00:00:08 Speaker 1: Well, I invited you here, thought I made myself perfectly clear, but you're a guess to my home. You gotta come to be empty, And I said, no, guest, your presences presents and. 00:00:31 Speaker 2: I already had too much stuff. So how did you dare. 00:00:36 Speaker 1: To surbey me? 00:00:48 Speaker 3: Oh, welcome to? I said, no gifts. I'm Brigard Wineker, and I hope you're doing well. I uh, you know, do yourself a favorite some I've been thinking about maybe change the filter on your water pitcher today. I you know it's time. I know you need to do it. You know you need to do it. It's probably been for or five months since the little red light came on. Give yourself that little treat of switching out the filter. I don't know if it's going to make any difference, but it'll feel like you accomplished something today. And then keep listening to this podcast, because right now I'm so thrilled, just excited, and my heart is pounding because we've got a terrific guest, none other than Chris Fairbanks. Chris, welcome to. 00:01:40 Speaker 4: I said, no gifts, Hello, Bridge, thank you for having me. Can you hear me? Okay? 00:01:45 Speaker 3: I can hear you perfectly. We're living in a technological period that is absolutely insane, and you had a little technological bump getting into the podcast. 00:01:59 Speaker 4: Let's be yes, it is a personal issue with me. I am now involving all three of my devices because when when left to my devices, I will use them. 00:02:11 Speaker 3: You essentially have a like a three camera set up here to be on zoom. 00:02:16 Speaker 4: Yes, yes, I have the I am looking at my phone, but I am recording to my left recording on the on the computer, but I'm using the actual recording as the device in front of me. 00:02:27 Speaker 3: I perfect setup. Yes, yes, it's really actually a late night talk show at this point. But you also, I have to say, the last time I saw you, your hair was significantly shorter. Your hair looks incredible. It's this is obviously an effect of quarantine and you know, not being able to go to the barber or whatever. But is this the first time your hair has been this length? 00:02:50 Speaker 4: I walked by my barber the other day and he almost insisted I come in immediately there down at the bottom of the street, but I said, no, I'm going to see how this affects my life. To look like a roaming, traveling murderer. But some people like the hair. They're like, oh, you're curls. Other people do a double take and I look like someone scary to them. So it's been a fun experiment. 00:03:19 Speaker 3: I think it's a really truly. This isn't just saying it just because everyone says your hair looks good when it changes. No, I think that this is a good look for you. I think thank you. Long term, this quarantine is going to have enough. I think this may be the return of a lot of male ponytails. I think a year from now of the male population is going to have a glimmering ponytail. 00:03:42 Speaker 4: Oh thank god, they have been missed. The favorite part of a ponytail is a man's neck hair. When they don't, there's the shorter hairs that didn't quite make the cut when it came to ponytail service, so they'll just have these kind of little curly baby hair on their neck. Oh, I always want to shave you know what I mean. 00:04:04 Speaker 3: It looks I've never noticed this, but it's a kind of like a disgusting, downy baby hair. 00:04:09 Speaker 4: Yeah, you're in a weird position because if you shave them, that's a level of grooming that everyone's gonna notice and look weird. But if you don't shave them, it looks like someone emptied a vacuum on your neck. So just a bunch of garbage. I've always been self conscious about neck hair. 00:04:26 Speaker 3: Oh, of course, of course. I mean, I guess the hope there is that your ponytail is just so gorgeous that nobody notices what's going on beneath it. 00:04:34 Speaker 2: Yeah. 00:04:34 Speaker 4: Yeah, you hope for that. And then you also hope that if you see this neck hair that it stops at the back, which I've always been lucky there, just between you and me, I have no back hair. 00:04:44 Speaker 3: Now with the back see neck hair for me? Who are you able to shave it yourself? I am? 00:04:52 Speaker 4: I am. I'm pretty good at I've given myself haircuts. It's hard when you involve a mirror because then you're the opposite. You try to do the right and you go you end up cutting off your ear instead. 00:05:04 Speaker 3: But so how are you doing it? 00:05:06 Speaker 4: I just on blind faith and the and the ability to know my surroundings. I close my eyes, I put on a clipper attachment. That part's very important. Oh, when I just kind of feel it out, you know, like I imagine Ray Charles to play piano. 00:05:26 Speaker 3: That's a high risk activity. I've attempted it before that I just immediately give up, give up. I don't have the coordination. I don't trust either of my hands or my brain to be working behind the scenes. 00:05:40 Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah, and then when you're done, you really don't know how it looks. One time I cut my hair or just cleaned it up like with with clippers. 00:05:49 Speaker 2: You know. 00:05:49 Speaker 4: I went attachment one through attachment four and use the two in between. But I at one point the attachment fell off when I was blindly doing my neck line, if you will, and there was a lawnmower just swipe in the back of my head that I didn't know existed. And then I went to a show downtown and someone took a picture of the back of my head and it was hilarious. I will send that to you if I. 00:06:18 Speaker 3: Would love to see this. Yes, it is a real move. Now with your current hair, like, truly, what length does it need to get to before you feel like this is enough? I feel like you could get to a length that is almost Sigourney like Sigourney Weaver level. 00:06:35 Speaker 4: Yeah, just where it's yeah, where I'm just running on a on a gridiron spaceship wearing some tidy whities holding a machine gun. 00:06:44 Speaker 3: That would be a great look for you. 00:06:45 Speaker 4: That's what I'll let. That's when I'll finally cut my hair, when I'm Sigourney on a ship. You know, I'm waiting for gravity to take over because I've always had like, look at it just goes up. 00:06:58 Speaker 3: It's amazing to me. 00:06:59 Speaker 4: And I've never had it lay down. I've never grown it to wear. Sure, wet, it'll lay down, but when it dries, I just want to grow it till gravity takes hold. 00:07:09 Speaker 3: Right with the weight, it can no longer be supported by the hair, and it's just kind of flowing down the sides of your head. Yeah, that will require because right now it's long and it's still going for it. 00:07:22 Speaker 4: I've thought about it, and there's been a lot of requests online. You can really it's a it really splits the room, kind of like politics. A lot of people want me to straighten it straight. 00:07:32 Speaker 3: Oh good grief. That would be kind of like a two thousand and nine emo band look. I think, yeah, crimper. 00:07:39 Speaker 4: Whenever my sister would crimp her hair and it had those triangular waves, I was like, oh, man, I wish I had straight hair, or whenever i'd see that Nelson after the rain video. You know, there's so many things that have made me want to have straight hair. 00:07:56 Speaker 3: I assume when it's wet, you get an idea of what it would look like straight, right. 00:08:01 Speaker 4: If I if I've put in conditioner and I've left it in and I comb my hair without drying it, it kind of then I have bangs, if you know what I mean, Like if. 00:08:12 Speaker 3: You're like emerging from a waterfall, or. 00:08:15 Speaker 4: Yes, if we capture that moment during a waterfall shoot, which I haven't done since my last fireman calendar. I was just a guest. I'm not a fireman, but they my brother in law did he's in one of those firemen calendar kidding by the way, Yeah, what it's really funny because him and his friends were funny about it. 00:08:33 Speaker 3: What but he is a fireman? 00:08:35 Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, yeah, Oh my god. 00:08:37 Speaker 3: And was it like a charity calendar or what's the deal there? 