1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,040 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:30,840 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, Near listeners, old listeners, wherever 6 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:33,680 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:37,880 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode. Today, we're tackling 8 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:40,800 Speaker 1: a topic that I think many of us are struggling 9 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:44,440 Speaker 1: with and maybe wouldn't even know it, and yet it 10 00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:49,159 Speaker 1: really does impact a lot of our relationships in such insidious, 11 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:54,280 Speaker 1: often invisible ways. It is a very deep belief system 12 00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:58,480 Speaker 1: and anxiety that can really disturb our ability to form 13 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:02,560 Speaker 1: meaningful connection, to love deeply, and to trust others. And 14 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:07,679 Speaker 1: that is a fear of abandonment. I think all of 15 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:14,279 Speaker 1: us feel that instinctual drive to avoid emotionally painful experiences 16 00:01:14,319 --> 00:01:19,000 Speaker 1: like being rejected or heartbroken or feeling forgotten about, and 17 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:23,720 Speaker 1: naturally these events, the way people treat us or leave 18 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:27,240 Speaker 1: us is quite devastating and it can leave some very 19 00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:32,440 Speaker 1: long lasting emotional scars. But it's also somewhat part of life, right. 20 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:35,560 Speaker 1: We have to kind of come to peace with the 21 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:39,160 Speaker 1: reality that not every relationship is going to last, that 22 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:42,280 Speaker 1: people are going to leave, people are going to pass away. 23 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:46,440 Speaker 1: So there is no way of controlling how your relationships 24 00:01:46,959 --> 00:01:51,040 Speaker 1: kind of pan out. But we can decide a how 25 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:54,080 Speaker 1: we want to treat ourselves and be how we respond 26 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:58,520 Speaker 1: to these unfortunate kind of events. For some of us, though, 27 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:02,120 Speaker 1: we are so pa petrified of losing the ones we 28 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:08,400 Speaker 1: love or feeling abandoned that we really cannot allow ourselves 29 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:12,160 Speaker 1: to get close to other people. And for many of 30 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:15,040 Speaker 1: us who are experiencing this, we know it only comes 31 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:19,120 Speaker 1: from these experiences that we had in childhood or even 32 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:23,320 Speaker 1: early in our romantic relationships, right when we were eighteen 33 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:27,520 Speaker 1: nineteen dating for the first time, where we developed almost 34 00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:32,560 Speaker 1: an insecurity based on our experiences that everyone that we 35 00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:36,600 Speaker 1: love will leave us. And this feeling can really influence 36 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:41,040 Speaker 1: how we approach not only our romantic connections, particularly the 37 00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:45,200 Speaker 1: people we're dating or even married to, but also our 38 00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:50,600 Speaker 1: interactions with people like friends, like family, like coworkers. There's 39 00:02:50,639 --> 00:02:52,799 Speaker 1: a few ways that this manifest that we're going to 40 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,800 Speaker 1: speak about in this episode. I think if we have 41 00:02:55,919 --> 00:02:59,320 Speaker 1: developed this really intense fear of being abandoned by those 42 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:03,440 Speaker 1: we love, and what the emotional consequences of that would be. 43 00:03:03,919 --> 00:03:09,200 Speaker 1: We can respond by becoming incredibly avoidant or self sabotaging 44 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:14,560 Speaker 1: our relationships, becoming really emotionally numb to the world and 45 00:03:14,639 --> 00:03:20,760 Speaker 1: to opportunities for love and intimacy and connection. But then 46 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:23,440 Speaker 1: on the flip side, a fear of abandonment is also 47 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:28,280 Speaker 1: really closely linked to things like intense people pleasing tendencies 48 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:34,160 Speaker 1: and clinginess and self abandonment, whereby we end up sacrificing 49 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:37,200 Speaker 1: our own needs for others because we think that that 50 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:41,040 Speaker 1: will keep them closer, that this will prevent our worst 51 00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:45,560 Speaker 1: fears from being realized, or confirming this really deep insecurity 52 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:50,000 Speaker 1: that we are correct. People we love cannot be trusted, 53 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:55,320 Speaker 1: We cannot trust them, they will inevitably leave us, and 54 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,520 Speaker 1: we know that that is not true. We know that 55 00:03:57,560 --> 00:03:59,880 Speaker 1: there are so many people out there who stay in 56 00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:02,800 Speaker 1: the people's lives for decades. I feel like everyone has 57 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:05,640 Speaker 1: at least someone like that, whether it is a parent 58 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,920 Speaker 1: or a friend, or a family member or even a partner. 59 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:12,800 Speaker 1: So I really want to break down where this unfortunate, 60 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:17,520 Speaker 1: negative but also false belief system comes from and how 61 00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:20,120 Speaker 1: it's especially relevant for our twenties, because I think it's 62 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:24,120 Speaker 1: often during this decade that we become a lot more 63 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:27,840 Speaker 1: aware of how our past and certain events or in 64 00:04:27,839 --> 00:04:33,360 Speaker 1: some cases trauma, continue to influence us or manifest in 65 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:37,880 Speaker 1: unhealthy relationship patterns, and that doesn't have to be our reality. 66 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:41,240 Speaker 1: Often we engage in a lot of self blame for 67 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:46,359 Speaker 1: what are very deeply ingrained emotional reactions that have emerged 68 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:49,120 Speaker 1: from a lot of things that were beyond our control. 69 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:52,880 Speaker 1: You know, we wonder why we can never let people 70 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:56,080 Speaker 1: get close, or we always feel the need to start 71 00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:59,120 Speaker 1: a fight or sabotage our relationships when they begin to 72 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:02,200 Speaker 1: feel too comfortable. So I really also want to provide 73 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:06,280 Speaker 1: an explanation for why that is. You know, sometimes it's 74 00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:10,040 Speaker 1: really subtle things, or sometimes it's big things like witnessing 75 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:15,080 Speaker 1: a divorce or having BPD early romantic experiences. But also 76 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:18,600 Speaker 1: I think it's important that we acknowledge this anxiety, where 77 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:21,400 Speaker 1: it comes from, and how to integrate it, how to 78 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:23,960 Speaker 1: manage it. It is something that we can all definitely 79 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:26,839 Speaker 1: heal from, So there is so much to discuss. If 80 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:29,800 Speaker 1: you are someone who has been struggling with this and 81 00:05:29,839 --> 00:05:33,279 Speaker 1: you're trying to find a reason why you find it 82 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:37,159 Speaker 1: so hard to trust others and connect with them. Hopefully 83 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:41,800 Speaker 1: this episode provides you with an explanation, with some answers, 84 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,520 Speaker 1: with somewhere to go. So without further ado, let's get 85 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:55,880 Speaker 1: into it. Okay, So, first of all, as we do, 86 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:58,720 Speaker 1: we need to get our basics down pat before we 87 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:01,320 Speaker 1: jump into the theories and ideas that make up a 88 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:05,680 Speaker 1: fear of abandonment. I think typical of psychology terms that 89 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:11,600 Speaker 1: gain very general societal notoriety and popularity. Sometimes the truth 90 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:16,279 Speaker 1: about ideas like a fear of abandonment can become misconstrued 91 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:21,640 Speaker 1: and leading to people becoming also somewhat misinformed or at 92 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:26,320 Speaker 1: times confused or excluded from a definition or from a 93 