1 00:00:00,640 --> 00:00:04,040 Speaker 1: The Our Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in 2 00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:19,960 Speaker 1: partnership with I Heart Radio. Welcome to the Our Spot. 3 00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:23,760 Speaker 1: I am Yngla, your host for what I intend to 4 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:29,000 Speaker 1: be an exciting, formative, and transformative journey through the world 5 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:34,720 Speaker 1: of relationships. This is the place where we will examine, explore, dissect, 6 00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:41,600 Speaker 1: and investigate issues related to relationships, all types of relationships. 7 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:45,400 Speaker 1: I want to begin by voicing my gratitude to Shondaland 8 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:50,239 Speaker 1: and I Heart Media for providing me, providing us with 9 00:00:50,479 --> 00:00:54,480 Speaker 1: this platform to explore and discuss what I believe is 10 00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:58,000 Speaker 1: one of the most pressing issues in the world today, 11 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:03,400 Speaker 1: the issues that arise um and surround relationships. Now. My 12 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:07,640 Speaker 1: vision for offering the Our Spot is to support and 13 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:12,840 Speaker 1: facilitate discussions and conversations in which we all learn and 14 00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:18,000 Speaker 1: develop the skills and tools required to make our relationships work. 15 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:20,479 Speaker 1: And you are going to be able to call me 16 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:24,000 Speaker 1: and talk to me live. I'll be taking live listener 17 00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:29,160 Speaker 1: calls and sharing the real, raw experiences with you each week. 18 00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:32,400 Speaker 1: And I want you to understand a few things about me. 19 00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:37,880 Speaker 1: I was a hopeless love a hall like I love 20 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:40,720 Speaker 1: being in love, but just could not get my love 21 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:45,120 Speaker 1: to work or pay off in my relationships. Then, after 22 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:50,240 Speaker 1: a series of heartbreaks and deep heartache, I finally got 23 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:53,960 Speaker 1: clear about what love is and what it is not. 24 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:57,720 Speaker 1: That's when I learned how to love me more than 25 00:01:57,760 --> 00:02:01,320 Speaker 1: I was willing to chase after the people's loves, and 26 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:06,920 Speaker 1: that's when my relationships became healthy, fulfilling, fun and loving. 27 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:10,520 Speaker 1: I want to share some of that, some of what 28 00:02:10,639 --> 00:02:16,480 Speaker 1: I've learned about love aholism, just in case there are 29 00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:19,960 Speaker 1: any love aholics out there who may need some recovery 30 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:24,560 Speaker 1: skills and tools. Because relationships are in the central part 31 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:29,320 Speaker 1: of our lives. Relationships are the places we grow, the 32 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:34,960 Speaker 1: places we experience love. Yet for some reason, surely it 33 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:40,919 Speaker 1: escapes me. Making relationships work productively, making them fulfilling, and 34 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:46,040 Speaker 1: making relationships meaningful is something that many of us struggle with. 35 00:02:46,639 --> 00:02:50,160 Speaker 1: We simply don't have the tools, and I believe many 36 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:54,799 Speaker 1: of us have the wrong idea about what a relationship is, 37 00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:58,800 Speaker 1: what they do, and why they even exist. We don't 38 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:05,440 Speaker 1: always realize that relationships are classrooms, they are laboratories of healing. 39 00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:10,640 Speaker 1: And because we have the wrong idea about what relationships 40 00:03:10,639 --> 00:03:13,440 Speaker 1: are and the purposes they serve, we look for the 41 00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:18,400 Speaker 1: wrong things in the wrong ways and make an absolute 42 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:22,640 Speaker 1: mass of our relationships, whether it's your mother, your sister, 43 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:26,960 Speaker 1: your cousin, your co worker, or your boot, every relationship 44 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:32,080 Speaker 1: you have or have had as a purpose. And here 45 00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:35,160 Speaker 1: at the our spot, we are going to get clear 46 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:39,120 Speaker 1: as a ding dong bell about the purpose of every 47 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:43,240 Speaker 1: relationship we are having, because the truth is, the only 48 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:48,360 Speaker 1: relationship you are ever having with anyone is a reflection 49 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:54,320 Speaker 1: of the relationship you are having with yourself. Oh or 50 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:58,440 Speaker 1: that that's a mouthful. I learned that until I got 51 00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:05,520 Speaker 1: right with me, until I totally and unconditionally accepted and 52 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:13,360 Speaker 1: loved myself, my relationships were hard, confusing, chaotic, disappointing, disfunctional, 53 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:19,200 Speaker 1: and downright exhausting. In other words, they weren't working. OHI baby, 54 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,039 Speaker 1: that's where we're going here on the art spot, So 55 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:29,000 Speaker 1: let's get started. The greatest love of all is the 56 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:33,440 Speaker 1: love you have for yourself. One of the first letters 57 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:36,680 Speaker 1: I received when we announced that I was doing the 58 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:40,880 Speaker 1: art spot came from a woman named Maddie Blanchard. Miss 59 00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:45,640 Speaker 1: Maddie asked me straight, no chaser, missy Omla, how did 60 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:49,360 Speaker 1: you fall in love with yourself? Well? Thank you miss 61 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:53,480 Speaker 1: Maddie for that beautiful setup for this our first show 62 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:58,640 Speaker 1: here on the art spot. I really have a special 63 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:03,240 Speaker 1: special place in heart and much gratitude for my coller 64 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:07,280 Speaker 1: today because she raises an issue that I know millions 65 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:12,000 Speaker 1: of women around the world face every single day as 66 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:16,760 Speaker 1: a result of post cancer surgery and the way it 67 00:05:16,839 --> 00:05:20,080 Speaker 1: changes our body and our sense of self and our 68 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:23,360 Speaker 1: body image. And my collar today is dealing with it 69 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:28,479 Speaker 1: with such courage and her question, well, seemingly simple and 70 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:33,159 Speaker 1: maybe to some insignificant, just nails the issue. Nails it. 71 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:38,400 Speaker 1: Good afternoon, beloved, How are you? Oh my god, I'm wonderful. 