WEBVTT - Ron Meets a Raccoon

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<v Speaker 1>Ron. Welcome to the Ron Burgundy Podcast. My name is

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<v Speaker 1>Ron Burgundy. Last time I checked in the phone book,

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<v Speaker 1>and here I am with some other people. You're it's

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<v Speaker 1>just me. You're here with me Carolina? And is it

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<v Speaker 1>Carolina or Carolina? How do you pronounce that? Um, it's Carolina.

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<v Speaker 1>It's so funny. You just have one of those faces

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<v Speaker 1>where someone can know you for years and forget everything

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<v Speaker 1>about you in one second. And I mean that as

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<v Speaker 1>a compliment. It's it's very poetic. Actually, I think that's rude.

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<v Speaker 1>I think that's very rude. All Right, you know what.

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<v Speaker 1>I was gonna wait till later to bring this up,

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<v Speaker 1>But Caroline, I just need to tell you this. I

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<v Speaker 1>have a piece of dried being like a like a

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<v Speaker 1>pento being. Skin on your tooth must be your from

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<v Speaker 1>your breakfast burrito. I wish you had brought it up earlier.

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<v Speaker 1>Act Is that is that rude? Should I not have told? No?

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<v Speaker 1>I just why, I don't know. I just tell me

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<v Speaker 1>on air. But one second, just let me get it. Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>it's fine. Just let's move on. Oh you did not

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<v Speaker 1>get its, sister. It moved into the house next door.

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<v Speaker 1>It looks like someone knocked your other tooth out? Are

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<v Speaker 1>you embarrassing about the bean on your tooth? I'm we

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<v Speaker 1>have a little bit of a situation today. I mean

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<v Speaker 1>there's nobody in the studio due to social distancing. Yes,

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<v Speaker 1>social distancing is key, but the social distancing guidelines have

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<v Speaker 1>put a real damper on my parties for like a year.

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<v Speaker 1>Well it's almost over, and can I be frank with you,

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<v Speaker 1>My last Fondu night slash neighborhood orgy sucked. I could

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<v Speaker 1>only invite one person and I was torn between Patrick

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<v Speaker 1>Dempsey and Bodic Interesting, but neither of them answered their pages.

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<v Speaker 1>So I ended up just having November's Playmate of the

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<v Speaker 1>Month come over and we ate a bowl of melted

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<v Speaker 1>lukewarm fon du cheese and made love silently. I think

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<v Speaker 1>I coughed. It was awkward because there are usually sixty

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<v Speaker 1>other people in the room. But that's that's social distancing

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<v Speaker 1>for you. Oh great, big brother, wish he'd social distance

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<v Speaker 1>a little bit. You know what I mean? Is that

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<v Speaker 1>what's making the sounds, big brother? In the microphones? I mean,

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<v Speaker 1>every everyone knows that. You know, when they've tapped your phones,

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<v Speaker 1>there's that clicking sound, right. I don't think that's big brother.

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<v Speaker 1>I actually don't know what that sound is. One second, Carolina,

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<v Speaker 1>don't play footsie with me. That's inappropriate, boss. But furthermore,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm also out of your league, much more attractive than you.

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't try to play footsie with you. Wait, I

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<v Speaker 1>think is there something under the desk? What in God's

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<v Speaker 1>name is it? Oh my god? Okay, what Carolina, Carolina?

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<v Speaker 1>What is it? Okay, it's um it's a raccoon. Oh,

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<v Speaker 1>oh my god. I knew this day would come. I

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<v Speaker 1>knew this day would come. You did. Wait, I don't

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<v Speaker 1>know how it got in here. You know why. It

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<v Speaker 1>must have crawled through that hole you kicked in the wall.

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<v Speaker 1>Is it Is it still in there? Yes, it's still

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<v Speaker 1>in here. Run. There's actually nothing to be afraid of.

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<v Speaker 1>We can take care of this. Get it the hell

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<v Speaker 1>out of the studio. Does anyone have a tranquilizer God? No,

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<v Speaker 1>Why would anyone bring a tranquilizer gun to the studio? Well,

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<v Speaker 1>for one, because it's in my contract. I'll be talking

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<v Speaker 1>to my lawyer about that. Wait, I'm so sorry. What's

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<v Speaker 1>in your contract? Ever since we had that be in

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<v Speaker 1>the studio, I explicitly made sure that there was language

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<v Speaker 1>that there will always be at least six tranquilizer guns

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<v Speaker 1>on the premises of a Ron Burgundy appearance at all

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<v Speaker 1>times for safety. Yes, this is for the safety of

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<v Speaker 1>the crew and also for my own protection. Oh my god, Okay, okay,

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<v Speaker 1>there's no train wiser guns on. I guarantee you this

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<v Speaker 1>raccoon is more scared of you than you are of it.