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:29,680 Speaker 1: narrative around a certain issue. And that's really not ideal 94 00:06:29,839 --> 00:06:32,080 Speaker 1: because I think there are so many of us, especially 95 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:35,240 Speaker 1: in our twenties, as we enter into our first really 96 00:06:35,279 --> 00:06:39,440 Speaker 1: serious long term relationships, or where we start to encounter 97 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:43,040 Speaker 1: things like death for a lot of us, or friendship 98 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:46,279 Speaker 1: groups falling apart. Often what we do is we question 99 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:50,279 Speaker 1: some of our past experiences. We are undergoing this very 100 00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:56,039 Speaker 1: real emotional battle at times between our primary instinct for 101 00:06:56,240 --> 00:07:00,240 Speaker 1: love and security and a much deeper fear of being 102 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:04,599 Speaker 1: hurt or discarded by someone we feel really connected to. 103 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:10,160 Speaker 1: So firstly, it's important to note that a fear of abandonment, 104 00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:14,080 Speaker 1: it's not a recognized mental health condition. You know, your 105 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:17,200 Speaker 1: doctor unfortunately is not going to be able to give 106 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:20,520 Speaker 1: you a diagnosis and a cure and send you on 107 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:24,240 Speaker 1: your way, because it's a lot more nuanced than that. Instead, 108 00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:28,480 Speaker 1: psychology has kind of come to see this as a 109 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:34,080 Speaker 1: type of anxiety in which we feel this overwhelming yet 110 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:39,760 Speaker 1: often unwanted and unwarranted fear that the people we love 111 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:44,679 Speaker 1: will leave us, and so we react in somewhat irrational ways, 112 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:50,320 Speaker 1: perhaps sabotaging our relationships, pulling away so that people don't 113 00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:54,640 Speaker 1: have the chance to hurt us, or feeling a really 114 00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:58,760 Speaker 1: intense need to be close to people at all times, 115 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:04,960 Speaker 1: perhaps sometimes also transforming into codependency. Actually, the thing is 116 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:08,440 Speaker 1: that a fear of abandonment, although it's not a recognized 117 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:12,920 Speaker 1: mental health condition, it's really really closely linked to a 118 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:16,440 Speaker 1: bunch of other concepts that we have discussed on the show, 119 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:21,880 Speaker 1: things like emotional unavailability and hyperindependence, even a social phobia. 120 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:26,840 Speaker 1: But it differs in that it's primary function on an 121 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:31,400 Speaker 1: emotional level. The primary function of this fear of abandonment 122 00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:37,120 Speaker 1: is to help us avoid the pain of being rejected, dismissed, 123 00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:41,200 Speaker 1: or let down. And it's not so much a fear 124 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:45,440 Speaker 1: of general social interaction or even intimacy, but a fear 125 00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:49,600 Speaker 1: of what will happen when these things we deeply value 126 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:53,960 Speaker 1: are taken away, What is going to occur in their absence. 127 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:58,439 Speaker 1: Another distinction is that this fear of abandonment it shows 128 00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:02,360 Speaker 1: up in all of our relations, not just our romantic ones. 129 00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:06,520 Speaker 1: I think we typically think about abandonment issues when it 130 00:09:06,559 --> 00:09:10,080 Speaker 1: comes to dating, but people will experience this type of 131 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:14,800 Speaker 1: anxiety and worry for their friendships as well. They'll worry 132 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:18,200 Speaker 1: that their friends will leave them, they worry about what 133 00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:20,640 Speaker 1: will happen if their family members, something happens to their 134 00:09:20,679 --> 00:09:24,959 Speaker 1: family members or even co workers or acquaintances, or being 135 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:30,320 Speaker 1: rejected or abandoned by entire social circles, which we know 136 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:34,680 Speaker 1: is quite irrational. But I would say the reason that 137 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:37,400 Speaker 1: we think about it a lot in terms of romantic 138 00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:41,520 Speaker 1: connections is because for many of us, these fears of 139 00:09:41,559 --> 00:09:46,280 Speaker 1: being abandoned aren't really fully realized until we enter into 140 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:51,280 Speaker 1: our first or second romantic relationship. That's because I think, 141 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:57,760 Speaker 1: unlike friendships or family, romantic relationships really take on this 142 00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:04,079 Speaker 1: whole new level of of emotional closeness and expected intimacy 143 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:08,640 Speaker 1: and vulnerability. The stakes are a lot higher. The risk 144 00:10:08,679 --> 00:10:12,360 Speaker 1: of being hurt really increases with each kind of moment 145 00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:16,280 Speaker 1: and memory where you get closer. Typically also because we 146 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:18,480 Speaker 1: often have more than one friend or more than one 147 00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:22,240 Speaker 1: family member, but we only have one partner, and we 148 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:27,200 Speaker 1: are often naturally incredibly bonded to the people who fill 149 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:30,000 Speaker 1: this role in our life. And so I think everyone 150 00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:35,120 Speaker 1: is going to experience this fear on some level that 151 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:39,000 Speaker 1: one day they may find this person they love drifting 152 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:42,360 Speaker 1: away or outright, you know, leaving them having to mend 153 00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:46,040 Speaker 1: a broken heart. And as humans, like I mentioned before, 154 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:51,040 Speaker 1: one of our primary instinctual drives is to avoid pain, 155 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:54,720 Speaker 1: and often we think of that selectively to just mean 156 00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:59,640 Speaker 1: physical pain or injury. But we know from countless countless 157 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:05,040 Speaker 1: study is that certain emotional experiences can also manifest in 158 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:08,600 Speaker 1: the body. And it's a concept known as psychogenic pain, 159 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:13,280 Speaker 1: whereby when we are exposed to psychological distress or emotional 160 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:20,040 Speaker 1: distress that can actually manifest in very real physical discomfort 161 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:24,080 Speaker 1: and suffering. So I think that reason is why a 162 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:28,000 Speaker 1: lot of us do relate to having a heightened anxiety 163 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:31,960 Speaker 1: over the possibility of being abandoned or left by someone. 164 00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:34,600 Speaker 1: And I think if you don't have that anxiety at times, 165 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:37,600 Speaker 1: if you're someone who you know kind of approaches your 166 00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:40,839 Speaker 1: relationships like everyone is replaceable, no one can ever hurt me, 167 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:45,720 Speaker 1: that is equally as unhealthy. I also want to say 168 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:48,720 Speaker 1: that this reaction, especially when it gets to a really 169 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:53,439 Speaker 1: intense fear of abandonment, it is neither intentional, nor is 170 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:57,640 Speaker 1: it voluntary. It is not an opt in situation. No 171 00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:01,959 Speaker 1: one is looking to experience. It's more anxiety than they 172 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:07,719 Speaker 1: already are. But also it almost consistently emerges from situations 173 00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:11,520 Speaker 1: that are outside of our control, that have influenced us 174 00:12:11,559 --> 00:12:16,760 Speaker 1: on a somewhat unconscious level, and then begin to manifest 175 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:20,800 Speaker 1: in certain behaviors and tendencies that really interrupt our ability 176 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:24,920 Speaker 1: to connect people with abandonment issues, fears, whatever we want 177 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:27,480 Speaker 1: to call them, They're not going to experience that in 178 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,480 Speaker 1: the same way. It's not always going to be identical. 