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Speaker 1: Previously on Brewster High. It's the spring Ultimate Frisbee Championship

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Speaker 1: and starting center disappointed it's her own Brady prefer Brewster

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Speaker 1: High star frisbee player has been horrifically injured in an

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Speaker 1: unexpected tackle. There's something fishy about the way Brady got

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Speaker 1: injured during the frisbee game. Good a week to bring

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Speaker 1: me anything interesting about Brady's injury. Come find me at

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Speaker 1: the tennis court. No one can know him here. It's

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Speaker 1: important Brady Brewster is at a wellness resort. I don't

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Speaker 1: know what Brady's at, but it isn't at a wellness resort.

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Speaker 1: What is going on with you? Hide? It's not likely

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Speaker 1: to get a boner in Mrs Bagley's class. Jonathan, Am

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Speaker 1: I going to see you at class? I don't want

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Speaker 1: to hear about TikTok. I don't know what that means.

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Speaker 1: Good morning, Mr Nelson? Are you ready to hear the

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Speaker 1: next installment of my ten part series of articles about

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Speaker 1: life at Brewster High? Clara, I just walked in. School

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Speaker 1: hasn't even started yet. I just want to sit in

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Speaker 1: my coffee a little bit. High school is a lot

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Speaker 1: like a game of Ultimate Frisbee. There's winners and there's losers.

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Speaker 1: Yesterday the students were the winners and the wolves were

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Speaker 1: the losers. But those wolves were child's play compared to

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Speaker 1: what fate had coming up for everyone. Starting with next

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Speaker 1: month's big dance, the Charity Ball, the scramble for dates

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Speaker 1: had begun. Every day the pool of unclaimed partners was

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Speaker 1: getting smaller. Brady Brewster was going to be Brind's date,

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Speaker 1: but now that he's missing, Brind's left to find a

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Speaker 1: new date. But first things first, first period, specifically, which

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Speaker 1: is home Economics taught by Coach Bagley's wife, Mrs Bagley.

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Speaker 1: Settled down, class, settled down. We have a lot to

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Speaker 1: cover today. I hope everyone rench after the eighteen through

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Speaker 1: twenty you're late for class? What is it? How my

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Speaker 1: baby is stuck alone in a high air balloon? And

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Speaker 1: that hypothetical situation is exactly what we'll be learning to

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Speaker 1: avoid with today's lesson. Thank you for that demonstration ago,

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Speaker 1: you can take your seat. I just want to let

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Speaker 1: everyone know that I did a lot of research at

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Speaker 1: the annual Santa Fe Hot Air Balloon Festival. I put

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Speaker 1: a real live baby in a hot air balloon and

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Speaker 1: let it fly away. Then watched how the mother reacted,

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Speaker 1: and that's what I was tapping into with my own performance.

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Speaker 1: Just now, she was traumatized. The mother was traumatized and

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Speaker 1: so scared psychotic. Okay, quiet down, Quiet down, Okay. So

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Speaker 1: each of you on your desk has a digital baby.

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Speaker 1: It might look like a small ZIP drive, but I

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Speaker 1: want you to think of it as a real baby,

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Speaker 1: a real baby with the computing power of a whole

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Speaker 1: room full of babies. We're going to learn about all

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Speaker 1: the terrible things that can happen to a baby, and

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Speaker 1: only by worrying about your baby obsessively can you get

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Speaker 1: better at avoiding these problems, like the problem of being

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Speaker 1: trapped in a hot air balloon exact. We now, I

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Speaker 1: certainly don't discourage high school students from having sex. I mean,

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Speaker 1: you're all curious, and if it's not outright intercourse, there's

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Speaker 1: still all sorts of other monkey businesses that can cause

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Speaker 1: a pregnancy, like turkey based for play, which is why

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Speaker 1: you need to be taught what a serious responsibility being

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Speaker 1: a parent is. For the next two days, you kids

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Speaker 1: will be mommy's and daddy's to your very own electronic babies. Okay,

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Speaker 1: everybody pressed that green button on the screen. See what happens.

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Speaker 1: These are state of the art baby simulator fs. These

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Speaker 1: babies need to be burped, fed, diapered, and most importantly

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Speaker 1: loved and also recharged every eighteen hours. Yes, Nicole, if

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Speaker 1: we hire a babysitter, can they just take care of

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Speaker 1: our digital babies for us, you know, like real parents

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Speaker 1: do in the real world. If only life were that easy.

