1 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:07,480 Speaker 1: Hey, guys, welcome to Tommy Talk. Today's topic is a 2 00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:12,320 Speaker 1: it's a it's a spicy one, and that topic is 3 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:19,520 Speaker 1: are you friends with or are you dating a narcissist? Hm? Wow, Okay, 4 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:22,400 Speaker 1: we hear this word being thrown around like crazy now right. 5 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:25,080 Speaker 1: I feel like narcissism and narcissist is a word that 6 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:28,760 Speaker 1: has kind of surfaced over the last few years, where 7 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:33,840 Speaker 1: you know, self help and more of these gurus out 8 00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:36,800 Speaker 1: there have come to the forefront to talk about what 9 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:40,319 Speaker 1: this means. So it's interesting because it really does get 10 00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:42,080 Speaker 1: tossed around a lot, but I feel like it gets 11 00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:44,199 Speaker 1: tossed around in a very flippant kind of way, and 12 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:47,239 Speaker 1: people are kind of like, well, what really, at the 13 00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:50,080 Speaker 1: core does that mean? And what really are the things 14 00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:53,280 Speaker 1: I should be looking for, Like somebody being mean or 15 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:56,360 Speaker 1: having an off day, or saying a rude or mark 16 00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:59,240 Speaker 1: that's out of character. That's not necessarily a narcissist, that's 17 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:02,680 Speaker 1: just someone being a day. But the narcissist is somebody 18 00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:07,520 Speaker 1: at the core who really makes you feel a certain way. 19 00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:10,080 Speaker 1: And there are like a lot of warning signs that 20 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:13,319 Speaker 1: you should look for when it comes to narcissism, And 21 00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:15,600 Speaker 1: I talk a lot about friendships and relationships on this 22 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:20,800 Speaker 1: podcast because they're so important. They're so important in our lives, 23 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:23,240 Speaker 1: and as we continue to go through life, and as 24 00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:27,240 Speaker 1: we continue to get older, we see things that unfortunately 25 00:01:27,319 --> 00:01:30,000 Speaker 1: can be very disappointing. We also see things that can 26 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:34,120 Speaker 1: be so incredibly heartwarming and positive and amazing, and I'm 27 00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:36,560 Speaker 1: here for all of that. But those things are easier 28 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:41,400 Speaker 1: to spot and easier to find, whereas sometimes the more difficult, 29 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:44,640 Speaker 1: you know, negativity in our lives can be disguised or 30 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:50,080 Speaker 1: a masked as somebody that's positive and wonderful, but in 31 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:52,160 Speaker 1: reality they're not. So I'm trying to make your lives 32 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:54,440 Speaker 1: a little easier through things I've gone through, to spot 33 00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:58,720 Speaker 1: a narcissist in your relationship or in your friendship, and 34 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,360 Speaker 1: like the real death nission of one, not a word 35 00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:04,240 Speaker 1: that's thrown around on social media or Instagram or in 36 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:08,760 Speaker 1: a song. Like, it's a very real thing. You deserve 37 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:14,520 Speaker 1: friendships and relationships when you feel seen and you feel heard, 38 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:17,560 Speaker 1: and you feel validated and you feel worthy and you 39 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:20,960 Speaker 1: feel wrapped up in love. And if you're not getting that, 40 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:24,600 Speaker 1: then we need to figure it out. I am like 41 00:02:24,639 --> 00:02:29,560 Speaker 1: your little friendship relationship warrior, I am here to smack 42 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,720 Speaker 1: somebody in line that is not making you feel like 43 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:34,680 Speaker 1: a million dollars, because if they're not making you feel 44 00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:37,560 Speaker 1: like a million dollars, thank you. Next, I'm not here 45 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:39,800 Speaker 1: to play because you need to feel like a million 46 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:45,480 Speaker 1: dollars on a regular basis. So there are warning signs 47 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,760 Speaker 1: that you should definitely look out for when it comes 48 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:52,120 Speaker 1: to your relationships and friendships to make sure you are 49 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:54,600 Speaker 1: not getting involved in a narcissist because at the bottom, 50 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:57,160 Speaker 1: the bottom line here is that doesn't make you feel 51 00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:59,799 Speaker 1: great and it actually can quite quite often put you 