00:08:41 Speaker 4: Yeah, it's just they just without hurting anyone's feelings, I hope, picked all the handsome firemen and it was like a Spokane, Washington fireman calendar. Wow. 00:08:52 Speaker 3: Yeah, you never think about because there certainly are the firemen at the station that don't make the cut for these calendars. It's got to be heartbreaking. Are there tryouts or how is that even decided? They? 00:09:04 Speaker 4: Yeah, I know, they just reinforce the fact that they're hard workers and they're good firemen, but they're agoes. So step aside the camera's coming out, climb up that pole to where the attractive firemen are going to wait till the shoot's over. I feel really bad for them now. 00:09:26 Speaker 3: I mean, I will say, as far as emergency services go, firemen have a pretty good hit rate for being good looking. I feel like, I don't I don't know if it's these calendars that are the recruiting tool for good looking men who also want to and women who want to get into the saving people's lives business, or if it's just a natural thing. You're good looking and you're you like to climb ladders, so you're naturally fit and right. 00:09:55 Speaker 4: And I think, to me, the first responder thing, they are first on the scene, and you know who shows up early to things, it's handsome people. 00:10:04 Speaker 3: Handsome people are always the first people there. 00:10:06 Speaker 4: I think that they go they yeah, yeah, they just don't sleep in there, Tony on the spot. 00:10:13 Speaker 3: I feel like at a party, you know, the good looking looking people are always about two hours late. 00:10:19 Speaker 4: Right, what's Yeah, leisure's different. Leisure is a little different, a little little switch through when it comes to leisure. But the work ethic of these good looking people, it's just it's early all the time. 00:10:34 Speaker 3: No is there? Has there ever been like an EMT calendar? Right? 00:10:38 Speaker 4: Yeah, that's a good question, like. 00:10:41 Speaker 3: That, there's a market there that we could exploit. I'm willing to get a camera and uh, you know, be behind the ambulance, ready to ask people to take their shirt off. 00:10:52 Speaker 4: Yeah. Where is the mistique in general, the hero thing that we apply to firement? Why isn't it tea guys? Why don't little kids grow up saying I want to be an EMT when I grow up to be in a shiny, shiny ambulance? 00:11:06 Speaker 3: Right? You know I wonder is that there's uh sitting in the back of an ambulance is just a little too dark. There's a Yeah, there's a you know, you're driving around to night and if you're end up behind an ambulance and it's brightly lit it up inside, that's not a that's never a happy thing to look into, right sex there. 00:11:25 Speaker 4: Yeah, the little kids don't think that's too sexy. But maybe they should have painted them red. These ambulances and then you know, a dress. I don't know how we address the fact there's bodies in the back that kids don't like that. Kids hate dead or sick people. 00:11:43 Speaker 3: We've got to turn the children's opinion around about looking at sick people total people, who are you know, actively bleeding? That could be fun, that could be exciting. 00:11:52 Speaker 4: You know. I think these new kids they what they with what they see online. They're getting used to sickness and death right, so. 00:11:59 Speaker 3: Why can't are going to want to be empts? You never know, You truly never know. Now, what are you doing with your time, Chris? What's going on? 00:12:10 Speaker 4: I I mean, other than the last twenty four hours desperately searching for the right gift for you, I've been I've been watching, honestly, the last couple of day weeks, I've been just watching a lot of television. 00:12:29 Speaker 2: I was. 00:12:30 Speaker 4: I was really good at first with like just listening to music and drawing and painting, and then I got into miniature like dollhouse building, Oh beautiful and I wanted to learn to animate, so that's part of it. I want to put a little clay guy in my bookstore and stop motion animate like. 00:12:51 Speaker 3: And then two are kind of like a Wallas and gramut Stone exactly what is it called stop motion? 00:12:56 Speaker 4: Yeah, And I've been everyone's like when you say you're into dollhouse is, people immediately think I'm into dolls. And I was always I mean, I'm not opposed to dolls or doll play, but I've always been interested since as a kid in miniature worlds. And I think it does go to Wallace and Grammat because when you would see the way they shot that, and then and then like Paranormal Norman is like the newest is that what it's. 00:13:24 Speaker 3: Called where you can I think it's called ParaNorman ParaNorman not paranormal paranormal Norman, the paranormal man. 00:13:32 Speaker 4: Yeah, that's a guy getting kicked out of a pitch meeting there. Yeah, you can see thumb prints, you know. Oh, I love it like you used to see on on Gumby, Like you can see where a physical human has been has been manipulating for each shot, and and ParaNorman had that. 00:13:52 Speaker 3: Right, Walls and Grammat Curse of the were Rabbit, which I'm you know, streaming services, I'm reaching out to you put that on your thing. I want to watch it. I want to watch that Halloween one. 00:14:02 Speaker 4: Yeah, that one about the trousers. 00:14:04 Speaker 3: Right, I love the trousers. And there's the cheese. They go to the moon that's made of cheese and. 00:14:09 Speaker 4: Crackers, pessed with cheese. They are obsessed with cheese. 00:14:13 Speaker 3: Relatable, it's extremely we all enjoy a little cheese on a cracker. And then there's the penguin with the gun. I mean, I could go on and on about there's Now maybe I'm just making this up, but I'm pretty sure there's a Wallas and Gramat where a penguin wields an actual pistol. 00:14:35 Speaker 4: Are you thinking of Danny DeVito in the Batman movie? 00:14:42 Speaker 3: That's very true. I also remember this penguin biting Wallace's nose and it immediately just gushing bloods. 00:14:49 Speaker 4: Okay, we're definitely talking about de Vito here. You gotta wires crossed. 00:14:56 Speaker 3: God bless that role. That movie deserve to spin off. We need a full Danny in the penguin costume, just you know, going through the sewers and doing what he was doing. That's what I want to watch. 00:15:07 Speaker 4: It's worth a revisit just to see Divito's where because the penguin, he's horrifying. There is like so scarrish slime constantly coming out of his mouth. It's horrifying. 00:15:20 Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel like they may have gone one step too far with how disgusting that creature. 00:15:25 Speaker 4: Really like it was the gold I actually frightened children. Yeah, I mean, the only thing scarier than the penguin is a dead body in the back of an ambulance. I'm a big on callback. 00:15:40 Speaker 3: Sorry to look into the back of an ambulance and see Danny DeVito is the penguin kind of doing CPR. That would be the situation. 00:15:52 Speaker 4: And I have been dreaming lately. I'll add that to the list. I think because I'm not going out and I'm not drinking like I would I have. I get nervous before stand up, and I'm not blaming it on that or my family history, but I do drink before I do stand up, right. It's either that or take pills or something. I don't know. So I haven't been performing, So I'm drinking last and I'm not going out, and I dream every night. I've told people since my mid twenties that I don't dream. It turns out I was just an alcoholic and so now I'm just going to think about Danny DeVito in an ambulance. 00:16:31 Speaker 2: Yeah. 00:16:32 Speaker 3: I mean I read an article that people are dreaming a lot more and their dreams are becoming more surreal because they're not forming new as many new memories right now, And so you're really I think our brains are just like going through the files, like, oh, we can think about this thing now, and we can combine it with this thing, and wow, my dreams have been absolutely insane. Last night too, my boyfriend woke me up sleep talking and said to me, I can't get us into the car in this video game we're playing online. And I was like, what are you talking about? 00:17:05 Speaker 4: Has he done he was talking or you were talking? 00:17:08 Speaker 3: He was talking? And it was absolute nonsense. He does talk in a sleep occasionally, sure, Sure, the things he's saying are now just bananas. 00:17:18 Speaker 4: Wow. So I guess I had a girlfriend that used to wake up in the middle of the night and be like, we don't have enough light in here. We have to set up a tripod. Where's my grips? Like she would wake up winking we were shooting something, and it happened over and over. 00:17:35 Speaker 3: She produced four films in her sleep. 