WEBVTT - Sting & Trudie Styler 0:00:14.836 --> 0:00:29.276 Pushkin. Hi, I'm Phil Donahue and I'm Marlowe Thomas, and 0:00:29.436 --> 0:00:32.356 we're going on a series of double dates to find 0:00:32.396 --> 0:00:40.356 out what makes a marriage last. You only have to 0:00:40.396 --> 0:00:43.916 be around Sting and Trudy Styler for a minute to 0:00:43.996 --> 0:00:48.156 feel the electricity between them. Their building is a gorgeous 0:00:48.196 --> 0:00:51.356 modern with lots of curves. In fact, Sting says he 0:00:51.396 --> 0:00:55.396 was attracted to it because it's so female, no sharp corners. 0:00:55.836 --> 0:00:58.996 When we first walked into their home, there was Sting 0:00:59.356 --> 0:01:02.196 tucked into the sofa with his head in a book. 0:01:03.076 --> 0:01:05.636 He told us the boss would be here in a moment, 0:01:06.036 --> 0:01:09.956 and right on Q Trudy breezed into the room. She 0:01:10.076 --> 0:01:13.036 invited us to sit at a long wooden table where 0:01:13.076 --> 0:01:15.916 every chair was a different color. I chose the red 0:01:15.916 --> 0:01:19.436 one and Phil chose the green. I could immediately see 0:01:19.476 --> 0:01:23.476 the connection, the little touches between them. They even finished 0:01:23.516 --> 0:01:27.996 each other's sentences. Interestingly, when they first met in nineteen 0:01:28.036 --> 0:01:31.796 eighty two, they were both with other people and that's 0:01:31.796 --> 0:01:38.516 where our conversation began. We were neighbors. We were neighbors British, 0:01:38.796 --> 0:01:42.756 We're both British, were from the north of England. We 0:01:42.916 --> 0:01:48.916 found ourselves in London living with other people, but neighbors. 0:01:49.516 --> 0:01:52.676 You know, when you meet somebody and you recognize them. 0:01:53.716 --> 0:01:55.916 I mean that might be wisdom in hindsight, but I 0:01:56.116 --> 0:01:59.196 recognize Trudy as someone that I could spend the rest 0:01:59.196 --> 0:02:03.756 of my life with better. I saw it clearly. I 0:02:03.876 --> 0:02:07.996 just knew who she was instantly. Well, that must have 0:02:07.996 --> 0:02:10.676 been cutter hard if you were neighbors. It was very 0:02:10.676 --> 0:02:13.436 difficult at first because we were not supposed to be together, 0:02:13.516 --> 0:02:16.156 so we fought that off for a couple of years. 0:02:17.316 --> 0:02:21.276 That instinct en, did you too know right away or 0:02:23.556 --> 0:02:28.516 it's like a recognition of somebody that you you feel 0:02:28.556 --> 0:02:31.196 you know, we actually don't really know, but there's something 0:02:31.236 --> 0:02:35.396 that is drawing you too closer to someone. And of 0:02:35.396 --> 0:02:38.916 course it wasn't it. It was the least ideal situation 0:02:38.996 --> 0:02:42.956 that you can imagine. Neither Sting nor truly were prepared 0:02:43.356 --> 0:02:46.556 for the feelings. The situation would unleash that, and then 0:02:46.636 --> 0:02:49.276 when it happens to you, it's like it's a It's 0:02:49.276 --> 0:02:52.076 just like a storm coming at you, a tidal wave. 0:02:52.556 --> 0:02:55.396 And when we began being a couple and moved in 0:02:55.436 --> 0:03:02.276 with each other, you know, it was it was not 0:03:02.316 --> 0:03:05.996 without its challenges, and the media interest was right, and 0:03:06.036 --> 0:03:09.996 the media interest was how did you know trust each other? 0:03:10.036 --> 0:03:13.356 How did that come about? I think there was there 0:03:13.436 --> 0:03:16.876 was a chapter in our history when there was us 0:03:16.916 --> 0:03:20.076 against the world. You know, we were in a foxhol 0:03:20.996 --> 0:03:24.036 and you basically have to trust that person because you're 0:03:24.036 --> 0:03:28.356 surrounded by danger. So I think that was very formative. 