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<v Speaker 1>And I'm looking at it. Oh my god. It looks

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<v Speaker 1>a little confused, but it's not threaten an. You are

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<v Speaker 1>so naive, Carolina, it makes me sick. That's exactly what

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<v Speaker 1>the raccoon wants you to think. It's luring you into

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<v Speaker 1>a false sense of security. Don't don't look at its eyes.

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<v Speaker 1>It's trying to form a bond with you, and that's

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<v Speaker 1>when it will attack. Ron. It's literally just sitting here

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<v Speaker 1>in the chair, the one you usually sit, and actually

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<v Speaker 1>it's it's kind of cute. I'm sorry. Are you comparing

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<v Speaker 1>me to raccoon, Carolina? No, that is disrespectful. I am

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<v Speaker 1>nothing like a raccoon. They are untrustworthy creatures and that's

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<v Speaker 1>why they're always wearing bandit masks stealing trash. Have you

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<v Speaker 1>ever seen me wear a bandit mask. No, because I'm

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<v Speaker 1>a man, not a raccoon. And if I were an animal,

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<v Speaker 1>I I'd be a hawk, no heart hawk, but with

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<v Speaker 1>the beautiful teeth of a beaver, and with the memory

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<v Speaker 1>of an elephant, and the hair of a bison, and

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<v Speaker 1>certainly have a nice ass too. So whatever animal that

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<v Speaker 1>is you fill in the blank. I guess you know.

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<v Speaker 1>I wasn't implying that you were a raccoon. I have

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<v Speaker 1>seen you eat leftover birthday cake straight from the trash. Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>never mind that. Never seen you eat coffee cake from

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<v Speaker 1>the trash. I've seen you eat cold cuts from the trash. Okay, okay, okay, okay,

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<v Speaker 1>we're not going to talk about that. It's not important

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<v Speaker 1>right now. So what are we dealing with here? Can

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<v Speaker 1>you get a good look at its genitalia? I'm not

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<v Speaker 1>seeing it's genitalia. I haven't looked at a raccoon's genitalia before,

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<v Speaker 1>so I don't even know. Just remember it's front paws

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<v Speaker 1>are extremely dextrous. Carolina. Are you wearing perfume? No? No,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not wearing perfume, of course not. Do you have

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<v Speaker 1>any you can put on? I have some at home.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't have any with me. I don't know why. Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>forget it, forget it, forget it. I was just hoping

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<v Speaker 1>that cheap mall perfume you wear would help cover the

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<v Speaker 1>smell of fear in the room. I think it's it's

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<v Speaker 1>called something like retired show girl. No. First of all,

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<v Speaker 1>my perfume is not cheap. Okay, don't tell me you're

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<v Speaker 1>paying a lot of money for that stuff. Wow, you're

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<v Speaker 1>getting ripped off. It smells like glass cleaner and old tangerine. Okay. Secondly,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not scared of the raccoon. If it smells any fear,

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<v Speaker 1>it's coming from you. I'm sorry to say that, but

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<v Speaker 1>you No one has a tranquilizer. God, no one, no

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<v Speaker 1>one's here. I run. This is absolutely insane to me.

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<v Speaker 1>What what about a taser cattle prod? Did you bring

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<v Speaker 1>a cattle prod? No? Does one of the nerds in

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<v Speaker 1>this office have one of those really expensive Star Wars lightsabers?

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<v Speaker 1>Oh my god, it just moved. Look look it's it

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<v Speaker 1>thinks it's so cool. I hate how cocky he is.

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<v Speaker 1>You know what, Ron, Honestly, I think just a waiting game. Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>I'll order some food and I'm pretty sure we can

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<v Speaker 1>just lure it out of here with I don't know,

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<v Speaker 1>a lunch order or something. So let me get this straight.

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<v Speaker 1>Your plan to deal with that ferocious beast whose genital

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<v Speaker 1>you you can't even identify is to buy it one

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<v Speaker 1>of your chopped salads or ordering a damn rack a lamp.

