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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever

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Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to

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Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode. I don't know

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Speaker 1: what it is at the moment, but there is something

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Speaker 1: in the water, because I've been receiving so many dms,

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Speaker 1: so many requests to do this episode, and today I'm

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Speaker 1: going to do it. Let's jump into it. We're going

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Speaker 1: to talk about the long distance dilemma and that kind

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Speaker 1: of age old question, or in some ways a new

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Speaker 1: age question of do I do long distance or do

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Speaker 1: we end it here? Is the distance too much of

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Speaker 1: a hurdle in my relationship? I think this is such

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Speaker 1: a conundrum for those of us dating in our twenties.

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Speaker 1: During this decade, I think our romantic relationships suddenly take

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Speaker 1: on a whole new level of seriousness as we begin

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Speaker 1: to consider the longevity and the nature of this relationship.

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Speaker 1: This could be our life partner, this could be our

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Speaker 1: forever person, and that level of seriousness is not one

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Speaker 1: that we typically had in our teenage years or in

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Speaker 1: the relationships we had in our early twenties. We become

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Speaker 1: a lot more future orientated in every aspect of our lives,

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Speaker 1: and that includes when it comes to our romantic partners.

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Speaker 1: But at the same time, our twenties also pose this

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Speaker 1: very unique time. I would say that presents so many

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Speaker 1: opportunities to travel to work abroad or in different states,

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Speaker 1: opportunities that are once in a lifetime that we can't

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Speaker 1: say no to. But sometimes the choices we decide to

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Speaker 1: make aren't going to align with what our partner decides

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Speaker 1: to do, and we have to make a decision do

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Speaker 1: we try and take this long distance? So how do

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Speaker 1: we make that decision? What are some of the major considerations.

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Speaker 1: What are some of the things you should be looking

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Speaker 1: out for around whether this is going to work? And

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Speaker 1: maybe you've given it a shot, you've done long distance

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Speaker 1: and it's just not working out. How do we know

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Speaker 1: when it's time to throw in the towel and I

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Speaker 1: guess leave that relationship behind. I think distance can be

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Speaker 1: hard in any relationship. It really disturbs our closeness it's

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Speaker 1: harder to make shared memories. It can also be really

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Speaker 1: really expensive when we account for for travel, and I

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Speaker 1: think it's hard when you have to say goodbye as well.

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Speaker 1: You know, there's no cutting corners here. It's going to

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Speaker 1: be difficult, and it will test whether this person is

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Speaker 1: the right one for you for all of the correct reasons.

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Speaker 1: It tests your boundaries, It tests the nature of your

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Speaker 1: innate connection, I guess. But there is also a way

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Speaker 1: through it, and I want to talk about that today

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Speaker 1: as well. We're going to discuss all things long distance,

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Speaker 1: starting at what the psychological pillars of a healthy romantic

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Speaker 1: connection look like, how those are tested by distance, why

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Speaker 1: it is that distance places a strain on our partnership,

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Speaker 1: on our relationship, Also some of the major questions and

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Speaker 1: considerations that you need to contemplate before diving into this arrangement,

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Speaker 1: the signs that it may not be working, and some

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Speaker 1: of the tips to remain connected, backed by some fun

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Speaker 1: psychological theories around connection similarity and emotional intimacy. So, for

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Speaker 1: all of my lovely listeners out there who have messaged

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Speaker 1: me with questions and needing advice on their long distance relationship,

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Speaker 1: this one is for you. We're going to get into

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Speaker 1: all the nitty gritty and hopefully provide some more clarity

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Speaker 1: around what the future holds and answer some of those questions.

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Speaker 1: I'm so excited to get into it, to share a

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Speaker 1: bit of my own experience, and of course all of

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Speaker 1: the psychology that explains why distance can be so hard. So,

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Speaker 1: without further ado, I say we jump right into the

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Speaker 1: long distance dilemma. Alrighty, let's picture this for a second.

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Speaker 1: You and your partner have been together for three years.

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Speaker 1: You met at twenty one. When you're at UNI, you

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Speaker 1: are super in love. You're still super in love, you

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Speaker 1: may even live together, and you're really going steady. You know,

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Speaker 1: the future seems really bright. You can't live without them.

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Speaker 1: And then all of a sudden, you get an amazing

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Speaker 1: opportunity to move into state. It's an incredible offer, more money,

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Speaker 1: your dream job, in your dream city, and you're going

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Speaker 1: to take it. But your partner wants to stay where

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Speaker 1: they are. They are equally happy with the opportunities they

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Speaker 1: have at the moment, and in this situation, you kind

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Speaker 1: of face across roads. You really only have two options here.

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Speaker 1: Do you start a long distance relationship or do you

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Speaker 1: go your separate ways. And I guess there's also that

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Speaker 1: third alternative, which is to say no to that opportunity

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Speaker 1: and to stay in the same place. That third alternative

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Speaker 1: is not one I think we're going to talk about

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Speaker 1: a lot today. I would not recommend it, especially when

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Speaker 1: we are so young for so many reasons. You know,

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Speaker 1: our twenties are such a time of liberation and freedom.

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Speaker 1: You never know if you'll get this opportunity again, or

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Speaker 1: this level of freedom. And I think one day we're

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Speaker 1: inevitably going to be restricted by things like mortgages and

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Speaker 1: children and aging and family. So now is really the time,

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Speaker 1: I think, where you're allowed to feel selfish. You're allowed

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Speaker 1: to say yes, and even if that's going to change

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Speaker 1: your dynamic. If the person you are with is right

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Speaker 1: for you, they are going to celebrate your success and

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Speaker 1: your decision. They're not going to hold you back. I

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Speaker 1: think secondly, if you say no for the sake of

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Speaker 1: staying together, this can potentially foster resentment if it alters

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Speaker 1: kind of the balance of power and compromises between you both.