0:03:29.396 --> 0:03:32.396 And I was a mess and she protected me. When 0:03:32.516 --> 0:03:35.436 when I hear questions about you know, oh you madly 0:03:35.476 --> 0:03:37.476 in love and passionate and all of that, all of 0:03:37.516 --> 0:03:41.116 that is, yes, it's true. But I think that friendship too, 0:03:41.356 --> 0:03:45.636 you know, needs to be part of a discussion about 0:03:45.636 --> 0:03:51.436 the longevity of a marriage or a relationship. Otherwise, within 0:03:51.476 --> 0:03:55.916 these circumstances that us coming together, we couldn't have lasted. 0:03:56.996 --> 0:03:59.196 And you are brought up the thing about the passion. 0:03:59.196 --> 0:04:02.636 Of course, all over every word we read about the 0:04:02.676 --> 0:04:05.796 tantra sex, is that what it's called. We had a 0:04:05.876 --> 0:04:09.516 viewed President Carter and his wife and I and they 0:04:09.556 --> 0:04:11.796 talked about reading the Bible every night, and I said, 0:04:11.796 --> 0:04:14.516 won't have you more interesting if Sting and Trudy Ray 0:04:14.916 --> 0:04:18.236 read the Bible every night and President Carter his wife 0:04:18.236 --> 0:04:22.396 and wild sex. That would make a better book. How 0:04:22.436 --> 0:04:26.596 do you know they don't, Well, we don't have this 0:04:26.676 --> 0:04:32.916 kind of sex all the time. I mean, we have 0:04:32.996 --> 0:04:39.596 a pretty intense sexual charge between us still, But as 0:04:39.636 --> 0:04:43.916 Trudy said, it's that's kind of ephemeral. What's important is 0:04:43.956 --> 0:04:47.196 that I really like this woman and she really likes 0:04:47.236 --> 0:04:52.396 me despite knowing me. And that's so important. I mean, 0:04:52.636 --> 0:04:57.396 the sexual thinking cool off. It doesn't have to be 0:04:57.436 --> 0:05:03.276 supercharged the whole time. But the affection for another person 0:05:03.476 --> 0:05:05.956 when she walks into the room, she likes my room up, 0:05:06.676 --> 0:05:09.436 And it's got nothing to do with sex. Actually, it's 0:05:09.436 --> 0:05:12.596 all to do with liking the way that person presents 0:05:12.596 --> 0:05:15.956 herself in the world, liking the decisions she makes, the 0:05:16.356 --> 0:05:21.156 comments she makes, the observations she makes, and respecting them 0:05:21.316 --> 0:05:27.916 and really enjoying her company. I enjoy her company. What 0:05:28.236 --> 0:05:30.436 do we do like a good hotel room? Though? Right, 0:05:32.356 --> 0:05:34.756 how don't you keep us sexy life going? With kids 0:05:34.756 --> 0:05:38.156 in the house, I wouldn't be catching up with staying on, 0:05:38.396 --> 0:05:41.156 you know, on various tours. This is a man who's 0:05:41.196 --> 0:05:43.716 you know, I'm married to a gypsy who you know, 0:05:43.796 --> 0:05:51.076 he's his life has been tenerant. I like that word. 0:05:52.356 --> 0:05:56.636 Perpatetic tell us the basis of the tantra sex. I 0:05:56.716 --> 0:06:00.196 think it's called tantric sex. Okay, we've we've studied yoga 0:06:00.236 --> 0:06:04.116 for over thirty years now. Yoga comes from the same 0:06:04.476 --> 0:06:10.356 route as the word yoga. And what yoga does yokes 0:06:10.396 --> 0:06:15.156 your movement in the world with your consciousness of it. 0:06:15.836 --> 0:06:18.476 So you can be sitting down and doing yoga, can 0:06:18.476 --> 0:06:21.196 be standing up and doing yoga. You can eat and 0:06:21.276 --> 0:06:24.716 do yoga. You're connecting it to something greater than yourself, 0:06:24.796 --> 0:06:29.356 to a spiritual life. You can have sex and do yoga. 0:06:29.636 --> 0:06:33.116 You know, sex is a sacred act. You can make children. 