1 00:00:14,836 --> 00:00:29,276 Speaker 1: Pushkin. Hi, I'm Phil Donahue and I'm Marlowe Thomas, and 2 00:00:29,436 --> 00:00:32,356 Speaker 1: we're going on a series of double dates to find 3 00:00:32,396 --> 00:00:40,356 Speaker 1: out what makes a marriage last. You only have to 4 00:00:40,396 --> 00:00:43,916 Speaker 1: be around Sting and Trudy Styler for a minute to 5 00:00:43,996 --> 00:00:48,156 Speaker 1: feel the electricity between them. Their building is a gorgeous 6 00:00:48,196 --> 00:00:51,356 Speaker 1: modern with lots of curves. In fact, Sting says he 7 00:00:51,396 --> 00:00:55,396 Speaker 1: was attracted to it because it's so female, no sharp corners. 8 00:00:55,836 --> 00:00:58,996 Speaker 1: When we first walked into their home, there was Sting 9 00:00:59,356 --> 00:01:02,196 Speaker 1: tucked into the sofa with his head in a book. 10 00:01:03,076 --> 00:01:05,636 Speaker 1: He told us the boss would be here in a moment, 11 00:01:06,036 --> 00:01:09,956 Speaker 1: and right on Q Trudy breezed into the room. She 12 00:01:10,076 --> 00:01:13,036 Speaker 1: invited us to sit at a long wooden table where 13 00:01:13,076 --> 00:01:15,916 Speaker 1: every chair was a different color. I chose the red 14 00:01:15,916 --> 00:01:19,436 Speaker 1: one and Phil chose the green. I could immediately see 15 00:01:19,476 --> 00:01:23,476 Speaker 1: the connection, the little touches between them. They even finished 16 00:01:23,516 --> 00:01:27,996 Speaker 1: each other's sentences. Interestingly, when they first met in nineteen 17 00:01:28,036 --> 00:01:31,796 Speaker 1: eighty two, they were both with other people and that's 18 00:01:31,796 --> 00:01:38,516 Speaker 1: where our conversation began. We were neighbors. We were neighbors British, 19 00:01:38,796 --> 00:01:42,756 Speaker 1: We're both British, were from the north of England. We 20 00:01:42,916 --> 00:01:48,916 Speaker 1: found ourselves in London living with other people, but neighbors. 21 00:01:49,516 --> 00:01:52,676 Speaker 1: You know, when you meet somebody and you recognize them. 22 00:01:53,716 --> 00:01:55,916 Speaker 1: I mean that might be wisdom in hindsight, but I 23 00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:59,196 Speaker 1: recognize Trudy as someone that I could spend the rest 24 00:01:59,196 --> 00:02:03,756 Speaker 1: of my life with better. I saw it clearly. I 25 00:02:03,876 --> 00:02:07,996 Speaker 1: just knew who she was instantly. Well, that must have 26 00:02:07,996 --> 00:02:10,676 Speaker 1: been cutter hard if you were neighbors. It was very 27 00:02:10,676 --> 00:02:13,436 Speaker 1: difficult at first because we were not supposed to be together, 28 00:02:13,516 --> 00:02:16,156 Speaker 1: so we fought that off for a couple of years. 29 00:02:17,316 --> 00:02:21,276 Speaker 1: That instinct en, did you too know right away or 30 00:02:23,556 --> 00:02:28,516 Speaker 1: it's like a recognition of somebody that you you feel 31 00:02:28,556 --> 00:02:31,196 Speaker 1: you know, we actually don't really know, but there's something 32 00:02:31,236 --> 00:02:35,396 Speaker 1: that is drawing you too closer to someone. And of 33 00:02:35,396 --> 00:02:38,916 Speaker 1: course it wasn't it. It was the least ideal situation 34 00:02:38,996 --> 00:02:42,956 Speaker 1: that you can imagine. Neither Sting nor truly were prepared 35 00:02:43,356 --> 00:02:46,556 Speaker 1: for the feelings. The situation would unleash that, and then 36 00:02:46,636 --> 00:02:49,276 Speaker 1: when it happens to you, it's like it's a It's 37 00:02:49,276 --> 00:02:52,076 Speaker 1: just like a storm coming at you, a tidal wave. 38 00:02:52,556 --> 00:02:55,396 Speaker 1: And when we began being a couple and moved in 39 00:02:55,436 --> 00:03:02,276 Speaker 1: with each other, you know, it was it was not 40 00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:05,996 Speaker 1: without its challenges, and the media interest was right, and 41 00:03:06,036 --> 00:03:09,996 Speaker 1: the media interest was how did you know trust each other? 42 00:03:10,036 --> 00:03:13,356 Speaker 1: How did that come about? I think there was there 43 00:03:13,436 --> 00:03:16,876 Speaker 1: was a chapter in our history when there was us 44 00:03:16,916 --> 00:03:20,076 Speaker 1: against the world. You know, we were in a foxhol 45 00:03:20,996 --> 00:03:24,036 Speaker 1: and you basically have to trust that person because you're 46 00:03:24,036 --> 00:03:28,356 Speaker 1: surrounded by danger. So I think that was very formative. 