WEBVTT - GECKMAIL: THE FLESHLIGHT UPDATE 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:04.640 Hello, how's it going. This is gek Mail. This is 0:00:04.680 --> 0:00:08.360 a segment that I do sometimes on the podcast where 0:00:08.520 --> 0:00:13.320 instead of talking to callers on the phone, I just 0:00:13.440 --> 0:00:20.400 read emails. And I am currently coming at you from 0:00:20.520 --> 0:00:26.200 a windowless hotel room in Tijuana, Mexico. I just finished 0:00:28.160 --> 0:00:30.680 I'm down here filming a video. I don't know if 0:00:30.720 --> 0:00:34.200 you guys saw I made this video a month ago 0:00:34.280 --> 0:00:36.720 or I guess. I filmed it back in February of 0:00:36.800 --> 0:00:41.680 me walking with my boy Jason, who I met through 0:00:41.720 --> 0:00:48.120 this podcast through Japan, and I talked about depression, I 0:00:48.159 --> 0:00:51.000 talked about having an existential crisis, a lot of that stuff, 0:00:51.159 --> 0:00:56.200 and I really enjoyed that format of video. So I 0:00:56.240 --> 0:01:02.840 am currently down here in Tijuana filming with someone else 0:01:03.320 --> 0:01:08.320 who I met through this podcast, and we're making a 0:01:08.400 --> 0:01:14.759 video together and that's exciting to me. And so yeah, 0:01:14.800 --> 0:01:18.959 I feel great. I feel revitalized. I feel I've been 0:01:19.360 --> 0:01:22.920 trying to find a way to kind of like evolve 0:01:23.680 --> 0:01:28.240 the show in some way because it's been it's been like, 0:01:28.319 --> 0:01:31.520 you know, five years now that I've been being a 0:01:31.560 --> 0:01:35.080 Gecko and doing this podcast, and I really like this format. 0:01:35.160 --> 0:01:38.639 So I'm excited for you guys to see this video 0:01:39.200 --> 0:01:41.080 that I'm gonna make. I just shot it and we're 0:01:41.120 --> 0:01:45.800 gonna I'm gonna take some time to edit it. But anyway, whatever, 0:01:45.800 --> 0:01:47.800 that's what's going on with me. That's what's going on 0:01:47.840 --> 0:01:52.280 with me as far as this podcast episode goes. It's 0:01:52.320 --> 0:01:57.120 gonna be me reading viewer mail. I made an Instagram 0:01:57.240 --> 0:02:02.080 story yesterday asking people to say me mail with whatever, 0:02:03.320 --> 0:02:09.959 and so I'm gonna now read some of that viewer 0:02:10.040 --> 0:02:15.040 mail for the next hour, perhaps even more, And hopefully 0:02:15.520 --> 0:02:20.600 this provides you with some form of distraction as you 0:02:20.919 --> 0:02:25.240 either fold laundry or drive a car, or do any 0:02:25.360 --> 0:02:28.040 other things that you would do, or maybe you just 0:02:28.160 --> 0:02:30.480 maybe I don't know how you do podcasts. Maybe you don't. 0:02:31.160 --> 0:02:33.480 Maybe you just sit in a chair and listen to 0:02:33.520 --> 0:02:38.880 your podcast without doing a second thing. But whatever it 0:02:38.960 --> 0:02:40.760 is that you're doing while you're doing this, I hope 0:02:40.760 --> 0:02:43.639 that this is a good this works for you as 0:02:43.680 --> 0:02:46.639 a second thing to be doing. Okay, all right, let's 0:02:46.960 --> 0:02:50.880 just start reading emails here, all right. First email, This 0:02:50.919 --> 0:02:55.680 is from Joel. Subject line thoughts on your GTA six 0:02:56.480 --> 0:03:02.160 existential dread rant from Joel. Hello, Lyle Joel. Here, he 0:03:02.200 --> 0:03:05.400 wrote his full name by the way he wrote Joel, 0:03:05.520 --> 0:03:10.440 and then his last name. But and he wrote, he 0:03:10.720 --> 0:03:12.360 gave me his first and last name in both the 0:03:12.400 --> 0:03:15.760 subject line and in the email itself. But I don't 0:03:15.800 --> 0:03:20.560 think I'm gonna read it aloud, because there's no reason 0:03:20.639 --> 0:03:23.600 to do that. Okay, all right, Joel here, I just 0:03:23.639 --> 0:03:26.560 finished listening to your Gecko Male episode where you mentioned 0:03:26.560 --> 0:03:28.840 how excited you are for Grand Theft Auto six this 0:03:28.960 --> 0:03:31.400 