Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship,
Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: r Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1: Greetings and welcome to the our Spot. This is the
Speaker 1: place where we examine, explore, dissect, and investigate issues and
Speaker 1: problems related to relationships, all kinds of relationships. It is
Speaker 1: my intention that we all learn and develop the skills
Speaker 1: and tools required to make our relationships better. Because relationshipships
Speaker 1: are such an essential part of our lives, they are
Speaker 1: the places we go to grow in our experience of love.
Speaker 1: I am Young le van Za, your host, your facilitator,
Speaker 1: and your co pilot for a journey into relationships. So
Speaker 1: here's a little something for us to nibble on today.
Speaker 1: Because no matter who you are, chances are you have
Speaker 1: one an X your past, previous, former partner, lover, spouse
Speaker 1: from a relationship that is now defunct by God prior.
Speaker 1: That means you either have a husband or a wife
Speaker 1: ben and it doesn't matter what you call him or
Speaker 1: her or how you dress it up. Most of us
Speaker 1: have as least one, some of us have a whole
Speaker 1: team of them, a person who had potential. Maybe or
Speaker 1: perhaps you thought they were the one, You wanted them
Speaker 1: to be the one. You knew they weren't the one,
Speaker 1: but you stayed and tried to make it work. The
Speaker 1: ex who calls you sometime, and when they do, you
Speaker 1: wonder why why are you calling me? Or they never
Speaker 1: call and you wonder why why don't they ever call me?
Speaker 1: I mean, after all that we were together, don't they
Speaker 1: think about me? Or when they do call, you hate
Speaker 1: it or you love it, or you may use it
Speaker 1: as just another opportunity to stick it to them or
Speaker 1: have them stick it to you. An X whether the
Speaker 1: relationship ended well, if that's possible, or badly. If you
Speaker 1: have an ex, chances are you have some baggage, some hurt,
Speaker 1: some upset, some believe, some perceptions that you may still
Speaker 1: be dragging around because you see, if you didn't complete
Speaker 1: the relationship consciously and cleanly, your ex may still be
Speaker 1: occupying space in your heart and in your life, or worse,
Speaker 1: they may be wreaking havoc in your mind, your heart,
Speaker 1: and in your new relationship. It's not uncommon that many
Speaker 1: of us cannot move forward in our relationships because we
Speaker 1: have some unfinished business with our ex. So on today's
Speaker 1: our spot, we are going to be talking about our
Speaker 1: relationship with our exes. Is it a healthy relationship? Is
Speaker 1: it an awful relationship? But more importantly, is the relationship
Speaker 1: we had blocking us from experiencing joy, peace love? Now?
Speaker 1: You see, the person may still be alive, but the
Speaker 1: relationship is over. It's dead, departed, defunct. The issue is
Speaker 1: is it in its final resting place? And are you
Speaker 1: resting in peace with it? Maybe? Maybe not, who knows,
Speaker 1: we'll see. Here's my first guest, Greetings, we love it
Speaker 1: and welcome to the R Spot. We are talking today
Speaker 1: about your relationship with your ex. Do you have on
Speaker 1: and what does that relationship look like? How is it
Speaker 1: affecting you today?
Speaker 2: Hey aun Tich, how are you?
Speaker 1: I am well and how are you and your ex?
Speaker 2: Me and my ex? First, let me start by saying,
Speaker 2: I am just in talking to you. I have been
Speaker 2: reading your books. You have been a lifelong staple with me,
Speaker 2: but I'm still a little rocky. My ship is still
Speaker 2: a little rocky in relationships, but I was in a
Speaker 2: relationship with a man who was sixteen years older than me.
Speaker 2: Everything started out really really well. We were dating, having
Speaker 2: a good time, laughing, talking, We could talk about anything.
Speaker 2: Personal issues started slipping in about six months in. I
Speaker 2: think he had a need to end up going to jail,
Speaker 2: and he was like, I don't want to be bothered
Speaker 2: with any portion of that. I raised them, and you know,
Speaker 2: the young lady didn't like him. She threatened him all
Speaker 2: kinds of stuff. And then he's dealing with a mother
Speaker 2: who's now ninety six. At the time, she was ninety five,
Speaker 2: and her wanted him to go back and forth of
Speaker 2: the court and all that kind of stuff. So whenever
Speaker 2: he was doing that, all of that kind of spilled
Speaker 2: over into our relationship. And I mentioned that to him
Speaker 2: in an attempt to try to, you know, figure this out,
Speaker 2: kind of balance it. But that didn't work. And then
Speaker 2: you know, his mother had a birthday and her health
Speaker 2: decline even more so now he's home from like October
Speaker 2: to February, and just dealing with him was just crazy.
Speaker 2: And I just didn't realize how much of his stuff
Speaker 2: that was just on me. It was every day I
Speaker 2: talked to him was woe was me was me? Then
Speaker 2: we would have little arguments in him saying, you know
Speaker 2: that I'm selfish, I'm not being sympathetic to him, and
Speaker 2: this and a that, and all the time I'm trying
Speaker 2: to support you, the encouragement to you, and pushing my
Speaker 2: own stuff to the side. So a part of me
Speaker 2: one day said to him, you know, maybe we should
Speaker 2: just be friends, and he's like, I don't want to
Speaker 2: just be your friend. You know, I'm sorry about what's
Speaker 2: going on. It's really meroke and I'm confused. I don't
Speaker 2: know what to do. I don't have any help with
Speaker 2: my mom. It's just me. So we went on a
Speaker 2: little bit after that, and then our last visit, you know,
Speaker 2: cause something had already been stirring in me in like June,
Speaker 2: to get your pieces together, and it seemed like everywhere
Speaker 2: I turned it was something that was speaking to me
Speaker 2: that I needed to do as far as just dealing
Speaker 2: with some things from my past as well as relationships.
