Speaker 1: Welcome to Can't Believe Reckless, the production of Our Heart
Speaker 1: Radio and the Black Effects, and just like that, we're
Speaker 1: back on the air. Welcome back to yet another carefully
Speaker 1: reckless episode with your girl just hilarious. Listen. I've been
Speaker 1: busy for the past two weeks, y'all. I know, I
Speaker 1: know you're gonna kick my ass, but that's why we
Speaker 1: got a really really good episode for y'all today. Between filming,
Speaker 1: between traveling in between shooting Reckless discussions and switching from
Speaker 1: this agent to this agent and then all good problems.
Speaker 1: But I've been super duper busy, and I'm sorry for
Speaker 1: the abandonment. I'm so sorry for the abandonment. All right,
Speaker 1: but I'm back, y'all. We're gonna jump right in. I'm
Speaker 1: fixing mess. Here we go. So just me and this guy.
Speaker 1: We dated for a year and a half on and off,
Speaker 1: and last year when we dated, we left off on
Speaker 1: really bad terms. I started to notice a lot of
Speaker 1: red ass about him towards the end of the relationship,
Speaker 1: and um, it got so messy that he broke my
Speaker 1: back car window and well shattered it. I didn't have
Speaker 1: a window back there, so he shattered it and he
Speaker 1: tried to break in my apartment, so it got so messy.
Speaker 1: We end up going our separate ways, did not speak
Speaker 1: to each other for five months, and throughout those whole
Speaker 1: five months, I was feeling hurt. I missed him. You know.
Speaker 1: It would be times where, you know, I would dream
Speaker 1: about him, you know, and I'm like, why am I
Speaker 1: missing this guy when he put me through this bullshit.
Speaker 1: Let's fast forward to May of this year. We're gonna
Speaker 1: call him See. So she ends up reaching out to
Speaker 1: me on Instagram and we end up reconnecting and becoming
Speaker 1: good friends. Now, in the beginning, I was very hesitant,
Speaker 1: and I have my guard up all the way, and
Speaker 1: I know that he noticed that because he would always
Speaker 1: bring that up. But while me and see You were
Speaker 1: working on a friendship, I also had another guy friend
Speaker 1: on the side that I had been speaking to for
Speaker 1: three months. Let's call him BE. So we're gonna call
Speaker 1: him Be. She knew about B. She knew that, you know,
Speaker 1: I was talking to BE or I had a guy
Speaker 1: friend on the side, So I made that clear from
Speaker 1: the beginning so he won't think, you know, hey, I'm
Speaker 1: trying to get back with you. So eventually she got
Speaker 1: tired of it. He got tired of me seeing this
Speaker 1: other guy. He didn't like the fact that, you know,
Speaker 1: I was seeing another person. You know, he didn't like that.
Speaker 1: So he decided to tell me one day, guy, I
Speaker 1: don't care what you say, I'm gonna have you again.
Speaker 1: And I laughed it off. I was like, boy, you crazy. Whatever,
Speaker 1: those days are over. So eventually she started to do
Speaker 1: things for me romantically, started doing things he didn't do
Speaker 1: before when we dated, and I'm like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: he really changed, Like this guy really wants me, he
Speaker 1: really cares about me. And then my feelings started to
Speaker 1: get really stronger and I couldn't help myself at that point.
Speaker 1: So eventually things that I would find attractive about Be
Speaker 1: started to become very annoying to me or very irritating,
Speaker 1: like things that he would do, And I thought to myself,
Speaker 1: I told myself, I need to come to a conclusion.
Speaker 1: I need to tell BE about C because this is
Speaker 1: where my heart lies. It lies with C. And you know,
Speaker 1: it did hurt me to let him know, but he
Speaker 1: was very understanding because he had been in that situation before,
Speaker 1: so he was a good friend about that. Eventually, me
Speaker 1: and Ce end up becoming a couple again, me and c.
Speaker 1: His relationship started to become really good. You know. I
Speaker 1: started to hang around his family more. He has a
Speaker 1: two year old daughter. I started to see her more.
Speaker 1: You know. He started to open up to me more.
