Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. Hello friends, it's dool say
Speaker 1: sloan up next to an episode of the Daily show
Speaker 1: podcast hold Up, hosted about me and my friend and
Speaker 1: Daily Show writer Josh Johnson. This podcast is where we
Speaker 1: take our everyday arguments and bring them straight to your ears.
Speaker 1: Take waffles versus pancakes, movies versus TV shows, grills versus shames.
Speaker 1: Here's one of our latest episodes. Enjoy. Hey, everybody, welcome
Speaker 1: to hold Up the Show. That's a lot about a
Speaker 1: little It's it's we go back and forth quite a
Speaker 1: bit over things that we care about that maybe you've
Speaker 1: never even thought about like that, which is fine because
Speaker 1: these aren't big deals, these aren't life changing events. These
Speaker 1: aren't world altering global topics. It's just uh, your co
Speaker 1: host Josh Johnson talking to your other co hosts, don't
Speaker 1: say sloan. And what we haven't talked about is my
Speaker 1: brand new nose ringing bam bam M no drink. I've
Speaker 1: wanted to nose drinks since I was fourteen years old,
Speaker 1: and I could not get one because of acting and
Speaker 1: modeling and stuff. But now your girl has an established career,
Speaker 1: so if I want to put a piece of metal
Speaker 1: in my face, like shot through the nostril. Oh, it's
Speaker 1: all up to you, bro It hurts so bad, apparent,
Speaker 1: Oh my god, And like I bled a lot because
Speaker 1: she was saying, like I was bleeding, and she was like,
Speaker 1: were you drinking yesterday? And I was like, yes, Apparently
Speaker 1: that's why you're not supposed to get like piercings or
Speaker 1: tattoos when you're That's why you can't get tatos when
Speaker 1: you're drunk, because it makes you bleed more because your
Speaker 1: blood stead I am. I am indeed happy for you.
Speaker 1: I'm just glad any time a childhood dream can come true.
Speaker 1: You know, it hurts so much, and I got so overwhelmed.
Speaker 1: But while she was in the middle of do it,
Speaker 1: she was like, I'm proud of you. And for some reason,
Speaker 1: oh my god, gonn chear up again. It's like it
Speaker 1: made me feel so much better because she was like,
Speaker 1: I'm proud of you. You did a good job. I
Speaker 1: love you. You're doing a good job. And I was
Speaker 1: like and all of that, because like you, it's it's
Speaker 1: so much pain at once, and it's your face, so
Speaker 1: you just freak the funk out for like a second.
Speaker 1: But she was like, you're doing a good job and
Speaker 1: so proud of you, and so to be in that
Speaker 1: moment where I'm that much pain, but then for somebody
Speaker 1: to like be very comforting and sweet, it like really
Speaker 1: just kind of almost reset my brain a little bit.
Speaker 1: Her name is Genie. It's lived by the Sword tattoo. Okay, well, yeah,
Speaker 1: shout out to her. And she's doing a great job
Speaker 1: and making you feel comfortable, making you feel sane and
Speaker 1: loved and held, you know, yeah, because she called herself
Speaker 1: the gentle Piercon And I was like, there's still a
Speaker 1: needle going through my nose um, but now I get it, Like, oh,
Speaker 1: it was really nice. And then she found some studs
Speaker 1: for my second hole in my hair because these ships,
Speaker 1: you know, when you get something done in a flame market,
Speaker 1: you know, you get what you pay for it. You
Speaker 1: have thought they would have healed up by the time
Speaker 1: I got out of the ninth grade, but hey man,
Speaker 1: we're all out here doing our best. I think if
Speaker 1: you are about to get a flea market tattoo, though,
Speaker 1: any any person out here listening to the podcast thinking
Speaker 1: about getting a tattoo from your local flea market, you know,
Speaker 1: right after you go to the farmer's market. I would say,
Speaker 1: maybe maybe hold up on that. Take a second, take
Speaker 1: a second to think about it. Think about if the
Speaker 1: artwork you want done can be done by anybody else
Speaker 1: that's an actual tattoo shop. Now, not to say somebody
Speaker 1: who's in a flea market is not good. No, no,
Speaker 1: it's not about them being good. It's about them having
Speaker 1: the proper tool. You know what it's like. It's like
Speaker 1: when you're watching a mob movie, all right, and the
Speaker 1: person that that the mob is after, or or the
Speaker 1: other mob is after, i should say, or even the police.
Speaker 1: The person that's in the mob gets all shot up
Speaker 1: by somebody and then they take him to the mob
Speaker 1: doctor's house. And the mob doctor always has the same speeches,
Speaker 1: like why you come my home. It's like, well, sir,
Speaker 1: we know where you live and we were in a hurry. Okay,
Speaker 1: so we've been here six times this week. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: they're like, why did you come to my home? And
Speaker 1: I can't do it here. He needs real surgery. We
Speaker 1: got to go to a hospital. That's all I'm saying.
Speaker 1: That mob doctor is still a doctor. He's a veterinarian,
Speaker 1: but he's still a doctor. You know, but he cannot,
Speaker 1: with the tools he has available to him, do his
Speaker 1: job to the best of his ability. But if I
Speaker 1: have a booth in the flea market, because I've seen
Speaker 1: tattoo artists in a flea marketing before, they have all
Speaker 1: the same tools that you'll see, Okay, I mean I've
Speaker 1: never got a tattooed before, so maybe it's all the
Speaker 1: same stuff. It's just a machine, my friend, the tattoo
Speaker 1: I have on my hand. M wait about as someone
Speaker 1: who knows you, I know the tattoo you're talking about.
Speaker 1: But Josh Johnson, we weren't enough t just today. I
Speaker 1: think it's time for us to talking about the topic
Speaker 1: at hand. The topic at hand is Santa Cluse, Santa
Speaker 1: Claus old St Nick Chris motherfucking Cringo himself. And I
Speaker 1: know the audience is when like, wait a minute, they're
Speaker 1: talking about that, they're Santa Claus. We can't be talking
Speaker 1: about whether he's real or not because we already The
Speaker 1: question is should we be telling the children about this
Speaker 1: man or not? That is the question. So Josh Johnson
Speaker 1: telling the people what side you fall on when it
Speaker 1: comes to the existence of Santa Clause. Should we be
Speaker 1: telling the children or not, because you was ready to go.
