1 00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:04,240 Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. 2 00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:09,560 Speaker 2: When we erase ourselves, it may make us a community 3 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:14,760 Speaker 2: hro but it will make us unwell. And so we 4 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:18,040 Speaker 2: ask ourselves, do I want to be made whole? Do 5 00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:22,680 Speaker 2: I want to live well? And to know that? 6 00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:27,080 Speaker 3: We get to redefine what it means to be a 7 00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:30,720 Speaker 3: good woman, what it means to be a good Black woman. 8 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:36,159 Speaker 4: Hey, lady, have you ever felt like the world just 9 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:38,760 Speaker 4: doesn't get you? Well? 10 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:40,000 Speaker 5: We do. 11 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:44,800 Speaker 1: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting 12 00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:46,440 Speaker 1: and empowering women like you. 13 00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:53,560 Speaker 4: We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Brussard, and educator and psychologists. 14 00:00:52,479 --> 00:00:55,639 Speaker 1: And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker. 15 00:00:56,560 --> 00:01:01,000 Speaker 4: Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from 16 00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:05,800 Speaker 4: fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black 17 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:09,360 Speaker 4: women to just be. 18 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:11,440 Speaker 1: Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow 19 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:14,200 Speaker 1: button and leave us a quick five star review. Lady. 20 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:17,320 Speaker 1: We are black founded and black owned, and your support 21 00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:19,560 Speaker 1: will help us reach even more women like you. 22 00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:25,160 Speaker 4: Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. 23 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:30,640 Speaker 1: If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of your next steps, 24 00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:34,640 Speaker 1: This is for you. Hey, lady, is Tea here and 25 00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:36,600 Speaker 1: I just want to invite you to my free goal 26 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:39,440 Speaker 1: map like a pro coaching workshop, where I'll share the 27 00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:43,280 Speaker 1: five proven steps to get unstuck and achieve your goals. 28 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:48,200 Speaker 1: Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all your ideas, juggling scattered ideas, 29 00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:51,560 Speaker 1: or maybe you just need confidence to start, this workshop 30 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:54,680 Speaker 1: will give you the clarity, tools and the motivation to 31 00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:58,360 Speaker 1: take back control. Reserve your spot for free by visiting 32 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:02,280 Speaker 1: her space podcast dot com and clicking on the goal 33 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:05,200 Speaker 1: map like a pro webinar link. Lady, don't miss this 34 00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:07,240 Speaker 1: chance to goil a road map that fits your life 35 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:08,560 Speaker 1: and set you up for success. 36 00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:11,639 Speaker 5: I hope to see you there, lady. 37 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:15,440 Speaker 6: Today we have one of our absolute favorite guests of 38 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:18,280 Speaker 6: all time. This is her third time she has graced 39 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:21,200 Speaker 6: us with her powerful presip on the podcast and we 40 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:24,040 Speaker 6: are so honored to have her back. So we're going 41 00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:25,600 Speaker 6: to jump to the bio and then we're going to 42 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:30,520 Speaker 6: get into this heartfelt, thought provoking conversation. Doctor Tay O'Brien 43 00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:36,480 Speaker 6: is a psychologist, author, professor, sacred artist and minister who's 44 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:40,600 Speaker 6: leading the way and creating healthy relationships healing traumas and 45 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:45,600 Speaker 6: overcome stress and oppression. Doctor Tayman is the author of 46 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:49,520 Speaker 6: Matters of the Heart, which aim to empower leaders to 47 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:53,400 Speaker 6: connect with themselves and others, delving into topics such as 48 00:02:53,400 --> 00:03:01,200 Speaker 6: control issues, emotional unavailability, practical activation, activities, case and teaching 49 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:05,440 Speaker 6: us how to shift mindset and patterns around romance. Doctor 50 00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:09,160 Speaker 6: Taym O'Bryant completed her doctorate in clinical psychology at Duke 51 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:13,200 Speaker 6: University and her post doctrine at Harvard Medical tea Jersey 52 00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:17,760 Speaker 6: Victims of Violence Program. Upon graduating, she became the coordinator 53 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:21,960 Speaker 6: of the Princeton University Share Program, which provides intervention and 54 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:27,560 Speaker 6: prevention programming to combat sexual assault, sexual harassment, and harassment 55 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:31,760 Speaker 6: based on sexual orientation. Doctor Tama is currently a tenured 56 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:34,639 Speaker 6: professor of Psychology in the Graduate School of Education in 57 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:38,680 Speaker 6: Psychology at Pepperdine University, where she directs the Culture and 58 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:43,120 Speaker 6: Trauma Research Laboratory. Doctor Tayma is an ordained elder and 59 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:47,440 Speaker 6: the African Methodist Episcopal Church and leads the mental health 60 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:52,160 Speaker 6: ministry at First Ame Church in Los Angeles. Most recently, 61 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,880 Speaker 6: she was the twenty twenty three president of the American 62 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:59,600 Speaker 6: Psychological Association and is the host of the Homecoming podcast. 63 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:03,400 Speaker 6: Doctor Tamil, welcome back to Cultivating Her Day. 64 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,880 Speaker 2: I am so excited to be with you all. Thank 65 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:11,600 Speaker 2: you so much for having me. It is a joy 66 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:16,760 Speaker 2: each and every time. Oh, we are so looking forward 67 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:20,120 Speaker 2: to this conversation. We know that every time you are 68 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:24,719 Speaker 2: with us it feels like a bomb for our souls 69 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:27,760 Speaker 2: and our spirits, and so we are definitely looking forward 70 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:32,440 Speaker 2: to this conversation. So our quote of the day will 71 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:35,760 Speaker 2: sound very familiar to you, doctor Tamo, because it is 72 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:41,640 Speaker 2: one of the affirmations from your new book. All Right, 73 00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:48,000 Speaker 2: I am worthy of giving and receiving love. 74 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:52,599 Speaker 4: And I'm gonna say that one more time for the 75 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:55,480 Speaker 4: folks in the back, so that you can really close 76 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:59,520 Speaker 4: your eyes, put your hand over your heart, and really 77 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:07,039 Speaker 4: sit with that affirmation. I am worthy of giving and 78 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:16,039 Speaker 4: receiving love. Who doctor Tamil, you have so many wonderful 79 00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:20,760 Speaker 4: affirmations in this book. Tell us about this particular one 80 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:24,000 Speaker 4: and why this one was important to you. 81 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:27,640 Speaker 5: Yes, thank you so much for that. 82 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:32,320 Speaker 2: It is important for us to receive both aspects of 83 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:38,479 Speaker 2: that affirmation. I'm worthy of giving, meaning that I have 84 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:42,480 Speaker 2: something to give. I have something to offer I have 85 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:47,599 Speaker 2: something that will be a blessing to somebody else, and 86 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:56,480 Speaker 2: that I am worthy and deserving of mutual, reciprocal, real, 87 00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:03,960 Speaker 2: authentic by directional love. And so it is the healing 88 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:09,359 Speaker 2: that's necessary for us to receive, to give, and to receive. 