179 00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:34,400 Speaker 1: So there are actually four different types of profiles or 180 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:39,400 Speaker 1: archetypes of people who are experiencing abandonment wounds, or who 181 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:43,680 Speaker 1: are fearful of abandonment. So there's the saboteur, the needy, 182 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:47,800 Speaker 1: the avoidance, and the serial data. And sometimes all of 183 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,679 Speaker 1: these can operate within one person, but let's break them 184 00:12:50,679 --> 00:12:54,559 Speaker 1: down one by one. So the saboteur is someone who 185 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:59,280 Speaker 1: undermines their own relationships to try and identify faults and 186 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:03,600 Speaker 1: push people away before they get hurt. Often when that happens, 187 00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:07,000 Speaker 1: they'll blame the other person. They'll blame their friends or 188 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:10,360 Speaker 1: their string of partners. They'll say that they're toxic or problematic, 189 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:15,400 Speaker 1: rather than really closely examining what this pattern of behavior 190 00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:19,640 Speaker 1: says about their own emotional wounds. Right that they're actually 191 00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:25,960 Speaker 1: sabotaging these relationships, perhaps subconsciously, because that way these people 192 00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:28,880 Speaker 1: can never leave them if they leave first. So the 193 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,000 Speaker 1: next is the needy or the clingy, and this is 194 00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:33,920 Speaker 1: someone who often displays behavior that is very similar to 195 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:38,360 Speaker 1: someone in the early stages of codependency. Right, so getting 196 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:43,240 Speaker 1: close to someone incredibly quickly, perhaps sharing too many intimate 197 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:47,440 Speaker 1: details about themselves too soon, or really wanting to reach 198 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:52,440 Speaker 1: certain milestones like exclusivity or applying labels really early on. 199 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:55,679 Speaker 1: And they do this in hopes of kind of fast 200 00:13:55,679 --> 00:13:59,280 Speaker 1: tracking a relationship to provide them with the sense of 201 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:03,319 Speaker 1: security before they truly do actually start to trust this person. 202 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:07,000 Speaker 1: It's kind of like the false pretense of okay, well, 203 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,840 Speaker 1: if we have this label, if they have reassured me 204 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:12,319 Speaker 1: that we're exclusive, if they're not sleeping with other people, 205 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:16,160 Speaker 1: they're not going to leave me. And this will provide 206 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:18,760 Speaker 1: me kind of with the structure in which I can 207 00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:22,400 Speaker 1: actually start to build a relationship with this person after 208 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:25,000 Speaker 1: they've already provided me the reassurance that we are in 209 00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:27,840 Speaker 1: that point. The next is the avoidant, and the avoidant 210 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:33,680 Speaker 1: will almost abstain, particularly from intimate, vulnerable relationships, or close 211 00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:38,240 Speaker 1: friendships entirely. They may pull away from family members or 212 00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:41,880 Speaker 1: certain social circles because they are so fearful of being 213 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:45,520 Speaker 1: hurt or disappointed. If they pull away first, much like 214 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:50,119 Speaker 1: the saboteur, then they will have the power and agency. 215 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:53,880 Speaker 1: That's kind of what they're telling themselves. Basically, they're saying, 216 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:56,640 Speaker 1: what you know, very similar to the saboteur, I cannot 217 00:14:56,640 --> 00:15:00,520 Speaker 1: be abandoned if I make the decision first. So therefore, 218 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:02,680 Speaker 1: although it's going to leave me in the same position 219 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:06,080 Speaker 1: of not having these people around or feeling lonely. At 220 00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,840 Speaker 1: least I'm in control here. At least I'm not going 221 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:15,240 Speaker 1: to be surprised. And finally we have the serial data. 222 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:19,640 Speaker 1: Also similar to the saboteur, this person will cycle through 223 00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:25,800 Speaker 1: relationships friendships quite quickly, but they'll find themselves not really 224 00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:30,440 Speaker 1: getting attached in the same way that the saboteur does. Instead, 225 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:34,440 Speaker 1: what they're really choosing to do is soothe their abandonment 226 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:38,880 Speaker 1: wound with new people, right, so they might fall in 227 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:43,080 Speaker 1: love pretty quickly. The relationship ends, perhaps because of sabotage, 228 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:47,560 Speaker 1: perhaps because of something else, and instead of really acknowledging 229 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:51,280 Speaker 1: that that really hurts, instead of acknowledging that perhaps this 230 00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:56,800 Speaker 1: is really unfortunate and really deeply painful, they will find 231 00:15:56,800 --> 00:16:02,120 Speaker 1: someone else to heal them rather than really acknowledging why 232 00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:05,800 Speaker 1: they find this so particularly distressing. So I would say 233 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:08,080 Speaker 1: that something that's really important is that none of these 234 00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:13,240 Speaker 1: types of individuals associated with abandonment issues are bad people. 235 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:16,600 Speaker 1: It's really important to remember that there should be really 236 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:21,160 Speaker 1: no shame in admitting that perhaps you have historically approach 237 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:24,640 Speaker 1: relationships like this, or that this is how you continue 238 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:29,080 Speaker 1: to approach relationships. Because I would say A, so much 239 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,920 Speaker 1: of why you are this person is out of our control, 240 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:35,040 Speaker 1: which we'll discuss in a second. But B I think 241 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:38,640 Speaker 1: if you're afraid to correctly identify ways in which your 242 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:43,680 Speaker 1: actions are perhaps maladaptive, you'll actually just prolong these experiences 243 00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:47,160 Speaker 1: and it's not going to lead to any changes. Outside 244 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:49,680 Speaker 1: of these very high level archetypes, there are some other 245 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,640 Speaker 1: core behaviors that I just want to quickly dive into 246 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:56,560 Speaker 1: a little bit deeper. So we spoke about cycling through relationships. 247 00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:59,720 Speaker 1: Some of us who are facing a fear of abandonment 248 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:05,920 Speaker 1: may want to engage in numerous, consistent, shallow relationships. We're 249 00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:10,560 Speaker 1: afraid to ever let someone truly see the ugly, vulnerable, 250 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,760 Speaker 1: scared side of us, so we protect this part of us. 251 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:17,760 Speaker 1: We never let anyone see that, because if they do 252 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:20,920 Speaker 1: leave us, we can always comfort ourselves with the knowledge 253 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:24,080 Speaker 1: that this person really never really knew us that deeply. 254 00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:27,720 Speaker 1: So that is very similar to a fear of intimacy. 255 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:32,679 Speaker 1: And often the reason we cycle through relationships, particularly shallow ones, 256 00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:35,520 Speaker 1: is because we find a reason to leave them before 257 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:40,640 Speaker 1: the other person can leave us. We talked about sabotaging relationships, 258 00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:45,320 Speaker 1: but there's this other interesting term called emotional baiting. So 259 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:50,080 Speaker 1: this is where we attempt to create situations that elicit 260 00:17:50,119 --> 00:17:54,359 Speaker 1: a particular emotional reaction from a partner, either positive or negative. So, 261 00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:58,560 Speaker 1: in psychology, emotional baiting is actually used to describe certain 262 00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:03,800 Speaker 1: narcissistic tendencies that are inherently very manipulative and attention seeking. 