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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, Wherever

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Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to

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Speaker 1: have you here, back for another episode as we dive

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Speaker 1: into the psychology of our twenties. This episode today, we

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Speaker 1: are going to get quite vulnerable. If you're a frequent

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Speaker 1: listener of the show, you will know that I'm always

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Speaker 1: looking for episode suggestions, things that you guys, my fellow

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Speaker 1: twenty something year olds, are going through as inspiration for

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Speaker 1: the podcast. Someone sent in this suggestion, Actually multiple of

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Speaker 1: you sent in this suggestion, and I read some of

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Speaker 1: these messages and just thought, how have we never discussed

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Speaker 1: this before. What we're talking about today is a fear

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Speaker 1: of intimacy. So many of you have been waiting for

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Speaker 1: this episode, and there is just a wealth of research content, articles,

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Speaker 1: theories that go along with it. And I also think

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Speaker 1: it's something that so many of us in our twenties

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Speaker 1: struggle with in silence and might not even realize that

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Speaker 1: we are going through. I think a fear of intimacy

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Speaker 1: is so valuable to understand because it's also one of

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Speaker 1: those ideas that has become misconstrued, misunderstood, overused in recent years.

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Speaker 1: And with that overuse, sometimes we don't always know the

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Speaker 1: facts and of course the science and the psychology behind

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Speaker 1: why it occurs, how it presents in our lives, and

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Speaker 1: also ways to move forward potential solutions. It's one of

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Speaker 1: those catch twenty two problems in psychology. We want more

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Speaker 1: people to have a label for what they're experiencing, but

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Speaker 1: that label still needs to be an informed one, and

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Speaker 1: we want people to have the correct information about what

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Speaker 1: they're describing. So that's what we're going to talk about

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Speaker 1: today because I think so many of us struggle with

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Speaker 1: the fear of intimacy in our twenties, and I don't

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Speaker 1: always think we have the right information. A fear of

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Speaker 1: intimacy during this decade shows up in a lot of different,

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Speaker 1: often invisible ways. Maybe you have found yourself in like

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Speaker 1: a constant cycle of situationships, You push people away when

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Speaker 1: they're trying to get to know you, both friends and

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Speaker 1: people you're dating. You can never bring yourself to go

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Speaker 1: on first dates, you start fights when things begin to

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Speaker 1: feel safe. You may have placed all of these conditions

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Speaker 1: on yourself for when you'll be allowed to date. You know,

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Speaker 1: I can't date until I've lost weight, until I fix

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Speaker 1: something about myself, until I love myself more. All of

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Speaker 1: these actions and habits is a fear of vulnerability, and

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Speaker 1: it is secretly keeping us from being vulnerable intimate with

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Speaker 1: people around us because we are scared that when we

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Speaker 1: get too close we get hurt, or that perhaps we

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Speaker 1: aren't worthy of the love we think we deserve, so

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Speaker 1: we shy away from any opportunity for us to be

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Speaker 1: proven wrong. I think to be emotionally intimate with someone

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Speaker 1: is to essentially give ourselves and give other people the

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Speaker 1: guidebook on how exactly to hurt us. If you have

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Speaker 1: been left scarred or burned by a past relationship, attachment

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Speaker 1: problems in childhood, even if you're just feeling particularly insecure.

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Speaker 1: I think that love can be one of the hardest

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Speaker 1: things that we can put ourselves through because there is

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Speaker 1: so much opportunity for disaster, so much opportunity to be hurt,

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Speaker 1: so much so that we avoid that crucial source that

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Speaker 1: being love and meaningful connection. It's actually quite devastating. Really,

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of us know this is going

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Speaker 1: on behind the scenes. We are not blind to how

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Speaker 1: this pattern of behavior and fear is active in our lives.

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Speaker 1: We want to be open, we want a witness to

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Speaker 1: our lives, we want to be seen. But it also

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Speaker 1: comes with the realization that allowing ourselves to go through

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Speaker 1: this might actually do something to hurt us further. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: that fear is too strong to push past. So my

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Speaker 1: hope is that this episode is of some help to you,

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Speaker 1: because I don't think big problems like this are overcome

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Speaker 1: in a day, But the first step is actually being

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Speaker 1: able to diagnose and understand the problem and having enough

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Speaker 1: background information to proceed. So, without further ado, let's get

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Speaker 1: into it. So, fear of intimacy is known by a

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Speaker 1: few other names, the most common one being avoidance anxiety,

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Speaker 1: which is sometimes applied to a lot more than just love.

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Speaker 1: Avoidance anxiety really gets to the heart of how a

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Speaker 1: fear of intimacy is sustained. When we have an excessive fear, concern,

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Speaker 1: worry towards a particular object or subject. The easiest way

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Speaker 1: to actually regulate that anxious response is to kind of

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Speaker 1: avoid anything that triggers it. So in that way, avoidance

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Speaker 1: becomes a coping mechanism, whereby we are so paralyzed by

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Speaker 1: what would happen if we encountered our fear, that we

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Speaker 1: act in the most rational way we can, which is

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Speaker 1: just to avoid that from ever happening. In the case

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Speaker 1: of a fear of intimacy, the trigger is not an

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Speaker 1: object though. It's not some fear like snakes or spiders

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Speaker 1: or planes. It's the feeling or a situation that being

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Speaker 1: in an intimate social contact with someone else might jeopardize

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Speaker 1: our sense of security and safety that we have created

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Speaker 1: for ourselves internally. Now, a fear of intimacy is actually

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Speaker 1: quite multifaceted. It can be emotional, sexual, even intellectual or spiritual.

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Speaker 1: So if we fear emotional intimacy, what we're fearing is

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Speaker 1: sharing our innermost feelings and true emotions with someone and

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Speaker 1: perhaps scaring them off, maybe because we are not accustomed

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Speaker 1: to our feelings being important or respected, or we're scared

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Speaker 1: of what they will be able to do to us

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Speaker 1: with that information. A fear of sexual intimacy, it's also

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Speaker 1: known as genophobia, is where we have this very serious

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Speaker 1: anxiety about sharing that part of ourselves with someone else.

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Speaker 1: Maybe we are worried about being hurt. We were reflecting

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Speaker 1: on really hard and traumatic past experiences where we weren't

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Speaker 1: given the respect that we deserve, and so now we

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Speaker 1: see any time that we're having sex or any opportunity

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Speaker 1: to be intimate with someone as possibly creating the same outcome,

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Speaker 1: and that's an outcome that we want to avoid. We

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Speaker 1: also have that fear of intellectual intimacy, and that's not

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Speaker 1: a facet of this that I think a lot of

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Speaker 1: us typically think of Intellectual intimacy is this exchange of

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Speaker 1: big ideas and thoughts and core beliefs that is actually

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Speaker 1: such a vulnerable, squishy, deep down part of ourselves that

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Speaker 1: very few people, I think ever really get access to

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Speaker 1: in our lives, and there's a lot that they can

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Speaker 1: do with that information. We might worry that someone will

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Speaker 1: be dismissive or use these things against us. We might

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Speaker 1: worry that they won't agree with us, that'll embarrass us,

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Speaker 1: that we'll realize that we're actually not as connected as

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Speaker 1: we thought. The root of all these fears is very subjective.