72 00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:42,560 Speaker 1: How are you? I'm blessed. Thank you well, you sound excited. 73 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:44,080 Speaker 1: You didn't know you were going to talk to me. 74 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:48,880 Speaker 1: This is a dream come true. I love you so much. 75 00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:55,640 Speaker 1: Love is good and it's free. So I thank you 76 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:58,599 Speaker 1: for calling in And how can I support you today? 77 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:04,240 Speaker 1: What is your question? Concern? Own, issue, challenge, difficulty problem? 78 00:06:04,279 --> 00:06:06,840 Speaker 1: I was really trying to figure out what would be 79 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:09,520 Speaker 1: the best topic for you today, and I think the 80 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:12,880 Speaker 1: biggest one for me. It's been a challenge of mine 81 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:17,039 Speaker 1: for going on almost eight years now. Um, I'm forty 82 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:20,760 Speaker 1: years old and seven, almost eight years ago, I had 83 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:24,880 Speaker 1: a mess ectomy with chess will reconstruction. So my body 84 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:28,880 Speaker 1: is altered and it's just it's different. And so I've 85 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:32,599 Speaker 1: been on this emotional and physical healing journey, and so 86 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:37,240 Speaker 1: my love life, my dating life has just been uh 87 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:41,400 Speaker 1: well non existent, and um, it's been very difficult. And 88 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:44,360 Speaker 1: so I guess today I wanted to kind of talk 89 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:48,640 Speaker 1: about how I can share my story with someone when 90 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:51,840 Speaker 1: I meet someone new, UM, because it's still to stay 91 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:54,680 Speaker 1: very frightening for me. UM. I want to learn how 92 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:57,800 Speaker 1: to share my story with someone in a way that 93 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:03,640 Speaker 1: still honors my story and also like braces them for 94 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:07,880 Speaker 1: the reality that my body is is just different. I 95 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:10,760 Speaker 1: have this initial kind of gut reaction when I go 96 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:15,960 Speaker 1: into it, almost like I'm I'm preparing myself for rejection. 97 00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:22,880 Speaker 1: And yeah, that's I guess that's world story. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, 98 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:28,200 Speaker 1: beautiful question. Thank you so much for your courage. Thank 99 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:32,880 Speaker 1: you because there are hundreds of thousands of sister women 100 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:38,680 Speaker 1: who are struggling with this, and I have to tell you, 101 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:41,800 Speaker 1: I don't think I've ever heard of discussed out loud, 102 00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:45,400 Speaker 1: So thank you. So two things I would like to 103 00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:49,280 Speaker 1: ask you, and if they feel too private, you don't 104 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:52,240 Speaker 1: have to respond. I'm going to call you miss e 105 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,640 Speaker 1: so that you could be anybody in the universe. But 106 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:59,000 Speaker 1: he also stands for excellence, so I'm gonna call you 107 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:06,120 Speaker 1: miss excellence. Did you have reconstructive surgery? No? I did not? 108 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:11,200 Speaker 1: Good Okay, no, No, that's enough. No, I did not period. 109 00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:18,120 Speaker 1: That's a that's a full answer. What I hear and 110 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:22,360 Speaker 1: what I would like to explore with you is the 111 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:26,960 Speaker 1: story you're telling yourself about your body number one. And 112 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:32,120 Speaker 1: the story you're telling yourself about what somebody else may 113 00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:36,680 Speaker 1: think about your body. That's number two, because the only 114 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:39,680 Speaker 1: thing that you're going to get back is the story 115 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:43,160 Speaker 1: you're telling yourself. So I heard you say you're bracing 116 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:46,960 Speaker 1: yourself for rejection. I heard you say, and correct me 117 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:50,960 Speaker 1: if I'm wrong, a lack of acceptance of who you 118 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:55,160 Speaker 1: are because your body is different. Mm hmm okay, So 119 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:58,760 Speaker 1: what's the story you're telling yourself about the fact that 120 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:02,360 Speaker 1: you have no breast or one breast? Which is it? 121 00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:08,320 Speaker 1: One on my left side? One very small one. Hey, 122 00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:15,200 Speaker 1: it only takes a mouthful, darling. So you need people 123 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:18,400 Speaker 1: have to stay in their life on a mouthful of breast. 124 00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:22,680 Speaker 1: That's all you need, just one low mouthful. Well, that's 125 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:24,760 Speaker 1: a good way to think about it. Listen, you only 126 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:27,200 Speaker 1: need one mouthful and you you only got one mouth 127 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:33,520 Speaker 1: Here you go. How about that? As we embark on 128 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:37,400 Speaker 1: this journey together, this Our Spot journey, the thing I 129 00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:41,199 Speaker 1: want to share is how to fall in love with yourself. 