263 00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:07,040 Speaker 1: But in this case that is not accurate, right, That 264 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:09,840 Speaker 1: is not why people are beating their partners or beating 265 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:14,000 Speaker 1: someone in their life. This behavior actually represents something a 266 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,879 Speaker 1: lot more vulnerable. It reveals a part of us that 267 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:20,560 Speaker 1: really needs love. So what we're doing when we emotionally 268 00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:23,920 Speaker 1: bait people in our lives, you know, by starting fights, 269 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:27,960 Speaker 1: by withdrawing, by saying things we don't mean, is we're 270 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,880 Speaker 1: really testing them to see if they will leave us. 271 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:34,639 Speaker 1: So for people with the fear of abandonment, this is 272 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:40,080 Speaker 1: a slightly counterintuitive way of building trust. It's interesting because 273 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:44,400 Speaker 1: in these moments, we're not trying to endanger our relationship, right, 274 00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:47,800 Speaker 1: It's not all about self sabotage. In fact, I think 275 00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:51,719 Speaker 1: these behaviors are almost a sign of how much we 276 00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:55,680 Speaker 1: want these relationships to last. Hence why we're really subconsciously 277 00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:59,000 Speaker 1: testing them to see if the other person is genuine 278 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,000 Speaker 1: and if they will stay, and if what they're saying 279 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:06,520 Speaker 1: is true. We really want to entrench ourselves further and 280 00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:10,560 Speaker 1: feel that deeper level of vulnerability and intimacy. But before 281 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:13,120 Speaker 1: we can do that, we need to be like one 282 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:17,480 Speaker 1: hundred percent short that this is not going to end badly, 283 00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:21,000 Speaker 1: that this person is not going to withdraw from us. 284 00:19:21,359 --> 00:19:24,280 Speaker 1: So we kind of become our worst selves to test them, 285 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:27,960 Speaker 1: to really push them and then closely watch their response. 286 00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:32,840 Speaker 1: The next thing is clinging to unhealthy relationships. Some people 287 00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:36,440 Speaker 1: with abandonment issues, there's been research to show that they 288 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:40,600 Speaker 1: might stay in relationships that aren't good for them even 289 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,240 Speaker 1: when they have a desire to leave. I think that's 290 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:46,600 Speaker 1: because the fear of being alone is a lot more powerful, 291 00:19:47,359 --> 00:19:51,480 Speaker 1: and they often perceive it to be safer to pursue 292 00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:54,639 Speaker 1: someone who cannot provide them the emotional connection that they need, 293 00:19:55,119 --> 00:19:57,679 Speaker 1: because instinctually they know that they'll never get too close. 294 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,560 Speaker 1: I would say that this is actually really it's kind 295 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:03,159 Speaker 1: of a way that our brain, or our fear of 296 00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:06,960 Speaker 1: abandonment tricks us because we know, based on principles of 297 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,720 Speaker 1: attachment and familiarity and proximity. That the more time we 298 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,800 Speaker 1: spend with someone, even if we are trying our hardest, 299 00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:17,760 Speaker 1: the more bonded we will become. So it's actually quite dangerous, 300 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:20,680 Speaker 1: I think, to pursue relationships with people you think won't 301 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:24,760 Speaker 1: hurt you in order to protect yourself, because that might 302 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:30,760 Speaker 1: actually really backfire and further entrench your fear around abandonment. Finally, 303 00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:35,240 Speaker 1: we have needing constant reassurance. This is what I've experienced 304 00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:38,239 Speaker 1: a lot, especially in my current relationship who and you know, 305 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:42,160 Speaker 1: my partner is incredible, he is beautiful. But no matter 306 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:46,000 Speaker 1: how much I think love and attention you give someone, 307 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:49,280 Speaker 1: especially someone who's maybe had past experiences where they've been 308 00:20:49,359 --> 00:20:52,600 Speaker 1: let down, you kind of always have this fear that 309 00:20:53,119 --> 00:20:55,760 Speaker 1: they're lying to you or that they're going to change 310 00:20:55,760 --> 00:21:00,760 Speaker 1: their mind. So you really consistently regularly require them to 311 00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:04,320 Speaker 1: confirm and reassure you that they're not going anywhere, that yes, 312 00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:07,359 Speaker 1: they still love you, No, they're not annoyed, they're not 313 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,080 Speaker 1: mad at you, they're not going to leave you. It 314 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:12,360 Speaker 1: kind of also can sometimes result in what we call 315 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:16,639 Speaker 1: fawning behavior, right, So that's also really closely related to 316 00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:20,400 Speaker 1: people pleasing tendencies where when we fawn. When we try 317 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,879 Speaker 1: and please someone, what we're doing is constantly trying to 318 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:27,680 Speaker 1: make this person happy, sometimes at our own expense, by 319 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:33,440 Speaker 1: being really excessively generous, affectionate, or passive or agreeable as 320 00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:36,120 Speaker 1: do not give them a reason to leave us, and 321 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:39,960 Speaker 1: that can often result in us actually neglecting our own 322 00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:43,480 Speaker 1: needs or becoming really hyper sensitive to things like conflict 323 00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:48,240 Speaker 1: or criticisms, small disagreements that are really natural in any relationship, 324 00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:50,960 Speaker 1: but we see them as a thread because they undermine 325 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:54,600 Speaker 1: our sense of security. Small things like that if you 326 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:58,960 Speaker 1: are someone who has previously been in relationships where people 327 00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:03,040 Speaker 1: have given a taken love very inconsistently, or you've been 328 00:22:03,119 --> 00:22:07,159 Speaker 1: raised with very inconsistent parents, small things like arguments, like 329 00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:11,440 Speaker 1: little disagreements, they trigger an alarm in our brain, one 330 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:14,359 Speaker 1: that has a very low threshold, because we have become 331 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:18,879 Speaker 1: hypervigilant towards anything that may indicate that the other person 332 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:21,440 Speaker 1: has a reason to disappear. That is why we need 333 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,480 Speaker 1: that reassurance. That is why we may become quite passive, 334 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:27,680 Speaker 1: because we want to keep the peace. We really want 335 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:31,160 Speaker 1: to make sure that they have no reason to need 336 00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:34,600 Speaker 1: to walk away, and if they do that would be 337 00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:37,560 Speaker 1: our fault. One thing that's really interesting to me is 338 00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:41,399 Speaker 1: how some of these behaviors that are very deeply associated 339 00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:45,639 Speaker 1: with a fear of abandonment have become kind of romanticized 340 00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:50,600 Speaker 1: in society, especially around pop culture and places like TikTok 341 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:54,840 Speaker 1: or Instagram. Particularly. What we're seeing is this like idealization 342 00:22:55,240 --> 00:23:00,920 Speaker 1: of a very avoidant, detached approach to romantic connection. So 343 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:04,879 Speaker 1: trends around being heartless or how to stay detached and 344 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,200 Speaker 1: cold in the early stages of relationship, how to get 345 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:12,159 Speaker 1: people obsessed with you, to appear emotionless and untouchable, you know. 346 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:16,000 Speaker 1: The heartless one in particular, really really worries me because 347 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:19,159 Speaker 1: when we examine that deeper, I don't actually think that 348 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:23,280 Speaker 1: having