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Speaker 1: Ron. Welcome to the Ron Burgundy Podcast. My name is

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Speaker 1: Ron Burgundy. Last time I checked in the phone book,

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Speaker 1: and here I am with some other people. You're it's

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Speaker 1: just me. You're here with me Carolina? And is it

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Speaker 1: Carolina or Carolina? How do you pronounce that? Um, it's Carolina.

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Speaker 1: It's so funny. You just have one of those faces

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Speaker 1: where someone can know you for years and forget everything

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Speaker 1: about you in one second. And I mean that as

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Speaker 1: a compliment. It's it's very poetic. Actually, I think that's rude.

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Speaker 1: I think that's very rude. All Right, you know what.

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Speaker 1: I was gonna wait till later to bring this up,

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Speaker 1: But Caroline, I just need to tell you this. I

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Speaker 1: have a piece of dried being like a like a

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Speaker 1: pento being. Skin on your tooth must be your from

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Speaker 1: your breakfast burrito. I wish you had brought it up earlier.

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Speaker 1: Act Is that is that rude? Should I not have told? No?

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Speaker 1: I just why, I don't know. I just tell me

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Speaker 1: on air. But one second, just let me get it. Okay,

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Speaker 1: it's fine. Just let's move on. Oh you did not

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Speaker 1: get its, sister. It moved into the house next door.

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Speaker 1: It looks like someone knocked your other tooth out? Are

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Speaker 1: you embarrassing about the bean on your tooth? I'm we

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Speaker 1: have a little bit of a situation today. I mean

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Speaker 1: there's nobody in the studio due to social distancing. Yes,

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Speaker 1: social distancing is key, but the social distancing guidelines have

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Speaker 1: put a real damper on my parties for like a year.

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Speaker 1: Well it's almost over, and can I be frank with you,

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Speaker 1: My last Fondu night slash neighborhood orgy sucked. I could

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Speaker 1: only invite one person and I was torn between Patrick

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Speaker 1: Dempsey and Bodic Interesting, but neither of them answered their pages.

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Speaker 1: So I ended up just having November's Playmate of the

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Speaker 1: Month come over and we ate a bowl of melted

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Speaker 1: lukewarm fon du cheese and made love silently. I think

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Speaker 1: I coughed. It was awkward because there are usually sixty

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Speaker 1: other people in the room. But that's that's social distancing

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Speaker 1: for you. Oh great, big brother, wish he'd social distance

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Speaker 1: a little bit. You know what I mean? Is that

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Speaker 1: what's making the sounds, big brother? In the microphones? I mean,

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Speaker 1: every everyone knows that. You know, when they've tapped your phones,

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Speaker 1: there's that clicking sound, right. I don't think that's big brother.

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Speaker 1: I actually don't know what that sound is. One second, Carolina,

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Speaker 1: don't play footsie with me. That's inappropriate, boss. But furthermore,

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Speaker 1: I'm also out of your league, much more attractive than you.

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Speaker 1: I didn't try to play footsie with you. Wait, I

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Speaker 1: think is there something under the desk? What in God's

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Speaker 1: name is it? Oh my god? Okay, what Carolina, Carolina?

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Speaker 1: What is it? Okay, it's um it's a raccoon. Oh,

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Speaker 1: oh my god. I knew this day would come. I

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Speaker 1: knew this day would come. You did. Wait, I don't

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Speaker 1: know how it got in here. You know why. It

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Speaker 1: must have crawled through that hole you kicked in the wall.

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Speaker 1: Is it Is it still in there? Yes, it's still

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Speaker 1: in here. Run. There's actually nothing to be afraid of.

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Speaker 1: We can take care of this. Get it the hell

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Speaker 1: out of the studio. Does anyone have a tranquilizer God? No,

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Speaker 1: Why would anyone bring a tranquilizer gun to the studio? Well,

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Speaker 1: for one, because it's in my contract. I'll be talking

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Speaker 1: to my lawyer about that. Wait, I'm so sorry. What's

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Speaker 1: in your contract? Ever since we had that be in

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Speaker 1: the studio, I explicitly made sure that there was language

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Speaker 1: that there will always be at least six tranquilizer guns

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Speaker 1: on the premises of a Ron Burgundy appearance at all

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Speaker 1: times for safety. Yes, this is for the safety of

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Speaker 1: the crew and also for my own protection. Oh my god, Okay, okay,

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Speaker 1: there's no train wiser guns on. I guarantee you this

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Speaker 1: raccoon is more scared of you than you are of it.

