1 00:00:00,280 --> 00:00:02,840 Speaker 1: Brought to you by the reinvented two thousand twelve camera. 2 00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:09,880 Speaker 1: It's ready. Are you welcome to Stuff Mom Never told you? 3 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:18,079 Speaker 1: From housetop works dot com. Hello, and welcome to the podcast. 4 00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:22,400 Speaker 1: I'm Caroline and I'm Kristen, So Kristen. As we were 5 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:26,280 Speaker 1: doing research for this temper Tantrums episode, it brought back 6 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:31,280 Speaker 1: a couple of memories for me as a child. Um, 7 00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:37,040 Speaker 1: I recall one particular temperate Caroline temper tantrum episode where 8 00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:40,640 Speaker 1: I had been disciplined and I didn't like it. I 9 00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:43,040 Speaker 1: had no taste for the discipline. I was not a 10 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:46,239 Speaker 1: fan of it, and I was so mad. But I 11 00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:48,440 Speaker 1: didn't really know how to tell my parents, like, look, 12 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:50,120 Speaker 1: this doesn't seem fair to me as a child, and 13 00:00:50,159 --> 00:00:52,159 Speaker 1: you should really be you know, maybe you shouldn't come 14 00:00:52,159 --> 00:00:54,000 Speaker 1: down to be so hard about this, this minor thing. 15 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:59,680 Speaker 1: Um that I ended up picking up a doorstop like 16 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:01,880 Speaker 1: my parents had to one in the guest room and 17 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:04,520 Speaker 1: one like yeah, two in the guest room. Anyway, your 18 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:07,440 Speaker 1: stuff big, but it was shipped like a jack and 19 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:11,880 Speaker 1: it was solid metal, like heavy. I picked it up 20 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:15,120 Speaker 1: and hurled it at the closed door because they put 21 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:16,360 Speaker 1: me in my room. You know, they were like, now 22 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:18,399 Speaker 1: you go in your room. I picked it up, hurled 23 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:20,160 Speaker 1: it against the door, and to this day in my 24 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:25,840 Speaker 1: parents out there is still still a hole in the 25 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:30,200 Speaker 1: back of the door you hulked out. How old were you, shoot, 26 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:33,360 Speaker 1: I don't know. I was really little though, like I was. 27 00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:35,440 Speaker 1: But I mean I picked that sucker up. I was 28 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:37,640 Speaker 1: like full of baby adrenaline or something. I don't know 29 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:41,600 Speaker 1: how I was maybe four. Maybe that's a little old 30 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:44,800 Speaker 1: for a TEMPERA tune from Caroline, Oh my god, do 31 00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:47,480 Speaker 1: I have some sort of personality disorder? I mean, I 32 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,960 Speaker 1: didn't want this to be the podcast where I had 33 00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:58,480 Speaker 1: break that news. But no, temper tantrums are completely normal. 34 00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:02,520 Speaker 1: They're a normal part of child development. While they are 35 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:07,280 Speaker 1: typically clustered in the twos hence the Terrible Twos, they'll 36 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:09,920 Speaker 1: still spring up from time to time. I still have 37 00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:13,239 Speaker 1: temper tantrums. You know something is wrong and I can't 38 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:17,040 Speaker 1: verbalize it. Usually it's that that verbal block, you know. I, um, 39 00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:21,200 Speaker 1: I'll pick I will search out metal doorstops as well 40 00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:25,760 Speaker 1: and throw them, preferably through plate glass windows. No, I 41 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:31,399 Speaker 1: don't think so, I don't actually do I no, no, UM, 42 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:34,760 Speaker 1: but do you remember how long you are angry? Did 43 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:36,680 Speaker 1: it feel like forever? Or was it kind of a 44 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:41,040 Speaker 1: passing thing. I mean, I am fairly certain that it 45 00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:43,880 Speaker 1: was passing, because I remember being so angry in the 46 00:02:43,919 --> 00:02:46,799 Speaker 1: moment because I've been disciplined and put in my room. 47 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:48,840 Speaker 1: But I'm pretty sure I threw the thing and poudered 48 00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:50,600 Speaker 1: for a minute and then was probably playing with my 49 00:02:50,639 --> 00:02:53,160 Speaker 1: barbies or something by the end of it. Yeah, I 50 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:56,000 Speaker 1: was surprised to learn about temper tantrums. Is that the 51 00:02:56,080 --> 00:03:00,400 Speaker 1: average one only last three minutes. I mean, it's probably 52 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:05,080 Speaker 1: a very loud and ra ambunctious and unpleasant three minutes. 53 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:09,440 Speaker 1: But Michael Portigal, who is a University of Minnesota pediatric 54 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:14,160 Speaker 1: neurologists who has studied temper tantrums in depth, found that 55 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:17,480 Speaker 1: they usually only last a couple of minutes and ten 56 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:21,720 Speaker 1: minutes later after this outburst, after this huge eruption, kids 57 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:24,360 Speaker 1: have forgotten and they've moved on. Well. I actually have 58 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:27,600 Speaker 1: a lot of admiration for this gentleman because he and 59 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:31,440 Speaker 1: his team listened so closely to recordings of children having 60 00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:33,400 Speaker 1: temper tantrums. I don't even like to hear it at 61 00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:35,920 Speaker 1: a grocery store where I can walk away, and he 62 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:39,400 Speaker 1: studied them, but he uh yeah, he actually analyzed told 63 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:42,520 Speaker 1: there's tantrums and found a pattern that is really interesting 64 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:44,560 Speaker 1: and makes a lot