Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we break
Speaker 1: down the psychology of our twenties. Today, we're talking about
Speaker 1: something that we've actually never spoken about on the podcast before,
Speaker 1: which is honestly shocking, because when it comes to our twenties,
Speaker 1: one of the universal, relatable, joint experiences of people during
Speaker 1: this decade is living with other people, is the share house,
Speaker 1: communal living, flatting, whatever you want to call it, and
Speaker 1: a lot about that experience is deeply psychological. How we
Speaker 1: learn to live with others, how we communicate our relationships,
Speaker 1: the conflict, the tension, the psychology is really everywhere in
Speaker 1: that dynamic. I think our twenties are often that time
Speaker 1: for many of us when we take the leap to
Speaker 1: move out of our childhood home, our family home, and
Speaker 1: really forge kind of our own independent lives. It's a
Speaker 1: huge hallmark of this decade. I guess we just outgrow
Speaker 1: the family environment. We don't feel like a child anymore.
Speaker 1: We want our own space, and often the most kind
Speaker 1: of economically viable option is to move in with a
Speaker 1: group of other people our own age. I think not
Speaker 1: only is that sometimes the only thing we can afford,
Speaker 1: let's be real, but a lot of this is that
Speaker 1: these are people that we share the same lifestyle with,
Speaker 1: and it's kind of like a ride of passage, such
Speaker 1: a valuable social experience to see how we live with others,
Speaker 1: to maybe make lifelong friends, to build our own community
Speaker 1: that is separate from the family unit. But it's also
Speaker 1: not that straightforward. I've been living in sharehouses or dorms
Speaker 1: with roommates since I was seventeen, so for the last
Speaker 1: seven years that is way too long. And of course
Speaker 1: I think, like anyone who has done their time, I
Speaker 1: have some stories. We might romanticize this way of living
Speaker 1: and the chaos and the group dinners and the movie nights,
Speaker 1: whatever it may be, but the people we choose to
Speaker 1: live with are sometimes the most important people in our lives,
Speaker 1: and so it's kind of make or break, depending on
Speaker 1: how well we actually get along. We are sharing a
Speaker 1: home together, which, if you think about it, is like
Speaker 1: the most sacred space that a human can have. It
Speaker 1: is our place of comfort, of safety, of security. We
Speaker 1: sleep under the same roof as these people. We see
Speaker 1: the constantly and their choices impact our quality of life.
Speaker 1: There was actually one piece of research published on this
Speaker 1: in twenty sixteen, and it indicates that the people who
Speaker 1: we live with impact everything from our eating habits, our
Speaker 1: exercise habits, our sleeping habits in both a positive and
Speaker 1: a negative direction, particularly through things like peer pressure or
Speaker 1: observational learning and the adoption of communal values. And depending
Speaker 1: on your experience, that can actually be really great. We
Speaker 1: can become really thick and fast friends. For example, in Korea,
Speaker 1: they surveyed nearly a thousand young single adults living in
Speaker 1: share housing and they found that people who were living
Speaker 1: with a roommate reported feeling less lonely and more socially supported.
Speaker 1: So there are definitely a lot of benefits. But when
Speaker 1: that turns sour, when we're met with conflict, different personalities,
Speaker 1: different standards for cleanliness. Yes, when we move in with
Speaker 1: friends and we begin to see a different side of
Speaker 1: someone now that we share a bathroom or a kitchen
Speaker 1: with them. That is when I think the sharehouse truly
Speaker 1: becomes a real psychological peatrie. Dish conflict or tension in
Speaker 1: a home has a massive effect on our mental well being,
Speaker 1: and there have been so many studies, articles, research projects
Speaker 1: on this, particularly amongst young adults, because if you think
Speaker 1: about it, you're basically putting two, three, four, sometimes more
Speaker 1: people together in a small environment, all of whom have
Speaker 1: different backgrounds, expectations, lifestyles, and we're just kind of praying
Speaker 1: that it works. And so a sharehouse is kind of
Speaker 1: its own social experiment on how relationships are formed, how
Speaker 1: we communicate, how we interact, how relationships break down, and
Speaker 1: that is really what I want to explore today. We
Speaker 1: are going to discuss what makes a good roommate, different
Speaker 1: types of roommates, the four different types of roommates and
Speaker 1: living styles, the dilemma of kind of moving in with friends,
Speaker 1: and also what causes social harmony to break down when
Speaker 1: you are in a sharehouse. I also want to talk
Speaker 1: about what psychology has to say about creating a positive space,
Speaker 1: being a good roommate, dealing with conflict in the home,
Speaker 1: and also being able to recognize that moment when it
Speaker 1: is time to move out, when it is time to
Speaker 1: live alone. I think I'm getting to that point. Now.
Speaker 1: I've done my time, I've done my hours, I've had
Speaker 1: the sharehouse experience, and I really just want to come
Speaker 1: home and not talk to anyone. At this point, I
Speaker 1: kind of want to watch whatever I want to watch
Speaker 1: on TV and not have to like time my showers
Speaker 1: around other people. So I think I might only have
Speaker 1: like a few more months to actually be able to
Speaker 1: talk about this, probably from like a lived experience, and
Speaker 1: that's what we're going to do today. So without further ado,
Speaker 1: I think it's about time we break down all of
Speaker 1: the psychology to do with communal living, share houses and roommates.