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Speaker 1: You know, when one partner consistently has to say no

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Speaker 1: to things, especially when they benefit their personal or professional growth,

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Speaker 1: it can create a real imbalance and I think a

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Speaker 1: big degree of resentment. You know, over time you begin

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Speaker 1: to feel undervalued. And there's also this idea of a

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Speaker 1: sense of missed potential. You know. There was a wonderful

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Speaker 1: study done in twenty seventeen and it examined past and

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Speaker 1: future regret around missed opportunities and kind of that implicit

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Speaker 1: trade off that occurs, and they found that lost opportunities

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Speaker 1: can create regret and resentment, and it makes it difficult

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Speaker 1: to achieve psychological closure because you can't change the past.

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Speaker 1: You're always kind of going to be haunted by this

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Speaker 1: what if. So I think when you're faced with this

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Speaker 1: dilemma of do I say yes or do I say

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Speaker 1: no for the sake of my relationship, my opinion is

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Speaker 1: you should always say yes. What's now in question is

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Speaker 1: whether the relationship you're currently in is going to grow

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Speaker 1: with you into this new situation and this new season

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Speaker 1: of life, or maybe you would both be better off

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Speaker 1: kind of calling it quits, saying goodbye. Of course, that

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Speaker 1: is a very nuanced personal decision, and I think distance

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Speaker 1: comes from a lot of factors. You can feel distanced

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Speaker 1: even when you are close together, but there are so

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Speaker 1: many things that also make proximity a massive issue. You know,

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Speaker 1: it's not just that you've gotten this amazing opportunity to

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Speaker 1: say yes or no to It may also be that

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Speaker 1: you've just lived in different countries when you met, or

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Speaker 1: your family needs, you know, all these pressures. But I

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Speaker 1: think regardless of the reason why you are facing this dilemma,

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Speaker 1: wh're not going to sugarcoat it here. Long distance is

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Speaker 1: super hard and there are actually a number of psychological

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Speaker 1: reasons why this is the case and which could potentially

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Speaker 1: explain why so few relationships actually survive this experience in

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Speaker 1: this period. You know, there's been so many findings that

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Speaker 1: couples in long distance relationships they were more likely to

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Speaker 1: separate compared to those living a short distance away for

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Speaker 1: a number of reasons. And I also want to state

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Speaker 1: that isn't always going to be the case. Obviously every

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Speaker 1: situation is unique, but they are associated with more individual

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Speaker 1: and relational stress compared to being in a proximal relationship

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Speaker 1: proximal meaning a short distance or local. I think that's

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Speaker 1: because at the end of the day, relationships are built

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Speaker 1: on psychological and physical factors like proximity, closeness, and reciprocity,

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Speaker 1: and when one of these is weakened, we can really

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Speaker 1: struggle to maintain that romantic connection and sense of trust.

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Speaker 1: I think as humans we do have an inherent need

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Speaker 1: for physical closeness, and when that connection is absent or limited,

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Speaker 1: it contributes to feelings of loneliness, to feelings of longing

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Speaker 1: and frustration, which are then projected onto your partner. Projection

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Speaker 1: being a psychological coping mechanism whereby we attribute our own

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Speaker 1: feelings to another person rather than acknowledging just the holistic

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Speaker 1: difficulty of the situation that we are in. You know,

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Speaker 1: we don't see it as the distance. We see it

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Speaker 1: as our partner isn't putting in enough effort. We see

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Speaker 1: it as our partner is letting us down, that our

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Speaker 1: partner is not willing to sacrifice for our relationship when

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Speaker 1: that isn't the case. I think this a lack of

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Speaker 1: physical closeness and the strain that places on a relationship

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Speaker 1: can be traced by act to the effect and the

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Speaker 1: influence of dopamine. Of course, dopamine is the neurotransmitter that

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Speaker 1: is responsible for pleasure and reward, in addition to things

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Speaker 1: like oxytocin, which is the chemical that allows us to

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Speaker 1: feel love and to feel trust. These neurochemicals are released

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Speaker 1: at much higher rates when we are physically closer to someone,

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Speaker 1: when we can hug and kiss them and be in

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Speaker 1: their presence, and they make us feel amazing, And as

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Speaker 1: time goes on, if you've spent a lot of time

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Speaker 1: around this person, you've obviously fallen in love. And we

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Speaker 1: come to depend on these chemicals and the way that

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Speaker 1: they fuel a sense of closeness and intimacy. So when

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Speaker 1: we become physically distanced, we can go into somewhat of

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Speaker 1: a withdrawal. When these chemicals and neurotransmitters are released at

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Speaker 1: a lower rate, it creates stress, It creates longing and

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Speaker 1: even physical pain, which is a feeling I think any

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Speaker 1: one of us we've ever been separated from someone we

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Speaker 1: deeply love, can understand. On another kind of level as well,

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Speaker 1: This distance can also create opportunities for jealousy, for doubt,

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Speaker 1: and insecurity because we are no longer able to physically

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Speaker 1: check in regularly and observe each other's daily activities and progress.

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Speaker 1: There's also this element of not being able to talk

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Speaker 1: openly as well and respond to cues other than just

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Speaker 1: someone's words. You know, a lot of our communication as

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Speaker 1: humans is not just done through what we verbally express.

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Speaker 1: It's done through small gestures and posture and tone and

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Speaker 1: body language. But when you have to have those hard

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Speaker 1: conversations with your partner through the phone or of FaceTime,

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Speaker 1: a lot of that is missed and we can misinterpret

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Speaker 1: what's someone is trying to say, or feel a lack

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Speaker 1: of trust and a lack of closeness, like we can't

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Speaker 1: really believe them. And of course there is this element

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Speaker 1: of a lack of shared experiences. You know, building shared

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Speaker 1: experiences and creating memories with a partner is essential. It's

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Speaker 1: an essential part of any relationship, not even just romantic.