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<v Speaker 1>It's an omnivore, you idiots. Do you want me to

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<v Speaker 1>put a call into Dan Tannis? If you're that scared,

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<v Speaker 1>just stay where you are and don't move. Listen to me, Carolina,

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<v Speaker 1>the raccoon coming in here, it's no accident. It came

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<v Speaker 1>in here for a reason, a very specific reason. It

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<v Speaker 1>came here for revenge. You'll have to explain. I'm I'm

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<v Speaker 1>not following. Did I ever tell you about my hit

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<v Speaker 1>and run? It was three I was driving down Pch

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<v Speaker 1>towards Malibu, listening to John Denver after a bad break

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<v Speaker 1>up Rocky Mountain. Huh, you know the drill. Anyway, I

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<v Speaker 1>was eating a burger and smoking a lucy cigarette and

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<v Speaker 1>I must have gotten distracted. Why don't we do this

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<v Speaker 1>story off the air and then splat a raccoon across

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<v Speaker 1>my windshield? Jesus Christ, Okay, I get out. I cry

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<v Speaker 1>for a good thirty minutes, say a prayer, and give

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<v Speaker 1>it a proper burial. I mean, that's actually really kind

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<v Speaker 1>of you. I wouldn't think that was necessary. And as

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<v Speaker 1>I lay him to rest, I heard something else. That's

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<v Speaker 1>when over my shoulder I saw a baby raccoon waiting

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<v Speaker 1>in the brush, staring at me with one tear running down.

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<v Speaker 1>It's cute, little I'm trying to finish the story. Stopped scuttling.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm talking about you anyway. I just knew it was

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<v Speaker 1>his son, and he looked at me, and I knew

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<v Speaker 1>what he was saying. What was he saying? I'll remember you,

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<v Speaker 1>Ron got okay, you got that from him? Yes, I'm

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<v Speaker 1>so sorry you went through that. I don't think that

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<v Speaker 1>it's related. Okay, Well, you don't sound like you're taking

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<v Speaker 1>this seriously. What what is that? What? Wit? Wait? What

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<v Speaker 1>does that sound? Did it puncture you, Carolina in the neck? No,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm sorry, I'm fine. It's just grabbing at the microphone.

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<v Speaker 1>Do not give that raccoon a podcast? What. I swear

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<v Speaker 1>to God, if we start letting animals host podcasts, the

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<v Speaker 1>press and animal rights groups will be all over us.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not going to give the raccoon a podcast. I

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<v Speaker 1>don't even think there's anyone who would listen to it.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't think a raccoon could manage a podcast. I

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<v Speaker 1>don't know. I mean, there's people on YouTube that do

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<v Speaker 1>this thing called uss are where they scratch things and

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<v Speaker 1>make sounds with their mouths, and the videos are very popular.

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<v Speaker 1>Millions of people watch them. Um, that's a s MR.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not sure how scientific it is, but I do

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<v Speaker 1>know that it's very popular. Can we try doing a

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<v Speaker 1>s MR on the raccoon to lull it into a

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<v Speaker 1>slumber so it can be safely moved for the room? Um?

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<v Speaker 1>I don't. I don't know if that will help at all.

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<v Speaker 1>So you're just sitting there doing nothing, Carolina, Tap your

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<v Speaker 1>fingers on the mic and see if it calms the raccoon. Obviously,

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<v Speaker 1>don't use the same mic the raccoon is holding it.

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<v Speaker 1>It will bite your fingers off. I'm not going to

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<v Speaker 1>use a s MR. Okay to try and get this

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<v Speaker 1>raccoon out of here. I'm not just do it, Carolina.

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<v Speaker 1>You know what, fine, fine scratch scratch, scratch, scratch scratch.

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<v Speaker 1>Sh Is it working? No? In fact, I think it's

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<v Speaker 1>actually bothering the raccoon that we're making these weird sounds. Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>I did not want to do this because I was

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<v Speaker 1>saving them for a special occasion, but someone grabbed my

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<v Speaker 1>car keys in the glove compartment as a set of

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<v Speaker 1>poison blow darts. It's in a black case. If you

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<v Speaker 1>open it and it looks like something from a James

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<v Speaker 1>Bond movie, you found the right thing. Bring it to me.

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<v Speaker 1>Why are you carrying poison blow darts in your glove compartment? Relaxed, Carolina,

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<v Speaker 1>I have a permit. I'm not going to allow you

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<v Speaker 1>to shoot a poison blow dart at this innocent baby raccoon.