no emotion towards people at all is a particularly 349 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:26,640 Speaker 1: healthy thing. It also, in some ways is very thinly 350 00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:30,960 Speaker 1: veiled abandonment issues. I think that if you've been through 351 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:35,040 Speaker 1: an experience where you've been left really like absolutely demolished 352 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:40,120 Speaker 1: and heartbroken or just so hurt and betrayed by someone, 353 00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:43,439 Speaker 1: we kind of go the complete opposite way, and we 354 00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:47,000 Speaker 1: like to appear emotionless or in some ways convince ourselves 355 00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:50,320 Speaker 1: that this is a person we can be when really 356 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:54,040 Speaker 1: what it is manifesting is our fear of abandonment. Subconsciously, 357 00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:57,280 Speaker 1: our minds want to avoid another situation like that, so 358 00:23:57,320 --> 00:24:00,880 Speaker 1: they take the experience and they reverse all the behaviors 359 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:04,520 Speaker 1: that perhaps put you in that previous situation, so that 360 00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:06,760 Speaker 1: you act differently, and sometimes you act in a way 361 00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:10,720 Speaker 1: that's really counter to your desires or even your overwell 362 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:13,879 Speaker 1: well being. This really links to where a fear of 363 00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:16,959 Speaker 1: abandonment comes from, which is what I want to discuss next. 364 00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:21,800 Speaker 1: So generally psychologists attribute a fear of abandonment to the 365 00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:26,679 Speaker 1: experiences and beliefs that we have internalized as children. So 366 00:24:27,119 --> 00:24:30,480 Speaker 1: as a child, if you are denied really basic fundamental 367 00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:35,920 Speaker 1: comforts like physical affection, emotional connection, and safety, we learn 368 00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:38,760 Speaker 1: not to trust the permanence of these things in adulthood, 369 00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:41,960 Speaker 1: and what that results in is a very dysfunctional and 370 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:45,920 Speaker 1: insecure attachment style. In this case, often it's an avoidant 371 00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:50,760 Speaker 1: or anxious attachment style. We're worried people will withdraw their love, 372 00:24:51,119 --> 00:24:56,000 Speaker 1: so we become extremely stressed and panicked either drawing them 373 00:24:56,119 --> 00:24:59,840 Speaker 1: in and really wanting to hold onto them or completely 374 00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:04,520 Speaker 1: removing ourselves. First traumatic events in childhood as well can 375 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:09,280 Speaker 1: really disrupt this sense that our relationships with people will 376 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:12,480 Speaker 1: be sustained even if there's distance. That is something that 377 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:16,200 Speaker 1: a child has to learn. It's called object constancy. Basically, 378 00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:18,640 Speaker 1: what that means is that even if your parent leaves 379 00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:21,280 Speaker 1: you at daycare or leaves you at school for the afternoon, 380 00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:23,639 Speaker 1: they are a going to come back and be the 381 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:26,040 Speaker 1: relationship is going to be the same. But you know, 382 00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:29,879 Speaker 1: events like a divorce or injury, or the death of 383 00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:33,520 Speaker 1: a parent or a caregiver, they're really significant and they 384 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:38,080 Speaker 1: really disrupt the development of this really fundamental cognition. So 385 00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:42,560 Speaker 1: although we know that this person didn't intentionally leave us 386 00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:46,639 Speaker 1: or mean to hurt us, we still really feel the 387 00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:50,320 Speaker 1: intensity of their absence, and we rationalize that if we'd 388 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:52,600 Speaker 1: just been a lot less closer to them, if we 389 00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:55,800 Speaker 1: had loved them less, we would be in less pain. 390 00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:59,480 Speaker 1: And so the logic follows that to avoid future pain, 391 00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:03,720 Speaker 1: avoid future connection. So that's one of the origins because 392 00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:08,000 Speaker 1: as we know, healthy human development really requires those physical 393 00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:12,120 Speaker 1: and emotional needs being met, and during childhood that often 394 00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:15,720 Speaker 1: comes from our parents, but during adulthood it can come 395 00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:20,000 Speaker 1: from a broader range of personal and romantic relationships. I 396 00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:22,080 Speaker 1: say this all the time, but something that I think 397 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:26,520 Speaker 1: psychology as a field really needs to investigate more is 398 00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:30,600 Speaker 1: the impact of early romantic experiences on later romantic and 399 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:35,040 Speaker 1: emotional wellbeing and also dating specifically, how do we go 400 00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:38,200 Speaker 1: on to form healthy relationships and seek out the right 401 00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:41,479 Speaker 1: people based on what we were kind of taught that 402 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:45,240 Speaker 1: love was. I think often the research and attachment style 403 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:49,240 Speaker 1: really only goes one way. But I also think that 404 00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:52,359 Speaker 1: it's really important to acknowledge that, you know, although maybe 405 00:26:52,359 --> 00:26:55,840 Speaker 1: your first relationship was when you were young, maybe seventeen eighteen, 406 00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:59,159 Speaker 1: even younger, that's still going to have a really, really 407 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:03,719 Speaker 1: foundational impact. That is because, as these cognitive scientists at 408 00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:09,360 Speaker 1: MIT have explained, we experience peak mental processing and memory 409 00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:13,719 Speaker 1: power at around eighteen to nineteen, and that kind of 410 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:16,240 Speaker 1: tapers off the older we get, but it is around 411 00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:18,399 Speaker 1: that time I'm going to say, like a bracket of 412 00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:22,399 Speaker 1: seventeen to twenty one, that we experience a lot of 413 00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:25,720 Speaker 1: first you know, our first love, our first breakup, our 414 00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:30,160 Speaker 1: first kiss, and that's all occurring during a period where 415 00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:35,720 Speaker 1: we are still developing but also absorbing information and memories 416 00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:39,959 Speaker 1: at a crazy pace. So for some people, a particularly 417 00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:44,240 Speaker 1: painful relationship. Perhaps you dated someone who cheated on you 418 00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:48,520 Speaker 1: or treated you poorly, or lied or left suddenly. That 419 00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:51,159 Speaker 1: is going to be a core experience that makes you 420 00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:55,399 Speaker 1: really fearful of situations that could recreate that pain in 421 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:59,639 Speaker 1: the future. And from that we see abandonment issues being born, 422 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:02,680 Speaker 1: and they're really maintained by that cycle we spoke about 423 00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:09,120 Speaker 1: before of hypervigilance of self sabotage of avoidance. Abandonment issues 424 00:28:09,240 --> 00:28:12,040 Speaker 1: can also stem from a really intense fear of loneliness. 