Speaker 1: You was trained to go as someone who believes in whimsy,
Speaker 1: as someone who loves wonder. You try to act like
Speaker 1: I don't love Wimsey and Wonder the attacks as someone
Speaker 1: who believes in magic. We're both friends with Matt Richards.
Speaker 1: So yes, so we were believing in magic. The same
Speaker 1: one who who believes that a childhood has some magic
Speaker 1: in it, has some fucking childhood, Josh, the whole childhood,
Speaker 1: you know. Um, I think that's Santa is a good
Speaker 1: starter lesson. I think it's a I think it's worthwhile
Speaker 1: endeavor lesson in what adults will lie to you? Yes,
Speaker 1: that that too, what's your lesson? Because my lesson is
Speaker 1: adults will lot of you? I mean adults will lot
Speaker 1: to you. Is a great one. That's no one is
Speaker 1: disputing that. Like, let's get that it out the way,
Speaker 1: all right. You looked into the eyes of a child
Speaker 1: and you lied your face. Hey, so now when this child,
Speaker 1: instead of being two, is twenty two and there's another
Speaker 1: growth person in their face, try to lie. They'll be
Speaker 1: like I remember this. I've been living through this for
Speaker 1: two decades, all right, I'm ready I'm prepped. Okay, in
Speaker 1: your world with no practice, they'd be like, oh yeah, sure,
Speaker 1: you must own this house as a poetry major, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. So then that's my thing is
Speaker 1: that you know, it helps, it helps instill a sense
Speaker 1: of how the world works. I think it introduces fantasy
Speaker 1: in a way that is both fun and has stakes,
Speaker 1: you know, and has a payoff at the end. Okay,
Speaker 1: once again, incorrect. Ah. I remember telling some evil woman
Speaker 1: that I used to work with, not evil, hateful, hateful
Speaker 1: little woman that I used to work with, that when
Speaker 1: I was growing up, because it was like around Christmas
Speaker 1: time or whatever. And I said, when I was growing up,
Speaker 1: you know, my mom never told us to Santa was real.
Speaker 1: She didn't tell us he wasn't real, but she never
Speaker 1: said that he was and he was. She was like,
Speaker 1: oh you. She tried to tell me that I had
Speaker 1: a bad childhood because my mother didn't tell me that
Speaker 1: some fictional white man was breaking into our house to
Speaker 1: bring me presents. And I was like, you think my
Speaker 1: entire childhood it was bad for this one. Let me
Speaker 1: let me get up because I almost said something that
Speaker 1: was gonna get me in a fight that day There's
Speaker 1: so many other things that happened, Like I didn't grow
Speaker 1: up with a father. You think that affected Santa Claus.
Speaker 1: You think Santa Claus was partiplate. That's what you think
Speaker 1: took my childhood out? Was one nigga once a year
Speaker 1: claiming to do something that he didn't do. But look,
Speaker 1: did you ever did you ever wonder what it would
Speaker 1: have been like to sit in Santa's lap and tell
Speaker 1: him what you wanted and then get it. I would
Speaker 1: have what I wondered more, what it would have been
Speaker 1: like to sit in my father's lap and tell him
Speaker 1: what I wanted to get it? Fair Enough, your father
Speaker 1: is supposed to be there every day Santa comes, but
Speaker 1: once a year. Yeah. Yeah. The thing is as a child,
Speaker 1: I never I never believed in it because it never
Speaker 1: made any sense to me. Well, on top of it,
Speaker 1: this this is the other thing too, because you run
Speaker 1: into this when you're trying to tell the story of Santa. Uh.
Speaker 1: Two children? Who are you know? Inquisitive? Some would say precocious,
Speaker 1: not stupid. Wow. I took gifted classes, start eating from
Speaker 1: ten years old. I was never a dumb child. I
Speaker 1: learned how to read because my cousin could read because
Speaker 1: this is this is the most fucked up part about
Speaker 1: this Santa thing. Plenty of children and go, hey, it
Speaker 1: doesn't make any sense that this man is on a
Speaker 1: slay being pulled by livestock, by fucking dear across the planet,
Speaker 1: dropping off presents. Right, you didn't even know to do
Speaker 1: the Santa tracker on the fucking news. And you know,
Speaker 1: I've always wondered what they do all the letters to
Speaker 1: people send out, because I'm sure they just burned them
Speaker 1: at the end of the They can't keep them. There's
Speaker 1: just too much space, right, So it was burning and
Speaker 1: they saying I hope they burned them. They had to
Speaker 1: do something, shred them, turn them into more paper, help somebody, right.
Speaker 1: So the thing that was always the most deceptive of
Speaker 1: the Santa ship is that you would have a child
Speaker 1: going this doesn't make any sense. This can't be real,
Speaker 1: and then an adult goes, yes, it is, and the
Speaker 1: child's like, wait a minute, how did but how does
Speaker 1: he get across the world? It's magic what I would listen.
Speaker 1: I could believe in Bigfoot before I could believe in
Speaker 1: Santa Claus. Once again, more practice, all right, because because
Speaker 1: as an adult right now, you know that there are
Speaker 1: things that logically, as a smart person you look at
Speaker 1: and you're like, this doesn't make sense. But it is
Speaker 1: what it is, isn't it. And now you're learning them
Speaker 1: live in a world where things don't make sense. They
Speaker 1: don't make sense. We both know they don't make sense.
Speaker 1: You and I have discussed things where we're like, yo,
Speaker 1: are we all the same page? Doesn't make it and
Speaker 1: you're like, yes, but it is what it is. And
Speaker 1: then you're now learning to cope in a world that
Speaker 1: doesn't make sense, that is unfair and full of lies. Right.