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Speaker 1: Whether you have a fear of emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy,

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Speaker 1: sexual intimacy. It's based primarily on past experiences and a

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Speaker 1: history with a whole bunch of things that can influence

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Speaker 1: our approach to being loved and accepting love. When we

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Speaker 1: have this fear of intimacy, it prevents us from engaging

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Speaker 1: in behaviors that will create a lifelong or sustaining bond,

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Speaker 1: unfortunately for us. You know, to be loved is to

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Speaker 1: be intellectually intimate, is to be emotionally intimate, is to

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Speaker 1: sometimes be sexually intimate, And sadly, a relationship does have

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Speaker 1: some core parameters and necessary foundations, and we will have

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Speaker 1: to kind of get past this fear of sharing those

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Speaker 1: deep parts of ourselves if we ever want to truly

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Speaker 1: feel like we should accept or feel like we can

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Speaker 1: accept love into our lives. We mention some of the

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Speaker 1: indicators of a fear of intimacy briefly before, but to

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Speaker 1: dive into it a little bit further, some of the

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Speaker 1: signs that you might be struggling with this, whether consciously

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Speaker 1: or not, includes a series of really short relationships that

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Speaker 1: all end because of insignificant things. They gave you a

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Speaker 1: small ick, they didn't finish all their food on a date,

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Speaker 1: they didn't like the same music as you. These icks,

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Speaker 1: these reasons that you think are valid, may actually be

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Speaker 1: protecting you from a deep explanation, a deeper explanation which

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Speaker 1: is that you don't feel ready, You're getting too close

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Speaker 1: to the edge of tipping out of your comfort zone.

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Speaker 1: So you are searching for what you see as a

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Speaker 1: valid reason to end the relationship that has nothing to

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Speaker 1: do with you and won't require you to actually look

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Speaker 1: at your contribution to this relationship fizzling out. This may

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Speaker 1: also be linked to a level of relationship OCD or perfectionism.

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Speaker 1: Relationship OCD is something that I am really really fascinated about,

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Speaker 1: because I do think that at times it's been one

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Speaker 1: of the reasons I've sabotaged relationships. What this form of

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Speaker 1: OCD means is that we have a lot of obsessive

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Speaker 1: thoughts about our concerns and doubts when it comes to

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Speaker 1: a romantic partner that are really difficult to manage, that

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Speaker 1: feel very much out of our control. We often end

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Speaker 1: up existing in this state of hypervigilance towards very small

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Speaker 1: signs that us and our partner are not compatible. We

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Speaker 1: are looking for reasons that this isn't going to work

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Speaker 1: before they blindside us. We are looking for reasons to

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Speaker 1: break up with them before we get hurt. Even in

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Speaker 1: the early stages of dating, we may hold potential partners

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Speaker 1: to a really high standard, perhaps even an impossible one,

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Speaker 1: because we still feel like we're being open. We're still

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Speaker 1: saying like, yeah, I'm ready for a relationship, but I

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Speaker 1: just don't want to settle. My standards are so high

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Speaker 1: that I just don't want anyone who's below that. And

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Speaker 1: that's what we tell ourselves when actually there really isn't

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Speaker 1: anyone who could ever meet our expectations. Sometimes our standards

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Speaker 1: actually are opposed to each other, but it gives us

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Speaker 1: this opportunity to keep people at bay. Now that's not

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Speaker 1: to say that you don't deserve to be picky and

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Speaker 1: you don't deserve the most exceptional, amazing form of love.

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Speaker 1: But it's interesting when we start to see contradictions in

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Speaker 1: the things that we want from someone. Those contradictions are

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Speaker 1: pretty good evidence that the standards we're setting for ourselves

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Speaker 1: are a lot more protective than they are kind of informative.

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Speaker 1: They're trying to stop us from something rather than trying

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Speaker 1: to keep us open to something. This always for me,

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Speaker 1: resulting in a grass's greener mentality. You're constantly thinking about

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Speaker 1: how your relationship should be perfect, how if you're missing

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Speaker 1: one thing it's a failure. You have these fantasies about

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Speaker 1: a flawless relationship that probably doesn't exist, But by continuing

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Speaker 1: to invest in the delusion, you keep all these other

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Speaker 1: possibilities for love at bay. The thing I always think

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Speaker 1: about when it comes to this is this concept known

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Speaker 1: as the ninety ten rule. Now, there was a video

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Speaker 1: about this that went super viral on TikTok recently, and

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Speaker 1: I think for the best kinds of reasons, because so

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Speaker 1: many of us fall into the trap of the ninety

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Speaker 1: ten rule. The premise of this is that you can

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Speaker 1: be with someone who is like ninety percent everything that

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Speaker 1: you wanted, everything that you have dreamed of, everything that

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Speaker 1: your childhood self wanted from love, But there is this

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Speaker 1: ten percent that just isn't quite right. And those things

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Speaker 1: aren't deal breakers, right, They're just small things like, oh,

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Speaker 1: they don't do the dishes exactly when I want them

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Speaker 1: to do them, or oh, they're not as like it's

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Speaker 1: spontaneous as I am, and you let that ten percent

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Speaker 1: dominate over the ninety percent, so that you go out

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Speaker 1: looking for someone who fulfills the ten percent, but then

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Speaker 1: they are only ten percent of what you actually want.

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Speaker 1: You've given up something that is actually incredibly good for

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Speaker 1: you over small reasons. Sometimes I would say that's the

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Speaker 1: sign of a fear of intimacy, even if it doesn't

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Speaker 1: look like it on the surface. Here are some other

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Speaker 1: things that would tell me that someone is struggling with this.

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Speaker 1: When you are in a relationship, you may also withhold

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Speaker 1: information or avoid sharing your feelings because it's going to

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Speaker 1: make you too vulnerable. You also might test your partner

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Speaker 1: through through emotional bids. So emotional bids are these attempts

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Speaker 1: to connect with your partner by gaining their attention in

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Speaker 1: a way that is actually indirect. I always like to

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Speaker 1: use the example of starting fights. It's not that you

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Speaker 1: even have anything to be mad about. It's just that

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Speaker 1: you are feeling insecure, You're feeling stuck, and you want reassurance.

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Speaker 1: You want that You want to kind of challenge your

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Speaker 1: relationship to see if it can push through this argument.

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Speaker 1: See if it can push through this fight, whether that

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Speaker 1: person is going to stay by your side once again.