Speaker 2: So our last visit, you know, he just said some
Speaker 2: things to me that just hit home for me, and
Speaker 2: it just kind of pushed me into going to sign
Speaker 2: up for some therapy and just really started looking at
Speaker 2: who I am. And I've been reading your book. One
Speaker 2: day my soul just opened up. And I do have
Speaker 2: a page in my book where one day you asked
Speaker 2: about who are you? Not what you do, but who
Speaker 2: are you? And my page is blank on that, and
Speaker 2: that's something I want to work on. So I didn't
Speaker 2: talk to him for two days and then I finally
Speaker 2: got up to her to say that I'm gonna move
Speaker 2: myself from this equation so you don't have to figure
Speaker 2: out how to fit me in. But I've been feeling
Speaker 2: so sad about it because I miss some I don't
Speaker 2: miss the you know, the camaraderie. I've been feeling guilty
Speaker 2: because you know when to me, when people are in
Speaker 2: the lowest part of their life, you know they need
Speaker 2: somebody there. Did I leave too soon? But at the
Speaker 2: same time, I'm feeling relieved because for the last ten
Speaker 2: days I have got the best rest I've had in
Speaker 2: a very long time. So I don't know, I'm just
Speaker 2: kind of conflicting in My emotions are just everywhere, all
Speaker 2: over the place.
Speaker 1: Well, okay, so this is a brand new AX. It's
Speaker 1: a brand new.
Speaker 2: AX, right, Yeah, I hadn't dated anybody in a long
Speaker 2: long time because I was a mess with dating.
Speaker 1: Mm hm, how did this then? It ended on the telephone?
Speaker 1: Is that accurate? Or did it end in person?
Speaker 2: It ended? I believe it ended the night before. I
Speaker 2: just didn't say anything. I waited a couple of days,
Speaker 2: and then I ended it on the phone because I
Speaker 2: had to take in what he had said to me,
Speaker 2: because there was some things that were already resonating with me.
Speaker 1: What did he say? Tell me what he said?
Speaker 2: So he always said that you know, it wasn't me,
Speaker 2: it was him, you know, dealing with his mom, him
Speaker 2: not having anybody, And he was like, you have no
Speaker 2: empathy for me. It's like if it's not your way,
Speaker 2: you know, you're pouting or you get quiet, you don't
Speaker 2: say anything, and you know it's not all about you
Speaker 2: all the time. You know, you always asking me about
Speaker 2: my mom and what's going on with me, but you
Speaker 2: never say anything about what's going on with you. But
Speaker 2: I never had a chance to talk about anything that
Speaker 2: was going on with me because every time I talked
Speaker 2: to him, it was about what was him, what's going
Speaker 2: on with him? I'm feeling this, I'm feeling that way,
Speaker 2: and I don't feel good. I'm this, I'm bad. So
Speaker 2: a lot of my stuff I just didn't even talk about.
Speaker 2: And one day I did just kind of blow up
Speaker 2: and I just told him about that, and he was like,
Speaker 2: I don't like that you're crying or I make you
Speaker 2: feel bad. But that's pretty much, you know a lot
Speaker 2: of what he said. And it resonated with me a
Speaker 2: little bit about, you know, am I being selfish? You know,
Speaker 2: by saying, you know, I want to see you, but
Speaker 2: I do understand that you're dealing with your mom. I
Speaker 2: would never say don't deal with your mom. So I
Speaker 2: did introduce the idea, maybe you know, I could come
Speaker 2: your way sometime. We could do things in the area
Speaker 2: close to your home, so if you need to go
Speaker 2: home and check on her, you can. Well.
Speaker 1: Let me ask you a question. Is this relationship over?
Speaker 1: Is the relationship over?
Speaker 2: I removed myself from the equation.
Speaker 1: Here's the question. Here's the question. Here's the question. Because
Speaker 1: the relationship is the relationship over in your mind, in
Speaker 1: your heart? Is it over?
Speaker 2: I don't believe so.
Speaker 1: Okay, So then you don't have an X. What you
Speaker 1: have is a partner that you're dissatisfied with. Okay, So
Speaker 1: there's an opportunity that you will reboot this relationship. Is
Speaker 1: that accurate?
Speaker 2: I don't know. I'm on the fence. I don't know.
Speaker 2: I really don't know, because by me saying moving myself
Speaker 2: from the equation, I never said.
Speaker 3: Is this over?
Speaker 1: Okay, what did you say to him? You're removing yourself
Speaker 1: from the equation? What does that mean?
Speaker 2: Just taking myself out of the picture of you know,
Speaker 2: him having to deal with his mom and his other
Speaker 2: personal issues and his health issues. So let me remove myself.
Speaker 2: That gives you time to do what you need to
Speaker 2: do with your mom and whatever going on with you,
Speaker 2: And that gives me time to do what I need
Speaker 2: to do with me, and then you don't have to
Speaker 2: figure about how you make time to come and see
Speaker 2: me and have relationship at the same time. So I
Speaker 2: just said I'll remove myself.
Speaker 1: So if you're not in the equation, why isn't the
Speaker 1: relationship over?
Speaker 2: Well, I guess it is. We just never said it's over.
Speaker 2: He just said, Okay, I understand, And you know he's like,
Speaker 2: he understand.
Speaker 1: What what does he understand? Because you you don't understand, So.
Speaker 2: Understand my choice of removing myself from the whole situation.
Speaker 1: The relationship is not over because you haven't. You haven't
Speaker 1: closed it out, you haven't completed it. You may be
Speaker 1: finished with the way it is now, but you're not
Speaker 1: complete with him. Do you understand what I'm saying? I
Speaker 1: think so, you see, there's a distinction between being finished
Speaker 1: and being complete, and meant very often we get finished,
Speaker 1: but we don't complete. You know, you finish your dinner,
Speaker 1: but if you put the plate in the sink and
Speaker 1: don't wash it, there's still evidence that you had dinner.
Speaker 1: And at any point you may go get that plate,
Speaker 1: wipe it off with a little paper towel, and put
Speaker 1: some more food on it. But when you are complete,
Speaker 1: you wash the dish, you put the food away, you
Speaker 1: clean off the stove, you turn out the lights, and
Speaker 1: you go on to do something else. What you've done
Speaker 1: is just put the plate in the sink, and at
Speaker 1: any given moment you can go back and pick it up.
