WEBVTT - How to Communicate So People Actually Listen 0:00:00.040 --> 0:00:02.840 Hey, everyone, Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Thank you 0:00:03.000 --> 0:00:06.080 so much for being here. If you haven't subscribed already, 0:00:06.160 --> 0:00:09.520 make sure you do so you never miss an episode. 0:00:09.880 --> 0:00:14.560 Today is all about how to communicate so people actually listen. 0:00:15.160 --> 0:00:18.560 How many of you feel unheard at work? How many 0:00:18.560 --> 0:00:21.200 of you feel unheard at home? How many of you 0:00:21.239 --> 0:00:23.040 feel like you can never get a word in when 0:00:23.040 --> 0:00:26.840 you're around your friends, or you can't command authority in 0:00:26.920 --> 0:00:30.440 a team meeting. If any of you have struggled with this, 0:00:30.440 --> 0:00:34.600 this episode is for you. After listening to this, you'll 0:00:34.600 --> 0:00:37.360 be able to better articulate how you feel. You'll be 0:00:37.400 --> 0:00:40.479 able to actually make an impact when you speak, and 0:00:40.520 --> 0:00:44.919 you'll know the tools to actually help people listen when 0:00:44.960 --> 0:00:47.920 you decide to open your mouth. Let me start with 0:00:48.000 --> 0:00:52.120 something that might feel uncomfortable. Most of us think we're 0:00:52.159 --> 0:00:55.840 good communicators. We think we're being clear, we think we're 0:00:55.880 --> 0:00:59.600 being honest, we think we're being direct, But the research 0:00:59.680 --> 0:01:04.440 says otherwise. A study from Harvard found that people overestimate 0:01:04.840 --> 0:01:09.760 how clearly they communicate by more than forty percent. In 0:01:09.840 --> 0:01:14.600 other words, we think we're obvious, but other people are confused, defensive, 0:01:14.840 --> 0:01:18.360 or overwhelmed. Think about it. If we were all great 0:01:18.360 --> 0:01:22.960 at communicating, we wouldn't have workplace friction. We wouldn't have 0:01:23.080 --> 0:01:26.080 that argument at home. We wouldn't get triggered when someone 0:01:26.080 --> 0:01:30.840 says anything. It's the reason why texts get misread, meetings 0:01:30.880 --> 0:01:35.880 go in circles, arguments repeat themselves, and people leave conversations 0:01:36.040 --> 0:01:41.600 feeling unheard. Because communication isn't about what you say, It's 0:01:41.640 --> 0:01:46.959 about what lands. Communication isn't about what you meant, it's 0:01:47.000 --> 0:01:51.360 about what they heard. Communication isn't about winning the argument. 0:01:52.160 --> 0:01:58.320 It's about protecting the relationship. Communication isn't about intensity, It's 0:01:58.320 --> 0:02:01.680 about clarity. And today I want to talk about how 0:02:01.680 --> 0:02:05.800 to communicate effectively at work, home, and in life, not 0:02:05.920 --> 0:02:11.760 with scripts, not with tricks, but with principles grounded in psychology, neuroscience, 0:02:11.919 --> 0:02:15.760 and human behavior. If you stay with me, this episode 0:02:16.000 --> 0:02:20.440 will change how people respond to you, how often conflict escalates, 0:02:20.760 --> 0:02:24.320 and how often you feel misunderstood. And I know what 0:02:24.360 --> 0:02:27.959 you're thinking, Jay, I hate difficult conversations. I struggle to 0:02:28.000 --> 0:02:30.639 speak up for myself while you're in the right place. 0:02:31.160 --> 0:02:37.200 Here's the shift that changes everything. Communication is not self expression. 0:02:38.000 --> 0:02:45.680 Communication is shared understanding. Most people communicate from intention. Effective 0:02:45.720 --> 0:02:51.239 communicators communicate from impact. You might intend to be helpful, 0:02:51.880 --> 0:02:55.160 but it might land as critical. You might intend to 0:02:55.200 --> 0:02:58.680 be honest, but it might land as harsh. You might 0:02:58.800 --> 0:03:02.519 intend to be efficient, but in my land is dismissive. 