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Speaker 1: And I'm looking at it. Oh my god. It looks

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Speaker 1: a little confused, but it's not threaten an. You are

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Speaker 1: so naive, Carolina, it makes me sick. That's exactly what

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Speaker 1: the raccoon wants you to think. It's luring you into

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Speaker 1: a false sense of security. Don't don't look at its eyes.

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Speaker 1: It's trying to form a bond with you, and that's

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Speaker 1: when it will attack. Ron. It's literally just sitting here

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Speaker 1: in the chair, the one you usually sit, and actually

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Speaker 1: it's it's kind of cute. I'm sorry. Are you comparing

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Speaker 1: me to raccoon, Carolina? No, that is disrespectful. I am

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Speaker 1: nothing like a raccoon. They are untrustworthy creatures and that's

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Speaker 1: why they're always wearing bandit masks stealing trash. Have you

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Speaker 1: ever seen me wear a bandit mask. No, because I'm

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Speaker 1: a man, not a raccoon. And if I were an animal,

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Speaker 1: I I'd be a hawk, no heart hawk, but with

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Speaker 1: the beautiful teeth of a beaver, and with the memory

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Speaker 1: of an elephant, and the hair of a bison, and

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Speaker 1: certainly have a nice ass too. So whatever animal that

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Speaker 1: is you fill in the blank. I guess you know.

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Speaker 1: I wasn't implying that you were a raccoon. I have

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Speaker 1: seen you eat leftover birthday cake straight from the trash. Okay,

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Speaker 1: never mind that. Never seen you eat coffee cake from

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Speaker 1: the trash. I've seen you eat cold cuts from the trash. Okay, okay, okay, okay,

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Speaker 1: we're not going to talk about that. It's not important

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Speaker 1: right now. So what are we dealing with here? Can

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Speaker 1: you get a good look at its genitalia? I'm not

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Speaker 1: seeing it's genitalia. I haven't looked at a raccoon's genitalia before,

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Speaker 1: so I don't even know. Just remember it's front paws

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Speaker 1: are extremely dextrous. Carolina. Are you wearing perfume? No? No,

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Speaker 1: I'm not wearing perfume, of course not. Do you have

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Speaker 1: any you can put on? I have some at home.

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Speaker 1: I don't have any with me. I don't know why. Okay,

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Speaker 1: forget it, forget it, forget it. I was just hoping

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Speaker 1: that cheap mall perfume you wear would help cover the

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Speaker 1: smell of fear in the room. I think it's it's

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Speaker 1: called something like retired show girl. No. First of all,

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Speaker 1: my perfume is not cheap. Okay, don't tell me you're

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Speaker 1: paying a lot of money for that stuff. Wow, you're

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Speaker 1: getting ripped off. It smells like glass cleaner and old tangerine. Okay. Secondly,

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Speaker 1: I'm not scared of the raccoon. If it smells any fear,

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Speaker 1: it's coming from you. I'm sorry to say that, but

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Speaker 1: you No one has a tranquilizer. God, no one, no

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Speaker 1: one's here. I run. This is absolutely insane to me.

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Speaker 1: What what about a taser cattle prod? Did you bring

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Speaker 1: a cattle prod? No? Does one of the nerds in

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Speaker 1: this office have one of those really expensive Star Wars lightsabers?

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, it just moved. Look look it's it

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Speaker 1: thinks it's so cool. I hate how cocky he is.

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Speaker 1: You know what, Ron, Honestly, I think just a waiting game. Okay,

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Speaker 1: I'll order some food and I'm pretty sure we can

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Speaker 1: just lure it out of here with I don't know,

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Speaker 1: a lunch order or something. So let me get this straight.

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Speaker 1: Your plan to deal with that ferocious beast whose genital

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Speaker 1: you you can't even identify is to buy it one

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Speaker 1: of your chopped salads or ordering a damn rack a lamp.