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Speaker 1: I think all of this has its roots in a

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Speaker 1: fear of intimacy. Now we need to talk about where

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Speaker 1: exactly this comes from. There are quite a few experiences

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Speaker 1: that create this pattern of behavior or this reaction to

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Speaker 1: intimacy and love. Some of them actually seem to be

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Speaker 1: in opposition with each other, so it is very subjective

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Speaker 1: and based on your own mix of experiences. A lot

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Speaker 1: of these concerns, though, emerge in childhood, but even things

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Speaker 1: like our teenage relatetionationships past relationships, and a fear of

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Speaker 1: engulfment in security they also contribute. Before we get into this,

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Speaker 1: it's also important to understand this concept known as commitment readiness.

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Speaker 1: So commitment readiness is a fairly new measure in clinical

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Speaker 1: and research psychology, and it essentially refers to our openness

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Speaker 1: and receptiveness to a relationship. Every single one of us

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Speaker 1: has a level of commitment readiness, has this somewhat pre

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Speaker 1: formed or predetermined judgment of our ability to be in

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Speaker 1: a relationship. If you have low commitment readiness, it's going

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Speaker 1: to be difficult for you to for someone to convince

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Speaker 1: you to take this next step in your love or

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Speaker 1: in your connection because you just don't feel equipped. Whereas

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Speaker 1: we have these people who have a high commitment readiness

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Speaker 1: that means that they are the first ones to jump

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Speaker 1: into a relationship. They are ready for that commitment, they

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Speaker 1: are ready for that label. They want to be dating,

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Speaker 1: they want to be in a relationship. Now, a fear

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Speaker 1: of intimacy reflects a low level of commitment readiness and

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Speaker 1: that factor that the measure is impacted by the following.

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Speaker 1: So the major theory when it comes to a fear

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Speaker 1: of intimacy is that all of these quote unquote problem

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Speaker 1: behaviors began in childhood, normally as the result of a neglectful, disorganized,

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Speaker 1: overbearing parenting style. If as a child, you did not

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Speaker 1: receive the love, the care, the reassurance, the compassion, the

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Speaker 1: security that you needed from your primary caregiver, you may

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Speaker 1: have implicitly learned that close relationships are not something that

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Speaker 1: you can rely on for your needs. You really only

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Speaker 1: have yourself, So you push away people who might try

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Speaker 1: and get close. That's very indicative of an anxious, avoidant

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Speaker 1: attachment style. This emotional neglect that you have experienced, it

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Speaker 1: may cause you to unconsciously seek out relationships that mirror

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Speaker 1: your past experience. So if you grew up in an

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Speaker 1: environment with emotionally unavailable parents, this may unintentionally cause you

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Speaker 1: to be drawn too emotionally unavailable partners in the future,

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Speaker 1: because it's just creating a familiar pattern, and these people

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Speaker 1: you can also keep at a distance when you know

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Speaker 1: maybe you are actually the emotionally unavailable one. What you're

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Speaker 1: doing is seeking out partners who allow you to stay

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Speaker 1: in what is familiar, what is comfortable, and what you know,

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Speaker 1: which is that they will never fulfill your needs. They

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Speaker 1: will never be someone who is going to ask you

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Speaker 1: how your day was, who's going to push past the

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Speaker 1: boundaries and the kind of barriers that you've created so

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Speaker 1: you continue to feel safe when really you're actually avoiding

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Speaker 1: a deeper level of intimacy that will require you to

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Speaker 1: give up your past misconceptions of love and be vulnerable.

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Speaker 1: I think we all have some basic understanding that emotionally

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Speaker 1: unavailable caregivers are going to create fearful and avoidant patterns

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Speaker 1: of love and connection, but in the complete opposite direction.

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Speaker 1: There's also been some emerging research that being raised by

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Speaker 1: parents who will overprotect, smothering, overbearing also creates a fear

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Speaker 1: of intimacy because we fear for our independence, and we

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Speaker 1: fear for our freedom because we have been taught that

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Speaker 1: close relationships cause us to have to give up parts

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Speaker 1: of ourselves or feel closely monitored, feel closely observed. So

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Speaker 1: I came across this theory a couple of years ago

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Speaker 1: in a PhD paper from someone in Australia, and they

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Speaker 1: talked about how overprotective parenting is actually really linked to

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Speaker 1: an insecure attachment style, particularly in young men. Maybe it's

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Speaker 1: because they resent how closely observed they were they don't

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Speaker 1: want that to be replicated in their romantic relationships. Or

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Speaker 1: perhaps it's this retrospective rebellion or protest against what they

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Speaker 1: found unfair as a child that manifests in them continuing

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Speaker 1: to push people away who want to get close to

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Speaker 1: them in adulthood. Whatever that may be, it obviously differs

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Speaker 1: from person person, but it can lead to what some

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Speaker 1: researchers call a fear of engulfment, whereby we are afraid

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Speaker 1: of being controlled, dominated, of losing ourselves to a relationship

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Speaker 1: and then being unable to find our way back when

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Speaker 1: the relationship inevitably ends. Because we have that core attitude

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Speaker 1: that love does not last. I don't think it's any

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Speaker 1: surprise that if you are an especially hyper independent person,

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Speaker 1: someone who pushes back against requests for assistance, who prefers

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Speaker 1: their own company, who believes on a very deep level

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Speaker 1: that they don't need anyone but themselves, it's obvious that

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Speaker 1: you are more likely to appear as if you are

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Speaker 1: actually afraid of intimacy and you're afraid of what a

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Speaker 1: relationship might cost you. A lot of people who are

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Speaker 1: hyper dependent. Some therapists call it a trauma response, but

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Speaker 1: they may not even recognize that this is an issue

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Speaker 1: because as a society, we express a lot of approval

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Speaker 1: and respect for traits like independence, especially in highly individualized

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Speaker 1: Western cultures. Independence is incredibly positive and it can actually

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Speaker 1: show a great level of security when it comes to

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Speaker 1: knowing yourself and what you want. But with anything, I

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Speaker 1: think balance is key, and when you need your need

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Speaker 1: to be independence outweighs your primal need for connection and

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Speaker 1: for community and for intimacy. That is when we begin

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Speaker 1: to see these patterns that mimic a fear of vulnerability

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Speaker 1: and a fear of love or avoidance anxiety. I used

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Speaker 1: to actually have a friend like this, and she was

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Speaker 1: actually she continues to be. I will say that one

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Speaker 1: of the most wonderful and accomplished people I know. This

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Speaker 1: woman runs marathons, she has her own business, she was

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Speaker 1: studying full time. She had a million hobbies. She could bake,

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Speaker 1: she could make music. She could teach you incredibly complicated

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Speaker 1: economics without like even batting an eye. She's obviously, I'm

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Speaker 1: just singing her praises. She was amazing. But she was

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Speaker 1: so protective of her own dependence that she kind of

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Speaker 1: rejected anyone who tried to get to know her on

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Speaker 1: a really intimate level because she was convinced that a

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Speaker 1: relationship would eat into her freedom and her ability to

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Speaker 1: make decisions that were best for her. I honestly think

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Speaker 1: that on some level, there's a lot of respect for that,

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Speaker 1: and she had a great level of dedication to herself,

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Speaker 1: and honestly, love shouldn't mean compromising those things. But the

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Speaker 1: thing is that the right person won't ask you to

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Speaker 1: what she thought was protecting her keeping romantic love at

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Speaker 1: Bay was actually something that she ended up really resenting,

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Speaker 1: and she couldn't quite square. She couldn't quite make sense

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Speaker 1: of these two very loud forces operating within her that

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Speaker 1: were very opposed. She wanted to be loved, but she

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Speaker 1: also wanted to be free, and she couldn't quite figure out.

