WEBVTT - Too Much?

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<v Speaker 1>Hey guys, I'm Kaylie Shot and this is too much

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<v Speaker 1>to say. Happy questions it out you all right, guys,

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<v Speaker 1>we're back. Um, it is too much to say. Two

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<v Speaker 1>point oh. I'm very excited about what's going to be

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<v Speaker 1>happening on the podcast and just like new things that

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<v Speaker 1>I have planned. Um, but one of the first new

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<v Speaker 1>things I wanted to bring in was what I have

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<v Speaker 1>too much to say about this week? Like every week,

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<v Speaker 1>I feel like I have something that I'm obsessed with

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<v Speaker 1>that I can't get over, And this week it is

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<v Speaker 1>the album Holy Fuck by Demi Lovato. Um, I literally

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<v Speaker 1>I can't get enough. I think it's such an incredible

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<v Speaker 1>piece of work and um, yeah, the whole thing is amazing.

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<v Speaker 1>Demi has been a huge inspiration of mine for my

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<v Speaker 1>entire teen years and she's been through so much. Also

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<v Speaker 1>side note, she recently went back to she slashed the

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<v Speaker 1>A pronounced, so I'm going to be using both um interchangeably. Um.

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<v Speaker 1>But she has been such a huge influence and I

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<v Speaker 1>always loved that she was so rock driven and her

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<v Speaker 1>music was like, I mean, it was like Disney, but

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<v Speaker 1>it was also really really hardcore rock. And yeah, I mean,

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<v Speaker 1>like you remember her old ones like every Time You

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<v Speaker 1>Lie or Catch Me or my favorite was here We

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<v Speaker 1>Go Again, Like I was obsessed with that song the

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<v Speaker 1>summer before ninth grade. And yeah, but this album, holy fuck.

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<v Speaker 1>It is very aptly titled UM but it is like

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<v Speaker 1>rock rock. And I was listening to their interview with

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<v Speaker 1>Zane Lowe on um Apple Radium and Demmy was talking

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<v Speaker 1>about how like she's had the same like she had

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<v Speaker 1>the same team for so long, and they really pushed

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<v Speaker 1>her in this pop started direction. She was like, I

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<v Speaker 1>was wearing, you know, bodysuits on stage singing pop songs.

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't feel like myself. I wasn't enjoying the performances,

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<v Speaker 1>and like with this album, I'm like so excited to

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<v Speaker 1>play them and it was just very cool and you

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<v Speaker 1>could see how excited she was. I already am getting

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<v Speaker 1>tickets to Nashville and l A on the tour. UM.

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<v Speaker 1>I think it's just going to be incredible. But there's

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<v Speaker 1>The album starts off with a song called Freak by

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<v Speaker 1>Young Blood and Demi wrote it like being inspired by

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<v Speaker 1>coming out as non binary and having people on the

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<v Speaker 1>internet be like you're fucking freak, and it's just such

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<v Speaker 1>a beautiful album that talks a lot about their sexuality

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<v Speaker 1>and experience in the music industry. But I'm going to

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<v Speaker 1>say my favorite song on there has to be twenty nine. Um.

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<v Speaker 1>It is a song about Demi, and um, they're supposed

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<v Speaker 1>I mean, it's I'm not gonna say it because of

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<v Speaker 1>defamation issues, but if you google it or look on Twitter,

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<v Speaker 1>you'll see who the song's about. But it's about somebody

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<v Speaker 1>that Demi dated when they were seventeen and the guy

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<v Speaker 1>was twenty nine. And the lyrics are just so brutal.

