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Speaker 1: OK, this podcast has mature content and language that may

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Speaker 1: not be appropriate for all audiences. Listener discretion is advised.

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Speaker 1: Episode six but perfect ending. There's this thing that's happened

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Speaker 1: to me a few times in my life, the shift

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Speaker 1: when happiness is easier to come by, Like it's not

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Speaker 1: that much of a struggle to wake up and feel happy.

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Speaker 1: It's when I'm being seen, when I'm fully welcomed, when

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Speaker 1: I'm deeply comfortable, And of course I get attached to

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Speaker 1: that feeling. Who wouldn't I would do anything to try

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Speaker 1: and make that happiness last forever. But what if it's

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Speaker 1: not in my control. I am Emmy and this is Crumbs,

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Speaker 1: my love story. It's a show about the things we

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Speaker 1: settle for and the bits of ourselves that make us

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Speaker 1: who we are. Aftermarks, I was pretty much taking a

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Speaker 1: break from all dating Emmy thirty, working on myself. Actually,

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Speaker 1: I need to tell you something this whole time, and

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Speaker 1: for my whole dating career as Emmy, I've been lying

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Speaker 1: about my age, shaving off a couple of years here

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Speaker 1: and there. I think it's because my sex and dating

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Speaker 1: life as Emmy started late, and I wanted to have

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Speaker 1: a shot at young love pretend that hadn't spent so

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Speaker 1: many years through my twenties confused and searching so hard

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Speaker 1: to find myself. So my age is a lie, but

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Speaker 1: I'm working on it. I had just achieved ten years

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Speaker 1: of sobriety, and I felt like there was something missing.

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Speaker 1: I felt a huge void within me. I felt like

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Speaker 1: I should be really happy that I just achieved tenure

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Speaker 1: of sobriety, but I wasn't. And you know, I had

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Speaker 1: been dating like crazy, trying to fill this void with

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Speaker 1: someone else. And then somebody asked me, what does your

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Speaker 1: spiritual life look like? You know, when I first got

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Speaker 1: sober and I heard about the spirituality component of the program,

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Speaker 1: I was a little bit turned off and kind of

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Speaker 1: like hesitant because again, I grew up Catholic, and I

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Speaker 1: didn't really want to live the Catholic life right because

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Speaker 1: I was taught in like if you're like, I was

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Speaker 1: taught to be scared of God and I was taught

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Speaker 1: that I was going to go to hell for being

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Speaker 1: who I am. So I wanted none of that. Somebody

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Speaker 1: put it to me so simple, they said, you know what,

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Speaker 1: you just have to believe that there's a higher power,

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Speaker 1: and it's not you. I wanted to higher power that

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Speaker 1: was going to love and just accept me for who

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Speaker 1: I am, with no judgment, with no fear. Someone once said,

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Speaker 1: you know those waves, crashing waves in the ocean, can

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Speaker 1: you stop them? And I was like no. So there

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Speaker 1: was like my first tangible example of something more powerful

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Speaker 1: than me. So I get in my car and drive

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Speaker 1: to the ocean and I was meditating and just having

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Speaker 1: conversations with the ocean pretty much about my obsession with relationships,

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Speaker 1: with dating, with money, you know, shiny objects. I really started,

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Speaker 1: you know, having conversations and kind of surrendering those thoughts,

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Speaker 1: and with time, I felt like the ocean was kind

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Speaker 1: of absorbing all of those things that I was focusing on.

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Speaker 1: I stopped constantly thinking about the dating apps, the hookups,

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Speaker 1: just all that noise outside. I just wanted to work

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Speaker 1: on Emmy. But I still had Instagram and that's where

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Speaker 1: I got the friend requests from this guy named Dylan

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Speaker 1: who was also posting about talk Step program. I didn't

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Speaker 1: think anything of it. I mean, the kid looked so

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Speaker 1: young I was. I didn't really think that this was

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Speaker 1: someone that I would be into. And you know how

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Speaker 1: it goes on social media, you start liking pictures and forth,

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Speaker 1: and then you start liking their stories or whatever. I

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Speaker 1: wasn't looking for a relationship at the time, so I

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Speaker 1: didn't even go there in my mind. But we started damning,

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Speaker 1: and I learned that Dylan was a year and a

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Speaker 1: half sober. He had just gone out of a treatment center,

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Speaker 1: living on his own, he had a job, he went

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Speaker 1: to meetings, and he just looked very pure right. He

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Speaker 1: had this innocence about him that was so endearing. Dylan

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Speaker 1: was a skinny, tall white boy. He is from the South.