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Speaker 1: So in long distance relationships, I know it sounds kind

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Speaker 1: of obvious, but the physical distance limits our ability to

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Speaker 1: share these experiences on a regular basis. It makes us

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Speaker 1: feel disconnected, It makes us feel like we are living

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Speaker 1: separate lives, which in some ways we are. And I

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Speaker 1: know this perspective around why it's so hard is somewhat

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Speaker 1: somewhat negative and maybe a bit of a downer, But

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Speaker 1: I think all of this is just to say that a,

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Speaker 1: if you're considering this, you should go into it prepared

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Speaker 1: and be If this is you currently, it's not your

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Speaker 1: fault for feeling inflicted or for finding this hard. It's biological,

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Speaker 1: it's social, it's psychological, but it doesn't mean that it's

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Speaker 1: the end, because a lot of the time it can

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Speaker 1: be worth it if the person is worth it. I

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Speaker 1: was in this relationship during university. You'll know who that

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Speaker 1: was with if you listen to my episode with my ex.

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Speaker 1: I actually need to do a follow up on that.

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Speaker 1: But besides the point, we did long distance for four

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Speaker 1: months during the COVID lockdowns, and when I tell you,

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Speaker 1: it got to the point where we almost broke up

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Speaker 1: every week, I'm not even joking. It was unbearable. And

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Speaker 1: when I could finally go and see him when the

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Speaker 1: travel restrictions eased, I remember feeling like, Okay, I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: go and I'm gonna break up with him, and I

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Speaker 1: literally told my housemates that I would be back that evening.

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Speaker 1: I did the three hour drive to where he was living.

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Speaker 1: I cried the entire time, and when I saw him,

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Speaker 1: it was like everything was totally fine. We fine. It

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Speaker 1: just fell right back into place. When you do see

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Speaker 1: each other, it feels like a honeymoon. It feels like

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Speaker 1: a vacation. You just connect on a whole new level.

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Speaker 1: You know, it's like this huge rush of all of

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Speaker 1: those happy, positive hormones. And we all know the saying,

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Speaker 1: you know, distance makes the heart grow fonder and I

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Speaker 1: never realized the truth behind that until that moment. And

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Speaker 1: of course, if you've been in a long distance relationship

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Speaker 1: for some time and you are seeing each other more

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Speaker 1: regularly than once every four months, I'm sure you'll experience

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Speaker 1: a lot less of the cumulative and built up stress.

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Speaker 1: But it also makes your time together so special and

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Speaker 1: so precious when you are in the same location, because

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Speaker 1: I think you've really developed your relationship to the point

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Speaker 1: where you can kind of handle anything. After you've been

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Speaker 1: through that period of stress and complication and distance. You

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Speaker 1: know you've built the trust, you've built the communication, the boundaries,

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Speaker 1: you understand how to connect, and you don't really take

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Speaker 1: each other for granted. I think, alongside this, from a

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Speaker 1: psychological perspective, long distance relationships often require us to develop independence,

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Speaker 1: to develop resilience and effective communication skills. You know, being

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Speaker 1: physically separated does provide an opportunity for personal growth as

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Speaker 1: you learn to kind of navigate challenges and make decisions independently.

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Speaker 1: It also provides you with so much extra time to

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Speaker 1: focus on your personal goals, focus on your hobbies, on

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Speaker 1: your friends, self improvement, and fostering a sense of individual fulfillment.

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Speaker 1: You know, a lot of the time I see this

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Speaker 1: amongst people in their twenties, where we become like obsessed

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Speaker 1: with our partner. Our You know, our partner is like

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Speaker 1: the core pillar and the center of our universe. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: it is kind of nice to break away from that

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Speaker 1: and realize that you are actually two separate people. But

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Speaker 1: there are some considerations and some questions to ask yourself

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Speaker 1: before you dive right in deciding whether to pursue a

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Speaker 1: long distance relationship. It can be a complex decision, and psychology,

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Speaker 1: of course, can provide some insights for us to consider.

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Speaker 1: Here are a few that I think are particularly worthwhile

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Speaker 1: to take into account. Number one, goal alignment and the future.

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Speaker 1: There is no point putting yourself under this pressure. If

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Speaker 1: you both see this relationship as short term. It sounds

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Speaker 1: kind of like common sense, But do you actually want

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Speaker 1: to be with this person in the long run and

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Speaker 1: do they feel the same. You need to discuss your

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Speaker 1: long term goals and aspirations with your partner before you

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Speaker 1: jump into doing life long distance. Are you both on

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Speaker 1: the same page regarding the future of the relationship and

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Speaker 1: the willingness to eventually close that gap and close the distance.

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Speaker 1: Do you have a shared vision? Do you both have

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Speaker 1: the same idea around your priorities, whether you want a family,

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Speaker 1: where the relationship is headed. If you're not on the

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Speaker 1: same page around your values and your goals, the relationship

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Speaker 1: is either going to crumble really quickly or you're gonna

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Speaker 1: find yourself in the same location again and then be like,

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Speaker 1: what was the point of doing all of this? So

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Speaker 1: I would say having a shared sense of direction and

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Speaker 1: purpose will help you navigate the challenges and make you

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Speaker 1: feel like it's worth it. The second thing to consider

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Speaker 1: before you get into a long distance relationship is communication.

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Speaker 1: I feel like, once again super common sense, but effective

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Speaker 1: communication is crucial in any relationship, but even more in

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Speaker 1: this situation. Reflect on your communication styles. Is one of

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Speaker 1: you a bit more hostile? Does one of you close off?

