Speaker 1: Hey, everyone, Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much for being here. If you haven't subscribed already,
Speaker 1: make sure you do so you never miss an episode.
Speaker 1: Today is all about how to communicate so people actually listen.
Speaker 1: How many of you feel unheard at work? How many
Speaker 1: of you feel unheard at home? How many of you
Speaker 1: feel like you can never get a word in when
Speaker 1: you're around your friends, or you can't command authority in
Speaker 1: a team meeting. If any of you have struggled with this,
Speaker 1: this episode is for you. After listening to this, you'll
Speaker 1: be able to better articulate how you feel. You'll be
Speaker 1: able to actually make an impact when you speak, and
Speaker 1: you'll know the tools to actually help people listen when
Speaker 1: you decide to open your mouth. Let me start with
Speaker 1: something that might feel uncomfortable. Most of us think we're
Speaker 1: good communicators. We think we're being clear, we think we're
Speaker 1: being honest, we think we're being direct, But the research
Speaker 1: says otherwise. A study from Harvard found that people overestimate
Speaker 1: how clearly they communicate by more than forty percent. In
Speaker 1: other words, we think we're obvious, but other people are confused, defensive,
Speaker 1: or overwhelmed. Think about it. If we were all great
Speaker 1: at communicating, we wouldn't have workplace friction. We wouldn't have
Speaker 1: that argument at home. We wouldn't get triggered when someone
Speaker 1: says anything. It's the reason why texts get misread, meetings
Speaker 1: go in circles, arguments repeat themselves, and people leave conversations
Speaker 1: feeling unheard. Because communication isn't about what you say, It's
Speaker 1: about what lands. Communication isn't about what you meant, it's
Speaker 1: about what they heard. Communication isn't about winning the argument.
Speaker 1: It's about protecting the relationship. Communication isn't about intensity, It's
Speaker 1: about clarity. And today I want to talk about how
Speaker 1: to communicate effectively at work, home, and in life, not
Speaker 1: with scripts, not with tricks, but with principles grounded in psychology, neuroscience,
Speaker 1: and human behavior. If you stay with me, this episode
Speaker 1: will change how people respond to you, how often conflict escalates,
Speaker 1: and how often you feel misunderstood. And I know what
Speaker 1: you're thinking, Jay, I hate difficult conversations. I struggle to
Speaker 1: speak up for myself while you're in the right place.
Speaker 1: Here's the shift that changes everything. Communication is not self expression.
Speaker 1: Communication is shared understanding. Most people communicate from intention. Effective
Speaker 1: communicators communicate from impact. You might intend to be helpful,
Speaker 1: but it might land as critical. You might intend to
Speaker 1: be honest, but it might land as harsh. You might
Speaker 1: intend to be efficient, but in my land is dismissive.
Speaker 1: And the gap between intention and impact is where most
Speaker 1: communication breaks down. So let's close that gap. I'm sure
Speaker 1: so many of you listening right now are thinking, Jay,
Speaker 1: I always want people to feel better. I want to
Speaker 1: make people feel good. I want to share things sensitively,
Speaker 1: but it doesn't always get received that way. Well, let's
Speaker 1: start with principle number one. Regulate before you communicate. Here's
Speaker 1: something most people don't know. You can't communicate well when
Speaker 1: your nervous system is disregulated. Neuroscience shows that when you're stressed, triggered,
Speaker 1: or defensive, blood flow literally shifts away from the prefrontal cortex,
Speaker 1: the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, empathy, and language,
Speaker 1: and it moves toward the amygdala, the part responsible for
Speaker 1: threat and survival. Which means this, when you're activated, you
Speaker 1: don't communicate. You react. That's why emails sound colder than intended.
Speaker 1: That's why arguments escalate so fast. That's why you say
Speaker 1: things and immediately think h I shouldn't have said that.
