Speaker 1: Loyalty should be earned, not expected. Bars bars. I like
Speaker 1: that one. The question is can loyalty be regained? Dead ass? Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises. You may know us
Speaker 1: from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each
Speaker 1: other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make
Speaker 1: you need derby most days. Wow. Oh, and one more
Speaker 1: important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created
Speaker 1: this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most
Speaker 1: taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about
Speaker 1: through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead ass
Speaker 1: is the term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 1: we say dead asks, we're actually saying facts, the truth,
Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about
Speaker 1: to take Phillow Talk to a whole new level. Dead
Speaker 1: ass starts right now. So what story time, baby story.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take y'all back to a very funny story
Speaker 1: that's not funny to some people here, some people here.
Speaker 1: Let me it's a traumatic story. Let me think about
Speaker 1: what this one could be. The year this was sera
Speaker 1: what a circle? Two thousand and nine? The way back?
Speaker 1: All right? Okay? Um, Codeine was in her makeup groove.
Speaker 1: This was she was freelance makeup artists on top of
Speaker 1: working at Montague at the time. Or was no, it
Speaker 1: was you started at kings Plaza, started work Alaza Cosmetic.
Speaker 1: Shout out to Max. So we had just moved back
Speaker 1: from Canton, Michigan. Four bedroom home, full finished basements, uh,
Speaker 1: living room, dining room, four years space, driveway to everything.
Speaker 1: Codeine decided that she wanted to move back to Brooklyn
Speaker 1: to be next to her family because she's really big
Speaker 1: on family. She don't want to live in in Michigan. Um,
Speaker 1: I just got released. I said, let's live in Michigan
Speaker 1: because we have a home here, I have a name
Speaker 1: here in Michigan. I was working at the University of
Speaker 1: Michigan as a learning coordinator, so I was making some money.
Speaker 1: Was plans on building a business. Becase like, let's moved back.
Speaker 1: So I was like, fine, we can move back. If
Speaker 1: this is what you want, baby, my fiance wife to be,
Speaker 1: this is what we're gonna do. So we moved back
Speaker 1: and my grandmother's apartment was available. When I first got
Speaker 1: into the NFL, my grandmother had moved to Virginia and
Speaker 1: she had an apartment that was rent controlled. She had
Speaker 1: put me on the least. I took over the payments.
Speaker 1: The payments were real low. I think at the time
Speaker 1: it was nine dollars for that apartment. You'll all seeing
Speaker 1: us growing our three bedrooms, a four a living room,
Speaker 1: dining room, two bathrooms, a huge apartment. Every room in
Speaker 1: the apartment had a window, which is something you don't
Speaker 1: find in apartments nowadays. Was a corner apartment. So we
Speaker 1: moved back. But what's the one key thing? So Bara
Speaker 1: was mad. My grandparents had moved to Virginia. They hadn't
Speaker 1: lived in it for years. Uh, two of my friends
Speaker 1: had moved into the apartment in the interim while I
Speaker 1: wasn't there, and they did not keep the apartment up.
Speaker 1: The department wasn't renovated. Um, it was just bad. It was.
Speaker 1: It was all bad. So Kay was just like, how
Speaker 1: come we can't just find a place in Canarsi where
Speaker 1: we grew up with the houses. I said, no, listen
Speaker 1: to me, all right, listen, this this place is going
Speaker 1: to go through gentrification. The Barclay Center is gonna come
Speaker 1: here in about three or four years. Remember this, two
Speaker 1: thousand and three or four years they just broke ground
Speaker 1: in the Barclay Center. Everything's gonna change. These apartments are
Speaker 1: gonna turn to condos, and when they do, we're gonna
Speaker 1: get an inside track and we can make some money
Speaker 1: off of them. So she was like, whatever, devout. But
Speaker 1: at the time Crown Heights where we lived with Crown,
Speaker 1: it was Crown Heights. Crown Heights. The street we lived
Speaker 1: around the corner from lcol Name. The street was murderous
Speaker 1: role when we first he didn't tell me that there
Speaker 1: were two murders on the very street that we delivered.
