1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:03,720 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 2 00:00:03,800 --> 00:00:07,800 Speaker 1: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in 3 00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:10,400 Speaker 1: the world, it is so great to have you here, 4 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:14,280 Speaker 1: back for another episode as we, of course break down 5 00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:20,000 Speaker 1: the psychology of our twenties. Today, we have finally arrived 6 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:23,480 Speaker 1: at the lucky last in our birth Order series. If 7 00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:25,680 Speaker 1: you've been tuned in for a while over the last 8 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:29,280 Speaker 1: six months, I would say we've done like a dedicated 9 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:34,760 Speaker 1: episode for every sibling in the family, so eldest, middle, youngest, 10 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:38,800 Speaker 1: and in my last Birth Order episode, I said the 11 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,280 Speaker 1: youngest child would be the last episode we would do. 12 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:45,720 Speaker 1: And boy, oh boy, did I hear your outrage. I 13 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:49,640 Speaker 1: heard and got so many dms from you all and 14 00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:53,680 Speaker 1: emails demanding that I do an episode on the youngest 15 00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:56,360 Speaker 1: child and my friends. I'm so sorry that I forgot 16 00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:59,760 Speaker 1: about you, but I have listened and I got my 17 00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:03,360 Speaker 1: research inter gear to deliver you the episode you all 18 00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:06,000 Speaker 1: wanted so much. So for all of you who messaged 19 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:09,000 Speaker 1: me asking for this, I promise I did not forget. 20 00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:11,759 Speaker 1: The only child is just so special that they needed 21 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:16,560 Speaker 1: their own dedicated week in dedicated episode. And here it is. 22 00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:19,679 Speaker 1: This is it with the amount of families, I think 23 00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:24,120 Speaker 1: choosing to have only one child in this day and age, honestly, 24 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:26,080 Speaker 1: we need to talk about it more right because the 25 00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:29,000 Speaker 1: research is getting more and more interesting by the day, 26 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:32,920 Speaker 1: and more subjects are becoming available, and only children are 27 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:36,240 Speaker 1: becoming so much more common. We've also had an entire 28 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:40,960 Speaker 1: country where they basically did an experiment on only children, 29 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,440 Speaker 1: as in, like you think about China's one child policy. 30 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:47,960 Speaker 1: They were like this perfect experimental condition where so many 31 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:51,320 Speaker 1: people obviously only had one child, and it's this rare 32 00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:55,560 Speaker 1: opportunity to really see how this experience of growing up, 33 00:01:56,440 --> 00:02:00,200 Speaker 1: you know, as the only child, as the only child 34 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:02,920 Speaker 1: in the family normally with the full attention of your 35 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:08,280 Speaker 1: true parents does impact your personality. I also want to 36 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:12,120 Speaker 1: discuss some of the stereotypes about only children, the long 37 00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:17,600 Speaker 1: standing stereotypes, and how they are actually deeply incorrect and 38 00:02:17,639 --> 00:02:20,320 Speaker 1: why they have come to be. We're also going to 39 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:25,480 Speaker 1: discuss only child and parent dynamics, the pressure of needing 40 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:29,240 Speaker 1: to take care of your parents as you get older, parentification, 41 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:34,360 Speaker 1: also the different kinds of situations that may also impact 42 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:37,560 Speaker 1: the only child experience, so being the only child in 43 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:41,000 Speaker 1: a single person household, being the only child, but having 44 00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:44,320 Speaker 1: step siblings, having lots of cousins. There's so many ways 45 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:47,480 Speaker 1: this can go. We're going to hopefully tackle every single 46 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:49,639 Speaker 1: one of them. You know, I don't like to ramble 47 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:52,400 Speaker 1: too much at the beginning of these birth order episodes 48 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:55,360 Speaker 1: because I always end up spoiling some of the best 49 00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:57,840 Speaker 1: parts in like the first five minutes, So I'm not 50 00:02:57,919 --> 00:03:01,000 Speaker 1: going to do that here. I'm going to the psychology 51 00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:04,680 Speaker 1: and the research speak for itself. So without further ado, 52 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:09,200 Speaker 1: let's break down the unique and fascinating psychology of only children. 53 00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:18,600 Speaker 1: So let's do a quick recap of birth order theory, 54 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:21,960 Speaker 1: the argument for it but also against it. If you 55 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:24,239 Speaker 1: are a loyal listener and you have kept up to 56 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:26,960 Speaker 1: date with the whole series, firstly, thank you so much. 57 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:31,120 Speaker 1: But secondly, this might sound just a wee bit repetitive 58 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:33,760 Speaker 1: because we have spoken about it a little bit. Feel 59 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:36,280 Speaker 1: free to jump ahead, like five to seven minutes to 60 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:38,839 Speaker 1: where we get into the juicy stuff. But for those 61 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:42,960 Speaker 1: of you who don't know what birth order theory is, basically, 62 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:48,040 Speaker 1: it is a major theory on human personality. Now, personality, 63 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:51,960 Speaker 1: we typically think of it as being shaped by two things, 64 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:57,600 Speaker 1: nature and nurture. So we are obviously a product of genetics, 65 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:00,960 Speaker 1: but we are also a product of parenting style and 66 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:05,720 Speaker 1: food and country of birth and so many things. But essentially, 67 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:09,480 Speaker 1: all the things that scientists and researchers believe impact our 68 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:14,440 Speaker 1: personality can either be from our environment or from our nature. 69 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:18,320 Speaker 1: So our genetic blueprint who we were born to be. Now, 70 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:21,280 Speaker 1: the position we are born into in a family, and 71 00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:24,359 Speaker 1: whether we have siblings or not, that is part of 72 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:28,280 Speaker 1: our environment, and it falls into the nurture category. It 73 00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:31,719 Speaker 1: influences our personality because of how it impacts how we 74 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:36,240 Speaker 1: are raised and experienced the world as children, which leaves 75 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:39,839 Speaker 1: an impression and impact that carries on into adulthood. The 76 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:43,440 Speaker 1: thing that really defines the only child experience is that 77 00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:51,000 Speaker 1: they don't obviously have siblings. It's their I guess, solitude, isolation, 78 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:56,040 Speaker 1: their singularity. That is the thing that is the kind 79 00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:59,000 Speaker 1: of point of fascination for a lot of researchers. It 80 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:02,560 Speaker 1: is just them. So our examination of what might influence 81 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:05,839 Speaker 1: the personality of an only child comes down to the 82 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:09,600 Speaker 1: absence of siblings rather than the presence of siblings, as 83 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:14,200 Speaker 1: it does for eldest, middle and youngest children. So back 84 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:17,320 Speaker 1: to this theory. The man who developed birth order theory 85 00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:21,000 Speaker 1: was a man named Alfred Adler, and he was known 86 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:22,880 Speaker 1: for a lot of things in his time. You may 87 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:26,800 Speaker 1: have heard of him because of the inferiority complex. That's 88 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:30,080 Speaker 1: one of the other famous ones. He was very busy 89 00:05:30,279 --> 00:05:33,160 Speaker 1: during the mid nineteen hundreds, but birth order theory is 90 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:37,520 Speaker 1: probably what he's most well known for. And again, it 91 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:41,719 Speaker 1: basically says that being the oldest, youngest, middle or only 92 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:46,960 Speaker 1: child will affect what characteristics and traits you develop over time, 93 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,359 Speaker 1: both when you are a child, when you're a teenager, 94 00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:54,080 Speaker 1: and as an adult. Let's be very very clear, birth 95 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:57,720 Speaker 1: order theory is not a medical prescription. It is not 96 00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:01,560 Speaker 1: going to offer you any kind of psychological diagnosis. It 97 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:04,520 Speaker 1: is a theory and a theory with gaps at that 98 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:08,760 Speaker 1: with exceptions, with flaws, like any other theory. And you know, 99 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:14,280 Speaker 1: large scientific studies on this theory are really difficult to conduct. 100 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:19,200 Speaker 1: One did take place in twenty fifteen, and it did 101 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:23,240 Speaker 1: find that it's very hard to get a diverse enough 102 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,600 Speaker 1: amount of people, or to get enough people who want 103 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:30,200 Speaker 1: to participate to really sometimes draw conclusions. And so we 104 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:34,440 Speaker 1: do need to be careful about pigeonholing people purely based 105 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,480 Speaker 1: on the position in the family they were born in 106 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:40,560 Speaker 1: and whether or not they have siblings. I think that's 107 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:44,159 Speaker 1: worth noting at the top of the episode, You're going 108 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:47,039 Speaker 1: to hear a lot of ideas today. They are not 109 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:50,880 Speaker 1: strict ideas. They do not determine exactly the person you are. 110 00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:55,760 Speaker 1: In my mind, discussing birth order theory really fills the 111 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:59,359 Speaker 1: same role as talking about personality tests. They're really fun, 112 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:02,880 Speaker 1: they use, and they do provide a structure or guide 113 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:06,200 Speaker 1: for better understanding where we sit in relation to others, 114 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:10,280 Speaker 1: and they do help us better understand the traits within 115 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:13,120 Speaker 1: ourselves and the things that we may not have considered 116 00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:16,360 Speaker 1: about the way we are. But taking a personality test 117 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:18,560 Speaker 1: and then saying well, that's everything I'm ever going to 118 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:22,960 Speaker 1: be is not the healthiest thing. Neither is listening to 119 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:25,520 Speaker 1: an episode like this and saying, Okay, well, I'm an 120 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:28,240 Speaker 1: only child, so this is my destiny. I always want 121 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:31,720 Speaker 1: to be somewhat cautious when discussing birth order theory because 122 00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:36,640 Speaker 1: it does exist in a much larger ecosystem of factors, ideas, events, 123 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:40,120 Speaker 1: situations that impact why we are the way we are. 124 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:43,520 Speaker 1: In my personal experience. Though I am the eldest child, 125 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:46,640 Speaker 1: I'm the eldest daughter, and I have found that a 126 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:49,080 Speaker 1: lot of what people say about me as an oldest 127 00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:53,840 Speaker 1: child does really apply, and a lot of what people 128 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:57,760 Speaker 1: say about my middle sister and my younger sister also 129 00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:02,240 Speaker 1: really apply. So anecdotally, I do tend to believe some 130 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:06,560 Speaker 1: of the theories propositions. But let's now turn to the 131 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:09,720 Speaker 1: star of the show, the only child. Let's start by 132 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:13,680 Speaker 1: talking about the stereotypes or what pop culture would have 133 00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:17,680 Speaker 1: to say about only children and how they're routinely depicted. 134 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:22,480 Speaker 1: The portrayed or expected traits of an only child that 135 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:26,160 Speaker 1: you might commonly hear about are typically based on the 136 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,840 Speaker 1: fact that they are the only child in the house. 137 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:33,720 Speaker 1: Because of their family dynamic or structure, only children typically 138 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:38,000 Speaker 1: spend a more time alone and second to that be 139 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:42,040 Speaker 1: more time in the company of adults compared to someone 140 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:46,600 Speaker 1: with siblings. Because they are their parents' only child, we 141 00:08:46,679 --> 00:08:49,960 Speaker 1: also expect that they get more attention. You know, someone 142 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:54,880 Speaker 1: with two or three or four siblings will rarely have 143 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:58,679 Speaker 1: the undervoted attention of both parents for very long, but 144 00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:02,880 Speaker 1: for an only child that might be quite typical. It 145 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:05,319 Speaker 1: has a lot of upsides. It also has some downsides, 146 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:09,320 Speaker 1: which we'll talk about later. It's not just the time commitment, 147 00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:16,400 Speaker 1: it's also money, care, resources, presence. All of those things 148 00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:20,520 Speaker 1: kind of lead people to think of only children as 149 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:27,920 Speaker 1: quite spoilt. They're quite spoilt, they're a little bit diva ish. 150 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,160 Speaker 1: That's kind of the profile that we typically think of. 151 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:34,200 Speaker 1: I honestly think that's kind of funny, Like, you know, 152 00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:37,280 Speaker 1: having more love from your parents is somehow a bad 153 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:41,200 Speaker 1: thing and like makes you spoilt. Like I don't see 154 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:44,760 Speaker 1: how exactly that makes sense, Like, oh, you have more love? 155 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:48,040 Speaker 1: Like fuck you, Like what's your problem? You know what 156 00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:50,600 Speaker 1: I mean. But that's sometimes what people tend to think. 157 00:09:50,679 --> 00:09:54,080 Speaker 1: And you know, in comparison to someone with siblings, people 158 00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:58,880 Speaker 1: might call that overindulged. People have really suggested that this 159 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:03,720 Speaker 1: is particularly evident, this over endulgulg spoilt nature when these 160 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:07,559 Speaker 1: children are around other kids, because they haven't learned how 161 00:10:07,559 --> 00:10:10,480 Speaker 1: to share, they haven't learned how to compromise. They're used 162 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:13,640 Speaker 1: to getting what they want. That's the general profile of 163 00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:17,880 Speaker 1: the only child. Let's mythbust this assumption for a second, 164 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:22,280 Speaker 1: because it turns out this actually has no scientific basis. 165 00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:27,120 Speaker 1: This has no basis. Only children are not more spoilt, 166 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:30,920 Speaker 1: they're not more stuck up. This stereotype in theory or myth, 167 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:35,400 Speaker 1: actually dates back to propaganda used during an era in 168 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:40,479 Speaker 1: the US and in Europe where birth rates were declining 169 00:10:40,559 --> 00:10:46,079 Speaker 1: after World War Two. Population growth was stagnant or had fallen, 170 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:50,640 Speaker 1: and these governments needed to convince people to have as 171 00:10:50,679 --> 00:10:53,599 Speaker 1: many babies as possible. Now, they did this in a 172 00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:56,120 Speaker 1: few ways, and one way that they did do it 173 00:10:56,200 --> 00:11:01,680 Speaker 1: was by essentially creating this idea or promoting this research 174 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:05,680 Speaker 1: that if you only have one child, your child is 175 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:11,160 Speaker 1: going to end up jealous, selfish, dominating other people, very jealous, 176 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:13,800 Speaker 1: they're going to end up with someone who doesn't know 177 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:17,200 Speaker 1: how to behave And you know, back then, manners were 178 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:21,880 Speaker 1: literally everything, and so that did kind of scare people 179 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,640 Speaker 1: into thinking, well, am I really giving my child a 180 00:11:24,679 --> 00:11:28,360 Speaker 1: good life if I'm not giving them a sibling. Where 181 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:31,280 Speaker 1: did they even get this idea from. Well, according to 182 00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:36,040 Speaker 1: the American Psychological Association, it came from a paper from 183 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,640 Speaker 1: the end of the eighteen hundreds, I think eighteen ninety 184 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:44,120 Speaker 1: eight titled a Study of Peculiar and Exceptional Children. And 185 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:47,680 Speaker 1: this study was based on the observations of a psychiatrist 186 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,880 Speaker 1: at the time who saw a bunch of kids and 187 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:55,000 Speaker 1: reported that more and more he only saw only children. 188 00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:58,560 Speaker 1: The majority of his clients were only children, and he 189 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:01,920 Speaker 1: concluded that you, given so many of these only children 190 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:05,880 Speaker 1: needed to see him, they must be particularly at risk 191 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:09,600 Speaker 1: of what we would nowadays what was then called neuroticism, 192 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:13,080 Speaker 1: what we would now call poor mental health or mental illness. 193 00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:17,320 Speaker 1: So that's what he kind of drew from his shallow 194 00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:22,400 Speaker 1: observations of the fifty to seventy clients that he saw. Now, 195 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:26,240 Speaker 1: for my psychology students, you are probably seeing some huge 196 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:29,480 Speaker 1: problems with this study, because this is a great example 197 00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:33,440 Speaker 1: of what happens when you don't control for your extraneous 198 00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:39,000 Speaker 1: and confounding variables and you don't have a proper randomized sample. 199 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:43,880 Speaker 1: This man was basing all of his conclusions only on 200 00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:47,679 Speaker 1: what he saw at his very small practice, And it 201 00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:51,200 Speaker 1: turns out there was a much more plausible explanation for 202 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:54,680 Speaker 1: why this trend had emerged. Why he was seeing so 203 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:58,640 Speaker 1: many only children. It wasn't because kids without siblings were 204 00:12:58,679 --> 00:13:03,040 Speaker 1: more troubled or malae adjusted. It was simply because their 205 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:07,080 Speaker 1: parents were highly vigilant. All of their focus was on 206 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:10,440 Speaker 1: this kid, and if they saw something they couldn't understand 207 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:13,680 Speaker 1: or had trouble dealing with, they sought help to try 208 00:13:13,679 --> 00:13:16,719 Speaker 1: and comprehend it. You now, if you have four or 209 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:20,160 Speaker 1: five seven children, that's so much harder to do. It's 210 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:25,240 Speaker 1: so much harder to just notice small moments of unhappiness 211 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:29,040 Speaker 1: or small quirks that you think need addressing. A lot 212 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:33,040 Speaker 1: of that gets lost in the noise and the busyness. Actually, 213 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:37,160 Speaker 1: this is the truth. Only children tend to have more 214 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,920 Speaker 1: advanced lingual and reasoning skills and do better on IQ 215 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:44,319 Speaker 1: tests early in life because of the gift of their 216 00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:48,760 Speaker 1: parents full attention. This can also sometimes be actually overwhelming 217 00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:51,760 Speaker 1: for them because there's a lot of pressure to succeed 218 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:54,440 Speaker 1: and to do well, which we will obviously get to 219 00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:57,800 Speaker 1: a little bit later on. But essentially, there is no 220 00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:01,520 Speaker 1: correlation between being an only child and our level of 221 00:14:01,679 --> 00:14:05,280 Speaker 1: entitlement or anything like that. In fact, to give you 222 00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:08,520 Speaker 1: further evidence of this, a study was conducted at the 223 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:12,280 Speaker 1: University of Alabama a little while ago, and this the 224 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:17,760 Speaker 1: researchers got almost nine thousand college students and administered what 225 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:21,400 Speaker 1: we call a measure of narcissism or a measure sorry, 226 00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:24,200 Speaker 1: or a narcissism test. So basically, they had all these 227 00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:25,720 Speaker 1: students and they said, we're going to give you a 228 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:28,800 Speaker 1: couple of quizzes I guess, one of which was a 229 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:33,200 Speaker 1: narcissism test, and there was no difference in performance on 230 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:36,960 Speaker 1: that test who was labeled a narcissist between people who 231 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,920 Speaker 1: grew up as an only child versus people who grew 232 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:45,080 Speaker 1: up with siblings. Similarly, a nineteen eighty seven qualitative review 233 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:49,080 Speaker 1: of one hundred and forty one studies on sixteen different 234 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:53,080 Speaker 1: personality traits also failed to support the opinion that only 235 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:58,720 Speaker 1: children are more maladjusted, spoil entitled, and need more pampering. 236 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:02,040 Speaker 1: There was no evidence, no evidence of that at all. 237 00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:06,400 Speaker 1: So what do we know about the personalities of only 238 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:10,680 Speaker 1: children now that we've gotten over those myths. Well, first off, 239 00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:15,040 Speaker 1: we know that only children are typically more emotionally and 240 00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:19,600 Speaker 1: socially sensitive and mature. If you spend most of your 241 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:23,120 Speaker 1: time with adults growing up, you mimic their behavior and 242 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:27,000 Speaker 1: learn social cues from them the way that you otherwise 243 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:30,480 Speaker 1: would have mimicked the behavior of siblings or other children. 244 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:34,840 Speaker 1: So only children learn very early on how to get 245 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:38,680 Speaker 1: along with adults. They have more advanced social skills, and 246 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:41,520 Speaker 1: that is a huge advantage as they grow up and 247 00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:45,400 Speaker 1: they become teenagers and twenty somethings in adults, because their 248 00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:50,480 Speaker 1: social sensitivity for getting along in the adult world is 249 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:54,600 Speaker 1: typically more well developed. Sometimes that can actually make it 250 00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:58,720 Speaker 1: harder for them to make friends with people their own age, 251 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:01,920 Speaker 1: or to day eight people their own age, or to 252 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:05,800 Speaker 1: just feel like a kid and really sink deeply into 253 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,720 Speaker 1: the age and phase they are at. You know, you 254 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:12,360 Speaker 1: might be eighteen nineteen twenty one and everyone's going out 255 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:16,280 Speaker 1: and getting drunk, and you might not feel like you're 256 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:19,760 Speaker 1: made for that because you've had this advanced sense of 257 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:24,840 Speaker 1: maturity for so long. Only children are also typically perfectionists, 258 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:29,000 Speaker 1: very similar to eldest children. Actually, eldest and only children 259 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:32,760 Speaker 1: share a lot of similar traits and experiences, which is 260 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:36,120 Speaker 1: why I think I get only children so deeply, because 261 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:39,880 Speaker 1: you know, an eldest child has at some stage been 262 00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:42,760 Speaker 1: the only child before their siblings came along and made 263 00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:47,440 Speaker 1: them the eldest, So our early experiences are probably very similar. 264 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:51,600 Speaker 1: And the only child and eldest child typically do both 265 00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:55,520 Speaker 1: find that they face extreme pressure from their parents to 266 00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:59,200 Speaker 1: be successful because a lot of their hopes and dreams 267 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:03,320 Speaker 1: right on them. They might face our greater academic pressure, 268 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:09,800 Speaker 1: greater physical pressure, all these kinds of things your parents. 269 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,720 Speaker 1: I guess the reason why this happens is because your parents, 270 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,359 Speaker 1: and I hate to use this phrase, but it does 271 00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:18,399 Speaker 1: come easiest if you're an only child. They don't have 272 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:23,160 Speaker 1: a backup, and so all their ambitions are concentrated in you. 273 00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:26,720 Speaker 1: It's only natural, you know, even parents who don't say 274 00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:29,800 Speaker 1: it out loud still secretly want their child to succeed, 275 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:32,959 Speaker 1: not just for their child's sake, but also so they 276 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:36,240 Speaker 1: can kind of say, hey, look at that, here's proof 277 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:38,159 Speaker 1: that I was a good parent, that I did a 278 00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:42,080 Speaker 1: good job because my child has succeeded. Normally, that is 279 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:46,120 Speaker 1: diffused over a couple of children, and if you don't 280 00:17:46,119 --> 00:17:48,480 Speaker 1: have any other siblings, it means that it's all going 281 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:52,520 Speaker 1: to be concentrated on you. And that is a whole 282 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:58,520 Speaker 1: lot of pressure that translates to very high personal expectations, 283 00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:01,320 Speaker 1: which I'm sure I don't have to tell you twice. 284 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:04,879 Speaker 1: In fact, the same study from nineteen eighty seven that 285 00:18:05,359 --> 00:18:09,879 Speaker 1: disproved the spoilt Brat myth about only children did find 286 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:15,399 Speaker 1: that they do possess higher achievement related motivation and higher 287 00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:19,040 Speaker 1: levels of perfectionism. That can be very difficult to manage. 288 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:21,199 Speaker 1: And it's not just that our parents are putting pressure 289 00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:23,960 Speaker 1: on us, but that eventually we do begin to put 290 00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:29,160 Speaker 1: pressure on ourselves and feel like output and whatever we 291 00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:34,119 Speaker 1: produce achievements is all we are worth. Here's some slightly 292 00:18:34,119 --> 00:18:37,280 Speaker 1: better news, though, only children are actually more content with 293 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:40,199 Speaker 1: their own company. So that's great in a day and 294 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:42,000 Speaker 1: age when you know a lot of people are saying 295 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:47,760 Speaker 1: we're experiencing a loneliness epidemic. Being able to enjoy your 296 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:51,720 Speaker 1: own company and space is one hundred percent an asset. 297 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:55,879 Speaker 1: There was a really fascinating study I actually discovered in 298 00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:59,640 Speaker 1: researching this episode that only children are actually more likely 299 00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:03,760 Speaker 1: to have imaginary friends when they're younger to entertain themselves. 300 00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:06,480 Speaker 1: And as we grow up, the parts of us that 301 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:09,879 Speaker 1: can imagine things to keep us busy and entertained and happy, 302 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:14,400 Speaker 1: they don't go away, so we can become quite creative. Actually, 303 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:18,720 Speaker 1: if you are an only child, please let me know. 304 00:19:19,119 --> 00:19:22,720 Speaker 1: Tell me if you had any imaginary friends growing up, 305 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:25,640 Speaker 1: and like what their names were, so you can help 306 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:28,880 Speaker 1: me confirm some of these findings. You know, I love 307 00:19:29,359 --> 00:19:32,920 Speaker 1: hearing about this from people because kids are Seriously, they 308 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:36,520 Speaker 1: have the craziest imaginations. When I was a kid, before 309 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:38,760 Speaker 1: my sisters were born, and I was an only child 310 00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:42,280 Speaker 1: for five years, I did have an imaginary friend called 311 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:45,919 Speaker 1: Oslan who was a lion, and he lived in this 312 00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:48,760 Speaker 1: land I had created, and he would come from that 313 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,159 Speaker 1: land and like sleep in my closet when I was 314 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,760 Speaker 1: going to sleep and take care of me. I have 315 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:57,400 Speaker 1: such vivid memories memories of him, like, and I say 316 00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:59,680 Speaker 1: memories right, Like, it's not like we made these memories, 317 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:04,520 Speaker 1: such vivid visions of this character. Sometimes it feels like 318 00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:07,680 Speaker 1: a movie. So if you can relate and you had 319 00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:10,600 Speaker 1: an imaginary friend growing up, drop their name in the 320 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:13,280 Speaker 1: comment below, tell us about this imaginary friend. Let their 321 00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:17,560 Speaker 1: like legend live on in our minds as well. Only children, 322 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:19,800 Speaker 1: if you hadn't already guessed it as well, are quite 323 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:25,280 Speaker 1: creative because of this, and quite independent. In fact, most 324 00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:31,520 Speaker 1: only children will say they prefer to complete tasks alone. 325 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:35,400 Speaker 1: One downside of this is that sometimes they can struggle 326 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:40,240 Speaker 1: with joint decision making. Not because they are bossy or arrogant, no, 327 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:43,840 Speaker 1: but because they just haven't had to do it so 328 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,040 Speaker 1: much growing up, they can find it hard to compromise. 329 00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:50,040 Speaker 1: And by finding it hard to compromise, I mean they 330 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:55,480 Speaker 1: can either give way too much or give in too little. 331 00:20:56,119 --> 00:20:59,879 Speaker 1: A struggle with shared decision making or joint decision making 332 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:05,520 Speaker 1: could impact some people's long term relationships. Now I'm going 333 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:08,280 Speaker 1: to talk about this next study for a second. Please 334 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:09,879 Speaker 1: take it with a grain of salt. Remember what we 335 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,600 Speaker 1: said at the top of the episode. This is not destiny, 336 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:17,800 Speaker 1: but study using data from more than fifty seven thousand 337 00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:21,720 Speaker 1: people collected by the University of Chicago's National Opinion Research 338 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:24,879 Speaker 1: Center between I think it was like forty years or 339 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:28,560 Speaker 1: like the seventies and the twenty tens. They did find 340 00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:33,240 Speaker 1: that only children were slightly more likely to get divorced 341 00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:37,520 Speaker 1: than people with siblings, and they attributed it to difficulty 342 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:40,879 Speaker 1: with shared decision making. So what they found in their 343 00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:45,600 Speaker 1: study or their research was that each additional sibling is 344 00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:49,679 Speaker 1: associated with a three percent drop in the chance of divorce. 345 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:54,119 Speaker 1: Sounds very significant, but people with lots of siblings are 346 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:58,880 Speaker 1: also less likely to get married. I'll also say this 347 00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:02,280 Speaker 1: is from seven thousand people. That does sound like a 348 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:05,520 Speaker 1: lot of people, But that is over forty thousand years, 349 00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:09,919 Speaker 1: and it's aggregated, and it's not a prescription to you 350 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:13,399 Speaker 1: and you only because within that group there were also 351 00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:18,560 Speaker 1: a lot of only children whose marriages were absolutely incredible. 352 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:22,240 Speaker 1: So it is limited and it's just data. It tells 353 00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:26,280 Speaker 1: a story, but not necessarily your story. So with all 354 00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:29,240 Speaker 1: of this in mind, if we put all these findings 355 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:33,600 Speaker 1: together and then dig even deeper, what does being an 356 00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:37,880 Speaker 1: only child predict or maybe tell us about ourselves from 357 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:41,919 Speaker 1: dating to careers to parent child relationships and what do 358 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,760 Speaker 1: we struggle with. We're going to go on a tiny 359 00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:47,520 Speaker 1: little break here, but when we return, we have so 360 00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:54,960 Speaker 1: much more to uncover and discuss, so please stay with us. 361 00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:00,160 Speaker 1: So a big part of birth order theories appear well 362 00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:04,719 Speaker 1: is that some people claim it can predict aspects of 363 00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:07,520 Speaker 1: your life, like what kind of person you should date, 364 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:11,480 Speaker 1: who you'd be happiest with, what job you'd be happiest in. 365 00:23:12,119 --> 00:23:15,520 Speaker 1: I'm not one hundred percent convinced, because there are always exceptions, 366 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:18,520 Speaker 1: but some of the predictions made by birth order theory 367 00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:23,199 Speaker 1: are actually scarily accurate. So let's talk about what it 368 00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:26,879 Speaker 1: says about only children when it comes to dating. As 369 00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:29,520 Speaker 1: an only child, and we've mentioned this a few times 370 00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:34,320 Speaker 1: in this episode. Eldest children and only children typically are 371 00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:39,480 Speaker 1: after similar things, and often what they are after is 372 00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:42,600 Speaker 1: what is opposite to them. So there's very much a 373 00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:47,399 Speaker 1: strong opposites attract model going on in birth order theory. 374 00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:54,600 Speaker 1: So the theory goes that only children gravitate towards last borns. Specifically, 375 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:58,120 Speaker 1: if you're a woman who likes men, youngest sons or 376 00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:00,480 Speaker 1: if you're a man who likes women kind of get 377 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:04,720 Speaker 1: the picture youngest children, where eldest and only children can 378 00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:09,920 Speaker 1: be quite mature, responsible, we're perfectionists, we're productive, we seek 379 00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:14,960 Speaker 1: out balance, and we're very level headed and mature. That 380 00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:20,040 Speaker 1: is sometimes complimented by someone who is easygoing, who is lively, 381 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:25,120 Speaker 1: who is less neurotic, who is lighthearted, like a last born. 382 00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:30,480 Speaker 1: According to this really fabulous article by doctor Jennifer Hartstein, 383 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:35,320 Speaker 1: she's a specialist in psychotherapy for children, adolescents and families, 384 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:40,680 Speaker 1: only children are very sensible and conscientious, so they typically 385 00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:44,200 Speaker 1: like to take charge in the relationship. But the adventurous 386 00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:47,840 Speaker 1: nature of the last born and the spontaneity means that 387 00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:51,920 Speaker 1: they do balance each other out. Who do only children 388 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:56,840 Speaker 1: clash with in dating, well, are the firstborns or only 389 00:24:56,920 --> 00:25:01,120 Speaker 1: children are the eldest children? Because you're kind of putting 390 00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:05,520 Speaker 1: these two opinionated, self directed people together, and sometimes they 391 00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:08,800 Speaker 1: forget that it's important to work together because they are 392 00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:11,280 Speaker 1: so used to being independent and wanting to do things 393 00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:15,000 Speaker 1: themselves or take charge. It's difficult to have two people 394 00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:18,640 Speaker 1: like that in a relationship. Please keep in mind any 395 00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:21,119 Speaker 1: two people can be compatible. And if you are currently 396 00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:23,960 Speaker 1: dating someone who is not a youngest child and you 397 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:26,320 Speaker 1: are an only child, do not go and break up 398 00:25:26,359 --> 00:25:28,919 Speaker 1: with them. If you found love, you found love. It 399 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:32,480 Speaker 1: doesn't really matter where someone is in the family. If 400 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:34,920 Speaker 1: it works for you, it works for you. Because personality 401 00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:39,000 Speaker 1: and relationships and intimacy and love and general are influenced 402 00:25:39,359 --> 00:25:43,000 Speaker 1: by so many things. But it is really interesting to 403 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:47,560 Speaker 1: see if this applies to you, who would applies to 404 00:25:48,119 --> 00:25:51,760 Speaker 1: and how we are continuously seeing these repeated relationship patterns 405 00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:58,200 Speaker 1: between only children and certain other members or birth order types. Okay, 406 00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:01,360 Speaker 1: let's shift gears. Let's talk about care. You know, if 407 00:26:01,359 --> 00:26:04,159 Speaker 1: we care about love the most, we definitely care about 408 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:08,439 Speaker 1: career almost equally if not second. If you are an 409 00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:11,399 Speaker 1: only child, let's talk about the profile we have of 410 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:15,840 Speaker 1: you so far. You are probably very intellectual and intelligent. 411 00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:20,120 Speaker 1: You are a high achiever, You're very logical, you take control, 412 00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:22,960 Speaker 1: you're motivated. Maybe you're a little bit of a lone wolf. 413 00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:27,639 Speaker 1: With that in mind, the potentially well suited careers for 414 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:32,080 Speaker 1: only children, as given by birth order theory, include professions 415 00:26:32,119 --> 00:26:37,720 Speaker 1: that require intellectual stimulation, strong analytical skills, or a path 416 00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:45,240 Speaker 1: to success. So law, medicine or healthcare, science, engineering, technology, 417 00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:52,240 Speaker 1: or business management, finance. All of these involve strategic thinking. 418 00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:56,359 Speaker 1: All of them involve a lot of analytical work and focus, 419 00:26:56,440 --> 00:27:00,280 Speaker 1: and there is a path to, of course success. Thinking 420 00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:04,960 Speaker 1: about the only children I know in my own life, personally, 421 00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:09,479 Speaker 1: almost all of them work in finance and law. Of 422 00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:14,200 Speaker 1: course that is anecdotal, but in terms of this career stereotype, 423 00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:17,800 Speaker 1: this is totally making sense for me in what I'm 424 00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:20,560 Speaker 1: seeing in my own life. And all these skills make 425 00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:23,880 Speaker 1: them such an asset in a team, you know, they 426 00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:26,960 Speaker 1: make them such an asset as friends as well, like 427 00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:29,639 Speaker 1: the person who's going to come in with the game plan, 428 00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:34,040 Speaker 1: the person who is level headed in emotional situations, the 429 00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:37,560 Speaker 1: person who is innovative, who is responsible, who is a 430 00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:41,560 Speaker 1: problem solver. You know, as an eldest daughter, sometimes it's 431 00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:43,679 Speaker 1: nice to have a little bit of a teammate, and 432 00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:46,000 Speaker 1: normally that teammate is one of my only child friends. 433 00:27:47,359 --> 00:27:50,720 Speaker 1: One thing that also impacts career choices and impacts in 434 00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:54,199 Speaker 1: life paths. The life paths I should say of the 435 00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:58,560 Speaker 1: only child is their parents and the fact that they 436 00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:02,879 Speaker 1: feel a greater responsive ability to their parents. So only 437 00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:07,199 Speaker 1: children may actually find it harder to move away for work. 438 00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:10,800 Speaker 1: They may find it harder to travel and be spontaneous 439 00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:16,480 Speaker 1: because there's greater guilt associated with leaving your parents alone. 440 00:28:17,359 --> 00:28:21,840 Speaker 1: Considering you might sometimes feel like, oh, I'm all they have. 441 00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:26,199 Speaker 1: I found this really interesting Reddit story actually discussing the 442 00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:30,000 Speaker 1: burden of feeling like the sole caregiver for your parents 443 00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:33,760 Speaker 1: as they get older, and you know how hard it 444 00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:37,919 Speaker 1: is to I guess, embrace and acknowledge the fact that 445 00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:41,760 Speaker 1: they are aging. You know, when you have siblings, it 446 00:28:41,880 --> 00:28:45,320 Speaker 1: is something that you can face together, and it's something 447 00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:49,160 Speaker 1: whereby there is a sense of camaraderie around. Okay, so 448 00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:50,560 Speaker 1: what are we going to do with mom and dad? 449 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:53,280 Speaker 1: Or what if they're not okay? What if they need 450 00:28:53,320 --> 00:28:58,400 Speaker 1: our help? You can manage it together. But for only children, 451 00:28:59,120 --> 00:29:02,400 Speaker 1: it's just you. It's just you, and that can put 452 00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:05,960 Speaker 1: a lot of pressure on your future plans and how 453 00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:09,200 Speaker 1: your parents factor in. So with that in mind, what 454 00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:11,960 Speaker 1: else do only children struggle with as part of this 455 00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:15,520 Speaker 1: unique birth order experience? If we're going all the way 456 00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:18,240 Speaker 1: back to childhood, A lot of only children do report 457 00:29:18,280 --> 00:29:23,880 Speaker 1: a sense of loneliness as children and really wanting to 458 00:29:23,960 --> 00:29:30,200 Speaker 1: have siblings, sometimes feeling quite envious of large families, feeling 459 00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:34,840 Speaker 1: envious of people who always had others around. They also 460 00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:38,280 Speaker 1: are more likely to have had to entertain themselves. That 461 00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:42,200 Speaker 1: factors into the imaginary friends thing. But yeah, they spend 462 00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:45,280 Speaker 1: a lot more time alone. There's goods and bads in 463 00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:49,320 Speaker 1: that experience. We've spoken about both of them. Depending on 464 00:29:49,920 --> 00:29:53,480 Speaker 1: your level of loneliness or isolation, it's really up to 465 00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:57,080 Speaker 1: you whether you think that was an asset or a downside. 466 00:29:57,320 --> 00:30:00,360 Speaker 1: You as an only child, were also more likely to 467 00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:05,600 Speaker 1: have very over involved parents. Now when we get to teenagehood, 468 00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:11,600 Speaker 1: when we become adolescents, this can be a challenge. During 469 00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:14,560 Speaker 1: this time, during between the ages of like thirteen and eighteen, 470 00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:19,040 Speaker 1: we go through a period of development in which we 471 00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:24,840 Speaker 1: really want to mark our own territory, create our own identity, 472 00:30:25,200 --> 00:30:28,640 Speaker 1: be an individual despite who our parents are, and so 473 00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:31,320 Speaker 1: we can kind of push back against the authority or 474 00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:36,080 Speaker 1: involvement of our parents. And that can be very, very 475 00:30:36,160 --> 00:30:38,520 Speaker 1: tricky when you are the only child, because your parents 476 00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:41,880 Speaker 1: are just in everything, They know everything about you, They're 477 00:30:41,920 --> 00:30:45,280 Speaker 1: in all your business. There is no distractions, and so 478 00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:49,120 Speaker 1: sometimes people do find that the pushback that is natural 479 00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:53,520 Speaker 1: for anyone in teenagehood, the pushback against the parents feels 480 00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:57,720 Speaker 1: like more of a point of tension and stress within 481 00:30:57,760 --> 00:31:00,600 Speaker 1: your family because there's no one else to mitigate that, 482 00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:03,920 Speaker 1: There's no one else to ease the tension. Another thing 483 00:31:04,000 --> 00:31:06,560 Speaker 1: that only children struggle with is that they are more 484 00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:12,200 Speaker 1: likely to be parentified. So parentification in psychology refers to 485 00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:16,760 Speaker 1: the experience whereby the role of the child and the 486 00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:21,280 Speaker 1: parent almost flips. So, you know, we would expect that 487 00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:24,400 Speaker 1: the parent is the one who takes care of the child, 488 00:31:25,360 --> 00:31:28,800 Speaker 1: not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. So 489 00:31:29,280 --> 00:31:32,520 Speaker 1: the parent is the one who hears the concerns, who 490 00:31:32,560 --> 00:31:36,800 Speaker 1: hears the troubles, and they then have their own support 491 00:31:36,880 --> 00:31:43,080 Speaker 1: network to support them. Parentification occurs when a parent turns 492 00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:46,040 Speaker 1: to their child and says, all right, you can be 493 00:31:46,120 --> 00:31:49,080 Speaker 1: my problem solver. You can be the parent in this situation. 494 00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:52,440 Speaker 1: Here are my problems, Here's what I'm worried about. Here's 495 00:31:52,480 --> 00:31:55,640 Speaker 1: our financial concerns, here's me and your dad, or me 496 00:31:55,720 --> 00:31:59,800 Speaker 1: and your mum's relationship problems. Fix them or hear about 497 00:31:59,800 --> 00:32:01,880 Speaker 1: them and feel like you need to fix them, even 498 00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:04,960 Speaker 1: if maybe that's not explicitly what I'm asking. Hopefully you 499 00:32:05,040 --> 00:32:08,280 Speaker 1: kind of get my gist. The child becomes the parent 500 00:32:08,640 --> 00:32:13,320 Speaker 1: and takes on the responsibilities of this role for the 501 00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:15,920 Speaker 1: person who's meant to be doing it for them. Now, 502 00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:18,240 Speaker 1: if you are the only child, you are probably extra 503 00:32:18,440 --> 00:32:22,040 Speaker 1: extra extra close to your parents, and so this parentification 504 00:32:22,280 --> 00:32:25,160 Speaker 1: is more likely to occur. Those are some of the 505 00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:30,440 Speaker 1: consequences of being an only child. Loneliness, pressure, the burden 506 00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:34,560 Speaker 1: of your parents, aging, the burden of over involved parents, 507 00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:39,200 Speaker 1: and parentification. There are some other factors, though, that influence 508 00:32:39,280 --> 00:32:42,479 Speaker 1: the only child experience, such that you can be an 509 00:32:42,520 --> 00:32:46,720 Speaker 1: only child but experience experience it very differently to the 510 00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:51,720 Speaker 1: next person because of the age of your parents. Maybe 511 00:32:51,760 --> 00:32:54,640 Speaker 1: you are the only child in one family but your 512 00:32:54,680 --> 00:32:58,440 Speaker 1: parents separated and you have step siblings. Maybe you have 513 00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:01,680 Speaker 1: a lot of cousins, And so I'm telling you all 514 00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:04,240 Speaker 1: these things and facts about who you were meant to be, 515 00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:07,280 Speaker 1: and you're thinking, none of this relates to me, because 516 00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:10,640 Speaker 1: actually you didn't have an only child experience. You had 517 00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:14,040 Speaker 1: a very unique experience where yes, you were the only 518 00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:17,000 Speaker 1: technical child in your family, but you had a lot 519 00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:20,000 Speaker 1: of other children around you. So if I were to 520 00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:22,960 Speaker 1: compare you to an only child who lived in the 521 00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:27,640 Speaker 1: rural countryside and only ever saw adults, compared to an 522 00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:30,880 Speaker 1: only child who lives in the city and goes to 523 00:33:30,960 --> 00:33:34,080 Speaker 1: like a big school and their cousins live next door, 524 00:33:34,800 --> 00:33:37,520 Speaker 1: you are going to turn out differently. And it may 525 00:33:37,560 --> 00:33:41,440 Speaker 1: explain why some of the only child traits that we 526 00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:46,120 Speaker 1: typically expect aren't very common in large