00:17:38 Speaker 4: Oh yeah, she's very successful producer director. Now, so follow your dreams, it's what I'm saying. Yeah, but I really don't dream. And I thought there is something wrong with me. But I'll go ahead and admit that I have been also drinking. So I guess it is this memory thing that you mentioned. 00:17:59 Speaker 3: Yeah, the memory. So I got the truth out of you, and now I brought science into the picture, and immediately you fell apart. 00:18:06 Speaker 4: Well, when I started this point, when I started it, it was me, you guys. When this started, I was I was working out, I got these resistant bands. I was started running, even though it's not good for my artificial hip, and I was like getting in good shape. I started cooking healthy. Lately I've been Oh, in the beginning, I was, I was doing a really good job, and now I am. I have resorted to watching like old I'm watching Double Jeopardy right now. It's the middle of the day and I've already had a white claws, so I've kind. 00:18:46 Speaker 3: Of that's great. Yeah, that's you know, you need to take these little breaks and just enjoy yourself. Why not? Yeah, you have endless time. So what are you gonna do? Are you gonna always be right on top of everything? I don't think so, right. 00:19:01 Speaker 4: I'm just going through a phase right now where I'm an irresponsible teenager. But I'll get back to my dollhouse is another grown up stuff. 00:19:10 Speaker 3: The only thing that really changes in my days is how long it takes me to get ready in the morning. It's just otherwise, they're all exactly the same. One day, I might take a shower at nine am, one day at maybe one pm. But you know, that's the variety, is the spice of life, and that's the only variety I can get right now. So but all that aside. Chris, you know you came on this podcast. I said no gifts, and you know you and I have known each other for a little while now, and we've been communicating about this podcast over the last week or so. The podcast has a very clear directive right there in the title. I said no gifts. And so earlier today I get a text from you. You say I'm outside, Like, okay, I Chris, outside my apartment. I threw on some shoes, ran down. You're standing there. You're holding a a wrapped object, which I assume is a gift, and you drove all the way over to my apartment, so I have to assume is this Did you bring this gift for me? 00:20:19 Speaker 4: I know you look disappointed when I arrived, and I knew that you said no gifts, but I can't help myself. 00:20:27 Speaker 3: Okay, it's a control issue. 00:20:29 Speaker 4: Yeah, it is about me. I was always domineering during Christmas. I take over at all birthday parties. I even blow out other people's candles. I have a problem. 00:20:42 Speaker 3: Have you ever blown out someone's candles? 00:20:44 Speaker 4: I think as a kid, you know that I had some friends with weak lungs, and no one has the patience for that shit. We all want to slice come on bird lungs and then I'll blow I'll call them bird lungs and this is like eight or nine years old, and then I blow out there their candles. 00:21:00 Speaker 3: For them to do that as an adult would be a real move. It's now a goal of mine. 00:21:09 Speaker 5: Got kill a party immediately and then leave, just a quick blow them out and then just an exit immediately. 00:21:21 Speaker 3: Never speak to anyone there again. They all have to sit in silence or eating their cake. This is I love it. 00:21:29 Speaker 4: That's actually I would love to see that in a movie even you. 00:21:32 Speaker 3: Know, that's a great idea. You're okay. So we did talk a little bit. I mean, I think you've got a decent amount of things floating around in the realm of gift giving and gift receiving. Is that correct? 00:21:46 Speaker 4: Like yeah, like throwing out like hang ups and emotions and things like that. 00:21:52 Speaker 3: And yeah, where's all this coming from. Tell me about getting a gift as a kid. What was that situation, right? 00:21:57 Speaker 4: I mainly Christmas? H Uh. It was a stressful time. We would go to my mom's parents, my grandparents, and and they were didn't have a lot of money. Uh, so they would buy the Let's be honest, I regifted you something and and to me, that's normal. I there were years where I would open a gift at my grandparents' house. 00:22:23 Speaker 2: Uh. 00:22:24 Speaker 4: It would be some flashlight that you could bend for for working on, uh, for automotive purposes, And there were already batteries in it and it was dead and it was dead and yeah, it was already used. And I would leave it there accidentally. Uh, and then the next year they would they would give it to me again. I we saw gifts that were given, like my uncle would receive a flannel shirt and then the next year I got that shirt, like and and they wouldn't spend a lot of money. But we had this uncle, my Grandpa's brother, who lived in Seattle, And it wasn't until recently we because we would open a gift from him and he'd say, what I get you? And we'd all laugh. Every Christmas we still say what I get you? But we realized he was giving them all the money. He was secretly saving all his money. He was he lived alone his whole life, He saved all his money, and he would he would pay for Christmas. 00:23:29 Speaker 3: Oh my god. 00:23:30 Speaker 4: So we've he passed away a long time ago, but my sister and I really love him now because what a sweetheart. 00:23:36 Speaker 3: I know. 00:23:37 Speaker 4: That is he was spending money ahead of time, just buy all the gifts with this And then when we'd open gifts from everyone, including him, he'd be like, what is it? But he wow paid for it. 00:23:48 Speaker 3: He was I mean essentially a true Santa Claus. 00:23:52 Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, that's great. 00:23:54 Speaker 2: Yeah. 00:23:54 Speaker 4: And when he passed away, he had saved close to a million dollars. What Yeah, And he lived alone in this apartment. I went there when I was a kid. He had all his old TVs stacked. He had the newest TV on top and then the TV from twenty years before. He kept everything. It wasn't a hoarding situation. He was always well dressed, but in suits that he had gotten from the fifties that he just took care of. 00:24:23 Speaker 3: Oh, this is incredible. 00:24:24 Speaker 4: He's such a classic guy. He but he left this money to my grandparents, and when they passed away. Not to get serious, but my mom was in need of Alzheimer's care and all of a sudden, this money came out of nowhere. We were able to put her into a facility. And then when my mom passed, we that money was split among us, and that's how I paid for my comedy special. So in the end, who I'm realizing that's kind of now is my grandpa's brother who was adopted. They weren't even he's not even a blood. 00:25:00 Speaker 3: So he really didn't have to do this. 00:25:02 Speaker 4: No, he paid for my comedy special. 00:25:04 Speaker 3: That's amazing. 00:25:05 Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm sorry I've been talking so long, but I was kind of figuring it out out well. 00:25:11 Speaker 3: But this is an angel person. I mean, yeah, he would give him the sweetest three minutes on a podcast. I think is the least we can do. 00:25:18 Speaker 4: Yeah, I think it is too. I he what a kind sweet man, and uh yeah, but. 00:25:26 Speaker 3: Then the best but any of this right him? Because you told me you're a terrible gift giver. 00:25:32 Speaker 4: I my, it's just there's so many I feel like I'm a failure every time I give a gift. It feels good to nail it, but I anguish over giving the right thing. And if I can't think of the right gift, there are times where I just don't give anything because I'm not given a gift. Gift. Wow, that's an insult. And last night, last minute searching for you, I was like, I'll just on Amazon all and I almost I was thinking about getting a star in your name or some acreage of wilderness. And Karen, that's the gift you sent me to listen, that's what she had gotten. 00:26:09 Speaker 3: Right, Yeah, she gave me a there's now a star, which is mine. Everyone leave it alone. 