1 00:00:04,559 --> 00:00:07,960 Speaker 1: Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the 2 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:11,280 Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through 3 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 1: the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and 4 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:26,079 Speaker 1: what they mean for our psychology. This episode is a rerun. 5 00:00:26,239 --> 00:00:29,800 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 6 00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:33,519 Speaker 1: the podcast. New listeners, oh listeners, wherever you are in 7 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:36,239 Speaker 1: the world, it is so great to have you here 8 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:39,800 Speaker 1: back for another episode as we, of course break down 9 00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:44,640 Speaker 1: the psychology of our twenties. Before we begin, I just 10 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:48,599 Speaker 1: want to let you know that this episode actually has 11 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:51,960 Speaker 1: two parts. It has basically, like I guess, a sister 12 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:57,320 Speaker 1: episode over on my other podcast, Mantra. So if you 13 00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:01,600 Speaker 1: prefer a more kind of compact, succinct version of this 14 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:03,920 Speaker 1: episode to start your day or to start your week, 15 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:06,640 Speaker 1: I'm going to leave a link in the description of 16 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:09,440 Speaker 1: this episode for you guys to go and check it out. 17 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:12,440 Speaker 1: I would love if you just gave Mantra a try. 18 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:14,399 Speaker 1: I'm sure if you love this podcast, you will love 19 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:18,240 Speaker 1: that podcast because it's basically the Psychology of Your Twenties, 20 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:23,600 Speaker 1: but more spiritual, more philosophical, more meditative. So yeah, go 21 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:28,160 Speaker 1: check it out. But as for our topic today, We're 22 00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:30,840 Speaker 1: going to talk about confidence and what it is about 23 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:35,720 Speaker 1: confident people that is so alluring, so fabulous, and how 24 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:40,520 Speaker 1: we can emulate it, how we can cultivate this brilliant, bright, 25 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:48,000 Speaker 1: amazing attitude. Because confidence, my friends, it's actually not something 26 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:51,640 Speaker 1: that you were born with. It is a skill, a 27 00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:55,560 Speaker 1: skill that you can develop. One of my closest friends, Percy, 28 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:59,040 Speaker 1: actually inspired this episode friend of the show. We love Percy. 29 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:03,360 Speaker 1: She is what simularly, she similarly is a very confident person. 30 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:07,960 Speaker 1: She just approaches every single social situation, every work presentation, 31 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:13,959 Speaker 1: every first date with just such a grounded, secure mindset. 32 00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:17,000 Speaker 1: It's honestly, it's sexy, Like she is so magnetic to 33 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:20,400 Speaker 1: watch and sometimes I've even like found myself just being 34 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:22,440 Speaker 1: like where did this come from? Like who is this 35 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:26,120 Speaker 1: amazing woman? Because her confidence is like an aura, It's 36 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:29,880 Speaker 1: like a color that almost surrounds her. And I think 37 00:02:29,919 --> 00:02:34,359 Speaker 1: it's so easy to observe people like her and conclude 38 00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:37,400 Speaker 1: that she was simply born with this, this is always 39 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:40,080 Speaker 1: who she was going to become. But the thing is, 40 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:43,920 Speaker 1: I've been friends with Percy for some time for a 41 00:02:43,919 --> 00:02:46,440 Speaker 1: long time, and I know her very well. And I 42 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,480 Speaker 1: know that this is not always what she was like. 43 00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:52,400 Speaker 1: She was a very shy, reserved kid. I know she 44 00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:56,160 Speaker 1: was bullied quite badly. I know she really struggled. And 45 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:58,840 Speaker 1: so it really got me thinking, what does she kind 46 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:03,399 Speaker 1: of know that we don't like? What is this formula 47 00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:06,840 Speaker 1: that she has? What are the profound kind of psychological 48 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:10,840 Speaker 1: principles or shifts that delineate people who are confident and 49 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,080 Speaker 1: people who are not confident? What is it about the 50 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:16,400 Speaker 1: history they're upbringing their personality whatever it is, and what 51 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:21,840 Speaker 1: about that can we change? What about ourselves can we 52 00:03:21,919 --> 00:03:25,400 Speaker 1: kind of work with to come into any situation and 53 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:28,000 Speaker 1: just feel like we own the room, feel like we 54 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:32,680 Speaker 1: deserve and belong to be there. Because once we understand 55 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:37,280 Speaker 1: the science of confidence, once we kind of break down 56 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,800 Speaker 1: the myth that confidence is only something that you are 57 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:43,000 Speaker 1: born with, we really do become unstoppable. Like we become 58 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:47,440 Speaker 1: unstoppable in work, in romance, in friendship, in loving ourselves, 59 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,760 Speaker 1: in directing our lives. You know, the list could go 60 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,160 Speaker 1: on and on and on. So where do we begin, 61 00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:55,000 Speaker 1: what do we do? How do we get there? That 62 00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:58,200 Speaker 1: is exactly what we are going to talk about today. 63 00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:07,560 Speaker 1: Your formula for confidence. Let's get into it. So let's 64 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:13,200 Speaker 1: begin by dismantling this core assumption or core misconception. I 65 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:17,960 Speaker 1: should say that confidence is a fixed personal attribute. You 66 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:21,640 Speaker 1: either have it or you don't. Is that true or not. Well, 67 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:23,200 Speaker 1: I'm going to give you the answer right now, and 68 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,680 Speaker 1: then I'm going to give you the explanation. The answer 69 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:29,640 Speaker 1: is no, it's not. According to research, including a really 70 00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:33,919 Speaker 1: comprehensive study on the heritability of confidence conducted in twenty 71 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:38,680 Speaker 1: twenty one, confidence is only between nine to twenty eight 72 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:43,200 Speaker 1: percent heritable. What that means, if you don't understand genetics, 73 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:46,440 Speaker 1: because sometimes I barely do, is that the majority of 74 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,920 Speaker 1: our confidence, somewhere between seventy two and ninety one percent, 75 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:56,880 Speaker 1: is shaped by things like environment, experiences, mindset choices, not 76 00:04:56,960 --> 00:05:00,560 Speaker 1: just your genetics, not just things that feel outside of 77 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:04,400 Speaker 1: your orbit of control. For the most part, something like 78 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:09,400 Speaker 1: confidence is something that we can change, We can kind 79 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:13,400 Speaker 1: of intercept and form to our desires. And to truly 80 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:17,240 Speaker 1: understand why this is the case, and to truly understand 81 00:05:17,279 --> 00:05:20,400 Speaker 1: like the foundation of confidence, you have to understand one 82 00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:24,840 Speaker 1: of its core ingredients, which is self efficacy. Self efficacy 83 00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:27,760 Speaker 1: is a concept that was first named or labeled I 84 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:31,279 Speaker 1: guess by someone called Albert Bondura, a very famous social 85 00:05:31,279 --> 00:05:33,800 Speaker 1: psychologist who we talk about a lot, and it is 86 00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:38,360 Speaker 1: basically our belief in our capacity to execute the behavior 87 00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:43,800 Speaker 1: is necessary to produce specific performance attainments. In simpler terms, 88 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:46,280 Speaker 1: because that is such a convoluted definition, it is your 89 00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:50,400 Speaker 1: belief that you can successfully perform a given task, you 90 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:54,600 Speaker 1: can achieve a particular goal, you can I guess, present 91 00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:59,920 Speaker 1: yourself a specific way based on your intentions and your desires. 