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Speaker 1: But it's very difficult to find a reliable sitter, which

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Speaker 1: is why many people end up hiring an O pair.

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Speaker 1: So if you can find an O pair, then yes,

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Speaker 1: that would be an acceptable solution for this assignment. You know.

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Speaker 1: Come to think of it, having a baby in high

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Speaker 1: school could be pretty manageable, maybe even fun. So that's

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Speaker 1: class for today. Your homework is to read chapter fourteen

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Speaker 1: by Thursday, and also to take care of your babies

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Speaker 1: or hire someone else to gosh, these classes just keep

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Speaker 1: getting shorter and shorter. Leaving home that class was interesting,

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Speaker 1: but not half as interesting as walking into the school

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Speaker 1: newspaper classroom. Hey, Mr Nelson, I see you finished your

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Speaker 1: coffee from this morning. What is it now, Clara? Remember

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Speaker 1: how I wrote that article a few months ago. It

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Speaker 1: was about how brince father killed up Wala and then

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Speaker 1: it ruined their lives. Yes, I remember well. I was

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Speaker 1: thinking of doing a follow up story, kind of a

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Speaker 1: where is she now sort of thing, might help increase

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Speaker 1: the newspapers circulation. Well, newspapers are automatically headed out to

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Speaker 1: every single student anyway, so I guess I really don't care. Great,

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Speaker 1: thanks Mr Nelson. I can't wait to tell Brand. She's

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Speaker 1: probably in one of the hallways somewhere. Attention. Brewster High

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Speaker 1: Principal Fairweather wants everyone to know that Brady Brewster is

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Speaker 1: just fine. She's at a wellness resort because he was

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Speaker 1: hooked on eating drugs, and now that you know, she

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Speaker 1: fully expects you to respect Brady's privacy and not start

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Speaker 1: immediately gossiping about it. Hey Liam, Hey Brand, what's up?

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Speaker 1: You know? The charity ball is coming up in my date.

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Speaker 1: Brady's missing and you're the new kid, so no one

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Speaker 1: will ever ask you. So I was wondering if maybe

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Speaker 1: we should go too good as like, what are you

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Speaker 1: gonna wear? Well, I was thinking of wearing about Koala

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Speaker 1: scan you can make a fur dress out of the

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Speaker 1: Koala you killed from the Brewster Bay Zoo. I'm not

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Speaker 1: a Koala killer. I'm a Koala killer's daughter. Attention, Brewster High,

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Speaker 1: Hide and Clara are having a conversation an end the hallway. Yo, Clara, No, shoot,

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Speaker 1: you made me drop my baby. So what's your take

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Speaker 1: on Principal fair Weather? You think she's lying about where

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Speaker 1: Brady is? Maybe I want to get into her office

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Speaker 1: and poke around, but there's no way in. It's locked

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Speaker 1: up tighter than a non safety deposit box on Thanksgiving? Rats, Rats, Huh,

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Speaker 1: that's it? Rats. We can train one to sneak in

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Speaker 1: without tripping any of the alarms, like Paddington. But a

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Speaker 1: rat like it, but I don't love it. What else

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Speaker 1: have you got the same idea as a rat, but

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Speaker 1: with a recus monkey better? But the monkey needs to

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Speaker 1: be more sympathetic. Maybe you could have a limp or something.

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Speaker 1: I've got a better idea. Follow me, all right? Hide?

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Speaker 1: What are we doing standing just outside the janitor's closet?

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Speaker 1: What are we going to mop our way into a

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Speaker 1: locked office? You'll see, Hi, Brand, it's probably guys. Clara. Hi,

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Speaker 1: I was just changing into my work clothes. Sorry, do

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Speaker 1: you mind if we come in? That jumpsuit looks fantastic

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Speaker 1: on you, Brand. You are so lucky you started working

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Speaker 1: part time as a school janitor. Do you understand the

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Speaker 1: chain of events here? You wrote an article that causes

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Speaker 1: scandle and shut down my father's business, so we lost everything,

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Speaker 1: which is why I had to get this job. I

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Speaker 1: just wrote what I saw your dad killed an innocent,

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Speaker 1: unarmed koala at the zoo, and then I embellished it

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Speaker 1: with a bunch of made up stuff to make it

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Speaker 1: more exciting and give it a moral component. Now I'm

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Speaker 1: working on a brand new story, one that will be

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Speaker 1: hurtful to a different group of people. Want to help, Sorry,

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Speaker 1: I can't. I'm too busy focusing on getting a replacement

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Speaker 1: dad for the charity ball. As it turns out, this

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Speaker 1: story is about Brady. We don't think he's at a

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Speaker 1: wellness retreat, but that's where Principal Fairweathers had to lie.

