00:00:08 Speaker 1: Well, I invited you here, thought I made myself perfectly clear. But you're a guess to my home. You gotta come to be empty. And I said, no guests, your presences presents enough. 00:00:31 Speaker 2: I already had too much stuff. So how did you dare to surbey me? 00:00:48 Speaker 3: Welcome to the show. 00:00:49 Speaker 4: This is I said, no gifts, And I'm Bridger Wininger, And I'm so happy you're here. I hope you're feeling nice, maybe washing some dishes, driving to work and kind of just collecting yourself before a big day. 00:01:03 Speaker 3: Whatever it is. 00:01:04 Speaker 4: We're going to get it, get through it. And I've got a friend here. I've got a friend. He's a writer, he's a comedian, he is a director. He is the star of a television show called Corporate Matting Gabrets. Hello, Bridger mad I'm so happy you're here. 00:01:20 Speaker 3: Bridger, what are we doing here? Look? 00:01:23 Speaker 4: I invited you here and you're already constant we. 00:01:26 Speaker 3: Start a podcast. Who told you to do this? 00:01:29 Speaker 4: I was visited in the night and had this little idea yes, and then you came along and told me I should do it. And so now I'm dragging your back in for the first you know, I will take credit for. 00:01:42 Speaker 1: This or Jerry. 00:01:44 Speaker 4: You said, Bridger, you should do that if someone will give you a microphone, and I said, that sounds amory. 00:01:49 Speaker 3: Someone made that mistake. If somebody has made a huge mistake, and we're just going to have to move through it. And now this is your first one. How do you feel so far? I'm going to interview you this one interview taking this over here. I'm the host here, you parasite. You caught me on a big week. He's caught me on a big week, and so well, where do you want me to start? 00:02:12 Speaker 4: The week started out big with me going to none other than the Korean Spa, which. 00:02:19 Speaker 3: One, yes, I have. Have we talked about we Spa? I don't know if we have. 00:02:23 Speaker 4: We spaw for me is Disneyland. It is truly the feeling, the best possible feeling. 00:02:31 Speaker 3: Yes, you get to go in the sense that you dress up as a Disney princess when you go. 00:02:35 Speaker 4: Of course, I'm in my bell gown, I've got the full wig and I'm wet. 00:02:42 Speaker 3: Okay, we spaw for the Korean Spa For people who don't know, should we explain it? 00:02:45 Speaker 2: Yeah? 00:02:46 Speaker 4: I think that that's worth talking about. This is the only Korean spy I've ever been to. We spas kind of Los Angeles's premiere Korean spa. 00:02:54 Speaker 3: Multi story spa. You go in, you put on a little costume. You well, that's not a costume. It's the least shoot a little loud say. It's like oversized shorts and a boxy T shirt. Yes, everyone looks bad. 00:03:11 Speaker 4: Well, you're given a little watch at the beginning, a little watch you wrap around your wrist. It gives you access to your locker. 00:03:16 Speaker 3: That's right. 00:03:17 Speaker 4: You go in there, and this for me was huge, getting naked in front of strangers. Me too, I'm enormous, yes, but also excellent for my for me mentally, because there's self esteem. Oh, my self esteems through the roof. Everyone looks begging to look at me. Everyone wanted to look, and I showed them. 00:03:36 Speaker 3: People are hooting and hollering. So you get naked. Then you walk over. 00:03:42 Speaker 4: Oh, but they do give you the shorts and the T shirtes, but that's for later. That's right, because you, I mean, at least I'm speaking for my personal Did you start with the bath stuff? They always start with the bath stuff. 00:03:50 Speaker 3: I don't. I end with the bath stuff. Oh, that's probably the move. Yes, I go do well because I feel like I get ultimately a little dirty in the sun. 00:03:59 Speaker 4: Is oh, yes, because maybe I'm like lying around. 00:04:02 Speaker 3: Maybe you're lying and gravel. Yeah, it's funny like describing this. It doesn't sound appealing at all. No, you go to the spat, you lie down and gravel, you roll around, you're wearing a dog shorts, and then you leave. Yes, okay, so that makes sense to me. Actually, this time I began in the baths. Yes, went to the dry spa, went back to the baths. The next day. 00:04:24 Speaker 4: My hair was as dry as a bound. It was like I had shampooed at eighteen times. But the reason I started in the spot or the baths this time was I scheduled the body scrub. Okay, have you done the body scrub? 00:04:39 Speaker 3: No? I have not, but I've been tempted to. It is an insane experience because it seems painful. It's not pain it's not painful basically, but it is invasive. It's the most invasive thing that has ever happened to me, even more than sex. 00:04:56 Speaker 4: Oh, absolutely, Because I mean you lie down on essentially just a metal table and you're fully naked. And a man for the next half an hour scrubs your body to the bone. 00:05:11 Speaker 3: Yes, I mean it occurred to me while I was lying there. 00:05:15 Speaker 4: It was this close as it feels like cadaver training because you're just in this kind of unpleasant atmosphere. It's like you're waiting for someone to come and identify your bone. No, I mean there's sometimes there will be another person on another bed there. 00:05:29 Speaker 3: Okay, you're and it's very but it's very it's borderline prison camp. 00:05:34 Speaker 4: Well, it's a crazy thing that you're making another human being. Somebody is they're being paid, but to truly touch your entire body like that, I suppose or I also usually they're Korean people. I feel like most cultures don't have the horror body shame that Americans do. Yes, so maybe it's not as big of a deal. If I was scrubbing down somebody's I don't know, I would be apologizing most of the time. 00:06:02 Speaker 3: And after the scrub, what do you feel? 00:06:05 Speaker 4: So feel invigorated, You feel like a whole new ye, all that. 00:06:10 Speaker 3: Skin is gone, your body has been desecrated by a stranger. 00:06:14 Speaker 4: I am at that point hot pink because my skin is usually just white. 00:06:17 Speaker 3: As a sheet. 00:06:19 Speaker 4: And then I march around back into the sauna, and yes, people are very excited to see me. 00:06:25 Speaker 3: Do you use the toilet trees that they provide for you? The lotions? I can't tell you. This time I went all the way. I used the toothbrush. Good God for a free toothbrush. You're out of control. 00:06:35 Speaker 4: I was like, you know, I'm here, I'm going to brush my teeth. Yes, so I did the body scrub. I mean this this trip and I'm so sorry that we're just talking all spa, but this trip to the SPA felt calculated to really pinpoint my anxiety because in the bath area there was a man with a ponytail who was diving into the the entire time. Yes, and these are you know, they're not you know, but it's not a swimming pool. There are signs that say do not dive into the tubs diving literally diving every time. Yes, so fortunately not into the tubs that I was in. But as someone who is just annoyed by most people, that just was on my mind while I'm trying to relax. Yes, I move on to the scrub. Halfway is through the scrub, the guy starts coughing, so not the sound you want to hear while you're trying to just be scrubbed. 00:07:29 Speaker 3: That reminds me of a massage I once got. Actually that Actually I believe I talked to you on the phone right before I got it. 00:07:37 Speaker 4: Wait, was this in our the neighborhood you used to live in, which is currently my neighborhood that you I feel like you told me there's a time massage to avoid. 00:07:45 Speaker 3: It was no, well, there is one to avoid, but there's another one to probably a lot of massages to avoid. This was in I had done it sho. No, I'd gotten to a show a couple hours early, and I had some time to kill, so I was at first I was sitting outside on the curb outside of a mcdonh and actually intro to a massage. A couple Mormon missionaries came up and tried to clearly looked terrible because they tried to, you know, bring me into their faith. Then I was like, you know what, I'm gonna get a message. I'll treat myself. So I just in Google Maps, I just put in time massage, looked up no information on it. I walked in. The smell was highly questionable in which way. It smelled like a restaurant. Yeah, it smelled like meat, but it was an exclusively massage place as far as I could tell I walked in. The moment I walked in, I was like, I've made a mistake and I should leave, but they were already like hello, So I was like, well, I'm about to drop fifty bucks and just do this. I pay money. It's one of the most painful massages I ever got. That culminated in her. You know when they walk on your back, and they usually have straps that they hold and two bad I'm not from I. 00:08:51 Speaker 4: Know that they walk on your back, but I wasn't aware of these straps. Okay, there's amnasium that's right off. 00:08:56 Speaker 3: And on the ceiling, something to help them balance. They didn't have those. Instead, when it was time to walk on my back, she pulled out a senior citizens like walker okay, and straddled me with it and then walked up and down as I was in pain for weeks after that. It really decimated me. 00:09:13 Speaker 4: Did it feel like whatever she was doing she was actually doing it correctly? It's just not something that you wanted done to you. Or was she just a madman. 00:09:20 Speaker 3: She was out of control. That sunds. It was a bad I was in pain. I heard for weeks after. Was there any part of it that was enjoyable? 00:09:27 Speaker 2: No? 00:09:28 Speaker 3: And massages are tricky because they are that balance between like pain and pleasure. So you wanted to hurt a little bit. But I like she like sprained a muscle in me. 00:09:38 Speaker 4: I have never really had a professional massage, now that I think about it, the closest I come is the scrubb crubb. But maybe it's time for me to look into a massage. I just don't know who to trust. You get into Yelp, and of course Yelp reviews now mean nothing. 