Speaker 1: The adjacent street two murders right before we moved there.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna tell her this because I had a
Speaker 1: plan and exactly and when my mom was like, you're
Speaker 1: moving my dogter weird? Where when When when she put
Speaker 1: the agent from the w where I knew she was concerned,
Speaker 1: I said, I got We're good. I got this. So
Speaker 1: we moved back to Crown Heights. Codeine has to wake
Speaker 1: up in the morning and she has to go do
Speaker 1: a wedding. Right, she has to do a wedding. And
Speaker 1: Codeine and I had always had this conversation about her
Speaker 1: parking and leaving the lights on while she's looking for
Speaker 1: parking and just having her door open after she parks,
Speaker 1: because at our apartment building there were apartments everywhere, so
Speaker 1: people watch you as you park. The first night we
Speaker 1: stayed in the apartment, Codeine goes down to get her
Speaker 1: and I told this story before. She goes down to
Speaker 1: get her person the morning, right, and when she gets there,
Speaker 1: her purse is gone. They broke into the window stole
Speaker 1: the person from there. I told her, like, yo, you
Speaker 1: can't leave stuff on the front of the the car,
Speaker 1: the front car seat it was, it was the floor
Speaker 1: of She claims it was the floor. I think it was.
Speaker 1: So I'm telling you that to give you context. This
Speaker 1: night in particular, Codeine and I get home and we
Speaker 1: both had cars. We're circling for parking. Right Conein finds
Speaker 1: a parking spot right on the edge of the corner
Speaker 1: and I'm still circling. When I circle, Codeine is taking
Speaker 1: her makeup bag and putting it inside the car. She
Speaker 1: got two doors open, the trunk open, and the dome
Speaker 1: light is on, and she's taking this big bag from
Speaker 1: the trunk and putting it in the car. And I'm
Speaker 1: driving by and I'm like, hey, turn the light off,
Speaker 1: closed the door closed on. She's like, what what why?
Speaker 1: And I'm like, you can't have people watching you put
Speaker 1: stuff in your car and then go upstairs. She's like,
Speaker 1: don't worry about the valve we had parked. We got
Speaker 1: there like one o'clock, one o'clock and she had to
Speaker 1: be up at five. I'm only gonna be there for
Speaker 1: a little bit. So now the morning comes, she leaves.
Speaker 1: I'm laying there in the bed. My phone rings every
Speaker 1: time she goes downstairs, and my phone rings two minutes
Speaker 1: after she leaves. I know there's a problem. She gets downstairs,
Speaker 1: my phone rings and says, the balls on it. I say,
Speaker 1: what's up, baby? This is all I hear? Why? What
Speaker 1: about why? I said, what happened? Baby? Okay, they stole
Speaker 1: all my makeup. I said all of it. She said,
Speaker 1: all my fucking makeup, every piece, every brush, every foundation
Speaker 1: is gone. The whole bank is gone. I got a
Speaker 1: whole wedding. What I supposed to do? Why day? I
Speaker 1: had a wedding of thirteen women to do. I had
Speaker 1: to be in Long Island by six thirty am. So
Speaker 1: I um, I remained calm. I said, um, can you
Speaker 1: go buy makeup and she was like, I gotta go
Speaker 1: buy let's make up right now, not mentioned that thousands
Speaker 1: of dollars where to make up that point in fact,
Speaker 1: So she goes, just I'll figure it out, hangs up
Speaker 1: the phone. Right I'm like, damn, this is this is
Speaker 1: all bad right now? She ends up calling one of
Speaker 1: her fellow makeup artists, getting her brushes, getting getting all
Speaker 1: the makeup done. I was able to make the money
Speaker 1: and come back home. She came back home, sat on
Speaker 1: my lap and just sobbed a little bit and was
Speaker 1: just like, I can't believe this is where we are.