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<v Speaker 1>Innocent breaking and entering stalking, harassment in the workplace. It

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<v Speaker 1>tried to play footsie with me. Do you think that

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<v Speaker 1>sounds innocent? Well, then I'd hate to find out how

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<v Speaker 1>you spend your weekends. We're gonna stop for a commercial.

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<v Speaker 1>Hopefully we'll have this figured out by the time we're back. Okay,

0:11:31.320 --> 0:11:34.360
<v Speaker 1>don't look at its eyes. It will hypnotize you into

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<v Speaker 1>thinking it's your friend. Trust me, I've had it happened before.

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<v Speaker 1>And we're back on the Ron Burgundy Podcast. Thanks for

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<v Speaker 1>sticking with us today. I have a few things to say.

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<v Speaker 1>One is the night of August three is one that

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<v Speaker 1>I'll regret for the rest of my life. I hit

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<v Speaker 1>a raccoon that night, and his son is here to

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<v Speaker 1>kill me. Now, Carolina, where you get the damn raccoon

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<v Speaker 1>out of the studio. I'm trying, Ron. It's actually jumped

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<v Speaker 1>off the chair and it's just curled up in the corner.

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<v Speaker 1>You know what I really think if we just called

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<v Speaker 1>one of the I Heart guys to drive over here

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<v Speaker 1>and they could pick up some supplies and we could

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<v Speaker 1>just pick it up and we could release it back

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<v Speaker 1>into the wild. And no way, no way, There's not

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<v Speaker 1>a damn chance I'm endangering a member of my crew

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<v Speaker 1>in here with that wild beast. Well I'm in here,

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<v Speaker 1>I know, Carolina, and it breaks my heart. But in

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<v Speaker 1>war there are sometimes casualties. Now, did you learn any

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<v Speaker 1>self defense moves in your last Zoomba class. It's just

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<v Speaker 1>a raccoon. I don't have to use self defense. Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>I have a new plan. I'm going to ask that

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<v Speaker 1>you edit this part out of the podcast. But are

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<v Speaker 1>you familiar with agent orange? That is the toxic chemical

0:13:00.520 --> 0:13:03.560
<v Speaker 1>they used in the Vietnam war. Okay, good, so you

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<v Speaker 1>know it. I happen to have a very small supply

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<v Speaker 1>in my tool shed. We don't need much, but let's

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<v Speaker 1>bring some back here and just toss it into the studio.

0:13:12.440 --> 0:13:15.320
<v Speaker 1>That's illegal. That's illegal, so we can't do it right.

0:13:15.360 --> 0:13:17.480
<v Speaker 1>Let's let's edit this part out of the podcast. Keep

0:13:17.520 --> 0:13:20.160
<v Speaker 1>it on the low low. That way, nobody ever has

0:13:20.200 --> 0:13:24.360
<v Speaker 1>to know this raccoon or his father, or what I

0:13:24.400 --> 0:13:29.920
<v Speaker 1>did on the night of August I thought it was August.

0:13:30.400 --> 0:13:33.360
<v Speaker 1>To be honest, August eight wasn't my best night either.

0:13:34.000 --> 0:13:38.480
<v Speaker 1>Oh wait, look, the raccoon is sleeping. It looks like

0:13:38.520 --> 0:13:41.720
<v Speaker 1>it's sucking its thumb or maybe it misses its mommy.

0:13:42.120 --> 0:13:46.400
<v Speaker 1>Well I didn't touch its mommy. And no, it's not sleeping, Carolina.

0:13:46.679 --> 0:13:49.720
<v Speaker 1>It's playing dead. It wants you to think it's sleeping

0:13:49.760 --> 0:13:52.360
<v Speaker 1>before it attacks your face and scratches your eyeballs out.

0:13:53.000 --> 0:13:56.240
<v Speaker 1>It wants to send a message to me. Thank God,

0:13:56.280 --> 0:13:58.800
<v Speaker 1>it's going to use you first. I don't think the

0:13:58.920 --> 0:14:03.360
<v Speaker 1>raccoons that cannot eving or even thinking that far in advance. Okay,

0:14:03.360 --> 0:14:06.680
<v Speaker 1>listen to me. You need to get in that raccoon's head.

