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Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dom here. If you like this

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Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me

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Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more.

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Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot

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Speaker 1: fm to get started.

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Speaker 2: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. Chosen families

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Speaker 2: are non biological kinship bonds, whether legally recognized or not,

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Speaker 2: deliberately chosen for the purpose of mutual support and love.

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Speaker 2: So the nuclear family unit was historically believed to include

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Speaker 2: a husband, wife, and children, but your chosen family could

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Speaker 2: be anybody. Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 2: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments

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Speaker 2: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a

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Speaker 2: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also,

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Speaker 2: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe

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Speaker 2: on iTunes and visit cultivatingheirspace dot com to access our

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Speaker 2: exclusive after show and other bonus content from the Patreon tab.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 1: women like you. We're your hosts, Doctor Dominique Bussard, a

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Speaker 1: college professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a

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Speaker 2: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please

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Speaker 2: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 2: five roads to fake friends, and create a safe space

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Speaker 2: where black women can just.

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Speaker 3: Be Hey, lady, it's doctor Dom here. From the Cultivating

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Speaker 3: her Space podcast. Do you have a burning question you're

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Speaker 3: dying to get feedback on? Do you want an unbiased

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Speaker 3: perspective on a situation you're facing. If so, visit cultivatinghirspace

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Speaker 3: dot com and click ask doctor Dom under the start

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Speaker 3: here option. Every Tuesday, I'll choose a few questions and

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Speaker 3: answer them at random. Our quote of the day, family

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Speaker 3: is where you're meant to be most free. Don't let

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Speaker 3: blood chain you down, all right, t.

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Speaker 1: I mean the second part of that quote is just

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Speaker 1: it's going in right. I don't know for me when

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Speaker 1: I hear that, I hear your blood relatives don't have

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Speaker 1: to be your only family. What about you?

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Speaker 2: It's so funny that you shared that, because when you

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Speaker 2: ask that, I was just about to say, now I'm

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Speaker 2: about the boomerang this right back over to you real quick,

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Speaker 2: so I can take time to think about. Oh, it's

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Speaker 2: so deep. I mean these quotes, Okay, I think the

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Speaker 2: first part people are like, yeah, you know, families where

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Speaker 2: you're meant to be most free. Yeah, I resonate with that.

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Speaker 2: And then when it's like, don't let blood change you down,

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Speaker 2: it's like, oh, like you said, right, there's another aspect

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Speaker 2: of family that isn't necessarily tied by blood, but maybe

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Speaker 2: by vibration, right, maybe by your spirituality or the experiences

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Speaker 2: that you have with them. And so lady, today we're

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Speaker 2: about to dive into a conversation that for some may

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Speaker 2: be challenging. It might even be triggering for some people,

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Speaker 2: right when you think about the relationships they have with

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Speaker 2: their families. And I think the beautiful thing about this

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Speaker 2: conversation is like always where we're going to be, you know,

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Speaker 2: ending on a positive note, and we're going to be

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Speaker 2: sharing some tips on how to cultivate that community when

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Speaker 2: you aren't close to your family, because I know, for me,

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Speaker 2: I've always you know, I've heard about people being estranged

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Speaker 2: from family members, and I never really understood what that meant.

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Speaker 2: Like I was just like, oh, okay, that's so weird.

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Speaker 2: I could never imagine, you know, what that looks like

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Speaker 2: because I grew up in a very what I thought

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Speaker 2: was a close knit family. And so I guess the

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Speaker 2: first question would be, lady, when you think about your

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Speaker 2: relationship with your family, how would you describe that? Like,

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Speaker 2: how would you describe your relationship with your family? And

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Speaker 2: I know for me, dom this has evolved drastically, you know,

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Speaker 2: I think as a kid, it was very much a

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Speaker 2: close knit family. And even though I was raised in

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Speaker 2: San Diego for some time and my family, my core

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Speaker 2: family was back on the East Coast. My mom was

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Speaker 2: very adamant that we stayed in touch, so we were

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Speaker 2: calling our grandparents, and as a kid didn't really like

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Speaker 2: understand the value of that before I developed, like my

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Speaker 2: own relationship with my grandparents. But as a kid, it's like, Okay,

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Speaker 2: I got to call my mom and pop pap, so

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Speaker 2: you call them, and you know, you speak to some cousins.

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Speaker 2: And we moved back east, I got even closer. And

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Speaker 2: that's when I had my own relationship, so no one

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Speaker 2: had to tell what to call my grandparents. I would

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Speaker 2: just go over there. I would just call them because

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Speaker 2: we had our own relationship. I was older and more mature.

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Speaker 2: But I think that holidays, barbecues, block parties, those are

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Speaker 2: all things that I participated in growing up, and so

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Speaker 2: for me, that made me feel like it was a

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Speaker 2: close knit family. But when I think about the quality

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Speaker 2: of their relationships, I honestly only think that there were

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Speaker 2: a handful of relationships that were close knit, that were

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Speaker 2: considered relationships that I could be free in right, relationships

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Speaker 2: that I felt fully supported in, and not just surface level.

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Speaker 2: So that's kind of like the evolution. I would say

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Speaker 2: part one of my family that I want to see

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Speaker 2: what your experience was like, Dom, I.

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Speaker 1: Would say that mine is pretty similar in that respect that,

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Speaker 1: like I remember as a child in my through up

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Speaker 1: until probably Katrina, my family would go to my grandmother's house,

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Speaker 1: my grandparents' house for Sunday dinner, right go to church

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Speaker 1: on Sunday, and then after church we would be at

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Speaker 1: my grandparents' house and then sometimes one of my aunts

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Speaker 1: and her family would come and then, you know, so

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Speaker 1: it's like sometimes other my mom's other siblings would be there,

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Speaker 1: but every Sunday we were there. And I remember, even

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Speaker 1: when I started college, like I would still figure out

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Speaker 1: like even if it meant like I didn't have a car,

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Speaker 1: and it meant that somebody was coming on campus to

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Speaker 1: pick me up so I could be there for a

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Speaker 1: Sunday dinner, you know. And then once I did get

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Speaker 1: a car in my senior year, I would go there

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Speaker 1: for Sunday dinner and then go to work. And that

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Speaker 1: was like, that's something that's a memory, a fond memory

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Speaker 1: that I have. And then I think about like as

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Speaker 1: I got older, like once I moved and went to

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Speaker 1: grad school, like like you, I learned to have cultivate

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Speaker 1: my own relationships with my grandparents. And so I started,

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Speaker 1: even though I couldn't be there physically on Sundays, I

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Speaker 1: started calling on Sundays so then I could still somewhould

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Speaker 1: be a part of the Sunday dinner, you know, with

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Speaker 1: the family. And I think about now as an adult,

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Speaker 1: how each of my siblings have different relationships with my grandmother,

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Speaker 1: and each of my siblings we have our own different

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Speaker 1: relationship with my mom and then even our individual relationships

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Speaker 1: are you know, like are unique, and so I think

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Speaker 1: about that from the perspective of I can remember a

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Speaker 1: point in life where I had these expectations of what

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Speaker 1: a family was supposed to be or how a family

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Speaker 1: was supposed to be connected, and there would be points

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Speaker 1: in time where I would find myself feeling disappointed that

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Speaker 1: my family didn't look like other people's families, right, that

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Speaker 1: my family didn't do activities the way other families did

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Speaker 1: and I didn't have And I think back to the

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Speaker 1: episode where most recently where we had Doctor Tama on

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Speaker 1: and we were talking about mother daughter relationships, and I

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Speaker 1: think about how my mom and I don't have that

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Speaker 1: relationship and so of like a best friend type situation,

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Speaker 1: and I just think about, like the expectations that I've

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Speaker 1: placed on myself around what family should look like, and

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Speaker 1: the process that I've gone through in terms of reconciling

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Speaker 1: in my own mind what I am grateful for within

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Speaker 1: my own family, and then and what I need as

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Speaker 1: an individual and how to get that need met if

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Speaker 1: it's not coming from my blood relatives. I know that

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Speaker 1: was a lot no.