47 00:03:29,396 --> 00:03:32,396 Speaker 1: And I was a mess and she protected me. When 48 00:03:32,516 --> 00:03:35,436 Speaker 1: when I hear questions about you know, oh you madly 49 00:03:35,476 --> 00:03:37,476 Speaker 1: in love and passionate and all of that, all of 50 00:03:37,516 --> 00:03:41,116 Speaker 1: that is, yes, it's true. But I think that friendship too, 51 00:03:41,356 --> 00:03:45,636 Speaker 1: you know, needs to be part of a discussion about 52 00:03:45,636 --> 00:03:51,436 Speaker 1: the longevity of a marriage or a relationship. Otherwise, within 53 00:03:51,476 --> 00:03:55,916 Speaker 1: these circumstances that us coming together, we couldn't have lasted. 54 00:03:56,996 --> 00:03:59,196 Speaker 1: And you are brought up the thing about the passion. 55 00:03:59,196 --> 00:04:02,636 Speaker 1: Of course, all over every word we read about the 56 00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:05,796 Speaker 1: tantra sex, is that what it's called. We had a 57 00:04:05,876 --> 00:04:09,516 Speaker 1: viewed President Carter and his wife and I and they 58 00:04:09,556 --> 00:04:11,796 Speaker 1: talked about reading the Bible every night, and I said, 59 00:04:11,796 --> 00:04:14,516 Speaker 1: won't have you more interesting if Sting and Trudy Ray 60 00:04:14,916 --> 00:04:18,236 Speaker 1: read the Bible every night and President Carter his wife 61 00:04:18,236 --> 00:04:22,396 Speaker 1: and wild sex. That would make a better book. How 62 00:04:22,436 --> 00:04:26,596 Speaker 1: do you know they don't, Well, we don't have this 63 00:04:26,676 --> 00:04:32,916 Speaker 1: kind of sex all the time. I mean, we have 64 00:04:32,996 --> 00:04:39,596 Speaker 1: a pretty intense sexual charge between us still, But as 65 00:04:39,636 --> 00:04:43,916 Speaker 1: Trudy said, it's that's kind of ephemeral. What's important is 66 00:04:43,956 --> 00:04:47,196 Speaker 1: that I really like this woman and she really likes 67 00:04:47,236 --> 00:04:52,396 Speaker 1: me despite knowing me. And that's so important. I mean, 68 00:04:52,636 --> 00:04:57,396 Speaker 1: the sexual thinking cool off. It doesn't have to be 69 00:04:57,436 --> 00:05:03,276 Speaker 1: supercharged the whole time. But the affection for another person 70 00:05:03,476 --> 00:05:05,956 Speaker 1: when she walks into the room, she likes my room up, 71 00:05:06,676 --> 00:05:09,436 Speaker 1: And it's got nothing to do with sex. Actually, it's 72 00:05:09,436 --> 00:05:12,596 Speaker 1: all to do with liking the way that person presents 73 00:05:12,596 --> 00:05:15,956 Speaker 1: herself in the world, liking the decisions she makes, the 74 00:05:16,356 --> 00:05:21,156 Speaker 1: comments she makes, the observations she makes, and respecting them 75 00:05:21,316 --> 00:05:27,916 Speaker 1: and really enjoying her company. I enjoy her company. What 76 00:05:28,236 --> 00:05:30,436 Speaker 1: do we do like a good hotel room? Though? Right, 77 00:05:32,356 --> 00:05:34,756 Speaker 1: how don't you keep us sexy life going? With kids 78 00:05:34,756 --> 00:05:38,156 Speaker 1: in the house, I wouldn't be catching up with staying on, 79 00:05:38,396 --> 00:05:41,156 Speaker 1: you know, on various tours. This is a man who's 80 00:05:41,196 --> 00:05:43,716 Speaker 1: you know, I'm married to a gypsy who you know, 81 00:05:43,796 --> 00:05:51,076 Speaker 1: he's his life has been tenerant. I like that word. 82 00:05:52,356 --> 00:05:56,636 Speaker 1: Perpatetic tell us the basis of the tantra sex. I 83 00:05:56,716 --> 00:06:00,196 Speaker 1: think it's called tantric sex. Okay, we've we've studied yoga 84 00:06:00,236 --> 00:06:04,116 Speaker 1: for over thirty years now. Yoga comes from the same 85 00:06:04,476 --> 00:06:10,356 Speaker 1: route as the word yoga. And what yoga does yokes 86 00:06:10,396 --> 00:06:15,156 Speaker 1: your movement in the world with your consciousness of it. 87 00:06:15,836 --> 00:06:18,476 Speaker 1: So you can be sitting down and doing yoga, can 88 00:06:18,476 --> 00:06:21,196 Speaker 1: be standing up and doing yoga. You can eat and 89 00:06:21,276 --> 00:06:24,716 Speaker 1: do yoga. You're connecting it to something greater than yourself, 90 00:06:24,796 --> 00:06:29,356 Speaker 1: to a spiritual life. You can have sex and do yoga. 91 00:06:29,636 --> 00:06:33,116 Speaker 1: You know, sex is a sacred act. You can make children. 