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Speaker 1: It's an omnivore, you idiots. Do you want me to

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Speaker 1: put a call into Dan Tannis? If you're that scared,

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Speaker 1: just stay where you are and don't move. Listen to me, Carolina,

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Speaker 1: the raccoon coming in here, it's no accident. It came

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Speaker 1: in here for a reason, a very specific reason. It

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Speaker 1: came here for revenge. You'll have to explain. I'm I'm

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Speaker 1: not following. Did I ever tell you about my hit

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Speaker 1: and run? It was three I was driving down Pch

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Speaker 1: towards Malibu, listening to John Denver after a bad break

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Speaker 1: up Rocky Mountain. Huh, you know the drill. Anyway, I

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Speaker 1: was eating a burger and smoking a lucy cigarette and

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Speaker 1: I must have gotten distracted. Why don't we do this

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Speaker 1: story off the air and then splat a raccoon across

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Speaker 1: my windshield? Jesus Christ, Okay, I get out. I cry

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Speaker 1: for a good thirty minutes, say a prayer, and give

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Speaker 1: it a proper burial. I mean, that's actually really kind

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Speaker 1: of you. I wouldn't think that was necessary. And as

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Speaker 1: I lay him to rest, I heard something else. That's

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Speaker 1: when over my shoulder I saw a baby raccoon waiting

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Speaker 1: in the brush, staring at me with one tear running down.

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Speaker 1: It's cute, little I'm trying to finish the story. Stopped scuttling.

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Speaker 1: I'm talking about you anyway. I just knew it was

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Speaker 1: his son, and he looked at me, and I knew

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Speaker 1: what he was saying. What was he saying? I'll remember you,

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Speaker 1: Ron got okay, you got that from him? Yes, I'm

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Speaker 1: so sorry you went through that. I don't think that

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Speaker 1: it's related. Okay, Well, you don't sound like you're taking

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Speaker 1: this seriously. What what is that? What? Wit? Wait? What

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Speaker 1: does that sound? Did it puncture you, Carolina in the neck? No,

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Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I'm fine. It's just grabbing at the microphone.

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Speaker 1: Do not give that raccoon a podcast? What. I swear

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Speaker 1: to God, if we start letting animals host podcasts, the

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Speaker 1: press and animal rights groups will be all over us.

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to give the raccoon a podcast. I

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Speaker 1: don't even think there's anyone who would listen to it.

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Speaker 1: I don't think a raccoon could manage a podcast. I

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Speaker 1: don't know. I mean, there's people on YouTube that do

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Speaker 1: this thing called uss are where they scratch things and

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Speaker 1: make sounds with their mouths, and the videos are very popular.

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Speaker 1: Millions of people watch them. Um, that's a s MR.

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure how scientific it is, but I do

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Speaker 1: know that it's very popular. Can we try doing a

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Speaker 1: s MR on the raccoon to lull it into a

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Speaker 1: slumber so it can be safely moved for the room? Um?

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Speaker 1: I don't. I don't know if that will help at all.

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Speaker 1: So you're just sitting there doing nothing, Carolina, Tap your

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Speaker 1: fingers on the mic and see if it calms the raccoon. Obviously,

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Speaker 1: don't use the same mic the raccoon is holding it.

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Speaker 1: It will bite your fingers off. I'm not going to

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Speaker 1: use a s MR. Okay to try and get this

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Speaker 1: raccoon out of here. I'm not just do it, Carolina.

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Speaker 1: You know what, fine, fine scratch scratch, scratch, scratch scratch.

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Speaker 1: Sh Is it working? No? In fact, I think it's

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Speaker 1: actually bothering the raccoon that we're making these weird sounds. Okay,

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Speaker 1: I did not want to do this because I was

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Speaker 1: saving them for a special occasion, but someone grabbed my

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Speaker 1: car keys in the glove compartment as a set of

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Speaker 1: poison blow darts. It's in a black case. If you

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Speaker 1: open it and it looks like something from a James

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Speaker 1: Bond movie, you found the right thing. Bring it to me.

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Speaker 1: Why are you carrying poison blow darts in your glove compartment? Relaxed, Carolina,

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Speaker 1: I have a permit. I'm not going to allow you

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Speaker 1: to shoot a poison blow dart at this innocent baby raccoon.

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Speaker 1: Innocent breaking and entering stalking, harassment in the workplace. It

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Speaker 1: tried to play footsie with me. Do you think that

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Speaker 1: sounds innocent? Well, then I'd hate to find out how

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Speaker 1: you spend your weekends. We're gonna stop for a commercial.