0:06:33.436 --> 0:06:36.476 You know this, You make children that way. So it's 0:06:36.596 --> 0:06:39.476 it's not just a stretch for me, because this is 0:06:39.716 --> 0:06:48.836 a sacrament that we share too to celebrate existing, being alive, 0:06:48.916 --> 0:06:52.076 being together. And it's got nothing to do with how 0:06:52.116 --> 0:06:55.356 long you make love for it. That's that's just silly talk. 0:06:55.436 --> 0:06:58.956 It's actually about being conscious about what you're doing. You know. 0:06:58.996 --> 0:07:01.356 This is the tabloid version, is that we have sex 0:07:01.396 --> 0:07:03.916 for you know, five or six hours. And what Sting 0:07:04.036 --> 0:07:08.196 is saying is it's about really like being connected to 0:07:08.276 --> 0:07:12.596 that person to take time, you know, and I don't 0:07:12.596 --> 0:07:15.876 know what the time could be, but it's during that 0:07:15.916 --> 0:07:19.676 time that you're together. It's you're together, very connected to 0:07:19.716 --> 0:07:22.876 each other, you know, kissing for a long time, like 0:07:23.636 --> 0:07:27.996 preparing a meal together, eating together. Just like that, you 0:07:28.116 --> 0:07:36.076 feel that you're at one with that with with your love. Yeah, yeah, 0:07:36.116 --> 0:07:41.556 I've never been. Yeah, occasionally, but that's a wonderful explanation 0:07:41.596 --> 0:07:45.156 of it. Well, you know, I say to Staying, like, 0:07:45.916 --> 0:07:48.596 I love you in the in between moments of life. 0:07:49.796 --> 0:07:55.796 The other day, we've had some some sort of upsetting 0:07:55.836 --> 0:08:00.396 news about a friend who's got a health crisis, and 0:08:01.676 --> 0:08:04.676 and I could see how sad you looked, and we 0:08:04.756 --> 0:08:09.916 were just right right here, and I took your face 0:08:09.996 --> 0:08:12.076 in my hands and looked in your eyes and I 0:08:13.036 --> 0:08:15.956 just held you, and I could see that you actually, 0:08:16.996 --> 0:08:23.876 amidst the sadness that you felt, fear, and I acknowledge 0:08:23.956 --> 0:08:27.876 that with you know that we've had so many years 0:08:27.916 --> 0:08:32.316 together that are now behind us, and so we also 0:08:32.516 --> 0:08:36.116 become aware when we get to the age that we 0:08:36.156 --> 0:08:39.276 are that it is going to end. But for me, 0:08:39.956 --> 0:08:44.396 in that moment, the in between moment of holding stings 0:08:44.556 --> 0:08:49.316 face in my hands and looking in his eyes, it's like, please, 0:08:49.836 --> 0:08:54.116 let us be well and have these moments forever kind 0:08:54.116 --> 0:09:03.756 of about in a personal conflict. Certainly, you know this 0:09:03.996 --> 0:09:09.076 is not a Disney movie. There's one of you power, 0:09:09.396 --> 0:09:13.196 there's one of you shut up. We don't actually fight 0:09:13.316 --> 0:09:15.636 very much. No. I tried fighting with thing because I 0:09:15.716 --> 0:09:19.076 used to be a very volatile person and he's taught 0:09:19.076 --> 0:09:21.316 me to be a less volatile person. And I'll tell 0:09:21.356 --> 0:09:25.556 you why. Because he does not deal with people yelling 0:09:26.076 --> 0:09:28.916 very well at him, and he has a very simple 0:09:29.076 --> 0:09:34.236 way to it's probably in your psyche very complex. But 0:09:34.676 --> 0:09:39.356 when I thirty something years ago, did my trudy yelling 0:09:39.676 --> 0:09:43.636 at you for I don't know whatever was upsetting me. 0:09:44.396 --> 0:09:47.356 You just the veil just comes down and you just 0:09:47.876 --> 0:09:52.236 like look at me. And I remember I'd started to 0:09:52.316 --> 0:09:55.156 yell and I'd said I can't, we can't, we can 0:09:55.236 --> 0:09:58.276 never yell in front of our children. I really said, 0:09:58.316 --> 0:10:00.436 out a rule. And he was not a yell or anyway. 