130 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:51,240 Speaker 1: And we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome 131 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:54,400 Speaker 1: back to the Our Spot. I'm Ymlin. Today we're talking 132 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:57,679 Speaker 1: about falling in love with yourself and we're looking at 133 00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:04,000 Speaker 1: the breakdown that leads to the breakthrough. Okay, so let 134 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,880 Speaker 1: me hear you say this. I want to hear you 135 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:11,520 Speaker 1: say this. Okay, I have one breast. I have one breast. Okay, 136 00:10:11,559 --> 00:10:14,920 Speaker 1: take a breath. Where do you feel that in your body? 137 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:18,400 Speaker 1: Where do you feel that I have one breast? Where 138 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:21,440 Speaker 1: do you feel that in your body? I feel it 139 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:27,400 Speaker 1: in in my chest, and I feel it in my stomach. Okay, stomach, 140 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:33,280 Speaker 1: that's your power center. So I have one breast because 141 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:38,760 Speaker 1: I have one breast because I had to sacrifice the 142 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:41,800 Speaker 1: other one in order to save my life. Now, where 143 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:44,520 Speaker 1: do you feel that in your body? I fill that 144 00:10:44,679 --> 00:10:48,679 Speaker 1: in my in my throat, and in my chest. M 145 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:52,920 Speaker 1: what is the film of stomach though? Okay, let's let's 146 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:56,439 Speaker 1: go to the next level. Okay. I have one breast 147 00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:59,040 Speaker 1: because I had to sacrifice the other one to save 148 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:04,199 Speaker 1: my life. And that makes me feel and that makes 149 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:09,760 Speaker 1: me feel sad. It makes me feel sad because it 150 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:15,000 Speaker 1: makes me feel sad. I didn't ask for this. Take 151 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:18,559 Speaker 1: a breath. Let it all come up. That's just the story. 152 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:22,560 Speaker 1: Let it all come up. I have one breath because 153 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:26,160 Speaker 1: I had to sacrifice the other one to save my life, 154 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:29,920 Speaker 1: and that makes me feel sad because I didn't ask 155 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:35,920 Speaker 1: for this. Where do you feel that in your body? Ah? 156 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:41,240 Speaker 1: I feel that in my heart, my heart. Yeah, take 157 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:46,559 Speaker 1: a breath. You're not breathing. You're holding your breath waiting 158 00:11:46,559 --> 00:11:50,160 Speaker 1: for that rejection. When you meet someone and for the 159 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:54,040 Speaker 1: first time you unbutton your blouse and exposed to them, 160 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:56,160 Speaker 1: and you've set it up in your mind where they're 161 00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:58,160 Speaker 1: just gonna, I don't know what they're gonna do, fall 162 00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:00,520 Speaker 1: on the floor and scream or run, screw even from 163 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:03,079 Speaker 1: the room. Which one are you waiting for? Because you've 164 00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:06,680 Speaker 1: set it up in your I want you to hear 165 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:11,280 Speaker 1: your story this far, So here comes Danny Nice, forty 166 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:13,920 Speaker 1: seven years old. It's got on a blue shirt and 167 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:17,760 Speaker 1: some jeans, looking real sexy, but it's tight butt. And 168 00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:19,640 Speaker 1: you'll sit down and you have a nice you have 169 00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:23,000 Speaker 1: a nice dinner together, you know, and he's liking you, 170 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:25,760 Speaker 1: and you're liking him, and you feel it in your 171 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:28,880 Speaker 1: stomach and in your chest and in your heart, and 172 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:31,080 Speaker 1: you're gonna say, Danny, I have to tell you something 173 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:35,840 Speaker 1: before we go any further. We're gonna say, Danny, I 174 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:39,839 Speaker 1: want you to know that I have one breath left. One. 175 00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:43,120 Speaker 1: It's little, but it's a mouthful, and that's really all 176 00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:47,120 Speaker 1: you need. You have one breath because I had to 177 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:50,719 Speaker 1: sacrifice the other one to save my life. And that 178 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:53,280 Speaker 1: makes me feel sad because I didn't ask for this. 179 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:56,640 Speaker 1: I'm really glad to be alive and I'm glad to 180 00:12:56,679 --> 00:12:59,400 Speaker 1: have met you today, but I wanted you to know 181 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:04,440 Speaker 1: my story. Take a breath, jure putting the emphasis on 182 00:13:04,559 --> 00:13:06,560 Speaker 1: the missing breast and not on the fact that you 183 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:09,280 Speaker 1: are alive and can still have the opportunity to date 184 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:15,480 Speaker 1: Danny or Bruce Fred or somebody. And it's okay to 185 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:18,880 Speaker 1: be sad, and don't read his face, let him take 186 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:21,400 Speaker 1: it in. He's only got one mouth and you've got 187 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:24,360 Speaker 1: a mouthful of breast, and you'll work it out if 188 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:30,320 Speaker 1: it gets that far. Ah, come on, tell me what 189 00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:33,839 Speaker 1: you're thinking right there? What was that right there? Um? 190 00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:42,640 Speaker 1: That hearing you say it, it just feels like it's 191 00:13:42,679 --> 00:13:47,320 Speaker 1: something that is just so real and that I I 192 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:50,640 Speaker 1: feel like I could do that and um, okay, so 193 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:53,400 Speaker 1: let's do it. You tell me your story. My name 194 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,800 