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Speaker 1: Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heeart Radio podcast.

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Speaker 2: What do you think your hardest truth has ever been?

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Speaker 3: That's a good question. I don't know.

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Speaker 1: If I haven't what solf of that, I'm going to

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Speaker 1: fling it straight back to you. Well, I think about it.

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Speaker 2: Well, because we have Jillian Tureki coming on the show today.

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Speaker 2: She's actually one of my very favorite people to follow

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Speaker 2: on Instagram. She's one of those that where I always

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Speaker 2: save her quotes and the things that she says. I mean,

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Speaker 2: like half of my like save stuff on Instagram that

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Speaker 2: I'll throw out there is from Jillian. And she's got

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Speaker 2: a new book out now. I'll call it Begins with You,

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Speaker 2: The nine Heart Truth spelt Love That will Change your life.

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Speaker 2: And you know, I just think sometimes telling the truth

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Speaker 2: is one of the hardest things to do, but also

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Speaker 2: the most rewarding things once you get into the rhythm

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Speaker 2: of it. And I think for a long time I

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Speaker 2: wasn't truthful about things because I was either a trying

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Speaker 2: to protect other people or trying to protect myself, like

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Speaker 2: I didn't want to hurt people's feelings, or I didn't

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Speaker 2: want to, you know, mess things up for myself or

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Speaker 2: I don't know what it's like. It's there was always

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Speaker 2: kind of a like I didn't it was hard for

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Speaker 2: me to be truthful in a situation. And I realized

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Speaker 2: through that, like I wasn't honoring myself in those moments,

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Speaker 2: like even in a relationship, Like there was times in

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Speaker 2: my dating where I'm you know you, I wasn't truthful

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Speaker 2: about certain things for like on a scale of a

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Speaker 2: lot of things like one because I was maybe trying

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Speaker 2: to protect myself or because I didn't want to hurt them,

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Speaker 2: or And so I think it's just an interesting thing

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Speaker 2: to look at to go because once I started to

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Speaker 2: just get into the rhythm of just being really brutally honest,

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Speaker 2: no matter if I hurt the person or not. Like

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Speaker 2: we just had this conversation where when we were talking

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Speaker 2: about dating and I had said, oh, I had brought

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Speaker 2: up a situation where I was honest about something in

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Speaker 2: a dating relationship. But then they were like, how could you?

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Speaker 2: And I'm like, I'm being being so kind and honest

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Speaker 2: and honoring myself and I'm sorry that's your reaction to it,

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Speaker 2: but I can't, Like I don't I don't want to

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Speaker 2: tiptoe anymore because I realized how not being not honoring

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Speaker 2: myself in those moments made it worse and then led

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Speaker 2: either bled people on or I just feel like if

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Speaker 2: you're not honest, it hurts yourself in the end.

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Speaker 3: I agree with that, and I think probably so.

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Speaker 1: One of my questions for Dylan was what truth do

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Speaker 1: you think people struggle with the most? And if I

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Speaker 1: look back and think of, okay, what was the truth

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Speaker 1: that I probably struggled with the most, And I think

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Speaker 1: it was it was probably just recognizing that you don't

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Speaker 1: have to be what people what you think people want

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Speaker 1: you to be. You need to just be yourself like

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Speaker 1: you can, whether you're with someone for a long time

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Speaker 1: or you're just started seeing one, or whether or whether

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Speaker 1: you're dating. I like, I like to please people, so

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Speaker 1: therefore you can you can almost become Okay, I think

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Speaker 1: I think this person wants me to be this.

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Speaker 3: Therefore I'll try and be that, and I'll try.

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Speaker 1: And full into that, and you get to the point

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Speaker 1: where you like, now, it's the best thing is just

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Speaker 1: to be yourself always.

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Speaker 2: I think it's hard though, because a lot of times

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Speaker 2: or I just I make up that some people aren't

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Speaker 2: and I'm just taking from my personal experience too, is

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Speaker 2: the moments that I this is a separate side piece

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Speaker 2: of it, but like in some of the moments I

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Speaker 2: wasn't maybe telling the truth because shame played a big

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Speaker 2: part of it.

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Speaker 4: You know. It's like you have.

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Speaker 2: Your own shame of something that maybe you did that

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Speaker 2: you don't want to be truthful about that because it

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Speaker 2: hurts to even think that you did that.

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Speaker 1: Or you know, I'm not talking about being true flew

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Speaker 1: about a certain thing, or I'm just talking about being yourself,

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Speaker 1: like being truth to yourself.

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Speaker 4: No, no, I know for sure.

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Speaker 2: I was just going off of you know, because it's

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Speaker 2: like I think when you talked about truth in the

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Speaker 2: struggle in being truth, I think I just heard them like, well, shame,

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Speaker 2: you know, people struggle to tell the truth because there

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Speaker 2: might be a piece of shame attached to it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I can, Yeah, I get that.

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Speaker 1: I think mine was more like, how can I how

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Speaker 1: can I be the person this person wants? Maybe and

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Speaker 1: that's wrong, that's totally wrong, that ends up in disaster.