of sense if you think about it, 65 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:47,560 Speaker 1: that there tends to be this pattern of anger overlapping 66 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:50,120 Speaker 1: with sadness. And a lot of this does have to 67 00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:53,400 Speaker 1: do with a communication barrier that we will talk about 68 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:55,800 Speaker 1: in more detail when we get to the science of it. 69 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:59,280 Speaker 1: But um, this whole, this whole sadness anger thing leads 70 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:02,400 Speaker 1: to a three stage tantrum that begins with yelling and screaming, 71 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:07,200 Speaker 1: and kids actually can scream loudly enough to rupture capillaries 72 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:12,120 Speaker 1: and induce vomiting. And it's often a company by sweating, drooling, spitting, 73 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:14,920 Speaker 1: running noses, and pupil dilations. So basically we're dealing with 74 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:20,480 Speaker 1: the exorcist. So you freak out, you have your exorcist moment, 75 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:25,280 Speaker 1: and then you transition to physical actions. This is the kicking, 76 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:28,640 Speaker 1: the biting, the throwing of doorstop, the throwing of doorstops, 77 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:32,560 Speaker 1: and then you kind of fade out into just whimpering 78 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:35,760 Speaker 1: and whining. And I remember that from childhood as well, 79 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:39,160 Speaker 1: kind of feeling exhausted if I pitched a fit afterwards, 80 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:42,320 Speaker 1: you cry so hard. Uh, you just you kind of 81 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:45,520 Speaker 1: just wanna want to sleep for a little bit. Um. 82 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:49,760 Speaker 1: And this is interesting. Protocol found that tantrums don't last 83 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:52,960 Speaker 1: as long if the child will skip the yelling, face 84 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,560 Speaker 1: that initial yelling and go straight to the physical stuff. 85 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:59,240 Speaker 1: If he just picks up something and throws it or she, Uh, 86 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:02,680 Speaker 1: then and you might have a shorter tantrum on your hands. 87 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,200 Speaker 1: That's the bonus part. Even though they might have to 88 00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:06,960 Speaker 1: I feel like the yelling would at least serve as 89 00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:08,479 Speaker 1: a warning that you're about to get clocked in the 90 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:10,919 Speaker 1: head with a doorstop. Yeah, maybe you should hope for 91 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:13,680 Speaker 1: the oh man. And then there's that quiet moment right 92 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:17,080 Speaker 1: before the yelling. And anyone who you know parents, or 93 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:20,559 Speaker 1: anyone who has been around small children knows that look 94 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:24,919 Speaker 1: on a child's face where they'll turn beat red and 95 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:26,960 Speaker 1: they don't say anything, but you can see it's like 96 00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:32,840 Speaker 1: a tea kettle about to burst. And then screams come, 97 00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:36,840 Speaker 1: and then and then the scream and it's just as 98 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:40,640 Speaker 1: sad satisfaces and a lot of times I gotta give 99 00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:43,520 Speaker 1: it to parents who are dealing with kids in that 100 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:48,040 Speaker 1: prime stage of the temper tantrum during those terrible twos, 101 00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:51,520 Speaker 1: because the thing is a lot of times they might 102 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:54,960 Speaker 1: be societally labeled as bad parents. Like we think of 103 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:57,800 Speaker 1: a child acting out as a sign of poor parenting, 104 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:00,159 Speaker 1: But it's not a sign of poor parenting. It is 105 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:04,680 Speaker 1: a sign of something natural and normal going on inside 106 00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:08,960 Speaker 1: of that child's brain. Yeah, there's external environmental conditions that 107 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:14,440 Speaker 1: the kid is dealing with combined with internal neurological maturation issues, 108 00:06:14,839 --> 00:06:17,760 Speaker 1: and so Kathleen Strassenberger in her book The Developing Person 109 00:06:17,839 --> 00:06:21,800 Speaker 1: through the Lifespan points out that this whole problem of 110 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:25,359 Speaker 1: of temper tantrums originates in the prefrontal cortex, which is 111 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:27,680 Speaker 1: the part of your brain that's right behind the forehead 112 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:33,160 Speaker 1: that regulates social behavior, impulse control, and emotions. Yeah, and um, 113 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:37,200 Speaker 1: as it develops, our emotional responses will become more nuanced. 114 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:41,279 Speaker 1: But here's the thing about the prefrontal cortex. It shows 115 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:45,400 Speaker 1: the most prolonged period of post natal development of any 116 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:49,719 Speaker 1: region of the human brain, and it's responsible for impulse control. 