92 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:03,279 Speaker 1: It is not so much your belief that things will 93 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:06,520 Speaker 1: go well. It's not so much your belief that people 94 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,680 Speaker 1: will like you. It's not your belief in anything outside 95 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:13,280 Speaker 1: of your control. It is belief in yourself. Before we 96 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:18,119 Speaker 1: can become confident, we need self efficacy. And the great 97 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:21,880 Speaker 1: thing about self efficacy is that it can only be 98 00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:25,600 Speaker 1: built and earned. It cannot just be granted to us. 99 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:28,400 Speaker 1: It is not either there or not the moment we 100 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:32,600 Speaker 1: are born. So there are four primary sources through which 101 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:37,240 Speaker 1: self efficacy is developed and strengthened. When you understand these sources, 102 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:41,240 Speaker 1: you kind of precisely know how confidence is built in 103 00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:44,560 Speaker 1: someone brick by brick through the process of learning and 104 00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:49,440 Speaker 1: environment and experiences. So the first source, the very first one, 105 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:56,280 Speaker 1: is something called mastery experiences or inactive attainments. Basically, when 106 00:06:56,360 --> 00:07:01,000 Speaker 1: you successfully perform a task, especially one that you initially 107 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:05,560 Speaker 1: found rather challenging, it creates a belief in your capabilities. 108 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:09,279 Speaker 1: This starts like as like from like three months old. 109 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,600 Speaker 1: Let's use the example of learning how to ride a bike, 110 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,560 Speaker 1: because it's a very good one. You know, the riding 111 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:17,880 Speaker 1: a bike is kind of scary, Like it is kind 112 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:19,800 Speaker 1: of scary, like you have to balance on these two 113 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,520 Speaker 1: wheels and you can go really really fast and you'll 114 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:25,880 Speaker 1: probably fall off. You know. The first few attempts involve 115 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:29,280 Speaker 1: wobbling and falling, and that erodes your confidence. But with 116 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:32,760 Speaker 1: each kind of like successful pedal stroke, each moment of balance, 117 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:36,640 Speaker 1: like your belief and your ability to ride independently grows stronger. 118 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:39,920 Speaker 1: It's all based on these moments of feeling like I 119 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,840 Speaker 1: didn't believe I could do this, but I can, And 120 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:46,120 Speaker 1: that for our mind kind of acts as these concrete 121 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:51,960 Speaker 1: data points that rewire your internal narrative. It rewires your 122 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:54,840 Speaker 1: trust and your own abilities. The fact that you've kind 123 00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:58,880 Speaker 1: of you are capable now the brain actively seeks and 124 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:03,200 Speaker 1: reinforces these positive experiences, which means that the next time 125 00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:06,800 Speaker 1: you encounter something scary or new, the judgment of others, 126 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:10,160 Speaker 1: the beginning of a new job, whatever it is, your 127 00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:12,920 Speaker 1: brain kind of subconsciously looks back at these prior moments 128 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:14,960 Speaker 1: and goes, actually, no, like, we are fully capable of 129 00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:21,080 Speaker 1: managing this. These moments of mastery can be deliberately created, 130 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:25,119 Speaker 1: and that's really important because the more times you show 131 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:28,920 Speaker 1: yourself through trial and error and through believing in yourself 132 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:33,280 Speaker 1: that you can do something, the more confident you will become. Next, 133 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:37,360 Speaker 1: we have vicarious experiences or social modeling. We are, of 134 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:41,200 Speaker 1: course inherently social beings, and we learn a tremendous amount 135 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:45,880 Speaker 1: by simply observing others. When you see someone similar to 136 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:50,000 Speaker 1: yourself successfully perform a task that you want to do, 137 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:54,480 Speaker 1: it can significantly strengthen your belief that you also possess 138 00:08:54,559 --> 00:09:00,680 Speaker 1: the capabilities to master similar activities. This is why mentors, models, 139 00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:05,760 Speaker 1: even peers are so crucial in building confidence. If you're 140 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:09,680 Speaker 1: a budding entrepreneur and you see someone from a similar 141 00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:13,520 Speaker 1: background successfully launch their business, it sends a really powerful 142 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:16,920 Speaker 1: message like if they can do it, maybe I can too. 143 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:21,440 Speaker 1: This actually really explains why representation matters and is so 144 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:25,240 Speaker 1: important for marginalized groups. There was a study done in 145 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:29,520 Speaker 1: twenty sixteen in the UK and researchers asked high achieving 146 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:33,680 Speaker 1: university students from underrepresented backgrounds to basically send letters to 147 00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:38,200 Speaker 1: students from similar backgrounds who were considering university and just 148 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:41,760 Speaker 1: talk about their experience, talk about the fact that it's possible. 149 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:46,360 Speaker 1: So there were over eleven thousand people in this study 150 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:50,320 Speaker 1: and these letters were really positive. They were like, shoot 151 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:53,080 Speaker 1: for the stars, you can do it. Aim higher and 152 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:57,200 Speaker 1: the researchers tracked students application decisions and found that there 153 00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:01,400 Speaker 1: was a significant increase in applications to more prestigious unis 154 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:04,960 Speaker 1: amongst the group that receive the letters versus groups that 155 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:09,080 Speaker 1: did not. So this isn't about blind imitation. It's about 156 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:12,400 Speaker 1: seeing a pathway to success that is demonstrated by others, 157 00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:16,800 Speaker 1: which then informs your own sense of possibility. It's also 158 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,719 Speaker 1: why I think that we could do with more admiration 159 00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:22,679 Speaker 1: in this society. Instead of being jealous of people who 160 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:25,120 Speaker 1: are have what you want, or have the life that 161 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:27,360 Speaker 1: you want, or who are doing better than you, these 162 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:31,280 Speaker 1: people can actors basically proof that your dreams. Maybe you 163 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:33,839 Speaker 1: aren't even that aren't big enough because this person has 164 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:36,719 Speaker 1: managed to do it. Therefore you can too. There is 165 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:41,360 Speaker 1: a pathway that is accessible. So confidence can be acquired 166 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:45,480 Speaker 1: through observation in a really significant way. The third way 167 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:48,920 Speaker 1: we gain self efficacy is through social persuasion. So it's 168 00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:53,480 Speaker 1: not observing someone else doing something, it's being encouraged by 169 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:57,880 Speaker 1: people who you admire, having people like a coach, a parent, 170 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:02,720 Speaker 1: a teacher, a friend, someone that can say you're doing 171 00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:07,160 Speaker 1: a good job. You are capable of doing this positive feedback. 172 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:11,960 Speaker 1: It's truly so motivational because we really do like external 173 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:15,640 Speaker 1: validation secretly but also not secretly. And so if you 174 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:18,199 Speaker 1: have someone who you admire who was saying like, wow, 175 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,040 Speaker 1: you really are getting better and you're improving and you're 176 00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:25,679 Speaker 1: doing well, you're actually prepared to fail more. You're prepared 177 00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:30,160 Speaker 1: to fail more in some circumstances, at least because you 178 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:33,720 Speaker 1: have this weird desire within you to succeed more, and 179 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:38,040 Speaker 1: you kind of put yourself you kind of face opportunities 180 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:41,359 Speaker 1: more often. You put yourself on the path for success 181 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,680 Speaker 1: more often, even though you know that failure might be 182 00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:47,319 Speaker 1: a possibility, because you believe in yourself even in those 183 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:50,000 Speaker 1: moments when you do fail, because you have this strong 184 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:54,800 Speaker 1: sense of someone else believes in me, despite missed opportunities, 185 00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:59,160 Speaker 1: despite moments of ill confidence. Therefore, I can believe in myself. 