00:09:53 Speaker 3: I know, so who? And then I'm I don't know. I don't want to. I've been thinking about a facial. Oh I've never gotten one. You should try a facial. How do you do that? 00:10:02 Speaker 4: You have a beard, so half of your face is covered. 00:10:05 Speaker 3: I'm not getting my money's worth. You're not off. 00:10:09 Speaker 4: I should What would you want a facial for? You've got nice skin. 00:10:13 Speaker 3: This is well, thank you, Bridger, this is Fridger. You don't have to, Matt, let me describe your face, but go ahead. 00:10:22 Speaker 4: Matt's face right now is bathed in a very soft light, so smooth, not a blemish on it. Maybe under the beard there's horrible scarring, but from what I can tell, Matt's got. 00:10:33 Speaker 3: A perfect face, so keep that. He talks about giving himself facial So I've heard, and this is slightly disgusting, but I've heard that they like dig out black heads that they like get in there, and I think I like that. 00:10:48 Speaker 4: I think most, whether people want to admit it or not, most people love that. I love a black head coming out of their face. 00:10:55 Speaker 3: Now. My only regret is that I wouldn't be able to see it. I want, yeah, it happen. You. 00:11:00 Speaker 4: I remember pretty clearly when I discovered I could squeeze like a black head out of my nose and being like, yes, that's disgusting, but it's also. 00:11:07 Speaker 3: But I want it. 00:11:08 Speaker 4: Yeah, I want it to happen. And I think I've been told you shouldn't do that. No, I don't think you should, but maybe if you have a professional How are they doing it with a little needle or something? 00:11:18 Speaker 3: Yes, does that hurt? I think it does. You're excavating your face got one recent okay and said that it was painful, but like an interesting experience. 00:11:28 Speaker 4: I wonder what level of pain. 00:11:30 Speaker 3: I don't know. 00:11:31 Speaker 4: How did she look after? Could you tell that she had just had her face? 00:11:35 Speaker 3: She was covered in blood? But I've become it she talked to me about, and now I'm intrigued. Although I don't even know if I need one, because again, I have perfect skin except for the horrid scard. 00:11:48 Speaker 4: I feel like, maybe you want like a relaxing facial, something that's not going to do a lot of work. That's more just like they're putting the cucumbers on your face. There's experiences slime on it. 00:11:59 Speaker 3: Well, other thing I do, I do know what I enjoy. I don't really watch ASMR videos, but I do like personal attention, like whenever a doctor like does like checks out me. I like that a lot. And if I could just pay I guess I could just go to the doctor more, just constantly. I kind of share a doctor. He is a bit of a joke writer. He listen. 00:12:24 Speaker 4: I have heard probably more of his comedy than yours at this point. I do think that's true, and it is truly like written comedy. 00:12:33 Speaker 3: It is like old school monologue, like those topical yes yeah and that's the first ten minutes of your appointment is is you are the audience? 00:12:43 Speaker 4: It's I mean I've had a lot of experiences with the doctor this year because I early August, as you know, got strep throat, yes, which was absolutely horrifying, and I just should I scheduled one appointment with him. 00:13:00 Speaker 3: It was fine. I went. 00:13:01 Speaker 4: Second time I was at his office was I just showed up? It was like, what about Bob's style? Because I was so desperate for help, surely accommodating. 00:13:11 Speaker 3: You didn't go to an urgent care. 00:13:12 Speaker 4: Well, I'll tell you, I was deeply sick. Went to an urgent care without looking at my insurance, and you don't want to be in an urgent care, deeply sick, uninsured. I walk up to the counter. They turned me away. I nearly well, they told me that or it was going to be like and of course I'm not spending a dime on myself. I turned around and just went home. Yes, then used a okay, so, I mean, this is a lot. But the strip throat eventually went away. I fall asleep the day that it's going away on my couch. 00:13:50 Speaker 3: I wake up. I've got shingles. 00:13:53 Speaker 4: It felt like I had finally gotten out of a cave and got immediately hit by a car. 00:13:58 Speaker 3: This was a dark time as bridges life. Shingles, I don't know. I didn't see much of him doing this. 00:14:03 Speaker 4: Had well, I hope nobody did shingles for five weeks right on my face, which was so this all this was, of course, more trips to the doctor and listen, there was some diagnoses and then some treatments that were probably not correct. 00:14:23 Speaker 3: What are you saying to me right now? 00:14:25 Speaker 4: I'm saying that I well. I initially, after being turned away from the urgent care, I went on the cell phone. 00:14:31 Speaker 3: Have you done this yet? The cell phone doctor or the sort of like video conference? Yes, I did. What did you do it for? I got food poisoning recently? Oh? And I was. I was vomiting so much and I couldn't keep any liquid down that I was severely dehydrated. And I got on and he was like, go to the emergency room. 00:14:47 Speaker 4: Okay, so yes, that feels worthless. Wait what caused this food poisoning? 00:14:53 Speaker 3: Well, Hillary and I ate all the same things. She didn't get it, but she has more of an iron stomach than I do. But we did eat Trader Joe's lobster ravioli. I'm sorry, but you found I don't over me. I was in the ravioli department Trader Joe's, and I'm typically a better nut squashed. Of course you know this about me. 00:15:15 Speaker 4: Bridger, as everyone should be. The lobster is no one's buying that? 00:15:19 Speaker 3: Well, I did, and to be honest, it wasn't even that good. No, of course, no offense to the chefs a Trader Joe's. I didn't want to bring that upon you, but could It's not your finest work, so we had it. I woke up the next one. I was like, this is something is wrong. I couldn't keep any liquid stone. I was like shaking. I was so dehydrated. Went to the emergency room. By the way, you turn into a monster at the emergency room, because they're all hell. There was like an hour wait, of course, and I was pissed off everyone else there. I was like, I don't care if you're dying. I wanted to be people bleeding. Are you sitting there with people bleeding? Nobody else was bleeding as far as I can do, unless they were concealing it. I I walked in, though, and I was like I just told him. I was like, I have the flu and I need help. 00:16:00 Speaker 4: So that point you still felt it was not food poisoning. 00:16:02 Speaker 3: I didn't know, okay, but I'm pretty sure it was. 00:16:05 Speaker 4: My big food poisoning event was another fish product. It was a salmon fish and chips, but at a restaurant. Of course I had it coming. But at the same time, at that restaurant, I also ate ravioli weirdly, and so I can't to the stay candy to rest listeners. 00:16:21 Speaker 3: If you have for you, you take anything away from this podcast, stop eating ravioli, Cross behind them with a fish. Cross it off the list. It's done. Okay. 00:16:30 Speaker 4: It's like there's too much in there. There's just a chance that part of it's gonna get poised. 00:16:34 Speaker 3: You don't need to put pasta's enough you need you need to put stuff inside it exactly. 00:16:38 Speaker 4: Just pour something over, settle down, eat it dry. 00:16:41 Speaker 3: One more food poisoning story I'll share, let's hear it. I was in Montreal for a comedy festival. The night last night I was there, everyone stayed up like having a fun time, partying and stuff. At two thirty in the morning, I head back to my hotel. On the way back to my hotel, there was a True TV sponsored stand that was handing out bagels and locks. 00:17:04 Speaker 4: As we all know, True TV is famous. Got the money for the finest. 00:17:10 Speaker 3: Beagles and locks from True TV. Fish from True TV out of a cooler at two thirty in the morning, and I scarfed it down. 00:17:18 Speaker 4: Were you drunk? 00:17:19 Speaker 3: I was a little bit? Kay, that makes a little more sense. Yeah, I was impaired. I then, which, honestly, they shouldn't have been serving me locks. That was honest Who is serving locks at two thirty in the morning. That is not in the middle of the night food. I hope somebody hears this and True TV I should get some money for this. 00:17:35 Speaker 4: So the next morning I should get a whole series out of this. 00:17:38 Speaker 2: Yeah. 00:17:39 Speaker 3: The next morning, I wake up at nine am and I'm like, something is terribly wrong. My flight leaves in two and a half hours from Montreal. So I then I call LYFT. I'm like, I need to go get medicine. I walked downstairs. I feel terrible. I haven't thrown it yet. I get in the lift. I tell them to take me to a pharmacy. Within two minutes, I have the car door open and embombed out the side. He's yelling at me, understandably so because I just got into his car and immediately started throwing. 00:18:06 Speaker 4: Up, and he probably just thinks you were hungover in an a possible so. 00:18:09 Speaker 3: I then he doesn't take me all the way to the farm. He like drops me off a couple of blocks later and is like, get out of my car. So then I stumble my way to the pharmacy. 00:18:17 Speaker 4: The idea of being food poisoned and then getting on a plane, I would just I would move to Montreal. 00:18:24 Speaker 2: Of that. 00:18:24 Speaker 3: It was one of the most out of body experiences I've had in my life. 00:18:27 Speaker 4: This is a big time for you because I know your birthday is also coming up. That's right when your birthday is coming up, when the holidays are coming up. Gifts, the gift, The word gift is right there in the title of this podcast. 00:18:38 Speaker 3: What do you like to do? You have any gifts you like to get for your birthday? Well, I my goal because it's always I'm essentially I was trying to trick people into getting things for me that I don't want surprise gifts. 00:18:53 Speaker 4: Like to like carefully guide without directly. 