Speaker 1: Think about this for a moment. When someone says something
Speaker 1: in a meeting and it triggers you, they stole your idea,
Speaker 1: they cut you off, They presented something that you know
Speaker 1: wasn't accurate. They're getting credit. When all of these emotions
Speaker 1: are running through your mind and you choose to speak,
Speaker 1: you're more likely to make yourself look worse than you
Speaker 1: are to make yourself look better. If you don't choose
Speaker 1: to regulate and you react instead of respond effectively, you
Speaker 1: actually create more issues for yourself long term and make
Speaker 1: more people not want to listen to you than when
Speaker 1: you're able to keep your calm. This isn't about emotional bypassing.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying to not worry about it. I'm not
Speaker 1: saying not even to get involved. I'm saying that you
Speaker 1: want to come from a position of strength, not from
Speaker 1: a position of weakness. Effective communicators do something simple but powerful.
Speaker 1: They pause, not to avoid the conversation, but to protect
Speaker 1: the outcome. At work, this looks like not replying immediately
Speaker 1: to a triggering message, drafting the email, then revising it
Speaker 1: at home. This looks like saying I need a minute
Speaker 1: instead of raising your voice. Remember this, the calmest person
Speaker 1: in the conversation sets the emotional temperature. Regulation is not weakness,
Speaker 1: it's leadership. We think if you're quiet or you pause,
Speaker 1: you sound weak. Actually, the most powerful speakers, whether on
Speaker 1: a stage or in a meeting, use pause most effectively
Speaker 1: to draw people in, to get people to lean in,
Speaker 1: to get people to actually listen. It shows a sense
Speaker 1: of self control when people talk at a slower pace,
Speaker 1: when they have the ability to actually hold back on
Speaker 1: that emotion because guess what everyone thought you were about
Speaker 1: to respond emotionally, and in that moment, If you're able
Speaker 1: to pull back so that you can actually respond from
Speaker 1: a place of feeling centered, it's incredible how much impact
Speaker 1: you can have. Principle two, Clarity beats intensity. Most people
Speaker 1: think being passionate makes them persuasive, research shows the opposite.
Speaker 1: Studies in organizational psychology show that clear, concise communication is
Speaker 1: perceived as more competent and more trustworthy than emotional intensity.
Speaker 1: Intensity feels powerful to the speaker, Clarity feels safe to
Speaker 1: the listener. That's why long explanations often backfire. They feel
Speaker 1: like pressure, they feel like justification, they feel like emotional flooding.
Speaker 1: Effective communicators simplify instead of I just feel like this
Speaker 1: keeps happening and I don't know if you realize how
Speaker 1: much it affects me. And I've tried to bring it
Speaker 1: up before. They say when this happens, I feel overlooked.
Speaker 1: I need a heads up next time. Same truth, less noise.
Speaker 1: Think about that for a second. We think the more
Speaker 1: words we say, the more passionate we are, the more
Speaker 1: likely someone's going to get an understanding of it. But
Speaker 1: the reality is, if we just say, when you do this,
Speaker 1: I feel this, let me know next time, how would
Speaker 1: you like me to respond next time, all of a
Speaker 1: sudden we have very clear information signaled to the other person.
Speaker 1: One of my favorite quotes from Albert Einstein says, if
Speaker 1: you can't explain something simply, you don't understand it well enough.
Speaker 1: Simple communication is not a sign of a lack of intelligence.
Speaker 1: It's a sign of deep understanding. As a speaker, a leader,
Speaker 1: a communicator, a manager, whatever you may be, if you're
Speaker 1: able to be concise, simple, it will be so much
Speaker 1: more powerful. Remember this, confusion creates resistance. Clarity creates cooperation.
Speaker 1: If someone doesn't understand you, they can't support you. Good
Speaker 1: communicators ask if they were understood. Bad communicators assume they
Speaker 1: were good communicators. Aim for understanding. Bad communicators aim to
Speaker 1: be right. Notice the difference Principal three. People don't argue
Speaker 1: with facts, They argue with threat Here's a powerful insight.
Speaker 1: Most disagreements are not about facts. They're about identity and safety.
Speaker 1: When people feel embarrassed, judged, or blamed, their brain stops listening.
Speaker 1: That again, when people feel embarrassed, judged, or blamed, their
Speaker 1: brain stops listening. How many times have you stopped listening
Speaker 1: when you felt that way? Now, think about all the
Speaker 1: times you spoke that way and thought it would affect someone.