425 00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:18,200 Speaker 1: But also it's quite closely linked to borderline personality disorder. Now, 426 00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:21,400 Speaker 1: this podcast is not a place for self diagnosing mental 427 00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:23,760 Speaker 1: health conditions, so I just want to make that really 428 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:26,720 Speaker 1: really clear. But I think that we cannot talk about 429 00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:31,240 Speaker 1: abandonment issues without talking about BPD because they are so 430 00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:35,080 Speaker 1: closely aligned in a lot of people's minds. So BPD, 431 00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:37,800 Speaker 1: if you haven't heard about it before, it's a mental 432 00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:41,760 Speaker 1: health disorder characterized by a lot of symptoms, mainly really 433 00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:48,240 Speaker 1: chronic challenges with maintaining healthy relationships, feelings of low self worth, impulsivity, 434 00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:53,840 Speaker 1: really volatile moods. This disorder is often really hallmarked by 435 00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:58,320 Speaker 1: a pattern of very unstable personal relationships, and what that 436 00:28:58,440 --> 00:29:01,560 Speaker 1: means is that a fear of abandonment is also often 437 00:29:01,560 --> 00:29:04,360 Speaker 1: a really big part of the lives of those who 438 00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:07,200 Speaker 1: are impacted by BPD. It's also really one of the 439 00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:11,280 Speaker 1: most common symptoms that we will see. There's really no 440 00:29:11,560 --> 00:29:14,440 Speaker 1: kind of solid explanation that can be given as to 441 00:29:14,480 --> 00:29:18,040 Speaker 1: why this is, but according to a number of psychologists 442 00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:22,760 Speaker 1: and psychiatrists, the fear of being abandoned often causes people 443 00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:29,000 Speaker 1: with BPD to form unhealthy attachments. Sometimes they can abruptly 444 00:29:29,040 --> 00:29:32,960 Speaker 1: cut off these relationships, effectively abandoning their partners, and other 445 00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:37,680 Speaker 1: times they make really frantic attempts to hold onto the relationship. 446 00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:41,160 Speaker 1: And it's this overly, I think it's quite intense or 447 00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:44,880 Speaker 1: erratic behavior that is what causes them to push loved 448 00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:48,480 Speaker 1: ones away, makes it harder to have those stable relationships 449 00:29:48,720 --> 00:29:51,520 Speaker 1: like we talked about, but also heightens that fear around 450 00:29:51,560 --> 00:29:55,280 Speaker 1: abandonment because there is a cycle of perhaps very difficult 451 00:29:55,360 --> 00:30:02,040 Speaker 1: interpersonal connections, interactions and experiences. Everyone with abandonment issues, though, 452 00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:06,320 Speaker 1: has BPD. Let's really make sure that's quite clear. BPD 453 00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:09,600 Speaker 1: is a separate condition that just has some overlap with 454 00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:13,200 Speaker 1: this unique type of anxiety, and like we said, before 455 00:30:14,200 --> 00:30:17,400 Speaker 1: fearing abandonment. It's going to show up very differently. It's 456 00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:20,280 Speaker 1: going to come from very different experiences. But what I 457 00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:22,160 Speaker 1: want to talk about is what is kind of the 458 00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:26,840 Speaker 1: long term prognosis here, and how can we push past 459 00:30:26,880 --> 00:30:31,800 Speaker 1: our fear of being rejected or disappointed or abandoned. How 460 00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:34,200 Speaker 1: can we kind of break out of our self sabotaging 461 00:30:34,240 --> 00:30:38,040 Speaker 1: patterns or our avoidant behaviors to really trust and to 462 00:30:38,120 --> 00:30:41,040 Speaker 1: really love people. So we're going to talk about all 463 00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:51,680 Speaker 1: of that and more after this short break. I think 464 00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:53,840 Speaker 1: a lot of us are struggling with this in very 465 00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:57,520 Speaker 1: invisible ways, often because I really don't think we want 466 00:30:57,560 --> 00:31:02,960 Speaker 1: to admit this very vulnerable in security, this really vulnerable 467 00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:05,520 Speaker 1: belief that we don't think anyone will ever stay, or 468 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:08,800 Speaker 1: anyone will ever love us enough to not abandon us. 469 00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:11,120 Speaker 1: I think the reason we don't want to admit that 470 00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:13,680 Speaker 1: is because we think that that says something about us, 471 00:31:14,560 --> 00:31:17,480 Speaker 1: And we also are worried that what if we continue 472 00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:20,479 Speaker 1: to be proven right? What if we admit this to someone, 473 00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:23,200 Speaker 1: maybe a friend or a partner, whoever it may be, 474 00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:27,600 Speaker 1: and they still leave. The thing is something I really 475 00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:30,640 Speaker 1: want to make quite clear. A fear of abandonment has 476 00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:34,040 Speaker 1: nothing to do with your quality and beauty as a 477 00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:36,120 Speaker 1: human or the kind of depth of your soul of 478 00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:39,080 Speaker 1: what you bring to other people. It really has no 479 00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:42,480 Speaker 1: correlation with how people choose to treat you or have 480 00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:46,080 Speaker 1: treated you in the past. Often, I think if we've 481 00:31:46,160 --> 00:31:49,840 Speaker 1: experienced a number of really painful events or instances of 482 00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:52,719 Speaker 1: withdrawal or where someone we thought would love us forever 483 00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:56,760 Speaker 1: has abandoned us, we convince ourselves that we must be 484 00:31:56,840 --> 00:32:00,280 Speaker 1: the common denominator, that there is something that we are 485 00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:03,840 Speaker 1: doing wrong, and that can become like we've explored a 486 00:32:03,840 --> 00:32:07,600 Speaker 1: bit of a self fulfilling prophecy, whereby the behaviors we 487 00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:11,320 Speaker 1: adopt to seemingly protect us, or the ones that we 488 00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:15,200 Speaker 1: use as defense mechanisms, have an opposite effect of actually 489 00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:19,640 Speaker 1: further removing us from situations in which someone could maybe 490 00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:22,400 Speaker 1: prove you wrong. A fear of abandonment in that way 491 00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:25,760 Speaker 1: is so subconscious, and so it's going to continue to 492 00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:29,760 Speaker 1: operate unless we a acknowledge it and be really get 493 00:32:29,800 --> 00:32:33,200 Speaker 1: to the root cause or address this pattern so that 494 00:32:33,480 --> 00:32:39,400 Speaker 1: we don't see that typical repeated timeline in relationships. This cycle, 495 00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:42,560 Speaker 1: this timeline it's characterized by a few major things right 496 00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:47,200 Speaker 1: that inability to fully commit. The heightened emotions and anxiety 497 00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:50,960 Speaker 1: is the relationship becomes more serious. Sometimes we have that 498 00:32:51,000 --> 00:32:56,680 Speaker 1: emotional baiting or testing and finally self sabotage or withdrawal. 499 00:32:57,400 --> 00:32:59,320 Speaker 1: There was this really good example that I found which 500 00:32:59,320 --> 00:33:01,920 Speaker 1: I think some this up really well, and I think 501 00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:06,200 Speaker 1: a typical relationship of involving someone with abandonment issues might 502 00:33:06,280 --> 00:33:10,040 Speaker 1: go through some of the following stages. So you start 503 00:33:10,080 --> 00:33:12,920 Speaker 1: off in the early days. At this point, it's all 504 00:33:12,960 --> 00:33:17,400 Speaker 1: really fun, you feel really safe, You're not really emotionally 505 00:33:17,560 --> 00:33:20,479 Speaker 1: invested yet, so you kind of continue to live your 506 00:33:20,520 --> 00:33:24,160 Speaker 1: life whilst also really enjoying time with them. I think 507 00:33:24,280 --> 00:33:26,720 Speaker 1: at this point we're not worried about abandonment, we're not 508 00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:29,720 Speaker 1: really in that mind frame yet. Then we have a 509 00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:32,200 Speaker 1: honeymoon phase, and this is where you choose to commit. 510 00:33:32,680 --> 00:33:35,240 Speaker 1: You kind of maybe overlook some of your anxiety, You 511 00:33:35,320 --> 00:33:38,440 Speaker 1: overlook some of the red flags. You suppress some of 512 00:33:38,480 --> 00:33:41,640 Speaker 1: those emotional wounds because you feel embarrassed by them. You 513 00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:44,200 Speaker 1: don't want to admit them to your new partner, your 514 00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:48,360 Speaker 1: new boyfriend or girlfriend, and you do in some ways 515 00:33:48,400 --> 00:33:51,760 Speaker 1: feel really secure because this person has offered you exclusivity 516 00:33:51,880 --> 00:33:55,880 Speaker 1: or a commitment, and you're not yet so emotionally invested 517 00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:59,440 Speaker 1: that those fears are starting to really bubble up. And 518 00:33:59,600 --> 00:34:05,120 Speaker 1: then you become partners. As things get more serious, things 519 00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:08,800 Speaker 1: get in the way. You know, relationships are sometimes quite hard. 520 00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:12,719 Speaker 1: People have bad days, work gets really annoying, you have 521 00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:16,400 Speaker 1: to cancel plans, you worry about money, and something really 522 00:34:16,400 --> 00:34:20,480 Speaker 1: small might occur. And an example of this is, for example, 523 00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:25,360 Speaker 1: an unanswered text message or an unreturned phone call. To 524 00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:28,920 Speaker 1: most people, I think that this is really normal, right, 525 00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:32,280 Speaker 1: they might find a different reason. They might give themselves 526 00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:35,239 Speaker 1: a rational explanation for why this is happening. They're at 527 00:34:35,320 --> 00:34:37,920 Speaker 1: work their phone instead, they just haven't gotten around to 528 00:34:37,960 --> 00:34:40,719 Speaker 1: replying to me. They're busy. But if you're someone who 529 00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:44,400 Speaker 1: already has that initial anxiety or bias that this person 530 00:34:44,480 --> 00:34:47,160 Speaker 1: is going to leave you, you're probably really going to 531 00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:52,600 Speaker 1: battle really hard internally about how to respond, because to you, 532 00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:55,759 Speaker 1: in your state of hypervigilance, that is a really big 533 00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:59,080 Speaker 1: sign that they might be going to leave you. That 534 00:34:59,239 --> 00:35:02,440 Speaker 1: is a sign that they pulling away. And although quite 535 00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:06,040 Speaker 1: rationally and objectively, someone else might look at that and say, well, 536 00:35:06,040 --> 00:35:09,960 Speaker 1: that's ridiculous. You have this fear response that's become deeply ingrained. 