0:03:03.200 --> 0:03:06.840 And the gap between intention and impact is where most 0:03:06.880 --> 0:03:12.840 communication breaks down. So let's close that gap. I'm sure 0:03:12.880 --> 0:03:15.399 so many of you listening right now are thinking, Jay, 0:03:15.480 --> 0:03:17.280 I always want people to feel better. I want to 0:03:17.320 --> 0:03:20.440 make people feel good. I want to share things sensitively, 0:03:20.880 --> 0:03:24.160 but it doesn't always get received that way. Well, let's 0:03:24.160 --> 0:03:30.120 start with principle number one. Regulate before you communicate. Here's 0:03:30.200 --> 0:03:34.960 something most people don't know. You can't communicate well when 0:03:34.960 --> 0:03:41.080 your nervous system is disregulated. Neuroscience shows that when you're stressed, triggered, 0:03:41.160 --> 0:03:46.680 or defensive, blood flow literally shifts away from the prefrontal cortex, 0:03:46.960 --> 0:03:50.640 the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, empathy, and language, 0:03:50.960 --> 0:03:54.880 and it moves toward the amygdala, the part responsible for 0:03:55.040 --> 0:03:59.760 threat and survival. Which means this, when you're activated, you 0:03:59.800 --> 0:04:04.920 don't communicate. You react. That's why emails sound colder than intended. 0:04:05.360 --> 0:04:08.880 That's why arguments escalate so fast. That's why you say 0:04:08.920 --> 0:04:11.400 things and immediately think h I shouldn't have said that. 0:04:12.280 --> 0:04:14.800 Think about this for a moment. When someone says something 0:04:14.840 --> 0:04:19.240 in a meeting and it triggers you, they stole your idea, 0:04:20.480 --> 0:04:24.480 they cut you off, They presented something that you know 0:04:24.920 --> 0:04:30.280 wasn't accurate. They're getting credit. When all of these emotions 0:04:30.279 --> 0:04:33.080 are running through your mind and you choose to speak, 0:04:33.960 --> 0:04:37.599 you're more likely to make yourself look worse than you 0:04:37.640 --> 0:04:40.320 are to make yourself look better. If you don't choose 0:04:40.400 --> 0:04:45.880 to regulate and you react instead of respond effectively, you 0:04:46.200 --> 0:04:50.240 actually create more issues for yourself long term and make 0:04:50.320 --> 0:04:52.720 more people not want to listen to you than when 0:04:52.720 --> 0:04:57.560 you're able to keep your calm. This isn't about emotional bypassing. 0:04:57.640 --> 0:04:59.360 I'm not saying to not worry about it. I'm not 0:04:59.400 --> 0:05:01.920 saying not even to get involved. I'm saying that you 0:05:02.080 --> 0:05:05.040 want to come from a position of strength, not from 0:05:05.080 --> 0:05:11.719 a position of weakness. Effective communicators do something simple but powerful. 0:05:11.920 --> 0:05:16.479 They pause, not to avoid the conversation, but to protect 0:05:16.600 --> 0:05:21.360 the outcome. At work, this looks like not replying immediately 0:05:21.480 --> 0:05:26.080 to a triggering message, drafting the email, then revising it 0:05:26.800 --> 0:05:29.839 at home. This looks like saying I need a minute 0:05:30.200 --> 0:05:35.400 instead of raising your voice. Remember this, the calmest person 0:05:35.440 --> 0:05:41.680 in the conversation sets the emotional temperature. Regulation is not weakness, 0:05:42.360 --> 0:05:45.599 it's leadership. We think if you're quiet or you pause, 0:05:45.960 --> 0:05:50.120 you sound weak. Actually, the most powerful speakers, whether on 0:05:50.160 --> 0:05:53.760 a stage or in a meeting, use pause most effectively 0:05:54.080 --> 0:05:56.920 to draw people in, to get people to lean in, 0:05:57.480 --> 0:06:02.440 to get people to actually listen. It shows a sense 0:06:02.520 --> 0:06:05.840 of self control when people talk at a slower pace, 0:06:05.880 --> 0:06:09.039 when they have the ability to actually hold back on 0:06:09.120 --> 0:06:11.560 that emotion because guess what everyone thought you were about 0:06:11.560 --> 0:06:15.039 to respond emotionally, and in that moment, If you're able 0:06:15.080 --> 0:06:18.760 to pull back so that you can actually respond from 0:06:18.800 --> 0:06:23.320 a place of feeling centered, it's incredible how much impact 0:06:23.400 --> 0:06:29.360 you can have. Principle two, Clarity beats intensity. Most people 0:06:29.400 --> 0:06:34.640 think being passionate makes them persuasive, research shows the opposite. 