89 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:12,000 Speaker 2: So we have to check ourselves to see which one 90 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:15,520 Speaker 2: is more difficult for me to believe that I have 91 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:20,960 Speaker 2: something to offer or that I am worthy of receiving. Yes, 92 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:26,440 Speaker 2: and for me, this book was so important, I just 93 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:30,480 Speaker 2: have to I hope it up. Let me get Oh, 94 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,000 Speaker 2: look you all are in it with me. 95 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:33,680 Speaker 5: Yes, that is it. 96 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:39,760 Speaker 2: The heart relationships are probably the biggest most common question 97 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:44,600 Speaker 2: that I get from people, whether they're talking about family, friendship, 98 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:52,440 Speaker 2: romantic relationships. And it greatly affects our mental health. So 99 00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:55,599 Speaker 2: it can be such a blessing if you're going through 100 00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:59,000 Speaker 2: storms and you have your people, you have your friends. 101 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:03,719 Speaker 6: That protection for you. It nourishes you, it strengthens you, 102 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:04,599 Speaker 6: it can heal you. 103 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:10,240 Speaker 2: And on the other side, when it's a toxic, unhealthy relationship, 104 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:15,040 Speaker 2: then it can create stress, drama, and a lot of pain. 105 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:19,200 Speaker 5: And so we are each deserving of. 106 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:25,920 Speaker 2: Being known and loved and appreciated, valued, and respected. So 107 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:29,200 Speaker 2: I wrote this book because of how important I know 108 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:33,480 Speaker 2: these hearts are and what a difference it can make 109 00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:37,760 Speaker 2: when we have good love in our lives in whatever form, 110 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:42,840 Speaker 2: in every form. It can literally change the trajectory of 111 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:43,560 Speaker 2: our lives. 112 00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:48,000 Speaker 6: Love that's so beautiful And I love how you also 113 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:51,000 Speaker 6: break down in the book, Doctor Tainer, what just like 114 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:54,280 Speaker 6: the science behind when someone has self love, like how 115 00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:56,200 Speaker 6: they show up in the world when they have community 116 00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:58,080 Speaker 6: and things of that nature. But one of the things 117 00:07:58,120 --> 00:07:59,720 Speaker 6: we want to do, doctor Tamber, can I take as 118 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,400 Speaker 6: a little bratch from the path. So you were on 119 00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:05,160 Speaker 6: episode You're on Pheasen three of our podcasts. We talked 120 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:08,679 Speaker 6: about feeling intergenerational trauma and men. You were on PHEBE 121 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:11,640 Speaker 6: eight or we talked about mommy issues, addressing the wound 122 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:14,320 Speaker 6: for your mother daughter relationship. So we are currently in 123 00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:17,120 Speaker 6: PHEBE twenty five and we'd love to know for those 124 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:18,680 Speaker 6: that don't know your ordin story, they can go. 125 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:20,240 Speaker 5: Back to some of the previous episodes. 126 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:22,960 Speaker 6: But as we think about who you are today sitting 127 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:26,080 Speaker 6: with us, doctor j mcbryant, when you think back on 128 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:28,240 Speaker 6: your journey, what was some of the pivotal moments that 129 00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:30,920 Speaker 6: contributed to who you are today sitting with us today. 130 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:33,080 Speaker 6: So whether it's happened between the time you were on 131 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:35,160 Speaker 6: the podcast before or just in your life in general, 132 00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:36,640 Speaker 6: what are some of those moments. 133 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:42,160 Speaker 2: Yeah, so thank you for that. I will appreciate in 134 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:46,960 Speaker 2: this moment, especially a mother's love. So last year my 135 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:52,280 Speaker 2: mom transitioned as a result of breast cancer, and so 136 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:58,480 Speaker 2: I hold face even more for mother daughter relationships and 137 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:02,360 Speaker 2: all of the dynamics that go with that. But also 138 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:06,360 Speaker 2: can say my mother was one of those people who 139 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:11,440 Speaker 2: loved fiercely, loved deeply, to the point where when one 140 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:16,640 Speaker 2: of my friends met my mother, her immediate response was, tama, 141 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:19,800 Speaker 2: I wonder who I would be if I had your mother, 142 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:24,360 Speaker 2: And that thing, like it really shook me because I 143 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:28,319 Speaker 2: recognized the truth of it. Like my mom's an affirmer 144 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:33,000 Speaker 2: and so like me running for president of APA or 145 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:37,319 Speaker 2: publishing these books, it comes from a foundation of having 146 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:40,160 Speaker 2: someone who believed and communicated to. 147 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:41,480 Speaker 5: Me their belief in me. 148 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:47,240 Speaker 2: And so I dedicated the book to her, and am 149 00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:53,559 Speaker 2: very intentional about wanting people to know that they are 150 00:09:53,679 --> 00:10:00,120 Speaker 2: cared for because it makes a difference. And then, and 151 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:03,280 Speaker 2: as I talk about, like the depth of her love. 152 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:06,280 Speaker 2: You know, that also is then combined with the loss 153 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:09,960 Speaker 2: and the grief, which is real. I say, I've been 154 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:13,880 Speaker 2: on the journey of grief and gratitude, right, like I'm 155 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:18,679 Speaker 2: so grateful for what I had slash have, but also 156 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:22,319 Speaker 2: very much missed the physical presence of like I can't 157 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:24,600 Speaker 2: come off this podcast and call her and say, guess 158 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:27,040 Speaker 2: what happened? You know, even though you know she's here, 159 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:31,800 Speaker 2: so she knows, but feeling for people who are both 160 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:35,040 Speaker 2: reading what was lost and then some people who are 161 00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:40,559 Speaker 2: reading what they never had, and so to say, in 162 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:48,360 Speaker 2: whatever this season, for us to hold ourselves tenderly and compassionately, 163 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,760 Speaker 2: because that was one of the messages she was always 164 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:55,079 Speaker 2: giving to me to slow down and take care of myself. 165 00:10:55,760 --> 00:11:00,680 Speaker 2: And so for us to mother ourselves, to love our elves, 166 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:05,079 Speaker 2: to nourish ourselves, to be the voice that's willing to say, Okay, 167 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:10,200 Speaker 2: that's enough, right, that you've done more than enough, You're good, 168 00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:13,880 Speaker 2: And for us to be that for other people, you know, 169 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:20,560 Speaker 2: to be that voice of affirmation and love is so important. 170 00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:24,320 Speaker 2: Also twenty twenty three, I was president of the American 171 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:30,120 Speaker 2: Psychological Association and the fourth black woman in their over 172 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:34,200 Speaker 2: one hundred year history to serve in that role, and 173 00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:36,760 Speaker 2: so I'm so grateful that I got to do it. 174 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:43,320 Speaker 2: And I'm also excited about having my time back to 175 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:48,520 Speaker 2: be able to be intentional with my nose and my 176 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:51,360 Speaker 2: yes is about my time and my energy. 177 00:11:52,840 --> 00:12:00,160 Speaker 4: Yeah, oh, thank you for that update. And we we 178 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:02,040 Speaker 4: are so sorry to hear about. 