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Speaker 1: He had a green eyes, dark blonde hair, and very

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Speaker 1: clear skin. And then the day came when Dylan asked

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Speaker 1: me if I'd like to hang out with him. I

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Speaker 1: was a little confused use that first, because you know,

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Speaker 1: here I am taking time off from dating and not

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Speaker 1: really wanting to be in the relationship so that I

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Speaker 1: could work on myself and go through the you know,

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Speaker 1: the conflicting thoughts in my head. I do I want

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Speaker 1: to hang out with this kid? Do I not? Do

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Speaker 1: I want to put energy into this. But I had

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Speaker 1: a conversation with him about me being trans which I

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Speaker 1: finally figured out how to talk about with potential partners

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Speaker 1: without feeling super anxious about it, and I agreed to

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Speaker 1: hang out with him. We made a plan to watch

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Speaker 1: a movie, get something to eat, and he came over

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Speaker 1: and he was just so nice. He's seen me in

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Speaker 1: person at meetings or at events that I would go too,

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Speaker 1: but had never really mustered the courage to talk to me.

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Speaker 1: So then the following day, Dylan wanted to hang out again,

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Speaker 1: make plans to hang out again, and we made plans

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Speaker 1: to go on a date, and he wanted to take

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Speaker 1: me to his favorite sushi spot, and I was like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I guess I'm back in the dating game. The fact

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Speaker 1: that he texted me the next day wanting to hang

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Speaker 1: out again, it wasn't like something that I was super

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Speaker 1: used to with my other casual dating experiences. Remember Max

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Speaker 1: had totally just fucked with me. So we went on

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Speaker 1: the sushi date, which was terrible sushi by the way, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I remember, I even got sick from it. However, the

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Speaker 1: company and the conversation was so good that that didn't matter.

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Speaker 1: And I remember a week and a half had gone

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Speaker 1: by of us like hanging out and I get a

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Speaker 1: phone call from him and he says, I just you

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Speaker 1: to know I'm not a fun boy, and I really

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Speaker 1: want to date you. And I'm like, okay, hold up,

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Speaker 1: this is too soon. We just met. And I pushed

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Speaker 1: back a bit. I'm like, I don't think you mean

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Speaker 1: what you're saying because you just met me. You don't

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Speaker 1: know very much about me. And he said no, but

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Speaker 1: I want to m and then this turned into date

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Speaker 1: after date, him spending the night, me spending the night

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Speaker 1: at his place, and it just evolved so quickly. And

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Speaker 1: then one morning we were in my apartment. He woke up,

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Speaker 1: turned over, looked at me in the eyes and said

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Speaker 1: I love you. Mm hm. And it just seemed like

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Speaker 1: such a pure expression coming from him. It felt sincere,

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Speaker 1: It felt genuine. This felt like a really strong connection

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Speaker 1: because he had this carrying and nurturing way about him.

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Speaker 1: I could tell he had a good heart. But I

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Speaker 1: didn't say it back. I wasn't ready, but it did

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Speaker 1: feel like maybe I could say it back. I did

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Speaker 1: feel a connection. I just didn't want to make the

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Speaker 1: same mistakes, dive into fast and get swept away. Dylan

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Speaker 1: used to call me his queen, and his actions made

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Speaker 1: me feel like a queen because he was so attentive.

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Speaker 1: He would go out of his way to just show

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Speaker 1: me affection in a way that nobody ever had. You know,

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Speaker 1: He'd stared into my eyes, he'd caressed my face, he'd

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Speaker 1: play with my hair. He really put the effort into

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Speaker 1: knowing what made emmy happy. We started traveling. We would

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Speaker 1: go to conferences like Top Step conferences. We go to

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Speaker 1: events together. Then we got a dog together, and he

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Speaker 1: started spending more time at my place and that his

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Speaker 1: just to have that experience of getting adopting a dog together,

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Speaker 1: it was beautiful. I found myself falling in love with

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Speaker 1: this guy. I knew dealing was from the South, so

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Speaker 1: that was kind of a That was kind of nerve

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Speaker 1: wracking for me because I just know how Southern families

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Speaker 1: values could be right a little bit on the conservative side.

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Speaker 1: And he would tell me, oh, I want to take

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Speaker 1: you to South Carolina, or I want you to meet

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Speaker 1: my family. I want you to meet my brother. There's

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Speaker 1: I want you to meet my mom. And that made

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Speaker 1: me feel very nervous because gosh, how was that going

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Speaker 1: to go. I definitely expressed this concern with him. He's like, Oh,

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Speaker 1: they're going to love you, don't worry about that. And

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Speaker 1: then one night, he told me, hey, look, I'm going

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Speaker 1: to take a family vacation and my mom knows that

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Speaker 1: I'm dating you. She said, you're welcome to come with us.