00:26:14 Speaker 4: It's so And I don't talk about giving people stars, but I almost that's Christy crossed my mind. Yeah, we spend a lot of time together anyway, Well. 00:26:24 Speaker 3: Listen, everyone can use two stars. If you had given me another, there's a maybe I just monopolize space. 00:26:31 Speaker 4: Have you opened the gift I've given you? 00:26:34 Speaker 3: Of course not. I'm about to do it. Should I open it now? Yeah? 00:26:38 Speaker 4: If we've covered I do have. The point is I have anxiety over gift giving. I'm getting a little amount of breath right now. My back is sweating. I don't know if you'll like it. 00:26:52 Speaker 3: I mean, I think there's a lot of I mean, if you don't have anxiety about giving a gift, I think it means you don't care. 00:26:58 Speaker 4: I do care, and I care so much that if I can't think of a good gift, you get nothing. And when you get nothing from me, it's because I cared too much, or you despise the person. Yeah, I hope my nieces and nephew are listening. When I hate all of you anything, your uncle loves you. But I just couldn't think of the perfect thing. And if it ain't perfect, sure, there's nothing. You get nothing. 00:27:26 Speaker 3: Okay, I'm going to open this. It's wrapped up in the cover of a Time magazine, a Time magazine cover which has I noticed a Montana mailing address on it. Yes, yes, that is your magazine? Or is this from a relative? 00:27:46 Speaker 4: Or I think that I was visiting my father and I took that with me first, some airplane reading two years ago. I've been sitting on that magazine, waiting to use the cover for the right gift as wrapping paper. And here we are. We find ourselves looking at a hopeful version of Bernie from two years ago. 00:28:08 Speaker 3: Yeah, Bernie Sanders on the cover two years ago, and here we are in a whole new world. Who knows what's happening. But also, I have your father's home address, so if I ever need to visit es or. 00:28:21 Speaker 4: Do whatever I need to, gladly accept you. I just give you to Tig has stayed there. My buddy David Huntsberger has stayed there. My dad loves comedy and probably knows who you are. That's great, he knows what he knows. 00:28:35 Speaker 3: What's up, mister Fairbanks, I'm coming for you, so just you know, start preparing because he will want to say that as a threat. Okay, I'm opening it up. Let's unwrap this and react. 00:28:55 Speaker 4: How you want. Don't pretend, don't sugarcoat it. 00:28:58 Speaker 3: Okay, Okay, I can't have an actual reaction yet, because I'm determining what this is. So it's like a there's like a clear little bagh. It's like a very thick plastic that says the Unfinished Arts. Everyone wears a mask, and now within it there's like a pink little bag wrapped in tissue. Yeah, so I still don't it's a It's a mask of some kind. Is that right? 00:29:23 Speaker 4: One would think? And one was, by the way, Uh, that's what's manufactured a couple of years ago. It's why I picked it. Why does it say everyone wears a mask? It is foreshadowing the future, and I will spoil it a little bit. It is not a mask, and I do show going, yes, keep going, Okay, it's not just tissue paper. 00:29:46 Speaker 3: Chris has given me fifteen pounds of pink tissue paper. No, there's there's a rubber band around it. So I've got to open this up. There's still no telling what's in here. 00:29:56 Speaker 4: And I joke with him earlier, like what if in there was just the cut up pages of the magazine with Bernie Sanders on the cover. But that is not what it is. 00:30:05 Speaker 3: Okay, I unwrapping further. Oh what is this cologne? 00:30:10 Speaker 4: It is a very high quality colonne. I just looked online it is I have regifted that, And to me, that's normal. I told you about my history. I was going to give you a pin that was en animel pin of a skeleton hand of Richard Pryor. I don't know if you're a fan of his comedy. 00:30:32 Speaker 3: That's a big swing to give somebody a piece of an artist's material or whatever that they then they're like, well, I'm not that big of a I mean, I love Richard Pryor and whatever, but like you give somebody once. I remember in eighth grade received like a Dixie Chicks album, which, as an eighth grade boy who was also decades away from coming out of the clause, I was like, this isn't for me. I'm taking this back to Fred Meyer and getting the Beastie Boys and so. But yeah, with music, comedy, that sort of thing, you're always running a risk of giving them an assignment. Yeah. 00:31:07 Speaker 4: I harkened back to sixth grade when I slid a Belinda Carlisle seven inch ep in the girl I dating her locker along with a piece of cake, and she threw her bags in there and the cake when everywhere, and she broke up with me the next day at the Western Montana Fair, so giving music as a gift, just assuming she loved the hit song Heaven as a Place on Earth. I thought everyone liked it. But she's doing fine now she's actually a beautiful woman married to a fireman somewhere. 00:31:45 Speaker 3: Well, let's hope she's come around on Belinda, because that song's it's a terrific piece of music. 00:31:51 Speaker 4: All the go gos listen to it now. 00:31:54 Speaker 3: Oh, it hits immediately you're in a good mood. 00:31:57 Speaker 4: I love it of that vacation song it Oh, me and all my friends every year have tried to do a waterski pyramid because of that music video. 00:32:06 Speaker 3: Oh I would kill to water ski to that. 00:32:09 Speaker 4: It is so hard to do a pyramid, by the way, But anyway, back to the gift. 00:32:14 Speaker 3: I'm sorry, okay, So this is this is I've already smelled it. I did an immediate smell. It smells good, very nice. 00:32:21 Speaker 4: It's a nice perfume. I'm telling you. There's no parabins or glycea talls or or lead in that organic artist series. Whoever the artist all the That's why the piece of plastic is with it, because all the information is on that plastic. Oh, I googled it. First of all, you're not supposed to do this with a gift, but that retails for a one hundred and fifty seven dollars. 00:32:49 Speaker 3: This is a part of my podcast. 00:32:51 Speaker 4: I had to tell you because I think I've given you the most expensive gift. That's a crazy I mean, there's Geene Jackets in there. I could have given you a a a mug or a poster from my comedy special. That is a incertain I don't know if it's gone up in value. I'm going to say that's a two hundred dollars. 00:33:09 Speaker 3: This is appreciated. You've given me an investment. 00:33:12 Speaker 4: Yeah, but it did come with a piece of art by that artist, and I guess the artist is the one that poured wax on it. 00:33:19 Speaker 3: Or oh okay, so okay, so well, first of all, I just want to I think maybe future episodes, I'm going to do a price is Right style. That's just the least appropriate thing you can possibly do with the gift, where I try to guess the price of the gift. 00:33:34 Speaker 4: I know that was how my mom was weird about gift giving. When when we opened something up my grandparents she would exhale and leave the room angry because based on what it did or didn't cost, she would get so upset with her parents, and then we'd get stressed out money, the value of a gift. My sister and I were raised so poorly when it came to gift like the importance of the gift cost. It's like, of course, anyway, that costs one hundred and fifty seven dollars Bridger. 00:34:07 Speaker 3: That's an expensive cologne, is very expensive, which is probably part of the reason why I never owned Colonne. 00:34:14 Speaker 4: I couldn't find a gift that is a gift from Jessica Kelly, my manager. She dropped it by she said, I have really nice cologne. I'm like, you're saving the day. And then I saw that it was called everyone wears a Mask, So I have to give her credit, just like my uncle's flashlight the year before. It's not technically from me, but it was given to her also, And this is a double regifted gift. It may have been regifted to the person that gave it to her. This is a real Magi triangle or pyramids. I don't know what I'm trying to say, but. 00:34:50 Speaker 3: Someone has cut all of their hair and sold it. Somebody has what's the other element of the Magi thing? It's a. 00:34:58 Speaker 4: I cut my hair to buy you. These fans are to buy you a What was it? 00:35:04 Speaker 3: Is it like a watch? 00:35:07 Speaker 4: Yes? 00:35:07 Speaker 3: Then what did he give away? Did he chop his hands off and he can't wear the watch anymore? 