Speaker 1: But in that moment she came back home and she
Speaker 1: looked at me, I realized like how loyal she was
Speaker 1: because she could have went and stayed with her parents,
Speaker 1: she could have went into so many other things, but
Speaker 1: she decided to stick it out with me. And probably
Speaker 1: the worst time of our lives collectively that we had
Speaker 1: been in at this point, because we met in college scholarships,
Speaker 1: NFL money house to now having to figure stuff out.
Speaker 1: And it was at that moment that I realized, you
Speaker 1: know what, sirls loyal got a rider, bro ride it
Speaker 1: die there. You d try if you d a t
Speaker 1: I need to ride and get some street smarts. Because
Speaker 1: about that, I was like, what are you doing? It's
Speaker 1: that private house life facts, baby, this karaoke thing. To me, Baby,
Speaker 1: I said, I'm geek and I'm fined. Hey, all I
Speaker 1: want to not is just getting had girl. You look
Speaker 1: so good to die for for real though? Whoa it's
Speaker 1: a secret society? Oh you ask his truss? Oh my god. Loyalty, loyalty, loyalty, loyalty, loyalty, loyalty.
Speaker 1: How fit was that? Actually? Perfect? Perfect? And it was
Speaker 1: accurate the lyrics and die for it too. Let me
Speaker 1: so talk to me your thought process. First of all,
Speaker 1: I trusted you and whatever vision you had set for
Speaker 1: us right away, and I always have from from early
Speaker 1: I want to say, even from our very first conversation
Speaker 1: that we had um. But we when we met up
Speaker 1: at Hashtra that one day when I had the event
Speaker 1: and we sat sat on your bed and I eat
Speaker 1: that here when we were talking, I always really just
Speaker 1: was like, man, this within minutes of meeting you, I
Speaker 1: knew that this was a dude with charisma, he knew
Speaker 1: what he wanted, he had somewhat of a plan to
Speaker 1: get there. So I always believed and knew that. Um.
Speaker 1: So in this this particular story you know, um, that
Speaker 1: movie back that we did, like you said, from the
Speaker 1: NFL having a place in Michigan to then having to
Speaker 1: start over again, it was never a thought in my
Speaker 1: mind to bail on you because things then kind of
Speaker 1: took a turn for the worst, and I wouldn't even
Speaker 1: necessarily say the worst, but just coming from where we
Speaker 1: were in that place to then having to be back
Speaker 1: in Brooklyn, the recession hit, all of the investment moneys
Speaker 1: that we had put aside, everything got lost, so there
Speaker 1: was the rebuilding that had to happen. Um. But I
Speaker 1: want to say that I always fully believed in you.
Speaker 1: I fully believed in our vision that we had for
Speaker 1: ourselves together, um, collectively and also as individuals. So it
Speaker 1: was really easy for me despite those moments of you know,
Speaker 1: what I felt like was turmoil at the time, I
Speaker 1: also felt like at the very end, at least we
Speaker 1: had each other. But it was never a thought for
Speaker 1: me to be like, I got to just find a
Speaker 1: way to do this on my own. I'm like, if
Speaker 1: we're gonna struggle, we might as well struggle together, you know,
Speaker 1: So I'm going to disclose something to you that in
Speaker 1: front of everybody that a lot of people asked me
Speaker 1: at the time time, Right, if I own a house
Speaker 1: in Michigan, I have a name in Michigan, I had
Speaker 1: a job in Michigan. You had a job in Michigan.
Speaker 1: Why would I allow your wanting to move back to
Speaker 1: Brooklyn to uproot us and come back to Brooklyn and
Speaker 1: start all over when I already had something in Michigan.