Speaker 1: That makes sense, But the issue because you can't move on.
Speaker 1: You can't move on, and if you find out today
Speaker 1: or tomorrow that he's seeing somebody else, you will have
Speaker 1: a hissy fit and your hair be on fire because
Speaker 1: you're not complete. Yeah, yeah, So what you might want
Speaker 1: to do and instead of thinking of him as your
Speaker 1: ex is you might want to do a kind of
Speaker 1: autopsy just to see what's going on in the relationship,
Speaker 1: to see if this is the relationship you want, if
Speaker 1: this is the person you want to be with, and
Speaker 1: if it's not, then you can complete it. Otherwise, you
Speaker 1: and any moment you can go put some more mashed
Speaker 1: potatoes on the plate, right and be wondering why you
Speaker 1: got potatoes instead of rice.
Speaker 2: Right. So by completing it, which means I would have
Speaker 2: to make another phone call and say that it's over, well.
Speaker 1: You don't have to, but you have to complete it
Speaker 1: within yourself for yourself. I am complete with this relationship.
Speaker 1: I am moving on to look at myself. Here's the thing, beloved.
Speaker 1: Let's start here or let's go here.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: People come into your life for a reason, a reason,
Speaker 1: or a lifetime.
Speaker 2: Yes, I believe that.
Speaker 1: Once you figure out what this person's purpose was in
Speaker 1: your life, then you know how to complete Did he
Speaker 1: come into your life for a specific reason to show
Speaker 1: you something, to teach you, something, to give you something,
Speaker 1: to give you an experience of something. Did he come
Speaker 1: into your life for a season, meaning just a little
Speaker 1: while to bring you joy or laughter or excitement or
Speaker 1: good sex or no sex or whatever. He may have
Speaker 1: come in for a reason for a season. Maybe the
Speaker 1: things he said were things that you really do need
Speaker 1: to investigate. Maybe you need to go back and fill
Speaker 1: out that who are my page and get clear and
Speaker 1: once you understand who you are, are you the person
Speaker 1: to be with this particular individual. Yes, See, the mistake
Speaker 1: that you're making his psycho social history really is not
Speaker 1: your business. The fact that he got issues and mama
Speaker 1: sick or old or whatever, that's not the issue. The
Speaker 1: issue is how are you with him? Can you be
Speaker 1: with him? Is he the one that you want to
Speaker 1: be with? But you cannot answer that until you answer
Speaker 1: how are you with you?
Speaker 2: Absolutely well, I had that same I had that same
Speaker 2: thought because you know, I could I say some things
Speaker 2: have been stern in me that I've been just been
Speaker 2: pulling on me for a long time that I need
Speaker 2: to address. And I kept saying, Okay, let me find
Speaker 2: some therapy so I can get somewhere and talk to
Speaker 2: somebody about it. And that night, that Friday night, when
Speaker 2: he was talking about that. Later on a couple days later,
Speaker 2: I thought about that. I said, you know, maybe you
Speaker 2: know he brought me that little joy in the first part,
Speaker 2: but this second half is for me to the extra push,
Speaker 2: just to go ahead and go and see about yourself.
Speaker 2: So that's when I started doing your book. One day,
Speaker 2: my soul just opened up. And I've been doing my
Speaker 2: journaling and all of that, and I did book a
Speaker 2: therapy point. I had one appointment, and you know, she
Speaker 2: gave me a list of some things to do that
Speaker 2: we're gonna dive into. And she added some things to
Speaker 2: the list as well.
Speaker 1: We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back
Speaker 1: to the r spot. Let's pick up where we left off.
Speaker 1: So what does your therapy have to do with him?
Speaker 1: You could be in therapy and still be with him.
Speaker 1: You got to look at the quality of the relationship.
Speaker 1: Is that the relationship you want to be in? Or
Speaker 1: are you settling? Because that's the one that showed up
Speaker 1: when you think about him. Can you see yourself three, five,
Speaker 1: ten years down the road with him.
Speaker 2: Not as things are right now? No? I can't.
Speaker 1: Well that's all you have. You only have right now.
Speaker 1: You don't have next year, you don't have next week.
Speaker 2: Right, I just mean in relationship to everything that's going
Speaker 2: on with him. I'm like, I don't know if I
Speaker 2: could do that for five more years or six more years.
Speaker 1: Listen to me, it's not a question of whether you
Speaker 1: can do it. Do you choose to do it. It's
Speaker 1: your choice, beloved, No, okay, So then why don't you
Speaker 1: complete the relationship? I removed myself from the equation. What
Speaker 1: the heck does that mean? Take yourself out the arena,
Speaker 1: out the neighborhood, off the planet as it relates to him. Right.
Speaker 2: I haven't talked to him since then. I just, you know,
Speaker 2: started my own little journey of you know, trying to
Speaker 2: work on self. And when I went to Therby, we
Speaker 2: touched on it briefly, and she saying, we're gonna do
Speaker 2: a lot that we need to unpack. So we're gonna
Speaker 2: work on that, and she talked about myself, me and
Speaker 2: myself a lot.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you have to complete the relationship for yourself, within yourself.
Speaker 1: You don't have to call him and say another thing
Speaker 1: to him. And if he calls you, you know, you
Speaker 1: can ask him how he is, how his mother is,
Speaker 1: and if he brings up the two of you old together,
Speaker 1: you just have to say, you know, I'm clear that
Speaker 1: us being together is not working for me. It's not
Speaker 1: it's not what I choose. Absolutely, maybe he was a
Speaker 1: reasonal season, he came in for a season for a
Speaker 1: particular reason. He got you the therapy, right, yay, yeah, yes, absolutely,
Speaker 1: But again, complete the relationship within yourself. What you say
Speaker 1: to him does not matter, does not matter.
Speaker 3: The complete it of myself.
Speaker 1: Yeah, have a little funeral, bury it, let it be gone.
Speaker 1: I don't mean go to the cemetery. I just mean
Speaker 1: in your mind, it sounds like you're testing him. You
Speaker 1: want to see how he's going to show up and
Speaker 1: how he's gonna respond. That's what it sounds like.
