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Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship,

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Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.

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Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to

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Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the

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Speaker 1: r Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.

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Speaker 1: Greetings and welcome to the our Spot. This is the

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Speaker 1: place where we examine, explore, dissect, and investigate issues and

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Speaker 1: problems related to relationships, all kinds of relationships. It is

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Speaker 1: my intention that we all learn and develop the skills

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Speaker 1: and tools required to make our relationships better. Because relationshipships

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Speaker 1: are such an essential part of our lives, they are

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Speaker 1: the places we go to grow in our experience of love.

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Speaker 1: I am Young le van Za, your host, your facilitator,

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Speaker 1: and your co pilot for a journey into relationships. So

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Speaker 1: here's a little something for us to nibble on today.

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Speaker 1: Because no matter who you are, chances are you have

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Speaker 1: one an X your past, previous, former partner, lover, spouse

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Speaker 1: from a relationship that is now defunct by God prior.

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Speaker 1: That means you either have a husband or a wife

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Speaker 1: ben and it doesn't matter what you call him or

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Speaker 1: her or how you dress it up. Most of us

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Speaker 1: have as least one, some of us have a whole

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Speaker 1: team of them, a person who had potential. Maybe or

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Speaker 1: perhaps you thought they were the one, You wanted them

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Speaker 1: to be the one. You knew they weren't the one,

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Speaker 1: but you stayed and tried to make it work. The

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Speaker 1: ex who calls you sometime, and when they do, you

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Speaker 1: wonder why why are you calling me? Or they never

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Speaker 1: call and you wonder why why don't they ever call me?

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Speaker 1: I mean, after all that we were together, don't they

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Speaker 1: think about me? Or when they do call, you hate

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Speaker 1: it or you love it, or you may use it

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Speaker 1: as just another opportunity to stick it to them or

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Speaker 1: have them stick it to you. An X whether the

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Speaker 1: relationship ended well, if that's possible, or badly. If you

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Speaker 1: have an ex, chances are you have some baggage, some hurt,

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Speaker 1: some upset, some believe, some perceptions that you may still

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Speaker 1: be dragging around because you see, if you didn't complete

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Speaker 1: the relationship consciously and cleanly, your ex may still be

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Speaker 1: occupying space in your heart and in your life, or worse,

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Speaker 1: they may be wreaking havoc in your mind, your heart,

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Speaker 1: and in your new relationship. It's not uncommon that many

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Speaker 1: of us cannot move forward in our relationships because we

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Speaker 1: have some unfinished business with our ex. So on today's

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Speaker 1: our spot, we are going to be talking about our

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Speaker 1: relationship with our exes. Is it a healthy relationship? Is

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Speaker 1: it an awful relationship? But more importantly, is the relationship

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Speaker 1: we had blocking us from experiencing joy, peace love? Now?

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Speaker 1: You see, the person may still be alive, but the

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Speaker 1: relationship is over. It's dead, departed, defunct. The issue is

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Speaker 1: is it in its final resting place? And are you

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Speaker 1: resting in peace with it? Maybe? Maybe not, who knows,

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Speaker 1: we'll see. Here's my first guest, Greetings, we love it

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Speaker 1: and welcome to the R Spot. We are talking today

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Speaker 1: about your relationship with your ex. Do you have on

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Speaker 1: and what does that relationship look like? How is it

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Speaker 1: affecting you today?

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Speaker 2: Hey aun Tich, how are you?

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Speaker 1: I am well and how are you and your ex?

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Speaker 2: Me and my ex? First, let me start by saying,

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Speaker 2: I am just in talking to you. I have been

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Speaker 2: reading your books. You have been a lifelong staple with me,

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Speaker 2: but I'm still a little rocky. My ship is still

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Speaker 2: a little rocky in relationships, but I was in a

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Speaker 2: relationship with a man who was sixteen years older than me.

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Speaker 2: Everything started out really really well. We were dating, having

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Speaker 2: a good time, laughing, talking, We could talk about anything.

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Speaker 2: Personal issues started slipping in about six months in. I

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Speaker 2: think he had a need to end up going to jail,

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Speaker 2: and he was like, I don't want to be bothered

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Speaker 2: with any portion of that. I raised them, and you know,

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Speaker 2: the young lady didn't like him. She threatened him all

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Speaker 2: kinds of stuff. And then he's dealing with a mother

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Speaker 2: who's now ninety six. At the time, she was ninety five,

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Speaker 2: and her wanted him to go back and forth of

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Speaker 2: the court and all that kind of stuff. So whenever

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Speaker 2: he was doing that, all of that kind of spilled

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Speaker 2: over into our relationship. And I mentioned that to him

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Speaker 2: in an attempt to try to, you know, figure this out,

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Speaker 2: kind of balance it. But that didn't work. And then

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Speaker 2: you know, his mother had a birthday and her health

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Speaker 2: decline even more so now he's home from like October

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Speaker 2: to February, and just dealing with him was just crazy.

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Speaker 2: And I just didn't realize how much of his stuff

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Speaker 2: that was just on me. It was every day I

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Speaker 2: talked to him was woe was me was me? Then

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Speaker 2: we would have little arguments in him saying, you know

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Speaker 2: that I'm selfish, I'm not being sympathetic to him, and

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Speaker 2: this and a that, and all the time I'm trying

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Speaker 2: to support you, the encouragement to you, and pushing my

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Speaker 2: own stuff to the side. So a part of me

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Speaker 2: one day said to him, you know, maybe we should

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Speaker 2: just be friends, and he's like, I don't want to

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Speaker 2: just be your friend. You know, I'm sorry about what's

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Speaker 2: going on. It's really meroke and I'm confused. I don't

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Speaker 2: know what to do. I don't have any help with

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Speaker 2: my mom. It's just me. So we went on a

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Speaker 2: little bit after that, and then our last visit, you know,

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Speaker 2: cause something had already been stirring in me in like June,

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Speaker 2: to get your pieces together, and it seemed like everywhere

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Speaker 2: I turned it was something that was speaking to me

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Speaker 2: that I needed to do as far as just dealing

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Speaker 2: with some things from my past as well as relationships.

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Speaker 2: So our last visit, you know, he just said some

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Speaker 2: things to me that just hit home for me, and

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Speaker 2: it just kind of pushed me into going to sign

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Speaker 2: up for some therapy and just really started looking at

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Speaker 2: who I am. And I've been reading your book. One

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Speaker 2: day my soul just opened up. And I do have

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Speaker 2: a page in my book where one day you asked

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Speaker 2: about who are you? Not what you do, but who

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Speaker 2: are you? And my page is blank on that, and

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Speaker 2: that's something I want to work on. So I didn't

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Speaker 2: talk to him for two days and then I finally

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Speaker 2: got up to her to say that I'm gonna move

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Speaker 2: myself from this equation so you don't have to figure

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Speaker 2: out how to fit me in. But I've been feeling

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Speaker 2: so sad about it because I miss some I don't

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Speaker 2: miss the you know, the camaraderie. I've been feeling guilty

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Speaker 2: because you know when to me, when people are in

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Speaker 2: the lowest part of their life, you know they need

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Speaker 2: somebody there. Did I leave too soon? But at the

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Speaker 2: same time, I'm feeling relieved because for the last ten

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Speaker 2: days I have got the best rest I've had in

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Speaker 2: a very long time. So I don't know, I'm just

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Speaker 2: kind of conflicting in My emotions are just everywhere, all

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Speaker 2: over the place.

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Speaker 1: Well, okay, so this is a brand new AX. It's

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Speaker 1: a brand new.

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Speaker 2: AX, right, Yeah, I hadn't dated anybody in a long

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Speaker 2: long time because I was a mess with dating.

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Speaker 1: Mm hm, how did this then? It ended on the telephone?

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Speaker 1: Is that accurate? Or did it end in person?

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Speaker 2: It ended? I believe it ended the night before. I

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Speaker 2: just didn't say anything. I waited a couple of days,

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Speaker 2: and then I ended it on the phone because I

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Speaker 2: had to take in what he had said to me,

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Speaker 2: because there was some things that were already resonating with me.

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Speaker 1: What did he say? Tell me what he said?

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Speaker 2: So he always said that you know, it wasn't me,

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Speaker 2: it was him, you know, dealing with his mom, him

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Speaker 2: not having anybody, And he was like, you have no

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Speaker 2: empathy for me. It's like if it's not your way,

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Speaker 2: you know, you're pouting or you get quiet, you don't

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Speaker 2: say anything, and you know it's not all about you

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Speaker 2: all the time. You know, you always asking me about

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Speaker 2: my mom and what's going on with me, but you

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Speaker 2: never say anything about what's going on with you. But

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Speaker 2: I never had a chance to talk about anything that

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Speaker 2: was going on with me because every time I talked

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Speaker 2: to him, it was about what was him, what's going

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Speaker 2: on with him? I'm feeling this, I'm feeling that way,

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Speaker 2: and I don't feel good. I'm this, I'm bad. So

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Speaker 2: a lot of my stuff I just didn't even talk about.