00:18:57 Speaker 3: That's exactly right, sure, So I'm looking for things that I want but might not by myself. So like close from a clothing store that typically I might be like, I don't need that expensive of a shirt or something like that. What store are we talking about here? Well, do you want to get free plugs? 00:19:14 Speaker 4: Well, I just want to know, because I don't know where to buy clothes anymore. I haven't bought I was looking at my closet the other day. I'm like, most of my shirts are truly fifteen years old. Well, and this is something we've talked about this before. 00:19:24 Speaker 3: Ye, because you you are simultaneously a fashionable man, but almost buy no clothes for yourself. I buy almost. 00:19:30 Speaker 4: This is my most recent purchase. I bought this at a place called the Rats Nest in North Carolina. 00:19:34 Speaker 3: It's nice, thank you, it's lovely. But you should be doing more because Bridger and listeners, you can't say is he's a spelt. He's a handsome, but he's bathed out. Let me describe Bridges. 00:19:45 Speaker 4: We've got to talk about my body as much as possible on this podcast. 00:19:48 Speaker 3: Bridger is has an extremely symmetrical face. He has i'd say, cute forehead wrinkles. He has a great jawline, great hair. He's got a real. 00:20:01 Speaker 4: Looks my hair, I will say today, I'm pretty happy with how my hair looks. 00:20:05 Speaker 3: I'm unhappy with how my hair looks. I feel like your hair always looks good. Well, I've just picked a look where it's like it. That's right, there's no wrong answers. You should be very happy. I was going to ask you, and I know we're trying to get to the next part of the podcast, or maybe no, we're not. We're doing whatever we want. Okay, great. I was going to ask you how many times a week are you shampooing? Zero? Well, I would say once. Why I jumped to zero zero. I was shocked to hear that zero. I don't wash my hair. 00:20:36 Speaker 4: I haven't washed my hair since I was ten. No, I would say one every week and a half, every weekend and a half. So that's because probably too much. Really, okay, I probably do twice a week. 00:20:48 Speaker 3: You're washing your hair twice a week. I've heard you're not supposed to wash it at all. Well, where's the science on shampooing. I don't think there is an It's all here saying wait till it stinks. Well, that's my Thay, I sweat when I exercise, I sweat a fair so that is my concern is I don't want Now Here's the thing is, it's like, how many I'm six foot four, so not many people are getting a whiff of my hair. True, this is for the birds. This is exclusively for birds. Yes, that's right. So I'm but it's a concern of mine. Where like I sweated, I'm like, well, I guess I need to watch it now. Often what I'll do is conditioner, no shampoo? Oh, interesting, what sort of conditioner? Well, okay, I've been experimenting. So my sister I have two older sisters, and they've guided me through life in terms of hair products and sure facial products and clothing. About a year ago she got me a shampoo and conditioner called Daviness. Okay, very familiar. It's expensive, of course not it's like thirty five bucks for conditioner for me. Now, I'll tell you what. It's incredible. It's what does make a difference. What is the difference you're saying, Well, when you do it your hair, I was like, oh, my hair was never got clean from the other It feels actually like, oh, I can run my hands through which, sure, let me see if I can run my hands. Yes, stuck, Stuck. I'll just keep it here till the end of the podcast and go to the hospital. 00:22:09 Speaker 4: Something I have done in the last year every few months is a deep conditioning with coconut oil. 00:22:16 Speaker 2: Is that what it was? 00:22:17 Speaker 4: Where I'll put it in at night, throw a shower cap on. 00:22:22 Speaker 3: Oh, like your grandmother. Well that's what I was about to ask, because I once made the mistake of I read that you should put coconut oil in your hair. I put it in in the shower, tried to rinse it out, it didn't all come out. Then I'm just have greasy hair all night. I didn't have a shower cap. So then I ruined a pillow. Of course, how was the pillow ruined? Was it just like not ruined? But it was probably coconut oil all over it. Yeah, it's just a greasy pillow at that point. Well, the thing with the deep conditioning for me is I didn't notice any difference. It was just annoying. 00:22:55 Speaker 4: And then I woke up and then I was like, I guess it was a little shinier, but my hair is already like an annoying and I don't need to draw any more attention to this. 00:23:02 Speaker 3: It's all guesswork with when it comes to hair and the beauty industry, because it's like the beauty industry is propaganda. So it's really difficult to discern what is actually working in what is just marketing getting honest answers from yes, well, it's so they don't know. I largely rely on my sister. She recently just gave me some new face moisturizer that I've been putting on. Are you moisturizing your face? 00:23:24 Speaker 4: I'm doing Look, everyone knows about me. I'm a Jennifer Aniston type. I've been doing a veno for years. Okay on your face, face arms, now, do you have a specific face one or you're putting normal lotion on your face. 00:23:40 Speaker 3: I'm putting normal lotion. It's a very mild lotion. I don't know. I mean, I'm looking at Steven. I'm looking at the other people in the room to see if that is okay. It's an oatmeal in a grimace and and somebody and Stephen is shaking. It's an oatmeal face. 00:23:58 Speaker 4: Jan Annison's putting it on or she's He's making the big books. 00:24:02 Speaker 3: Absolutely that has never touched her face Scotous right exactly, because she's not using a vino. I feel like a veno is a I mean, I'm sure it's fine, Bridger, but you should consider it. 00:24:16 Speaker 4: I moved to a new thing. But I've been doing this literally since I was probably twelve years old, because I have very dry skin. 00:24:22 Speaker 3: Oh yes, well, and that's actually that's when we all should have started using heavy face moisturizer. 00:24:27 Speaker 4: Is yeah, yes, because you know, yes, we want that youthful. You want that Jenniston sunscreen on your face every day. I'm again, I have an Aveno with an SPF. 00:24:37 Speaker 3: That's fine, Okay, that's the main thing you must be doing. And listeners, sunscreen on your feet. 00:24:42 Speaker 4: Let's all put Look, I wish I had known, but you know, when you're a teenager in Utah in the nineties, everybody wants to be tan. I wish somebody had just taken me aside and said it's never going to happen for you. Stay out of the sun, you idiot, and read it right. Oh my god, I've been absolutely know, I've been hospitalized with the sunset in Venezuela, but that was a whole other experience. Yeah, too much time on the beach and then back into the hospital. But look, there's been something on the table this entire time. You know, there's very few rules about this podcast. Yes, each episode should be eight hours long. 00:25:25 Speaker 3: Well, and I said no gifts. Well, Bridger, I'm sorry, but I felt that I felt awkward not bringing something currently Matt has brought. 00:25:34 Speaker 4: I'm just going to describe what seems to be probably a foot and a half long by a foot box in a beautiful floral wrapping. 00:25:43 Speaker 3: With a card on top? Is that for me? Fridger? Matt, I said no gifts. I couldn't help myself, Okay, I felt like I needed to do something. 00:25:53 Speaker 4: This feels like a strange way to draw attention to yourself on I podcasts. 00:25:57 Speaker 3: Well, okay, well, now you're making this. I just felt there was the right thing to do in it. It doesn't have to be about me, and I honestly resent a little bit about that. You're calling, Well, do I should I open it? Please? Okay? 00:26:11 Speaker 4: Well, I just let me. I opened the card first. For me, with a card, I never know if I should save it for later or open the gate. I will sitting as you just showed. 00:26:21 Speaker 3: Up with a gift. 00:26:23 Speaker 4: Yes, should I read it aloud on the podcast? Okay, it's like I'm gonna describe. This is literally just a piece of paper Matt has folded on half card stock. 00:26:33 Speaker 3: It's card stock. Where did you get card stock? 00:26:35 Speaker 2: Well? 00:26:35 Speaker 3: I make custom you know, I put. I didn't put a ton of work into this one, but I'll draw a picture on this say is uh. 00:26:42 Speaker 4: We have been friends for close to a decade, gone through life's ups and downs, and I finally feel close enough to you to ask, how do you pronounce your last name? Sincerely, Matt, Matt, I really appreciate that. I mean, I know you know how to pronounce my last name, but I'm going to say ballpark. A twenty percent of the people in my life don't pronounce my last name. 00:27:02 Speaker 3: I wanted to give them a chance to learn without having to confront you face. 00:27:07 Speaker 4: Yes, this podcast, ultimately, for me, was just to teach people how to pronounce my last Yes, winegar, wineger. It looks like vinegar, yes, which I understand people would want to say vinegar. But there are people in my life and I'm not gonna name names who should have figured this out by now. It's wineger. But you also interesting that you have a last name that I imagine a lot of people struggle with. Yes, although, which is crazy to me because your name to me, really tells you how to pronounce it. It's like it's phonetic yea Bretsen, What pronunciations are you getting? Ing Bretsen, ing Bretsen, Ingebretsen, hinge, ingull Bretsen, ingul Bertsen, Oh my god, and then just blank stares. People are putting in a lot of work to mispronounced names. I know inga Bretson that feels so it's fun. It feels like it's like on a pogost. 00:27:57 Speaker 3: I do feel like your last being Vinegar is add something bridger Vinegard, sort of like your alter heat. 00:28:06 Speaker 4: Yeah, that's kind of my poisonous like crime, like talking through the shadows bridge or vinegar. 00:28:13 Speaker 3: Well, okay, okay, I'm going to open the gift. Please, let's get some nice are you A. 00:28:21 Speaker 4: A lot of people I think will just dive into ripping open a gift. I try to be a little more careful with the wrapping paper. 