Speaker 1: You know, he even spoke to me about, you know,
Speaker 1: having a family with me, and he showed me things
Speaker 1: that he didn't show me before when we were together
Speaker 1: last year. So I felt like this was real, you know,
Speaker 1: and I started to fall deeply in love with this man.
Speaker 1: And that's when the red flag started to show. He
Speaker 1: started becoming possessive and controlling. It was getting out of hand,
Speaker 1: and I felt like he started to test me at
Speaker 1: times to see how I would react to certain situations.
Speaker 1: Over time, the red flag started to get worse, you know,
Speaker 1: way worse than last year. Things got abusive. It's like
Speaker 1: he would be a narcissist, but he would try to
Speaker 1: be there for me at the same time, you know.
Speaker 1: And it was confusing because it was a roller coaster.
Speaker 1: One minute, he wants to motivate me, you know, he
Speaker 1: makes me feel like I'm the world. Then the next
Speaker 1: minute he puts me down and tossed his ship about me,
Speaker 1: and cheat told me and abuses me, And it was
Speaker 1: a roller coaster. I did not know what to do
Speaker 1: because I was so deeply in love with this man,
Speaker 1: like I was everywhere. I was a mess. Just I
Speaker 1: started to have so much hope in our relationship and
Speaker 1: for this man that I even you know, I would
Speaker 1: pray every day for our relationship to heal and for
Speaker 1: him to become a better man. And I even went
Speaker 1: as far as speaking to a psychic about our relationship
Speaker 1: to see where our love lies with each other and
Speaker 1: to see what the future holds between us, you know.
Speaker 1: And I had to come to a conclusion, Kay, you
Speaker 1: need to let this go. You need to let it go.
Speaker 1: He has to change his own You cannot change a
Speaker 1: man no matter what you do, no matter how good
Speaker 1: you treat him, He's still going to act up unless
Speaker 1: he wants to change for himself. So eventually I got
Speaker 1: sick and tired of the bullshit. I got tired of
Speaker 1: the cheating, the abusive ways, the line. I wanted to
Speaker 1: give up on the relationship, even though um I still
Speaker 1: had my hope in him. I wanted to see him
Speaker 1: get better as a man before I could be with
Speaker 1: him any longer. So I did what I had to do,
Speaker 1: you know, I left the relationship, and of course that
Speaker 1: caused problems. Of course, he did not like that, he
Speaker 1: did not want that, he did not want to accept that.
Speaker 1: So he started to get out of line and he
Speaker 1: tried to be abusive with me once again. Tried to
Speaker 1: hit me, tried to dog down on me, tried to
Speaker 1: say the most coolest thing said you could ever think
Speaker 1: of somebody saying to you. I don't even want to
Speaker 1: say it because it's so disturbing, but he would not
Speaker 1: let me leave. It got so bad that when I
Speaker 1: tried to leave and he noticed, he tried to fake
Speaker 1: an overdose. He had um bought some xanax and he
Speaker 1: wanted attention. He wanted to manipulate me, and he called
Speaker 1: the ambulance to come pick him up and was trying
Speaker 1: to say, oh, I'm gonna overdose, and it was so wrong.
Speaker 1: I'm like, you're so sick, you don't even know. And
Speaker 1: when I had the chance to leave this man, I
Speaker 1: ran and I never looked back. I never looked back.
Speaker 1: And I will say he reached out to me about
Speaker 1: five times since then, and I never reached back out
Speaker 1: to him. I blocked him on everything, and yes I
Speaker 1: did contact the police after all of this happened. I
Speaker 1: did contact the police, but I have to wake up
Speaker 1: out of a trance. I had to wake up and
Speaker 1: tell myself, Kyle, you deserve better. No woman should ever
Speaker 1: go through this ever, and I just had to wake up.
Speaker 1: But being the caring person that I am, no matter
Speaker 1: if you hurt me, I will still want better for you.
Speaker 1: And I guess since I've gotten older, I became more
Speaker 1: forgiving of people. And no matter how hard I tried
Speaker 1: to be cold hearted towards him, I can't seem to
Speaker 1: have that heart towards him. I still want him to
Speaker 1: get better for himself, and I hate that about myself.