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Speaker 1: Hopefully we'll have this figured out by the time we're back. Okay,

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Speaker 1: don't look at its eyes. It will hypnotize you into

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Speaker 1: thinking it's your friend. Trust me, I've had it happened before.

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Speaker 1: And we're back on the Ron Burgundy Podcast. Thanks for

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Speaker 1: sticking with us today. I have a few things to say.

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Speaker 1: One is the night of August three is one that

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Speaker 1: I'll regret for the rest of my life. I hit

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Speaker 1: a raccoon that night, and his son is here to

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Speaker 1: kill me. Now, Carolina, where you get the damn raccoon

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Speaker 1: out of the studio. I'm trying, Ron. It's actually jumped

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Speaker 1: off the chair and it's just curled up in the corner.

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Speaker 1: You know what I really think if we just called

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Speaker 1: one of the I Heart guys to drive over here

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Speaker 1: and they could pick up some supplies and we could

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Speaker 1: just pick it up and we could release it back

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Speaker 1: into the wild. And no way, no way, There's not

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Speaker 1: a damn chance I'm endangering a member of my crew

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Speaker 1: in here with that wild beast. Well I'm in here,

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Speaker 1: I know, Carolina, and it breaks my heart. But in

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Speaker 1: war there are sometimes casualties. Now, did you learn any

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Speaker 1: self defense moves in your last Zoomba class. It's just

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Speaker 1: a raccoon. I don't have to use self defense. Okay,

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Speaker 1: I have a new plan. I'm going to ask that

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Speaker 1: you edit this part out of the podcast. But are

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Speaker 1: you familiar with agent orange? That is the toxic chemical

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Speaker 1: they used in the Vietnam war. Okay, good, so you

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Speaker 1: know it. I happen to have a very small supply

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Speaker 1: in my tool shed. We don't need much, but let's

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Speaker 1: bring some back here and just toss it into the studio.

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Speaker 1: That's illegal. That's illegal, so we can't do it right.

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Speaker 1: Let's let's edit this part out of the podcast. Keep

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Speaker 1: it on the low low. That way, nobody ever has

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Speaker 1: to know this raccoon or his father, or what I

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Speaker 1: did on the night of August I thought it was August.

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Speaker 1: To be honest, August eight wasn't my best night either.

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Speaker 1: Oh wait, look, the raccoon is sleeping. It looks like

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Speaker 1: it's sucking its thumb or maybe it misses its mommy.

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Speaker 1: Well I didn't touch its mommy. And no, it's not sleeping, Carolina.

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Speaker 1: It's playing dead. It wants you to think it's sleeping

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Speaker 1: before it attacks your face and scratches your eyeballs out.

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Speaker 1: It wants to send a message to me. Thank God,

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Speaker 1: it's going to use you first. I don't think the

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Speaker 1: raccoons that cannot eving or even thinking that far in advance. Okay,

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Speaker 1: listen to me. You need to get in that raccoon's head.

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Speaker 1: It's playing dead. Carolina, lay down on the floor and

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Speaker 1: you play dead too. I'm not laying down before. It's

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Speaker 1: our only option unless you want to use the poison

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Speaker 1: darts in my glove compartment. But again, I'd really like

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Speaker 1: to save those if I can know poison darts. Okay, fine,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to lay down on the floor. And this

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Speaker 1: is really stupid. This is really stupid. But if it's

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Speaker 1: a choice between this and the James Bond darts, I'll

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Speaker 1: choose the floor. It is the choice. Okay, this is

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Speaker 1: really stupid. This is so stupid. But fine, I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: lay down the floor. Are you laying down? Yes? Okay,

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Speaker 1: what about now? Still nothing and I'm on the floor.

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Speaker 1: This raccoon is a smart little son of a gun. Okay, wait,

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Speaker 1: hold on, something's happening. What what what's happening? Is it?

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Speaker 1: Is it spraying urine as a defense? No, it's not, okay,

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Speaker 1: because I am run. Come on, If this raccoon wants

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Speaker 1: to get into a literally a kissing contest with ron Burgnity,

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Speaker 1: it's it's gonna lose. You're going to the bathroom in

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Speaker 1: the corner. I am I'm marking my territory. That's all

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Speaker 1: I'm doing. Just hold it. Okay, Okay, it's getting up.

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Speaker 1: I can see him moving. Okay, run, don't freak out.