92 00:06:33,436 --> 00:06:36,476 Speaker 1: You know this, You make children that way. So it's 93 00:06:36,596 --> 00:06:39,476 Speaker 1: it's not just a stretch for me, because this is 94 00:06:39,716 --> 00:06:48,836 Speaker 1: a sacrament that we share too to celebrate existing, being alive, 95 00:06:48,916 --> 00:06:52,076 Speaker 1: being together. And it's got nothing to do with how 96 00:06:52,116 --> 00:06:55,356 Speaker 1: long you make love for it. That's that's just silly talk. 97 00:06:55,436 --> 00:06:58,956 Speaker 1: It's actually about being conscious about what you're doing. You know. 98 00:06:58,996 --> 00:07:01,356 Speaker 1: This is the tabloid version, is that we have sex 99 00:07:01,396 --> 00:07:03,916 Speaker 1: for you know, five or six hours. And what Sting 100 00:07:04,036 --> 00:07:08,196 Speaker 1: is saying is it's about really like being connected to 101 00:07:08,276 --> 00:07:12,596 Speaker 1: that person to take time, you know, and I don't 102 00:07:12,596 --> 00:07:15,876 Speaker 1: know what the time could be, but it's during that 103 00:07:15,916 --> 00:07:19,676 Speaker 1: time that you're together. It's you're together, very connected to 104 00:07:19,716 --> 00:07:22,876 Speaker 1: each other, you know, kissing for a long time, like 105 00:07:23,636 --> 00:07:27,996 Speaker 1: preparing a meal together, eating together. Just like that, you 106 00:07:28,116 --> 00:07:36,076 Speaker 1: feel that you're at one with that with with your love. Yeah, yeah, 107 00:07:36,116 --> 00:07:41,556 Speaker 1: I've never been. Yeah, occasionally, but that's a wonderful explanation 108 00:07:41,596 --> 00:07:45,156 Speaker 1: of it. Well, you know, I say to Staying, like, 109 00:07:45,916 --> 00:07:48,596 Speaker 1: I love you in the in between moments of life. 110 00:07:49,796 --> 00:07:55,796 Speaker 1: The other day, we've had some some sort of upsetting 111 00:07:55,836 --> 00:08:00,396 Speaker 1: news about a friend who's got a health crisis, and 112 00:08:01,676 --> 00:08:04,676 Speaker 1: and I could see how sad you looked, and we 113 00:08:04,756 --> 00:08:09,916 Speaker 1: were just right right here, and I took your face 114 00:08:09,996 --> 00:08:12,076 Speaker 1: in my hands and looked in your eyes and I 115 00:08:13,036 --> 00:08:15,956 Speaker 1: just held you, and I could see that you actually, 116 00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:23,876 Speaker 1: amidst the sadness that you felt, fear, and I acknowledge 117 00:08:23,956 --> 00:08:27,876 Speaker 1: that with you know that we've had so many years 118 00:08:27,916 --> 00:08:32,316 Speaker 1: together that are now behind us, and so we also 119 00:08:32,516 --> 00:08:36,116 Speaker 1: become aware when we get to the age that we 120 00:08:36,156 --> 00:08:39,276 Speaker 1: are that it is going to end. But for me, 121 00:08:39,956 --> 00:08:44,396 Speaker 1: in that moment, the in between moment of holding stings 122 00:08:44,556 --> 00:08:49,316 Speaker 1: face in my hands and looking in his eyes, it's like, please, 123 00:08:49,836 --> 00:08:54,116 Speaker 1: let us be well and have these moments forever kind 124 00:08:54,116 --> 00:09:03,756 Speaker 1: of about in a personal conflict. Certainly, you know this 125 00:09:03,996 --> 00:09:09,076 Speaker 1: is not a Disney movie. There's one of you power, 126 00:09:09,396 --> 00:09:13,196 Speaker 1: there's one of you shut up. We don't actually fight 127 00:09:13,316 --> 00:09:15,636 Speaker 1: very much. No. I tried fighting with thing because I 128 00:09:15,716 --> 00:09:19,076 Speaker 1: used to be a very volatile person and he's taught 129 00:09:19,076 --> 00:09:21,316 Speaker 1: me to be a less volatile person. And I'll tell 130 00:09:21,356 --> 00:09:25,556 Speaker 1: you why. Because he does not deal with people yelling 131 00:09:26,076 --> 00:09:28,916 Speaker 1: very well at him, and he has a very simple 132 00:09:29,076 --> 00:09:34,236 Speaker 1: way to it's probably in your psyche very complex. But 133 00:09:34,676 --> 00:09:39,356 Speaker 1: when I thirty something years ago, did my trudy yelling 134 00:09:39,676 --> 00:09:43,636 Speaker 1: at you for I don't know whatever was upsetting me. 135 00:09:44,396 --> 00:09:47,356 Speaker 1: You just the veil just comes down and you just 136 00:09:47,876 --> 00:09:52,236 Speaker 1: like look at me. And I remember I'd started to 137 00:09:52,316 --> 00:09:55,156 Speaker 1: yell and I'd said I can't, we can't, we can 138 00:09:55,236 --> 00:09:58,276 Speaker 1: never yell in front of our children. I really said, 139 00:09:58,316 --> 00:10:00,436 Speaker 1: out a rule. And he was not a yell or anyway. 