00:28:28 Speaker 3: I don't although this is nice wrapping, this is like a wallpaper almost now tear tear it up. I don't because I just get Now you know what's underneath. You could damage something, your career right about that. This you're safe now, I will say, just before you get your hopes up. The box that it's in is not what the gift is. So this is not a Sega Genesis. It's nice, okay, yeah, I just I will just adjust my expectations. Now. This is very nice wrapping paper actually, but it's a little bit inconvenient because it didn't come in a role. It came in two rectangles, the new thing, which seems crazy. It doesn't make it. Just give me the roll like the rectangles. It's I think it's a new way to overcharge. Although this is like a hearty paper, it's not the thin dollar store. Tore it up. It'll never be used again, never again. 00:29:17 Speaker 4: It's looks like you've got you've recently ordered from an online retailer. I won't mention, but that's right. 00:29:23 Speaker 3: Who should be advertising on this? Yeah, it probably fits there. Actually, Oh, look at this? What is this? It's a T shirt? A beautiful t shirt? Yes, what is happening here? So you've sent me where you've given me? Oh my good grief. 00:29:40 Speaker 4: What I initially thought was just a white T shirt with a pocket, which would have been terrific, a great gift. Of course, everyone likes to just get a nice T shirt. Yes, I turn it around, Matt has I have to explain something and I'll have to share this at some point for the last well, let's see in about twenty twelve, I I don't know what did this to me, but I was Google image searching Sizzler. Yes, and I found the highest resolution photo maybe on the Internet, of none other than the owner of Sizzler. 00:30:12 Speaker 3: Is that who that is for? 00:30:14 Speaker 4: I were looking to this recently. I don't know why Carry Cramp was the owner of Sizzler. This is just a photo of him standing. 00:30:24 Speaker 3: That man's name is Carrie Cramp. Carry Cramp standing in front of a salad bar at Sizzler. I'm telling you this photo was beyond four K resolution. It was you could put it on a billboard and it would be crystal clear. You can see the black heads on his face. 00:30:39 Speaker 4: Yes, So I eventually switched it to my to this day has been my desktop wallpaper. 00:30:46 Speaker 3: Incredible. I saw you tweet that reason. I didn't know if it was a lie or not. It wasn't a lot truly, I was trying to share with the world. This has been my photo since I bought this computer, I believe seven six seven years ago. I also should probably get a new computer. But when I do get the new computer, I will be putting carry right back on. Yes, although now I can wear it on a T shirt. So it's a tell me about this, okay. Well, I one of my favorite gifts to give people actually is a custom T shirt. 00:31:14 Speaker 4: You've done this for me before, That's right. I could name You've given me a T shirt that says which I wear frequently when I'm working out, proud mommy blogger. 00:31:22 Speaker 3: Oh, I forgot about that one. 00:31:25 Speaker 4: And you've given me a horse Symphony T shirt that's right, which is very stylosh. Actually that's probably my I will say. The sleeves are a little long. I might have them trimmed or something. My arms are too short trimmed. Can you get a T shirt like trimmed? If you're SPI do yourself. Maybe I do go sleeveless, Yeah, turn it into a muscle tape. Is that my personality? Absolutely not? 00:31:48 Speaker 3: But I think you could do it. Okay, So this is something you do custom. I like to get to make custom T shirts for people. I use a website which I will pluck because I use them all the time. I think they're great, called custom inc customing, because that's what squid. 00:32:01 Speaker 4: Yes, I tried to make a Waverray sixty four T shirt on that but I couldn't pull the trigger because it was twenty five dollars. 00:32:08 Speaker 3: Well, and again going back to the fact that you're a cheap skate, what do you pay? What is your in your mind? What should a T shirt cost? 00:32:15 Speaker 4: This is a problem for me because I haven't bought usually. I mean the majority of my clothing was bought over a decade. Again, I feel like you're living in the your nineteen ninety seven. Yeah, so if I see a T shirt that's over ten dollars, all that's a splurge. 00:32:28 Speaker 3: That's a big splurge for me. 00:32:30 Speaker 4: Over ten over ten dollars, it feels like, oh, I have to I truly, And I also I can say I recognize this as a mental flaw at this point. Yes, I have to think it over, and I frequently think it over to the point that it vanishes, and then I just don't buy anything. 00:32:44 Speaker 3: You have to readjust now listen a ten dollars T shirt obviously a great deal, but I'd say T shirts on average these days you have to expect twenty dollars. What was the last T shirt you bought for yourself? Well, I just actually recently. This is not a good example this because they are cheap, but I bought a five pack of plain white Haynes those that's the leastons. 00:33:06 Speaker 4: This just like an undershirt situation. 00:33:08 Speaker 3: Or an undershirt I've also, I mean, I continue to dress more and more like my father did in the mid nineties, and so as most people do jeans with a tucked in white T shirt that's sort of around the house. Look for me or maybe a Sunday afternoon, I'm stopping by the hardware store. 00:33:25 Speaker 4: Okay, that makes sense. That's a good look for this. Yes, Now, I do feel like you just recently tweeted about T shirts being softer than ever. 00:33:34 Speaker 3: That's right, and I think, I mean, I think I agree. Okay. Now, they've always like a vintage T shirt has always been of course it's been through the wash, that's right. But a new T shirt at this point in history, we're reaching new levels. We are, though, I agree, But what's doing it? And who's driving this movement? Well, nobody really asks for it. I mean, like we are for that. And you know, somebody responded to that tweet a good point, which is that the durability level has plummeted on these interests. Because that's right, there's softer By the way, a clip I recommend this is Fast Fashion made me think of it. There's a clip of Kim Kardashian at this speech thinking oh shit, maybe cut this pattern. No, leave it? No I want to. 00:34:23 Speaker 4: I mean, yeah, regardless, I need you to continue. 00:34:25 Speaker 3: To Okay, Kim Kardashian, she's being interviewed and she is she has a funny story. She's like, oh, funny story I have to tell. It was I was offered a million dollars to post a fast Fashion Instagram post and I thought, why don't I do it? But then Kanye told me that I shouldn't do it because they rip off designs from yeesus. And I was like, okay, Kanye won't do it just for you. And she sets this up as like a cute story. So then she's like, so I didn't do it for Kanye. I didn't make the million dollars. My birthday comes around and he gives me an envelope and inside is a check for one million dollars and a contract to be a partner in the Jesus? 00:35:05 Speaker 4: How is this a marriage that is the most psychotic? These people like, Yes, that each of their skulls contains a human brain is so bizarre to me. 00:35:17 Speaker 3: Yes, I know what, so fast fashion you made me think of that. Okay, back to T shirts. Back to T shirts. They're softer than ever. 00:35:26 Speaker 4: They're softer than ever, less durable, certainly, and I feel like a lot of my I've bought some very I mean granted cheap T shirts, and after one wash, I have to iron them. I don't want to have to iron a T shirt. Absolutely not. I wanted to just bit my body and look casual. 00:35:45 Speaker 3: I have been my sister. Speaking of my sister again, I bought okay, actually this is before those Hanes white T shirts. A couple other T shirts I bought. It's funny that I tweeted that T shirt thing because I bought some not soft T shirts. Recently, I bought a couple of names. I bought another couple Hanes. 00:36:00 Speaker 4: Oh, Hanes, this company has no consistency. 00:36:04 Speaker 3: Hanes like a blue I just like I just want plain T shirts about a blue and like a green T shirt off of Amazon. I'm sorry for supporting that company. I know they're destroying the environment, but I bought them, and they shamed me because of how not soft they work. Oh interesting, now they've since sent me a new T shirt that is very soft in a response to them not being soft. Yes, they did you plain? What Wait? I didn't complain. They were like, Matt, you can't be wearing T shirts like this anymore. You're an adult man. This T shirt isn't soft. This is This says a lot about who I am. Is that my older sisters have shamed me my entire life in my fashion. But why not? 00:36:40 Speaker 4: I mean, at least put those T shirts to work. Run through the wash A few times. 00:36:44 Speaker 3: I've been working on that. I think they're getting a little soft. 00:36:47 Speaker 4: Let's be honest. You just moved into a new home. You have your own washing machine. I do use that thing to just beat the hell out of some T shirts and turn them into the soft T shirts you've desired. 00:36:57 Speaker 3: They're luxurious. 00:36:58 Speaker 4: My thing with T shirt is I feel like we made some enormous progress from about two thousand and three to twenty thirteen of T shirts that fit men's bodies. As a small person, this is been something I've really struggled with my entire life, finding a T shirt that just fits in a fitted way. We're now forgetting all of those lessons and moving directly towards T shirts that go to your knees. 00:37:24 Speaker 3: Yes, what's happening? I don't know. 00:37:26 Speaker 4: I feel like I'm just I was trying to grasp onto this. 00:37:29 Speaker 3: I was in heaven for a minute two because I'm in a slightly different position tall, tall and thin, and typically T shirt companies in the past, the taller each size up, they assumed you got longer and wider. Oh yeah, of course. So I was wearing shirts that fit me were baggy. So then for many years I wore shorts that were too small for me but fit me around the torso the way that I wanted to be a medium sized man. That's the dream. 