Speaker 1: So let's get into it. The move to share housing
Speaker 1: from the family home, whether you're living with complete strangers
Speaker 1: or friends whoever, it's really exciting, Like we can't overstate
Speaker 1: the anticipation and like fun of getting to buy your
Speaker 1: own bowls and picking out your bed sheets and being
Speaker 1: able to have a space that is your own and
Speaker 1: separate from your parents and your siblings whoever else is
Speaker 1: in your house. It honestly just feels like super adult.
Speaker 1: It's like one of those experiences, I think we look
Speaker 1: at and we're like, oh, yeah, this is the point
Speaker 1: where I felt like I was actually mature enough to
Speaker 1: call myself an adult human being. And then I think
Speaker 1: the social element of it is also super appealing, especially
Speaker 1: when you live with friends. It's like summer camp or
Speaker 1: a sleepover every night of the week. And it's the
Speaker 1: freedom that many of us, I think have been aspiring
Speaker 1: towards since we were children. You know. It's kind of
Speaker 1: similar to having your own money. You get a space
Speaker 1: where you can live your life exactly how you would
Speaker 1: like it. So I have this theory that the first
Speaker 1: six months of communal living are like the honeymoon period.
Speaker 1: It is the buzz of new things, of new relationships,
Speaker 1: or at least a new dimension to a relationship if
Speaker 1: you're living with friends and this really new environment. But
Speaker 1: I think after that six months period is when the
Speaker 1: reality of like constantly having to share your space with
Speaker 1: someone who is not related to you sinks in. The
Speaker 1: biggest thing we have to adapt to is different living styles,
Speaker 1: because each of us has grown up in a certain
Speaker 1: unique environment, expecting certain levels of cleanliness, different rules, times
Speaker 1: that we want to rest, times that we want to
Speaker 1: socialize people just to use their spaces differently. They treat
Speaker 1: them differently based on the home environment of their childhood.
Speaker 1: It's really interesting because there's been research on this and
Speaker 1: it's shown that how your parents organized a home is
Speaker 1: going to be one of the biggest determinants for how
Speaker 1: you choose to treat your future living spaces. And it
Speaker 1: is natural normal for those there to big kind of
Speaker 1: differences across people. The biggest one for me is the
Speaker 1: level of mess that we are willing to tolerate. I
Speaker 1: have noticed this in my own sharehouses and with my roommates,
Speaker 1: where there is a distinction between wanting things tidy and
Speaker 1: wanting things clean. Some people just don't care if the
Speaker 1: floors aren't vacuumed or the couches are a little bit dirty,
Speaker 1: as long as there are like no personal items in
Speaker 1: a communal space. But others are totally fine with like
Speaker 1: a certain level of untidiness as long as the house
Speaker 1: is sanate tized. And then there are the housemates, the
Speaker 1: unique housemates who just don't care, who are happy to
Speaker 1: live in absolute squalor. I often see this as a
Speaker 1: reaction to three things. Firstly, for these individuals who really
Speaker 1: don't care about mess or cleanliness. That was the standard
Speaker 1: that their parents set, whereby they also didn't really care
Speaker 1: about living amongst I'm not going to say filth, but
Speaker 1: just like living amongst mess. Maybe it's because yeah, they
Speaker 1: just really they were completely apathetic to it, or be
Speaker 1: they were too busy to deal with it. And so
Speaker 1: because that person has never known any differently, because they
Speaker 1: have adjusted to this lifestyle, they bring that to the sharehouse,
Speaker 1: they bring that to the environment. I had a roommate
Speaker 1: once who was so revolting. He would use like all
Speaker 1: of the glasses in our house for coffee and wine
Speaker 1: and beer whatever, and then he would refuse to clean them,
Speaker 1: and so we stopped cleaning them as well. We were like,
Speaker 1: I don't want to be your servant anymore, almost in
Speaker 1: like protest, until every kid, you not, every single glass
Speaker 1: in our house had like a layer of mold at
Speaker 1: the bottom. We couldn't even use them. Eventually, I actually
Speaker 1: I took all of the glasses over to my friend's house.
Speaker 1: I put them through their dishwasher, brought them home and
Speaker 1: hid them from him, and I told my other roommates
Speaker 1: like where they were, and for like weeks we would
Speaker 1: have like a glass of water or whatever we would finish,
Speaker 1: we would wash our glass and just like put it
Speaker 1: back in its hiding place until he kind of had
Speaker 1: to like come back to us with his tail between
Speaker 1: his legs. There's just people like that who like do
Speaker 1: not care about filth. The second reaction is whereby we
Speaker 1: have these people who have grown up in a really
Speaker 1: strict household where the level of cleanliness was like almost
Speaker 1: hospital like, and they move out of home and experience
Speaker 1: like a complete reversal in habits. They finally have like
Speaker 1: the freedom to treat their space as they would like it,
Speaker 1: and so they unconsciously counteract what was previously expected of
Speaker 1: them by going in the complete entire opposite direction. It's
Speaker 1: almost like a delayed childhood rebellion against the rules that
Speaker 1: were upheld by their parents. And also there's the other
Speaker 1: element of you know, no one's asking them to be
Speaker 1: clean anymore, no one's asking them to keep their space tidy,
Speaker 1: and so they no longer have the motivation to self
Speaker 1: enforce those levels of cleanliness. It's really interesting because this
Speaker 1: is actually a concept in psychology. It's known as the
Speaker 1: rebellion of the over criticized child. But in these instances
Speaker 1: often what we see as people who skip their childhood
Speaker 1: and teenage rebellion stage because the family environment was so strict.
