Speaker 1: Ron. Welcome to the Ron Burgundy Podcast. My name is
Speaker 1: Ron Burgundy. Last time I checked in the phone book,
Speaker 1: and here I am with some other people. You're it's
Speaker 1: just me. You're here with me Carolina? And is it
Speaker 1: Carolina or Carolina? How do you pronounce that? Um, it's Carolina.
Speaker 1: It's so funny. You just have one of those faces
Speaker 1: where someone can know you for years and forget everything
Speaker 1: about you in one second. And I mean that as
Speaker 1: a compliment. It's it's very poetic. Actually, I think that's rude.
Speaker 1: I think that's very rude. All Right, you know what.
Speaker 1: I was gonna wait till later to bring this up,
Speaker 1: But Caroline, I just need to tell you this. I
Speaker 1: have a piece of dried being like a like a
Speaker 1: pento being. Skin on your tooth must be your from
Speaker 1: your breakfast burrito. I wish you had brought it up earlier.
Speaker 1: Act Is that is that rude? Should I not have told? No?
Speaker 1: I just why, I don't know. I just tell me
Speaker 1: on air. But one second, just let me get it. Okay,
Speaker 1: it's fine. Just let's move on. Oh you did not
Speaker 1: get its, sister. It moved into the house next door.
Speaker 1: It looks like someone knocked your other tooth out? Are
Speaker 1: you embarrassing about the bean on your tooth? I'm we
Speaker 1: have a little bit of a situation today. I mean
Speaker 1: there's nobody in the studio due to social distancing. Yes,
Speaker 1: social distancing is key, but the social distancing guidelines have
Speaker 1: put a real damper on my parties for like a year.
Speaker 1: Well it's almost over, and can I be frank with you,
Speaker 1: My last Fondu night slash neighborhood orgy sucked. I could
Speaker 1: only invite one person and I was torn between Patrick
Speaker 1: Dempsey and Bodic Interesting, but neither of them answered their pages.
Speaker 1: So I ended up just having November's Playmate of the
Speaker 1: Month come over and we ate a bowl of melted
Speaker 1: lukewarm fon du cheese and made love silently. I think
Speaker 1: I coughed. It was awkward because there are usually sixty
Speaker 1: other people in the room. But that's that's social distancing
Speaker 1: for you. Oh great, big brother, wish he'd social distance
Speaker 1: a little bit. You know what I mean? Is that
Speaker 1: what's making the sounds, big brother? In the microphones? I mean,
Speaker 1: every everyone knows that. You know, when they've tapped your phones,
Speaker 1: there's that clicking sound, right. I don't think that's big brother.
Speaker 1: I actually don't know what that sound is. One second, Carolina,
Speaker 1: don't play footsie with me. That's inappropriate, boss. But furthermore,
Speaker 1: I'm also out of your league, much more attractive than you.
Speaker 1: I didn't try to play footsie with you. Wait, I
Speaker 1: think is there something under the desk? What in God's
Speaker 1: name is it? Oh my god? Okay, what Carolina, Carolina?
Speaker 1: What is it? Okay, it's um it's a raccoon. Oh,
Speaker 1: oh my god. I knew this day would come. I
Speaker 1: knew this day would come. You did. Wait, I don't
Speaker 1: know how it got in here. You know why. It
Speaker 1: must have crawled through that hole you kicked in the wall.
Speaker 1: Is it Is it still in there? Yes, it's still
Speaker 1: in here. Run. There's actually nothing to be afraid of.
Speaker 1: We can take care of this. Get it the hell
Speaker 1: out of the studio. Does anyone have a tranquilizer God? No,
Speaker 1: Why would anyone bring a tranquilizer gun to the studio? Well,
Speaker 1: for one, because it's in my contract. I'll be talking
Speaker 1: to my lawyer about that. Wait, I'm so sorry. What's
Speaker 1: in your contract? Ever since we had that be in
Speaker 1: the studio, I explicitly made sure that there was language
Speaker 1: that there will always be at least six tranquilizer guns
Speaker 1: on the premises of a Ron Burgundy appearance at all
Speaker 1: times for safety. Yes, this is for the safety of
Speaker 1: the crew and also for my own protection. Oh my god, Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: there's no train wiser guns on. I guarantee you this
Speaker 1: raccoon is more scared of you than you are of it.