0:10:00.436 --> 0:10:02.796 So I said come outside. And we were living at 0:10:02.956 --> 0:10:06.796 Lake House, and we went up to for a little 0:10:06.796 --> 0:10:09.596 walk and I was like shouting and yelling and then 0:10:10.116 --> 0:10:12.356 you climbed over a fence and there was a field 0:10:12.356 --> 0:10:14.876 of sheeps there and I carried on with my leg 0:10:14.956 --> 0:10:17.916 and you're this and you've absolutely always you bluddy this 0:10:18.076 --> 0:10:21.516 and you and I looked around and these sheep were 0:10:21.516 --> 0:10:24.716 all going and then I looked at your face and 0:10:24.756 --> 0:10:31.156 you're going like So I was thinking, voice of my energy, 0:10:33.516 --> 0:10:46.156 we'll have more. After a quick break, we're back to 0:10:46.276 --> 0:10:50.796 our interview with Sting and Trudy Styler. When we left off, 0:10:50.876 --> 0:10:55.236 they were recounting an argument they had. Trudy was shouting 0:10:55.316 --> 0:10:58.956 in a field of sheep, while Sting calmly looked on 0:10:59.276 --> 0:11:02.436 in silence. So I thought, I better, like switch out 0:11:02.516 --> 0:11:08.516 my strategy of trying to resolve conflict. How can we 0:11:08.556 --> 0:11:14.396 do this best? Accuse? Yeah, I mean when you get mad, 0:11:14.476 --> 0:11:16.676 it's hard to say, okay, let's have a nice talk, 0:11:17.116 --> 0:11:19.036 or I don't accuse you of anything, and you don't 0:11:19.036 --> 0:11:23.596 accuse me of anything. I mean, my family were very voluted. 0:11:23.716 --> 0:11:27.276 My parents were always fighting, So I never wanted that 0:11:27.316 --> 0:11:30.036 in my life. That was just toxic for me. So 0:11:30.876 --> 0:11:35.436 you were instructed to behave in an apode. Yeah. I 0:11:35.476 --> 0:11:38.196 think I was educated by watching my parents, who were 0:11:38.276 --> 0:11:40.916 very young. My mother was a teen much yeah, my 0:11:40.956 --> 0:11:45.596 father was twenty or something. I saw how they reacted 0:11:45.636 --> 0:11:48.956 with each other in front of us. And that's the 0:11:49.036 --> 0:11:52.196 last thing I wanted, I think, And I don't lose 0:11:52.196 --> 0:11:58.356 my temper now, actually don't. How about your parents, I 0:11:58.396 --> 0:12:01.196 think my dad was just a very shut down person, 0:12:01.636 --> 0:12:08.956 spoke monosyllabically, literally staying. When he met Harry would say, 0:12:08.876 --> 0:12:13.356 you know, my father would go you're up. Then as 0:12:13.356 --> 0:12:17.716 soon would say, yes, Harry, I'm up, and then someone 0:12:17.716 --> 0:12:21.356 would leave the room and say you're off. Then yes, Harry, 0:12:21.476 --> 0:12:25.276 we're off. Now. He had this thing about never speak 0:12:25.356 --> 0:12:27.516 until you're spoken to, and that led for quite a 0:12:27.516 --> 0:12:29.956 lonely life, and a very lonely life for my mom, 0:12:30.276 --> 0:12:33.716 who was very vivacious and very outgoing and very kind 0:12:33.716 --> 0:12:40.796 of like assertive, and I always felt that she envied 0:12:42.076 --> 0:12:47.516 wives with more gregarious husbands. I noticed Sting touches you 0:12:47.556 --> 0:12:51.276 a lot, as he might be he might be queuing 0:12:51.276 --> 0:12:58.836 me to shut up. It's a sign of affection. I 0:12:58.916 --> 0:13:01.436 think that, you know, when he touches me like that, 0:13:03.556 --> 0:13:08.036 I consider that, you know, for somebody who's you know 0:13:08.236 --> 0:13:12.076 in my sixth is that when my husband says I 0:13:12.116 --> 0:13:15.476 look beautiful, and or he admires the dress I'm wearing, 0:13:15.836 --> 0:13:18.076 I start to walk on air. Again like I did 0:13:18.116 --> 0:13:21.876 when I was thirty. However, if I don't like what's wearing, 0:13:22.836 --> 0:13:25.916 say it. I know so does my husband and say, look, 0:13:25.956 --> 0:13:28.036 if you want to believe me when I don't like it, 0:13:28.156 --> 0:13:30.956 then it's the same when I want to say I 0:13:30.996 --> 0:13:33.996 like it, I'm telling the truth. So you make a choice. 