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Speaker 1: What is your willingness your equal willingness to be open

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Speaker 1: and honest? And I think you have to realize that

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Speaker 1: there will be effort there in investing and maintaining a

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Speaker 1: strong connection, not just in terms of your communication styles,

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Speaker 1: but also in terms of practical things like time zones

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Speaker 1: and work schedules. And you know, your life is no

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Speaker 1: longer conveniently in parallel. It's now kind of perpendicular, where

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Speaker 1: you meet at one single point during the day, and

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Speaker 1: you have to try and create situations where that is

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Speaker 1: going to be most ideal for both of you. The

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Speaker 1: third thing I would say is trust. You know, trust

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Speaker 1: is such a nuanced psychological idea and it is the

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Speaker 1: foundation of any successful relationship. But essentially it is this

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Speaker 1: idea that you know that that other person will be

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Speaker 1: in your corner and will make decison in both their

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Speaker 1: best interests but also your own best interest. And I

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Speaker 1: think when you do long distance the entire context of

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Speaker 1: it is that you don't get to spend quality time

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Speaker 1: and have hard discussions in person. And if you are

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Speaker 1: someone who is particularly jealous, or perhaps has an anxious

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Speaker 1: attachment style or childhood wounds surrounding abandonment, you are going

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Speaker 1: to be triggered by your partner moving away, So it

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Speaker 1: may be worth having a deeper discussion about how you're

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Speaker 1: going to manage that. What level of reassurance you need,

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Speaker 1: what level of frequency of communication you're after, because unless

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Speaker 1: you're both capable of fostering and preserving trust over the distance,

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Speaker 1: it might be worth just simply going on a break.

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Speaker 1: The fourth element and consideration is your emotional and physical needs.

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Speaker 1: Consider what your physical needs are as as well as

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Speaker 1: those of your partner. If you are someone who likes

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Speaker 1: to have sex all the time, if you are someone

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Speaker 1: whose primary love language is physical touch and quality time,

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Speaker 1: a long distance relationship is going to require more effort

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Speaker 1: from you because your immediate romantic needs are not going

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Speaker 1: to be fulfilled in the same way that they were

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Speaker 1: when that person was close. So I think you really

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Speaker 1: need to evaluate that trade off. Are you willing to

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Speaker 1: give up what you need physically and emotionally in the

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Speaker 1: short term or are you someone who actually needs that

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Speaker 1: input and stimulation and those needs fulfilled more regularly. You know,

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Speaker 1: I think that you need to be honest. Both of

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Speaker 1: you need to be honest about whether that is too

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Speaker 1: much of a hurdle, you know, whether you should open

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Speaker 1: up your relationship, whether you should see other people, or

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Speaker 1: whether it's something that you're willing to sacrifice in the

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Speaker 1: short term. For the long term out come and output

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Speaker 1: of being together. And the final consideration is your support system.

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Speaker 1: Distance is really hard and it will definitely put pressure

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Speaker 1: on your personal wellbeing no matter how healthy and stable

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Speaker 1: your relationship is. It will also make you feel lonely.

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Speaker 1: I think in most relationships, our partner is our primary

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Speaker 1: source of socialization and source of entertainment, and we spend

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Speaker 1: so much time with them, So evaluate the alternatives there

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Speaker 1: and do you have a support system available to you.

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Speaker 1: I think it's really helpful to have friends or family

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Speaker 1: or some other source of support who can provide you

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Speaker 1: with emotional and practical assistance during challenging times or when

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Speaker 1: that is not available from your partner. We are not

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Speaker 1: meant to be isolated solitary creatures. We are not meant

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Speaker 1: to be deprived of physical touch or deprived of emotional intimacy.

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Speaker 1: So even though there may be distance in your relationship,

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Speaker 1: you should still be getting those needs fulfilled elsewhere. Otherwise

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Speaker 1: I think it's not really worth considering whether long distance

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Speaker 1: is the right decision for you. It's just obviously not. Ultimately,

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Speaker 1: I do think the decision to pursue a long distance

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Speaker 1: relationship is highly individual. I can't give you all the

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Speaker 1: answers because it is highly personal. It requires a discussion

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Speaker 1: between you and your partner, introspection about your own needs,

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Speaker 1: and I guess a mutual understanding of the challenges involved.

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Speaker 1: But if you are both committed, you have the same goals,

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Speaker 1: you are willing to put in the effort, you have

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Speaker 1: worked through your attachment style, you have a strong foundation.

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Speaker 1: I do think that this arrangement can succeed. And all

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Speaker 1: of that in mind, I do just want to pose

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Speaker 1: some major questions that I think we need to answer

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Speaker 1: to determine whether this is right for you. So if

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Speaker 1: you're looking for like a guidebook or like some kind

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00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:09,040
Speaker 1: of massive sign like a yes no situation, answer these

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00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:12,120
Speaker 1: questions and I think that it will really illuminate your

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Speaker 1: decision for you. Firstly, in five years time, do you

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Speaker 1: see this person in your life? Can you imagine a

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Speaker 1: future together? If the answer is no, then maybe this

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Speaker 1: isn't right for you. Do your long term goals align

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Speaker 1: and if they don't, does that matter? What are your expectations?

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Speaker 1: Are those shared? Are you okay with not seeing this

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Speaker 1: person for more than two weeks in your daily life?

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Speaker 1: Would that be upsetting for you? If your partner doesn't

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Speaker 1: answer your text messages or your calls immediately, does that

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Speaker 1: leave you feeling anxious? And what is your approach and

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Speaker 1: strategy for jealousy? Am I prepared for hard times? What

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Speaker 1: am I going to do when this happens? How will

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Speaker 1: we manage conflict? I think all of these are really

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Speaker 1: valuable to answer both before and during the distance, and

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Speaker 1: make sure you're brutally honest with yourself and with each other.