179 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:06,160 Speaker 5: The loss of your mom. Thank you, But we hold 180 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:07,839 Speaker 5: the words in our hearts what you. 181 00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:16,960 Speaker 4: Said about how she focused on affirming, right, and that 182 00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:23,880 Speaker 4: you're in a space of not only grief but gratitude. Yes, definitely, 183 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:29,640 Speaker 4: And when you think about the process of writing this book, 184 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:36,480 Speaker 4: tell us about what it was like to write this 185 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:43,840 Speaker 4: book in the midst of grieving the loss of your mom, 186 00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:49,959 Speaker 4: coming off of your APA presidency. And for folks who 187 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:55,400 Speaker 4: aren't aware, typically when you're president of a professional association, 188 00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,840 Speaker 4: your presidency is more than just that one year that 189 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:03,400 Speaker 4: you serve. Yeah, you have president elect, you have the 190 00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:07,239 Speaker 4: year that you're president, and then sometimes you have immediate 191 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:08,160 Speaker 4: past president. 192 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:11,400 Speaker 5: Right. It's true. 193 00:13:11,679 --> 00:13:15,400 Speaker 2: So it's powerful because when I was writing it, she 194 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:18,600 Speaker 2: was still alive. And so even when the dedication to 195 00:13:18,679 --> 00:13:22,160 Speaker 2: her is written like in the present tense, but one 196 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,920 Speaker 2: of the powerful things about it is it says, my 197 00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:30,480 Speaker 2: love for you transcend space and time. And so you know, 198 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,760 Speaker 2: when I wrote that, or when that came through me, 199 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:35,600 Speaker 2: I didn't know how much I would needed to transcend 200 00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:39,600 Speaker 2: space and time. But it's also interesting because I wrote 201 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:42,840 Speaker 2: it during the presidential year, when I'm hopping on planes, 202 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:48,600 Speaker 2: going to and fro making all these speeches, and in 203 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:52,040 Speaker 2: the midst of all of that, being on or doing 204 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:58,440 Speaker 2: it was even more important to me our relational selves. 205 00:13:59,040 --> 00:13:59,160 Speaker 4: Right. 206 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:02,520 Speaker 2: Sometimes we get so caught up in the success or 207 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:08,720 Speaker 2: attaining a status or a salary that we neglect our relationships. 208 00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:13,480 Speaker 2: And so I was very clear before because I had 209 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,960 Speaker 2: already turned in the proposal for the book, and especially 210 00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:21,320 Speaker 2: during what a difference it made in my life to 211 00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:26,480 Speaker 2: have good relationships, good people, where I could unfold, where 212 00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:28,960 Speaker 2: I could be honest, where I could be for real, 213 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:30,479 Speaker 2: and where people. 214 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:31,000 Speaker 5: Could be real. 215 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:35,480 Speaker 2: Back to me, right, because certain people are not gonna 216 00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:37,920 Speaker 2: when you get to a certain place, aren't gonna like 217 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,600 Speaker 2: speak truth to you because they're so busy wanting to 218 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:44,160 Speaker 2: receive your approval. But you've got to have those people 219 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:47,920 Speaker 2: in your ear and in your heart who will speak 220 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:53,000 Speaker 2: truth in love and in clarity, and that made all 221 00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:54,480 Speaker 2: the difference of the world in. 222 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:58,560 Speaker 5: The world to me. Oh, doctor Tabor, that is so powerful. 223 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:01,720 Speaker 7: It's powerful for you to say that as a leader 224 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,840 Speaker 7: who wants to have that feedback and also just reragnizing 225 00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:08,120 Speaker 7: that general that is amazing. So we are already fans 226 00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:10,120 Speaker 7: of the book. Dom and I have been discussing the book. 227 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:13,000 Speaker 7: We love it, and when we were talking about Matters 228 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,520 Speaker 7: of the Heart, a couple of things stood out. 229 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:18,120 Speaker 5: One just how intentional you were with the book. 230 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:20,640 Speaker 7: You can tell that you poured your heart into the book, 231 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,840 Speaker 7: and also how inclusive it is, Like we love the 232 00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:28,720 Speaker 7: activation exercises, the affirmations, but then also the gentle guide 233 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:31,000 Speaker 7: and the diverse case studies I'm thinking about, like the 234 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:35,800 Speaker 7: different races and cultures and identities, making it just accessible. 235 00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:36,920 Speaker 5: To everyone, which is really great. 236 00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:39,360 Speaker 7: And the book for us, it feels like a big 237 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,800 Speaker 7: hug and not a book that you just pick up 238 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:43,760 Speaker 7: and put down. But this is something you could revisit 239 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:45,960 Speaker 7: at different phases of life, which is really great. And 240 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,280 Speaker 7: so what we want to ask you, doctor Tam is 241 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:50,960 Speaker 7: what inspired you to structure the book this way, like 242 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:54,640 Speaker 7: blending those real stories with the practical tools for healing 243 00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:55,520 Speaker 7: the way that you did. 244 00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:58,640 Speaker 2: Thank you so much. That was so important to me, 245 00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:02,560 Speaker 2: including the story and homecoming. The stories for a lot 246 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:04,480 Speaker 2: of people were their favorite parts. 247 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:04,840 Speaker 5: Of the book. 248 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:09,640 Speaker 2: I think it is in storytelling we discover we're not alone. 249 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,480 Speaker 2: And if I just write it all in the abstract, 250 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:16,120 Speaker 2: then people could still feel very much the weight of 251 00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:21,400 Speaker 2: loneliness and shame. But when you hear that other people 252 00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:25,720 Speaker 2: have a similar struggle, then it helps us to humanize 253 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:31,040 Speaker 2: each other. And even having the names of people being 254 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:37,200 Speaker 2: culturally diverse names and a range of ages and relationship status. 255 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:40,720 Speaker 2: So it's like, if you're single, you're in here. You know, 256 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:44,400 Speaker 2: if you're married, you're in here. If you're dating or 257 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:47,800 Speaker 2: don't want to be bothered, you're in here. So for 258 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:52,960 Speaker 2: us to see ourselves reflected that phrases true representation matters. 259 00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:56,680 Speaker 2: It lets people know I'm not an afterthought or I 260 00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:59,840 Speaker 2: don't have to force my way into this healing, but 261 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:04,159 Speaker 2: that she had me in mind, right, I had you 262 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:08,760 Speaker 2: in mind as I was writing it. I am intentional 263 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:12,119 Speaker 2: about wanting you to be welcomed into this space. 264 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:17,640 Speaker 4: Okay, so we you know, we definitely all felt welcomed 265 00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:25,160 Speaker 4: and seen in this book when I look at how 266 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:29,080 Speaker 4: it's categorized, So you start with a section on your 267 00:17:29,119 --> 00:17:33,720 Speaker 4: relationship with yourself, and then you talk about foundations of 268 00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:41,119 Speaker 4: healthy relationships and then healing the relationship wounds. For someone 269 00:17:41,119 --> 00:17:44,240 Speaker 4: who's picking up this book, do they need to go 270 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:49,159 Speaker 4: in order in terms of working on their healing. 271 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:55,320 Speaker 5: So I do honor what I would call our sovereignty. 272 00:17:56,520 --> 00:18:00,520 Speaker 2: Some chapters are going to call to people based on 273 00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:03,879 Speaker 2: something they're currently facing. So for example, one of the 274 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:07,560 Speaker 2: chapters is how to release someone who doesn't love you. 275 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:11,560 Speaker 2: So if you're currently in that circumstance where you keep 276 00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:14,680 Speaker 2: calling them and reaching out and texting people who really 277 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:16,280 Speaker 2: are not feeling you, you. 278 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:19,080 Speaker 5: May feel like I got to get to that chapter. 