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Speaker 2: Well I mean yeah, I mean, I mean you've tried

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Speaker 2: that for you know, and and you weren't, Like I

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Speaker 2: don't know, because it's like in like in your dating

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Speaker 2: relationships where it's like you you weren't honest in a

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Speaker 2: situation with kind of where you were at. So it

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Speaker 2: was like the back and forth of just and then

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Speaker 2: it just becomes not good for anybody involved.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, that's a user your words.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I'm not. There's nothing particularly that I'm

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Speaker 1: talking about. It's just basically, you can get caught up

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Speaker 1: and if you're dating people or you can get caught

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Speaker 1: in you need to impress this person, and it's it's

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Speaker 1: so far from what you need to do. And it

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Speaker 1: took me a while to recognize that and actually be

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Speaker 1: because only the only way you get longevity is if

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Speaker 1: you're like yourself, isn't it. I mean, there's probably a

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Speaker 1: load of truths that people struggle with, and you've struggled

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Speaker 1: with or I've struggled with. But let's see that the.

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Speaker 3: The Master says a bit truth because I would like to.

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Speaker 1: Know what's the most the thing that people struggle with.

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Speaker 1: There'll be one, There'll be one that there's nine true

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Speaker 1: that she's gotten a book. I think there'll be one

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Speaker 1: at least one that's the the common denomina or the

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Speaker 1: most powerful one.

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Speaker 2: Well, let's take a break and get her on. Jillian,

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Speaker 2: You're the best. I always telling my husband that I

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Speaker 2: always You're the number one person that like on my

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Speaker 2: Instagram where I'm always saving the things that you say

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Speaker 2: because I'm like, yes, my god, no, I mean, if

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Speaker 2: I was to go on like my saved you know

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Speaker 2: things that I you know, then either repost or it's

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Speaker 2: it's always what you say.

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Speaker 4: Oh my god, that's amazing, amazing, thank you.

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Speaker 2: No, I just I love I love your words. You're

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Speaker 2: an amazing writer. And it's funny too because sometimes Allan

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Speaker 2: will be like, are we good? I'm like, no, no,

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Speaker 2: this is just like in life too, and like you know,

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Speaker 2: in just relationships in general.

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Speaker 3: And one of the ones that you send to me, no,

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Speaker 3: just or.

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Speaker 2: That I post on my story too, because a lot

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Speaker 2: of them are you know, relatedationship stuff too, and so

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Speaker 2: but it speaks to just relationships in the past and

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Speaker 2: the present. So it's just it's it's you're an honor

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Speaker 2: to follow, and I'm just I'm so happy to have

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Speaker 2: you on.

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Speaker 4: So oh my god, thank you so much. That's it

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Speaker 4: just made my morning.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm really excited about your new book too. And

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Speaker 2: we were just kind of talking in the front of

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Speaker 2: the show just about you know, how it can be

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Speaker 2: difficult to you know, share your truth and tell your truth.

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Speaker 2: And a lot of times I said, you know, I

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Speaker 2: didn't speak my truth a lot because I was either

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Speaker 2: trying to people please or there was shame attached to

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Speaker 2: it or in just like different areas of life and

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Speaker 2: when the truth pops up. But I realized that when

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Speaker 2: I'm not truthful, I'm not honoring myself, and then it's

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Speaker 2: just not good for anybody.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, everyone sort of loses in that scenario, you know.

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Speaker 4: But it's what we do. You reference people pleasing, I mean,

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Speaker 4: what is people please? It's literally just a fear of

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Speaker 4: not being loved.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Or I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings too,

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Speaker 2: you know, right, but.

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Speaker 4: If you because if you hurt someone's feelings, then that

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Speaker 4: then that challenges an identity that you have that you're

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Speaker 4: the person who doesn't do that to other people.

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Speaker 2: Or right, or then they have a bad image of

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Speaker 2: me in their brain exactly.

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Speaker 4: You know. So we're always trying to sort of protect ourselves.

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Speaker 4: It's like, you know, like if you look at the

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Speaker 4: intention behind everything that we do that we say or

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Speaker 4: the internet says, oh, we should be working on this.

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Speaker 4: When you peel away the onion. At the very core,

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Speaker 4: what's motivating that behavior is there's something actually very pure

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Speaker 4: in the intention behind it. You're just trying to make

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Speaker 4: it so that you can survive. You know that you

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Speaker 4: are not going to be unloved or abandoned or left out.

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Speaker 4: So the intention behind all the behavior that we do,

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Speaker 4: that we that we diagnose ourselves with, we have to

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Speaker 4: start with understanding that its intention is pure. I like that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it doesn't make you feel as bad when you

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Speaker 2: aren't being.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, you know, you're just trying to self preserve.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Like you asked me what my truth would be,

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Speaker 1: and I had to take a few minutes think about

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Speaker 1: it because you'd I don't self reflect enough. So when

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Speaker 1: Jana says to me, what would your truth be when

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Speaker 1: it comes to like dating and or how I could

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Speaker 1: have been better?

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Speaker 3: And I didn't know what it was.

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Speaker 1: And then when I thought about it for a few minutes,

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Speaker 1: it would probably have come back a little bit to

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Speaker 1: the people pleasing. But there was also a stage in

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Speaker 1: my life where I would try and and it wasn't

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Speaker 1: my truth, and I knew it wasn't my truth. But

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Speaker 1: I would try and impress people with the wrong things,

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Speaker 1: material things, yes, which was was really silly because you

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Speaker 1: attract the wrong people, really if that's what the looking.

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Speaker 3: For in life.

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Speaker 1: But it was never it was never my trith because

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Speaker 1: I would always walk away.

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Speaker 3: Like, oh, I don't want I don't want someone like that.