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Speaker 2: And one day I did just kind of blow up

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Speaker 2: and I just told him about that, and he was like,

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Speaker 2: I don't like that you're crying or I make you

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Speaker 2: feel bad. But that's pretty much, you know a lot

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Speaker 2: of what he said. And it resonated with me a

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Speaker 2: little bit about, you know, am I being selfish? You know,

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Speaker 2: by saying, you know, I want to see you, but

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Speaker 2: I do understand that you're dealing with your mom. I

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Speaker 2: would never say don't deal with your mom. So I

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Speaker 2: did introduce the idea, maybe you know, I could come

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Speaker 2: your way sometime. We could do things in the area

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Speaker 2: close to your home, so if you need to go

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Speaker 2: home and check on her, you can. Well.

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Speaker 1: Let me ask you a question. Is this relationship over?

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Speaker 1: Is the relationship over?

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Speaker 2: I removed myself from the equation.

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Speaker 1: Here's the question. Here's the question. Here's the question. Because

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Speaker 1: the relationship is the relationship over in your mind, in

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Speaker 1: your heart? Is it over?

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Speaker 2: I don't believe so.

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Speaker 1: Okay, So then you don't have an X. What you

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Speaker 1: have is a partner that you're dissatisfied with. Okay, So

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Speaker 1: there's an opportunity that you will reboot this relationship. Is

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Speaker 1: that accurate?

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Speaker 2: I don't know. I'm on the fence. I don't know.

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Speaker 2: I really don't know, because by me saying moving myself

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Speaker 2: from the equation, I never said.

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Speaker 3: Is this over?

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Speaker 1: Okay, what did you say to him? You're removing yourself

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Speaker 1: from the equation? What does that mean?

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Speaker 2: Just taking myself out of the picture of you know,

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Speaker 2: him having to deal with his mom and his other

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Speaker 2: personal issues and his health issues. So let me remove myself.

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Speaker 2: That gives you time to do what you need to

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Speaker 2: do with your mom and whatever going on with you,

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Speaker 2: And that gives me time to do what I need

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Speaker 2: to do with me, and then you don't have to

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Speaker 2: figure about how you make time to come and see

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Speaker 2: me and have relationship at the same time. So I

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Speaker 2: just said I'll remove myself.

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Speaker 1: So if you're not in the equation, why isn't the

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Speaker 1: relationship over?

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Speaker 2: Well, I guess it is. We just never said it's over.

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Speaker 2: He just said, Okay, I understand, And you know he's like,

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Speaker 2: he understand.

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Speaker 1: What what does he understand? Because you you don't understand, So.

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Speaker 2: Understand my choice of removing myself from the whole situation.

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Speaker 1: The relationship is not over because you haven't. You haven't

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Speaker 1: closed it out, you haven't completed it. You may be

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Speaker 1: finished with the way it is now, but you're not

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Speaker 1: complete with him. Do you understand what I'm saying? I

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Speaker 1: think so, you see, there's a distinction between being finished

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Speaker 1: and being complete, and meant very often we get finished,

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Speaker 1: but we don't complete. You know, you finish your dinner,

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Speaker 1: but if you put the plate in the sink and

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Speaker 1: don't wash it, there's still evidence that you had dinner.

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Speaker 1: And at any point you may go get that plate,

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Speaker 1: wipe it off with a little paper towel, and put

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Speaker 1: some more food on it. But when you are complete,

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Speaker 1: you wash the dish, you put the food away, you

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Speaker 1: clean off the stove, you turn out the lights, and

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Speaker 1: you go on to do something else. What you've done

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Speaker 1: is just put the plate in the sink, and at

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Speaker 1: any given moment you can go back and pick it up.

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Speaker 1: That makes sense, But the issue because you can't move on.

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Speaker 1: You can't move on, and if you find out today

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Speaker 1: or tomorrow that he's seeing somebody else, you will have

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Speaker 1: a hissy fit and your hair be on fire because

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Speaker 1: you're not complete. Yeah, yeah, So what you might want

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Speaker 1: to do and instead of thinking of him as your

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Speaker 1: ex is you might want to do a kind of

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Speaker 1: autopsy just to see what's going on in the relationship,

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Speaker 1: to see if this is the relationship you want, if

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Speaker 1: this is the person you want to be with, and

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Speaker 1: if it's not, then you can complete it. Otherwise, you

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Speaker 1: and any moment you can go put some more mashed

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Speaker 1: potatoes on the plate, right and be wondering why you

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Speaker 1: got potatoes instead of rice.

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Speaker 2: Right. So by completing it, which means I would have

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Speaker 2: to make another phone call and say that it's over, well.

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Speaker 1: You don't have to, but you have to complete it

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Speaker 1: within yourself for yourself. I am complete with this relationship.

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Speaker 1: I am moving on to look at myself. Here's the thing, beloved.

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Speaker 1: Let's start here or let's go here.

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Speaker 2: Okay.

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Speaker 1: People come into your life for a reason, a reason,

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Speaker 1: or a lifetime.

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Speaker 2: Yes, I believe that.

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Speaker 1: Once you figure out what this person's purpose was in

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Speaker 1: your life, then you know how to complete Did he

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Speaker 1: come into your life for a specific reason to show

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Speaker 1: you something, to teach you, something, to give you something,

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Speaker 1: to give you an experience of something. Did he come

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Speaker 1: into your life for a season, meaning just a little

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Speaker 1: while to bring you joy or laughter or excitement or

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Speaker 1: good sex or no sex or whatever. He may have

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Speaker 1: come in for a reason for a season. Maybe the

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Speaker 1: things he said were things that you really do need

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Speaker 1: to investigate. Maybe you need to go back and fill

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Speaker 1: out that who are my page and get clear and

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Speaker 1: once you understand who you are, are you the person

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Speaker 1: to be with this particular individual. Yes, See, the mistake

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Speaker 1: that you're making his psycho social history really is not

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Speaker 1: your business. The fact that he got issues and mama

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Speaker 1: sick or old or whatever, that's not the issue. The

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Speaker 1: issue is how are you with him? Can you be

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Speaker 1: with him? Is he the one that you want to

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Speaker 1: be with? But you cannot answer that until you answer

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Speaker 1: how are you with you?

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Speaker 2: Absolutely well, I had that same I had that same

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Speaker 2: thought because you know, I could I say some things

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Speaker 2: have been stern in me that I've been just been

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Speaker 2: pulling on me for a long time that I need

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Speaker 2: to address. And I kept saying, Okay, let me find

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Speaker 2: some therapy so I can get somewhere and talk to

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Speaker 2: somebody about it. And that night, that Friday night, when

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Speaker 2: he was talking about that. Later on a couple days later,

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Speaker 2: I thought about that. I said, you know, maybe you

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Speaker 2: know he brought me that little joy in the first part,

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Speaker 2: but this second half is for me to the extra push,

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Speaker 2: just to go ahead and go and see about yourself.

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Speaker 2: So that's when I started doing your book. One day,

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Speaker 2: my soul just opened up. And I've been doing my

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Speaker 2: journaling and all of that, and I did book a

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Speaker 2: therapy point. I had one appointment, and you know, she

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Speaker 2: gave me a list of some things to do that

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Speaker 2: we're gonna dive into. And she added some things to

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Speaker 2: the list as well.

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Speaker 1: We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back

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Speaker 1: to the r spot. Let's pick up where we left off.

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Speaker 1: So what does your therapy have to do with him?

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Speaker 1: You could be in therapy and still be with him.

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Speaker 1: You got to look at the quality of the relationship.

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Speaker 1: Is that the relationship you want to be in? Or

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Speaker 1: are you settling? Because that's the one that showed up

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Speaker 1: when you think about him. Can you see yourself three, five,

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Speaker 1: ten years down the road with him.

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Speaker 2: Not as things are right now? No? I can't.

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Speaker 1: Well that's all you have. You only have right now.

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Speaker 1: You don't have next year, you don't have next week.

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Speaker 2: Right, I just mean in relationship to everything that's going

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Speaker 2: on with him. I'm like, I don't know if I

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Speaker 2: could do that for five more years or six more years.

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Speaker 1: Listen to me, it's not a question of whether you

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Speaker 1: can do it. Do you choose to do it. It's

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Speaker 1: your choice, beloved, No, okay, So then why don't you

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Speaker 1: complete the relationship? I removed myself from the equation. What

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Speaker 1: the heck does that mean? Take yourself out the arena,

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Speaker 1: out the neighborhood, off the planet as it relates to him. Right.