117 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:53,159 Speaker 1: So for years and years and years and years and years, 118 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:56,760 Speaker 1: this part of our brain is still developing and it 119 00:06:56,800 --> 00:07:01,880 Speaker 1: controls so many of these kind of negative behaviors. And 120 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:05,039 Speaker 1: on top of that, when you were a toddler, you 121 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:07,400 Speaker 1: don't you can't sit down and say explain to your 122 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:09,720 Speaker 1: parents like you were talking about, Like mom, Dad, I 123 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:13,440 Speaker 1: feel like the punishment does not fit the crime. So 124 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:18,680 Speaker 1: you throw a doorstop. Yeah, they were. They were really 125 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:20,560 Speaker 1: mad about that hole in the door, and I felt 126 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:22,400 Speaker 1: really bad about it, and then I felt guilty every 127 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:24,280 Speaker 1: time I looked at it. But you know why you 128 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:29,840 Speaker 1: probably picked up that doorstop because the stress hormone cortisol 129 00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:34,080 Speaker 1: will spike when these kids are trying to when they 130 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:37,840 Speaker 1: have that language block, when they encounter some kind of 131 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:42,240 Speaker 1: barrier and they can't they can't deal, they can't reason 132 00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:44,200 Speaker 1: their way out of it, and they can't communicate their 133 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:47,560 Speaker 1: way out of it. So cortisol spikes, which triggers are 134 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:52,280 Speaker 1: fight or flight response, and hence you have the impulse 135 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:56,480 Speaker 1: to do something. But unfortunately, the old prefrontal cortex is 136 00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:59,360 Speaker 1: not mature enough to say, hey, maybe you should not 137 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:03,000 Speaker 1: throw doorstop right And then you know, you get older, 138 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:06,320 Speaker 1: you stop throwing doorstops, and then we'll talk about this 139 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,360 Speaker 1: a little later. But I think it's funny that basically 140 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:13,680 Speaker 1: the terrible teenage years, it's just another prefrontal cortex growth 141 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,560 Speaker 1: spurt temper tantrum stage, right, and so then you're back 142 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:19,559 Speaker 1: to throwing doorstops as like a fifteen year old. And 143 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:23,680 Speaker 1: a lot of times the temper tantrums in children will 144 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:28,800 Speaker 1: fade as the Yes, you've got the development of prefrontal cortex, 145 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:33,760 Speaker 1: but also it's as their language comprehension increases, right, so 146 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:36,720 Speaker 1: they're actually may be able to tell mom, like, I'm 147 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:39,200 Speaker 1: really hungry, maybe you should feed me before we go 148 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:42,280 Speaker 1: to the grocery store. I have to tell myself that too. 149 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:45,559 Speaker 1: And sure there's sometimes when kids need to learn to 150 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:47,400 Speaker 1: do things that they might not want to have to do, 151 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:50,320 Speaker 1: like sit still in a grocery cart when they're being 152 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:54,160 Speaker 1: pushed through the aisles. UM. But I think it is 153 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:58,679 Speaker 1: important for everybody to understand that temper tantrums really are 154 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:04,680 Speaker 1: a a normal behavior and there are ways to mitigate 155 00:09:04,679 --> 00:09:08,040 Speaker 1: the chances of them happening, at least on such a 156 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:11,840 Speaker 1: regular basis or in public um. For instance, Dr Tiffany 157 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:16,000 Speaker 1: Cook recommends establishing a routine and being consistent with your 158 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:20,240 Speaker 1: own behavior and reactions, and I think that is applicable 159 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:23,640 Speaker 1: just in general when you stick to a routine, you know, 160 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:26,839 Speaker 1: you know what to expect, and and you won't get 161 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:29,280 Speaker 1: us confused, and I won't and I won't cry in 162 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:34,160 Speaker 1: Trader Joe's if they don't have yogurt covered pretzels. That's 163 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:38,360 Speaker 1: it is terrible when that happens. I've also never done that. Sure, 164 00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:41,319 Speaker 1: Um well, it was pointed out a couple of times 165 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:44,960 Speaker 1: that you know, kids haven't developed those language skills, but 166 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:48,160 Speaker 1: they also haven't developed the same comprehension skills, like, for instance, 167 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,640 Speaker 1: the example that was used was if you're a little 168 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:53,120 Speaker 1: person in the world who thinks honestly that they are 169 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:54,840 Speaker 1: monsters under your bed and that you have the chance 170 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:57,240 Speaker 1: of getting sucked down the drain when the when the 171 00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:00,440 Speaker 1: plug is pulled in the tub, things might seem scary 172 00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,800 Speaker 1: and your anxiety level might be a little high, like 173 00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:06,800 Speaker 1: as adults. You know, I stopped worrying like weeks ago 174 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:08,720 Speaker 1: that I would get stuck down the drain in the tubs, 175 00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:11,360 Speaker 1: So I'm totally there's no anxiety anymore. I'm able to 176 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:14,840 Speaker 1: communicate much better, right, Yeah, there's there's a quote from 177 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:19,000 Speaker 1: one of these pediatric experts talking about ten per tantrums 178 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:25,839 Speaker 1: and explaining that toddlers think magically, not rationally or logically exactly. Well. 179 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:31,920 Speaker 1: One other prevention tip is positive reinforcement to reward desired behaviors, 180 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:35,400 Speaker 1: you know, using encouraging words or actual like lollipops or 181 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:38,640 Speaker 1: whatever to make the kids feel good about choosing the 182 00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:43,440 Speaker 1: appropriate behavior. So not only maybe demonstrating proper behavior, you know, 183 00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:45,600 Speaker 1: role playing to share your kid what they should do, 184 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:51,360 Speaker 1: but also reinforce when they actually do something positive. And also, 185 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:56,040 Speaker 1: I mean there, of course this cannot always be avoided 186 00:10:56,400 --> 00:11:00,079 Speaker 1: in the day today and our hectic schedules, but you know, 187 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,520 Speaker 1: taking a kid out when he or she is tired 188 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,680 Speaker 1: or hungry, you are you know, raising the stakes of 189 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:09,040 Speaker 1: that happening. And then also setting reasonable expectations like how 190 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:12,640 Speaker 1: much can you really expect for from a two year old? 191 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:17,000 Speaker 1: And some have more problems with temper tantrums than others. 