1
00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:04,560
Speaker 1: Where does warriors go to weak? Where do eagles go

2
00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:05,160
Speaker 1: to crime?

3
00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:08,039
Speaker 2: If two human beings can come together and come to

4
00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:11,680
Speaker 2: some type of understanding and build this bar that doesn't

5
00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:14,520
Speaker 2: need a piece of paper and say, hey, look, we're

6
00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:17,360
Speaker 2: going to do life together. We're going to make this work.

7
00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:19,800
Speaker 2: But I also want you to be okay if this

8
00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,720
Speaker 2: doesn't work, what does that look like for you?

9
00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:26,840
Speaker 3: I'm giving you my heart, I'm sharing my story. This

10
00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:27,640
Speaker 3: is my life.

11
00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:33,040
Speaker 4: And my mother died on Valentine's Day after giving birth

12
00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:36,080
Speaker 4: to an R and B singer. If you're not booked

13
00:00:36,159 --> 00:00:39,279
Speaker 4: do any concerts throughout the year as a singer, you're

14
00:00:39,479 --> 00:00:42,880
Speaker 4: likely going to get booked on Valentine's Day.

15
00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:45,320
Speaker 5: And so there's a sense of humor in that.

16
00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:48,159
Speaker 6: The same compassion that I experience to the children i've

17
00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:51,400
Speaker 6: seen firsthand from their mother. And I respect that because

18
00:00:51,479 --> 00:00:53,840
Speaker 6: the compassion of love I experienced from her children is

19
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:54,800
Speaker 6: made my whole better.

20
00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:58,760
Speaker 7: You know, every chapter of your life is preparing you

21
00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:02,680
Speaker 7: for the next one. That's what my show has always

22
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:06,080
Speaker 7: been about, not just where you've been, but where you're

23
00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:10,600
Speaker 7: trying to go. We talked about resilience, what it takes

24
00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:13,920
Speaker 7: and what it means to get back up when you've

25
00:01:13,959 --> 00:01:19,560
Speaker 7: been knocked down flat. We talked about identity, knowing who

26
00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:23,840
Speaker 7: you are at your core outside of your title, your relationships,

27
00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:29,280
Speaker 7: and your bank account. We talked about building something, businesses, legacies,

28
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:33,160
Speaker 7: the kind of wealth that outlasts you. We talked about

29
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:37,679
Speaker 7: the people in your life, the relationships that shape you,

30
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:43,959
Speaker 7: challenge you and sometimes break you, break you wide open

31
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:49,040
Speaker 7: so something greater can grow. And most importantly, we talked

32
00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:54,240
Speaker 7: about you, as we did, who you are when nobody's watching,

33
00:01:54,360 --> 00:02:01,240
Speaker 7: who you are being called to become. These conversations even

34
00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:04,880
Speaker 7: move me, and I believe they're going to move you too.

35
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:09,160
Speaker 7: This is the best of Season one. The moments that

36
00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:13,960
Speaker 7: stumped us in our tracks, the wisdom that hit differently,

37
00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:21,840
Speaker 7: and the truth that's still echo Cam Newton. When Cam

38
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:25,400
Speaker 7: Newton walked through that door, I knew we weren't just

39
00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:30,440
Speaker 7: talking football. We were talking about what it really means

40
00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:37,440
Speaker 7: to fail, maybe even fall, and have the audacity to

41
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:42,320
Speaker 7: get right back up again. What's up under there? What's

42
00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:47,400
Speaker 7: up under there? The resilience that made you survive. For example,

43
00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:51,520
Speaker 7: I've read about the correct you have at the height

44
00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:55,760
Speaker 7: of your career. You've run all these trophyts or Heisman trophies.

45
00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:59,840
Speaker 7: You've made a name for yourself for many teams. You

46
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:04,400
Speaker 7: in an NFL, You've lived a dream. Then you get

47
00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:08,320
Speaker 7: a car wreck that was so devastating you end up

48
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:11,639
Speaker 7: crawling out the back window. I wanted to meet the

49
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:16,880
Speaker 7: guy that refused to die in the car and crawled

50
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:20,160
Speaker 7: out the back window and got himself to some help.

51
00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:23,680
Speaker 7: I am fascinated by that. I wanted to meet the

52
00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:27,040
Speaker 7: guy that refused to end his career even though it

53
00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:31,880
Speaker 7: was eventually cut short. Okay, and the normal path and

54
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:35,760
Speaker 7: trajectory of people who played the role that you played

55
00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:39,400
Speaker 7: in football, you were denied that. I wanted to meet

56
00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:43,760
Speaker 7: the guy that was did the bigotry that existed in

57
00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:46,600
Speaker 7: sports and in the NFL, and how you had to

58
00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:49,600
Speaker 7: maneuver through all of that. And I'm meeting him. I'm

59
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:52,360
Speaker 7: meeting him. I'm meeting him. So I'm grinting because that's

60
00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:55,200
Speaker 7: who I wanted to meet. I didn't want to have

61
00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:58,400
Speaker 7: a conversation to you with you from a pulpit. That's

62
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,760
Speaker 7: why I'm doing a talk. So that's why I'm doing

63
00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:04,960
Speaker 7: a podcast, so that I can meet you where you

64
00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:10,800
Speaker 7: are without the preconceived idea of what I think, because

65
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:14,080
Speaker 7: because we all have masks at the preconceived of what

66
00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:16,800
Speaker 7: you think. I want. I want you to tell me

67
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:21,480
Speaker 7: where you are, what you feel at your age, and

68
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:24,520
Speaker 7: I want to tell you that ten years from now,

69
00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,880
Speaker 7: you will disagree with half of the stuff you said.

70
00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:31,480
Speaker 7: Now you see what I'm saying. So if you make

71
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:35,880
Speaker 7: a decision, the hardest thing about marriage is you're picking

72
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:39,960
Speaker 7: somebody at one stage that you got to.

73
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:43,320
Speaker 8: Stick with and choose yeah, in every stage.

74
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,520
Speaker 7: At every stage, and you don't know what they're gonna be,

75
00:04:45,839 --> 00:04:48,039
Speaker 7: And you don't know if they're gonna get kidney disease,

76
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:50,120
Speaker 7: and you don't know if they're gonna get cancer, and

77
00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:51,960
Speaker 7: you don't know if they're gonna end up with one leg,

78
00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:53,760
Speaker 7: And you don't know if you're gonna end up with

79
00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:55,920
Speaker 7: one leg. You don't know if you're gonna end up impotent.

80
00:04:56,279 --> 00:04:58,680
Speaker 7: You have to make that decision. So there has to

81
00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:04,520
Speaker 7: be something deeper than superficials that tie you together. And

82
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,480
Speaker 7: she also has to be a woman that can put

83
00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:09,159
Speaker 7: up with baby mama drama and put up with other

84
00:05:09,279 --> 00:05:13,880
Speaker 7: kids and pick up your philanthropic side of you. I've

85
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:18,200
Speaker 7: worried about you. I did my homework. So there's a

86
00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:21,560
Speaker 7: philanthropic side of you. There's the adoptive side of you.

87
00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,360
Speaker 7: There's a loving side of you. There's a fighting side

88
00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:27,800
Speaker 7: of you. There's a warring side of you. There's a relentless,

89
00:05:27,839 --> 00:05:30,320
Speaker 7: tenacious side of you. When you look at all of

90
00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:32,880
Speaker 7: those different parts of you and you've got to marry

91
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:38,279
Speaker 7: one person, what skill sets do they need to be

92
00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:42,080
Speaker 7: able to accommodate those ten people that are sitting in

93
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,800
Speaker 7: that chair. There's ten people sitting in that chair at

94
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:48,160
Speaker 7: least that I can see, and I just just met you,

95
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:51,880
Speaker 7: So if we spend some time together, I might find

96
00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:59,280
Speaker 7: twenty five. Okay, yeah, I'm not saying you about Pope. No no, no, no, no, no, no,

97
00:05:59,279 --> 00:06:05,320
Speaker 7: no, no personality disorder. I'm saying that we are a complicated species,

98
00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:10,320
Speaker 7: and gifted people are particularly complicated because you have things

99
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,360
Speaker 7: that you do on stage and you have to gear

100
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:14,359
Speaker 7: up to do it, and you have to be a

101
00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:17,159
Speaker 7: certain kind of person to crawl out of a glass

102
00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:19,120
Speaker 7: window in a car wreck that could have killed you

103
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:22,960
Speaker 7: and get back on the field and play again. I

104
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:26,680
Speaker 7: wanted to meet that person and find out who he

105
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:32,280
Speaker 7: is there's something beating up under that sweater that is relentless,

106
00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:40,560
Speaker 7: that is tenacious, that is able to maneuver through a

107
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:44,520
Speaker 7: system that does not always lend itself to a black

108
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:48,680
Speaker 7: quarterback being successful. After one hundred and five years of

109
00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:52,800
Speaker 7: the NFL, you've only got thirty five people that are quarterbacks.

110
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:54,800
Speaker 7: And I called a friend of mine and told him

111
00:06:54,800 --> 00:07:00,680
Speaker 7: I was going to interview you. He just does it. No,

112
00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:03,320
Speaker 7: he went out like I was getting ready to interview

113
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:07,240
Speaker 7: prints or something. Oh no, he went absolutely crazy. He

114
00:07:07,279 --> 00:07:14,360
Speaker 7: says that you are arguably the top five quarter black

115
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:19,400
Speaker 7: quarterbacks in the world. That's what he said about you. Okay,

116
00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:23,680
Speaker 7: that's what he said about you. Okay, give him a

117
00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:28,880
Speaker 7: bible for me. I will do that. I will do that.

118
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:32,920
Speaker 7: I had this conversation last night, okay. And so he's

119
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:36,240
Speaker 7: schooling me because I'm not into athletics like that. He's

120
00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:39,400
Speaker 7: schooling me about about who I'm dealing with. That I'm

121
00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:43,120
Speaker 7: dealing with the Michael Jordan of football. And he had

122
00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:47,480
Speaker 7: all the analogy to describe who you were, and I

123
00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:51,520
Speaker 7: wanted to see who's up under there. I'll tell you, tell.

124
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:59,480
Speaker 8: Me, well, the quality that she has to possess is grace.