is true, and how you were in middle school when 0:03:31.400 --> 0:03:34.079 the trailer for GTA five came out. I think it's 0:03:34.120 --> 0:03:36.480 really interesting to reflect on those points in our lives 0:03:36.520 --> 0:03:39.600 when we're super excited for something versus how we actually 0:03:39.720 --> 0:03:43.400 feel once it finally happens. If I could go back 0:03:43.440 --> 0:03:46.680 to my twelve year old self playing San Andreas and 0:03:46.800 --> 0:03:48.960 show him all the amazing things you could do in 0:03:49.040 --> 0:03:52.600 GTA five, how great it looks, all the crazy stuff 0:03:52.640 --> 0:03:55.800 you can pull off, he'd be blown away. But now 0:03:55.800 --> 0:04:01.240 that I am in my late twenties or thirties, Now 0:04:01.240 --> 0:04:04.280 that I'm in my late twenties or thirties, okay, all right, 0:04:04.320 --> 0:04:06.440 that makes sense. Now that I'm in my late twenties, 0:04:06.920 --> 0:04:11.680 I barely care. Hmm. It's like, look, how cool this is? 0:04:12.080 --> 0:04:15.840 And yet you just don't feel it anymore. Hopefully that 0:04:15.840 --> 0:04:18.520 doesn't happen to you a year from now when GCA 0:04:18.640 --> 0:04:21.440 six comes out. Sorry to be a bit of a bummer, 0:04:22.320 --> 0:04:25.719 but I guess that's just how life is sometimes. Huh. 0:04:26.160 --> 0:04:29.440 Just a few thoughts from me, Joel. And then he 0:04:29.480 --> 0:04:32.560 wrote again his first and last name, and then he writes, PS, 0:04:32.600 --> 0:04:37.320 please keep my name anonymous. Why would you write your 0:04:37.360 --> 0:04:40.320 first and last name? Here's the thing. I get it. 0:04:40.360 --> 0:04:42.560 If you send an email and you just Google just 0:04:42.600 --> 0:04:45.560 has your first and last name in the in the 0:04:45.640 --> 0:04:48.720 fucking thing, but you wrote your first and last We're 0:04:48.760 --> 0:04:54.400 keeping Joel. Joel's anonymous enough, I think, But why would 0:04:54.400 --> 0:04:57.960 you write your first and last name in this in 0:04:58.040 --> 0:05:01.839 this subject line, and then twice in the body of 0:05:01.880 --> 0:05:04.480 the email if you wanted to be anonymous. Sorry, I 0:05:04.480 --> 0:05:07.640 don't know why I'm coming at you, Joel. I don't 0:05:07.640 --> 0:05:12.440 mean to come at you. I'm bummed that you don't care. 0:05:12.480 --> 0:05:14.240 I mean, I'm bummed that you don't care. I don't know. 0:05:16.440 --> 0:05:18.800 I don't know what your life is is like. I mean, 0:05:18.800 --> 0:05:20.479 it's not that big of a deal. If you don't care, 0:05:20.960 --> 0:05:22.880 it's fine. I have games like that. By the way 0:05:22.920 --> 0:05:25.680 I used to be. I I remember I used to 0:05:25.880 --> 0:05:29.320 I was really obsessed with Kingdom Hearts when I was 0:05:29.720 --> 0:05:35.240 a boy, when I was at twelve and I I 0:05:35.400 --> 0:05:38.200 was so, so so excited for Kingdom Hearts three. And 0:05:38.200 --> 0:05:40.200 then it didn't come out for like seven years or 0:05:40.240 --> 0:05:42.520 eight years or I don't even know. And I by 0:05:42.520 --> 0:05:43.880 the time it came out, I didn't give a shit 0:05:43.920 --> 0:05:48.000 at all. And there's been there's been stuff like that 0:05:48.040 --> 0:05:49.800 where I just didn't care. But this I care. I 0:05:49.839 --> 0:05:54.080 care about grand theft auto. I'm actually while actually while 0:05:54.120 --> 0:05:57.840 I'm like on planes and shit in Tijuana. Yeah, I'm 0:05:57.839 --> 0:06:01.120 just in a window. I'm just in a hotel room. 0:06:01.440 --> 0:06:02.960 I did. We did a bunch of fun stuff to 0:06:02.960 --> 0:06:04.880 film the video, but after that, I just kind of 0:06:04.920 --> 0:06:08.840 sat in the hotel room playing San Andreas the Definitive 0:06:08.960 --> 0:06:14.960 Edition on my switch and that's been pretty great. But yeah, 0:06:15.080 --> 0:06:17.039 I don't think that I actually don't think. I know 0:06:17.080 --> 0:06:18.640 that you're saying this is a bummer, but