Speaker 1: And I'm looking at it. Oh my god. It looks
Speaker 1: a little confused, but it's not threaten an. You are
Speaker 1: so naive, Carolina, it makes me sick. That's exactly what
Speaker 1: the raccoon wants you to think. It's luring you into
Speaker 1: a false sense of security. Don't don't look at its eyes.
Speaker 1: It's trying to form a bond with you, and that's
Speaker 1: when it will attack. Ron. It's literally just sitting here
Speaker 1: in the chair, the one you usually sit, and actually
Speaker 1: it's it's kind of cute. I'm sorry. Are you comparing
Speaker 1: me to raccoon, Carolina? No, that is disrespectful. I am
Speaker 1: nothing like a raccoon. They are untrustworthy creatures and that's
Speaker 1: why they're always wearing bandit masks stealing trash. Have you
Speaker 1: ever seen me wear a bandit mask. No, because I'm
Speaker 1: a man, not a raccoon. And if I were an animal,
Speaker 1: I I'd be a hawk, no heart hawk, but with
Speaker 1: the beautiful teeth of a beaver, and with the memory
Speaker 1: of an elephant, and the hair of a bison, and
Speaker 1: certainly have a nice ass too. So whatever animal that
Speaker 1: is you fill in the blank. I guess you know.
Speaker 1: I wasn't implying that you were a raccoon. I have
Speaker 1: seen you eat leftover birthday cake straight from the trash. Okay,
Speaker 1: never mind that. Never seen you eat coffee cake from
Speaker 1: the trash. I've seen you eat cold cuts from the trash. Okay, okay, okay, okay,
Speaker 1: we're not going to talk about that. It's not important
Speaker 1: right now. So what are we dealing with here? Can
Speaker 1: you get a good look at its genitalia? I'm not
Speaker 1: seeing it's genitalia. I haven't looked at a raccoon's genitalia before,
Speaker 1: so I don't even know. Just remember it's front paws
Speaker 1: are extremely dextrous. Carolina. Are you wearing perfume? No? No,
Speaker 1: I'm not wearing perfume, of course not. Do you have
Speaker 1: any you can put on? I have some at home.
Speaker 1: I don't have any with me. I don't know why. Okay,
Speaker 1: forget it, forget it, forget it. I was just hoping
Speaker 1: that cheap mall perfume you wear would help cover the
Speaker 1: smell of fear in the room. I think it's it's
Speaker 1: called something like retired show girl. No. First of all,
Speaker 1: my perfume is not cheap. Okay, don't tell me you're
Speaker 1: paying a lot of money for that stuff. Wow, you're
Speaker 1: getting ripped off. It smells like glass cleaner and old tangerine. Okay. Secondly,
Speaker 1: I'm not scared of the raccoon. If it smells any fear,
Speaker 1: it's coming from you. I'm sorry to say that, but
Speaker 1: you No one has a tranquilizer. God, no one, no
Speaker 1: one's here. I run. This is absolutely insane to me.
Speaker 1: What what about a taser cattle prod? Did you bring
Speaker 1: a cattle prod? No? Does one of the nerds in
Speaker 1: this office have one of those really expensive Star Wars lightsabers?
Speaker 1: Oh my god, it just moved. Look look it's it
Speaker 1: thinks it's so cool. I hate how cocky he is.
Speaker 1: You know what, Ron, Honestly, I think just a waiting game. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'll order some food and I'm pretty sure we can
Speaker 1: just lure it out of here with I don't know,
Speaker 1: a lunch order or something. So let me get this straight.
Speaker 1: Your plan to deal with that ferocious beast whose genital
Speaker 1: you you can't even identify is to buy it one
Speaker 1: of your chopped salads or ordering a damn rack a lamp.