Speaker 1: And yet I'm still traumatized a little bit after the
Speaker 1: situation because now that I'm mingling with people, it's like
Speaker 1: they see my self worth and my potential more than
Speaker 1: I see my own potential and self worth because of
Speaker 1: the situation that I was in, and it's gonna get better.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna make that better because now I know not
Speaker 1: to let a man determine my value myself worth. I
Speaker 1: will never make that mistake again. I'm so happy that
Speaker 1: I'm out of that situation. I'm so glad that I
Speaker 1: can move forward with my life and I hope he
Speaker 1: gets better. But until then, I'm focused on me healing me.
Speaker 1: I'm not looking forward to another relationship because I feel
Speaker 1: like I'm not ready for it at all. Okay, all right,
Speaker 1: so that was a pretty long one. But what I
Speaker 1: love about your story, guy, is you know you don't
Speaker 1: need any advice. I have just a little bit for you,
Speaker 1: but you don't. You got out of there. Listen, this
Speaker 1: story is far too common. It's way too common, meaning
Speaker 1: it happens a lot more than we think. You are
Speaker 1: not the only one that has gone through that. You
Speaker 1: are not the only one that's still traumatized by a
Speaker 1: narcissist ex boyfriend. You were with him for a year,
Speaker 1: then you took a break, you started talking to someone else.
Speaker 1: You told him that you started talking to someone else.
Speaker 1: He couldn't handle it, so he found a way to
Speaker 1: get back in. That's what narcissists do. They're very methodical.
Speaker 1: His method was to show I'm gonna show her everything
Speaker 1: that she's wanted me to do. I can do it
Speaker 1: everything that she glorifies in the man I'm gonna do
Speaker 1: that I'm gonna treat her the best. I'm going to
Speaker 1: build her up, and as time goes on, they still
Speaker 1: will show who they are, because one thing a narcissist
Speaker 1: will do is paint a perfect picture. That's manipulation. They'll
Speaker 1: paint the perfect picture right, and they'll act right for
Speaker 1: a while, but then they will soon reveal who they
Speaker 1: really are. And if someone is showing you who they are,
Speaker 1: you have to believe them. You cannot think that you
Speaker 1: can ever change someone. You can help someone evolve, but
Speaker 1: you cannot change anyone. It's up to them. He's very
Speaker 1: systematic on how he did it. Narcissists they create these systems,
Speaker 1: these ways that they can manipulate people, you know, women,
Speaker 1: female or whatever to get whatever they want. And he
Speaker 1: got you back. That's what he wanted. He wanted to
Speaker 1: have you back, especially after you told him you wanted
Speaker 1: someone else. That was a recipe for a disaster. In
Speaker 1: his eyes, He's like, oh, hell no, nobody's ever gonna
Speaker 1: treat her like I treat her, So let me give
Speaker 1: her a better version of myself to lure her back in.
Speaker 1: And I'm not gonna do anything but build her up
Speaker 1: and tell her to funk back down, because it won't
Speaker 1: be long until I show these flags again, before I
Speaker 1: show these signs again, before I fucking put my hands
Speaker 1: on her, before he's obsessed with you. He wants to
Speaker 1: control you. You left the other guy alone because all
Speaker 1: you wanted was for that one person to act right,
Speaker 1: and that's what he showed with you. This pattern is
Speaker 1: all so calmon. This pattern happens too. Maybe don't quote me,
Speaker 1: but maybe to what eight out of ten women? This
Speaker 1: is how it always happens. Women do this to men
Speaker 1: as well. You don't really need much advice. Only thing
Speaker 1: you need now moving forward is motivation and self love,
Speaker 1: and honestly, therapy would help you. Even in your tone
Speaker 1: when you're talking to me, when you sent in the
Speaker 1: voice notes and I'm hearing you, you sound like you're crying.
Speaker 1: You sound like this is still extremely hard for you
Speaker 1: to even talk about. You understand what I'm saying. So
Speaker 1: it has affected you and it's still affecting you. And
Speaker 1: I'm glad that you even came clean and said that.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm still traumatized. I notice when I mingle
Speaker 1: now people see more potential in me than I've even
Speaker 1: seen it myself. Yes, because you let this man break
Speaker 1: you down. You let this man pull you down and
Speaker 1: make you hit rock bottom, and it's like it's only
Speaker 1: one way but up. And I absolutely love the transparency.