I don't 0:06:18.680 --> 0:06:22.040 think that this is that much of a bummer. You know, 0:06:22.120 --> 0:06:27.159 it makes sense right when you're a kid, because I remember, yeah, 0:06:27.160 --> 0:06:29.719 I remember being when I was a kid, video games 0:06:29.760 --> 0:06:32.480 were all I cared about. They were the scope of 0:06:32.520 --> 0:06:35.840 my life, you know. I was like, yeah, I was 0:06:35.880 --> 0:06:40.120 twelve years old and my my the main narrative of 0:06:40.160 --> 0:06:47.640 my existence was I'm so excited for for like Portal 0:06:47.640 --> 0:06:50.320 two and Super Smash Brothers Brawl. And then you get 0:06:50.320 --> 0:06:55.400 older and your life expands. It's a good thing. It's 0:06:55.440 --> 0:06:57.440 a good thing. I really care. I'm really excited. I 0:06:57.440 --> 0:07:01.680 really care about Grand Theft Auto six. But you know, 0:07:02.200 --> 0:07:04.320 you get older and you want you want You're like, oh, 0:07:04.320 --> 0:07:06.240 grand Theft, thought was six is cool, But it would 0:07:06.240 --> 0:07:09.000 also be nice to have a wife and kids, you 0:07:09.040 --> 0:07:12.680 know what I mean, or to have a career. You know, 0:07:13.320 --> 0:07:16.960 that's good. It's good. It's good. I think it's I 0:07:17.080 --> 0:07:20.440 enjoy that I still care about video games, like they're 0:07:20.560 --> 0:07:25.560 a fun hobby. But I think if if all, if 0:07:25.800 --> 0:07:28.160 if all I cared about in my late twenties or 0:07:28.240 --> 0:07:31.320 thirties was video games, I think that would be more 0:07:31.360 --> 0:07:34.480 of a bummer, you know what I mean. Like, it's 0:07:34.480 --> 0:07:39.840 good to care about other stuff. It's like, look, how 0:07:39.920 --> 0:07:42.280 cool it's what is he saying all the greatest stuff? 0:07:42.360 --> 0:07:45.120 I don't know if Joel, I don't know, Joel, don't 0:07:45.200 --> 0:07:47.400 I don't know. I don't take this as depressing. I 0:07:47.440 --> 0:07:50.040 don't take this as depressing. I think it's natural to 0:07:50.600 --> 0:07:55.920 care about stuff aside from just video games. But dude, 0:07:55.960 --> 0:07:57.920 I was thinking when I was playing, because I'm playing 0:07:57.920 --> 0:08:00.320 San Andres right now, and I'm like, damn, this looks 0:08:00.360 --> 0:08:07.360 like total shit compared to even Grantraft Little four. I 0:08:07.400 --> 0:08:09.240 don't know why I've turned I don't know why I've 0:08:09.240 --> 0:08:13.600 turned this into like IGN presents therapy, getto But I 0:08:14.080 --> 0:08:19.520 do like video games, all right. This one comes from Vinnie, 0:08:20.000 --> 0:08:25.320 subject line do ayahuasca. He says, if you feel it's 0:08:25.400 --> 0:08:30.680 calling you, trust your intentions. We are all God. Consciousness 0:08:30.760 --> 0:08:35.559 is God. Death is incredibly easy. Living life is difficult, 0:08:35.960 --> 0:08:39.160 but that's what makes it special. We're here to leave 0:08:39.160 --> 0:08:41.400 our impact better than we found it so we can 0:08:41.480 --> 0:08:45.120 upgrade in our next life. You've already done so much 0:08:45.600 --> 0:08:48.640 positively impactful that I hope you're being a friend to yourself. 0:08:48.720 --> 0:08:50.680 Thank you, Vinnie. That's really nice of you to say, 0:08:50.920 --> 0:08:54.359 And based on how fortunate you are in this life, 0:08:54.480 --> 0:09:00.000 it's very likely your previous life followed this advice. Be well, Vinnie, 0:09:00.120 --> 0:09:02.000 Thank you man. This was a sweet email. This is 0:09:02.040 --> 0:09:06.360 really nice. I don't want to do ayahuasca. I used 0:09:06.360 --> 0:09:08.440 to think I wanted to do ayahuasca, and now I don't. 0:09:08.440 --> 0:09:13.800 And here's why it is, because, well, yeah, I've been 0:09:13.800 --> 0:09:16.559 talking about a lot on the podcast about like existential bullshit, 0:09:16.720 --> 0:09:21.360 and I feel like, let's see, it's June. For basically 0:09:21.800 --> 0:09:26.000 all of February, March, April, and