00:35:12 Speaker 4: He got his hands up, so you can no learn longer use scissors. I feel like a nice pair of scissors had something to do with it. Someone sold their hair before they got the scissors. I don't know. We My drama teacher in high school was in a televised rendition of Gift of the Magi That's incredible, And she would show us a reel of her cutting hair in that and I thought she was kind of overdoing it. And when she would yell at me and drama, I was like, you know what, we all know that you overdo it a little bit. I'm miss Johnson. If you're listening, I know that you're probably Oh God, I hope she's not listening. She listens to my podcast. Oh does she worry so much? I'm me and my big fat mouth. Miss Johnson. You've been an inspiration to me and I became an actor just to outdo you later in life. 00:36:05 Speaker 3: Oh, we loved your turner's wife in the gift of the match, I just the wife have a do the husband? Do they have names? I feel like giving them names would cheapen the parable if her names like Trisha or something of his. 00:36:19 Speaker 4: She was gift giver number three parenthesis woman. 00:36:25 Speaker 3: I like the idea of this being a gift giving triangle, like a love triangle, where there's some level of backstabbing and deceit, and there's lover scorned gift givers scored. Okay, so this gift is truly who knows this could be? No one knows who this gift started with. 00:36:45 Speaker 4: Right, there's no way of knowing. 00:36:46 Speaker 3: Giving somebody a cologne is an interesting thing because there's a good chance that they're hinting that you smell terrible. 00:36:53 Speaker 4: This is I thought about that, and I felt terrible. I was seeing a girl who's still a friend. But we when we broke up, I said, well, I already got you this. It wasn't we just I gave her a tooth. I gave her a Saunicare toothbrush. Oh boy, And so she had to receive that and think, oh, he broke up with me because my breath is bad, and it's like, no, it's a nice toothbrush. She wanted one. My friend, my good friend's and engineer at Sauniccare, he designed this new brush head and he sent me a new brush and I gave it to It was a nice gift. But as a parting gift, it will offend. 00:37:31 Speaker 3: It does. It's a little like work on that for the next person. 00:37:35 Speaker 4: I know still I still flinch when I think about it. 00:37:38 Speaker 3: But you were truly just worried about her gum health. Now she'll realize that eventually, when she doesn't have to get her gums replaced or whatever they do, she's going to think back fondly on that parting gift. Yeah, I yeah, But I mean I have been in a car a few times with you on your podcast, so I mean there is a good chance that you just thought bridge or smells terrible and it's time somebody turns that around. 00:38:05 Speaker 4: You've always had your fragrance and your appearance together, and that this in no way is a reflection of that stinky Richard. 00:38:12 Speaker 3: You don't come on my podcast and try to insult my body odor. I never would. I'm showering daily. I've got the deodorant. I'm doing everything I can, and if that's not good enough for the world, then damn them. 00:38:27 Speaker 4: And I am not calling you smelly. In fact, I should be this. Hello, pot, this is kettle. I am stinky right now. I'm so smelly. The only thing covering it is the sample spray of the gift I gave you. I had to make sure it smelled good, and so it just kind of went on one shoulder. I have one good shoulder in the other. I think this truly does smelling it. Oh, this also doubles as a COVID test. This is a quick like, oh my sense, my smell sense still is operating. I just use that for the next six months, and I need to double check. Yeah, there's so many reminders in there. It's it's called everyone wears a mask. I still don't know why. It probably had something to do with the small painting that someone kept and then gave the perfume away, or I think I went to a website and it looked like it was an artist series that where it came with a piece of art. That's why the bag is severed in half with kitchen shears. 00:39:24 Speaker 3: Oh, I didn't know. 00:39:25 Speaker 4: It's like it's missing something, and I think a piece of art. 00:39:30 Speaker 3: But the important thing is here, which is this beautiful smell. I am not good at identifying smells, but I feel like it's almost a woodsy pine smell. Is that the guest is. 00:39:44 Speaker 4: It's kind of an outdoorsy, masculine smell. But it's also I don't know. I went back and forth. I'm like, is this too girly? Is this too mat It's right in the middle. It really, it's really a good fragrance. 00:39:58 Speaker 3: Yeah, it doesn't. It's not overpowering. It feels like someone who's just emerged from the woods or something. And I'm happy to have that aura about me, somebody who's just been out in the forest, you know, collecting berries or something. 00:40:12 Speaker 4: I think that probably because it is it actually has berries and lavender and things like that. This is one of those organic perfumes. It's an organic perfume. 00:40:24 Speaker 3: Are what are not organic perfumes putting into their What is that? 00:40:29 Speaker 2: Oh? 00:40:29 Speaker 4: Just Dracar noir with a little sugar brute fabage as some soda baking soda. I don't know. 00:40:40 Speaker 3: No, wait, do you are you a cologne wearer? 00:40:43 Speaker 4: No? Okay, but I was given have you ever been? Yeah? I was given Clone as a gift. And every time I wore it, just one spray into the air and then you walk into it, through it through the cloud like a gentleman. And then I would go out and everyone it's like, you smell so good. I was hearing that so much that I was like, oh, I should have been wearing cologne. Yeah. 00:41:07 Speaker 3: I guess that you do the light walk through and you've just got a pleasant smell. If you're spraying it directly on to yourself, you're immediately a jigglow or something. 00:41:15 Speaker 4: Right exactly. I think that why aren't open my shirt and I spray the medallion I'm wearing? No, and that bottle will last you. I mean this bottle I had lasted eight years, I think because I'm just wow. One spray walkthrough is occasionally I. 00:41:33 Speaker 3: Feel like my I mean, I'm not going to have children, but you know, my niece's children are going to be going through my things after I've died and they're going to find a half empty bottle of this and then they'll continue to use it. It'll be a scent for generations. 00:41:48 Speaker 4: See, that's what gift giving is all about like how many people can receive it in the future exactly. 00:41:54 Speaker 3: And this is also it provides kind of a sensory element to this podcast, which is if people want to go out and purchases cologne while listening to the podcast, they can take, you know, the occasional whiff and it's suddenly you know, like almost like a novelty three D movie experience where you're you're in the room with us, You're smelling the cologne. You're smelling what I'm going to be smelling like for decades, like. 00:42:17 Speaker 4: The picture book that came along with the War of the World's audio soundtrack. 00:42:22 Speaker 3: Wait is that true? 00:42:24 Speaker 4: Yeah? Yeah, I had one as a kid. It was horrifying. 00:42:26 Speaker 3: What was it? 00:42:28 Speaker 4: War the World's Originally my dad remembers it. It was that orwell what was his name? 00:42:35 Speaker 3: Orson Wells? 00:42:35 Speaker 4: Orson Wells, thank you, not James Orwell, I don't read anyway. They're just listening to the radio one day and it comes on like a like an emergency. 00:42:46 Speaker 3: Broadcast, right, like a real thing, and. 00:42:49 Speaker 4: Everyone was horrified and they I when I was a kid, I was given that and I think my dad presented it in a way like this is real. And I listened to it and I was like, oh my god, this has lost footage of aliens abducting it, even though there was an illustrated book that came with it. 00:43:06 Speaker 3: Yeah, like we're giving it away pretty quickly with an illustrated book. 00:43:11 Speaker 4: But but yeah, I love that kind of sensory like, oh, this is the sights and sounds. 