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Speaker 1: He's not eating drugs. Brand, I know it for effects.

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Speaker 1: Breaking and entering is a crime as far as the

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Speaker 1: law is concerned, But as far as the law isn't concerned,

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Speaker 1: it's just another form of research. And isn't that what

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Speaker 1: school is all about, Not just to learn things, but

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Speaker 1: to learn how to learn things with Brent's help, Hide

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Speaker 1: and Clara were about to learn things by breaking into

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Speaker 1: Principal fair Weather's office. Hey Clara, that's me Clara. Before

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Speaker 1: we break in, you'll have to memorize the exact location

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Speaker 1: to Principal fair Weather's office. Okay, Brandon, her office is

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Speaker 1: right in front of me, got it. Now hide your

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Speaker 1: shirt safe and Principal fair Weather won't be back anytime soon,

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Speaker 1: I'm sure, And once we find out where Brady really is,

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Speaker 1: we can drag him back to Brewster High to be

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Speaker 1: your date for the charity Ball, no matter what he wants. Guys,

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Speaker 1: I'm starting to have second thoughts about using my janitor

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Speaker 1: keys for something like this that's totally breaking the janitor's

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Speaker 1: ethical code. Brand the Charity Ball. Photos from that will

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Speaker 1: be in the your books, and people will glance at

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Speaker 1: their yearbooks every ten years for the rest of their lives.

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Speaker 1: All right, You'll have five minutes to get in, find

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Speaker 1: what you're looking for, and get out. What happens in

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Speaker 1: five minutes, I get bored and leave, got it? Hi,

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Speaker 1: you stay out here and keep guard. Get to do anything,

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Speaker 1: all right. I'll take the file cabinets and you go

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Speaker 1: through her desk. Got it. Holy sh it, Clara, I

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Speaker 1: found her food log yogurt, Celery, Celery, yogurt, yogurt razings. Guys,

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Speaker 1: be quiet in there. There's a security guard coming. Clara.

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Speaker 1: We're outside this office. I'm just waiting to see the principal.

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Speaker 1: She's not here right now. I know I'm lining up

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Speaker 1: from when she gets back. See you exactly, I'm the

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Speaker 1: first one here. Come back in twenty minutes, and there

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Speaker 1: will be a line all the way down the hall.

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Speaker 1: Oh hey, shut up, a little guy, go back to sleep.

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Speaker 1: What's up? I didn't hear anything. What am I supposed

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Speaker 1: to do? Try breastfeeding it? Okay, it's not latching. Oh no, Now,

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Speaker 1: my stupid baby's crying. To damn this digital baby here,

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Speaker 1: there's one because there's dad, so she's got babies. I

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Speaker 1: think you're imagine any thing, Sir. I don't hear anything

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Speaker 1: at all. Shut up, shut up, shut up. I'm sure

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Speaker 1: I heard something. Will you shut that baby up? You

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Speaker 1: shut your baby up. That's it, baby. I'm shaking you

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Speaker 1: until you stop me too, because it was nothing. You've

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Speaker 1: really got a case of baby fever, sir. I think

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Speaker 1: you need to go home and clear your head. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you gotta relax because I've been working too hard. He's

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Speaker 1: on coast, is clear, Brian? How's your baby? I think

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Speaker 1: I might have killed it. Yours probably just unconscious. I

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Speaker 1: wonder what's in this metal can on her desk. Judging

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Speaker 1: by the consistency, these are dog's ashes. Tastes like border collie.

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Speaker 1: That checks out her dog recently died and was cremated.

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Speaker 1: Let me have a taste of those ashes. Yep, definitely

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Speaker 1: border collie. I guess this was a waste of time,

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Speaker 1: unless you count this stump drive sitting right here on

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Speaker 1: top of her desk. Oh ship, we're gonna be late

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Speaker 1: for home. Mack quick, Clara, grab your baby and let's go.