Speaker 1: I know I've made that mistake. I constantly feel that
Speaker 1: if someone really understands what they got wrong, or they
Speaker 1: were really made clear on the mistake they made, that
Speaker 1: that would make them listen more. But actually, we're not
Speaker 1: listening to that because it's not factual. It feels like opinion,
Speaker 1: it feels personal, it feels like an attack. Researching conflict
Speaker 1: psychology shows that once someone feels threatened, they prioritize self
Speaker 1: protection over understanding. This is actually mind blowing. You think
Speaker 1: about all the interactions you have home or work When
Speaker 1: you make someone feel attacked, they're only thinking about protecting themselves.
Speaker 1: Effective communicators lower threat. First, at work, here's what I'm seeing.
Speaker 1: Tell me if I'm missing something at home, this matters
Speaker 1: to me, and I want to understand your side. These
Speaker 1: phrases do one thing, They create safety. Remember this. People
Speaker 1: don't need to feel corrected, they need to feel considered.
Speaker 1: Once safety is present. Truth can land before sharing feedback,
Speaker 1: before saying something that's hard to hear, Before you're about
Speaker 1: to have a difficult conversation, First set safety. Second, make
Speaker 1: sure that anything you're saying is coming with the intention
Speaker 1: of safety, and choose your words that really align with
Speaker 1: that energy. Because you want to have an impact. A
Speaker 1: lot of people say, well I should just be able
Speaker 1: to say what I want and people should understand. Well,
Speaker 1: if that's what you want, then that isn't a relationship
Speaker 1: based on care. It's not a relationship based on love.
Speaker 1: It's not a relationship based on connection. It's a relationship
Speaker 1: based on you wanting people to understand you, but not
Speaker 1: taking the moment to understand them. I think this can
Speaker 1: all change for us. It can all change when we
Speaker 1: prioritize principle for questions change everything. One of the most
Speaker 1: powerful communication tools is curiosity. Research from negotiation psychology shows
Speaker 1: that asking open ended questions reduces defensiveness and increases cooperation.
Speaker 1: Statements trigger resistance. Questions invite collaboration. Instead of you're not listening,
Speaker 1: ask can you tell me what you heard from what
Speaker 1: I just said? Instead of this isn't working, ask what
Speaker 1: do you think would make this work? Better? Questions shift
Speaker 1: the dynamic from opposition to partnership. Here's a phrase that
Speaker 1: instantly de escalates tension. Help me understand that sentence creates
Speaker 1: space where conflict used to be. There are so many
Speaker 1: challenges with the growth of AI. There are so many
Speaker 1: risks that it presents. But one of the things that
Speaker 1: I'm grateful it is done is that it has brought
Speaker 1: humans back to asking better questions. We grew up at
Speaker 1: a time when answers were everything. Now we know answers
Speaker 1: are everywhere and all of a sudden, Questions and prompts
Speaker 1: are the key to our intelligence. The better you are
Speaker 1: asking questions, the better results you'll actually get from AI.
Speaker 1: So that's a great way for us to test whether
Speaker 1: we know how to ask good questions, whether our questioning
Speaker 1: and curiosity ability is actually improving. That's the goal. If
Speaker 1: you can do that, you will actually lead your team,
Speaker 1: guide people, move people in a much stronger way. Principal five.
Speaker 1: You might have heard this before, but pay attention. Tone
Speaker 1: carries more than words. Let's really talk about tone. Let's
Speaker 1: really look at it. Studies from UCLA and other communication
Speaker 1: research show that in emotionally charred situations, tone and body
Speaker 1: language carry more meaning than words alone. You can say
Speaker 1: the right thing in the wrong tone and still lose
Speaker 1: the moment. Effective communicators align tone with intention. If you
Speaker 1: want collaboration, soften your voice. If you want clarity, slow
Speaker 1: your pace. If you want connection, lower your volume. Here's
Speaker 1: the truth. How you say something determines whether it becomes
Speaker 1: a conversation or a conflict. Let me say that again.
Speaker 1: How you say something determines whether it becomes a conversation
Speaker 1: or a conflict. Tone is not cosmetic. It's communication. But
Speaker 1: we think, oh, if I care, someone should just get that. No,
Speaker 1: they're getting your tone. You just think, well, if I'm enthusiastic,
Speaker 1: someone should just get that. Know they're getting your tone.