0:13:34.436 --> 0:13:38.676 We can trust that it still hurts your feeling. Sometimes 0:13:38.676 --> 0:13:40.676 he tells me on the way down in the elevator, 0:13:40.676 --> 0:13:43.756 I got, oh god, it's too late because I make 0:13:43.796 --> 0:13:45.836 the stupid mistake of saying do you like this? And 0:13:45.956 --> 0:13:50.596 he'll say, you have better things than that. Do you 0:13:50.716 --> 0:13:55.956 feel that if you drift away from each other because 0:13:56.116 --> 0:13:59.436 you've been traveling a lot, or you have your own 0:13:59.836 --> 0:14:02.276 issues while you're making a movie and you're really busy 0:14:02.316 --> 0:14:05.036 and you've got a thousand fires, just let out and 0:14:05.236 --> 0:14:10.956 you as well. When that happens, how do you reset? 0:14:11.556 --> 0:14:13.596 I think you have to raise a flag and say, look, 0:14:13.876 --> 0:14:17.556 I'm feeling we need to sit just sit down and 0:14:17.676 --> 0:14:20.076 not even talk to sit down because I lives are 0:14:20.076 --> 0:14:24.196 so busy and I sometimes I don't like the cell phone. 0:14:24.836 --> 0:14:27.596 She's on the cell phone work. I don't like it 0:14:27.636 --> 0:14:31.356 to feel that's invasive. I mean I will make a 0:14:31.436 --> 0:14:34.676 call on mine and then I'll turn it off. Yeah, 0:14:34.716 --> 0:14:37.796 this is my habit. That's a problem for me because 0:14:38.476 --> 0:14:40.516 when stings on the road, he makes the call to 0:14:40.596 --> 0:14:44.396 me every day, and if I miss it and I 0:14:44.476 --> 0:14:47.436 try to call him back, his phone is off. So 0:14:47.476 --> 0:14:49.956 it's like I can speak to you on your terms, 0:14:49.956 --> 0:14:55.276 but you can call me anytime you want. Actually, it's 0:14:55.316 --> 0:14:58.316 that's not true. You're not easy to get either. The 0:14:58.356 --> 0:15:03.436 big accommodation is absolutely no phones. When we eat, it's 0:15:03.436 --> 0:15:05.916 a ritual, it's a ritual. And then when you sit 0:15:05.996 --> 0:15:11.796 down that they're coming together over food and wine. It's 0:15:11.836 --> 0:15:15.236 a sacrament. It's like we're all together now. But I 0:15:15.996 --> 0:15:20.196 can see that My life as a producer involves this 0:15:20.316 --> 0:15:24.196 constant communication and putting out fires of you know, all 0:15:24.276 --> 0:15:27.956 the things that go wrong on sets with films and 0:15:28.116 --> 0:15:30.956 television stuff, and it's it's it's it's a constant because 0:15:30.956 --> 0:15:33.756 as a producer, you're like mom, It's like mom, something 0:15:33.796 --> 0:15:38.876 else has gone wrong, and right, can you say what 0:15:38.956 --> 0:15:41.516 you think is the strength of your marriage and what 0:15:41.756 --> 0:15:44.556 is the weakness of your marriage that you have to 0:15:44.596 --> 0:15:47.796 work on. I mean, it's not something that is just 0:15:47.876 --> 0:15:51.556 kind of settled like a treaty, well, constantly negotiating and 0:15:51.636 --> 0:15:57.956 constantly navigating each other. But a rock star to fall 0:15:57.996 --> 0:16:01.156 in love with a rock star, big mistake is a 0:16:01.636 --> 0:16:04.676 very dangerous thing to happen, isn't it. Where are you 0:16:04.796 --> 0:16:13.956 going with this? I'm a romantic wie. It's a stereotype. Yeah, 0:16:14.276 --> 0:16:17.236 it's only it's only partially true. How do you know though? 