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Speaker 1: We're going to Europe. And I freaked out because, oh shit,

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Speaker 1: what is this family going to think of me? What's

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Speaker 1: going to be the reaction when they find out that

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Speaker 1: Emmy is a trans woman? And I expressed that concern

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Speaker 1: to him, and when I told him what I was feeling,

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Speaker 1: he said, hold on, and he picked up the phone

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Speaker 1: and he called his mom and he's like, hey, Mom,

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Speaker 1: how are you blah blah blah, you know, small talk,

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Speaker 1: and then I heard him say, yeah, Emmy would like

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Speaker 1: to come with us, but there's something that I want

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Speaker 1: to tell you. Emmy is a trans woman and I

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Speaker 1: love her, and my heart just sank. I was scared.

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Speaker 1: I was nervous. Was this going to tear our relationships?

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Speaker 1: I had to keep that a secret from my boyfriend's parents,

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Speaker 1: rise I wasn't going to be accepted. And then he

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Speaker 1: hung up the phone and he said it's all good,

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, what does that mean? And then my

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Speaker 1: phone rings and it's his mom. He said, answer, and

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Speaker 1: I started freaking out. I'm like, oh my god, Oh

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Speaker 1: my god, what am I going to do? So I

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Speaker 1: answered him like hello, and I heard this woman's voice

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Speaker 1: with a Southern accent, and she said, Honey, I just

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Speaker 1: want you to know that what you are doesn't matter

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Speaker 1: to me. What matters to me is that you love

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Speaker 1: my son and you treat him right. And I'm so

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Speaker 1: looking forward to you coming with us to Europe. And

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Speaker 1: I felt like I've never felt before, seen loved, accepted

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Speaker 1: what Dylan had done. It was something that no one

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Speaker 1: ever had. Dylan really presented me as I was, no hiding,

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Speaker 1: no shame, just love that phone call. Those amazing months,

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Speaker 1: they were just filled with joy. And as amazing as

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Speaker 1: it was to feel safe and loved and taking care

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Speaker 1: of it was also scary because this wasn't the first

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Speaker 1: time that I felt this way, and I knew that

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Speaker 1: this feeling it doesn't always last. When I was six,

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Speaker 1: I had felt just like that. It was a time

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Speaker 1: before pain. I was living with my grandmother, my mom's mother, Mommyda.

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Speaker 1: My grandmother had stepped in as a maternal figure in

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Speaker 1: my life. She gave me love, acceptance, She was encouraging,

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Speaker 1: she spoiled me. My mom had been in and out

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Speaker 1: of jail, of detoxes, freehabs, so I'm almost always coming

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Speaker 1: in and out of my life. I mean, I knew

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Speaker 1: she was my mom, and I had some sort of

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Speaker 1: relationship with her, but I kind of always saw her

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Speaker 1: like an older sister because my grandm other was you know,

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Speaker 1: I called her mommy mommy. She always said that I

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Speaker 1: was the light of her eyes, and I always felt

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Speaker 1: very accepted and not judged by her. I remember music

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Speaker 1: being such an important part of our life. The record

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Speaker 1: player was in the dining room. It was on this big,

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Speaker 1: long console, and I remember just the records were stacked

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Speaker 1: next to each other, and she'd take out a record

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Speaker 1: and you know, on the cover of the record was

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Speaker 1: the beautiful face, and we'd seen, she'd seeing, I'd sing.

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Speaker 1: I was allowed to dance however I wanted. I don't

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Speaker 1: think I knew what dancing was or that there was

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Speaker 1: for nation with it. I just moved. I listened to

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Speaker 1: the music, and I just moved however I wanted, and

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Speaker 1: I was allowed to. My grandmother and my aunt would

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Speaker 1: always dress me kind of like an adult. I'd wear

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Speaker 1: button down shirts, short sleeve tucked in. They wanted me

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Speaker 1: to be super elegant. Even at that age, I didn't

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Speaker 1: mind it. I just remember Mimilica always being dressed up.

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Speaker 1: She loved being dressed up. I remember she'd wake up

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Speaker 1: in the morning and started putting together her outfits. She'd

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Speaker 1: put her lipstick on. She loved wearing poop earrings. She

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Speaker 1: had a big hair. She used to get it done

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Speaker 1: so she had this really nice golden updu she had

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Speaker 1: golden hair. She just looks so elegant. I knew that

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Speaker 1: my Modi Chat would attend business meetings right She'd beat

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Speaker 1: on and I'd stay at the house. But sometimes she

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Speaker 1: invited me to come with her if I wanted to go,

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Speaker 1: and she kind of hesitated to take me with her

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Speaker 1: because they were long drives, so she said, okay, if

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Speaker 1: you want to go with me, let's go. My grandmother

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Speaker 1: loved her car. She had a Chevy Caprice Classic Longhood.

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Speaker 1: It looks very elegant. It had a chrome accents, this big, boxy,

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Speaker 1: shiny brown car. I jumped into the passenger side, put

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Speaker 1: my seatbelt on. Sometimes we drive for a few hours

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Speaker 1: and I would get so impatient, but she would say,

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Speaker 1: if you're a good boy, wat take you to McDonald's

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Speaker 1: after we're done. That was her way of rewarding me.