140 00:10:00,436 --> 00:10:02,796 Speaker 1: So I said come outside. And we were living at 141 00:10:02,956 --> 00:10:06,796 Speaker 1: Lake House, and we went up to for a little 142 00:10:06,796 --> 00:10:09,596 Speaker 1: walk and I was like shouting and yelling and then 143 00:10:10,116 --> 00:10:12,356 Speaker 1: you climbed over a fence and there was a field 144 00:10:12,356 --> 00:10:14,876 Speaker 1: of sheeps there and I carried on with my leg 145 00:10:14,956 --> 00:10:17,916 Speaker 1: and you're this and you've absolutely always you bluddy this 146 00:10:18,076 --> 00:10:21,516 Speaker 1: and you and I looked around and these sheep were 147 00:10:21,516 --> 00:10:24,716 Speaker 1: all going and then I looked at your face and 148 00:10:24,756 --> 00:10:31,156 Speaker 1: you're going like So I was thinking, voice of my energy, 149 00:10:33,516 --> 00:10:46,156 Speaker 1: we'll have more. After a quick break, we're back to 150 00:10:46,276 --> 00:10:50,796 Speaker 1: our interview with Sting and Trudy Styler. When we left off, 151 00:10:50,876 --> 00:10:55,236 Speaker 1: they were recounting an argument they had. Trudy was shouting 152 00:10:55,316 --> 00:10:58,956 Speaker 1: in a field of sheep, while Sting calmly looked on 153 00:10:59,276 --> 00:11:02,436 Speaker 1: in silence. So I thought, I better, like switch out 154 00:11:02,516 --> 00:11:08,516 Speaker 1: my strategy of trying to resolve conflict. How can we 155 00:11:08,556 --> 00:11:14,396 Speaker 1: do this best? Accuse? Yeah, I mean when you get mad, 156 00:11:14,476 --> 00:11:16,676 Speaker 1: it's hard to say, okay, let's have a nice talk, 157 00:11:17,116 --> 00:11:19,036 Speaker 1: or I don't accuse you of anything, and you don't 158 00:11:19,036 --> 00:11:23,596 Speaker 1: accuse me of anything. I mean, my family were very voluted. 159 00:11:23,716 --> 00:11:27,276 Speaker 1: My parents were always fighting, So I never wanted that 160 00:11:27,316 --> 00:11:30,036 Speaker 1: in my life. That was just toxic for me. So 161 00:11:30,876 --> 00:11:35,436 Speaker 1: you were instructed to behave in an apode. Yeah. I 162 00:11:35,476 --> 00:11:38,196 Speaker 1: think I was educated by watching my parents, who were 163 00:11:38,276 --> 00:11:40,916 Speaker 1: very young. My mother was a teen much yeah, my 164 00:11:40,956 --> 00:11:45,596 Speaker 1: father was twenty or something. I saw how they reacted 165 00:11:45,636 --> 00:11:48,956 Speaker 1: with each other in front of us. And that's the 166 00:11:49,036 --> 00:11:52,196 Speaker 1: last thing I wanted, I think, And I don't lose 167 00:11:52,196 --> 00:11:58,356 Speaker 1: my temper now, actually don't. How about your parents, I 168 00:11:58,396 --> 00:12:01,196 Speaker 1: think my dad was just a very shut down person, 169 00:12:01,636 --> 00:12:08,956 Speaker 1: spoke monosyllabically, literally staying. When he met Harry would say, 170 00:12:08,876 --> 00:12:13,356 Speaker 1: you know, my father would go you're up. Then as 171 00:12:13,356 --> 00:12:17,716 Speaker 1: soon would say, yes, Harry, I'm up, and then someone 172 00:12:17,716 --> 00:12:21,356 Speaker 1: would leave the room and say you're off. Then yes, Harry, 173 00:12:21,476 --> 00:12:25,276 Speaker 1: we're off. Now. He had this thing about never speak 174 00:12:25,356 --> 00:12:27,516 Speaker 1: until you're spoken to, and that led for quite a 175 00:12:27,516 --> 00:12:29,956 Speaker 1: lonely life, and a very lonely life for my mom, 176 00:12:30,276 --> 00:12:33,716 Speaker 1: who was very vivacious and very outgoing and very kind 177 00:12:33,716 --> 00:12:40,796 Speaker 1: of like assertive, and I always felt that she envied 178 00:12:42,076 --> 00:12:47,516 Speaker 1: wives with more gregarious husbands. I noticed Sting touches you 179 00:12:47,556 --> 00:12:51,276 Speaker 1: a lot, as he might be he might be queuing 180 00:12:51,276 --> 00:12:58,836 Speaker 1: me to shut up. It's a sign of affection. I 181 00:12:58,916 --> 00:13:01,436 Speaker 1: think that, you know, when he touches me like that, 182 00:13:03,556 --> 00:13:08,036 Speaker 1: I consider that, you know, for somebody who's you know 183 00:13:08,236 --> 00:13:12,076 Speaker 1: in my sixth is that when my husband says I 184 00:13:12,116 --> 00:13:15,476 Speaker 1: look beautiful, and or he admires the dress I'm wearing, 185 00:13:15,836 --> 00:13:18,076 Speaker 1: I start to walk on air. Again like I did 186 00:13:18,116 --> 00:13:21,876 Speaker 1: when I was thirty. However, if I don't like what's wearing, 187 00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:25,916 Speaker 1: say it. I know so does my husband and say, look, 188 00:13:25,956 --> 00:13:28,036 Speaker 1: if you want to believe me when I don't like it, 189 00:13:28,156 --> 00:13:30,956 Speaker 1: then it's the same when I want to say I 190 00:13:30,996 --> 00:13:33,996 Speaker 1: like it, I'm telling the truth. So you make a choice. 