Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Summer two thousand and one will be remembered for many things,
Speaker 2: the g eight riots, stem cell controversy, and of course
Speaker 2: for me.
Speaker 3: This was the summer I finally lost it on a
Speaker 3: camping trip. None of you know her, She's from Canada,
Speaker 3: but for many it was and remains Summer of the shark. Okay,
Speaker 3: the scene and colde Keith, Florida, where local officials have
Speaker 3: spotted hundreds of sharks gathering in what is perhaps the
Speaker 3: largest feeding frenzy ever witnessed. The frenzy included over two
Speaker 3: hundred sharks, or one shark for every six news reporters
Speaker 3: covering it. No one knows for sure why the sharks
Speaker 3: chose to congregate in this area, though marine biologists note
Speaker 3: that sharks are motivated by the same factors as humans,
Speaker 3: food and sex. It also explains the thirty minute wait
Speaker 3: outside the Tampa Hooters. Some experts believe the sharks have
Speaker 3: gathered because this area is rich with their favorite food,
Speaker 3: a stingray known as cownos ray. It's a species so
Speaker 3: named because of its resemblance to noted delta bluesman cownos ray.
Speaker 3: Jefferson Well that took a long time to make on
Speaker 3: a computer. It's not easy. With its beaches packed with
Speaker 3: tourists slathered in coconut oil, It's not surprising that fifty
Speaker 3: percent of unprovoked shark attacks occur in Florida. Interestingly enough,
Speaker 3: ninety eight percent of provoked shark attacks occur in the
Speaker 3: vicinity of the Trenton, New Jersey comedy club stitches during
Speaker 3: performances by noted shark insult comic Vinnie Are. Take a
Speaker 3: look at his incendiary work.
Speaker 4: Hey, have you got any sharks in the audience tonight?
Speaker 5: Oh?
Speaker 4: We got a couple.
Speaker 1: Well, don't worry, I'll talk slow.
Speaker 4: Oh boy, Hey Sarah, is that a hammerhead? Or are
Speaker 4: you just clumsy?
Speaker 5: And check out the door sloppin over here? What'd you do? Eat?
Speaker 5: The whole?
Speaker 1: Kayak? O, my kid?
Speaker 6: But seriously, thing about shaky.
Speaker 3: The end part there? That was the attack? All right?
Speaker 3: This gathering of sharks is the latest and what can
Speaker 3: only be inaccurately and hyperbolically described as a summer of
Speaker 3: terror for American beach goers. Our own chief ichthyologist, Matt Walsh,
Speaker 3: is down in Tampa, Florida right now.
Speaker 1: Matt, what the hell is going on down.
Speaker 4: There, Matt John, This gathering is actually an unprecedented World
Speaker 4: Shark Summit. Now, this is a g eight for predators.
Speaker 4: All the big sharks are here. Blue sharks, make those
Speaker 4: white tips. We've got a reef shark that swam all
Speaker 4: the way up from Trinidad and Tobago just to get here. John,
Speaker 4: I'm seeing hammerheads and bull sharks side by side. These
Speaker 4: guys haven't talked this openly since the I was gnawing
Speaker 4: in this Torso first controversy back in Galveston in eighty six,
Speaker 4: you remember that cold one. Now there's also nurse sharks
Speaker 4: here too. They were actually in town for a separate conference.
Speaker 4: It just kind of worked out, if you know what
Speaker 4: I mean, Jong.
Speaker 3: I think I don't so. These sharks you're saying have
Speaker 3: actually gathered off the coast of Florida.
Speaker 5: For a reason.
Speaker 4: Yes, they're here to discuss a host of issues, mainly
Speaker 4: shark related over fishing, dental care. You got to remember,
Speaker 4: these guys have three times as many teeth as we do.
Speaker 4: They're also concerned about the way they're portrayed in.
Speaker 5: TV and movies.
Speaker 4: I mean, they saw a deep blue sea.
Speaker 3: They're not amused all right, Matt, I understand there certainly
Speaker 3: seems though to be quite immediate presence. How close have
Speaker 3: you been able to get to the shark frenzy?
Speaker 4: Not close at all, mainly because of all the protesters.
Speaker 3: Protesters, surfers, bathers, people that have been barred from.
Speaker 4: The now, John, tuna, albacore, yellowtail, huge schools of chunk lights,
Speaker 4: sashimi wearing critters.