0:06:34.960 --> 0:06:40.680 Studies in organizational psychology show that clear, concise communication is 0:06:40.760 --> 0:06:45.880 perceived as more competent and more trustworthy than emotional intensity. 0:06:46.480 --> 0:06:51.400 Intensity feels powerful to the speaker, Clarity feels safe to 0:06:51.480 --> 0:06:56.320 the listener. That's why long explanations often backfire. They feel 0:06:56.360 --> 0:07:01.600 like pressure, they feel like justification, they feel like emotional flooding. 0:07:02.200 --> 0:07:06.760 Effective communicators simplify instead of I just feel like this 0:07:06.839 --> 0:07:09.360 keeps happening and I don't know if you realize how 0:07:09.400 --> 0:07:11.160 much it affects me. And I've tried to bring it 0:07:11.240 --> 0:07:15.960 up before. They say when this happens, I feel overlooked. 0:07:16.560 --> 0:07:21.120 I need a heads up next time. Same truth, less noise. 0:07:21.960 --> 0:07:24.640 Think about that for a second. We think the more 0:07:24.680 --> 0:07:27.040 words we say, the more passionate we are, the more 0:07:27.120 --> 0:07:30.360 likely someone's going to get an understanding of it. But 0:07:30.400 --> 0:07:33.200 the reality is, if we just say, when you do this, 0:07:33.960 --> 0:07:37.920 I feel this, let me know next time, how would 0:07:37.920 --> 0:07:39.960 you like me to respond next time, all of a 0:07:40.040 --> 0:07:44.840 sudden we have very clear information signaled to the other person. 0:07:45.320 --> 0:07:48.120 One of my favorite quotes from Albert Einstein says, if 0:07:48.120 --> 0:07:52.559 you can't explain something simply, you don't understand it well enough. 0:07:53.400 --> 0:07:57.640 Simple communication is not a sign of a lack of intelligence. 0:07:58.040 --> 0:08:03.600 It's a sign of deep understanding. As a speaker, a leader, 0:08:03.720 --> 0:08:07.560 a communicator, a manager, whatever you may be, if you're 0:08:07.640 --> 0:08:11.800 able to be concise, simple, it will be so much 0:08:11.840 --> 0:08:19.520 more powerful. Remember this, confusion creates resistance. Clarity creates cooperation. 0:08:20.440 --> 0:08:24.840 If someone doesn't understand you, they can't support you. Good 0:08:24.880 --> 0:08:30.520 communicators ask if they were understood. Bad communicators assume they 0:08:30.520 --> 0:08:37.080 were good communicators. Aim for understanding. Bad communicators aim to 0:08:37.120 --> 0:08:43.160 be right. Notice the difference Principal three. People don't argue 0:08:43.160 --> 0:08:47.880 with facts, They argue with threat Here's a powerful insight. 0:08:48.480 --> 0:08:53.800 Most disagreements are not about facts. They're about identity and safety. 0:08:54.240 --> 0:08:59.440 When people feel embarrassed, judged, or blamed, their brain stops listening. 0:09:00.200 --> 0:09:04.160 That again, when people feel embarrassed, judged, or blamed, their 0:09:04.200 --> 0:09:08.120 brain stops listening. How many times have you stopped listening 0:09:08.160 --> 0:09:10.640 when you felt that way? Now, think about all the 0:09:10.760 --> 0:09:14.959 times you spoke that way and thought it would affect someone. 0:09:15.360 --> 0:09:19.000 I know I've made that mistake. I constantly feel that 0:09:19.040 --> 0:09:21.520 if someone really understands what they got wrong, or they 0:09:21.520 --> 0:09:24.120 were really made clear on the mistake they made, that 0:09:24.120 --> 0:09:26.920 that would make them listen more. But actually, we're not 0:09:27.120 --> 0:09:31.560 listening to that because it's not factual. It feels like opinion, 0:09:31.960 --> 0:09:36.439 it feels personal, it feels like an attack. Researching conflict 0:09:36.520 --> 0:09:41.880 psychology shows that once someone feels threatened, they prioritize self 0:09:41.960 --> 0:09:47.040 protection over understanding. This is actually mind blowing. You think 0:09:47.040 --> 0:09:49.880 about all the interactions you have home or work When 0:09:49.920 --> 0:09:55.000 you make someone feel attacked, they're only thinking about protecting themselves. 