half of May, so 0:09:26.040 --> 0:09:30.640 about three and a half months. My con is constant 0:09:30.880 --> 0:09:34.240 existential thoughts. And I was thinking a lot about this 0:09:34.320 --> 0:09:36.880 shit about like we are all God and consciousness of 0:09:36.960 --> 0:09:41.440 God and all that stuff. And it's in a lot 0:09:41.440 --> 0:09:44.000 of that when like thinking about death and shit, A 0:09:44.000 --> 0:09:50.200 lot of that was scary. But the past few weeks 0:09:50.920 --> 0:09:53.000 I'm thinking about it. I'm still thinking about it, but 0:09:53.040 --> 0:09:55.080 not from like a I'm scared of it, from like 0:09:55.080 --> 0:10:02.120 a like it's interesting to think about place. But I 0:10:02.160 --> 0:10:06.559 don't want to do ayahuasca. Man, there's no I I 0:10:07.000 --> 0:10:11.360 I feel like, you gotta you gotta keep you gotta 0:10:11.440 --> 0:10:13.439 keep one foot on the earth. You know, you know 0:10:13.440 --> 0:10:14.880 what I mean, You really got to keep one foot 0:10:14.920 --> 0:10:16.240 on the earth or else you're going to just go 0:10:16.360 --> 0:10:20.240 fucking completely insane. I get you, though, on the whole 0:10:20.760 --> 0:10:24.200 we are all God conscious death is easy. Living life 0:10:24.800 --> 0:10:28.559 is difficult. That is true. Death is easier than life. 0:10:28.640 --> 0:10:30.840 You don't have to do anything if you're dead. You 0:10:30.880 --> 0:10:34.079 don't have to you don't have to go to work, 0:10:34.320 --> 0:10:37.640 you don't have to talk to anyone, you don't have 0:10:37.679 --> 0:10:43.319 to go grocery shopping. It's true. I was I was 0:10:43.360 --> 0:10:46.120 thinking about this. Forgive me if I've talked about this 0:10:46.200 --> 0:10:52.599 on the podcast before, but I was on when I 0:10:52.679 --> 0:10:56.680 was depressed, and I was on Wikipedia one night, and I, God, 0:10:56.679 --> 0:10:58.280 I feel like I've told the story before. I'm not 0:10:58.320 --> 0:11:00.800 gonna do it anyway. I was depressed. I was on Wikipedia, 0:11:00.800 --> 0:11:05.640 and I was on a Wikipedia page for this movement 0:11:06.360 --> 0:11:11.520 called anti natalism that was like like a like a 0:11:11.559 --> 0:11:15.200 philosophical idea that it is that it is unethical to 0:11:15.240 --> 0:11:21.760 have children because you're bringing consciousness into existence without its permission, 0:11:22.400 --> 0:11:24.720 and then like consciousness is suffering and shit. And while 0:11:24.720 --> 0:11:26.200 I was depressed, I was reading that and I was like, 0:11:26.240 --> 0:11:32.920 that's true, dude, consciousness is consciousness is is depressing. And 0:11:32.960 --> 0:11:35.440 then but that's a that's a that's it. That's it's 0:11:35.520 --> 0:11:39.280 some shit you have when you're depressed, you know. I 0:11:39.400 --> 0:11:43.559 was walking around, uh, in in Tijuana a little bit 0:11:43.720 --> 0:11:49.240 yesterday and I was just I just watched these two people. 0:11:49.280 --> 0:11:51.839 They must have been, like I don't know, they were young. 0:11:51.880 --> 0:11:53.840 They must have been like twenty or something. There's just 0:11:53.880 --> 0:11:56.880 this couple. They were just holding hands and one had 0:11:56.920 --> 0:11:59.160 like a drink in the like I had like a 0:11:59.200 --> 0:12:01.960 fucking like a tear or something. And I was like, 0:12:02.720 --> 0:12:04.600 this is that. I was like, this is nice, This 0:12:04.760 --> 0:12:07.320 is good. This is life is fine. Life is fine. 0:12:07.920 --> 0:12:12.080 Life is good. You expek bring you know, you bring 0:12:12.120 --> 0:12:15.240 a kid into the world, and uh yeah, sure there's 0:12:15.280 --> 0:12:24.240 plenty of ship to be uh depressed about. But you know, 0:12:24.400 --> 0:12:27.920 hopefully one day you have a kid and they get 0:12:27.920 --> 0:12:32.160 to drink some tea and hold a lady's hand and 0:12:32.240 --> 0:12:37.360 walk down the street, and you know, it's pretty good. 0:12:37.400 --> 0:12:43.440 That's worth it. That's worth it. So I don't know 0:12:43.440 --> 0:12:45.360 what was I what was the point of this rant 0:12:45.400 --> 0:12:48.720 that I'm going on right now. But yeah, it's true, 0:12:48.720 --> 0:12:53.720 death is easy, but but you should do it. You 0:12:53.720 --> 0:12:56.040 should do life. You should do it. You should do life. 0:12:56.080 --> 0:13:00.000 You should opt out. I don't. I don't. Uh yeah, 0:13:00.040 --> 0:13:02.600 I've thought I again the past three months, going insane. 