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Speaker 1: She turned onto music and you drive m I remember

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Speaker 1: our drives being so long, and the scenery was just

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Speaker 1: kind of boring. There wasn't a lot to look at.

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Speaker 1: It was kind of an isolated area that we would

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Speaker 1: drive into. He basically pulled into another house in the

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Speaker 1: middle of nowhere, and there were other cars around the house.

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Speaker 1: She had knocked on the door, we'd go inside. I'd

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Speaker 1: sit in the living room and she'd tell me to wait.

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Speaker 1: She'd go into a room with a few people, and

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Speaker 1: I'd stay outside, kind of in a waiting area, playing

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Speaker 1: with my toys, whatever toy I took with me. And

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Speaker 1: then it seemed like an eternity, like she was gone forever.

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Speaker 1: But then she'd come out and the men followed behind her,

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Speaker 1: and they'd asked me, how are you doing? Were you

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Speaker 1: a good boy? And then one of the men would

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Speaker 1: pull out his wallet and a hading me a bill,

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Speaker 1: whether it be a dollar bill or a five dollar bill,

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Speaker 1: and he'd said, here you go for being a good boy.

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Speaker 1: The men that would have greet my grandmother were always

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Speaker 1: very kind. There was a strong respect there in the

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Speaker 1: way they interacted with each other. And I've seen these

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Speaker 1: people before, they'd come down to our party. Sometimes they

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00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:28,080
Speaker 1: weren't complete strangers to me. I don't know that I

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Speaker 1: ever put thought into wondering what she was doing, or

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Speaker 1: if I was too involved in my toys. But yeah,

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Speaker 1: I don't think I had any idea of what those

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Speaker 1: business meetings were. I just lived in this blissful ignorance.

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00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,040
Speaker 1: Dylan and I had just added to move in together

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Speaker 1: about a year after we started dating. It was one

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Speaker 1: of those situations where it just made more sense to

264
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Speaker 1: just have one apartment. You're spending all your time together anyway,

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Speaker 1: and by this time we had two dogs and not

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Speaker 1: enough space. This was a huge deal because it's something

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Speaker 1: that I've always wanted, right, I always wanted to be

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Speaker 1: the perfect housewife. So we started looking for apartments, and

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Speaker 1: he wanted to live somewhere where he could be closer

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Speaker 1: to work, and at this point I was working from home,

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Speaker 1: so I was open to moving anywhere with him, and

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Speaker 1: we found this amazing apartment closer to his work that

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Speaker 1: we just fell in love with. We started furnishing it together.

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Speaker 1: We celebrated our anniversary. He took me out to this

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Speaker 1: really nice dinner. Because I always wanted to fulfill this

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Speaker 1: role of the housewife. I would cook for him, pack

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Speaker 1: him lunch, to his laundry. I was so happy to

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Speaker 1: do those things for him. I'm happy. I think he's happy.

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Speaker 1: And then his workships started becoming longer. He worked kind

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Speaker 1: of a swing shift, so he'd leave here around two

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Speaker 1: pm and get back around midnight. But then he started

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Speaker 1: coming home at two am or three am, and so

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Speaker 1: I was a bit confused at first because I said,

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Speaker 1: I thought, you know, living closer to work, you were

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00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:43,080
Speaker 1: going to be home sooner. He's like, oh, yeah, I'm

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00:21:43,119 --> 00:21:44,880
Speaker 1: so sorry. You know, we've been really busy and there's

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00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:48,240
Speaker 1: been overtime, and I don't know. I kind of felt

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00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:50,840
Speaker 1: like maybe something was off. But I kind of quieted

289
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:54,080
Speaker 1: those thoughts, those negative thoughts that we get. I'm like,

290
00:21:54,119 --> 00:21:56,720
Speaker 1: I'm not going to obsess over something that's probably not real,

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00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:02,240
Speaker 1: because Dylan would never. Dylan would never. I kept telling

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Speaker 1: myself that one Sunday, we had a normal day, just

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00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:13,560
Speaker 1: like any other. We ran errands, we went to the meeting,

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Speaker 1: we walked dogs, and then after dinner it came time

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Speaker 1: to watch TV. He was pretty adamant about us starring

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Speaker 1: type of show he wanted to watch, and I was like,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to watch that. Can you please watch

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Speaker 1: something we both enjoy? And that kind of turned into

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Speaker 1: an argument. Finally, you know, he went upstairs and watched

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Speaker 1: his show and I stayed downstairs watched my show in

301
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:39,520
Speaker 1: the bedroom, and then he came downstairs a few hours

302
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:42,080
Speaker 1: later and he gave me a kiss on the cheek

303
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Speaker 1: and he's like, I love you. And he kept kissing

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Speaker 1: me a bunch of little kisses on my mouth, on

305
00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:52,159
Speaker 1: my cheeks, and he just said I love you, I

306
00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:55,280
Speaker 1: love you. And I was like, you know, kind of

307
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:59,239
Speaker 1: petty when I said, do you really we can't even

308
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:04,120
Speaker 1: agree on a show? Mhm? And honestly, I was just kidding.