125
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:04,200
Speaker 1: Because what I realized for so long and was good

126
00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:07,280
Speaker 1: at masking, still am good at masking, and I think

127
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:11,960
Speaker 1: anybody who is somebody is good at masking. Where does

128
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:15,600
Speaker 1: warriors go to weak? Where does lions go to lie?

129
00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:21,640
Speaker 1: Where do eagles go to cry? And really kind of

130
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:25,440
Speaker 1: check your scars? Like, dang, bro, they got me the dog?

131
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:29,040
Speaker 1: Oh my god, they got me. See, I couldn't do

132
00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:33,120
Speaker 1: that publicly. And when you at odds with the person

133
00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:39,800
Speaker 1: that's supposed to recharge you, now everywhere is a batter.

134
00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:47,880
Speaker 1: Feel So while I was growing up so growing up

135
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:52,960
Speaker 1: fast and realizing that yo, bypassing all these things and

136
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:57,920
Speaker 1: saying like yo, above all, I realized I was hurt

137
00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:03,200
Speaker 1: and I wasn't able to verbalize what hurt me. Now,

138
00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:07,080
Speaker 1: if I can go back to that situation and I

139
00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,480
Speaker 1: can honestly say, I don't want to point the finger,

140
00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:11,679
Speaker 1: but baby, you hurt me.

141
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:17,720
Speaker 8: I was too proudful. I was too like man, man, you.

142
00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:20,079
Speaker 1: Know what I'm saying, like I'm need like what I

143
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:21,160
Speaker 1: don't need you?

144
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,320
Speaker 7: I do need you?

145
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:23,600
Speaker 1: Man.

146
00:09:23,679 --> 00:09:26,120
Speaker 7: You don't like man, get out of here, but.

147
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:31,360
Speaker 1: Don't leave ye See as a man's oh my goodness

148
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:36,080
Speaker 1: for me growing up. I was the bread winner, I

149
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:39,280
Speaker 1: was the cash cow. I was the man of my house.

150
00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:43,000
Speaker 1: But always giving respect to my father as that because

151
00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:46,400
Speaker 1: he is still the most influential man or person on

152
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:50,000
Speaker 1: this earth. But even when he comes to me saying son,

153
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:55,400
Speaker 1: I need your mom, I need your brother, I need

154
00:09:56,160 --> 00:10:00,160
Speaker 1: your partner, I need everybody around you, I need.

155
00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:02,120
Speaker 8: It forces you to grow up fast.

156
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:06,040
Speaker 1: So all that to say, when I was in relationships

157
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:10,640
Speaker 1: having children, I was hurt. Did not know how to

158
00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:14,800
Speaker 1: verbalize my hurt. I was masking hurt with sex, and

159
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:18,000
Speaker 1: that was not getting to the nucleus of the situation.

160
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,319
Speaker 1: And now when you don't really say hold on, I'm

161
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:23,720
Speaker 1: hurt baby, before before no no, no, no no no, don't

162
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,560
Speaker 1: kiss like we need to sit down and trauma.

163
00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:29,920
Speaker 8: We need to talk. Because what you said the other.

164
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:32,600
Speaker 1: Day when you was walking out the kitchen and you

165
00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:33,640
Speaker 1: threatened me, you.

166
00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:38,280
Speaker 7: The hurt.

167
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:39,200
Speaker 8: I couldn't.

168
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:41,240
Speaker 1: I didn't know how to say it. I know it

169
00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:45,960
Speaker 1: needed to be said, And even for her, I didn't

170
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:49,200
Speaker 1: think that the relationship that I was in we were

171
00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:54,600
Speaker 1: listening to understand, we were just listening to respond.

172
00:10:56,920 --> 00:11:01,120
Speaker 7: Many things she said, I totally relate to one of

173
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:05,160
Speaker 7: the interesting things is when you have to mask, or

174
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:09,200
Speaker 7: you feel the need to mask, you can be lonely

175
00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:13,480
Speaker 7: in a crowded room. You can be laying in the

176
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:17,760
Speaker 7: bed and be by yourself because the real part of you,

177
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,360
Speaker 7: the part of you, not the part that's sayingry, the

178
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:24,120
Speaker 7: part that's really hurt. Nobody gets to meet him. And

179
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:30,000
Speaker 7: that's the person that God wants. That's the person that

180
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:33,559
Speaker 7: a good woman wants, and sooner or later, that's the point,

181
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:37,000
Speaker 7: the person that your kids want. But you spend all

182
00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:42,439
Speaker 7: of your life masking that person. How do you unclothe

183
00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:45,120
Speaker 7: him and still feel safe?

184
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,480
Speaker 8: You know what's crazy.

185
00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:53,360
Speaker 1: This may sound like the most toxic thing that any

186
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:59,000
Speaker 1: person ever has said, but my children sees that person

187
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:02,240
Speaker 1: and that's the only human beings on this earth that

188
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:03,880
Speaker 1: I feel fully safe with.

189
00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:10,240
Speaker 8: And there you go. My children see a soft side,

190
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:16,600
Speaker 8: the protector, the provider, the come on son, don't do that.

191
00:12:16,679 --> 00:12:21,920
Speaker 1: Man. You gotta you gotta a frown face. Matter of fact,

192
00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:25,199
Speaker 1: you get a you get a green face today. Daddy,

193
00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,400
Speaker 1: go get you ice cream. Matter of fact, we'll go

194
00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:30,040
Speaker 1: get you a dinosaur. No, you know what, bump all

195
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:32,680
Speaker 1: that We're gonna go walk into the forest that you

196
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:35,400
Speaker 1: always like, you'll do that.

197
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:39,080
Speaker 8: Pinky promise, kiss it.

198
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:45,319
Speaker 1: My children see that, So it may not make sense

199
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:52,960
Speaker 1: to you. You you, y'all. I've identified early on that

200
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:56,040
Speaker 1: the only people that I can truly trust and get

201
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,199
Speaker 1: the most vulnerable side of me.

202
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:02,880
Speaker 8: It's my children, for right now, for right now. I'm

203
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:05,760
Speaker 8: learning for right now. I said, yeah, in the last

204
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:06,360
Speaker 8: two years.

205
00:13:06,559 --> 00:13:11,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, but my lady has unlocked that.

206
00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:15,600
Speaker 7: For me, Jez. Some people find that turning point in

207
00:13:15,679 --> 00:13:21,800
Speaker 7: the most unexpected places. Now Jeezi found he is in

208
00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:27,800
Speaker 7: the fire. And this conversation is proof that transformation is

209
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:33,840
Speaker 7: available to anyone willing to tell the truth and to

210
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:37,880
Speaker 7: just keep it real. You went through real tough divorce

211
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:43,760
Speaker 7: for me. I don't think there are no losses if

212
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:49,520
Speaker 7: there is learning, right, okay, And when you look back

213
00:13:49,559 --> 00:13:51,360
Speaker 7: on it, and you may not have had time to

214
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:53,960
Speaker 7: process it, because big stuff like that, it takes a

215
00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:59,640
Speaker 7: long time to really process. What was that all about?

216
00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:02,480
Speaker 7: What did you learn from it?

217
00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:08,000
Speaker 2: I learned I was a great husband, I came, I

218
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:11,640
Speaker 2: got a beautiful daughter out of a situation, so there's

219
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,120
Speaker 2: no regrets there.

220
00:14:13,559 --> 00:14:16,240
Speaker 5: But I learned a lot about myself. I learned that.

221
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:22,200
Speaker 2: There's things that I continue to work on. I learned about,

222
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:27,400
Speaker 2: you know, my prefaces for things, the type of space

223
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:30,160
Speaker 2: that I need, the type of moments that I need

224
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:31,800
Speaker 2: to decompress about certain.

225
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:37,360
Speaker 5: Things, and this just unselfish nature.

226
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:41,800
Speaker 2: You know that I was selfish in my prior life,

227
00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:48,760
Speaker 2: and I think just going forward in life, it just

228
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:53,280
Speaker 2: taught me how to like give someone else grace and

229
00:14:53,480 --> 00:15:01,560
Speaker 2: actually listen to understand rather than just to listen to reply. Yeah,

230
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:04,480
Speaker 2: you know, because when you're sharing the life of somebody,

231
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:09,920
Speaker 2: you know, it's almost like you don't become one. But

232
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,800
Speaker 2: this is a partnership, right, and so for me, it's

233
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:17,440
Speaker 2: almost like I've never experienced anything like that, just coming

234
00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:20,160
Speaker 2: from where I came from, so I never had to share.

235
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:22,280
Speaker 5: Yeah, you know what I'm saying. I never had to

236
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:23,560
Speaker 5: compromise any way.

237
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:26,080
Speaker 2: So I just think it taught me a lot about

238
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:29,880
Speaker 2: what compromising was like, and then things that you know,

239
00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:31,280
Speaker 2: I can just work on as a person. You know,

240
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:34,360
Speaker 2: it's a mirror. Yeah, you know what I'm saying. It's

241
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:36,280
Speaker 2: a mirror. It's a mirror. It's a reflection.

242
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:39,320
Speaker 7: You know. It's a funny thing. If you go death,

243
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:44,640
Speaker 7: eventually you won't speak clearly to me, you can't speak

244
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:50,240
Speaker 7: right if you can't listen right. So the correlation between

245
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:53,240
Speaker 7: the ear and the mouth is so connected that the

246
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:57,840
Speaker 7: speech clears when the ear is open. So when I

247
00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:01,600
Speaker 7: asked you, what did you learn from it? I'm asking you,

248
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:09,880
Speaker 7: are you listening? And as you listen, that should change

249
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:14,840
Speaker 7: who you marry, if you marry again, how you communicate

250
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:18,520
Speaker 7: your music. Every aspect for your life is like blood.

251
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,960
Speaker 7: It doesn't stay on one spot, It goes everywhere. So

252
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:25,239
Speaker 7: wisdom is the same way it goes. It goes everywhere.

253
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:35,560
Speaker 7: And I think everything that makes you better makes you wiser. Yes, yeah, yes,

254
00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:39,080
Speaker 7: what would you do differently if the choice comes up again?

255
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:44,120
Speaker 5: I would definitely take my time. You know what I'm saying.

256
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:50,840
Speaker 5: I've learned now that friendship is the biggest key to anything.