Speaker 5: What are they?
Speaker 3: What are they protesting?
Speaker 5: That one issue?
Speaker 4: Mainly the being chased down and eating thing. Apparently they
Speaker 4: don't like it.
Speaker 3: Well, it seems like the sharks are dispersing now. Is
Speaker 3: there is there any idea where the sharks might be going?
Speaker 4: You know, I don't know really at all, John. I mean,
Speaker 4: Tampa's amazing. You got bush gardens here. The city's home
Speaker 4: to the third largest mall in Hillsboro County. They got
Speaker 4: four Starbucks there. This probably won't hit thet They won't
Speaker 4: go to the aquarium because it's like Ben here done that.
Speaker 4: The point is Tampa's an exciting place to be right
Speaker 4: now if you're a shark or a stripper.
Speaker 3: John, thank you very much, Matt.
Speaker 5: That was excellent, and they may be thank you. We'll
Speaker 5: be right back.
Speaker 4: When a new story false the cracks, Lewis Black catches
Speaker 4: it with a segment we call back in black.
Speaker 1: Well.
Speaker 7: It's summer, which always reminds me of my childhood at camp, canoeing,
Speaker 7: roasting marshmallows, learning how to masturbate, or as we call it,
Speaker 7: a camp beating the tom tom. It's all about the beat.
Speaker 7: Nearly every adult who went to camp remembers it fondly,
Speaker 7: but like jerking off, some people just can't let.
Speaker 5: Go Summer camp.
Speaker 8: It is not just for kids anymore, because more and
Speaker 8: more places they're offering camps for adults.
Speaker 9: All the fun things that you would do as a kilic, swimming, archery, ziplining,
Speaker 9: a rope course, even a talent show.
Speaker 5: We have arts and crafts. There are also other camps
Speaker 5: there too, like Space Camp.
Speaker 9: You get to go on an interactive space mission, build
Speaker 9: rockets and train like astronauts.
Speaker 7: What the hell is wrong with these peeotball In my day,
Speaker 7: when you had a midlife crisis, you bought a red
Speaker 7: corvette and cheated on your wife. Now it's sharing bunk
Speaker 7: beds and making lanyards. Huh, Stop reinventing the wheel and
Speaker 7: don't get me started on space Camp. Kids go to
Speaker 7: space camp because there's still hope.
Speaker 1: They'll go to actual space. When you're a grown up
Speaker 1: that spaceship has sailed.
Speaker 7: It would be like trying to seduce Roy Moore when
Speaker 7: you're forty seven.
Speaker 1: You're forty years too late. Oh why did you vote
Speaker 1: for it?
Speaker 7: But there's another reason adults are going back to camp,
Speaker 7: and it ain't archery.
Speaker 10: Play like a kid and party like a grown up
Speaker 10: is the motto at camp. No counselors and all inclusive
Speaker 10: weekend long sleep away camp for grown ups. The all
Speaker 10: inclusive package includes lodging, food and open bar, nightly parties,
Speaker 10: and tons of old school camp activities, wheelbarrow races and
Speaker 10: human hungry hungrya bote.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, boat.
Speaker 7: I love getting wasted and then getting tossed like a salad.
Speaker 1: Seriously, if I want to puke.
Speaker 7: In a ball pit, I'll go to McDonald's like a
Speaker 7: normal person. Look, it's one thing for these forty year
Speaker 7: old toddlers to ruin camp, but I refuse to stand
Speaker 7: by and watch them room booze.
Speaker 1: In these terrible times, it's all we have left.
Speaker 7: And besides, if all the adults are in camp pretending
Speaker 7: to be kids, who's going to do all the adult stuff.
Speaker 8: Kids Summer camps are putting away the canoes and the
Speaker 8: kayaks and instead, in some cases, teaching kids how to
Speaker 8: manage money.
Speaker 10: Attractive options for families who want their children to learn
Speaker 10: about budgets and business.
Speaker 6: Here, kids from seven to sixteen learn to crunch numbers
Speaker 6: for a product they'll later design, manufacture, and market.
Speaker 7: Oh great, just what this country needs. Even younger Wall
Speaker 7: Street dooche pads. I can't wait to get my house
Speaker 7: repossessed by a banker who still wears a onesie. So
Speaker 7: I get why these kids are being sent to learn
Speaker 7: about money. Someone's got to pay for their parents to
Speaker 7: play drunken corn hole. Look, it's clear what's happening here.
