WEBVTT - Let's Talk About Dads...with Shannen Doherty 0:00:02.520 --> 0:00:07.640 This is Let's Be Clear with Shannon Doherty. Hi, everyone, 0:00:07.720 --> 0:00:10.399 welcome to an episode of Let's Be Clear with Shannon Doherty. 0:00:10.880 --> 0:00:15.960 So Father's Day we just had it. I Father's Day 0:00:16.040 --> 0:00:21.000 is really special for a lot of people. For some people, 0:00:21.040 --> 0:00:25.919 it's not, which I really sympathize with. I can't even 0:00:25.960 --> 0:00:30.080 imagine what it's like or what it was like for 0:00:30.160 --> 0:00:33.480 some of you to not have the kind of dad 0:00:33.720 --> 0:00:39.519 that I had, and hopefully you had a brother or 0:00:39.560 --> 0:00:45.160 an uncle or a friend or you know, a foundation 0:00:45.600 --> 0:00:48.640 that helped you out, or your mom. Your sale mom 0:00:48.800 --> 0:00:54.240 was phenomenal, you know, having dual characters, father and mother. 0:00:55.320 --> 0:00:59.680 I consider myself extremely lucky because I had great parents. 0:01:01.400 --> 0:01:07.280 My dad and I were extremely extremely close. I don't 0:01:07.280 --> 0:01:11.080 know if this is PC to be frank, I don't 0:01:11.080 --> 0:01:16.320 really care anymore, you know, cancel culture is so ridiculous anyway. 0:01:16.840 --> 0:01:19.720 But my dad used to tell me as a kid 0:01:19.760 --> 0:01:25.520 growing up, like you're me and drag because I resembled 0:01:25.600 --> 0:01:28.400 him so much in personality. 0:01:29.120 --> 0:01:34.360 We sort of thought the same in a lot of ways. 0:01:34.760 --> 0:01:37.479 And certainly. 0:01:38.680 --> 0:01:41.600 Me growing up in the business and being exposed to 0:01:41.760 --> 0:01:49.600 so many different people and all ethnicities, like all of 0:01:49.640 --> 0:01:53.640 it definitely broadened my horizons a lot. I have a 0:01:54.520 --> 0:01:57.120 you know, huge acceptance for everybody out there. 0:01:57.360 --> 0:01:59.800 My dad did too, but. 0:02:01.600 --> 0:02:05.200 He was just he was so intelligent, and he was 0:02:05.240 --> 0:02:12.800 so thoughtful with his words and how he treated others. 0:02:14.720 --> 0:02:20.399 I just remember him as being, you know, a rock 0:02:20.480 --> 0:02:24.000 in a lot of ways. I think that what's incredibly 0:02:24.080 --> 0:02:28.240 important for fathers and daughters is that because that relationship 0:02:28.320 --> 0:02:31.440 is so special. I think fathers and daughters are you know, 0:02:31.520 --> 0:02:34.560 incredibly close. It's actually later in life that mothers and 0:02:34.639 --> 0:02:37.160 daughters get closer. At least that was the case for me. 0:02:38.240 --> 0:02:45.160 But I I always knew that no matter what I did, 0:02:45.880 --> 0:02:49.640 my dad was going to hear me out, talk to 0:02:49.680 --> 0:02:54.480 me about it, not judge me. He may say, hey, 0:02:54.520 --> 0:02:56.639 you can make a better decision, and you should make 0:02:56.680 --> 0:03:00.480 better decisions in the future, but he would talk me 0:03:00.600 --> 0:03:05.120 through that decision and sort of the reasons why my 0:03:05.320 --> 0:03:09.600 decision was not right. But again, I never felt judged. 0:03:09.639 --> 0:03:11.840 I never felt like he was turning his back on me. 0:03:12.600 --> 0:03:16.400 I always felt that I had, you know, a champion 0:03:16.480 --> 0:03:19.720 in my corner. I always felt that, you know, he'd 0:03:19.720 --> 0:03:24.040 be like, okay, you know, we're bearing the body again, 0:03:24.160 --> 0:03:26.839 probably not PC, but like I said, I don't care. 0:03:27.600 --> 0:03:30.680 So my dad always challenged me mentally from a young age. 0:03:30.720 --> 0:03:35.800 When I could first read him and my mom, uh 0:03:36.040 --> 0:03:39.240 put newspapers in front of myself and my brother, and 0:03:40.560 --> 0:03:43.680 when we all had dinner collectively as a family, because 0:03:43.680 --> 0:03:48.320 that was a requirement, we had to have read the 0:03:48.360 --> 0:03:53.720 newspaper and discuss world events, discuss what was on you know, 0:03:53.880 --> 0:03:56.760 that front page of the newspaper, and really and then 0:03:56.760 --> 0:03:59.680 if we kept reading the newspaper, you know how we 0:03:59.680 --> 0:04:02.800 felt about other things. Obviously, when you're like five or six, 0:04:02.880 --> 0:04:05.600 you're like, I don't really know what any of this means. 