279 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:24,199 Speaker 2: And so in that case, I say I honor that, 280 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:29,879 Speaker 2: and after you read the chapter that feels more urgent 281 00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:33,399 Speaker 2: to you, I encourage you to still go back and 282 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:38,600 Speaker 2: read the whole book to get everything that's available. So 283 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,960 Speaker 2: the recommended order is the order it's written in, and 284 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:45,960 Speaker 2: I also honor some things are pulling at people. There's 285 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:51,199 Speaker 2: another one on you know, healing relationships after infidelity. So 286 00:18:51,359 --> 00:18:55,240 Speaker 2: again if that's where people are, they may start there. 287 00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:58,520 Speaker 2: But we still need to do all of the other work. 288 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,200 Speaker 2: That's great, Thank you so much for that, doctor Tama. 289 00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:04,879 Speaker 7: And as I was reading through the book, there was 290 00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:07,000 Speaker 7: a character that really really stood out to me, and 291 00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:08,840 Speaker 7: I was like, Oh, I feel like I can relate 292 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:10,480 Speaker 7: to her. But I think a lot of black women cannaid, 293 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:14,000 Speaker 7: that's Charisma and charisma for y'all. Go get the book, y'all, 294 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:15,280 Speaker 7: but I'm just going to give you a little previews. 295 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:18,879 Speaker 7: So Charisma is the one who was taught to put 296 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,600 Speaker 7: others before ourselves, and I think there was something really 297 00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:26,080 Speaker 7: powerful in Charisma's sort of summary is that she was 298 00:19:26,119 --> 00:19:27,920 Speaker 7: kind of taught that she owes it to the black 299 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:30,440 Speaker 7: community to kind of be the matriarch and keep everything, 300 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:33,679 Speaker 7: keep everyone together, and also prioritize the healing of the 301 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:36,160 Speaker 7: black man, and sometimes it would be at her detriment. 302 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:38,720 Speaker 7: So she's giving so much and she feels depleted, and 303 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:40,280 Speaker 7: I was like, wow, that sounds like a lot of 304 00:19:40,359 --> 00:19:42,960 Speaker 7: us that were taught that growing up. So my question 305 00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:47,159 Speaker 7: for you is, when it comes to Charisma's situation in 306 00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:51,160 Speaker 7: her story, what is the importance of having that relationship 307 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:52,840 Speaker 7: with yourself, Because I think many of us have been 308 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:56,280 Speaker 7: taught to just give, give, give, and we often forget 309 00:19:56,359 --> 00:19:58,800 Speaker 7: to be in relationship with ourselves, not to just like 310 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,680 Speaker 7: go get your nails and go get your hair, number 311 00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:04,440 Speaker 7: like relationship. So why is that so important? 312 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:13,359 Speaker 2: Yes, when we it's beyond self neglect. When we have 313 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:23,280 Speaker 2: never really cultivated an understanding of ourselves, a compassion with ourselves, 314 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:30,360 Speaker 2: then we perpetually make decisions that dishonor us. We accept 315 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:34,760 Speaker 2: things that are unacceptable, and it actually causes us to 316 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:41,040 Speaker 2: dehumanize ourselves. So to dehumanize yourself is to pretend like 317 00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:43,600 Speaker 2: I'm good, I'm good, I'm blessed, I'm better than I 318 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:47,159 Speaker 2: don't need anything, and so that's not human, that's a 319 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:51,320 Speaker 2: robot or that's a slave. And so we want to 320 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:56,640 Speaker 2: deslave ourselves. We want to de robot ourselves. We want 321 00:20:56,680 --> 00:21:03,320 Speaker 2: to rehumanize ourselves, even recognizing that some of the women 322 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:07,280 Speaker 2: who raised us didn't get the space to do that. 323 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:11,720 Speaker 2: So there's some wisdom we want to take from their lives, 324 00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:14,760 Speaker 2: and there's some things we want to do differently and 325 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:20,400 Speaker 2: that we hope and pray and wish that they could 326 00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:25,040 Speaker 2: have been able to do differently. When we erase ourselves, 327 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:30,520 Speaker 2: it may make us a community ro but it will 328 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:34,320 Speaker 2: make us unwell, And so we ask ourselves, do I 329 00:21:34,359 --> 00:21:37,400 Speaker 2: want to be made whole? Do I want to live 330 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:41,320 Speaker 2: well and to know that. 331 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:45,520 Speaker 3: We get to redefine what it means to be a 332 00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:49,119 Speaker 3: good woman, what it means to be a good Black woman. 333 00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:58,720 Speaker 4: Yeah, oh yes, we give to define what it means 334 00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:07,600 Speaker 4: to be a good black woman. Now, I would imagine 335 00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:10,200 Speaker 4: that there are some listeners, because we have listeners of 336 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:14,120 Speaker 4: a huge age range, I would imagine that there are 337 00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:17,840 Speaker 4: some listeners that I would say, Y're thirty five and 338 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:25,200 Speaker 4: over crowd who were saying, but I'm grown at this 339 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:32,080 Speaker 4: big age. I should know better, I should be doing better. 340 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,840 Speaker 4: Where do I start with making the changes? 341 00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:44,320 Speaker 2: But first I say to the listener of whatever age, 342 00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:49,600 Speaker 2: you are right on time. You are hearing this message 343 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:54,160 Speaker 2: at the divine time that you were ready to receive it, 344 00:22:55,560 --> 00:23:00,280 Speaker 2: and I invite you to actually receive it and to 345 00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:04,040 Speaker 2: know just because this is how I have always done 346 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:05,560 Speaker 2: it doesn't. 347 00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:07,480 Speaker 5: Mean it's the way I have to continue to do it. 348 00:23:08,359 --> 00:23:10,840 Speaker 2: So we honor the way you did it because it 349 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:15,720 Speaker 2: allowed you to survive. Right, we don't have to judge ourselves, harshly, 350 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:20,919 Speaker 2: condemn ourselves, reject ourselves that your way of being, maybe 351 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:24,080 Speaker 2: being super busy or maybe taking care of everybody else, 352 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:28,840 Speaker 2: all those things allowed you to survive. But it is 353 00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:33,560 Speaker 2: my hope, and I believe in your inner inner self 354 00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:37,320 Speaker 2: there is also the hope you carry to do more 355 00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:41,960 Speaker 2: than survive, but to flourish and to thrive and to 356 00:23:42,119 --> 00:23:47,439 Speaker 2: actually live right, to actually live yourself, not just being 357 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:51,120 Speaker 2: the wind beneath other people's wings. And you're deserving of that. 358 00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:55,159 Speaker 2: And so it's not too late to try it a 359 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:58,960 Speaker 2: new way. And at first it may feel fake to you, 360 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:03,520 Speaker 2: it may feel born, it may feel awkward. That's the 361 00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:08,680 Speaker 2: growing pains of healing. So outlast the discomfort of it 362 00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:11,080 Speaker 2: until it becomes your new normal. 363 00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:16,919 Speaker 6: I didn't know that you that you preached on Sunday 364 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,440 Speaker 6: that on Monday nights as well, doctor tab because you 365 00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:22,240 Speaker 6: you dropped from the gyms with in the world over here. 366 00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:27,760 Speaker 6: Whoo okay, good, thank you. Okay, So, doctor Tamer one 367 00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:30,800 Speaker 6: of the there was one part in the book that, well, 368 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:32,720 Speaker 6: it's all really great, but this part really stood out 369 00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:35,760 Speaker 6: to me. So I'm a mama of toddler, recently divorced, 370 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,320 Speaker 6: and I've been rebuilding my life like community is like 371 00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:40,040 Speaker 6: essential to me right now, and I think that for 372 00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:41,440 Speaker 6: all of us, because of the state of the world 373 00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:44,040 Speaker 6: that we're in, it's going to be very important moving forward. 