Speaker 7: These camps track kids into doing work while the old
Speaker 7: folks have fun in the sun.
Speaker 1: It's wrong, it's despicable, and I want in.
Speaker 7: Hey, kids, why waste your summer groping each other in
Speaker 7: the woods when you can learn a trade here a
Speaker 7: tamp worker be You'll learn all sorts of skills, like
Speaker 7: mowing my lawn, doing my taxes, getting things that I
Speaker 7: point at, and as an elderly person, my clothes are
Speaker 7: old and frayed, So you'll also be doing some light
Speaker 7: sewing about two hundred sharks an hour.
Speaker 1: Jake Croned's days tomorrow.
Speaker 7: Don't spend the summer just sitting on your ass.
Speaker 1: Spend it. Wipe that by it.
Speaker 6: Last year, the media tried to tell us it was
Speaker 6: the Summer of the shark.
Speaker 9: Smmer of the sharks, the Summer of the shark.
Speaker 6: But they were just trying to scare us to boost
Speaker 6: their ratings. So what's the real deal? Miami c Aquarium
Speaker 6: shark expert Chris Plant set the record straight. Is this
Speaker 6: the summer of the shark?
Speaker 5: No?
Speaker 6: Shouldn't we be scared of these sharks?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 4: Really, to put in a perspective, more people are killed
Speaker 4: each year by falling coconuts than sharks.
Speaker 11: Excuse me, wait, was that?
Speaker 6: Did you say coconuts?
Speaker 4: More coconuts kill people each year than charks do.
Speaker 6: The figures don't lie. Ten deaths a year from shark
Speaker 6: attacks versus one hundred and fifty from head injuries due
Speaker 6: to falling coco nuts. To find out why these predators
Speaker 6: from above crave our skulls, I spoke with coconut attack
Speaker 6: expert Peter Varse just how dangerous? Are these coconuts?
Speaker 7: Well, the kinetic energy of a falling coconut on the
Speaker 7: head is approximately a metric ton.
Speaker 6: Do these coconuts kill for food or just sport?
Speaker 7: I don't really understand that question.
Speaker 6: But someone who does understand the question is coconut survivor
Speaker 6: g Jacobs. I asked her to recount her brush with
Speaker 6: the death nut.
Speaker 12: I was cutting some shrubs that are underneath the tree,
Speaker 12: and then suddenly I heard a noise. Then there was
Speaker 12: this coconut.
Speaker 1: Because I was not hit by.
Speaker 6: It, Doctor Barse, is this the summer of the coconut?
Speaker 13: Not?
Speaker 7: To my knowledge at the moment.
Speaker 6: One of the most serious hazards we face is injuries
Speaker 6: from people falling on stairs. The shocking truth is stairs
Speaker 6: take more lives every year than even coconuts, preying on
Speaker 6: the elderly and the uncoordinated safety code engineer Jamie Eisen
Speaker 6: are stairs the silent killer?
Speaker 12: By silent killer, what do you mean by that.
Speaker 6: In that they don't make noise and they can kill.
Speaker 13: Way, Yes, if you're not careful.
Speaker 6: Is it seemed clear that this is actually the summer
Speaker 6: of the stairs. That is until coconut survivor Jean Jacobs
Speaker 6: dropped this little bomb.
Speaker 12: If one is not careful and are cautious in what
Speaker 12: they're doing, anything can be dangerous.
Speaker 6: And by anything we mean, of course.
Speaker 12: Uh, lightning on golf courses, duck.
Speaker 7: Camel bites, bath cups can be dangerous.
Speaker 12: I'm allergic to some fruits rawclineapple and occasionally strawberries.
Speaker 3: I was worn in Havana, Cuba.
Speaker 6: It turns out this is far from the summer of
Speaker 6: the shark. It's the summer of the anything.
Speaker 3: Now, Uh, Stephen, what's specific?
Speaker 5: Stephen?
Speaker 3: Yes, John, Stephen, what are you doing down there? Just
Speaker 3: come on up, reporting, Come on, come on up, and
Speaker 3: and and and and talk to us about the report
Speaker 3: all the way up. Please come on.
Speaker 5: I'm sorry. Is that bubble wrap?