Speaker 1: I love it that nigga need help himself. That guy
Speaker 1: needs counseling. He needs to see a therapist. He needs
Speaker 1: to be in jail a little bit. You know, you
Speaker 1: asked me, he needs to be away from the motherfucking public.
Speaker 1: You're faking overdoses and ship and all of that, Like
Speaker 1: that's that's too much. But that's something in his own mind.
Speaker 1: It trust me, it's not you. It has nothing to
Speaker 1: do with you, because he would do it to someone
Speaker 1: else as well. I feel like his issues are abandonment.
Speaker 1: I don't know what his childhood was like. Did you
Speaker 1: get to know that a lot of our childhood is
Speaker 1: what makes us, what helps us evolve into who we
Speaker 1: are today. Not in every case, but most of the
Speaker 1: time it is. Your childhood has an effect on you
Speaker 1: for the rest of your life, whether it be a
Speaker 1: good or bad childhood, whether it was so so, whether
Speaker 1: you were poor, whether you were beaten, whether you know whatever.
Speaker 1: I feel that he has a serious issue with abandonment.
Speaker 1: He didn't want you to leave. He would fake overdose
Speaker 1: all that ship. He didn't want you to get out
Speaker 1: of there on him. You know. It just seems like
Speaker 1: he had to have you with him, and while you
Speaker 1: were with him, he had to control you as well.
Speaker 1: It's sad, but it's a very common thing. Yes, I
Speaker 1: hope that he actually moved on to get help. I
Speaker 1: need you to not even miss him. I don't care
Speaker 1: what they say, girl, not even miss him. Now. You
Speaker 1: said you left and you didn't look back, and you ran,
Speaker 1: you got the help out of there. But you did
Speaker 1: that a year ago as well, So we don't want
Speaker 1: to step and repeat, you know, we don't want a
Speaker 1: new cycle of that. Because he knows you, he knows
Speaker 1: what to say to get under your skin. He knows,
Speaker 1: he knows. But the only way to let someone break
Speaker 1: you down is if you give them everything to like.
Speaker 1: You give them all the key to your heart, your life,
Speaker 1: your mind. And you gave him all that before. Don't
Speaker 1: make that mistake again because you're now in a stage
Speaker 1: where you're trying to learn your self worth. Don't go backwards.
Speaker 1: Check in with me, babe. I appreciate you. Hold up,
Speaker 1: Hold up, I know the ship getting good. But listen
Speaker 1: to just a couple of seconds of a commercial. If
Speaker 1: you love me, you'll listen. Okay, next, Hey, Jess, I
Speaker 1: am back to get some more of your advice. This
Speaker 1: is a totally new situation and I just love the
Speaker 1: advice that you give. You keep it really, keep it
Speaker 1: a hunted. So yeah, basically, I work with a man
Speaker 1: that is he's forty three years old. I'm twenty eight
Speaker 1: years old. We don't see each other that often while working.
Speaker 1: We're kind of like in two different departments, but whenever
Speaker 1: we pass each other, we always say hi or have
Speaker 1: like a brief conversation. I've always kind of felt like
Speaker 1: a small chemistry, but it was never anything deep or anything,
Speaker 1: so I never even like paid it any mind. I've
Speaker 1: always was like attracted to him. But yeah, so this
Speaker 1: past Friday, he and I were able to have a
Speaker 1: longer conversation. I found out that he has three kids,
Speaker 1: one eighteen and fourteen. And he asked me, like my age,
Speaker 1: and then he mentioned like, oh yeah, woman mature faster.