Speaker 1: And my thought process was, I believed in us. I
Speaker 1: believed in you because at this point it wasn't just
Speaker 1: about me carrying everything, because I had carried everything for
Speaker 1: those three years. Now I knew I was going to
Speaker 1: have to rely on you while I rebuilt. And the
Speaker 1: same way you trusted me and and you believed in me,
Speaker 1: I believed in you. So for me, it wasn't just
Speaker 1: about Okay, I gotta leave my job here in Michigan
Speaker 1: and leave my home here in Michigan. Because the our
Speaker 1: mortgage in Michigan at the time was four hundred dollars
Speaker 1: and we were leaving this big home and a job
Speaker 1: where I was making more than enough money to cover
Speaker 1: the mortgage, and you were making money because you were
Speaker 1: working as Uh, you're working at math back of the
Speaker 1: more later Michigan. So I felt like we could we
Speaker 1: could build something in Michigan faster than Brooklyn. But I
Speaker 1: wanted you to be happy. I never saw Michigan as
Speaker 1: home either. I felt like I didn't even we were
Speaker 1: at a transition point in our life, and I felt like,
Speaker 1: all right, if we're going to build a home base,
Speaker 1: we're looking to be married too and possibly have a
Speaker 1: child soon. I just wanted to go where the support was,
Speaker 1: and the support was back in Brooklyn, you know. But
Speaker 1: I know you were kind of torn about that at
Speaker 1: the time, like should we go or should we not? UM?
Speaker 1: I was torn because, Um, financially, it would have made
Speaker 1: so much more sense for us to stay in Michigan
Speaker 1: because after we left Michigan, I had to rent out
Speaker 1: the home, and every month the home wasn't rented out,
Speaker 1: I would have had to pay. You know what I'm
Speaker 1: saying that we were struggling financially because I had that home.
Speaker 1: I had the home in uh Tennessee. You know, I
Speaker 1: had all of the car notes and everything. So it
Speaker 1: was a big risk. But like you said, you trusted me,
Speaker 1: and I trusted you and not for nothing. That wasn't
Speaker 1: the very first time you ever showed loyalty to me.
Speaker 1: I remember when um, I separated my shoulder and you
Speaker 1: and I and this this is not really just loyalty,
Speaker 1: but I separated my shoulder in college and I had
Speaker 1: to sleep sitting up to prepare for next week. And
Speaker 1: you came out and you sat up with me and
Speaker 1: slept up with me. And this was before the whole NFL.
Speaker 1: Because a lot of people think, oh, it's easy for
Speaker 1: Codeine to say I'm loyal to the vow because he
Speaker 1: was going to the NFL. I was a hundred and
Speaker 1: fifty six pound wide receiver at Hofstra University. I was
Speaker 1: not a six five, two hundred and thirty pound receiver
Speaker 1: at Alabama with a first round grade. So when someone
Speaker 1: does that for you, it's not like, oh, I can
Speaker 1: see the first round glitz and glamour. I had never
Speaker 1: even talked to you about being the NFL great. It
Speaker 1: was just about I can get to a practice squad.
Speaker 1: Maybe I feel like the beginning when we met, you
Speaker 1: never spoke about the NFL. That was never like it
Speaker 1: was a conversation. It kind of just happened. I think
Speaker 1: once your junior year hit. Maybe it was like, okay,
Speaker 1: maybe I could. It was an opportunity. This didn't get
Speaker 1: a little bit nestic to start things off. But it
Speaker 1: wasn't And it wasn't even like I was gonna play
Speaker 1: five years and make millions. It was I can make
Speaker 1: a practice buy the time. You can only be in
Speaker 1: a practice quad two years. So I was like, if
Speaker 1: I could make a hundred thousand dollars in four months
Speaker 1: and then repeat it a hundred dollollars in four months,
Speaker 1: then we'll be good. But um, yeah, Like to me,
Speaker 1: loyalty is earned over time. Right. So many people talk
Speaker 1: about loyalty, and when they talk about loyalty, they create
Speaker 1: a list of things you have to follow of mind
Speaker 1: in order to be considered loyal. And I'm the older
Speaker 1: I get. I realized, like, you cannot have real loyalty
Speaker 1: without hardships, because loyalty has to be tried and tested,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. When you're going through the words,
Speaker 1: even even through infidelity or cheating, you can make a
Speaker 1: poor decision, or someone can make a poor decision, right,
Speaker 1: and that doesn't always show a disloyal act. A poor
Speaker 1: decision isn't a disloyal act. Disloyal acts are continuously making
Speaker 1: selfish decisions because you have something to gain and you're
Speaker 1: not thinking about your partner. You make a poor choice.