186 00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:04,280 Speaker 1: There's also the opposite, which is discouragement. Other people can 187 00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:08,320 Speaker 1: really make us feel terrible about ourselves, from parents who 188 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:11,320 Speaker 1: are dismissive to childhood bullies. You know. I remember I 189 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:14,160 Speaker 1: had a teacher once who was really really mean to me, 190 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:15,680 Speaker 1: and I was like, why do you have beef with me? 191 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:18,439 Speaker 1: Like I'm literally seven years old? And I felt really 192 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:20,560 Speaker 1: like I remember feeling really bad about myself and not 193 00:12:20,559 --> 00:12:24,040 Speaker 1: wanting to try and not wanting to speak up. Discouragement 194 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:28,920 Speaker 1: is equally as powerful as encouragement. That is why it 195 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:33,720 Speaker 1: is so important to surround yourself with good people. It 196 00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:37,440 Speaker 1: may be hard to go up against this if you've had, 197 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:39,720 Speaker 1: you know, a family who was really awful, or if 198 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,240 Speaker 1: you were bullied, or if you do feel like your 199 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:45,319 Speaker 1: environment is really what made you the way you were, 200 00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:47,719 Speaker 1: and it's hard to escape. But the older you get, 201 00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:50,720 Speaker 1: you do have choices to be around people who will 202 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:55,400 Speaker 1: care about you, who will elevate you, who will encourage you. 203 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:58,440 Speaker 1: You know, if your friends are secretly trying to tear 204 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:02,520 Speaker 1: you down, or if you are constantly listening to what 205 00:13:02,679 --> 00:13:05,000 Speaker 1: people online are saying that does mean or cruel. If 206 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:08,640 Speaker 1: you let the words of your family members really invade 207 00:13:08,679 --> 00:13:13,240 Speaker 1: your mindset confidence, it will be harder to obtain. Luckily, 208 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,679 Speaker 1: we have one final source of self efficacy to talk about, 209 00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:20,760 Speaker 1: and that's our ability to manage our own emotional reaction 210 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:27,280 Speaker 1: to stress. It's our physiological and emotional states, our mood, 211 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:31,720 Speaker 1: our stress levels that can profoundly influence how we judge 212 00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:36,120 Speaker 1: our potential for success. If you're feeling calm, energized and 213 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:39,520 Speaker 1: physically prepared for a task, you will believe in yourself 214 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,800 Speaker 1: more than if you went to bed super late, or 215 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:45,920 Speaker 1: if you have had too much coffee or you're hungry. 216 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:49,040 Speaker 1: These choices matter, and these are choices that you have 217 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:52,680 Speaker 1: control over. Basically, how you approach stress, how you learn 218 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:56,240 Speaker 1: to relate to your emotions, how you physically prepare yourself 219 00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:58,920 Speaker 1: is a factor in whether you feel capable. But that 220 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:02,920 Speaker 1: also means that we can create routines and patterns and 221 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:06,520 Speaker 1: traditions that we know will make us feel confident and 222 00:14:06,559 --> 00:14:10,520 Speaker 1: good as a way to prepare us and counteract negative 223 00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:12,920 Speaker 1: emotional states that kind of come with doing new things 224 00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:15,920 Speaker 1: or being in front of new people. So when you 225 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:20,160 Speaker 1: understand these four sources, it becomes really clear right that 226 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:24,960 Speaker 1: confidence isn't an inherited trait. If you consistently seek out 227 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:29,160 Speaker 1: opportunities for mastery, if you observe others who are successful, 228 00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:32,280 Speaker 1: if you go where you are valued, if you learn 229 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:36,040 Speaker 1: how to manage your anxiety and your physiological state, your 230 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:41,320 Speaker 1: self efficacy and therefore your confidence will likely grow. It 231 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:44,720 Speaker 1: is important here to talk about the fact that although 232 00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:51,920 Speaker 1: confidence isn't inherited, it is really quite deeply influenced by 233 00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:55,840 Speaker 1: how you were raised and who you grew up around. 234 00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:59,400 Speaker 1: You know, if you again had parents who are deeply discouraging, 235 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,960 Speaker 1: if you grew up in poverty, if you grew up 236 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:06,840 Speaker 1: with you mentors or teachers or no examples of success, 237 00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:10,800 Speaker 1: you are starting from a harder point. And we have 238 00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:13,359 Speaker 1: to be completely honest about that. It's not about ignoring 239 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:17,440 Speaker 1: those disadvantages. I would not be doing my job if 240 00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:21,680 Speaker 1: I sat here and said everyone starts from zero and 241 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,760 Speaker 1: starts at the same starting point, you know what I mean, 242 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,720 Speaker 1: and everyone has the equal ability to build confidence, because 243 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:29,680 Speaker 1: it's just not the case. But what I'm really trying 244 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,280 Speaker 1: to say is that it is possible. So it's not 245 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:36,080 Speaker 1: like if you've had these experiences, you are completely doomed. 246 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:39,520 Speaker 1: If you have been raised to shrink yourself, to talk 247 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:42,360 Speaker 1: down to yourself, if you don't feel great about yourself, 248 00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:46,320 Speaker 1: these are things that can actually be undone. They were 249 00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:49,720 Speaker 1: done to you. That means that they have kind of 250 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:53,360 Speaker 1: like a counteracting or counterbalancing action that can also do 251 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:55,960 Speaker 1: upon you that you can do upon yourself, not to 252 00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:59,600 Speaker 1: reverse those things and to reverse those experiences, but to 253 00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:01,680 Speaker 1: inter great them and say that you are more than them. 254 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:03,560 Speaker 1: We're gonna talk a little bit more about that later on, 255 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:06,720 Speaker 1: but I think it's an important caveat to add here. 256 00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:11,120 Speaker 1: Now that we kind of understand self efficacy, let's also 257 00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:14,600 Speaker 1: talk about how confidence is in part dictated by the 258 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:18,000 Speaker 1: conversation that you have with yourself. If you want to 259 00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:22,200 Speaker 1: understand how you can make yourself believe that you are confident, 260 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:26,480 Speaker 1: you have to know the name Carol Dweck. She is 261 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:31,280 Speaker 1: a renowned Stanford psychologist, one of the best who discovered 262 00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:35,840 Speaker 1: that there are two and really only two fundamental mindsets 263 00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:40,120 Speaker 1: we can have regarding our intelligence and our abilities. You've 264 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:42,920 Speaker 1: probably heard of them before. You can either have a 265 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:49,160 Speaker 1: fixed or a growth mindset. Someone with a fixed mindset 266 00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:55,040 Speaker 1: believes that they're basic abilities. Their intelligence, their confidence, these 267 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:59,320 Speaker 1: are static traits. They are what they are. They were 268 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:02,120 Speaker 1: born that way. There's little that can be done to 269 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,719 Speaker 1: change them. If you're good at math, it's because you 270 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:07,359 Speaker 1: were born being good at math. If you don't have confidence, 271 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,800 Speaker 1: it's because that's how you were born. There's nothing you 272 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:13,199 Speaker 1: can change. There's nothing you do to change that. This 273 00:17:13,359 --> 00:17:18,600 Speaker 1: kind of perspective is voluntary. I know it's going to 274 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:21,280 Speaker 1: sound harsh, but you do choose to believe that way. 275 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,840 Speaker 1: And so what that means is that when you face obstacles, 276 