191 00:13:34,436 --> 00:13:38,676 Speaker 1: We can trust that it still hurts your feeling. Sometimes 192 00:13:38,676 --> 00:13:40,676 Speaker 1: he tells me on the way down in the elevator, 193 00:13:40,676 --> 00:13:43,756 Speaker 1: I got, oh god, it's too late because I make 194 00:13:43,796 --> 00:13:45,836 Speaker 1: the stupid mistake of saying do you like this? And 195 00:13:45,956 --> 00:13:50,596 Speaker 1: he'll say, you have better things than that. Do you 196 00:13:50,716 --> 00:13:55,956 Speaker 1: feel that if you drift away from each other because 197 00:13:56,116 --> 00:13:59,436 Speaker 1: you've been traveling a lot, or you have your own 198 00:13:59,836 --> 00:14:02,276 Speaker 1: issues while you're making a movie and you're really busy 199 00:14:02,316 --> 00:14:05,036 Speaker 1: and you've got a thousand fires, just let out and 200 00:14:05,236 --> 00:14:10,956 Speaker 1: you as well. When that happens, how do you reset? 201 00:14:11,556 --> 00:14:13,596 Speaker 1: I think you have to raise a flag and say, look, 202 00:14:13,876 --> 00:14:17,556 Speaker 1: I'm feeling we need to sit just sit down and 203 00:14:17,676 --> 00:14:20,076 Speaker 1: not even talk to sit down because I lives are 204 00:14:20,076 --> 00:14:24,196 Speaker 1: so busy and I sometimes I don't like the cell phone. 205 00:14:24,836 --> 00:14:27,596 Speaker 1: She's on the cell phone work. I don't like it 206 00:14:27,636 --> 00:14:31,356 Speaker 1: to feel that's invasive. I mean I will make a 207 00:14:31,436 --> 00:14:34,676 Speaker 1: call on mine and then I'll turn it off. Yeah, 208 00:14:34,716 --> 00:14:37,796 Speaker 1: this is my habit. That's a problem for me because 209 00:14:38,476 --> 00:14:40,516 Speaker 1: when stings on the road, he makes the call to 210 00:14:40,596 --> 00:14:44,396 Speaker 1: me every day, and if I miss it and I 211 00:14:44,476 --> 00:14:47,436 Speaker 1: try to call him back, his phone is off. So 212 00:14:47,476 --> 00:14:49,956 Speaker 1: it's like I can speak to you on your terms, 213 00:14:49,956 --> 00:14:55,276 Speaker 1: but you can call me anytime you want. Actually, it's 214 00:14:55,316 --> 00:14:58,316 Speaker 1: that's not true. You're not easy to get either. The 215 00:14:58,356 --> 00:15:03,436 Speaker 1: big accommodation is absolutely no phones. When we eat, it's 216 00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:05,916 Speaker 1: a ritual, it's a ritual. And then when you sit 217 00:15:05,996 --> 00:15:11,796 Speaker 1: down that they're coming together over food and wine. It's 218 00:15:11,836 --> 00:15:15,236 Speaker 1: a sacrament. It's like we're all together now. But I 219 00:15:15,996 --> 00:15:20,196 Speaker 1: can see that My life as a producer involves this 220 00:15:20,316 --> 00:15:24,196 Speaker 1: constant communication and putting out fires of you know, all 221 00:15:24,276 --> 00:15:27,956 Speaker 1: the things that go wrong on sets with films and 222 00:15:28,116 --> 00:15:30,956 Speaker 1: television stuff, and it's it's it's it's a constant because 223 00:15:30,956 --> 00:15:33,756 Speaker 1: as a producer, you're like mom, It's like mom, something 224 00:15:33,796 --> 00:15:38,876 Speaker 1: else has gone wrong, and right, can you say what 225 00:15:38,956 --> 00:15:41,516 Speaker 1: you think is the strength of your marriage and what 226 00:15:41,756 --> 00:15:44,556 Speaker 1: is the weakness of your marriage that you have to 227 00:15:44,596 --> 00:15:47,796 Speaker 1: work on. I mean, it's not something that is just 228 00:15:47,876 --> 00:15:51,556 Speaker 1: kind of settled like a treaty, well, constantly negotiating and 229 00:15:51,636 --> 00:15:57,956 Speaker 1: constantly navigating each other. But a rock star to fall 230 00:15:57,996 --> 00:16:01,156 Speaker 1: in love with a rock star, big mistake is a 231 00:16:01,636 --> 00:16:04,676 Speaker 1: very dangerous thing to happen, isn't it. Where are you 232 00:16:04,796 --> 00:16:13,956 Speaker 1: going with this? I'm a romantic wie. It's a stereotype. Yeah, 233 00:16:14,276 --> 00:16:17,236 Speaker 1: it's only it's only partially true. How do you know though? 