0:13:02.640 --> 0:13:04.559 I was like I was like, I want to opt out. 0:13:04.559 --> 0:13:06.160 I want to you know, you know what I mean. 0:13:06.360 --> 0:13:08.800 You know when I opt out, opt in, give it 0:13:08.840 --> 0:13:14.040 a shot. You know. This is all I'm I'm I 0:13:14.120 --> 0:13:16.800 drank too much coffee. This is all pointless rambling. But 0:13:16.840 --> 0:13:21.280 this is I'm just speaking of my own thoughts. But 0:13:21.280 --> 0:13:22.959 I don't want to do ayahuasca because I don't want 0:13:22.960 --> 0:13:25.560 to be too I don't want to be too connected 0:13:25.559 --> 0:13:29.240 to the universe in like crazy psychedelic ways. You can 0:13:29.240 --> 0:13:31.400 be connected to the universe by going on a by 0:13:31.559 --> 0:13:34.760 by drinking a glass of water and walking down the street, 0:13:34.920 --> 0:13:37.240 you know, cod I don't want to. I don't want 0:13:37.240 --> 0:13:39.400 to be too conscious. I don't want to get up 0:13:39.440 --> 0:13:42.760 to some crazy level of whatever, whatever crazy level of 0:13:42.800 --> 0:13:45.200 consciousness that ayahuasca is supposed to give you. I don't 0:13:45.200 --> 0:13:50.800 want that. That sounds that sounds burdensome. I enjoy, uh, 0:13:51.120 --> 0:13:55.280 I even enjoy being pissed off now that truly, like 0:13:55.360 --> 0:13:57.360 after having a I've been thinking about, like after having 0:13:57.360 --> 0:14:02.959 like a weird existential crisis, I actually enjoy now because 0:14:03.080 --> 0:14:09.120 like the total opposite of consciousness is like, uh, when 0:14:09.120 --> 0:14:12.280 you're like pissed off about something stupid, you know, what 0:14:12.360 --> 0:14:15.560 I mean, Like, like if you're like, if you're at 0:14:15.600 --> 0:14:18.880 a restaurant and you order coke and they only have 0:14:18.920 --> 0:14:22.080 pepsi and you're like pissed off about it, You're doing 0:14:22.200 --> 0:14:25.080 so great, you know what I mean. You're you're so 0:14:25.200 --> 0:14:28.040 deeply connected to reality. Every time I find myself like 0:14:28.040 --> 0:14:32.040 like I'm driving whatever, If I'm driving a car and 0:14:32.120 --> 0:14:35.880 someone like uh cuts me off or something, and I'm 0:14:35.880 --> 0:14:38.880 like pissed off, I'm like, oh shit, I'm that was 0:14:38.920 --> 0:14:41.480 That's so oh crap, this is a background noise. Who cares? 0:14:41.520 --> 0:14:44.600 All right, there's so what was I saying anything. I'm like, 0:14:44.600 --> 0:14:47.640 every time I get pissed off about something stupid, I'm like, oh, 0:14:47.680 --> 0:14:51.560 this is great. I missed this. I missed that. You're 0:14:51.600 --> 0:14:54.400 so you're connected to reality in that moment that you're 0:14:54.480 --> 0:14:57.800 just pissed off that someone cut you off in traffic. 0:14:59.160 --> 0:15:01.600 You know. Okay, all right, let's keep going. I don't 0:15:01.600 --> 0:15:06.120 know what I'm talking about. Here we go, all right? 