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<v Speaker 1>And if you've ever been a girl dating or a

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<v Speaker 1>guy honestly or whatever dating somebody older than you it

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<v Speaker 1>and it's like had an unhealthy power dynamic. This song

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<v Speaker 1>encapsulates it so well. And Um, I have my song eighteen,

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<v Speaker 1>which is on the Open Book Underbridge version, and it's

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<v Speaker 1>one of my favorite songs I've ever written, and this

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<v Speaker 1>kind of feels like similar to that, and so it

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<v Speaker 1>touches a certain part of my heart. Um, that inspired

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<v Speaker 1>me to write eighteen. But I'm going to read some

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<v Speaker 1>of the lyrics from the chorus and then you guys

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<v Speaker 1>are going to go listen to the album, right because

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<v Speaker 1>I haven't shown up about UM Finally twenty nine funny,

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<v Speaker 1>just like you were at the time. I thought it

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<v Speaker 1>was a teenage dream, just to fantasy. But was it

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<v Speaker 1>yours or was it mine? Seventy nine? Ah, it starts

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<v Speaker 1>my feelings. It's so good though, it's so good. So anyways,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm obsessed with the album and UM. I have always

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<v Speaker 1>felt like I would die for dem Mo Boto, but

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<v Speaker 1>the fangirl fangirl me doesn't doesn't go away. So that's

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<v Speaker 1>what I have to just say about this week. Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>So I've had a lot of time during the break

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<v Speaker 1>that we took from the podcast to come up with

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<v Speaker 1>ideas about what I want to talk about because sometimes

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<v Speaker 1>it's like, you know, I'm sure you guys being listeners,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, when there was more ever put into an

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<v Speaker 1>episode than another, and I want to make sure that

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<v Speaker 1>I'm doing that every week. So I was able to

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<v Speaker 1>stockpile some ideas and like, you know, just things I

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<v Speaker 1>wanted to cover because it's a lot of content. I mean,

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<v Speaker 1>like I've been writing three to five songs a week

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm doing a podcast that can be anywhere from

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<v Speaker 1>thirty minutes to an hour, and also trying to come

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<v Speaker 1>up with social content and have some visual things that

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<v Speaker 1>like I'm working on for my for my next project

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<v Speaker 1>and figuring out where I want to go with that.

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<v Speaker 1>So it's like I do only have so much brain,

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<v Speaker 1>So the time off was really great to have. Um

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<v Speaker 1>But on this episode, I have been musing for ideas

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<v Speaker 1>and I wanted to talk about the concept of being

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<v Speaker 1>too much, and that feels very fitting because it's in

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<v Speaker 1>the title and it's like too much to side two

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<v Speaker 1>point oh first episode. But I feel like people get

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<v Speaker 1>told this so much, and it always makes me really

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<v Speaker 1>sad because like, I don't know, I don't know. It's

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<v Speaker 1>like by people telling you that you're too much, it

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<v Speaker 1>feels a lot like being told that you're not enough,

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<v Speaker 1>and then it like makes you feel like you don't

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<v Speaker 1>have any self awareness and that you're just like all

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<v Speaker 1>over the place, and like really, it's just people saying

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<v Speaker 1>they're intimidated by your personality, and usually it's confidence and like,

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<v Speaker 1>obviously I've heard that so many times of my life.

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<v Speaker 1>My best friend Candy has heard that the entirety of

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<v Speaker 1>their lives, and I personally feel like I am attracted

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<v Speaker 1>to people who have been told that because I like relate,

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<v Speaker 1>and then I don't have to worry about making myself

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<v Speaker 1>smaller around these people. Now, the worst kind of version

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<v Speaker 1>is someone who's like, has a very large personality and

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<v Speaker 1>also can't be around people with large personalities because it's like, Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>well that's fucking dumb. But I love being around people

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<v Speaker 1>who like collect friends who are quote unquote too much.