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Speaker 1: I think in retrospect how those two things could be equal,

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Speaker 1: because she had all of these negative beliefs and perceptions

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Speaker 1: of what love would do to her. And I think

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Speaker 1: that that hyperindependence, that fear of engulfment, that fear of

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Speaker 1: losing freedom, is an aspect of a fear of intimacy

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Speaker 1: that we don't really discuss. Past relationship troma, not just

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Speaker 1: in childhood, can also contribute. We often really like to

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Speaker 1: focus on childhood as the only source of our attachment wounds.

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Speaker 1: But equally, I think a lot of psychologists, a lot

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Speaker 1: of researchers are beginning to realize that those teenage relationships,

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Speaker 1: those first relationships, our early experiences with love, when they

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Speaker 1: turn sour, when they are particularly difficult, when they are traumatic,

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Speaker 1: they can equally shape how we connect with people. If

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Speaker 1: your first boyfriend or girlfriend was this like intense whirlwind

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Speaker 1: of huge feelings and commitment, and then they ended up

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Speaker 1: cheating on you, or they ended up saying terrible things

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Speaker 1: about you, severely damaging your self esteem, it is going

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Speaker 1: to be hard for you to trust or love other people,

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Speaker 1: even if you had very welcoming, beautiful, loving, emotionally available parents,

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Speaker 1: because that was still a really formative and core memory

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Speaker 1: for you when it came to your opinions on intimacy,

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Speaker 1: especially when we talk about someone injuring your self esteem.

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Speaker 1: That stuff, the last can last a lifetime. It creates insecurity,

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Speaker 1: and it creates this need, this survival instinct to protect

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Speaker 1: ourselves from future hurt from someone else getting too close

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Speaker 1: to us, coming into our lives, feeling love for them,

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Speaker 1: and then having them just completely break us down. And

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Speaker 1: sometimes those experiences also actually convince us that we don't

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Speaker 1: deserve to be loved, that anyone who loves us we

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Speaker 1: have deceived them, we have lied to them so successfully,

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Speaker 1: and one day they're going to wake up and they're

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Speaker 1: going to see it like that person from our past.

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Speaker 1: Did they hurt us so badly that anytime someone else

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Speaker 1: wants to come through that door, wants to show us

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Speaker 1: what we're missing, show us what we deserve, we see

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Speaker 1: it as a threat, so we push away. We run away.

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Speaker 1: We don't want to be confronted by these thoughts, by

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Speaker 1: this potential for a bad outcome. All of this leads

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Speaker 1: to a level of emotional unavailability. I think we often

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Speaker 1: villainize people by calling them emotionally unavailable, which completely overlooks

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Speaker 1: so many of the aforementioned factors and experiences, a lot

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Speaker 1: of which happened to us. We're not exactly active in.

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Speaker 1: We're passive to how other people have treated us, how

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Speaker 1: other people have taught us to be loved and to

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Speaker 1: receive love. No one wants to feel unlovable. No one

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Speaker 1: wants to hold back, but they're doing so in a

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Speaker 1: lot of cases to protect themselves, and it's often based

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Speaker 1: in a lot of insecurity, a lot of fear patterns

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Speaker 1: of avoidance that we can actually recover from if you

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Speaker 1: haven't worked through these things. So if no one's ever

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Speaker 1: said this to you, if no one's ever told you

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Speaker 1: that this is how it was, this is how it is,

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Speaker 1: this is how it works, you're going to continue to

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Speaker 1: end up in those relationships that aren't fulfilling, to keep

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Speaker 1: reverting to the status quo, the easy thing, which is

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Speaker 1: to be alone. So we're going to discuss some of

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Speaker 1: the consequences of that after this short break, as well

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Speaker 1: as deconstructing your fear of intimacy and how to move

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Speaker 1: past it in just a second. Even though a fear

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00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:21,600
Speaker 1: of intimacy is a largely unconscious process, we can still

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00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:25,280
Speaker 1: observe how it affects our behavior and our experiences. Fear

404
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:28,320
Speaker 1: of intimacy is such a struggle. There is so much

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Speaker 1: shame involved, questioning why am I like this? And also

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00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:36,000
Speaker 1: a comparison to how everyone else in their twenties is

407
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,800
Speaker 1: looking like they're living their best lives. They're finding partners,

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00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:43,000
Speaker 1: they're telling us their love stories, they're getting married, they

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00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:48,160
Speaker 1: seem really happy, whilst we stay in this hypervigilant, anxious

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Speaker 1: avoidance state, simultaneously wanting a relationship and petrified of what

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Speaker 1: that might entail, what we could lose, getting hurt again,

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Speaker 1: the courage to put ourselves out there, and just the

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00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:05,399
Speaker 1: strength that we might not have at this moment. Some

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Speaker 1: other impacts include a cycle of emotionally shallow relationships that

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00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:15,040
Speaker 1: actually keep reaffirming what we already erroneously believe, which is

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Speaker 1: that love is not fulfilling, It is going to hurt,

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Speaker 1: it will end, it is not worth the commitment. We're

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Speaker 1: actually accidentally creating a self fulfilling prophecy in those moments,

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Speaker 1: because we are pursuing the kinds of relationships that never

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Speaker 1: really challenge us, that match what we have come to

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Speaker 1: expect from love, and so we never give ourselves the

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00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:38,560
Speaker 1: opportunity to know any differently. The foundations of our fear

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00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:42,479
Speaker 1: of intimacy. They remain unchanged, even if it looks like

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00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:46,000
Speaker 1: we are putting ourselves out there, even if we're serial dating.

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Speaker 1: A lot of people who have spoken to who struggle

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Speaker 1: with the fear of intimacy, they also talk about a

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00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:57,960
Speaker 1: persistent loneliness underneath it all. They do want more, they

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00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:01,280
Speaker 1: do want those relationships that are nourishing, but they keep

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00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:05,680
Speaker 1: self isolating or self sabotaging without even realizing that they're

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00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:08,240
Speaker 1: doing it. And they feel like they're doing it all wrong,

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00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:10,080
Speaker 1: that they're the ones who make mistakes, that they are

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00:26:10,119 --> 00:26:12,480
Speaker 1: just not worthy of love, they were just meant to

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Speaker 1: be alone. I want you to be really gentle with

434
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:18,879
Speaker 1: yourself when those thoughts emerge. You are not alone in this,

435
00:26:19,359 --> 00:26:21,520
Speaker 1: You are not always growing to be alone in this.