0:14:07.080 --> 0:14:11.320
<v Speaker 1>It's playing dead. Carolina, lay down on the floor and

0:14:11.400 --> 0:14:14.280
<v Speaker 1>you play dead too. I'm not laying down before. It's

0:14:14.280 --> 0:14:16.480
<v Speaker 1>our only option unless you want to use the poison

0:14:16.559 --> 0:14:19.640
<v Speaker 1>darts in my glove compartment. But again, I'd really like

0:14:19.720 --> 0:14:23.440
<v Speaker 1>to save those if I can know poison darts. Okay, fine,

0:14:23.800 --> 0:14:25.800
<v Speaker 1>I'm going to lay down on the floor. And this

0:14:25.880 --> 0:14:29.480
<v Speaker 1>is really stupid. This is really stupid. But if it's

0:14:29.480 --> 0:14:32.360
<v Speaker 1>a choice between this and the James Bond darts, I'll

0:14:32.480 --> 0:14:36.280
<v Speaker 1>choose the floor. It is the choice. Okay, this is

0:14:36.320 --> 0:14:39.800
<v Speaker 1>really stupid. This is so stupid. But fine, I'm gonna

0:14:40.000 --> 0:14:45.520
<v Speaker 1>lay down the floor. Are you laying down? Yes? Okay,

0:14:45.920 --> 0:14:49.360
<v Speaker 1>what about now? Still nothing and I'm on the floor.

0:14:49.800 --> 0:14:54.840
<v Speaker 1>This raccoon is a smart little son of a gun. Okay, wait,

0:14:55.080 --> 0:14:58.040
<v Speaker 1>hold on, something's happening. What what what's happening? Is it?

0:14:58.080 --> 0:15:01.960
<v Speaker 1>Is it spraying urine as a defense? No, it's not, okay,

0:15:02.200 --> 0:15:06.040
<v Speaker 1>because I am run. Come on, If this raccoon wants

0:15:06.080 --> 0:15:09.440
<v Speaker 1>to get into a literally a kissing contest with ron Burgnity,

0:15:09.480 --> 0:15:12.280
<v Speaker 1>it's it's gonna lose. You're going to the bathroom in

0:15:12.320 --> 0:15:15.480
<v Speaker 1>the corner. I am I'm marking my territory. That's all

0:15:15.520 --> 0:15:22.360
<v Speaker 1>I'm doing. Just hold it. Okay, Okay, it's getting up.

0:15:22.680 --> 0:15:25.600
<v Speaker 1>I can see him moving. Okay, run, don't freak out.

0:15:25.600 --> 0:15:27.520
<v Speaker 1>But it's making its way to your gym bag. Go

0:15:27.600 --> 0:15:31.000
<v Speaker 1>to commercial. Go to commercial right now. People should not

0:15:31.120 --> 0:15:33.920
<v Speaker 1>hear this. Run just look at it. I'm not going

0:15:34.000 --> 0:15:36.840
<v Speaker 1>I can't just make eyes. We don't want to look

0:15:36.880 --> 0:15:50.840
<v Speaker 1>at it. Okay, we are back. Just to update everyone

0:15:51.000 --> 0:15:54.480
<v Speaker 1>on the situation. There's a raccoon in the studio. I'm

0:15:54.520 --> 0:15:57.080
<v Speaker 1>refusing to look at it because I don't want to

0:15:57.080 --> 0:16:00.280
<v Speaker 1>make eye contact. It's currently, according to Carolina run edging

0:16:00.360 --> 0:16:03.640
<v Speaker 1>through my gym bag. Carolina has taken refuge on the

0:16:03.640 --> 0:16:09.240
<v Speaker 1>floor and is doing absolutely nothing to help. You told

0:16:09.240 --> 0:16:11.720
<v Speaker 1>me to get down the floor. I this wasn't my decision.

0:16:11.880 --> 0:16:14.080
<v Speaker 1>Do you have eyes on the beast, and remember, do

0:16:14.240 --> 0:16:17.040
<v Speaker 1>not make eye contact. It's just kind of going for

0:16:17.120 --> 0:16:21.320
<v Speaker 1>your stuff. It looks like it's trying some stuff on. Okay, Well,

0:16:21.400 --> 0:16:24.720
<v Speaker 1>there's a gun in there, but it's not loaded. Damn,

0:16:24.960 --> 0:16:27.480
<v Speaker 1>that's my fault. I'm just going to call that a

0:16:27.520 --> 0:16:30.960
<v Speaker 1>blessing in disguise. I am sorry everyone. This is one

0:16:31.000 --> 0:16:33.960
<v Speaker 1>of the worst things to happen in a long time.