Speaker 1: is Danny. Hi. You want some more guacamole? Here, have 195 00:13:56,840 --> 00:14:02,360 Speaker 1: a little more guacamole. Is this pineapple margharita just the best? 196 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:04,240 Speaker 1: I've had a lot of pineapple margaart Rey just but 197 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:06,320 Speaker 1: I'm telling you, this is really the best. Thank you 198 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:11,280 Speaker 1: for recommending this place. It's really good. Danny. Um, I 199 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:15,160 Speaker 1: really need to share um something with you. I need 200 00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:19,080 Speaker 1: to share my story with you before we have another margharita. Okay, yeah, 201 00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:21,160 Speaker 1: because then I'll be too drunk and I'll be talking 202 00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:31,840 Speaker 1: out my head. Ahead, Um, Danny, I only have I 203 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:36,480 Speaker 1: only have one breast, and it's because I had to 204 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:38,880 Speaker 1: sacrifice the other way in order to save my life. 205 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,960 Speaker 1: And it makes me really sad because it's not something 206 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:47,400 Speaker 1: that that I wanted. It's not something that I I 207 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:54,240 Speaker 1: chose for myself. But I still have one. I had 208 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:56,640 Speaker 1: tell him the rest, tell him the rest. I only 209 00:14:56,680 --> 00:15:05,000 Speaker 1: have one. And and it's abouthful, ye say, And that's 210 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:14,840 Speaker 1: all you need, Danny. So how does it feel? Where 211 00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:17,600 Speaker 1: do you feel it in your body? To speak it 212 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:20,280 Speaker 1: that way? Where do you feel that in your body? 213 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:24,600 Speaker 1: I feel it. It's why it's in my chest a 214 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:27,800 Speaker 1: little bit. Um. It's weird. It's also I feel it 215 00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:29,960 Speaker 1: kind of on my shoulders too. It's like I'm just 216 00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:35,680 Speaker 1: carrying it differently. It took a lot of the weight 217 00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:39,920 Speaker 1: off of off of my story. It just it feels 218 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:43,680 Speaker 1: lighter when I say it like that. I want to 219 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:51,200 Speaker 1: invite you to transform this from my story into my experience. 220 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:55,760 Speaker 1: I want to share my experience because your story is 221 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:59,880 Speaker 1: really what you're telling yourself that people will do when 222 00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:03,720 Speaker 1: you share your experience. And very often we get S 223 00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:06,880 Speaker 1: O S which is stuck on story, which makes us 224 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:11,080 Speaker 1: stuck on stupid. But I want to tell you what. 225 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:16,560 Speaker 1: It's so brilliant, brilliant about what you've shared. You didn't 226 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:22,520 Speaker 1: go into the drama of almost that. You were very 227 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:28,080 Speaker 1: clear that I had to sacrifice my brass to save 228 00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:32,920 Speaker 1: my life. That beloved is a conscious choice. That's a 229 00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:36,840 Speaker 1: conscious choice, and your choice is your power. So you 230 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:42,040 Speaker 1: made a powerful choice to save your life. And if 231 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:45,920 Speaker 1: that meant you had to sacrifice your right breast, so 232 00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:50,160 Speaker 1: be it. So be it. But I want you to 233 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:53,080 Speaker 1: get up underneath that story you're telling yourself about your 234 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:56,240 Speaker 1: body being different. Yeah, it's different. So it's mine because 235 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:58,480 Speaker 1: at my age, a lot of different things have happened 236 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:04,479 Speaker 1: to my body. There are things in places that they 237 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,280 Speaker 1: weren't things before, and things that are not in place 238 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:12,040 Speaker 1: that they were. It's a mass, trust me. And the 239 00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:14,920 Speaker 1: good news is I have too breaths want They both 240 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:17,280 Speaker 1: fell down, So now when you get to be my age, 241 00:17:17,359 --> 00:17:20,440 Speaker 1: you only have one to fall down. That'll be that's exciting. 242 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:28,880 Speaker 1: Let's to pick up. I want you to get under 243 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:32,560 Speaker 1: that story of what you're telling yourself about your body 244 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:35,560 Speaker 1: being different, and we'll do that right after the break. 245 00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:48,280 Speaker 1: Welcome back. I am y Len. This is the our spot, 246 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:51,679 Speaker 1: and we're talking today about how do you fall in 247 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:55,800 Speaker 1: love with yourself? I want you to get under that 248 00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:58,720 Speaker 1: story of what you're telling yourself, and the way that 249 00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:02,600 Speaker 1: you're gonna get on to that story is to write 250 00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:05,800 Speaker 1: that story out. I've got one breast. I did, but damn, 251 00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:08,320 Speaker 1: people gonna see me. They're gonna run screaming from the room, 252 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:11,960 Speaker 1: or nobody want me to bootle bo. You know, there's 253 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,040 Speaker 1: a lot of women with two breasts and still nobody 254 00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:20,600 Speaker 1: wants them, so you ain't good company. It's the story, beloved. 255 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:24,760 Speaker 1: It is not the fact that you made a powerful 256 00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:31,600 Speaker 1: choice to sacrifice your right breast in order to stay alive. 