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Speaker 2: That was beautifully stated down, and I'm just thinking about

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Speaker 2: Sunday dinners that you shared and how you know, ah Man,

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Speaker 2: I'm just kind of visualizing that and thinking about the

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Speaker 2: traditions that we used to have with my grandparents. Because

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Speaker 2: it's funny. I noticed that you said my grandmother's house

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Speaker 2: and you said my grandparents' house. We used to always

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Speaker 2: call my grandparents' house my mom's house, even though Pop

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Speaker 2: Pop it was his house too. It was just like,

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Speaker 2: this is my mom's vibe. She's the one that I said. No,

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Speaker 2: it's just I don't know. She's decorating for all the

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Speaker 2: high people. I mean, her house was the one stop

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Speaker 2: shop for all the holiday dinners. And we talked about

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Speaker 2: this in a previous episode as well, about I think

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Speaker 2: it was around the holiday season and how it seems different.

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Speaker 2: And I think back to those memories that you talked

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Speaker 2: about and also my personal experiences, and it's like, dang,

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Speaker 2: I cherish them. I cherish all of those memories, but

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Speaker 2: I don't think I'll ever experienced that particular experience again

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Speaker 2: because my grandparents aren't here. Also, I don't even know

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Speaker 2: what that's going to be like for my children because

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Speaker 2: we're not even in the same area. We don't have

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Speaker 2: those same sort of family ties the way that I

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Speaker 2: grew up with. And it's not necessarily a bad or

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Speaker 2: good thing. It just is what it is. But I

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Speaker 2: think that you made a really good point in that

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Speaker 2: as you get older, you kind of think about the

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Speaker 2: expectations and expectations that are sometimes unrealistic that you're putting

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Speaker 2: on people. I know, for me, the older I got,

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Speaker 2: the clearer things got for me by way of who

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Speaker 2: people were in my family. And there were some people

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Speaker 2: I was just like, damn, I literally only talked to

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Speaker 2: you because you have this title in my life, like

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Speaker 2: we're blood related, But outside of that, you would not

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Speaker 2: be a person that I would even engage with. You know,

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Speaker 2: not saying everyone in my family's bad, but there are

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Speaker 2: definitely some leeches and definitely some people that you know

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Speaker 2: are I mean, the gossip thing and just a lot

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Speaker 2: of vibes that don't resonate with me. And I think

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Speaker 2: for me dom after my grandmother passed away, that's where

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Speaker 2: things really started to like fade right holiday. She was

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Speaker 2: getting sick toward the end of her life, so the

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Speaker 2: holiday dinners just weren't the same like when we were younger,

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Speaker 2: and you would have all your cousins and everyone over

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Speaker 2: that whole vibe change. But then also I think with

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Speaker 2: her passing, it allowed me to see things as an

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Speaker 2: adult and see that, Wow, there are certain people where

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Speaker 2: you know, when I was younger, I saw you a

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Speaker 2: certain way. But now in my adulthood, I realize and

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Speaker 2: I say this, I was going to say, with all

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Speaker 2: due respects, but maybe not. But you ain't shit, you

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Speaker 2: know what I mean? Like you mean no good for

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Speaker 2: I'm being real, Like you mean no good for yourself

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Speaker 2: and the people around you. And I am now in

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Speaker 2: a place where I set boundaries with people. So when

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Speaker 2: you call and you ask for money, even though you

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Speaker 2: are shoot twice my age, and you have your own family,

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Speaker 2: and I'm trying to build my own family, and it's

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Speaker 2: like I'm three thousand miles away, right or you know,

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Speaker 2: I come around and it's like give me, give me,

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Speaker 2: give me, like this this sense of entitlement. Now I

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Speaker 2: kind of understand why certain family members stepped away years ago.

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Speaker 2: You ever remember those certain family members where they like

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Speaker 2: it's like the rich uncle rich auntie vibe where people

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Speaker 2: are like, oh yeah, they bougie, they live, they moved

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Speaker 2: to Virginia or they lived to California. Now that's what

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Speaker 2: us no more, right, I think about those people, and

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Speaker 2: I'm probably one of those in the family, But I

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Speaker 2: see why because a lot of them were like, yo,

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Speaker 2: I'm trying to elevate and get out of the drama

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Speaker 2: and the nonsense and cultivate my own community and vibe,

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Speaker 2: and certain people in this family don't really, you know,

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Speaker 2: live by that. And so it's funny because I notice

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Speaker 2: that those people that moved away, they tend to be

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Speaker 2: doing better. They tend to have more peace in their life, right,

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Speaker 2: they tend to just have a different lifestyle in general.

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Speaker 2: And so I would say that today my family and

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Speaker 2: who I consider my family is very different. Like I

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Speaker 2: probably on my hand can count the people that I

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Speaker 2: have close relationships with and my family, my siblings, you know,

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Speaker 2: they're always there. I have one aunt that I talk

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Speaker 2: to and the few people that I might see on

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Speaker 2: social media. But as far as like deep relationships where

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Speaker 2: I like know the person, I mean, it's very very few.

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Speaker 2: And sometimes I used to think, like, dang, let's kind

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Speaker 2: of say, like is that a bad thing that it's

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Speaker 2: that way? But then I remember the vibe and the

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Speaker 2: standards that I have for people in my life, and

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Speaker 2: a lot of those folks, we just the vibe. It

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Speaker 2: just it doesn't match, you know, It's just not that

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Speaker 2: it's no good for me being a person that is

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Speaker 2: always giving and the people that are around me. Dom

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Speaker 2: I can honestly say that I'm the kind of person

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Speaker 2: where if you're in my life, I'm going to do

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Speaker 2: my best to elevate you and me like I'm going

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Speaker 2: to be moving forward, and I like to be able

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Speaker 2: to do that. Some people they're not ready for that,

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Speaker 2: they don't want that, or they just want to know

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Speaker 2: leach off of you, And so I think that that

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Speaker 2: really does define how those relationships look.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, I think it's complicated, right because I think

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Speaker 1: about folks who and I appreciate your perspective of putting

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Speaker 1: that out there right that, because I think what happens

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Speaker 1: is is that there are a lot of folks out

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Speaker 1: there who don't have healthy relationships with their family or

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Speaker 1: who don't feel like their family. Like you said that

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Speaker 1: y'all are on the same wavelength, and then people feel

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Speaker 1: a lot of shame around talking about it, right because

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Speaker 1: there are other folks out there who their value is

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Speaker 1: we're family. No matter what, and they will put up

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Speaker 1: with let me back up and be a bit more

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Speaker 1: intentional and compassionate in my language. They will allow purtful

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Speaker 1: and painful things to continue to happen within the family

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Speaker 1: for the sake of maintaining that value of having a family.