0:16:17.236 --> 0:16:20.276 It's how do you know? You know? It used to 0:16:20.276 --> 0:16:26.036 be really difficult with just feeling so jealous all the time. 0:16:26.276 --> 0:16:29.516 That's right, Yeah, it was that, And I am a 0:16:29.636 --> 0:16:34.716 very jealous person. So I've had to you're literally saying, so, yeah, 0:16:34.756 --> 0:16:37.436 so I've had to sort of like look at what 0:16:37.996 --> 0:16:42.636 where does my jealousy come from? And growing up, you know, 0:16:42.676 --> 0:16:47.636 as one of three girls, being jealous about getting attention 0:16:48.356 --> 0:16:52.316 was like something that we had in our household. Where 0:16:52.356 --> 0:16:56.876 were you in the order? Middle? Yeah? Did you do 0:16:56.956 --> 0:16:59.516 that with? So not to begin with, because I was 0:16:59.556 --> 0:17:04.276 sort of like trying to, you know, really swallow my 0:17:04.436 --> 0:17:08.476 pride about well I'm pretty too and I'm the girlfriend 0:17:08.556 --> 0:17:13.476 now and to assert myself as getting through this sort 0:17:13.516 --> 0:17:16.876 of like rage of young women saying to me like, 0:17:17.636 --> 0:17:22.596 do you know how lucky you are, and I sort 0:17:22.596 --> 0:17:30.236 of like he's a fucking lucky one, which I think 0:17:30.276 --> 0:17:35.196 I did say a few times you must and now 0:17:36.276 --> 0:17:38.556 you know, it's sort of like it goes away. It's 0:17:38.556 --> 0:17:41.676 sort of like lessons. I felt that when I first 0:17:41.716 --> 0:17:44.676 met Phil every woman in America wanted to be married 0:17:44.676 --> 0:17:46.916 to him. In fact, when we got married, I got 0:17:46.996 --> 0:17:49.956 letters saying how could you marry him? You know, a 0:17:50.036 --> 0:17:52.716 woman wrote me and said, every morning at nine o'clock, 0:17:52.956 --> 0:17:55.356 when my husband and children leave the house, I put 0:17:55.396 --> 0:17:58.156 on my lipstick and turn on Phil show. I mean, 0:17:58.156 --> 0:18:02.516 they actually had a fantasy about him. So it certainly 0:18:02.556 --> 0:18:04.956 isn't the same as as with a rock star because 0:18:04.956 --> 0:18:08.076 that's so sexual. And so I don't know. So did 0:18:08.076 --> 0:18:10.716 you tell Stane, did you say, look, I'm having trouble 0:18:10.756 --> 0:18:14.476 with this or don't. Well, he walks very fast, and 0:18:14.516 --> 0:18:20.196 I used to like wear enormous high heels and Azadina 0:18:20.276 --> 0:18:23.556 liar dresses and like be really kind of like dressed 0:18:23.596 --> 0:18:26.036 to the nines when we were in public, and you know, 0:18:26.356 --> 0:18:29.356 take a lot of effort to look so great and 0:18:31.516 --> 0:18:35.836 sting to navigate hordes of people. He would be walking 0:18:35.876 --> 0:18:39.396 like in front of me to get away from all 0:18:39.436 --> 0:18:42.956 the crowds, thinking that I would be all right, and 0:18:43.036 --> 0:18:47.396 I would sort of feel like, I look like six 0:18:47.436 --> 0:18:49.356 inch heels, I can't keep up with you, And I 0:18:49.396 --> 0:18:52.436 wouldn't keep up with you even if I was wearing sneakers, 0:18:52.476 --> 0:18:57.676 because I saw that he was navigating that public persona 0:18:57.876 --> 0:19:02.036 thing really bothered me. But then you know, we started 0:19:02.036 --> 0:19:05.876 to We talked about, you know, jealousy issues and me 0:19:06.036 --> 0:19:09.716 coming to terms with his public persona and his private 0:19:09.756 --> 0:19:13.036 persona really nothing to do with each other. No, I've 0:19:13.036 --> 0:19:16.156 been there too, Yeah, and I think it's jealousy is 0:19:16.956 --> 0:19:22.556 in everybody's heart, everybody you get territorial. This is my guy, Yeah, 0:19:22.636 --> 0:19:25.476 don't touch