52 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:02,120 Speaker 1: in a really really bad position where you're not able 53 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:05,400 Speaker 1: to be your best version of yourself and succeed in 54 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:10,440 Speaker 1: life and sore in life. So number one, who the 55 00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:13,520 Speaker 1: number one thing to look out for is you feel 56 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:17,560 Speaker 1: like you're constantly walking on eggshells. If you have that 57 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:21,320 Speaker 1: feeling in your friendship or your relationship, that's a red flag. 58 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,080 Speaker 1: That is a red flag. And let me tell you 59 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,520 Speaker 1: I was in a relationship in my twenties where I 60 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:28,280 Speaker 1: described it quite often as I felt like I was 61 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:32,480 Speaker 1: walking on eggshells because the littlest thing would set this 62 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,720 Speaker 1: person off I'll never forget one time I was in 63 00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:38,440 Speaker 1: the kitchen and I dropped a pepper grinder and like 64 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:40,880 Speaker 1: the you know pepper grinds, I guess you called them, 65 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,400 Speaker 1: flew all over the kitchen floor. Not a big deal. 66 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:46,680 Speaker 1: Had a little dustbuster that I could zip it all 67 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,520 Speaker 1: up in. But it was literally a three day fight 68 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:52,520 Speaker 1: because I dropped a pepper grinder and I made the 69 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:55,400 Speaker 1: home dirty, and I was not paying attention and I 70 00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:57,560 Speaker 1: was sloppy and I was fast and I was quick, 71 00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:02,560 Speaker 1: and it's like, dude, chill out. It's not that deep, right, 72 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:06,120 Speaker 1: Like walking on eggshells is the worst feeling in the 73 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:08,080 Speaker 1: world because you feel like you can't be your true self. 74 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:09,720 Speaker 1: You feel like at any moment you're gonna jump out 75 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:12,200 Speaker 1: of your skin because you're on such edge. So you 76 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:14,120 Speaker 1: want to make sure that if you feel that way 77 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,200 Speaker 1: in your friendships or relationships, you get take a note 78 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,280 Speaker 1: because that's not normal. That is not a normal way 79 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:21,360 Speaker 1: to live. It's also a very unhealthy way to live, 80 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:23,880 Speaker 1: so you don't want to be doing that. I think 81 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:29,560 Speaker 1: that for narcissists there's also zero accountability ever for anything 82 00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:32,320 Speaker 1: that maybe they do wrong, and that's where that phrase 83 00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:35,080 Speaker 1: gas lighting comes in, which is also a very overuse phrase, 84 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:37,599 Speaker 1: which is unfortunate because I feel like it's lost it's 85 00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:40,679 Speaker 1: appeal and it's a lowre because it's actually a great word. 86 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:44,720 Speaker 1: But when somebody can't own their mistakes, that's a problem. 87 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:46,760 Speaker 1: And then even worse, it can make you feel like 88 00:04:46,839 --> 00:04:49,080 Speaker 1: you're the one that messed up when you didn't. So 89 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:52,240 Speaker 1: you need somebody who's able to just, you know, take 90 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,440 Speaker 1: that accountability for any problems that come up. Problems are 91 00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:57,800 Speaker 1: gonna come up, You're gonna mess up, I'm gonna mess up. 92 00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:00,080 Speaker 1: It's all good, but you gotta own it. Can that 93 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,760 Speaker 1: makes someone feel like they're always the problem when they're not, 94 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:06,960 Speaker 1: that's narcissism, So take note of that in your relationships 95 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:11,120 Speaker 1: as well. I think that kind of piggybacking off of that, 96 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:14,560 Speaker 1: if your mates to feel guilty for something you didn't do, 97 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:18,960 Speaker 1: that's another example. It's like, why are you making me 98 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,200 Speaker 1: feel bad for literally something I had nothing to do with. 99 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:25,480 Speaker 1: It's again somebody not being able to have that accountability, 100 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:27,960 Speaker 1: and it's not a good feeling. You shouldn't have to 101 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:31,080 Speaker 1: deal with that ever in your relationships. I think that 102 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:34,080 Speaker 1: there's also a control aspect with narcissism, When someone's trying 103 