192 00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:20,480 Speaker 1: And the thing is, it's just gonna happen. Even the 193 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:26,000 Speaker 1: most perfect calm child is going to pitch a fit 194 00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:28,520 Speaker 1: at some point. So what do you do, Caroline? You've 195 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:32,080 Speaker 1: got to stay calm um, remain a role model by 196 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:34,760 Speaker 1: doing so. The more attention you give the behavior, the 197 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:37,160 Speaker 1: more likely your child is to repeat it, and I 198 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:41,520 Speaker 1: think a perfect example of when staying calm really works, uh, 199 00:11:41,559 --> 00:11:43,560 Speaker 1: and when you should not take your child out when 200 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,040 Speaker 1: here she is tired. I was out shopping with my 201 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:49,720 Speaker 1: best gal Jessica and her child, Austin. I don't remember 202 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:51,840 Speaker 1: how old he was at the time, but when we 203 00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:53,720 Speaker 1: were leaving the house, he was already clear. He was 204 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:56,120 Speaker 1: very tired, like he was already kind of cranky at home. 205 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:57,760 Speaker 1: But with the promise of going to the toy store, 206 00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:01,000 Speaker 1: he parked up. So we were like, okay, he's cool. No, no, 207 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:04,480 Speaker 1: don't be fooled. We got to some clothing store and 208 00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:06,480 Speaker 1: he was kind of, you know, horsing around. He got 209 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:09,600 Speaker 1: under those the clothing racks. Yeah, and my friend was like, 210 00:12:09,679 --> 00:12:12,000 Speaker 1: don't do that, get out of there, and he kept 211 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,760 Speaker 1: doing it. So of course she's like, no, we're leaving, 212 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:18,040 Speaker 1: We're going home right now. That whole like silent turning, 213 00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:20,320 Speaker 1: beat red things started to happen, and I start looking around. 214 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:23,280 Speaker 1: I'm like, oh no, oh no, I mean notice spent 215 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:26,240 Speaker 1: by standard in this. So but she stay calm the 216 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:28,040 Speaker 1: whole time. She never yelled, she never raised her voice, 217 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:29,760 Speaker 1: she never caused the scene, and like dragged him out 218 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:31,880 Speaker 1: by his hair. She just took him on the sidewalk, 219 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:33,959 Speaker 1: squatted down, and it's like, we're not doing this right now. 220 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,599 Speaker 1: We're gonna go home, we're gonna have a nap in 221 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:38,040 Speaker 1: a snack, and everybody's going to be better. And you 222 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:39,720 Speaker 1: know what, that kid fell asleep in the car on 223 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:42,720 Speaker 1: the way home exactly. Yeah. I was surprised to see 224 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:47,760 Speaker 1: how often, uh, these experts were encouraging parents to even 225 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:51,280 Speaker 1: just ignore tantrum behavior. If you walk away, you let 226 00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:56,120 Speaker 1: them scream their little heads off. And because if you 227 00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:59,679 Speaker 1: give it too much attention, and even if you punish 228 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:04,040 Speaker 1: that specific behavior, they might interpret it as some kind 229 00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:06,600 Speaker 1: of positive reinforcement because they just want attention. And if 230 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:09,800 Speaker 1: they can get attention by throwing themselves on the floor 231 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:13,720 Speaker 1: or pitching some kind of fit, then it's raising mistakes 232 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:16,720 Speaker 1: again that it will happen more often, exactly. And they 233 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:19,880 Speaker 1: point out that you should not use the ignoring technique 234 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:21,680 Speaker 1: if there are bigger problems, like if your kid is 235 00:13:21,679 --> 00:13:25,360 Speaker 1: biting everybody else at daycare, or if they're underlying conditions 236 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:29,280 Speaker 1: like hearing or vision problems or learning disabilities. Uh. And 237 00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:33,320 Speaker 1: I thought this was interesting to child clinical psychologist Alan 238 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:38,079 Speaker 1: Eksden who's also an expert in temper tantrums, uh says 239 00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:42,080 Speaker 1: that you should not bother explaining to a child why 240 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:46,480 Speaker 1: temper tantrums shouldn't happen, don't try to get moral with them, 241 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:51,280 Speaker 1: focused only on that positive behavior, then you'd rather see 242 00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:53,640 Speaker 1: and know. And again that's almost a way of just 243 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:59,280 Speaker 1: ignoring the negative behavior and only focusing and reasoning with them, saying, actually, 244 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:01,280 Speaker 1: I would like you to use your words next time. 245 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:05,120 Speaker 1: And this is how I guess I would talk to 246 00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:10,960 Speaker 1: my child. Robot mom, l O child. Yeah, and there's 247 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,480 Speaker 1: also the use of time outs. I think time outs 248 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,640 Speaker 1: are good because it does give them that forced cooling 249 00:14:15,679 --> 00:14:19,040 Speaker 1: off period, you know, instead of letting themselves scream into 250 00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:21,440 Speaker 1: oblivion and then pass out on the floor in tears. 