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Speaker 1: And I think that that can be really hard for folks.

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Speaker 1: And so I appreciate you naming that and putting that

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Speaker 1: out there that you have said boundaries for yourself, and

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Speaker 1: you have said, you know, this is the life I

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Speaker 1: want to lead, and I am going to be unapologetic

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Speaker 1: about having the family that makes me feel safe in love.

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Speaker 2: Tom, you did it again. You hit the nail on

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Speaker 2: the head. I mean, I couldnot agree with you more.

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Speaker 2: And you know what, you made a good point, Like

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Speaker 2: I think there definitely is a level of compassion empathy

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Speaker 2: that we had to have for people that kind of

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Speaker 2: feel stuck. But there are situations that I put up

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Speaker 2: with in the past where I did it just because

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Speaker 2: I'm like, I felt obligated. I'm like, oh, this is

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Speaker 2: my family member, even though I don't want to do this,

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Speaker 2: even though I don't want to, you know, I'm going

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Speaker 2: home in the visit. I don't want to go drive

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Speaker 2: this person to this place. I don't want to lend

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Speaker 2: anyone money. That is one that comes up a lot,

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Speaker 2: you know, and whether or not they pay you back.

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Speaker 2: It's just like, I don't want to have those types

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Speaker 2: of relationships. I mean, dom you and I. I'm sure

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Speaker 2: that if either of us needed something, we would be

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Speaker 2: there for one another. But we don't have a relationship

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Speaker 2: where we're like asking for money. And I personally I'm

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Speaker 2: down to do that cause I've done that with friends

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Speaker 2: and I've also borrowed money, but I tried not to

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Speaker 2: make that a ritual or a practice, and that was

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Speaker 2: something that came up a lot for me when I

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Speaker 2: think about certain relationships where it's like I don't ask

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Speaker 2: you for any of them, but you're always asking me

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Speaker 2: for stuff. So, lady, as you listen and think about it,

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Speaker 2: this is not an easy conversation to have. I think

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Speaker 2: sometimes there's a lot of shame and a lot of guilt,

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Speaker 2: and sometimes it's self inflicted right where we're like, damn it,

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Speaker 2: but I gotta do this because it's the family member

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Speaker 2: I do want to stay down. I appreciate you acknowledging

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Speaker 2: the boundaries that I've set, but I also want to

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Speaker 2: note that sometimes it comes at a cost. So sometimes

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Speaker 2: you know, your family can disown you, which is why

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Speaker 2: I'm all about being self sustaining and like also having

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Speaker 2: good relationships. I'm not going to be stink or nasty

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Speaker 2: to anyone, but at the same time, I will set

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Speaker 2: a boundary and let someone know like, oh yeah, I

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Speaker 2: don't That's not what we do over here. Like the

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Speaker 2: vibe is different, Like I will not disrespect is just

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Speaker 2: something I do not tolerate. I try my best not

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Speaker 2: to tolerate. Should I say, cause I'm still work in progress,

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Speaker 2: But I would say also being an outlier, also having

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Speaker 2: people think, oh, especially because we live in Cali down

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Speaker 2: everybody thinks Cali is just Hollywood. They're like, oh you Hollywood, Now,

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Speaker 2: oh you changed up. It's like no, I just I

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Speaker 2: set boundaries and I have to stand just for the

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Speaker 2: people that are in my life and how they treat me.

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Speaker 2: And I'm also just in a space like I'm not

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Speaker 2: interested in just having like nothing conversations and God's being

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Speaker 2: about other people and then going in their face and talk.

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Speaker 2: You know what I mean, I just you know, So

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Speaker 2: I appreciate you bringing that up. It's not easy. I

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Speaker 2: think it's a process, and I think moving away and

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Speaker 2: getting married for me was really really great because it

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Speaker 2: allowed me to really remove myself from the environment. Because

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Speaker 2: I noticed that some of the folks that stayed closer,

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Speaker 2: they tend to get pulled back in into the bs, right,

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Speaker 2: because a lot of the people are still in the

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Speaker 2: same area, So it's like they get pulled back in.

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Speaker 2: And then one thing I want to say is sometimes

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Speaker 2: things happen to us based on who we're attached to.

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Speaker 2: So some shit, So I just wanted to put it

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Speaker 2: this way, so function that you probably would have never

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Speaker 2: been involved in ends up happening because you were involved

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Speaker 2: with this person. Maybe they're in your family, but they

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00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:40,359
Speaker 2: were up to no good, right, and they didn't let

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Speaker 2: you know what was going on, and now you're pulled in.

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Speaker 2: So that's another reason why I really do my best

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Speaker 2: to protect my energy and who's in my life and

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Speaker 2: who I'm around, because that's important to me.

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Speaker 1: Oh, yes, I think that that is so important. Just

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Speaker 1: thinking about you know, as you were talking, I was

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Speaker 1: thinking about how, yes, how physical distance can create emotional distance, right,

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Speaker 1: and sometimes it doesn't have to be in a negative way.

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Speaker 1: Right or in a bad way, right, like exactly. Sometimes,

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Speaker 1: Like I can remember being in grad school and things

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Speaker 1: would happen in the family and I wouldn't find out

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Speaker 1: about it until I went home to visit, and I

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Speaker 1: would be like, well, what the hell, why didn't y'all

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Speaker 1: tell me about this? Why didn't y'all let me know

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Speaker 1: this was going on? Like I could have done something

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Speaker 1: to help, And the response was always, well, we didn't

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Speaker 1: want to worry you. What you don't want to worry me?

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Speaker 1: So on one hand, it was like, Okay, thank you.

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Speaker 1: I appreciate you caring for me in that regard, But

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Speaker 1: at the same time I felt left out.

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Speaker 2: All right, Yeah, that makes sense.

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Speaker 1: In hindsight as an a adult adult, I'm grateful for it, right, Like,

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Speaker 1: I recognize that in the moment, my perception was, oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm being pushed out or left out, but the reality

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Speaker 1: was that they were trying to protect me, and I think,

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Speaker 1: now being removed from that, I'm grateful for it because

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Speaker 1: I couldn't imagine the pull the stress that I would

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Speaker 1: have really been under. Actually I take that back, I'm lying.

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Speaker 1: I can't imagine the pull and the stress because there

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Speaker 1: were times where I was aware of things, and so

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Speaker 1: I know that I would have been stretched and stressed

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Speaker 1: with knowing what was happening back home, and so I'm

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Speaker 1: grateful that, you know, my family considered me in that

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Speaker 1: way and protected me in that way.