234 00:16:17,236 --> 00:16:20,276 Speaker 1: It's how do you know? You know? It used to 235 00:16:20,276 --> 00:16:26,036 Speaker 1: be really difficult with just feeling so jealous all the time. 236 00:16:26,276 --> 00:16:29,516 Speaker 1: That's right, Yeah, it was that, And I am a 237 00:16:29,636 --> 00:16:34,716 Speaker 1: very jealous person. So I've had to you're literally saying, so, yeah, 238 00:16:34,756 --> 00:16:37,436 Speaker 1: so I've had to sort of like look at what 239 00:16:37,996 --> 00:16:42,636 Speaker 1: where does my jealousy come from? And growing up, you know, 240 00:16:42,676 --> 00:16:47,636 Speaker 1: as one of three girls, being jealous about getting attention 241 00:16:48,356 --> 00:16:52,316 Speaker 1: was like something that we had in our household. Where 242 00:16:52,356 --> 00:16:56,876 Speaker 1: were you in the order? Middle? Yeah? Did you do 243 00:16:56,956 --> 00:16:59,516 Speaker 1: that with? So not to begin with, because I was 244 00:16:59,556 --> 00:17:04,276 Speaker 1: sort of like trying to, you know, really swallow my 245 00:17:04,436 --> 00:17:08,476 Speaker 1: pride about well I'm pretty too and I'm the girlfriend 246 00:17:08,556 --> 00:17:13,476 Speaker 1: now and to assert myself as getting through this sort 247 00:17:13,516 --> 00:17:16,876 Speaker 1: of like rage of young women saying to me like, 248 00:17:17,636 --> 00:17:22,596 Speaker 1: do you know how lucky you are, and I sort 249 00:17:22,596 --> 00:17:30,236 Speaker 1: of like he's a fucking lucky one, which I think 250 00:17:30,276 --> 00:17:35,196 Speaker 1: I did say a few times you must and now 251 00:17:36,276 --> 00:17:38,556 Speaker 1: you know, it's sort of like it goes away. It's 252 00:17:38,556 --> 00:17:41,676 Speaker 1: sort of like lessons. I felt that when I first 253 00:17:41,716 --> 00:17:44,676 Speaker 1: met Phil every woman in America wanted to be married 254 00:17:44,676 --> 00:17:46,916 Speaker 1: to him. In fact, when we got married, I got 255 00:17:46,996 --> 00:17:49,956 Speaker 1: letters saying how could you marry him? You know, a 256 00:17:50,036 --> 00:17:52,716 Speaker 1: woman wrote me and said, every morning at nine o'clock, 257 00:17:52,956 --> 00:17:55,356 Speaker 1: when my husband and children leave the house, I put 258 00:17:55,396 --> 00:17:58,156 Speaker 1: on my lipstick and turn on Phil show. I mean, 259 00:17:58,156 --> 00:18:02,516 Speaker 1: they actually had a fantasy about him. So it certainly 260 00:18:02,556 --> 00:18:04,956 Speaker 1: isn't the same as as with a rock star because 261 00:18:04,956 --> 00:18:08,076 Speaker 1: that's so sexual. And so I don't know. So did 262 00:18:08,076 --> 00:18:10,716 Speaker 1: you tell Stane, did you say, look, I'm having trouble 263 00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:14,476 Speaker 1: with this or don't. Well, he walks very fast, and 264 00:18:14,516 --> 00:18:20,196 Speaker 1: I used to like wear enormous high heels and Azadina 265 00:18:20,276 --> 00:18:23,556 Speaker 1: liar dresses and like be really kind of like dressed 266 00:18:23,596 --> 00:18:26,036 Speaker 1: to the nines when we were in public, and you know, 267 00:18:26,356 --> 00:18:29,356 Speaker 1: take a lot of effort to look so great and 268 00:18:31,516 --> 00:18:35,836 Speaker 1: sting to navigate hordes of people. He would be walking 269 00:18:35,876 --> 00:18:39,396 Speaker 1: like in front of me to get away from all 270 00:18:39,436 --> 00:18:42,956 Speaker 1: the crowds, thinking that I would be all right, and 271 00:18:43,036 --> 00:18:47,396 Speaker 1: I would sort of feel like, I look like six 272 00:18:47,436 --> 00:18:49,356 Speaker 1: inch heels, I can't keep up with you, And I 273 00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:52,436 Speaker 1: wouldn't keep up with you even if I was wearing sneakers, 274 00:18:52,476 --> 00:18:57,676 Speaker 1: because I saw that he was navigating that public persona 275 00:18:57,876 --> 00:19:02,036 Speaker 1: thing really bothered me. But then you know, we started 276 00:19:02,036 --> 00:19:05,876 Speaker 1: to We talked about, you know, jealousy issues and me 277 00:19:06,036 --> 00:19:09,716 Speaker 1: coming to terms with his public persona and his private 278 00:19:09,756 --> 00:19:13,036 Speaker 1: persona really nothing to do with each other. No, I've 279 00:19:13,036 --> 00:19:16,156 Speaker 1: been there too, Yeah, and I think it's jealousy is 280 00:19:16,956 --> 00:19:22,556 Speaker 1: in everybody's heart, everybody you get territorial. This is my guy, Yeah, 281 00:19:22,636 --> 00:19:25,476 