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:36,760 Speaker 1: to control you, it can quite often be masked in 104 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,640 Speaker 1: a different emotion like oh, no, I'm doing this to 105 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:43,280 Speaker 1: help you or you know, heal you, or be your 106 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:47,039 Speaker 1: cheerleader or you're champion. But it's not always the case. 107 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,320 Speaker 1: It's like a level of control that some people want. 108 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:54,720 Speaker 1: And when you're being told how to act, what to say, 109 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:57,159 Speaker 1: what not to say, what to eat, what not to eat, 110 00:05:57,200 --> 00:06:00,880 Speaker 1: what to wear, what not to wear, what jobs you 111 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:02,640 Speaker 1: should do, what jobs you shouldn't do, who you should 112 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:06,120 Speaker 1: hang out with, you shouldn't hang out with. It's not good. 113 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:09,240 Speaker 1: Someone shouldn't be trying to ice out your friends, your family, 114 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:12,560 Speaker 1: people like that. You know, the same person I referred 115 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:15,680 Speaker 1: to earlier would quite often make awful remarks about friends 116 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:19,240 Speaker 1: in my life and I'm like, bro, like this is 117 00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:23,080 Speaker 1: like my sister like why are you talking about them 118 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,560 Speaker 1: like that? And meanwhile their friends were no walks in 119 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:27,520 Speaker 1: a park. Like I was like, oh my god, it's 120 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:30,240 Speaker 1: torture hanging out with your friends. But like I never 121 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:31,800 Speaker 1: made a thing about it. I wasn't like, you can't 122 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:35,880 Speaker 1: talk to this person. So when you're when someone's trying 123 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:39,000 Speaker 1: to do that to you for no apparent reason. That's 124 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:42,359 Speaker 1: a problem. That's a problem. So I really hope that 125 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,360 Speaker 1: you take note of that too, because I hate when 126 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:47,680 Speaker 1: people put wedges between people that you love. It's not cool. 127 00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:49,280 Speaker 1: And friends, we'll try to do that too. Friends will 128 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:51,039 Speaker 1: get jealous of other friends and try to have you 129 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,680 Speaker 1: turn your back on a friend, and that's not cool either. 130 00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:58,360 Speaker 1: So it's not just relationships. Another thing is when your 131 00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:01,800 Speaker 1: needs don't matter, because we all have needs, and baby, 132 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:03,880 Speaker 1: our needs need to be met and you need to 133 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:05,359 Speaker 1: be heard and you need to be listened to and 134 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:07,719 Speaker 1: you need to be respected. So when you're made to 135 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:09,720 Speaker 1: feel like your needs don't matter, like what do you 136 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:12,120 Speaker 1: need that for, it's like, come on, because I do. 137 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:13,520 Speaker 1: You don't need to know why I need this for 138 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,320 Speaker 1: or why I don't need this. It's something I need. 139 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:17,800 Speaker 1: I'm telling you I need this, So help me out, 140 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:20,600 Speaker 1: make me feel good, make me feel seen. That's a really, 141 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:23,920 Speaker 1: really really big one. And also like if somebody doesn't 142 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:26,280 Speaker 1: accept lame, it's kind of going back to the not 143 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:29,720 Speaker 1: ever saying sorry, not ever owning their shit. Like that's 144 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:33,360 Speaker 1: also a problem. That's narcissism. One oh one. So there 145 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:36,640 Speaker 1: are very real, world, real things that I want you 146 00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:38,720 Speaker 1: to look out for and pay attention to when it 147 00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:44,040 Speaker 1: comes to your relationships, because it's not fair to you 148 00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:47,960 Speaker 1: and life is way too short to be involved with 149 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:51,480 Speaker 1: people like that. It's draining, It completes your battery. As 150 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:54,240 Speaker 1: I like to say, it sucks your soul out of 151 00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:57,720 Speaker 1: your body. And I spent many years with somebody who 152 00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:01,120 Speaker 1: exhibited a lot of these characteristics and it's not worth it. 153 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:03,760 Speaker 1: It's like for what, for what? And then you beat 154 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,440 Speaker 1: yourself up, like, oh man, why did I