Speaker 1: It's an omnivore, you idiots. Do you want me to
Speaker 1: put a call into Dan Tannis? If you're that scared,
Speaker 1: just stay where you are and don't move. Listen to me, Carolina,
Speaker 1: the raccoon coming in here, it's no accident. It came
Speaker 1: in here for a reason, a very specific reason. It
Speaker 1: came here for revenge. You'll have to explain. I'm I'm
Speaker 1: not following. Did I ever tell you about my hit
Speaker 1: and run? It was three I was driving down Pch
Speaker 1: towards Malibu, listening to John Denver after a bad break
Speaker 1: up Rocky Mountain. Huh, you know the drill. Anyway, I
Speaker 1: was eating a burger and smoking a lucy cigarette and
Speaker 1: I must have gotten distracted. Why don't we do this
Speaker 1: story off the air and then splat a raccoon across
Speaker 1: my windshield? Jesus Christ, Okay, I get out. I cry
Speaker 1: for a good thirty minutes, say a prayer, and give
Speaker 1: it a proper burial. I mean, that's actually really kind
Speaker 1: of you. I wouldn't think that was necessary. And as
Speaker 1: I lay him to rest, I heard something else. That's
Speaker 1: when over my shoulder I saw a baby raccoon waiting
Speaker 1: in the brush, staring at me with one tear running down.
Speaker 1: It's cute, little I'm trying to finish the story. Stopped scuttling.
Speaker 1: I'm talking about you anyway. I just knew it was
Speaker 1: his son, and he looked at me, and I knew
Speaker 1: what he was saying. What was he saying? I'll remember you,
Speaker 1: Ron got okay, you got that from him? Yes, I'm
Speaker 1: so sorry you went through that. I don't think that
Speaker 1: it's related. Okay, Well, you don't sound like you're taking
Speaker 1: this seriously. What what is that? What? Wit? Wait? What
Speaker 1: does that sound? Did it puncture you, Carolina in the neck? No,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I'm fine. It's just grabbing at the microphone.
Speaker 1: Do not give that raccoon a podcast? What. I swear
Speaker 1: to God, if we start letting animals host podcasts, the
Speaker 1: press and animal rights groups will be all over us.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to give the raccoon a podcast. I
Speaker 1: don't even think there's anyone who would listen to it.
Speaker 1: I don't think a raccoon could manage a podcast. I
Speaker 1: don't know. I mean, there's people on YouTube that do
Speaker 1: this thing called uss are where they scratch things and
Speaker 1: make sounds with their mouths, and the videos are very popular.
Speaker 1: Millions of people watch them. Um, that's a s MR.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure how scientific it is, but I do
Speaker 1: know that it's very popular. Can we try doing a
Speaker 1: s MR on the raccoon to lull it into a
Speaker 1: slumber so it can be safely moved for the room? Um?
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't know if that will help at all.
Speaker 1: So you're just sitting there doing nothing, Carolina, Tap your
Speaker 1: fingers on the mic and see if it calms the raccoon. Obviously,
Speaker 1: don't use the same mic the raccoon is holding it.
Speaker 1: It will bite your fingers off. I'm not going to
Speaker 1: use a s MR. Okay to try and get this
Speaker 1: raccoon out of here. I'm not just do it, Carolina.
Speaker 1: You know what, fine, fine scratch scratch, scratch, scratch scratch.
Speaker 1: Sh Is it working? No? In fact, I think it's
Speaker 1: actually bothering the raccoon that we're making these weird sounds. Okay,
Speaker 1: I did not want to do this because I was
Speaker 1: saving them for a special occasion, but someone grabbed my
Speaker 1: car keys in the glove compartment as a set of
Speaker 1: poison blow darts. It's in a black case. If you
Speaker 1: open it and it looks like something from a James
Speaker 1: Bond movie, you found the right thing. Bring it to me.
Speaker 1: Why are you carrying poison blow darts in your glove compartment? Relaxed, Carolina,
Speaker 1: I have a permit. I'm not going to allow you
Speaker 1: to shoot a poison blow dart at this innocent baby raccoon.
Speaker 1: Innocent breaking and entering stalking, harassment in the workplace. It
Speaker 1: tried to play footsie with me. Do you think that
Speaker 1: sounds innocent? Well, then I'd hate to find out how
Speaker 1: you spend your weekends. We're gonna stop for a commercial.
Speaker 1: Hopefully we'll have this figured out by the time we're back. Okay,
Speaker 1: don't look at its eyes. It will hypnotize you into
Speaker 1: thinking it's your friend. Trust me, I've had it happened before.