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<v Speaker 1>And really it's like when you I mean, I think

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<v Speaker 1>that some of it goes back to being neurodivergent, Like

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<v Speaker 1>I have a d h D and a lot of

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<v Speaker 1>my friends are um have that or are on the

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<v Speaker 1>autism spectrum. And I've always connected with people very quickly

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<v Speaker 1>who have like a little bit of a quirk or

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<v Speaker 1>you know, are just an artist or just something that

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<v Speaker 1>other people consider quote unquote weird, even though none of

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<v Speaker 1>those things are weird. But I found, like, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm just really comfortable around people who just get to

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<v Speaker 1>the fucking point, you know, Like it's the the tacit

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<v Speaker 1>rules of social interactions where you're not supposed to do

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<v Speaker 1>this and you're not supposed to do that, and none

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<v Speaker 1>of it makes any sense to me. Honestly. The whole

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<v Speaker 1>concept of white lies to protect social norms really stresses

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<v Speaker 1>me out, Like I don't think I'm capable of it,

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<v Speaker 1>and I try really hard, and I think that's why

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<v Speaker 1>I like I've historically gotten along really well with autistic

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<v Speaker 1>people because I'm not offended by bluntness, and I think

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<v Speaker 1>that's a huge characteristic of being on the spectrum. And

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<v Speaker 1>then like they're not offended by bluntness. It's just like

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<v Speaker 1>I don't think I'm harsh. I think i'm efficient. I

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<v Speaker 1>think I say exactly as on my mind, and it's

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<v Speaker 1>not in a like, oh, here's my unsolicit opinion about

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<v Speaker 1>your life way and your personal choices. It's like in

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<v Speaker 1>a I'm not going to waste any words, because why

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<v Speaker 1>would I waste our time like that my time, your time.

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<v Speaker 1>I respect both and just trying to like make my

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<v Speaker 1>language more flowery to deliver something that someone might perceive

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<v Speaker 1>its harsh. It's really exhausting, it's really hard, and I

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<v Speaker 1>just don't The thing is, I just don't know what

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<v Speaker 1>I'm doing it, and so like just coming in hot

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<v Speaker 1>with some real old fashioned black and white communication. People

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<v Speaker 1>think that's too much, but really I'm like, well, what

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<v Speaker 1>I think is too much is beating around the goddamn

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<v Speaker 1>bush for three hours and like making me listen to

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<v Speaker 1>a bunch of stuff that's irrelevant to what you're trying

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<v Speaker 1>to say. And also when people say something but they

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<v Speaker 1>want you to immediately know that they meant something different,

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<v Speaker 1>what the heck is that? What is that? It's like, well,

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<v Speaker 1>you should have known that I meant this. It's like, no,

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<v Speaker 1>I should have No. I don't think that it has

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<v Speaker 1>ever crime to take something that somebody says at face value.

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<v Speaker 1>It is your responsibility to communicate your needs and your

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<v Speaker 1>feelings that if you can't say them out loud, then

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<v Speaker 1>there's probably something wrong with your needs and your feelings. Girls,

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<v Speaker 1>he wouldn't feel so weird about it, right. Obviously that's

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<v Speaker 1>not a universal statement, but I do feel like it

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<v Speaker 1>applies very frequently. And yeah, so I've I've always been

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<v Speaker 1>told that I'm too much. Because of that, I've as

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<v Speaker 1>much as I've had friends that I feel like I

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<v Speaker 1>can be comfortable doing that around. I've also had friends

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<v Speaker 1>in my past who were constantly, like just threatened by

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<v Speaker 1>my very existence, and that's not a healthy friendship to have.

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<v Speaker 1>For self explanatory reasons. Um, but when we come back,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm going to talk about one of the saddest times,

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<v Speaker 1>I had a friend telling me that I was too much,

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<v Speaker 1>and yeah, I agree with that. Okay, we are back

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<v Speaker 1>on too much to say and talking about being too much,

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<v Speaker 1>overwhelming people with your individuality, with your confidence in their intensity.

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<v Speaker 1>And I had a friend and I used to attract

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<v Speaker 1>these people a lot um and I would just find

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<v Speaker 1>like they were constantly trying to make me less and

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<v Speaker 1>I would try to like compete with me in social situations.