0:04:06.080 --> 0:04:13.520 But it was something that continued throughout my life, so 0:04:13.560 --> 0:04:20.880 that when I started comprehending what those newspaper articles we're 0:04:20.920 --> 0:04:24.440 talking about. And this was you know, obviously back in 0:04:24.480 --> 0:04:29.040 the seventies when I think, I don't know, we're newspapers 0:04:29.080 --> 0:04:32.200 more honest back then, I actually don't know. 0:04:33.440 --> 0:04:34.480 I feel like they were. 0:04:34.760 --> 0:04:37.520 I feel like we live in a day and age 0:04:37.520 --> 0:04:42.600 of clickbait and there's not really a lot of honest journalists. 0:04:43.400 --> 0:04:46.600 But you know, my dad would have us, my brother 0:04:46.640 --> 0:04:50.039 and I like decipher what this was and what it meant. 0:04:50.640 --> 0:04:53.360 And again when we got older, putting our own opinions 0:04:53.360 --> 0:04:59.640 into it and having really intelligent and calm debates. And 0:04:59.680 --> 0:05:02.359 it's only helped me in school, it helped my brother, 0:05:02.440 --> 0:05:06.080 he was on the debate team, because yes, we were 0:05:06.080 --> 0:05:10.000 able to formulate our opinions, but we had people at 0:05:10.000 --> 0:05:13.440 home that would counteract that, that would even if they 0:05:13.520 --> 0:05:16.520 believed in the same things we believed in, they would 0:05:17.560 --> 0:05:22.520 take the opposite role, just so we would have to 0:05:24.760 --> 0:05:29.880 come up with intelligent arguments for what we had sort 0:05:29.920 --> 0:05:34.120 of translated from that newspaper and our you know, young 0:05:34.200 --> 0:05:40.880 brains had figured whatever out. So forever grateful for that. 0:05:40.960 --> 0:05:46.719 I'm forever grateful for his you know, intense love, the 0:05:46.800 --> 0:05:52.599 fact that I always felt like I had a place 0:05:52.680 --> 0:05:54.920 to run to and that I had someone to talk to. 0:05:56.760 --> 0:06:00.120 My dad was you know, very very very sick, and 0:06:00.200 --> 0:06:03.839 I was growing up. He had you know, his first, 0:06:03.960 --> 0:06:08.720 I think heart attack in his thirties, and I remember 0:06:09.200 --> 0:06:13.000 it was in the Dallas airport. But he still managed 0:06:13.040 --> 0:06:17.160 to bring me a bear stuffed teddy bear that he 0:06:17.240 --> 0:06:20.320 had bought me in Dallas, which I still have that 0:06:20.400 --> 0:06:25.800 teddy bear. I think to grow up loving someone to 0:06:25.880 --> 0:06:29.800 that degree and then have them be so sick impacted 0:06:29.839 --> 0:06:32.040 me in a lot of ways that I didn't realize 0:06:32.120 --> 0:06:33.320 until I was a lot older. 0:06:34.080 --> 0:06:34.960 I think. 0:06:36.760 --> 0:06:40.560 Watching him go in and out of the hospital, and 0:06:40.760 --> 0:06:46.160 the fear that I constantly felt of is this going 0:06:46.200 --> 0:06:47.560 to be the last time I see him? Is he 0:06:47.600 --> 0:06:48.920 going to die? Is he not going to come out 0:06:48.920 --> 0:06:55.440 of the hospital. It definitely brought up feelings of abandonment. 