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:29,040 Speaker 1: when you face setbacks, when you look at your confidence 277 00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:32,159 Speaker 1: levels and feel depleted by them, you don't feel like 278 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:35,960 Speaker 1: you can change them. You feel like you are always 279 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:39,919 Speaker 1: going to be this way. In contrast, a person with 280 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:44,359 Speaker 1: a growth mindset believes in themselves but also believes that 281 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:49,240 Speaker 1: their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and 282 00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:54,680 Speaker 1: hard work and practice and your brain, talent, personality. Those 283 00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:57,760 Speaker 1: are just starting points. In other words, they have what 284 00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:02,359 Speaker 1: we call an internal local of control. They believe in 285 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:06,320 Speaker 1: their ability to change their actions and therefore an outcome, 286 00:18:06,359 --> 00:18:10,600 Speaker 1: but also to change their fate. Basically, when you believe 287 00:18:11,119 --> 00:18:15,120 Speaker 1: I am capable, I'm expanding, I am learning, I'm experiencing, 288 00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:19,600 Speaker 1: I am confident, you act that way. You know that 289 00:18:20,119 --> 00:18:22,640 Speaker 1: how you think about your situation and how you think 290 00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:27,560 Speaker 1: about yourself will influence what parts of yourself grow and 291 00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:32,200 Speaker 1: expand and what parts you know ultimately shrink. The reality, 292 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:37,879 Speaker 1: of course, is more nuanced. We've kind of already talked 293 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:40,080 Speaker 1: about this. You know, confidence is a skill. It is 294 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:42,720 Speaker 1: something that comes from mindset. It isn't something that you're 295 00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:45,040 Speaker 1: born with, but there are other things that we are 296 00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:48,639 Speaker 1: born into that can make it harder. What it's about 297 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:52,879 Speaker 1: discerning is really when your mindset can trump those things 298 00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:57,760 Speaker 1: and when it cannot, And that's when having a formula 299 00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:01,320 Speaker 1: for confidence, or having skills and things in like your 300 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:05,920 Speaker 1: toolbox really helps because instead of just feeling paralyzed by situations, 301 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,760 Speaker 1: you do have options to try out to kind of 302 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:13,640 Speaker 1: counteract your lack of confidence, counteract your anxiety, counteract your 303 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:17,320 Speaker 1: social anxiety, counteract your imposter syndrome or your belief that 304 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:21,359 Speaker 1: you don't deserve to be there. So that really leads 305 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:22,960 Speaker 1: to the biggest question that we have today, How do 306 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,520 Speaker 1: we do that? I'm not just gonna leave you guys 307 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:29,080 Speaker 1: here without some practical tips, including the formulas of some 308 00:19:29,119 --> 00:19:31,520 Speaker 1: of the most confident people in the world. How you 309 00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:36,440 Speaker 1: can walk into any room feeling amazing, unshakable, completely yourself. 310 00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:45,600 Speaker 1: That's what we're going to explore after this shortbreak. Confidence 311 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:48,119 Speaker 1: is truly a mental game. And the good thing about 312 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,920 Speaker 1: that is that if you have the right mental strategies, 313 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:54,560 Speaker 1: you can bring these with you everywhere. You can apply 314 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:56,960 Speaker 1: them in any situation. If your brain's coming with you, 315 00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:00,240 Speaker 1: these strategies are coming with you as well. So the 316 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:03,240 Speaker 1: first part of our mindset that we want to target 317 00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:06,760 Speaker 1: are the deeper beliefs that we have that we don't 318 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:10,240 Speaker 1: deserve to be confident at all, or that people will 319 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:12,639 Speaker 1: always be able to see through us, They will always 320 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,040 Speaker 1: see us as a fraud, they will always know we're 321 00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:18,600 Speaker 1: faking it. We call these thoughts, or at least I 322 00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:25,480 Speaker 1: call them confidence blockers. Your thoughts are powerful architects of 323 00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:28,400 Speaker 1: your confidence and of your self belief. So I do 324 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:31,879 Speaker 1: need you to become aware of your confidence blockers, or 325 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:36,920 Speaker 1: your inner critics. What is your inner critics' favorite catchphrase 326 00:20:37,119 --> 00:20:40,240 Speaker 1: and favorite thing to tell you when you're putting yourself 327 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:43,280 Speaker 1: out there or trying something new, probably something along the 328 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,920 Speaker 1: lines of you can't do this, You're definitely going to 329 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,520 Speaker 1: mess it up. Everyone's going to know that you're a fraud. 330 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:52,520 Speaker 1: Everyone's going to see you fail. Not true firstly, but 331 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:58,720 Speaker 1: when those self defeating thoughts surface, consciously pause, then begin 332 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:02,920 Speaker 1: to question them, is that thought truly one hundred percent accurate? 333 00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:06,960 Speaker 1: Like what concrete evidence do you actually have for that? 334 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:10,800 Speaker 1: And what evidence do you have against it? You can 335 00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:13,639 Speaker 1: fight back. You know, your inner critic isn't the only 336 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:16,560 Speaker 1: one with a voice. You're in a cheerleader also has 337 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,400 Speaker 1: something to say, and they can say it louder, they 338 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:23,960 Speaker 1: can freakin scream it. You get to choose what you 339 00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:26,879 Speaker 1: want to believe about the future and about where you 340 00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,480 Speaker 1: sit in the future, because it hasn't happened yet. So 341 00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:31,439 Speaker 1: as much as your in a critic wants you to 342 00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:33,000 Speaker 1: believe that you're going to fail and you're going to 343 00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:37,040 Speaker 1: embarrass yourself, it has no idea. It has no more 344 00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:38,879 Speaker 1: idea than you're in a cheerleader who thinks that you're 345 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:42,959 Speaker 1: going to do absolutely amazing. So every time you encounter 346 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:46,640 Speaker 1: a confidence blocker, I want you to repeat this mantra. Well, 347 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:51,159 Speaker 1: this series of martras. I'm magnetic. People flock to me. 348 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:55,720 Speaker 1: My energy. It opens doors before I arrive. I move 349 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:59,359 Speaker 1: through this space, steady and prepared. I am calm, I 350 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:02,760 Speaker 1: am collected. I deserve to be here. I am confident. 351 00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:06,919 Speaker 1: Any version of this, any series of phrases that supports 352 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:10,239 Speaker 1: you and elevates you, and which capture you and you 353 00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:12,560 Speaker 1: know and through all you. I need you to be 354 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:15,919 Speaker 1: ready to kind of like throw them at your owner critic. 355 00:22:16,359 --> 00:22:18,560 Speaker 1: I kind of think of it as like throwing balls 356 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:22,080 Speaker 1: of sunshine, and like each time a ball of sunshine 357 00:22:22,119 --> 00:22:24,639 Speaker 1: like hits your like the shadow of your inner critic, 358 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:27,200 Speaker 1: like it gets smaller and smaller, and like parts of 359 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,520 Speaker 1: it like dissolve away whatever makes it visual for you. 360 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:33,840 Speaker 1: Positive self talk like this is incredibly powerful. You and 361 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,720 Speaker 1: your brain have a two way relationship. You are what 362 00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:41,119 Speaker 1: you tell your brain. You become the words and the 363 00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:44,199 Speaker 1: sayings that you speak to yourself. It's a process kind 364 00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:48,280 Speaker 1: of loosely known as linguistic relativity. Basically, the premise of 365 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:51,199 Speaker 1: this is that the language that we use towards ourselves 366 00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:55,119 Speaker 1: and towards the world doesn't just reflect what we're thinking, 367 00:22:55,119 --> 00:22:58,360 Speaker 1: but actually shapes how we think. So if you are 368 00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:02,560 Speaker 1: constantly using harsh or limiting language towards yourself, you may 369 00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:05,679 Speaker 1: literally narrow how you see the world and how you 370 00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:10,320 Speaker 1: see yourself within it. Conversely, if you use empowering language, 371 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:15,200 Speaker 1: confident language, open language, you broaden your sense of agency 372 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:18,960 Speaker 1: and you broaden your sense of the world. If you 373 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:21,199 Speaker 1: say to yourself and sorry, I'm going to sound so 374 00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:23,720 Speaker 1: repetitive here, but I promise I have a different point. 