Speaker 1: Yes, John, get your own.
Speaker 6: This is the only thing protecting me from the meteor
Speaker 6: strikes and from the peanut allergies.
Speaker 3: Peanut, they're out there, John.
Speaker 5: I understand.
Speaker 6: It's a dangerous world.
Speaker 5: John.
Speaker 3: I know that you go down there to debunk the
Speaker 3: fear tactics of the news and you come back here
Speaker 3: wearing bubble wrap.
Speaker 6: I got kids, John, I got to So.
Speaker 3: What did you learn anything from going down to Florida?
Speaker 6: Yeah, John, I did. I learned there's some things we
Speaker 6: should be afraid of and some not. But I'd say,
Speaker 6: if there's one thing we should be afraid of this summer,
Speaker 6: it'd be sharks.
Speaker 5: Now.
Speaker 6: They got teeth, they smell fear, John, they feast on
Speaker 6: human flesh, and they rule the night alight.
Speaker 3: Thank you very much, Steve, and I appreciate your thoughts.
Speaker 3: Shots summer summer. People magazine called it this year's hottest season,
Speaker 3: and whether you're kicking back at a private beach or
Speaker 3: just letting your suv idle in the parking lot with
Speaker 3: the ac on full blast, I think we can all agree.
Speaker 5: Cheers.
Speaker 3: Hell beats living in Zambia, even if you were one
Speaker 3: of the tens of thousands of terrorists who flocked to
Speaker 3: the African nation to witness this morning's total eclipse of
Speaker 3: the sun. It's the first eclipse in two years, and
Speaker 3: the first in over three hundred years to take place
Speaker 3: on the summer solstice. It's a fact that some observers
Speaker 3: take as an ominous portent that this summer may bring
Speaker 3: with it many many more boring facts just like that.
Speaker 1: One got a whole book about.
Speaker 3: So what is it like to actually see a total
Speaker 3: solar eclipse.
Speaker 14: The right sun is gone and it's replaced by this
Speaker 14: incredibly black disc surrounded by this pearly white corona surrounding
Speaker 14: the sun. It's a breathtaking event which makes the hair
Speaker 14: on the back of your neck stand out there.
Speaker 3: Oh, it's bad news for anyone standing behind Dan Hdea.
Speaker 3: Even Ed Asner looks at that and goes, that's Harry. Meanwhile,
Speaker 3: in Britain, a fourteen and a half thousand strong crowd
Speaker 3: of Druids, New Age followers and people who look tend
Speaker 3: but are just dirty gathered at Stonehenge to watch the
Speaker 3: sunrise on the year's longest day. Police reported only five
Speaker 3: arrests during the celebration, off for minor drug offenses, and
Speaker 3: they praised the good natured crowd, whose good nature was
Speaker 3: no doubt enhanced by major drug offenses. People with all
Speaker 3: sorts of things stuck in their face had nice things
Speaker 3: to say.
Speaker 1: It's been really.
Speaker 5: Peaceful, hasn't it.
Speaker 1: It's been really nice. I'm saying, please, it's been like this.
Speaker 5: I've had a really lovely night.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, girl with chin stud has a good point,
Speaker 3: but what about guy with eyestud.
Speaker 13: It's something that's needed organizing for a long time, and
Speaker 13: something they've organized it.
Speaker 5: It's great.
Speaker 1: Guy with ice Stud's right.
Speaker 3: We still haven't heard from guy with chin stud and
Speaker 3: top of nose thing.
Speaker 5: It's just still come together. The feeling in the circle
Speaker 5: itself is just immense.
Speaker 3: Really, Guy with chin stud and top of nose thing.
Speaker 3: I think I'll miss you most of all. Makes a
Speaker 3: kind of nostalgic for the the news stories of summer's
Speaker 3: gone by. The ultimate summer nightmare in great white sharks
Speaker 3: are someming on the shark shark attacks, the summer of
Speaker 3: the shark.
Speaker 1: I missed those days.
Speaker 3: Nothing said summer like firing up the grill, mixing some
Speaker 3: G and t's and waiting for people to be mauled
Speaker 3: by fish.
Speaker 1: Yeah, sharks of fish. You would tick the fish.
Speaker 3: But the fish even though they lack a swim bladder.