Speaker 1: And we're back on the Ron Burgundy Podcast. Thanks for
Speaker 1: sticking with us today. I have a few things to say.
Speaker 1: One is the night of August three is one that
Speaker 1: I'll regret for the rest of my life. I hit
Speaker 1: a raccoon that night, and his son is here to
Speaker 1: kill me. Now, Carolina, where you get the damn raccoon
Speaker 1: out of the studio. I'm trying, Ron. It's actually jumped
Speaker 1: off the chair and it's just curled up in the corner.
Speaker 1: You know what I really think if we just called
Speaker 1: one of the I Heart guys to drive over here
Speaker 1: and they could pick up some supplies and we could
Speaker 1: just pick it up and we could release it back
Speaker 1: into the wild. And no way, no way, There's not
Speaker 1: a damn chance I'm endangering a member of my crew
Speaker 1: in here with that wild beast. Well I'm in here,
Speaker 1: I know, Carolina, and it breaks my heart. But in
Speaker 1: war there are sometimes casualties. Now, did you learn any
Speaker 1: self defense moves in your last Zoomba class. It's just
Speaker 1: a raccoon. I don't have to use self defense. Okay,
Speaker 1: I have a new plan. I'm going to ask that
Speaker 1: you edit this part out of the podcast. But are
Speaker 1: you familiar with agent orange? That is the toxic chemical
Speaker 1: they used in the Vietnam war. Okay, good, so you
Speaker 1: know it. I happen to have a very small supply
Speaker 1: in my tool shed. We don't need much, but let's
Speaker 1: bring some back here and just toss it into the studio.
Speaker 1: That's illegal. That's illegal, so we can't do it right.
Speaker 1: Let's let's edit this part out of the podcast. Keep
Speaker 1: it on the low low. That way, nobody ever has
Speaker 1: to know this raccoon or his father, or what I
Speaker 1: did on the night of August I thought it was August.
Speaker 1: To be honest, August eight wasn't my best night either.
Speaker 1: Oh wait, look, the raccoon is sleeping. It looks like
Speaker 1: it's sucking its thumb or maybe it misses its mommy.
Speaker 1: Well I didn't touch its mommy. And no, it's not sleeping, Carolina.
Speaker 1: It's playing dead. It wants you to think it's sleeping
Speaker 1: before it attacks your face and scratches your eyeballs out.
Speaker 1: It wants to send a message to me. Thank God,
Speaker 1: it's going to use you first. I don't think the
Speaker 1: raccoons that cannot eving or even thinking that far in advance. Okay,
Speaker 1: listen to me. You need to get in that raccoon's head.
Speaker 1: It's playing dead. Carolina, lay down on the floor and
Speaker 1: you play dead too. I'm not laying down before. It's
Speaker 1: our only option unless you want to use the poison
Speaker 1: darts in my glove compartment. But again, I'd really like
Speaker 1: to save those if I can know poison darts. Okay, fine,
Speaker 1: I'm going to lay down on the floor. And this
Speaker 1: is really stupid. This is really stupid. But if it's
Speaker 1: a choice between this and the James Bond darts, I'll
Speaker 1: choose the floor. It is the choice. Okay, this is
Speaker 1: really stupid. This is so stupid. But fine, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: lay down the floor. Are you laying down? Yes? Okay,
Speaker 1: what about now? Still nothing and I'm on the floor.
Speaker 1: This raccoon is a smart little son of a gun. Okay, wait,
Speaker 1: hold on, something's happening. What what what's happening? Is it?
Speaker 1: Is it spraying urine as a defense? No, it's not, okay,
Speaker 1: because I am run. Come on, If this raccoon wants
Speaker 1: to get into a literally a kissing contest with ron Burgnity,
Speaker 1: it's it's gonna lose. You're going to the bathroom in
Speaker 1: the corner. I am I'm marking my territory. That's all
Speaker 1: I'm doing. Just hold it. Okay, Okay, it's getting up.
Speaker 1: I can see him moving. Okay, run, don't freak out.