375 00:23:24,119 --> 00:23:26,840 Speaker 1: If you say to yourself, I will succeed in this moment. 376 00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:31,280 Speaker 1: I will be an image of confidence and power that 377 00:23:31,359 --> 00:23:34,560 Speaker 1: creates somewhat of a self fulfilling prophecy, which we know 378 00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:39,840 Speaker 1: is a psychologically proven and relevant concept because the expectations 379 00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:43,800 Speaker 1: you set, especially through internal dialogue, influence your behavior in 380 00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:48,359 Speaker 1: subliminal ways that often make your expectations come true. I 381 00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:52,560 Speaker 1: also want you to sincerely ask yourself right now, why 382 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,959 Speaker 1: don't you deserve to be confident. Let's put on our 383 00:23:56,000 --> 00:24:00,320 Speaker 1: investigator hat for a second. Who convinced me that this 384 00:24:00,359 --> 00:24:03,560 Speaker 1: is who I am? Who made me feel small? Who 385 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:06,800 Speaker 1: told me that I should shrink and that this is 386 00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:11,199 Speaker 1: where I belong and I should be silent, and more importantly, 387 00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:14,440 Speaker 1: what makes them right? Seriously, like, what evidence do they have? 388 00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:18,560 Speaker 1: Are they like the head of some accredited committee. Have 389 00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:21,239 Speaker 1: they been ordained to be able to do this? Do 390 00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:25,159 Speaker 1: they have some degree or some authority? And who's allowed 391 00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:29,800 Speaker 1: to be confident? And who doesn't? No, they literally don't. 392 00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:32,520 Speaker 1: They just have an opinion, and you can have a 393 00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:34,840 Speaker 1: better opinion. You can have an opinion that's more accurate 394 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:38,520 Speaker 1: because you know yourself better than anyone. You know you're 395 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:41,479 Speaker 1: a good person, you know you're thoughtful, you know you're smart, 396 00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:43,359 Speaker 1: you know that you have things to say and that 397 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,800 Speaker 1: you deserve success. You know that better than anyone because 398 00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:48,479 Speaker 1: you have to live with yourself every single day and 399 00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:52,639 Speaker 1: they don't. So you can choose to disagree not only 400 00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:56,520 Speaker 1: with your inner critic, but also with whoever it is parent, 401 00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:03,040 Speaker 1: family member, ex boyfriend, express friend who convince you to 402 00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:08,119 Speaker 1: be silent. Another incredible way to curate a confident mindset 403 00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:14,720 Speaker 1: is through visualization. Visualization is so psychologically powerful, that's why 404 00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:17,480 Speaker 1: we talk about it so much. Visualize how you want 405 00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:19,320 Speaker 1: to enter a room before you enter it, and you 406 00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:22,320 Speaker 1: will enter the room that way. Visualize how you want 407 00:25:22,359 --> 00:25:25,520 Speaker 1: others to feel in your presence, and often they will 408 00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:29,200 Speaker 1: feel that way. Visualize your voice being steady, Visualize the 409 00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:33,480 Speaker 1: eye contact you'll make, Visualize your posture, Visualize your power. 410 00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:37,400 Speaker 1: There are a few exercises to make this easier. One 411 00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:40,800 Speaker 1: I have spoken about before many times called the golden 412 00:25:41,119 --> 00:25:45,120 Speaker 1: Orb theory. This is the one that I personally use. 413 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:47,200 Speaker 1: If you have ever met me at like a meetup, 414 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,760 Speaker 1: or like on my book tour or at a live event, 415 00:25:50,359 --> 00:25:52,640 Speaker 1: I promise you that I have been doing this when 416 00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:57,000 Speaker 1: you have met me. This is what happens. I before 417 00:25:57,040 --> 00:26:01,960 Speaker 1: I enter into any room, I feel this nice golden 418 00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:06,919 Speaker 1: orb in my heart. Obviously it's not there we're visualizing, 419 00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:11,879 Speaker 1: but I imagine there is this like pulsating, beautiful ball 420 00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:15,000 Speaker 1: of light. And every time I breathe in and breathe 421 00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:17,919 Speaker 1: out as I step into this room and expands and 422 00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:20,280 Speaker 1: expands and expands, and any time I make eye contact 423 00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:23,280 Speaker 1: with someone and have a conversation, that fuels it even more. 424 00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:26,800 Speaker 1: And this ball, this orb just gets bigger and bigger 425 00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:29,960 Speaker 1: and bigger, so that anyone it touches, anyone who comes 426 00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:36,520 Speaker 1: into contact with it, immediately feels comfortable, immediately feels tied 427 00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:40,360 Speaker 1: to me, Immediately feels you know, good around me immediately 428 00:26:40,359 --> 00:26:42,119 Speaker 1: feels like their best self, and I feel like my 429 00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:45,320 Speaker 1: best self. And it's this visual way of imagining that 430 00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:48,040 Speaker 1: I get to control how other people are feeling. Obviously 431 00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:50,480 Speaker 1: I don't, but I do get to control my own 432 00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:53,199 Speaker 1: perception of their feelings. And I know that sounds strange, 433 00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:57,240 Speaker 1: but often with social anxiety or not feeling confident, it's 434 00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:59,000 Speaker 1: not that you don't know that you can handle yourself. 435 00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:01,320 Speaker 1: It's that you're over worried with how other people are 436 00:27:01,359 --> 00:27:04,359 Speaker 1: gonna perceive you. So if you give yourself the illusion 437 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:07,960 Speaker 1: that you can change their perception, suddenly nothing else really matters, 438 00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:10,800 Speaker 1: and you feel the ability to be authentic and natural. 439 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:14,320 Speaker 1: And that's what this kind of activity and exercise really 440 00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:17,000 Speaker 1: does for me. There's another one. It's known as the 441 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:20,120 Speaker 1: golden thread trick golden or theory golden thread trick, you're 442 00:27:20,119 --> 00:27:23,720 Speaker 1: seeing a theme. Basically, it's about imagining like a golden 443 00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:27,439 Speaker 1: thread pulling from the top of your head into the sky. 444 00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:31,439 Speaker 1: Instead of controlling you, it's elevating you, and it's making 445 00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:34,119 Speaker 1: sure that you take up space. It's not gonna let 446 00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:37,840 Speaker 1: you slouch, it's not gonna let you shrink. It wants 447 00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:40,440 Speaker 1: you to be present, and you have like the permission 448 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:43,520 Speaker 1: from this golden string, this thing way up high, going 449 00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:45,600 Speaker 1: into the cosmos and beyond, to be here and to 450 00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:48,959 Speaker 1: be strong. You're drawing all of your power from it. 451 00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:55,439 Speaker 1: There's also the very famous act as if technique, the 452 00:27:55,600 --> 00:28:00,399 Speaker 1: act as if technique. It's a psychological strategy that involves 453 00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:03,560 Speaker 1: behaving as if you already are the version of yourself 454 00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:07,600 Speaker 1: you want to become. Confidence, secure, successful, grounded. You are 455 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:10,679 Speaker 1: already those things, even if you don't fully feel it yet. 456 00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,760 Speaker 1: We talked about modeling before, and modeling really asks you 457 00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:15,880 Speaker 1: to look at someone else who has what you have 458 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:19,880 Speaker 1: and to kind of emulate them. You can also kind 459 00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:24,360 Speaker 1: of emulate yourself as well, right like, you can emulate 460 00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:26,960 Speaker 1: a version of yourself that you think is incredible and 461 00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:30,360 Speaker 1: who you want to become, and you can so clearly visualize. 