Speaker 3: It's why they have to constantly move. They lack a
Speaker 3: swim blatt. I stay still in the water because I
Speaker 3: was born with three swim bladders. Three I'm basically nothing
Speaker 3: but swim bladder. I really, I haven't feel like my
Speaker 3: Wikipedia page just changed.
Speaker 1: I was born with three swim blotters.
Speaker 3: But summer wasn't just about sharks.
Speaker 7: This may be the summer of shark scares, but on
Speaker 7: one New Hampshire beach, the scare came from a menacing
Speaker 7: bald eagle.
Speaker 3: What kind of a.
Speaker 15: Manner for sharks and alligators?
Speaker 8: Chilling tales of killer mosquitoes?
Speaker 3: Call the Sci Fi Network, pitch sharquitogator. There's a new
Speaker 3: species on the endangered list, man with multiple swim ladders. Look,
Speaker 3: I know, I know those years. I know, those years
Speaker 3: also featured the non scare predatory animal based stories. But
Speaker 3: Summer news Man, it was balanced. Like take the last
Speaker 3: year for example. Sure we may have had a little
Speaker 3: we are living in a dystopian nightmare where the government
Speaker 3: is watching and listening and storing everything you do. But
Speaker 3: we washed it down with a little delicious racism and
Speaker 3: gravy and a political sex scandal that spawned an international
Speaker 3: dance craze.
Speaker 1: That's what I'm talking about.
Speaker 3: I missed that guy, the guy in the Bouech shirt,
Speaker 3: Not the other guy.
Speaker 1: The other guy.
Speaker 3: I don't miss a bout with the bouch shirt, The
Speaker 3: Oliver guy, the English gume is that guy. He was
Speaker 3: my brain. The heat has mushed your brains. Where's this
Speaker 3: year's fresh Secret Identity Celebrity dick pic? Wait, Secret Identity
Speaker 3: Celebrity Dick pick. That'd be another great show to pitch to.
Speaker 3: What's that? Oh, Bravos already making it all right? Isn't
Speaker 3: anything innocuous threatening our shores this summer?
Speaker 15: A beach goer shot this video of a shark. You
Speaker 15: can see it wiggling there as it moves up to shore.
Speaker 3: That's what I'm talking about. Now we're into it. Now,
Speaker 3: we got something done. Dona Dan da Da da dad.
Speaker 15: Unfortunately, it was believe the shark was choking on a
Speaker 15: sea lion, because the shark died a short time later.
Speaker 3: Can't catch a break. This summer has been so depressing.
Speaker 3: The sharks are committing suicide.
Speaker 4: You know, there's so much arguing in America today, but
Speaker 4: we hear the Daily Show think they could be even
Speaker 4: more so.
Speaker 6: To do our part, here's Ronnie Chang with another installments
Speaker 6: of Proved Me Wrong.
Speaker 13: Ice Cream Vacations, Long Walks on the Beach, hte all
Speaker 13: that shit.
Speaker 5: We're gonna prove me wrong Summer edition. Summer is the
Speaker 5: worst season Proved me Wrong?
Speaker 15: Well, I would say summer is the season where everyone's
Speaker 15: the happiest. During the summer, everyone gets to come outside.
Speaker 5: Everybody's shirt turns into a test.
Speaker 15: But during the summer, when everyone's sweaty and grows, everyone's
Speaker 15: sweaty and gross. We're all equal during the summer.
Speaker 13: So you're making a Marxist argument for BO during summer.
Speaker 15: Yeah, pretty much.
Speaker 13: Yeah, sorry, this is the free world. The top one
Speaker 13: percent should not have BO.
Speaker 15: How do you smell?
Speaker 5: Go ahead, smell me, I dare you smell the shit
Speaker 5: right now? You smell like me?
Speaker 15: So you were the same.
Speaker 5: That's a compliments. Pulls are better than ocean's proved me wrong.
Speaker 1: Pulls are stinky.
Speaker 5: They have nasty people that go in there.
Speaker 1: They just get it.
Speaker 3: They funky bodies and it's sweaty cells and it's PLoP
Speaker 3: up in there.
Speaker 13: Yeah, you think people don't pee and poop in the ocean.
Speaker 13: It's not just people, by the way. You think whales
Speaker 13: are coming on land to take a ship, Yeah, if
Speaker 13: they want to, they're not. They're shitting in the ocean.