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<v Speaker 1>And I didn't really see it as that until I

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<v Speaker 1>got older and until I went to therapy, And honestly,

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<v Speaker 1>I feel like my romantic relationships have been, you know, difficult,

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<v Speaker 1>but nothing is nothing can hurt me quite like a friend,

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<v Speaker 1>because you don't assume you're going to break up, you

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<v Speaker 1>don't like question it, you don't wonder if they're going

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<v Speaker 1>to break up with you. You're just like, okay, cool

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<v Speaker 1>for best friends forever. It's a lot easier to say

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<v Speaker 1>that than it is to say, like, I'm gonna date

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<v Speaker 1>you forever. But like, I've met people and been friends

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<v Speaker 1>with them and immediately been like best friends forever, and

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<v Speaker 1>you would not do that in a relationship like Candy

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<v Speaker 1>and I became friends because Candy literally just walked up

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<v Speaker 1>to me and was like after we played songs E

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<v Speaker 1>for dants together and was like, hey, like do you

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<v Speaker 1>want me friends? And I was like yeah, for sure,

0:10:58.600 --> 0:11:03.080
<v Speaker 1>and then like here we and I think that's beautiful.

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<v Speaker 1>But my more complex really friendships have really like left

0:11:09.040 --> 0:11:12.360
<v Speaker 1>me feeling so insecure and so down on myself. And

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<v Speaker 1>that's what I've had to spend a lot of therapy

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<v Speaker 1>dealing with was my family and my friendships versus ex boyfriends,

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<v Speaker 1>because that feels easy for me to understand. It's like, Okay,

0:11:22.000 --> 0:11:23.720
<v Speaker 1>we don't you didn't like me anyone, that's where we

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<v Speaker 1>broke up. Or you are insecure and needed to end

0:11:27.200 --> 0:11:29.760
<v Speaker 1>the relationship but couldn't do it without cheating on me,

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<v Speaker 1>and you have to do that in order to get out. Okay, fine,

0:11:33.559 --> 0:11:37.920
<v Speaker 1>easy to understand. Not cool, but easy to understand. So

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<v Speaker 1>with this one friend, um, it would be little things. Um.

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<v Speaker 1>We worked together a lot and I I loved working

0:11:45.320 --> 0:11:47.079
<v Speaker 1>with them, and I still get kind of sad thinking

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<v Speaker 1>about it because I missed that creativity I got to have.

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<v Speaker 1>And there's a Dolly Parton song It's like you can't

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<v Speaker 1>make old friends and that's so true. You can't. You can't.

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<v Speaker 1>And so that was hard, like losing the friendship just

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<v Speaker 1>because I wanted an old friend as I was going

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<v Speaker 1>through these like really rough things that inspired up in book.

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<v Speaker 1>But the friend was gone. And I think it was

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<v Speaker 1>a slow burn leading up to that point, but I

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<v Speaker 1>didn't necessarily see it because I just was taking things

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<v Speaker 1>at face value. But there was so much to see

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<v Speaker 1>between the lines. And there was a time that this

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<v Speaker 1>friend and I, um we had. I was releasing a

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<v Speaker 1>song that I wrote with them, and they were releasing

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<v Speaker 1>a song around the same time, and they knew that

0:12:34.480 --> 0:12:36.280
<v Speaker 1>our song we wrote together was coming out, and I

0:12:36.360 --> 0:12:38.760
<v Speaker 1>was like, I would be so excited, Like I just

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<v Speaker 1>think that would be awesome. I don't know, I don't know.