0:09:55.320 --> 0:10:01.400 Effective communicators lower threat. First, at work, here's what I'm seeing. 0:10:01.960 --> 0:10:06.160 Tell me if I'm missing something at home, this matters 0:10:06.200 --> 0:10:09.839 to me, and I want to understand your side. These 0:10:09.880 --> 0:10:15.720 phrases do one thing, They create safety. Remember this. People 0:10:15.840 --> 0:10:20.000 don't need to feel corrected, they need to feel considered. 0:10:20.720 --> 0:10:26.079 Once safety is present. Truth can land before sharing feedback, 0:10:26.600 --> 0:10:31.240 before saying something that's hard to hear, Before you're about 0:10:31.280 --> 0:10:36.559 to have a difficult conversation, First set safety. Second, make 0:10:36.600 --> 0:10:39.880 sure that anything you're saying is coming with the intention 0:10:40.040 --> 0:10:43.960 of safety, and choose your words that really align with 0:10:44.040 --> 0:10:46.960 that energy. Because you want to have an impact. A 0:10:47.000 --> 0:10:48.600 lot of people say, well I should just be able 0:10:48.640 --> 0:10:51.280 to say what I want and people should understand. Well, 0:10:51.400 --> 0:10:53.800 if that's what you want, then that isn't a relationship 0:10:53.840 --> 0:10:56.920 based on care. It's not a relationship based on love. 0:10:57.000 --> 0:11:00.840 It's not a relationship based on connection. It's a relationship 0:11:00.880 --> 0:11:03.040 based on you wanting people to understand you, but not 0:11:03.080 --> 0:11:05.679 taking the moment to understand them. I think this can 0:11:05.720 --> 0:11:08.880 all change for us. It can all change when we 0:11:08.960 --> 0:11:15.360 prioritize principle for questions change everything. One of the most 0:11:15.559 --> 0:11:22.560 powerful communication tools is curiosity. Research from negotiation psychology shows 0:11:22.559 --> 0:11:28.920 that asking open ended questions reduces defensiveness and increases cooperation. 0:11:29.760 --> 0:11:36.000 Statements trigger resistance. Questions invite collaboration. Instead of you're not listening, 0:11:36.679 --> 0:11:39.360 ask can you tell me what you heard from what 0:11:39.400 --> 0:11:44.080 I just said? Instead of this isn't working, ask what 0:11:44.160 --> 0:11:47.760 do you think would make this work? Better? Questions shift 0:11:47.800 --> 0:11:52.959 the dynamic from opposition to partnership. Here's a phrase that 0:11:53.040 --> 0:11:59.640 instantly de escalates tension. Help me understand that sentence creates 0:11:59.679 --> 0:12:03.640 space where conflict used to be. There are so many 0:12:03.720 --> 0:12:06.839 challenges with the growth of AI. There are so many 0:12:06.960 --> 0:12:10.600 risks that it presents. But one of the things that 0:12:10.640 --> 0:12:13.240 I'm grateful it is done is that it has brought 0:12:13.360 --> 0:12:17.760 humans back to asking better questions. We grew up at 0:12:17.760 --> 0:12:21.120 a time when answers were everything. Now we know answers 0:12:21.160 --> 0:12:24.360 are everywhere and all of a sudden, Questions and prompts 0:12:24.760 --> 0:12:27.720 are the key to our intelligence. The better you are 0:12:27.760 --> 0:12:31.480 asking questions, the better results you'll actually get from AI. 0:12:32.040 --> 0:12:34.559 So that's a great way for us to test whether 0:12:34.600 --> 0:12:37.920 we know how to ask good questions, whether our questioning 0:12:38.040 --> 0:12:43.320 and curiosity ability is actually improving. That's the goal. If 0:12:43.360 --> 0:12:46.640 you can do that, you will actually lead your team, 0:12:46.760 --> 0:13:12.240 guide people, move people in a much stronger way. Principal five. 0:13:12.520 --> 0:13:16.440 You might have heard this before, but pay attention. Tone 0:13:17.040 --> 0:13:20.160 carries more than words. Let's really talk about tone. Let's 0:13:20.200 --> 0:13:24.080 really look at it. Studies from UCLA and other communication 