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Speaker 1: You know, a study conducted in two thousand and one

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00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:21,320
Speaker 1: found that honesty is the main factor behind all of

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Speaker 1: those elements of trust, of communication, of reciprocity, of closeness.

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Speaker 1: So I think it's a good place to start being

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Speaker 1: honest whilst you're still close to each other, and then

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00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:36,480
Speaker 1: that honesty can move forward with your relationship as you

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Speaker 1: face distance. You know, that involves regular check ins and communication,

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Speaker 1: which I think is vital. But there are some other

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Speaker 1: strategies that we're going to discuss, along with some signs

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00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:51,399
Speaker 1: that maybe it is time to call time of death

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Speaker 1: on the relationship and call it quits. So all of

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00:25:55,440 --> 00:26:03,640
Speaker 1: that and more in just a second. We want our

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00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:07,320
Speaker 1: relationships to work, and we want to give them the

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00:26:07,359 --> 00:26:10,480
Speaker 1: best chance we can, especially when we feel like we

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00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:13,840
Speaker 1: found the right one. You know, that is really hard

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00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:15,800
Speaker 1: to do, let me tell you. So you want to

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00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:18,520
Speaker 1: hold on to that. And I think the distance doesn't

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00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:21,200
Speaker 1: have to mean the end of our relationship, especially when

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00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:26,119
Speaker 1: we go into it rationally and with shared expectations. But

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00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:31,000
Speaker 1: also some good strategies. So here are some very practical

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00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:34,639
Speaker 1: tips from my own experience, but also from friends and

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00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:38,280
Speaker 1: from some amazing therapists that I think are really useful.

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00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:42,200
Speaker 1: There's five and they are the most repeated themes for

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00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:46,280
Speaker 1: managing long distance. First of all, if this is you

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00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:49,520
Speaker 1: right now, you need to plan ahead, set a date

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00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:51,679
Speaker 1: for when you are going to see each other next.

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00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:56,800
Speaker 1: And I think that psychologically, time apart is made easier

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00:26:57,440 --> 00:26:59,240
Speaker 1: when it has an end date that you can look

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00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:04,000
Speaker 1: forward to. It allows us to view separation and these

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00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:08,000
Speaker 1: hard times as temporary. And there's even been research into

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00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:11,920
Speaker 1: this that suggested that perceiving negative events like doing long

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00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:17,200
Speaker 1: distance as time limited can actually lead to better psychological

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00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:20,720
Speaker 1: well being and coping. You know, our perception of time

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00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:24,320
Speaker 1: is influenced by the anticipation of an end date. When

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00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:27,440
Speaker 1: we set a timeframe, it can create a psychological time

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00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:31,440
Speaker 1: horizon effect, and it makes it appear like the time

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00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:35,600
Speaker 1: a part is moving faster. We feel more mentally prepared

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00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:39,800
Speaker 1: and feels like things are moving quicker, and provides more

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00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:42,440
Speaker 1: of a sense of control. So all of those amazing things.

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00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:46,200
Speaker 1: I think every time you see your partner, make sure

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00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:49,200
Speaker 1: that you have an end goal in sight and plan

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00:27:49,359 --> 00:27:52,679
Speaker 1: for the next time you'll see each other. Psychologically, it

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00:27:52,680 --> 00:27:56,639
Speaker 1: will literally help you manage that so much better. I

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00:27:56,640 --> 00:28:00,000
Speaker 1: think the second tip is around setting up date nights developed,

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00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:05,239
Speaker 1: being enjoyable rituals, and maintaining emotional intimacy. Often when we

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00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:09,040
Speaker 1: enter into a long distance dynamic, the first thing we

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00:28:09,119 --> 00:28:14,720
Speaker 1: sacrifice is of course, quality time and with that emotional intimacy.

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00:28:15,119 --> 00:28:18,080
Speaker 1: I think those things are very easy to cultivate when

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00:28:18,119 --> 00:28:21,199
Speaker 1: you are close and when you are conveniently close to

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00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:24,960
Speaker 1: a partner, But when there's distance, obviously that's less easy.

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00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:28,600
Speaker 1: So set aside dedicated time for virtual date nights and

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00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:32,800
Speaker 1: plan out activities that you can both enjoy together and

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00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:37,280
Speaker 1: kind of maintain excitement and novelty in the relationship. You know,

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00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:40,320
Speaker 1: novelty is important. You want to feel like you're still dating.

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00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:43,440
Speaker 1: When I was doing long distance, we used to do

435
00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:46,200
Speaker 1: these things called dinner dates, where we would both cook

436
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:49,280
Speaker 1: the same recipe together over zoom, we would buy the

437
00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:52,600
Speaker 1: same bottle of wine, and we would eat together over

438
00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:55,160
Speaker 1: like literal video, we would like sit down and have

439
00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:58,440
Speaker 1: dinner with each other through our laptops. Obviously not as

440
00:28:58,440 --> 00:29:00,800
Speaker 1: good as the real thing, but I guess yes. It

441
00:29:00,920 --> 00:29:03,800
Speaker 1: leads into my next strategy, which is to put effort

442
00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:07,360
Speaker 1: into those shared experiences. You don't need to give up

443
00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:11,960
Speaker 1: on joint interests and creating shared memories or sharing inactivities

444
00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:16,080
Speaker 1: together just because you're miles away. I think after COVID,

445
00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:19,400
Speaker 1: the world has evolved to be a lot more digital

446
00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:22,520
Speaker 1: and virtual, and that's to the benefit of people who

447
00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:25,080
Speaker 1: are doing a long distance You know, there are so

448
00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:28,240
Speaker 1: many things you can do together, like words with friends,

449
00:29:28,360 --> 00:29:32,080
Speaker 1: or you can play scrabble, or you can do I

450
00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:35,240
Speaker 1: don't know, video games. Do I sound like an idiot

451
00:29:35,280 --> 00:29:38,360
Speaker 1: saying that video games you can do those together online? Right?