him. And I know the girls that I 0:19:25.556 --> 0:19:30.596 know the women, I know all of the ones. As 0:19:30.596 --> 0:19:33.476 soon as I come into a room, I go like 0:19:33.516 --> 0:19:35.916 I have I can kind of pick him out. Oh yeah, 0:19:35.956 --> 0:19:40.796 this one, I like that one. Be those I know 0:19:40.916 --> 0:19:45.116 his taste in. Yeah, he's such a gentleman and very 0:19:45.676 --> 0:19:47.556 enigmatic with the way that he does it. But of 0:19:47.596 --> 0:19:50.156 course I know him so well. I know his body 0:19:50.236 --> 0:19:54.076 language so well. I know every those eyes who have 0:19:54.156 --> 0:19:59.916 they you know, they seemingly you know when I'm fancying 0:19:59.916 --> 0:20:03.596 somebody on the on the cinema screen TV. I lean 0:20:03.716 --> 0:20:08.636 over and I say, the third one on the right. Yeah. Well, 0:20:08.676 --> 0:20:10.796 I love that you walk into a room and can 0:20:10.876 --> 0:20:14.836 spot the ones. Yeah, that's so fascinating to me. Yeah yeah, 0:20:14.996 --> 0:20:18.156 can you do that too? Yeah, he knows my taste 0:20:18.236 --> 0:20:21.716 as well. Usually older men, I'm the youngest man. It's 0:20:21.716 --> 0:20:26.836 true you lived together for how long before you ten years? 0:20:27.396 --> 0:20:30.756 You lived together for ten years. We had three children 0:20:30.996 --> 0:20:33.756 in the ten years that we lived together, So I 0:20:33.796 --> 0:20:38.996 assume you you recommend that living together. Yeah, no, I 0:20:39.036 --> 0:20:43.916 don't really. I think that I had no idea when 0:20:43.916 --> 0:20:46.236 we got married. First of all, we got married because 0:20:46.236 --> 0:20:48.436 our kids had started to be a bit bullied at 0:20:48.476 --> 0:20:52.516 school because we moved from urban splendor London. You know, 0:20:52.596 --> 0:20:56.396 everybody living together and not particularly being married, and that 0:20:56.476 --> 0:21:00.916 was okay, But moving into the countryside in England is 0:21:00.956 --> 0:21:04.596 a very different thing, and not being married and having 0:21:04.636 --> 0:21:07.436 three kids going to school, it became an issue for 0:21:07.476 --> 0:21:10.996 the kids. Why didn't you marry? I didn't re marry. 0:21:11.076 --> 0:21:13.876 I think it was because I'm going so well for 0:21:14.236 --> 0:21:17.036 I think that what I remember you saying is the 0:21:17.036 --> 0:21:21.396 biggest failure that you ever felt, was that you failed 0:21:21.396 --> 0:21:25.676 in a marriage, you failed your marriage, and that you 0:21:25.796 --> 0:21:31.596 never wanted to fail again, and that I respected that. 0:21:31.996 --> 0:21:33.836 So I think I was okay with it for a 0:21:33.836 --> 0:21:37.276 few years. And then one of the kids came back 0:21:37.316 --> 0:21:40.076 from school and said, somebody said I'm a bastard. Is 0:21:40.076 --> 0:21:48.836 it true? I said, no, that's your dad. When you 0:21:48.956 --> 0:21:52.636 got married, after living together and had these babies and all, 0:21:53.316 --> 0:21:56.396 once you got married, did that change anything? Didn't make 0:21:56.436 --> 0:21:59.596 it different now that you had signed this covenant. It 0:21:59.676 --> 0:22:06.316 actually people gave truly much more respect and deference than 0:22:06.436 --> 0:22:09.596 they did before. And then we were both I was 0:22:09.636 --> 0:22:12.956 proud to say, this is my wife. Yeah. I remember 0:22:12.996 --> 0:22:17.876 the first invitation that came to us after we were married. 