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Speaker 1: I want someone that can like us, that can coosey

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Speaker 1: up in a little cabin somewhere, people that don't need

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Speaker 1: the material things. So me finding my trith was was

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Speaker 1: a really good question from Jana, because I probably allied

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Speaker 1: my way through four years of life when it came

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Speaker 1: to the dating side of it.

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Speaker 2: That's what I was trying to say earlier too, and

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Speaker 2: he got defensive and I was like, oh, I think

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Speaker 2: I struck a chord.

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Speaker 4: Well, men have been you know, men are very programmed

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Speaker 4: to lead with their achievements and to lead with their

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Speaker 4: money and all whatnot. And there's something very and it

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Speaker 4: makes sense if you think about it biologically. If you

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Speaker 4: have a heterosexual man and he's looking to make with

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Speaker 4: a woman, you know, or if you're if you have

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Speaker 4: a heterosexual woman who's looking to meete with a man,

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Speaker 4: she's like she's looking for some sort of providership, you know,

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Speaker 4: she's looking for safety, and in that safety, there's a

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Speaker 4: sense of can this person sort of take care of

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Speaker 4: me in some way, you know, can they be strong enough?

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Speaker 4: And so men have been so conditioned that that's that's

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Speaker 4: the way. And look, that can be a way, you know,

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Speaker 4: if you are someone and you want to provide for

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Speaker 4: a family. But it's like the pendulum always swings too

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Speaker 4: far in one direction. Like you said, it's like, Okay,

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Speaker 4: I'm trying to do this so I can get the girl,

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Speaker 4: but who I But I'm not in any way giving

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Speaker 4: her or me a chance for them for this to

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Speaker 4: be based on some sort of reality, which is this

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Speaker 4: is who I am on the inside. Yes, I've got

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Speaker 4: all these things. But if I just lead with that,

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Speaker 4: like you said, I'm just going to attract a woman

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Speaker 4: who just wants me for that.

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Speaker 1: I think it was more because I didn't like who

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Speaker 1: I was at that period in my life, so like.

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Speaker 4: That will do it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm not going to lead with someone that I

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Speaker 1: don't like right now, which is myself. I'm going to

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Speaker 1: lead with all the the crap material things that I've

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Speaker 1: matched over the last few years and see if that

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Speaker 1: impresses someone, because I just wasn't in a place where

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Speaker 1: I love myself insight, So why lead with that, I'll

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Speaker 1: lead with all the other smoke screen stuff that might

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Speaker 1: impress people. And it's so far from me, it's so

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Speaker 1: far from my trift. So thanks for raising that.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, we got it out. That's good. We got it out. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: I got it.

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Speaker 2: Out because at first, I'm like, you know, that's because

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Speaker 2: I know that five years the five year was tough,

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Speaker 2: you know, and when you kind of then you have

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Speaker 2: someone in that because I've done the same thing where

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Speaker 2: I've been in a bad part time in my life

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Speaker 2: and then I've kind of strung someone along in that

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Speaker 2: situation too, where I just wasn't honest with anything, but

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Speaker 2: I wasn't honest with myself, you know. Yeah, And I

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Speaker 2: think that's and like what you said is it starts

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Speaker 2: with it begins with you. That's the whole title of

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Speaker 2: the book. And I think that's the biggest truth, is

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Speaker 2: that it's not about the other person. It's about you,

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Speaker 2: and it begins with you. So I'd love to kind

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Speaker 2: of know more about you, know about that with your

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Speaker 2: book and just like truly like looking at yourself through it.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, you know, no one's going to stand in your

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Speaker 4: own way more than you. No one's going to lie

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Speaker 4: to yourself, lie to you more than you lie to yourself,

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Speaker 4: or no one's going to lie to me more than

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Speaker 4: I have the capacity to lie to myself. And when

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Speaker 4: we take ownership of our lives, that's when we can

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Speaker 4: start to make some changes. You know, what we like

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Speaker 4: to do in all of us do this. You know,

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Speaker 4: we like to blame things outside of ourselves, or we

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Speaker 4: don't want to actually self reflect because you know, that

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Speaker 4: might reveal something particularly vulnerable that we don't want to

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Speaker 4: share or we don't even want to take a look at.

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Speaker 4: And yet it's exactly that kind of self reflective work

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Speaker 4: and that being able to say, you know, if something's

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Speaker 4: not going well in my life right now. Sure there

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Speaker 4: could be external circumstances that are happening, for sure, but

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Speaker 4: more times than not, it's because of certain conditioning that

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Speaker 4: we have beliefs that we have, Like we really are

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Speaker 4: the common denominator in all our relationships, and that does

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Speaker 4: not mean that we are the only one like that

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Speaker 4: we're to blame. This is not about blame at all.

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Speaker 4: But relationships transform, lives transform when we can say, you

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Speaker 4: know what, something has to change in me, whether it's

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Speaker 4: a perspective, whether it's a behavior, whether it's a belief,

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Speaker 4: you know, a belief, whether it's a habit. All roads

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Speaker 4: kind of lead back to us and the way that

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Speaker 4: we see things and the way that we sort of

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Speaker 4: interact with others and ourselves. And like your example of

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Speaker 4: you know, I didn't you didn't like yourself, you know,

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Speaker 4: and so if you don't like yourself, then you are

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Speaker 4: going to sort of default into what everyone else tells you.