436
00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:25,240
Speaker 1: So many people, people that I know, people I have

437
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:30,960
Speaker 1: spoken to, find fulfilling and wonderful and lifelong love out

438
00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:33,840
Speaker 1: of a place of a fear of intimacy. Moving past

439
00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:36,720
Speaker 1: a place of a fear of intimacy, and it's not

440
00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:39,080
Speaker 1: a death sentence. It's just something to be aware of,

441
00:26:39,119 --> 00:26:43,320
Speaker 1: an approach with kindness and forgiveness to yourself. So what

442
00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:47,080
Speaker 1: can we actually do about addressing our fear of intimacy

443
00:26:47,119 --> 00:26:51,720
Speaker 1: both within ourselves and also maybe within the people we're dating. Firstly,

444
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:54,639
Speaker 1: you need to do the deep internal work to firstly

445
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:58,280
Speaker 1: identify the root of this feeling. We've given kind of

446
00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:02,560
Speaker 1: a selection of different explanations, but you are the only

447
00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:06,440
Speaker 1: one who can understand how far back this spans, where

448
00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:09,960
Speaker 1: this has come from, why this has occurred. I think

449
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:15,000
Speaker 1: professional assistance a therapist during this journey is incredible because

450
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:16,800
Speaker 1: they're going to be honest with you. They're going to

451
00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:20,320
Speaker 1: prompt some of those larger epiphany moments. They're going to

452
00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:24,880
Speaker 1: bring a neutrality to your situation that will be really helpful.

453
00:27:25,359 --> 00:27:29,000
Speaker 1: That is going to break yourself Shamespichael, maybe break your

454
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:32,879
Speaker 1: pity party, break your self sabotage. I know though that

455
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:37,320
Speaker 1: therapy at the moment is quite inaccessible. It's expensive, the

456
00:27:37,359 --> 00:27:41,239
Speaker 1: weightless are super long. So in the meantime, here are

457
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:44,160
Speaker 1: some questions that you can ask yourself to help get

458
00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:47,320
Speaker 1: to that point. Of identifying where this feeling may have

459
00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:49,960
Speaker 1: come from. So the first question I want you to

460
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:53,600
Speaker 1: ask yourself is what is the worst thing that could

461
00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:57,320
Speaker 1: happen in a relationship? Is it the pain of it ending?

462
00:27:57,960 --> 00:28:00,320
Speaker 1: Is it the fear that you will lose yourself, that

463
00:28:00,359 --> 00:28:02,680
Speaker 1: you will have to share parts of yourself that are vulnerable?

464
00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:08,159
Speaker 1: Why are you so scared of being in love and

465
00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:13,120
Speaker 1: being seen? What are you actually worried about? Secondly, do

466
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:16,639
Speaker 1: you actually feel lovable? And if the answer is no,

467
00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:19,720
Speaker 1: why is that? Is it because you are nursing a

468
00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:22,879
Speaker 1: deeper insecurity That is actually the main issue here, but

469
00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:27,119
Speaker 1: it is just manifesting in avoidance. Is it because someone

470
00:28:27,119 --> 00:28:29,679
Speaker 1: has taught you in the past that you are unlovable

471
00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:32,600
Speaker 1: and you've taken that to be truth. Is it because

472
00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:35,840
Speaker 1: your parents created an environment where you felt undeserving of

473
00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:40,360
Speaker 1: attention and care and emotional safety. Once again, this is

474
00:28:40,400 --> 00:28:43,480
Speaker 1: really revealing. It helps you get to the core of

475
00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:47,880
Speaker 1: the problem here, Where did this come from? Throughout this process,

476
00:28:47,880 --> 00:28:50,200
Speaker 1: I think it's also valuable to start breaking down and

477
00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:53,400
Speaker 1: really examining some of those false beliefs that we all

478
00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:55,880
Speaker 1: have when it comes to love. Some of those examples,

479
00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:59,120
Speaker 1: some examples of this include you know, love is easily broken.

480
00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:03,880
Speaker 1: It's always going to disappear. If my relationship fails, that's

481
00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:06,880
Speaker 1: going to prove that I'm unlovable. If I keep my distance,

482
00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:10,200
Speaker 1: I'm safe and in control. I'm going to be people.

483
00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:12,120
Speaker 1: People are going to be embarrassed of me if they're

484
00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:16,040
Speaker 1: dating me. People are going to cringe me. Marriage, relationships

485
00:29:16,040 --> 00:29:20,560
Speaker 1: they never work out, they always end. These beliefs all

486
00:29:20,640 --> 00:29:22,840
Speaker 1: keep us in a place of fear. And of course,

487
00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:26,000
Speaker 1: if you've had past experience with her, if your parents

488
00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:29,560
Speaker 1: got divorced, if you've just had someone treat you really badly,

489
00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:33,240
Speaker 1: it's not that you've actually, you know, been conscious and

490
00:29:33,320 --> 00:29:37,080
Speaker 1: accepting those fears and accepting those false beliefs. They've something

491
00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:40,480
Speaker 1: that you've learned unconsciously and implicitly from your environment. But

492
00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:42,360
Speaker 1: you need to prove to yourself that they are not

493
00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:44,719
Speaker 1: the whole truth. And the way we can do that

494
00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:48,479
Speaker 1: is by visualizing ourselves in a relationship where none of

495
00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:51,520
Speaker 1: this occurs, When none of this comes true, What would

496
00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:54,240
Speaker 1: your ideal relationship look like? How would it feel to

497
00:29:54,280 --> 00:29:57,600
Speaker 1: be loved and cherished? And is that desire bigger than

498
00:29:57,600 --> 00:30:00,200
Speaker 1: fear for you? Is that something that you really you

499
00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:03,400
Speaker 1: really want. What activities would you do with your partner?

500
00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:06,120
Speaker 1: What small ways would they show you love and you

501
00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:09,160
Speaker 1: show them love and return? How would it feel to say,

502
00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:11,640
Speaker 1: you know, in five years like I confronted my fear

503
00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:13,800
Speaker 1: and I proved it wrong and now I have this

504
00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:16,840
Speaker 1: really good thing. And would you be okay if it

505
00:30:16,880 --> 00:30:21,240
Speaker 1: didn't work out? Yeah, you totally would be. You totally

506
00:30:21,240 --> 00:30:24,440
Speaker 1: would be. Now. Part of this is also about questioning

507
00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:27,520
Speaker 1: whether this relationship is actually possible. Have you seen an

508
00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:30,000
Speaker 1: example of this or is there a version of this

509
00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:32,480
Speaker 1: person that you would actually want? Would you be willing

510
00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:34,680
Speaker 1: to compromise on some of those things that you really

511
00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:37,840
Speaker 1: really think are necessary in a relationship. I'm going to

512
00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:40,720
Speaker 1: say this again. You're allowed to want big things for yourself,

513
00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:43,320
Speaker 1: but don't let that hold you back from a relationship

514
00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:46,520
Speaker 1: that might not look perfect straight out the gate, but

515
00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:50,920
Speaker 1: takes time to grow. Like I said before, sometimes we

516
00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:55,040
Speaker 1: create such impossible standards to actually keep our walls high.