Speaker 1: But then that emerges in adulthood when they start living
Speaker 1: with others, almost as a of like emotional catharsis or
Speaker 1: release from the pressure they experienced as a child. And finally,
Speaker 1: there are situations in which one roommate has such a
Speaker 1: high standard for cleanliness that they are just willing to
Speaker 1: do all the work to keep their environment as they
Speaker 1: would like it, and that results in what we would
Speaker 1: call freeloading by the other members of the house. So
Speaker 1: freeloading is actually an economics term whereby we see people
Speaker 1: take advantage of other people's generosity or efforts. Sometimes unconsciously,
Speaker 1: they've just come to expect this from the other person.
Speaker 1: Sometimes they like engage in the delusion that oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: my roommate cleans because it makes them happy, or they
Speaker 1: don't even notice yet they still benefit from this person's
Speaker 1: like additional labor in the house. I like to call
Speaker 1: this type of roommate the Cinderella roommate. Obviously, in the
Speaker 1: fairy tale Cinderella, Cinderella is the one who keeps everything clean.
Speaker 1: In the background, she does all the washing, all the sweeping,
Speaker 1: the dishes for her stefe sisters without any appreciation. I
Speaker 1: would say that most houses have a Cinderella, and often
Speaker 1: these people are also very deep people pleases, so they
Speaker 1: won't say anything until it kind of like boils over
Speaker 1: and explodes, or they just become so resigned to the
Speaker 1: mess that they let everything get disgusting and then even
Speaker 1: more frustrated when nobody does anything, whilst the other roommates
Speaker 1: don't really like pick up on that, and they're just
Speaker 1: waiting expecting this person to eventually get to a point
Speaker 1: of like such deep frustration that they'll just go back
Speaker 1: to cleaning everything all over again. It's super unfair. It
Speaker 1: is super unfair, and I think the existence of a
Speaker 1: Cinderella points to a very important psychological truth about sharehouses.
Speaker 1: Each roommate is going to take on a certain social
Speaker 1: role in the house, the same way that each of
Speaker 1: us takes on a role in the family home, and
Speaker 1: those roles sometimes are going to come into conflict. So
Speaker 1: the best way to understand this, I think is through
Speaker 1: this theory called the styles of life theory. This was
Speaker 1: originally introduced by the psychiatrist Alfred Adler. You might know
Speaker 1: him because he coined the term inferiority complex, but he
Speaker 1: also came up with this theory that each of us
Speaker 1: has a unique, unconscious and repetitive way of responding to
Speaker 1: or avoiding the main tasks of life. That includes friendships, love, work, behavior,
Speaker 1: or relationships in the home. Obviously, he wasn't applying this
Speaker 1: theory to the relationship between roommates in the twenty first century,
Speaker 1: but when we take his core ideas, they have a
Speaker 1: lot of applicability. So there are four styles or roles
Speaker 1: that we can take on in the share home. So
Speaker 1: there's the ruling type. This per and is the leader.
Speaker 1: They might take care of the bills. Maybe they were
Speaker 1: like the og housemate or renter. They feel more of
Speaker 1: a sense of like possessiveness or control over the home.
Speaker 1: They are more liberal with using communal spaces, They host parties.
Speaker 1: It kind of feels like it's their home. Then we
Speaker 1: have the getting type, the ones who don't really do anything.
Speaker 1: They take rather than give. They take advantage of the
Speaker 1: other members in the house. We have the avoiding type,
Speaker 1: the one who is kind of like never there, who
Speaker 1: like very much, doesn't take part in share house activities,
Speaker 1: kind of stays out of conflict, stays out of the way.
Speaker 1: It's a bit of a ghost. And finally, we have
Speaker 1: the socially useful type. This is very similar to the
Speaker 1: Cinderella archetype. They kind of contribute more than all the others,
Speaker 1: but they're also more likely to have like a social
Speaker 1: interest in keeping the peace and they really like like
Speaker 1: a certain level of social activity. Each of us in
Speaker 1: a sharehouse takes on one of these roles. It's really
Speaker 1: interesting because I know which one I am, and I'm
Speaker 1: pretty sure I could easily assign every single roommate I've
Speaker 1: ever had to one of these roles, like easily. And
Speaker 1: you don't have to be a house of four, like
Speaker 1: you can be a house of two or three, or
Speaker 1: five or six, because some people can take on the
Speaker 1: same role, but also there can be people who only
Speaker 1: take on one role and there is one left out.