0:06:55.680 --> 0:07:00.119 But it wasn't like that he was doing that to me. 0:07:00.200 --> 0:07:02.120 It was more that I was. 0:07:02.600 --> 0:07:06.000 Putting I was projecting that onto myself because I was 0:07:06.080 --> 0:07:09.320 so scared that the most important man in my life 0:07:10.000 --> 0:07:15.760 was not going to be there that I there was 0:07:15.880 --> 0:07:19.560 part of me that sort of shut down as I 0:07:19.600 --> 0:07:24.560 got older, and I think I definitely we've discussed this before, 0:07:24.640 --> 0:07:29.800 you guys, were I chose men that were not like 0:07:29.880 --> 0:07:33.720 my dad, that we're not that kind and that gracious 0:07:33.800 --> 0:07:38.280 and that great. I chose men that it wouldn't necessarily 0:07:38.320 --> 0:07:40.320 break my heart if they dumped me and left me, 0:07:41.000 --> 0:07:43.760 that I would survive and be okay and probably move 0:07:43.800 --> 0:07:47.280 on pretty quickly. There's only a few that mattered to me, 0:07:48.640 --> 0:07:52.680 and they know who they are, So you guys, but 0:07:54.680 --> 0:07:57.120 you know, having a father that was in and out hospitals, 0:07:57.120 --> 0:07:58.920 and I actually, at one point in time in my 0:07:58.960 --> 0:08:02.480 life believed that I could actually heal. Like I don't 0:08:02.480 --> 0:08:04.480 know what got into my brain, but I was like, 0:08:04.680 --> 0:08:06.200 I can heal. And I remember we were at the 0:08:06.200 --> 0:08:09.080 hospital and I said to my brother and to my mom, 0:08:09.160 --> 0:08:11.040 I was like, you guys need to, you know, go 0:08:11.120 --> 0:08:13.400 out of the room, the hospital room and let me 0:08:13.440 --> 0:08:17.600 be alone with dad. And my brother chuckled at me. 0:08:17.600 --> 0:08:19.080 When I was like, I think I can heal. He 0:08:19.160 --> 0:08:23.920 was like okay, And I, you know, obviously tried. I failed. 0:08:24.600 --> 0:08:30.200 I was not gifted with that gift. But it was 0:08:30.240 --> 0:08:34.199 funny because I thought my dad was kind of like asleep, 0:08:34.880 --> 0:08:37.040 and so I was talking to myself about like, okay, 0:08:37.120 --> 0:08:40.480 you know, Shannon, like concentrate, close your eyes and put 0:08:40.520 --> 0:08:42.599 all of your energy through your hands, and you'll be 0:08:42.640 --> 0:08:45.439 able to heal. And at some point, like my eyes 0:08:45.440 --> 0:08:47.959 were closed, my hands were like hovering over my father, 0:08:48.040 --> 0:08:51.319 and I heard this chuckle. My dad had the best 0:08:51.400 --> 0:08:55.240 laugh in the world, and when he really found something funny, 0:08:55.280 --> 0:08:59.040 he would laugh so hard, but like no noise, just 0:08:59.080 --> 0:09:02.000 his entire face would wrinkle and tears would pour out 0:09:02.000 --> 0:09:06.240 of his face, and there was there would be like 0:09:06.240 --> 0:09:09.120 a little like tiny bit of noise. And I heard 0:09:09.120 --> 0:09:11.960 this noise and I opened my eyes and my dad 0:09:12.520 --> 0:09:16.120 was like doubled over basically from his hospital bed, laughing, 0:09:16.200 --> 0:09:20.640 hysterically crying, and was like, Oh, I love you, baby, 0:09:20.640 --> 0:09:24.680 I love you so much. It was it was a 0:09:24.800 --> 0:09:28.920 very special moment. Which really strange is that I was 0:09:29.080 --> 0:09:35.280 always present when something happened with my dad. If he 0:09:35.360 --> 0:09:37.920 had and I don't know, my dad must have had 0:09:37.960 --> 0:09:42.079 like ten strokes, eleven heart attacks, something like that. My 0:09:42.120 --> 0:09:46.040 mom were here, she could tell you, probably the exact number, 0:09:46.600 --> 0:09:50.000 but it was a lot. Quinn tubled bypass heart surgery, 0:09:50.120 --> 0:09:56.200 kidney failure. He was on dialysis. But I was always there. 