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<v Speaker 1>I was like really pumped to have written the song

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<v Speaker 1>with my friend and how it coming out, and we

0:12:45.520 --> 0:12:47.120
<v Speaker 1>both knew we were have them coming up like the

0:12:47.160 --> 0:12:48.800
<v Speaker 1>same month. I was trying to figure out my release

0:12:48.880 --> 0:12:50.600
<v Speaker 1>date and I had to move it because I got

0:12:50.640 --> 0:12:52.800
<v Speaker 1>a really big radio premiere that I had to take

0:12:52.840 --> 0:12:54.240
<v Speaker 1>them up on and that was the only day they

0:12:54.240 --> 0:12:55.959
<v Speaker 1>could do it. And you don't get to be like, oh,

0:12:56.000 --> 0:12:59.679
<v Speaker 1>never mind, sorry, huge radio conglomerate, Um, we have to

0:12:59.720 --> 0:13:01.400
<v Speaker 1>pick a different day because my friend has a song

0:13:01.480 --> 0:13:04.000
<v Speaker 1>coming out that day, And trutually, I didn't even think

0:13:04.000 --> 0:13:05.199
<v Speaker 1>about it because I was like, oh my god, that's

0:13:05.200 --> 0:13:07.040
<v Speaker 1>gonna be so cool, like they have their single coming

0:13:07.040 --> 0:13:08.920
<v Speaker 1>out and a song they wrote with me coming out

0:13:08.920 --> 0:13:13.080
<v Speaker 1>on the same day, Like how freaking fun. Right, Well,

0:13:13.080 --> 0:13:16.160
<v Speaker 1>they did not feel the same way, and I kind

0:13:16.160 --> 0:13:18.440
<v Speaker 1>of had a pit in my stomach feeling like it

0:13:18.559 --> 0:13:21.400
<v Speaker 1>was going to be contentious when I told them, But

0:13:21.520 --> 0:13:23.360
<v Speaker 1>I was like, I mean, I knew it shouldn't be,

0:13:23.400 --> 0:13:25.240
<v Speaker 1>but I did also know that I was like kind

0:13:25.240 --> 0:13:27.520
<v Speaker 1>of a little bit afraid of this friend and walked

0:13:27.520 --> 0:13:30.640
<v Speaker 1>on eggshells around them because there were so like many

0:13:31.000 --> 0:13:36.000
<v Speaker 1>tacent rules to like dodge and all of that. And

0:13:36.559 --> 0:13:38.720
<v Speaker 1>I remember telling them like, hey, by the way, like

0:13:39.000 --> 0:13:41.600
<v Speaker 1>we had to change the release date because we got

0:13:41.600 --> 0:13:44.080
<v Speaker 1>this huge premiere, like is not so exciting it's our song,

0:13:44.160 --> 0:13:47.200
<v Speaker 1>like it's going to be on the radio. And they

0:13:47.240 --> 0:13:49.920
<v Speaker 1>didn't talk to me for a week and made it

0:13:50.040 --> 0:13:52.160
<v Speaker 1>very clear the reason why they didn't talk to me

0:13:52.200 --> 0:13:56.319
<v Speaker 1>for a week, and it was because like they're like, well,

0:13:56.360 --> 0:13:58.320
<v Speaker 1>I just feel like you're you're stealing my spotlight and

0:13:58.320 --> 0:14:00.120
<v Speaker 1>you're taking my day away from me, and like I

0:14:00.160 --> 0:14:02.600
<v Speaker 1>really wanted that day to be about me and my song,

0:14:02.920 --> 0:14:04.439
<v Speaker 1>and I was like, well, it's about you and both

0:14:04.520 --> 0:14:06.559
<v Speaker 1>your songs, like you know, and I don't think it

0:14:07.160 --> 0:14:09.520
<v Speaker 1>impedes on anything, Like, if anything, I thought it would

0:14:09.520 --> 0:14:11.000
<v Speaker 1>be really cute. We can have like a little party

0:14:11.000 --> 0:14:14.720
<v Speaker 1>together and be like happy release day. But this friend

0:14:14.880 --> 0:14:19.640
<v Speaker 1>was always really threatened by um other other girls in

0:14:19.680 --> 0:14:21.800
<v Speaker 1>the music industry. I think I think that's been a

0:14:21.800 --> 0:14:25.360
<v Speaker 1>recurring problem for them. And yeah, it was just a

0:14:25.440 --> 0:14:29.120
<v Speaker 1>huge bomber and it totally like took the fun out

0:14:29.160 --> 0:14:31.800
<v Speaker 1>of the release for me because I was so sad

0:14:31.880 --> 0:14:34.200
<v Speaker 1>that I was making my friend like hurting my friend's

0:14:34.280 --> 0:14:38.040
<v Speaker 1>feelings and like I wasn't able to like fully be

0:14:38.160 --> 0:14:42.280
<v Speaker 1>present for the release. And they got over it, or

0:14:42.520 --> 0:14:44.360
<v Speaker 1>maybe didn't, but they made it seem like they got

0:14:44.360 --> 0:14:48.200
<v Speaker 1>over it. And then there was a time that I

0:14:48.240 --> 0:14:51.320
<v Speaker 1>was making my opera debut and we were um I

0:14:51.360 --> 0:14:53.120
<v Speaker 1>was playing a song that we wrote together, which I

0:14:53.200 --> 0:14:55.960
<v Speaker 1>was so excited and I've gotten to be at the

0:14:55.960 --> 0:14:58.720
<v Speaker 1>opery when Mickey Guyton sang a song that we wrote

0:14:58.720 --> 0:15:00.960
<v Speaker 1>together and it was like the cool thing ever, Like

0:15:01.000 --> 0:15:03.200
<v Speaker 1>I love when my songs have lives through other people,

0:15:03.720 --> 0:15:06.280
<v Speaker 1>and it was so special and like I just was

0:15:06.320 --> 0:15:09.200
<v Speaker 1>like there to see Mickey doer thing. But when I

0:15:09.320 --> 0:15:12.480
<v Speaker 1>made my opera debut, you only get like a certain

0:15:12.520 --> 0:15:14.240
<v Speaker 1>amount of tickets, like I think you get like ten

0:15:14.760 --> 0:15:18.760
<v Speaker 1>discounted tickets and ten people backstage, which sounds like a lot,

0:15:18.800 --> 0:15:21.200
<v Speaker 1>but it stacks up really quickly because I had my

0:15:21.240 --> 0:15:23.440
<v Speaker 1>two musicians, so that's two people who played with me,

0:15:23.960 --> 0:15:28.280
<v Speaker 1>and then I had, um, you know, my manager, my videographer,

0:15:28.440 --> 0:15:34.000
<v Speaker 1>my other manager, my publicist, his assistant, my agent, I

0:15:34.040 --> 0:15:38.160
<v Speaker 1>think my other agent came, and my publisher. So that's

0:15:38.160 --> 0:15:40.760
<v Speaker 1>ten people already. And I think they even bent the

0:15:40.840 --> 0:15:42.600
<v Speaker 1>roles and let's have some extra people. But my friends

0:15:42.640 --> 0:15:44.760
<v Speaker 1>had to be in the audience, and like it wasn't

0:15:44.760 --> 0:15:46.280
<v Speaker 1>always going to be like that, Like I was going

0:15:46.360 --> 0:15:48.240
<v Speaker 1>to play the opery. I mean I played at like

0:15:48.240 --> 0:15:50.120
<v Speaker 1>twenty five times at this point, so there were many

0:15:50.160 --> 0:15:52.680
<v Speaker 1>other times that I could bring people with me, but

0:15:52.840 --> 0:15:55.240
<v Speaker 1>the first time like had to be it was it

0:15:55.280 --> 0:15:57.880
<v Speaker 1>was very work related. It was fun, but it was

0:15:57.920 --> 0:16:00.000
<v Speaker 1>like a celebration for me and my team. It was