517
00:30:55,280 --> 00:30:57,560
Speaker 1: This does not mean that you need to settle by

518
00:30:57,640 --> 00:31:02,120
Speaker 1: no means, but actually that you should examine what conditions

519
00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:05,720
Speaker 1: for love you are unfairly imposing as a way to

520
00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:11,000
Speaker 1: actually protect yourself. This links to my next piece of advice,

521
00:31:11,080 --> 00:31:14,640
Speaker 1: in a way, be wary of doing a complete one

522
00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:18,280
Speaker 1: point eight when it comes to dating and just artificially

523
00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:21,280
Speaker 1: accelerating any form of intimacy or connection you have with

524
00:31:21,440 --> 00:31:25,280
Speaker 1: anyone to just get that label. I think that what

525
00:31:25,360 --> 00:31:27,280
Speaker 1: we're doing here when we're like, Okay, i have a

526
00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:29,280
Speaker 1: fear of intimacy, I'm just going to get into a

527
00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:31,680
Speaker 1: relationship and work it all out, what we're doing is

528
00:31:31,720 --> 00:31:36,360
Speaker 1: putting ourselves through flooding or exposure therapy. So this time

529
00:31:36,400 --> 00:31:39,760
Speaker 1: flooding is actually something that we borrow from phobia treatment,

530
00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:43,040
Speaker 1: when people are scared of snakes or flying or dogs

531
00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:46,880
Speaker 1: or whatever, clowns, whatever it may be. Some therapists engage

532
00:31:46,880 --> 00:31:50,479
Speaker 1: in this technique where they force us to confront our

533
00:31:50,520 --> 00:31:54,120
Speaker 1: fears in their most intense and severe form. For example,

534
00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:56,280
Speaker 1: if you are scared of enclosed spaces, they make you

535
00:31:56,320 --> 00:31:59,040
Speaker 1: sit in and elevate it for hours as a way

536
00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:02,040
Speaker 1: to bring on pads and then help you work through it.

537
00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:06,040
Speaker 1: This really helps with objects. The thing is is that

538
00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:10,080
Speaker 1: love is not an object or a singular situation. It

539
00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:13,120
Speaker 1: is so much more nuanced and multi dimensional than that.

540
00:32:13,560 --> 00:32:16,040
Speaker 1: But sometimes we try to almost flood ourselves with a

541
00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:20,080
Speaker 1: really intense relationship to speed up the recovery process. In

542
00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:23,479
Speaker 1: this kind of like DIY healing kind of vibe, like

543
00:32:23,880 --> 00:32:26,720
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna take the crash course here, I'm just

544
00:32:26,720 --> 00:32:30,160
Speaker 1: gonna put myself on the accelerated path. This actually might

545
00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:33,920
Speaker 1: backfire and it will cause you to just reinforce all

546
00:32:33,960 --> 00:32:37,520
Speaker 1: the previous ideas that you had about love, that it

547
00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:40,040
Speaker 1: ends that it is not good, that it is shallow.

548
00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:43,480
Speaker 1: It might sound counterintuitive, but I actually think you need

549
00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:45,800
Speaker 1: to take a break from dating for a while to

550
00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:51,320
Speaker 1: perhaps interrupt that cycle of emotionally unfulfilling relationships or situations,

551
00:32:51,800 --> 00:32:55,360
Speaker 1: or that pattern of bad dates, that pattern of self sabotage.

552
00:32:55,480 --> 00:32:57,960
Speaker 1: You know, sometimes it's important to ask yourself, are you

553
00:32:58,000 --> 00:33:01,000
Speaker 1: actually just bearing yourself and these temporary feelings in these

554
00:33:01,040 --> 00:33:04,160
Speaker 1: white based dating apps to ignore what's really going on.

555
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:09,800
Speaker 1: Are you trying to expose the fear of intimacy out

556
00:33:09,800 --> 00:33:12,400
Speaker 1: of you, flood it out of you? Or is it

557
00:33:12,440 --> 00:33:16,080
Speaker 1: something else? I think be wary of going completely in

558
00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:19,040
Speaker 1: the opposite direction as you move through this journey, and

559
00:33:19,160 --> 00:33:23,080
Speaker 1: instead take six months starting today, maybe starting tomorrow. Let's

560
00:33:23,080 --> 00:33:25,120
Speaker 1: say starting tomorrow, so we have some time to prepare.

561
00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:29,320
Speaker 1: Take six months to just really focus on building yourself

562
00:33:29,360 --> 00:33:33,520
Speaker 1: back up, to regain your confidence, to recognize that you're amazing,

563
00:33:33,600 --> 00:33:37,680
Speaker 1: To nourish those secret gardens as we call them, to

564
00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:43,640
Speaker 1: reconstruct and reform and remold all of those negative, unhelpful

565
00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:48,160
Speaker 1: attitudes you have about love. There is this amazing resource online.

566
00:33:48,200 --> 00:33:50,440
Speaker 1: It's called psycho Life. I will leave a link in

567
00:33:50,440 --> 00:33:53,080
Speaker 1: the description, but they put it really well. You need

568
00:33:53,120 --> 00:33:57,000
Speaker 1: to challenge your negative opinions and attitudes towards yourself before

569
00:33:57,400 --> 00:34:00,000
Speaker 1: you can really let people in. Because half the reason

570
00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:02,320
Speaker 1: when we resist connection and love is because we feel

571
00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:06,600
Speaker 1: undeserving or we are terrified that we don't have what

572
00:34:06,680 --> 00:34:10,439
Speaker 1: it takes to be properly seen and loved and cared for.