257
00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:53,800
Speaker 2: I mean, I think when you become friends with someone

258
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:57,760
Speaker 2: and you're like really invested in the friendship, it just

259
00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:04,040
Speaker 2: builds a different type of foundation. And I feel that differently,

260
00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:08,480
Speaker 2: I would say I would build a I would make

261
00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:12,160
Speaker 2: sure that the community is as strong as the foundation,

262
00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:14,919
Speaker 2: because it takes a community like to keep you know,

263
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,600
Speaker 2: to keep you accountable, and have people that you can

264
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:20,679
Speaker 2: process with and have like minded people that you can

265
00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:24,159
Speaker 2: have conversations with about things that may you know, it

266
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:28,000
Speaker 2: just might not be a you know, end all be

267
00:17:28,119 --> 00:17:31,359
Speaker 2: all issue, but it's things you might not understand, you

268
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:34,280
Speaker 2: know what I'm saying, because to be honest with you,

269
00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:37,280
Speaker 2: I didn't have a lot of great.

270
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,439
Speaker 5: Examples of relationships.

271
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,199
Speaker 2: And I do want to say this though, because I

272
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,399
Speaker 2: felt like when people hear me speak about like what

273
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,720
Speaker 2: I went through my mom and all this stuff, they're like, oh,

274
00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:49,160
Speaker 2: you went into a relationship with marriage with.

275
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:51,880
Speaker 5: Mommy issues.

276
00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:54,800
Speaker 2: I had been working on that stuff, so that had

277
00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:58,760
Speaker 2: nothing to do with you know, my timeline with my marriage.

278
00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:04,320
Speaker 2: But as a man and someone who was coming into

279
00:18:04,359 --> 00:18:07,840
Speaker 2: his own, you know, and someone who came from a

280
00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:13,760
Speaker 2: world where, like, you know, your leadership is ruled with

281
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:17,320
Speaker 2: an iron fist, because that's what survival is based on.

282
00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:21,879
Speaker 2: And then for you to like start living in abundance

283
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:26,919
Speaker 2: and rather than scarcity, it was a humbling experience to

284
00:18:27,119 --> 00:18:31,520
Speaker 2: have to like actually like make sure that you're present

285
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:34,920
Speaker 2: enough to hear what somebody else's right, and then you're

286
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:40,480
Speaker 2: you're you're there should be no judgment there because you

287
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:43,480
Speaker 2: can't tell somebody something's not true to them, like they

288
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:46,080
Speaker 2: can't tell you something's not true to you. So it

289
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:50,640
Speaker 2: was just just right. It was just understanding things like that.

290
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,920
Speaker 2: So if I ever did it differently, I think that

291
00:18:54,119 --> 00:18:57,920
Speaker 2: even in the dating stages, like even like the day,

292
00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:01,440
Speaker 2: like we could be friends, and in the dating stages,

293
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:06,440
Speaker 2: I would want to do like some pre marital like counseling.

294
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,120
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying is to have somebody self counter.

295
00:19:09,359 --> 00:19:11,919
Speaker 2: But I will say this, my heart of my spirit

296
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:15,560
Speaker 2: tells me like now the space I'm in, I just

297
00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:18,240
Speaker 2: see life partner right, you know what I'm saying, Because

298
00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:21,600
Speaker 2: I just kind of feel like when you build a

299
00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:24,280
Speaker 2: friendship and you build a solid foundation with somebody like

300
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:26,119
Speaker 2: and I don't don't get me wrong, I don't know

301
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:27,679
Speaker 2: what Oprah's statement got going on.

302
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,480
Speaker 5: I ain't any business night in their house.

303
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:33,200
Speaker 2: But it works for them, I'm saying, And I'm quite

304
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:36,240
Speaker 2: sure that they negotiated something. If it doesn't work, you know,

305
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,320
Speaker 2: he's gonna be strange. She's gonna be straight and gonna

306
00:19:38,359 --> 00:19:42,760
Speaker 2: keep on moving what I don't agree with. And because

307
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:46,200
Speaker 2: this new generation of dating, marriage and all these things

308
00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:50,000
Speaker 2: is so quick, it's so immediate. Gratification is also for show,

309
00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:56,199
Speaker 2: is that as somebody that had to come from, you know,

310
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,679
Speaker 2: the type of background and to take the losses that

311
00:19:58,720 --> 00:19:59,159
Speaker 2: I had to take.

312
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:01,720
Speaker 5: And I'm question everybod I took losses in their life.

313
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:02,320
Speaker 7: Is that.

314
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:06,040
Speaker 2: I feel that if two human beings can come together

315
00:20:06,119 --> 00:20:09,200
Speaker 2: and come to some type of understanding and build this

316
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:14,119
Speaker 2: bond that doesn't need a piece of paper to validate

317
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:17,080
Speaker 2: it and say, hey, look we're gonna do life together.

318
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:20,040
Speaker 2: We're gonna make this work. But I also want you

319
00:20:20,119 --> 00:20:22,479
Speaker 2: to be Okay, if this doesn't work, what does that

320
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:25,000
Speaker 2: look like for you? Let's talk about that. Let's get

321
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:27,040
Speaker 2: that together. Okay, you're good with that. I'm good with that.

322
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,360
Speaker 2: We sign that, you sign, we do whatever, we get

323
00:20:29,359 --> 00:20:32,400
Speaker 2: the ring, we do all that. What I never want

324
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:34,439
Speaker 2: to go through again. I don't want that from anybody

325
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:36,200
Speaker 2: because I know a lot of brothers just been going

326
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:39,600
Speaker 2: through the court cases. Is seeing these people take your

327
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:42,160
Speaker 2: money and send their kids to college with your money

328
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:45,000
Speaker 2: because you're fight them, because it becomes adversarial.

329
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,520
Speaker 5: Well, let's just decide what.

330
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,840
Speaker 2: It's going to be and if you're good with that,

331
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:52,159
Speaker 2: if I'm good with that, if it doesn't work, what

332
00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:54,200
Speaker 2: you want it to work. But at least we got

333
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:56,040
Speaker 2: to understand and then we can part ways and we

334
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,480
Speaker 2: can still be Okay, it just didn't work. But when

335
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:02,120
Speaker 2: we come adversarial and I'm not just speaking on my way,

336
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:04,399
Speaker 2: I'm talking about overall, once the lawyers get involved, they

337
00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:06,320
Speaker 2: smell blood, you know what I'm saying.

338
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:07,800
Speaker 5: They just want money.

339
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:13,960
Speaker 7: They just may keeping the fighting going. They're the wise

340
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:17,040
Speaker 7: who walk away. God, yeah, you know, and it's all.

341
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:21,040
Speaker 5: Off your you know, just off you know, you're you're

342
00:21:21,119 --> 00:21:21,960
Speaker 5: hurting your pain.

343
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:27,320
Speaker 2: And if I was to ever be with somebody, I

344
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,399
Speaker 2: would just hope they would understand, just coming from the

345
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,840
Speaker 2: space that I'm coming from that I don't feel like

346
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,480
Speaker 2: I could be loyal to you without a piece of paper.

347
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:36,760
Speaker 2: I could be loyal. I could be I'm gonna protect

348
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:39,200
Speaker 2: you without any of that. I'm going you you are

349
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:43,080
Speaker 2: my person. But I just don't think I can never

350
00:21:43,119 --> 00:21:46,320
Speaker 2: be in a situation while I'm sitting there watching these people,

351
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:48,280
Speaker 2: you know, pick apart my life.

352
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,040
Speaker 5: I mean, you know they you know, people challenge those

353
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:53,600
Speaker 5: all day.

354
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:58,639
Speaker 2: But I would rather agreement than a prenup, meaning that

355
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:03,359
Speaker 2: it's the same. We don't got to go in front

356
00:22:03,359 --> 00:22:07,440
Speaker 2: of a judge to figure this out. It could be

357
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:09,680
Speaker 2: in an account, it could be in an escrow picking

358
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:13,280
Speaker 2: up you know, you know, it could be making money

359
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:16,280
Speaker 2: while you know, it could be picking up interest or whatever.

360
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:19,320
Speaker 2: It could be doing whatever. But we understand this is

361
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:24,160
Speaker 2: what this is. Because I'm just saying that when you

362
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:26,280
Speaker 2: go through you know, and I'm not speaking just on

363
00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:28,280
Speaker 2: my situation, Like I talk to brothers all the time,

364
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,840
Speaker 2: and I'm not a you know, I'm not a relationship counselor,

365
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:33,200
Speaker 2: and I'm just telling brothers what I think or trying

366
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:35,640
Speaker 2: to help them process it. But what I get from

367
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:39,560
Speaker 2: it is you're already in pain. You know, you wanted

368
00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:41,640
Speaker 2: this to work. You're trying to figure out these things out.

369
00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:49,720
Speaker 2: But these people are basically you know, they're basically taking

370
00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:53,920
Speaker 2: everything that you work for a part, and they're leaving

371
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:59,159
Speaker 2: with you know, this generation of wealth you built to

372
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:02,240
Speaker 2: put it into their family. And then this is money

373
00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:05,600
Speaker 2: you could have sent your kids through college with, you

374
00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:07,919
Speaker 2: could have you know, set your family up with, and

375
00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:12,560
Speaker 2: that same financial stuff we was talking about before, that's

376
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:13,960
Speaker 2: where that strain comes from.

377
00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:16,440
Speaker 5: Because if you've given you know.

378
00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:21,119
Speaker 2: These lawyers and all these things, all this different money,

379
00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:24,919
Speaker 2: you're taking away from that, well where Hey, if it

380
00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:27,879
Speaker 2: didn't work, I love you. You're good, I'm good. We straight

381
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:30,320
Speaker 2: let's take care of the babies. Y'all need any things.

382
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,440
Speaker 2: I'm still here and you still got what you need,

383
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:35,560
Speaker 2: and we still got this nest egg that we just

384
00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:38,040
Speaker 2: didn't give away that if something ever happens that we

385
00:23:38,119 --> 00:23:40,600
Speaker 2: know both know, Hey, if you need something, it's there.

386
00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:41,600
Speaker 5: You know what I'm saying.

387
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:56,480
Speaker 7: At our age, I myself that felt good, Yeah, just like, yeah,

388
00:23:56,720 --> 00:24:05,360
Speaker 7: this is this is not color, this is real. Yeah.