Speaker 1: He asked me, like, what do I like to do
Speaker 1: around the city. He asked me if I was still
Speaker 1: with my child's father. He mentioned like he, you know,
Speaker 1: has a relationship with God. Yeah. So it was a
Speaker 1: longer conversation, but not anything too deep. He did not
Speaker 1: have a ring on his finger, and so I assume
Speaker 1: that he's single. However, moving forward, basically, he asked if
Speaker 1: I had his number and I said I did from
Speaker 1: a previous situation of an encounter with him. And then
Speaker 1: later on that day he texted me he said, I
Speaker 1: really enjoy speaking with you. I replied I enjoy speaking
Speaker 1: with you too. He then texas, hopefully we can chat
Speaker 1: some more sometime soon. At that point, I didn't really
Speaker 1: know which way to go, so I ended up asking
Speaker 1: a friend like, what do you think I should stay back?
Speaker 1: You know, I'm kind of a little dusty in the game.
Speaker 1: But basically my friend was like, go ahead and like
Speaker 1: put the ball in his court, say you know, we
Speaker 1: can chat this weekend or whatever. So I ended up texting,
Speaker 1: we can chat this weekend if you're free. He did
Speaker 1: not reply after that, and he also did not hit
Speaker 1: me up all weekend. So my question is, do you
Speaker 1: think that's a red flag? Is it too soon to
Speaker 1: assume anything, because honestly, my mind goes straight to, oh,
Speaker 1: he has somebody at home. This is why he hasn't
Speaker 1: texted me yet. Mind you, I'm probably going to see
Speaker 1: him tomorrow. So am I going to keep it cordial
Speaker 1: and just give it a quick hi and buy? Or
Speaker 1: am I bringing this up? Like? Yo, what's up? Why
Speaker 1: don't you texting me this weekend? You know? Communication is key? Right?
Speaker 1: Or is it not even worth it? Yes? Let me know, Jess,
Speaker 1: just let me know. I don't know. I feel like
Speaker 1: I'm a little dusty when it comes to this whole
Speaker 1: dating scene. So this is why we have you, hey girl,
Speaker 1: Yes you you already know what I'm gonna say is
Speaker 1: don't say you're a little dusty girl. If it's any
Speaker 1: time to be dusty and dating, it's right now because
Speaker 1: these nigga ain't ship neither all these women, so um um,
Speaker 1: let me let me be professional. Um now. No, it
Speaker 1: all depends on what you want. It depends on exactly
Speaker 1: what you want. Do you want to date? Are you
Speaker 1: looking for something serious? Do you want just a partner,
Speaker 1: a sexual partner? Do you want someone that you just
Speaker 1: want to go to the movies with, bullshit with? Do
Speaker 1: you want someone just to be in communication with, just
Speaker 1: to hold your attention long? Enough to you figure out
Speaker 1: what it actually is that you do want. You know,
Speaker 1: because it's okay to not know exactly what you want.
Speaker 1: What makes it not okay is when you demand something
Speaker 1: from somebody else not even knowing what you want. You know,
Speaker 1: that's the difference. I've made these mistakes plenty of times
Speaker 1: and my life time. You know, I'll have a list
Speaker 1: of demands. You know, as a woman, you know, we
Speaker 1: do it all the time. You know, I'm not a man.
Speaker 1: I can't speak for them. I'm sure it's a humanistic thing,
Speaker 1: but I've done it, you know, I've had my list
Speaker 1: of demands, like, oh, this guy need to have this
Speaker 1: and didn't need to have this. You need to know
Speaker 1: what you want. I want this, I want this way,
Speaker 1: and I don't even know what I want. You may
Speaker 1: think you want to be in love. That's a whole
Speaker 1: another ballgame. People are not ready for. You're not ready
Speaker 1: for the downs of love. You're ready for the ups
Speaker 1: of love. But love ain't always fun, Love is not
Speaker 1: always kind. There are trials and tribulations with anything, So
Speaker 1: are you ready for that? At first you have to
Speaker 1: ask yourself that question, what do I want? And then
Speaker 1: you work with him, So you have to kind of
Speaker 1: tread a little lightly because I know that you know
Speaker 1: you know what I'm about to say that no fraternization
Speaker 1: policies and all that type of ship. Not even only
Speaker 1: that in a legal sense, I mean just personally, say
Speaker 1: you're dealing with somebody that you're working with. You see
Speaker 1: this man every day at work. Obviously, say if it
Speaker 1: don't go right, you will still see this man every day.
Speaker 1: So when it comes to relationship, ships and matters of
Speaker 1: the heart with people that you work with, it's very
Speaker 1: easy to complicate things when you work with a person.