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Speaker 1: Attention burst a high. It seems like just yesterday when

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Speaker 1: Mrs Badley was teaching home, because it was she teaches

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Speaker 1: it every day, like right now, al right, everybody, come on,

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Speaker 1: quiet down, let's get started. Please put your babies into

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Speaker 1: the basket that Charles is passing around my baby. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So I've already uploaded the data from all of your devices,

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Speaker 1: so let's see how you did. And the results are in.

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Speaker 1: The class has an overall average of ninety two. Unfortunately,

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Speaker 1: that's on a scale of one to a thousand. However,

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Speaker 1: on this scale, the lower the number the better. So

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Speaker 1: give yourselves a hand. Yeah, go knock yourselves up. You're

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Speaker 1: all ready to be parents. I'm to go out. Okay,

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Speaker 1: don't forget. You have three chapter four by Thursday. I

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Speaker 1: swear these classes just seem to be getting shorter and shorter. Clara, Wait,

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Speaker 1: don't Hey, did you check the thumb drive from Principal

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Speaker 1: Fairweather's office. I tried. It's encrypted. There's one person who

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Speaker 1: could help Geffen. He's awful. I hate Geffen more than anyone,

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Speaker 1: but he's the only one with both the hardware and

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Speaker 1: the software. Fine, we're Steffen right now. I think he's

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Speaker 1: that mediation right. His parents cannot stand him and want

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Speaker 1: him to legally not be their son anymore. He hired

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Speaker 1: a real bulldog off a lawyer and rent it out

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Speaker 1: the teacher's lounge so they could do the negotiation right

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Speaker 1: here on campus. Well that's convenient. Let's go get him,

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Speaker 1: Mrs Keeff. If you'd like my client to move out,

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Speaker 1: we have a list of monetary demands that must be

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Speaker 1: met before any further discussion. Yeah, maa, I got a

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Speaker 1: lifestyle to pretend to be having God. What happened to

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Speaker 1: you all your life? We modeled moral ethical behavior. It's

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Speaker 1: called the family ties effect. One kid in every family

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Speaker 1: rebels against the rest by being the total opposite of them.

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Speaker 1: Don't play me, mom, that's science and TV. Let's just

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Speaker 1: get down to it. The sooner this is taken care of,

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Speaker 1: the sooner we can get you out of our lives.

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Speaker 1: Rather than say the dollar amount out loud, I think

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Speaker 1: it will be more dramatic for me to write it

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Speaker 1: on a piece of paper and slide it across the table.

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Speaker 1: Jesus Christ. Okay, I'm gonna write my counter offer on

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Speaker 1: the back of the same piece of paper and slide

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Speaker 1: it back to you. No way money. It looks like

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Speaker 1: I'll be living with you until you retired. I think

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Speaker 1: I'll have a bunch of friends come over this weekend

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Speaker 1: for a PlayStation marathon in the living room. But if

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Speaker 1: we paid Geffen this much money, we can't even afford

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Speaker 1: to live in this house anymore. Get used to it,

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Speaker 1: old lady, tell you what. How about you walk around

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Speaker 1: the block, take a moment to think about it. Geff

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Speaker 1: and I will be here when you return. Have a

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Speaker 1: nice walk old lady. I hope you don't get lost.

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Speaker 1: I think that went well. Come hello, Geffen, what do

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Speaker 1: you takes? Want an autograph? If so, you'll have to

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Speaker 1: go through my lawyer. Hi, I'm gonna slide my card

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Speaker 1: slowly across the table too. Got the bullshit, Geffen, I

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Speaker 1: hear you know a singer to you about thumb drives.

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Speaker 1: Well whoa, well, look who wants me involved in their

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Speaker 1: little sneak around game? Fine, but it's gonna have to

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Speaker 1: cost you. Then forget it. Wait, wait, I'll help it.

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Speaker 1: Actually kind of be nice to have friends, even if

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Speaker 1: it's just like pretend friends. Then it's a deal. You

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Speaker 1: help us and in return we give you absolutely nothing.

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Speaker 1: I'll drop the contract. Put a bunch of computers in

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Speaker 1: a room, and it's just a room full of computers.

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Speaker 1: But add too high school students to that room in

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Speaker 1: this case, Geffen and hide, and suddenly it becomes a

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Speaker 1: computer lab. One of those students is about to try

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Speaker 1: and open the thumb drive you got from Clara. Hey Clara,

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Speaker 1: that's me again. Get comfortable. This could take a while,

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Speaker 1: and better watch out. These fingers moved fast, man. Look

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Speaker 1: at those fingers. Go that's it. The drive is called

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Speaker 1: Brady's Secrets. I hope it's not a different Brady. Unless

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Speaker 1: it's Tom Brady. I'd really like to know his secret.