Speaker 1: But the other thing is is that you're giving us
Speaker 1: a thing. You're giving us a lie that's not even
Speaker 1: attached to It's like I a child, I could never
Speaker 1: figure out what Santa Claus had to do with the
Speaker 1: birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It would
Speaker 1: have been more sense to me if the three kings
Speaker 1: that came and brought presents to the baby Jesus came
Speaker 1: to children to give them presents. And I under I
Speaker 1: know the whole thing is St. Nicholas. We've all seen
Speaker 1: that fucking what is it? Claymation, stop motion? We've all said, right,
Speaker 1: so one dude, and I don't know where, was it
Speaker 1: the Netherlands or sucking one of them places, somewhere cold,
Speaker 1: somewhere cold and white, gave children presents and then all
Speaker 1: of a sudden we were like yeah, and then he
Speaker 1: did it to the whole world. No, that doesn't make
Speaker 1: any sense. So for me, it's this myth came about
Speaker 1: because one one white man did one thing and we
Speaker 1: can't forget, like Columbus, and so instead of just him
Speaker 1: being one of the many in the pantheon of saints,
Speaker 1: m now we're sitting on put our children growing men's
Speaker 1: laps and malls. Who came up with going to the mall? Santa?
Speaker 1: Who came up with the mall? Santa? Why do they
Speaker 1: have to sit in his lap? Who is this pervert
Speaker 1: that came up with this? You knew what I'm gonna say,
Speaker 1: you're gonna do? You know? I knew you were going
Speaker 1: to say. I this is what I will say. Okay,
Speaker 1: how about this, I'll extend another olive branch that is
Speaker 1: not so much about the telling as it is about
Speaker 1: the employability. Okay, let's be honest. You see a dude
Speaker 1: who look exactly like Santa spitting him into Santa right,
Speaker 1: I don't really have a job, doesn't really have a
Speaker 1: bunch of going on in his life. Okay, why not
Speaker 1: at least let him get some seasonal work. And this
Speaker 1: man who was not able to sustain himself the other
Speaker 1: eleven months of the year, you get in some sand
Speaker 1: of work in November. Yeah, eleven and a half months.
Speaker 1: You have to start with. Yeah, yeah, to start with
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving eleven and a half months. Yeah, Disney ain't got it. Okay,
Speaker 1: But but because he doesn't have it, let's give him something.
Speaker 1: Let's give him something to do. You you out here,
Speaker 1: you're you're old, all right, You got you got a
Speaker 1: bellowing voice that nobody can really tell where your diaphragm is.
Speaker 1: Your diaphragm is in your foot. You got a big
Speaker 1: beer because no matter how much you cut your hair,
Speaker 1: it just spring. You don't even get five o'clock shadow, Okay,
Speaker 1: you get six o'clock nightfall, all right, every day. And
Speaker 1: you got a rosy cheeks and a button nose and
Speaker 1: all other ship. Listen, I get it. Maybe you're an alcoholic.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's because they have, you know, they have a
Speaker 1: taste for the four local, a taste for the malt liquor.
Speaker 1: Maybe they just have something that gets things a bit
Speaker 1: a bit rosy in the cheeks. You don't want is
Speaker 1: an elderly white man local. No, no, it's a problem.
Speaker 1: Did you say you'd rather hee drake crack crown? Oh?
Speaker 1: I thought you said drake crack, And I was like, incredible,
Speaker 1: an old white man built like saying a drake and
Speaker 1: crack would be a holiday miracle. He'd be called people
Speaker 1: write needs. He'd be like, dash your dancer, get over here,
Speaker 1: get over real quick, sir again, my name is Kevin, Yeah, sir,
Speaker 1: my name is Officer Will Gambs. Okay, Rudolph, listen, it's Santa,
Speaker 1: and you know it's you know the regular tropes. You
Speaker 1: know Santa employs child labor. I get it. I don't
Speaker 1: have a problem with that because I think what I
Speaker 1: don't understand is our elves always children. I wasn't under
Speaker 1: the impression that elves were never children. I was under
Speaker 1: the impression they were elves. No, you have to be
Speaker 1: a baby to be an elf, to be a creature.
Speaker 1: But what's a grown elf? A grown elf is still
Speaker 1: an elf. Baby elf was still an elf? Then why
Speaker 1: those elves with him? Look forty, but sometimes they look
Speaker 1: like kids sometimes, but a lot a lot of those
Speaker 1: elves will be looking key blur. When you see those
Speaker 1: North Pole pictures and stuff, well, one that's not a
Speaker 1: real place. Wait a second, wait a bit, second, hour,
Speaker 1: a day, wait, wait a moment like these pictures we
Speaker 1: we have waited to what a third of the way
Speaker 1: is to start talking about what are at our real places?
Speaker 1: The North Pall is a real place. But then pictures
Speaker 1: are talking about North Pole pictures? Those are the mall
Speaker 1: in Santa Monica. No, no, I understand who do you
Speaker 1: who do you think you're talking to? Like this? This
Speaker 1: is crazy? I can't tell you see those North Pall
Speaker 1: pictures and I'm like, what North Paul pictures are not
Speaker 1: something mall pictures. I'm talking about the cartoons of talking
Speaker 1: in yes, the Santa Monica mall pictures of materials. A
Speaker 1: lot of these elves have beards, so in my mind
Speaker 1: they're not kids. Well it depends on the casting because
Speaker 1: in some of them their children, and some of them
Speaker 1: they're adults, and then another ones they are just old children.
Speaker 1: Was like as a child, but there are thousand years old,
Speaker 1: like five years old. What is an old child. Do
Speaker 1: you mean an adult? Because that's what happens when kids
Speaker 1: get old enough. You know, I've never heard anybody be like,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, my baby over there a hundred months No,
Speaker 1: Like you ever seen the movie the Santa Claus with
Speaker 1: Tim Allen h So, you know when the movie, like
Speaker 1: we're getting in the movie, he starts and it's like
Speaker 1: he's like, there's kids in here. It's like, why are
Speaker 1: their kids in here? So maybe at school and he
Speaker 1: was like that kids four hundred years old. That's what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. Because they're elves. They look like children some
Speaker 1: classification of my elves look like children forever. That's what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. So when I say old old child, you say, yeah,
Speaker 1: you somehow still don't mean grown. You mean an actual
Speaker 1: old child, just a dusty old. Also, eight hundred months
Speaker 1: old is sixty six years old? Mm hmmm mmm. Because
Speaker 1: we we decided that after eighteen years, we might as
Speaker 1: well just act like you're an adult, even if you aren't. Listen.