309
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:08,560
Speaker 1: I wasn't being serious. But then his face kind of

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00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:14,520
Speaker 1: changed and I was like, what's wrong? And he just

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00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:18,840
Speaker 1: stood there in silence, and I was like, oh, Ship,

312
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:22,960
Speaker 1: something's wrong. And he looked at me and he said,

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Speaker 1: you're right, I don't love you anymore. And my heart

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00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:34,080
Speaker 1: just sank and in my mind I'm like, oh shit,

315
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:40,160
Speaker 1: oh shit, oh Ship, what do I do? Let said

316
00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:46,000
Speaker 1: sit down, let's talk about this. He sat down, and

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Speaker 1: I told him, look, Dylan, I would never force you

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Speaker 1: to stay in a relationship that you're not happy. And

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00:23:54,800 --> 00:24:03,119
Speaker 1: if you're not happy with me, that's okay. I'm dying inside.

320
00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:07,120
Speaker 1: My heart shuttered in a million pieces, but I want

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00:24:07,119 --> 00:24:12,520
Speaker 1: to have a clean end with him. And if he

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00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:14,680
Speaker 1: doesn't love me, like, what's the point of keeping somebody

323
00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:16,560
Speaker 1: around who doesn't love you if they're just gonna end

324
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:23,840
Speaker 1: up resenting you? That's what I thought. You know, we

325
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:27,439
Speaker 1: had just signed a lease together on an apartment, but

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00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,400
Speaker 1: I was trying to keep my cool and I didn't

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00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:32,639
Speaker 1: want to attack him or make him feel bad. I

328
00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:36,520
Speaker 1: was trying to be supportive. I guess the word is

329
00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:42,960
Speaker 1: even though it was like so much pain inside, even

330
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:45,000
Speaker 1: though he had just ripped the rug out from under me,

331
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:48,720
Speaker 1: I still wanted to be his support I felt he

332
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:53,639
Speaker 1: deserved it. I thought he was worthy of it, and

333
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:55,280
Speaker 1: you know, I guess I didn't really stop and think

334
00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:59,000
Speaker 1: about what I deserved. And then he just closed his

335
00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:03,320
Speaker 1: eyes m and tears just started flowing down his face.

336
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:10,480
Speaker 1: And I knew that told me that there was someone else,

337
00:25:14,119 --> 00:25:19,360
Speaker 1: So I asked him, is there someone else? And he

338
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,600
Speaker 1: can't stop crying, and I could tell that he's in pain,

339
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:30,760
Speaker 1: and all he muttered was like, it's nothing serious. Well,

340
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:37,639
Speaker 1: it was serious to me. Who is it? I asked.

341
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:41,119
Speaker 1: I demanded that he tell me. He said, why does

342
00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:44,320
Speaker 1: it matter. It's not going to make things better. I said,

343
00:25:44,359 --> 00:25:49,520
Speaker 1: you better fucking tell me who it is. That support

344
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:53,600
Speaker 1: that I had for him just seconds before? What's gone? Right?

345
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:59,520
Speaker 1: It turned into anger because I was betrayed. He betrayed

346
00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:04,840
Speaker 1: my us. He responded, it's just someone from work that

347
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:10,080
Speaker 1: I've been hooking up with. And then it made sense

348
00:26:10,119 --> 00:26:12,560
Speaker 1: to me right him coming home at two or three

349
00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:15,560
Speaker 1: o'clock in the morning, him saying that he had to

350
00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:20,719
Speaker 1: work on weekends. He went upstairs and he said, I'm

351
00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:24,960
Speaker 1: gonna give you some space, and I said, no, you

352
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:27,840
Speaker 1: need to get out. I can't be under the same

353
00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:34,160
Speaker 1: roof with you. Knowing this, he grabbed his phone charger,

354
00:26:35,119 --> 00:26:44,800
Speaker 1: his car keys, and he walked out. What happened? This

355
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:49,720
Speaker 1: reality that I was living wasn't real. I was betrayed.

356
00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:54,600
Speaker 1: This relationship that I had put so much effort into

357
00:26:54,640 --> 00:27:05,160
Speaker 1: being the perfect partner was a sham. M A few

358
00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:08,200
Speaker 1: weeks passed by, and then Dylan reached out to me

359
00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:14,439
Speaker 1: and he had another confession. He wasn't sober. He hadn't

360
00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:20,040
Speaker 1: been sober. He had been using behind my back before

361
00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:26,320
Speaker 1: our breakup. I asked him to come by, and he did.