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Speaker 4: You know, people want from you. Okay, so I'll lead

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Speaker 4: with all the smoke and mirrors because then I'll be enough.

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Speaker 4: And so at the very core of it begins with you.

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Speaker 4: Is this this one belief or this one fear that

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Speaker 4: everyone shares, which is that every one is afraid that

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Speaker 4: they are not enough in some way. They're not good

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Speaker 4: looking enough, they're not rich enough, they're not smart enough,

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Speaker 4: they're not cool enough, you know, they're not hot enough,

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Speaker 4: whatever it is. And if there's anything that we're doing

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Speaker 4: that we don't like in ourselves, or if there's anything

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Speaker 4: that we're struggling with in ourselves. It's always because of

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Speaker 4: a fear of not being enough in some way, and

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Speaker 4: if we're not enough, then we're not going to be loved,

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Speaker 4: and that's sort of like our oxygen. And so it

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Speaker 4: begins with you, is the premise that, yes, you are

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Speaker 4: the common denominator, but guess what, it begins with you

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Speaker 4: because you have to see the ways in which you

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Speaker 4: don't feel good enough and how that is actually on

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Speaker 4: an unconscious level, dictating your behavior. You're attracting the wrong

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Speaker 4: kinds of women because you're leading with the smoke and mirrors.

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Speaker 4: Anyone else could be like, oh, you know, all women suck,

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Speaker 4: They just want men for their money, and then there's

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Speaker 4: this whole belief system that gets formed about women and

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Speaker 4: what they want, when really it was you not feeling

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Speaker 4: good enough about yourself and so then leading with something

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Speaker 4: that you thought would give you the validation that you

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Speaker 4: craved then, but it was leading you down the wrong path.

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Speaker 4: So that kind of courage to see that. And also

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Speaker 4: I really wanted people to feel less alone that like

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Speaker 4: this fear that were not enough. Of course, it exists

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Speaker 4: on a spectrum and it doesn't exist the same for everyone,

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Speaker 4: but I really wanted people to understand that you're not

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Speaker 4: alone in this fear right, and to have some insight

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Speaker 4: into why you made maybe have or don't have the

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Speaker 4: things and people and places in your life that you want.

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Speaker 3: M H.

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Speaker 2: What do you think out of those nine hard truths,

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Speaker 2: is the hardest one?

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Speaker 4: I think the first one is going to be the

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Speaker 4: hardest one. But I also think it's going to be

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Speaker 4: inspiring for many people. I think they're going to be

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Speaker 4: hard for depending on who's reading it. I think it's

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Speaker 4: going to strike different chords. But I but but probably

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Speaker 4: the last one, you have to make Peace with your Parents,

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Speaker 4: is going to be the one where probably the majority

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Speaker 4: of people reading the book are going to like, there's

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Speaker 4: going to be like a gulp, like a little bit

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Speaker 4: of like a nervousness in starting that and like well

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Speaker 4: what or some people will be like, well, you know,

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Speaker 4: what does that mean? You know, like I make peace

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Speaker 4: with my parents, my parents abuse me or whatever, which

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Speaker 4: is why I put in the chapter you know, if

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Speaker 4: you were if something terrible happened, like you were molested

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Speaker 4: or severely abused like that, that's in a class by itself.

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Speaker 4: You don't have to make peace with your parents, you know,

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Speaker 4: you don't have to do any of that. And the

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Speaker 4: making peace with your parents isn't about you know, first

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Speaker 4: of all, you could have a wonderful relationship with your parents,

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Speaker 4: but you still maybe have to make some peace with

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Speaker 4: them in some areas. You know, maybe maybe they're still

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Speaker 4: you're still allowing them to sort of be the operators

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Speaker 4: of your belief system about certain things. You know, maybe

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Speaker 4: you're walking around, you know a lot of us are

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Speaker 4: walking around like the walking wounded, trying to make mommy

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Speaker 4: and Daddy proud while we're following their dream of what

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Speaker 4: they wanted us to be versus what we wanted to be,

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Speaker 4: or walking around the wa as the walking wounded, thinking

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Speaker 4: mom or Dad needs me to be this way. It's like, really,

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Speaker 4: are you sure? When was the last time you had

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Speaker 4: a conversation with them about it? You know, people do

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Speaker 4: change and change their perspectives. So and you don't have

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Speaker 4: to have like this amazing relationship with a parent. You

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Speaker 4: could still decide, you know what this I have to

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Speaker 4: keep this. I have to be very boundaried around this parent.

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Speaker 4: But making peace is about changing the narrative that's in

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Speaker 4: your head, that has had a grip on you in

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Speaker 4: a very negative way and freeing yourself from that narrative.

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Speaker 2: It's interesting the proud piece because I feel like there's

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Speaker 2: a lot of us that are still doing things to

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Speaker 2: try to make the parents proud, and it's like they

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Speaker 2: might not ever say, you might never hear like I'm

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Speaker 2: so proud of you. And that's something that you know,

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Speaker 2: I've I've recently gotten to like a place where it's like, no,

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Speaker 2: I'm proud of myself. So it's okay, I don't need

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Speaker 2: the I'm proud of you or you know, it would

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Speaker 2: be nice, but like I don't. I don't actually need

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Speaker 2: it anymore as much as I needed it in like

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Speaker 2: my twenties and thirties, you know, yeah.