0:09:56.240 --> 0:09:59.960 It didn't matter, like for some reason, it happened when 0:10:00.000 --> 0:10:03.640 and I was close by or in LA and I 0:10:03.640 --> 0:10:05.960 could go, you know, rush to the hospital and meet 0:10:05.960 --> 0:10:12.679 them there. And his final I guess it was a 0:10:12.720 --> 0:10:17.280 stroke that sent a blood clot in his brain and 0:10:18.040 --> 0:10:22.200 killed him. I was not there. I was in New York. 0:10:22.480 --> 0:10:24.480 I was in New York to do I was on 0:10:24.559 --> 0:10:29.680 a book tour and I was getting ready at the 0:10:29.679 --> 0:10:34.680 hotel to go do press and I got that phone call. 0:10:35.280 --> 0:10:37.800 He hadn't passed yet, but it was my mom and 0:10:37.840 --> 0:10:40.400 she was sobbing, and she was like, this is not good. 0:10:40.480 --> 0:10:44.320 And I left all my stuff in the hotel room, 0:10:45.360 --> 0:10:46.520 jumped in a cab, went. 0:10:46.400 --> 0:10:48.679 To the airport. I was hysterical. 0:10:48.720 --> 0:10:51.640 They didn't even want to let me on the plane, 0:10:51.840 --> 0:10:56.120 and you know, they did and I was in the 0:10:56.240 --> 0:11:01.840 very back and I was sobbing. People just kept looking 0:11:01.840 --> 0:11:04.760 at me, like what is wrong with this girl? And 0:11:04.800 --> 0:11:08.400 I got off the plane and my phone got serviced again, 0:11:08.440 --> 0:11:12.400 and my mom had kept calling me and told me 0:11:12.800 --> 0:11:17.720 that he had passed, which is really interesting because you know, 0:11:18.000 --> 0:11:20.840 I prided myself on always being there and him always 0:11:20.920 --> 0:11:24.360 knowing how much I loved him, and that he was, 0:11:25.400 --> 0:11:27.600 along with my mom, along with my brother, like my 0:11:27.760 --> 0:11:30.200 number one priority. But my dad was like my heart, 0:11:30.480 --> 0:11:38.160 you know, he he was just really special. And to 0:11:38.160 --> 0:11:42.680 get to the hospital and to realize that you don't 0:11:42.720 --> 0:11:46.120 get to, you know, look at them and say I 0:11:46.160 --> 0:11:50.719 love you and for them to hear you was devastating 0:11:50.760 --> 0:11:53.120 to me. And then I had to click into like 0:11:53.160 --> 0:11:56.120 a totally different gear. I had to click into the 0:11:56.160 --> 0:11:58.199 gear of the person who can get it all done 0:11:58.360 --> 0:12:02.440 and pull it together and be there for my brother 0:12:02.559 --> 0:12:06.480 be there for my mother, make funeral arrangements, pick out 0:12:06.559 --> 0:12:08.720 a coffin. Even though he was being cremated, we saw 0:12:08.720 --> 0:12:13.680 at a coffin. It was just I think it took 0:12:13.760 --> 0:12:32.160 me a while to really process. One of the first 0:12:32.200 --> 0:12:38.040 times that it started processing was after the funeral. After 0:12:38.080 --> 0:12:43.079 the memorial service, my best friend Chris said he had 0:12:43.080 --> 0:12:48.920 this beautiful ranch in the hills of Malibu, and he 0:12:48.960 --> 0:12:51.360 said to me, you know, I think you and your 0:12:51.400 --> 0:12:54.800 mom should go stay at the ranch. 0:12:54.600 --> 0:12:56.520 For a little bit. Get out of the house, get 0:12:56.559 --> 0:12:56.960 out of. 0:12:56.960 --> 0:12:59.360 You know, your normal environment where you're used to seeing 0:12:59.360 --> 0:13:02.360 your dad or your husband in the case of my mom, 0:13:02.520 --> 0:13:06.400 and just go, you know, connect with nature. And and 0:13:06.440 --> 0:13:08.840 we went there and he had had, you know, food 0:13:08.960 --> 0:13:12.319 taken to the house, like we literally had to do nothing. 0:13:12.600 --> 0:13:19.880 And I it was at night, and his property is 0:13:19.920 --> 0:13:27.360 on like Chumash land really and I definitely maybe it's 0:13:27.360 --> 0:13:30.280 because I'm a part Native American Indian. I definitely feel 0:13:30.320 --> 0:13:36.760 like energy there. And I went outside by myself and 0:13:36.800 --> 0:13:43.000 I said on the steps and this wind picked up 0:13:44.000 --> 0:13:46.199 lent my prefaces by saying, like, one of the things 0:13:46.240 --> 0:13:49.440 that was really hurting me was that I didn't my 0:13:49.520 --> 0:13:52.360 dad died. I did all of this stuff, funeral, blah 0:13:52.400 --> 0:13:56.240 blah blah, but I felt like I felt nothing. I 0:13:56.280 --> 0:13:59.560 didn't feel connected. And I always thought that, like when 0:13:59.600 --> 0:14:04.000 he died, I would still feel very connected, and I didn't. 0:14:04.040 --> 0:14:06.920 All of a sudden, it was like this giant space, 0:14:07.760 --> 0:14:11.040 empty space inside of me, and that was really devastating. 