362
00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:31,480
Speaker 1: He stopped by and he looked terrible. He was skinnier

363
00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:36,160
Speaker 1: than ever. He looked like he hadn't slept. And I said,

364
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:38,720
Speaker 1: what do you want to do and he's like, well,

365
00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:43,120
Speaker 1: I'm going to drive to South Carolina. I was like, well,

366
00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:46,159
Speaker 1: that's insane because you haven't slept. I said, do you

367
00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:47,560
Speaker 1: want to stay out there or do you want to

368
00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:53,240
Speaker 1: get sober again? And he said, I don't know. After

369
00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:57,360
Speaker 1: talking and talking and talking, I finally convinced him that

370
00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:02,119
Speaker 1: treatment was the best possible option. OK. I called his friend,

371
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:08,040
Speaker 1: I called one of his mentors, I spoke to his mom,

372
00:28:08,080 --> 00:28:11,440
Speaker 1: and somehow we all got him to go into treatment again.

373
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:16,840
Speaker 1: I don't know if necessarily it was like a way

374
00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:19,639
Speaker 1: to prove my love to him. I just knew that

375
00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:23,439
Speaker 1: I loved him and that I didn't want him to die.

376
00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:26,159
Speaker 1: He was only supposed to go to treatment for a

377
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:27,880
Speaker 1: few months, and then when he was going to get out,

378
00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:35,399
Speaker 1: we would revisit. The situation. That turned into years. Really,

379
00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:41,680
Speaker 1: I didn't hear from him until about a year and

380
00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:47,040
Speaker 1: a half after he had left. So I had to

381
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:55,960
Speaker 1: continue with my life, but I never got closure, to

382
00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:59,520
Speaker 1: be completely honest, that was dreading recording this episode because

383
00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:06,080
Speaker 1: it's the most recent experience that I've had, and things

384
00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:08,200
Speaker 1: are probably not going to end up the way I

385
00:29:08,200 --> 00:29:11,360
Speaker 1: would like them to end up, you know, which I've accepted,

386
00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:17,040
Speaker 1: and I guess I realized that no matter how perfectly

387
00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:21,560
Speaker 1: I fit the part, didn't always mean that someone else

388
00:29:21,640 --> 00:29:26,040
Speaker 1: is going to treat me perfectly. You can't write the

389
00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:41,000
Speaker 1: happy ending by being perfect. The morning everything changed. I

390
00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:45,240
Speaker 1: remember that morning. My grandmother was not going to take

391
00:29:45,240 --> 00:29:49,240
Speaker 1: me to school. She had some work thing to tend to,

392
00:29:50,400 --> 00:29:55,320
Speaker 1: and she seemed a little preoccupied. We had a family

393
00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,640
Speaker 1: visiting from Texas that week, and I remember it was

394
00:29:58,680 --> 00:30:03,360
Speaker 1: a full house. My grandmother was there, two of my

395
00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:08,560
Speaker 1: aunts were there, the maid was there, two uncles that

396
00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:11,920
Speaker 1: were visiting from Texas were there, and then my mom

397
00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:16,120
Speaker 1: and Geico. My grandmother told me that one of the

398
00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:18,720
Speaker 1: uncles from Texas was going to drive me to school

399
00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:20,800
Speaker 1: because she couldn't that she would pick me up later.

400
00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:25,720
Speaker 1: I got ready for school and my uncle took me

401
00:30:25,760 --> 00:30:32,400
Speaker 1: to school in my grandmother's car. So we're driving to school,

402
00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:34,480
Speaker 1: which is not even very far from where we live.

403
00:30:35,400 --> 00:30:39,000
Speaker 1: It was probably about half a mile away, and we're

404
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:42,880
Speaker 1: getting close to the school entrance when all of a sudden,

405
00:30:43,240 --> 00:30:47,360
Speaker 1: this black car pulls up behind us and demands for

406
00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:53,480
Speaker 1: my uncle to stop. Immediately, the car was surrounded by agents,

407
00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:58,000
Speaker 1: like fifteen agents surrounding the car with their guns drawn.

408
00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:01,160
Speaker 1: One of them pools my uncle out of the car

409
00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:05,920
Speaker 1: and pats him down, and I'm just gripping my seat terrified.