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Speaker 2: That makes sense, and that is a really good point,

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Speaker 2: and I can understand both perspectives. First I was like, Oh,

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Speaker 2: that's so sweet. They want to bother you. But then

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Speaker 2: some stuff goes down and you're like, well, I wanted

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Speaker 2: to be in the note. But then oh, it's like,

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Speaker 2: you know, it's a tricky one. I will say, Dom,

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Speaker 2: you and I have talked about this offline about me

376
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Speaker 2: and me currently being estranged from my mom, and so

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Speaker 2: one of my advisors in life has introduced me to

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Speaker 2: this concept of a chosen family, which I've resonated so

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Speaker 2: deeply with. So, Lady, we're going to talk about some

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Speaker 2: of the possibilities of a chosen family. So think about

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Speaker 2: those situations. We'll talk about what it means. But think

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Speaker 2: about those situations in life where you've had people that

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Speaker 2: they're not blood but you know, we were younger, you'd

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Speaker 2: be like, oh, that's my cousin, that's my play cousin, right,

385
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Speaker 2: or that's my I mean, that could be part of

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Speaker 2: your chosen family. And so when we think about chosen families,

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Speaker 2: chosen families are non biological kinship bonds, whether legally recognized

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Speaker 2: not deliberately chosen for the purpose of mutual support and love.

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Speaker 2: So the nuclear family unit was historically believed to include

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Speaker 2: a husband, wife, and children. But your chosen family could

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Speaker 2: be anybody, right, It's like a variety of people. And

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Speaker 2: I think about what my family I want to say.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes you can even say your soul family, Like what

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Speaker 2: my soul family looks like. I mean, it's a colorful,

395
00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:24,040
Speaker 2: flavorful bunch people I would have never thought that I

396
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:27,800
Speaker 2: had these, okay, these deep relationships with. But the thing is,

397
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Speaker 2: we talked about this in one of our episodes. They

398
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Speaker 2: show me. They don't just tell me, they don't just

399
00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:35,160
Speaker 2: pay me lip service, but they show up when it's

400
00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:38,320
Speaker 2: really needed, you know. And so I think about my

401
00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:41,320
Speaker 2: book launch. I had my book launch was that last year?

402
00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:48,200
Speaker 2: Oh damn July, thank you girl out Because I'm like, wait,

403
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Speaker 2: when was that? I feel like COVID has just messed

404
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,919
Speaker 2: up our whole sense of time. So I'm like, what

405
00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:56,320
Speaker 2: year is this? Last year with the book launch. I

406
00:22:56,359 --> 00:22:59,640
Speaker 2: mean down there were so many people that I expected

407
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Speaker 2: to be there for me, because I'm like, we family,

408
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Speaker 2: you know what I mean, Like I thought I was

409
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Speaker 2: going to get some support, not a peep. But when

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Speaker 2: I tell you, my co workers, and I think I

411
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Speaker 2: even share this with you, don you my co workers

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Speaker 2: people that got my freaking acupuncturist. I mean people that

413
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Speaker 2: I just would have never even imagined they supported in droves.

414
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Speaker 2: They like overwhelmed the book system and you know, we're

415
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Speaker 2: in the midst of COVID trying to shift the books out.

416
00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:28,960
Speaker 2: I mean, they really showed out. And I was just

417
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Speaker 2: so overwhelmed with gratitude because at the end of the day,

418
00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:33,639
Speaker 2: we all know yet you might have some relationships with

419
00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:36,040
Speaker 2: your coworkers, but co workers don't have to support your

420
00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:37,879
Speaker 2: ass outside of work, like that is not part of

421
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:41,520
Speaker 2: this relationship. But they showed out, okay, And I mean

422
00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:43,640
Speaker 2: that was just for me. I was like, damn, these

423
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Speaker 2: are my people, Like these are the people that are

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Speaker 2: here for me, and so for me, that was very

425
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:51,560
Speaker 2: important to not hold any resentment. Although I could recognize

426
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Speaker 2: that there were certain people in my life that I

427
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:56,439
Speaker 2: wish I thought were going to be there, but they weren't.

428
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Speaker 2: Let that go, and do't worry about who didn't show up,

429
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Speaker 2: but be thankful and grateful for who was there. And

430
00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:06,920
Speaker 2: so that was something I kept saying to myself. I

431
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:09,320
Speaker 2: think about the pregnancy. Dom we've been through a lot

432
00:24:09,359 --> 00:24:13,760
Speaker 2: together already. Girl. I think about the pregnancy, same thing,

433
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:16,760
Speaker 2: people that I thought would be there who weren't. But

434
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:20,280
Speaker 2: then also realizing that I've had such a beautiful pregnancy

435
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:23,120
Speaker 2: because I kept it close to my chosen family. Only

436
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:26,600
Speaker 2: people that I felt safe and comfortable with knew about

437
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:30,320
Speaker 2: the pregnancy from the beginning, and that made for such

438
00:24:30,359 --> 00:24:32,760
Speaker 2: a beautiful experience. I didn't have to worry about trauma,

439
00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:38,320
Speaker 2: no nonsense, no unnecessary stress, and my chosen family really

440
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:41,720
Speaker 2: showed up for that. So when you think about your

441
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:45,640
Speaker 2: chosen family and people that have showed up for you

442
00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:47,760
Speaker 2: in addition to family, like, what does that look like

443
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:48,719
Speaker 2: for you in your life?

444
00:24:49,119 --> 00:24:52,560
Speaker 1: It has looked different at different stages in my life. Right,

445
00:24:53,359 --> 00:25:00,080
Speaker 1: So I think about in college where one of my

446
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:05,119
Speaker 1: my mom's friends worked at the university, and so like

447
00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:08,320
Speaker 1: I would go and just if I needed a moment,

448
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:11,240
Speaker 1: like I would just go in her office, and like

449
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:14,159
Speaker 1: PLoP down and be like all right when And I

450
00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:19,480
Speaker 1: distinctly remember because she worked in the IT department, and

451
00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:25,360
Speaker 1: I distinctly remember having what were they called back then,

452
00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:29,320
Speaker 1: Oh geez, was it a floppy disk? I don't know,

453
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:33,280
Speaker 1: you know, the little small drive little things, Yes, the

454
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:37,240
Speaker 1: floppy disk. Yes, So I know, right, I'm telling my age.