Speaker 13: It's whales, jellyfish, seals, it's off the pus, it's everything
Speaker 13: in there is just shitting into your mouth. Oceans are
Speaker 13: just poles that I'll try to kill you. The shock
Speaker 13: sightings have been here this last week.
Speaker 5: There's five, like, did you see the shark? No? Interesting? Interesting?
Speaker 13: Oh so your argument is I didn't see the sharks,
Speaker 13: so therefore the ocean is safe.
Speaker 5: Good luck out there.
Speaker 1: I've never seen a shark I myself, So.
Speaker 5: What you're shot? Denial? The get food from the from pools.
Speaker 13: Either there's no fish and pools, but in the ocean,
Speaker 13: I'd be sustaining myself fresh coconuts.
Speaker 5: Fresh fish.
Speaker 13: You can't eat anything near the ocean. Sand gets in it, Pooty,
Speaker 13: put your money where your mouth is.
Speaker 5: This is food.
Speaker 13: This is your food on the beach.
Speaker 7: Dude.
Speaker 5: Not good enough for you.
Speaker 13: Okay, I got some bad news for you. There's no
Speaker 13: protein in sand. Thanks for the fries.
Speaker 5: Thanks bro. Pigeons are better than seagulls. Prove me wrong.
Speaker 11: Pigeons are literal like rats with wings. Genetically they used
Speaker 11: to be white, but then out of like Darwinism and
Speaker 11: like after all these years, they actually turn black to
Speaker 11: adapt to like certain environments, and they're so gross.
Speaker 13: Why do you have to make this racial. I'll talk
Speaker 13: about pigeons as the seagulls, not why.
Speaker 11: You watch No, but it's like it's over time, like
Speaker 11: they start genetically they used to be white, but genetically
Speaker 11: over time they like people.
Speaker 5: Have been canceled for less than that, it goes a
Speaker 5: gross I don't be wrong with wire popsicles gross.
Speaker 13: I don't need to watch someone for late a dessert
Speaker 13: eating as er as gross enough.
Speaker 5: At least you can't deep throw it.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry.
Speaker 3: It prepares you for life.
Speaker 11: That's a lot of work and there's lots of instances
Speaker 11: where you have to do things similarly to eating a popsicle.
Speaker 5: You work in show business. No, but popsicles are good, man.
Speaker 16: You got all the different kinds of flavors, like what
Speaker 16: fifty to fifty bars?
Speaker 1: You got red an original pop sole, you got bomb pops.
Speaker 5: No, no, those are flavors. Okay, so you tell me
Speaker 5: what flavor that is.
Speaker 6: This is great and I absolutely love with Everybody hates
Speaker 6: on it, but it's so good.
Speaker 5: Grapes don't taste like that in real life. Okay.
Speaker 13: The guy who created the flavor grape clearly has never
Speaker 13: had a grape before.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 13: See, no, that's you ate it like a pelican. You
Speaker 13: didn't even chew it. How did you do that. It's
Speaker 13: sticking to your beard. Now.
Speaker 5: Oh oh that's so good.
Speaker 13: Yeah, see that's no man. Popsicles on gross? You are gross?
Speaker 1: What's wrong what you got against?
Speaker 5: Popsicles are messy? They make my head?
Speaker 1: Why you don't etre fast enough?
Speaker 7: Ye can't put it in your mouth fast enough?
Speaker 5: Why do you demonstrate right now?
Speaker 13: Oh yeah, okay, that's very experience.
Speaker 7: No mass, okay, no mass, you still have my lip
Speaker 7: closs on?
Speaker 5: Okay, you know what that was?
Speaker 13: Actually, as much as I want to hate on that,
Speaker 13: it's actually pretty impressive.
Speaker 5: I feel like you actually did prove me wrong.
Speaker 13: So you know what what's happening all right, is that.
Speaker 5: What I win?
Speaker 13: You get to wear the golden thong. You have now
Speaker 13: earned the right to take my place behind the prove
Speaker 13: you've clearly proven me wrong. That's what happens when you
Speaker 13: prove me wrong. No, you gotta take my place now.
Speaker 13: It's like highlander, You're right, now, take take my spot.
Speaker 7: It's summertime, that wonderful time of the y year when
Speaker 7: the sun is out, kids are playing, and I sweat
Speaker 7: so much my shirt turns into a map of the
Speaker 7: Middle East. My nipple is the Gods' strip, you don't
Speaker 7: want to go anywhere near it, and on the hottest
Speaker 7: days you have a few options. You can hydrate, you
Speaker 7: can stay indoors, or you could always go to the beach.