389
00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:08,480
Speaker 7: To me, it's all in the choice.

390
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:11,680
Speaker 5: And person.

391
00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:14,560
Speaker 7: Yes, yes, it's all in the choice.

392
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:15,199
Speaker 5: I agree with that.

393
00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:19,119
Speaker 7: And if you don't, you can't do a good deal

394
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:24,320
Speaker 7: with the wrong persons. Okay. And the other thing I

395
00:24:24,359 --> 00:24:27,080
Speaker 7: thought while you were talking that I thought was really interesting.

396
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:34,480
Speaker 7: Almost all of your life you've been deliberate. You raise yourself.

397
00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:42,160
Speaker 7: You survived the trials by yourself. You overcame the obstacles

398
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:45,800
Speaker 7: of sexual abuse, whatever, you did it by yourself. You

399
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:53,400
Speaker 7: went on about your business. Marriage is collaborative and and

400
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:56,600
Speaker 7: and you're choosing I wrote him, I wrote in my

401
00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:58,040
Speaker 7: first book, and see how you like this?

402
00:24:59,040 --> 00:24:59,159
Speaker 5: Uh?

403
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:06,520
Speaker 7: And there were or do sometime Marriage is choosing whose

404
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:09,720
Speaker 7: hand you want to hold when they lower your parents'

405
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:15,680
Speaker 7: body into the ground. Okay, A marriage is the person

406
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:19,280
Speaker 7: who's got you when all the furniture is put out

407
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:24,199
Speaker 7: on the street. Marriage is choosing who's going to be

408
00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:31,000
Speaker 7: your partner on the red carpet or when the guests

409
00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:36,399
Speaker 7: is off. And I tried to set some standard as

410
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:40,160
Speaker 7: it's not always going to be good, it's not always

411
00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:43,159
Speaker 7: going to be bad. But it's a chapter call the

412
00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:47,399
Speaker 7: table for two, and I talked about that. It's a

413
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:51,480
Speaker 7: collaboration so far. Don't know what the future is gonna bring.

414
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:54,359
Speaker 7: Don't think I'm going to get divorced.

415
00:25:55,119 --> 00:25:57,600
Speaker 2: But what if I happen to meet somebody, I'm gonna

416
00:25:57,600 --> 00:25:59,080
Speaker 2: bring them through you so you can do the vending

417
00:25:59,119 --> 00:25:59,359
Speaker 2: for me.

418
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:06,119
Speaker 7: Okay, I will help you. I've got a fifty to

419
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:09,320
Speaker 7: fifty success I want to mention up that from the

420
00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:14,320
Speaker 7: top of that. Not everybody that I've married stay married. Okay,

421
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:18,560
Speaker 7: Serita Jakes, forty four years of marriage will teach you

422
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:25,760
Speaker 7: things no seminary ever could. And nobody, nobody has taught

423
00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:30,879
Speaker 7: me more than this woman right here, my queen, my girl,

424
00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:36,680
Speaker 7: my chick on the side. Oh yeah, Sita, Jiggs, how

425
00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:39,800
Speaker 7: did you handle me being in the line, like whether

426
00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:42,600
Speaker 7: it was woman I would lose, or Mega Fest or

427
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:46,919
Speaker 7: us going to the White House innumerable times?

428
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:47,720
Speaker 8: Was that?

429
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:50,160
Speaker 7: How was that for you?

430
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:57,080
Speaker 3: Well, after a few minutes in the restroom along the way,

431
00:26:57,240 --> 00:27:01,639
Speaker 3: I would come out. I would come out like, you know,

432
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:07,440
Speaker 3: that's my boy, you go boy that kind of thing,

433
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:12,919
Speaker 3: and cheer you on. But I also realize that with

434
00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:21,720
Speaker 3: this amount of exposure, light comes heat, heat, and so

435
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:29,000
Speaker 3: there's something that about all of this fear that makes

436
00:27:29,119 --> 00:27:32,919
Speaker 3: me really really nervous because it's such an invasion of

437
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:39,359
Speaker 3: privacy that you're trying to help people and you're laying

438
00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:43,040
Speaker 3: out your pearls. You know, you're giving them your heart.

439
00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:46,080
Speaker 3: And you tell me sometimes I'm a bit too transparent,

440
00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:50,760
Speaker 3: but I'm giving you my heart. I'm sharing my story.

441
00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:56,439
Speaker 3: This is my life and this is our life. And

442
00:27:56,520 --> 00:28:01,959
Speaker 3: I feel like with that exposure, some people shouldn't have

443
00:28:02,119 --> 00:28:07,720
Speaker 3: that much exposure to us, or have that much access

444
00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:11,159
Speaker 3: to us. And so I'm not the one that's gonna

445
00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:14,399
Speaker 3: run and jump in front of a camera. I'm not

446
00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:17,720
Speaker 3: the one that's gonna jump and grab a mic and

447
00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:20,480
Speaker 3: then be scrutinized by millions.

448
00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:23,360
Speaker 7: I don't like it.

449
00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:27,800
Speaker 3: I don't know and they don't know me. Well, they

450
00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:31,159
Speaker 3: know what I give them, and so I and I

451
00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:35,359
Speaker 3: feel like I'm giving you my heart. Dude, So why

452
00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:39,840
Speaker 3: are you talking about whether the lace is showing on

453
00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:44,840
Speaker 3: my wig or if my makeup is not beat or

454
00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:50,280
Speaker 3: if this my nails aren't done. We're trying to help you.

455
00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:54,160
Speaker 3: It's not what we look like, it's who we are

456
00:28:54,480 --> 00:29:01,480
Speaker 3: giving you ourselves. Accept or reject, but don't criticize until

457
00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:04,560
Speaker 3: you've walked a mile in my shoes. And that kind

458
00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:08,400
Speaker 3: of makes me a little bothered. That's when Bonnie rises up.

459
00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:12,680
Speaker 3: Don't talk about my husband, don't talk about my children,

460
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:17,880
Speaker 3: don't talk about my staff, don't talk about anything that

461
00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:22,880
Speaker 3: is precious to me. I have a very close circle.

462
00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:26,239
Speaker 3: I don't have a lot of friends. I'm not going

463
00:29:26,320 --> 00:29:28,640
Speaker 3: to be hanging out with the girls on a girl

464
00:29:28,720 --> 00:29:32,480
Speaker 3: trip unless it's my daughter's. I don't roll like that.

465
00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:37,760
Speaker 3: My family and it's everything to me. And if you

466
00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:41,680
Speaker 3: say anything to about them, whether they're drunk or sober,

467
00:29:42,160 --> 00:29:46,720
Speaker 3: it doesn't matter to me. Those are my people. And

468
00:29:46,880 --> 00:29:50,400
Speaker 3: so when you're up there on the stage and doing

469
00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:53,600
Speaker 3: your thing, I'm watching the people, not as much as

470
00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:55,800
Speaker 3: your mom today.

471
00:29:56,320 --> 00:29:58,600
Speaker 7: You remember how Mom would turn around.

472
00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:03,080
Speaker 3: Mom would turn around from the stage walk and watch

473
00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:08,080
Speaker 3: the congregation, and I thought, it's it's but I watch

474
00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:13,560
Speaker 3: and I have somewhat of a discerning spirit, and so

475
00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:15,800
Speaker 3: I can kind of tell who's with you and who's

476
00:30:15,840 --> 00:30:17,840
Speaker 3: not with you, that sort of thing. But I just

477
00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:22,640
Speaker 3: don't like the fact the feedback that you have to

478
00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:25,920
Speaker 3: get back to fall out there. It comes with it.

479
00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:30,920
Speaker 7: And especially now with technology where they can make pictures,

480
00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:33,840
Speaker 7: they can make movies, they can say anything they want

481
00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:37,520
Speaker 7: to about you without consequence, and a lot of times,

482
00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:41,440
Speaker 7: yes you can sue them, but it's hard to sue

483
00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:46,360
Speaker 7: somebody who doesn't have anything. So after a while, your

484
00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:51,240
Speaker 7: attorney's bills are more than any recompense you get, and

485
00:30:51,320 --> 00:30:56,160
Speaker 7: you just you just walk away from it, set to

486
00:30:56,320 --> 00:30:59,160
Speaker 7: ignore it. Yeah, yeah, it's hard. It's hard for me

487
00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:00,959
Speaker 7: because I wanted to take you.

488
00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:04,760
Speaker 3: That's very hard. That's very hard. But I guess to

489
00:31:04,840 --> 00:31:07,680
Speaker 3: who much is given, much required?

490
00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:10,920
Speaker 7: And it's biblical. I mean, they said Jesus was me

491
00:31:10,960 --> 00:31:16,160
Speaker 7: as above. They accused him of everything imaginable, and and

492
00:31:16,520 --> 00:31:22,640
Speaker 7: I'm not comparing myself with Jesus, but the back, that's

493
00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:24,840
Speaker 7: the kind of thing you get. But I find that

494
00:31:24,880 --> 00:31:28,800
Speaker 7: the comments of the people is a reflection of how they.

495
00:31:28,640 --> 00:31:31,160
Speaker 3: Think or don't or can't.

496
00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:35,560
Speaker 7: Yeah, it's not a reflection of who I am. It's

497
00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:39,160
Speaker 7: a reflection of who they are and what they value

498
00:31:39,320 --> 00:31:42,040
Speaker 7: and what they would do if they were in my situation.

499
00:31:42,920 --> 00:31:48,440
Speaker 7: They don't always understand that you're always in the light.

500
00:31:48,600 --> 00:31:51,760
Speaker 7: With the moment you drive out your driveway, you are

501
00:31:51,800 --> 00:31:54,720
Speaker 7: in the light and you' and that's hard on your children.

502
00:31:55,080 --> 00:31:58,480
Speaker 7: It's very hard. It's unfair to your children because they

503
00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:00,920
Speaker 7: didn't pick this life. No, but they have to live

504
00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:03,200
Speaker 7: with this life and they have to grow up in

505
00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:05,880
Speaker 7: the spotlight and you they're just like your children. They

506
00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:08,960
Speaker 7: grow up right, they grow up wrong. They do things

507
00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:11,280
Speaker 7: you're worried about. They do things you don't approve of.