537 00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:13,760 Speaker 1: So some people handle that by becoming really clingy, really 538 00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:19,160 Speaker 1: insistent and demanding, and other people also just withdraw at 539 00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:22,759 Speaker 1: that first sign of difficulty or what they interpret to 540 00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:26,000 Speaker 1: be a sign that they're about to be left or 541 00:35:26,320 --> 00:35:29,600 Speaker 1: broken up with. They make the first move, but they're 542 00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:33,799 Speaker 1: making the first move with false information, with information that 543 00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:37,000 Speaker 1: is coming from a subjective bias or a place of fear. 544 00:35:37,440 --> 00:35:39,960 Speaker 1: So how do we prevent our fear of abandonment from 545 00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:44,839 Speaker 1: doing this from really interrupting these healthy, beautiful connections. I'm 546 00:35:44,880 --> 00:35:46,960 Speaker 1: going to give you a few tips, both from personal 547 00:35:47,040 --> 00:35:50,040 Speaker 1: experience and then some more clinical advice that you know 548 00:35:50,080 --> 00:35:53,680 Speaker 1: a therapist or a psychologist might give you. Number one, 549 00:35:53,840 --> 00:35:57,200 Speaker 1: and I think this is something everyone listening is already doing, 550 00:35:57,760 --> 00:35:59,759 Speaker 1: but you kind of need to shake hands with who 551 00:35:59,760 --> 00:36:02,520 Speaker 1: you are at this point and where you're at and 552 00:36:02,640 --> 00:36:06,279 Speaker 1: acknowledge that this is something that you're dealing with. I 553 00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:08,719 Speaker 1: think you need to approach it really objectively, so no 554 00:36:08,840 --> 00:36:11,920 Speaker 1: self pity, try not to fear what this means, or 555 00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:15,720 Speaker 1: look for blame or back in the past for something 556 00:36:15,719 --> 00:36:19,000 Speaker 1: you could change. Sadly, that's one of the realities of time. 557 00:36:19,080 --> 00:36:22,880 Speaker 1: We can't change what brought us here. However, I do 558 00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:28,040 Speaker 1: believe in our ability to control how we interpret and 559 00:36:28,080 --> 00:36:31,120 Speaker 1: deal with our fear. So if you have acknowledged that 560 00:36:31,480 --> 00:36:34,359 Speaker 1: you may be dealing with this fear of abandonment, you've 561 00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:37,399 Speaker 1: acknowledged that or looked back at past relationships and said, 562 00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:39,759 Speaker 1: oh my god, I can clearly see now where I 563 00:36:39,800 --> 00:36:42,640 Speaker 1: have self sabotaged, or where I have been avoidant, or 564 00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:45,680 Speaker 1: where I have been fawning or people pleasing. That is 565 00:36:45,760 --> 00:36:49,000 Speaker 1: really valuable information, and that is information that can only 566 00:36:49,080 --> 00:36:53,640 Speaker 1: help you be better. So that first thing, acknowledge that 567 00:36:53,680 --> 00:36:55,920 Speaker 1: this is where you're at, and then examine why you 568 00:36:55,960 --> 00:37:00,279 Speaker 1: believe this. Where did you learn this belief? Where did 569 00:37:00,320 --> 00:37:04,000 Speaker 1: you learn this idea that everyone who loves you will leave? 570 00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:09,160 Speaker 1: So examining like the origin story, that's often a technique 571 00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:13,279 Speaker 1: used in psychotherapy where it is really useful to talk 572 00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:17,879 Speaker 1: through our current experiences and trace them back to where 573 00:37:17,920 --> 00:37:20,520 Speaker 1: they may have began and how they're still influencing what 574 00:37:20,640 --> 00:37:25,560 Speaker 1: is currently happening in your life. Maybe it was you 575 00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:28,560 Speaker 1: witnessed a really terrible divorce between your parents and that's 576 00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:31,759 Speaker 1: taught you that love does not last, or you found 577 00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:33,759 Speaker 1: out that your partner was cheating, and now you can't 578 00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:37,759 Speaker 1: trust people anymore. You're so fearful of this abandonment, whatever 579 00:37:37,840 --> 00:37:40,399 Speaker 1: it is. What I want you to realize is that 580 00:37:40,480 --> 00:37:43,360 Speaker 1: it is not your fault. You did not choose that 581 00:37:43,480 --> 00:37:47,319 Speaker 1: experience and it doesn't say anything about you either. And 582 00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:50,640 Speaker 1: more importantly, you get a decide where you go to next. 583 00:37:51,680 --> 00:37:56,560 Speaker 1: And we do this by identifying why, when, and what 584 00:37:57,040 --> 00:38:04,280 Speaker 1: triggers this reaction. In psychology, triggers are essentially events, situations, 585 00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:07,640 Speaker 1: things in the environment that elicit a really intense or 586 00:38:07,680 --> 00:38:11,200 Speaker 1: unexpected emotional response. So when we're talking about a fear 587 00:38:11,200 --> 00:38:13,879 Speaker 1: of abandonment, one that is common is, as we spoke 588 00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:17,480 Speaker 1: about before, a partner maybe not replying to your messages 589 00:38:18,160 --> 00:38:21,280 Speaker 1: or perhaps asking for a lone time. So the reason 590 00:38:21,320 --> 00:38:25,440 Speaker 1: that this triggers this anxiety around them leaving you is 591 00:38:25,480 --> 00:38:30,080 Speaker 1: because your brain is searching for patterns that serve as 592 00:38:30,160 --> 00:38:34,560 Speaker 1: warning signs based on past experiences and is telling you 593 00:38:34,600 --> 00:38:37,000 Speaker 1: to react in a certain way. That is why this 594 00:38:37,040 --> 00:38:40,279 Speaker 1: thing has so called triggered you to have this really 595 00:38:40,320 --> 00:38:44,800 Speaker 1: unexpected response. This perhaps desire to run away or to 596 00:38:45,040 --> 00:38:47,640 Speaker 1: pull this person in really closely and be really needy. 597 00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:52,720 Speaker 1: In that moment, you really need to stop, pause, feel, 598 00:38:53,360 --> 00:38:58,239 Speaker 1: and then rationalize is this really what's happening? Has this 599 00:38:58,320 --> 00:39:02,040 Speaker 1: person really given me any other indicator that this is 600 00:39:02,040 --> 00:39:04,160 Speaker 1: how they're feeling that they are going to leave me? 601 00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:09,000 Speaker 1: And then ask for reassurance. Instead of testing your partner 602 00:39:09,040 --> 00:39:13,080 Speaker 1: with emotional baiting, test them, I would say, through vulnerability 603 00:39:13,120 --> 00:39:16,359 Speaker 1: and honesty. And maybe test isn't the right word, but 604 00:39:16,760 --> 00:39:21,520 Speaker 1: I think asking for clarity and pursuing open communication seeing 605 00:39:21,560 --> 00:39:24,200 Speaker 1: how you're a partner responds to that is going to 606 00:39:24,239 --> 00:39:26,160 Speaker 1: tell you a whole lot more about the future of 607 00:39:26,160 --> 00:39:29,160 Speaker 1: your relationship or whether they're going to leave you. Then 608 00:39:29,320 --> 00:39:33,440 Speaker 1: withdrawing or starting a fight or pushing them away, just 609 00:39:33,520 --> 00:39:36,239 Speaker 1: have a sit down and say, hey, it makes me 610 00:39:36,320 --> 00:39:39,759 Speaker 1: really anxious when you don't reply during the day. Can 611 00:39:39,800 --> 00:39:41,520 Speaker 1: you just check in with me every now and again? 612 00:39:42,120 --> 00:39:44,839 Speaker 1: And maybe they can't do that for some reason, and 613 00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:47,200 Speaker 1: they tell you why, And the thing is is that 614 00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:52,480 Speaker 1: their reason, it's going to be much more valid and 615 00:39:52,600 --> 00:39:55,200 Speaker 1: much more real than the one that you're probably making 616 00:39:55,280 --> 00:39:57,560 Speaker 1: up on your head. So I think it's really important 617 00:39:57,600 --> 00:40:00,800 Speaker 1: to just tell them, tell them how you're feeling Secondly, 618 00:40:00,960 --> 00:40:03,920 Speaker 1: often a fear of abandonment can result in self abandonment. 