251 00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,560 Speaker 1: Just put them in a chair and um, you know, 252 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:27,840 Speaker 1: they recommend a specific chair or a specific corner or whatever, 253 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:30,400 Speaker 1: so it's it's kind of in their mind connected with Okay, 254 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:32,560 Speaker 1: I've got a chill out. And actually I thought it 255 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:34,880 Speaker 1: was interesting that they recommend one minute of time out 256 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:37,760 Speaker 1: for each year of age. It's not much, but maybe 257 00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:41,520 Speaker 1: it's because again, the average duration of a tantrum only 258 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:44,160 Speaker 1: three minutes. I mean, I say only. I'm sure parents 259 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:48,480 Speaker 1: who are listening to this are like, are these women crazy? This? 260 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:51,440 Speaker 1: Is this the worst three minutes ever? Probably feels like 261 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:55,000 Speaker 1: an hour. Uh. And of course, temper tantrum behavior can 262 00:14:55,040 --> 00:15:00,600 Speaker 1: also become problematic. Typically UM, when the free quincy and 263 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:04,440 Speaker 1: duration of tantrums escalate to three or more tantrums per 264 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:09,120 Speaker 1: day lasting more than fifteen minutes, it could qualify as 265 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:12,840 Speaker 1: disordered behavior. Right. And some of the red flags for 266 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:16,760 Speaker 1: this behavior coming from the American Academy of Pediatrics. Uh. 267 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:19,720 Speaker 1: They point to an increase in tant terms after age four, 268 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:23,920 Speaker 1: So I really hope my doorstop throwing was before age four. Uh. 269 00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:27,960 Speaker 1: Deliberate attempts to injure themselves, others, or property, holding their 270 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:31,920 Speaker 1: breath until they faint, exhibiting signs of mental disturbance such 271 00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:37,360 Speaker 1: as recurring nightmares, refusal to potty train, and intensive separation anxiety. 272 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:39,960 Speaker 1: And that supports the findings of a two thousand seven 273 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:44,160 Speaker 1: study published in Pediatrics, which basically said that healthy kids 274 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:47,640 Speaker 1: are less likely to even when they do get upset 275 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:51,520 Speaker 1: like this, they're less likely to grow violent, injure themselves, 276 00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:56,320 Speaker 1: destroy things, or become verbally combative. But if we have 277 00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:58,600 Speaker 1: now freaked out. All the parents of young children out 278 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:02,160 Speaker 1: there who have had crazy tan terms before, don't worry 279 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:07,120 Speaker 1: about of quote unquote, mentally stable preschoolers exhibit this behavior 280 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:11,920 Speaker 1: periodically if they're a mentally stable preschooler. Yeah, sure, says 281 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:17,240 Speaker 1: the childless woman who gets to hang out with her 282 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:20,200 Speaker 1: you know, nieces and nephews and then hand them back 283 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:22,840 Speaker 1: because they're in great moods. Usually when I come around, 284 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:25,760 Speaker 1: you know, it's it's rare for me to see any 285 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:31,160 Speaker 1: kind of tantrum behavior. Um. But there was some controversy 286 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:35,600 Speaker 1: that's come up recently around more extreme temper tantrum behavior, 287 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:39,800 Speaker 1: and it's all due to the fifth edition of the 288 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:44,480 Speaker 1: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders that is coming 289 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:49,400 Speaker 1: out in May, is published by the American Psychiatric Association, 290 00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:55,000 Speaker 1: and essentially the d s M is the handbook for 291 00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:59,280 Speaker 1: diagnosing psychiatric and psychological disorders. And there has been a 292 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:05,280 Speaker 1: proposed addition of disruptive mood disregulation disorder, which is essentially 293 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:09,400 Speaker 1: extreme temper tantrums and children older than six that would 294 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:13,200 Speaker 1: be classified as a mental illness, right, and they point 295 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:17,760 Speaker 1: out that it's distinguished from pediatric bipolar disorder, which is 296 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:22,240 Speaker 1: a completely different, different condition. But a lot of clinicians 297 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:25,919 Speaker 1: are taking issue with this proposed change because they're concerned 298 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:30,280 Speaker 1: that this is pathologizing behavior that could lead to even 299 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:34,640 Speaker 1: more kids on antidepressants and antipsychotic drugs. Because I don't 300 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,440 Speaker 1: have the exact numbers in front of me, but the 301 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:44,040 Speaker 1: rates of pediatric bipolar disorder diagnoses and um adolescent depression 302 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:48,399 Speaker 1: diagnoses have skyrocketed in the past decade, and so some 303 00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:51,200 Speaker 1: doctors are saying, hey, are we just are we really 304 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:55,320 Speaker 1: going to turn every unpleasant behavior into some kind of 305 00:17:55,359 --> 00:17:59,040 Speaker 1: mental illness? Nabe Parents that are just more and more 306 00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:01,560 Speaker 1: don't want to deal with it, possibly, and so they're like, 307 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,400 Speaker 1: oh my god, my kid is screaming in the grocery 308 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:06,199 Speaker 1: store noticin Yeah, I mean, and that's the question you 309 00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:08,919 Speaker 1: know to turn to parents out there. I mean, is 310 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,199 Speaker 1: that is that something that comes up when you're talking 311 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,760 Speaker 1: to other parents? Although I have a feeling that might 312 00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,800 Speaker 1: be more of like a quiet secret that you keep 313 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:18,200 Speaker 1: to yourself that you wish you could give your child. 