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna say that that's not true. But him
Speaker 2: I gonna.
Speaker 1: Respond, well, I don't know him at all.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, exactly what it is is exactly what you have,
Speaker 1: and you have to choose to complete it. Be done.
Speaker 1: Wash the dish, put it away, put the food away,
Speaker 1: close the refrigerator, clean off the stole, and go to bed.
Speaker 2: Right. Okay, well started, Okay, so I just gotta brad
Speaker 2: it on out and finish right.
Speaker 1: Okay, all right, So when I talk to you again,
Speaker 1: he's really gonna be an ex because right now he's
Speaker 1: a possibility.
Speaker 2: I guess, okay, I guess you're right. Yes, thank you
Speaker 2: so much. I appreciate you. Love you all right.
Speaker 1: My love, thank you, love your bye bye bye. Please
Speaker 1: know it is an important distinction to know if you're
Speaker 1: finished with things the way they are, or if you
Speaker 1: are complete with the relationship, because if you're finished, you're
Speaker 1: gonna keep sticking your forking the pot or the pan,
Speaker 1: stirring it up, trying to get what you want. That's
Speaker 1: that's finished. If you're complete, it's like I'm done, this
Speaker 1: is over. There's no possibility. I don't have any hidden agendas.
Speaker 1: I'm not testing, I'm not waiting, I'm not looking. I'm done.
Speaker 1: And if that has to be communicated, communicated clearly. You know,
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter how long you've been in a relationship
Speaker 1: or what else the other person is saying. And it
Speaker 1: sounds like my last guest, they weren't living together. That
Speaker 1: becomes a little more sticky when you and the person
Speaker 1: are cohabitating. But you've got to make it clean, you've
Speaker 1: got to make it clear, you've got to make it complete.
Speaker 1: Let me see what my next caller is up to Greetings,
Speaker 1: we love it, and welcome to the R Spot. We
Speaker 1: are talking today about your relationship with your ex. Do
Speaker 1: you have one? Do you have two? Several? Where are
Speaker 1: you with your ex right now?
Speaker 3: I have one X. It's basically the same X I've
Speaker 3: had for almost the past ten years. I'm twenty four
Speaker 3: and we met I know, yeah, it's my only serious
Speaker 3: boyfriend relationship. We met when I was sixteen, he was seventeen,
Speaker 3: and we met in the most random way ever, which
Speaker 3: always made me feel like we were meant to be together.
Speaker 3: We met through like an anonymous like chat basically I'm
Speaker 3: not sure if you're familiar home eagal, but that's how
Speaker 3: we met. So we had on and off obviously because
Speaker 3: we were sixteen, long distance got into a relationship. We
Speaker 3: broke up my first year of college, but then my
Speaker 3: senior year of college we got back together. And this
Speaker 3: is when the relationship became more serious because now we're
Speaker 3: adults quote unquote right, and I decided to go live
Speaker 3: with him the following year. My mom was so mad,
Speaker 3: but eventually just accepted it and I went to go
Speaker 3: live with him and his family. And that was a
Speaker 3: whole experience in itself. But we recently just broke up
Speaker 3: in October, and I knew that this breakup would be
Speaker 3: final because my mom would never let me go back
Speaker 3: and accept the relationship again. And two, I just think
Speaker 3: that so much trauma has happened.
Speaker 2: Throughout our whole relationship.
Speaker 3: That I feel like we don't have a good enough
Speaker 3: foundation to actually be in a relationship. Yet we can't
Speaker 3: let each other go. He is my best friend. I'm
Speaker 3: his best friend. We are talking to this day right now.
Speaker 3: We stopped talking for a little bit, and then two
Speaker 3: months ago I reached out because I just like to
Speaker 3: know what's going on in his life. I have no
Speaker 3: idea where that extreme desire comes from, and I like
Speaker 3: having him know about my life. And he's very supportive
Speaker 3: even when we weren't together in the past, he was
Speaker 3: the first person I called whenever something bad happened to me.
Speaker 3: I don't know, He's just a great friend and I'm
Speaker 3: not sure if I have to let him go just
Speaker 3: because we're not together. But it's so hard to have
Speaker 3: hard boundary lines when it comes to friendship and flirting
Speaker 3: because obviously there's still love there. But yeah, I don't
Speaker 3: know how to let go of my eggs, and I'm
Speaker 3: scared that I have to do it, and I'm scared
Speaker 3: if I don't do it, then it'll be something that
Speaker 3: I'll regret when i'm older, Like why didn't you let go?
Speaker 3: You know?
Speaker 1: Well, it sounds like the question that you're looking at
Speaker 1: is can you love him in a new way? You
Speaker 1: can stop being his partner's, spouse, lover, girlfriend, whatever you
Speaker 1: want to call it, and be his friend. That may
Speaker 1: take some time, but it's also going to take clear boundaries.
Speaker 1: You don't have to stop loving him, you don't and
Speaker 1: you don't have to throw him out of your life
Speaker 1: in your heart, but you do have to create a
Speaker 1: new normal. Okay, you do have to create a new normal.
Speaker 1: So when you say we can't let each other go,
Speaker 1: well that's a choice choice that you can make with
Speaker 1: new boundaries, new understandings. You have to the two of you.
Speaker 1: You have to agree. Okay, we can never be intimate again.
Speaker 1: That's just not going to happen. Now we can talk,
Speaker 1: we can share I love you, you love me, but
Speaker 1: that part of our relationship is complete. See, the only
Speaker 1: common denominator for you in this relationship is you. So
Speaker 1: you need to take time to understand what's driving your behavior,
Speaker 1: What needs do you have that you're telling yourself that
Speaker 1: he fulfills. What wants and desires do you have that
Speaker 1: he fulfills, And what is your want and desire for
Speaker 1: your relationship and can you have that with him? So
Speaker 1: by examining your past and really understanding where you are,
Speaker 1: why you broke up, why that relation relationship ended, then
Speaker 1: you have the tools that you need to build a
Speaker 1: new normal, to build a new kind of relationship, and
Speaker 1: you don't have to stop loving him, but you do
Speaker 1: have to be clear that he's no longer your lover.