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Speaker 4: And which is huge. And sometimes parents and people express

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Speaker 4: how proud they are of you, of us in ways

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Speaker 4: that are not verbal, and there's just lots of you know,

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Speaker 4: we can just create so many stories about the people

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Speaker 4: in our lives, about what it is that they're thinking

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Speaker 4: or feeling. And when we have a habit of creating

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Speaker 4: these sort of negative stories or getting caught up in

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Speaker 4: these negative stories, what does that lead to in us? Depression, anxiety,

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Speaker 4: feeling not good enough, sadness, so everyone is limited in

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Speaker 4: some way, and not everyone has the capacity to express

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Speaker 4: themselves in ways that you know, maybe we deserve for

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Speaker 4: them to express themselves.

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Speaker 1: What would you say, are some non verbal examples of

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Speaker 1: people being proud of you?

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Speaker 4: You know, it's interesting. I'm reminded of a story where

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Speaker 4: I was working with someone, a man in his fifties,

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Speaker 4: and he always had such a troubled relationship with his father.

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Speaker 4: His father was sort of like, kind of like the

390
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Speaker 4: military type. Didn't actually abuse him in the strong sense

391
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Speaker 4: of the word, but definitely was, you know, not the greatest.

392
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Speaker 4: Dad really hard on him. And this guy, this man

393
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Speaker 4: who I was working with, he was so so bitter,

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Speaker 4: and his father was dying. He was sick and dying,

395
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Speaker 4: and he had so much like anger in his heart

396
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Speaker 4: towards his father was about to be dead, you know,

397
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Speaker 4: very within days, maybe it was weeks at the time.

398
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Speaker 4: And when he was talking to me about his father,

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Speaker 4: and I was asking a lot of questions. So the

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Speaker 4: person who I was working with, he recently had lost

401
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Speaker 4: his job, he lost his wife through divorce, and he

402
00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:29,520
Speaker 4: was just like, I mean, it was just it was

403
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Speaker 4: a bad situation for him, and he was blaming his

404
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Speaker 4: father and how he never had a good father and whatnot.

405
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Speaker 4: And he was like really in his feelings about it

406
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Speaker 4: and understandably, and he then proceeded to share with me

407
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Speaker 4: how the last year, when he was like going through

408
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Speaker 4: all these huge life changes, his father started giving him money,

409
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Speaker 4: like a lot of money every month. His father had

410
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Speaker 4: money and he'd never ever, ever helped him ever financially before,

411
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Speaker 4: like he was like out of the house at eighteen

412
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Speaker 4: kind of thing, and was giving him a lot of money,

413
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Speaker 4: and you know, and so this guy was like, well, whatever,

414
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Speaker 4: he's had that money, I deserve that money. And I said,

415
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Speaker 4: you know, maybe you know, I would agree with that,

416
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Speaker 4: But your father is who he is. He's super old

417
00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:34,919
Speaker 4: school military guy. He has absolutely no way of like

418
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Speaker 4: connecting to himself emotionally. He was not taught that generation

419
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Speaker 4: from it also his generation, Like it's just he he

420
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Speaker 4: doesn't have that capacity and it's too bad for you.

421
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Speaker 4: But he's giving you money every month because that is

422
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Speaker 4: his way of apologizing for being a terrible father. And

423
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Speaker 4: you may not ever hear those words from him, but

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Speaker 4: in the last year, when you've been going through this

425
00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:09,080
Speaker 4: and the last year he's been on his death you

426
00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:14,200
Speaker 4: know very sick. This is his way of showing you

427
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Speaker 4: that he loves you and that he's there for you.

428
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Speaker 4: And I know it's not the way that you needed,

429
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Speaker 4: but it's still that's still retribution. He's sharing that and

430
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Speaker 4: you need to start to see it that way, and

431
00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:38,240
Speaker 4: he did, and it was actually very, very healing. They

432
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Speaker 4: ended up having a really they were able to have

433
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Speaker 4: a pretty powerful conversation before his father passed. So that's

434
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:48,320
Speaker 4: not an example necessarily a proud but that's a way

435
00:25:48,119 --> 00:25:53,320
Speaker 4: that some people will express their love in the ways

436
00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:57,760
Speaker 4: that they're capable of. But it's up to us to

437
00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:02,400
Speaker 4: be able to see it as that. But sometimes when

438
00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:05,720
Speaker 4: we're so angry and we're so defensive and we're so

439
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:10,399
Speaker 4: stuck in the story, we can't see it. But if

440
00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:13,439
Speaker 4: you can see it like that, it's not about letting

441
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:15,840
Speaker 4: your father off the hook, it's about letting yourself off

442
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:19,040
Speaker 4: the hook because now he can die and you can

443
00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:21,920
Speaker 4: go on with your life knowing like your dad did

444
00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:26,480
Speaker 4: love you like he did, you were important to him.

445
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,040
Speaker 1: I think there's a as a as a boy, as

446
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:32,800
Speaker 1: a period in your life where you become a man,

447
00:26:33,119 --> 00:26:35,160
Speaker 1: but you also become a man, but you still want

448
00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:35,640
Speaker 1: to make your.

449
00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:36,440
Speaker 3: Dad proud.