00:37:51 Speaker 4: I know somewhere between you and I is the perfect T shirt wear. 00:37:55 Speaker 3: Yes, that's exactly, and that's a real shame. How tall are you? I'm five six and you're six two four six ' four. 00:38:03 Speaker 4: That is tall. You're a tall human. I'm right on the almost a foot taller than me. 00:38:08 Speaker 3: I'm right on the verge of it being like a problem and for and people would stare if I was any taller. 00:38:13 Speaker 4: Yeah, was there pressure on you to play basketball? Yes, But do you feel like dad was mad that you didn't become a professional. I think is there mad at himself. He's also a tall man. 00:38:23 Speaker 3: I know he was six three. My grandpa was six four. Decent basketball player. I can toss the pig skin up the whole. If there's a hole, I'll toss a ball at it. Well, it sounds like you give it a try. I gave it a try, you know I will. What happened was when I was in seventh grade. I was pretty good. I was on the A team at my school. Then eighth grade rolled around. A couple other guys got their gross spurts before I shu above me. I got moved down to the B team, and I became resentful and I quit after that. 00:38:57 Speaker 4: But as we know, neither of those guys went on to professor basketball, so it didn't matter for anybody. 00:39:02 Speaker 3: One of their names was Daniel. I won't even say his last name. He was the school bully really ruined. 00:39:08 Speaker 4: Well, he's probably dead. I mean if you don't make it into the NBA, and I don't know. Yes, we haven't heard from him since. 00:39:15 Speaker 3: So did you play any sports growing up? I played basketball. I was on the everyone's advice. Unfortunately, no one gave me any advice about this. I was on the junior jazz in Utah. My parents. 00:39:31 Speaker 4: I don't know what was going on. It was very apparent from minute one I was not a basketball player. They let me do this for years. I would have been thrilled for one of them to step in and say, learn the piano instrument. There was the piano, which I also just was actively fighting against, so I didn't learn that skill either. But if they had just stepped in and said, let's find something for you to do, yes, well you're not embarrassing yourself. I was the kid on the team that was like, let's get bridge of the ball so he can at least throw it once. 00:40:00 Speaker 3: It was not good. 00:40:02 Speaker 4: I guess I was having a good time. I was on a very good team. 00:40:06 Speaker 3: Well, you were stupid. I was very dumb. Little. You weren't aware of your surroundings. Something was going on. 00:40:13 Speaker 4: I was a lot of assists, a lot of assisting giving the ball to men that I or I guess at the time, boys who I knew would be able to make a basket. That's right, never scored a single point. 00:40:26 Speaker 3: Humiliating. 00:40:28 Speaker 4: Oh, I took one shot and it was from half court. 00:40:32 Speaker 3: So you never made a basket. And how many years did you play? At least three? 00:40:38 Speaker 2: I want? 00:40:40 Speaker 3: Oh? 00:40:40 Speaker 4: I mean the team for letting me stick around is heartbreaking. 00:40:46 Speaker 3: That is truly because as someone in my first years of playing basketball, I got to the point where I was pretty good. But in my first yeares I didn't make many baskets and it feels bad. 00:40:54 Speaker 4: Oh yeah, it does not mean I guess I got to a point where I was like, well, I guess this just isn't part of my basket all experience. I'm more just somebody who's running up and down the court. I was probably three feet tall, yes, mouthful of braces, just this disgusting little creature. 00:41:12 Speaker 3: My parents, I don't know what they were thinking. Maybe I don't know. Did they try to force you to play piano? Oh? 00:41:20 Speaker 4: They I mean they definitely took me to lessons every single week. I don't know if forcing or not. But my piano teacher, Carol tried her best. I played the Friends theme song at a recital. That was my I think that was kind of the climax for me. And that's the only thing I can remember how to play on the piano. The first like, do do do do do do do? 00:41:45 Speaker 3: That's not what you want to be playing nobody. Everyone's upset with you. 00:41:50 Speaker 4: If you're playing piano piece, I'll be there for you. 00:41:55 Speaker 3: Did you take piano? No, I did not. My parents tried making both of my older sisters play. They both hated it, fought and like, we're so upset that they didn't try to make me play, And then I ended up playing drums. I took sure that sounds like I would have been a good drummer. I think. I think so. I feel like I've got a decent rhythm. Well, I always think of you as a I think you could have been a frontman to a band. 00:42:18 Speaker 4: Well, you know there's still I've got seven decades. 00:42:21 Speaker 3: Well, I don't know. 00:42:22 Speaker 4: If I don't know, there's I picked up the guitar. Now by the time I'm sixty, I'm ready to go. 00:42:28 Speaker 3: And everyone's excited to see you up there, cheering you on the way. Your parents did well you're running up and on the basketball court. 00:42:35 Speaker 4: I just need somebody to write and record the music. Yes, and then I need to be able to sing, and. 00:42:42 Speaker 3: Then someone else will dress you. Yes, and then someone carries you on. 00:42:46 Speaker 4: To just be kind of a manufactured maybe secretly joined BTS or something. 00:42:51 Speaker 3: Yes, that's maybe. I'm the leader of BTS at this point in BTS. If you're listening, and I have to assume that you will, of course, every all four hundred of you, I really would encourage you to consider Bridger as a bandmate. I think he maybe a friend, as a friend, the very least as a friend. Take it he can, He'll just be around. What does BTS stand for? It's not behind the scenes. 00:43:16 Speaker 2: It can be. 00:43:17 Speaker 3: But that is what I think of every time. I didn't even know there were a band. 00:43:20 Speaker 4: For boys to sing. We need fifty boys to sing? 00:43:26 Speaker 3: Where are they are? 00:43:28 Speaker 4: I'm going to be destroyed by the BTS fanmates. 00:43:31 Speaker 3: You are this podcast? 00:43:33 Speaker 4: Is I should just give my address out now? 00:43:36 Speaker 3: Yes, before I get just give it up DoD. 00:43:40 Speaker 4: Ducks my millions of fans. Well, this T shirt's amazing. I mean, at some point should I put it on? Is that something you think it will fit. 00:43:48 Speaker 3: I got you as small, of course, as small as my size here it does look fairly small. Is that going to be like a maybe. 00:43:55 Speaker 4: Jules Harassment thing if I take my shirt off. 00:43:57 Speaker 3: And not at all? Right now, it's just all the listeners will be jealous. Let's see it. I would love to see it on you. 00:44:04 Speaker 4: Ask everyone in the room, is it okay? If everybody close your eyes. 00:44:06 Speaker 3: All close their eyes. That's also Bridger has been to Korean spies and he is a body. Okay, I don't want to embarrass and now on the first spyheads, but if you're going to listen to this podcast, I think you should know Bridger is a fit man. He has apps and he looks great. Okay, that's gonna fit. This fits now. Probably needs one shrink one and that's good because it will shrink whether you like it or not. It's immediately soft though, so that's great. I've got carry cramp on the back of my shirt. People are going to be so confused. Is that jolly man in front of a salad bar? And obviously no pressure to word in public, but I think it works. This is something I would love to wear because on the front it's it's unassuming. It just has a little surprise. I'm gonna take a sticker off. I feel a little ridiculous that this is still on me. Yeah, oh geez this. 00:44:56 Speaker 4: I just want to tell the listeners that this company puts a terrible sticker on their T shirt. It feels confusing and unnecessary from an online retailer customing. 00:45:06 Speaker 3: If you're listening, that's something you could work on. 00:45:08 Speaker 4: Yeah, come on, give me a break, Matt. I have a game called Gift Master. 00:45:15 Speaker 3: I'd like you to play. 00:45:16 Speaker 4: I need you to give me a number between two and ten because I love to count. 00:45:21 Speaker 3: And are you about to go count? Off screen? Is this another rambling? 00:45:25 Speaker 4: You're about to go even is going to earn his keep editing me counting? 00:45:31 Speaker 3: Stephen leave these moments, and I think this is what we say different numbers, okay, mumble numbers. The number I will choose is four, four, Okay, I'll go into the calculating machine. You calculate, I'll talk, we'll see if it's worth keeping. And Steven feel free to edit this out. Let's see if I can think about it. And this is I don't know if this will be the first episode to air or not. But a little introduction to Bridger for those of you who don't know him. He's a tiny man who is very wrong muscle wise and weak mentally. But he is smart and funny and a nice man overall, although honestly can be quite vicious, which is how he earned his nickname Bridger Vinegar Matt. 00:46:18 Speaker 4: The counting has been done. The gift Master is about to I'm about to push the button on the gift Master. 00:46:23 Speaker 3: Let me give you the rules. I can't believe you've done this. I can't believe we're here doing this. This is out of control. 00:46:28 Speaker 4: This is how the game works. This is we're gonna judge how good of a gift gift for you are. I'm going to give you three gifts, yes, three things that you could possibly give. Then I'm going to give you three names of celebrities, actors, this sort of thing. You're going to determine which of these people you're going to give each of the items. 00:46:46 Speaker 3: Does that make sense to you? I think it makes sense. Okay. 00:46:48 Speaker 4: The gifts are a restaurant grade blender, a leaf blower, and surgery. 00:46:57 Speaker 3: Wait what kind of surgery? 