452
00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:41,360
Speaker 1: I think so? Correct me if I'm wrong. But just

453
00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:44,640
Speaker 1: things like that, you know, watching movies using a shared

454
00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:48,320
Speaker 1: screening service, it feels like you're both in there together.

455
00:29:48,360 --> 00:29:50,840
Speaker 1: It feels like you're both doing something a ritual, an

456
00:29:50,880 --> 00:29:54,960
Speaker 1: activity that provides a sense of stability. It provides a

457
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:58,800
Speaker 1: sense of comfort and shared identity in the relationship. I've

458
00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:02,880
Speaker 1: already mentioned this, but of course check ins, regular check

459
00:30:02,880 --> 00:30:05,600
Speaker 1: ins once a month. Set up some time to ask

460
00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:10,240
Speaker 1: yourself and ask your partner difficult questions. What could each

461
00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:14,040
Speaker 1: of you be doing better? Is there something that you're missing,

462
00:30:14,960 --> 00:30:17,800
Speaker 1: What's been happening in your lives that maybe you haven't

463
00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:20,120
Speaker 1: spoken about. I think it all comes back to that

464
00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:26,360
Speaker 1: core factor for success, which is open communication and trust.

465
00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:30,360
Speaker 1: Those are your crucial ingredients here. And finally, my fifth

466
00:30:30,440 --> 00:30:34,520
Speaker 1: tip is kind of silly, but it's actually really useful.

467
00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:38,400
Speaker 1: That is to create a vision board or some physical

468
00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:42,960
Speaker 1: reminder of why you're doing this. A long distance is

469
00:30:43,120 --> 00:30:46,320
Speaker 1: a marathon, it's not a sprint, and it's kind of

470
00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:49,640
Speaker 1: like this joint long term goal you're pursuing together with

471
00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:53,760
Speaker 1: the aim of one day being reunited. When we treat

472
00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:58,240
Speaker 1: it like a mutual goal, this greatly helps our perception

473
00:30:58,560 --> 00:31:02,320
Speaker 1: of how achievable this will be, and we can use

474
00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:05,520
Speaker 1: visual cues to help us with this. When you're not

475
00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:08,440
Speaker 1: seeing each other every day, you can forget why you're

476
00:31:08,440 --> 00:31:12,080
Speaker 1: doing it, So create some vision board or physical reminder

477
00:31:12,680 --> 00:31:16,640
Speaker 1: of what the long term future holds. Maybe that's like

478
00:31:16,680 --> 00:31:21,080
Speaker 1: a dream life collaborative printerest board, or a picture of

479
00:31:21,080 --> 00:31:23,280
Speaker 1: where you're going to go on vacation next, or a

480
00:31:23,800 --> 00:31:28,959
Speaker 1: piece of their clothing, or a visual tangible item that

481
00:31:29,080 --> 00:31:32,280
Speaker 1: reminds you of them to keep them close and centered

482
00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:35,600
Speaker 1: on why you're doing this in the first place. That's

483
00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:39,440
Speaker 1: just a selection. Obviously, there are other notable tips, including

484
00:31:39,600 --> 00:31:45,280
Speaker 1: expressing affection regularly, practicing gratitude, whatever keeps you connected. However,

485
00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:50,120
Speaker 1: we're talking about a dilemma here. Sometimes you can be

486
00:31:50,240 --> 00:31:54,840
Speaker 1: doing all of these things and it's still not enough.

487
00:31:55,600 --> 00:31:59,240
Speaker 1: A big question I get is when do we know

488
00:31:59,320 --> 00:32:03,080
Speaker 1: it's time to end things? When is the distance just

489
00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:06,360
Speaker 1: too much? When is it no longer worth it? That's

490
00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:10,000
Speaker 1: a huge question, you know. I think sometimes it's not

491
00:32:10,040 --> 00:32:12,440
Speaker 1: always that immediate decision of do I break up with

492
00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:15,640
Speaker 1: them now or do I try long distance? What happens

493
00:32:15,640 --> 00:32:19,719
Speaker 1: when you've given it ago and it's just not working.

494
00:32:19,760 --> 00:32:21,920
Speaker 1: I think it's a really hard thing to say. But

495
00:32:22,880 --> 00:32:27,600
Speaker 1: once you're even having these thoughts or even contemplating ending things,

496
00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:30,920
Speaker 1: that is the biggest indicator that it may be time

497
00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:34,920
Speaker 1: to have some serious conversations. Because there is obviously some

498
00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:39,800
Speaker 1: deepest dissatisfaction there that you're beginning to recognize that's beginning

499
00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:43,360
Speaker 1: to bubble up. And coming to that realization can be

500
00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:46,560
Speaker 1: so difficult, and I think we often hold off on

501
00:32:46,720 --> 00:32:49,320
Speaker 1: doing that and doing what we know is right because

502
00:32:49,320 --> 00:32:52,840
Speaker 1: of a lot of factors, the first one being this

503
00:32:52,960 --> 00:32:56,840
Speaker 1: idea of the sunk cost fallacy. This is this idea

504
00:32:56,960 --> 00:33:01,720
Speaker 1: that we feel compelled to continue investing in a relationship

505
00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:05,960
Speaker 1: even when it no longer serves us, simply because you