Speaker 1: Because I don ever believe in mistakes. It's not mistakes
Speaker 1: unless someone trips and falls on your dick. That's that's
Speaker 1: that's the only thing that's a mistake. Trip and fold
Speaker 1: on the dick. That's that's the only way it could
Speaker 1: be a mistake. Right that that's an accident. You sleep,
Speaker 1: somebody accidentally fell on my dick, and not to do
Speaker 1: about that. Sorry, big. But if you make a poor decision,
Speaker 1: it's how you respond to making that poor decision, which
Speaker 1: shows loyalty. Right, So you make a poor decision, you realize,
Speaker 1: damn I did that. I was selfish. Okay, it hurt
Speaker 1: my partner? Now did it hurt my partner? Loyalty can
Speaker 1: because you asked that loyalty can be regained. It's like,
Speaker 1: can I show my partner that I'm loyal by doing
Speaker 1: anything or everything possible to get her trust back or
Speaker 1: his trust back? You understand what I'm saying. It's also
Speaker 1: to being receptive to the change that you see and
Speaker 1: not living in that moment. Because it has to happen
Speaker 1: a lot of times if the trust is broken. For example,
Speaker 1: because we have a list of things here that loyal
Speaker 1: is trust, open communication, partnership, authenticity, UM, lasting companionship, commitment
Speaker 1: to the relationship, patients UM strong conflict resolution skills, mutual support,
Speaker 1: having each other's backs. Those are so many things that
Speaker 1: can go under the loyalty umbrella. But sometimes it's easier
Speaker 1: said than done. If the loyalty is broken, then you
Speaker 1: kind of have to convince yourself is this something that
Speaker 1: I want to work towards? Re kind of extending that
Speaker 1: olive branch to the person and saying, is this loyalty
Speaker 1: something that we want to I can regain gain? And
Speaker 1: I think that the only thing I'll say about this
Speaker 1: list is says loyalty is all of these things. You
Speaker 1: would have to add the caveat all of these things
Speaker 1: through hardships and adversity. It's easy to be loyal to
Speaker 1: someone when everything is going good. Yeah, and what environment? Yeah,
Speaker 1: of course everything. It's easy to be loyal to this purpose,
Speaker 1: this person because you get everything you want from that person.
Speaker 1: But what about when that person isn't doing every thing
Speaker 1: that you want them to? Do Are you still going
Speaker 1: to be loyal to this person? Because loyalty, You know,
Speaker 1: people say loyalty is not conditional, You just loyalty. Why
Speaker 1: why would you be blindly loyal to somebody without building
Speaker 1: the trust with someone and through those trusts that have
Speaker 1: to be hardships. Because if everything is perfect and the
Speaker 1: first time something doesn't go your way and you bail,
Speaker 1: then you're not loyal. You understand what I'm saying. It
Speaker 1: can't just be I'm gonna be loyal as long as
Speaker 1: you follow all my rules, because that's slavery, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. And and and sometimes people and I
Speaker 1: saw a meme the other day saying that people people
Speaker 1: these days want emotional slaves. You know, they want people
Speaker 1: to just adhere to all of their needs and wants.
Speaker 1: And I I need kind of society that we're in now. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: we've already spoken about how no relationship can survive with
Speaker 1: the memia mentality. I'm glad you brought that up. You
Speaker 1: want to know why loyalty can only be gained through service?
Speaker 1: You know, see what I'm saying, How do I how
Speaker 1: do I know if this person will be loyal to
Speaker 1: me through service? Will they will they service me? How
Speaker 1: do I? How did this person know if I'll be
Speaker 1: loyal to them through service? Right, it's all about services.