Speaker 1: I think eighteen I've been saying this when I was eighteen.
Speaker 1: Eighteen is not an adult really, No, I feel like
Speaker 1: it starts earlier than that. But but but if we
Speaker 1: had adults. Yeah, Yeah, there's a lot of people. There
Speaker 1: are a lot of people. I remember when I was
Speaker 1: like sixteen and I just in my with my peers,
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, some of y'all, Especially when somebody's
Speaker 1: like on on on the spectrum of good and evil. Right,
Speaker 1: when someone is very very good and they actually have
Speaker 1: so much emotional intelligence that they know what to do
Speaker 1: in every situation, things that almost can't be taught. They
Speaker 1: know what to do in lots of situations. They know
Speaker 1: how to nurture people, they know how to care for
Speaker 1: people all and stuff like that. I'm like you, I
Speaker 1: understand we're both sixteen right now, but you come off obviously,
Speaker 1: you come off way more of your six exactly. And
Speaker 1: then when somebody's evil, I've met people who were actually
Speaker 1: too evil, nothing even And I'll go out on limen
Speaker 1: say it just because I knew him well enough, nothing
Speaker 1: in their life had happened bad enough to teach them
Speaker 1: how to be this evil, and they were already this evil.
Speaker 1: I'm like, y'all, are you need to be tried as
Speaker 1: an adult, sir? Like like that? No, I would say,
Speaker 1: we're trying to say to somebody that like we were
Speaker 1: trying to like me and uh me and other guy.
Speaker 1: We're trying to talk to one of my friends because
Speaker 1: then one of those, like another one of those shootings,
Speaker 1: that mass shootings had happened, and we're like, some motherfucker's
Speaker 1: are just born evil. And she's like I think that,
Speaker 1: and I was like no, she was like, and I
Speaker 1: was like, we were like, nab bitch, no, no, no.
Speaker 1: Some of fucker's come out the womb warning pure chaos,
Speaker 1: death and destruction. And you don't know why. They don't
Speaker 1: know why. I go back and forth, like, let's say
Speaker 1: we didn't know each other, right, and I was on
Speaker 1: trial and you were and you were in the jury.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't. I don't because here's the thing.
Speaker 1: You'd either before me, and it'd be and you'd really
Speaker 1: have to be convinced that I did something, or you'd
Speaker 1: be a gets ben. It'd be like, look, I know
Speaker 1: you got all this evidence he didn't do it, but
Speaker 1: I saw his face. It's like it's like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: now you know me, you know me. You know I'll
Speaker 1: be reading Motherfucker's the House down boots as the kid's side.
Speaker 1: Uh huh. I'm out here reading. Listen. I am getting
Speaker 1: my son, we are reading it together. I'm gonna get
Speaker 1: these pizza her coupons. I am reading for the children.
Speaker 1: I am the lie Brarie. And sometimes you just catch
Speaker 1: a vibe behind somebody and you're like, oh, let me
Speaker 1: stay the funk away from you. There's just certain people
Speaker 1: like that. We're just like, especially as like as a woman,
Speaker 1: there's just stain like something. I got a guy coming
Speaker 1: with me, He's like, hey, can I just went nope,
Speaker 1: and I walked up. My friend was like what happened?
Speaker 1: I was like, girl, I was gonna end up on
Speaker 1: the fucking news if I talked to that man. And look,
Speaker 1: I'm just saying, they would have found me in various appliances.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna broken fucking barb. But then it just showed
Speaker 1: me back together. I looked like that damn bitch from
Speaker 1: what's it? Uh fucking nightmare before Christmas? Say that it
Speaker 1: stiched me back together like a fucking to our dog
Speaker 1: funk that I want to open gasket. I promised my
Speaker 1: mama Dad, if I go first, you're gonna see me
Speaker 1: bitch fuck that. I'm simply saying that based off what
Speaker 1: we've talked to about some people. They I feel like
Speaker 1: they grow up at a different like level and layer
Speaker 1: and look just to bring it all back. I felt
Speaker 1: the same way about Santa. Right. I was told about Santa,
Speaker 1: and I stopped believing pretty young, right, but then I
Speaker 1: think I was I think I was eight, So from
Speaker 1: like that makes sense. Those kids that still believe in
Speaker 1: Santa at like twelve and thirty, we're always like, okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: but you see, that's another lesson. That's another thing that
Speaker 1: helps helps you evaluate your peers, right, is that I
Speaker 1: think this person, we were all we were all sold
Speaker 1: the same bill of goods. Not obviously not at all,
Speaker 1: because there's different people who don't sell very Christmas and
Speaker 1: its I'm just saying, out of the mix of people
Speaker 1: who were sold the same bill of goods, there's some
Speaker 1: people that fell for it, some people that didn't fall
Speaker 1: for it, some people that fell for it and then
Speaker 1: figured it out pretty quick, and then some people who
Speaker 1: are still just living a dream. Listen, And I think
Speaker 1: the thing that always bugged me because I remember in
Speaker 1: school not believing in Santa and being told because I
Speaker 1: never believed in them because to me just didn't make sense.
Speaker 1: And I think The other reason that my mother did
Speaker 1: not perpetuate this is because my mother worked hard. She
Speaker 1: raised me my brother by herself, and so because of that,
Speaker 1: I don't think she wanted us to because she's like
Speaker 1: she would get us. There'd be like, you know, when
Speaker 1: the gifts would be from your silf, I'm like your sibling,
Speaker 1: one of the gifts would be from her, and one
Speaker 1: of the gifts would be from Santa, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. Among the gifts that we got, and there's
Speaker 1: always this Santa gift. And by the time I was like, hey,
Speaker 1: I was like, you don't know, I don't believe in Santa, right,
Speaker 1: And my brother was like I don't either. She was
Speaker 1: like okay, but we still got the Santa gift. And
Speaker 1: the Santa gift was the gift that we didn't know
Speaker 1: what we were going to get, right, some stuff we
Speaker 1: picked out and then some stuff we get is a
Speaker 1: surprise gift. So it was like in this concept, but
Speaker 1: none of us believed it. M I just could never
Speaker 1: get like, Okay, we would take this Chris Kringle thing
Speaker 1: whatever Christmas is, like, this is the birth of Christ.