506
00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:11,240
Speaker 1: have already invested significant time, effort, or emotions. So often

507
00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:14,360
Speaker 1: what happens is we believe, and we come to believe

508
00:33:14,400 --> 00:33:19,040
Speaker 1: this fallacy, this false narrative that ending the relationship would

509
00:33:19,120 --> 00:33:23,560
Speaker 1: mean wasting those past investments. It would mean that you

510
00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:26,880
Speaker 1: wasted your time, and we never want to see something

511
00:33:26,920 --> 00:33:30,320
Speaker 1: as a waste as humans, so we stay despite the

512
00:33:30,400 --> 00:33:34,479
Speaker 1: fact that we are unhappy. Every situation is unique, and

513
00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:36,920
Speaker 1: I will continue to repeat that because it's not a

514
00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:40,880
Speaker 1: one size fits all approach. But when the emotional connection

515
00:33:41,120 --> 00:33:45,720
Speaker 1: between you and your partner has significantly diminished, when you

516
00:33:45,760 --> 00:33:48,880
Speaker 1: can no longer communicate, when you are not excited to

517
00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:52,160
Speaker 1: hear from them, when they do not regularly reach out

518
00:33:52,600 --> 00:33:55,240
Speaker 1: when you dread the future, when you are frustrated, or

519
00:33:55,280 --> 00:33:58,040
Speaker 1: you have doubts when you can no longer picture them

520
00:33:58,600 --> 00:34:05,120
Speaker 1: in your future, or you're experiencing resentment, your relationship is

521
00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:07,960
Speaker 1: no longer fulfilling you. What is the point of being

522
00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:11,719
Speaker 1: in a relationship at this point? Obviously everything is going

523
00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:16,799
Speaker 1: to come with hard moments, But I think life is

524
00:34:16,920 --> 00:34:21,279
Speaker 1: really short, and our twenties are even shorter. Your relationships

525
00:34:21,280 --> 00:34:24,560
Speaker 1: are meant to build on already a strong foundation and

526
00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:27,319
Speaker 1: make you feel better. So do you really want to

527
00:34:27,360 --> 00:34:32,960
Speaker 1: spend this decade and this time unhappy or feeling anxious

528
00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:36,719
Speaker 1: or unsupported? Maybe this is the time for you to

529
00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:41,160
Speaker 1: be alone. I'm also a firm believer that you can

530
00:34:41,280 --> 00:34:43,960
Speaker 1: love someone twice and you can come back to each

531
00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:47,520
Speaker 1: other if the time and the circumstances are right. It

532
00:34:47,560 --> 00:34:51,359
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be goodbye forever. But if you are

533
00:34:51,680 --> 00:34:57,080
Speaker 1: persistently consistently unhappy and you feel like there is not

534
00:34:57,280 --> 00:35:01,040
Speaker 1: enough investment or effort from each of you you mutually

535
00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:04,480
Speaker 1: to push through, this may not be what's right for

536
00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:06,560
Speaker 1: you at this moment in time. So what do we

537
00:35:06,600 --> 00:35:09,800
Speaker 1: do next? You know, no one likes to be broken

538
00:35:09,920 --> 00:35:12,840
Speaker 1: up with over the phone. So how do you navigate

539
00:35:12,880 --> 00:35:15,760
Speaker 1: bringing this up when you're maybe not in the same city,

540
00:35:15,880 --> 00:35:19,359
Speaker 1: or the same state, or even the same country. It's

541
00:35:19,400 --> 00:35:23,280
Speaker 1: a sensitive conversation to be having, but I think flag

542
00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:26,560
Speaker 1: your thoughts and feelings in advance before you plan to

543
00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:29,000
Speaker 1: see each other next, so that no one is blindsided.

544
00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:32,839
Speaker 1: It may I think also provide you with an opportunity

545
00:35:33,320 --> 00:35:36,239
Speaker 1: and the time to work on things in the meantime,

546
00:35:36,480 --> 00:35:40,360
Speaker 1: you know, and if that isn't fruitful and the challenges

547
00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:43,880
Speaker 1: are still there, make sure you prepare them for the

548
00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:46,440
Speaker 1: fact that you want to have a difficult conversation. And

549
00:35:46,480 --> 00:35:49,560
Speaker 1: I would say, if possible, do it in person. I

550
00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:53,200
Speaker 1: know that's really difficult, or over video something that feels

551
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:58,319
Speaker 1: more personal. To honor your relationship and to respect the

552
00:35:58,360 --> 00:36:00,319
Speaker 1: other person, I guess what I'm trying to say say

553
00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:02,600
Speaker 1: is that it shouldn't come as a surprise, be honest,

554
00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:06,920
Speaker 1: be clear, allow for emotional expression from both of you,

555
00:36:07,560 --> 00:36:12,640
Speaker 1: and of course set those breakup boundaries. And you know,

556
00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:16,200
Speaker 1: sometimes after we've ripped the band aid of we realize

557
00:36:16,239 --> 00:36:19,000
Speaker 1: that we've kind of been checked out for some time.

558
00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:22,600
Speaker 1: And I think that although all breakups are hard, you've

559
00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:26,560
Speaker 1: kind of already gone through the process of creating distance,

560
00:36:26,680 --> 00:36:29,600
Speaker 1: and sometimes it's easy to heal when you know that

561
00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:31,440
Speaker 1: you're not going to have to run into them on

562
00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:34,040
Speaker 1: the street or at your local cafe. You know, small

563
00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:38,359
Speaker 1: consolation here are small consolation prize. But the distance may

564
00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:40,640
Speaker 1: actually work in your favor here, if you would like

565
00:36:40,719 --> 00:36:42,680
Speaker 1: to see it that way, if you'd like to make

566
00:36:42,719 --> 00:36:46,800
Speaker 1: that part of your perspective. Every relationship is so nuanced

567
00:36:47,320 --> 00:36:49,640
Speaker 1: and unique, So I would take this advice with the

568
00:36:49,680 --> 00:36:52,040
Speaker 1: grain of salt and reflect on what's right for you.