374 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:46,720 Speaker 7: And so you offer practical tips on how to find 375 00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:49,200 Speaker 7: your people. And one of the things you mentioned is 376 00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:50,800 Speaker 7: that how some of us fall into that trap of 377 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:54,399 Speaker 7: doing the same thing expecting different results. So without giving 378 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:56,119 Speaker 7: too much away, because of course you want people to 379 00:24:56,119 --> 00:24:58,879 Speaker 7: go get their copy. Okay, I've mattered of the heart, 380 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,119 Speaker 7: matters of the heart, Can you talk to us about 381 00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:06,080 Speaker 7: what mindset shifts are essential for people who are struggling 382 00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:07,920 Speaker 7: to build meaningful connections. 383 00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:13,640 Speaker 2: Yes. First, I want to appreciate you for your transparency, 384 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:19,359 Speaker 2: for your honesty, and I want to say to you, 385 00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:24,840 Speaker 2: welcome to your new beginning. You're deserving of a do over, 386 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:32,800 Speaker 2: and I'm so glad you did not remain in what 387 00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:40,800 Speaker 2: was no longer for your good and it's a blessing. 388 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:44,800 Speaker 2: Sometimes we hold on thinking we're doing our children a favor, 389 00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:49,520 Speaker 2: and it is for our children's well being for us 390 00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:55,159 Speaker 2: to be well. And so I hope and pray blessings 391 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:58,320 Speaker 2: for you and your ex for you on the other 392 00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:01,560 Speaker 2: side of it, for you to both better, you know, 393 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:05,320 Speaker 2: to be happier, to be more at peace, and then 394 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:09,320 Speaker 2: you know you both will be able to create that 395 00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:13,480 Speaker 2: and model that right that sometimes it's not the picture 396 00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:18,560 Speaker 2: we imagined, and sometimes we're so loyal to a picture 397 00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:20,360 Speaker 2: that we're disloyal to ourselves. 398 00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:25,879 Speaker 5: And so I'm grateful for your testimony. 399 00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:30,800 Speaker 2: And then in terms of how we over or how 400 00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:36,919 Speaker 2: we move forward, I think in part it is to 401 00:26:37,119 --> 00:26:45,600 Speaker 2: have enough self awareness to see our hearts. 402 00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:47,160 Speaker 5: In the story. Right. 403 00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:51,360 Speaker 2: If I can only see the other person, then it's 404 00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:57,680 Speaker 2: I'm kind of powerless to do anything different. But if 405 00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:03,320 Speaker 2: I can with compassioncy, the ways in which you know 406 00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:09,640 Speaker 2: my prior thinking or patterns set up some things. When 407 00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:14,040 Speaker 2: in an empowered way, I can make some different decisions 408 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:19,320 Speaker 2: that I also won't be able to embrace the fact 409 00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:23,359 Speaker 2: that each story can be a new story. Instead of 410 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:27,879 Speaker 2: overgeneralizing or feeling stuff of like, oh, I'm just gonna 411 00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:32,280 Speaker 2: get the same thing again, It's like no, this can 412 00:27:32,359 --> 00:27:36,879 Speaker 2: actually be drastically different, and I can choose different I 413 00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:40,680 Speaker 2: can operate in it differently. I can handle conflict differently. 414 00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:44,439 Speaker 2: I can think about myself differently. I can use my 415 00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:50,000 Speaker 2: voice differently. Like all of those things are our game changers, 416 00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:53,840 Speaker 2: and so you know, we take time to heal and 417 00:27:53,880 --> 00:28:00,960 Speaker 2: be still and to give yourself permission to give and 418 00:28:01,119 --> 00:28:02,960 Speaker 2: receive a healthier love. 419 00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:11,040 Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean I said at the beginning, but I 420 00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:15,159 Speaker 4: really meant it that this is this conversation doctors him 421 00:28:15,240 --> 00:28:18,560 Speaker 4: and you are always such a bomb for our spirits, Like, 422 00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:22,600 Speaker 4: oh my gosh, oh thank you. 423 00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:27,520 Speaker 5: We're welcome. And so you know, one of the things that. 424 00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:31,679 Speaker 4: You you the chapter that you focus on is the 425 00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:37,919 Speaker 4: keys to a healthy relationship. What I appreciate is that 426 00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:43,480 Speaker 4: you point out like building healthy friendships and romantic relationships, 427 00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:49,520 Speaker 4: but that's separate from what you determine are the keys 428 00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:55,200 Speaker 4: to a healthy relationship. What do you say to people 429 00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:59,680 Speaker 4: who who read this chapter look at all the keys 430 00:28:59,840 --> 00:29:07,760 Speaker 4: and recognize that they have some of these things but 431 00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:13,160 Speaker 4: not all of them, right, Like is it necessary? Is 432 00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:16,640 Speaker 4: your relationship not healthy if you don't have all of 433 00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:17,440 Speaker 4: these things? 434 00:29:18,480 --> 00:29:20,440 Speaker 5: Yeah? Thank you for that. 435 00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:25,000 Speaker 2: That's so important and for me, it allows us to 436 00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:28,920 Speaker 2: remain humble. Right, we're like I got it, I got it, 437 00:29:29,040 --> 00:29:37,320 Speaker 2: I love it. That's not good ground for growing love, right, 438 00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:40,360 Speaker 2: but instead for me to feel I gues I am worthy, 439 00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:44,360 Speaker 2: I'm deserving. There are beautiful things I bring to the table, 440 00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:49,200 Speaker 2: and you know the way my life experience has been, 441 00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:52,320 Speaker 2: some of these things are harder for me. You know, 442 00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:54,520 Speaker 2: some things are going to stretch me outside of my 443 00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:58,479 Speaker 2: comfort zone. But I'm willing to work on it because 444 00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:01,120 Speaker 2: I think it's important, because I want to be healthy 445 00:30:01,160 --> 00:30:04,880 Speaker 2: and well. So I think when people read it, if 446 00:30:05,080 --> 00:30:08,040 Speaker 2: you know the ones that are harder for them, it's 447 00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:11,800 Speaker 2: not too for you to conclude it I'm disqualified from love. 448 00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:16,240 Speaker 2: It means that, oh good, Now I know some things 449 00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:18,320 Speaker 2: that I can work toward, and also I have some 450 00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:22,280 Speaker 2: insight about what may have caused difficulty for me in 451 00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:25,440 Speaker 2: the past. Now the important thing for us to remember 452 00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:28,960 Speaker 2: my shortcomings don't have to be permanent. 453 00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:30,080 Speaker 8: Right. 454 00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:31,120 Speaker 5: Sometimes we make. 455 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:35,680 Speaker 2: The mistake of thinking our wounds are our personality. So 456 00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:38,760 Speaker 2: then we think, right, you think I can't do anything 457 00:30:38,800 --> 00:30:41,160 Speaker 2: about it, like, oh, wow, that's just how I am. 458 00:30:41,480 --> 00:30:44,120 Speaker 2: It's like, no, that's how you've been because you've been hurt. 459 00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:47,120 Speaker 2: You don't have to continue to be like that. Will 460 00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:49,200 Speaker 2: it be difficult to shift? 461 00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:50,600 Speaker 5: Yes? Is it possible? 