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Speaker 1: Open it up. It looks like it's encrypted. Bummer, You've

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Speaker 1: tried everything. Let's just give up. It might be encrypted,

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Speaker 1: but it's not encrypted. Encrypted, damn it. Okay, it might

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Speaker 1: be encrypted, encrypted, but I bet it's not secured by tokenization.

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Speaker 1: Son of a bitch. Damn it, shit, god, stupid god,

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Speaker 1: damn it. Okay, well I know a thing or two

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Speaker 1: about tokenization. Encrypted file. Prepared to go on a date

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Speaker 1: with Geffen? Fuck? What damn it? What's wrong? Ship? Dopid high? Fuck?

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Speaker 1: I forgot about my day with Dexter. He's been waiting

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Speaker 1: for me for over an hour. Shit, stupid fucking differ.

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Speaker 1: Don't wait up for me. I'm bypassing the USB port

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Speaker 1: and accessing the AASH memory through the hardware. Now to

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Speaker 1: send some juice to the crystal oscillator. Hey, check this out.

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Speaker 1: I can take really fast and we're in What is

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Speaker 1: this a receipt for an edible nosegay? Edible nosegay? You

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Speaker 1: know that's the company that gives you what looks like

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Speaker 1: a bouquet of flowers, but it's really pieces of fruit

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Speaker 1: on sticks, and it smells like riding cantaloupe. But no

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Speaker 1: one at breast or High has had an edible nosegay

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Speaker 1: for years. I think if you follow the trail of

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Speaker 1: riding fruit you might find something. Hey see if you

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Speaker 1: can pull a delivery address off that receipt, just running

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Speaker 1: it through another filter. So many filters. This one's called

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Speaker 1: sand Shade now enhanced a place called break the Cycle.

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Speaker 1: Do you think that's where Brady is? Break the Cycle?

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Speaker 1: Which just sounds like a place you'd go if you

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Speaker 1: were trying to change your life. So why would fair

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Speaker 1: Weather care enough to send Brady and edible nosegay. Something's

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Speaker 1: not right about this. Someone needs to pay a visit

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Speaker 1: to break the cycle. Well, good luck with that. I

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Speaker 1: did my part right about now. Hide was arriving over

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Speaker 1: an hour late at the dive shop for scuba date

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Speaker 1: with Dexter. Yikes, Oh my god, there you are. I'm

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Speaker 1: so sorry. I'm late. You're not late, Hide, you missed

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Speaker 1: it all together. I've been hearing the scooba suit for

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Speaker 1: an hour. It's not too late. There's still time to

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Speaker 1: go scuba diving if you want. You can't just scuba

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Speaker 1: dive whenever you want. You have to go during low tide?

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Speaker 1: Was it fun? You see any cool fish out there?

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Speaker 1: This was your idea? You had the couple snorkeling group on.

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Speaker 1: I was look at chump. I got paired with the instructor, well,

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Speaker 1: at least the instructor. No. We've been dating for three months.

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Speaker 1: That's three high school months. In adult time, that's like

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Speaker 1: six years. And in those three months, you have stood

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Speaker 1: me up eight times. You haven't returned over fifty of

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Speaker 1: my texts, and you haven't used an emoji once, not

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Speaker 1: one emoji. It takes so long to find that emoji keyboarding, Really,

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Speaker 1: you don't have an extra half a second to effectively

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Speaker 1: and concisely communicate a feeling to me using a simple image. Look,

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Speaker 1: I really do apologize, Okay, I got unexpectedly busy. What's

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Speaker 1: more important to you? Me or the things that you're

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Speaker 1: unexpectedly busy with? You you're the most important. But this

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Speaker 1: thing today, it was about Brady. He was my best friend.

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Speaker 1: You know that. I guess it wasn't that big a

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Speaker 1: deal and everything's good between us. I can't stay mad

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Speaker 1: at you hide. I just I'm so glad we talked

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Speaker 1: through this sea. What is the high school but just

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Speaker 1: a collection of rooms made out of mortar and brick

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Speaker 1: and sometimes would maybe but fill it with people and

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Speaker 1: it comes alive. One of those people was my best friend,

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Speaker 1: Brittan Mariskino, and I was about to talk to her

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Speaker 1: in the hallway a few minutes after I left the

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Speaker 1: computer lab. Let me ask you something, britt does Brady

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Speaker 1: like to get fruit baskets? Are you kidding? He hates them.