Speaker 1: I have to do acts to show you that I'm
Speaker 1: a loyal person. So those acts are almost like tests
Speaker 1: in a sense, going back to saying that being tested
Speaker 1: for loyalty, to test to see how someone will respond
Speaker 1: within a particular situation, or you think it's more just
Speaker 1: see that's a good question. I wouldn't say tests because
Speaker 1: you shouldn't be with whether it's your friends, your partners,
Speaker 1: your bins. You don't want to walking out time and
Speaker 1: see how loyal they are. No, it's it's service. Does
Speaker 1: this person need anything? Well, when I say tests, I'm
Speaker 1: more so mean like a situation may occur, okay, and
Speaker 1: then how they respond to that in that moment then
Speaker 1: gives you a kind of like that that marker. Yes. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: for for example, we've had tests that claim in our
Speaker 1: relationship in different ways, different forms, not just I think
Speaker 1: also two people think of loyalty and they think of
Speaker 1: like fidelity all the time. That's the first thing that
Speaker 1: comes to mind, But there are also other ways to
Speaker 1: not be loyal to someone. Absolutely, the number one reason
Speaker 1: why people lose their partner and they think it's infidelity,
Speaker 1: it's not. It's financial reasons. People become uncomfortable in their
Speaker 1: lifestyle because something changed and they can't live the way
Speaker 1: they want to live, and they begun. They begin to
Speaker 1: become disloyal. For example, use us right, I've started to
Speaker 1: build something for us in Michigan at the time because
Speaker 1: I was working. You wasn't working right, We had no
Speaker 1: infidelity issues at that time. You decide I want to
Speaker 1: go back to Brooklyn and and live with my family
Speaker 1: because you're not in the NFL anymore. And now I
Speaker 1: have to work, and now I have to work in
Speaker 1: them all. I'm leaving. That had nothing to do with infidelity.
Speaker 1: What happens. It became a little bit uncomfor a change happened,
Speaker 1: and now you can make a decision where you know
Speaker 1: what the run is over, you know the valiin making
Speaker 1: this money no more. I'm gonna go do something else
Speaker 1: or go find somebody else. That was a possibility. You
Speaker 1: could have done that. You know what saying was bad.
Speaker 1: I'm talking the past tense. Now you're still you still
Speaker 1: ain't put on my good wig for no reason. Yes,
Speaker 1: the good the good cis got the good wig on
Speaker 1: right now, right, but the lace, so I'll put the
Speaker 1: hat on. I was just pretending like this was a
Speaker 1: merch drop. But one day, one day, you gotta just
Speaker 1: take the hat off so they can see what the
Speaker 1: lace look like. So y'all can see what I see.
Speaker 1: The whole meme at that point. And you're about to
Speaker 1: have me do that because we were a bunch of
Speaker 1: memes right now. But you're not gonna catch me with
Speaker 1: a bad lace front. Okay, But I could have. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you could have. And people always think that sometimes when
Speaker 1: people split up, it it's always because of sexual reasons.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's not. And I mean I could I could
Speaker 1: have done the same thing. I could have said, you know,
Speaker 1: you want to go back to your family, will go.
Speaker 1: I'm staying, you know. But we chose each other, and
Speaker 1: we chose each other through the hardships, and we continue
Speaker 1: to choose each other every day. Love is a choice
Speaker 1: that you make every morning when you wake up. Yes,
Speaker 1: right again. Love is a choice that you make every
Speaker 1: morning when you make up. Do you know why that's important?
Speaker 1: Because loyalty to me shouldn't be an obligation. It doesn't
Speaker 1: matter to me if you're like, loyalty can can be performative, right, Right,
Speaker 1: so you know you can gain something by being with me. Right,
Speaker 1: So I'm in the NFL, I'm making money. It's like,
Speaker 1: let me show my loyalty to the value because I
Speaker 1: can get the lifestyle that I want. Right. That's performative.