455
00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:41,199
Speaker 1: And so I remember. I remember that it got destroyed

456
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:43,840
Speaker 1: and I had a project that was on there, a

457
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:47,160
Speaker 1: research paper that I had been working on all semester,

458
00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:53,679
Speaker 1: and I remember going in her office and bawling my

459
00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:58,680
Speaker 1: eyes out. And so her office was just like that space,

460
00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:03,480
Speaker 1: right like I would get that maternal nurturing that I needed,

461
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:07,800
Speaker 1: and not that my mom couldn't do that, but in

462
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:12,800
Speaker 1: that realm, in that space, this woman met that need

463
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:21,600
Speaker 1: for me. And then I remember in graduate school, I

464
00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:24,560
Speaker 1: got a new mom, another mom, and she was like

465
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:26,439
Speaker 1: for real, for real there for me. I still talk

466
00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:28,760
Speaker 1: to her all the time, shout out, miss Jackiet and

467
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:31,000
Speaker 1: so like she was like a maternal figure. And so

468
00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:35,399
Speaker 1: like everywhere that I've been, like, I think California is

469
00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:39,280
Speaker 1: probably the first place that I don't have like a

470
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:44,040
Speaker 1: whether it's a coworker or someone at my you know,

471
00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:49,080
Speaker 1: like someone around who's like a maternal figure. But generally

472
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:52,320
Speaker 1: wherever I would go, like there would be someone there

473
00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:54,680
Speaker 1: who would be who would take the place of my mom,

474
00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:58,760
Speaker 1: who wasn't physically in the same city. And so like

475
00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:03,880
Speaker 1: I think about that, and I think about friends who

476
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:07,960
Speaker 1: are like family. Like my best friend is We've known

477
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:12,359
Speaker 1: each other since we were nine, and so she is

478
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:14,760
Speaker 1: one of the family, Like she knows stuff about my

479
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:19,199
Speaker 1: family that nobody else, you know, Like she literally was

480
00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:25,480
Speaker 1: there for various things within the family, and so she

481
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:30,040
Speaker 1: for real is like family because she was there, right,

482
00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:33,160
Speaker 1: And so like I think back to like as we

483
00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:37,359
Speaker 1: were growing up, how I would be at her house

484
00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:40,399
Speaker 1: or she would be at my house, and we just

485
00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:43,920
Speaker 1: became a part of one another's families. And so I think,

486
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:47,760
Speaker 1: you know, there are a multitude of ways in which

487
00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:53,199
Speaker 1: we can create family and create that chosen family. I

488
00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:55,959
Speaker 1: also think about, like as you were talking earlier, what

489
00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:59,719
Speaker 1: I also thought about was like that historical perspective of

490
00:28:01,359 --> 00:28:10,440
Speaker 1: how when we as a people were working on plantations,

491
00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:16,520
Speaker 1: and how plantation owners would split up families and you

492
00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:20,040
Speaker 1: would have children who were split up from their family

493
00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:24,720
Speaker 1: and they get to their new location and someone else

494
00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:28,880
Speaker 1: would take them in and that would become their family.

495
00:28:30,119 --> 00:28:34,480
Speaker 1: And sometimes even on the same plantation, you just had

496
00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:38,440
Speaker 1: folks that were looking out for one another and looking

497
00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:43,280
Speaker 1: out for each other's children, and so that became your

498
00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:47,200
Speaker 1: chosen family. Y'all weren't blood, but that's your family.

499
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,160
Speaker 2: That's such a great example.

500
00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:49,440
Speaker 1: Dom.

501
00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:52,680
Speaker 2: It reminds me of that idea that some of us

502
00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:55,320
Speaker 2: had a chance to grow up with, or that experience

503
00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:58,520
Speaker 2: of the village mentality where you were raised by the village.

504
00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:02,080
Speaker 2: And it makes me think about my grandparents and how

505
00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:04,560
Speaker 2: probably when my grandparents were younger, and even when my

506
00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:07,000
Speaker 2: mom was younger, where the neighbors would be looking out

507
00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:09,800
Speaker 2: for you, and sometimes you get in trouble, the neighbors

508
00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:11,720
Speaker 2: would you know, you get a whooping from the neighbors

509
00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:13,520
Speaker 2: and they get parents will whoop you if you do something.

510
00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:15,920
Speaker 2: But times have changed so much. I feel like we're

511
00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:19,120
Speaker 2: very much lacking community in that sense, you know. I

512
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:22,520
Speaker 2: think about the neighborhood that my grandmother lived in and

513
00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:25,520
Speaker 2: how at one point in time we knew everybody on

514
00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:28,640
Speaker 2: the block, and as time has gone on, I don't

515
00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:31,320
Speaker 2: know them people right like people moving and people move out,

516
00:29:31,760 --> 00:29:34,240
Speaker 2: But they've been there for what more than thirty years,

517
00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:36,680
Speaker 2: And back in the day, it's like we knew everybody,

518
00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:40,680
Speaker 2: you'd have your neighborhood meetings, and now people are just

519
00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:43,520
Speaker 2: we just live in such a different society. So community

520
00:29:43,560 --> 00:29:45,920
Speaker 2: is so important, and I think that with COVID nineteen

521
00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:50,040
Speaker 2: and the stay at home mandates, we've been aware or

522
00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:52,760
Speaker 2: reminded of that even more so, Like, yeah, I know

523
00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:54,680
Speaker 2: some of us be like, oh, I don't like people,

524
00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:57,920
Speaker 2: but boo, you know you've been missing that community. Okay,

525
00:29:57,920 --> 00:30:00,120
Speaker 2: whether it's you're one person or your two people, or

526
00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:02,280
Speaker 2: your a small group or you know, your bigger group,

527
00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:06,840
Speaker 2: we're human beings and community and touch and closeness is

528
00:30:06,880 --> 00:30:10,640
Speaker 2: so important. And so lady, we want to dive into

529
00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:14,240
Speaker 2: a few tips on how to cultivate community when you're

530
00:30:14,280 --> 00:30:18,479
Speaker 2: not close to your family, all right, So the first

531
00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:23,760
Speaker 2: tip here is to get clarity on why you aren't

532
00:30:23,920 --> 00:30:27,000
Speaker 2: close to them, right, like, just to understand. I think

533
00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:30,160
Speaker 2: it's really important to just know, you know, And sometimes

534
00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:32,200
Speaker 2: you can do this within yourself. You don't necessarily have

535
00:30:32,280 --> 00:30:34,520
Speaker 2: to have a conversation if that's not the best route

536
00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:38,040
Speaker 2: to go, but is it you? Sometimes it's us, right

537
00:30:38,120 --> 00:30:40,880
Speaker 2: sometimes we are the problem and it's like my family

538
00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:43,680
Speaker 2: they cool, but maybe I have attitude problem that I'm

539
00:30:43,680 --> 00:30:45,680
Speaker 2: working through. Okay, maybe I got some stuff going on

540
00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:48,400
Speaker 2: with me, And just be real with yourself so you know, right,

541
00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:51,080
Speaker 2: and we're not pointing the blame and you know, villainizing

542
00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:53,760
Speaker 2: the family because of some stuff we're not ready to

543
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:58,640
Speaker 2: acknowledge and see within ourselves. But also you can be

544
00:30:58,800 --> 00:31:02,120
Speaker 2: honest if it is them, right, do they always every

545
00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:04,400
Speaker 2: time you come around it's like, oh, it's just negativity

546
00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:07,320
Speaker 2: and drama, right, or whatever it might be, And think about,

547
00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:10,200
Speaker 2: you know, did something happen? Was there like an incident

548
00:31:10,320 --> 00:31:12,440
Speaker 2: right where you you know, I know there were certain

549
00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:16,680
Speaker 2: situations down in my family where someone was inappropriate with

550
00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:19,280
Speaker 2: me and I remember that from childhood, but it was

551
00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:21,880
Speaker 2: one of those things where like it just wasn't spoken about.