462 00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:51,000 Speaker 1: Yes? 463 00:30:54,200 --> 00:30:59,200 Speaker 7: Amen to that? Wow, that is so powerful. Y'all going 464 00:30:59,320 --> 00:31:01,440 Speaker 7: have to listen to this. Fisold a couple of times. Okay, 465 00:31:01,480 --> 00:31:04,440 Speaker 7: to get all the gyms here. So, doctor Taber, going 466 00:31:04,480 --> 00:31:07,720 Speaker 7: back to matters of the Heart, What chapter or concept 467 00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:12,239 Speaker 7: in the book was particularly challenging or healing for you 468 00:31:12,320 --> 00:31:14,320 Speaker 7: to write as you were going through the process. 469 00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:18,760 Speaker 5: Yeah, so too. Two things. 470 00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:22,959 Speaker 2: One, releasing the self abandonment or self neglect was very 471 00:31:23,040 --> 00:31:27,000 Speaker 2: important for me, And I think anyone who's in a 472 00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:31,479 Speaker 2: healthing profession, or who's a parent, who's a person of faith, 473 00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:34,560 Speaker 2: who has been given all of these messages of like 474 00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:37,160 Speaker 2: forget about yourself right and. 475 00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:38,880 Speaker 5: Make everyone else your priority. 476 00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:43,400 Speaker 2: Like those are values that are drilled into us, but 477 00:31:43,520 --> 00:31:48,280 Speaker 2: when they're over applied, they're actually unhealthy, right, And so 478 00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:52,080 Speaker 2: it was important for me to learn. I call it 479 00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:56,560 Speaker 2: the holiness of no right that's sacred. To have boundaries 480 00:31:56,560 --> 00:31:59,760 Speaker 2: as sacred doesn't make you a bad person, or you're 481 00:31:59,800 --> 00:32:01,680 Speaker 2: not a real person of faith, or you're not a 482 00:32:01,680 --> 00:32:02,600 Speaker 2: good woman. 483 00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:05,920 Speaker 5: Because you have nos. No you should you should. 484 00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:11,920 Speaker 2: We have to instead of getting automatic guesses, give ourselves 485 00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:15,040 Speaker 2: time for sacred pause that we're going to reflect on 486 00:32:15,400 --> 00:32:18,800 Speaker 2: what is actually being asked of me. Do I actually 487 00:32:18,840 --> 00:32:22,040 Speaker 2: want to do that? Do I have the energy, the time, 488 00:32:22,560 --> 00:32:26,360 Speaker 2: the capacity to do that, and if I do that, 489 00:32:26,720 --> 00:32:28,719 Speaker 2: will it block me from doing some things that I 490 00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:34,480 Speaker 2: actually want to do. Right, So it's been an important 491 00:32:34,600 --> 00:32:38,800 Speaker 2: ongoing life lesson for me, and I want other people 492 00:32:38,840 --> 00:32:42,440 Speaker 2: to have that, to give themselves that permission to know, 493 00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:48,280 Speaker 2: like some things we're treating as shoulds are not mandatory, right, 494 00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:51,760 Speaker 2: We're acting like some things are obligations and you actually 495 00:32:51,840 --> 00:32:53,400 Speaker 2: can say no and it's okay. 496 00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:54,760 Speaker 5: The world will not explode. 497 00:32:55,400 --> 00:32:57,840 Speaker 2: And the other thing, you know, for me was learning 498 00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:01,760 Speaker 2: there are other people who can do that, right, So 499 00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:03,840 Speaker 2: sometimes we have it fixed in our mind if I 500 00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:06,959 Speaker 2: say no, the whole things will fall apart. One, some 501 00:33:07,040 --> 00:33:09,520 Speaker 2: other people can do it. Two If no one else 502 00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:11,720 Speaker 2: can do it, some things need to fall to the ground. 503 00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:17,480 Speaker 2: It's okay, they just won't get done, all right, and right, 504 00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:22,040 Speaker 2: moving on, So that was an important one for me. 505 00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:31,480 Speaker 2: And then the chapters on harshness and control because I 506 00:33:31,520 --> 00:33:36,000 Speaker 2: say this with grace and compassion, you know. For my mom, 507 00:33:36,160 --> 00:33:40,240 Speaker 2: I said, she loved deeply but was a very intense woman, 508 00:33:41,120 --> 00:33:44,760 Speaker 2: and that was coming out of her lived experience. The 509 00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:47,720 Speaker 2: second eldest of ten growing up in the projects of 510 00:33:47,760 --> 00:33:51,960 Speaker 2: New York, who physically and spiritually had to fight her 511 00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:59,200 Speaker 2: way through and so being able to and like, in 512 00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:03,800 Speaker 2: the outward way, like my way of being is very different, 513 00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:08,240 Speaker 2: but in the inner knowing it comes from the same 514 00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:11,799 Speaker 2: well of just like loving deeply, it's just how your 515 00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:16,360 Speaker 2: love shows up. And so being able to see my 516 00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:20,040 Speaker 2: mom and see other people I think with more clarity 517 00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:26,320 Speaker 2: and compassion was very liberating for me and allows me 518 00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:30,879 Speaker 2: to respond to that way of being with a lot 519 00:34:30,920 --> 00:34:34,799 Speaker 2: more compassion than some people do, because many people are 520 00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:39,200 Speaker 2: responding to the behavior and they don't like the behavior understandably. 521 00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:42,600 Speaker 2: But I always like to say, it's not just like 522 00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:45,960 Speaker 2: what people are doing, but the why. And so once 523 00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:50,200 Speaker 2: I understand the why, it doesn't mean like everything is 524 00:34:50,280 --> 00:34:56,200 Speaker 2: all okay, but it clarifies it and it allows us 525 00:34:56,239 --> 00:35:00,200 Speaker 2: to relate to each other in a better way, and 526 00:35:00,239 --> 00:35:03,080 Speaker 2: to know that many people who are engaging in those 527 00:35:03,080 --> 00:35:07,399 Speaker 2: behaviors aren't actually enjoying it. They just feel like it's 528 00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:10,520 Speaker 2: the only way to be to try to have some 529 00:35:10,880 --> 00:35:15,520 Speaker 2: like structure or safety or something. And so you know, 530 00:35:15,600 --> 00:35:19,960 Speaker 2: to speak to the heart of that tenderness so that 531 00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:22,799 Speaker 2: people don't have to be in warrior mode all the 532 00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:28,759 Speaker 2: time and can learn gentleness and to redefine it so 533 00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:30,800 Speaker 2: that gentleness is not weak. 534 00:35:32,800 --> 00:35:39,040 Speaker 4: Ooh okay, yes, I love this and the understanding the 535 00:35:39,120 --> 00:35:45,360 Speaker 4: why and looking at the person and not the behavior 536 00:35:48,800 --> 00:35:55,560 Speaker 4: that's so hard to do sometimes though, Yes, yes, what 537 00:35:55,800 --> 00:35:57,560 Speaker 4: practices would you. 538 00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:00,000 Speaker 5: Encourage? 539 00:36:01,440 --> 00:36:04,640 Speaker 4: Because I think about people who might be struggling in 540 00:36:04,680 --> 00:36:10,360 Speaker 4: a relationship that they have with someone, and they're struggling 541 00:36:10,440 --> 00:36:15,840 Speaker 4: to look past the behavior and to truly try and 542 00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:21,600 Speaker 4: understand the why. What questions can they ask themselves or 543 00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:25,399 Speaker 4: practices they can engage in that could help them get 544 00:36:25,440 --> 00:36:30,400 Speaker 4: to that space of understanding the why and looking past 545 00:36:30,400 --> 00:36:31,040 Speaker 4: the behavior. 546 00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:31,840 Speaker 5: Right. 547 00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:36,239 Speaker 2: So first I would say, don't lose sight of yourself, 548 00:36:37,040 --> 00:36:41,839 Speaker 2: because some people err in the other direction where they're 549 00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:45,560 Speaker 2: so busy trying to make it make sense that they 550 00:36:45,600 --> 00:36:48,680 Speaker 2: lose sight of the impact it has on them, right, 551 00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:50,680 Speaker 2: And then they say like, oh, it doesn't matter that 552 00:36:50,760 --> 00:36:54,120 Speaker 2: it hurt me because because like they're caught up in 553 00:36:54,160 --> 00:36:55,040 Speaker 2: the story of it. 554 00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:55,759 Speaker 5: Right. 555 00:36:55,960 --> 00:36:58,480 Speaker 2: So I'll say, Wow, your whole whole tenderness for you 556 00:36:58,800 --> 00:37:02,200 Speaker 2: and hold the truth of what this dynamic has meant 557 00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:05,759 Speaker 2: for you, right, and as you hold that as it 558 00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:10,719 Speaker 2: relates to the other person, to have a curiosity, right, 559 00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:14,480 Speaker 2: instead of an assumption of they're doing this because they 560 00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:18,319 Speaker 2: hate me, or they're doing it. So I become curious 561 00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:23,320 Speaker 2: as to, like, why would someone operate in this way? 562 00:37:23,880 --> 00:37:29,400 Speaker 2: And if I can actually get to know the person 563 00:37:29,480 --> 00:37:33,400 Speaker 2: they were before I was on the scene. Right, Like 564 00:37:34,320 --> 00:37:37,319 Speaker 2: my mother didn't start her identity when she gave birth 565 00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:41,440 Speaker 2: to me, right, She's a whole woman. So when we 566 00:37:41,600 --> 00:37:45,239 Speaker 2: center ourselves, then we make ourselves the center of all 567 00:37:45,280 --> 00:37:47,240 Speaker 2: the stories as to the why. 568 00:37:47,920 --> 00:37:50,440 Speaker 5: And it's like this story predated me. 569 00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:54,120 Speaker 2: This story is like actually very separate for me, but 570 00:37:54,360 --> 00:37:57,839 Speaker 2: I encountered this person who already had a story, and 571 00:37:57,920 --> 00:38:03,440 Speaker 2: so I have the curious and grace to wonder about 572 00:38:03,600 --> 00:38:06,560 Speaker 2: their very human journey. 