257 00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:35,679 Speaker 1: Is the experience that you had and the choice that 258 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:39,200 Speaker 1: you make, and I want you to honor and celebrate 259 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:43,560 Speaker 1: yourself for that. You take a breath, tell me what 260 00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,720 Speaker 1: you hear me saying. You don't have to repeat my words, 261 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:48,960 Speaker 1: but I want to get in that story. I want 262 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,879 Speaker 1: to hear what you heard me say about you. I 263 00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:54,919 Speaker 1: heard you say that this is my experience and that 264 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:58,280 Speaker 1: it goes from just the story that I'm telling myself 265 00:18:58,359 --> 00:19:02,560 Speaker 1: to this experience that I have, I have lived, and 266 00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:06,760 Speaker 1: and that I made the choice to sacrifice my breast, 267 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:09,760 Speaker 1: and that was that was a conscious voice that I 268 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:15,280 Speaker 1: made in order to to live. Yes, and drink Margarita's, 269 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:23,200 Speaker 1: and drink margarita I again applaud your courage. I want 270 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:26,159 Speaker 1: to tell you something, and I promise you this is 271 00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:30,359 Speaker 1: the absolute truth. My mother had breast cancer. She discovered 272 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:33,080 Speaker 1: she had breast cancer when she was pregnant with me. 273 00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:37,199 Speaker 1: This was way back in the fifties and she was 274 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:40,920 Speaker 1: a poor woman of color, and back then, the only 275 00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:46,639 Speaker 1: treatment for many women with breast cancer was a mastectomy. 276 00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:50,639 Speaker 1: And I don't remember my mother because I was too 277 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:54,000 Speaker 1: when this happened. They wanted to do a mastectomy and 278 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:59,120 Speaker 1: my mother refused. She wouldn't sacrifice her breast. So when 279 00:19:59,119 --> 00:20:03,200 Speaker 1: I was too years and six months, my mother died. 280 00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:08,359 Speaker 1: She surrendered her life to breast cancer rather than lose 281 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:12,480 Speaker 1: her breast. And you sacrifice your right breast in order 282 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:16,399 Speaker 1: to stay alive. What a powerful choice, because my mother 283 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:20,440 Speaker 1: went to her grave rather than to make that sacrifice. 284 00:20:21,119 --> 00:20:24,639 Speaker 1: Oh my God, take a breath. I also want you 285 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:26,720 Speaker 1: to learn how to breathe because you don't do that. 286 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,960 Speaker 1: Stop holding your breath. You're gonna meet Danny at the restaurant. 287 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,520 Speaker 1: You're gonna have a margarite and some guacamole, and you're 288 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:40,600 Speaker 1: gonna be just fine. I love you. Okay, get under 289 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:44,080 Speaker 1: that story, baby, Please go into that story. Right it out. 290 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:46,600 Speaker 1: And every time you hit the point where it hits 291 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,600 Speaker 1: your stomach or your chest or your throat. You say, 292 00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:54,800 Speaker 1: I have one breast because I chose to sacrifice the 293 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:58,439 Speaker 1: other to save my life. And I want you to 294 00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:01,639 Speaker 1: take off that part of this. And I didn't ask 295 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:04,800 Speaker 1: for this, or if you leave it on, I didn't 296 00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:08,600 Speaker 1: ask for this, but I am woman enough to handle it. 297 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:14,200 Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, yes, and woman enough to handle it. 298 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:17,040 Speaker 1: And there'll be a man who's man enough to handle me. 299 00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:21,240 Speaker 1: And the mouthful that I got to offer yes, yes, 300 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:33,560 Speaker 1: just like yeah, put your big girl panties on. Yeah, 301 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:36,920 Speaker 1: it's a lovely story. You could tell anybody. He might 302 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:42,200 Speaker 1: just stand up in applause. Who knows. Thank you so 303 00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:45,680 Speaker 1: much for sharing your courageous story with me, And if 304 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:48,920 Speaker 1: you meet Danny or Bruce or Fred or whoever, please 305 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:52,679 Speaker 1: write me and let me know how they responded. I 306 00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:56,119 Speaker 1: really do thank you, because I know there are hundreds 307 00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:59,560 Speaker 1: of thousands of other sister women who needed to hear this. 308 00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:04,359 Speaker 1: So thank you so much, thank you, thank you, thank you. 309 00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:07,479 Speaker 1: I'm grateful for you, and please continue to listen to 310 00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:14,760 Speaker 1: our spot. We think people come into our life and 311 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:17,560 Speaker 1: love us and that we love them back, but the 312 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:22,159 Speaker 1: truth is that people come into our life. We have 313 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:28,119 Speaker 1: relationships with other people to demonstrate to ourselves the depth 314 00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:32,360 Speaker 1: of love we are capable of. Now, Unfortunately, we are 315 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:35,400 Speaker 1: much better at pouring that love on other people than 316 00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:38,359 Speaker 1: we are about giving it to ourselves. How do you 317 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:42,520 Speaker 1: fall in love with yourself? One day at a time, 318 00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:46,960 Speaker 1: one kind gesture at a time, one card wasn't bouquet 319 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:50,480 Speaker 1: of flowers, one box of candy at a time that 320 00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:55,919 Speaker 1: you give to yourself. It takes time, and there'll be 321 00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:59,439 Speaker 1: some days you don't like you, and that's okay. It 322 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:04,280 Speaker 1: takes patients. It takes patience. You gotta be patient with 323 