Speaker 1: This is what we're doing right, Because I don't like
Speaker 1: I remember like asking a girl I was friends with
Speaker 1: in college, like, you know, she was like because she
Speaker 1: had we were cool, but she had a slick mouth sometimes.
Speaker 1: One day I asked, I was like, why are do
Speaker 1: you because she has a staunch atheist right to the
Speaker 1: point where she was rude, like most most atheists are.
Speaker 1: It's always like, it's always good to meet an atheist
Speaker 1: who doesn't tell you they're an atheist, because usually when
Speaker 1: you meet an atheist that I'm like, this their whole personality.
Speaker 1: It depends on the person, because I feel like there
Speaker 1: are people who atheism is kind of that um that
Speaker 1: strain of cross fit or veganism or something where it's
Speaker 1: like if you get into it enough, especially if you
Speaker 1: get into it after growing up religious, I think that
Speaker 1: it becomes a big It becomes a big marker for
Speaker 1: were you because the journey changed, right, because you're it's
Speaker 1: like you're being defiant, right. But I asked her one day,
Speaker 1: I was like, wait, if you're an atheist, why are
Speaker 1: you celebrating Christmas? And she said, what do you mean?
Speaker 1: I said, Christmas it's most of the name, it's most
Speaker 1: It's not I I was like, christ it's it's it's
Speaker 1: seventy of the name. It's Christ, It's Christ Moss extra extra.
Speaker 1: This is the beginning of the Christ, the Christ child
Speaker 1: is born. And she was like, well, you know, Christmas
Speaker 1: is a religious holiday. And I was like, bitch, what
Speaker 1: do you mean. I said, of course it is, because
Speaker 1: that's why people who aren't Christian. That's why Jews don't
Speaker 1: celebrate it. That's why Muslims don't celebrate it, and Buddhists
Speaker 1: and all the all of these other religious Hindus, all
Speaker 1: all of these other people of other religious don't celebrate
Speaker 1: Christmas because they're not Christian. And she's like, well, it's
Speaker 1: an American holiday, and I said, it's literally a religious holiday.
Speaker 1: That's so funny. Instead, American holiday is probably the most
Speaker 1: American thing a person could say, because it's like, you know,
Speaker 1: when you go to you know, Ecuador at Christmas time,
Speaker 1: they're gonna have Christmas, Christmas when you're the Philippines, when
Speaker 1: you go to Mexico, Mexico, Kenya, China, Afghanistic, anywhere that
Speaker 1: has Christmas time is always Christmas time. I did find
Speaker 1: out one of my my old boss, her husband was
Speaker 1: Romanian Orthodox and they celebrate Christmas on a different day.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, some some people do this thing of like
Speaker 1: it's the general time. But yeah, I've heard of some people.
Speaker 1: Some people even have there, like like people who do
Speaker 1: go to church for it and stuff have their church
Speaker 1: service on the day, some of them have at the
Speaker 1: day before, some of them only really have it the
Speaker 1: Sunday leading up to. Right, So you're talking about Christmas
Speaker 1: by non really? She was like yeah. And I was like,
Speaker 1: so you're celebrating presents and gift giving? What do you
Speaker 1: She was so angry at me. Probably it didn't help
Speaker 1: that we were at her house making Christmas cookies and
Speaker 1: I was like, so, why are you celebrating the Solida?
Speaker 1: This is crim What are we even doing? You literally
Speaker 1: stirring things up, you know with your words, So you know,
Speaker 1: can't take clause when my brother has a picture with
Speaker 1: Black Santa for when he's a kid, and you like,
Speaker 1: just like different cultures where like their Jesus like kind
Speaker 1: of likening up to what they look like, can't they clause?
Speaker 1: Because I follow the real Black Santa on Instagram? Yeah yeah.
Speaker 1: But also I was like, well, there's a lot of
Speaker 1: Korean churches, right because Koreans, you know, said shot you know,
Speaker 1: Koreans stuck with Jesus, A lot of them do. When
Speaker 1: Santa comes to the Korean church, is it a white
Speaker 1: man or is he Korean? Look? I think that that
Speaker 1: does depend on the culture. You you reminded me of.
Speaker 1: You reminded me what did I remind you of? One time?
Speaker 1: My friend? Okay, this is who knows if anyone will
Speaker 1: five this fard? So you know how sometimes when you're
Speaker 1: when you're growing up, different kids just have different like
Speaker 1: home situations, their parents have different levels of income. Right.
Speaker 1: And I remember one time I was I don't know
Speaker 1: if it was an after school thing or if it
Speaker 1: was cocker, it was something it was some extracurricular thing,
Speaker 1: because me and this kid did not go to school together, right,
Speaker 1: And I asked him, you know what Santa got him
Speaker 1: for Christmas? Because we're all little, We're like seven or something, right,
Speaker 1: And I'll never forget this because even at the time,
Speaker 1: I was like, even without understanding jokes yet, because you
Speaker 1: know when you you laugh when you're a kid and
Speaker 1: starting that, but I didn't understand jokes, Like I wasn't
Speaker 1: a joke writer when I was seven, you know, And
Speaker 1: so but I still understood like puns and word play.