Speaker 1: But that's not me telling you you should not date him. Now,
Speaker 1: I think you should say something about it. Yes can.
Speaker 1: Communication is key and I preached this every single week
Speaker 1: and carefully reckless as well as reckless discussions. Communication is key,
Speaker 1: like in any situation, whether it be friendship, family ship, relationship,
Speaker 1: from child to parents, from boss to staff, colleague to colleague, whatever.
Speaker 1: Communication is everything, from preacher to the people sitting in
Speaker 1: the views. Everything starts with communication, from doctor to patient.
Speaker 1: If you get what I'm saying, everything, So I think
Speaker 1: you should be honest and telling how you felt. I
Speaker 1: don't think it's too early to ask questions. I really
Speaker 1: don't because mostly how it starts is how it ends.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. If you think he's hiding
Speaker 1: the fact that he has a wife or a girlfriend
Speaker 1: or dating or anything, I think you should just be
Speaker 1: upfront with him. And I think that looks like this, Hey,
Speaker 1: I text you um Friday. I didn't get a text
Speaker 1: from you all weekend. I had some free time. If
Speaker 1: you wanted to go get some meat or something, If
Speaker 1: you just in case, you wanted to see me outside
Speaker 1: of work, do you have a girlfriend or something that
Speaker 1: I should be worried about or something like that, you
Speaker 1: could ask just like that. It can be very casual.
Speaker 1: It could be you know, very reserved. You know you
Speaker 1: don't have to so what you got bitch alum or
Speaker 1: you know you don't have to be that way unless
Speaker 1: that's your personality and he knows that, you know. But
Speaker 1: I think it's just a simple question and you're gonna
Speaker 1: receive a simple answer. Now, however you feel about his response,
Speaker 1: whether that be a lie or the truth, that's how
Speaker 1: you make your decision on moving forward. But no, I
Speaker 1: think the first thing is just first put into perspective
Speaker 1: what it looks like that you want, like, what do
Speaker 1: you want? You know? And then but I think whether
Speaker 1: you want to be with this thing or not, whether
Speaker 1: you want to talk to this man or not, I
Speaker 1: think that you should still ask him about going the
Speaker 1: whole weekend without talking to you, because it sounds like
Speaker 1: that to me too. It sounds like he got somebody
Speaker 1: out and he just wants to have a little work fling,
Speaker 1: you know, because you see you every day and you
Speaker 1: probably be looking good, you know what I'm saying, And
Speaker 1: I think that's what it is. Yes, yes, And the
Speaker 1: fact that he told you, oh, women mature faster than men. Okay,
Speaker 1: that's a disclaimer for something. Sorry, what then are you
Speaker 1: trying to tell me? Huh huh okay, because usually it's
Speaker 1: a woman saying that to you, not a man. So
Speaker 1: check back in with me, beautiful. I thank you so
Speaker 1: much for reaching out again. You got um advice for
Speaker 1: me before with something, and I want to say thank you.
Speaker 1: And as many times as you need me, definitely come back.
Speaker 1: It does not matter. And just like that, we've come
Speaker 1: to the end of another carefully reckless episode with your girl.
Speaker 1: Just hilarious. Make sure you tune in, make sure you're
Speaker 1: sending your stories once again, Guys, you can send in
Speaker 1: voice notes, whatever makes you feel more comfortable, because sometimes
Speaker 1: it's a lot to type, and a lot of y'all
Speaker 1: be trying to get me your story so fast, like
Speaker 1: y'all be, y'all be having hell of typos, so I
Speaker 1: can't really read through a lot of it. If you're
Speaker 1: going to send in words, make sure that you prove
Speaker 1: read because I don't want to skip over your story,
Speaker 1: which may be a good story, and I want to
Speaker 1: help everybody that I can. If you don't prove free to,
Speaker 1: I can't get through it though. So again, I see
Speaker 1: y'all next week, same time, same place. Carefully Reckless is
Speaker 1: a production of I Heart Radio and The Black Effect.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from my Heart Radio, visit the I
Speaker 1: Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to
Speaker 1: your favorite shows.