0:16:34.640 --> 0:16:38.160
<v Speaker 1>I can't think of a tougher situation in recent times

0:16:38.440 --> 0:16:43.000
<v Speaker 1>than what's happening right now. Ron. Don't say that that's

0:16:43.080 --> 0:16:46.600
<v Speaker 1>not the case, Carolina. I just I just thought of something. Move,

0:16:46.680 --> 0:16:49.440
<v Speaker 1>move your head around. Maybe we'll think your hair is

0:16:49.480 --> 0:16:52.560
<v Speaker 1>another raccoon, and it will try and mate with you,

0:16:52.640 --> 0:16:55.160
<v Speaker 1>mate with the back of your head. And then as

0:16:55.160 --> 0:16:57.400
<v Speaker 1>soon as it's on your head, just run out of

0:16:57.440 --> 0:17:02.200
<v Speaker 1>the room and dunk your head straight into the toilet. No, no,

0:17:02.880 --> 0:17:05.679
<v Speaker 1>hold on. It looks like it's eyeing the door. It's

0:17:05.680 --> 0:17:07.960
<v Speaker 1>going to leave the room. Oh that's good, Oh my god,

0:17:08.160 --> 0:17:10.760
<v Speaker 1>this is so cute. It's call one of your ties

0:17:10.800 --> 0:17:13.879
<v Speaker 1>in its mouth. What it has one of your highs

0:17:14.000 --> 0:17:16.040
<v Speaker 1>from your bag and its mouth. It looks like it's

0:17:16.080 --> 0:17:18.840
<v Speaker 1>ready to scamper out of here. What color is the tie?

0:17:19.600 --> 0:17:22.560
<v Speaker 1>It's red, Carolina. Listen to me. Do not let that

0:17:22.640 --> 0:17:25.320
<v Speaker 1>raccoon leave the studio with that tie. That's a sixteen

0:17:25.680 --> 0:17:28.159
<v Speaker 1>hundred dollar tie. What do you want me to do?

0:17:28.359 --> 0:17:31.320
<v Speaker 1>Try and grab it from the raccoon. Yes, yes, I

0:17:31.359 --> 0:17:35.760
<v Speaker 1>do get the tie, Carolina, reach it. I think it's

0:17:35.760 --> 0:17:39.320
<v Speaker 1>walking away with the tyrone. Well, that's theft. I don't

0:17:39.320 --> 0:17:41.560
<v Speaker 1>know if it's a felony, but with the breaking and entering,

0:17:41.600 --> 0:17:44.640
<v Speaker 1>we will definitely be filing a police report. And if

0:17:44.680 --> 0:17:46.639
<v Speaker 1>I have to get this raccoon in civil cord, I

0:17:46.680 --> 0:17:54.480
<v Speaker 1>will get him in the tiniest, cutest raccoon handcuffs. Oh look, look, run, Yeah,

0:17:54.920 --> 0:17:58.720
<v Speaker 1>the raccoon has left the studio. Okay, are you sure

0:17:58.840 --> 0:18:01.880
<v Speaker 1>I'm positive there's no longer a raccoon in the studio.

0:18:02.119 --> 0:18:05.080
<v Speaker 1>It's safe to look. Okay, CAROLINEA listened to me. I

0:18:05.119 --> 0:18:09.520
<v Speaker 1>have texted Julius, the parking attendant, to deliver my blow

0:18:09.600 --> 0:18:13.800
<v Speaker 1>darts to me, okay, if that was necessary. And I'm

0:18:13.800 --> 0:18:16.159
<v Speaker 1>just warning you if I see anything that looks like

0:18:16.200 --> 0:18:18.639
<v Speaker 1>a raccoon come back in here. I'm gonna have to

0:18:18.720 --> 0:18:20.679
<v Speaker 1>use them, and you know me, I'm i act on

0:18:20.720 --> 0:18:24.040
<v Speaker 1>my impults. Okay, just open your eyes. I'm going to

0:18:24.200 --> 0:18:27.800
<v Speaker 1>get up and wave my hands around and you'll know

0:18:27.960 --> 0:18:32.240
<v Speaker 1>definitely I'm not a raccoon. Okay, I will open my eyes,

0:18:32.280 --> 0:18:35.000
<v Speaker 1>and even though I know it's just you and I

0:18:35.160 --> 0:18:37.919
<v Speaker 1>in this room together, you really need to wave your

0:18:38.000 --> 0:18:42.320
<v Speaker 1>arms to let me know that you're not the raccoon. Okay,

0:18:42.400 --> 0:18:46.679
<v Speaker 1>Because this is very high stress situation, I would hate

0:18:46.840 --> 0:18:49.680
<v Speaker 1>to know what my level of cortisol is right now? Sure,

0:18:49.880 --> 0:18:52.879
<v Speaker 1>that's normal. I guess Okay, I'm gonna open my eyes.