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:07,320 Speaker 1: yourself when you see how ridiculous you are as a 324 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:12,640 Speaker 1: human being. Well, since this is our first time together, 325 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:15,080 Speaker 1: I don't want to overwhelm you, but I want to 326 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:19,159 Speaker 1: start right here. You want to love yourself, find some 327 00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:25,600 Speaker 1: time each day to spend with you. Every relationship starts 328 00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:30,600 Speaker 1: by spending time with the other person, whether it's online 329 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:34,080 Speaker 1: or on the phone or in person. And since you 330 00:23:34,119 --> 00:23:39,560 Speaker 1: don't have to call yourself, you could start just spending 331 00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:44,400 Speaker 1: time with you, quiet time with yourself. Now, I don't 332 00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:47,919 Speaker 1: want you to interrogate yourself, but I do want you 333 00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:52,760 Speaker 1: to make some deep inquiries of yourself about what is 334 00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:57,960 Speaker 1: the story you're telling yourself about yourself and what you 335 00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:02,320 Speaker 1: think other people will tell themselves about you. It's important 336 00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:06,320 Speaker 1: that you understand that because what you tell yourself about 337 00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:11,840 Speaker 1: yourself will determine the foundation of your relationship with everyone. 338 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:16,040 Speaker 1: What is the story you're telling yourself about yourself? And 339 00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:19,000 Speaker 1: is it a love story or is it a horror 340 00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:24,320 Speaker 1: story that recounts every single thing that you think is 341 00:24:24,359 --> 00:24:28,480 Speaker 1: wrong with you? Now I can imagine that you may 342 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:32,000 Speaker 1: be asking yourself, well, who are you at? What can 343 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:35,199 Speaker 1: you tell me about relationships that I don't already know? 344 00:24:35,359 --> 00:24:37,919 Speaker 1: And I think that's a fair question. So let me 345 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:42,320 Speaker 1: give you a little background on me so that you'll 346 00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:47,200 Speaker 1: understand how I learn the skills to step all up 347 00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:52,720 Speaker 1: in your relationship business. I am a La no Nasy 348 00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:56,080 Speaker 1: on the van ZANDT. While some of you may know 349 00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:59,680 Speaker 1: about me and my climb from the basement of life 350 00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:04,119 Speaker 1: to become a lawyer, a minister, a spiritual life coach, 351 00:25:04,359 --> 00:25:07,520 Speaker 1: and the host of Illan La Fixed My Life on 352 00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:11,879 Speaker 1: the Oprah Winfrey Network, others may be new to the 353 00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:15,600 Speaker 1: world and persona of Illan La van zand So allow 354 00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:22,360 Speaker 1: me to introduce myself. I am yam La born Rhonda 355 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:25,560 Speaker 1: Eva Harris in a year I won't bother to mention 356 00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:31,520 Speaker 1: out loud. I was born to an alcoholic mother and 357 00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:35,040 Speaker 1: a womanizing father. My father was a married man and 358 00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:38,720 Speaker 1: my mother was the other woman. I was the second 359 00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:44,240 Speaker 1: child of three born in that relationship. My birth mother, 360 00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:48,639 Speaker 1: Sahara Elizabeth, died when I was about two and a 361 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:53,400 Speaker 1: half almost three. Unfortunately, growing up, I didn't remember that, 362 00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:57,040 Speaker 1: and the big people in my life, the adults, well 363 00:25:57,240 --> 00:26:01,120 Speaker 1: they decided that it would be better for me if 364 00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:04,560 Speaker 1: I didn't know that, so they just never mentioned that 365 00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:07,800 Speaker 1: my mother was dead. So I was taught and raised 366 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:12,960 Speaker 1: to believe that my father's wife, my stepmother, was my mother. 367 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:16,159 Speaker 1: My stepmother, who in the end turned out to be 368 00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:19,960 Speaker 1: a living angel in my life, was part Cuban and 369 00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:23,760 Speaker 1: part Jamaican, which man, I didn't look anything like her that. 370 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:28,359 Speaker 1: She was fair skinned, I was not. The texture of 371 00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:33,920 Speaker 1: her hair was soft and fine. Mine was not. She 372 00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:40,720 Speaker 1: was delicate, almost fragile, and very demera. I was anything 373 00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:44,399 Speaker 1: but that, and so that's how it began for me. 374 00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:49,320 Speaker 1: I looked different, I felt different. I was different from 375 00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:53,119 Speaker 1: my mother and no one can tell me why. I 376 00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:56,919 Speaker 1: tell you this not for the shock value, but to 377 00:26:57,119 --> 00:27:01,800 Speaker 1: emphasize that what we experienced to his children, what we 378 00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:06,360 Speaker 1: are taught, and what we are exposed to in our 379 00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:12,520 Speaker 1: formative years becomes the foundation of our relationship with ourselves, 380 00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:17,200 Speaker 1: but also the structure and template we used to build 381 00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:21,800 Speaker 1: all of our relationships. It's called a bonding pattern. I 382 00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:26,679 Speaker 1: was raised by my Native American grandmother until I was 383 00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:31,280 Speaker 1: five years old. Now she favored my brother, who was 384 00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:35,960 Speaker 1: a severe asthmatic, watching my father move in and out 385 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:41,399 Speaker 1: of my life, going with him when he visited his girlfriends, 386 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:46,760 Speaker 1: being bribed into silence with candy and ice cream, meeting 387 00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:50,760 