0:15:06.280 --> 0:15:11.400 This is from Subha subject line love is the point 0:15:11.440 --> 0:15:16.120 of living? Right? What if I never love? Hello, my 0:15:16.240 --> 0:15:19.640 dear friend Lyle. Ever since I can remember, I've thought 0:15:19.800 --> 0:15:23.440 love was the whole point of life. Whenever I went 0:15:23.520 --> 0:15:26.720 through a tough time, I would think, once I find 0:15:26.720 --> 0:15:29.840 someone who truly loves me, all of this will be 0:15:29.880 --> 0:15:33.400 worth it. And it's not like I thought highly of 0:15:33.440 --> 0:15:36.880 myself or even felt like I deserved love. I was 0:15:36.920 --> 0:15:40.120 a brown girl growing up in the South and Midwest 0:15:40.440 --> 0:15:43.720 who couldn't understand how other girls could dream about their 0:15:43.760 --> 0:15:47.840 wedding day, because how were they so sure someone would 0:15:47.880 --> 0:15:52.160 ever love them enough to marry them. Hold on one second, Brandon, 0:15:52.160 --> 0:15:56.120 I'm seeing if I I think my external microphone is 0:15:56.160 --> 0:15:59.160 connected to this thing. Okay, it looks like it did. 0:15:59.240 --> 0:16:02.400 Hold me, I'm gonna check real quick. Okay, hold on, Bradon, 0:16:02.400 --> 0:16:04.680 I'm gonna make it another Wait. Actually, I don't even 0:16:04.680 --> 0:16:06.320 need do I need to do that? Okay, hold I'm 0:16:06.320 --> 0:16:12.440 gonna make it. I'm gonna start a new recording. Okay, 0:16:12.480 --> 0:16:15.960 all right, all right, let's hear into this. But through 0:16:16.040 --> 0:16:22.760 times full of suicidal ideations, academic failures, and difficult familiar relationships, 0:16:23.200 --> 0:16:25.720 I would dream of a love that would make it 0:16:25.800 --> 0:16:30.160 all worth it. My first real love was complicated and 0:16:30.280 --> 0:16:33.760 tense and honestly traumatic, and feeling that love did not 0:16:33.840 --> 0:16:36.960 make me feel any more lovable, which was odd to me. 0:16:37.600 --> 0:16:41.920 I'm still heavily emotionally attached to this person, but I 0:16:42.000 --> 0:16:44.640 know I will get over them with time. It hurts 0:16:44.720 --> 0:16:48.800 right now, but it's not unbearable. I just can't imagine 0:16:48.800 --> 0:16:51.120 myself being in a relationship where I feel like I'm 0:16:51.160 --> 0:16:54.760 actually worth the other person's love and affection. I know 0:16:54.840 --> 0:16:57.600 people say you should love yourself and not seek external 0:16:57.680 --> 0:17:01.040 validation from a significant other, but there's love you can 0:17:01.080 --> 0:17:04.760 feel from another person that will never come from yourself 0:17:05.080 --> 0:17:08.720 and makes you feel whole. Imagine someone deciding to live 0:17:08.760 --> 0:17:13.040 with you through all your mundane moments. That's beautiful. How 0:17:13.040 --> 0:17:16.960 do I get over feeling unlovable? The self racism and 0:17:17.040 --> 0:17:20.800 learned feelings of hatred toward myself is so hard to undo. 0:17:21.640 --> 0:17:25.320 Sorry for being so negative. Appreciate your work and I 0:17:25.320 --> 0:17:27.480 hope you know your loved and listeners, I hope you 0:17:27.520 --> 0:17:32.120 know your loved as well, And give me a second 0:17:32.160 --> 0:17:34.159 to think about this, because I'm actually gonna try. I'm 0:17:34.160 --> 0:17:38.359 really going to try to like pull from like a 0:17:38.359 --> 0:17:44.600 little bit of my own experiences or thoughts with this shit, 0:17:44.720 --> 0:17:50.320 because I have Okay, so in my I think I 0:17:50.359 --> 0:17:52.040 think back like a lot on like my my in 0:17:52.119 --> 0:17:57.480 my personal life, right I go through I've always gone 0:17:57.520 --> 0:18:02.399 through I think like cycles. Well, like, I've had so 0:18:02.520 --> 0:18:05.560 many cycles in my life where I'm just like, the 0:18:05.600 --> 0:18:10.760 only fucking thing that I care about is finding a girlfriend. 