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Speaker 1: Plus they're so overprized. It's like ninety cents of fruit

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Speaker 1: in a twenty dollar bouquet. Yeah, but you're not paying

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Speaker 1: for the fruit, You're paying for the labor. But there's

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Speaker 1: no way that fruit basket was for Brady. He hated

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Speaker 1: fruits and vegetables. And I know everything about Brady. We

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Speaker 1: dated on and off for sixteen days while that rotting

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Speaker 1: fruit was my one and only lead. Geffin found an

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Speaker 1: address where Brady might be, But I doubt we'll be

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Speaker 1: getting Brady back anytime soon. Certainly not soon enough to

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Speaker 1: take you to the charity ball. Oh jeez, I don't

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Speaker 1: know what to do. I tell you what, we can

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Speaker 1: go together. I don't have a date either. Really, yeah,

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Speaker 1: why not? A couple of girls can have fun at

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Speaker 1: a dance without Brady for a night. He's not so

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Speaker 1: great and he's a terrible dancer. He hates dancing. There

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Speaker 1: you go, There we go. Did Brady find out something

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Speaker 1: he wasn't supposed to know? I went back to the

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Speaker 1: high school newspaper lab to read my story back to

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Speaker 1: my journalism teacher. That's it. That's the end of the article.

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Speaker 1: I went back to the high school newspaper lab to

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Speaker 1: read my story back to my journalism teacher. Yeah, it's

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Speaker 1: not great, Clara. Usually a piece of journalism ends with answers,

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Speaker 1: not with questions. Look, why don't you go with the

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Speaker 1: piss angle the kid who sells his piss to help

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Speaker 1: those jocks pass the drug test. Now that that's a story,

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Speaker 1: I can't do that. That was supposed to remain confidential.

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Speaker 1: You know, Clara, I'm gonna be honest with you. I

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Speaker 1: don't think you've got what it takes to be a

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Speaker 1: real reporter. Some teachers have a knack for bringing out

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Speaker 1: the best in their students. Others are just dicks. When

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Speaker 1: Mr Nelson told me, are you writing an article about

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Speaker 1: me now. Mr Nelson was the kind of teacher who

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Speaker 1: didn't believe in his students. To him, they were all

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Speaker 1: just dumb. I'm not publishing this next time. I'm Brewster High.

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Speaker 1: I can't keep producing enough clean piss for the drug tests.

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Speaker 1: I'm like thirty years younger than a boomer, and no

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Speaker 1: one says, okay, boomer anymore. You keep kidding me. Right

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Speaker 1: now feels like this question is a trap. I don't

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Speaker 1: have time to get into it. Okay, the economics of

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Speaker 1: life theater are crazy. I can't listen to your lies anymore,

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Speaker 1: but you totally can. You can't see my penis. I mean,

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Speaker 1: there's no way around it. You can see my penis.

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Speaker 1: This episode of Brewster High was written by Carrie O'Neil

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Speaker 1: and Gilliness Seen and Jonathan Stern, and directed by Jonathan Stern.

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Speaker 1: It was performed by Lindsay James, Theodore Chin, Jordan Dahl,

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Speaker 1: Jared Goldstein, Greg Hess, Peter Kim, Mike McCafferty, Veronica Saudio, Shakira,

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Speaker 1: Jane Pay, Dwayne Perkins, Anna Seragina Sager, shake, Amy Silverberg,

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Speaker 1: and Morgan Walsh. Executive produced by Keith Quinn and Jonathan Stern.

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Speaker 1: Produced by Frannie Baldwin, Jack Brungart, Natalie Gurgley, and David Solinger.

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Speaker 1: Music by Matt Nobat, Greg Martin and Alison Newman. The

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Speaker 1: supervising sound editor was Julie Diaz and the sound editor

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Speaker 1: was Jack de Crane. Mixed by Brent Kaiser, sound designed

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Speaker 1: and mixed at Unbridled Sound. Brewster High was a production

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Speaker 1: of Abominable Pictures and Honorable Mention for I Heart Media.

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Speaker 1: This podcast is also available on vinyl for my friend Rob,

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Speaker 1: who makes a big deal about how much better things

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Speaker 1: sound on vinyl.