552
00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:24,000
Speaker 2: It happened so long ago, and so you still go

553
00:31:24,080 --> 00:31:26,760
Speaker 2: to family events and you see that person and it's

554
00:31:26,840 --> 00:31:29,840
Speaker 2: just like what do you say and do in that situation?

555
00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:30,040
Speaker 1: Right?

556
00:31:30,080 --> 00:31:31,719
Speaker 2: And some people you get to a point in your

557
00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:33,320
Speaker 2: in your growth where like I don't even want to

558
00:31:33,320 --> 00:31:35,200
Speaker 2: be around that. I don't know what to say, I

559
00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:36,600
Speaker 2: don't want to have the conversation I don't want to

560
00:31:36,640 --> 00:31:39,440
Speaker 2: be around that, right, So is that it which can

561
00:31:39,560 --> 00:31:42,440
Speaker 2: definitely bring up some emotions, So definitely consult with your

562
00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:45,080
Speaker 2: mental health provider if you're going to be diving into that.

563
00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:48,600
Speaker 2: And then is it simply that you just have nothing

564
00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:50,840
Speaker 2: in common with them, right? Are you just like, Yeah,

565
00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:53,240
Speaker 2: I don't have much in common with my family, right.

566
00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:56,480
Speaker 2: So that's one step that you can take to get

567
00:31:56,480 --> 00:31:59,600
Speaker 2: closer to cultivating your own community. It's getting real about

568
00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:02,720
Speaker 2: where you are right now, but the people that you're

569
00:32:02,760 --> 00:32:03,720
Speaker 2: blood related.

570
00:32:03,440 --> 00:32:05,920
Speaker 1: To, right, I mean And as you say that, like,

571
00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:10,200
Speaker 1: I think about too, Like I think about a lot

572
00:32:10,440 --> 00:32:17,520
Speaker 1: of LGBTQ folks and how oftentimes they may be pushed

573
00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:20,840
Speaker 1: out of their family, like intentionally pushed out of their family,

574
00:32:21,320 --> 00:32:24,800
Speaker 1: or they may make a choice because they don't feel safe,

575
00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:30,200
Speaker 1: so they make a choice to distance themselves from their family.

576
00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:34,480
Speaker 1: And so you know, I think about that like just real, yeah,

577
00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:39,000
Speaker 1: really being clear about why aren't you close with them?

578
00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:43,360
Speaker 1: Is it something that it's for your own safety that

579
00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:48,160
Speaker 1: you have to say we can't have this relationship because

580
00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:51,440
Speaker 1: I know in some families there may be things that

581
00:32:51,920 --> 00:32:54,640
Speaker 1: we do that we're afraid that we're going to be

582
00:32:54,760 --> 00:32:58,800
Speaker 1: judged on. So there's some shame, right, and so then

583
00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:04,200
Speaker 1: we stop going around because we are holding this shame

584
00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:06,200
Speaker 1: and we're afraid that we're going to be judged if

585
00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:10,840
Speaker 1: the family found out that we did this thing. Right. Example,

586
00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:15,640
Speaker 1: just you come from a very religious family and you

587
00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:18,920
Speaker 1: like to go out and drink and your family doesn't drink,

588
00:33:20,080 --> 00:33:24,600
Speaker 1: and you hold shame around being around your family because

589
00:33:24,760 --> 00:33:29,640
Speaker 1: you drink, or you hold shame around getting pregnant and

590
00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:34,760
Speaker 1: not being married. So just thinking about like what it is,

591
00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:40,520
Speaker 1: and then that leads us to the next tip, which

592
00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:44,800
Speaker 1: is think about why you want to be close to them.

593
00:33:46,400 --> 00:33:50,040
Speaker 1: Is it that you truly miss them and you're really

594
00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:56,200
Speaker 1: seeking connection or is it that you are missing connection

595
00:33:56,360 --> 00:34:02,520
Speaker 1: in general and it's a need that can be fulfilled

596
00:34:02,720 --> 00:34:08,960
Speaker 1: by other folks. So are you missing them for who

597
00:34:09,120 --> 00:34:15,000
Speaker 1: they uniquely are as people or are you missing just

598
00:34:15,080 --> 00:34:20,799
Speaker 1: connection period? So just being clear on why you want

599
00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:23,440
Speaker 1: to be close to them. Are you trying to maintain

600
00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:25,600
Speaker 1: an image that part?

601
00:34:26,080 --> 00:34:28,120
Speaker 2: Yes? Are you trying to maintain an image? I even

602
00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:31,279
Speaker 2: think out of obligations, just like, oh, well, I want

603
00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:32,960
Speaker 2: to be close to them, y'all because I got to

604
00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:36,120
Speaker 2: be they're my family. You don't really got to be

605
00:34:36,360 --> 00:34:38,120
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, Like you get to choose,

606
00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:39,960
Speaker 2: you are in choice. But don that makes me think

607
00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:43,560
Speaker 2: about you know, we've talked about this behind the scenes,

608
00:34:43,600 --> 00:34:47,400
Speaker 2: but I think about with me in this journey, craving

609
00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:51,400
Speaker 2: mother energy, but not necessarily my mother because of the

610
00:34:51,520 --> 00:34:55,520
Speaker 2: disconnect there. And like, sometimes it's the idea that you

611
00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:58,040
Speaker 2: want to be connected to, like the idea of mother,

612
00:34:58,680 --> 00:35:01,800
Speaker 2: the idea of mom. But if that person isn't showing

613
00:35:01,880 --> 00:35:06,040
Speaker 2: up with those ideals and those traits, then it's like

614
00:35:06,239 --> 00:35:08,440
Speaker 2: and that's probably not the healthiest, right. So that is

615
00:35:08,480 --> 00:35:10,920
Speaker 2: a really good point that you made. That takes us

616
00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:15,160
Speaker 2: to number three, which is think about your ideal family.

617
00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:17,359
Speaker 2: I think whenever we are in a space where we

618
00:35:17,400 --> 00:35:19,960
Speaker 2: are either lacking something or we're trying to manifest something,

619
00:35:20,440 --> 00:35:22,839
Speaker 2: you have to know what the ideal is, right, you

620
00:35:22,840 --> 00:35:25,239
Speaker 2: have to be open to the possibilities and so what

621
00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:28,480
Speaker 2: type of vibes and energy do you want in the family, right,

622
00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:31,040
Speaker 2: what does it look like? How does it feel? Because

623
00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:33,520
Speaker 2: the closer you get to that, then you have an

624
00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:35,520
Speaker 2: idea of what you're trying to attract, so that if

625
00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:37,920
Speaker 2: someone does come along and you're like, oh, maybe this

626
00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:41,480
Speaker 2: is one of my chosen family members. But they don't

627
00:35:41,480 --> 00:35:45,160
Speaker 2: bring about those feelings that you're trying to manifest and

628
00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:47,480
Speaker 2: the vibe, then maybe they're not a good fit. But

629
00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:49,200
Speaker 2: knowing what you want is so key.