508
00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:13,320
Speaker 7: They and that's sparted growing up.

509
00:32:13,560 --> 00:32:14,280
Speaker 5: Yep uh.

510
00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:17,240
Speaker 7: And people can be so cooel I am amazed at

511
00:32:17,280 --> 00:32:21,000
Speaker 7: the things people can say in the comments that have

512
00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:24,280
Speaker 7: nothing to do with the message, nothing to do with

513
00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:27,080
Speaker 7: what you're doing for the Lord, nothing to do with

514
00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:30,320
Speaker 7: feeding the people that are hungry or home, nothing to

515
00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:33,200
Speaker 7: do with clothing the neck and nothing, and you're doing

516
00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:36,080
Speaker 7: that and that's what the picture is. And below they're

517
00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:40,640
Speaker 7: talking about look like you're gaining weight. You know. I

518
00:32:40,640 --> 00:32:44,160
Speaker 7: mean just just your mind is it is their mind,

519
00:32:44,200 --> 00:32:45,960
Speaker 7: it's their mind. It's their mind.

520
00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:49,240
Speaker 3: I think of that, yeah, because I just think social

521
00:32:49,280 --> 00:32:50,920
Speaker 3: media is not very social.

522
00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:54,720
Speaker 7: No, it's their mind. It's their mind. Whether it's hatred,

523
00:32:55,240 --> 00:33:00,240
Speaker 7: whether it's jealousy, whether it's envy. Uh, it's People speak

524
00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:04,800
Speaker 7: on the level that they think. And it's impossible to

525
00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:09,880
Speaker 7: speak on a higher level than you think. For if

526
00:33:09,960 --> 00:33:13,880
Speaker 7: you think down here, you can't talk up here. So

527
00:33:14,040 --> 00:33:18,280
Speaker 7: if you have an intelligent conversation, they'll pick out something,

528
00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:20,920
Speaker 7: even if they're not cruel, they'll pick out something like,

529
00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:25,120
Speaker 7: you know, I love that skirt, and you'll be talking

530
00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:29,520
Speaker 7: about how to have a lung replacement and they're talking

531
00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:34,040
Speaker 7: about your skirt. You know. Uh. People just think on

532
00:33:34,080 --> 00:33:36,920
Speaker 7: the level that they think. And you you, if you're

533
00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:40,120
Speaker 7: going to survive it, you cannot let them in. You

534
00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:44,840
Speaker 7: cannot put your thermostat in their room. Yes, that's the

535
00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:47,440
Speaker 7: only way to do it. And you have to get

536
00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:50,160
Speaker 7: where you don't care. It hurts, but you have to

537
00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:53,200
Speaker 7: get where you don't care. Now it hurts worse when

538
00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:57,480
Speaker 7: it's your kids. Man, It's dangerous where it takes you

539
00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:04,160
Speaker 7: at that point, because I'm very protective and she's very protective.

540
00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:06,960
Speaker 7: But we have gone through a lot of things together.

541
00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:13,640
Speaker 7: And that's what makes the anniversaries so special, Yes, because

542
00:34:13,680 --> 00:34:18,239
Speaker 7: they represent not how long we endured each other, but

543
00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:22,840
Speaker 7: how many milestones we crossed over, how many how many times,

544
00:34:23,160 --> 00:34:25,160
Speaker 7: how many chances we had to die.

545
00:34:25,960 --> 00:34:28,879
Speaker 3: And then to think that we've been together longer than

546
00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:31,960
Speaker 3: we've been alive for a part, Yeah.

547
00:34:31,800 --> 00:34:36,400
Speaker 7: You know, longer than we've been with our parents. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah,

548
00:34:36,560 --> 00:34:39,919
Speaker 7: I've been with you longer than i've been with my mother. Yeah. Yeah,

549
00:34:39,960 --> 00:34:45,040
Speaker 7: that's that's just that's that's crazy. Tyrese. Tyrese came in

550
00:34:45,480 --> 00:34:49,080
Speaker 7: with his whole heart on the table, And what you're

551
00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:53,240
Speaker 7: about to hear is what happens when a man decides,

552
00:34:53,800 --> 00:35:00,359
Speaker 7: when he finally decides to stop performing and start keeping

553
00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:04,920
Speaker 7: it real. When you talked about somebody like Denzel was

554
00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:07,120
Speaker 7: not your father. You didn't grow up in an environment

555
00:35:07,360 --> 00:35:10,719
Speaker 7: where you had a model to fit where you ended

556
00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:14,719
Speaker 7: up print, Yeah, no blueprint, anything like that. I think

557
00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:18,719
Speaker 7: every man and probably every woman yearned to have in

558
00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:24,080
Speaker 7: their parents, some sort of shape, measurement pattern, blueprint of

559
00:35:24,200 --> 00:35:26,479
Speaker 7: what they're going to and what they're going to be.

560
00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:31,640
Speaker 7: We looked from that from our father. My father got

561
00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:34,880
Speaker 7: sick when I was ten. He died when I was sixteen.

562
00:35:36,080 --> 00:35:40,120
Speaker 7: I realized when I was thirty that as I wept

563
00:35:40,239 --> 00:35:45,719
Speaker 7: for him, I was weeping for me. I recognized that

564
00:35:46,719 --> 00:35:49,719
Speaker 7: I wasn't just weeping at the loss of him. I

565
00:35:49,800 --> 00:35:52,920
Speaker 7: was weeping at the at the questions I didn't have answered,

566
00:35:53,480 --> 00:35:57,759
Speaker 7: at the things that I didn't have resolved. Did you

567
00:35:57,840 --> 00:35:59,840
Speaker 7: really love me? What did you really think of me?

568
00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:03,600
Speaker 7: Did you never got to see me win? When you

569
00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:09,480
Speaker 7: lost your father? It's part of the pain coming from

570
00:36:09,480 --> 00:36:11,000
Speaker 7: inside your own house.

571
00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:14,719
Speaker 5: This is what's interesting.

572
00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:23,200
Speaker 4: When my father passed away, rest in peace to that brother,

573
00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:24,640
Speaker 4: to that man.

574
00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:28,759
Speaker 5: I went to Saint.

575
00:36:28,520 --> 00:36:34,239
Speaker 4: Louis to see him stage four pancreatic cancer. Life was

576
00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:38,960
Speaker 4: riddled with alcoholism and cracked cocaine and just never quite

577
00:36:39,000 --> 00:36:46,160
Speaker 4: got his hands around figuring it out. And I said

578
00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:49,480
Speaker 4: to him, I just want you to know I forgive you,

579
00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:56,960
Speaker 4: and I wanted him to know why. I said, I

580
00:36:57,080 --> 00:37:02,279
Speaker 4: forgive you for not being there to protect me, for

581
00:37:02,440 --> 00:37:04,840
Speaker 4: not giving me the heads up of what's around the corner.

582
00:37:04,840 --> 00:37:07,560
Speaker 4: I don't know that he would have been anybody that

583
00:37:07,560 --> 00:37:11,200
Speaker 4: would have changed my life in business or changed you know.

584
00:37:11,239 --> 00:37:13,200
Speaker 4: I don't know that my father was ever a Berry

585
00:37:13,239 --> 00:37:16,000
Speaker 4: Gordy that could sit me down and say, son, don't

586
00:37:16,040 --> 00:37:20,560
Speaker 4: sign that deal, and here's why. But I said to him,

587
00:37:20,680 --> 00:37:24,440
Speaker 4: I forgive you. And then I realized that if my

588
00:37:24,640 --> 00:37:28,920
Speaker 4: mother rests in peace. Messed my life up with the

589
00:37:28,960 --> 00:37:34,040
Speaker 4: twenty seven years of alcohol, the verbal, emotional, psychological, and

590
00:37:34,120 --> 00:37:37,120
Speaker 4: physical abuse, and all of the abuse that was in

591
00:37:37,160 --> 00:37:40,160
Speaker 4: my house, and it still affected me to this day.

592
00:37:41,000 --> 00:37:44,319
Speaker 4: If I had my mother and my father at the

593
00:37:44,360 --> 00:37:49,439
Speaker 4: same house, I probably wouldn't be here. So I said,

594
00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:53,880
Speaker 4: I forgive you because just maybe God removed you out

595
00:37:53,960 --> 00:37:57,480
Speaker 4: of the house because I would have been a crackhead.

596
00:37:58,719 --> 00:38:02,319
Speaker 4: I would have been verbally and physically abusive to my

597
00:38:02,480 --> 00:38:05,480
Speaker 4: mother the way you were. There was other men that

598
00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:07,440
Speaker 4: came to my house that ended up doing it to

599
00:38:07,520 --> 00:38:11,600
Speaker 4: my mother ultimately. And so I was introduced to love,

600
00:38:12,280 --> 00:38:14,440
Speaker 4: and I was raised to believe that this is what

601
00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:17,640
Speaker 4: love is. Love is not kind, love is not gentle.

602
00:38:18,160 --> 00:38:22,120
Speaker 4: Love is verbally abusive, love is physically abusive. Love is

603
00:38:22,200 --> 00:38:25,160
Speaker 4: all of these things that I was raised in, and

604
00:38:25,200 --> 00:38:28,960
Speaker 4: so I would always find myself gravitating towards women that

605
00:38:29,040 --> 00:38:33,120
Speaker 4: I would be fighting and arguing being dysfunctional with, and

606
00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:36,480
Speaker 4: anybody else that any other version of love that I

607
00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:41,200
Speaker 4: was in the present of, felt soft, It felt it

608
00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:47,040
Speaker 4: felt boring. You ain't arguing, well, she must don't love

609
00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:49,400
Speaker 4: you if you ain't willing to fight and argue. And

610
00:38:49,480 --> 00:38:52,000
Speaker 4: so that's and so I have to I had to

611
00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:58,120
Speaker 4: say to him, thank you for removing yourself from my life.

612
00:38:58,680 --> 00:39:02,960
Speaker 4: Because if the crack coke and the alcoholism and everything

613
00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:07,120
Speaker 4: that you were doing, that would have all been an

614
00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:10,520
Speaker 4: impression that you would have made on my life that

615
00:39:10,680 --> 00:39:13,640
Speaker 4: as a grown man, I would have still been deeply

616
00:39:13,800 --> 00:39:17,440
Speaker 4: hurt by and affected by, because I would have been

617
00:39:17,600 --> 00:39:19,080
Speaker 4: raised by.