0:13:24.240 --> 0:13:29.240 research show that in emotionally charred situations, tone and body 0:13:29.320 --> 0:13:33.440 language carry more meaning than words alone. You can say 0:13:33.480 --> 0:13:37.360 the right thing in the wrong tone and still lose 0:13:37.400 --> 0:13:43.199 the moment. Effective communicators align tone with intention. If you 0:13:43.240 --> 0:13:49.040 want collaboration, soften your voice. If you want clarity, slow 0:13:49.520 --> 0:13:54.760 your pace. If you want connection, lower your volume. Here's 0:13:54.880 --> 0:13:59.440 the truth. How you say something determines whether it becomes 0:13:59.480 --> 0:14:02.920 a conversation or a conflict. Let me say that again. 0:14:03.280 --> 0:14:07.280 How you say something determines whether it becomes a conversation 0:14:08.040 --> 0:14:12.840 or a conflict. Tone is not cosmetic. It's communication. But 0:14:12.920 --> 0:14:16.400 we think, oh, if I care, someone should just get that. No, 0:14:16.640 --> 0:14:19.720 they're getting your tone. You just think, well, if I'm enthusiastic, 0:14:19.800 --> 0:14:22.800 someone should just get that. Know they're getting your tone. 0:14:23.160 --> 0:14:25.760 You think, oh, yeah, of course someone knows I respect them, 0:14:26.280 --> 0:14:31.160 Know they're getting your tone. In every moment, people are 0:14:31.280 --> 0:14:34.400 listening to the sound of your tone and having an 0:14:34.480 --> 0:14:38.160 emotional reaction to it, far greater than they're listening to 0:14:38.200 --> 0:14:40.880 the words you say. It's how we process. We say 0:14:40.920 --> 0:14:43.760 things like did you hear how she said that to me? 0:14:44.600 --> 0:14:47.880 Did you hear what that sounded like? Rarely does someone 0:14:47.920 --> 0:14:50.920 say did you hear the exact words they said? No? 0:14:51.560 --> 0:14:54.160 Did you hear how they said that? Did you hear 0:14:54.200 --> 0:14:58.000 how he he made me feel? No? It is how. 0:14:58.000 --> 0:15:06.280 It's all emotional is emotion. Communication is emotional. So many 0:15:06.400 --> 0:15:10.360 arguments could be avoided if we changed our tone. And 0:15:10.400 --> 0:15:11.760 I know what you're thinking, Joe, Why do I need 0:15:11.800 --> 0:15:13.840 to change my tone? Maybe something's been done wrong to me, 0:15:14.400 --> 0:15:18.960 maybe I've been hurt. That's totally fair, and your feelings 0:15:19.000 --> 0:15:21.800 are valid, your emotions are real. But what do you 0:15:21.920 --> 0:15:25.640 want from this conversation? What do you want from this connection? 0:15:26.280 --> 0:15:28.480 Do you want impact? Do you want growth? Do you 0:15:28.520 --> 0:15:31.320 want a solution? Do you want movement? Or do you 0:15:31.400 --> 0:15:34.000 just want more chaos? Because if you want more chaos, 0:15:34.040 --> 0:15:36.280 we'll just carry on as we are. But if we 0:15:36.480 --> 0:15:39.120 really want growth, if we really want to move forward, 0:15:39.120 --> 0:15:41.080 if we want our lives to go in the right direction. 0:15:42.160 --> 0:15:45.960 These skills are so valuable, but all of this won't 0:15:45.960 --> 0:15:53.120 work without principle six. Close the loop. Most conversations fail 0:15:53.400 --> 0:15:57.320 at the ending. People walk away thinking, wait, what did 0:15:57.320 --> 0:16:00.600 we decide? Are we on the same page? Did that 0:16:00.640 --> 0:16:06.600 actually resolve anything. Effective communicators close the loop. They end 0:16:06.680 --> 0:16:11.360 conversations with alignment. Here's what we're agreeing on, Here's what 0:16:11.400 --> 0:16:16.640 happens next, Here's what matters to me. Most workplace studies 0:16:16.680 --> 0:16:23.880 show this reduces misunderstandings by over fifty percent. Alignment is clarity, 0:16:24.560 --> 0:16:29.520 and clarity is kindness. I want you to think about 0:16:29.960 --> 0:16:32.920 how you start a conversation and how you end a 0:16:32.920 --> 0:16:35.760 conversation when you're about to have one. Most of the time, 0:16:35.760 --> 0:16:38.400 we just think about what we want to talk