630
00:35:49,680 --> 00:35:54,600
Speaker 1: Yes, definitely being clear on what it is that you

631
00:35:54,680 --> 00:35:59,239
Speaker 1: want as a person. And I think that what that

632
00:35:59,400 --> 00:36:02,799
Speaker 1: does is once you get that clarity, that can lead

633
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:12,400
Speaker 1: you to possibly hopefully this next tip of healing and forgiving,

634
00:36:13,239 --> 00:36:19,320
Speaker 1: so that you're not bringing resentment or toxic energy into

635
00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:24,080
Speaker 1: those new relationships. Right. So I think about this from

636
00:36:24,080 --> 00:36:29,279
Speaker 1: the perspective of when I'm trying to forgive someone, it's

637
00:36:29,360 --> 00:36:34,360
Speaker 1: not so much that I'm wanting them to know that

638
00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:37,920
Speaker 1: I forget that I forgave them. I'm doing it for

639
00:36:38,080 --> 00:36:42,879
Speaker 1: my own healing, right so that I can let it go.

640
00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:47,400
Speaker 1: Part of that forgiveness is me acknowledging that this is

641
00:36:47,440 --> 00:36:50,960
Speaker 1: who they are, right or this was them in that

642
00:36:51,040 --> 00:36:57,480
Speaker 1: moment in time, and I can acknowledge that they are

643
00:36:57,520 --> 00:37:01,720
Speaker 1: not the person that I need, and that is okay,

644
00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:06,640
Speaker 1: they don't have to be. And when I get to

645
00:37:06,880 --> 00:37:12,920
Speaker 1: that space right of working on myself and acknowledging that

646
00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:17,040
Speaker 1: this person and maybe even this group of people are

647
00:37:17,200 --> 00:37:21,720
Speaker 1: not who I need, and it doesn't make them bad people.

648
00:37:22,960 --> 00:37:26,520
Speaker 1: And even if they've done some file fucked up shit,

649
00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:31,480
Speaker 1: it doesn't make them bad people. And I don't have

650
00:37:31,719 --> 00:37:36,400
Speaker 1: to be in their life, and all of that is okay,

651
00:37:37,680 --> 00:37:40,480
Speaker 1: And it's helpful for me to get to that space

652
00:37:41,480 --> 00:37:49,120
Speaker 1: so that I'm not carrying that baggage into any new relationships,

653
00:37:49,239 --> 00:37:52,759
Speaker 1: right because then what happens is, let's say that I

654
00:37:52,840 --> 00:37:58,399
Speaker 1: don't have a good relationship with my mother and I'm

655
00:37:58,480 --> 00:38:02,440
Speaker 1: looking for a maternal fit. What I end up doing

656
00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:06,080
Speaker 1: if I haven't healed myself, what I end up doing

657
00:38:07,040 --> 00:38:11,520
Speaker 1: is taking all of the things that I need from

658
00:38:11,239 --> 00:38:16,040
Speaker 1: my birth mother, my blood mother, and expecting this other

659
00:38:16,080 --> 00:38:19,760
Speaker 1: person to perform those things, to give me those things

660
00:38:21,320 --> 00:38:26,200
Speaker 1: that they potentially can't. And so then I might end

661
00:38:26,280 --> 00:38:31,640
Speaker 1: up resenting this person who had no clue that they

662
00:38:31,719 --> 00:38:34,919
Speaker 1: were filling this role in my life.

663
00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:40,400
Speaker 2: Aim into that heavy on the illness and forgiveness, because

664
00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:42,680
Speaker 2: like you said, if we don't handle our stuff, we

665
00:38:42,840 --> 00:38:46,799
Speaker 2: end up oftentimes going and making the next person, the

666
00:38:46,840 --> 00:38:49,759
Speaker 2: person that's present, pay for what the absent person did,

667
00:38:49,880 --> 00:38:53,880
Speaker 2: and they're like, what I ain't do shit, what you're doing.

668
00:38:54,560 --> 00:38:56,640
Speaker 1: You know, I just showed up with a pot of

669
00:38:56,640 --> 00:38:58,560
Speaker 1: red beans because I figured you might be hungry.

670
00:38:58,840 --> 00:39:01,000
Speaker 2: Right, And now this traumatic experience you didn't have with

671
00:39:01,080 --> 00:39:04,520
Speaker 2: Yo Mama is now with red beans's now coming up

672
00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:06,440
Speaker 2: for you. And you're like, you know what I mean,

673
00:39:06,680 --> 00:39:10,000
Speaker 2: it happens, right, But lady, it's all about self awareness

674
00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:13,440
Speaker 2: and that takes us too. Number five, which is work

675
00:39:13,480 --> 00:39:17,160
Speaker 2: on communication skills. And this second part is kind of

676
00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:18,840
Speaker 2: for me because I feel like this is something I

677
00:39:18,960 --> 00:39:21,279
Speaker 2: used to do. Don't retreat and run off when it

678
00:39:21,280 --> 00:39:24,880
Speaker 2: gets bad, and set standards for your relationships. I have

679
00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:29,040
Speaker 2: people in my life today and because of how I've

680
00:39:29,320 --> 00:39:32,600
Speaker 2: worked on communication and the standards that I have. There

681
00:39:32,640 --> 00:39:35,040
Speaker 2: was a situation recently where something happened and it was

682
00:39:35,040 --> 00:39:38,520
Speaker 2: a very like off. Something happened with the communication between

683
00:39:38,560 --> 00:39:42,360
Speaker 2: me and someone and my chosen family, and I was

684
00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:44,520
Speaker 2: really bothered by it, and I was like, you know what,

685
00:39:44,960 --> 00:39:48,400
Speaker 2: My gut instinct was to be like, bucket, I'm done.

686
00:39:48,640 --> 00:39:50,440
Speaker 2: I'm gonna just you know, run along, and I was like,

687
00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:52,560
Speaker 2: you know what I'm working on. I don't want to

688
00:39:52,560 --> 00:39:54,120
Speaker 2: be passive agressive because I don't want people to be

689
00:39:54,120 --> 00:39:57,120
Speaker 2: passive aggressive with me. I want to be communicative because

690
00:39:57,120 --> 00:39:58,800
Speaker 2: I don't want I don't like I like closure. I

691
00:39:58,800 --> 00:40:00,480
Speaker 2: don't want people just running off for me and not

692
00:40:00,520 --> 00:40:02,120
Speaker 2: telling me what I did. So I was like, okay,

693
00:40:02,480 --> 00:40:04,919
Speaker 2: I had to meditate, get my mind right and share

694
00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:07,040
Speaker 2: with this person. You know, when you communicated with me

695
00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:10,360
Speaker 2: in this way, it made me feel XYZ is everything okay,

696
00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:13,279
Speaker 2: And so we were able to have an amazing exchange

697
00:40:13,440 --> 00:40:19,239
Speaker 2: in like heal from that versus name calling blowing it up,

698
00:40:19,520 --> 00:40:22,839
Speaker 2: which could have potentially happened with other people that are

699
00:40:22,880 --> 00:40:25,520
Speaker 2: in my family because they are not in a space

700
00:40:25,520 --> 00:40:29,840
Speaker 2: where they're evolving communication wise, right. So it's still possible

701
00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:33,400
Speaker 2: that you may have an issue or some type of

702
00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:36,680
Speaker 2: miscommunication with your Chosen family. But I think setting a

703
00:40:36,680 --> 00:40:40,160
Speaker 2: standard for how you communicate in general and even sharing

704
00:40:40,160 --> 00:40:41,520
Speaker 2: that with them, I think that's so key.