Speaker 3: That's hard. I've I've definitely realized.
Speaker 1: That I didn't like that sound. So what is it
Speaker 1: that keeps dragging you back?
Speaker 3: I guess I love knowing how he's doing, and I
Speaker 3: love the comforting feeling I get when I share about
Speaker 3: my day or what's going on in my life. I
Speaker 3: think we have a really great bond in chemistry. He's
Speaker 3: still caring. There's so many qualities about him that I
Speaker 3: would want in a partner. But I understand why we
Speaker 3: can't work right now and why we can't be in
Speaker 3: a relationship. So that's like the conflicting part where there
Speaker 3: are things that are missing and there are things that
Speaker 3: I see, But then there's also the great qualities that
Speaker 3: I've always wanted in a partner that he fulfilled. But
Speaker 3: I understand that I'm a very special person to him,
Speaker 3: so he treats me very special, and I understand that
Speaker 3: one day, that day it will be different, it will
Speaker 3: be different. And that's the part where I've had to
Speaker 3: cope with where I'm like, Okay, I can understand we're
Speaker 3: not in a relationship, and I can release it in
Speaker 3: that sense, But am I ready to not be his
Speaker 3: special person anymore? Like no longer get some of the
Speaker 3: privileges right, And I think that's I'm not sure if
Speaker 3: I'm ready for that part. And maybe that's why I
Speaker 3: have my boundary so loose right now.
Speaker 1: And like I said, you are the common denominator. So
Speaker 1: is he your lover, partner, the love of your life?
Speaker 1: Or is he the candy store that you get to
Speaker 1: get special treats in? Is he your partner or is
Speaker 1: he a habit? Is he your first and only?
Speaker 3: He is my I would like to say he's my partner,
Speaker 3: and I would say that he's my first boyfriend, but
Speaker 3: not my first, like, not my only intimate partner I've had.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure that you've given enough space for the
Speaker 1: relationship to transfigure, not even transform. Transfigure means that you
Speaker 1: take what is and turn it into something else, and
Speaker 1: that's a process. So if you want to transfigure this
Speaker 1: relationship from being a love ship into being a friendship,
Speaker 1: you may have to put some time in space between
Speaker 1: it so that you can get accustomed to the new normal.
Speaker 1: And see, you said that you've been together since you
Speaker 1: were fourteen and he was seventeen or fifteen or some
Speaker 1: such thing. Sixteen, sevent Okay, So there's a fabric in
Speaker 1: the foundation that the two of you have woven together,
Speaker 1: and you may be standing on that foundation even though
Speaker 1: it's got holes and it cracks and it breaks in
Speaker 1: it because you haven't established another foundation for what it
Speaker 1: is you want in a relationship. And again, you don't
Speaker 1: have to stop loving him, you don't have to throw
Speaker 1: him out of your heart, but you've got to look
Speaker 1: at why you broke up and why you're not together
Speaker 1: as lovers partners in a relationship so that you can
Speaker 1: become friends. It sounds to me like he's the comfortable
Speaker 1: habit and not necessarily a good partner for you.
Speaker 3: Well, the breakup was, I guess my fault, so like
Speaker 3: I had to cope with that in a sense. Our
Speaker 3: first breakup was also when I was eighteen. That one
Speaker 3: was definitely my fault.
Speaker 1: This next one, what does that mean? Fault? What does
Speaker 1: that mean? My fault?
Speaker 3: I broke his heart?
Speaker 1: How do you do that?
Speaker 3: When we were eighteen, I went to college and I
Speaker 3: ended up becoming interested in somebody else, and then I
Speaker 3: broke up with him because of it, and that was
Speaker 3: really heartbreaking to him. But yet we still kind of
Speaker 3: remained in contact, which I know was not great on
Speaker 3: my part. So even when he's going through his heartbreak,
Speaker 3: like I'm still talking to him and sometimes sharing too
Speaker 3: much information on what I'm doing because I'm trying to
Speaker 3: be honest and whatever. But then that next year, I
Speaker 3: decided I didn't like the college thing and it just
Speaker 3: went left. I wanted to get back together. I went
Speaker 3: out there. I flew out to his state, and he
Speaker 3: was secretly actually still talking to somebody, and even when
Speaker 3: I left the next day, hooked up with that person.
Speaker 3: So he hurt me the following year and then we've
Speaker 3: talked about all of this already and then we were
Speaker 3: able to move past it by like twenty twenty two
Speaker 3: and you know, get back together and talk and talk
Speaker 3: about the past. And this recently, this most recent breakup.
Speaker 3: In October, I went out with my friends. I got
Speaker 3: a little bit too it. I didn't have any ill
Speaker 3: intention towards this, but there was an older gentleman who
Speaker 3: brought brought us some drinks. I did let him know
Speaker 3: I had I had a boyfriend, and later on he
Speaker 3: left us alone. And later I saw him in the
Speaker 3: in the club and I just wanted to ask him, like,
Speaker 3: who are you because it seemed like he was either
Speaker 3: a club owner or just had a lot of influence
Speaker 3: in the clubs. I just wanted to know, like who
Speaker 3: he was, And you know, he ended up asked when
Speaker 3: I put his number on my phone. I think I
Speaker 3: was just a little bit too nonchalant about it. I
Speaker 3: let it happen, but I did have an inappropriate conversation
Speaker 3: with him, and I was going to leap the number
Speaker 3: set my phone died. The problem is that he was
Speaker 3: able to wring his number through and he texted me
Speaker 3: at three in the morning that night, and my ex
Speaker 3: got so mad, literally grabbed all my stuff, like wanted
Speaker 3: to kick me out of his house or his family's house,
Speaker 3: and it was really crazy. We kind of worked past it,
Speaker 3: but at the end of the day, it seemed like
Speaker 3: that was a very big factor for why we broke up,
Speaker 3: because he lost trust in me and he just didn't
Speaker 3: trust that I wouldn't have someone's number in my phone
Speaker 3: and I didn't tell him because I knew he would
Speaker 3: react like that. But so it's been my fault. But
Speaker 3: I know my therapist just told me that it's more
Speaker 3: than just the number. So I'm trying to see past
Speaker 3: just my action of the number. But it took a
Speaker 3: long time to let go about shame and hurt. I
Speaker 3: guess about hurting breaking his heart. So I didn't want
Speaker 3: this breakup, but love it.