450
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:41,160
Speaker 1: Or you see gratification from but there comes a point

451
00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:44,720
Speaker 1: where you're like, Okay, I know that I make them proud,

452
00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:47,080
Speaker 1: and I know that I don't have to make decisions

453
00:26:47,119 --> 00:26:50,080
Speaker 1: based on what he wants or what he thinks. I

454
00:26:50,119 --> 00:26:52,879
Speaker 1: think a lot of a lot of people problem my

455
00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:55,480
Speaker 1: age who have got a generation of fathers who are

456
00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:59,560
Speaker 1: not taught to show emotions and say I love you

457
00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:02,040
Speaker 1: and I'm proud of that type of stuff. But I

458
00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:04,040
Speaker 1: think that becomes a point in your own life where

459
00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:06,080
Speaker 1: you're mature and you're like, Okay, I love my dad.

460
00:27:06,119 --> 00:27:08,679
Speaker 1: He loves me, he's proud of me. I don't need

461
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:12,320
Speaker 1: to make decisions based on whether I think you will

462
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:15,679
Speaker 1: be happy with that decision or he thinks it's a

463
00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:17,440
Speaker 1: good he thinks it's a good decision.

464
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:20,360
Speaker 3: Do you agree? Are you like that with your mum?

465
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:20,879
Speaker 4: No?

466
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:23,240
Speaker 2: I think there's a piece of you that does still

467
00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:27,240
Speaker 2: care about making them proud.

468
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:30,439
Speaker 1: I think every kid still has that in them, but

469
00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:33,280
Speaker 1: you don't. You don't base your You still want to

470
00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:35,520
Speaker 1: make them proud, but you don't base your decisions.

471
00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:39,560
Speaker 2: I see what you're say. Yeah, I mean, yeah, there's

472
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:40,879
Speaker 2: things that you haven't taken.

473
00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:43,560
Speaker 1: There's jobs that I haven't taken, and I know my

474
00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:44,840
Speaker 1: dad or you must take that.

475
00:27:44,840 --> 00:27:45,639
Speaker 3: You've got to take that.

476
00:27:46,119 --> 00:27:50,000
Speaker 2: Well, no it doesn't suit. Yeah, okay, gotcha. Yeah, uh

477
00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:51,280
Speaker 2: huh hard.

478
00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:55,120
Speaker 4: Our conditioning says, you know, because we're from a young age,

479
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:57,399
Speaker 4: we learn who we had to be in order to

480
00:27:57,400 --> 00:28:00,760
Speaker 4: be enough for our parents. And the parents whose love

481
00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:05,160
Speaker 4: was was more scarce, maybe that was maybe they weren't

482
00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:09,080
Speaker 4: as present. That's the person who unconsciously we are trying

483
00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:12,720
Speaker 4: to sort of be enough for. So we'll develop our

484
00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:14,560
Speaker 4: entire identity around that.

485
00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:16,919
Speaker 2: And then you date guys and you have daddy issues

486
00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:20,119
Speaker 2: and the whole thing, and you're trying like that.

487
00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:22,040
Speaker 4: It happens, but it's not a guarantee, but it is

488
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:23,200
Speaker 4: a happen, but it does happen.

489
00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:27,640
Speaker 2: I fell into that unfortunate trap. Yeah, you live and learn.

490
00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:28,760
Speaker 2: I guess we do.

491
00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:30,200
Speaker 4: Yeah.

492
00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:32,640
Speaker 2: A lot of the things that I save are obviously,

493
00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:38,160
Speaker 2: you know, relationship stuff. What is your biggest red flag

494
00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:39,040
Speaker 2: in a relationship?

495
00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:47,800
Speaker 4: Who in a relationship? What's the biggest red flag? Violence? Yeah,

496
00:28:47,880 --> 00:28:58,480
Speaker 4: that's the biggest red flag. And then there's emotional violence, belittling, criticizing, stonewalling,

497
00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:03,520
Speaker 4: silent treatment. So those are the those are by far.

498
00:29:04,080 --> 00:29:06,760
Speaker 4: I mean, I know it's it's obvious, but those really

499
00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:09,840
Speaker 4: it's worth saying. You know, those are the big those

500
00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:11,280
Speaker 4: are the two biggest red flags.

501
00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:13,480
Speaker 2: I think one of the ones I remember saving too

502
00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:18,200
Speaker 2: is it's you know, the words and actions matching. That's

503
00:29:18,200 --> 00:29:20,800
Speaker 2: a that's another big one too that I've saved of

504
00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:23,440
Speaker 2: yours because that's so important.

505
00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:27,040
Speaker 4: Yes, I mean, look, we're humans, so sometimes we will

506
00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:29,360
Speaker 4: say something and we will do another thing, and we

507
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:31,520
Speaker 4: need to have a little bit of slack, but I

508
00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:37,800
Speaker 4: will say that overall, you know, a person's integrity is

509
00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:42,720
Speaker 4: really rooted in in alignment or congruence between their actions

510
00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:43,560
Speaker 4: and their words.

511
00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:47,000
Speaker 2: Right, there was another one that I saved, oh as

512
00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:49,640
Speaker 2: is early in December, but it was I just loved

513
00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:53,600
Speaker 2: it because I didn't. I haven't heard it said often.

514
00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:53,880
Speaker 4: You know.

515
00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:57,840
Speaker 2: It's like you said, praise your partner, tell them they're beautiful, hot, wonderful, brilliant, kind.