Speaker 1: a woman and then another woman, and then the woman 388 00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:54,240 Speaker 1: I was told was my mother when I was about four, 389 00:27:55,400 --> 00:28:00,639 Speaker 1: a woman who looked nothing like me, and then being 390 00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:06,360 Speaker 1: shuttled around among family members because my father was financially 391 00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:10,239 Speaker 1: unstable and my mother's stepmother could not care for me 392 00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:13,800 Speaker 1: and my brother. Let me just say that my beginnings 393 00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:18,960 Speaker 1: were rough, and by the time I was thirteen, I 394 00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:24,600 Speaker 1: really did not like myself. I had a dark complexion, 395 00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:30,040 Speaker 1: which at the time was not fashionable. I was fat, 396 00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:32,720 Speaker 1: or at least that's what they told me I was also, 397 00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:38,000 Speaker 1: according to my brother, ugly. Then you add to that 398 00:28:38,160 --> 00:28:49,040 Speaker 1: my feelings, my emotions. I felt bad, wrong, ugly, abandoned, unwanted, 399 00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:53,880 Speaker 1: and unloved. Those feelings grew infested until I was about 400 00:28:53,920 --> 00:28:58,240 Speaker 1: twenty one years old, when in the midst of postpartum depression, 401 00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:03,400 Speaker 1: I attempted to take my own life. Well, I'm here today, 402 00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:06,120 Speaker 1: so I guess you know. I failed. But that was 403 00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:10,840 Speaker 1: my first wake up call that something had to change. 404 00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:15,280 Speaker 1: I muddled along for another six or seven years, dragging 405 00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:21,000 Speaker 1: my three children with me, until the internal pain and 406 00:29:21,240 --> 00:29:26,920 Speaker 1: external chaos became so excruciating that I was forced to 407 00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:32,280 Speaker 1: look at myself. I had to look at myself because 408 00:29:32,320 --> 00:29:37,880 Speaker 1: everyone else was gone. I had left my physically abusive husband, 409 00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:41,720 Speaker 1: the fathers of my first two children had left me. 410 00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:46,040 Speaker 1: Most of my friends were in the same or worse 411 00:29:46,200 --> 00:29:49,480 Speaker 1: situations than I was. My father and I were barely 412 00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:53,040 Speaker 1: on speaking terms. I had not seen nor heard from 413 00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:56,760 Speaker 1: my brother in almost three years. I had refused to 414 00:29:56,800 --> 00:30:00,600 Speaker 1: speak to my grandmother for seven years, and my stepmother 415 00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:08,880 Speaker 1: had passed on. I was broke and sad and confused 416 00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:14,840 Speaker 1: and mad as hell. So how did I fall in 417 00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:18,520 Speaker 1: love with myself. Well, for me, it started with a book. 418 00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:22,280 Speaker 1: I was in Borders bookstore. You remember Borders books, right, 419 00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:25,640 Speaker 1: That's when we got books that had covers and pages, 420 00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:29,600 Speaker 1: not that we could scroll through. I don't remember what 421 00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:32,920 Speaker 1: I was looking for, but I was standing in front 422 00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:37,160 Speaker 1: of a shelf when a book literally literally fell off 423 00:30:37,200 --> 00:30:40,240 Speaker 1: the shelf and hit me on the head. That book 424 00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:44,960 Speaker 1: was entitled This Thing Called You by Ernest Holmes. It 425 00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:48,120 Speaker 1: was a small book, almost like a pamphlet. So I 426 00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:51,960 Speaker 1: sat down and started reading it. Now I did buy 427 00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:54,560 Speaker 1: the book, and by the time I got to the 428 00:30:54,760 --> 00:30:59,240 Speaker 1: end of the book, the thing that I understood was 429 00:30:59,280 --> 00:31:03,120 Speaker 1: that I had to change my mind. I had to 430 00:31:03,240 --> 00:31:07,240 Speaker 1: change my way of thinking about who I was, who 431 00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:11,160 Speaker 1: I was not, how I saw myself, how I treated myself, 432 00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:16,760 Speaker 1: what I expected of myself, and what I expected from myself. 433 00:31:17,040 --> 00:31:21,080 Speaker 1: As a result of reading that book and understanding, really 434 00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:25,400 Speaker 1: understanding what the author was trying to convey, I spent 435 00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:32,720 Speaker 1: the next three or four years reading, praying, searching, researching, 436 00:31:33,200 --> 00:31:37,640 Speaker 1: trying to understand who I was and who I was 437 00:31:38,040 --> 00:31:43,320 Speaker 1: choosing to be. It was excruciating because I felt so 438 00:31:43,440 --> 00:31:48,400 Speaker 1: alone and confused and doomed to a life of sadness, 439 00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:53,640 Speaker 1: a loneness and pain. This thing called me was a mess. 440 00:31:54,440 --> 00:32:00,120 Speaker 1: But then I remembered something. See, I grew up in 441 00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:05,200 Speaker 1: the church. My Native American grandmother, who passed as an 442 00:32:05,240 --> 00:32:08,840 Speaker 1: African American, raised me in the church, and if she 443 00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:12,120 Speaker 1: didn't do anything else, she taught me how to pray. 444 00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:18,520 Speaker 1: So in the pitch black darkness of my life, I 445 00:32:18,560 --> 00:32:23,200 Speaker 1: started praying, and that led me to want to create 446 00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:28,000 Speaker 1: a relationship with something greater than me. For me, that 447 00:32:28,400 --> 00:32:31,480 Speaker 1: greater thing was God. But I had to find another 448 00:32:31,560 --> 00:32:33,800 Speaker 1: kind of God because the one I had been taught 449 00:32:33,840 --> 00:32:37,760 Speaker 1: to worship was mean and moody and very far away. 450 00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:40,320 Speaker 1: I had to find a God who knew me and 451 00:32:40,440 --> 00:32:43,440 Speaker 1: loved me and cared about me with all of my 452 00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:48,600 Speaker 1: flaws and pimples and weaknesses and human frailties. Now, for 453 00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:52,520 Speaker 1: some God may not be the route they take into love, 454 00:32:52,880 --> 00:32:57,680 Speaker 1: and that's okay for now. But here's the truth I 455 00:32:57,720 --> 00:33:00,480 Speaker 1: had to consider and you may want to consider. When 456 00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:04,440 Speaker 1: it comes to dealing with human beings. It takes a 457 00:33:04,560 --> 00:33:09,080 Speaker 1: little more than human skill and human know how to 458 00:33:09,240 --> 00:33:12,920 Speaker 1: deal with other human beings. But that's just life. According 459 00:33:12,960 --> 00:33:18,200 Speaker 1: to Iyamlah, you feel totally free to ignore that juicy 460 00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:21,560 Speaker 1: little tidbit. So how did I fall in love with myself? 