573 00:38:06,719 --> 00:38:14,200 Speaker 6: Outside of me, leaning into curiosity that I love that 574 00:38:14,320 --> 00:38:18,720 Speaker 6: so much and actortainber This next question is unapologetically selfish. Okay, 575 00:38:19,280 --> 00:38:23,600 Speaker 6: So as of recovering people, pleaser, I have been really 576 00:38:23,640 --> 00:38:29,480 Speaker 6: exploring what it's like to let my yes be a yes, 577 00:38:29,680 --> 00:38:32,480 Speaker 6: but if it's not a full body yes, and it's 578 00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:35,120 Speaker 6: hesitation I pause versus just saying yes to things I 579 00:38:35,120 --> 00:38:37,400 Speaker 6: don't want to do, And so what I start to 580 00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:38,960 Speaker 6: talk about this in an interview, but I'd love to 581 00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:42,160 Speaker 6: cover here what advice or best practices would you offer 582 00:38:42,440 --> 00:38:45,160 Speaker 6: for situations where people might want to hang out with 583 00:38:45,200 --> 00:38:47,240 Speaker 6: you or spend time with you, and they're. 584 00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:49,439 Speaker 5: Not bad people, but you're just your body and energy. 585 00:38:49,480 --> 00:38:50,920 Speaker 5: It's just like, I'm not really interested. 586 00:38:51,320 --> 00:38:54,640 Speaker 7: What would you recommend on how to approach when it 587 00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:57,160 Speaker 7: comes to approaching those conversations or like letting the person 588 00:38:57,200 --> 00:38:59,400 Speaker 7: know that you're not interested in like a tactful way 589 00:38:59,680 --> 00:39:00,440 Speaker 7: that they sense. 590 00:39:00,800 --> 00:39:01,720 Speaker 5: Yeah. 591 00:39:01,960 --> 00:39:08,839 Speaker 2: So I want to offer the truth, which is when 592 00:39:08,880 --> 00:39:14,719 Speaker 2: we try to avoid hurting people's feelings, we actually prolong 593 00:39:15,040 --> 00:39:21,719 Speaker 2: and deepen the harm because we don't want to say anything, 594 00:39:23,160 --> 00:39:27,920 Speaker 2: and so we lead people to for a longer time, 595 00:39:28,600 --> 00:39:32,520 Speaker 2: believe we have a connection we don't have, and they're 596 00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:36,400 Speaker 2: believing that it's real, that it's deep, and so it 597 00:39:37,160 --> 00:39:39,960 Speaker 2: like it's unsustainable unless you're gonna fake it your whole life. 598 00:39:40,400 --> 00:39:46,560 Speaker 2: Eventually it's going to come out that is not really reciprocal, 599 00:39:47,400 --> 00:39:52,200 Speaker 2: and now it's even more hurtful. Right, So, a sooner 600 00:39:52,360 --> 00:39:57,240 Speaker 2: truth is better than a delayed truth because that means 601 00:39:57,280 --> 00:40:02,720 Speaker 2: that that other season was a lie or a half truth. 602 00:40:04,280 --> 00:40:06,120 Speaker 5: The other thing which. 603 00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:10,320 Speaker 2: I like to keep in mind is there are whether 604 00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:15,319 Speaker 2: friendship or romantic there are people for people, and so 605 00:40:16,280 --> 00:40:18,480 Speaker 2: let me not hold people up. 606 00:40:18,320 --> 00:40:21,200 Speaker 5: From meeting their people. Are there people who are going 607 00:40:21,280 --> 00:40:22,120 Speaker 5: to enjoy them. 608 00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:25,480 Speaker 2: I don't enjoy talking about whatever it is they talking about. 609 00:40:27,719 --> 00:40:30,960 Speaker 2: So let them go find their people and they can 610 00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:33,239 Speaker 2: talk about that all day and they gonna have a 611 00:40:33,280 --> 00:40:36,040 Speaker 2: great time. And I can go find people who want 612 00:40:36,080 --> 00:40:38,080 Speaker 2: to talk about what I want to talk about and. 613 00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:39,200 Speaker 5: We can have a great time. 614 00:40:39,719 --> 00:40:42,400 Speaker 2: As opposed to this idea of like I am the 615 00:40:42,440 --> 00:40:46,319 Speaker 2: one soul that will understand them and love them. So 616 00:40:46,400 --> 00:40:50,480 Speaker 2: I got to sit through this dry conversation because it's 617 00:40:50,560 --> 00:40:54,560 Speaker 2: my duty as no, let them go find their people. 618 00:40:54,760 --> 00:41:01,360 Speaker 2: Bless You can bless people by releasing them. 619 00:41:01,440 --> 00:41:06,719 Speaker 5: Yeah, yes, bless people by releasing them. I love that. 620 00:41:09,160 --> 00:41:11,719 Speaker 4: And so then that brings me back to something you 621 00:41:11,800 --> 00:41:17,880 Speaker 4: mentioned earlier around sometimes when we say no, part of 622 00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:22,240 Speaker 4: that no means that things are going to fall apart. 623 00:41:27,040 --> 00:41:31,359 Speaker 4: I don't know about y'all, but I have moments where 624 00:41:31,400 --> 00:41:33,719 Speaker 4: I'm like, you know what, Yeah, it does need to 625 00:41:33,760 --> 00:41:40,960 Speaker 4: fall apart. But the reality is that I don't like 626 00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:46,960 Speaker 4: to I don't want to witness it. So for those 627 00:41:47,160 --> 00:41:54,560 Speaker 4: of us who recognize that we us saying no is 628 00:41:54,600 --> 00:41:58,799 Speaker 4: better not only for ourselves but for those around us. 629 00:42:01,600 --> 00:42:06,760 Speaker 4: How do we sit with witnessing the things fall apart? 630 00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:12,160 Speaker 4: But it is developing. 631 00:42:14,440 --> 00:42:19,160 Speaker 2: One well two one the ability to see the long 632 00:42:19,239 --> 00:42:23,759 Speaker 2: game instead of the immediate. But I respond to immediate 633 00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:29,000 Speaker 2: that everything's a crisis. Oh no, no, no, right is 634 00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:32,439 Speaker 2: I gotta jump in there and fix it. The other 635 00:42:32,560 --> 00:42:39,960 Speaker 2: part of it for us is healing the part within 636 00:42:40,120 --> 00:42:50,839 Speaker 2: us which is hard to accept people's disapproval. Some people 637 00:42:50,880 --> 00:42:53,839 Speaker 2: aren't gonna be satisfied with you. Some people are not, 638 00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:58,560 Speaker 2: some people will be disappointed in you. Right, I have 639 00:42:58,640 --> 00:43:03,200 Speaker 2: to release the part and me that needs everybody in 640 00:43:03,280 --> 00:43:07,440 Speaker 2: the world to tell me I'm enough, I'm good enough, 641 00:43:08,160 --> 00:43:09,080 Speaker 2: I've done enough. 642 00:43:10,120 --> 00:43:10,359 Speaker 5: Right. 643 00:43:11,280 --> 00:43:14,000 Speaker 2: So you know, when I was president of the American 644 00:43:14,040 --> 00:43:18,240 Speaker 2: Psychological Association, we have over one hundred and fifty thousand members. 645 00:43:19,600 --> 00:43:22,400 Speaker 2: I had to get emails from people talking about my 646 00:43:22,840 --> 00:43:25,719 Speaker 2: daughter in high school is thinking she might want to 647 00:43:25,840 --> 00:43:28,560 Speaker 2: study psychology. Could you jump on a zoom with her? 648 00:43:29,440 --> 00:43:33,960 Speaker 2: I can't do that. I cannot do that right now. 649 00:43:34,600 --> 00:43:34,920 Speaker 5: Now. 650 00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:38,319 Speaker 2: The pastor's daughter, church girl of me want to jump 651 00:43:38,320 --> 00:43:40,120 Speaker 2: on every zoom send me a link. 652 00:43:40,960 --> 00:43:43,680 Speaker 5: It's just it's impossible. 653 00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:49,120 Speaker 2: And so releasing myself so that one I can know 654 00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:52,440 Speaker 2: your daughter. If she does she used to go with 655 00:43:52,560 --> 00:43:56,320 Speaker 2: this psychology can become a great psychologist. And that'll happen 656 00:43:56,360 --> 00:43:59,359 Speaker 2: without me getting on this zoom with somebody who may 657 00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:01,520 Speaker 2: not even want the mother may be the one who 658 00:44:01,600 --> 00:44:06,319 Speaker 2: wants it. And so it is releasing the idea that 659 00:44:06,400 --> 00:44:13,000 Speaker 2: I control the world and also embracing the idea the 660 00:44:13,120 --> 00:44:17,959 Speaker 2: truth that many people think their request is the only 661 00:44:18,080 --> 00:44:26,880 Speaker 2: request right one minute, So in their mind they're like, 662 00:44:27,080 --> 00:44:29,359 Speaker 2: it's just a zoom, or it's just I mean, they'll 663 00:44:29,480 --> 00:44:31,760 Speaker 2: send their number, it's just a call. Why didn't doctor 664 00:44:31,800 --> 00:44:36,040 Speaker 2: Tamer call me? So if you if you think your 665 00:44:36,120 --> 00:44:38,919 Speaker 2: call is the only call, then sure it doesn't make 666 00:44:38,960 --> 00:44:41,359 Speaker 2: sense to you why I didn't call you. And I'm 667 00:44:41,400 --> 00:44:42,160 Speaker 2: at peace with that. 668 00:44:44,920 --> 00:44:47,160 Speaker 7: I was going to say, that feels so that's feel 669 00:44:47,200 --> 00:44:50,600 Speaker 7: so liberating to like let yourself off the hook and 670 00:44:50,680 --> 00:44:52,719 Speaker 7: be at peace with that and not have to I 671 00:44:52,760 --> 00:44:55,040 Speaker 7: got to please one hundred and fifty thousand people, right, 672 00:44:55,080 --> 00:44:58,040 Speaker 7: that feels overwhelming. And doctor Tammy, you said something so 673 00:44:58,160 --> 00:45:00,960 Speaker 7: powerful in this interview I was listening to, and I 674 00:45:01,040 --> 00:45:03,480 Speaker 7: just want to read you the quote and see what 675 00:45:03,520 --> 00:45:05,680 Speaker 7: comes up for you, Right, now like what comes up. 676 00:45:05,719 --> 00:45:09,920 Speaker 7: So what you said was resist the urge to prove 677 00:45:09,960 --> 00:45:14,480 Speaker 7: to people who you are. Be settled in yourself, know yourself. 678 00:45:14,880 --> 00:45:16,600 Speaker 7: People who want to take the time to get to 679 00:45:16,680 --> 00:45:18,680 Speaker 7: know you will get to know the roll you. 680 00:45:21,160 --> 00:45:22,280 Speaker 5: One hundred percent. 681 00:45:23,800 --> 00:45:29,759 Speaker 2: It comes from at our core knowing who we are. 682 00:45:30,080 --> 00:45:33,759 Speaker 2: Things are more upsetting to us when a part of 683 00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:38,120 Speaker 2: us wonders if it's true. Right, if someone says something 684 00:45:38,160 --> 00:45:42,920 Speaker 2: outrageous about me, I know that's just ridiculous. It doesn't 685 00:45:43,160 --> 00:45:47,080 Speaker 2: continue to stir with me. So that's why we have 686 00:45:47,120 --> 00:45:50,040 Speaker 2: to start with our self acceptance and self. 687 00:45:49,760 --> 00:45:52,360 Speaker 5: Clarity, and also to know. 688 00:45:53,920 --> 00:45:56,879 Speaker 2: People who set you up with these judgments in some 689 00:45:56,920 --> 00:45:58,600 Speaker 2: ways will never be satisfied. 