569
00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:55,440
Speaker 1: I'm not someone who tells everyone to go out there

570
00:36:55,600 --> 00:36:58,280
Speaker 1: and break up with their partners just because they're slightly unhappy.

571
00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:02,399
Speaker 1: I think that it's about really examining whether the relationship

572
00:37:02,440 --> 00:37:06,040
Speaker 1: is actually evolving with you, or whether you are changing

573
00:37:06,080 --> 00:37:09,720
Speaker 1: for the relationship and changing for another person, or feeling

574
00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:12,279
Speaker 1: like you have to give up on your dreams to

575
00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:16,120
Speaker 1: maintain something that's never the way that we want to

576
00:37:16,239 --> 00:37:19,239
Speaker 1: be behaving in our twenties or at any stage in

577
00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:22,400
Speaker 1: our lives. But we also can't deny that distance is

578
00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:25,800
Speaker 1: going to be hard, have some self compassion. We obviously

579
00:37:25,840 --> 00:37:27,479
Speaker 1: want to be close to the ones that we love

580
00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:31,759
Speaker 1: for many psychological and physical reasons. So you're going to

581
00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:36,120
Speaker 1: struggle regardless, But it doesn't mean a death sentence for

582
00:37:36,200 --> 00:37:39,520
Speaker 1: your relationship. When there is an angle in sight, when

583
00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:42,640
Speaker 1: you have those clear timelines, when you treat it like

584
00:37:42,680 --> 00:37:47,840
Speaker 1: a shared goal, I really think that it can be

585
00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:51,080
Speaker 1: worth it and you can work on it. If your

586
00:37:51,120 --> 00:37:53,799
Speaker 1: bond is worth it, if this person really is the one.

587
00:37:54,680 --> 00:37:56,920
Speaker 1: No relationship is ever going to be easy. I'm just

588
00:37:56,960 --> 00:37:58,640
Speaker 1: going to say that one final time. I know I

589
00:37:58,760 --> 00:38:01,520
Speaker 1: sound like a broken record, but it can be distanced.

590
00:38:01,560 --> 00:38:04,000
Speaker 1: It can be you know, you can still feel distanced

591
00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:06,560
Speaker 1: when someone is sitting right next to you, and you

592
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:10,560
Speaker 1: can still be full of jealousy when you guys live together.

593
00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:14,400
Speaker 1: You can still feel like you're not communicating when you

594
00:38:14,440 --> 00:38:16,279
Speaker 1: are around each other all the time. Right it's just

595
00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:20,080
Speaker 1: about realizing that that is possibly going to be exacerbated

596
00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:23,600
Speaker 1: and having the strategies and the forward thinking to plan

597
00:38:23,719 --> 00:38:26,480
Speaker 1: for that. What a jam packed episode. I feel like

598
00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:29,640
Speaker 1: long distance is such a dilemma. So if you are

599
00:38:30,120 --> 00:38:33,719
Speaker 1: in a long distance relationship right now, or you're contemplating it,

600
00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:36,520
Speaker 1: you're contemplating the freedoms that you might have to give up.

601
00:38:36,520 --> 00:38:39,000
Speaker 1: The choices you might have to make. I hope this

602
00:38:39,080 --> 00:38:42,400
Speaker 1: has helped you out. You know, I've been there, done that,

603
00:38:42,600 --> 00:38:46,240
Speaker 1: got the T shirt. It wasn't fun, but there's really

604
00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:49,480
Speaker 1: something to be said with being able to see your

605
00:38:49,480 --> 00:38:52,919
Speaker 1: partner after six months apart. It does make the heart

606
00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:56,080
Speaker 1: grow fonder, they will say that. So I really hope

607
00:38:56,080 --> 00:38:59,200
Speaker 1: that you enjoyed this episode, that you learnt something, that

608
00:38:59,239 --> 00:39:02,239
Speaker 1: it provided you with practical guidance, or just something to

609
00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:06,160
Speaker 1: think about. As always, if you did enjoy this episode,

610
00:39:06,200 --> 00:39:09,279
Speaker 1: please feel free to leave a five star review on

611
00:39:09,400 --> 00:39:13,600
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now. It

612
00:39:13,680 --> 00:39:16,880
Speaker 1: really helps the show to grow and meet new people.

613
00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:20,640
Speaker 1: Maybe there is someone in your life who needs to

614
00:39:20,680 --> 00:39:23,080
Speaker 1: hear this. You should send it to them. I'm sure

615
00:39:23,080 --> 00:39:26,920
Speaker 1: they would appreciate it. And I will say, this topic

616
00:39:27,160 --> 00:39:29,200
Speaker 1: wouldn't have been done. I wouldn't have thought to do

617
00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:33,440
Speaker 1: it without suggestions from people over on Instagram. I am

618
00:39:33,520 --> 00:39:36,600
Speaker 1: always looking for new topics to cover, new ideas, new

619
00:39:36,640 --> 00:39:41,160
Speaker 1: things that are being experienced by our generations. So follow

620
00:39:41,200 --> 00:39:43,920
Speaker 1: me over there at that Psychology podcast if you have

621
00:39:43,960 --> 00:39:47,040
Speaker 1: an idea or something that you would like me to

622
00:39:47,160 --> 00:39:51,279
Speaker 1: explore further. As always, thanks for tagging along, thanks for

623
00:39:51,440 --> 00:39:57,120
Speaker 1: joining in. I will be back next week with another episode.