Speaker 1: I really, I really want to unlanguage you language that
Speaker 1: you're using. It's somewhat troublesome to me. Okay, my fault.
Speaker 1: You went out, had some drinks, made a poor choice
Speaker 1: or a bad decision, and he got upset about it.
Speaker 1: His upset is not your responsibility. We'll talk about that
Speaker 1: right after this break Welcome back to the R spot.
Speaker 1: Let's get back to the conversation. That's not your responsibility
Speaker 1: his upset. All you can do is tell the truth
Speaker 1: about what happened, ask for forgiveness for the poor choice
Speaker 1: of the bad decision. But you can't somebody. How old
Speaker 1: are you? Let me start there? Well, how old are you?
Speaker 1: I'm going for Okay, Yes, that's some young and craziness
Speaker 1: that I don't know nothing about your fault. You're in college,
Speaker 1: you meet somebody, you want to see them at twenty two,
Speaker 1: twenty years old, you seem to be taking on his
Speaker 1: emotional insecure curity at twenty You have a right to
Speaker 1: explore and investigate unless you have a commitment, unless you
Speaker 1: and him have an agreement. Do you and him have
Speaker 1: an agreement? I'm not going to see anybody else. It's
Speaker 1: we're going to be in a monogamous relationship.
Speaker 3: Yeah, we are monogamous.
Speaker 1: Okay. So when you were seeing the other person in college,
Speaker 1: he knew about that.
Speaker 3: It had been a boiling thing the more just like
Speaker 3: flirtatious friendship with this other person, and I noticed how
Speaker 3: I felt. I guess around, So I broke up or
Speaker 3: went on a break quote unquote right before a kiss
Speaker 3: actually happened with somebody else. And then later on, I
Speaker 3: had to just officially break it up. I did it weird.
Speaker 1: I know y'all have never broken up. Stop that, just
Speaker 1: stop that language. You have not broken up. That has
Speaker 1: not happened. And nor do you have clear boundaries? Yeah,
Speaker 1: clear boundaries in the relationship, clear boundaries about the relationship
Speaker 1: and what you've got to start looking at because you've
Speaker 1: said it's already happened. You hanging on to him, holding
Speaker 1: on to him. What are you going to do when
Speaker 1: he starts seeing somebody else.
Speaker 3: I'd like to think I'd be able to just toss
Speaker 3: it out.
Speaker 1: And that is not going to happen. You know, you
Speaker 1: were very young when you met, so it really sounds
Speaker 1: like an attachment or, like I said, a habit. You
Speaker 1: don't have an X. You've got a why? Why am
Speaker 1: I still in this? Why am I still holding on?
Speaker 1: Why am I still doing this? You don't have an X,
Speaker 1: you got a why? And that's the question you have
Speaker 1: to answer, Why am I still in this? Do you
Speaker 1: still want to be in relationship with him? Or do
Speaker 1: you not know how to not be in relation with
Speaker 1: ship with him? And that's probably where the work is.
Speaker 1: You've got to learn how not to be in relationship
Speaker 1: with him as a partner lover, you know, and then
Speaker 1: you can build a friendship with him because you got
Speaker 1: to get some clear boundaries here. You don't have any boundaries.
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Sure?
Speaker 3: Do you believe that you could turn an attachment into
Speaker 3: a healthy relationship? Like if it is an attachment relationship,
Speaker 3: do you have to let go or does each individual
Speaker 3: just have to do personal work to make it a
Speaker 3: healthy relationship?
Speaker 1: Well, well, let me ask you this. What are the
Speaker 1: three words you believe best described the current state of
Speaker 1: your relationship? What are the words that best describe it
Speaker 1: where you and he are right now? No?
Speaker 3: Trust, comfort, and love.
Speaker 1: I hate to tell you this, but if you ain't
Speaker 1: got no trust, it ain't love. It's attachment. You can't
Speaker 1: have love without trust because love keeps no record of
Speaker 1: wrong Love does not itemize wrongdoings. Love doesn't do that.
Speaker 1: Attachment does, habit does. And comfort I want to offer
Speaker 1: you comfort or bowl because you are comfortab boul with him,
Speaker 1: but not knowing what's going to happen, not being free,
Speaker 1: not being free, It's like you're enslaved. You're not free,
Speaker 1: and without freedom, there's always going to be an obligation
Speaker 1: or an attachment or an entanglement. You've got to be free,
Speaker 1: and it doesn't sound like you're free, And it doesn't
Speaker 1: sound like either one of you have left the relationship,
Speaker 1: and it sounds like you're just holding on to him
Speaker 1: in case you don't find nobody else, then you can
Speaker 1: go running back to him.
Speaker 3: Oh don't, I mean I would obviously I would like
Speaker 3: to think. That's not what I'm doing.
Speaker 1: Right, Well, I can't think it. I'm looking at the evidence.
Speaker 1: You can think it, and you take on the responsibility
Speaker 1: for his emotional upset. It's my fault. No, I made
Speaker 1: a poor choice, a bad decision, and it had a
Speaker 1: negative impact. And either he's going to forgive me for it,
Speaker 1: then we're going to move on or not. Now, I'm
Speaker 1: not going to stay somewhere with somebody who's going to
Speaker 1: beat me up for choices or decisions I made. And
Speaker 1: if there's no trust, what are we doing? You trust
Speaker 1: him enough to tell him all your business? He trusts
Speaker 1: you enough to listen?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Or you trust him he doesn't trust you.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I trust him. He doesn't trust me.
Speaker 1: So why do you want to be with a man
Speaker 1: who doesn't trust you? Why? What belief does that reinforce.