about, right, 0:16:38.440 --> 0:16:40.000 we were, like, make a list of everything we need 0:16:40.040 --> 0:16:43.000 to talk about, But how do we want to introduce 0:16:43.080 --> 0:16:46.680 the idea and how do we want to outro Think 0:16:46.680 --> 0:16:49.040 about the start and the end of a movie. If 0:16:49.080 --> 0:16:50.280 you just talk about, oh, I want this movie to 0:16:50.360 --> 0:16:51.800 have action, I wanted to have comedy, I wanted to 0:16:51.800 --> 0:16:53.320 have this. That's a list of things you want to 0:16:53.320 --> 0:16:56.120 talk about. But if you didn't think about how the 0:16:56.120 --> 0:16:59.680 first thirty seconds of the movie started with the story 0:16:59.720 --> 0:17:04.480 even land would someone even appreciate the characters arc? Would 0:17:04.480 --> 0:17:07.439 you even be emotionally connected to the story? Probably not? 0:17:07.960 --> 0:17:09.760 And then we always watch the ending. You always work 0:17:09.800 --> 0:17:11.240 How many times if you watched the movie and thought 0:17:11.440 --> 0:17:14.159 the ending could have been better? Why did they do 0:17:14.240 --> 0:17:17.120 that at the end? What was the point? Wasted all 0:17:17.160 --> 0:17:20.280 my time and we didn't even get there. The biggest 0:17:20.280 --> 0:17:25.080 communication skill is preparing the beginning and the end as 0:17:25.200 --> 0:17:28.640 much as you focus on the middle. Because the beginning 0:17:28.800 --> 0:17:34.000 invites someone in or irritates them away, and the end 0:17:34.560 --> 0:17:39.560 creates momentum forward or keeps you stuck. So much is 0:17:39.600 --> 0:17:44.040 transformed from how a beginning and end of a conversation manifests. 0:17:44.800 --> 0:17:48.479 Let me leave you with something simple, as I promised, 0:17:48.480 --> 0:17:51.520 as I said, it's needed. If you want to communicate 0:17:51.560 --> 0:17:57.200 more effectively everywhere in your life, remember this number one. 0:17:57.520 --> 0:18:03.040 Regulate before you speak. If you regulate, you'll respond. If 0:18:03.080 --> 0:18:07.480 you don't, you will react. So many of us react, 0:18:08.000 --> 0:18:12.719 only creating more friction, creating more tension, creating more conflict 0:18:13.000 --> 0:18:16.200 than we actually wanted to. We think that's the way 0:18:16.240 --> 0:18:18.880 to get our point across, but all that really ends 0:18:18.920 --> 0:18:22.399 up happening is weakening the ground that we stand on. 0:18:23.280 --> 0:18:27.000 Regulate before you speak, with a few breaths, with a pause, 0:18:27.720 --> 0:18:30.000 maybe even a day to actually have the meetings so 0:18:30.040 --> 0:18:33.119 you have time to prepare for it. It's not bad 0:18:33.440 --> 0:18:37.120 to take time to have a better conversation if something's 0:18:37.160 --> 0:18:40.440 going to affect your long term success, especially at work. 0:18:41.160 --> 0:18:48.720 Number two, choose clarity over intensity. Simplify your argument to 0:18:48.800 --> 0:18:51.760 the easiest way that it can be communicated. Think about 0:18:51.760 --> 0:18:53.920 how I explain this to a five year old. Think 0:18:53.960 --> 0:18:58.000 about what language would I use if someone didn't understand 0:18:58.280 --> 0:18:59.920 what I was trying to say. And, by the way, 0:19:00.080 --> 0:19:03.480 that's not being condescending. This isn't about making someone feel 0:19:03.520 --> 0:19:06.480 like they're not smart or not intelligent. This is about 0:19:06.520 --> 0:19:09.640 making sure that you meet them where they are. Compassionate 0:19:09.680 --> 0:19:15.320 communication meets people where they are. Over intellectual communication is 0:19:15.359 --> 0:19:18.240 trying to get people to be impressed by you. Choose 0:19:18.320 --> 0:19:23.679 clarity over intensity. Intensity will not win if there's too 0:19:23.760 --> 0:19:27.640 many words, too many signals, too many points. Number three, 0:19:28.200 --> 0:19:33.040 reduce the threat before delivering the truth. The truth does 0:19:33.080 --> 0:19:36.680 not feel like the truth. It feels