462 00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:35,080 Speaker 1: It's not about faking it. It's about rehearsing the reality 463 00:28:35,119 --> 00:28:39,280 Speaker 1: that you're stepping into, and over time, the gap between 464 00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:42,360 Speaker 1: who you are and who you're acting as if begins 465 00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:44,200 Speaker 1: to close, and so you feel like that version of 466 00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:48,320 Speaker 1: you is real. It's like method acting, almost method acting 467 00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:50,520 Speaker 1: for a future version of you that you want to become. 468 00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:55,280 Speaker 1: Also not to bring up modeling again, but if it's 469 00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:58,440 Speaker 1: too hard to fake it, you don't have to. You 470 00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:04,080 Speaker 1: can also borrow your confidence. You can borrow other people's 471 00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:08,120 Speaker 1: innate abilities that you can borrow their sense of satisfaction 472 00:29:08,200 --> 00:29:11,240 Speaker 1: and pride in themselves. When you see someone that you 473 00:29:11,280 --> 00:29:14,520 Speaker 1: really admire, think about the coolest person you know, like 474 00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:18,520 Speaker 1: the coolest, most ambitious, amazing person, aspirational person you know. 475 00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:21,640 Speaker 1: Think about everything that they would do in this situation 476 00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:24,360 Speaker 1: that you're scared to be and how would they hold themselves, 477 00:29:24,360 --> 00:29:26,640 Speaker 1: how would they walk in, how would they speak, how 478 00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:30,040 Speaker 1: would they communicate, how would they be? Think about that, 479 00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:34,320 Speaker 1: take it all and pretend that that's you borrow what 480 00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:37,960 Speaker 1: they have. There was a study that I read from 481 00:29:38,120 --> 00:29:40,920 Speaker 1: twenty twenty one that actually looked at how this is 482 00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:44,280 Speaker 1: used to help train the confidence of young Olympic athletes 483 00:29:44,320 --> 00:29:47,440 Speaker 1: or Olympic hopefuls. And there was a study done in Korea, 484 00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:52,440 Speaker 1: and the researchers basically asked their participants, who were people 485 00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:55,840 Speaker 1: who would probably one day be in the Olympics, to 486 00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:58,960 Speaker 1: borrow their confidence from someone they admired. They were paired 487 00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:03,200 Speaker 1: with an older team member or an older Olympic hopeful 488 00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:06,480 Speaker 1: or an Olympian even at that and they were asked 489 00:30:06,520 --> 00:30:12,320 Speaker 1: to think about them before they started swimming or dove 490 00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:15,000 Speaker 1: off the diving board, or did whatever sport they were doing. 491 00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:17,720 Speaker 1: Think about them, think about what they would do, think 492 00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:21,560 Speaker 1: about how they would stand, and their self efficacy, which 493 00:30:21,600 --> 00:30:25,000 Speaker 1: we know is a crucial ingredient, increased. Not only did 494 00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:28,480 Speaker 1: their self efficacy increase, they were also better able to 495 00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:31,240 Speaker 1: really shift into a flow state. They were better able 496 00:30:31,280 --> 00:30:33,600 Speaker 1: to cut through the noise of their own insecurity or 497 00:30:33,640 --> 00:30:37,320 Speaker 1: their lack of self belief and just be present in 498 00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:40,560 Speaker 1: what they were doing. So just choose someone you admire 499 00:30:41,120 --> 00:30:45,080 Speaker 1: borrow what they have. Another step to mastering confidence and 500 00:30:45,160 --> 00:30:49,040 Speaker 1: really building this skill like a muscle, is putting yourself 501 00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:52,600 Speaker 1: in situations where you can prove to yourself you can cope, 502 00:30:53,040 --> 00:30:56,960 Speaker 1: you can win, you can show up, you can be successful. Basically, 503 00:30:57,040 --> 00:31:01,040 Speaker 1: find ways to experience small boosts to your confidence like 504 00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:04,440 Speaker 1: those mastery experience. As we were talking about before, a 505 00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:07,760 Speaker 1: lot of building confidence is actually exposure. Like anything, if 506 00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:10,120 Speaker 1: you have a social phobia, like how they treat most 507 00:31:10,200 --> 00:31:12,600 Speaker 1: phobias as exposures. If you have a social phobia or 508 00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:18,200 Speaker 1: any kind of anxiety around specifically being around people. What 509 00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:20,200 Speaker 1: someone is probably going to ask you, what a therapist 510 00:31:20,280 --> 00:31:23,080 Speaker 1: is probably going to get you to do, is to 511 00:31:23,120 --> 00:31:25,719 Speaker 1: be in those spaces that terrify you the most as 512 00:31:25,800 --> 00:31:29,680 Speaker 1: much as possible. If you are terrified of dating, you 513 00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:31,880 Speaker 1: have to go on ten first dates to win the challenge. 514 00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:34,959 Speaker 1: If you're scared of meeting strangers, you have to go 515 00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:39,360 Speaker 1: to all these stranger events. If you're scared of giving presentations, 516 00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:44,800 Speaker 1: you have to volunteer to do them. No skill, ever, 517 00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:49,120 Speaker 1: is built simply by thinking about it. It's built through practice, 518 00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:53,080 Speaker 1: It's built through stretching, pushing yourself. And you know what, 519 00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:57,040 Speaker 1: that's really scary. It's really freaking scary. It's also the 520 00:31:57,080 --> 00:31:59,320 Speaker 1: only way to do it, I'm sorry to say. And 521 00:31:59,360 --> 00:32:02,360 Speaker 1: then one day, not too long in the future, you'll 522 00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:06,520 Speaker 1: suddenly find yourself being the person who is no longer 523 00:32:06,600 --> 00:32:09,640 Speaker 1: at the beginning of the story, but you know, halfway 524 00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:11,680 Speaker 1: through it, who was able to turn around and say, 525 00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:13,320 Speaker 1: I used to be someone who really struggled with this. 526 00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:15,400 Speaker 1: I used to be someone who didn't want a date, 527 00:32:15,440 --> 00:32:17,160 Speaker 1: who didn't want to put myself out there, who didn't 528 00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:20,040 Speaker 1: want to wear these clothes. And now I'm a success 529 00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:24,720 Speaker 1: story because I put in the work. Finally, really consciously 530 00:32:24,840 --> 00:32:30,800 Speaker 1: focus on your sphere of control. This is like the practical, 531 00:32:30,920 --> 00:32:34,920 Speaker 1: everyday application of cultivating a growth mindset and a strong 532 00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:39,400 Speaker 1: locus of control. When you find yourself facing a challenge 533 00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:43,360 Speaker 1: or a daunting situation or decision, you have to really 534 00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:46,479 Speaker 1: ask yourself what parts of this can I genuinely do 535 00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:49,440 Speaker 1: something about and what parts do I just have to 536 00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:54,120 Speaker 1: accept or lean into. Then critically direct your energy and 537 00:32:54,160 --> 00:32:58,360 Speaker 1: your effort solely towards the things you can influence. Your preparation, 538 00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:03,480 Speaker 1: your effort, your belief. You're learning your attitude, how you 539 00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:07,360 Speaker 1: choose to adapt, rather than wasting precious time and energy 540 00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:09,960 Speaker 1: on things that are never going to be something you 541 00:33:09,960 --> 00:33:13,560 Speaker 1: can change even if you try your hardest. One huge 542 00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:16,560 Speaker 1: example of something you can't control, and this might surprise you, 543 00:33:16,880 --> 00:33:20,240 Speaker 1: it's what other people choose to think of you. You 544 00:33:20,280 --> 00:33:22,560 Speaker 1: may be thinking like, oh, wait, what the heck, Like, 545 00:33:23,080 --> 00:33:25,400 Speaker 1: isn't that all we've been talking about? Like all those 546 00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:28,000 Speaker 1: exercises that you just told us, Like, wasn't that to 547 00:33:28,120 --> 00:33:32,360 Speaker 1: control or influence what other people think? No, those aren't 548 00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:35,120 Speaker 1: meant to change what they think. They're meant to change 549 00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:37,920 Speaker 1: what you think. They're meant to change how you think 550 00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:41,280 Speaker 1: about yourself. That is way more powerful than ever trying 551 00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:43,200 Speaker 1: to change other people think of you. They're going to 552 00:33:43,240 --> 00:33:45,959 Speaker 1: follow your example. How you think about yourself is how 553 00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:49,600 Speaker 1: other people will often end up thinking about you. People 554 00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:52,320 Speaker 1: can have whatever opinions they want as well. That's also 555 00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:56,120 Speaker 1: not your business. You just can't control it, and you 556 00:33:56,160 --> 00:34:00,200 Speaker 1: will go mad trying to, because trust me, there will 557 00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:04,520 Speaker 1: always be someone who has negative thoughts about everyone, no 558 00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:06,960 Speaker 1: matter who they are. I think we've all been on 559 00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:09,040 Speaker 1: the internet long enough to know this, right you know, 560 00:34:09,120 --> 00:34:12,080 Speaker 1: literally think about like the coolest person on this planet, 561 00:34:12,120 --> 00:34:16,439 Speaker 1: like the most confident, successful, talented person. I can tell 562 00:34:16,440 --> 00:34:18,759 Speaker 1: you right now, there is someone out there who doesn't 563 00:34:18,840 --> 00:34:22,000 Speaker 1: like that person. There is someone out there who could 564 00:34:22,040 --> 00:34:24,960 Speaker 1: sit down with this person and have a big, in 565 00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:29,640 Speaker 1: depth conversation and still not like them. If confidence only 566 00:34:29,680 --> 00:34:32,360 Speaker 1: came from people liking you, no one would ever be 567 00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:35,279 Speaker 1: confident because everyone there is a hater for everyone out there. 