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Speaker 2: I haven't talked to him since then. I just, you know,

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Speaker 2: started my own little journey of you know, trying to

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Speaker 2: work on self. And when I went to Therby, we

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Speaker 2: touched on it briefly, and she saying, we're gonna do

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Speaker 2: a lot that we need to unpack. So we're gonna

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Speaker 2: work on that, and she talked about myself, me and

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Speaker 2: myself a lot.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you have to complete the relationship for yourself, within yourself.

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Speaker 1: You don't have to call him and say another thing

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Speaker 1: to him. And if he calls you, you know, you

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Speaker 1: can ask him how he is, how his mother is,

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Speaker 1: and if he brings up the two of you old together,

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Speaker 1: you just have to say, you know, I'm clear that

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Speaker 1: us being together is not working for me. It's not

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Speaker 1: it's not what I choose. Absolutely, maybe he was a

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Speaker 1: reasonal season, he came in for a season for a

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Speaker 1: particular reason. He got you the therapy, right, yay, yeah, yes, absolutely,

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Speaker 1: But again, complete the relationship within yourself. What you say

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Speaker 1: to him does not matter, does not matter.

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Speaker 3: The complete it of myself.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, have a little funeral, bury it, let it be gone.

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Speaker 1: I don't mean go to the cemetery. I just mean

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Speaker 1: in your mind, it sounds like you're testing him. You

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Speaker 1: want to see how he's going to show up and

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Speaker 1: how he's gonna respond. That's what it sounds like.

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Speaker 2: I'm not gonna say that that's not true. But him

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Speaker 2: I gonna.

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Speaker 1: Respond, well, I don't know him at all.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely, exactly what it is is exactly what you have,

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Speaker 1: and you have to choose to complete it. Be done.

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Speaker 1: Wash the dish, put it away, put the food away,

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Speaker 1: close the refrigerator, clean off the stole, and go to bed.

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Speaker 2: Right. Okay, well started, Okay, so I just gotta brad

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Speaker 2: it on out and finish right.

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Speaker 1: Okay, all right, So when I talk to you again,

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Speaker 1: he's really gonna be an ex because right now he's

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Speaker 1: a possibility.

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Speaker 2: I guess, okay, I guess you're right. Yes, thank you

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Speaker 2: so much. I appreciate you. Love you all right.

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Speaker 1: My love, thank you, love your bye bye bye. Please

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Speaker 1: know it is an important distinction to know if you're

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Speaker 1: finished with things the way they are, or if you

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Speaker 1: are complete with the relationship, because if you're finished, you're

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Speaker 1: gonna keep sticking your forking the pot or the pan,

349
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Speaker 1: stirring it up, trying to get what you want. That's

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Speaker 1: that's finished. If you're complete, it's like I'm done, this

351
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Speaker 1: is over. There's no possibility. I don't have any hidden agendas.

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Speaker 1: I'm not testing, I'm not waiting, I'm not looking. I'm done.

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Speaker 1: And if that has to be communicated, communicated clearly. You know,

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Speaker 1: it doesn't matter how long you've been in a relationship

355
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Speaker 1: or what else the other person is saying. And it

356
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:25,040
Speaker 1: sounds like my last guest, they weren't living together. That

357
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:28,320
Speaker 1: becomes a little more sticky when you and the person

358
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Speaker 1: are cohabitating. But you've got to make it clean, you've

359
00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:37,080
Speaker 1: got to make it clear, you've got to make it complete.

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Speaker 1: Let me see what my next caller is up to Greetings,

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Speaker 1: we love it, and welcome to the R Spot. We

362
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Speaker 1: are talking today about your relationship with your ex. Do

363
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:54,239
Speaker 1: you have one? Do you have two? Several? Where are

364
00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:55,879
Speaker 1: you with your ex right now?

365
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Speaker 3: I have one X. It's basically the same X I've

366
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Speaker 3: had for almost the past ten years. I'm twenty four

367
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Speaker 3: and we met I know, yeah, it's my only serious

368
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Speaker 3: boyfriend relationship. We met when I was sixteen, he was seventeen,

369
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Speaker 3: and we met in the most random way ever, which

370
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Speaker 3: always made me feel like we were meant to be together.

371
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Speaker 3: We met through like an anonymous like chat basically I'm

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Speaker 3: not sure if you're familiar home eagal, but that's how

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Speaker 3: we met. So we had on and off obviously because

374
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Speaker 3: we were sixteen, long distance got into a relationship. We

375
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Speaker 3: broke up my first year of college, but then my

376
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:39,080
Speaker 3: senior year of college we got back together. And this

377
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Speaker 3: is when the relationship became more serious because now we're

378
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Speaker 3: adults quote unquote right, and I decided to go live

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Speaker 3: with him the following year. My mom was so mad,

380
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Speaker 3: but eventually just accepted it and I went to go

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Speaker 3: live with him and his family. And that was a

382
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Speaker 3: whole experience in itself. But we recently just broke up

383
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:02,879
Speaker 3: in October, and I knew that this breakup would be

384
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Speaker 3: final because my mom would never let me go back

385
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:08,960
Speaker 3: and accept the relationship again. And two, I just think

386
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:11,359
Speaker 3: that so much trauma has happened.

387
00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:12,840
Speaker 2: Throughout our whole relationship.

388
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Speaker 3: That I feel like we don't have a good enough

389
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:17,800
Speaker 3: foundation to actually be in a relationship. Yet we can't

390
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:20,800
Speaker 3: let each other go. He is my best friend. I'm

391
00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:23,760
Speaker 3: his best friend. We are talking to this day right now.

392
00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:27,400
Speaker 3: We stopped talking for a little bit, and then two

393
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Speaker 3: months ago I reached out because I just like to

394
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:31,919
Speaker 3: know what's going on in his life. I have no

395
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:34,840
Speaker 3: idea where that extreme desire comes from, and I like

396
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:38,240
Speaker 3: having him know about my life. And he's very supportive

397
00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:41,399
Speaker 3: even when we weren't together in the past, he was

398
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Speaker 3: the first person I called whenever something bad happened to me.

399
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Speaker 3: I don't know, He's just a great friend and I'm

400
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:51,560
Speaker 3: not sure if I have to let him go just

401
00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:55,200
Speaker 3: because we're not together. But it's so hard to have

402
00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:58,480
Speaker 3: hard boundary lines when it comes to friendship and flirting

403
00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:02,720
Speaker 3: because obviously there's still love there. But yeah, I don't

404
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:04,240
Speaker 3: know how to let go of my eggs, and I'm

405
00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:06,359
Speaker 3: scared that I have to do it, and I'm scared

406
00:25:06,359 --> 00:25:08,679
Speaker 3: if I don't do it, then it'll be something that

407
00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:13,840
Speaker 3: I'll regret when i'm older, Like why didn't you let go?

408
00:25:14,359 --> 00:25:14,560
Speaker 3: You know?

409
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Speaker 1: Well, it sounds like the question that you're looking at

410
00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:25,239
Speaker 1: is can you love him in a new way? You

411
00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:29,879
Speaker 1: can stop being his partner's, spouse, lover, girlfriend, whatever you

412
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:32,920
Speaker 1: want to call it, and be his friend. That may

413
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:36,680
Speaker 1: take some time, but it's also going to take clear boundaries.

414
00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:40,719
Speaker 1: You don't have to stop loving him, you don't and

415
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:44,359
Speaker 1: you don't have to throw him out of your life

416
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:48,199
Speaker 1: in your heart, but you do have to create a

417
00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:52,320
Speaker 1: new normal. Okay, you do have to create a new normal.

418
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Speaker 1: So when you say we can't let each other go,

419
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Speaker 1: well that's a choice choice that you can make with

420
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Speaker 1: new boundaries, new understandings. You have to the two of you.

421
00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:11,320
Speaker 1: You have to agree. Okay, we can never be intimate again.

422
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:14,680
Speaker 1: That's just not going to happen. Now we can talk,

423
00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:19,639
Speaker 1: we can share I love you, you love me, but

424
00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:24,119
Speaker 1: that part of our relationship is complete. See, the only

425
00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:31,359
Speaker 1: common denominator for you in this relationship is you. So

426
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:34,720
Speaker 1: you need to take time to understand what's driving your behavior,

427
00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:38,359
Speaker 1: What needs do you have that you're telling yourself that

428
00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:43,560
Speaker 1: he fulfills. What wants and desires do you have that

429
00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:46,520
Speaker 1: he fulfills, And what is your want and desire for

430
00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:51,080
Speaker 1: your relationship and can you have that with him? So

431
00:26:51,119 --> 00:26:56,080
Speaker 1: by examining your past and really understanding where you are,

432
00:26:58,119 --> 00:27:01,560
Speaker 1: why you broke up, why that relation relationship ended, then

433
00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:04,280
Speaker 1: you have the tools that you need to build a

434
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:08,320
Speaker 1: new normal, to build a new kind of relationship, and

435
00:27:08,359 --> 00:27:11,640
Speaker 1: you don't have to stop loving him, but you do

436
00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:14,160
Speaker 1: have to be clear that he's no longer your lover.