like a threat 0:19:36.960 --> 0:19:40.240 when it feels like an attack. So many times we 0:19:40.280 --> 0:19:43.800 think that the truth is enough to communicate, but we 0:19:43.840 --> 0:19:48.000 don't realize that we make someone feel defensive, embarrassed, ashamed, 0:19:48.200 --> 0:19:52.119 or judged, and now they feel threatened. So it doesn't 0:19:52.119 --> 0:19:55.800 feel like the truth at all. It feels completely false 0:19:56.200 --> 0:20:00.720 and completely personal. Don't over rely on the truth. The 0:20:00.800 --> 0:20:05.320 truth still has to be delivered with safety. Number four, 0:20:05.920 --> 0:20:10.440 ask more questions than you make statements. You will learn 0:20:10.480 --> 0:20:12.800 so much more about yourself. You will learn so much 0:20:12.840 --> 0:20:14.959 more about the other person. You learn so much more 0:20:14.960 --> 0:20:17.800 about the situation. No, it's this I get either say 0:20:17.800 --> 0:20:20.960 to someone this isn't good enough, We're so behind, Or 0:20:21.000 --> 0:20:23.719 I could say, what do you think the goal is 0:20:24.040 --> 0:20:26.880 of what we're trying to achieve? What do you think 0:20:27.000 --> 0:20:30.199 is really important on this project? How do you think 0:20:30.280 --> 0:20:33.920 we're measuring success here? That person will say, oh, we're 0:20:33.920 --> 0:20:37.000 measuring success by this growth, this metric, this this, Now 0:20:37.000 --> 0:20:39.439 we get a moment to align, rather than if you 0:20:39.440 --> 0:20:43.439 say it's just not working, it doesn't go anywhere. Five 0:20:44.119 --> 0:20:49.160 Match your tone to your intention. People don't hear your intention, 0:20:50.040 --> 0:20:57.000 they hear your tone. They don't hear your drive or motivation. 0:20:57.760 --> 0:21:03.600 They hear your tone. Intention does not supersede tone and 0:21:03.720 --> 0:21:10.360 number six. End with alignment, end with a conclusion, end 0:21:10.600 --> 0:21:14.399 with direction. If you don't end something well, if you 0:21:14.440 --> 0:21:16.679 don't land something well, it doesn't matter how well it 0:21:16.720 --> 0:21:20.119 took off. Or if you think about a flight, you 0:21:20.119 --> 0:21:22.600 think about the takeoff and landing, even if there was 0:21:22.680 --> 0:21:25.399 turbulence while you were on your journey. On your flight, 0:21:26.080 --> 0:21:29.320 if you have a safe landing, you remember that you 0:21:29.359 --> 0:21:34.560 can have a difficult conversation and have safe landing. Remember this. 0:21:35.280 --> 0:21:38.800 The goal of communication isn't to win, it's to be 0:21:38.920 --> 0:21:43.919 understood without losing the relationship. The better you communicate, the 0:21:44.000 --> 0:21:48.760 fewer explanations you need, the fewer conflicts repeat themselves, and 0:21:48.800 --> 0:21:52.359 the more trust you build, because when people feel safe 0:21:52.400 --> 0:21:55.880 with you, they listen. I hope this helps you at 0:21:55.880 --> 0:21:58.639 work at home. I hope you'll send this to a 0:21:58.640 --> 0:22:03.000 friend who's struggling with a workplace conflict or a personal challenge. 0:22:03.400 --> 0:22:06.480 And remember I'm forever rooting for you and I'm always 0:22:06.480 --> 0:22:09.520 in your corner. Take care. Thank you so much for 0:22:09.640 --> 0:22:13.200 listening to this conversation. If you enjoyed it, you'll love 0:22:13.280 --> 0:22:17.080 my chat with Adam Grant on why discomfort is the 0:22:17.160 --> 0:22:21.560 key to growth and the strategies for unlocking your hidden potential. 0:22:21.960 --> 0:22:24.040 If you know you want to be more and achieve 0:22:24.119 --> 0:22:27.080 more this year, go check it out right now. You 0:22:27.119 --> 0:22:29.679 set a goal today, you achieve it in six months, 0:22:30.080 --> 0:22:33.080 and then by the time it happens, it's almost a relief. 0:22:33.119 --> 0:22:35.280 There's no sense of meaning and purpose. You sort of 0:22:35.280 --> 0:22:37.359 expected it, and you would have been disappointed if it 0:22:37.400 --> 0:22:38.000 didn't happen.