0:18:11.240 --> 0:18:14.919 It's like finding like all like you write everything you're saying, right, 0:18:15.000 --> 0:18:16.760 like finding love, finding someone to have it like your 0:18:16.800 --> 0:18:19.680 mandane moments with and I've gone through. I've got it's 0:18:19.720 --> 0:18:23.200 it's for for me personally, it's been very cyclical where 0:18:23.200 --> 0:18:27.000 I'm like, I need to find another person to complete me. 0:18:27.520 --> 0:18:31.800 And and when I am in that cycle, you cannot 0:18:31.800 --> 0:18:35.120 convince me otherwise. You know. I've been in cycles where 0:18:35.160 --> 0:18:39.199 I'm like, there is no like you're fucking saying, there 0:18:39.280 --> 0:18:44.960 is no external there is no like thing that can 0:18:45.000 --> 0:18:50.359 come from me that will match the peace, uh and 0:18:50.400 --> 0:18:54.600 the serenity of like of like love, in of like 0:18:54.720 --> 0:18:56.680 romantic love. I mean that's why, I mean, that's why 0:18:56.960 --> 0:19:01.200 every fucking song on the planet Earth was written about 0:19:01.200 --> 0:19:05.600 this ship, you know, and I think it would be 0:19:07.240 --> 0:19:09.560 and I don't know. By the way, just so you know, 0:19:09.640 --> 0:19:11.960 I don't have advice on this, but this is just 0:19:12.000 --> 0:19:14.800 I'm just gonna ponder it. I don't have advice This 0:19:14.880 --> 0:19:17.880 is not advice. This is just you bring you bring 0:19:17.960 --> 0:19:21.399 up in interesting life conundrum and I'm thinking about my 0:19:21.440 --> 0:19:25.400 personal experience and I'm pondering it with you right now. 0:19:25.480 --> 0:19:27.920 So I don't have advice. But this is just my ponders, 0:19:30.600 --> 0:19:35.320 you know how fun? What was I saying? Cycles? Yes, 0:19:35.359 --> 0:19:38.520 I've been thereugh cycles, And then I've also emerged from 0:19:38.520 --> 0:19:42.760 those cycles feeling the opposite way, where I'm like, hey, 0:19:42.760 --> 0:19:46.320 you know what, I'm just gonna truly enjoy life. And 0:19:46.359 --> 0:19:49.680 this is this is this is again, this is coming 0:19:49.720 --> 0:19:55.199 from a I have genuinely felt, well on, I have 0:19:55.240 --> 0:19:59.200 to sneeze. I have to sneeze. Let's keep this in. 0:20:00.040 --> 0:20:07.960 This is important. Fuck hold on, fuck okay, all right, 0:20:07.960 --> 0:20:10.879 we're keeping that in. What is it that I have 0:20:10.920 --> 0:20:13.479 gone through cycles in my life where I genuinely felt 0:20:13.680 --> 0:20:18.080 unconvinced you could not convince me otherwise that life was 0:20:18.200 --> 0:20:24.919 worth living if you didn't have a significant other, you know, 0:20:25.600 --> 0:20:29.199 And then I've I don't know how, but I've just just, 0:20:29.240 --> 0:20:36.840 through time or whatever, just emerged from that into a 0:20:36.880 --> 0:20:41.160 mode of existing where I'm like, you know, that would 0:20:41.200 --> 0:20:47.479 be cool. It is undeniably a unique feeling and a 0:20:47.520 --> 0:20:53.320 powerful feeling and a you know, important part of life. 0:20:53.720 --> 0:20:56.760 Like you can't deny that, yes, no, because it bothers you, right, 0:20:56.880 --> 0:20:59.280 bothers you when people are like, oh, you should love 0:20:59.320 --> 0:21:02.000 yourself and this and that and the other thing. Because 0:21:04.200 --> 0:21:07.440 when you're like in this email, when you're like, there's 0:21:07.440 --> 0:21:10.920 nothing that compares to that, it's true. You're right that 0:21:11.040 --> 0:21:15.600 there is that that kind of love and that kind 0:21:15.640 --> 0:21:19.760 of thing. That's a that's a one of one experience, 0:21:20.200 --> 0:21:23.680 undeniably so undeniably. So I think I think it's a 0:21:23.840 --> 0:21:26.240 I think it's a lie to tell people that it's not. 0:21:29.119 --> 0:21:37.840 But that doesn't mean that if you don't have it 0:21:38.760 --> 0:21:44.120 right fucking now, that your life has to be ship, 0:21:44.920 --> 0:21:49.960 you know what I mean. And also, and you've probably 0:21:50.119 --> 0:21:52.560 I'm sure you've been told this a billion times, whoever 0:21:52.600 --> 0:21:59.520 wrote this email. It's paradoxical, right, because the more you 0:21:59.640 --> 0:22:05.399 chase after it, the more people can people can smell desperation. 0:22:06.160 --> 0:22:10.359 The more you you chase after that, the more that 0:22:11.359 --> 0:22:14.880 it eludes you. That's a classic. It's a total classic. 