0:18:53.800 --> 0:18:58.359
<v Speaker 1>It's fine. Everything is safe, and I'm opening my eyes

0:18:58.480 --> 0:19:02.720
<v Speaker 1>and okay, you're right. The raccoon is no longer in

0:19:02.760 --> 0:19:05.760
<v Speaker 1>the studio. Sorry about that, folks. We had a little

0:19:05.840 --> 0:19:10.080
<v Speaker 1>technical difficulty. I wouldn't count this as technical difficulties, but yeah,

0:19:10.200 --> 0:19:12.280
<v Speaker 1>as we said, there was a raccoon in the studio.

0:19:13.480 --> 0:19:17.560
<v Speaker 1>I think you overreacted a little bit. I didn't have

0:19:17.600 --> 0:19:20.080
<v Speaker 1>to be like that. I just the guilt, you know,

0:19:20.200 --> 0:19:23.000
<v Speaker 1>has gotten to me over the years, and and I

0:19:23.080 --> 0:19:27.240
<v Speaker 1>do want to apologize for urinating over there in the corner.

0:19:27.320 --> 0:19:31.760
<v Speaker 1>My my apologies for whoever has to clean that up.

0:19:31.800 --> 0:19:36.920
<v Speaker 1>And since there is no other staff here that probably

0:19:37.080 --> 0:19:41.520
<v Speaker 1>I'm not going to do it has to be that's disgusting. Okay,

0:19:41.760 --> 0:19:46.159
<v Speaker 1>So I'm here, you're here. Yes, what do we have

0:19:46.200 --> 0:19:48.800
<v Speaker 1>on the show today? So glad I came in today.

0:19:48.840 --> 0:19:51.840
<v Speaker 1>Instead of us doing this over Zoom, I would have

0:19:51.880 --> 0:19:55.760
<v Speaker 1>loved today over Zoom. Actually, do you remember the kids

0:19:55.760 --> 0:20:02.280
<v Speaker 1>show Zoom on public television? Yes, that's it. One of

0:20:02.359 --> 0:20:06.600
<v Speaker 1>those kids who were the Zoom Gang. Do they get

0:20:06.600 --> 0:20:10.440
<v Speaker 1>a little you know, cashish. Every time someone organizes a

0:20:10.520 --> 0:20:13.200
<v Speaker 1>Zoom meeting, I can't imagine they do. I hope they do,

0:20:13.920 --> 0:20:17.560
<v Speaker 1>because those kids were mesmerizing. They were great every one time.

0:20:17.880 --> 0:20:20.040
<v Speaker 1>They all hate salting crackers, and they tried to whistle.

0:20:20.520 --> 0:20:25.360
<v Speaker 1>It's impossible. It's impossible. Tried it at home. Well, let's

0:20:25.400 --> 0:20:28.919
<v Speaker 1>get back to our show. Yes, so we're today. We

0:20:29.040 --> 0:20:34.040
<v Speaker 1>are interviewing Bruno Mars. No, he had a very tight window,

0:20:34.200 --> 0:20:37.040
<v Speaker 1>and yet again we were dealing with a situation in

0:20:37.080 --> 0:20:40.320
<v Speaker 1>the studio. So I don't know. I call his manager.

0:20:40.359 --> 0:20:43.200
<v Speaker 1>We can try and get him back at a time. Yeah, right,

0:20:43.240 --> 0:20:47.120
<v Speaker 1>like that's gonna happen. He's too busy, man. I had

0:20:47.240 --> 0:20:50.520
<v Speaker 1>really great questions ready for Bruno Mars. Look at this one.