Speaker 1: And this kid, and he's still probably to this day,
Speaker 1: doesn't know how funny what he said was. But uh,
Speaker 1: but I asked him what he got for Christmas? Like
Speaker 1: les if this kid said, all said, all I got
Speaker 1: from Santa this year was a cold, right, because he
Speaker 1: went to the mall as Santa was clearly sick that day. Right,
Speaker 1: So they sat over here, like what do you want
Speaker 1: for Chris? And so this kidd say he literally was
Speaker 1: like laid it back from Santa a little bit because
Speaker 1: he's in his lap, but he's like said over here
Speaker 1: like snifflet like using his beard to wipe his nose
Speaker 1: and stuff. And it was like he was like, I
Speaker 1: think I got a cold, and I think I got
Speaker 1: it from Santa because like nobody in my family is
Speaker 1: sick and it. But so I guess he didn't even
Speaker 1: get any presents. That's what I'm saying. Yes, that that's
Speaker 1: why I thought maybe some listeners might not find the
Speaker 1: entire story funny, but I I feel like it's important
Speaker 1: and it's an important lessons We were talking about lessons,
Speaker 1: which is one of the reasons I have the stance
Speaker 1: that I have. But you keep saying that like sad
Speaker 1: but little these lessons don't seem like fun lessons. Lessons
Speaker 1: supposed to be fun. I hear you, but it's like
Speaker 1: it seems to be like, oh, you asked Santa for
Speaker 1: this new toy truck and you got socks. Right, you
Speaker 1: don't know that your family can't afford this new toy truck.
Speaker 1: You just know you got socks or you asked for
Speaker 1: you know, something outrageous. It's like, Okay, you have no
Speaker 1: athletic skills in any fucking form or fashion, and you
Speaker 1: wanted this expensive baseball glove. Then your parents got you
Speaker 1: a truck. They didn't. It's not that said they didn't
Speaker 1: hear you, is that they know you have no athletic
Speaker 1: skills and the money they would have spent on this
Speaker 1: baseball glove because you want to be a baseball player
Speaker 1: and you have two four four left feet. Stuff can
Speaker 1: get blamed on Santa. But then when you but but
Speaker 1: but think about it, like then you becoming like you
Speaker 1: get a little older, you learn Santa is not real
Speaker 1: and it's like, okay, well then why didn't I get
Speaker 1: my baseball gloved? Yeah? Or just like or just general
Speaker 1: like na, we weren't gonna doing We're not doing that
Speaker 1: over here. So it's like, I guess I've never understood
Speaker 1: the point of the magic of chris Us is the
Speaker 1: virgin birth. So I don't know if we added in
Speaker 1: more magic because it's around the solstice time and you know,
Speaker 1: trying to convert Pagans into Christianity, so you put it
Speaker 1: at that time, which is why they say Easter is
Speaker 1: the time that it is, and that's why the Easter
Speaker 1: bunny and the eggs I'll go along with Easter. That's
Speaker 1: always been confusing for me. Also, did you know, I know,
Speaker 1: I didn't know. I was a full I'm talking about
Speaker 1: graduated from college, found this out. Did you know that
Speaker 1: the Easter bunny is supposed to bring it in Easter
Speaker 1: basket like Santa brings you presents. No, really, you think
Speaker 1: they were selling Easter baskets. I just thought it was
Speaker 1: a thing because there was a bunny and eggs and
Speaker 1: eggs go on a basket. Because my mother called because
Speaker 1: the Eastern was Resurrection Day. Yeah, absolutely, so it was
Speaker 1: like my aunt my godmother would give us Easter baskets.
Speaker 1: But I because my mother never really told us that
Speaker 1: Santa Claus was and she definitely wasn't on She's like,
Speaker 1: I'm not telling you. I was like I asked her
Speaker 1: as an adult. I was like, why didn't He's like,
Speaker 1: I wasn't going to do that with you. I think
Speaker 1: that so you so wait, did you get a Easter basket?
Speaker 1: I did get the Eastern basket? Some years there was
Speaker 1: one year where I'm like, I don't know if there's
Speaker 1: there's a year where the it started to gap a
Speaker 1: little bit. I can tell you Eastern baskets, once you
Speaker 1: get past the age of like nine, Eastern baskets suck.
Speaker 1: They're not good. No what you're an older like when
Speaker 1: you're a little kid, it's like here's a little little toy,
Speaker 1: like little things, and then once you get older, it's
Speaker 1: like you put a fucking football in a basket I
Speaker 1: didn't want Yeah what why half of these things? Or
Speaker 1: I only want half of these things? Also, I think
Speaker 1: it's weird that like in America we say Merry Christmas,
Speaker 1: but in the UK. In the UK they say Happy Christmas,
Speaker 1: And I'm like, you motherfucker seemed like the one who'll
Speaker 1: be using the word mary. Yeah. No, that is which
Speaker 1: I think pretty heavily, Like that's like, that's that seems
Speaker 1: like we should be saying happy, they should be saying
Speaker 1: Mary Mary. Now, okay, this this is where because you
Speaker 1: were mentioning the lessons, you were mentioned lessons, but also
Speaker 1: it's I don't understand. I guess I've never understood the point, like,
Speaker 1: for instance, like I don't understand the point of the
Speaker 1: Easter Bunny either, because Christians only got to holidays. Yeah,
Speaker 1: the Easter Bunny is to me like almost indefensible. It
Speaker 1: doesn't make any sense to me. I'm like, where does
Speaker 1: name come from? Who sent him? At least St. Nicholas
Speaker 1: I think was an actual saint, right, Yeah, and and
Speaker 1: and it's a bigger thing overall in the world. So
Speaker 1: Santa Claus. There are some countries that have Babushka, there
Speaker 1: are some countries that have like there's there's so many
Speaker 1: different versions of this same thing doing. Isn't it the
Speaker 1: Dutch dude that has the slave I know about like
Speaker 1: Black Pete, but I don't know if that's Santa to them. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So children are taught to believe they received their presence
Speaker 1: from St. Nicholas, who was accompanied by a black servant
Speaker 1: called Black Peter. Adults will dress up as St. Nicholas
Speaker 1: and Black Peter, a white person painted in black face,
Speaker 1: and visit children and adults. So yeah, Black Peter is
Speaker 1: the servant. He's a slave, and they are trying to
Speaker 1: step stop them from dressing in black face, and they're like,
Speaker 1: but it's a tradition and there's only seventeen black people here.
Speaker 1: Sow are you going to stop the Duchess the Netherlands,
Speaker 1: so I don't know how many of us live there. Um,
Speaker 1: I don't do cold white countries. So like in the
Speaker 1: UK is a happy Christmas in stead of Merry Christmas.