Speaker 1: That's performative. Loyalty can be performative. Exhausting, exhausting to keep
Speaker 1: up with fake it is fake. Yeah, a lot of
Speaker 1: people have fake loyalty. A lot of people. The reason
Speaker 1: why I like the term you brought up about choices
Speaker 1: because for me as a person, I like the fact
Speaker 1: that you make a choice to be loyal as opposed
Speaker 1: to being obligated to being loyal. You understand what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: It's the same thing for business partners or friendships. It's
Speaker 1: like when you get to a point in your life
Speaker 1: where you can provide stuff for people, there's a lot
Speaker 1: of people that will show loyalty because they know they
Speaker 1: can gain by being a friend. I want someone, especially
Speaker 1: in my relationship, who chooses to be loyal and this
Speaker 1: is important to me. When we talk about um the
Speaker 1: patriarchy and we talk about marriage, there was there was
Speaker 1: a discussion going on about the game and him saying
Speaker 1: that he doesn't care how much money his girl makes.
Speaker 1: He's paying all the bills because that's what he feels
Speaker 1: like he wants to do, and I kind of agree
Speaker 1: with him. I agree with him because that's how I feel.
Speaker 1: I want to express, you know, my ability as a
Speaker 1: man to take care of you. I want to pay
Speaker 1: all the bills and do all this other stuff. I
Speaker 1: get it. He never said he didn't want his girl
Speaker 1: to work, and I want to point I'm going to
Speaker 1: bring that up because you work, and you make a
Speaker 1: lot of money, more than enough money to take care
Speaker 1: of yourself and all of the kids and live the
Speaker 1: lifestyle you want to live. Without me. That makes me
Speaker 1: feel good because I know that you're making a choice
Speaker 1: to be here and not obligated. You understand what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Nobody hates, nobody likes a relationship, but you feel obligated
Speaker 1: to be in because then it becomes a choice. And
Speaker 1: that can even just be with a friendship, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, Like you don't want somebody that you
Speaker 1: feel like, well, I think the reason why even just
Speaker 1: in a friendship, for example, when it comes to loyalty
Speaker 1: and maintaining friendships. My circle is so small because I
Speaker 1: have those friends that understand that we're all, for the
Speaker 1: most part, working moms. Some of us have spouses, and
Speaker 1: we can talk today and not talk for six months,
Speaker 1: and pick up right where we left off in six
Speaker 1: months and be like, hey, girl, how's everything going. No
Speaker 1: hard feelings, because we understand what it is. Um also
Speaker 1: to having friends that in our darker times or in
Speaker 1: the times where we didn't have as much going on,
Speaker 1: we had a handful of people that we could rely on,
Speaker 1: a handful of people that would check on us, and
Speaker 1: full of people that would just pop up and say, yoh,
Speaker 1: what's up. I'm coming to check y'all. Yes, And then
Speaker 1: here we are fast forward years later, and then you're
Speaker 1: starting to get phone calls from people that you haven't
Speaker 1: heard from in a decade, a decade, because it's been
Speaker 1: about a decade for the NFL. Then it's two thousand
Speaker 1: and ten when I officially retired from the NFL. My
Speaker 1: last game I played was in two thousand and eight
Speaker 1: until now. Two thousand nineteen is when we made the
Speaker 1: move to California, and now we got the quiz almost
Speaker 1: a decade or a little bit over because we were
Speaker 1: in the apartment for about ten years, Jackson, that's the market.
Speaker 1: So then it's like, now we're here at this point
Speaker 1: in our lives and it's just like, man, I haven't
Speaker 1: heard from such and such a years, but people are
Speaker 1: popping up at the door or asking to and I'm
Speaker 1: just like, you know, those are things that when you
Speaker 1: think of loyalty in general, it's not you can't be
Speaker 1: loyal when it's convenient for you to be loyal, because
Speaker 1: trust me, people take notes, you know. I like that
Speaker 1: when loyalty is not convenient, it's not convenient at all.
Speaker 1: You have to be loyal during the hardest times. And
Speaker 1: that's how you can prove if someone is loyal because
Speaker 1: you know, also that's the first word that's thrown out
Speaker 1: if someone is to step out, achieve right, or they're disloyal.
Speaker 1: Person made a poor decision, you know, whether it's a
Speaker 1: man or a woman, they made a poor decision. So
Speaker 1: that does that mean that you accept if someone constantly
Speaker 1: step out, No, because now that person is making a
Speaker 1: repetitive choice to be selfish, that person is not loyal.