0:22:16.560 --> 0:22:20.520 And then you get into this uh contradictory state of 0:22:20.560 --> 0:22:25.080 being where you want something so badly and everyone's telling 0:22:25.119 --> 0:22:27.040 you that the only way to get this thing that 0:22:27.080 --> 0:22:30.239 you want is to not want it, and then you 0:22:30.280 --> 0:22:33.320 don't want it, and then it's easy. It's it's it's 0:22:33.359 --> 0:22:41.879 a difficult thing to manage. Although I again, thinking back, 0:22:42.440 --> 0:22:44.840 I'm just just from my own life when I've been 0:22:44.840 --> 0:22:47.760 in the cycle of like, oh, all all that matters 0:22:47.840 --> 0:22:50.560 in life is having a is having a girlfriend and 0:22:50.600 --> 0:22:58.200 having this kind of love I have, Like I keep 0:22:58.240 --> 0:23:01.119 I keep a journal. I keep a journal of like 0:23:01.200 --> 0:23:04.400 my thoughts and feelings and stuff. And I've I look 0:23:04.520 --> 0:23:09.400 back at some journals that I've written from those periods 0:23:09.400 --> 0:23:11.760 of time where I was in that cycle where I 0:23:11.760 --> 0:23:13.800 thought that that was all that mattered, and I was 0:23:14.000 --> 0:23:18.480 and I was reading thoughts that I had during those cycles, 0:23:18.920 --> 0:23:21.879 and I was like and I was like, this, fuck it. 0:23:21.920 --> 0:23:24.760 Hold on my second, there's there's some background noise. We 0:23:24.760 --> 0:23:29.000 can keep this, we can keep this in. Yeah, I forgot. 0:23:29.040 --> 0:23:34.520 I was in a hotel. Am I'm probably screaming. I 0:23:34.560 --> 0:23:36.159 don't think there's any I don't know if there's that 0:23:36.200 --> 0:23:39.520 many other people staying at this hotel, So maybe it's okay. 0:23:40.000 --> 0:23:41.960 It's also in the middle of the day, but I 0:23:42.000 --> 0:23:43.760 guess that doesn't make it Okay, I don't think I'm screaming. 0:23:43.800 --> 0:23:46.480 I'm talking loudly. Maybe I'm screaming a little bit. Was 0:23:46.480 --> 0:23:48.080 I gonna say, Oh, yes, Okay. So I keep a 0:23:48.160 --> 0:23:53.200 journal and I've written, I've read, I've reread like journal 0:23:53.359 --> 0:23:56.720 entries that I've made from that time, and I've been 0:23:56.840 --> 0:24:00.600 like this, and I've been like, this guy is not 0:24:00.760 --> 0:24:07.280 healthy enough to even be in what he wants. You 0:24:07.359 --> 0:24:11.920 know what I'm saying. I'm like you, I'm I'm really 0:24:11.960 --> 0:24:14.480 like I've been in again, like healthier states of mind 0:24:15.040 --> 0:24:17.480 where I'm not in the in the state of mind 0:24:17.480 --> 0:24:19.280 where I'm like, oh, this is all that matters, and 0:24:19.320 --> 0:24:21.159 I'm kind of like I just like life. I'm just 0:24:21.160 --> 0:24:25.200 feeling peaceful and happy on my own. And when I'm 0:24:25.200 --> 0:24:27.560 in that state, I'll read journal entries that I wrote 0:24:27.600 --> 0:24:29.639 when I wasn't in that state, when I was like, 0:24:30.000 --> 0:24:37.320 you know, obsessed with finding a relationship, and I'll be like, dude, 0:24:37.320 --> 0:24:41.120 this is this is and I'm like it's and it'll 0:24:41.119 --> 0:24:46.000 I'll just see so clearly that what everyone says about 0:24:46.040 --> 0:24:49.639 how you need to not want it for it to 0:24:49.760 --> 0:24:51.639 come to you or for you to even be you know, 0:24:52.000 --> 0:25:00.639 truly eligible for it. It's true. This is true. So 0:25:01.640 --> 0:25:03.560 I don't know what to do with that information. I 0:25:03.560 --> 0:25:05.800 don't know what kind of advice is to be gleaned 0:25:06.119 --> 0:25:12.640 from that observation. But yeah, how do you get out 0:25:12.680 --> 0:25:18.000 of that cycle and into more of the cycle of like, oh, 0:25:18.040 --> 0:25:21.960 I really genuinely feel peaceful on my own and also 0:25:22.040 --> 0:25:23.959 the whole like I feel like it's a thing of like, 0:25:25.640 --> 0:25:30.320 you know what, feeling peaceful on your own, and then 0:25:31.200 --> 0:25:33.040 still you still have to make an effort. You know, 0:25:33.080 --> 0:25:35.879