Speaker 1: So I think that this theory is one of the
Speaker 1: best psychological explanations for why we have different sharehouse or
Speaker 1: roommate like personalities and archetypes. Beyond these kinds of prototypes,
Speaker 1: I've already mentioned it, but we have the kind of
Speaker 1: added nuance of personality. Each of us is going to
Speaker 1: come to the table not just with a different background
Speaker 1: and a different set of standards, but a different set
Speaker 1: of attributes and personality traits which kind of influence how
Speaker 1: easy it really is the people to get along with you.
Speaker 1: I often think about this according to the Big five
Speaker 1: personality traits in psychology, So these are openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness,
Speaker 1: and neuroticism. Out of those five kind of big five
Speaker 1: personality traits, each of us sits somewhere along the spectrum
Speaker 1: of each of them. And if you've ever done the
Speaker 1: Maya Briggs personality test, you can kind of based on
Speaker 1: this combination determine what kind of person you are and
Speaker 1: also what kind of person you're going to be in
Speaker 1: a communal environment, Like maybe you are the entertainer or
Speaker 1: the executive, or the mediator, the debate and the commander.
Speaker 1: I don't know which one you are, but that individual
Speaker 1: personality profile is going to contribute to the dynamic Personally,
Speaker 1: I believe that the best combination for a roommate is
Speaker 1: someone who is conscientious, honest, open to experience, agreeable, and
Speaker 1: hopefully low on euroticism, which means that they are emotionally
Speaker 1: stable and they deal with stress well. And one of
Speaker 1: the worst combinations is someone who we would call high conflict.
Speaker 1: I think we all have an idea of what a
Speaker 1: high conflict individual looks like. We've probably all met one.
Speaker 1: This is someone who loves drama and they have this
Speaker 1: pattern of increasing tension, increasing like the melo drama of
Speaker 1: an environment, rather than reducing it or resolving it. This
Speaker 1: pattern usually happens over and over again in many different
Speaker 1: situations with many different people. They blame others, they don't
Speaker 1: care about boundaries, they never feel like they've done anything wrong.
Speaker 1: They are extreme, and they always prefer to prioritize themselves
Speaker 1: over like the collective well being and comfort of the home.
Speaker 1: For example, I had a roommate like this who would
Speaker 1: throw parties all the time, and I honestly got to
Speaker 1: the point where I think he just enjoyed us getting
Speaker 1: angry at him, like he liked being the villain in
Speaker 1: the house. For some weird neurological psychological reason, I think
Speaker 1: some people are just more conflict prone compared to others.
Speaker 1: Those of us who are conflict averse running away from
Speaker 1: disagreements or frustration, but Honestly, either end of that spectrum
Speaker 1: is equally harmful. When we're talking about living in a
Speaker 1: shared home. Obviously it's extremely difficult to live with someone
Speaker 1: who has no respect for other people and is always
Speaker 1: wanting to argue. But then we also have that roommate
Speaker 1: who is mad about something, is annoyed at doing all
Speaker 1: the cleaning or people not paying bills on time, and
Speaker 1: they say nothing about it. They keep it to themselves,
Speaker 1: but it shows up in other ways, like they stonewall
Speaker 1: you or they ic you out. I think it's hard
Speaker 1: because the people we live with don't have the same
Speaker 1: conflict style as us. But also sometimes when you know,
Speaker 1: we don't have the same comfort as we would with
Speaker 1: a family member, so we feel really awkward bringing things up.
Speaker 1: You know, perhaps if it's a stranger and you just
Speaker 1: feel like it would be really inappropriate to have those
Speaker 1: kinds of conversations. Or even worse is when they are
Speaker 1: a friend and we worry that a small disagreement to
Speaker 1: do with like house upkeep or lifestyles or whatever is
Speaker 1: going to impact our relationship as friends beyond our relationship
Speaker 1: as roommates. This brings me to I think one of
Speaker 1: my biggest points moving in with friends this is such
Speaker 1: a big risk. Let me just tell you that now.
Speaker 1: I also think that it is a mistake that I've
Speaker 1: made in the past. But I've also had really great
Speaker 1: success stories. I lived with two of my closest friends
Speaker 1: for almost two years. We never had a single problem
Speaker 1: because our lifestyles, our expectations for each other, our communication styles,
Speaker 1: they all lined up. But I think sometimes we want
Speaker 1: to live with friends more than strangers because of that familiarity. Right,
Speaker 1: it feels like less of a risk because we already
Speaker 1: know that you know, we at least like this person.