Speaker 1: But only if you want to die.
Speaker 9: Sharks summertime close encounters scarish hass feet from shore. In
Speaker 9: South Carolina, a shark in knee deep water just feet
Speaker 9: away from swimmers, and in New Jersey, a sixteen foot
Speaker 9: great white feasting on a bag of bait before swimming away.
Speaker 15: This year, Hawaii has already seen twice as many attacks
Speaker 15: as they did all of last year, and just last week,
Speaker 15: this great white was tracked near New York's Long Island.
Speaker 16: When a white shark bites a person, it is a
Speaker 16: mistake because it thinks.
Speaker 15: That that person is a sealed.
Speaker 7: Wait a minute, so a white sharks biting you, it's
Speaker 7: a mistake. But if a black shark gets caught with
Speaker 7: just a little bit of weed.
Speaker 1: It goes to jail for life. That doesn't seem fair.
Speaker 1: And also, what do you mean if I get.
Speaker 7: Bitten, it's because I look like a seal, So now
Speaker 7: I'm getting eaten and body shamed. Talk about adding insult
Speaker 7: to injury. And if you're thinking, no problem, I'll just
Speaker 7: stay in the shallow water where it's safe.
Speaker 1: Well, good luck, sucker.
Speaker 15: There are new concerns about rare but potentially deadly flesh
Speaker 15: eating bacteria found in warm waters.
Speaker 16: Potentially deadly bacteria can enter the body through a cutter
Speaker 16: of screen. According to the CDC, the bacteria causes eighty
Speaker 16: thousand illnesses and one hundred deaths in the US every year.
Speaker 15: Just pay attention.
Speaker 9: Don't be afraid of the ocean, but be aware of
Speaker 9: what's going on.
Speaker 1: Where it's bacteria. What am I supposed to do?
Speaker 7: Snorkele with a microscope, at least with a shark. I
Speaker 7: can hear the fin and the jaws music.
Speaker 1: I can see the fin.
Speaker 7: But flesh eating bacteria is a silent killer. Like Jason,
Speaker 7: It's what I've always respected about him. He's in it
Speaker 7: for the stabbing, not the hit shack. Also, what's with
Speaker 7: these bacteria? They never eat the flesh that I don't want.
Speaker 7: How about instead of my leg, why don't you guys
Speaker 7: take a nibble on my love handles. That way you
Speaker 7: still get to eat, and I don't look like a seal.
Speaker 7: So so it's dangerous in the water it's dangerous close
Speaker 7: to the water, and you think you're safe way up
Speaker 7: on the beach, you better duck.
Speaker 4: A warning about a surprising summer danger beach umbrellas flying
Speaker 4: through the.
Speaker 16: Air, seriously injuring beach goers.
Speaker 9: An Ocean City, Maryland in twenty fifteen. A bystander filming
Speaker 9: as the wind picks up these umbrellas and turns them
Speaker 9: into projectiles. The videos wild and the situations incredibly dangerous.
Speaker 15: Over the last ten years, there have been reports of
Speaker 15: over thirty two thousand injuries related to umbrellas across the country.
Speaker 7: Did you see that it's an umbrella uprising? We always
Speaker 7: thought it was gonna be the robots. We never suspected
Speaker 7: the umbrellas, and who can blame them for organizing?
Speaker 1: We treat them like shit. They only get pulled out.
Speaker 7: In the extreme heat of the rain. We're never like, oh,
Speaker 7: it's a beautiful day, my umbrella deserves a walk. But
Speaker 7: on the bus side, if you survive an umbrella impaling,
Speaker 7: at least you'll never need to buy sunscreen again. Sell
Speaker 7: whether it's sharks or bacteria or umbrellas, everything on the
Speaker 7: beach once you dead. But don't worry, kids, you can
Speaker 7: just simulate the experience at home. Just turn off your
Speaker 7: air conditioning, stand in the tub with a Pinut Colada,
Speaker 7: and shove a fistful of sand up your ass.
Speaker 1: Happy summer, everybody.
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Speaker 8: searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
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Speaker 1: This has been a Comedy Central podcast.
Speaker 5: Yew