568 00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:38,720 Speaker 1: So instead of fighting against this like immovable brick wall 569 00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:42,760 Speaker 1: that is someone else's nasty thoughts, focus on how you feel. 570 00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:45,200 Speaker 1: What do you want from a situation? How do you 571 00:34:45,239 --> 00:34:48,799 Speaker 1: want to leave feeling. Remember, people that are confident, they're 572 00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:52,480 Speaker 1: not these like shiny, perfect, great at everything people. They 573 00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:55,680 Speaker 1: are often people who can admit when they're not great 574 00:34:55,680 --> 00:34:58,279 Speaker 1: at things, they can ask for help. They also know 575 00:34:58,360 --> 00:35:00,680 Speaker 1: that there will be people who don't like them, but 576 00:35:02,000 --> 00:35:06,720 Speaker 1: they know what's in their control, which is their mindset. Okay, 577 00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:10,080 Speaker 1: we are going to take another short break, but when 578 00:35:10,120 --> 00:35:13,640 Speaker 1: we return, I have some listener questions, some listener dilemmas 579 00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:16,879 Speaker 1: all about confidence, so please stay with us. We will 580 00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:25,440 Speaker 1: be right back after this short break. Welcome back, everybody. 581 00:35:25,920 --> 00:35:29,400 Speaker 1: We have some listener questions coming straight from you guys, obviously, 582 00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:32,320 Speaker 1: the listeners. If you want to be able to partake 583 00:35:32,480 --> 00:35:35,640 Speaker 1: in this section of the podcast, make sure you are 584 00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:41,239 Speaker 1: following us at that Psychology podcast over on Instagram so 585 00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:43,360 Speaker 1: that you can see when I put up question boxes 586 00:35:43,840 --> 00:35:48,160 Speaker 1: for new episodes. Questions for this week, so good. Thank 587 00:35:48,200 --> 00:35:51,839 Speaker 1: you guys for coming out with your question hats on. Wow, 588 00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:54,719 Speaker 1: I sound like a school teacher, but yes, thank you 589 00:35:54,760 --> 00:35:58,319 Speaker 1: for asking some really cool, interesting things. Let's get into it. 590 00:35:58,800 --> 00:36:02,960 Speaker 1: This question, in some form or another, was probably the 591 00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:07,200 Speaker 1: most asked question. I really struggle that if I'm too confident, 592 00:36:07,239 --> 00:36:11,160 Speaker 1: I will come off as cocky in work situations and beyond, 593 00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:14,520 Speaker 1: where is the line? So many of you wanted to 594 00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:17,440 Speaker 1: know this, Where is the line between being confident and 595 00:36:17,640 --> 00:36:20,760 Speaker 1: arrogant or coming off as a jerk? Such a great question. 596 00:36:21,440 --> 00:36:23,759 Speaker 1: I think the fact that you are already aware of 597 00:36:23,800 --> 00:36:28,680 Speaker 1: this possibility means that you are probably self correcting too 598 00:36:28,760 --> 00:36:31,840 Speaker 1: much because you're so conscious of it, which could actually 599 00:36:31,880 --> 00:36:34,880 Speaker 1: be having the opposite effect of meaning you're shrinking yourself 600 00:36:34,880 --> 00:36:37,319 Speaker 1: more than you deserve to. We want to find an 601 00:36:37,360 --> 00:36:41,480 Speaker 1: authentic way of expressing confidence, right, and so what's important 602 00:36:41,520 --> 00:36:45,080 Speaker 1: to notice is how you're really feeling in yourself. Don't 603 00:36:45,080 --> 00:36:48,080 Speaker 1: think about others for a second. When you are truly confident, 604 00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:51,520 Speaker 1: you probably feel very calm. You feel alert, you feel grounded. 605 00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:55,480 Speaker 1: When you are feeling arrogant, you feel tense, You feel anxious, 606 00:36:55,480 --> 00:36:57,840 Speaker 1: you feel like you have something to prove, You feel forceful. 607 00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:01,480 Speaker 1: Learn to tell the two part and to just stay 608 00:37:02,239 --> 00:37:07,000 Speaker 1: in the first lane. When you are authentically confident, that 609 00:37:07,080 --> 00:37:11,040 Speaker 1: comes off amazingly. When you feel grounded, it comes off 610 00:37:11,080 --> 00:37:13,880 Speaker 1: amazingly when you are anxious, as when you actually end 611 00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:16,440 Speaker 1: up being arrogant. So as long as you can tell 612 00:37:16,480 --> 00:37:19,440 Speaker 1: the difference, I think you're pretty safe. I will also 613 00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:23,040 Speaker 1: say I hate the word cocky they're especially when it's 614 00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:25,319 Speaker 1: used towards others to put them down, Like there are very, 615 00:37:25,440 --> 00:37:29,040 Speaker 1: very very few people who are genuinely arrogant and cocky, 616 00:37:29,200 --> 00:37:32,279 Speaker 1: and yet people use that word to really keep other 617 00:37:32,280 --> 00:37:35,399 Speaker 1: people small because it benefits them to do so, or 618 00:37:35,480 --> 00:37:37,359 Speaker 1: because they think that they should get to be in 619 00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:41,120 Speaker 1: control of how people act when it's not of their business. 620 00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:44,000 Speaker 1: Often it is just a projection of how they think 621 00:37:44,080 --> 00:37:47,880 Speaker 1: they themselves should act and therefore how everyone else should 622 00:37:47,880 --> 00:37:50,200 Speaker 1: act because they've chosen to do it. But they don't 623 00:37:50,239 --> 00:37:53,400 Speaker 1: really get to make the rules. No one does. Worry 624 00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:56,120 Speaker 1: less about being seen as cocky and more about what 625 00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:59,520 Speaker 1: feels right for you to share, what feels right for 626 00:37:59,560 --> 00:38:02,000 Speaker 1: you to open up about what you want to say, 627 00:38:02,040 --> 00:38:04,239 Speaker 1: how you want to act, how you feel in a situation. 628 00:38:04,719 --> 00:38:07,239 Speaker 1: If you feel strong and powerful, if you don't doubt 629 00:38:07,320 --> 00:38:10,879 Speaker 1: yourself or question yourself, and say things that genuinely feel 630 00:38:10,920 --> 00:38:13,640 Speaker 1: true and meaningful, that is coming from a deep place. 631 00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:16,640 Speaker 1: And if someone interprets that as cocky, you know that 632 00:38:16,680 --> 00:38:20,320 Speaker 1: it's not your intention, and that's really the only explanation 633 00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:23,520 Speaker 1: you need. Basically, if you're worried about coming off as 634 00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:26,839 Speaker 1: arrogant or conceded. You are actually the person that I'd 635 00:38:26,840 --> 00:38:30,760 Speaker 1: probably be worried least about, because you have self awareness 636 00:38:30,760 --> 00:38:33,239 Speaker 1: and I don't think that truly arrogant people do, so 637 00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:38,200 Speaker 1: you should be okay. Second question, another freakin' banger. Why 638 00:38:38,239 --> 00:38:41,720 Speaker 1: do we feel less confident in a group of very 639 00:38:41,760 --> 00:38:46,760 Speaker 1: confident people? I think there are a few explanations. Maybe. 640 00:38:46,840 --> 00:38:50,320 Speaker 1: I think firstly, it feels like there's probably less space 641 00:38:50,360 --> 00:38:53,240 Speaker 1: to take up, less kind of like breathing room, because 642 00:38:53,239 --> 00:38:56,720 Speaker 1: everyone is like really demanding and asking for airtime. Probably 643 00:38:56,760 --> 00:39:00,439 Speaker 1: also triggers a little bit of imposter syndrome, like these 644 00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:03,200 Speaker 1: people have real reasons to be confident, Like these people 645 00:39:03,239 --> 00:39:06,719 Speaker 1: really look like they believe in themselves. I don't. I'm 646 00:39:06,719 --> 00:39:09,840 Speaker 1: just a fraud. Their confidence seems organic. Mine feels fake. 647 00:39:10,600 --> 00:39:14,120 Speaker 1: That's one take. Let's also talk about a more neurobiological 648 00:39:14,120 --> 00:39:17,040 Speaker 1: side to things, which is a bit more complex. But 649 00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:19,880 Speaker 1: we often, I think, feel less confident in groups of 650 00:39:19,920 --> 00:39:23,759 Speaker 1: highly confident people, not just because of imposter syndrome, but 651 00:39:23,800 --> 00:39:27,720 Speaker 1: also because of dominance hierarchies. You know, we are deeply 652 00:39:28,040 --> 00:39:31,680 Speaker 1: social animals. That's encoded into our neurobiology and from an 653 00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:35,279 Speaker 1: evolutionary standpoint, entering a groupment having to be able to 654 00:39:35,320 --> 00:39:38,880 Speaker 1: subconsciously assess where we sat in the social order, So 655 00:39:38,880 --> 00:39:42,319 Speaker 1: like who's dominant, who's subordinate, who's safe to align with, 656 00:39:42,360 --> 00:39:46,440 Speaker 1: who feels like a friend. High confidence and high confident 657 00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:51,480 Speaker 1: people signal dominance through their tone, their posture, their speech. 658 00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:54,760 Speaker 1: They feel like they are leaders, and so our brain 659 00:39:54,840 --> 00:40:00,160 Speaker 1: has to readjust where we sit, and that may interpret things. 660 00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:02,920 Speaker 1: There's a challenge to our social standing, even if it's 661 00:40:02,960 --> 00:40:06,000 Speaker 1: not because we have these ancient brains. In a modern setting, 662 00:40:06,600 --> 00:40:08,959 Speaker 1: you know, there isn't just one person who's always in charge. 663 00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:11,240 Speaker 1: There isn't just one leader who will dominate over others. 