461 00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:25,400 Speaker 1: It took me quite a while, but for me, it 462 00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:30,400 Speaker 1: started with forgiveness. I started forgiving all of the people 463 00:33:31,200 --> 00:33:35,160 Speaker 1: that had taught me that I was unlovable, all of 464 00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:39,840 Speaker 1: the people who had abused me, abandoned me, neglecting and 465 00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:44,680 Speaker 1: rejected me. All of the people who had lied to me. Now, 466 00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:48,360 Speaker 1: there were a lot of incidents and experiences along the way, 467 00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:50,720 Speaker 1: but I'm not gonna give you that. I'm just gonna 468 00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:56,760 Speaker 1: give you the top line. Once I started forgiving them, 469 00:33:56,800 --> 00:33:59,920 Speaker 1: I had to. I didn't want to, but I had 470 00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:05,520 Speaker 1: to look at my own behavior, how I had participated 471 00:34:05,680 --> 00:34:08,839 Speaker 1: in my own pain. I had to look at the 472 00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:13,760 Speaker 1: lies I had told myself and those I had told 473 00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:18,360 Speaker 1: other people, which gave them the right to treat me poorly. 474 00:34:18,719 --> 00:34:22,640 Speaker 1: Let me be very very clear, I had a myriad 475 00:34:22,840 --> 00:34:27,240 Speaker 1: of disfunctional relationships in my life, but none of them 476 00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:33,359 Speaker 1: was more dysfunctional than my relationship with myself. I had 477 00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:38,480 Speaker 1: rejected myself, I had abandoned myself, I had neglected myself. 478 00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:42,520 Speaker 1: I had lied to myself. And that is exactly what 479 00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:48,040 Speaker 1: I experienced in every relationship I was having with every 480 00:34:48,080 --> 00:34:55,000 Speaker 1: person in my life, particularly men. Uh. As we embark 481 00:34:55,160 --> 00:34:59,200 Speaker 1: on this our spot journey together, I will tell you 482 00:34:59,719 --> 00:35:03,960 Speaker 1: more one. We have so much to explore and discuss 483 00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:07,000 Speaker 1: together here on the art Spot. In the coming weeks, 484 00:35:07,040 --> 00:35:10,240 Speaker 1: we are going to look at some really juicy, tasty 485 00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:15,480 Speaker 1: relationship issues, things like what is a healthy relationship? I 486 00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:19,719 Speaker 1: am astonished at the number of people who don't know 487 00:35:19,840 --> 00:35:23,319 Speaker 1: what a healthy relationship is. We're gonna look at how 488 00:35:23,360 --> 00:35:26,920 Speaker 1: do you know when it's time to let go, because 489 00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:31,560 Speaker 1: we will hold on and squeeze the last breath out 490 00:35:31,560 --> 00:35:36,280 Speaker 1: of a dying relationship. How do you love again after 491 00:35:36,320 --> 00:35:40,720 Speaker 1: being laughed or losing a loved one? That's an important issue, 492 00:35:40,760 --> 00:35:46,880 Speaker 1: particularly at this time. How do you identify abuse in 493 00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:50,600 Speaker 1: a relationship, because there are all kinds of abuse, some 494 00:35:50,719 --> 00:35:55,160 Speaker 1: of which go completely unnoticed and unhealed. I want to 495 00:35:55,200 --> 00:35:58,680 Speaker 1: look at the changing definition of marriage because people are 496 00:35:58,719 --> 00:36:01,759 Speaker 1: doing some stuff out there. Just I'm old school. Some 497 00:36:01,840 --> 00:36:04,360 Speaker 1: of this stuff I don't understand. I heard about a 498 00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:11,200 Speaker 1: thing called a thrumble. Somebody helped me, and it's not 499 00:36:11,360 --> 00:36:14,239 Speaker 1: all gonna be heavy and deep and healing. I want 500 00:36:14,239 --> 00:36:17,640 Speaker 1: to talk about sex and how to keep the love 501 00:36:17,760 --> 00:36:22,280 Speaker 1: like burning when you old and the hair has fallen 502 00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:28,640 Speaker 1: off your private parts. How does a relationship survive when 503 00:36:28,640 --> 00:36:33,120 Speaker 1: you have different political or religious views? Because that's a 504 00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:36,359 Speaker 1: hot topic right now. And what about this one? Can 505 00:36:36,400 --> 00:36:39,680 Speaker 1: you love two people at the same time? Yeah, baby, 506 00:36:39,719 --> 00:36:43,239 Speaker 1: we're gonna talk about that, So I hope you will 507 00:36:43,320 --> 00:36:47,799 Speaker 1: come back and tune in as we explore how to 508 00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:56,280 Speaker 1: navigate the often rough but absolutely exciting to rains of relationships. Now, 509 00:36:56,320 --> 00:36:59,879 Speaker 1: even though you're just listening to me talk, I want 510 00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:03,080 Speaker 1: you to participate. I want you to be an active 511 00:37:03,200 --> 00:37:08,279 Speaker 1: participant in this conversation. Not only can you talk to me, 512 00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:11,360 Speaker 1: you can talk to me live. Just give me a 513 00:37:11,400 --> 00:37:15,120 Speaker 1: call at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven 514 00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:19,560 Speaker 1: six eight. That's seven seven five three zero seven seven 515 00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:22,399 Speaker 1: seven six eight. Now, be sure to follow me on 516 00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:25,880 Speaker 1: social media for all of the calling times. But I 517 00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:30,480 Speaker 1: want to leave you with this today. Relationships are an 518 00:37:30,760 --> 00:37:35,560 Speaker 1: essential part of our lives. What we want to do 519 00:37:35,800 --> 00:37:39,440 Speaker 1: is we want to learn how to make them work. 520 00:37:40,160 --> 00:37:43,560 Speaker 1: We want to learn how to make them productive and fulfilling, 521 00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:47,279 Speaker 1: and we want to do it without struggle and suffering. 522 00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:51,200 Speaker 1: We're gonna talk about that right here on the our Spot, 523 00:37:51,920 --> 00:38:01,600 Speaker 1: I Mean Yamla and I'll see you next time. The 524 00:38:01,840 --> 00:38:05,759 Speaker 1: r Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 525 00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:10,080 Speaker 1: with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, 526 00:38:10,480 --> 00:38:14,360 Speaker 1: visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever 527 00:38:14,440 --> 00:38:16,640 Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.