705
00:40:42,200 --> 00:40:46,880
Speaker 1: I mean, I love that. I think that is so beautiful,

706
00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:50,759
Speaker 1: and I think that that is something that is so

707
00:40:51,280 --> 00:40:55,839
Speaker 1: important about the Chosen family. The key word in that

708
00:40:55,960 --> 00:41:02,719
Speaker 1: is choose right that you are using these people to

709
00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:08,040
Speaker 1: be in your life. You are having a say in Okay,

710
00:41:09,280 --> 00:41:13,160
Speaker 1: I vibe well with this person, let me welcome this

711
00:41:13,239 --> 00:41:17,680
Speaker 1: person into my life, into my space, and so I

712
00:41:17,719 --> 00:41:20,840
Speaker 1: think that that leads us right into our last tip,

713
00:41:21,000 --> 00:41:26,959
Speaker 1: which is meditate and manifest your chosen family. The key

714
00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:29,480
Speaker 1: in that, though, is to recognize that it may not

715
00:41:29,680 --> 00:41:35,279
Speaker 1: look like how you want it, right, So I always

716
00:41:36,280 --> 00:41:42,000
Speaker 1: think about I don't remember exactly how the song goes,

717
00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:45,280
Speaker 1: but it's a gospel song and they basically are saying

718
00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:49,400
Speaker 1: that Jesus may not come when you want him, but

719
00:41:49,480 --> 00:41:50,880
Speaker 1: he'll be there right on time.

720
00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:52,640
Speaker 2: Can you sing it for us? Though?

721
00:41:53,080 --> 00:42:01,239
Speaker 1: Now you know, I know about y'all don't want but

722
00:42:01,280 --> 00:42:03,760
Speaker 1: y'all don't want me to sing. That's not a talent.

723
00:42:03,920 --> 00:42:09,759
Speaker 1: I was blessed with being girl, I understand. So, but

724
00:42:10,640 --> 00:42:14,799
Speaker 1: I think about that in terms of recognizing that when

725
00:42:14,840 --> 00:42:18,200
Speaker 1: we ask for things that we have to be open

726
00:42:18,280 --> 00:42:22,440
Speaker 1: to how it may present. Right. So, if I'm saying

727
00:42:23,480 --> 00:42:30,920
Speaker 1: I'm meditating, manifesting, praying for a chosen family, or saying

728
00:42:31,560 --> 00:42:36,879
Speaker 1: I have this particular familial need that I want met,

729
00:42:37,960 --> 00:42:43,960
Speaker 1: I have to be open to receiving it however it

730
00:42:44,000 --> 00:42:47,880
Speaker 1: may show up, because oftentimes this is how the universe works,

731
00:42:47,880 --> 00:42:53,000
Speaker 1: that it'll show up. What you're asking for will show up,

732
00:42:53,160 --> 00:42:56,120
Speaker 1: but not how you were expecting and it still turns

733
00:42:56,120 --> 00:42:59,480
Speaker 1: out to be beautiful. You just have to be open

734
00:42:59,520 --> 00:43:05,200
Speaker 1: to it. Yes, yes, yes, And so lady, let's run

735
00:43:05,239 --> 00:43:11,040
Speaker 1: through these really quickly on how to cultivate community when

736
00:43:11,040 --> 00:43:17,000
Speaker 1: you're not close to your family. Number one, get clarity.

737
00:43:18,680 --> 00:43:24,480
Speaker 1: Number two identify why you want to be close to them.

738
00:43:25,640 --> 00:43:35,960
Speaker 1: Number three identify your ideal family. Number four heal and forgive.

739
00:43:38,080 --> 00:43:43,760
Speaker 1: Number five work on them communication skills girl, and number

740
00:43:43,920 --> 00:43:49,600
Speaker 1: six meditate and manifest your chosen family.

741
00:43:50,800 --> 00:43:54,080
Speaker 2: All right, lady, well, do you already know that this

742
00:43:54,160 --> 00:43:55,960
Speaker 2: is not the end of the show. Dom and I

743
00:43:55,960 --> 00:44:00,080
Speaker 2: are about to go hop on Patreon to because the

744
00:44:00,160 --> 00:44:02,319
Speaker 2: after show, so come and join us. You can visit

745
00:44:02,360 --> 00:44:05,560
Speaker 2: our website Herspace podcast dot com, click on Patreon and

746
00:44:05,560 --> 00:44:08,600
Speaker 2: a top tab and come and hear what we thought

747
00:44:08,600 --> 00:44:11,279
Speaker 2: about this episode. And we might even share some other

748
00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:15,360
Speaker 2: juicy tips over there, so we'll see you soon. You Hey, lady,

749
00:44:15,400 --> 00:44:18,880
Speaker 2: it's Terry here from cultivating her Space. Are you tired

750
00:44:18,920 --> 00:44:21,719
Speaker 2: of working hard for your money? Do you want your

751
00:44:21,760 --> 00:44:25,040
Speaker 2: business to run smoothly when you're out of office? If

752
00:44:25,080 --> 00:44:27,680
Speaker 2: you want to learn how to automate your business cash

753
00:44:27,680 --> 00:44:32,040
Speaker 2: flow and increase your impact and influence. Join me from

754
00:44:32,080 --> 00:44:36,759
Speaker 2: our free workshop at brandwi Terry dot com. Again, that's

755
00:44:36,960 --> 00:44:41,200
Speaker 2: brand with Terry dot com. My name is spelled te

756
00:44:41,440 --> 00:44:43,880
Speaker 2: double ri. I hope to see you there, lady.

757
00:44:44,040 --> 00:44:50,000
Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us today. Please note that our show

758
00:44:50,040 --> 00:44:56,000
Speaker 1: may contain conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment, and

759
00:44:56,080 --> 00:44:59,200
Speaker 1: mental health. What is by no means meant to be

760
00:44:59,239 --> 00:45:03,560
Speaker 1: a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship with a trained

761
00:45:03,600 --> 00:45:07,640
Speaker 1: mental health provider. If you are someone you know is

762
00:45:07,680 --> 00:45:11,000
Speaker 1: in need of mental health care, please visit a Therapy

763
00:45:11,040 --> 00:45:16,960
Speaker 1: for Black Girls directory Psychology today or contact your insurance provider.

764
00:45:17,800 --> 00:45:19,520
Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

765
00:45:19,520 --> 00:45:24,200
Speaker 2: the conversation going, visit our website cultivatingherspace dot com and

766
00:45:24,239 --> 00:45:26,760
Speaker 2: be sure to click the Patreon tab to get access

767
00:45:26,760 --> 00:45:31,640
Speaker 2: to video content, bonuses, and our weekly after show. And

768
00:45:31,719 --> 00:45:36,080
Speaker 2: before we meet again, repeat after me, I'm aligned with

769
00:45:36,239 --> 00:45:37,600
Speaker 2: my inevitable outcome.

770
00:45:38,600 --> 00:45:41,240
Speaker 1: We'll see you next week, lady,