Speaker 1: You think, oh, yeah, of course someone knows I respect them,
Speaker 1: Know they're getting your tone. In every moment, people are
Speaker 1: listening to the sound of your tone and having an
Speaker 1: emotional reaction to it, far greater than they're listening to
Speaker 1: the words you say. It's how we process. We say
Speaker 1: things like did you hear how she said that to me?
Speaker 1: Did you hear what that sounded like? Rarely does someone
Speaker 1: say did you hear the exact words they said? No?
Speaker 1: Did you hear how they said that? Did you hear
Speaker 1: how he he made me feel? No? It is how.
Speaker 1: It's all emotional is emotion. Communication is emotional. So many
Speaker 1: arguments could be avoided if we changed our tone. And
Speaker 1: I know what you're thinking, Joe, Why do I need
Speaker 1: to change my tone? Maybe something's been done wrong to me,
Speaker 1: maybe I've been hurt. That's totally fair, and your feelings
Speaker 1: are valid, your emotions are real. But what do you
Speaker 1: want from this conversation? What do you want from this connection?
Speaker 1: Do you want impact? Do you want growth? Do you
Speaker 1: want a solution? Do you want movement? Or do you
Speaker 1: just want more chaos? Because if you want more chaos,
Speaker 1: we'll just carry on as we are. But if we
Speaker 1: really want growth, if we really want to move forward,
Speaker 1: if we want our lives to go in the right direction.
Speaker 1: These skills are so valuable, but all of this won't
Speaker 1: work without principle six. Close the loop. Most conversations fail
Speaker 1: at the ending. People walk away thinking, wait, what did
Speaker 1: we decide? Are we on the same page? Did that
Speaker 1: actually resolve anything. Effective communicators close the loop. They end
Speaker 1: conversations with alignment. Here's what we're agreeing on, Here's what
Speaker 1: happens next, Here's what matters to me. Most workplace studies
Speaker 1: show this reduces misunderstandings by over fifty percent. Alignment is clarity,
Speaker 1: and clarity is kindness. I want you to think about
Speaker 1: how you start a conversation and how you end a
Speaker 1: conversation when you're about to have one. Most of the time,
Speaker 1: we just think about what we want to talk about, right,
Speaker 1: we were, like, make a list of everything we need
Speaker 1: to talk about, But how do we want to introduce
Speaker 1: the idea and how do we want to outro Think
Speaker 1: about the start and the end of a movie. If
Speaker 1: you just talk about, oh, I want this movie to
Speaker 1: have action, I wanted to have comedy, I wanted to
Speaker 1: have this. That's a list of things you want to
Speaker 1: talk about. But if you didn't think about how the
Speaker 1: first thirty seconds of the movie started with the story
Speaker 1: even land would someone even appreciate the characters arc? Would
Speaker 1: you even be emotionally connected to the story? Probably not?
Speaker 1: And then we always watch the ending. You always work
Speaker 1: How many times if you watched the movie and thought
Speaker 1: the ending could have been better? Why did they do
Speaker 1: that at the end? What was the point? Wasted all
Speaker 1: my time and we didn't even get there. The biggest
Speaker 1: communication skill is preparing the beginning and the end as
Speaker 1: much as you focus on the middle. Because the beginning
Speaker 1: invites someone in or irritates them away, and the end
Speaker 1: creates momentum forward or keeps you stuck. So much is
Speaker 1: transformed from how a beginning and end of a conversation manifests.
Speaker 1: Let me leave you with something simple, as I promised,
Speaker 1: as I said, it's needed. If you want to communicate
Speaker 1: more effectively everywhere in your life, remember this number one.
Speaker 1: Regulate before you speak. If you regulate, you'll respond. If
Speaker 1: you don't, you will react. So many of us react,
Speaker 1: only creating more friction, creating more tension, creating more conflict
Speaker 1: than we actually wanted to. We think that's the way
Speaker 1: to get our point across, but all that really ends
Speaker 1: up happening is weakening the ground that we stand on.