516
00:29:57,920 --> 00:30:00,000
Speaker 2: We all need praise. This isn't about low self esteem

517
00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:03,080
Speaker 2: and desperate need for validation, about human relationships, and we

518
00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:05,320
Speaker 2: need to be reminded often of how important we are

519
00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:07,840
Speaker 2: to each other. This doesn't just build connection that makes

520
00:30:07,880 --> 00:30:09,840
Speaker 2: us feel alive, and that's what's missing in a lot

521
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:12,320
Speaker 2: of relationships, aliveness. And I was just like, yes, Like

522
00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:14,760
Speaker 2: I think it's I feel like we do a decent

523
00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:17,920
Speaker 2: job of telling each other that, but in the moments

524
00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:20,080
Speaker 2: of life and chaos and kids and this, and it's

525
00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:23,880
Speaker 2: like you sometimes forget to say the things to the

526
00:30:23,920 --> 00:30:26,880
Speaker 2: person that you're doing this best life with, you know.

527
00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:30,600
Speaker 4: Yeah, totally, we become you know, what's the biggest like

528
00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:41,240
Speaker 4: issue overall in romantic relationships mindlessness just being unconscious, unaware,

529
00:30:42,400 --> 00:30:45,160
Speaker 4: and we're all kind of say things and do things

530
00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:48,360
Speaker 4: that are just mindless. And I do think that if

531
00:30:48,360 --> 00:30:51,560
Speaker 4: we want better relationships, we have to bring more mindfulness.

532
00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:55,200
Speaker 4: And it's reminding, you know, like everyone needs to hear

533
00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:59,440
Speaker 4: that from the from the people, from the person they love. Yeah,

534
00:30:59,480 --> 00:31:03,760
Speaker 4: we need reassurance. We need to feel wanted, We need

535
00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:06,800
Speaker 4: to feel important to each other, We need to feel

536
00:31:07,320 --> 00:31:09,720
Speaker 4: sexy to each other, Like we need that.

537
00:31:12,160 --> 00:31:16,160
Speaker 2: Jillian as the expert, where do you have a hard

538
00:31:16,200 --> 00:31:19,080
Speaker 2: time with the truth? Like what is from the nine?

539
00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:19,600
Speaker 4: You know?

540
00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:22,640
Speaker 2: Hard truths about love in your book? Like Where's where

541
00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:25,240
Speaker 2: have you struggled the most in that area.

542
00:31:24,840 --> 00:31:28,560
Speaker 4: Oh my god, pretty much all of them, all of them,

543
00:31:28,560 --> 00:31:31,760
Speaker 4: you know. Making peace with my father was probably the

544
00:31:31,800 --> 00:31:35,480
Speaker 4: biggest one for sure. And telling the truth. When I

545
00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:37,320
Speaker 4: say telling the truth, sort of back to what we

546
00:31:37,440 --> 00:31:39,480
Speaker 4: talked about in the beginning. It's not that I would

547
00:31:39,520 --> 00:31:44,880
Speaker 4: like lie, I would withhold though my truth to sort

548
00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:47,040
Speaker 4: of just like make sure, like to keep the peace.

549
00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:51,240
Speaker 4: You know. I wouldn't say I didn't even know truly

550
00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:54,800
Speaker 4: what my needs were. And I certainly wasn't an advocate

551
00:31:54,800 --> 00:31:58,080
Speaker 4: for my needs because I was always so terrified of

552
00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:02,760
Speaker 4: appearing needy or if I say that, then that's going

553
00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:05,560
Speaker 4: to push them away, all this bullshit, you know. And

554
00:32:06,880 --> 00:32:09,280
Speaker 4: so those are the things that were really important. I

555
00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:11,400
Speaker 4: see it all the time, people not telling the truth

556
00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:14,280
Speaker 4: to each other and not knowing how to also tell

557
00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:17,800
Speaker 4: the truth, you know, because how to kind of express yourself,

558
00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:21,320
Speaker 4: because it's important that you're direct. It's also, you know,

559
00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:25,440
Speaker 4: vulnerability is really important. Vulnerability goes a very long way

560
00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:31,320
Speaker 4: in relationships. You know, It's very very important.

561
00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:34,400
Speaker 2: When you are vulnerable and you tell your truth and

562
00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:37,200
Speaker 2: the person doesn't accept or their defensive what do you

563
00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:40,400
Speaker 2: do then? Because I think that's why people have a

564
00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:43,840
Speaker 2: hard time sharing their truth because if they're afraid of

565
00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:44,400
Speaker 2: the reaction.

566
00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:47,800
Speaker 4: So there's a couple of things. One is one thing

567
00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:50,640
Speaker 4: that I would have the person ask themselves is are

568
00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:54,360
Speaker 4: you always coming to your partner with some sort of

569
00:32:54,400 --> 00:33:00,840
Speaker 4: complaint like something that they're not doing, because that's going

570
00:33:00,920 --> 00:33:04,960
Speaker 4: to get really old for the person receiving it, and

571
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:07,360
Speaker 4: they're just going to be like, I can't do anything right.

572
00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:12,440
Speaker 4: So the wall goes up, defenses go up. So first

573
00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:16,320
Speaker 4: just ask yourself, are you only focusing on what's missing?