00:43:17 Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel like what you were bounds and smells of. Have you ever gifts? Have you ever gone to one of those movie theaters that like shakes you or sprays you in the face. Yeah, yeah, I've never been toos. 00:43:30 Speaker 4: Does it like a bugs life? You know, a butg flies by and you get bugs spit in your. 00:43:35 Speaker 3: Face, right, or they like run under your seat so it feels like you've got bugs in your pants or. 00:43:40 Speaker 4: Honey, I shrunk the kids. At one point, a dog sneezes in your face. It's always disgusting liquids that you don't. 00:43:46 Speaker 3: Yeah, it's never a pleasant like here's a taste of cake. It's just whatever slime they can throw at the audience. Yeah. 00:43:55 Speaker 4: And there's a virtual Transformers, right, that's pretty new one. It's fun. And one point there's a Street urchin a hobo man that just turns in peas in that miss. I thought it was kind of out of I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 00:44:14 Speaker 3: I just so the Transformer's ride, there was a homeless man that peas on the audience. It almost feels like a real bad move on the part of Universal Studios. 00:44:26 Speaker 4: It's very real. I mean, it's part of the scariness of you know, Dycepticons are coming. There's Optimus Prime. Oh my god, you're also dodging a human man's urine. I always go dirty. I'm really sorry. This was such a clean episode. 00:44:43 Speaker 3: That's fine. When Michael Bay gets in the picture, you've just got to go dirty. It's just Michael Bay or you know, legend creator of so many beautiful pieces of art that have led to this theme park ride where we're somehow make fun of homeless people peeing on a theme park guards. I didn't know. 00:45:05 Speaker 4: Who else would pee in the camera. I should have just stopped with honey, I shrunk. The kids. 00:45:12 Speaker 3: Always stop with honey. I shrunk. The kids leave with honey. I shrunk the kids. Well, I'm very excited to try this on. I mean, we'll see what the world thinks obviously there are very few people smelling me right now, but I know me too. Yeah, I mean, hopefully in the next six months or so, I'm going to make my big debut as a new person who has like a pleasant scent. People want to be around the you know, the first person I hug post quarantine is going to get a whiff of this foresty delight and they're going to just soak it in or they're going to be repulsed. And what happened to Bridger, to Woodsy to what he's been living in the forest for the last year. 00:45:53 Speaker 4: Yeah, I think someone there's maybe sap on your clothes. 00:45:58 Speaker 3: Well, I'm always just con they a little bit sticky. So that's just something people have to deal with. I've got Sarah Pani all over me, so, but that's the Bridger experience. That's what people have to deal with. I don't know what to tell them. Chris, how do you feel about playing a game? 00:46:16 Speaker 2: Oh? 00:46:17 Speaker 4: I love games? 00:46:18 Speaker 3: Do you want to play? We have two game choices, and I'm going to let you pick gift or a curse or Gift Master. Gift Master please, Okay, this is how gift Master works. I'm going to give you three potential gifts, items, experiences, whatever, And I'm going to tell you three celebrities. You have to tell me which of those gifts you'll give which celebrity. Does that make sense? 00:46:41 Speaker 4: Like fuck Mary Kill? But it's gifts. 00:46:44 Speaker 3: I don't know sure. But what I need from you is a number between one and ten seven. Okay, I have to go calculate some things I have to. You know, it's a random list. So for the next amount of time, who knows you to promote something, you get to recommend something you have the mic. Just use your time wisely, don't let this opportunity pass you by. I'll be right back. 00:47:07 Speaker 4: Okay, great, Well, I guess I'll just promote my special. I mean, I logically what I should be doing is using the bathroom. I have had to pee so badly. But I want everyone to watch Rescue Cactus. That's my new comedy concert. It is on Vimeo on demand or the website we'renarly dot com. That's w ere e na r l y that's Gnarly without a G. I wanted to make it very hard to get access to Rescue Cactus. It is on Vimeo on demand, my new comedy special and soon we'll be playing a gift version of Blank Mary Kill. I wonder what the gifts will be and who the selects will be. Let's just hope one of them is Ashley Judd. I am watching Double Jeopardy, a film that loosely based on the movie Fugitive. It's actually no different, but it's Ashley Judd instead of Harrison Ford, wrongly accused for. 00:48:18 Speaker 3: The creator of his spouse. Enough is enough? Oh sorry, I've calculated. The time has come to play the game. Great, a pretty decent use of that time. You fell apart a little in the middle, but you're everything's fine. We're ready to play, gotcha. 00:48:34 Speaker 4: I can get to Tommy Lee Jones is in both movies, anyway, Go ahead, go ahead, all right. 00:48:39 Speaker 3: These are the three gifts you have to give away. First, a novelty mailbox, so that could be any type of novelty mailbox you want. You know, they come in all shapes and sizes. Sure, second gift is a senate seat. And third gift that you will be giving. Where is it on here? I've already lost it and this is a disaster. I've let's see here. Oh you know this is something you'd buy it? I guess you buy them at hardware stores or something. A bag of ladybugs. Are you familiar with those where you're able to just buy a bunch of bugs in a bag? 00:49:11 Speaker 4: Are they dead or alive? 00:49:13 Speaker 3: They're alive. This is a real thing. 00:49:15 Speaker 4: Are you sure it's not for fishing? 00:49:17 Speaker 3: This is not for fishing. And I think you can order them online. It's a bag literally full of ladybugs. And I assume that's to like you unleash them on your garden or whatever, to. 00:49:27 Speaker 4: Kill right or an enemy or an. 00:49:30 Speaker 3: Enemy, or you like leave them in a church and they get out and suddenly you know, or it's a fun gag for the members of that church, whatever you want to do. That's that's basically what's happening here. You know, this is a randomly picked thing. So sometimes you get an object that needs to be explained. Bag of lady bugs. You know what a senate seat is, so I don't need to explain that. And you're going to be giving them two the following celebrities. Okay, musician Saint Vincent, certainly terrific actor and bless her, she's always good. Catherine Keener and finally a little bit more controversial, at this point in his life. Musician Morrissey. 00:50:14 Speaker 4: Okay, I am not going to give the Senate seat to Morrissey. We've ruled him out. 00:50:21 Speaker 5: And. 00:50:23 Speaker 3: I mean, is it the obvious? You care to explain? 00:50:26 Speaker 4: He he There's been glimmers that he's perhaps on the wrong side of the politics of sane people. So I don't want him to be in control in any way. 00:50:39 Speaker 3: That probably makes sense. Yeah, he's gotten into some racial territory that doesn't feel right. 00:50:47 Speaker 4: But I do. Uh, I forgot which it was he's racist? Yeah, I was like, what who does he hate? 00:50:53 Speaker 3: He has hate in him, but we make knew that making some big bad statements that you know, Morrison needs to figure it out. 00:51:03 Speaker 4: Yeah, and stop writing. You're not a good writer. His book is very strange and erotic. 00:51:10 Speaker 3: I've never read the book. 00:51:11 Speaker 4: I just this is from April April Richardson who uh is was former? Possibly back to just liking the music. You know, it's a lot like Michael Jackson. Once you get that beat hits your and your legs starts shaking, you can't not dance. And I love the Smiths and of course I and I lyrically just the darkness I feel like creatively, he is someone that is in his own world. So I'm going to give him a mini dollhouse sized just because that's one of my interests. Uh. And and as a reminder for him to say, stand indoors and and keep his thoughts quarantined into a tiny tiny house. Uh, the little mailbox. Will I'm giving him a mini ature dollhouse sized mail box. 00:52:01 Speaker 3: Oh so a mailbox that cannot receive mail. 00:52:05 Speaker 4: Yes, yes, I'm going to give the Senate seat uh to Catherine Keener. Oh, I just I've only seen her once and it wasn't a speech, but she she remastered and put out the movie Style Wars, which is about the beginning of breakdancing and graffiti and early hip hop. It's it's a great movie. And she brought some of these kids. They're kids in the movie. Like if you ever that Beastie Boys album you went and pretended to like when you were a kid, you know all that. 00:52:41 Speaker 3: I'm not pretended. I will say I love I love a Basie Boys album. 