0:14:12.520 --> 0:14:14.559 But so I went outside on the steps and this 0:14:14.600 --> 0:14:19.560 wind kind of blew and I felt like this warmth 0:14:19.640 --> 0:14:24.800 come around me and I heard him say it's okay, baby, 0:14:24.800 --> 0:14:25.520 it's going to be okay. 0:14:25.600 --> 0:14:26.640 I love you, and I was. 0:14:26.640 --> 0:14:32.840 Like, oh my God, like finally, and that's when I 0:14:32.880 --> 0:14:37.000 started feeling the connection to my dad again, which I 0:14:37.080 --> 0:14:39.360 do all the time. I mean, I after that, it 0:14:39.400 --> 0:14:42.080 was like the floodgates opened, you you know. It was 0:14:42.160 --> 0:14:46.800 just sobbing and acceptance. And my mom really helped me 0:14:46.840 --> 0:14:51.040 with that acceptance of because I blamed myself for not 0:14:51.360 --> 0:14:54.600 being there, for putting work as a priority, even though 0:14:54.680 --> 0:14:57.600 I obviously didn't know my dad was, you know, going 0:14:57.640 --> 0:15:06.520 to die, I still blamed myself and my mom really 0:15:06.760 --> 0:15:11.560 helped me go through that, helped me realize that, you know, 0:15:11.640 --> 0:15:15.800 sometimes people that really love you choose to pass away 0:15:16.360 --> 0:15:20.520 when you're not present, they want you to remember them 0:15:20.680 --> 0:15:23.640 in a totally different way. And I kind of recognize 0:15:23.640 --> 0:15:25.560 that with my dad now that I don't think he 0:15:25.640 --> 0:15:32.160 would have wanted me to see him like that, which 0:15:32.240 --> 0:15:37.760 is interesting also because there are moments, not many most 0:15:37.760 --> 0:15:39.320 of the time, I wish my dad was still with 0:15:39.400 --> 0:15:42.560 me almost ninety nine percent of the time, but there's 0:15:42.600 --> 0:15:47.680 like one percent where I think to myself, thank God 0:15:47.720 --> 0:15:50.680 he's not here, because it would devastate him that I'm 0:15:50.680 --> 0:15:55.280 so sick. It would you know, every time a protocol 0:15:55.320 --> 0:15:59.920 stops working, it would kill my dad. Every time you know, 0:16:00.040 --> 0:16:02.400 we had to see me getting an infusion or shots 0:16:02.560 --> 0:16:07.760 or you know, all of the crazy things that cancer 0:16:07.800 --> 0:16:12.240 patients go through. It would dostate my father. I'm sure 0:16:12.280 --> 0:16:17.040 of it. So sometimes I'm like, thank God, it's not here. 0:16:17.760 --> 0:16:22.120 But for the most part, I, you know, wish she 0:16:22.320 --> 0:16:27.080 was because it's a totally different kind of warmth and love. 0:16:27.840 --> 0:16:31.320 I'm again super lucky because I have a mom that much. 0:16:31.440 --> 0:16:35.200 You know, later in life, we bonded in a very 0:16:35.200 --> 0:16:37.320 different way than my dad and I were bonded, And 0:16:37.360 --> 0:16:41.960 I think it's a bond that I needed, and I 0:16:41.960 --> 0:16:44.600 think it's a bond that continues to grow and adjust 0:16:44.640 --> 0:16:51.800 and evolve, and you know, and she's a fantastic mother. 0:16:53.560 --> 0:17:00.800 But again it's it's a totally different relationship. So Father's 0:17:00.880 --> 0:17:05.280 Day can sometimes be hard for me. It can be 0:17:05.400 --> 0:17:09.960 hard for you know, my mom, who has vowed that 0:17:10.760 --> 0:17:16.840 she'll never date and never marry, and selfishly in the beginning, 0:17:16.880 --> 0:17:19.399 when my father first passed, I was like, damn straight. 