314 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:21,159 Speaker 1: An anti temper tantrum pill would not be magical. I 315 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:24,359 Speaker 1: would like to take. I would take an adult temper 316 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:27,240 Speaker 1: anti temper tantrum pill, you know, t again so that 317 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:31,680 Speaker 1: I wouldn't have to cry and Trader Joe's anymore exactly. Yeah, 318 00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:34,800 Speaker 1: I would like to have a double dose anytime I move, 319 00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:37,879 Speaker 1: because that's the last time I threw like a major, 320 00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:41,520 Speaker 1: major fit, and I just I just kind of I 321 00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:43,840 Speaker 1: did the silent thing, like I just stopped everything I 322 00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:45,719 Speaker 1: was doing and turned around and looked at my mother 323 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:47,080 Speaker 1: and just started crying and kind of put my head 324 00:18:47,119 --> 00:18:49,280 Speaker 1: on her shoulder. It happens to me too, you know, 325 00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:52,600 Speaker 1: And that when the when the prefrontal cortext kind of 326 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:54,920 Speaker 1: shuts down for a second, they're like, we're going to 327 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:58,240 Speaker 1: take a little break in the cortisol. The cortisol spikes. 328 00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:01,280 Speaker 1: You just sometimes you just need to um. And the 329 00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:04,760 Speaker 1: thing is, temper tantrums will also, as you hinted at earlier, 330 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:09,840 Speaker 1: Caroline role background not so surprising during the teen years, 331 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:14,800 Speaker 1: because speaking of the PFC, it goes through yet another 332 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:18,640 Speaker 1: growth spurt in the brain. It does. San Diego State 333 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:22,520 Speaker 1: University neurologists found that right around the time the puberty starts, 334 00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:26,840 Speaker 1: kids actually lose the ability to quickly recognize other people's emotions. 335 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:30,919 Speaker 1: So all of a sudden, around age eleven, everything's confusing. 336 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:34,119 Speaker 1: Social situations are awkward, You don't you're not thinking as 337 00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:38,240 Speaker 1: much about what other people are thinking, and it starts 338 00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:40,480 Speaker 1: to get better, Like the little fraggles in your brain 339 00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:44,600 Speaker 1: are like sticking everything back together in the prefrontal prefrontal 340 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:47,440 Speaker 1: cortex that they have just remodeled. And by the time 341 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,400 Speaker 1: you're eighteen and ready to go off to college, you're 342 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:54,000 Speaker 1: relatively speaking back to normal. But it takes eighteen years 343 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:58,919 Speaker 1: for the PFC to really mature. And that's uh. I 344 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,879 Speaker 1: think it's really fast inating that the one one piece 345 00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:05,960 Speaker 1: of your brain that controls so much social behavior is 346 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,959 Speaker 1: under construction for so long, Like you think the evolution 347 00:20:09,119 --> 00:20:12,520 Speaker 1: could have maybe, I don't know, done something to just 348 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,760 Speaker 1: being that process up so that we don't have to 349 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:19,240 Speaker 1: go through so many phases of being just jerks when 350 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:23,240 Speaker 1: we're under age. And also take into account to not 351 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:27,280 Speaker 1: only do you have this brain remodeling going on during 352 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:31,280 Speaker 1: the teen years, but also hello, puberty hormones. Could the 353 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:35,280 Speaker 1: world be more confusing? And you have words, which means 354 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,919 Speaker 1: that you then therefore have an explanation for why so 355 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:45,560 Speaker 1: much bad poetry exists. In my high school diaries, I 356 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:48,800 Speaker 1: wrote terrible poetry, and it was all my gs cities website, 357 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:53,320 Speaker 1: and that stuff was eliminated to the cities. You didn't 358 00:20:53,359 --> 00:20:55,960 Speaker 1: even give me a chance to archive it. Yeah. Mine, 359 00:20:56,160 --> 00:21:00,159 Speaker 1: mine is fortunately or or unfortunately, I don't know, as 360 00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:06,679 Speaker 1: archived in hard copies of diaries and yeah, just volumes 361 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:09,720 Speaker 1: of sad poetry. Yeah. Well, I I just thought the 362 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,800 Speaker 1: link was so interesting because I never really thought of 363 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:15,400 Speaker 1: the teenage years as another temper tantrum phase. I mean, 364 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,440 Speaker 1: I just thought, you know, kids are jerks. What do 365 00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:20,080 Speaker 1: you think about teen angst and teen rebellion. Yeah, it's 366 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:23,520 Speaker 1: because nothing is making sense to them anymore. Everything's confusing. 367 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:26,439 Speaker 1: They're growing up, they're all hormonal. They like people, they 368 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:29,199 Speaker 1: have crushes, and they just can't figure stuff out. And 369 00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:32,439 Speaker 1: you know, parents just don't understand. They don't they don't understand. 