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Speaker 1: But it's making its way to your gym bag. Go

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Speaker 1: to commercial. Go to commercial right now. People should not

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Speaker 1: hear this. Run just look at it. I'm not going

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Speaker 1: I can't just make eyes. We don't want to look

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Speaker 1: at it. Okay, we are back. Just to update everyone

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Speaker 1: on the situation. There's a raccoon in the studio. I'm

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Speaker 1: refusing to look at it because I don't want to

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Speaker 1: make eye contact. It's currently, according to Carolina run edging

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Speaker 1: through my gym bag. Carolina has taken refuge on the

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Speaker 1: floor and is doing absolutely nothing to help. You told

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Speaker 1: me to get down the floor. I this wasn't my decision.

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Speaker 1: Do you have eyes on the beast, and remember, do

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Speaker 1: not make eye contact. It's just kind of going for

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Speaker 1: your stuff. It looks like it's trying some stuff on. Okay, Well,

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Speaker 1: there's a gun in there, but it's not loaded. Damn,

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Speaker 1: that's my fault. I'm just going to call that a

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Speaker 1: blessing in disguise. I am sorry everyone. This is one

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Speaker 1: of the worst things to happen in a long time.

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Speaker 1: I can't think of a tougher situation in recent times

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Speaker 1: than what's happening right now. Ron. Don't say that that's

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Speaker 1: not the case, Carolina. I just I just thought of something. Move,

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Speaker 1: move your head around. Maybe we'll think your hair is

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Speaker 1: another raccoon, and it will try and mate with you,

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Speaker 1: mate with the back of your head. And then as

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Speaker 1: soon as it's on your head, just run out of

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Speaker 1: the room and dunk your head straight into the toilet. No, no,

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Speaker 1: hold on. It looks like it's eyeing the door. It's

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Speaker 1: going to leave the room. Oh that's good, Oh my god,

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Speaker 1: this is so cute. It's call one of your ties

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Speaker 1: in its mouth. What it has one of your highs

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Speaker 1: from your bag and its mouth. It looks like it's

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Speaker 1: ready to scamper out of here. What color is the tie?

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Speaker 1: It's red, Carolina. Listen to me. Do not let that

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Speaker 1: raccoon leave the studio with that tie. That's a sixteen

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Speaker 1: hundred dollar tie. What do you want me to do?

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Speaker 1: Try and grab it from the raccoon. Yes, yes, I

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Speaker 1: do get the tie, Carolina, reach it. I think it's

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Speaker 1: walking away with the tyrone. Well, that's theft. I don't

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Speaker 1: know if it's a felony, but with the breaking and entering,

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Speaker 1: we will definitely be filing a police report. And if

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Speaker 1: I have to get this raccoon in civil cord, I

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Speaker 1: will get him in the tiniest, cutest raccoon handcuffs. Oh look, look, run, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: the raccoon has left the studio. Okay, are you sure

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Speaker 1: I'm positive there's no longer a raccoon in the studio.

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Speaker 1: It's safe to look. Okay, CAROLINEA listened to me. I

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Speaker 1: have texted Julius, the parking attendant, to deliver my blow

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Speaker 1: darts to me, okay, if that was necessary. And I'm

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Speaker 1: just warning you if I see anything that looks like

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Speaker 1: a raccoon come back in here. I'm gonna have to

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Speaker 1: use them, and you know me, I'm i act on

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Speaker 1: my impults. Okay, just open your eyes. I'm going to

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Speaker 1: get up and wave my hands around and you'll know

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Speaker 1: definitely I'm not a raccoon. Okay, I will open my eyes,

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Speaker 1: and even though I know it's just you and I

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Speaker 1: in this room together, you really need to wave your

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Speaker 1: arms to let me know that you're not the raccoon. Okay,

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Speaker 1: Because this is very high stress situation, I would hate

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Speaker 1: to know what my level of cortisol is right now? Sure,

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Speaker 1: that's normal. I guess Okay, I'm gonna open my eyes.

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Speaker 1: It's fine. Everything is safe, and I'm opening my eyes

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Speaker 1: and okay, you're right. The raccoon is no longer in

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Speaker 1: the studio. Sorry about that, folks. We had a little

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Speaker 1: technical difficulty. I wouldn't count this as technical difficulties, but yeah,

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Speaker 1: as we said, there was a raccoon in the studio.