00:46:59 Speaker 4: Well, when you're termine who you're giving it to, maybe you can decide. Okay, the people you have to give these two Margo Martindale character. Famed character actress Margot Martindale O. If you need to look her up. She's fantastic, of course, because she's kind of blends into every role and just does a dynamite performance. 00:47:19 Speaker 3: Okay. 00:47:20 Speaker 4: The next person the members of Heim all three sisters. Okay, so that's a triple, but it's only one gift, so they have to split it. And then Elijah Wood, most recently seen in the Lord of the Rings. 00:47:33 Speaker 3: All right, so we have a leaf blower, restaurant, restaurant, great blender, and surgery to Margot Martindale Heim and Elijah Wood. So let's start with Margo. What are you going to give? Mark? Can you tell me a little bit about Margo? 00:47:48 Speaker 4: Margo, you know, she's just kind of been this character actress. She did a terrific job on The Americans most recently as kind of a diabolical Russian. But she kind of plays she could, she does it all. I don't know what to tell you. She can be maternal, she can be sadistic. I have her pulled up. I recognize. 00:48:10 Speaker 3: Oh, yes, she's in a short film in. 00:48:12 Speaker 4: The movie Paris, where she plays a character who goes on a little trip by herself to Paris. 00:48:20 Speaker 3: I want to say. It's a Coen Brothers directed short. Everyone should look it up. It's heartbreaking. Do you know French? Because your pronunciations have felt very genuine and no. 00:48:30 Speaker 4: Well, I took a lot of French, and then I went to Paris with Jim, my boyfriend, and he harassed me the entire time about my pronunciation. But it's just because he thinks he does everything better than me. 00:48:42 Speaker 3: And I think I know for a healthy relationship when one person thinks they're fundamentally better than the other. Okay, Margot Martindale will receive a leaf blower. Okay, why when I'm I picture Margo Now. It was a tough call. It was a tough call because when I picture Margo, I either picture the blender was the other thing I was considering. But I ultimately gave her the leaf blower because she's no spring chicken anymore. Sure, if you're doing yard work and you need to blow, you need to clean up, you don't want to. I don't want Margo out there raking. Sure, Okay, I want to hower she deserves to do it simply and efficiently. Okay. 00:49:28 Speaker 4: Interesting, See for me, I probably would give Margo surgery just you know, give certificate for surgery. 00:49:35 Speaker 3: Yes, because as you know, she's a middle aged woman. Sure, a middle aged person. Hm. 00:49:40 Speaker 4: I feel like I'm headed towards endless surgery after fifty and for somebody to pick up the bill on one of these surgeries. Maybe she wants to get Lasik eye surgery, maybe she needs. 00:49:49 Speaker 3: A new knee. 00:49:50 Speaker 4: Okay, I feel like for me, I would. I mean, I'm not saying you're wrong. I think the leaf blower is an excellent gift for Margo and she would probably be thrilled. I feel like she's probably out in the. 00:49:59 Speaker 3: Yard a lot. That's what I'm picturing. I'm picturing her gardening. I'm picturing her in a beautifully a picture ass house with a green front yard, and I want her blowing leaves. 00:50:08 Speaker 4: And I mean, if she was doing that with twenty twenty vision from my surgery, good griefs. 00:50:14 Speaker 3: Who knows what she can accomplished. 00:50:15 Speaker 4: Okay, So Margo and a leafblower, Okay, you've got a restaurant great blender that's more than a home blender. That's going to be able to throw rocks in there. That's going to write them up. And then we've got surgery. That's right for either. We've got the heim sisters. Is that their last name? I don't know, Yes, that is why I think so Heime sisters, if you're listening, reach out to me and let me know your last name. I'm not going to look it up, and then Elijah would. So for him sisters, what are you giving them? 00:50:45 Speaker 3: The heim sisters are getting surgery? 00:50:48 Speaker 4: Okay, so what sort of surgery are the himesisters getting? 00:50:51 Speaker 3: I have trouble keep keeping them apart. I feel like if if any of them showed up on my doorstep individually, I wouldn't know who they were. I would like to be sutured together. There we go, become the him sister. That's exactly right. That way, no more confusion. There's the trio is together at all times. 00:51:11 Speaker 4: I feel like we're headed this way anyway. They're doing all these choreographed dances. Yes, why not just become one person at this point? So it's surgery, but it's specifically. 00:51:20 Speaker 3: You can only use the gift card to get surgery to suture yourself so your body is together. Kind of a singing monster. I think it would work. 00:51:28 Speaker 4: I think I think it's a new hook, and initially I use mine on Margo, But I think you're making a. 00:51:33 Speaker 3: Good as a pop star. You have to learn to reinvent yourself. All insane is putting your bodies together and sewing them well, and they're splitting the royalties right now. Why not have all of them money go to one creature. 00:51:47 Speaker 4: That's exactly right like that? Okay, Well, I was going to say, give the gals a blender. Seem to like to party. I feel like one of them is mixing drinks. 00:51:56 Speaker 3: Well, I have a reason to give the blender to Elijah. Oh, let's just get it into Elijah. How how tall would you say Elijah is? Well? Probably for eleven four eleven Elijah. I'm worried about the amount of nutrition he is receiving. He is skeletal. I think Elijah needs a blender so he can make a dense nutritional smoothie for himself with protein and calcium of supplements. Okay, so that he does not hurt himself because I think he is headed. He's a waif. He's a waif, and Elijah, you need to start bulking up, buddy. Look, I've started making protein shakes at home. Yes, I can share a recipe. Elijah, reach out to me. 00:52:37 Speaker 4: What kind of protein are you using? I'm using Way Protein. Okay, it's my brother knows these things. I reached out to him. He told me, and I blindly agreed. It's a chocolate flavored protein. 00:52:49 Speaker 3: Fun fact. I run a stand up comedy show in Los Angeles called Good Heroin at Stories, Books and Cafe. Excellent show. There's a man who comes regularly who's an ex cop. He shows up on his motorcycle. He's the old This person who ever comes to Good Heroin, he's probably in his late sixties. He has started making it a habit of giving me hemp protein. Oh once a month. He has made entirely out of hemp hemp protein. I haven't touched it yet. I haven't used. 00:53:16 Speaker 2: No. 00:53:17 Speaker 3: Well, I don't know. I haven't asked him a ton of questions because I find it to be a little odd. And if you're listening, he also this is a man he's an X cop. He told me that I would make a great interrogator, oh, which I don't think. I rist why. I mean, I think he would be like the good cop. I could be the good cop. I think, I like I can. I could warm people up, but I don't think I could break people down. 00:53:39 Speaker 4: And this hemp protein is like bordering on lobster ravioli. To me, it was like, well, that's why something's gonna happen. Yes, yes, or ambient poison. 00:53:47 Speaker 3: Is it like in a bag? It's just loose. He just pulling it out of his pockets, like saying it just falls everywhere. I just scoop it up. No, it's in a container and it is branded, so it seems sealed. But I'm just it's the only time in my life I've been given hemp protein by a stranger, and so I'm a little wary of it. 00:54:08 Speaker 4: That happens to me cbd qualities. 00:54:12 Speaker 3: Is it just just straight hemp? I wonderful that I don't even Maybe I just don't know enough, but it feels like a weird I should send it to Elijah, honestly, because he needs it. He needs a starter pack. Yes, get him a blunder and some hemp protein and get some meat on that boy. Maybe you could, you know, shop seeing him as a hobbit. Yes, okay, well that's uh. Look I guess my final thing. I guess I'm giving uh all Elijah the leaf blower. But I feel like a few years ago I read that he had bought a house in Austin or something, and Okay, so you know he's got a property. He's got to blow some leaves around. And you know by this time that Lord of the rings money is running right now, he's you know, he's been living big the entire time he's out. Yeah, he's got to. 00:54:55 Speaker 4: He can't afford for somebody to blow the leaves. No, or he could sell it on list. 00:55:01 Speaker 3: That's exactly now, that's that's for cash. What was the last thing you sold on Craigslist? Last thing I sold on Craigslist? I tried to sell my bed. 00:55:11 Speaker 4: Didn't work out. Your mattress, the entire thing. 00:55:16 Speaker 3: Isn't it illegal to sell your mattress? Oh give me a break. People are selling their mattresses. 00:55:22 Speaker 4: If the Feds want to bust my door down because I'm trying to sell a mattress, come get me. Blow my brains out. Yes, I tried to sell the bed, got a few nibbles. Nobody wanted. It's a California king. And I think I've told you this, and I almost just want to use this platform to tell people the California King is not the bed you want. 00:55:42 Speaker 3: No, you want a king. 00:55:43 Speaker 4: You want a king. California King sounds fancier and bigger. It's longer you nobody needs a longer bed. I'm six four. I don't even need the life. 00:55:51 Speaker 3: Thank you. You should be the spokesperson. I've been telling people all I need is a match box. That's right. You should be on the floor. 00:56:00 Speaker 4: California King bed. I guess unless you have like, nobody sleeps straight, lying straight, everybody, I mean most people. I'm speaking now for everyone, but I think this. 00:56:09 Speaker 3: Is a judgmental coming from you. I do I sleep in a corpse position. Oh okay, but you're on a king bed and you're fine. I'm fine, okay. 00:56:18 Speaker 4: And then unless you're seven feet tall, you don't eat the California. 00:56:20 Speaker 3: That's exactly right. And you want the width, especially of a partner is a dream With a partner, you want the option to be close. You also want the option to abandon them in the night. 