Speaker 1: But it's making its way to your gym bag. Go
Speaker 1: to commercial. Go to commercial right now. People should not
Speaker 1: hear this. Run just look at it. I'm not going
Speaker 1: I can't just make eyes. We don't want to look
Speaker 1: at it. Okay, we are back. Just to update everyone
Speaker 1: on the situation. There's a raccoon in the studio. I'm
Speaker 1: refusing to look at it because I don't want to
Speaker 1: make eye contact. It's currently, according to Carolina run edging
Speaker 1: through my gym bag. Carolina has taken refuge on the
Speaker 1: floor and is doing absolutely nothing to help. You told
Speaker 1: me to get down the floor. I this wasn't my decision.
Speaker 1: Do you have eyes on the beast, and remember, do
Speaker 1: not make eye contact. It's just kind of going for
Speaker 1: your stuff. It looks like it's trying some stuff on. Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: there's a gun in there, but it's not loaded. Damn,
Speaker 1: that's my fault. I'm just going to call that a
Speaker 1: blessing in disguise. I am sorry everyone. This is one
Speaker 1: of the worst things to happen in a long time.
Speaker 1: I can't think of a tougher situation in recent times
Speaker 1: than what's happening right now. Ron. Don't say that that's
Speaker 1: not the case, Carolina. I just I just thought of something. Move,
Speaker 1: move your head around. Maybe we'll think your hair is
Speaker 1: another raccoon, and it will try and mate with you,
Speaker 1: mate with the back of your head. And then as
Speaker 1: soon as it's on your head, just run out of
Speaker 1: the room and dunk your head straight into the toilet. No, no,
Speaker 1: hold on. It looks like it's eyeing the door. It's
Speaker 1: going to leave the room. Oh that's good, Oh my god,
Speaker 1: this is so cute. It's call one of your ties
Speaker 1: in its mouth. What it has one of your highs
Speaker 1: from your bag and its mouth. It looks like it's
Speaker 1: ready to scamper out of here. What color is the tie?
Speaker 1: It's red, Carolina. Listen to me. Do not let that
Speaker 1: raccoon leave the studio with that tie. That's a sixteen
Speaker 1: hundred dollar tie. What do you want me to do?
Speaker 1: Try and grab it from the raccoon. Yes, yes, I
Speaker 1: do get the tie, Carolina, reach it. I think it's
Speaker 1: walking away with the tyrone. Well, that's theft. I don't
Speaker 1: know if it's a felony, but with the breaking and entering,
Speaker 1: we will definitely be filing a police report. And if
Speaker 1: I have to get this raccoon in civil cord, I
Speaker 1: will get him in the tiniest, cutest raccoon handcuffs. Oh look, look, run, Yeah,
Speaker 1: the raccoon has left the studio. Okay, are you sure
Speaker 1: I'm positive there's no longer a raccoon in the studio.
Speaker 1: It's safe to look. Okay, CAROLINEA listened to me. I
Speaker 1: have texted Julius, the parking attendant, to deliver my blow
Speaker 1: darts to me, okay, if that was necessary. And I'm
Speaker 1: just warning you if I see anything that looks like
Speaker 1: a raccoon come back in here. I'm gonna have to
Speaker 1: use them, and you know me, I'm i act on
Speaker 1: my impults. Okay, just open your eyes. I'm going to
Speaker 1: get up and wave my hands around and you'll know
Speaker 1: definitely I'm not a raccoon. Okay, I will open my eyes,
Speaker 1: and even though I know it's just you and I
Speaker 1: in this room together, you really need to wave your
Speaker 1: arms to let me know that you're not the raccoon. Okay,
Speaker 1: Because this is very high stress situation, I would hate
Speaker 1: to know what my level of cortisol is right now? Sure,
Speaker 1: that's normal. I guess Okay, I'm gonna open my eyes.
Speaker 1: It's fine. Everything is safe, and I'm opening my eyes
Speaker 1: and okay, you're right. The raccoon is no longer in
Speaker 1: the studio. Sorry about that, folks. We had a little
Speaker 1: technical difficulty. I wouldn't count this as technical difficulties, but yeah,
Speaker 1: as we said, there was a raccoon in the studio.