Speaker 1: don't touch him. And I know the girls that I 282 00:19:25,556 --> 00:19:30,596 Speaker 1: know the women, I know all of the ones. As 283 00:19:30,596 --> 00:19:33,476 Speaker 1: soon as I come into a room, I go like 284 00:19:33,516 --> 00:19:35,916 Speaker 1: I have I can kind of pick him out. Oh yeah, 285 00:19:35,956 --> 00:19:40,796 Speaker 1: this one, I like that one. Be those I know 286 00:19:40,916 --> 00:19:45,116 Speaker 1: his taste in. Yeah, he's such a gentleman and very 287 00:19:45,676 --> 00:19:47,556 Speaker 1: enigmatic with the way that he does it. But of 288 00:19:47,596 --> 00:19:50,156 Speaker 1: course I know him so well. I know his body 289 00:19:50,236 --> 00:19:54,076 Speaker 1: language so well. I know every those eyes who have 290 00:19:54,156 --> 00:19:59,916 Speaker 1: they you know, they seemingly you know when I'm fancying 291 00:19:59,916 --> 00:20:03,596 Speaker 1: somebody on the on the cinema screen TV. I lean 292 00:20:03,716 --> 00:20:08,636 Speaker 1: over and I say, the third one on the right. Yeah. Well, 293 00:20:08,676 --> 00:20:10,796 Speaker 1: I love that you walk into a room and can 294 00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:14,836 Speaker 1: spot the ones. Yeah, that's so fascinating to me. Yeah yeah, 295 00:20:14,996 --> 00:20:18,156 Speaker 1: can you do that too? Yeah, he knows my taste 296 00:20:18,236 --> 00:20:21,716 Speaker 1: as well. Usually older men, I'm the youngest man. It's 297 00:20:21,716 --> 00:20:26,836 Speaker 1: true you lived together for how long before you ten years? 298 00:20:27,396 --> 00:20:30,756 Speaker 1: You lived together for ten years. We had three children 299 00:20:30,996 --> 00:20:33,756 Speaker 1: in the ten years that we lived together, So I 300 00:20:33,796 --> 00:20:38,996 Speaker 1: assume you you recommend that living together. Yeah, no, I 301 00:20:39,036 --> 00:20:43,916 Speaker 1: don't really. I think that I had no idea when 302 00:20:43,916 --> 00:20:46,236 Speaker 1: we got married. First of all, we got married because 303 00:20:46,236 --> 00:20:48,436 Speaker 1: our kids had started to be a bit bullied at 304 00:20:48,476 --> 00:20:52,516 Speaker 1: school because we moved from urban splendor London. You know, 305 00:20:52,596 --> 00:20:56,396 Speaker 1: everybody living together and not particularly being married, and that 306 00:20:56,476 --> 00:21:00,916 Speaker 1: was okay, But moving into the countryside in England is 307 00:21:00,956 --> 00:21:04,596 Speaker 1: a very different thing, and not being married and having 308 00:21:04,636 --> 00:21:07,436 Speaker 1: three kids going to school, it became an issue for 309 00:21:07,476 --> 00:21:10,996 Speaker 1: the kids. Why didn't you marry? I didn't re marry. 310 00:21:11,076 --> 00:21:13,876 Speaker 1: I think it was because I'm going so well for 311 00:21:14,236 --> 00:21:17,036 Speaker 1: I think that what I remember you saying is the 312 00:21:17,036 --> 00:21:21,396 Speaker 1: biggest failure that you ever felt, was that you failed 313 00:21:21,396 --> 00:21:25,676 Speaker 1: in a marriage, you failed your marriage, and that you 314 00:21:25,796 --> 00:21:31,596 Speaker 1: never wanted to fail again, and that I respected that. 315 00:21:31,996 --> 00:21:33,836 Speaker 1: So I think I was okay with it for a 316 00:21:33,836 --> 00:21:37,276 Speaker 1: few years. And then one of the kids came back 317 00:21:37,316 --> 00:21:40,076 Speaker 1: from school and said, somebody said I'm a bastard. Is 318 00:21:40,076 --> 00:21:48,836 Speaker 1: it true? I said, no, that's your dad. When you 319 00:21:48,956 --> 00:21:52,636 Speaker 1: got married, after living together and had these babies and all, 320 00:21:53,316 --> 00:21:56,396 Speaker 1: once you got married, did that change anything? Didn't make 321 00:21:56,436 --> 00:21:59,596 Speaker 1: it different now that you had signed this covenant. It 322 00:21:59,676 --> 00:22:06,316 Speaker 1: actually people gave truly much more respect and deference than 323 00:22:06,436 --> 00:22:09,596 Speaker 1: they did before. And then we were both I was 324 00:22:09,636 --> 00:22:12,956 Speaker 1: proud to say, this is my wife. Yeah. I remember 325 00:22:12,996 --> 00:22:17,876 Speaker 1: the first invitation that came to us after we were married. 