370 00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:34,520 Speaker 1: They don't understand that. Yeah, you have all of that 371 00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:37,720 Speaker 1: going on, and the expectations for how they should be, 372 00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:40,239 Speaker 1: you know, teens should be more responsible for themselves, and 373 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:43,639 Speaker 1: rightly so, but still that can that can certainly be 374 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:46,640 Speaker 1: a lot, At least it was for me. Well yeah, 375 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:48,359 Speaker 1: and I mean they've got the whole impulse of behavior 376 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:50,919 Speaker 1: thing going on. You know, the poor decision making skills 377 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:52,800 Speaker 1: and all that stuff. So it's it's like you have 378 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:57,560 Speaker 1: a toddler again, and that's the toddler that can drive 379 00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:02,440 Speaker 1: to how about that? So this this time this this 380 00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:07,600 Speaker 1: episode can be alternately titled how to terrify anyone who's 381 00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:10,879 Speaker 1: thinking about about having a child from having a child. 382 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:13,520 Speaker 1: It is terrifying, but at least it's comforting to know 383 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:16,960 Speaker 1: that it's normal and natural. And yeah, some kids might 384 00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:20,480 Speaker 1: be more prone to have like horrific temper tantrums. I 385 00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:25,240 Speaker 1: will not name any children. Alright, alright, doorstop, alright, doorstop. 386 00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:30,600 Speaker 1: Uh yeah, I was just gonna not mention that again. Um, 387 00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:33,280 Speaker 1: but it is a normal part of childhood. And you 388 00:22:33,359 --> 00:22:35,480 Speaker 1: might have a very happy baby who grows into a 389 00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:37,320 Speaker 1: very happy toddler who just happens to have a bunch 390 00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:41,040 Speaker 1: of meltdowns. Yeah. Yeah, and yeah, in a way, writing 391 00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:43,520 Speaker 1: it was it was relieving because it does give and 392 00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:47,679 Speaker 1: offer an explanation for behavior that is usually you know, 393 00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:50,600 Speaker 1: you get the finger wag from people saying, you know, 394 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:53,760 Speaker 1: quiet down your toddler. Yeah, well, so okay, you get 395 00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:56,480 Speaker 1: a good year after they're born. You get a good year, 396 00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:59,359 Speaker 1: and then you get like three or so years of 397 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:04,320 Speaker 1: just awful and then about seven of pretty good. Yeah, 398 00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:06,840 Speaker 1: and then they're off of college, so no more worries. 399 00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:11,000 Speaker 1: Really we should write a parenting guy should I'll put 400 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:15,840 Speaker 1: that up pampoo. So that is how temper tantrums work. 401 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:20,000 Speaker 1: It's all about the prefrontal cortex and cortisol and it's 402 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:24,080 Speaker 1: totally normal behavior, although of course if it gets too 403 00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:27,280 Speaker 1: bad then you could have some kind of disorder on 404 00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:30,160 Speaker 1: your hand, or like you said, the underlying signs of 405 00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:35,000 Speaker 1: learning disabilities or hearing problems, things like that. So now 406 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:37,760 Speaker 1: it's tiging to turn it over to our parents out there. 407 00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:41,120 Speaker 1: How do you deal with temper tantrums? I mean, are 408 00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:44,280 Speaker 1: we making it seem like no big deal? Are we 409 00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:47,840 Speaker 1: oversimplifying this thing? Um? Do you get judged by parents 410 00:23:48,119 --> 00:23:51,840 Speaker 1: or other people in public if your child hasn't meltdown? 411 00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:55,800 Speaker 1: Let us know your thoughts. Mom. Stuff at Discovery dot 412 00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:58,120 Speaker 1: com is where you can send all of your letters 413 00:23:58,119 --> 00:24:00,800 Speaker 1: and stories that we would love to hear. And in 414 00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:05,560 Speaker 1: the meantime, I've got a letter here from Cynthia on 415 00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:08,280 Speaker 1: a podcast we did a while ago on do Doctors 416 00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:14,119 Speaker 1: Listen to Women? Now? Cynthia's story is pretty epic, So 417 00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:16,719 Speaker 1: I'll give you. I'll give you the nuts and bolts, 418 00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:19,320 Speaker 1: all right. So she's about nineteen years old. She says, 419 00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:22,080 Speaker 1: I visited a new doctor after moving to a new state, 420 00:24:22,119 --> 00:24:24,359 Speaker 1: and upon looking at my history before he'd even spoken 421 00:24:24,359 --> 00:24:28,600 Speaker 1: to me, he diagnosed me with polycystic ovarian syndrome. He 422 00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:32,240 Speaker 1: stuck with his diagnosis even after an internal ultrasound refuted 423 00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:37,680 Speaker 1: his conclusion and looked no further. But her health problems 424 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:42,000 Speaker 1: continued and she said I want to see a doctor 425 00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:45,080 Speaker 1: for cluster headaches. She decided that I had allergic signing 426 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:47,600 Speaker 1: side us and sent me home with some antibiotics and 427 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:50,360 Speaker 1: an allergy medication. When a few days later I could 428 00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:52,879 Speaker 1: barely even open my eyes and called her office in 429 00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:55,159 Speaker 1: an attempt to get an m R. I referral. After 430 00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:58,840 Speaker 1: arguing with her entire staff until I got to her personally, 431 