Speaker 1: But then they call Santa Claus Father Christmas, which makes
Speaker 1: more sense than in Santa Claus. Here's my thing with
Speaker 1: Santa versus Father Christmas. Okay, I feel like Father Christmas
Speaker 1: gets a little too close to like confusing the children,
Speaker 1: you know, because it's like Father Christmas feels too much
Speaker 1: like Jesus's dad, whereas Santa Clause feels like a totally
Speaker 1: different character. Okay, you know, like I I used to
Speaker 1: hear people say Father Christmas. I was like, I don't
Speaker 1: know if I'm with that one, you know that makes sense?
Speaker 1: I mean I still always. It just made always be
Speaker 1: more sense to me because it's like, oh, we get
Speaker 1: presents on Christmas because the baby Jesus got presents. Well,
Speaker 1: if the presents on Christmas because the baby Jesus got presents,
Speaker 1: then why is it the why the three Wise Men
Speaker 1: is the one bringing up the presents. No, that so
Speaker 1: when you said that at the beginning of the episode,
Speaker 1: that made a lot of sense to me. And I'm
Speaker 1: surprised no one has done that as a I'm surprised
Speaker 1: that thing never caught on if there's such a shared
Speaker 1: understanding of the story of Christmas. Um. I think that
Speaker 1: for me, when it comes to telling kids about Christmas,
Speaker 1: the second side, the unfair and the sad side of
Speaker 1: the lesson and everything is the disappointment, you know, because
Speaker 1: like they're like, you know, Santa sees you when you're sleeping,
Speaker 1: he knows when you're awake, So Santa's a sucking stalker,
Speaker 1: which is a joke that's been made a million times.
Speaker 1: When I get it, it's like it's like that whole
Speaker 1: Elf on the shelf thing where it's like, hey, this
Speaker 1: tiny el is gonna watch everything you do and if
Speaker 1: you mess up, he's gonna I've heard people go, if
Speaker 1: you actually had, you're gonna tell Santa. And it's like, then,
Speaker 1: what did you do the other eleven months of the
Speaker 1: fucking year when your child was acting like a maniac?
Speaker 1: M have you used in Santa? You're just in a
Speaker 1: strong march, just flying through April, going Santa, Santa. Santa
Speaker 1: is like this child is four, he doesn't remember yesterday,
Speaker 1: Like why are you telling him about? Like anyway, it
Speaker 1: was Santa. But it's like I remember, like the first time,
Speaker 1: like learning about the story of Christmas, right, the virgin birth.
Speaker 1: They're going, there's no room at the end, He's born
Speaker 1: in a manger. Wheezy have baby, right. So I remember
Speaker 1: the whole time hearing this whole story in the three
Speaker 1: and the frank instance, murder Gold, you know, the stars
Speaker 1: and all this other stuff. I remember going, but where
Speaker 1: is Santa? And my mother was like, what, Sa, where
Speaker 1: is Santa? If this is the story of Christmas, where
Speaker 1: is Santa? And she was like, great question. And then
Speaker 1: she had explained to me how Santa was not involved
Speaker 1: with the baby Jesus, and I was like, so he wasn't.
Speaker 1: Then No. I remember being the school being like, well
Speaker 1: if Santa wasn't there. Why is he here now? Coca Cola? Idiot?
Speaker 1: Wake up, wake up, Understand that there's there's a bigger
Speaker 1: thing at play. Okay, then your little holiday. There's a
Speaker 1: grind happening. Oh no, no, no, Santa been on a
Speaker 1: grind for decades now called a bottling company. So it's
Speaker 1: a cod Cold and company. That's what that's what we
Speaker 1: call a partnership. Okay. Santa is a brand ambassador, alright,
Speaker 1: pushing this Coca Cola to the children, to the America's
Speaker 1: I wish that I could be on my hustle the
Speaker 1: way Santa is. All right, you live somewhere like Australia
Speaker 1: because comes it's hot, Christmas, comes Florida and ship. Sure, sure,
Speaker 1: I'm with Christmas. It's very interesting because it's like when
Speaker 1: you're my brother got a super soaker for Christmas because
Speaker 1: it was Miami in December. Yeah. Yeah, And I'll tell
Speaker 1: you what. I'll tell you what. Right now, you want
Speaker 1: to talk about Australia, you wanna talk about Florida or whatever.
Speaker 1: Santa makes it over there too, because he's on his grind,
Speaker 1: all right, on a hundred thousand going how many miles
Speaker 1: per hour it takes to get from Australia to the
Speaker 1: North Hold to Florida. He does it all in one night,
Speaker 1: in one night. All right. If you told me that
Speaker 1: all I had to do to have a nearly year
Speaker 1: off was to grind for one night, I do it. Listen.
Speaker 1: But I think I remember as a kid almost trying
Speaker 1: to justify it. It's like, okay, it's probably the whole
Speaker 1: countries that he gets to skip. There are countries that
Speaker 1: he gets to skip. But he also got the plan
Speaker 1: and he got the logistics. Right. You never see somebody
Speaker 1: ever tapped their temple. That's actually saying something smart. He
Speaker 1: got the logistics. Okay, you see what I'm saying right here.
Speaker 1: He got the logistics down all right. He got his
Speaker 1: routes already planned out. He got the elves. Because that's
Speaker 1: the other thing that people don't realize that sometimes sometimes
Speaker 1: it's about synergy. Sometimes it's about building yourself up and
Speaker 1: they're having people under you. So then you got Santa
Speaker 1: right here, right, And then he got five elves that
Speaker 1: also got five elves that they were their friends, and
Speaker 1: then they each get five elves, and so you get
Speaker 1: a little triangle going right, and then a real pyramid.
Speaker 1: We don't really use words like that because that's that's
Speaker 1: the type of stuff the haters say. Okay, so anyway,
Speaker 1: you got your triangle of success. But listen, if you
Speaker 1: want a triangle of success, would you rather have a
Speaker 1: one side or would you rather have a triangle with
Speaker 1: four size? That? I mean, now you think it? Now
Speaker 1: you thinking that that's actual hus That's once again, I
Speaker 1: don't know what's not clicking for you, about what's helpful
Speaker 1: and what's hateful. Okay, so you only do three sided pyramids?