communities where children 527 00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:49,880 Speaker 1: are raised by everyone. It gives the impression, it gives 528 00:33:49,880 --> 00:33:52,960 Speaker 1: the experience of growing up with a bunch of other 529 00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:57,320 Speaker 1: people and having to factor in their personalities and their 530 00:33:57,320 --> 00:34:00,720 Speaker 1: desires in a way that a singular only child in 531 00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:04,360 Speaker 1: a more isolated environment wouldn't have to do. There's one 532 00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:08,040 Speaker 1: final unique experience that it's quite sad, and it's when 533 00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:11,680 Speaker 1: you are an only child because your sibling has passed 534 00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:18,359 Speaker 1: that can give you some extreme survivors guilt and all 535 00:34:18,400 --> 00:34:24,040 Speaker 1: that pressure, all that expectation, the over involved, maybe helicopter 536 00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:28,239 Speaker 1: nature of your parents can be exacerbated. The survivor's guilt 537 00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:32,840 Speaker 1: in particular could be particularly strong if you know the 538 00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:35,680 Speaker 1: passing of your sibling has made you an only child, 539 00:34:36,200 --> 00:34:38,759 Speaker 1: because now you really do feel like you have to 540 00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:42,080 Speaker 1: make all of your experiences worth it. You have to 541 00:34:42,120 --> 00:34:44,719 Speaker 1: live in life for both of you, and you have 542 00:34:44,800 --> 00:34:48,200 Speaker 1: to be two children for your parents almost you have 543 00:34:48,280 --> 00:34:52,640 Speaker 1: to make sure that you meet all their expectations. It's 544 00:34:52,680 --> 00:34:57,920 Speaker 1: a very complex emotional and psychological experience and we truly 545 00:34:57,960 --> 00:35:00,399 Speaker 1: need to do a whole episode on it. So if 546 00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:03,000 Speaker 1: that's something you would like, please reach out to me 547 00:35:03,160 --> 00:35:06,360 Speaker 1: so yeah, I can get a sense of it. Again, 548 00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:10,920 Speaker 1: we should avoid overgeneralizing about an only child and who 549 00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:13,920 Speaker 1: they will become. But something I do want us to 550 00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:17,040 Speaker 1: all come away with is that being an only child. 551 00:35:17,480 --> 00:35:20,799 Speaker 1: You know, this was once a unique and somewhat stigmatized experience. 552 00:35:21,520 --> 00:35:25,600 Speaker 1: Now it's becoming not only so much more common, but 553 00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:30,680 Speaker 1: it's an asset without a doubt. Only children are such 554 00:35:30,680 --> 00:35:33,319 Speaker 1: an asset. I say this all the time, but no 555 00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:37,719 Speaker 1: one's personality has no value. Each of us fills a 556 00:35:37,840 --> 00:35:42,760 Speaker 1: space society needs to be filled. We need different ways 557 00:35:43,239 --> 00:35:47,000 Speaker 1: of thinking and seeing the world, We need different ways 558 00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:49,960 Speaker 1: of problem solving, a lot of which is brought on 559 00:35:50,239 --> 00:35:56,000 Speaker 1: by our different childhood environments and personalities and experiences. There's 560 00:35:56,120 --> 00:36:01,040 Speaker 1: a great book actually by an environmental scientist slash activist 561 00:36:01,440 --> 00:36:06,480 Speaker 1: called Bill mckibbon, and he basically argues that more people 562 00:36:06,920 --> 00:36:11,880 Speaker 1: should be considering only having one child, and that we 563 00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:16,040 Speaker 1: should ignore this idea that they are lonely or difficult 564 00:36:16,160 --> 00:36:19,760 Speaker 1: or selfish, because the research proves time and time again 565 00:36:20,320 --> 00:36:24,440 Speaker 1: that in general they're not any more of these things 566 00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:29,040 Speaker 1: compared to the average child. And even if these are 567 00:36:29,160 --> 00:36:32,360 Speaker 1: experiences you sometimes have where you are lonely or you 568 00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:36,680 Speaker 1: do struggle with working with other people. Actually, in the 569 00:36:36,800 --> 00:36:40,680 Speaker 1: large part of this debate, the debate of is it 570 00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:44,360 Speaker 1: worth only having one child, most people will say the 571 00:36:44,400 --> 00:36:48,959 Speaker 1: benefits totally outweigh any downsides, and being an only child 572 00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:54,000 Speaker 1: is actually quite a favorable childhood environment because here you 573 00:36:54,080 --> 00:36:57,400 Speaker 1: are with all the love and attention and resources of 574 00:36:57,680 --> 00:37:02,640 Speaker 1: two parents, or even one parent who is incredibly devoted 575 00:37:02,640 --> 00:37:06,520 Speaker 1: to you and thinks you are incredible. Okay, guys, We've 576 00:37:06,560 --> 00:37:09,759 Speaker 1: talked about a lot so far, but we always have 577 00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:12,359 Speaker 1: time for more, and we always have time for our 578 00:37:12,400 --> 00:37:15,440 Speaker 1: listener questions to touch on the more niche parts of 579 00:37:15,480 --> 00:37:19,040 Speaker 1: this topic we can't always get to. So go have 580 00:37:19,120 --> 00:37:22,080 Speaker 1: a little tea break, have a little pause, and we 581 00:37:22,120 --> 00:37:31,520 Speaker 1: will be right back. When I posted on my Instagram 582 00:37:31,600 --> 00:37:34,080 Speaker 1: story that I was doing an episode on only children, 583 00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:36,600 Speaker 1: I already said, you guys went nuts for it, and 584 00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:41,399 Speaker 1: I got so many questions, so many brilliant questions. Thank 585 00:37:41,400 --> 00:37:44,200 Speaker 1: you so much. It was very, very hard to choose. 586 00:37:44,239 --> 00:37:48,440 Speaker 1: But we're just gonna do four or five today, and yeah, 587 00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:51,920 Speaker 1: really sink our teeth into them. I really loved this 588 00:37:51,960 --> 00:37:54,719 Speaker 1: first question because I didn't really hear anyone else ask 589 00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:57,520 Speaker 1: about this, but I feel like it's something that might 590 00:37:57,560 --> 00:38:01,680 Speaker 1: be a common difficulty. So this is the question, how 591 00:38:01,680 --> 00:38:04,240 Speaker 1: do you learn how to deal with fights and drama 592 00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:08,400 Speaker 1: between siblings when you're an only child? Because my boyfriend 593 00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:13,760 Speaker 1: and his sister fight constantly and it bothers me so much. 594 00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:16,960 Speaker 1: I had never thought about this. If you are an 595 00:38:16,960 --> 00:38:20,120 Speaker 1: only child, you have never had to deal with having 596 00:38:20,560 --> 00:38:25,359 Speaker 1: savage fights with your siblings. Now, I'm guessing you can 597 00:38:25,400 --> 00:38:27,560 Speaker 1: tell by the way I said that it's actually totally 598 00:38:27,640 --> 00:38:32,239 Speaker 1: normal to a degree. Obviously, if it is toxic and 599 00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:37,000 Speaker 1: unsustainable and tearing a relationship apart, and if it's continuing 600 00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:44,040 Speaker 1: way into adulthood and unnecessarily lengths and frequency and intensity, 601 00:38:44,800 --> 00:38:50,480 Speaker 1: probably not good. But the average sibling fight is pretty 602 00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:53,960 Speaker 1: short lived, and it can seem really intense, but it's 603 00:38:53,960 --> 00:38:56,799 Speaker 1: not because we have had so much We've had so 604 00:38:56,920 --> 00:38:59,800 Speaker 1: much practice, We have had so much practice fighting with 605 00:39:00,040 --> 00:39:03,160 Speaker 1: each other and getting on each other's nerves. Sometimes it's 606 00:39:03,200 --> 00:39:06,359 Speaker 1: just a way of releasing tension. Sometimes, even like having 607 00:39:06,360 --> 00:39:09,520 Speaker 1: a little fight or baker with your sibling is kind 608 00:39:09,520 --> 00:39:12,799 Speaker 1: of a sign of love. My biggest advice to you 609 00:39:12,840 --> 00:39:15,279 Speaker 1: as an only child looking at the situation being like 610 00:39:15,360 --> 00:39:19,960 Speaker 1: this is so abnormal and weird, is to disengage. Don't 611 00:39:19,960 --> 00:39:26,759 Speaker 1: get involved, don't give advice, don't try and mediate. Trust me, 612 00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:30,400 Speaker 1: it's like getting between two dogs that are fighting, Like 613 00:39:30,560 --> 00:39:32,840 Speaker 1: you're just gonna get hurt. It's just going to be 614 00:39:32,880 --> 00:39:36,719 Speaker 1: projected on you. This is a sibling thing. Unless your 615 00:39:36,800 --> 00:39:41,840 Speaker 1: boyfriend asks for advice, unless he is seriously emotionally or 616 00:39:41,880 --> 00:39:45,480 Speaker 1: mentally distressed by arguments he's having with his sister, just 617 00:39:45,520 --> 00:39:48,600 Speaker 1: let them sort it out, and I promise you this 618 00:39:48,680 --> 00:39:50,880 Speaker 1: is the other factor in this. It gets better with age, 619 00:39:51,320 --> 00:39:53,919 Speaker 1: and it gets better with time because they will start 620 00:39:53,960 --> 00:39:56,400 Speaker 1: seeing more eye to eye, and as we get older, 621 00:39:56,440 --> 00:40:00,560 Speaker 1: we just get less snappy and irritable. Especially I'm thinking 622 00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:03,400 Speaker 1: about my relationship with my siblings. Oh gosh, we fought 623 00:40:04,040 --> 00:40:05,880 Speaker 1: so much when we were kids, and like it was 624 00:40:05,960 --> 00:40:08,840 Speaker 1: violent and it was aggressive and it was intense. But 625 00:40:08,960 --> 00:40:11,560 Speaker 1: nowadays we are a lot better because we've matured, so 626 00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:14,520 Speaker 1: it will get better with time. You're doing a great job. 627 00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:17,680 Speaker 1: I'm sure it's scary. Just disengage and let them sort 628 00:40:17,719 --> 00:40:20,160 Speaker 1: their own shit out. The second question I got from 629 00:40:20,160 --> 00:40:24,600 Speaker 1: a listener, do only children's brains develop any differently to 630 00:40:24,719 --> 00:40:29,760 Speaker 1: people with siblings? No, No, there we go. That's the answer. 