00:52:44 Speaker 4: Well, Belinda Carlisle is better in my opinion, but I listened to Beastie Boys too, and or whatever you I forgot what yours were, But there's that that sample that's like, yeah, I heard she's been giving it up to all those graffiti guys, get like those kids. That's all audio from this movie and it's a great movie. And some of them were there speaking with her, and she cared so much about graffiti culture from the eighties. It was just like she seems like someone's that is passionate about things that she doesn't necessarily you wouldn't know. I think she would have. 00:53:17 Speaker 3: I would have never guessed this with Kathy, right. 00:53:19 Speaker 4: She's filled with surprises, and she seems. 00:53:22 Speaker 3: Like a sensible you know, she's not going to make any stupid moves in the Senate. I feel like she probably should be in the Senate. 00:53:29 Speaker 4: Yeah, and I love she's dry, she's sarcastic, and she's smart, and she probably intimidates the right men, you know. 00:53:38 Speaker 3: And the thickest head of hair in Hollywood. 00:53:40 Speaker 4: Let's say, it's not like I didn't even want her hair, can we not? I could talk an hour about her hair. I actually can't picture it. I'm thinking of it was it was it was bound back, I think, and being John Malkovich to where we didn't notice oh right, right, right. But she's great in that she has my vote on the Senate. The third gift being the bag of ladybugs I'm going to give to Saint Vincent. I feel like during one of her stage performances or Coachella or something, she could come out, you know, and and unleash them like confetti and everyone imagine that you're on stage, and then ladybugs just emerge from a pouch on her side she has from a couch, a pouch she has auch. 00:54:31 Speaker 3: I was imagining kind of that was giving me some real bedbug imagery. That doesn't feel right. 00:54:36 Speaker 4: She comes out on stage on this weeld sofa, she's sitting on it, and on her side it's this handmade leather pouch or fanny pack. She opens that up like some kind of a gelfling or a pixie lady, and from it are these magical ladybugs and they fly into the audience and land on everyone's shoulders. And then she does one of her hits songs. I don't know any of them right now, but I know I love her work in the past. So she gets the bag of bugs. 00:55:06 Speaker 3: I think that's in Brilliance. 00:55:07 Speaker 4: That's then at seat and Morrissey gets a tiny little mailbox. 00:55:13 Speaker 3: Everyone gets what they deserve. I think that that was fantastic and I can't. I mean, I feel like Saint Vincent is going to do that. We're gonna have to sew her for the idea. Yeah, yeah, I mean Saint Vincent also known as first name Annie. We know you're out there. If at any moment lady bugs emerge from your stage show, Chris Fairbanks will see you in court. Yes, well, you can collaborate, and you know, I feel like that's a great idea. 00:55:39 Speaker 4: I just want ten percent of those bugs. 00:55:43 Speaker 3: For your own gardening purposes. Yeah yeah, that actually feels like an eco friendly version of confetti. You're sending out these bugs to destroy other bugs and keep our gardens beautiful. 00:55:57 Speaker 4: And the funny thing that people don't realize about lady bugs when you let them crawl on you because they're pretty, they fucking bite. They bite, and then they and then they piss orange liquid on you. They had them. 00:56:09 Speaker 3: Neither of these things have happened to me. 00:56:11 Speaker 4: What They bite hard. Ladybugs bite and they bite hard. They're mean little ladies. 00:56:17 Speaker 3: I had no idea. This is shocking. 00:56:19 Speaker 4: I'm not shitting you, man. 00:56:21 Speaker 3: We're all letting them go on us whenever they feel like and they're biting, and they they make and kill right what they do? You know, they're murderers. They're out there destroying the more pesty style bugs. But I have been I feel like heroes. 00:56:38 Speaker 4: I've been bit by ladybugs and been really surprised. But you know, you don't squash him. You're like, but you're beautiful and you let them fly away. 00:56:46 Speaker 3: Wow that I need to. I mean, I'm willing for Ah to let a ladybug bite me just for the experience. I need to. Maybe I'll order a bag and just let them go in my apartment and see what happens. I'm very curious. 00:56:58 Speaker 4: Ladybugs in Montana. Really, maybe that's they get Oh. 00:57:01 Speaker 3: It's the Montana ladybugs. 00:57:03 Speaker 4: Yeah, really, they have some teeth on them. 00:57:07 Speaker 3: Well, you did an incredible job there. I think that that was just an outstanding use of those gifts. So we're going to move into the final segment of this podcast, where real life people need some actual help giving gifts to people they're writing into I said no gifts at gmail dot com. They're desperate. They need the help of two strangers to give someone in their life a gift. Let me read the first letter right now. Okay, Bridger, I have a mother like all of us, I suppose, Okay, great, but she has money and the ability to buy anything she wants. We also live a far we live far apart, so experiences we can share are out. She enjoys true crime, law, Skinny Margarita's, and the color teal. That's really all I've got, thanks, And that's from Casey. So, Casey, the mom has a lot of money. This is this is always trouble with someone older or more successful, that they struggle to find them something that they can use that they don't already have. 00:58:09 Speaker 4: And yeah, nothing stresses me out more than oh so then it just has to be thoughtful. It's like, all right, boy, can I just throw money at this problem? 00:58:20 Speaker 3: Yes? Well okay, So first of all, Casey, I'm seeing the words teal. The first thing that comes to mind. This is going to cost I actually I don't know what this is going to cost at this point, but I picture I always associate the word teal with a pontiac grandam. 00:58:35 Speaker 4: Oh man, you have to buy a car. 00:58:37 Speaker 3: I feel like you've got to get her, you know, like a nineteen ninety eight Pontiac Granddam. That's immediately something that she can It's a lot of teal it's functioning or not. She's going to be shocked, but she's also going to it's going to be difficult for her to deny when it's her favorite color. 00:58:55 Speaker 4: Yeah, and reminiscent of the ending scene of Thelman Luis where a Teal Chevy launches off the side of a cliff as a clasp each other's hands. Sorry, I just went into a dream world, so. 00:59:11 Speaker 3: No, I mean, but speaking of experiences, you can share drive off a cliff and a Pontiac Grand Dam with your mom. 00:59:17 Speaker 4: Yeah, it's a great You both have a skinny. 00:59:20 Speaker 3: Margarita and you you're a little tipsy, and suddenly it feels like a good idea to Thelma and Louise. 00:59:26 Speaker 2: It. 00:59:27 Speaker 3: I don't know. That feels like a gift that can't be denied and also incorporates true crime. I mean, suddenly we're all talking about this lady. She may not get to experience it. I don't know, that feels like a decent gift. I mean, otherwise true crime law, I mean law that casey, Come on, what gift? What are you giving anyone who enjoys law that like get maybe I guess a book about there's got to be a good I'm thinking I read a decent book about the actually an excellent book about the ira A uh called Tell I believe it's called Tell No One. That's a good true crime historical. I hope that's what it's called, because otherwise, but it's an excellent book. And if she enjoys that sort of thing, that's a genuine recommendation, right, right, Chris, do you have any ideas? 01:00:23 Speaker 4: And I think she is into law. I'm guessing because it has a it's a big it's a big part in solving crimes, like like I'm watching that the HBO documentary about Michelle McNamara. Oh sure, sure, and and so much of it was her doing her own detective work and and crime reach. It's a big part of like murder mystery. It's it's really interesting. So anyway, should just get her that that book or or just uh with a teal bookmark in it? 01:00:58 Speaker 3: Oh, I'll go to an ice quality bookmark is not a bad idea with along with the book. And I'm realizing, yeah, the book I recommend it is actually called say nothing, not tell no one, say nothing. Okay, similar things, but yeah, we get her the book. Maybe you make the bookmark. Maybe it's made out of a beautiful teal fabric, maybe as the color teal pontiac grand damn picture on it. 01:01:23 Speaker 4: Right right, that's more affordable and it and it makes a book more personal, like it is kind of personal to say, hey, I want you to read this book, but you are just like buying a book you got on Amazon, so you can really personalize it with a nice handmade bookmark. Like I'm picturing a strip of teal leather or maybe full leather. 