0:17:20.240 --> 0:17:24.280 And now so much time has passed and I look 0:17:24.359 --> 0:17:25.800 at my mom and I'm like, I don't want her 0:17:25.840 --> 0:17:29.720 to be lonely. I don't want her to be sad 0:17:29.840 --> 0:17:34.120 like people sometimes need, you know, companionship. Most of us 0:17:34.160 --> 0:17:40.440 need companionship. I don't need companionship. I have my dog 0:17:40.480 --> 0:17:44.240 who's a great companion, and I have like the best 0:17:44.280 --> 0:17:49.560 friends in the world, and I'm pretty happy alone. 0:17:50.240 --> 0:17:53.360 But you know, my mom had one love. 0:17:53.200 --> 0:17:58.240 Her entire life, which was my dad, and for a 0:17:58.359 --> 0:18:01.119 large majority of their marriage he was very ill and 0:18:01.160 --> 0:18:05.440 she had to take care of him. And I just wonder, like, yes, 0:18:05.560 --> 0:18:07.639 I take her on trips and I take her to 0:18:07.680 --> 0:18:10.560 places that she's never been, but it's not the same 0:18:10.640 --> 0:18:14.680 as going with a companion that loves you in a 0:18:14.720 --> 0:18:17.040 different way than your daughter loves you, or then your 0:18:17.040 --> 0:18:17.679 son loves you. 0:18:18.359 --> 0:18:21.479 So I think I'm past that. 0:18:21.680 --> 0:18:24.919 I know, I'm past that selfish stage where I was like, 0:18:25.200 --> 0:18:27.879 you know, in my head, I was like, yeah, damn straight, 0:18:28.119 --> 0:18:32.280 you know, honor my father, because now it's about honoring 0:18:32.320 --> 0:18:34.920 my mother as well, and the things that she deserves 0:18:34.920 --> 0:18:37.919 in life, and she deserves complete happiness and to not 0:18:37.960 --> 0:18:43.280 feel alone. Not that she feels alone. I spend an 0:18:43.359 --> 0:18:46.840 extraordinary amount of time with her. Sometimes we look at 0:18:46.880 --> 0:18:49.920 each other and she'll be like, hey, I'm going to 0:18:50.000 --> 0:18:52.520 go back to my house because I need a break 0:18:52.560 --> 0:18:58.200 from you, And I'm like, yeah, we're pretty funny together again. 0:18:58.320 --> 0:19:01.600 Going back to like, it's very different relationship then my dad. 0:19:01.640 --> 0:19:06.400 There was, you know, something very very very gentle about 0:19:06.440 --> 0:19:10.239 my relationship with my father, Whereas my mom and I 0:19:10.359 --> 0:19:15.280 argued a lot, and I think we still argue some 0:19:16.000 --> 0:19:18.959 not you know, it's like one percent compared to what 0:19:19.000 --> 0:19:23.360 we used to. But you know, it's that like challenging 0:19:24.119 --> 0:19:28.640 two women, strong women sort of challenging one another. Whereas 0:19:28.960 --> 0:19:32.439 my dad was super strong, but his entire goal in 0:19:32.520 --> 0:19:38.280 life was to make me strong. His whole thing was 0:19:38.359 --> 0:19:41.680 I don't want you to you know, just go get 0:19:41.720 --> 0:19:45.520 married and and that like, if that's what you want, 0:19:45.760 --> 0:19:48.720 good for you, But there are other options out there 0:19:48.760 --> 0:19:51.960 for women. And again this was you know, I was 0:19:52.000 --> 0:19:57.200 born in seventy one, that's right, people, I'm old, and 0:19:57.280 --> 0:20:02.919 so things weren't as progressive as they are now. Not 0:20:03.040 --> 0:20:09.000 that we're fully progressive, we certainly are not, but for 0:20:09.119 --> 0:20:12.720 him to be that man who was like, I want 0:20:12.760 --> 0:20:19.480 you to know that your gender means nothing, ginger means zero. 0:20:19.920 --> 0:20:26.720 Anybody can can reach a goal. Whether you're male, female, gay, 0:20:27.000 --> 0:20:31.360 transit doesn't matter, like you can reach that goal. And 0:20:31.760 --> 0:20:37.840 he was big on that with me, which you know 0:20:37.960 --> 0:20:41.800 is incredibly special growing up too, to have someone that 0:20:43.640 --> 0:20:47.080 just anytime I would come home from work and be like, 0:20:47.160 --> 0:20:51.880 oh god, you know like male producers and this one 0:20:51.960 --> 0:20:54.800 threatened me with like the freaking mob and you know, 0:20:54.960 --> 0:20:57.879 this one touched me inappropriately, and my dad would be like, no, 0:20:58.000 --> 0:21:02.320 you don't take that. Fight back, absolutely, fight back, report them, 0:21:02.880 --> 0:21:03.480 do whatever. 