Speaker 1: Regulate before you speak, with a few breaths, with a pause,
Speaker 1: maybe even a day to actually have the meetings so
Speaker 1: you have time to prepare for it. It's not bad
Speaker 1: to take time to have a better conversation if something's
Speaker 1: going to affect your long term success, especially at work.
Speaker 1: Number two, choose clarity over intensity. Simplify your argument to
Speaker 1: the easiest way that it can be communicated. Think about
Speaker 1: how I explain this to a five year old. Think
Speaker 1: about what language would I use if someone didn't understand
Speaker 1: what I was trying to say. And, by the way,
Speaker 1: that's not being condescending. This isn't about making someone feel
Speaker 1: like they're not smart or not intelligent. This is about
Speaker 1: making sure that you meet them where they are. Compassionate
Speaker 1: communication meets people where they are. Over intellectual communication is
Speaker 1: trying to get people to be impressed by you. Choose
Speaker 1: clarity over intensity. Intensity will not win if there's too
Speaker 1: many words, too many signals, too many points. Number three,
Speaker 1: reduce the threat before delivering the truth. The truth does
Speaker 1: not feel like the truth. It feels like a threat
Speaker 1: when it feels like an attack. So many times we
Speaker 1: think that the truth is enough to communicate, but we
Speaker 1: don't realize that we make someone feel defensive, embarrassed, ashamed,
Speaker 1: or judged, and now they feel threatened. So it doesn't
Speaker 1: feel like the truth at all. It feels completely false
Speaker 1: and completely personal. Don't over rely on the truth. The
Speaker 1: truth still has to be delivered with safety. Number four,
Speaker 1: ask more questions than you make statements. You will learn
Speaker 1: so much more about yourself. You will learn so much
Speaker 1: more about the other person. You learn so much more
Speaker 1: about the situation. No, it's this I get either say
Speaker 1: to someone this isn't good enough, We're so behind, Or
Speaker 1: I could say, what do you think the goal is
Speaker 1: of what we're trying to achieve? What do you think
Speaker 1: is really important on this project? How do you think
Speaker 1: we're measuring success here? That person will say, oh, we're
Speaker 1: measuring success by this growth, this metric, this this, Now
Speaker 1: we get a moment to align, rather than if you
Speaker 1: say it's just not working, it doesn't go anywhere. Five
Speaker 1: Match your tone to your intention. People don't hear your intention,
Speaker 1: they hear your tone. They don't hear your drive or motivation.
Speaker 1: They hear your tone. Intention does not supersede tone and
Speaker 1: number six. End with alignment, end with a conclusion, end
Speaker 1: with direction. If you don't end something well, if you
Speaker 1: don't land something well, it doesn't matter how well it
Speaker 1: took off. Or if you think about a flight, you
Speaker 1: think about the takeoff and landing, even if there was
Speaker 1: turbulence while you were on your journey. On your flight,
Speaker 1: if you have a safe landing, you remember that you
Speaker 1: can have a difficult conversation and have safe landing. Remember this.
Speaker 1: The goal of communication isn't to win, it's to be
Speaker 1: understood without losing the relationship. The better you communicate, the
Speaker 1: fewer explanations you need, the fewer conflicts repeat themselves, and
Speaker 1: the more trust you build, because when people feel safe
Speaker 1: with you, they listen. I hope this helps you at
Speaker 1: work at home. I hope you'll send this to a
Speaker 1: friend who's struggling with a workplace conflict or a personal challenge.
Speaker 1: And remember I'm forever rooting for you and I'm always
Speaker 1: in your corner. Take care. Thank you so much for
Speaker 1: listening to this conversation. If you enjoyed it, you'll love
Speaker 1: my chat with Adam Grant on why discomfort is the
Speaker 1: key to growth and the strategies for unlocking your hidden potential.
Speaker 1: If you know you want to be more and achieve
Speaker 1: more this year, go check it out right now. You
Speaker 1: set a goal today, you achieve it in six months,
Speaker 1: and then by the time it happens, it's almost a relief.
Speaker 1: There's no sense of meaning and purpose. You sort of
Speaker 1: expected it, and you would have been disappointed if it
Speaker 1: didn't happen.