Speaker 1: Are you a middle child? Where are you in the
Speaker 1: birth order? I'm the oldest, oh, the oldest of how many?
Speaker 3: Technically three? One is abroad, but technically three, I guess.
Speaker 1: Okay, if you could have done anything differently in this relationship,
Speaker 1: what would it have been?
Speaker 2: Hmm.
Speaker 3: That's a difficult question because I am immediately just thinking
Speaker 3: about ways in which I fractured it, I guess.
Speaker 1: But then that makes him your victim, and you don't
Speaker 1: want to be in a relationship with a victim who
Speaker 1: doesn't trust you, because they'll beat you up forever. They'll
Speaker 1: beat you up forever.
Speaker 3: I don't understand it because he can't let go of it.
Speaker 3: But yet I'm still someone who's close to his type,
Speaker 3: or someone he clearly cares for and talks about relationship
Speaker 3: with like. I don't know, I mean, obviously, I guess.
Speaker 3: It's one of those things where I can love I
Speaker 3: can love you to not trust you, I guess. But
Speaker 3: it's kind of confusing because if you still see me
Speaker 3: as a great person and as a great partner, then
Speaker 3: I don't know why you couldn't let go of my mistake. Basically,
Speaker 3: but at the end of the day, it is what
Speaker 3: it is.
Speaker 1: Why was it a mistake? Your grown ass woman? You
Speaker 1: took somebody's phone number, And if he doesn't trust you
Speaker 1: enough to know I wasn't inappropriate with this person, then
Speaker 1: then you're disrespecting me, You're dishonoring me. Now, I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna live with that. Why was it a mistake for
Speaker 1: you to do something in your life that, whether you
Speaker 1: were lit or not, in the moment, felt appropriate. See,
Speaker 1: he reminds you of somebody I don't know if it's
Speaker 1: mommy or daddy, where you can never do it right.
Speaker 1: No matter what you do, it ain't right. I don't
Speaker 1: know who that is. Who is that?
Speaker 3: Probably my mom?
Speaker 1: Okay, so you're marrying your mom?
Speaker 3: Yeah, Mary, my mom.
Speaker 1: You all are not complete. You're not complete. He's not
Speaker 1: an ex at all, and you're you're really you haven't
Speaker 1: gotten a lesson, you haven't seen the beauty in it.
Speaker 1: And you know if you're still holding in your mind.
Speaker 1: He treats me special, and that's okay, even if he
Speaker 1: doesn't trust me. He uh, you know, I'm comfortable with
Speaker 1: him even though he doesn't trust me, and he makes
Speaker 1: me wrong for what I do in my life. I'm
Speaker 1: Okay with that. This is not over. So there's still
Speaker 1: more for you to learn here, more for you to
Speaker 1: grow here, more for you to heal here, and whether
Speaker 1: or not you all will be together. He said, you
Speaker 1: can't let go. You haven't made that choice.
Speaker 3: Wow.
Speaker 1: And if you want to transfigure this, if you want
Speaker 1: to turn this into something else, the first thing that
Speaker 1: you need is space distance and time distance and time.
Speaker 3: M I hear you.
Speaker 1: That makes sense, you know, And you know men play
Speaker 1: like they're tough and hard and rough and ready, but
Speaker 1: their hearts and their souls are really fragile, and it's
Speaker 1: really their ego like who who and she had that's
Speaker 1: better than me. He's going to keep remembering that.
Speaker 3: Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: So unfortunately you're not complete. I don't know what you
Speaker 1: need to learn. Mm hm.
Speaker 3: I need to learn it fast though.
Speaker 1: Well you can learn it today. Yeah, by letting him
Speaker 1: know I love you. You have a special place in
Speaker 1: my heart. You always have a special place in my heart.
Speaker 1: And I'm not going to talk to you for the
Speaker 1: next three hundred and sixty five days until I can
Speaker 1: heal that place. You could do that today, yeah, And
Speaker 1: then the pain, the sadness that whatever comes up as
Speaker 1: a result of letting him go. That's where you look,
Speaker 1: that's where your healing is, that's where your work is.
Speaker 1: But you keep avoiding that by running back and forth
Speaker 1: to him, calling him, being comforted, getting your special treats
Speaker 1: and creature comforts. Yes, let me just say this. I
Speaker 1: think I've been here. Let me just think for a moment. YEP.
Speaker 1: I spent forty years in a relationship with a man.
Speaker 1: Forty how do you twenty four?
Speaker 2: Ah?
Speaker 1: Huh? Can you hear me?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Forty years in a relationship, in and out of a
Speaker 1: relation relationship well, with a boyfriend. Then he got married.
Speaker 1: I got married, and we got back together and back
Speaker 1: in forty fricking years until a dawned on me. I
Speaker 1: love you, but we are not good together. We're just
Speaker 1: not good together. And I don't have to stop loving you,
Speaker 1: but I'm choosing not to be with you. That did
Speaker 1: it for me, and we are still friends to this
Speaker 1: very day. I happen to be one of those weird
Speaker 1: people that I'm friends with all my exes, those who
Speaker 1: are still living, and I talked to the ones that
Speaker 1: ain't living. But I love you, but we are not
Speaker 1: good for each other. We're not good together. I don't
Speaker 1: have to stop loving you, but I refuse to be
Speaker 1: in that kind of relationship with you. And it took
Speaker 1: me almost three years with no contact, no communication, no anything.
Speaker 1: Do you like chocolate? Do you like pie cake, cookies, candy?
Speaker 1: What do you like?
Speaker 3: I have a big sweet too. I like it all
Speaker 3: ice cream?
Speaker 1: Really? Okay? Do you eat it every single day?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: Why?
Speaker 3: Because when I also gain weight fast. So when I
Speaker 3: eat my favorite sweeps too often, I notice the way games.
Speaker 1: Yeah it's not good for you. Yeah, it's just that simple.
Speaker 1: It's not good for you. Don't mean you have to
Speaker 1: stop loving it, but it's not good for you. So
Speaker 1: you've got to get clear about how it's not good,
Speaker 1: why it's not good, and what could possibly happen to
Speaker 1: your butt if you continue to engage in eating it.
Speaker 1: And it's the same thing with him. What's going to
Speaker 1: happen into your heart if you continue to engage in
Speaker 1: this with him? But you know what, I'm talking to you,
Speaker 1: But I'm talking to the thirty year old you because
Speaker 1: the twenty four year year old you you can't hear this.
Speaker 1: I know you can't. You're gonna get off the phone.
Speaker 1: With me and call him and tell him what I said.
Speaker 3: I hear you, I hear you. I really do want to.
Speaker 3: I really do want to. I really do want to
Speaker 3: listen and do better. I just like you said, it
Speaker 3: could happen today. I'm not sure if it happened today,
Speaker 3: maybe by the weekend and I can send that text
Speaker 3: message for sure.
Speaker 1: Take it to your therapist, yes, that that why, or
Speaker 1: to support you and understanding what is the benefit of
Speaker 1: you continuing to stay and involved with him this way?
Speaker 1: Is it a habit? Is it an attachment? Is their fear?
Speaker 1: That's what you need to work through once you do that,
Speaker 1: and why are you languaging it? As it's my fault?
Speaker 1: Twenty years old? You can do what you want to do.
Speaker 1: That's your time to explore an experiment. Who you were
Speaker 1: at fourteen is not who you were at eighteen or
Speaker 1: twenty certainly not who you are as twenty four. So
Speaker 1: is it you at twenty four that loves him or
Speaker 1: is it the fourteen year old inside of you that's
Speaker 1: still attached to him because he was the first kiss,
Speaker 1: in the first this and he made you feel good
Speaker 1: and he made you feel special. But is that you
Speaker 1: today are you current with who you are now or
Speaker 1: are you allowing the fourteen year old self to still
Speaker 1: remain attached to him? But see those are therapy questions.
Speaker 1: That's not talking to a yamla on the radio. Question right,
Speaker 1: here's a question. Do you want to pay the full
Speaker 1: price now? Of cutting it? Getting clear? Moving on? Do
Speaker 1: you want to pay the full price now? Or do
Speaker 1: you want to pay little by little with great interest?
Speaker 1: You know, when you pay your credit card, when you
Speaker 1: only pay the minimum amount, half of that goes towards interest,
Speaker 1: where you could bite the bullet and pay the card
Speaker 1: off and be done with it. But if you pay
Speaker 1: little by little, you're paying interest. So three years from now,
Speaker 1: four years from now, you know, but you you still want,
Speaker 1: you'll still be in it. You'll still be paying interest.
Speaker 1: That's think about it that way. If you're not willing
Speaker 1: to pay the price now, you'll just keep talking to
Speaker 1: him and keep living your life and breaking your heart
Speaker 1: and he won't trust you, and then you're guilty, and
Speaker 1: then you'll spend you know, six nine months time to
Speaker 1: make him trust you again. And I mean it's just
Speaker 1: it's a vicious cycle. Yeah, pay it now in full
Speaker 1: and shut it down or just keep paying in little
Speaker 1: increments see what happens. That's the choice.
Speaker 3: No, I hear you, I take it. I will take
Speaker 3: that advice, miss Las.
Speaker 1: Thank you, bless your little twenty four year old heart.
Speaker 1: That is so sweet to be twenty four years old.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, bye bye bye bye darling. Oh how
Speaker 1: sweet it is to be young to be twenty four.
Speaker 1: But I want you just to point out some things
Speaker 1: here that because she's twenty four, but I'm sure they
Speaker 1: are forty and fifty year olds doing the same thing
Speaker 1: instead of cutting it or paying the full card off
Speaker 1: and putting in it down, cutting it up, paying little
Speaker 1: by little by little, just to see what's gonna happen.
Speaker 1: You know, you get a little, you get, you pay
Speaker 1: one hundred dollars, you go out and you spend seventy
Speaker 1: five and then you're paying eighty in interest. Okay, don't
Speaker 1: assume this thing is dead. If you continue to feed it,
Speaker 1: either it's dead or it's not. And again, you know,
Speaker 1: one of the things that I learned in my forty
Speaker 1: year relationship. We met I was fourteen, he was seventeen,
Speaker 1: and he was very supportive to me. I always say
Speaker 1: he was the first man to ever hold my hand.
Speaker 1: My father, my brother, my uncle, no man in my
Speaker 1: life had ever held my hand. And I was in
Speaker 1: a difficulty at fourteen, and he held my hand and
Speaker 1: walked me through it. I had never had that experience,
Speaker 1: and so I made up that he was somebody he wasn't.
Speaker 1: And then, of course, you know, you become lovers or friends.
Speaker 1: He went off and married somebody else. Eventually I had
Speaker 1: a child and married somebody else, and then he was
Speaker 1: in difficulty. He came back to me, so I got
Speaker 1: to hold his hand and walk him through it. And
Speaker 1: then we broke up. And then I was in a
Speaker 1: difficulty and he came. I mean, it's a cycle. You
Speaker 1: got to look at it. But until I made that awareness,
Speaker 1: I love you. You hold a place in my heart.
Speaker 1: But we are not good together. And I'm no longer
Speaker 1: to make these tiny little payments of nine months, two years,
Speaker 1: three years, you know, to see if my interests rate
Speaker 1: is gonna go down. No longer willing to do that.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna pay this off, cut the card up, and
Speaker 1: move on, move on. My point is what brought you
Speaker 1: together may not be enough to keep you together. But
Speaker 1: you've got to be current in who you are now,
Speaker 1: to have that understanding, that awareness, to have that recognition.
Speaker 1: Are you loving this person? Are you with this person
Speaker 1: because of who you are now? Or are you with
Speaker 1: them because of what they provided for you, the need
Speaker 1: they fulfilled when you met them. I hope that you
Speaker 1: know something now that you didn't know. When you're tuned in,
Speaker 1: and until we meet again, stay in peace and not pieces.
Speaker 1: I'll see you next time. Bye. The R Spot is
Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For
Speaker 1: more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite show.