01:01:44 Speaker 3: If she's vegan, Well, I feel like a is there can you get teal leather that's not vegan? 01:01:53 Speaker 4: I guess you have to go to the Southwest to say, kind of a Southwestern art store there's teal leather with fringes and oh I would lovely on a cast or something. Yeah, you have it like on the lapel of a vest. You just rip that off. You buy the vest, you rip off the teal leathering. Yes, jam that into your favorite book about crime. 01:02:18 Speaker 3: And then there's the possibility of driving off a cliff is always there. Keep that in mind, Okay, Casey, we're moving on, we have to answer at least one more person's question. Okay, Chris, this says, Hello, I am Russian as fuck. My grandmother is turning eighty eight in July. She's the type of woman who moved to America in her retirement, learned to drive and rollerblade, traveled the world, buried her late life boyfriend directly next to my grandfather, and refuses to use a walker despite having suffered some legit falls because that shit for old people. She's a badass, compassionate and all around awesome person with some very slight dementia. I love her, but she's impossible to shop for any ideas that's from Anna or maybe Anna. I never know with a Russian person if it's Anna or Anna. But it's a n n A. This grandmother sounds fantastic. This is a I mean, this person is living life that list. 01:03:12 Speaker 4: I mean, my favorite is the burying her boyfriend next to her first husband. 01:03:17 Speaker 3: Right, this is where I keep my man collection. 01:03:21 Speaker 4: Yeah, it's great. It's like a bag of ladybugs. 01:03:27 Speaker 3: Satan Vincent throws her boyfriends onto the audience. 01:03:30 Speaker 4: Devin rollerblading, that's so cool. Yeah, this say when she was rollerblading. 01:03:35 Speaker 3: Like really, well, I let's just assume eighty seven. I mean, this says she's I feel like this person is probably still rollerblading and uh. 01:03:46 Speaker 4: Yeah, okay, so what do we get her? 01:03:50 Speaker 3: I mean, I feel like she's still up for an adventure or some sort of excitement. This is somebody that you really want to get out in the world. You don't want to give her like a puzzle get her out. I mean she rollerblades, maybe it's time she learns to what ice skate or what's a skateboard game? 01:04:11 Speaker 4: She should skateboard. I mean rollerblading it's better exercise. You get that side to side. You know, it works your certain muscle groups. But skateboarding is really what everyone wants to be doing. There's a woman called Elaine Shawcross who's a woman from England who died a few months ago. But she in her I believe seventies, decided I want to learn to do a shove it, a skateboard trick called a shove it or skateboard. She had cancer. She was in remission. It was breast cancer. It was spreading and then she'd go through chemo again and it was all on this Instagram account that I think her daughter's husband was curating, and everyone the skateboard community fell in love with this woman who had be of her trying to do this trick on her carpet and then she'd be back in the hospital so she wouldn't be trying to learn the trick and then she'd be back and every I love that the skateboard industry, like it's weird. Yeah, I just got emotional. She so yesterday was the National shovet Day and I forgot to film myself doing this trick. But yeah, she was really neat lady. 01:05:26 Speaker 3: Yes, she was like. 01:05:28 Speaker 4: Learning to skateboard later later in life as a cancer person, you know, a cancer person, but maybe I. 01:05:35 Speaker 3: Have I have hope to learn to skateboard. 01:05:37 Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, it was really hopeful. Everyone jumped like it was it was everyone loved this woman. 01:05:43 Speaker 3: Well, then it sounds like maybe there's some maybe this grandma can learn to skateboard, or you. 01:05:47 Speaker 4: Know, just get some padded shorts. That's what I wear because I don't want to land on my metal hip. It hurts real bad, So I wear these padded shorts under my pants. 01:05:57 Speaker 3: Right, And if skateboarding is too much, maybe it's time to pick her up a copy of Tony Hawk's pro Skater. 01:06:04 Speaker 4: Right, you very you're very right. You know there's a new one out. Oh, we're not released. Get the The graphics are insane. Yeah. 01:06:12 Speaker 3: Get this woman in a PlayStation and a copy. I feel like she's this It feels like she will be doing new things until the day she joins her boyfriend and her ex husband or former husband. Let's get her playing Tony Hawk's pro Skater and you know, racking up combos. 01:06:28 Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, I mean, you don't want to her traveling. It's at her age, it's otherwise, you know. Maybe let's get her a trip to Paris and then a copy of Tony Hawk's pro Skater, the reissue. 01:06:41 Speaker 3: It's the ideal grandma gift. Yeah, this is why we should all be getting our grandma's Okay, anna, trip to Paris. She's got Tony Hawk's pro Skater. She's having the time of her life. She's fourteen again. Go ahead and get her that. Don't even think about any other option. That's what you've got to get her. Throw in a teal bookmark and maybe some cologne. It's time for grandma to start wearing cologne. Well, I think that we've answered as usual, have absolutely nailed the gift recommendations for these people. No one can even begin to complain, even imagine to complain that this advice is not good. This is excellent advice coming from two people who know gift giving. Yep, Chris, it's been absolutely so wonderful having you here. It's lovely to see you. And now I have this new thing to add to my personality, which is being someone who wears cologne. I know, an experiment. 01:07:42 Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, I want to get some for myself too, and then become Colone people. 01:07:46 Speaker 3: Yes, I think it's time we become real. We get some tracksuits and to start wearing tons of cologne. Well, the next time that we see each other in person will hopefully we'll be able to give each other a hug. And there's going to be a moment where you're going to say, that's the cologne Bridgers got the cologne on he didn't forget, And it's going to be thrilling. It's gonna be a whole new world and I can't wait for the day. 01:08:12 Speaker 4: Yeah, and you'll know, you'll know that hug's coming because you'll smell me around the corner. 01:08:18 Speaker 3: It's gonna be like a pepe leapew style scent floating through the air. Well, thank you so much for being here. It's been a delight. 01:08:30 Speaker 4: And yeah, so much fun. Good to see you too. 01:08:32 Speaker 3: Yeah. Hopefully we'll be able to see each other in person at some point in the next fifty years. 01:08:38 Speaker 4: Yeah, like at a party or a rather human gathering. 01:08:42 Speaker 3: Sitting next to each other in a movie, or maybe you see me at a skate park and I've learned a skill. 01:08:47 Speaker 4: Oh, I'd love it. 01:08:48 Speaker 3: You never know. Well, that's the end of the show. Everybody, thank you for listening, and thank you to Chris, and let's all go, you know, enjoy ourselves. Let's have a nice rest of our day. Goodbye. I Said No Gifts isn't exactly right production. It's engineered by Earth Angel Stephen Ray Morris. The theme song is by miracle Worker Amy Mann. You can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at I Said No Gifts and if you have a question or need help getting a gift for someone in your life, email me at I Said No Gifts at gmail dot com. Listen and subscribe on Apple podcast, Stitcher, or wherever you found me and why not leave a review while you're at it? 01:09:31 Speaker 1: Helloe, why did you hear? Funa man myself perfectly clear, But you're a guest to me. You gotta come to me empty, and I said, no guests, your presences, presents, and. 01:09:54 Speaker 2: I'm already too much stuff. So how do you dad? Do? 01:10:00 Speaker 1: They means bo