573
00:34:10,960 --> 00:34:14,120
Speaker 1: When you are in a relationship and perhaps you're noticing

574
00:34:14,200 --> 00:34:17,960
Speaker 1: the urge to push somebody away, that pattern of conflict,

575
00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:22,880
Speaker 1: of emotional bits of self sabotage, over communicate as much

576
00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:27,280
Speaker 1: as you possibly can. Sometimes the only way out is through,

577
00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:30,360
Speaker 1: and what we fear here may be vulnerability, But we

578
00:34:30,480 --> 00:34:32,960
Speaker 1: kind of have to prove it to ourselves that we

579
00:34:33,000 --> 00:34:35,960
Speaker 1: can raise our concerns, We can talk about our anxieties

580
00:34:36,280 --> 00:34:38,520
Speaker 1: and we will receive the reassurance that we need. It's

581
00:34:38,560 --> 00:34:40,640
Speaker 1: not going to be the end of the world to

582
00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:43,120
Speaker 1: let someone in. It's actually going to be such a

583
00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:47,160
Speaker 1: catharsis such a relief to finally like go of all

584
00:34:47,200 --> 00:34:49,720
Speaker 1: those things we keep to ourselves, all of those fears,

585
00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:54,120
Speaker 1: and have someone listen and respond. Now, if someone can't

586
00:34:54,160 --> 00:34:57,280
Speaker 1: provide you with that reassurance and that just like space

587
00:34:57,400 --> 00:35:02,120
Speaker 1: to listen and understand, it's not you, you are in

588
00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:05,799
Speaker 1: the wrong relationship, and staying until it falls apart may

589
00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:08,719
Speaker 1: only further entrench the core beliefs that are causing you

590
00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:12,120
Speaker 1: to run away from love and intimacy. We do see

591
00:35:12,160 --> 00:35:17,080
Speaker 1: a fear of intimacy being caused by adult relationships, and honestly,

592
00:35:17,160 --> 00:35:20,279
Speaker 1: you can't risk all the work you're doing towards, you know,

593
00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:24,400
Speaker 1: deconstructing your fear of intimacy on someone who might be

594
00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:28,839
Speaker 1: emotionally unavailable, but not doing what you're doing, which is

595
00:35:29,120 --> 00:35:32,360
Speaker 1: healing and moving past that and actually taking the time

596
00:35:32,480 --> 00:35:37,040
Speaker 1: to really understand the origin, understand how it manifests, understand

597
00:35:37,480 --> 00:35:41,320
Speaker 1: how it is creating unhealthy patterns or behaviors in you.

598
00:35:41,320 --> 00:35:45,000
Speaker 1: You know, the chances of that happening, of you actually

599
00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:48,080
Speaker 1: being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable

600
00:35:48,520 --> 00:35:51,400
Speaker 1: whilst you are healing a fear of intimacy. It's actually

601
00:35:52,120 --> 00:35:54,640
Speaker 1: a lot greater than we might expect, because we see

602
00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:58,680
Speaker 1: a lot of people explaining that emotionally unavailable people are

603
00:35:58,719 --> 00:36:02,440
Speaker 1: more likely to date and be attracted to other emotionally

604
00:36:02,480 --> 00:36:06,040
Speaker 1: unavailable people because you know that they will never challenge you.

605
00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:11,440
Speaker 1: So if your partner is the one who exemplifies intimacy avoidance,

606
00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:14,719
Speaker 1: remember you are an ally in this, but you are

607
00:36:14,760 --> 00:36:19,040
Speaker 1: not their therapist. You cannot solve their problem for them.

608
00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:22,200
Speaker 1: I actually think pushing them too hard to do the

609
00:36:22,239 --> 00:36:25,759
Speaker 1: deep internal work that you might be doing to counteract

610
00:36:25,840 --> 00:36:29,239
Speaker 1: their negative beliefs and attitudes towards love may actually have

611
00:36:29,320 --> 00:36:32,640
Speaker 1: the reverse effect you intended and cause them to borrow

612
00:36:32,719 --> 00:36:35,960
Speaker 1: further into their fear, especially if the root of that

613
00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:39,239
Speaker 1: fear is a fear of engulfment. I think instead you

614
00:36:39,280 --> 00:36:42,640
Speaker 1: need a practice staying emotionally present for your own sake

615
00:36:43,600 --> 00:36:47,680
Speaker 1: and sitting with your own fears and working through them,

616
00:36:47,760 --> 00:36:51,680
Speaker 1: and letting your partner do that work for themselves in parallel.

617
00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:55,359
Speaker 1: Communicate what you need, ask them what they need. It's

618
00:36:55,400 --> 00:36:59,319
Speaker 1: the age old rule of aloha, ask, listen, observe, help,

619
00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:01,840
Speaker 1: and ask again. That is all you can do. And

620
00:37:01,880 --> 00:37:04,399
Speaker 1: when I say help, what I mean is ask them

621
00:37:04,400 --> 00:37:07,279
Speaker 1: what they need you to do? Is it reasonable? Is

622
00:37:07,320 --> 00:37:10,319
Speaker 1: it something you can help them with? Can you reassure them?

623
00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:14,279
Speaker 1: Can you maybe give them some space if that's what

624
00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:18,120
Speaker 1: they need to just process things. But if they're asking you, like, hey,

625
00:37:18,120 --> 00:37:19,720
Speaker 1: actually I want to break up for like a couple

626
00:37:19,719 --> 00:37:22,640
Speaker 1: of months because like this is just too much. No,

627
00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:26,520
Speaker 1: that is not your job. Like, you are not their

628
00:37:26,800 --> 00:37:29,799
Speaker 1: sounding board for the techniques that may or may not

629
00:37:29,880 --> 00:37:32,799
Speaker 1: work in making them more emotionally unavailable. You are not

630
00:37:32,840 --> 00:37:35,440
Speaker 1: their test dummy. You are not their guinea pig. You

631
00:37:35,480 --> 00:37:38,840
Speaker 1: are someone who is worthy of love in yourself. In

632
00:37:39,239 --> 00:37:42,040
Speaker 1: of itself, you're worthy of love even if that person

633
00:37:42,400 --> 00:37:45,120
Speaker 1: isn't able to provide that yet. And I think that

634
00:37:45,239 --> 00:37:47,759
Speaker 1: staying in those relationships is actually going to keep you

635
00:37:47,800 --> 00:37:50,600
Speaker 1: on a version of yourself that you're ready to outgrow.

636
00:37:51,200 --> 00:37:53,680
Speaker 1: You don't you know? It's kind of a hard reality,

637
00:37:53,760 --> 00:37:55,960
Speaker 1: is that you can't always bring the person you're with,

638
00:37:56,560 --> 00:37:58,560
Speaker 1: or bring the person you want to take with you

639
00:37:58,719 --> 00:38:01,440
Speaker 1: on this journey. They might not always be ready or

640
00:38:01,560 --> 00:38:03,480
Speaker 1: or prepared or at the level that you are, And

641
00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:06,840
Speaker 1: I think that, as hard as it might be, sometimes

642
00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:10,480
Speaker 1: you need to walk away. You cannot heal someone who

643
00:38:10,600 --> 00:38:13,000
Speaker 1: is not yet at the stage of believing that anything

644
00:38:13,200 --> 00:38:16,360
Speaker 1: is wrong. You cannot heal someone who is not committed

645
00:38:16,840 --> 00:38:20,480
Speaker 1: to growth the way that you are. And maybe you

646
00:38:20,520 --> 00:38:23,640
Speaker 1: would be better breaking your own heart being alone for

647
00:38:23,680 --> 00:38:26,360
Speaker 1: a while, so that you can find someone who matches

648
00:38:26,400 --> 00:38:28,520
Speaker 1: where you are at and who can give you what

649
00:38:28,560 --> 00:38:32,160
Speaker 1: you need, and who can show you how deserving of

650
00:38:32,200 --> 00:38:35,200
Speaker 1: love you really are without you needing to beg for it.