631 00:40:30,480 --> 00:40:33,719 Speaker 1: Being an only sibling comes down to nurture. It's part 632 00:40:33,800 --> 00:40:38,960 Speaker 1: of your environment, not part of your nature. And nature 633 00:40:39,040 --> 00:40:44,760 Speaker 1: genetic blueprint cellular blueprint is normally what influences, well, not normally, 634 00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:49,680 Speaker 1: it is what influences and determines how your brain will develop. 635 00:40:50,840 --> 00:40:55,960 Speaker 1: Only children and eldest children, middle children, youngest children. If 636 00:40:56,000 --> 00:40:58,200 Speaker 1: I put their brains in front of a scientist, they 637 00:40:58,200 --> 00:41:03,120 Speaker 1: would not be able to distinguish between them. Our third 638 00:41:03,200 --> 00:41:07,800 Speaker 1: question are the differences between only children raised by both 639 00:41:07,880 --> 00:41:12,320 Speaker 1: parents compared to a single parent. I think I mentioned 640 00:41:12,800 --> 00:41:15,400 Speaker 1: slightly mentioned this before, but I'm very glad that we 641 00:41:15,520 --> 00:41:19,880 Speaker 1: got a specific question on it because it's an excellent question. 642 00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:25,000 Speaker 1: I think being a single parent is tough because sometimes 643 00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:26,480 Speaker 1: you feel like you have to do the job of 644 00:41:26,560 --> 00:41:30,160 Speaker 1: two parents, not really realizing that the love you're giving 645 00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:34,200 Speaker 1: is totally enough. If you are an only child with 646 00:41:34,280 --> 00:41:37,680 Speaker 1: a single parent, you may find that you have a 647 00:41:37,920 --> 00:41:43,520 Speaker 1: much more extremely close bond compared to some of your 648 00:41:43,560 --> 00:41:46,799 Speaker 1: friends or some examples that you see. You know, one 649 00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:50,239 Speaker 1: of my sister's best friends is an only child to 650 00:41:50,280 --> 00:41:53,400 Speaker 1: a single parent, and wow, that her relationship with her 651 00:41:53,480 --> 00:41:57,680 Speaker 1: mum is so beautiful and wonderful. And you know what, 652 00:41:57,719 --> 00:41:59,680 Speaker 1: me and my mom are most certainly not that close. 653 00:41:59,680 --> 00:42:03,120 Speaker 1: And I'm happy to admit that there is also an 654 00:42:03,200 --> 00:42:09,600 Speaker 1: increased chance of that parentification dynamic taking place, because obviously 655 00:42:09,680 --> 00:42:12,280 Speaker 1: if it's if you have a single parent, especially if 656 00:42:12,719 --> 00:42:15,759 Speaker 1: your mom or your dad is not dating anyone, or 657 00:42:15,800 --> 00:42:19,480 Speaker 1: doesn't have that large of a support network or hasn't remarried, 658 00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:25,440 Speaker 1: you kind of become their emotional support system. You become 659 00:42:25,520 --> 00:42:28,399 Speaker 1: something that they can rely on. I don't think it's 660 00:42:28,400 --> 00:42:31,319 Speaker 1: their fault, right, it's just because they're so close to you, 661 00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:33,520 Speaker 1: and they love you and they trust you, and they 662 00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:36,400 Speaker 1: don't have anyone else to lean on. You can become 663 00:42:37,080 --> 00:42:40,719 Speaker 1: the adult sometimes in that situation. So it's something definitely 664 00:42:41,080 --> 00:42:45,920 Speaker 1: to watch out for. I think also the financial constraints 665 00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:49,200 Speaker 1: of having an only sorry having a single parent as 666 00:42:49,239 --> 00:42:52,600 Speaker 1: an only child maybe more intense, potentially leading to more 667 00:42:52,640 --> 00:42:56,160 Speaker 1: stress and earlier independence. We already know that only children 668 00:42:56,200 --> 00:43:00,040 Speaker 1: are quite independent. Having a single parent may increase that 669 00:43:00,320 --> 00:43:04,080 Speaker 1: as well. The parent may be more protective, There may 670 00:43:04,080 --> 00:43:08,160 Speaker 1: be more pressure, more pressure to succeed. You may feel 671 00:43:08,160 --> 00:43:13,400 Speaker 1: great responsibility to be everything for the parent, and sometimes 672 00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:16,520 Speaker 1: you may be more lonely because you know if your 673 00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:20,160 Speaker 1: single parent has to work, you may have to hang 674 00:43:20,200 --> 00:43:22,279 Speaker 1: out at home more. You may have the house to 675 00:43:22,320 --> 00:43:25,800 Speaker 1: yourself more instead of having you know both your parents 676 00:43:25,800 --> 00:43:28,759 Speaker 1: there taking it in turns, or being more present for you. 677 00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:31,319 Speaker 1: I will say I don't think that there is any 678 00:43:31,360 --> 00:43:36,320 Speaker 1: difference in long term outcomes. Single parent two parents doesn't 679 00:43:36,360 --> 00:43:38,359 Speaker 1: really matter as long as they really as long as 680 00:43:38,360 --> 00:43:40,279 Speaker 1: they love you and care about you, you can have 681 00:43:40,320 --> 00:43:41,719 Speaker 1: one parent, and they're going to do the job of 682 00:43:41,760 --> 00:43:44,440 Speaker 1: seven parents. They could do the job of ten parents 683 00:43:45,520 --> 00:43:47,960 Speaker 1: if they are a great parent. So yeah, I love 684 00:43:48,040 --> 00:43:50,600 Speaker 1: this question. Those are the differences I could immediately think of. 685 00:43:51,520 --> 00:43:54,640 Speaker 1: This next question is funny. Why is it that every 686 00:43:54,960 --> 00:43:58,640 Speaker 1: only child I've met has fit the stereotype of being 687 00:43:58,920 --> 00:44:02,320 Speaker 1: a little bit spoiled. This is so funny because obviously 688 00:44:02,400 --> 00:44:07,400 Speaker 1: we've broken this down. I think it's confirmation bias. I 689 00:44:07,440 --> 00:44:10,200 Speaker 1: think it's confirmation bias. I think that you have been 690 00:44:10,200 --> 00:44:12,960 Speaker 1: told that this is what to expect from these types 691 00:44:13,000 --> 00:44:16,400 Speaker 1: of individuals, and so now you only pay attention to 692 00:44:16,440 --> 00:44:20,000 Speaker 1: their behavior, or to the behavior that meets your expectation, 693 00:44:20,640 --> 00:44:24,760 Speaker 1: not the behaviors that don't. So, for example, the times 694 00:44:24,840 --> 00:44:27,840 Speaker 1: when your only child friend or your only children friends 695 00:44:28,239 --> 00:44:31,960 Speaker 1: are not selfish, or are not jealous, or are not dominating, 696 00:44:32,280 --> 00:44:35,040 Speaker 1: which is probably the majority of the time, you know 697 00:44:35,120 --> 00:44:37,120 Speaker 1: that you don't really pay attention to that as much 698 00:44:37,120 --> 00:44:39,640 Speaker 1: as the times when they are, and those times that 699 00:44:39,640 --> 00:44:44,440 Speaker 1: they are, which we all have, feel more significant to you, 700 00:44:45,000 --> 00:44:48,960 Speaker 1: so they become the whole reality. It may also just 701 00:44:49,040 --> 00:44:51,840 Speaker 1: be that that's just who they are. It doesn't have 702 00:44:51,880 --> 00:44:54,520 Speaker 1: anything to do with being an only child. There just 703 00:44:54,600 --> 00:44:57,360 Speaker 1: are kind of your friends just happen to be a 704 00:44:57,400 --> 00:45:00,320 Speaker 1: bit selfish. Maybe it's the impact of culture or contact. Next, 705 00:45:00,840 --> 00:45:03,840 Speaker 1: it may simply be that the only children you're meeting 706 00:45:04,040 --> 00:45:07,640 Speaker 1: are just better at advocating for themselves, and sometimes we 707 00:45:07,760 --> 00:45:12,239 Speaker 1: confuse that with being spoilt or selfish. So a couple 708 00:45:12,320 --> 00:45:16,160 Speaker 1: of options there for answers. So the final question I 709 00:45:16,160 --> 00:45:21,680 Speaker 1: got is do only children wish they had siblings? Now 710 00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:24,279 Speaker 1: I'm not an only child, so I can't answer this. 711 00:45:25,080 --> 00:45:27,600 Speaker 1: I want to hear from you guys. I want to 712 00:45:28,080 --> 00:45:31,200 Speaker 1: pose this question to the listeners because I want to 713 00:45:31,200 --> 00:45:33,640 Speaker 1: answer it as much as the person who posed it 714 00:45:33,920 --> 00:45:37,200 Speaker 1: as an only child? Do you wish you had siblings? 715 00:45:37,800 --> 00:45:39,960 Speaker 1: Are you envious of people who have siblings? Do you 716 00:45:40,040 --> 00:45:43,400 Speaker 1: feel like you've missed out? Also, remember to drop your 717 00:45:43,440 --> 00:45:46,400 Speaker 1: imaginary friend name so that we can get a little 718 00:45:46,560 --> 00:45:49,719 Speaker 1: gang going in the comments section. Have a little community 719 00:45:49,719 --> 00:45:53,600 Speaker 1: of imaginaries going on. And honestly, I think, with that 720 00:45:53,719 --> 00:45:57,799 Speaker 1: question in mind that I'm posing to you all, I 721 00:45:57,840 --> 00:45:59,719 Speaker 1: have nothing else to say. I think that's all my 722 00:45:59,719 --> 00:46:02,680 Speaker 1: fact figures and research for the day on only children. 723 00:46:02,719 --> 00:46:06,880 Speaker 1: But I actually loved, loved, loved putting this episode together. 724 00:46:06,920 --> 00:46:10,239 Speaker 1: The research is so fascinating. I loved diving into the 725 00:46:10,280 --> 00:46:13,840 Speaker 1: history of our stereotypes. I loved diving into the dating 726 00:46:13,880 --> 00:46:17,560 Speaker 1: and the career advice and information that I got from 727 00:46:17,560 --> 00:46:20,879 Speaker 1: far and wide. So if you enjoyed this episode, share 728 00:46:20,880 --> 00:46:23,799 Speaker 1: it with another only child friend you may have. Share 729 00:46:23,800 --> 00:46:26,440 Speaker 1: it to your story. Even better, leave a five star 730 00:46:26,560 --> 00:46:30,120 Speaker 1: review the best and make sure you're following along for 731 00:46:30,200 --> 00:46:32,719 Speaker 1: when new episodes come out. We've got so much cool 732 00:46:32,760 --> 00:46:36,080 Speaker 1: stuff leading up to the book being in your hands, 733 00:46:36,160 --> 00:46:38,279 Speaker 1: so I can't wait for you all to tune in, 734 00:46:38,400 --> 00:46:41,920 Speaker 1: And until next time, stay safe, be kind, and be 735 00:46:42,160 --> 00:46:45,399 Speaker 1: gentle with yourself above all else. We will talk very 736 00:46:45,480 --> 00:46:45,919 Speaker 1: very soon.