664 00:40:11,560 --> 00:40:14,960 Speaker 1: There is more space. The important thing to also remember 665 00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:17,680 Speaker 1: is that truly confident people, they are the ones who 666 00:40:17,719 --> 00:40:20,239 Speaker 1: want others to thrive and they want to elevate you. 667 00:40:20,920 --> 00:40:25,000 Speaker 1: Confident people have actually been shown to judge others less, 668 00:40:25,520 --> 00:40:29,840 Speaker 1: and they spend more time assessing themselves compared to other people. 669 00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:32,680 Speaker 1: So actually, in a room full of confident people, you 670 00:40:32,719 --> 00:40:36,760 Speaker 1: are probably the safest you will ever be from judgment. 671 00:40:37,280 --> 00:40:39,279 Speaker 1: So actually, this is where you should feel free to 672 00:40:39,320 --> 00:40:42,040 Speaker 1: be allowed take risks, tell stories, be who you want 673 00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:45,160 Speaker 1: to be authentically. If they judge you, that's something they 674 00:40:45,239 --> 00:40:51,000 Speaker 1: have to address, not you. Next question, does being delusional 675 00:40:51,080 --> 00:40:57,920 Speaker 1: actually help in elevating confidence? Yes, yes, yes, being delusional 676 00:40:58,000 --> 00:41:00,680 Speaker 1: can make you more confident. It's again the language and 677 00:41:00,719 --> 00:41:03,160 Speaker 1: the way that you're speaking to yourself. It relates to 678 00:41:03,200 --> 00:41:07,560 Speaker 1: that self fulfilling prophecy that we kind of talked about before. 679 00:41:07,760 --> 00:41:11,400 Speaker 1: If you, you know, feel like you can be something, 680 00:41:11,719 --> 00:41:14,640 Speaker 1: if you just so deeply believe it, chances are that 681 00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:17,520 Speaker 1: you're more likely to act in a way that will 682 00:41:17,560 --> 00:41:22,080 Speaker 1: make that happen. Kind of relating to the first question, though, 683 00:41:22,080 --> 00:41:26,440 Speaker 1: there is a fine line here between delusion and narcissism, 684 00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:29,520 Speaker 1: and also delusion and actually putting in the work, like 685 00:41:29,880 --> 00:41:32,240 Speaker 1: confidence is a skill, not a trait. That's the title 686 00:41:32,280 --> 00:41:36,799 Speaker 1: of the episode. Skills require work. So saying like this 687 00:41:36,840 --> 00:41:38,480 Speaker 1: is going to happen to me, this is going to 688 00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:42,240 Speaker 1: happen for me. All great things. You should believe in yourself. 689 00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:45,160 Speaker 1: You should believe in your dreams. You also have to 690 00:41:45,200 --> 00:41:47,360 Speaker 1: do something about them. You also have to find a 691 00:41:47,360 --> 00:41:51,000 Speaker 1: way to take all of that really positive energy, like 692 00:41:51,040 --> 00:41:54,920 Speaker 1: that's a great starting point and make a plan. Be 693 00:41:55,000 --> 00:41:57,480 Speaker 1: willing to initiate, be willing to put yourself out there, 694 00:41:57,760 --> 00:42:00,480 Speaker 1: be willing to be cringe embarrassing, fail. That's what a 695 00:42:00,480 --> 00:42:03,640 Speaker 1: really confident person would do. But yes, being delusional one 696 00:42:04,000 --> 00:42:09,120 Speaker 1: percent very helpful. Final question, how do I feel confident 697 00:42:09,120 --> 00:42:11,879 Speaker 1: in a physical feature I can't change? I don't want 698 00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:14,759 Speaker 1: to get surgery slash, I can't. So how do I 699 00:42:14,800 --> 00:42:17,400 Speaker 1: embrace if not truly learned to love this part of me? 700 00:42:18,680 --> 00:42:24,400 Speaker 1: I really relate to this. Yeah, I really relate to this. 701 00:42:24,880 --> 00:42:26,560 Speaker 1: For a long time. There are things about myself that 702 00:42:26,600 --> 00:42:30,120 Speaker 1: I really wanted to change. I still do. Here's the thing. 703 00:42:30,920 --> 00:42:32,680 Speaker 1: We were not meant to be as conscious of our 704 00:42:32,719 --> 00:42:36,719 Speaker 1: appearance as we are. Appearance was not meant to be 705 00:42:37,120 --> 00:42:39,960 Speaker 1: such an important factor as it is in modern society, 706 00:42:40,800 --> 00:42:42,960 Speaker 1: and so of course it's really hard to love yourself 707 00:42:43,280 --> 00:42:45,120 Speaker 1: when the thing a lot of us feel judged for 708 00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:49,319 Speaker 1: first and foremost is by our looks. And it's not 709 00:42:49,400 --> 00:42:52,760 Speaker 1: just that looks signal attractiveness anymore, or fertility or whatever 710 00:42:53,000 --> 00:42:56,320 Speaker 1: it was meant to. It signals wealth, and it signals 711 00:42:56,440 --> 00:42:59,279 Speaker 1: social standing, and it signals all these other things that 712 00:42:59,320 --> 00:43:02,880 Speaker 1: it's just like, making it such a confusing thing to manage. 713 00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:05,440 Speaker 1: Ah my God, I saw this video the other day, 714 00:43:05,440 --> 00:43:07,239 Speaker 1: and not to judge this woman at all, but I 715 00:43:07,239 --> 00:43:09,520 Speaker 1: saw this video of this woman who had sperm like 716 00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:13,160 Speaker 1: what was it, like fish sperm injected into her face, 717 00:43:13,200 --> 00:43:17,160 Speaker 1: and I was like that, I imagine telling someone like 718 00:43:17,440 --> 00:43:19,840 Speaker 1: six thousand years ago that that was something that was 719 00:43:19,880 --> 00:43:23,200 Speaker 1: done like that sounds like medieval torture. And yet that's 720 00:43:23,280 --> 00:43:26,399 Speaker 1: like something that people pay for to like stay young 721 00:43:26,480 --> 00:43:29,640 Speaker 1: these days. And it's just the culture that we live in. 722 00:43:29,800 --> 00:43:32,960 Speaker 1: No wonder everyone feels ugly, Like I don't know anyone 723 00:43:32,960 --> 00:43:35,840 Speaker 1: who like truly just feels beautiful in themselves anymore. There's 724 00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:38,920 Speaker 1: always something that an industry or a business or a 725 00:43:38,960 --> 00:43:42,239 Speaker 1: brand is gonna try and make you feel insecure about. 726 00:43:42,440 --> 00:43:45,360 Speaker 1: So it's worth asking yourself, who taught me that this 727 00:43:45,520 --> 00:43:47,200 Speaker 1: was a problem in the first place, and what do 728 00:43:47,280 --> 00:43:52,160 Speaker 1: they have to gain from making me feel bad? Often, 729 00:43:52,200 --> 00:43:55,920 Speaker 1: you know, our discomfort is a mirror reflecting society's very 730 00:43:56,000 --> 00:44:00,160 Speaker 1: narrow ideals. It's not an objective truth. Ugliness is actually 731 00:44:00,200 --> 00:44:05,960 Speaker 1: not objective at all. Also, just really start by softening 732 00:44:05,960 --> 00:44:11,320 Speaker 1: the language. Shift from ugly to unusual to unique to special, 733 00:44:11,480 --> 00:44:17,040 Speaker 1: from embarrassing to mine to whatever word you want to 734 00:44:17,160 --> 00:44:20,520 Speaker 1: use that feels firstly neutral and then positive. You don't 735 00:44:20,560 --> 00:44:23,319 Speaker 1: have to force yourself to love yourself right away. Aim 736 00:44:23,360 --> 00:44:26,440 Speaker 1: for neutrality, Aim for something that's a little bit easier, 737 00:44:26,480 --> 00:44:29,160 Speaker 1: and just saying this part of me, it exists. I 738 00:44:29,200 --> 00:44:32,279 Speaker 1: don't need to shrink because of it. Also, how you 739 00:44:32,320 --> 00:44:34,640 Speaker 1: look is really the least interesting thing about you. And 740 00:44:35,440 --> 00:44:37,479 Speaker 1: I know I've said that so often, and I'm sorry 741 00:44:37,520 --> 00:44:40,440 Speaker 1: if you've heard it before, but if life was all 742 00:44:40,480 --> 00:44:45,360 Speaker 1: about appearances, it would be very boring. And beauty does fade, 743 00:44:45,440 --> 00:44:48,280 Speaker 1: and beauty becomes something that people can only talk about 744 00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:51,279 Speaker 1: for so long. So focus on the other areas of 745 00:44:51,320 --> 00:44:54,560 Speaker 1: your life where you feel naturally confident and work on 746 00:44:54,680 --> 00:44:57,839 Speaker 1: expanding them, work on thinking about them more, putting more 747 00:44:57,880 --> 00:45:03,880 Speaker 1: time into those areas, celebrating them. Beauty and attractiveness, it 748 00:45:04,000 --> 00:45:08,200 Speaker 1: is something we all live with, obviously and have to consider, 749 00:45:08,239 --> 00:45:10,600 Speaker 1: and we exist in a system where that does matter. 750 00:45:10,640 --> 00:45:12,719 Speaker 1: I'm not going to deny it. But how much do 751 00:45:12,760 --> 00:45:15,399 Speaker 1: you want it to matter? How much do you want 752 00:45:15,440 --> 00:45:17,359 Speaker 1: it to dictate the rest of your life. That's like 753 00:45:17,920 --> 00:45:20,200 Speaker 1: a big question that I think is very existential and 754 00:45:20,239 --> 00:45:21,920 Speaker 1: that you kind of have to answer for yourself. But 755 00:45:23,520 --> 00:45:25,279 Speaker 1: I wish you the best of luck and know that 756 00:45:25,320 --> 00:45:28,600 Speaker 1: I'm there with you and I've had many a similar thought. 757 00:45:29,520 --> 00:45:31,920 Speaker 1: That is all we have time for today, my lovely listeners. 758 00:45:32,320 --> 00:45:35,400 Speaker 1: I hope that this episode has given you something to 759 00:45:35,400 --> 00:45:38,040 Speaker 1: think about and given you something to apply to your 760 00:45:38,040 --> 00:45:41,000 Speaker 1: own life. I hope you know confidence is a skill, 761 00:45:41,120 --> 00:45:43,120 Speaker 1: not a trait, and with a skill, with any skill, 762 00:45:43,120 --> 00:45:46,000 Speaker 1: it's something that you can improve in whatever area of 763 00:45:46,040 --> 00:45:49,600 Speaker 1: your life you want to feel more like yourself and 764 00:45:49,719 --> 00:45:54,280 Speaker 1: more for yourself. Leave your most like unhinged confidence tips 765 00:45:54,280 --> 00:45:56,719 Speaker 1: in the comments below. If you have one that I 766 00:45:56,719 --> 00:45:59,799 Speaker 1: haven't mentioned, let's share it. What's the thing that you 767 00:45:59,840 --> 00:46:02,600 Speaker 1: do that like is just so weird and wacky? Bit 768 00:46:02,640 --> 00:46:05,560 Speaker 1: always works and always makes you feel amazing, whether it's 769 00:46:05,600 --> 00:46:07,840 Speaker 1: like a playlist, whether it's like whatever it is, like, 770 00:46:07,960 --> 00:46:10,640 Speaker 1: what is it? I want to know? Make sure again 771 00:46:10,640 --> 00:46:14,000 Speaker 1: you are following me on Instagram at that psychology podcast, 772 00:46:14,360 --> 00:46:16,719 Speaker 1: and that you share this episode with a friend, with 773 00:46:16,920 --> 00:46:19,800 Speaker 1: a family member, with a colleague who you think could 774 00:46:19,800 --> 00:46:23,960 Speaker 1: benefit from listening to it. Follow, subscribe, like share all 775 00:46:24,000 --> 00:46:26,200 Speaker 1: those things. I always forget which order they're in, but 776 00:46:26,360 --> 00:46:29,200 Speaker 1: you know, the deal really helps the show grow, helps 777 00:46:29,200 --> 00:46:31,400 Speaker 1: it reach new people also puts a bile on my 778 00:46:31,440 --> 00:46:33,839 Speaker 1: face if that's something you may or may not want 779 00:46:33,840 --> 00:46:37,400 Speaker 1: to do. But anyways, until next time, stay safe, be kind, 780 00:46:37,760 --> 00:46:41,279 Speaker 1: be gentle with yourself. We will talk very very soon.