waste so 155 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,640 Speaker 1: much time in my life doing that? But I do 156 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:10,440 Speaker 1: believe everything teaches you a reason, and you wouldn't be 157 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:11,960 Speaker 1: able to be where you are today if you don't 158 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,320 Speaker 1: go through that stuff. And I so appreciate my friends 159 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:18,560 Speaker 1: and my marriage more than ever because I know what 160 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:21,160 Speaker 1: I've dealt with in the past. So I think it 161 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:23,600 Speaker 1: does teach you something. So don't beat yourself up if 162 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:25,640 Speaker 1: you have gone through that or you are going through that, 163 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:29,120 Speaker 1: but just know like you don't deserve to deal with 164 00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:32,480 Speaker 1: that on a regular basis. And it's something that I 165 00:08:32,559 --> 00:08:35,600 Speaker 1: truly believe is it's hard to spot when you're in 166 00:08:35,679 --> 00:08:40,719 Speaker 1: the moment because if you're anything like me, you want 167 00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:43,000 Speaker 1: to see the good in everybody and you want to 168 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:45,880 Speaker 1: believe the good in everybody. But there comes a certain 169 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:49,120 Speaker 1: point where you got to say, oh, hell no, I 170 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:52,280 Speaker 1: see what's going on here. I'm not okay with it. 171 00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:55,520 Speaker 1: This isn't gonna fly. This is my life and we're 172 00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:58,760 Speaker 1: not gonna work with whatever. This is so peace out 173 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:04,600 Speaker 1: like out. It's exhausting to be around those types of people. 174 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:07,640 Speaker 1: And the good news is it's never too late. It's 175 00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:12,280 Speaker 1: never too late to identify those people, to read and 176 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:17,160 Speaker 1: see the warning signs and realize I'm possibly friends with 177 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:21,760 Speaker 1: or dating a narcissistic person, and it's okay to get 178 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:23,959 Speaker 1: out of it. And I'm very passionate you guys about 179 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:28,000 Speaker 1: this because I am so gung ho on this idea 180 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,880 Speaker 1: that we have one life to live and I've made 181 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:33,760 Speaker 1: mistakes in my past, and that's why I talk about 182 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,960 Speaker 1: this stuff quite a lot. On my Tommy talks things 183 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:39,400 Speaker 1: that can possibly help you and you know, maybe make 184 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:41,640 Speaker 1: you make less of a mistake than I've made, or 185 00:09:41,679 --> 00:09:44,160 Speaker 1: make you get through something a little quicker than I 186 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,600 Speaker 1: got through something. Because things have taken time for me 187 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:49,400 Speaker 1: in my life longer than I have wanted them to 188 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:52,080 Speaker 1: last for and when I look back at it, and 189 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:56,559 Speaker 1: I just want everybody to have the life that they deserve, 190 00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:59,520 Speaker 1: being surrounded by people that they deserve, to be surrounded 191 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,440 Speaker 1: by fear, feel like they are the king and queen 192 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:04,480 Speaker 1: of their own life. And no one is trying to 193 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,560 Speaker 1: knock that crown off your head because you don't deserve that. 194 00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:09,680 Speaker 1: So I want you to hold that crown up high. 195 00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:12,400 Speaker 1: You shine the hell out of that crown, and don't 196 00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:14,440 Speaker 1: let anyone try to dull it. Okay, the point of 197 00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:17,200 Speaker 1: this talk is to let you know to not let 198 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:19,600 Speaker 1: anyone try to dull it. So I hope this helps 199 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:23,880 Speaker 1: you today. Keep shining that crown, baby, And here's to 200 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:28,280 Speaker 1: having people in our lives that truly, truly make us 201 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:34,199 Speaker 1: feel good. I've Never Said This Before is hosted by 202 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:38,920 Speaker 1: Me Tommy Diderio. This podcast is executive produced by Andrew 203 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:42,800 Speaker 1: Piglisi at iHeartRadio and by Me Tommy, with editing by 204 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:46,480 Speaker 1: Joshua Colaudney. I've Never Said This Before is part of 205 00:10:46,559 --> 00:10:50,600 Speaker 1: the Elvis Duran podcast Network on iHeart Podcasts. For more, 206 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,800 Speaker 1: rate review and subscribe to our show and if you 207 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:53,959 Speaker 1: like