0:22:18.356 --> 0:22:20.796 It had always been even in the ten years that 0:22:20.836 --> 0:22:25.396 we were together, these you know things that you're invited 0:22:25.436 --> 0:22:34.756 to Sting and guest. It would really smash my feelings, 0:22:34.916 --> 0:22:40.956 you know, and I would often decline or have somebody 0:22:40.996 --> 0:22:44.316 call and say that Sting and Trudy would be delighted 0:22:44.356 --> 0:22:47.796 to accept and whatever. But when I remember the first 0:22:47.796 --> 0:22:52.996 invitation that came mister and missus Sumner, and I was like, oh, 0:22:53.036 --> 0:22:54.676 and then you know, I didn't have to try so 0:22:54.796 --> 0:22:58.196 bloody hard after that. So, what do you think makes 0:22:58.356 --> 0:23:05.996 a marriage last? Luck? I don't discount that word that 0:23:06.076 --> 0:23:08.756 it's when you say luck, you mean it's it's a 0:23:08.796 --> 0:23:12.836 four thing. Yeah, but I think that we when we 0:23:12.916 --> 0:23:16.196 look at someone's chemistry with each other and there's an 0:23:16.236 --> 0:23:20.836 instant like I know I like you. In our case, 0:23:20.996 --> 0:23:23.996 we laughed at the same things, and we noticed that 0:23:24.036 --> 0:23:28.276 we laughed at the same things. We were similar ages, 0:23:28.436 --> 0:23:34.276 we're from similar backgrounds, our terms of reference, nostalgias are 0:23:34.316 --> 0:23:37.956 the same. You know, our brand of humor is the same. 0:23:38.036 --> 0:23:43.116 And I remember there was a there's a wonderful quote 0:23:43.156 --> 0:23:48.476 from Jean Paul Sartre's wife. She said, why share a 0:23:48.556 --> 0:23:50.516 room when you can share the world? And we do 0:23:50.636 --> 0:23:54.036 share the world, and she was right. It's like I 0:23:54.076 --> 0:23:58.476 feel him almost, you know, in his absences where he is, 0:23:58.516 --> 0:24:01.956 and I sometimes my intuition tells me I don't think 0:24:02.076 --> 0:24:04.836 things very well today, and I'll call and you know, 0:24:04.876 --> 0:24:07.716 I can feel that. You know you're in my orbit. 0:24:07.756 --> 0:24:10.636 Do you feel that? Yeah, you just sort of psychically 0:24:10.716 --> 0:24:14.876 get connected up, especially when we're traveling. Yeah, exactly. And 0:24:14.956 --> 0:24:18.036 I get great excitement when Sting's been away. You know, 0:24:18.156 --> 0:24:21.316 I'll pretty myself up for his return, and my heart 0:24:21.316 --> 0:24:24.396 will beat faster. I know he's coming home. He's coming 0:24:24.436 --> 0:24:28.076 home today, and I'll be as giddy as the young girl. 0:24:28.676 --> 0:24:33.116 You know that's great. So there you have it, the 0:24:33.236 --> 0:24:38.236 unbreakable bond between Sting and Trudy Styler. Until next time. 0:24:38.836 --> 0:24:41.876 I'm Phil down A Hue and I'm Marlowe Thomas. I 0:24:41.916 --> 0:24:46.396 think we've tortured. It's just the most wonderful thing to 0:24:46.396 --> 0:24:50.396 talk to such an inspiring couple as you so much. 0:24:50.916 --> 0:24:52.796 I don't blame you for marrying each other. I would 0:24:52.796 --> 0:24:55.516 have married either one of you any time. You're adorable, 0:24:56.116 --> 0:25:00.236 both of you. Double Data is a production of Pushkin Industries. 0:25:00.476 --> 0:25:03.836 The show was created by US and produced by Sarah Lily. 0:25:04.476 --> 0:25:08.996 Michael Bahari is associate producer. Musical adaptations of It Had 0:25:09.116 --> 0:25:13.356 to Be You by Sellwagon, Sympinette Marlo and I are 0:25:13.436 --> 0:25:19.356 executive producers, along with Mia Lobel and Letal Molad from Pushkin. 0:25:20.236 --> 0:25:26.276 Special thanks to Jacob Wiseburg, Malcolm Gladwell, Heather Faine, John Snars, 0:25:26.716 --> 0:25:33.316 Carly Migliori, Eric Sandler, Emily Rostak, Jason Gambrel, Paul Williams, 0:25:33.556 --> 0:25:38.236 and Bruce Kluger. If you like our show, please remember 0:25:38.276 --> 0:25:42.236 to share, rate, and review. Thanks for listening.