Speaker 1: But there's also an equal risk that moving in together
Speaker 1: is going to cost you the relationship because it will
Speaker 1: change the dynamic, either by increasing like the intensity of
Speaker 1: your closeness, sometimes causing codependency, or making it such that
Speaker 1: small conflicts in the home begin to affect your bigger
Speaker 1: relationship as friends. Living together in a shared environment that
Speaker 1: you have mutual responsibility towards changes the dynamic. When the
Speaker 1: quarters are that close, there is more room for tension,
Speaker 1: like just a small spark of anger or frustration if
Speaker 1: it's not taken care of, is gonna spiral. And I
Speaker 1: have friends who I understand I just couldn't live with
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that I don't love them, It's just
Speaker 1: that we acknowledge that our living styles, how much downtime
Speaker 1: we need, our levels of cleanliness, they're different, and putting
Speaker 1: our relationship in like the absolute pressure cooker that is
Speaker 1: living together would be I think, disastrous and destructive. Some
Speaker 1: of us obviously don't realize that until it's way too late,
Speaker 1: and that's what leads to conflict. Conflict in a sharehouse
Speaker 1: is inevitable the same way that it's inevitable in a
Speaker 1: workplace or a family home in a romantic relationship. But
Speaker 1: I think the biggest sources in this specific situation are
Speaker 1: obviously mess roommates who are disrespectful as well when we
Speaker 1: speak to them about mess, people not really doing their part,
Speaker 1: borrowing things without asking first, people not paying their bills
Speaker 1: on time or not paying a fair share for commonly
Speaker 1: used items, people who are really noisy, and then people
Speaker 1: who are really really controlling of the environment. Once again,
Speaker 1: a lot of this comes down to not just personality differences,
Speaker 1: of course, but differences in how we were raised. And
Speaker 1: when that bubbles up, it becomes really unpleasant and it
Speaker 1: can actually have really serious consequences for our mental health.
Speaker 1: There have been countless studies on this because we understand
Speaker 1: that there is an important relationship between our living environment
Speaker 1: and our mental state or our emotional wellbeing. Like it
Speaker 1: is our place of rest, it's our home. It's where
Speaker 1: we should feel most calm and safe. But when that
Speaker 1: environment is disturbed or not to our life liking, we
Speaker 1: see massive consequences. People who are fighting with their roommates
Speaker 1: no longer feel the sense of security that they need
Speaker 1: from their home environment. We don't feel like we are
Speaker 1: allowed to relax or be ourselves in the home. And
Speaker 1: if we can't do those things in our house, where
Speaker 1: are we going to do that? We never have like
Speaker 1: a time or a place to turn off, to switch off.
Speaker 1: The worst case of this is when it's not just
Speaker 1: that it gets to the point of like full on blowouts,
Speaker 1: but when it gets to the point where people are
Speaker 1: completely avoiding each other in common spaces. It's like they're
Speaker 1: playing like an unspoken game of hide and seek with
Speaker 1: each other. It feels like you're a stranger in your
Speaker 1: own home. You're constantly locked in your room, your anxiety
Speaker 1: is spiked, you feel hypervigilant, or stressed whenever you perceive
Speaker 1: that there is like a threat in the environment, right,
Speaker 1: like you're cooking dinner and then like suddenly this person
Speaker 1: walks in and you don't say anything to each other,
Speaker 1: and it's awkward and it's painful. Another story for you
Speaker 1: guys once again about Dirty Dishes man, because he is
Speaker 1: obviously infamous when it comes to my sharehouse experiences. But
Speaker 1: by the end of like living together, we would go
Speaker 1: entire weeks without speaking a word to the other person.
Speaker 1: And at that point, we lived in a three bedroom
Speaker 1: house with five people in it, and it was during COVID,
Speaker 1: so it wasn't like we didn't see each other. But
Speaker 1: it got to the point where he had just overstepped
Speaker 1: so many boundaries, He had caused so much pain and
Speaker 1: obviously didn't respect the other people living in the house
Speaker 1: that there was no point trying to repair what was
Speaker 1: broken or even be civil about it. And in those situations,
Speaker 1: you kind of have three options, right either you move out,
Speaker 1: they move out, or you swallow your pride and you
Speaker 1: get to the bottom of it. The last option is
Speaker 1: obviously the hardest, because sometimes it feels like, once again,
Speaker 1: we have to be the bigger person, and we're sick
Speaker 1: of doing that. We don't want to be the peacemaker
Speaker 1: all the time or carry the mental load, so we
Speaker 1: just become resigned to how things are, and that's when
Speaker 1: the house starts to crumble because there is no longer
Speaker 1: that not just positive, but transparent communication. And I think
Speaker 1: if you don't set that up at the beginning, if
Speaker 1: you don't build that routine of talking about your problems,
Speaker 1: if you don't set those ground rules, when the time
Speaker 1: does come that frustration, tension, conflict does emerge, you're kind
Speaker 1: of going into it with no rule book or really
Speaker 1: no understanding of the other person's expectations or perspective. So
Speaker 1: what I really want to discuss next is how we
Speaker 1: can actually make it so we never get to that point,
Speaker 1: How we can have a positive share house experience, the
Speaker 1: dreams share house experience, all of that and more after
Speaker 1: this shortbreak. So let's talk about what it means to
Speaker 1: be a good roommate and the ways we can hopefully
Speaker 1: avoid that kind of all too common experience of the
Speaker 1: sharehouse going up in flames, like not literal flames, emotional flames.