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Speaker 1: I think you overreacted a little bit. I didn't have

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Speaker 1: to be like that. I just the guilt, you know,

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Speaker 1: has gotten to me over the years, and and I

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Speaker 1: do want to apologize for urinating over there in the corner.

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Speaker 1: My my apologies for whoever has to clean that up.

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Speaker 1: And since there is no other staff here that probably

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to do it has to be that's disgusting. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So I'm here, you're here. Yes, what do we have

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Speaker 1: on the show today? So glad I came in today.

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Speaker 1: Instead of us doing this over Zoom, I would have

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Speaker 1: loved today over Zoom. Actually, do you remember the kids

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Speaker 1: show Zoom on public television? Yes, that's it. One of

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Speaker 1: those kids who were the Zoom Gang. Do they get

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Speaker 1: a little you know, cashish. Every time someone organizes a

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Speaker 1: Zoom meeting, I can't imagine they do. I hope they do,

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Speaker 1: because those kids were mesmerizing. They were great every one time.

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Speaker 1: They all hate salting crackers, and they tried to whistle.

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Speaker 1: It's impossible. It's impossible. Tried it at home. Well, let's

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Speaker 1: get back to our show. Yes, so we're today. We

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Speaker 1: are interviewing Bruno Mars. No, he had a very tight window,

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Speaker 1: and yet again we were dealing with a situation in

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Speaker 1: the studio. So I don't know. I call his manager.

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Speaker 1: We can try and get him back at a time. Yeah, right,

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Speaker 1: like that's gonna happen. He's too busy, man. I had

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Speaker 1: really great questions ready for Bruno Mars. Look at this one.

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Speaker 1: I wrote, um, want to come to a fond due orgy? No, No,

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Speaker 1: not that question. There were more questions. I I wasn't

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Speaker 1: just going to ask him that the only one. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: how about it. Thank you to me for dealing with

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Speaker 1: the raccoon in the studio while you shut your eyes

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Speaker 1: the whole time. Thank you, Carolina. You you handled that

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Speaker 1: like a real pro. How did the raccoon get in

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Speaker 1: the studio in the first place, they opened up a

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Speaker 1: virtual Instagram petting zoo downstairs. I think it may have

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Speaker 1: climbed up from there. What what is a virtual Instagram

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Speaker 1: petting zoo? I guess during COVID you can't really go

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Speaker 1: to a petting zoo, so they just post pictures of

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Speaker 1: the animals on Instagram and if you hit the like button,

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Speaker 1: that's like petting the animals. It's so sad. That sounds

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Speaker 1: really unfulfilling. Yeah, really depressing. That's supposed to be a

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Speaker 1: substitute for a petting zoo. I don't know they're making

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Speaker 1: like fifty k a sponsored post though. Good to know. Well, Caroline,

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Speaker 1: I just want to be upfront with you. I always

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Speaker 1: had a small stash of poison darts on my person. Okay,

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Speaker 1: I have a special panel sewn into each in every

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Speaker 1: suit jacket, so you always have the mind. I always

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Speaker 1: keep them on me, and I just have to be

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Speaker 1: careful not to prick myself. No kidding. That sounds so dangerous.

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Speaker 1: Bye bye baby. Yeah, hospital time, hospital time, which is

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Speaker 1: what I'll do to you if you're getting near my

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Speaker 1: trunk trunk of my car. Not you're not my caboose,

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Speaker 1: but seriously, if you try to put an ant on

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Speaker 1: my caboose, it's hospital time. Also, unless you're a beautiful woman.

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Speaker 1: But if I try to put my hand on your caboose,

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Speaker 1: HD hospital time. Yes, I'm really sorry, but that's all

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Speaker 1: the time we have for the Run Burgundy podcast this week.

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Speaker 1: You want to thank you all of our wonderful listeners.

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Speaker 1: Are army of listeners out there. Oh God, it's back.

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Speaker 1: It's okay, it's back. It's okay. I got this one.

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Speaker 1: Don't take those out, I got it. Put them away.

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Speaker 1: Stay still wreck Coon, stay still elf. Oh no, Carolina,

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Speaker 1: Oh that's okay. I have an antidote on me as well. Nope,

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Speaker 1: I don't. Oh lord, we only have forty five seconds

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Speaker 1: to get you to a hospital. The hospital sign