00:56:29 Speaker 4: Yeah, so you want to forget that they even exist. 00:56:31 Speaker 3: You don't want to feel them, you don't want to touch them. 00:56:33 Speaker 4: Yeah, you wake up. The next thing, you're like, oh, there was somebody else in the bed, wonderful. 00:56:37 Speaker 3: I'm alarmed. I had no idea. 00:56:39 Speaker 4: I'm calling the police. Yeah, that's what I recently tried to sell and it didn't work out. 00:56:46 Speaker 3: But did you end up getting a new bed? 00:56:48 Speaker 2: No? 00:56:48 Speaker 4: I gave up that sleeping on that bed and probably will until I move or something. 00:56:53 Speaker 3: I listeners, this is going to be an ongoing thing with Bridger, and I would encourage you to badger him. He doesn't spend money on himself and he deserves to have a bed that he likes. So please, you know whatever, please write in, write, please any what. He will slip up until you his address one day. I guarantee you that, and when he does, I want letters going to his house NonStop. 00:57:17 Speaker 4: At some point I'll get a new bed. But for now, I'm on the California and suffer. 00:57:21 Speaker 3: All Right, I'll let it go. 00:57:22 Speaker 2: Matt. 00:57:23 Speaker 4: We've come to the part of the podcast where we're going to try to help some listeners. 00:57:26 Speaker 3: Okay, look, I could. 00:57:28 Speaker 4: Call this gift bag. You could, but where it's a mail bag about gifts? Okay, why not call it? I said, no questions? Okay, where I'm getting I want you know, listeners have written in asking me because I know a lot about gifts, Yes, and just at general advice. You know, I'm good at People want to hear what they should give people for various things. 00:57:53 Speaker 3: But you didn't want to do this segment. Of course I didn't know, but I'm going to because people wrote in it's a first podcast, and somehow. 00:58:00 Speaker 4: There's that little bit of me that wants to help. Yes, And so I've gotten some letters and I'm going to read them, and you're gonna help me help others. I'd be happy to first up, Hi, Bridger, I have a hard time getting gifts for my wife. Before she buys anything, she spends hours online learning about the product, reading about every possible competitor, and looking for the best deal. I'm more of an impulse buyer and worry that my gifts won't seem thoughtful enough. 00:58:27 Speaker 3: Can you give some advice? Thank you? 00:58:30 Speaker 4: Jordan in Denton, Denton, Texas. 00:58:33 Speaker 3: I know about Denton. You're from Texas. I grew up in Texas, so you probably have some real powerful insight here. I can help you, Jordan. I mean, you have two options here, in my opinion, One you either completely submit to your wife and just get her things with a receipt, knowing she will return it and get the thing she wants. Sure, and that will just be the way it goes with you, and you'll be sort of a boring couple. And that's completely fine. That's fine. I mean that you can have other surprises. The other option you can do is you have to go completely outside of the box of the type of she asked for a gift. You cannot get hear that gift. You have to get her something completely original that she did not ask for. That way, it's not something that she can shop around for. It's just purely something. Now that's very difficult to do though, something that is like something she would want but doesn't know that she wants. 00:59:17 Speaker 4: Okay, sure, I mean the keyword I see here is I'm more of an impulse buyer, which to me that worries me. You don't need Okay, you've identified that about yourself. Yes, it's time to move on. When you're buying gifts. Your wife has given you some very excuse me, some very clear examples of how to buy things. She's going too far in the other direction. Yes, why not follow her lead? And do a little research on your wife. 00:59:43 Speaker 3: Is this the way to go? Because I do. I found myself the other day. I was I needed some new socks. Okay, I found myself typing into Google best socks, best socks. This is what's happening to all of us. I've been it's men's inexhausible. And I was suddenly looking at lists of socks and I felt a deep level of change. But I mean, I did buy one of the top pairents. You tried them? Yes, I love new socks. By the way, give me to yourself at any point, some new socks. 01:00:16 Speaker 4: My sister signed me up for some sock club for a year. I'm still wearing them. I feel great in every pair new socks. 01:00:22 Speaker 3: One of the best feelings you can experience. So I do. I'm hesitant to tell him to just fully give into this new culture we have of ratings and lists of best every thing. Sure, but I understand where you're coming from. 01:00:36 Speaker 4: Let's just like move a little bit away from the impulse, right, Let's just think of something. And I think a good gift is something that's maybe not that exciting, but it's like a high quality version of something that the person wouldn't buy themselves, that's exact. Maybe it's just a sut that she finds too expensive, that's right. Or it's an experience at eleven dollars, t shirt probably ten dollars. But an experience is another thing most people won't buy for themselves. 01:01:04 Speaker 3: That's exactly right. And even if it's not something they would want to do, it's a new thing, a memory. You're buying them. So maybe look into that, Jordan. Experiences are good. And I've read or I dreamt again, I can tell if I read or articles anymore, if they just kind of appear in my head as as you know, sort of a remnants of a vision of a past. That's exactly right. But that people don't that experiences are a much more valuable thing to have than an object. Yes, yes, you have an object. It will lose its meaning very quickly. An experience, it's a memory. You'll have an experience with someone, it'll create. It sort of shifts who you are as a person. 01:01:42 Speaker 4: Eisolutely Yeah, fully agreed, Jordan, look into some experiences. Maybe a whitewater rafting trip. 01:01:49 Speaker 3: Take your wife to Arkansas. She'll be shocked. Is Arkansas? How much of a drive from Denton. That's the car you're looking at. I'd say fifteen to twenty hour drive. Take the twenty hour drive to Arkansas. Just tell her, tell her you're going out to eat, and then. 01:02:04 Speaker 4: Suddenly you're on an extremely long trip to a state that you have no interest in, and you don't. 01:02:09 Speaker 3: Pull over for five hours. You're going to remember it by the time, she says, by the time you finally pull over, it's too late to turn back. Well into divorce proceedings. 01:02:19 Speaker 4: Yes, okay, moving on, Hello Bridger, and I assume, guest, they're probably talking about you. 01:02:25 Speaker 3: I would assume. 01:02:27 Speaker 4: I'd love recommendations forgive for gifts for gardeners. Any insights into upcoming upcoming gardening trends would also be great. Thanks in advance, Elizabeth in Cornwall, we've got an international audience and where Cornwall, England. 01:02:43 Speaker 3: Oh okay, I actually have a great gift for a gardener. 01:02:46 Speaker 4: I mean this feels I hope it's good because I feel like Cornwall. I mean, the English are all about a garden. 01:02:52 Speaker 3: They love a garden. It's the garden country. That's kind of their main thing is roses taking over countries and training a bunch of beautiful gardens and God bless them for doing it. Well, what are you thinking, then, my girlfriend Hillary, we recently moved to a place and there's a garden. There's a couple of garden plots there. Sure she's begun gardening. My mom, Peggy, who will will for everybody on the pod knows. Yes, Peggy, she sent for my girlfriend's birthday a box of gardening stuff. Okay, in that box, what I thought to be the most useful thing was a cushy pad that I believe you can buy. Oh, I see where this is headed. And so when you kneel down, you have a pad for your knees. Your knees, Margo, which I think Margo, or well, she's got the leaf blow er. She's not getting on her knees well, and you gave her surgery, so maybe she's brand new knees. That's true, Peggy does. By the way, both of her knees mechanical or whatever. They're both replaced. 01:03:45 Speaker 4: Peggy, if you're listening, I'm thrilled about your knees. 01:03:48 Speaker 3: Yes, this pad, I think it's a great gardening gift because and I never would have thought of it, but you can save your jeans. You're not. Maybe then you're not messing up your jeans. 01:03:57 Speaker 4: You're putting on your good jeanstick garden, Well, you want looks typ that's true. You don't want to be shamed in front of other gardeners. 01:04:05 Speaker 3: So that's my That's a gardening gift that I can recommend. 01:04:07 Speaker 4: That's a This is what I'm going to say, as someone who has killed every plant that's come into his apartment. Yes, I say, get your gardening friend or whoever. It is a high risk plant, something that they would never buy. Yes, that could very well die. But it's a gamble for them because what if it doesn't die, They've got a plant that they never would have bought themselves. 01:04:29 Speaker 3: But I would argue that you're giving them just distressful something that they're You're giving them something that they're going to witness die in front of them slowly over a long period. 01:04:38 Speaker 4: You're looking at this in the wrong way. I think you're saying. You're saying to the person you're up for the challenge, and your garden is ready to be new. You're in England, everything survives, that's true. I mean, if you're you know, in southern California, in a north facing apartment. 01:04:54 Speaker 3: That's right. Just prepare for it to die and enjoy it while it's I have been over to Bridges' apartment, but isn't there's one that's hung on right. Look. 01:05:03 Speaker 4: I recently found a plant that I think it was designed to be in malls. Yes, that lives with truly no care, no water, no light. I can't remember what it's called. I would love to be able to recommend it to people, but I think it's very good looking. And I also recently bought two rosemary bushes. It was at home depot the other night. 