Speaker 1: We want to be on speaking terms with the people
Speaker 1: who live in our home. We want to avoid the
Speaker 1: silent treatment or breaking the lease or a million other
Speaker 1: lesson ideal ways that this can end. So the first
Speaker 1: step really begins before you even sign the lease, right, Like,
Speaker 1: the biggest error people make is not actually asserting their
Speaker 1: standards beforehand, their standards for cleanliness for a long time,
Speaker 1: for noise, for bills, for splitting expenses, for even minor
Speaker 1: things like when are you going to turn the air
Speaker 1: con on during the year or the heating. Every point
Speaker 1: of ambiguity is a potential point of conflict. My dad
Speaker 1: actually gave me this incredible tip when I first moved
Speaker 1: into a sharehouse. He told me that we need to
Speaker 1: sit down, all of us write out our house rules,
Speaker 1: and everyone had to agree. Everyone had to sign off
Speaker 1: on the rules, and then they went on the fridge
Speaker 1: and they were basically never discussed again unless someone quote
Speaker 1: unquote broke the rules. Then it was never a discussion
Speaker 1: of like, oh I didn't know, oh I was confused.
Speaker 1: They had agreed to the rules, they'd broken them consciously,
Speaker 1: they'd broken the roommate contract, and obviously it was then
Speaker 1: up to them to apologize and make up for it.
Speaker 1: There Although sometimes some people who believe that rules are
Speaker 1: made to be broken. I think in those instances when
Speaker 1: you have a roommate like that, instead of just like
Speaker 1: pushing again and again and reminding them again and again
Speaker 1: and just becoming exhausted when they don't listen, the trick
Speaker 1: is to find out what this person actually cares about,
Speaker 1: what causes them to act in a certain way. There
Speaker 1: is something that matters to them, and if you can
Speaker 1: link the behavior that you need from them with what
Speaker 1: matters to them, then you have a chance to actually
Speaker 1: make something happen. For example, if they are someone who
Speaker 1: really likes or needs the approval of others, make it
Speaker 1: known that when they keep things tidy, it makes you
Speaker 1: really happy and appreciative. Maybe it's that they have a
Speaker 1: real sense of duty or fairness, really reinforce them, like
Speaker 1: the duty of being a good roommate. Maybe it's guilt, whatever,
Speaker 1: Find what motivates them and leverage that. But as this therapist,
Speaker 1: doctor Fitzpatrick said in her incredible article about this, I'll
Speaker 1: link it below, sometimes there are people who just like
Speaker 1: are not really caught up in the rules of engagement here.
Speaker 1: They kind of need to be gently reminded that to
Speaker 1: be human is to sometimes have to be cooperative and
Speaker 1: to compromise. We often really like to believe in the
Speaker 1: goodness of others, but sometimes it just encounter people who
Speaker 1: have a different agenda. When we're talking about that level
Speaker 1: of inconsideration, often what's behind and that is some sort
Speaker 1: of resentment, her anger. It could just be pure laziness
Speaker 1: because they've been babied all of their life, and what
Speaker 1: you need to do as a house is kind of unfortunately.
Speaker 1: I know it sounds unfair, but you're the one who
Speaker 1: now has to help them realize that this is where
Speaker 1: it stops. I think it's very rare that you end
Speaker 1: up living with like a total psychopath. I don't know.
Speaker 1: Maybe you have a story for me and that has
Speaker 1: been your experience, But the majority of people still respond
Speaker 1: to human emotion. So if you tell them how their
Speaker 1: actions have impacted you, how they've left you feeling disrespected,
Speaker 1: if they've left you feeling upset, most people don't want
Speaker 1: to be that person. They don't want to be the
Speaker 1: household villain. That is the wake up call that they
Speaker 1: need honesty and vulnerability. And I know it's really hard
Speaker 1: to put yourself in a position where you have to
Speaker 1: be vulnerable with someone, especially if you don't know them,
Speaker 1: especially if it's a little bit awkward. But I think
Speaker 1: vulnerability always has a lot of rewards that come with it,
Speaker 1: and you know what, you might not feel like best
Speaker 1: friends now, but keeping open those kind of lines of
Speaker 1: communication when you're living under the same roof is really essential.
Speaker 1: If you are the one, though, who is the source
Speaker 1: of frustration. You have been told that you are not
Speaker 1: pulling your fair share, you're not contributing, you're not keeping
Speaker 1: things clean. Remember this is not them expressing unconditional anger
Speaker 1: at you. They are speaking to you about this in
Speaker 1: order to give you an opportunity to improve and adjust.
Speaker 1: The worst thing we can do is interpret boundary setting
Speaker 1: and like basic respectful discussion as an insult or a takedown,
Speaker 1: as as criticism and allow ourselves to react from a
Speaker 1: place of defensiveness. That is when we, I think, see
Speaker 1: irrepairable conflict. When we feel threatened or confronted, often our
Speaker 1: first primal instinct is to defend ourselves at all costs
Speaker 1: by minimizing the other person's feelings, feeling like they are unjustified,
Speaker 1: or really digging our heels in. It's very primitive and
Speaker 1: psychologists often point to the role of our self esteem
Speaker 1: in those moments where we don't want to feel like
Speaker 1: we're a bad person, so to regulate that cognitive dissonance,
Speaker 1: we put the problem back on someone else. That instinct
Speaker 1: is not helping you. In fact, I would argue that
Speaker 1: it's highly counterproductive in this situation. Instead, accept accountability in
Speaker 1: those moments. Make a plan to be better, Make a
Speaker 1: plan to hold yourself accountable. That doesn't disturb the peace
Speaker 1: any further because we all have a shared goal here, right,
Speaker 1: We have a shared goal of peace and harmony. And
Speaker 1: I know that sounds cheesy, but honestly, that is what
Speaker 1: we all want at the end of the day, to
Speaker 1: be able to come home to our home and feel
Speaker 1: like it's fun and feel like it's that we're meant
Speaker 1: to be there, and feel safe. That brings me to
Speaker 1: my next tip. Although you don't have to be best
Speaker 1: friends with someone just because you live in the same home,
Speaker 1: it doesn't hurt by any means to have like some
Speaker 1: kind of social contact. Familiarity is such amazing bonding emotion
Speaker 1: and experience. You don't want to be like the avoiding type.