Speaker 1: You know. I can tell. I can tell with somebody's
Speaker 1: not gonna take the mission seriously, like I can tell
Speaker 1: with some six no, no, no, I can I can tell.
Speaker 1: That's that's cool, that's cool. I get it. You aren't
Speaker 1: ready to receive the message, you know, you're not really
Speaker 1: ready to be on it like Santa's on it. When
Speaker 1: do you buy one? I found out that because for
Speaker 1: some reason, the conversation of the genders of the reindeer
Speaker 1: came up because Gus, why the funk not? And somebody
Speaker 1: was saying that all of them are male, and then
Speaker 1: I was looking at it and it's like they weren't.
Speaker 1: Apparently all of them would have to be female, including Rudolph.
Speaker 1: Including Rudolph. Oh okay, because of the time of year.
Speaker 1: And also female reindeer also have antlers. Let's google. Is
Speaker 1: What I'm saying is that there's a lot of things
Speaker 1: that we ask because it comes to stuff like this. Uh,
Speaker 1: because like we're trying to do the logistics, we're trying
Speaker 1: to like, oh it already, I said, we're Santa's reindeer.
Speaker 1: Here we go, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, comic keeper, daughter,
Speaker 1: and Blitzen and yes, even Rudolph. Our ladies, the originally
Speaker 1: eight first introduced in the poem a visit this is
Speaker 1: so funny? Who runs the slave girls? Science says Sandra's
Speaker 1: red deer are all actually female. And this is in
Speaker 1: People magazine. Let me tell you something that just makes
Speaker 1: me respect Santa even more, all right, because it makes
Speaker 1: me respect that more women. Oh so the males of
Speaker 1: the species shed their headgear mid December. Mm hmmm, so
Speaker 1: they wouldn't have so while these dudes out here with
Speaker 1: busted tail lights right right, Santa was like, ladies, we
Speaker 1: gotta do we we It's up to us, all right?
Speaker 1: Is you? Me and the elves wherever they are. Santa is,
Speaker 1: I think it's good for the children. Now he's not.
Speaker 1: It's the thing is, it's there are parents that work
Speaker 1: very hard, very hard to give their children Christmas. Might
Speaker 1: work an extra job. I remember when you remember the
Speaker 1: footage from the Tick of the Elmos when the women
Speaker 1: I'm with you. Yeah, I just fought for seven bitches
Speaker 1: in a target at two in the morning to get
Speaker 1: your little lasses, Elmo. I threw bows for you, I
Speaker 1: threw bowls for you. Yeah, I'm with you. I'm just ripped.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I didn't even bring my purse. Your
Speaker 1: mom did it perfectly. Your mom did it perfectly. Some
Speaker 1: of the presents are from me, some of them are
Speaker 1: from Santa. Parents worked really hard to give their kids Christmas,
Speaker 1: and this motherfucker gets all the credit. I listen, I
Speaker 1: gave multiple people black eyes for you to get this
Speaker 1: Teddy rucks pen. I had to boat somebody else to
Speaker 1: get two of them because I didn't want for you
Speaker 1: and your brother m h Anna, Thank you, Santa. Santa's
Speaker 1: not icing his knee right now. Santa does not have
Speaker 1: frozen peas on his knuckles right now. That's then, that's
Speaker 1: the gift that comes from mom, all right, but the
Speaker 1: plaid shirt can be from Santa. Why don't you knock
Speaker 1: Sanda down a peg. I'm saying, if you're if you're
Speaker 1: taking this route, I'm saying to the parents, how about
Speaker 1: you be a little bit more inventive. How about you
Speaker 1: make it so that when you have to tell your
Speaker 1: kid that Santa is not real, they're like, I didn't
Speaker 1: like his presence anyway. This dude was garbage day one. Okay,
Speaker 1: giving me socks an underwear, you know what every year,
Speaker 1: if you if you're really worried about this, I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna say, in order for your kid to bothe, I
Speaker 1: think this is a good middle ground between the two
Speaker 1: of us. We don't usually do middle grounds, but I'm
Speaker 1: a try, right. I think a good middle ground between
Speaker 1: the two of us is, go ahead and tell your
Speaker 1: kid about Santa. But for every Christmas, when they ask
Speaker 1: Santa for all the stuff, you get the stuff that
Speaker 1: they want from Santa, and then you put the gift
Speaker 1: under the tree from Santa, and it's just crackers. It's
Speaker 1: just saltines, you know. And look, some kids love crackers.
Speaker 1: Some kids will be like, oh my gosh, Salteine, I
Speaker 1: needed some of these old fish. But overall you can
Speaker 1: be like all right, look sayinga clearly not coming through
Speaker 1: heavy with the presents. And so then the years from
Speaker 1: now hopefully just a couple when you have to tell
Speaker 1: your kid that says not real, they get to learn
Speaker 1: a lesson about life and they're not as let down
Speaker 1: because now they know you were the one putting in
Speaker 1: the work for those presents to begin with. Okay, but yeah,
Speaker 1: we'll kick it to you the listener. You know, how
Speaker 1: do you feel about do you think that people should
Speaker 1: be told about Santa? Should not be told about Santa?
Speaker 1: Do you think it's harmful or helpful? Do you think
Speaker 1: that we did a good job presenting to you the
Speaker 1: facts of our argument and some pretty good along the
Speaker 1: way things. Thank you for listening to hold up. You
Speaker 1: can catch me on the show Shows, So Shows, damn
Speaker 1: It at Dual Stay Sloan on Everything, and you can
Speaker 1: also check out Josh Johnson. Um I'm Josh Johnson Comedy
Speaker 1: on TikTok, Instagram YouTube find me at those places. Um.
Speaker 1: I also do a podcast called The Josh Johnson Show
Speaker 1: you can check out. And other than that, I'm just
Speaker 1: looking to be around, meet you. Hit me up. You know,
Speaker 1: I want to hear about your day. I'm just chilling,
Speaker 1: you know. Tell me a crazy story I'd love to hear.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Listen to hold Up Ho Ho no Ah.
Speaker 1: Tell your kids about sat Watch The Daily Show weeknights
Speaker 1: eleven Central on Comedy Central. In stream fool episodes anytime
Speaker 1: on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast