Speaker 1: Portions of This American Laugh with Aristotle Attari and Andy Harris.
Speaker 1: The improvised documentary podcast are brought to you by listeners
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Speaker 1: knowing Random Sentence Generator, which inspires the stories you're about
Speaker 1: to hear. Yes, whenever you hear this sound, the next
Speaker 1: sentence you hear is a random sentence provided by our
Speaker 1: revered omnipotent Random Sentence Generator. Or more This American Laugh.
Speaker 1: Listened to more episodes of This American Laugh. I guess
Speaker 1: and now your first random sentence. As the asteroid hurdle Twitter,
Speaker 1: Becky was upset at Dennis appointment had been canceled. You've
Speaker 1: been trying to get in for over six months and
Speaker 1: aching togar mouth. It was the wisdom too, but she
Speaker 1: had long left inside of her chompers. I right, cruel.
Speaker 1: I want everyone to sound off. Jeremy, are you here? Yes? Scott?
Speaker 1: Are you here? Yes? Becky? Okay, you're here, and just
Speaker 1: say here please? Yeah, am here is the one here?
Speaker 1: Thank you. Listen, team, We've got an asteroid coming sight
Speaker 1: for us, and if we don't buckle down and focus, yeah,
Speaker 1: my tooth big Becky, this is something that you should
Speaker 1: have taken care of on your own. I've added in
Speaker 1: the books for six months. You know, nobody tell you
Speaker 1: to eat a damn candy? How does the asteroid no
Speaker 1: when you have a dentist appointment scheduled the candies there
Speaker 1: because that's all you guys have at the food truck. Okay,
Speaker 1: we're wasting valuable tyrant. What do you want me to do?
Speaker 1: I want you to just say here when I do
Speaker 1: roll call, and then I want you to just listen
Speaker 1: to my instructions. Is that so hard? Yes? I'm here,
Speaker 1: and I wish I wasn't the only dynamite expert in
Speaker 1: this group. We need you personally. I wish that you
Speaker 1: weren't the only one too. But that's the way that
Speaker 1: it is. My tooth, Becky, can you just please, can
Speaker 1: you power through the tooth? Please? I'm empowering through a
Speaker 1: lot deal. Well, you know what added to we could
Speaker 1: talk about this offline whatever we're done knocking this asteroid
Speaker 1: out of the sky. What does the offline mean for you?
Speaker 1: We're talking like now in front of people. I talk
Speaker 1: about like sidebar, Yes, a sidebar. This arguments, this is
Speaker 1: derailing the subject. Sure is all right, here we go.
Speaker 1: First thing we're going to do is do you have
Speaker 1: the dynamite ready at least Becky, Yeah, my job. Okay,
Speaker 1: we're going to gather the dynamite. We're going to put
Speaker 1: it inside the missile, and then we're going to a
Speaker 1: much straight up. I thought, beck A, what's wrong? No,
Speaker 1: continue what you're gonna say? You just like you don't
Speaker 1: know what we're gonna do, do you. We're passing it
Speaker 1: along to me. Of course, Fish, you're gonna said, we're
Speaker 1: gonna do it. We're gonna the missile. I think you asteroid.
Speaker 1: I thought I was going to throw a piece of
Speaker 1: dynamite at the asteroid. That's what the whole plan was.
Speaker 1: I know, I played a little ball in color. You
Speaker 1: could throw dynamite all the way up to a fast
Speaker 1: roid could when I was in college. That's the plan,
Speaker 1: because that buys me another three weeks, get my tooth.
Speaker 1: Thing we droned have two or three weeks. Yes, Lang
Speaker 1: right towards the earth currently. I know that, Dale, we
Speaker 1: all know that. But if he can, if the aster
Speaker 1: gets close enough for him to throw the dynamite at it,
Speaker 1: then they're the problem is solved. Duh, that's highly unusual,
Speaker 1: highly irregular, and highly unorthodox. Highly none of those things
Speaker 1: they've made, like four movies do about the same thing.
Speaker 1: Throwing dynamite and an asteroid back. I think that that's
Speaker 1: throbbing tooth for yards. It's really kind of breaking your focus.
Speaker 1: You're mis remembering what's happened in movies throughout history. Misogynistic
Speaker 1: if you ask me, well, you never told me I
Speaker 1: misremembered anything. I just remember all the time. Misogynistic. Alright,
Speaker 1: the only person you remember misremembering is me, Becky, not
Speaker 1: you Dale, not me Scott Peterson. I just want to apologize.
Speaker 1: I don't need apology has anytime. Once we knocked this
Speaker 1: asteroid out of the sky, Scot throwing the dynamite, were
Speaker 1: tempting to throw the dynamite. Becky had he is number one,
Speaker 1: they've world at number two. As the weeks went on,
Speaker 1: they promised to take care of the lining asteroid. Kept
Speaker 1: delaying and delaying so that she can get in the
Speaker 1: doctors up. I think, get the tooth thing care of.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get it done, okay. But we got lucky
Speaker 1: because the asteroids circumnavigated the Earth and it stayed in
Speaker 1: the sky temporarily a little longer than we interseparated. That's
Speaker 1: part of my plan originally. Are we still here? Like,
Speaker 1: that's part of my plan is to survive? Are we
Speaker 1: still here? Thank you? A little misogynistic, a little bit,
Speaker 1: A little bit, you know what, I could call out
Speaker 1: the man too. You promised that you were going to
Speaker 1: throw the dynamite up to the sky and knock that
Speaker 1: asteroid out of the sky. Need to convinted around the world.
Speaker 1: It's like I said it would. Thank you, Scott Peterson.
Speaker 1: You woke about a dollar for every time I heard
Speaker 1: someone out of the words thank you. Scott Peterson, you
Speaker 1: have six dollars anyway. All right, well listen, the asteroid
Speaker 1: is coming towards us again. Yeah, so what is your plan?
Speaker 1: My plan is, when it gets into the orbit within
Speaker 1: throwing range of Scott's arm, we're gonna throw the dynamite.
Speaker 1: It's gonna be wrapped around a football and he's gonna
Speaker 1: throw it right down the middle and then you know,
Speaker 1: and I'm a detonate from here. Okay, Now, way, we
Speaker 1: don't have to spend so much money on radio detonation
Speaker 1: because now it's just gonna be within distance, like a radio,
Speaker 1: like a race car, like a little RC race card.
Speaker 1: But it's gonna be like a poem that blows up. Look,
Speaker 1: I gotta go get my teeth, take care of fine.
Speaker 1: Two days later, so back, we're gonna cram all that
Speaker 1: galls in your mouth. I thought, well, zagines there, How
Speaker 1: how was that you never supposed the question how much
Speaker 1: galls a woman? Hasn't I read this book called Lean In,
Speaker 1: and even though it's a book for women, it taught
Speaker 1: me a lot about things too. That's why I keep
Speaker 1: calling you out, sir. It's not York numbers now much.
Speaker 1: This is this American lab. I mean, I was sorry
Speaker 1: with producer Andy, especially against contributor for this episode is
Speaker 1: Harold Tart and our show. We're using a trustee sentence
Speaker 1: generator to bring you a story and react. This week's
Speaker 1: name Armageddon. It was us Act one. She could hear
Speaker 1: him in the shower, singing with the joy she hoped
Speaker 1: he'd retain after she delivered the news, which was that's
Speaker 1: so great. He's been holding onto this bad news for
Speaker 1: at least a week until she was ready to give
Speaker 1: it to him. And then there he was listening from
Speaker 1: the shower dripping wet Shady gave him the dude the
Speaker 1: happiest man on earth. That's me. Yah, we need to talk.
Speaker 1: That was that too? Okay? It bad? Good song? Okay, um,
Speaker 1: it's under mine. But you remember that trip that I
Speaker 1: went on with Michael Friend to Detroit to Detroit. Yeah,
Speaker 1: do you remember I said that I was a big
Speaker 1: Detroit Lions fan. Yes? And then you remember when I
Speaker 1: went to the Detroit Lions fand Club party. Oh the
Speaker 1: party that was that was organized by the president of
Speaker 1: the Detroit Lions stand club Detroit Lions. But Herr Sanders.
Speaker 1: Did he sign your football? He did more than just
Speaker 1: sim I have no he signed your Detroit Lions pennant.
Speaker 1: Oh that's great, dude. Did you keep it? But he
Speaker 1: didn't fold it up? Did you? Because it's worth less
Speaker 1: if it's folded. He did more than just signed my
Speaker 1: Detroit Lions. Then did he take a selfie with you
Speaker 1: and Rebecca? We took some selfies and yeah, Rebecca was there.
Speaker 1: Well can I see him? Did you post them there online?
Speaker 1: It's in your phone, It's on a website, which is
Speaker 1: another part of the thing that I have to tell you. Okay,
Speaker 1: just tell me the website. I'm gonna log in right now.
Speaker 1: Watch the video. So it's w W W okay w
Speaker 1: n A S dot No, I'm giving you all t
Speaker 1: now www dot oh yeah, thank you. W go ahead
Speaker 1: www dot n A S T Y M A g
Speaker 1: I E dot um c U M nasty Maggie dot com.
Speaker 1: Wait a minute, I'm nasty, Maggie. That's the whole life,
Speaker 1: be living, Maggy. Sorry, no, you know what. This might
Speaker 1: be self tortured, but I want to see what's on
Speaker 1: this website. Go for it. Get on the website. You
Speaker 1: have a credit card? Can I borrow you credit card?
Speaker 1: Real quick? No, you got to use yours. My credit
Speaker 1: card is all the way in my wallets over by
Speaker 1: the flowers that I got you, the welcome home flowers.
Speaker 1: He decided, great card walked all the way to the flowers,
Speaker 1: and it's wallet that is gred card all the way
Speaker 1: back taft in all the numbers. It was a long
Speaker 1: Discover card number. And he charged himself body nine ninety
Speaker 1: nine a month in a right. I can't believe that
Speaker 1: you got to meet Barry Sanders. What was he like?
Speaker 1: You're not not about this? I mean yes, I'm curious,
Speaker 1: But what is he like? Just tell me he's nice.
Speaker 1: He's while I packed my things. You tell me what
Speaker 1: he was like. He was nice, he was very gentle, tender,
Speaker 1: he was and he was very wrong. Somebody's at the door.
Speaker 1: You know what? Put a pin in that. I'm not
Speaker 1: I get that reaction every time, Mr Sanders, welcome. Please.
Speaker 1: I gave in our address because I don't know if
Speaker 1: you write the comments of the videos, people really liked it.
Speaker 1: That's how I pay for our home. Is there going
Speaker 1: to be a part two of the video? That's what
Speaker 1: he's here for. I also brought you a box of
Speaker 1: fresh peaches from a fruit stand side of the road.
Speaker 1: Did you tell them I love peaches? I did. You're
Speaker 1: a good listener, You're so thoughtful, but you're still in trouble,
Speaker 1: young lady. Do you mind if I cut one of
Speaker 1: these up. I'm a little hungry. It's been a long
Speaker 1: ride in Detroit one too. Yeah, you do some comfort
Speaker 1: food right about now? What do you keeping knives in
Speaker 1: the knife drawer? That's the third one from the left
Speaker 1: that I was gonna have to guess I can went
Speaker 1: from the right. Quod Scenarios, then named Kevin have you
Speaker 1: just established now sitting with his wife's leather eating peaches?
Speaker 1: The shock he was okay with being what they call that?
Speaker 1: Is that a cut? Cold? Is that what it's called?
Speaker 1: You might produce it, Andy, Oh, yes, yes, that is
Speaker 1: what that's called. Cold. Yes, I don't know if you're
Speaker 1: much of a cheese guy, but peaches with virata and
Speaker 1: a little bit of basil. Delicious. He is a lovely man,
Speaker 1: but that doesn't make it any less less hurtful. I'll
Speaker 1: tell you what Barry Sanders before you tell me? Huh?
Speaker 1: Do you think heartbreakingly delicious? So there's another part of this.
Speaker 1: So we were wondering if you would be interested and
Speaker 1: also investing in his restaurant. No, no, I'm not going
Speaker 1: to invest it. What kind of restaurants? Is standard American affair?
Speaker 1: With an Italian twist? Oh? Those are my two favorite jobs.
Speaker 1: Tell him the name? Oh, yes, okay, I'm passing it
Speaker 1: off to you. Yeah, I'm Barry's Bootcamp. Barry's Bootcamp, Yeah,
Speaker 1: a little bit. Oh it legally because there's another Berry?
Speaker 1: Is there? Is there's another Berry? Is there? Barry Obama?
Speaker 1: Who runs the other one? And you would be a
Speaker 1: majority owner? Really at least, at least, that's how kind
Speaker 1: I am. Very least. It's the least I could do
Speaker 1: after what I did to your wife on camera several times,
Speaker 1: which is earning us money. Yeah. Hi, um, I am
Speaker 1: formerly the husband of the bride um who was invited
Speaker 1: here to uh to make a toast. Wow. I never
Speaker 1: thought this day would come say something. Rebecca, Rebecca my
Speaker 1: ex wife, nasty Maggie's I'm sorry, right, nasty Maggie. I
Speaker 1: can't believe you did this. But if there had to
Speaker 1: be somebody that you did this with, I'm just glad
Speaker 1: it was Hall of Fame running back former Detroit Lions
Speaker 1: star Bear Sanders. Somebody cutting onions in here because I'm
Speaker 1: getting teary eyed. Hey, you've become one of my best
Speaker 1: friends over this process. Me. No, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: we've we've shared so much, so many things, so many women. Also,
Speaker 1: I am catting onions asking me Sandy, Yeah, you hired
Speaker 1: me because I wouldn't American restaurant with a tun of Swiss. Yes,
Speaker 1: that's the chef. Thank you so much. I'm going back
Speaker 1: to it, coming back, and I want what if I
Speaker 1: started not ba? Oh my god, you don't remember me
Speaker 1: telling you do not to cot to the onion in
Speaker 1: the front of the guests, across proximity to the guests,
Speaker 1: and now you got them crying and complaining about he's
Speaker 1: also my most you've keeping a foot in the kitchen.
Speaker 1: You guys, okay, no, do you want to start to
Speaker 1: do my job. I didn't know this was gonna turn said,
Speaker 1: I want to apologize, and I behaven beneath you. I
Speaker 1: tell him many times not to go ahead and chopping up.
Speaker 1: I didn't front the guests in close proximity to the
Speaker 1: but but you do it anyway. I actually like it.
Speaker 1: One thing that I like represented at my wedding is
Speaker 1: Italian hard work. Thank you. I'm come do this country
Speaker 1: with nothing in my pocket but a thousand dollars. That's it.
Speaker 1: And that's not a ton of money. And it's not
Speaker 1: that's a lot of money here nothing in New York.
Speaker 1: Not in New York. You can run out of that
Speaker 1: money at any time. Oh yeah, it's most diffinite. Because
Speaker 1: I also love to go to the ship clubs. It's
Speaker 1: a problem. That's a problem. It's a problem, which is
Speaker 1: why I have a job now so that I can
Speaker 1: work on the photonomy sound it's got an onions and
Speaker 1: avoid going to strippers. You like strip clubs, you like work,
Speaker 1: Why not work a strict club? Why not working a
Speaker 1: strip club? I never thought a diese. The buffet is
Speaker 1: at the strip club. It's a very onion heavy food
Speaker 1: most of the time. And the way you cut those onions.
Speaker 1: And I know you can do other things. I hired
Speaker 1: you at my restaurant. You know other things I canna
Speaker 1: do well. I love your Italian hamburger, Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: What got me the joba? Yes? I love your Italian pizza,
Speaker 1: which is Italian American style pizza with the American cheese
Speaker 1: and the catch up and the lunchables the lunch Yes,
Speaker 1: the lunchables pizza, Yes, yes, love that. That also goes
Speaker 1: to me. The jobra. That's what did it for me.
Speaker 1: When you laid out all those plates. I said, I
Speaker 1: wought this guy at Barry's Bluecap. Yes. I think we
Speaker 1: could go into business together. And I've got a person
Speaker 1: who would love to invest in this business. It's my
Speaker 1: old buddy who used to be married to my wife.
Speaker 1: As long as I can have at least a fifty
Speaker 1: one percent share in the company, I will follow you
Speaker 1: into the gates of help. Mr Barry Sanders, I'm about
Speaker 1: fifty two percent. He's a confusing love triangle, butter like it.
Speaker 1: This is the greatest and also the worst day of
Speaker 1: my life. Mr Bud, Please this is going to work
Speaker 1: for me to go to street Club. You'll be working there,
Speaker 1: so you can come out and tars onions at all
Speaker 1: the ladies. Alright, alright, come out on the s got
Speaker 1: some man, get those that those highly higging them high,
Speaker 1: and I'll get those audience highly get the first. He
Speaker 1: loves the way con siptually. It's a really good the idea. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I love the idea. Come, I like a quart onions.
Speaker 1: Many onions are throwing sack like that. It's a problem.
Speaker 1: I can't cut the audience. And that's a fast what
Speaker 1: when we first went into this business together, you told
Speaker 1: me that you could cut onions faster than anybody this
Speaker 1: side of the Italian Mississippi or so I like it.
Speaker 1: I can't cut you out now because we actually went
Speaker 1: into this business together, and I do have steak legally.
Speaker 1: I know you bought the building to hide all the
Speaker 1: girls a lot of win into this concert, which to
Speaker 1: me was ready paper thin. If you ask me, But
Speaker 1: I win with it because it's just three purts, And
Speaker 1: I said, okay, strip Away where you cut onions and
Speaker 1: put ingredients of subway sandwiches on the cut the curse alright,
Speaker 1: That was welcome to strip Way. And uh, first of all,
Speaker 1: I want to apologize for some my anthers onions coming
Speaker 1: in so cold. I apologize on Belicio's behalf for his
Speaker 1: inability to get those us on the stage faster. Nah,
Speaker 1: I've been assured by Anicio that Cassandra comes up, He's
Speaker 1: gonna up on the stage as fast as you have.
Speaker 1: Our seas always a gentleman. Put your hairs together and
Speaker 1: get those always high on the air for the sound.
Speaker 1: Ram trying to be rolling this right, but find using
Speaker 1: there the old old line in the work you sids
Speaker 1: fine makes you offline for just a minute. Sure, what
Speaker 1: the hell, man, cod don't you what's up? Todd? But
Speaker 1: I thought that you said that you were going to
Speaker 1: go help. You're going to practice awesome thuds on the stage.
Speaker 1: You're gonna get the stage licking sweat. You're told me
Speaker 1: was the problem, Lisa time. The oldest flow was all
Speaker 1: objects faster. That was welcome to strap Way. When the
Speaker 1: girl's getting free longer, longer, longer, like me might say,
Speaker 1: I was to my wol ceo faster than I could say, Well,
Speaker 1: these name Malco. He's the first time, I'm the last time.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I'm beat off for more than that. Control
Speaker 1: I'll go okay, I stay God, God, thank God, Okay.
Speaker 1: Coming up back to the first the word from our
Speaker 1: esteemed sponsors, stay with us, act to the interview. Thank
Speaker 1: you for coming, Thank you for having me, Army, this
Speaker 1: is great. How long have you been listening to the show.
Speaker 1: I've been listening to the show since I first received
Speaker 1: the episode, which was when August of I think I
Speaker 1: heard him. Do you remember what happened in that episode?
Speaker 1: It happened? What happened in that episode? Your favorite? Your
Speaker 1: favorite part of that episode? Let me thank you. Let
Speaker 1: me think that episode I heard three bears putting on
Speaker 1: a show. Are you talking about like the animatronic bears? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I think we have that in our archives. It is
Speaker 1: yet is pretty rock and roll rock. Are you ready
Speaker 1: to rock it roll? Wait a minute, have you seen
Speaker 1: our least player? Hello? Boom boom boom booming. I'm firstday birthday.
Speaker 1: It wasn't a very good. Now it wasn't make much sense.
Speaker 1: It's a little I made that episode. I was anybody
Speaker 1: that about Yeah, tell us about yourself but from I'm
Speaker 1: from Pascagoula, Mississippi originally, but I grew up here in
Speaker 1: Los Angeles, California, but part of California West l A. Nice.
Speaker 1: When I clean you're a comedian, I am. Tell us
Speaker 1: about your comedy background. I started at the Second City
Speaker 1: two years, uh, and and then I went over to
Speaker 1: UCB performing there for a while. Nice performed in Amsterdam
Speaker 1: for a while with this group called Boom Chicago, very
Speaker 1: very well renowned Boom Chicago. Yeah, sure, I love it.
Speaker 1: I love that. One of the best in the world,
Speaker 1: the second best besides us. Yeah. Uh, how long will
Speaker 1: you in Amsterdam? Just for one year? Did you partake
Speaker 1: in any of that? Any of the accoutrem all he
Speaker 1: describes movie for us, Dutch food is pretty disgusting. There's
Speaker 1: women there, there's the red light district. There's coffee shops
Speaker 1: that serve marijuana. What's the red light? What does that mean?
Speaker 1: I did not partaking any of that. Number One, the
Speaker 1: marijuana is better in Los Angeles, Yes, really, Oh absolutely,
Speaker 1: Reggie over there, mid we we actually have you trying
Speaker 1: some of the marijuana in Amsterdam in our archives. Yeah, alright,
Speaker 1: let's here. I'm Dutch person, so this is me giving
Speaker 1: him marijuana. Alright, let's try I help you like it? Now,
Speaker 1: Hold on, yo, Yos is your name? My name is Yos? Yes,
Speaker 1: now you know, yes, that I'm from California, California. You're
Speaker 1: telling me earlier almost Snoop Dogg, most Snoop Dogg. And
Speaker 1: you said you grew up in West Los Angeles, Los Angeles, California.
Speaker 1: I don't serve me no bullshit as wet. Okay, just
Speaker 1: going to your hired dofter, and Peter's going too, I
Speaker 1: know before. Yeah, okay, you better blow my head off.
Speaker 1: It off your head. This is called nighttime Armageddon, and
Speaker 1: it will blow your head clean off of your buddies.
Speaker 1: And it's like what do you call in the counter,
Speaker 1: maybe whichever one is the scarier one. This is what's
Speaker 1: time released hybrid. So it starts out with some indica, yes,
Speaker 1: and then by the time your sleep again. Okay, all right,
Speaker 1: let's see here we go. He did it? Do we
Speaker 1: need to call line one one? Absolutely not? What she
Speaker 1: was weak man? Wow, I'm telling you now that I'm
Speaker 1: not appreciate this your attitude about our marijuana here. Business
Speaker 1: has been here for a long time. We should give
Speaker 1: him this stronger one. Give it to me. One is
Speaker 1: called sweet fancy Christ Christ Christ Christ May will blow
Speaker 1: your head clean off of your shoulders into the street,
Speaker 1: and you will have to run into street togather your
Speaker 1: head and put it back onto your body. That is
Speaker 1: how we go another week one? Now, what is going
Speaker 1: on over here? What is going on with you? I'm
Speaker 1: an American. I think that we should give him the
Speaker 1: strongiest one we have fellas. I don't think he's working
Speaker 1: out here. Let me just get one of these strope
Speaker 1: waffles and milk. I don't want to try the third one.
Speaker 1: We can try it. We can try it. I won't
Speaker 1: be rude. I won't be rude because I know what
Speaker 1: you'll think about Americans they started. One is called rancid face,
Speaker 1: runsid face. It will blow your head. You will be
Speaker 1: launching your head into the skies and you will have
Speaker 1: to get in a spiceship and go up to the
Speaker 1: sky and get your head. And then you will have
Speaker 1: to take the head and put it big you want,
Speaker 1: don't hear me out. All right, you will have to
Speaker 1: retrieve your head. You would double check nic shut at
Speaker 1: your head and not somebody else's who may have also
Speaker 1: tried ransom face. But then you see, yes, this see
Speaker 1: is my head. You come back to art, you put
Speaker 1: it back on your it's very strong. Try it all right,
Speaker 1: there you go. Oh this ship stinks and it was
Speaker 1: like rancid face. All right, once again, my head is
Speaker 1: still on my body. Music clear that the lead that
Speaker 1: was being sold that this we cafe wasn't anywhere close
Speaker 1: to what Carl Tird had had in west End. That's
Speaker 1: what we're as I was training it at. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: so Carl, tell us more about your escapades as a comedian.
Speaker 1: That was the most interesting experience I have. But since then,
Speaker 1: you know, written on a couple of shows run on
Speaker 1: Matt TV. You know a few people maybe, but y'all
Speaker 1: know you know, uh Colton done, yes, call and done.
Speaker 1: This is my guy. Very good guy, have very funny,
Speaker 1: very good guy, very funny. I wrote on Ghosted and
Speaker 1: with Craig Robinson and Adam Scott wrote on Brooklyn nine nine.
Speaker 1: For a while, I wrote on I added you even
Speaker 1: hear about us? How to hear about y'all. Yeah, I've
Speaker 1: been wanting to get on this show since I heard
Speaker 1: it for the first time. I didn't want to be here.
Speaker 1: I have been as soon as I heard this, I said,
Speaker 1: I need to be there to tell my story. What
Speaker 1: are you waking on these days? I just got done
Speaker 1: with the Keenan Show Keenan starring Keenan Thompson, Chris Red. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know those got those couple of dudes and uh,
Speaker 1: then I I just filmed my own show that I'm
Speaker 1: an actor on, called Grand Crew, which will be on
Speaker 1: Tuesday nights on NBC starting in December fourteen. Previous guest
Speaker 1: for that show, Yes, Break is the home Girl. I'm
Speaker 1: very impressed. I feel like you're the most qualified guests
Speaker 1: we've ever had. Oh, that's nice of you to say
Speaker 1: on the show. You do that all kinds of wow. No, no,
Speaker 1: it slight. Those people they're really great. I don't remember who.
Speaker 1: Any of them are definitely more qualified than me. That's
Speaker 1: hoping to be able to make this about myself. You
Speaker 1: usually do, do you have any hobbies? Hobbies? Okay, this
Speaker 1: this is gonna be this is exclusive. I haven't talked
Speaker 1: about this because but It's been a hobby that I've
Speaker 1: been doing for a long time. I started it right
Speaker 1: before the pandemic. I am a DJ nice and uh
Speaker 1: also I do a lot of podcasting and I like
Speaker 1: to play basketball and baseball. I used to like to
Speaker 1: play football, but and that is addie like doing the
Speaker 1: DJ and thing. It's really fun. What kind of music
Speaker 1: do you usually play? You know? I am a big
Speaker 1: fan of nineteen eighties like R and B, A wave
Speaker 1: style music. I don't like my brain into like techno
Speaker 1: kind of like have its music, you know, I just learned.
Speaker 1: I just recently completed the house level at the DJ
Speaker 1: school I go to and it was very very hard,
Speaker 1: and it was it was very it was very hard.
Speaker 1: It was very hard level. So I don't think I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be spending no house music because like that, trying
Speaker 1: to match the beats, be matching in the house is
Speaker 1: tough because a lot of them don't have steady bp
Speaker 1: ms and also they don't have like you know, like
Speaker 1: in a hip hop song on R and B song
Speaker 1: or country song or rock song. You got your eight,
Speaker 1: you're sixteen and eight, and you know where to you
Speaker 1: know where to beat match, you know where to drop
Speaker 1: in you know where do that type of stuff with
Speaker 1: the house music. A lot of those songs don't have you.
Speaker 1: It's really about listening and mapping out the song the
Speaker 1: house and I don't. I'm I'm lazy. Who is your teacher?
Speaker 1: His name is DJ Red Maddock. He's one of the
Speaker 1: world famous be junkies. Is that for the house music?
Speaker 1: That's wrong? And also DJ Dynamics that we actually have
Speaker 1: your DJ school your exam for the mixing house music.
Speaker 1: Apparently there's a you had a classmate use trying to
Speaker 1: cheat on your on your tests. We have that we
Speaker 1: have Yeah, okay, hey what are you doing for your tests? Hey?
Speaker 1: Eyes on your own turntables? Dude, whatever, Dude, listen, man,
Speaker 1: I just want to know, like, look, my parents put
Speaker 1: me in this. This is my last chance. If I
Speaker 1: don't do well in this class and or just school,
Speaker 1: I get kicked out. I'm going straight to skateboarders school, man,
Speaker 1: And I don't want that. That seems like to fit
Speaker 1: more your vibe. Why why don't you want to do that?
Speaker 1: Because I don't want I don't want to go to
Speaker 1: skateboarder school. Kidding me, that's for losers. I want to
Speaker 1: be a teacher. Listen, man, you can't copy off of
Speaker 1: what I'm doing. I'm already struggling with this level very much.
Speaker 1: Excuse me, less chit chatting, moss, studying faws and beat
Speaker 1: matching test. Thank you, teacher Frouds like sacking asshole. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I can't stand her. She's she's terrible, but she's really
Speaker 1: talented though, thank you. Also, her ears are insane, her ears,
Speaker 1: she hears everything that no, I'm look at my dog, dude,
Speaker 1: because I need to be original. Okay, I tried to
Speaker 1: pick four songs that nobody else will pick in this class.
Speaker 1: Originality is a fucking concepts not even real, dude. Have
Speaker 1: you ever seen her that YouTube videos called everything is Remixed?
Speaker 1: What am I hearing? I am hearing whispering. You think
Speaker 1: I don't hear it, but I hear it study fussy
Speaker 1: bit matching exam. Dr. Yes, I got a question for you.
Speaker 1: How have you maintained this level of hearing after being
Speaker 1: in so many clubs for all these years and with
Speaker 1: all those loud speakers. You hear everything that's your deals
Speaker 1: like you just kiss ask and let's say you get
Speaker 1: all good grades. So stop it. I'm not kissing nobody's ass.
Speaker 1: Can I just say, Carl? This is your name, right, Carl?
Speaker 1: That's it. I really appreciate students like you. You could
Speaker 1: all stand to take a page from Carl's playbook. Kiss up, study, hard,
Speaker 1: matches it beats, get out, listen, talk. I talk to
Speaker 1: you over here for us. You just made me think
Speaker 1: of something. Shot the Dark you want to like grab food? Sometimes?
Speaker 1: I thought you'll never ask. I know it's inappropriate. We
Speaker 1: can wait until I graduate. It is frowned pan to
Speaker 1: today students during the term. However, once you graduate we
Speaker 1: can do with move on. How old are you Saturday nine? Okay?
Speaker 1: Do I look older? I mean yeah? Your vibe is
Speaker 1: older than that? Is it? Yeah? And I'm a bit
Speaker 1: of a gray chaser. Well I've got good news for you.
Speaker 1: There is some gray. Three months later, Hello, Hi, I
Speaker 1: need to talk to Mrs DJ Froud teacher teacher frown
Speaker 1: This is DJ Froud teacher fraud speaking. Who may I
Speaker 1: for me? Asking? Who is calling me? My name is
Speaker 1: Leslie Tart. You know who I am, ma'am shotting the Dark?
Speaker 1: Are your related pool? I'm caring? Carl? Yeah, no, what
Speaker 1: is this about? Are you having sex? With my son.
Speaker 1: Currently the answer is no teacher a pen into jail. Wow,
Speaker 1: that was yeah, called what should we look out for
Speaker 1: beside the TV show? My group, The Big Team will
Speaker 1: be at sketch Fest. We are formerly known as white Women.
Speaker 1: We are now called the Big Team. Will be at
Speaker 1: sketch Fest on January eight at the Gateway Theater in
Speaker 1: San Francisco, San Francisco sketch Fest. Why did I say that?
Speaker 1: S F sketch Fest, San Francisco sketch Fest January eight,
Speaker 1: ten p m. At the Gateway Theater. So you're gonna
Speaker 1: be in that area. Pull up bonus like Sketch Fest,
Speaker 1: but also watch Grand Crew Tuesday nights at eight o'clock NBC.
Speaker 1: Grand Crew Tuesday nights, NBC eight pm, seven seventh be there.
Speaker 1: Thank you called Tight for taking the time to h
Speaker 1: come to our studio and grace us with your presidents.
Speaker 1: Thank you for having me. Who are you texting right now?
Speaker 1: Nobody coming up? Act three, But first the word from
Speaker 1: our sponsors who make this high quality program possible. Stay
Speaker 1: with us. At three. He had a vague sense that
Speaker 1: the cheese gave birth to dinosaurs. At least this was
Speaker 1: the logic. He was running with you just got in
Speaker 1: a job as a history teacher. Didn't have any credentials.
Speaker 1: He lied on his transcripts in his resume. But yeah,
Speaker 1: there he was eating seventh grade history. Alright, class, we're gonna, oh,
Speaker 1: we're gonna get started. Let's see seventh grade history. I
Speaker 1: think this day would come. You're sweating a lot. Mr
Speaker 1: t Please you can call me h, Mr terrenceman Um,
Speaker 1: Mr Chen, these aren't warm. Those aren't warm. In January
Speaker 1: warm in here, pretty warm. So you got sweat stains
Speaker 1: in your pitts and your because I'm warm. I just
Speaker 1: can't believe you fellows aren't warm. It's warm. Mr Freezing. Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: I can't go to bathroom. Um, I don't know, can you? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I canna go to bathroom to please? Oh? Why why
Speaker 1: do you both have to use the bathroom in the
Speaker 1: same Wait, you're not you're not trying to skip class
Speaker 1: because I see him a little green? Are you? Are you?
Speaker 1: That's not why we're trying to skip plays. No, he
Speaker 1: said skip class. I actually have to go to bathroom.
Speaker 1: I'll tell you what. Let me let me get through
Speaker 1: the first first couple of minutes of my lesson. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna go use the bathroom while you do that first
Speaker 1: part of this and then what Yeah, well that's not
Speaker 1: what I said that. Wait where you going? No, don't
Speaker 1: don't no, don't go, Please don't go. If you let
Speaker 1: him go, I gotta go. Can I talk to you
Speaker 1: up here at my desk for just one moment? Class, everybody,
Speaker 1: just hang tight, real quick, real quick, just gonna have
Speaker 1: a little combu station with here with my with with
Speaker 1: your fellow student here. What is it, Mr Tarance? Okay, listen,
Speaker 1: I don't have much time. What kind of things are
Speaker 1: you expecting a history teach you to teach you on
Speaker 1: a day like today? Well, of course today is dinosaur
Speaker 1: day and I needs to know where they came from
Speaker 1: because I just can't understand it. How did they get here?
Speaker 1: I know we came dinosaurs. Dinosaurs came from? Thank you
Speaker 1: like to see? Please gonna get started, I said, I
Speaker 1: gotta go to the bathroom. I gotta I'll let you,
Speaker 1: I'll let you go, I'll let you go in just
Speaker 1: R Tarnce all right? Today dinosaurs you're so so scary, right,
Speaker 1: so scary? Where did dinosaurs come from? How did they
Speaker 1: get made of? Dying? Oh? Hello, go down one second class. Everybody,
Speaker 1: just thank tight to somebody said the Mr Terence can
Speaker 1: stay outside. Get class one moment. Okay, I'm gonna continue
Speaker 1: my my compelling lists. Don't worry. He's not in trouble.
Speaker 1: Oh he gets to leave, but I can't go to
Speaker 1: the mass morta. Don't messing me right now? All right,
Speaker 1: fair enough, sit down, Please don't hassle Martinez. He's really
Speaker 1: helping me out of a jam today. Yes, Mr Galvinston,
Speaker 1: what can I do? When I hired you to be
Speaker 1: a history teacher here? You told me you went to Harvard,
Speaker 1: You told me you went to Dinosaurs School, and you
Speaker 1: don't know anything about anything. And we've been watching from
Speaker 1: from afar. We you know, we do have cameras in
Speaker 1: the classes, so we have been watching the lesson plans
Speaker 1: that you're putting out. Alright, listen, education in history not
Speaker 1: be rushed, okay, and has to be eased into by
Speaker 1: the student. And that's what I'm doing. I'm easing into
Speaker 1: the day's lesson. Just because I'm not covering everything right
Speaker 1: away doesn't mean I don't know what I Listen to me,
Speaker 1: Mr Karen Tower, do you got a week to get
Speaker 1: these students into shape. That dinosaur test is coming. If
Speaker 1: they don't score above what they're supposed to score as
Speaker 1: the district requirements. As far as there are dinosaur education,
Speaker 1: you're out of a job, you understand. And then I
Speaker 1: gotta put these kids, and I gotta put them back
Speaker 1: in the grade of there and which is seventh grade.
Speaker 1: In seventh grade, corent Eton out. Okay, we cut to
Speaker 1: that exam. It's easy, easy, it is. You taught us
Speaker 1: everything we need to know. Justsur dinosaurs came from tree.
Speaker 1: The sap nutted out of the tree and created dinosaur.
Speaker 1: That what I said, You told us what I told,
Speaker 1: you said the tree that it sap okay created I
Speaker 1: don't think. Oh god, Mr Gason, we got the results
Speaker 1: of all the test. Look, the kids scored tremendously well, Sands,
Speaker 1: this one kid Martinez, We're gonna just completely Agnorea one,
Speaker 1: but everybody else. But here's the problem. Yeah, we think
Speaker 1: they cheated. Yeah, no, there's no way these kids know
Speaker 1: that much about dinosaurs. They clearly cheated, and we think
Speaker 1: you helped them. There's a district representative you're with me
Speaker 1: to Mr Schwartzman Swatch Mgnaia District and representation again. I
Speaker 1: talk to you guys for a second. Which one both
Speaker 1: of you in the district representative? Yeah? Mr Gason and
Speaker 1: Mr Swartzman. My name is Alfredo Martinez. Yeah, we know
Speaker 1: who you are. Oh great, hey, watching you for a while. So.
Speaker 1: I know it's a little early, it's only seventh grade,
Speaker 1: but I'm really interested in going to college, really, and
Speaker 1: I feel like, thanks to the teaching that I've gotten
Speaker 1: from Mr Terrence Howard, that I can do it. I
Speaker 1: want to skip high school. Son, Do you have any
Speaker 1: idea to kind of tests? We have the proctor for
Speaker 1: you to take that into consideration. I'm ready for it.
Speaker 1: I'm telling you ask me any question in the world,
Speaker 1: I'll give you the answer. Mr Martinez, a feet on mine.
Speaker 1: I'd like that kind of sidebar speak, offline with the
Speaker 1: principle for just one moment, right on, mind, I'll be
Speaker 1: doing a beat on this lockers. Listen to me, says Listen.
Speaker 1: We get this kid's numbers up and he gets past
Speaker 1: high school, that's gonna boast that whole district. That will
Speaker 1: finally get the government fund and we've been looking for.
Speaker 1: The school's future is gonna hinge on Martinez I think
Speaker 1: it might. Can you imagine the accolades this school would get? Ready, listen,
Speaker 1: my teams can here. What's up, y'all. We're gonna help
Speaker 1: you out here. Tell me how about doing what we're
Speaker 1: gonna help your cheat. I don't need to do that, man,
Speaker 1: my teacher, Mr Terence out you can do it on
Speaker 1: your own. I've been telling you to ask me a question.
Speaker 1: You know how smart I am. Okay, ask him the
Speaker 1: questions that are gonna help him skip the grade. It's
Speaker 1: pretty simple, okay. Question number one? How many millions of
Speaker 1: years ago? Was the Cretaceous Period? The Crustaceous period took
Speaker 1: place in nineties seventy six when they started olive garden.
Speaker 1: Several things about what he said? Incorrect? Question number two?
Speaker 1: What caused the annihilation of the entire species of dinosaur?
Speaker 1: The trees nutted and the nut was too strong for
Speaker 1: the dinosaurs, But they was drinking. It sounds logic to me.
Speaker 1: I mean, I know, but I think it might have
Speaker 1: actually been aster asteroid? All right? Every morning meeting your
Speaker 1: mouth healed? Yeah, asteroid coming right at us. That's offensive.
Speaker 1: Question ask one, it's not asking actually her mouse is okay,
Speaker 1: it's to sexually suggest hold on to get the door
Speaker 1: I've knocked on with you. He's a little I don't
Speaker 1: know if you guys know me and recognize me. My
Speaker 1: name is Barry Sander, Hall of Frame running back from
Speaker 1: I don't watch film in the flesh Sanders. How can
Speaker 1: I be your service? I just wanted to come in
Speaker 1: because I heard you guys were doing some very great
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Speaker 1: with my wife? I thought you never? I gotta and
Speaker 1: I dared Andy and then especially gets contributor because I
Speaker 1: mean sorry, And this was this American laugh with Air
Speaker 1: Salitary and Andy hairs China's thanks time. This American laugh
Speaker 1: with Aristotle Attari and Andy Harris can be found wherever
Speaker 1: you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe, rate and review.
Speaker 1: You can also find us on Instagram at this American laugh,
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