0:20:50.520 --> 0:20:57.360
<v Speaker 1>I wrote, um, want to come to a fond due orgy? No, No,

0:20:57.440 --> 0:21:00.440
<v Speaker 1>not that question. There were more questions. I I wasn't

0:21:00.480 --> 0:21:03.920
<v Speaker 1>just going to ask him that the only one. Yeah,

0:21:04.200 --> 0:21:06.679
<v Speaker 1>how about it. Thank you to me for dealing with

0:21:06.680 --> 0:21:09.040
<v Speaker 1>the raccoon in the studio while you shut your eyes

0:21:09.080 --> 0:21:12.399
<v Speaker 1>the whole time. Thank you, Carolina. You you handled that

0:21:12.560 --> 0:21:15.359
<v Speaker 1>like a real pro. How did the raccoon get in

0:21:15.440 --> 0:21:18.640
<v Speaker 1>the studio in the first place, they opened up a

0:21:18.760 --> 0:21:22.679
<v Speaker 1>virtual Instagram petting zoo downstairs. I think it may have

0:21:22.840 --> 0:21:26.240
<v Speaker 1>climbed up from there. What what is a virtual Instagram

0:21:26.280 --> 0:21:29.359
<v Speaker 1>petting zoo? I guess during COVID you can't really go

0:21:29.440 --> 0:21:32.080
<v Speaker 1>to a petting zoo, so they just post pictures of

0:21:32.080 --> 0:21:34.800
<v Speaker 1>the animals on Instagram and if you hit the like button,

0:21:34.880 --> 0:21:38.439
<v Speaker 1>that's like petting the animals. It's so sad. That sounds

0:21:38.600 --> 0:21:41.760
<v Speaker 1>really unfulfilling. Yeah, really depressing. That's supposed to be a

0:21:41.760 --> 0:21:44.320
<v Speaker 1>substitute for a petting zoo. I don't know they're making

0:21:44.400 --> 0:21:51.320
<v Speaker 1>like fifty k a sponsored post though. Good to know. Well, Caroline,

0:21:51.359 --> 0:21:54.160
<v Speaker 1>I just want to be upfront with you. I always

0:21:54.200 --> 0:21:59.120
<v Speaker 1>had a small stash of poison darts on my person. Okay,

0:21:59.160 --> 0:22:03.040
<v Speaker 1>I have a special panel sewn into each in every

0:22:03.119 --> 0:22:05.520
<v Speaker 1>suit jacket, so you always have the mind. I always

0:22:05.600 --> 0:22:07.439
<v Speaker 1>keep them on me, and I just have to be

0:22:07.480 --> 0:22:11.160
<v Speaker 1>careful not to prick myself. No kidding. That sounds so dangerous.

0:22:11.200 --> 0:22:14.919
<v Speaker 1>Bye bye baby. Yeah, hospital time, hospital time, which is

0:22:15.040 --> 0:22:16.960
<v Speaker 1>what I'll do to you if you're getting near my

0:22:16.960 --> 0:22:21.560
<v Speaker 1>trunk trunk of my car. Not you're not my caboose,

0:22:22.640 --> 0:22:24.080
<v Speaker 1>but seriously, if you try to put an ant on

0:22:24.119 --> 0:22:29.000
<v Speaker 1>my caboose, it's hospital time. Also, unless you're a beautiful woman.

0:22:29.400 --> 0:22:31.320
<v Speaker 1>But if I try to put my hand on your caboose,

0:22:32.800 --> 0:22:38.640
<v Speaker 1>HD hospital time. Yes, I'm really sorry, but that's all

0:22:38.680 --> 0:22:42.480
<v Speaker 1>the time we have for the Run Burgundy podcast this week.

0:22:43.240 --> 0:22:45.960
<v Speaker 1>You want to thank you all of our wonderful listeners.

0:22:46.280 --> 0:22:51.280
<v Speaker 1>Are army of listeners out there. Oh God, it's back.

0:22:51.359 --> 0:22:54.960
<v Speaker 1>It's okay, it's back. It's okay. I got this one.

0:22:55.400 --> 0:22:58.960
<v Speaker 1>Don't take those out, I got it. Put them away.

0:22:59.200 --> 0:23:05.040
<v Speaker 1>Stay still wreck Coon, stay still elf. Oh no, Carolina,

0:23:05.760 --> 0:23:10.119
<v Speaker 1>Oh that's okay. I have an antidote on me as well. Nope,

0:23:10.240 --> 0:23:13.679
<v Speaker 1>I don't. Oh lord, we only have forty five seconds

0:23:13.680 --> 0:23:17.160
<v Speaker 1>to get you to a hospital. The hospital sign