00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:02,160 Speaker 1: and after some more arguing, I had my referral. It 432 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:05,119 Speaker 1: turned out that I had a gigantic brain humor and 433 00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:08,159 Speaker 1: a prognosis of six week weeks to live if it 434 00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:11,239 Speaker 1: went untreated. I was transferred to a different hospital via 435 00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:14,719 Speaker 1: ambulance from emergency surgery. I am now going on thirty 436 00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:18,479 Speaker 1: three and on disability, but very much alive now at 437 00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:21,000 Speaker 1: nearly thirty four. I advocate on behalf of others when 438 00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:23,560 Speaker 1: I can, and take any opportunity which presents itself to 439 00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:26,920 Speaker 1: remind people that their doctor is their employee, not God, 440 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:29,040 Speaker 1: and that they the patient, are in charge and get 441 00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:32,080 Speaker 1: to decide when they're satisfied with a diagnosis and when 442 00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:35,800 Speaker 1: enough diagnostics have been done. It's incredibly important that women 443 00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:39,159 Speaker 1: be more vocal and remember who is paying whom be 444 00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:43,640 Speaker 1: your own advocate. So scary story from Cynthia, and I'm 445 00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:46,680 Speaker 1: glad to hear that she is doing better. Okay, this 446 00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:51,000 Speaker 1: is from Angela about our Sex Talk podcast. She said 447 00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:53,160 Speaker 1: that during this episode, you made the comment that perhaps 448 00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:55,160 Speaker 1: it's easier to talk to your mom than your dad 449 00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:57,600 Speaker 1: if you're a girl. But from my personal experience, I 450 00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:59,840 Speaker 1: had a much easier time talking to my father rather 451 00:25:59,880 --> 00:26:02,840 Speaker 1: than my mother. My mother never actually had the talk 452 00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:04,800 Speaker 1: with me. When I hit twelve, she gave me these 453 00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:08,080 Speaker 1: books that were published in nineteen that discussed how the 454 00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:11,520 Speaker 1: human body matured, how girls had their periods, what happened 455 00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:15,040 Speaker 1: to boys and sex. I learned through these outdated books 456 00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:17,040 Speaker 1: and from school, I was afraid of the whole thing, 457 00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:18,920 Speaker 1: and I never went to my mom. My mom had 458 00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:21,320 Speaker 1: me before she turned nineteen, so I wonder if that's 459 00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:23,639 Speaker 1: what made her afraid. I started my period at my 460 00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:26,240 Speaker 1: father's house. My stepmother tried, but it was my dad 461 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:28,680 Speaker 1: who told me that it was okay, that I wasn't sick, 462 00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:30,359 Speaker 1: that it was natural, and then it just meant that 463 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:32,520 Speaker 1: I was growing up. He explained what it was for, 464 00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:34,840 Speaker 1: and then eventually, when I wanted it to, I could 465 00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:38,320 Speaker 1: probably have kids because of having my period. Fast forward 466 00:26:38,359 --> 00:26:40,480 Speaker 1: to when I had a boyfriend. My dad is the 467 00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:42,159 Speaker 1: one who asked me how far I was getting with 468 00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:44,840 Speaker 1: him and whether we were approaching sex. I was frank 469 00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:46,800 Speaker 1: and forward with him, and my dad basically warned me 470 00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:48,560 Speaker 1: that if I wanted to, it was fine, just to 471 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:50,879 Speaker 1: protect myself, but he also told me that if I 472 00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:53,040 Speaker 1: didn't want to for whatever reason, then I should stick 473 00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:55,199 Speaker 1: to that and do it was best for me. When 474 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:57,320 Speaker 1: the big event finally did happen, my dad was the 475 00:26:57,320 --> 00:26:59,880 Speaker 1: first one to figure it out. He trusted my decision. 476 00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:01,880 Speaker 1: The knew that I trusted the guy who is now 477 00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:04,359 Speaker 1: my husband. So despite the fact that there was this 478 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,760 Speaker 1: awkwardness talking to my dad, I'm grateful that I had 479 00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:09,400 Speaker 1: that sounding board. My husband didn't have one and found 480 00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:11,640 Speaker 1: it very difficult to approach this topic for the first 481 00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:14,800 Speaker 1: time with every girlfriend he's had. So thanks to everybody 482 00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:17,760 Speaker 1: who's written in mom Stuff at Discovery dot Com is 483 00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:20,320 Speaker 1: where you can send your letters, and you can also 484 00:27:20,760 --> 00:27:22,960 Speaker 1: find us on Facebook, where I would also like to 485 00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:28,560 Speaker 1: thank everyone who pushed us over the ten thousand fandom mark. 486 00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:34,840 Speaker 1: That was very exciting. That's that's crowds cheering, not just 487 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:38,000 Speaker 1: us breathing. I mean it is. And you can also 488 00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:41,439 Speaker 1: follow us on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast, and you 489 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:46,200 Speaker 1: can read how Temper Tantrum's work by me Kristen Gager 490 00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:51,960 Speaker 1: at how stuff works dot com for more on this 491 00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:54,680 Speaker 1: and thousands of other topics. Is it how stuff works 492 00:27:54,680 --> 00:28:01,600 Speaker 1: dot com brought to you by the re invented two 493 00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:04,040 Speaker 1: thousand twelve Camri. It's ready, are you