0:16:00.080 --> 0:16:04.800
<v Speaker 1>necessarily a party with my friends backstage, um, and they

0:16:04.800 --> 0:16:09.040
<v Speaker 1>were like really really upset that they weren't backstage, and

0:16:09.080 --> 0:16:14.360
<v Speaker 1>they were really upset that, like they weren't close to

0:16:14.400 --> 0:16:17.680
<v Speaker 1>the stage, and I felt like I wasn't giving them

0:16:17.800 --> 0:16:20.359
<v Speaker 1>enough attention that night, and I had a party afterwards

0:16:20.600 --> 0:16:23.040
<v Speaker 1>because there's a David Busters across the street from the opery,

0:16:23.120 --> 0:16:25.160
<v Speaker 1>so it was like really special and oh and my

0:16:25.200 --> 0:16:27.440
<v Speaker 1>mom was there, like my family came in and like

0:16:27.640 --> 0:16:29.440
<v Speaker 1>that never happens for me, so that was like a

0:16:29.440 --> 0:16:32.280
<v Speaker 1>really big deal. And they just felt like I'd been

0:16:32.440 --> 0:16:35.280
<v Speaker 1>like blowing them off, and I was like, well, I mean,

0:16:35.440 --> 0:16:37.760
<v Speaker 1>I just I'm not I just you're my You're my

0:16:37.800 --> 0:16:39.200
<v Speaker 1>best friend. You know I love you. You You know that

0:16:39.320 --> 0:16:42.560
<v Speaker 1>this is cool, but there's so many people to balance,

0:16:43.080 --> 0:16:47.360
<v Speaker 1>and they just felt like I was being like sucking

0:16:47.400 --> 0:16:49.600
<v Speaker 1>the air out of the room and needing to be

0:16:49.640 --> 0:16:52.600
<v Speaker 1>a diva and not being able to acknowledge them, which

0:16:52.640 --> 0:16:57.440
<v Speaker 1>is like so incorrect, and it just made me feel

0:16:57.560 --> 0:16:59.800
<v Speaker 1>so bad, and like at the time, I was like, oh,

0:16:59.800 --> 0:17:02.040
<v Speaker 1>my on, I'm a horrible friend. Like I wasn't like, oh,

0:17:02.080 --> 0:17:05.560
<v Speaker 1>you're asking unrealistic things for me, and actually it feels

0:17:05.560 --> 0:17:07.320
<v Speaker 1>like you're trying to suck the air out of the room.

0:17:07.480 --> 0:17:09.800
<v Speaker 1>I was just like, wow, I'm a horrible friend. This sucks.

0:17:10.880 --> 0:17:14.600
<v Speaker 1>And as time has gone on, I've been like able

0:17:14.680 --> 0:17:17.240
<v Speaker 1>to and I still work on it because I've had

0:17:17.280 --> 0:17:19.520
<v Speaker 1>a lot of times, especially in the past year and

0:17:19.560 --> 0:17:21.680
<v Speaker 1>a half, like, as I've gone through some really hard

0:17:21.920 --> 0:17:28.320
<v Speaker 1>friendship losses, I've been so insecure and questioned myself in

0:17:28.400 --> 0:17:32.080
<v Speaker 1>social settings and felt like I don't know what I'm doing,

0:17:32.480 --> 0:17:35.120
<v Speaker 1>and then I'm just like flailing about and everyone can

0:17:35.119 --> 0:17:37.240
<v Speaker 1>tell how awkward I am accept me and that I

0:17:37.240 --> 0:17:39.359
<v Speaker 1>have no self awareness, which is like my deepest fear,

0:17:39.560 --> 0:17:42.600
<v Speaker 1>because there's nothing worse than being a completely different human

0:17:42.600 --> 0:17:45.000
<v Speaker 1>than you think you are. Like that stresses me out

0:17:45.040 --> 0:17:48.240
<v Speaker 1>so much, and so I actually think I have pretty

0:17:48.240 --> 0:17:50.880
<v Speaker 1>good self awareness. But even as I'm saying these things

0:17:50.880 --> 0:17:52.960
<v Speaker 1>and I kind of know them, I'm still doubting myself.