618
00:39:19,040 --> 00:39:20,520
Speaker 8: Another level of trauma.

619
00:39:20,800 --> 00:39:20,920
Speaker 2: Right.

620
00:39:22,040 --> 00:39:27,799
Speaker 4: So, as an example, you know, people love to look

621
00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:31,719
Speaker 4: at you Bishop Jakes and say, look at him in

622
00:39:31,800 --> 00:39:36,080
Speaker 4: the megachurch, look at him, what he's driving, what he's

623
00:39:36,120 --> 00:39:38,520
Speaker 4: living in, look at him with his wife, and look

624
00:39:38,520 --> 00:39:41,839
Speaker 4: at him with his daughter who's now out there on

625
00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:47,000
Speaker 4: stage changing lives and Sarah Jakes, who I'm so proud

626
00:39:47,040 --> 00:39:53,200
Speaker 4: of and I know you are, but they always look

627
00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:58,640
Speaker 4: at the fruits and the outcome, and even if you

628
00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:02,239
Speaker 4: make them aware of the strife and the struggles and

629
00:40:02,280 --> 00:40:05,879
Speaker 4: the stuff that the family had to navigate through. When

630
00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:08,759
Speaker 4: you mentioned you know, I remember I was preaching and

631
00:40:08,880 --> 00:40:12,600
Speaker 4: only had seventeen people in front of me. They have

632
00:40:12,800 --> 00:40:17,520
Speaker 4: no concept of really wrapping their heads around that, because

633
00:40:17,880 --> 00:40:21,680
Speaker 4: the version of Jake's Bishop Jakes that they're looking at

634
00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:27,320
Speaker 4: is on the grounds of forty books and mega church

635
00:40:27,680 --> 00:40:29,840
Speaker 4: and where you are now.

636
00:40:31,800 --> 00:40:37,440
Speaker 7: And they trap you in how they met you. They

637
00:40:37,520 --> 00:40:40,640
Speaker 7: don't recognize you wrote forty two books. They don't recognize

638
00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:43,840
Speaker 7: that you sold five hundred million dollars worth of movies.

639
00:40:44,120 --> 00:40:47,359
Speaker 7: They want to put you in a place where they

640
00:40:47,400 --> 00:40:51,759
Speaker 7: can assault you with their implications of you and.

641
00:40:51,800 --> 00:40:53,120
Speaker 8: You are how I met you.

642
00:40:53,280 --> 00:40:55,040
Speaker 7: Yeah, you are how I met you, And you are

643
00:40:55,120 --> 00:40:57,440
Speaker 7: who I met you. And that's what I meant earlier

644
00:40:57,520 --> 00:41:00,279
Speaker 7: when I was talking about you know, you have to

645
00:41:00,320 --> 00:41:03,120
Speaker 7: live with that guy who grew up in that Ballador home.

646
00:41:03,320 --> 00:41:06,200
Speaker 7: He's still in there, yes, sir, okay. And money didn't

647
00:41:06,239 --> 00:41:09,319
Speaker 7: take him away, and movies didn't take him away, and

648
00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:12,240
Speaker 7: books didn't take him away. He's still there. He bottled

649
00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:16,520
Speaker 7: up somewhere inside and then this unresolved issue which I

650
00:41:16,560 --> 00:41:19,360
Speaker 7: can relate to. My father wasn't an alcoholic, but I

651
00:41:19,360 --> 00:41:26,920
Speaker 7: can relate to an unresolved issue with your father is complicated.

652
00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:30,239
Speaker 7: And let me ask you this, at what point or

653
00:41:30,400 --> 00:41:33,440
Speaker 7: did you have a moment that you recognized that you

654
00:41:33,520 --> 00:41:34,240
Speaker 7: were an orphan?

655
00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:41,600
Speaker 4: Yeah, that hit me a month ago, and how did

656
00:41:41,640 --> 00:41:52,520
Speaker 4: that feel. The idea of being an orphan was something

657
00:41:52,640 --> 00:42:00,759
Speaker 4: that we've seen on television documentaries, specifically throughout Africa, right,

658
00:42:01,080 --> 00:42:03,440
Speaker 4: you know, like, oh, this is village of kids that

659
00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:07,120
Speaker 4: are or friends because they mother and father died of hiva,

660
00:42:07,600 --> 00:42:10,879
Speaker 4: or you know, a bunch of bad guys came in

661
00:42:10,920 --> 00:42:13,680
Speaker 4: and killed a bunch of people. And now here's these

662
00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:16,760
Speaker 4: foundations raising kids as orphans.

663
00:42:17,120 --> 00:42:17,239
Speaker 7: Right.

664
00:42:17,360 --> 00:42:22,279
Speaker 4: And so when they delivered my father's ashes to my

665
00:42:22,480 --> 00:42:27,440
Speaker 4: house and I was able to put my father's ashes

666
00:42:27,640 --> 00:42:32,160
Speaker 4: next to my mother's ashes, I said, my mother and

667
00:42:32,239 --> 00:42:35,040
Speaker 4: father haven't lived under the same roof.

668
00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:37,520
Speaker 5: Since they divorced.

669
00:42:37,760 --> 00:42:40,680
Speaker 7: Wow, and now they're here.

670
00:42:43,040 --> 00:42:45,400
Speaker 4: My mother and my father never even made it to

671
00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:48,680
Speaker 4: my house that I've been living in Atlanta for nine years.

672
00:42:48,880 --> 00:42:49,080
Speaker 7: Wow.

673
00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:52,279
Speaker 4: So this is their first time living under the same

674
00:42:52,360 --> 00:43:00,560
Speaker 4: roof with their son. And then I thought, well, at

675
00:43:00,640 --> 00:43:07,800
Speaker 4: least they're here. And then I'm a bit of a

676
00:43:09,520 --> 00:43:14,600
Speaker 4: junkie for the sense of humor of God. So I'm

677
00:43:14,640 --> 00:43:19,160
Speaker 4: thinking to myself, my mother and father are finally under

678
00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:23,360
Speaker 4: the same roof with they baby boy, right, and my

679
00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:27,560
Speaker 4: mother died on Valentine's Day after giving birth to an

680
00:43:27,680 --> 00:43:30,799
Speaker 4: R and B singer. If you're not booked do any

681
00:43:30,880 --> 00:43:34,080
Speaker 4: concerts throughout the year as a singer, You're likely going

682
00:43:34,160 --> 00:43:38,480
Speaker 4: to get booked on Valentine's Day. And so there's a

683
00:43:38,560 --> 00:43:44,520
Speaker 4: sense of humor in that. And then I always have

684
00:43:44,680 --> 00:43:47,480
Speaker 4: my mother and father's ashes. I don't always announce it

685
00:43:47,520 --> 00:43:51,000
Speaker 4: to everybody, but every meeting and conversation that I have,

686
00:43:52,000 --> 00:43:54,840
Speaker 4: I always have my mother and father's ashes in the

687
00:43:54,920 --> 00:43:59,200
Speaker 4: room with me because I want them to know how

688
00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:06,320
Speaker 4: proud I am of them for doing the best they could.

689
00:44:07,520 --> 00:44:11,160
Speaker 7: And when nobody's around. Do you ever talk to them?

690
00:44:11,800 --> 00:44:13,920
Speaker 5: Yes, yes, I do.

691
00:44:14,880 --> 00:44:15,960
Speaker 7: It's form of therapy.

692
00:44:16,239 --> 00:44:16,439
Speaker 5: Yeah.

693
00:44:16,520 --> 00:44:19,400
Speaker 4: I always say, Mama, I don't know what's about to happen,

694
00:44:19,440 --> 00:44:22,719
Speaker 4: but they pulling up right now and and and just

695
00:44:22,800 --> 00:44:25,720
Speaker 4: cover me. I know you was always a praying mama,

696
00:44:25,719 --> 00:44:28,279
Speaker 4: and I know you're still with me, Mom, So just

697
00:44:28,360 --> 00:44:31,279
Speaker 4: pray for me. I might not have the words in

698
00:44:31,360 --> 00:44:34,759
Speaker 4: this meeting, but I wanted to be something. And then

699
00:44:35,400 --> 00:44:44,640
Speaker 4: the biggest thing is I don't have it all figured out.

700
00:44:44,760 --> 00:44:49,279
Speaker 4: That I don't, and that scares me.

701
00:44:50,320 --> 00:44:56,800
Speaker 7: Sarah Jakes, there's something powerful about watching your child find

702
00:44:56,840 --> 00:45:00,160
Speaker 7: their own voice. I can't even explain it. It's it's

703
00:45:00,160 --> 00:45:02,600
Speaker 7: a different feeling. You'd have to be a parent to

704
00:45:02,719 --> 00:45:06,560
Speaker 7: listen and hear that voice coming out of your daughter.

705
00:45:07,080 --> 00:45:11,800
Speaker 7: Sarah didn't just find hers, she used it to set

706
00:45:11,960 --> 00:45:16,960
Speaker 7: others free. You talked about your bonus children, and it

707
00:45:17,000 --> 00:45:24,400
Speaker 7: made me think about you married a pastor one judge, La,

708
00:45:24,600 --> 00:45:28,440
Speaker 7: You married a pastor who had gone through a divorce. Okay,

709
00:45:29,080 --> 00:45:34,360
Speaker 7: that's not uncommon now we see more. You had gone

710
00:45:34,360 --> 00:45:39,600
Speaker 7: through a divorce, bought a house here in Dallas, taking

711
00:45:39,640 --> 00:45:44,400
Speaker 7: care of yourself, always been independent, always been resourceful. Was

712
00:45:44,719 --> 00:45:48,000
Speaker 7: getting a degree in accounting at first, and so you

713
00:45:48,080 --> 00:45:50,920
Speaker 7: handled your money well. And you did all of that

714
00:45:51,120 --> 00:45:55,160
Speaker 7: very well, so you didn't necessarily need somebody to help

715
00:45:55,239 --> 00:45:57,600
Speaker 7: take care of you. You could take care of yourself.