01:05:22 Speaker 3: Rose mary bushes. Rosemary bushes. They smell beautiful. You put these inside? No, these are outside. 01:05:28 Speaker 4: These are out on my whatever the thing is hanging on the outside of my apartment trellis. 01:05:35 Speaker 3: No, it's a patio or what do you call that? A balcony? Remind me what a trellis is. Trellis is like a fence. Yes, it's like a thing for plants to grow on. Cut that out, don't. I don't want the listeners to know that I didn't know what a trail is. That is about to be canceled for not knowing what a trellis is. I promised myself by the end of this podcast, you would be canceled, And yes, I said, and cancel him. Okay, next up, dear Bridger, I have to get a gift for my brother in law. He hates and now this. 01:06:07 Speaker 4: Person put things in quotes. He hates things. And one time when I got him a book about World War One, he wasn't as excited as I thought he'd be. Michelle in Los Angeles. 01:06:17 Speaker 3: That's all the information we have. 01:06:19 Speaker 4: Yeah, this guy, so he doesn't like it, even like material objects. 01:06:23 Speaker 3: Is that what's happening here? Or is he just a jerk? 01:06:26 Speaker 4: But also I'm just going to say, right up front, Michelle, a World War one book? Good lord, that's a real bummer. 01:06:33 Speaker 3: That's a chore. 01:06:34 Speaker 4: That's giving anybody a book? Is you might as do a risk? Oh yeah, you're giving them an assignment. 01:06:39 Speaker 3: Yeah, and you have to. It's happened to me before. I found myself reading books that somebody gave me, and I resented them for it. Of course I've also enjoyed it. Just it's a high risk. You have to know everything about the person. To me, I mean not to short change in Michelle, but we've already talked about this. Give him an experience. He doesn't like things. 01:06:58 Speaker 4: White water around that's experience kind of experience most people like. To Arkansas, which from Los Angeles is maybe maybe you throw them in the trunk of your car. Okay, take them white water rafting. That's two experiences in one. 01:07:18 Speaker 3: White water halfway to Arkansas. Well, the first experience is being kidnapped in a truck. 01:07:23 Speaker 4: Of course, the second one that we've all wanted to enjoy, Michelle, give them an experience. Don't please stop giving people World War One books. That's all I can ask. If you gave me one of those, I would go through the burn it in front of you. I would absolutely I would tear each page out. 01:07:42 Speaker 3: And drop it into a fire. Okay, final question. I think we've been very helpful here and hopefully we've knock some sense into these idiots. Bridger. 01:07:52 Speaker 4: And they didn't mention you, but I assume they also want advice from you. I need to get a gift for my sister, who was almost fifteen years younger than me. Okay, what do girls her age want? Well, first of all, well, this is from Craig and Layton. Okay, Layton, Utah, Okay, Craig. We don't know how old you are, Craig, what are you A? I think it's safe to assume you're any age. He's listening to a podcast. Yes he's okay, I'm gonna guess he's not in his sixties. He's not in his sixties. Let's say let's ballpark it thirty eight, thirty eight. Now, let's say thirty. Let's say a cool thirty so we can talk about what tween not teens like. So his parents made a mistake fifteen years after that feels like a huge gap. That's a That person is almost not your sibling. 01:08:47 Speaker 3: That's a new spouse or just a whoopsie baby. 01:08:51 Speaker 4: I would look at that person as like a like a is it a cousin? 01:08:56 Speaker 3: That's a cousin. 01:08:57 Speaker 4: I think there should be like a legal thing if somebody's that far apart from you as a sibbing technic cousin. I think so because they've been raising a whole new This is a fifteen year old, fifteen year old girl who has a brother who doesn't provide a lot of information. So that's what sort of gift does she want? Does she want an experience? Does she want a twenty hour car ride with her fifteen year old I mean, are fifteen years old? What do teen girls like these days? 01:09:27 Speaker 3: Well, I recently, I have a friend who has a daughter around this age, and I had a chance to speak with her. And I often when I'm speaking to a person of this age, I'm just quizzing them. I want to learn, show me a peek into whatever's happened. What are you thinking about that? I'm lost. First of all, she was an egomaniac. Didn't ask me a single question about myself. Well that's a teenager. Yeah, yes, so, and I'm by far the more interesting person in the conversation. Course, she had so much to offer her, and she didn't want to hear any of it. She told she likes SoundCloud. 01:10:00 Speaker 4: SoundCloud, okay, not a gift. I guess you can subscribe to it or something. 01:10:05 Speaker 3: Yeah, it might. I actually think SoundCloud is free. So maybe a concert Okay, actually, experience concert isn't a bad gift. It's a little bit of a risk because kind of an assignment, you need a little you need to know, you need to do some research on who she's into. Yes, but getting her depending on how much you want to spend like if it was let's say she's into Billie Eilish. Okay, these days, I'm sure Billie Eilish tickets are going for a lot of money. That's at least one hundred dollars. That's at least hundred dollars. So that's not a bad gift to get her because it's something that she might not do herself, but she'll certainly. 01:10:35 Speaker 4: Is she going to end up on drugs at the Billie Eilish concert? Listen, you feel like that's Billy's brand. 01:10:41 Speaker 3: I think that's just what's happening, whether she's at a Billie Eilish concert or not. I think this fifteen year old girl is doing drugs. She's probably on hard drugs. I'd recommend maybe she needs help, So maybe Billie Eilish concert or rehab. Okay, so maybe or that could be the explore you're saying, Hey, get in the car, we're going to Billy. Billy just kidding to rehab in Arkansas and they do water rafting. Yeah, of course that's I feel like that is a rehab experience. I think so for teens, that's something that would help them get off drugs. Yeah, Okay, well I don't know. I think we've been mostly helpful. Good work here. I me, you're welcome. 01:11:21 Speaker 4: If all else fails, buy a gift card, which I think have been kind of unfairly maligned, and I like getting it. 01:11:29 Speaker 3: I don't mind a gift card at all. 01:11:31 Speaker 4: I value them more than money. 01:11:33 Speaker 3: I'm not kidding. 01:11:34 Speaker 4: You'll give you a gift card, It's going to be probably a year before I actually use it because I'm thinking about what I should buy with them, because you have to make it count. 01:11:41 Speaker 3: Yeah. Now, if you get a gift card, let's say you get a twenty five dollars gift card to the Gap, the Gap your favorite. What would you then consider a more expensive T shirt at the Gap? 01:11:53 Speaker 4: I mean I can tell you right now, no, because the Gap makes box A T shirts. Oh I would at the Gap. I would get socks, yes, a belt. 01:12:02 Speaker 3: That's right, a belt maybe like a beanie yes, but they don't think I've ever seen you at a beanie. Well, no one ever will the Gap. 01:12:11 Speaker 4: If again, if you're listening corporations, uh the Gap, you need to narrow the T shirts down a little bit. 01:12:17 Speaker 3: It's a little like who is this for? I know, I don't know. 01:12:22 Speaker 4: It's the old Navy curse of just like this is built for someone who is a rectangle or something. 01:12:27 Speaker 3: And listen, no offense to the people out there who are shaped like rectangles. 01:12:31 Speaker 4: Of course, there's I'm not trying a body shame. There's a literal rectangle. Actually, seek surgery. 01:12:38 Speaker 3: I would just I would counsel you to know that you are loved despite what this maniac across. 01:12:44 Speaker 4: If I ever come across a rectangle shaped person, there's going to be hell to pay. 01:12:49 Speaker 3: I'm going to give him a hug. I don't I'll be able to reach around before you do. Okay, because these rectangle freaks are out there. You are You know who's canceled? Now you come on you, I'll cancel myself, all right, is canceled? Matt Bridge, God bless, God bless. I'm in your T shirt. I'm so cozy, an absolute honor. I forgot that you are wearing the tea. 01:13:15 Speaker 4: Yeah, well, of course I'm doing it very naturally. 01:13:17 Speaker 3: On your first podcast. 01:13:19 Speaker 4: People are thinking about my body in all kinds of ways on this podcast, and that's fine. 01:13:23 Speaker 3: Yeah, well, I think that's the end of the show. I'm honored to be here. 01:13:27 Speaker 4: Bridge, I said no gifts. You brought a gift and we ended up talking about it and so much more. 01:13:33 Speaker 3: This is how life goes all right, Well, I hope you have. 01:13:37 Speaker 4: A nice rest of your washing the dishes. If you've been doing it for an hour and a half, yes, might have lost your mind. 01:13:43 Speaker 3: Put the dishes away right when it's done. You'll feel better about yourself. Okay, I've got to eat dinner. I am very I ate a Blueberr muffin before I came, but it's wear enough. 01:13:51 Speaker 4: I had a taco all right, I said no gifts isn't exactly right production. It's engineered by Earth Angel Stephen Ray Morris. The song is by miracle worker Amy Mann. You can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter. 01:14:05 Speaker 3: At I said no gifts. 01:14:06 Speaker 4: And if you have a question or need help getting a gift for someone in your life, email me at I said no Gifts at gmail dot com. Listen and subscribe on Apple podcast, Stitcher or wherever you found me. And why not leave a review while you're at it? 01:14:24 Speaker 1: Hello? And why did you hear? Gonta made myself perfectly clear, But you're a guest to me. You gotta come to me empty and. 01:14:40 Speaker 2: I said no guests, your presences, presents, and I already too much stuff. So how do you dare disurbey me?