326 00:22:18,356 --> 00:22:20,796 Speaker 1: It had always been even in the ten years that 327 00:22:20,836 --> 00:22:25,396 Speaker 1: we were together, these you know things that you're invited 328 00:22:25,436 --> 00:22:34,756 Speaker 1: to Sting and guest. It would really smash my feelings, 329 00:22:34,916 --> 00:22:40,956 Speaker 1: you know, and I would often decline or have somebody 330 00:22:40,996 --> 00:22:44,316 Speaker 1: call and say that Sting and Trudy would be delighted 331 00:22:44,356 --> 00:22:47,796 Speaker 1: to accept and whatever. But when I remember the first 332 00:22:47,796 --> 00:22:52,996 Speaker 1: invitation that came mister and missus Sumner, and I was like, oh, 333 00:22:53,036 --> 00:22:54,676 Speaker 1: and then you know, I didn't have to try so 334 00:22:54,796 --> 00:22:58,196 Speaker 1: bloody hard after that. So, what do you think makes 335 00:22:58,356 --> 00:23:05,996 Speaker 1: a marriage last? Luck? I don't discount that word that 336 00:23:06,076 --> 00:23:08,756 Speaker 1: it's when you say luck, you mean it's it's a 337 00:23:08,796 --> 00:23:12,836 Speaker 1: four thing. Yeah, but I think that we when we 338 00:23:12,916 --> 00:23:16,196 Speaker 1: look at someone's chemistry with each other and there's an 339 00:23:16,236 --> 00:23:20,836 Speaker 1: instant like I know I like you. In our case, 340 00:23:20,996 --> 00:23:23,996 Speaker 1: we laughed at the same things, and we noticed that 341 00:23:24,036 --> 00:23:28,276 Speaker 1: we laughed at the same things. We were similar ages, 342 00:23:28,436 --> 00:23:34,276 Speaker 1: we're from similar backgrounds, our terms of reference, nostalgias are 343 00:23:34,316 --> 00:23:37,956 Speaker 1: the same. You know, our brand of humor is the same. 344 00:23:38,036 --> 00:23:43,116 Speaker 1: And I remember there was a there's a wonderful quote 345 00:23:43,156 --> 00:23:48,476 Speaker 1: from Jean Paul Sartre's wife. She said, why share a 346 00:23:48,556 --> 00:23:50,516 Speaker 1: room when you can share the world? And we do 347 00:23:50,636 --> 00:23:54,036 Speaker 1: share the world, and she was right. It's like I 348 00:23:54,076 --> 00:23:58,476 Speaker 1: feel him almost, you know, in his absences where he is, 349 00:23:58,516 --> 00:24:01,956 Speaker 1: and I sometimes my intuition tells me I don't think 350 00:24:02,076 --> 00:24:04,836 Speaker 1: things very well today, and I'll call and you know, 351 00:24:04,876 --> 00:24:07,716 Speaker 1: I can feel that. You know you're in my orbit. 352 00:24:07,756 --> 00:24:10,636 Speaker 1: Do you feel that? Yeah, you just sort of psychically 353 00:24:10,716 --> 00:24:14,876 Speaker 1: get connected up, especially when we're traveling. Yeah, exactly. And 354 00:24:14,956 --> 00:24:18,036 Speaker 1: I get great excitement when Sting's been away. You know, 355 00:24:18,156 --> 00:24:21,316 Speaker 1: I'll pretty myself up for his return, and my heart 356 00:24:21,316 --> 00:24:24,396 Speaker 1: will beat faster. I know he's coming home. He's coming 357 00:24:24,436 --> 00:24:28,076 Speaker 1: home today, and I'll be as giddy as the young girl. 358 00:24:28,676 --> 00:24:33,116 Speaker 1: You know that's great. So there you have it, the 359 00:24:33,236 --> 00:24:38,236 Speaker 1: unbreakable bond between Sting and Trudy Styler. Until next time. 360 00:24:38,836 --> 00:24:41,876 Speaker 1: I'm Phil down A Hue and I'm Marlowe Thomas. I 361 00:24:41,916 --> 00:24:46,396 Speaker 1: think we've tortured. It's just the most wonderful thing to 362 00:24:46,396 --> 00:24:50,396 Speaker 1: talk to such an inspiring couple as you so much. 363 00:24:50,916 --> 00:24:52,796 Speaker 1: I don't blame you for marrying each other. I would 364 00:24:52,796 --> 00:24:55,516 Speaker 1: have married either one of you any time. You're adorable, 365 00:24:56,116 --> 00:25:00,236 Speaker 1: both of you. Double Data is a production of Pushkin Industries. 366 00:25:00,476 --> 00:25:03,836 Speaker 1: The show was created by US and produced by Sarah Lily. 367 00:25:04,476 --> 00:25:08,996 Speaker 1: Michael Bahari is associate producer. Musical adaptations of It Had 368 00:25:09,116 --> 00:25:13,356 Speaker 1: to Be You by Sellwagon, Sympinette Marlo and I are 369 00:25:13,436 --> 00:25:19,356 Speaker 1: executive producers, along with Mia Lobel and Letal Molad from Pushkin. 370 00:25:20,236 --> 00:25:26,276 Speaker 1: Special thanks to Jacob Wiseburg, Malcolm Gladwell, Heather Faine, John Snars, 371 00:25:26,716 --> 00:25:33,316 Speaker 1: Carly Migliori, Eric Sandler, Emily Rostak, Jason Gambrel, Paul Williams, 372 00:25:33,556 --> 00:25:38,236 Speaker 1: and Bruce Kluger. If you like our show, please remember 373 00:25:38,276 --> 00:25:42,236 Speaker 1: to share, rate, and review. Thanks for listening.