Speaker 1: You don't want to live in a house of like
Speaker 1: of ghosts, where the silence is like super deafening and
Speaker 1: it's really really lonely. So I think frequent casual contact
Speaker 1: social contact is a really nice way to just bond
Speaker 1: and stay friendly with each other. We used to do
Speaker 1: Sunday dinners each week and everyone was responsible for like
Speaker 1: some part of the meal, and then we would play
Speaker 1: board games and have a whine and just chat or
Speaker 1: go to trivia and bingo host parties together, and then
Speaker 1: it didn't feel like we were just all these strangers
Speaker 1: who had suddenly been placed in like a house together,
Speaker 1: and how to just like find a way to get along,
Speaker 1: like we could actually be friends, we could actually turn
Speaker 1: to one another. So I'm not going to talk about
Speaker 1: cleaning rosters or anything to do with bills or splitting things,
Speaker 1: because I think we know the drill right, Like I
Speaker 1: feel like that is something we will have a pretty
Speaker 1: good understanding of. But I do have two final tips. Firstly,
Speaker 1: don't form groups within the house. Don't gossip about one
Speaker 1: house member solely with another member of the house. Bring
Speaker 1: up your grievances in person, because you don't want to
Speaker 1: create a collective enemy here. It's shit for everybody. You
Speaker 1: don't want to exclude someone like I've had share houses
Speaker 1: or friends in share houses where there's been like three
Speaker 1: members of the house and two of them have become
Speaker 1: super close and just excluded the third person. Don't be
Speaker 1: that person. It's giving high school bully. It keeps people
Speaker 1: isolated and it builds resentment. And secondly, don't and I
Speaker 1: mean do not sleep with your roommates. We have all
Speaker 1: heard the horror stories here. The second you cross that
Speaker 1: Plato line, all rules disappear, all boundaries are gone. It's
Speaker 1: like you've basically moved in together after your first date.
Speaker 1: Not a great start for a healthy relationship if that's
Speaker 1: what you want, and if it's not what you want,
Speaker 1: then it's just really awkward because then suddenly your other
Speaker 1: roommates feel like they're living with this couple that has
Speaker 1: this weird like past, or not quite a couple at all.
Speaker 1: There's so much that can go wrong, there's other people involved.
Speaker 1: You never get the space you need when you've just
Speaker 1: started out like bad idea. Please trust me on this.
Speaker 1: So our final discussion point for the day is when
Speaker 1: do you know it's time to leave the share house
Speaker 1: life behind and live alone? I really believe that everyone
Speaker 1: should live alone at least once, And I know it's
Speaker 1: such a privilege to say that, but if it is
Speaker 1: within your means, the benefits are really endless. You learn
Speaker 1: to value your own company, you get it to you
Speaker 1: decide like exactly how you want to live. You have
Speaker 1: that independence and autonomy of your space. I think although
Speaker 1: the solitude can sometimes be really scary, and that's a
Speaker 1: reason why a lot of us don't do it, it's also
Speaker 1: really important to do scary things every now and again
Speaker 1: and to prove to yourself that you're capable of loving
Speaker 1: your own life, loving your own company, loving your own space.
Speaker 1: When you live alone, you have that time to really
Speaker 1: focus on who you are. I think it leads to
Speaker 1: a lot of increased self awareness because you're not just
Speaker 1: able to distract yourself with very convenient like social interaction.
Speaker 1: It also comes down to what you're willing to kind
Speaker 1: of compromise. Every decision or change like this inevitably comes
Speaker 1: with sacrifice. But do you know, but it's about really
Speaker 1: what you value. It's about what you're willing to give
Speaker 1: up for the benefits, Like do you value your alone
Speaker 1: time more or the convenience of company. Would giving up
Speaker 1: that built in social interaction be harder for you than
Speaker 1: having to give up a certain level of privacy and autonomy.
Speaker 1: That's really an equation that only you can do, a
Speaker 1: decision only you can make. But I do think there
Speaker 1: are some pretty big signs that you are you're ready
Speaker 1: to take that leap. Firstly, a you have the financial
Speaker 1: means to do it. That's just like a number one
Speaker 1: point here. You have to do like a big financial overhaul.