410
00:31:08,120 --> 00:31:11,920
Speaker 1: Then another agent came and opened my door, brought me

411
00:31:11,960 --> 00:31:16,280
Speaker 1: down from the car, asked me my name, and said, here,

412
00:31:16,600 --> 00:31:20,840
Speaker 1: let's take you to school. I looked up and all

413
00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:23,120
Speaker 1: I could see was everyone who was standing in front

414
00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:26,960
Speaker 1: the school was just staring at us, because this happened

415
00:31:27,400 --> 00:31:31,320
Speaker 1: right at the entrance of my elementary school. I turned

416
00:31:31,320 --> 00:31:37,640
Speaker 1: around and I see that my uncle's being arrested. The

417
00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:41,600
Speaker 1: asient walked me into the school office, and the secretary

418
00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:46,959
Speaker 1: immediately took me into the principal's office, and then they

419
00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:50,720
Speaker 1: took me to class without saying anything else. The school

420
00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:54,640
Speaker 1: day went by so slowly it was like everything was

421
00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:59,680
Speaker 1: happening in slow motion. Spelling tests math class and kids

422
00:31:59,680 --> 00:32:06,280
Speaker 1: singing songs. I couldn't move all day. Before the school

423
00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:09,040
Speaker 1: day ended, they pulled me out of class and brought

424
00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:11,360
Speaker 1: me back into the office and said, you need to

425
00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:16,520
Speaker 1: wait here. Your grandmother's picking you up. And of course

426
00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:18,880
Speaker 1: I assumed it was my milch I was picking me up,

427
00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:27,160
Speaker 1: but to my surprise, it was my Nana, my dad's mom.

428
00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:33,560
Speaker 1: I felt like something was off. I remember going to

429
00:32:33,640 --> 00:32:39,000
Speaker 1: my nana's house and everyone was just so secretive. I

430
00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:42,719
Speaker 1: could hear them talking, mumbling, but I couldn't really make

431
00:32:42,760 --> 00:32:46,680
Speaker 1: out what they were saying, and everyone just seemed worried.

432
00:32:49,720 --> 00:32:54,080
Speaker 1: That night, it was explained to me then my Miles

433
00:32:54,160 --> 00:33:00,440
Speaker 1: I was in jail. I learned that night, that's seven

434
00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:05,840
Speaker 1: years old, that my queen, my hero, was probably going

435
00:33:05,880 --> 00:33:11,840
Speaker 1: to be put away for a very long time. The

436
00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:15,479
Speaker 1: very next day, the San Diego Union Tribune printed an

437
00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:20,080
Speaker 1: article four dred and seventy five pounds of alleged cocaine

438
00:33:20,080 --> 00:33:25,880
Speaker 1: sees that the Border six are arrested. They called Mymdica

439
00:33:26,320 --> 00:33:32,560
Speaker 1: the ringleader. The newspaper called it the largest cocaine seizure

440
00:33:32,880 --> 00:33:36,360
Speaker 1: at the point of entry in San with an estimated

441
00:33:36,400 --> 00:33:41,920
Speaker 1: street value of thirty million dollars. Oh my god, why

442
00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:49,480
Speaker 1: am I crying? I needed to shut on them. In

443
00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:55,160
Speaker 1: talking to my aunt, she explained to me that once

444
00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:58,560
Speaker 1: my Milicia knew that they were going to come and arrest,

445
00:33:58,600 --> 00:34:01,840
Speaker 1: her first thought was to come and get me from

446
00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:07,720
Speaker 1: school so we could leave and get away. She didn't

447
00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:13,759
Speaker 1: make it in time. Our family had been watched for

448
00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:19,400
Speaker 1: a very long time. This had been an ongoing investigation,

449
00:34:21,040 --> 00:34:26,759
Speaker 1: and they knew everyone's schedule. They knew exactly what our

450
00:34:26,840 --> 00:34:33,920
Speaker 1: daily routine was. She didn't really have a chance. This

451
00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:39,319
Speaker 1: is the day that my life changed completely. The stability

452
00:34:39,400 --> 00:34:44,080
Speaker 1: that I had, the structure that I knew, was taken

453
00:34:44,080 --> 00:34:48,160
Speaker 1: away in the blink of an eye. My Militia had

454
00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:50,400
Speaker 1: always been the protector of the family. She took care

455
00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:56,600
Speaker 1: of everyone, and she could no longer do that. This

456
00:34:56,680 --> 00:34:58,920
Speaker 1: is the day that I lost my Militia as my mother.

457
00:35:01,680 --> 00:35:05,640
Speaker 1: Everything that I knew that was warm and comforting was

458
00:35:05,680 --> 00:35:09,960
Speaker 1: suddenly taken away, and it kind of set me up

459
00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:15,239
Speaker 1: for the terrible things that happened to me after. I

460
00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:18,480
Speaker 1: had no idea of the things that I was going

461
00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:26,399
Speaker 1: to experience from this loss. I was living in a

462
00:35:26,400 --> 00:35:31,719
Speaker 1: really happy childhood and this reality that was presented to

463
00:35:31,760 --> 00:35:35,000
Speaker 1: me the next day was not the story I thought

464
00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:38,279
Speaker 1: I was living, and I felt that I had no

465
00:35:38,360 --> 00:35:41,520
Speaker 1: control and how the story of my life was going

466
00:35:41,600 --> 00:35:47,560
Speaker 1: to play out. This was the beginning of my sadness,

467
00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:52,200
Speaker 1: of a lot of suffering, the beginning of a story

468
00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:56,400
Speaker 1: that I never thought was going to be my story.