0:21:05.440 --> 0:21:05.679 You know. 0:21:05.760 --> 0:21:08.639 He would come to set with me sometimes just to 0:21:08.800 --> 0:21:09.639 watch over me. 0:21:11.800 --> 0:21:16.800 So it's hard to miss that as much as I do, 0:21:18.000 --> 0:21:21.520 But I also feel. 0:21:22.720 --> 0:21:26.880 So lucky that I had him for as long as 0:21:26.920 --> 0:21:30.439 I had him In my life. It was forty something. 0:21:30.480 --> 0:21:34.960 I think when he passed away, that's a long time 0:21:35.040 --> 0:21:38.960 to have a father. I guess could definitely be longer, 0:21:39.040 --> 0:21:43.919 but that was the amount of time that I got 0:21:44.400 --> 0:21:45.640 and then God took him. 0:21:45.760 --> 0:21:50.560 And the one thing I sort of know, and that. 0:21:50.760 --> 0:21:54.680 Also relaxes me, is that I know I get to 0:21:54.720 --> 0:21:58.280 see him when I pass away, and that's kind of 0:21:58.320 --> 0:22:00.160 a cool thing. And I get to see him healthy 0:22:00.240 --> 0:22:04.480 and happy and you know, thriving in his environment with God, 0:22:04.840 --> 0:22:09.680 which is pretty cool. So that's, you know, my relationship 0:22:09.720 --> 0:22:13.480 with my father, which was great. Not to say that 0:22:13.520 --> 0:22:18.600 there weren't complications, because I think everybody has complications with 0:22:18.640 --> 0:22:24.560 their parents. It's just part of growing up. And and 0:22:24.800 --> 0:22:27.800 also my you know, because he was so sick and 0:22:28.400 --> 0:22:31.479 oh he had diabetes and high blood pressure and heart disease. 0:22:32.920 --> 0:22:38.959 I think that it impacted as he got older and sicker, 0:22:39.000 --> 0:22:42.639 it definitely impacted his mental health. And we all in 0:22:42.680 --> 0:22:45.280 the family, my brother and my mother and myself, we 0:22:45.320 --> 0:22:48.399 all had to learn to cope with that, which was 0:22:48.560 --> 0:22:52.880 not easy. So yeah, that's my relationship with my dad. 0:22:54.760 --> 0:22:57.640 Trying to think if like, you know. 0:22:58.440 --> 0:23:02.520 We we shared a love of cooking, so I love 0:23:02.600 --> 0:23:09.040 to cook, and my dad loved to cook, but he 0:23:09.080 --> 0:23:12.400 would make cooking like a very special experience. He would 0:23:12.440 --> 0:23:15.560 put on pavarati, he would open up a bottle of 0:23:15.600 --> 0:23:20.199 red wine, and I would stand on like a little, 0:23:20.680 --> 0:23:24.840 you know, step stool and help him cook, and he 0:23:24.880 --> 0:23:26.679 would break it all down for me. He was an 0:23:26.720 --> 0:23:31.879 amazing cook actually, and so cooking I always sort of 0:23:32.000 --> 0:23:36.119 romanticized cooking. I thought that it was just this beautiful 0:23:36.160 --> 0:23:39.320 experience that you did with someone that you loved, whether 0:23:39.359 --> 0:23:42.960 it be paternal love or whatever kind of love, and 0:23:43.480 --> 0:23:46.760 that it what cooking did, is when you were cooking 0:23:46.800 --> 0:23:52.400 for others. It was my friend Christy, who you guys 0:23:52.440 --> 0:23:56.320 have heard about. She owned Christie's Village Cafe in Malibu. 0:23:58.320 --> 0:24:02.199 She always says, my love language is food, and I 0:24:02.240 --> 0:24:05.639 guess that's kind of what my dad was teaching me, 0:24:07.080 --> 0:24:10.119 along with the fact that we loved to cook together 0:24:10.240 --> 0:24:12.920 and then you know, serve my brother and my mom. 0:24:13.800 --> 0:24:16.000 But his love language a lot of it. He hit 0:24:16.040 --> 0:24:16.400 a lot of. 0:24:16.320 --> 0:24:19.280 Different languages of love, but one of them was cooking. 