574
00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:19,640
Speaker 4: Are you only seeing what's wrong? Or can you see

575
00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:22,719
Speaker 4: whi's right? And maybe in the conversation you can you

576
00:33:22,760 --> 00:33:28,560
Speaker 4: can lead with everything that's right. It depends, you know,

577
00:33:28,640 --> 00:33:31,160
Speaker 4: there's so much context. It depends what's been going on,

578
00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:34,560
Speaker 4: what the problem is. So that's the first thing I

579
00:33:34,600 --> 00:33:36,360
Speaker 4: would say. The second thing I would say is, you know,

580
00:33:38,040 --> 00:33:41,640
Speaker 4: people need to cut the defensiveness. It's a terrible it's

581
00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:45,240
Speaker 4: a terrible thing to bring to a relationship. And you

582
00:33:45,280 --> 00:33:48,520
Speaker 4: don't have to go to therapy for years and decode

583
00:33:48,520 --> 00:33:52,800
Speaker 4: your entire childhood. Just stop work on stopping defensiveness. Is

584
00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:55,800
Speaker 4: one of the four horsemen. You know, John Gottman, who's

585
00:33:55,800 --> 00:33:59,920
Speaker 4: a huge relationship researchers. We talked about the four horsemen

586
00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:04,479
Speaker 4: the Apocalypse, and defensiveness is one of them. So it

587
00:34:04,520 --> 00:34:06,479
Speaker 4: begins with you, right, So you have to say you

588
00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:08,640
Speaker 4: have to ask yourself, am I bringing this up in

589
00:34:08,719 --> 00:34:14,720
Speaker 4: such a way that I'm not being sensitive to how

590
00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:18,040
Speaker 4: this could be received? Am I just thinking about like

591
00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:23,960
Speaker 4: myself in this conversation. Being able to give and receive

592
00:34:24,440 --> 00:34:28,840
Speaker 4: feedback is like an art in a relationship because we

593
00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:32,719
Speaker 4: really have to be able to receive feedback from our partners,

594
00:34:33,200 --> 00:34:35,080
Speaker 4: and we have to be able to give it in

595
00:34:35,120 --> 00:34:41,840
Speaker 4: a way that's tender true, you know, like the truth,

596
00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:48,760
Speaker 4: but still some tenderness there. So if you're with someone

597
00:34:48,800 --> 00:34:51,680
Speaker 4: and you're constantly getting defensive, and you can just say,

598
00:34:51,719 --> 00:34:54,600
Speaker 4: I can see that this is really striking a nerve

599
00:34:54,640 --> 00:34:57,000
Speaker 4: and this is really hard for you, and I'm sorry

600
00:34:57,040 --> 00:34:59,040
Speaker 4: that it's hard for you. Do you want to take

601
00:34:59,080 --> 00:35:01,000
Speaker 4: a time out and we can talk about this later.

602
00:35:03,280 --> 00:35:07,160
Speaker 2: Biggest takeaway that you want people to get from your book, I.

603
00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:12,880
Speaker 4: Want people to feel incredibly inspired and feeling like they

604
00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:18,160
Speaker 4: can make the changes that they want to make. That's

605
00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:21,040
Speaker 4: what I want. I want people to feel like some

606
00:35:21,120 --> 00:35:24,880
Speaker 4: of the best experiences that I've had in the last

607
00:35:24,920 --> 00:35:30,160
Speaker 4: ten years is like just that feeling of I wouldn't

608
00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:31,840
Speaker 4: even say the last ten years, I would say probably

609
00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:34,480
Speaker 4: my whole life. Just that feeling of just being so

610
00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:37,680
Speaker 4: inspired by something that you want to take action, that

611
00:35:37,719 --> 00:35:40,920
Speaker 4: you want to like do something differently. So I really

612
00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:44,600
Speaker 4: want people to feel very empowered, honestly.

613
00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:48,359
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's possible, you know, Yeah, they get that

614
00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:50,359
Speaker 2: practice practice, And.

615
00:35:50,400 --> 00:35:53,120
Speaker 4: The book was designed to have people. You know, there's

616
00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:54,840
Speaker 4: going to be some truths that are going to really

617
00:35:54,920 --> 00:35:57,840
Speaker 4: land for some people. There's going to be some truths

618
00:35:57,880 --> 00:36:00,920
Speaker 4: that are going to be the one that they need

619
00:36:01,120 --> 00:36:03,319
Speaker 4: the most, but they're not going to be ready for

620
00:36:03,360 --> 00:36:06,320
Speaker 4: it yet. And so you're just It's when I designed

621
00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:08,399
Speaker 4: the book so that you can just keep going back

622
00:36:08,440 --> 00:36:10,320
Speaker 4: to it and read it again and read certain truths,

623
00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:12,480
Speaker 4: or maybe just work on one truth or for a

624
00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:14,160
Speaker 4: little while and then move on to another.

625
00:36:15,239 --> 00:36:15,439
Speaker 3: Yeah.

626
00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:16,080
Speaker 4: I love that.

627
00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:18,480
Speaker 2: Well, Jillian, Thank you so much for coming on everyone.

628
00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:20,680
Speaker 2: Get it begins with you, the nine heart truths about

629
00:36:20,719 --> 00:36:22,160
Speaker 2: love that will change your life.

630
00:36:22,480 --> 00:36:23,680
Speaker 4: Thank you so much.

631
00:36:23,960 --> 00:36:26,919
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for having me really appreciate it.

632
00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:28,160
Speaker 2: Thank you for everything you do.

633
00:36:28,680 --> 00:36:31,160
Speaker 4: Oh, thank you I appreciate you so much. I have

634
00:36:31,200 --> 00:36:36,600
Speaker 4: a happy, happy New Year guys. Bye,