716
00:45:57,600 --> 00:46:01,120
Speaker 7: I'm very proud of that. Out of that, one of

717
00:46:01,160 --> 00:46:04,239
Speaker 7: my goals in life was to raise daughters that might

718
00:46:04,320 --> 00:46:07,160
Speaker 7: want a man, but don't need one in order to

719
00:46:07,200 --> 00:46:09,319
Speaker 7: be able to be so sufficient and be able to

720
00:46:09,360 --> 00:46:11,960
Speaker 7: sustain themselves. You have lived up to that to the

721
00:46:12,000 --> 00:46:16,400
Speaker 7: highest degree. But you came into you you fell in

722
00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:19,759
Speaker 7: love with this dude who's a pastor, who turned out

723
00:46:19,800 --> 00:46:23,279
Speaker 7: to be a wonderful guy. After I examined him, Yes,

724
00:46:23,440 --> 00:46:28,560
Speaker 7: I examined him with a stethoscope, asked him everything you

725
00:46:28,600 --> 00:46:30,799
Speaker 7: could think of in the world, and looking in his

726
00:46:30,880 --> 00:46:33,880
Speaker 7: eye like this, trying to see because I never wanted

727
00:46:33,920 --> 00:46:38,760
Speaker 7: you to ever be hurt again. What was amazing though,

728
00:46:39,000 --> 00:46:43,160
Speaker 7: his wife, who your bonus children that still have a relationship.

729
00:46:43,280 --> 00:46:46,520
Speaker 7: Of course, that's their mother, but she was in the church.

730
00:46:47,719 --> 00:46:52,279
Speaker 7: I come out to California, y'all to have dinner with

731
00:46:52,320 --> 00:46:55,640
Speaker 7: my daughter and her new husband and some of his

732
00:46:55,800 --> 00:46:57,759
Speaker 7: relatives and what have you. And my wife and I

733
00:46:57,800 --> 00:47:01,959
Speaker 7: come out there. I didn't even realize who the girl

734
00:47:02,160 --> 00:47:06,719
Speaker 7: was until I looked past and my wife said to me,

735
00:47:06,800 --> 00:47:11,000
Speaker 7: you know who that is, don't you? And she told me,

736
00:47:11,080 --> 00:47:15,320
Speaker 7: and I said, get out of here. She is heaving

737
00:47:16,640 --> 00:47:22,560
Speaker 7: his ex wife over at her house for dinner. And

738
00:47:22,600 --> 00:47:28,000
Speaker 7: you never made war. I think the world beast here.

739
00:47:29,320 --> 00:47:31,600
Speaker 7: How did you do that. I mean, now she lives

740
00:47:31,600 --> 00:47:34,879
Speaker 7: out here in Dallas. You know, she comes to church

741
00:47:34,920 --> 00:47:37,919
Speaker 7: from time to time. We've interacted, and so the ex

742
00:47:38,000 --> 00:47:41,120
Speaker 7: wife and the new wife get along with you with

743
00:47:41,200 --> 00:47:46,399
Speaker 7: each other without pulling each other's hair out. And I

744
00:47:46,440 --> 00:47:49,160
Speaker 7: saw you put the work into that and her put

745
00:47:49,200 --> 00:47:52,800
Speaker 7: the work into finding a way to make it work.

746
00:47:53,440 --> 00:47:57,279
Speaker 7: Talk to people who are going through the complications of

747
00:47:57,320 --> 00:48:02,799
Speaker 7: blended family, baby mama drama, ex wives, ex husbands. Very

748
00:48:02,800 --> 00:48:05,560
Speaker 7: few people navigate that kind of stuff very well.

749
00:48:05,920 --> 00:48:09,319
Speaker 6: Well, you know, I have to say, I think it's

750
00:48:10,719 --> 00:48:15,959
Speaker 6: multi layered in that her pt was very honoring in

751
00:48:16,320 --> 00:48:20,640
Speaker 6: their transition and their divorce, and so to my knowledge,

752
00:48:20,640 --> 00:48:25,759
Speaker 6: there wasn't any vitriol towards him. And so I mean,

753
00:48:25,800 --> 00:48:28,080
Speaker 6: obviously you're not married to someone that long and it's

754
00:48:28,120 --> 00:48:31,720
Speaker 6: just a happy separation, but there wasn't this deep sense

755
00:48:31,760 --> 00:48:35,120
Speaker 6: of betrayal and dishonoring, and so it was as amiable

756
00:48:35,360 --> 00:48:39,680
Speaker 6: well as a divorce can be so complicated. But when

757
00:48:39,920 --> 00:48:44,840
Speaker 6: he and I got married, I think we wanted the

758
00:48:44,880 --> 00:48:47,600
Speaker 6: same things for the kids, and I didn't want to

759
00:48:47,640 --> 00:48:50,319
Speaker 6: bring my kids into a toxic situation, and I don't

760
00:48:50,320 --> 00:48:52,920
Speaker 6: think she wanted her kids in a toxic situation. I

761
00:48:52,960 --> 00:48:55,000
Speaker 6: don't think that she would have volunteered to go to dinner.

762
00:48:55,040 --> 00:48:56,800
Speaker 6: To me, I wouldn't have volunteered to go to dinner

763
00:48:56,840 --> 00:48:59,000
Speaker 6: with her. But do we want to say it's homework

764
00:48:59,040 --> 00:49:01,960
Speaker 6: turned in? Do we want him on time for his

765
00:49:02,040 --> 00:49:06,040
Speaker 6: field trip? Absolutely? And you know, no slight to pt

766
00:49:06,400 --> 00:49:08,520
Speaker 6: like he's not necessarily in the nuts and bolts of

767
00:49:08,560 --> 00:49:10,160
Speaker 6: like what kind of snack does he need? And does

768
00:49:10,280 --> 00:49:12,480
Speaker 6: need a paper sacked lunch today? And so I was

769
00:49:12,520 --> 00:49:14,920
Speaker 6: communicating with him, like trying to get information as the

770
00:49:15,000 --> 00:49:16,840
Speaker 6: kids were coming over, and finally it's kind of like,

771
00:49:16,880 --> 00:49:20,680
Speaker 6: can I just talk to her directly? And we wanted

772
00:49:20,760 --> 00:49:23,759
Speaker 6: the same things for the kids, and then she was likable,

773
00:49:23,880 --> 00:49:25,839
Speaker 6: like we laughed at the same thing, like girl, this

774
00:49:25,920 --> 00:49:28,160
Speaker 6: teacher get on our nurves. And we began to build

775
00:49:28,200 --> 00:49:31,160
Speaker 6: a rapport primarily because we wanted the same thing for

776
00:49:31,239 --> 00:49:33,560
Speaker 6: the kids. And so I think that if you're blending

777
00:49:33,560 --> 00:49:35,120
Speaker 6: a family, the first thing you have to do is

778
00:49:35,160 --> 00:49:37,440
Speaker 6: make sure that you and your partner have the same

779
00:49:37,880 --> 00:49:41,400
Speaker 6: goals and ideas for what successful family and parenting looks

780
00:49:41,440 --> 00:49:44,960
Speaker 6: like before you even include the external or ex partners.

781
00:49:45,239 --> 00:49:47,120
Speaker 6: It's like, do you and this person have the same

782
00:49:47,160 --> 00:49:49,719
Speaker 6: ideas about what family looks like, what marriage looks like.

783
00:49:50,200 --> 00:49:52,360
Speaker 6: When pt and I were first blending our family, I

784
00:49:52,360 --> 00:49:55,560
Speaker 6: didn't discipline his children. He did discip discipline line, we

785
00:49:55,680 --> 00:49:57,840
Speaker 6: have a little huddle. I don't think that's appropriate. I

786
00:49:57,840 --> 00:49:59,640
Speaker 6: don't think it's appropriate how to handle it. And then

787
00:49:59,680 --> 00:50:02,319
Speaker 6: whoever never had the closer bond showed up for that

788
00:50:02,400 --> 00:50:05,480
Speaker 6: child until we got to know one another. We dated

789
00:50:05,680 --> 00:50:07,640
Speaker 6: with the children, so we would take the kids on

790
00:50:07,719 --> 00:50:09,799
Speaker 6: group dates so that they weren't just thrust into this

791
00:50:09,920 --> 00:50:12,560
Speaker 6: family dynamic. And so I think that those types of

792
00:50:12,640 --> 00:50:16,759
Speaker 6: things lay the foundation, but ultimately the mutual desire to

793
00:50:16,800 --> 00:50:19,200
Speaker 6: create a safe haven for the children allowed us to

794
00:50:19,239 --> 00:50:22,200
Speaker 6: blame the family. And I think that it's difficult when

795
00:50:22,280 --> 00:50:24,640
Speaker 6: people aren't at a space yet where they aren't over

796
00:50:24,680 --> 00:50:27,160
Speaker 6: the hurt, they aren't over the separation. They still feel

797
00:50:27,160 --> 00:50:29,520
Speaker 6: in some way they were wrong, and so they want

798
00:50:29,600 --> 00:50:33,160
Speaker 6: to hold the partner accountable by how they show up

799
00:50:33,160 --> 00:50:35,759
Speaker 6: in their relationship with the children. And I think that

800
00:50:35,800 --> 00:50:38,600
Speaker 6: there is a level of healing, forgiveness, release that you

801
00:50:38,719 --> 00:50:41,440
Speaker 6: have to have in order to preserve what's left for

802
00:50:41,520 --> 00:50:45,160
Speaker 6: the children and their childhood and future. And I think

803
00:50:45,160 --> 00:50:46,839
Speaker 6: that we were on the same page about that.

804
00:50:47,040 --> 00:50:50,560
Speaker 7: Yeah, that's very unusual. I mean one thing, I see

805
00:50:50,600 --> 00:50:54,480
Speaker 7: what you mean that the common bond was the welfare

806
00:50:54,480 --> 00:50:56,640
Speaker 7: of the children and what was best for them. That's

807
00:50:56,680 --> 00:50:59,040
Speaker 7: what it's supposed to be. That's supposed to be the

808
00:50:59,080 --> 00:51:03,920
Speaker 7: primary goal. But that's also very, very difficult because there's insecurities.