0:24:19.680 --> 0:24:22.359 Was he would be so proud, like the dish turned 0:24:22.359 --> 0:24:25.439 out perfect, and oftentimes they were. So that was something 0:24:25.480 --> 0:24:30.000 that we did together. We also continued reading the newspaper 0:24:31.040 --> 0:24:34.679 up until he died. We always talked about world events. 0:24:34.680 --> 0:24:38.080 We always had sort of healthy debates, or we were 0:24:38.080 --> 0:24:41.600 in complete agreement, just depended on the subject. We were 0:24:41.600 --> 0:24:47.120 just connected and again incredibly similar that it was easy 0:24:47.200 --> 0:24:52.760 to have hobbies, to have things that we'd like to 0:24:52.800 --> 0:24:57.560 do together, and they could be really simple, like I said, 0:24:57.600 --> 0:25:01.679 just me, you know, going to my parents' house and 0:25:01.720 --> 0:25:04.320 sitting down with him and you're like, okay, you know, 0:25:04.520 --> 0:25:06.560 this is the latest, this is what's. 0:25:06.400 --> 0:25:07.800 Happening in the world. What do you think? 0:25:08.720 --> 0:25:12.280 And even our debates were like fun and lively. They 0:25:12.280 --> 0:25:29.520 didn't ever feel threatening, are bad. And what's funny is 0:25:31.040 --> 0:25:36.000 you know, you always have one parent that's lenient and 0:25:36.040 --> 0:25:40.159 you have one that's a disciplinarian. My poor mother she 0:25:40.480 --> 0:25:44.520 got the role of disciplinarian. And my dad was just 0:25:44.880 --> 0:25:46.600 he was like a teddy bear. He was a big 0:25:47.160 --> 0:25:49.920 teddy bear that would just wrap his arms around you. 0:25:50.000 --> 0:25:53.040 It was really funny. I can't One of my exes 0:25:53.080 --> 0:25:56.520 who was on the podcast, I think it was Rob, 0:25:57.080 --> 0:26:01.159 said that, you know my dad was this like man 0:26:01.200 --> 0:26:05.320 and very intimidating. But what's funny is that he was 0:26:06.760 --> 0:26:09.320 just a teddy bear. This was not someone that anybody 0:26:09.480 --> 0:26:12.480 needed to be scared of. I'll tell you guys a story. 0:26:13.040 --> 0:26:16.920 I was, I don't know young. 0:26:17.000 --> 0:26:22.439 We were living in palace thirties, and my father and 0:26:22.520 --> 0:26:28.600 mother did not believe in hitting at all. They believed 0:26:28.640 --> 0:26:34.919 in you could discipline a child without hitting them. But 0:26:35.000 --> 0:26:39.160 I had done something that was apparently quite bad, maybe 0:26:39.240 --> 0:26:45.920 like six, I don't know, and my dad said to me, okay, 0:26:47.400 --> 0:26:51.679 it's time for your first banking. I was like, really, 0:26:52.880 --> 0:26:56.240 little girl. He said, yes, you know, like this is bad. 0:26:56.359 --> 0:26:58.399 You need to learn that you can't do stuff like this. 0:26:58.440 --> 0:27:02.000 There's repercussions. And so I said, okay, Daddy, can I 0:27:02.000 --> 0:27:05.960 please go to my room and compose myself first. He 0:27:06.000 --> 0:27:09.119 looked at his watch and he said, yes, you have 0:27:09.160 --> 0:27:12.320 two minutes and you have to come back down. So 0:27:12.359 --> 0:27:16.600 I ran up to my room and I found, you know, 0:27:16.720 --> 0:27:20.399 softcover books, and I stuffed them down the back of 0:27:20.440 --> 0:27:23.600 my pants. Little did I know, because it was like six, 0:27:24.119 --> 0:27:28.800 that my butt was a perfect like rectangle. So I 0:27:28.840 --> 0:27:30.600 went back downstairs and I looked at my dad and 0:27:30.680 --> 0:27:33.600 I said, okay, Daddy, I'm ready for my punishment. You're 0:27:33.680 --> 0:27:38.119 right I deserve it. And I bent over his lap 0:27:39.760 --> 0:27:43.119