469
00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:01,960
Speaker 1: For a long time, I tried to be the person

470
00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:05,279
Speaker 1: who didn't have the suffering of what happened to me

471
00:36:05,360 --> 00:36:09,080
Speaker 1: on this day. I've tried to figure out what my

472
00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:11,000
Speaker 1: life would have been like if I would have had

473
00:36:11,040 --> 00:36:14,400
Speaker 1: a normal childhood, What I would have been like if

474
00:36:14,440 --> 00:36:18,440
Speaker 1: I would have had a normal childhood. I wanted to

475
00:36:18,440 --> 00:36:31,440
Speaker 1: be that person, but that's not me. I don't have

476
00:36:31,480 --> 00:36:34,160
Speaker 1: the perfect TV family, but we've come a long way.

477
00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:38,880
Speaker 1: I remember the day I visited Mammilicia as Emmy for

478
00:36:38,960 --> 00:36:42,239
Speaker 1: the first time, and when I walked into the door,

479
00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:45,200
Speaker 1: she got it from her table, gave me a hug

480
00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:49,560
Speaker 1: and told me I was beautiful, and my big crazy

481
00:36:49,640 --> 00:36:55,839
Speaker 1: family accepted me for who I am. I don't have

482
00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:59,480
Speaker 1: the perfect romantic love story, but I do have a

483
00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:04,319
Speaker 1: really important relationship that's new, and that's the relationship I

484
00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:08,200
Speaker 1: have with my mother, My mom has been clean for

485
00:37:08,239 --> 00:37:13,759
Speaker 1: about six years, and that's just a fucking miracle. I

486
00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:17,560
Speaker 1: get to have this relationship with her that I've always wanted.

487
00:37:18,680 --> 00:37:21,680
Speaker 1: Our Christmas is looks so different than that Christmas we

488
00:37:21,800 --> 00:37:26,000
Speaker 1: spent in that seedy motel. Today she makes sure that

489
00:37:26,040 --> 00:37:28,480
Speaker 1: we all get together on Christmas and make the modest

490
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:33,560
Speaker 1: as a family. That we were matching pajamas, that wants

491
00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:37,160
Speaker 1: her kids together on her birthday, that wants to celebrate

492
00:37:37,280 --> 00:37:47,239
Speaker 1: family unity, and I love that. For as long as

493
00:37:47,280 --> 00:37:52,120
Speaker 1: I can remember, I've been looking for love, looking for

494
00:37:52,160 --> 00:37:58,760
Speaker 1: that perfect partner, perfect family, perfect life. What I dreamed

495
00:37:58,800 --> 00:38:04,560
Speaker 1: of as a kid. But my story isn't perfect. Even

496
00:38:04,560 --> 00:38:07,040
Speaker 1: though I don't love everything that happened in my story,

497
00:38:08,120 --> 00:38:12,080
Speaker 1: I realized that I love my story. I love that

498
00:38:12,160 --> 00:38:16,080
Speaker 1: I got here, I love where I'm going, and I

499
00:38:16,160 --> 00:38:24,680
Speaker 1: love myself. I'm gonna stop searching for perfection, stop hiding myself,

500
00:38:25,840 --> 00:38:29,200
Speaker 1: stop pretending to be something I'm not, but I'm not

501
00:38:29,239 --> 00:38:38,439
Speaker 1: going to stop searching for love. I'm Emilia and this

502
00:38:39,080 --> 00:38:54,800
Speaker 1: is my love story. Crumbs is the production of My

503
00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:59,560
Speaker 1: Heart Radios Michael Podcast Network in association with Trojan Horse.

504
00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:05,160
Speaker 1: It's produced by Margaret Catcher and and edited by Jazzmind

505
00:39:05,200 --> 00:39:09,560
Speaker 1: Rometo and Alex Fumeto. Original music by Daniel Peter Schmidt

506
00:39:10,200 --> 00:39:16,160
Speaker 1: and engineering by Manuel Executive Produced by Gisevances and Conno

507
00:39:16,239 --> 00:39:20,480
Speaker 1: Burn for I Heeart, Alex Bumeto for Trojan Horse, Joshua Weinstein,

508
00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:28,800
Speaker 1: Jasmine Rometo, cal And and me Emio Lea special thanks

509
00:39:28,840 --> 00:39:35,000
Speaker 1: to Monissa Hendrix, Fernand Estrava and Saramta. Listen to Crumbs

510
00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:39,080
Speaker 1: on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

511
00:39:39,120 --> 00:39:40,160
Speaker 1: you get your podcasts.