437
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:21,879
Speaker 3: That's hard. I've I've definitely realized.

438
00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:27,000
Speaker 1: That I didn't like that sound. So what is it

439
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:28,480
Speaker 1: that keeps dragging you back?

440
00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:36,560
Speaker 3: I guess I love knowing how he's doing, and I

441
00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:39,840
Speaker 3: love the comforting feeling I get when I share about

442
00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:42,000
Speaker 3: my day or what's going on in my life. I

443
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:46,440
Speaker 3: think we have a really great bond in chemistry. He's

444
00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:48,800
Speaker 3: still caring. There's so many qualities about him that I

445
00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:52,760
Speaker 3: would want in a partner. But I understand why we

446
00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:55,439
Speaker 3: can't work right now and why we can't be in

447
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:58,919
Speaker 3: a relationship. So that's like the conflicting part where there

448
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:01,679
Speaker 3: are things that are missing and there are things that

449
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:04,840
Speaker 3: I see, But then there's also the great qualities that

450
00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:11,320
Speaker 3: I've always wanted in a partner that he fulfilled. But

451
00:28:11,359 --> 00:28:15,240
Speaker 3: I understand that I'm a very special person to him,

452
00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:19,159
Speaker 3: so he treats me very special, and I understand that

453
00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:22,120
Speaker 3: one day, that day it will be different, it will

454
00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:23,720
Speaker 3: be different. And that's the part where I've had to

455
00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:26,120
Speaker 3: cope with where I'm like, Okay, I can understand we're

456
00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:28,560
Speaker 3: not in a relationship, and I can release it in

457
00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:31,480
Speaker 3: that sense, But am I ready to not be his

458
00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:35,479
Speaker 3: special person anymore? Like no longer get some of the

459
00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:39,400
Speaker 3: privileges right, And I think that's I'm not sure if

460
00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:43,200
Speaker 3: I'm ready for that part. And maybe that's why I

461
00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:45,320
Speaker 3: have my boundary so loose right now.

462
00:28:45,920 --> 00:28:49,400
Speaker 1: And like I said, you are the common denominator. So

463
00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:54,920
Speaker 1: is he your lover, partner, the love of your life?

464
00:28:55,520 --> 00:28:58,600
Speaker 1: Or is he the candy store that you get to

465
00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:02,360
Speaker 1: get special treats in? Is he your partner or is

466
00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:05,400
Speaker 1: he a habit? Is he your first and only?

467
00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:09,280
Speaker 3: He is my I would like to say he's my partner,

468
00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:11,280
Speaker 3: and I would say that he's my first boyfriend, but

469
00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:14,320
Speaker 3: not my first, like, not my only intimate partner I've had.

470
00:29:15,360 --> 00:29:18,520
Speaker 1: I'm not sure that you've given enough space for the

471
00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:25,560
Speaker 1: relationship to transfigure, not even transform. Transfigure means that you

472
00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:30,200
Speaker 1: take what is and turn it into something else, and

473
00:29:30,280 --> 00:29:36,200
Speaker 1: that's a process. So if you want to transfigure this

474
00:29:36,320 --> 00:29:42,200
Speaker 1: relationship from being a love ship into being a friendship,

475
00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:46,200
Speaker 1: you may have to put some time in space between

476
00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:49,560
Speaker 1: it so that you can get accustomed to the new normal.

477
00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:54,080
Speaker 1: And see, you said that you've been together since you

478
00:29:54,120 --> 00:29:57,440
Speaker 1: were fourteen and he was seventeen or fifteen or some

479
00:29:57,600 --> 00:30:03,360
Speaker 1: such thing. Sixteen, sevent Okay, So there's a fabric in

480
00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:07,120
Speaker 1: the foundation that the two of you have woven together,

481
00:30:08,160 --> 00:30:12,160
Speaker 1: and you may be standing on that foundation even though

482
00:30:12,160 --> 00:30:14,480
Speaker 1: it's got holes and it cracks and it breaks in

483
00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:20,080
Speaker 1: it because you haven't established another foundation for what it

484
00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:23,960
Speaker 1: is you want in a relationship. And again, you don't

485
00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:26,640
Speaker 1: have to stop loving him, you don't have to throw

486
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:30,080
Speaker 1: him out of your heart, but you've got to look

487
00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:33,920
Speaker 1: at why you broke up and why you're not together

488
00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:38,320
Speaker 1: as lovers partners in a relationship so that you can

489
00:30:38,400 --> 00:30:42,880
Speaker 1: become friends. It sounds to me like he's the comfortable

490
00:30:43,440 --> 00:30:49,680
Speaker 1: habit and not necessarily a good partner for you.

491
00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:54,560
Speaker 3: Well, the breakup was, I guess my fault, so like

492
00:30:55,760 --> 00:30:57,680
Speaker 3: I had to cope with that in a sense. Our

493
00:30:57,720 --> 00:31:01,560
Speaker 3: first breakup was also when I was eighteen. That one

494
00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:02,840
Speaker 3: was definitely my fault.

495
00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:05,880
Speaker 1: This next one, what does that mean? Fault? What does

496
00:31:05,920 --> 00:31:07,400
Speaker 1: that mean? My fault?

497
00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:09,840
Speaker 3: I broke his heart?

498
00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:11,600
Speaker 1: How do you do that?

499
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:15,880
Speaker 3: When we were eighteen, I went to college and I

500
00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:19,200
Speaker 3: ended up becoming interested in somebody else, and then I

501
00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:25,560
Speaker 3: broke up with him because of it, and that was

502
00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:29,240
Speaker 3: really heartbreaking to him. But yet we still kind of

503
00:31:29,280 --> 00:31:31,360
Speaker 3: remained in contact, which I know was not great on

504
00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:33,760
Speaker 3: my part. So even when he's going through his heartbreak,

505
00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:36,760
Speaker 3: like I'm still talking to him and sometimes sharing too

506
00:31:36,800 --> 00:31:39,360
Speaker 3: much information on what I'm doing because I'm trying to

507
00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:44,680
Speaker 3: be honest and whatever. But then that next year, I

508
00:31:44,760 --> 00:31:47,680
Speaker 3: decided I didn't like the college thing and it just

509
00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:50,440
Speaker 3: went left. I wanted to get back together. I went

510
00:31:50,520 --> 00:31:54,240
Speaker 3: out there. I flew out to his state, and he

511
00:31:54,440 --> 00:31:57,640
Speaker 3: was secretly actually still talking to somebody, and even when

512
00:31:57,640 --> 00:32:00,680
Speaker 3: I left the next day, hooked up with that person.

513
00:32:00,720 --> 00:32:04,240
Speaker 3: So he hurt me the following year and then we've

514
00:32:04,280 --> 00:32:07,959
Speaker 3: talked about all of this already and then we were

515
00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:12,880
Speaker 3: able to move past it by like twenty twenty two

516
00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:16,480
Speaker 3: and you know, get back together and talk and talk

517
00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:20,440
Speaker 3: about the past. And this recently, this most recent breakup.

518
00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:23,560
Speaker 3: In October, I went out with my friends. I got

519
00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:26,440
Speaker 3: a little bit too it. I didn't have any ill

520
00:32:26,480 --> 00:32:29,760
Speaker 3: intention towards this, but there was an older gentleman who

521
00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:31,680
Speaker 3: brought brought us some drinks. I did let him know

522
00:32:31,680 --> 00:32:34,640
Speaker 3: I had I had a boyfriend, and later on he

523
00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:36,320
Speaker 3: left us alone. And later I saw him in the

524
00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:39,360
Speaker 3: in the club and I just wanted to ask him, like,

525
00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:41,480
Speaker 3: who are you because it seemed like he was either

526
00:32:41,520 --> 00:32:43,160
Speaker 3: a club owner or just had a lot of influence

527
00:32:43,160 --> 00:32:45,200
Speaker 3: in the clubs. I just wanted to know, like who

528
00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:49,800
Speaker 3: he was, And you know, he ended up asked when

529
00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:52,000
Speaker 3: I put his number on my phone. I think I

530
00:32:52,120 --> 00:32:54,040
Speaker 3: was just a little bit too nonchalant about it. I

531
00:32:54,120 --> 00:32:58,040
Speaker 3: let it happen, but I did have an inappropriate conversation

532
00:32:58,120 --> 00:32:59,880
Speaker 3: with him, and I was going to leap the number

533
00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:03,000
Speaker 3: set my phone died. The problem is that he was

534
00:33:03,040 --> 00:33:05,280
Speaker 3: able to wring his number through and he texted me

535
00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:08,680
Speaker 3: at three in the morning that night, and my ex

536
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:12,560
Speaker 3: got so mad, literally grabbed all my stuff, like wanted

537
00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:16,200
Speaker 3: to kick me out of his house or his family's house,

538
00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:20,800
Speaker 3: and it was really crazy. We kind of worked past it,

539
00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:22,320
Speaker 3: but at the end of the day, it seemed like

540
00:33:22,360 --> 00:33:24,840
Speaker 3: that was a very big factor for why we broke up,

541
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:29,880
Speaker 3: because he lost trust in me and he just didn't

542
00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:32,720
Speaker 3: trust that I wouldn't have someone's number in my phone

543
00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:34,280
Speaker 3: and I didn't tell him because I knew he would

544
00:33:34,320 --> 00:33:38,760
Speaker 3: react like that. But so it's been my fault. But

545
00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:41,200
Speaker 3: I know my therapist just told me that it's more

546
00:33:41,240 --> 00:33:44,000
Speaker 3: than just the number. So I'm trying to see past

547
00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:46,880
Speaker 3: just my action of the number. But it took a

548
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:49,080
Speaker 3: long time to let go about shame and hurt. I

549
00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:52,480
Speaker 3: guess about hurting breaking his heart. So I didn't want

550
00:33:52,480 --> 00:33:54,000
Speaker 3: this breakup, but love it.

551
00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:59,760
Speaker 1: I really, I really want to unlanguage you language that

552
00:33:59,800 --> 00:34:05,040
Speaker 1: you're using. It's somewhat troublesome to me. Okay, my fault.

553
00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:08,880
Speaker 1: You went out, had some drinks, made a poor choice

554
00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:11,799
Speaker 1: or a bad decision, and he got upset about it.

555
00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:16,160
Speaker 1: His upset is not your responsibility. We'll talk about that

556
00:34:16,760 --> 00:34:22,440
Speaker 1: right after this break Welcome back to the R spot.

557
00:34:22,600 --> 00:34:26,920
Speaker 1: Let's get back to the conversation. That's not your responsibility

558
00:34:27,160 --> 00:34:30,479
Speaker 1: his upset. All you can do is tell the truth

559
00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:34,040
Speaker 1: about what happened, ask for forgiveness for the poor choice

560
00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:37,200
Speaker 1: of the bad decision. But you can't somebody. How old

561
00:34:37,239 --> 00:34:40,680
Speaker 1: are you? Let me start there? Well, how old are you?

562
00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:44,080
Speaker 1: I'm going for Okay, Yes, that's some young and craziness

563
00:34:44,080 --> 00:34:48,280
Speaker 1: that I don't know nothing about your fault. You're in college,

564
00:34:48,320 --> 00:34:52,080
Speaker 1: you meet somebody, you want to see them at twenty two,

565
00:34:52,360 --> 00:34:56,040
Speaker 1: twenty years old, you seem to be taking on his

566
00:34:57,400 --> 00:35:03,000
Speaker 1: emotional insecure curity at twenty You have a right to

567
00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:07,000
Speaker 1: explore and investigate unless you have a commitment, unless you

568
00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:09,560
Speaker 1: and him have an agreement. Do you and him have

569
00:35:09,640 --> 00:35:12,399
Speaker 1: an agreement? I'm not going to see anybody else. It's

570
00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:14,600
Speaker 1: we're going to be in a monogamous relationship.

571
00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:17,360
Speaker 3: Yeah, we are monogamous.

572
00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:24,080
Speaker 1: Okay. So when you were seeing the other person in college,

573
00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:26,399
Speaker 1: he knew about that.

574
00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:28,840
Speaker 3: It had been a boiling thing the more just like

575
00:35:29,200 --> 00:35:33,480
Speaker 3: flirtatious friendship with this other person, and I noticed how

576
00:35:33,520 --> 00:35:35,719
Speaker 3: I felt. I guess around, So I broke up or

577
00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:38,960
Speaker 3: went on a break quote unquote right before a kiss

578
00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:41,279
Speaker 3: actually happened with somebody else. And then later on, I

579
00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:44,520
Speaker 3: had to just officially break it up. I did it weird.

580
00:35:44,640 --> 00:35:48,319
Speaker 1: I know y'all have never broken up. Stop that, just

581
00:35:48,560 --> 00:35:53,719
Speaker 1: stop that language. You have not broken up. That has

582
00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:57,040
Speaker 1: not happened. And nor do you have clear boundaries? Yeah,

583
00:35:57,160 --> 00:36:01,400
Speaker 1: clear boundaries in the relationship, clear boundaries about the relationship

584
00:36:01,880 --> 00:36:04,319
Speaker 1: and what you've got to start looking at because you've

585
00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:07,480
Speaker 1: said it's already happened. You hanging on to him, holding

586
00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:09,640
Speaker 1: on to him. What are you going to do when

587
00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:11,520
Speaker 1: he starts seeing somebody else.

588
00:36:12,960 --> 00:36:14,799
Speaker 3: I'd like to think I'd be able to just toss

589
00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:19,320
Speaker 3: it out.

590
00:36:15,160 --> 00:36:21,160
Speaker 1: And that is not going to happen. You know, you

591
00:36:21,360 --> 00:36:23,920
Speaker 1: were very young when you met, so it really sounds

592
00:36:23,960 --> 00:36:28,200
Speaker 1: like an attachment or, like I said, a habit. You

593
00:36:28,239 --> 00:36:34,160
Speaker 1: don't have an X. You've got a why? Why am

594
00:36:34,160 --> 00:36:36,680
Speaker 1: I still in this? Why am I still holding on?

595
00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:38,840
Speaker 1: Why am I still doing this? You don't have an X,

596
00:36:38,920 --> 00:36:41,920
Speaker 1: you got a why? And that's the question you have

597
00:36:42,040 --> 00:36:46,600
Speaker 1: to answer, Why am I still in this? Do you

598
00:36:46,680 --> 00:36:50,719
Speaker 1: still want to be in relationship with him? Or do

599
00:36:50,840 --> 00:36:52,960
Speaker 1: you not know how to not be in relation with

600
00:36:53,200 --> 00:36:56,120
Speaker 1: ship with him? And that's probably where the work is.

601
00:36:56,800 --> 00:36:59,480
Speaker 1: You've got to learn how not to be in relationship

602
00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:03,399
Speaker 1: with him as a partner lover, you know, and then

603
00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:07,839
Speaker 1: you can build a friendship with him because you got

604
00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:11,120
Speaker 1: to get some clear boundaries here. You don't have any boundaries.

605
00:37:11,960 --> 00:37:12,280
Speaker 3: Yeah?

606
00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:14,359
Speaker 2: Sure?

607
00:37:14,960 --> 00:37:18,040
Speaker 3: Do you believe that you could turn an attachment into

608
00:37:20,160 --> 00:37:23,080
Speaker 3: a healthy relationship? Like if it is an attachment relationship,

609
00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:25,920
Speaker 3: do you have to let go or does each individual

610
00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:28,520
Speaker 3: just have to do personal work to make it a

611
00:37:28,560 --> 00:37:29,600
Speaker 3: healthy relationship?

612
00:37:30,440 --> 00:37:33,319
Speaker 1: Well, well, let me ask you this. What are the

613
00:37:33,520 --> 00:37:40,200
Speaker 1: three words you believe best described the current state of

614
00:37:40,239 --> 00:37:45,000
Speaker 1: your relationship? What are the words that best describe it

615
00:37:45,280 --> 00:37:48,480
Speaker 1: where you and he are right now? No?

616
00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:52,040
Speaker 3: Trust, comfort, and love.

617
00:37:53,640 --> 00:37:56,879
Speaker 1: I hate to tell you this, but if you ain't

618
00:37:56,880 --> 00:38:01,240
Speaker 1: got no trust, it ain't love. It's attachment. You can't

619
00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:05,880
Speaker 1: have love without trust because love keeps no record of

620
00:38:05,960 --> 00:38:12,759
Speaker 1: wrong Love does not itemize wrongdoings. Love doesn't do that.

621
00:38:13,640 --> 00:38:20,360
Speaker 1: Attachment does, habit does. And comfort I want to offer

622
00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:26,399
Speaker 1: you comfort or bowl because you are comfortab boul with him,

623
00:38:27,480 --> 00:38:32,080
Speaker 1: but not knowing what's going to happen, not being free,

624
00:38:32,600 --> 00:38:38,360
Speaker 1: not being free, It's like you're enslaved. You're not free,

625
00:38:38,520 --> 00:38:42,799
Speaker 1: and without freedom, there's always going to be an obligation

626
00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:49,840
Speaker 1: or an attachment or an entanglement. You've got to be free,

627
00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:54,360
Speaker 1: and it doesn't sound like you're free, And it doesn't

628
00:38:54,400 --> 00:38:56,960
Speaker 1: sound like either one of you have left the relationship,

629
00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:01,120
Speaker 1: and it sounds like you're just holding on to him

630
00:39:01,160 --> 00:39:03,440
Speaker 1: in case you don't find nobody else, then you can

631
00:39:03,480 --> 00:39:04,680
Speaker 1: go running back to him.

632
00:39:05,320 --> 00:39:09,640
Speaker 3: Oh don't, I mean I would obviously I would like

633
00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:11,120
Speaker 3: to think. That's not what I'm doing.

634
00:39:11,239 --> 00:39:16,239
Speaker 1: Right, Well, I can't think it. I'm looking at the evidence.

635
00:39:17,800 --> 00:39:21,320
Speaker 1: You can think it, and you take on the responsibility

636
00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:26,719
Speaker 1: for his emotional upset. It's my fault. No, I made

637
00:39:26,760 --> 00:39:29,279
Speaker 1: a poor choice, a bad decision, and it had a

638
00:39:29,320 --> 00:39:32,080
Speaker 1: negative impact. And either he's going to forgive me for it,

639
00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:35,160
Speaker 1: then we're going to move on or not. Now, I'm

640
00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:37,279
Speaker 1: not going to stay somewhere with somebody who's going to

641
00:39:37,320 --> 00:39:40,080
Speaker 1: beat me up for choices or decisions I made. And

642
00:39:40,120 --> 00:39:43,800
Speaker 1: if there's no trust, what are we doing? You trust

643
00:39:43,840 --> 00:39:47,280
Speaker 1: him enough to tell him all your business? He trusts

644
00:39:47,320 --> 00:39:48,320
Speaker 1: you enough to listen?

645
00:39:49,080 --> 00:39:49,319
Speaker 3: Yeah?

646
00:39:49,880 --> 00:39:51,480
Speaker 1: Or you trust him he doesn't trust you.

647
00:39:52,239 --> 00:39:53,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, I trust him. He doesn't trust me.

648
00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:55,960
Speaker 1: So why do you want to be with a man

649
00:39:56,000 --> 00:40:00,839
Speaker 1: who doesn't trust you? Why? What belief does that reinforce.

650
00:40:01,840 --> 00:40:03,960
Speaker 1: Are you a middle child? Where are you in the

651
00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:07,680
Speaker 1: birth order? I'm the oldest, oh, the oldest of how many?

652
00:40:08,440 --> 00:40:11,760
Speaker 3: Technically three? One is abroad, but technically three, I guess.

653
00:40:11,840 --> 00:40:16,880
Speaker 1: Okay, if you could have done anything differently in this relationship,

654
00:40:17,239 --> 00:40:18,160
Speaker 1: what would it have been?

655
00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:19,239
Speaker 2: Hmm.

656
00:40:20,920 --> 00:40:24,400
Speaker 3: That's a difficult question because I am immediately just thinking

657
00:40:24,440 --> 00:40:29,320
Speaker 3: about ways in which I fractured it, I guess.

658
00:40:29,880 --> 00:40:32,759
Speaker 1: But then that makes him your victim, and you don't

659
00:40:32,800 --> 00:40:35,919
Speaker 1: want to be in a relationship with a victim who

660
00:40:35,920 --> 00:40:40,479
Speaker 1: doesn't trust you, because they'll beat you up forever. They'll

661
00:40:40,480 --> 00:40:41,360
Speaker 1: beat you up forever.

662
00:40:41,719 --> 00:40:44,799
Speaker 3: I don't understand it because he can't let go of it.

663
00:40:44,960 --> 00:40:48,879
Speaker 3: But yet I'm still someone who's close to his type,

664
00:40:48,960 --> 00:40:53,680
Speaker 3: or someone he clearly cares for and talks about relationship

665
00:40:54,920 --> 00:40:57,719
Speaker 3: with like. I don't know, I mean, obviously, I guess.

666
00:40:57,719 --> 00:40:59,360
Speaker 3: It's one of those things where I can love I

667
00:40:59,360 --> 00:41:01,440
Speaker 3: can love you to not trust you, I guess. But

668
00:41:01,520 --> 00:41:03,640
Speaker 3: it's kind of confusing because if you still see me

669
00:41:03,680 --> 00:41:06,839
Speaker 3: as a great person and as a great partner, then

670
00:41:06,880 --> 00:41:09,840
Speaker 3: I don't know why you couldn't let go of my mistake. Basically,

671
00:41:11,360 --> 00:41:12,520
Speaker 3: but at the end of the day, it is what

672
00:41:12,600 --> 00:41:12,920
Speaker 3: it is.

673
00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:19,040
Speaker 1: Why was it a mistake? Your grown ass woman? You

674
00:41:19,080 --> 00:41:22,719
Speaker 1: took somebody's phone number, And if he doesn't trust you

675
00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:25,799
Speaker 1: enough to know I wasn't inappropriate with this person, then

676
00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:30,800
Speaker 1: then you're disrespecting me, You're dishonoring me. Now, I'm not

677
00:41:30,840 --> 00:41:35,200
Speaker 1: gonna live with that. Why was it a mistake for

678
00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:38,319
Speaker 1: you to do something in your life that, whether you

679
00:41:38,360 --> 00:41:43,400
Speaker 1: were lit or not, in the moment, felt appropriate. See,

680
00:41:43,080 --> 00:41:46,120
Speaker 1: he reminds you of somebody I don't know if it's

681
00:41:46,160 --> 00:41:49,279
Speaker 1: mommy or daddy, where you can never do it right.

682
00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:51,200
Speaker 1: No matter what you do, it ain't right. I don't

683
00:41:51,239 --> 00:41:52,400
Speaker 1: know who that is. Who is that?

684
00:41:54,480 --> 00:41:55,200
Speaker 3: Probably my mom?

685
00:41:56,360 --> 00:42:02,000
Speaker 1: Okay, so you're marrying your mom?

686
00:42:02,080 --> 00:42:03,520
Speaker 3: Yeah, Mary, my mom.

687
00:42:03,719 --> 00:42:07,319
Speaker 1: You all are not complete. You're not complete. He's not

688
00:42:07,360 --> 00:42:11,840
Speaker 1: an ex at all, and you're you're really you haven't

689
00:42:11,840 --> 00:42:17,560
Speaker 1: gotten a lesson, you haven't seen the beauty in it.

690
00:42:18,280 --> 00:42:21,520
Speaker 1: And you know if you're still holding in your mind.

691
00:42:21,560 --> 00:42:24,680
Speaker 1: He treats me special, and that's okay, even if he

692
00:42:24,719 --> 00:42:29,279
Speaker 1: doesn't trust me. He uh, you know, I'm comfortable with

693
00:42:29,360 --> 00:42:32,359
Speaker 1: him even though he doesn't trust me, and he makes

694
00:42:32,400 --> 00:42:35,080
Speaker 1: me wrong for what I do in my life. I'm

695
00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:40,680
Speaker 1: Okay with that. This is not over. So there's still

696
00:42:40,680 --> 00:42:42,640
Speaker 1: more for you to learn here, more for you to

697
00:42:42,680 --> 00:42:45,440
Speaker 1: grow here, more for you to heal here, and whether

698
00:42:45,520 --> 00:42:48,160
Speaker 1: or not you all will be together. He said, you

699
00:42:48,280 --> 00:42:52,600
Speaker 1: can't let go. You haven't made that choice.

700
00:42:52,880 --> 00:42:53,120
Speaker 3: Wow.

701
00:42:53,719 --> 00:42:56,759
Speaker 1: And if you want to transfigure this, if you want

702
00:42:56,760 --> 00:43:00,279
Speaker 1: to turn this into something else, the first thing that

703
00:43:00,320 --> 00:43:05,920
Speaker 1: you need is space distance and time distance and time.

704
00:43:07,320 --> 00:43:08,840
Speaker 3: M I hear you.

705
00:43:08,880 --> 00:43:12,960
Speaker 1: That makes sense, you know, And you know men play

706
00:43:13,200 --> 00:43:17,719
Speaker 1: like they're tough and hard and rough and ready, but

707
00:43:18,960 --> 00:43:24,040
Speaker 1: their hearts and their souls are really fragile, and it's

708
00:43:24,080 --> 00:43:28,799
Speaker 1: really their ego like who who and she had that's

709
00:43:28,840 --> 00:43:32,279
Speaker 1: better than me. He's going to keep remembering that.

710
00:43:33,320 --> 00:43:33,719
Speaker 3: Mm hmm.

711
00:43:35,160 --> 00:43:40,279
Speaker 1: So unfortunately you're not complete. I don't know what you

712
00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:42,600
Speaker 1: need to learn. Mm hm.

713
00:43:43,400 --> 00:43:44,560
Speaker 3: I need to learn it fast though.

714
00:43:45,239 --> 00:43:49,600
Speaker 1: Well you can learn it today. Yeah, by letting him

715
00:43:49,640 --> 00:43:53,399
Speaker 1: know I love you. You have a special place in

716
00:43:53,440 --> 00:43:57,160
Speaker 1: my heart. You always have a special place in my heart.

717
00:43:57,880 --> 00:44:00,239
Speaker 1: And I'm not going to talk to you for the

718
00:44:00,280 --> 00:44:04,200
Speaker 1: next three hundred and sixty five days until I can

719
00:44:04,239 --> 00:44:09,319
Speaker 1: heal that place. You could do that today, yeah, And

720
00:44:09,400 --> 00:44:14,839
Speaker 1: then the pain, the sadness that whatever comes up as

721
00:44:14,840 --> 00:44:18,000
Speaker 1: a result of letting him go. That's where you look,

722
00:44:18,560 --> 00:44:21,600
Speaker 1: that's where your healing is, that's where your work is.

723
00:44:22,200 --> 00:44:24,880
Speaker 1: But you keep avoiding that by running back and forth

724
00:44:24,920 --> 00:44:29,320
Speaker 1: to him, calling him, being comforted, getting your special treats

725
00:44:29,680 --> 00:44:35,799
Speaker 1: and creature comforts. Yes, let me just say this. I

726
00:44:35,880 --> 00:44:39,759
Speaker 1: think I've been here. Let me just think for a moment. YEP.

727
00:44:42,600 --> 00:44:46,640
Speaker 1: I spent forty years in a relationship with a man.

728
00:44:47,080 --> 00:44:50,239
Speaker 1: Forty how do you twenty four?

729
00:44:51,520 --> 00:44:51,800
Speaker 2: Ah?

730
00:44:51,880 --> 00:44:55,120
Speaker 1: Huh? Can you hear me?

731
00:44:55,680 --> 00:44:55,919
Speaker 2: Yes?

732
00:44:56,160 --> 00:44:59,680
Speaker 1: Forty years in a relationship, in and out of a

733
00:44:59,719 --> 00:45:04,040
Speaker 1: relation relationship well, with a boyfriend. Then he got married.

734
00:45:04,080 --> 00:45:06,800
Speaker 1: I got married, and we got back together and back

735
00:45:06,840 --> 00:45:15,600
Speaker 1: in forty fricking years until a dawned on me. I

736
00:45:15,680 --> 00:45:21,400
Speaker 1: love you, but we are not good together. We're just

737
00:45:21,440 --> 00:45:25,680
Speaker 1: not good together. And I don't have to stop loving you,

738
00:45:26,320 --> 00:45:30,879
Speaker 1: but I'm choosing not to be with you. That did

739
00:45:30,880 --> 00:45:33,719
Speaker 1: it for me, and we are still friends to this

740
00:45:33,880 --> 00:45:37,120
Speaker 1: very day. I happen to be one of those weird

741
00:45:37,160 --> 00:45:40,960
Speaker 1: people that I'm friends with all my exes, those who

742
00:45:40,960 --> 00:45:43,120
Speaker 1: are still living, and I talked to the ones that

743
00:45:43,200 --> 00:45:50,440
Speaker 1: ain't living. But I love you, but we are not

744
00:45:50,840 --> 00:45:54,640
Speaker 1: good for each other. We're not good together. I don't

745
00:45:54,680 --> 00:45:58,400
Speaker 1: have to stop loving you, but I refuse to be

746
00:45:58,600 --> 00:46:02,279
Speaker 1: in that kind of relationship with you. And it took

747
00:46:02,400 --> 00:46:08,440
Speaker 1: me almost three years with no contact, no communication, no anything.

748
00:46:09,480 --> 00:46:13,600
Speaker 1: Do you like chocolate? Do you like pie cake, cookies, candy?

749
00:46:13,640 --> 00:46:14,200
Speaker 1: What do you like?

750
00:46:14,640 --> 00:46:16,600
Speaker 3: I have a big sweet too. I like it all

751
00:46:17,520 --> 00:46:18,000
Speaker 3: ice cream?

752
00:46:18,040 --> 00:46:21,040
Speaker 1: Really? Okay? Do you eat it every single day?

753
00:46:21,880 --> 00:46:22,080
Speaker 3: No?

754
00:46:23,360 --> 00:46:23,640
Speaker 1: Why?

755
00:46:24,680 --> 00:46:27,200
Speaker 3: Because when I also gain weight fast. So when I

756
00:46:27,239 --> 00:46:31,680
Speaker 3: eat my favorite sweeps too often, I notice the way games.

757
00:46:32,239 --> 00:46:37,920
Speaker 1: Yeah it's not good for you. Yeah, it's just that simple.

758
00:46:39,680 --> 00:46:41,440
Speaker 1: It's not good for you. Don't mean you have to

759
00:46:41,480 --> 00:46:45,120
Speaker 1: stop loving it, but it's not good for you. So

760
00:46:45,200 --> 00:46:48,439
Speaker 1: you've got to get clear about how it's not good,

761
00:46:48,480 --> 00:46:52,200
Speaker 1: why it's not good, and what could possibly happen to

762
00:46:52,360 --> 00:46:55,120
Speaker 1: your butt if you continue to engage in eating it.

763
00:46:57,800 --> 00:46:59,759
Speaker 1: And it's the same thing with him. What's going to

764
00:46:59,800 --> 00:47:04,000
Speaker 1: happen into your heart if you continue to engage in

765
00:47:04,120 --> 00:47:08,480
Speaker 1: this with him? But you know what, I'm talking to you,

766
00:47:08,760 --> 00:47:10,959
Speaker 1: But I'm talking to the thirty year old you because

767
00:47:11,000 --> 00:47:13,680
Speaker 1: the twenty four year year old you you can't hear this.

768
00:47:14,040 --> 00:47:16,560
Speaker 1: I know you can't. You're gonna get off the phone.

769
00:47:16,560 --> 00:47:18,959
Speaker 1: With me and call him and tell him what I said.

770
00:47:23,320 --> 00:47:26,360
Speaker 3: I hear you, I hear you. I really do want to.

771
00:47:26,480 --> 00:47:33,080
Speaker 3: I really do want to. I really do want to

772
00:47:33,160 --> 00:47:36,560
Speaker 3: listen and do better. I just like you said, it

773
00:47:36,600 --> 00:47:38,760
Speaker 3: could happen today. I'm not sure if it happened today,

774
00:47:38,800 --> 00:47:42,480
Speaker 3: maybe by the weekend and I can send that text

775
00:47:42,520 --> 00:47:43,920
Speaker 3: message for sure.

776
00:47:45,120 --> 00:47:50,400
Speaker 1: Take it to your therapist, yes, that that why, or

777
00:47:50,480 --> 00:47:57,839
Speaker 1: to support you and understanding what is the benefit of

778
00:47:57,880 --> 00:48:01,720
Speaker 1: you continuing to stay and involved with him this way?

779
00:48:02,080 --> 00:48:05,960
Speaker 1: Is it a habit? Is it an attachment? Is their fear?

780
00:48:07,160 --> 00:48:11,120
Speaker 1: That's what you need to work through once you do that,

781
00:48:11,400 --> 00:48:14,360
Speaker 1: and why are you languaging it? As it's my fault?

782
00:48:14,640 --> 00:48:16,719
Speaker 1: Twenty years old? You can do what you want to do.

783
00:48:18,520 --> 00:48:23,600
Speaker 1: That's your time to explore an experiment. Who you were

784
00:48:23,640 --> 00:48:26,239
Speaker 1: at fourteen is not who you were at eighteen or

785
00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:29,440
Speaker 1: twenty certainly not who you are as twenty four. So

786
00:48:29,760 --> 00:48:32,560
Speaker 1: is it you at twenty four that loves him or

787
00:48:32,640 --> 00:48:35,319
Speaker 1: is it the fourteen year old inside of you that's

788
00:48:35,360 --> 00:48:39,000
Speaker 1: still attached to him because he was the first kiss,

789
00:48:39,080 --> 00:48:41,560
Speaker 1: in the first this and he made you feel good

790
00:48:41,640 --> 00:48:44,399
Speaker 1: and he made you feel special. But is that you

791
00:48:44,480 --> 00:48:48,040
Speaker 1: today are you current with who you are now or

792
00:48:48,080 --> 00:48:51,200
Speaker 1: are you allowing the fourteen year old self to still

793
00:48:51,239 --> 00:48:57,200
Speaker 1: remain attached to him? But see those are therapy questions.

794
00:48:57,239 --> 00:49:01,600
Speaker 1: That's not talking to a yamla on the radio. Question right,

795
00:49:04,239 --> 00:49:08,600
Speaker 1: here's a question. Do you want to pay the full

796
00:49:08,719 --> 00:49:14,680
Speaker 1: price now? Of cutting it? Getting clear? Moving on? Do

797
00:49:14,719 --> 00:49:17,279
Speaker 1: you want to pay the full price now? Or do

798
00:49:17,360 --> 00:49:22,040
Speaker 1: you want to pay little by little with great interest?

799
00:49:22,560 --> 00:49:24,200
Speaker 1: You know, when you pay your credit card, when you

800
00:49:24,239 --> 00:49:28,880
Speaker 1: only pay the minimum amount, half of that goes towards interest,

801
00:49:29,760 --> 00:49:31,800
Speaker 1: where you could bite the bullet and pay the card

802
00:49:31,880 --> 00:49:34,960
Speaker 1: off and be done with it. But if you pay

803
00:49:35,239 --> 00:49:40,920
Speaker 1: little by little, you're paying interest. So three years from now,

804
00:49:40,960 --> 00:49:46,600
Speaker 1: four years from now, you know, but you you still want,

805
00:49:46,840 --> 00:49:51,040
Speaker 1: you'll still be in it. You'll still be paying interest.

806
00:49:50,880 --> 00:49:54,840
Speaker 1: That's think about it that way. If you're not willing

807
00:49:54,880 --> 00:49:59,000
Speaker 1: to pay the price now, you'll just keep talking to

808
00:49:59,120 --> 00:50:02,040
Speaker 1: him and keep living your life and breaking your heart

809
00:50:02,080 --> 00:50:04,400
Speaker 1: and he won't trust you, and then you're guilty, and

810
00:50:04,440 --> 00:50:07,040
Speaker 1: then you'll spend you know, six nine months time to

811
00:50:07,080 --> 00:50:09,759
Speaker 1: make him trust you again. And I mean it's just

812
00:50:09,960 --> 00:50:15,120
Speaker 1: it's a vicious cycle. Yeah, pay it now in full

813
00:50:16,040 --> 00:50:20,280
Speaker 1: and shut it down or just keep paying in little

814
00:50:20,320 --> 00:50:24,680
Speaker 1: increments see what happens. That's the choice.

815
00:50:26,800 --> 00:50:29,040
Speaker 3: No, I hear you, I take it. I will take

816
00:50:29,080 --> 00:50:30,480
Speaker 3: that advice, miss Las.

817
00:50:30,600 --> 00:50:34,240
Speaker 1: Thank you, bless your little twenty four year old heart.

818
00:50:36,160 --> 00:50:39,239
Speaker 1: That is so sweet to be twenty four years old.

819
00:50:39,320 --> 00:50:48,880
Speaker 1: Oh my god, bye bye bye bye darling. Oh how

820
00:50:48,960 --> 00:50:52,920
Speaker 1: sweet it is to be young to be twenty four.

821
00:50:54,200 --> 00:50:58,320
Speaker 1: But I want you just to point out some things

822
00:50:58,400 --> 00:51:02,680
Speaker 1: here that because she's twenty four, but I'm sure they

823
00:51:02,719 --> 00:51:05,160
Speaker 1: are forty and fifty year olds doing the same thing

824
00:51:05,640 --> 00:51:09,880
Speaker 1: instead of cutting it or paying the full card off

825
00:51:09,920 --> 00:51:13,360
Speaker 1: and putting in it down, cutting it up, paying little

826
00:51:13,400 --> 00:51:15,960
Speaker 1: by little by little, just to see what's gonna happen.

827
00:51:16,520 --> 00:51:18,399
Speaker 1: You know, you get a little, you get, you pay

828
00:51:18,600 --> 00:51:21,040
Speaker 1: one hundred dollars, you go out and you spend seventy

829
00:51:21,080 --> 00:51:27,360
Speaker 1: five and then you're paying eighty in interest. Okay, don't

830
00:51:27,360 --> 00:51:33,120
Speaker 1: assume this thing is dead. If you continue to feed it,

831
00:51:33,120 --> 00:51:38,360
Speaker 1: either it's dead or it's not. And again, you know,

832
00:51:39,200 --> 00:51:41,840
Speaker 1: one of the things that I learned in my forty

833
00:51:41,920 --> 00:51:48,319
Speaker 1: year relationship. We met I was fourteen, he was seventeen,

834
00:51:49,600 --> 00:51:53,439
Speaker 1: and he was very supportive to me. I always say

835
00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:56,280
Speaker 1: he was the first man to ever hold my hand.

836
00:51:57,040 --> 00:51:59,520
Speaker 1: My father, my brother, my uncle, no man in my

837
00:51:59,560 --> 00:52:02,520
Speaker 1: life had ever held my hand. And I was in

838
00:52:02,840 --> 00:52:07,040
Speaker 1: a difficulty at fourteen, and he held my hand and

839
00:52:07,120 --> 00:52:10,840
Speaker 1: walked me through it. I had never had that experience,

840
00:52:11,480 --> 00:52:15,000
Speaker 1: and so I made up that he was somebody he wasn't.

841
00:52:15,360 --> 00:52:19,040
Speaker 1: And then, of course, you know, you become lovers or friends.

842
00:52:20,040 --> 00:52:24,799
Speaker 1: He went off and married somebody else. Eventually I had

843
00:52:24,840 --> 00:52:28,839
Speaker 1: a child and married somebody else, and then he was

844
00:52:28,880 --> 00:52:32,359
Speaker 1: in difficulty. He came back to me, so I got

845
00:52:32,400 --> 00:52:35,880
Speaker 1: to hold his hand and walk him through it. And

846
00:52:35,920 --> 00:52:38,239
Speaker 1: then we broke up. And then I was in a

847
00:52:38,280 --> 00:52:42,120
Speaker 1: difficulty and he came. I mean, it's a cycle. You

848
00:52:42,280 --> 00:52:48,280
Speaker 1: got to look at it. But until I made that awareness,

849
00:52:49,000 --> 00:52:54,960
Speaker 1: I love you. You hold a place in my heart.

850
00:52:55,400 --> 00:52:59,880
Speaker 1: But we are not good together. And I'm no longer

851
00:53:00,440 --> 00:53:04,800
Speaker 1: to make these tiny little payments of nine months, two years,

852
00:53:04,840 --> 00:53:09,760
Speaker 1: three years, you know, to see if my interests rate

853
00:53:09,920 --> 00:53:13,960
Speaker 1: is gonna go down. No longer willing to do that.

854
00:53:14,600 --> 00:53:17,279
Speaker 1: I'm gonna pay this off, cut the card up, and

855
00:53:17,480 --> 00:53:23,640
Speaker 1: move on, move on. My point is what brought you

856
00:53:23,800 --> 00:53:28,879
Speaker 1: together may not be enough to keep you together. But

857
00:53:28,960 --> 00:53:33,400
Speaker 1: you've got to be current in who you are now,

858
00:53:34,400 --> 00:53:37,960
Speaker 1: to have that understanding, that awareness, to have that recognition.

859
00:53:38,719 --> 00:53:41,720
Speaker 1: Are you loving this person? Are you with this person

860
00:53:42,080 --> 00:53:46,279
Speaker 1: because of who you are now? Or are you with

861
00:53:46,440 --> 00:53:51,200
Speaker 1: them because of what they provided for you, the need

862
00:53:51,280 --> 00:53:56,000
Speaker 1: they fulfilled when you met them. I hope that you

863
00:53:56,080 --> 00:53:58,960
Speaker 1: know something now that you didn't know. When you're tuned in,

864
00:54:00,120 --> 00:54:04,880
Speaker 1: and until we meet again, stay in peace and not pieces.

865
00:54:05,680 --> 00:54:14,680
Speaker 1: I'll see you next time. Bye. The R Spot is

866
00:54:14,680 --> 00:54:20,000
Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For

867
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Speaker 1: more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

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Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite show.