619 00:40:04,440 --> 00:40:07,920 Speaker 1: When you are afraid of being left or dismissed, you'll 620 00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:11,000 Speaker 1: kind of do anything to make the relationship work no 621 00:40:11,080 --> 00:40:13,560 Speaker 1: matter the cost, even if this person is bad for you. 622 00:40:14,320 --> 00:40:20,440 Speaker 1: As a result, we can sometimes really neglect our own physical, mental, emotional, social, 623 00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:24,600 Speaker 1: spiritual needs when you meet someone. If you find you 624 00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:28,000 Speaker 1: have abandonment issues, maybe you will stop taking care of 625 00:40:28,040 --> 00:40:31,160 Speaker 1: yourself and doing the things that bring you joy and 626 00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:35,200 Speaker 1: help you live to balance life because you're prioritizing them 627 00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:38,320 Speaker 1: and making sure that you're not giving them any reason 628 00:40:38,440 --> 00:40:41,720 Speaker 1: to back away. So some examples are, you stop spending 629 00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:44,400 Speaker 1: time with your friends even if they're not asking you 630 00:40:44,440 --> 00:40:46,800 Speaker 1: to do that. You give up on your hobbies or 631 00:40:46,840 --> 00:40:50,239 Speaker 1: your free time for them. You neglect things like working out, 632 00:40:50,440 --> 00:40:54,480 Speaker 1: or your sleep or your self care practices. Here's the thing, though, 633 00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:57,200 Speaker 1: when you stop taking care of yourself or you engage 634 00:40:57,239 --> 00:41:00,799 Speaker 1: in what we call self abandonment, that really just increases 635 00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:04,000 Speaker 1: the stakes of your relationship and it makes you feel 636 00:41:04,040 --> 00:41:07,680 Speaker 1: more insecure about what might happen if the relationship were 637 00:41:07,719 --> 00:41:10,759 Speaker 1: to end, because you have nothing you care about to 638 00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:14,200 Speaker 1: fall back on. If You've sacrificed it all for maintaining 639 00:41:14,200 --> 00:41:17,480 Speaker 1: this connection. So I would say, try not to let 640 00:41:17,920 --> 00:41:22,120 Speaker 1: a person or a new spark overwhelm what's important to 641 00:41:22,160 --> 00:41:26,360 Speaker 1: you on an individual level. Make a really deliberate effort 642 00:41:26,520 --> 00:41:30,000 Speaker 1: to maintain the life that you love. I think additionally, 643 00:41:30,040 --> 00:41:32,400 Speaker 1: this also means that you just have less time to 644 00:41:32,480 --> 00:41:35,840 Speaker 1: worry about what they might be thinking, or to ruminate 645 00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:40,399 Speaker 1: unnecessarily on your relationship and all the things that might 646 00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:44,000 Speaker 1: be scary or worrying. You think. Feeling secure in the 647 00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:48,000 Speaker 1: relationship you have with yourself really allows you to feel 648 00:41:48,040 --> 00:41:50,520 Speaker 1: more secure in the bonds and the connections that you 649 00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:55,040 Speaker 1: have with others. Thirdly, remember that your feelings are not reality. 650 00:41:55,480 --> 00:41:59,360 Speaker 1: They are just feelings. Your fear is just your mind 651 00:41:59,480 --> 00:42:02,240 Speaker 1: trying to help help you out by avoiding a pain 652 00:42:02,320 --> 00:42:06,320 Speaker 1: you've experienced in the past. But your brain, your mind, 653 00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:09,680 Speaker 1: it can't predict the future. It's just serving as a guide. 654 00:42:10,280 --> 00:42:12,960 Speaker 1: So although you might be scared, you might feel a 655 00:42:13,000 --> 00:42:16,640 Speaker 1: lot of fear right now, Challenge those negative beliefs that 656 00:42:16,719 --> 00:42:20,520 Speaker 1: no one will ever love you. Challenge that belief that 657 00:42:20,600 --> 00:42:24,400 Speaker 1: everyone will leave you by changing the narrative and questioning 658 00:42:24,480 --> 00:42:28,040 Speaker 1: the evidence. Where is that feeling coming from Why do 659 00:42:28,160 --> 00:42:30,200 Speaker 1: I think this? Why do I think they don't love me? 660 00:42:30,360 --> 00:42:32,359 Speaker 1: Have they told me something that has told me this? 661 00:42:32,960 --> 00:42:36,359 Speaker 1: Has someone else told me? Have you seen it? If not, 662 00:42:36,960 --> 00:42:39,000 Speaker 1: try and realize that it's not a problem until it is. 663 00:42:39,560 --> 00:42:42,040 Speaker 1: And I know it's hard to lean into that discomfort 664 00:42:42,160 --> 00:42:44,960 Speaker 1: and the reality of not knowing, But what I always 665 00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:48,520 Speaker 1: say is that it's better to see what happens than 666 00:42:48,600 --> 00:42:51,000 Speaker 1: to be left with the what if of pulling away 667 00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:53,400 Speaker 1: before the relationship has had a chance to prove you 668 00:42:53,480 --> 00:42:57,160 Speaker 1: wrong or really live out its storyline. I think the 669 00:42:57,200 --> 00:43:00,399 Speaker 1: reality is is that you can't avoid being heard every 670 00:43:00,400 --> 00:43:03,040 Speaker 1: now and again, no matter how much you might try 671 00:43:03,080 --> 00:43:07,000 Speaker 1: and test people or practice avoidance or cling onto them 672 00:43:07,040 --> 00:43:09,800 Speaker 1: for dear life. It's kind of just part of the journey. 673 00:43:10,120 --> 00:43:12,680 Speaker 1: But I think you really need to let life surprise 674 00:43:12,719 --> 00:43:16,719 Speaker 1: you sometimes and know that whatever happens, you gave it 675 00:43:16,719 --> 00:43:20,200 Speaker 1: your best. You took a chance, you let yourself be vulnerable, 676 00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:23,600 Speaker 1: and you felt the fear and did it anyways, And 677 00:43:23,640 --> 00:43:28,480 Speaker 1: I think that is so worth it every single time. Finally, 678 00:43:28,640 --> 00:43:30,200 Speaker 1: I'm going to give you one more tip because this 679 00:43:30,239 --> 00:43:32,640 Speaker 1: is something that has really helped me. That is to 680 00:43:32,800 --> 00:43:37,600 Speaker 1: over communicate. Often your perception of a situation or an 681 00:43:37,640 --> 00:43:40,120 Speaker 1: event or something your partner or a friend has done 682 00:43:40,960 --> 00:43:45,440 Speaker 1: is going to be really disturbed by your own cognitive 683 00:43:45,440 --> 00:43:51,680 Speaker 1: biases and anxiety and so over communicating what you need. 684 00:43:52,160 --> 00:43:55,560 Speaker 1: Telling people how you feel, how you interpreted a situation 685 00:43:56,640 --> 00:44:00,279 Speaker 1: is really really important. And obviously you don't need to 686 00:44:00,360 --> 00:44:02,640 Speaker 1: jump right into your past trauma on the first date, 687 00:44:02,719 --> 00:44:05,600 Speaker 1: because we know that that is really your fear of 688 00:44:05,640 --> 00:44:09,640 Speaker 1: abandonment being activated by oversharing. But what you should do 689 00:44:09,719 --> 00:44:13,440 Speaker 1: is really reveal, with time, perhaps why you might react 690 00:44:13,440 --> 00:44:16,600 Speaker 1: in a certain way, why you maybe need a little 691 00:44:16,600 --> 00:44:19,799 Speaker 1: bit more reassurance than the average person, ways that your 692 00:44:19,840 --> 00:44:22,880 Speaker 1: partner can make you feel safer, And if they're a 693 00:44:22,920 --> 00:44:26,640 Speaker 1: good person, they will respond to that. I've seen it happen. 694 00:44:26,680 --> 00:44:30,040 Speaker 1: It's beautiful. They'll understand, and they'll really want to give 695 00:44:30,080 --> 00:44:34,000 Speaker 1: you that sense of security and safety. I really hope 696 00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:36,120 Speaker 1: that this has helped you if you've been questioning this. 697 00:44:36,800 --> 00:44:38,560 Speaker 1: There is also, I'm just going to say it, so 698 00:44:38,800 --> 00:44:42,520 Speaker 1: much that therapy can do for integrating past trauma that 699 00:44:42,640 --> 00:44:46,319 Speaker 1: might be manifesting in a fear of abandonment. I think 700 00:44:46,360 --> 00:44:48,880 Speaker 1: that therapy is amazing because there is a third party 701 00:44:48,920 --> 00:44:52,839 Speaker 1: there who can really be so valuable and interrupt that 702 00:44:52,880 --> 00:44:57,440 Speaker 1: pattern of negative and harmful beliefs or assumptions. As someone 703 00:44:57,440 --> 00:45:00,080 Speaker 1: who is not involved, as someone who is unbiased, so 704 00:45:00,400 --> 00:45:03,719 Speaker 1: definitely something else to think about, but as someone who 705 00:45:03,760 --> 00:45:06,720 Speaker 1: has dealt with this previously and has had really open 706 00:45:06,719 --> 00:45:10,279 Speaker 1: discussions about this in my current relationship, I'm telling you now, 707 00:45:10,360 --> 00:45:13,160 Speaker 1: it does get a lot easier, and there is someone 708 00:45:13,160 --> 00:45:15,719 Speaker 1: out there who will stay, who will meet you in 709 00:45:15,760 --> 00:45:19,479 Speaker 1: the middle, who will kind of prove that consistent love 710 00:45:19,520 --> 00:45:22,680 Speaker 1: and companionship does exist. So I hope that that is 711 00:45:22,719 --> 00:45:27,840 Speaker 1: a really solid, helpful, comforting reminder to finish off this episode. 712 00:45:27,880 --> 00:45:29,680 Speaker 1: I think that that is all we have time for. 713 00:45:30,000 --> 00:45:32,000 Speaker 1: But I really do hope that you enjoyed. It was 714 00:45:32,040 --> 00:45:34,120 Speaker 1: a bit of a scientific one, a little bit of 715 00:45:34,120 --> 00:45:37,359 Speaker 1: a roller coaster, but also so valuable. I think that 716 00:45:37,760 --> 00:45:39,520 Speaker 1: this is something that I hope people can come back 717 00:45:39,520 --> 00:45:42,560 Speaker 1: to if you're anxious or worried about these things, perhaps 718 00:45:42,560 --> 00:45:46,120 Speaker 1: again in the future. As always, if you enjoyed this episode, 719 00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:48,440 Speaker 1: please feel free to leave a five star review on 720 00:45:48,480 --> 00:45:52,440 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening, Go and follow 721 00:45:52,520 --> 00:45:55,359 Speaker 1: us at that Psychology podcast on Instagram if you want 722 00:45:55,360 --> 00:45:58,560 Speaker 1: to see behind the scenes or have an episode suggestion, 723 00:45:59,120 --> 00:46:01,160 Speaker 1: and you can follow me at Jemma speG if you 724 00:46:01,239 --> 00:46:04,000 Speaker 1: just want to see more personal content. We also have 725 00:46:04,040 --> 00:46:07,360 Speaker 1: a Patreon. It's linked in the episode description. It's a 726 00:46:07,360 --> 00:46:09,359 Speaker 1: lot of work doing this podcast, and I really do 727 00:46:09,440 --> 00:46:12,600 Speaker 1: appreciate all the support. If you do get value from 728 00:46:12,640 --> 00:46:16,000 Speaker 1: these episodes, and you're not already paying for it or 729 00:46:16,040 --> 00:46:19,560 Speaker 1: contributing or showing your support in other ways, it's just 730 00:46:19,640 --> 00:46:21,360 Speaker 1: a small way to help me out if you feel 731 00:46:21,360 --> 00:46:23,719 Speaker 1: cool to do so. So thank you so much for 732 00:46:23,800 --> 00:46:26,479 Speaker 1: tuning into this episode, and we will be back next 733 00:46:26,480 --> 00:46:29,439 Speaker 1: week with another one.