Speaker 1: I think bit of an audit, a bit of an investigation,
Speaker 1: and just make sure you actually have enough leeway to
Speaker 1: be able to afford a solo lifestyle because it naturally
Speaker 1: will be more expensive. You don't want to live by
Speaker 1: yourself for like seven months, realize you can no longer
Speaker 1: afford it and have to go back. But you've already
Speaker 1: gotten the taste of a sweeter fruit. You've already begun
Speaker 1: to adapt to this kind of way of living, and
Speaker 1: suddenly you're back in like the sharehouse with like four
Speaker 1: people who don't know how to wash their dishes. Secondly,
Speaker 1: another reason is if you are increasingly irritated by the
Speaker 1: presence of others, you find yourself hermiting, avoiding your roommates. Thirdly,
Speaker 1: if you have the social supports and like the social
Speaker 1: circle to enable you to spend more time just alone
Speaker 1: in your home without feeling disconnected. Do you need more
Speaker 1: space for yourself, like just literal physical space, like storage space,
Speaker 1: not emotional space. E If your relationship is getting serious
Speaker 1: and you know that the next step may be to
Speaker 1: live together, but you want to have that solo living
Speaker 1: experience before then. And finally, if you're just ready for
Speaker 1: the freedom. That's huge to me at the moment as
Speaker 1: loong with that the reason I gave before, like my
Speaker 1: relationship is getting serious, I'm kind of like, oh, like
Speaker 1: we are going to end up living together. Before we
Speaker 1: do that, I want to live alone. I think living
Speaker 1: alone has always been a really huge goal for me
Speaker 1: because I have a really deep fear of being alone,
Speaker 1: and I want to challenge that at least once in
Speaker 1: my life and stop letting that fear kind of control
Speaker 1: me and keep me in a place of depending on
Speaker 1: other people for company and comfort, even when actually what
Speaker 1: I would rather do is just be by myself. But
Speaker 1: I'm so like almost addicted to that validation of having
Speaker 1: other people around me. That has just gone way too
Speaker 1: deep there, very vulnerable, But honestly, I feel like I'm
Speaker 1: not the only one who has that experience. Sharehouses as
Speaker 1: a conclusion can be great, but they're also just inherently
Speaker 1: a bit of like a mental labyrinth and a bit
Speaker 1: of a hassle at times. It is like so strangely
Speaker 1: intimate when you think about it, Like the home is
Speaker 1: normally something reserved for like a family or people who
Speaker 1: are like in love, and now it's reserved for like
Speaker 1: people who like sometimes don't even know each other, and
Speaker 1: suddenly you're like asleep in the next room, you know.
Speaker 1: Like I said at the beginning, putting a bunch of
Speaker 1: people in a house and expecting it to just work
Speaker 1: is like so implausible. They literally have TV shows about
Speaker 1: that very premise, Like that is what Big Brother is
Speaker 1: about that. That's like how fascinating it is. That's how
Speaker 1: interesting the dynamics get. So if you're living with roommates
Speaker 1: now and they're just kind of getting on your nerves,
Speaker 1: you're in the midst of some like weird tension. I
Speaker 1: feel you we've all been there. Sometimes it is a
Speaker 1: dream and it's super fun. Other times it's just frustrating.
Speaker 1: But I also think It is an important experience of
Speaker 1: our twenties to at least like have those moments, because
Speaker 1: then you'll never take your alone time for granted. Ever again,
Speaker 1: one of my friends said to me, like I she
Speaker 1: was likeing to me, what did she say? She's like,
Speaker 1: I want to push myself to the point of like
Speaker 1: absolutely hating my share like sharehousing, so that I never
Speaker 1: want to go back, and so that I'm never like
Speaker 1: in my thirties or forties being like, oh, I shouldn't
Speaker 1: have spent more time in my share house. Like I
Speaker 1: think we've all been there. We've all been at that point.
Speaker 1: So I really hope that you enjoyed this episode. Remember
Speaker 1: if you're having a shit time right now, everything is temporary,
Speaker 1: and I hope you just like learned something about how
Speaker 1: roommates and sharehouses and communal spaces operate. It is so psychological.
Speaker 1: It comes down to like so many strange theories about
Speaker 1: people's personalities and ways of life and how they were raised.
Speaker 1: So it's no wonder that I think so much drama
Speaker 1: and tension, but also so many good times come from
Speaker 1: the Shiit House. So thank you so much for listening.
Speaker 1: I think I've already said this but I do really
Speaker 1: hope that you've enjoyed this episode. If you have like
Speaker 1: a roommate horror story, send it my way. Maybe we'll
Speaker 1: do like a follow up episode just talking about roommate
Speaker 1: horror stories. I feel like I'm also just nosy and
Speaker 1: I want to I want to know what you guys
Speaker 1: have been through. So if you enjoyed this episode and
Speaker 1: you feel like there is someone else who might benefit
Speaker 1: from it, please feel free to share a link with
Speaker 1: them or leave a five star review wherever you're listening.
Speaker 1: Right now, I read every single review that is left
Speaker 1: for me, and they're really amazing. It's such a beautiful
Speaker 1: point of encouragement, a beautiful part of my week to
Speaker 1: have a little read. And yeah, it's just super lovely
Speaker 1: that there are so many of you out there who
Speaker 1: love this show. So thank you for supporting me so
Speaker 1: much recently. Make sure you're following so that when we
Speaker 1: release new episodes they are delivered right to your feed.
Speaker 1: And as always, we will be back next week with
Speaker 1: another episode.