690 00:45:59,360 --> 00:45:59,600 Speaker 4: Right. 691 00:46:00,080 --> 00:46:02,640 Speaker 2: So if they say, oh, well, to be a real one, 692 00:46:03,719 --> 00:46:05,799 Speaker 2: she has to jump on the phone with me, even 693 00:46:05,800 --> 00:46:08,520 Speaker 2: though I'm a stranger. Okay, So let's say I did that, right. 694 00:46:08,560 --> 00:46:11,560 Speaker 2: Then I get on the phone, and then they say, well, 695 00:46:11,600 --> 00:46:13,920 Speaker 2: I'm coming to Los Angeles, meet me for lunch. 696 00:46:16,200 --> 00:46:19,520 Speaker 5: Okay, all right, Now I meet him for lunch. Okay. 697 00:46:20,600 --> 00:46:24,719 Speaker 2: Then I have people who say, my girlfriend's birthday is 698 00:46:24,800 --> 00:46:28,320 Speaker 2: next week, can you FaceTime and tell my girlfriend happy birthday? 699 00:46:29,080 --> 00:46:34,000 Speaker 2: So it's a never ending request. So I have to 700 00:46:34,160 --> 00:46:39,120 Speaker 2: get settled with You're gonna have to be disappointed, like 701 00:46:39,360 --> 00:46:41,960 Speaker 2: You're gonna have to be disappointed, and I'm gonna have 702 00:46:42,040 --> 00:46:46,640 Speaker 2: to have peace with your disappointment because I know I 703 00:46:46,719 --> 00:46:51,160 Speaker 2: know who I am, and I'm not chasing your validation 704 00:46:51,400 --> 00:46:53,800 Speaker 2: or approval that I'm a good person. 705 00:46:57,080 --> 00:47:03,160 Speaker 5: Oh okay, we're not chasing that validation. 706 00:47:03,600 --> 00:47:09,239 Speaker 2: No, No, See it's one thing when we actually have 707 00:47:09,400 --> 00:47:14,240 Speaker 2: relationship and someone has an issue with you or says 708 00:47:14,320 --> 00:47:18,279 Speaker 2: like I didn't like how you handled this, then you 709 00:47:18,320 --> 00:47:21,279 Speaker 2: know that that's people I have real relationship with. Then 710 00:47:21,320 --> 00:47:24,160 Speaker 2: I need to reflect on that, see what part of 711 00:47:24,200 --> 00:47:27,080 Speaker 2: that I need to own or work on or explain 712 00:47:27,120 --> 00:47:30,279 Speaker 2: to them why I see it differently. But to think 713 00:47:30,320 --> 00:47:32,640 Speaker 2: that I need to hold that kind of space for 714 00:47:32,840 --> 00:47:36,360 Speaker 2: the universe, like for anybody and everybody I have to 715 00:47:36,400 --> 00:47:37,480 Speaker 2: explain myself to. 716 00:47:38,600 --> 00:47:39,759 Speaker 5: It's too many human. 717 00:47:39,520 --> 00:47:47,040 Speaker 4: Beings, yes, way too many. We would really we're already exhausted. 718 00:47:47,120 --> 00:47:50,640 Speaker 4: We would truly be exhausted if we were trying to 719 00:47:50,680 --> 00:47:52,240 Speaker 4: please everybody. 720 00:47:52,400 --> 00:47:53,839 Speaker 5: That's right, that's right. 721 00:47:55,000 --> 00:47:58,920 Speaker 4: So speaking of exhaustion and not pleasing all the people, 722 00:48:00,920 --> 00:48:07,000 Speaker 4: Doctor Tayler, tell us about your self care routine and 723 00:48:07,200 --> 00:48:10,920 Speaker 4: how it's evolved over the years, because I remember on 724 00:48:10,960 --> 00:48:14,560 Speaker 4: a previous episode you talk to us about dance and 725 00:48:14,600 --> 00:48:19,759 Speaker 4: the importance of dance being in your self care. How 726 00:48:19,760 --> 00:48:24,200 Speaker 4: does your self care routine evolve as you grow, as 727 00:48:24,640 --> 00:48:30,080 Speaker 4: life circumstances change. 728 00:48:28,920 --> 00:48:32,840 Speaker 2: Thank you, so you find different outlets. There was a 729 00:48:32,920 --> 00:48:35,520 Speaker 2: period during the pandemic where I had become a walker. 730 00:48:35,680 --> 00:48:38,440 Speaker 2: My dad is big into walking, and I was out 731 00:48:38,480 --> 00:48:40,720 Speaker 2: there faithfully until I wasn't. 732 00:48:40,880 --> 00:48:42,760 Speaker 5: Then I was like, I don't want to do it anymore. 733 00:48:44,719 --> 00:48:47,680 Speaker 2: So it's like you got to find the thing that 734 00:48:48,000 --> 00:48:50,120 Speaker 2: moves you in the moment. I still love to move 735 00:48:50,160 --> 00:48:53,399 Speaker 2: my body, but like what form of class or then 736 00:48:53,440 --> 00:48:56,840 Speaker 2: I started working with a trainer. So you just mix 737 00:48:56,920 --> 00:49:00,000 Speaker 2: it up as long as it still speaks to you. 738 00:49:00,719 --> 00:49:02,719 Speaker 2: One of the things that's been important to me is 739 00:49:02,760 --> 00:49:06,080 Speaker 2: a sisterhood circle. So I have a circle of sisters 740 00:49:06,120 --> 00:49:10,440 Speaker 2: called the Gathering, and we try to connect like once 741 00:49:10,480 --> 00:49:14,439 Speaker 2: a month and really just share and pour into each 742 00:49:14,440 --> 00:49:18,560 Speaker 2: other and encourage and pray for each other. It makes 743 00:49:18,640 --> 00:49:25,320 Speaker 2: a big difference. So movement and sisterhood, my spiritual practice, reading, 744 00:49:25,400 --> 00:49:30,200 Speaker 2: daily devotions, all of those things help to nourish me 745 00:49:30,520 --> 00:49:33,400 Speaker 2: and I want to say it's important to be flexible 746 00:49:33,680 --> 00:49:36,239 Speaker 2: because you may be doing like reading an app or 747 00:49:36,280 --> 00:49:40,840 Speaker 2: doing whatever format you're doing saw my Day or what 748 00:49:40,960 --> 00:49:43,239 Speaker 2: have you, and then at a certain point it just 749 00:49:43,400 --> 00:49:47,680 Speaker 2: may not speak to you. So instead of forcing yourself 750 00:49:48,120 --> 00:49:52,000 Speaker 2: to keep doing the old thing, sometimes it's being open 751 00:49:52,120 --> 00:49:54,439 Speaker 2: to like, Okay, what's it going to look like now 752 00:49:54,480 --> 00:49:57,560 Speaker 2: for me to nourish my spirit? What's my friendship circle 753 00:49:57,600 --> 00:49:58,279 Speaker 2: going to look like? 754 00:49:58,360 --> 00:49:58,560 Speaker 5: Now? 755 00:49:58,600 --> 00:50:02,319 Speaker 2: What's my movement it's going to look like now? So 756 00:50:02,360 --> 00:50:07,040 Speaker 2: I continue to do it. I love dance, I love movement, 757 00:50:07,280 --> 00:50:12,160 Speaker 2: I love poetry, and so finding like the rhythm. 758 00:50:11,840 --> 00:50:17,000 Speaker 7: Of the day, what is speaking to me now? Love that, 759 00:50:17,160 --> 00:50:19,560 Speaker 7: finding the rid of them of the day. Doctor Tama, 760 00:50:19,640 --> 00:50:21,560 Speaker 7: It is always a pleasure to have you. Thank you 761 00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:23,279 Speaker 7: so much for your words of wisdom. Thank you for 762 00:50:23,320 --> 00:50:24,880 Speaker 7: how you show up in the world and what you 763 00:50:25,000 --> 00:50:26,600 Speaker 7: give to us in the community. 764 00:50:26,600 --> 00:50:27,719 Speaker 5: We really appreciate you. 765 00:50:27,880 --> 00:50:29,840 Speaker 6: And before we close out, we just want to know, 766 00:50:29,880 --> 00:50:31,960 Speaker 6: are there any other questions or topics that you really 767 00:50:32,000 --> 00:50:34,000 Speaker 6: wanted to touch on before we close out? And we'd 768 00:50:34,000 --> 00:50:36,200 Speaker 6: love to let our let you let our listeners know 769 00:50:36,200 --> 00:50:37,880 Speaker 6: where they can buy their book and where they can 770 00:50:37,920 --> 00:50:39,200 Speaker 6: find you on social media. 771 00:50:40,320 --> 00:50:43,719 Speaker 2: Yes, well, I know your followers are big readers. And 772 00:50:43,880 --> 00:50:46,560 Speaker 2: at the same time, if anyone who is listening who 773 00:50:46,680 --> 00:50:49,400 Speaker 2: is not or just super busy, for them to know 774 00:50:49,440 --> 00:50:52,040 Speaker 2: there is an audio version of Matters of the Heart, 775 00:50:52,320 --> 00:50:54,480 Speaker 2: and I was blessed to be able to be the 776 00:50:54,640 --> 00:50:57,759 Speaker 2: voice that's reading the book, and so you can have 777 00:50:57,800 --> 00:51:01,480 Speaker 2: the audio or the written version. And I encourage you 778 00:51:01,520 --> 00:51:04,279 Speaker 2: as soon as you I hear this episode to go 779 00:51:04,600 --> 00:51:08,560 Speaker 2: and get your copy. And if anyone comes to your mind, 780 00:51:08,680 --> 00:51:11,680 Speaker 2: your heart, your spirit that you want to gift it to, 781 00:51:11,680 --> 00:51:14,319 Speaker 2: to think about doing that as well, so that we 782 00:51:14,360 --> 00:51:15,480 Speaker 2: can be well together. 783 00:51:19,000 --> 00:51:24,680 Speaker 4: Oh, thank you so much, doctor Tama for joining us 784 00:51:24,840 --> 00:51:25,440 Speaker 4: once again. 785 00:51:26,560 --> 00:51:28,840 Speaker 5: You know, at this point we feel like your family. 786 00:51:29,000 --> 00:51:30,359 Speaker 5: Like I love it. 787 00:51:30,440 --> 00:51:33,799 Speaker 2: I'm like you an't have so many seasons and episodes. 788 00:51:33,840 --> 00:51:35,359 Speaker 5: I'm like, this is beautiful. 789 00:51:35,560 --> 00:51:40,000 Speaker 2: I appreciate your faithfulness and diligence and keeping it going. 790 00:51:41,040 --> 00:51:43,040 Speaker 5: Thank you, Thank you so much. 791 00:51:44,680 --> 00:51:47,480 Speaker 8: Hey, lady, it's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her 792 00:51:47,560 --> 00:51:51,560 Speaker 8: Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of the state 793 00:51:51,600 --> 00:51:57,000 Speaker 8: of California and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, 794 00:51:57,800 --> 00:52:01,240 Speaker 8: please reach out to me at the door. Dominique Brusard 795 00:52:01,320 --> 00:52:06,440 Speaker 8: dot com. That's d R D O M I n 796 00:52:06,600 --> 00:52:11,800 Speaker 8: I q U E b r O U ss ar 797 00:52:12,000 --> 00:52:17,080 Speaker 8: d dot com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. 798 00:52:17,680 --> 00:52:22,200 Speaker 4: I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for tuning 799 00:52:22,200 --> 00:52:26,320 Speaker 4: me into Cultivating her Space. Remember that while this podcast 800 00:52:26,480 --> 00:52:30,799 Speaker 4: is all about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's not a 801 00:52:30,840 --> 00:52:35,520 Speaker 4: substitute for therapy. If you are someone you know needs support, 802 00:52:36,000 --> 00:52:40,240 Speaker 4: check out resources like Therapy for Black Girls or Psychology Today. 803 00:52:41,080 --> 00:52:44,080 Speaker 4: If you love today's episode, do us a favor and 804 00:52:44,160 --> 00:52:47,400 Speaker 4: share it with a friend who needs some inspiration, or 805 00:52:48,080 --> 00:52:51,479 Speaker 4: leave us a quick five star review. Your support means 806 00:52:51,520 --> 00:52:54,560 Speaker 4: the world to us and helps keeps this space thriving. 807 00:52:55,120 --> 00:52:59,239 Speaker 1: And before we meet again, repeat after me. I am 808 00:52:59,280 --> 00:53:04,240 Speaker 1: the architect of my destiny, shaping every moment with purpose 809 00:53:04,880 --> 00:53:09,320 Speaker 1: and passion. Keep thriving, lady, and tune in next Friday 810 00:53:09,360 --> 00:53:13,759 Speaker 1: for more inspiration from Cultivating her Space. In the meantime, 811 00:53:14,080 --> 00:53:17,040 Speaker 1: be sure to connect with us on Instagram at her 812 00:53:17,120 --> 00:53:18,080 Speaker 1: Space Podcast