0:17:53.000 --> 0:17:57.560
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, no, you don't, and it's just been a

0:17:57.560 --> 0:18:02.600
<v Speaker 1>difficult process to be fully my elf. But I'm also like, Okay,

0:18:02.960 --> 0:18:05.320
<v Speaker 1>I don't work in a cubicle and I don't have

0:18:05.359 --> 0:18:07.639
<v Speaker 1>a boss who needs me to dress the same as

0:18:07.640 --> 0:18:09.719
<v Speaker 1>everybody else. And I've had those jobs and all that

0:18:09.800 --> 0:18:12.119
<v Speaker 1>like I'm like, I'm an artist, and I, to some

0:18:12.240 --> 0:18:16.520
<v Speaker 1>extent get to do whatever the funk I want in

0:18:16.560 --> 0:18:19.159
<v Speaker 1>certain areas of my life, and so why would I

0:18:19.200 --> 0:18:22.560
<v Speaker 1>conform to somebody else's expectation to me when I have

0:18:22.680 --> 0:18:26.040
<v Speaker 1>the freedom in the way that my life is set

0:18:26.119 --> 0:18:28.400
<v Speaker 1>up and the way my life functions to be completely

0:18:28.480 --> 0:18:34.840
<v Speaker 1>myself and I am no longer going to entertain thoughts

0:18:35.400 --> 0:18:41.080
<v Speaker 1>about being too intense or being too loud, or talking

0:18:41.119 --> 0:18:45.840
<v Speaker 1>too much, or you know, just acting like myself. And

0:18:46.400 --> 0:18:49.359
<v Speaker 1>my friends know those traits about me, and clearly it

0:18:49.359 --> 0:18:52.320
<v Speaker 1>doesn't bother them because they're still around. The ones who

0:18:52.320 --> 0:18:56.280
<v Speaker 1>couldn't handle it are gone. Um, And I care so

0:18:56.359 --> 0:18:58.920
<v Speaker 1>deeply about people, and I really love being around them

0:18:59.200 --> 0:19:00.760
<v Speaker 1>and I love getting to know them. And I don't

0:19:00.760 --> 0:19:03.639
<v Speaker 1>like how I feel when I'm socially anxious, Like I

0:19:03.760 --> 0:19:05.520
<v Speaker 1>really hate it because it doesn't feel like me and

0:19:05.560 --> 0:19:06.960
<v Speaker 1>it doesn't feel like the core of who I am.

0:19:07.040 --> 0:19:10.080
<v Speaker 1>So I'm working on that, and may we all feel

0:19:10.080 --> 0:19:13.000
<v Speaker 1>more comfortable taking up space in the world and being

0:19:13.080 --> 0:19:16.760
<v Speaker 1>our fullest selves, but also you know, knowing when to

0:19:16.760 --> 0:19:19.640
<v Speaker 1>tone it down and like let things be about other people.

0:19:19.680 --> 0:19:22.879
<v Speaker 1>I think there's also a balance there. But thank you

0:19:22.920 --> 0:19:24.480
<v Speaker 1>so much for listening. This is too much to say.

0:19:24.520 --> 0:19:27.840
<v Speaker 1>Two point oh thank you guys for sticking around during

0:19:27.880 --> 0:19:30.360
<v Speaker 1>the Minnisota era. But we were back and I will

0:19:30.359 --> 0:19:32.000
<v Speaker 1>see you next week. On too much to say, I'm

0:19:32.040 --> 0:19:42.919
<v Speaker 1>Kaylie Shure You'll have a good one. Don't go asking questions.

0:19:41.760 --> 0:19:46.280
<v Speaker 1>U turn it out. You