Speaker 1: I think you overreacted a little bit. I didn't have
Speaker 1: to be like that. I just the guilt, you know,
Speaker 1: has gotten to me over the years, and and I
Speaker 1: do want to apologize for urinating over there in the corner.
Speaker 1: My my apologies for whoever has to clean that up.
Speaker 1: And since there is no other staff here that probably
Speaker 1: I'm not going to do it has to be that's disgusting. Okay,
Speaker 1: So I'm here, you're here. Yes, what do we have
Speaker 1: on the show today? So glad I came in today.
Speaker 1: Instead of us doing this over Zoom, I would have
Speaker 1: loved today over Zoom. Actually, do you remember the kids
Speaker 1: show Zoom on public television? Yes, that's it. One of
Speaker 1: those kids who were the Zoom Gang. Do they get
Speaker 1: a little you know, cashish. Every time someone organizes a
Speaker 1: Zoom meeting, I can't imagine they do. I hope they do,
Speaker 1: because those kids were mesmerizing. They were great every one time.
Speaker 1: They all hate salting crackers, and they tried to whistle.
Speaker 1: It's impossible. It's impossible. Tried it at home. Well, let's
Speaker 1: get back to our show. Yes, so we're today. We
Speaker 1: are interviewing Bruno Mars. No, he had a very tight window,
Speaker 1: and yet again we were dealing with a situation in
Speaker 1: the studio. So I don't know. I call his manager.
Speaker 1: We can try and get him back at a time. Yeah, right,
Speaker 1: like that's gonna happen. He's too busy, man. I had
Speaker 1: really great questions ready for Bruno Mars. Look at this one.
Speaker 1: I wrote, um, want to come to a fond due orgy? No, No,
Speaker 1: not that question. There were more questions. I I wasn't
Speaker 1: just going to ask him that the only one. Yeah,
Speaker 1: how about it. Thank you to me for dealing with
Speaker 1: the raccoon in the studio while you shut your eyes
Speaker 1: the whole time. Thank you, Carolina. You you handled that
Speaker 1: like a real pro. How did the raccoon get in
Speaker 1: the studio in the first place, they opened up a
Speaker 1: virtual Instagram petting zoo downstairs. I think it may have
Speaker 1: climbed up from there. What what is a virtual Instagram
Speaker 1: petting zoo? I guess during COVID you can't really go
Speaker 1: to a petting zoo, so they just post pictures of
Speaker 1: the animals on Instagram and if you hit the like button,
Speaker 1: that's like petting the animals. It's so sad. That sounds
Speaker 1: really unfulfilling. Yeah, really depressing. That's supposed to be a
Speaker 1: substitute for a petting zoo. I don't know they're making
Speaker 1: like fifty k a sponsored post though. Good to know. Well, Caroline,
Speaker 1: I just want to be upfront with you. I always
Speaker 1: had a small stash of poison darts on my person. Okay,
Speaker 1: I have a special panel sewn into each in every
Speaker 1: suit jacket, so you always have the mind. I always
Speaker 1: keep them on me, and I just have to be
Speaker 1: careful not to prick myself. No kidding. That sounds so dangerous.
Speaker 1: Bye bye baby. Yeah, hospital time, hospital time, which is
Speaker 1: what I'll do to you if you're getting near my
Speaker 1: trunk trunk of my car. Not you're not my caboose,
Speaker 1: but seriously, if you try to put an ant on
Speaker 1: my caboose, it's hospital time. Also, unless you're a beautiful woman.
Speaker 1: But if I try to put my hand on your caboose,
Speaker 1: HD hospital time. Yes, I'm really sorry, but that's all
Speaker 1: the time we have for the Run Burgundy podcast this week.
Speaker 1: You want to thank you all of our wonderful listeners.
Speaker 1: Are army of listeners out there. Oh God, it's back.
Speaker 1: It's okay, it's back. It's okay. I got this one.
Speaker 1: Don't take those out, I got it. Put them away.
Speaker 1: Stay still wreck Coon, stay still elf. Oh no, Carolina,
Speaker 1: Oh that's okay. I have an antidote on me as well. Nope,
Speaker 1: I don't. Oh lord, we only have forty five seconds
Speaker 1: to get you to a hospital. The hospital sign