809
00:51:04,560 --> 00:51:07,720
Speaker 7: You know, who wants your ex wife or ex husband

810
00:51:07,800 --> 00:51:11,080
Speaker 7: hanging around? You know, if you had to be very

811
00:51:11,160 --> 00:51:15,080
Speaker 7: secure in your relationship with PT, he had to be

812
00:51:15,239 --> 00:51:20,080
Speaker 7: very antigrist in his relationship with her. Very seldom do

813
00:51:20,120 --> 00:51:25,799
Speaker 7: you find these ideal situations. There's simple jealousies. You got

814
00:51:25,800 --> 00:51:27,520
Speaker 7: your arm around her. I don't want to see you

815
00:51:27,560 --> 00:51:30,680
Speaker 7: with your arm around her. You know, you all kissing

816
00:51:30,719 --> 00:51:33,239
Speaker 7: in the kitchen, back out of the kids. There's all

817
00:51:33,320 --> 00:51:36,239
Speaker 7: kinds of stuff that can go wrong, which goes back

818
00:51:36,239 --> 00:51:40,040
Speaker 7: to my original point. Just because something is hard doesn't

819
00:51:40,080 --> 00:51:43,239
Speaker 7: mean you throw it away and you work through it.

820
00:51:43,280 --> 00:51:46,880
Speaker 7: And I watched you work through it with grace and

821
00:51:47,360 --> 00:51:50,840
Speaker 7: be nice and fixed plates and do all of that

822
00:51:50,960 --> 00:51:53,960
Speaker 7: kind of stuff. And I've watched her act like you

823
00:51:54,040 --> 00:51:58,160
Speaker 7: were cool, you know, and and I think that's a

824
00:51:58,440 --> 00:52:02,640
Speaker 7: there's something that that our world needs to learn from that,

825
00:52:03,080 --> 00:52:09,000
Speaker 7: not just marriages, but the country. We kill anybody who's different,

826
00:52:10,360 --> 00:52:13,680
Speaker 7: we destroyed below. We got to be better than somebody else.

827
00:52:15,000 --> 00:52:20,160
Speaker 7: We're losing our sense. Pete preached the message recently the

828
00:52:20,239 --> 00:52:24,480
Speaker 7: love of many has waxed cold. That phrase just stays

829
00:52:24,560 --> 00:52:27,960
Speaker 7: with me. The love of many has waxed cold. You

830
00:52:28,480 --> 00:52:32,520
Speaker 7: had to have a warm love that enabled you to

831
00:52:32,560 --> 00:52:37,000
Speaker 7: do that, where you put others above yourself. And I

832
00:52:37,040 --> 00:52:41,160
Speaker 7: think when you are narcissistic, you have a proclivity that

833
00:52:41,200 --> 00:52:44,319
Speaker 7: says it's about me, it's not about her. This is

834
00:52:44,400 --> 00:52:47,200
Speaker 7: our house. I don't want her in our house, this

835
00:52:47,280 --> 00:52:49,880
Speaker 7: is our dinner table. I don't want her around our table,

836
00:52:50,040 --> 00:52:53,120
Speaker 7: or her saying I ain't coming in her house. I

837
00:52:53,160 --> 00:52:55,640
Speaker 7: don't want to sit around her table. You have to.

838
00:52:56,880 --> 00:53:01,800
Speaker 7: There is no love without sacrifice. There is the cost

839
00:53:02,080 --> 00:53:06,640
Speaker 7: of love is sacrificed to some degree, not abuse ray,

840
00:53:07,239 --> 00:53:10,120
Speaker 7: but you have to give an inch to hope for

841
00:53:10,200 --> 00:53:12,040
Speaker 7: a mile. Do you agree totally?

842
00:53:13,080 --> 00:53:14,800
Speaker 6: And that's not to say that we didn't have challenges,

843
00:53:14,840 --> 00:53:16,960
Speaker 6: because she and I talked about this on my podcast,

844
00:53:17,200 --> 00:53:19,080
Speaker 6: Because like I sent the kids home with cookies. She

845
00:53:19,080 --> 00:53:20,920
Speaker 6: said she grew the cookies in the charge and felt,

846
00:53:21,080 --> 00:53:23,319
Speaker 6: you know what I meaning adult, I don't care how

847
00:53:23,360 --> 00:53:24,800
Speaker 6: And then she said one that she tried, and she's like,

848
00:53:24,840 --> 00:53:28,520
Speaker 6: I'll never throw those cookies away. And when our oldest

849
00:53:28,600 --> 00:53:31,560
Speaker 6: daughter was getting married, she wanted her dad and her

850
00:53:31,600 --> 00:53:34,080
Speaker 6: mom to walk her down the aisle and I couldn't help,

851
00:53:34,120 --> 00:53:37,560
Speaker 6: and I was officiating with her with my husband, and

852
00:53:37,640 --> 00:53:41,080
Speaker 6: so so pt and his ex wife or her mom

853
00:53:41,120 --> 00:53:43,600
Speaker 6: and dad are walking her down the aisle, and I'm

854
00:53:43,640 --> 00:53:46,480
Speaker 6: standing there as the efficient, and I'm thinking to myself,

855
00:53:46,920 --> 00:53:49,080
Speaker 6: you know, I'm sure that this is what they dreamed of,

856
00:53:49,880 --> 00:53:51,880
Speaker 6: you know what I mean when they first got married.

857
00:53:51,960 --> 00:53:54,319
Speaker 6: No one gets married to get divorced. They probably thought

858
00:53:54,320 --> 00:53:58,920
Speaker 6: that they would have this moment together. And so recognizing

859
00:53:59,120 --> 00:54:04,080
Speaker 6: that I, you know, our love and life has modified

860
00:54:04,120 --> 00:54:09,480
Speaker 6: and altered that story, it makes me compassionate as well.

861
00:54:10,040 --> 00:54:12,640
Speaker 6: When we went dress shopping for that same daughter, I

862
00:54:12,680 --> 00:54:15,960
Speaker 6: took picture. I took the picture of them together and

863
00:54:16,000 --> 00:54:17,919
Speaker 6: then she goes, no, we want you win it too.

864
00:54:18,440 --> 00:54:20,400
Speaker 6: And so I do think that there's this level of

865
00:54:20,520 --> 00:54:23,000
Speaker 6: empathy because I'm like, no one's going dress shopping thinking

866
00:54:23,040 --> 00:54:25,239
Speaker 6: that their husband's new wife is going to be with them,

867
00:54:25,280 --> 00:54:28,520
Speaker 6: I'm cool, take the picture, And after I took the picture,

868
00:54:28,760 --> 00:54:30,319
Speaker 6: she's like, I want you in it. And so I

869
00:54:30,360 --> 00:54:33,040
Speaker 6: do think that she has the same compassion that I

870
00:54:33,080 --> 00:54:35,799
Speaker 6: experienced in the children I've seen firsthand from their mother,

871
00:54:35,920 --> 00:54:38,799
Speaker 6: and I respect that because the compassion and love I

872
00:54:38,840 --> 00:54:41,000
Speaker 6: experienced from her children has made my whole better.

873
00:54:41,640 --> 00:54:45,120
Speaker 7: When you start talking about women in general, not just

874
00:54:45,440 --> 00:54:49,880
Speaker 7: this case here, how do you avoid being defensive?

875
00:54:50,480 --> 00:54:53,440
Speaker 6: Well, I think context is that I used to. I

876
00:54:53,920 --> 00:54:57,200
Speaker 6: haven't always been a girls girl because I felt like

877
00:54:57,280 --> 00:54:59,480
Speaker 6: women who were better than I was, who didn't have

878
00:54:59,520 --> 00:55:01,840
Speaker 6: the scars that I didn't have, who were more successful

879
00:55:01,840 --> 00:55:03,440
Speaker 6: than I was, thought that they were better than me,

880
00:55:03,920 --> 00:55:05,480
Speaker 6: and so I thought I'd beat them to the punch

881
00:55:05,520 --> 00:55:08,919
Speaker 6: and being judgmental and critical with them and so, which

882
00:55:08,920 --> 00:55:11,680
Speaker 6: made me defensive with the other women. So I see

883
00:55:12,000 --> 00:55:14,360
Speaker 6: women who aren't at a space where they're ready to

884
00:55:14,560 --> 00:55:17,320
Speaker 6: support and encourage other women as women who are still healing,

885
00:55:17,800 --> 00:55:19,840
Speaker 6: because there's no way that you can really live in

886
00:55:19,840 --> 00:55:21,760
Speaker 6: the fullness of what it needs to be a woman,

887
00:55:21,960 --> 00:55:24,720
Speaker 6: the difficulty that comes with that, the beauty that comes

888
00:55:24,760 --> 00:55:27,960
Speaker 6: with it, the challenges, and look at another woman and

889
00:55:28,000 --> 00:55:29,680
Speaker 6: hate on her unless there's a party of you that

890
00:55:29,719 --> 00:55:32,560
Speaker 6: hates a bit of yourself and so I don't take

891
00:55:32,600 --> 00:55:33,239
Speaker 6: it personally.

892
00:55:33,520 --> 00:55:39,800
Speaker 7: Wow, that's a stegni. You're gonna looks. In other words,

893
00:55:40,120 --> 00:55:44,279
Speaker 7: it's you're reflecting. You're reflecting the anger that you have

894
00:55:44,440 --> 00:55:47,600
Speaker 7: toward her. You're reflecting. I think that's also true with men.

895
00:55:49,040 --> 00:55:51,319
Speaker 7: I've never seen a man who beat his wife and

896
00:55:51,360 --> 00:55:54,080
Speaker 7: loved himself. Hey everybody, I want to take this time

897
00:55:54,160 --> 00:55:58,440
Speaker 7: to thank you for watching the Next Chapter podcast. If

898
00:55:58,440 --> 00:56:02,920
Speaker 7: this conversation inspired you, helped you reflect on an idea,

899
00:56:03,280 --> 00:56:08,280
Speaker 7: or spark something new inside of you, make sure to like, comment,

900
00:56:08,760 --> 00:56:15,560
Speaker 7: and subscribe so you don't miss future episodes. Remember, life

901
00:56:15,719 --> 00:56:19,840
Speaker 7: isn't about how you begin, it's about how you finished strong.

902
00:56:20,600 --> 00:56:26,520
Speaker 7: So start your next chapter with us right here every

903
00:56:26,560 --> 00:56:27,040
Speaker 7: week