651
00:38:35,960 --> 00:38:38,680
Speaker 1: Don't stay in those situations just because you don't think

652
00:38:38,719 --> 00:38:41,799
Speaker 1: you deserve better, just because someone in your past has

653
00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:44,840
Speaker 1: taught you these negative false beliefs about your inner worth.

654
00:38:45,480 --> 00:38:48,759
Speaker 1: You really do owe yourself so much more than that.

655
00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:52,279
Speaker 1: You really do. You're a wonderful person. You'll you know.

656
00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:55,360
Speaker 1: The fact that you're listening to this episode shows me

657
00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:58,280
Speaker 1: that you are committed to actually learning more about yourself,

658
00:38:58,719 --> 00:39:02,160
Speaker 1: shows me that you are that you are vulnerable with yourself,

659
00:39:02,200 --> 00:39:05,440
Speaker 1: that you are self aware. Those are all incredibly positive

660
00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:07,879
Speaker 1: attributes that you don't want to waste on someone who

661
00:39:07,920 --> 00:39:13,080
Speaker 1: is emotionally unavailable. So some final rapid tips here process.

662
00:39:13,280 --> 00:39:16,520
Speaker 1: Don't avoid the shame or pain. Keep a journal of

663
00:39:16,760 --> 00:39:19,160
Speaker 1: what you're thinking. Write down those negative false beliefs in

664
00:39:19,160 --> 00:39:21,840
Speaker 1: those attitudes, because I think you might be better able

665
00:39:21,880 --> 00:39:25,120
Speaker 1: to rationalize them. Take a chance on yourself. You don't

666
00:39:25,120 --> 00:39:28,799
Speaker 1: need to hide away or disappear. Take risks, share more,

667
00:39:29,239 --> 00:39:32,920
Speaker 1: Invite people in, even when it's hard. Slowly accustom yourself

668
00:39:32,960 --> 00:39:36,440
Speaker 1: to what vulnerability might feel like for you. Put yourself

669
00:39:36,480 --> 00:39:40,880
Speaker 1: in situations where you are celebrated, not just tolerated, even

670
00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:43,239
Speaker 1: if that means leaving friendships that you feel safe in

671
00:39:43,320 --> 00:39:46,280
Speaker 1: right now because they aren't as emotionally fulfilling as you deserve.

672
00:39:47,239 --> 00:39:50,840
Speaker 1: And write down some affirmations about your openness and receptiveness

673
00:39:50,840 --> 00:39:54,000
Speaker 1: to love and keep them somewhere visible as a reminder.

674
00:39:54,680 --> 00:39:58,160
Speaker 1: My favorites are pretty simple, but like I'm worthy of love,

675
00:39:58,680 --> 00:40:03,319
Speaker 1: Love flows effortlessly into my life. Love is joyful. I

676
00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:06,200
Speaker 1: am enough. I am worthy of a love that reflects

677
00:40:06,200 --> 00:40:09,560
Speaker 1: my true value. My heart is open to receive love

678
00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:11,799
Speaker 1: in all of its forms. I know that when we

679
00:40:11,800 --> 00:40:15,080
Speaker 1: talk about affirmations it sounds pretty wishy washy, but there

680
00:40:15,120 --> 00:40:17,719
Speaker 1: is really something to be said about creating your reality

681
00:40:17,800 --> 00:40:20,080
Speaker 1: through the words that you speak to yourself through the

682
00:40:20,080 --> 00:40:23,640
Speaker 1: thoughts and cognitions that you have about yourself. If anything,

683
00:40:23,680 --> 00:40:26,239
Speaker 1: it can't hurt. I think that it's incredibly helpful. I

684
00:40:26,239 --> 00:40:30,640
Speaker 1: think that it's incredibly powerful to remind yourself without needing

685
00:40:30,640 --> 00:40:33,960
Speaker 1: that external validation that you are deserving and that there

686
00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:37,279
Speaker 1: is love coming your way that will make you the

687
00:40:37,320 --> 00:40:41,319
Speaker 1: most open, honest, vulnerable version of yourself. So I really

688
00:40:41,320 --> 00:40:43,640
Speaker 1: hope that this episode has been of some help, that

689
00:40:43,680 --> 00:40:46,240
Speaker 1: you've learned a little bit more about where a fear

690
00:40:46,239 --> 00:40:50,320
Speaker 1: of intimacy comes from, what it creates, the behaviors that

691
00:40:50,360 --> 00:40:53,920
Speaker 1: are associated with it, but also how to heal the

692
00:40:53,960 --> 00:40:57,640
Speaker 1: first kind of initial steps to moving forward. You've already there,

693
00:40:57,719 --> 00:41:01,279
Speaker 1: Like you've already recognized this. If you've recognized it in

694
00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:05,279
Speaker 1: a partner, have some grace, have a level of forgiveness,

695
00:41:05,320 --> 00:41:08,560
Speaker 1: but also take care of yourself and realize that it's

696
00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:12,120
Speaker 1: not you. It really isn't you. This person has probably

697
00:41:12,200 --> 00:41:14,480
Speaker 1: learned a lot of what they are projecting on you

698
00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:17,920
Speaker 1: from past relationships, from childhood, and at some point you

699
00:41:18,000 --> 00:41:20,839
Speaker 1: might need to, like I said, break your own heart

700
00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:24,560
Speaker 1: for the better, for the better for yourself. So thank

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00:41:24,640 --> 00:41:27,640
Speaker 1: you so much for listening as always. If you enjoyed

702
00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:30,360
Speaker 1: this episode, please make sure that you are following along

703
00:41:30,400 --> 00:41:33,239
Speaker 1: for future episodes. Make sure you leave a five star

704
00:41:33,280 --> 00:41:37,120
Speaker 1: review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now.

705
00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:40,239
Speaker 1: And if you have someone who needs to hear this episode,

706
00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:43,600
Speaker 1: please feel free to share it with them. Maybe they

707
00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:45,680
Speaker 1: can take something out of it the way that you

708
00:41:45,760 --> 00:41:49,120
Speaker 1: have as well. This episode was actually a suggestion from

709
00:41:49,200 --> 00:41:51,360
Speaker 1: quite a few listeners, so if you have a suggestion,

710
00:41:51,840 --> 00:41:54,840
Speaker 1: please feel free to message me on Instagram at that

711
00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:58,680
Speaker 1: psychology podcast or you can follow me at gemma speG

712
00:41:58,800 --> 00:42:01,000
Speaker 1: to see more of what's going on. We will be

713
00:42:01,040 --> 00:42:09,360
Speaker 1: back on Friday with another episode MHM