Speaker 1: If a person making poor decision, but then realize their
Speaker 1: poor decision and it's not working to build that trust back.
Speaker 1: That person can now work to build loyalty back. You
Speaker 1: understand what I'm saying because because it's not sports right, people,
Speaker 1: the greatest basketball player of all time is Michael Jordan's
Speaker 1: and they say all the time the reason why he's
Speaker 1: the greatest is because he's six and no in the finals. Right,
Speaker 1: relationships don't work like that relationship. You're not gonna be perfect.
Speaker 1: Everybody is not going to be perfect. And then I'm
Speaker 1: talking about poor decisions even with money, because you hear
Speaker 1: a lot of people have gambling issues, poor spending habbits,
Speaker 1: and when they make a poor decision they're partner. The
Speaker 1: first thing to throw out is that you're not loyal
Speaker 1: because you didn't do what I wanted you to do.
Speaker 1: You can't do that to somebody. With all people, and
Speaker 1: we all have to make choices every single day, and
Speaker 1: you have to watch your partner and say are they
Speaker 1: going to continue to choose themselves? Because loyalty also doesn't
Speaker 1: mean loyalty to somebody else like a third party. You
Speaker 1: and I are in this together. Are you loyal to me?
Speaker 1: Are you loyal to somebody? Else, or are you loyal
Speaker 1: to yourself? Because loyalty to yourself when you're in a
Speaker 1: relationship is that selfish? You know what I'm saying. You
Speaker 1: can't always just choose yourself, especially in your when you're
Speaker 1: in a relationship. So when you're looking for someone who
Speaker 1: is loyal or trying to see if your partner is loyal,
Speaker 1: see if they're constantly choosing you, you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: Because if we're life partners, we got to choose each other.
Speaker 1: Like you know, I laughed because you mentioned sports for
Speaker 1: a second, and I laughed about the story you tell
Speaker 1: on the Breakfast Club shout out to the Breakfast Club
Speaker 1: with me and Pam Oliver. Oh yeah, you know. And
Speaker 1: I thought it was a very loyal move, okay, because
Speaker 1: I've seen home girling on the on the field and
Speaker 1: I was like, listen, my boob is on the field
Speaker 1: that you told him he would never be on this.
Speaker 1: I just want to let you know he's right there,
Speaker 1: he's right there, he's right there. Right. That was a
Speaker 1: loyal move. I feel like I had your back, you know,
Speaker 1: I appreciate I hope you appreciate it. But but we've
Speaker 1: had we've had those moment moments with each other forever.
Speaker 1: I mean even because loyal just having your something like
Speaker 1: having your booze back, you know what I mean. Like
Speaker 1: sometimes I's as simple as that two thou seven, I
Speaker 1: hadn't made them every year. I had to go make
Speaker 1: the team. You moved to Michigan in two thousand seven
Speaker 1: to stay with me, not knowing whether or not I
Speaker 1: was going to be on the team or not. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I really had no idea at that point what was happening.
Speaker 1: But there were about to believe in you too, which
Speaker 1: I think that also can be one of the cornerstones
Speaker 1: for loyalty is having a really deep belief in your
Speaker 1: spouse or your partner and really feeling like, man, I'm
Speaker 1: willing to invest in this person, invest time, invest energy,
Speaker 1: and invest the love. I'm willing to do all that
Speaker 1: because I know that this person is worth it, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. So I got I got a
Speaker 1: big loyalty because we had to go through this with loyalty,
Speaker 1: picking your partner over your family. Oh that's a big
Speaker 1: one because at certain times had to Uh, I had
Speaker 1: to choose. You had to choose. I had to because
Speaker 1: your mother was not my mom. Was not said. My
Speaker 1: mother told me point blank pretty much like when I
Speaker 1: went to college and stuff like that, because I said,
Speaker 1: I grew up in a very strict West Indian household.
Speaker 1: My parents had me under their thumb for mad long.
Speaker 1: So when I was going to college, I was like,
Speaker 1: it's lit like about to go. I'm about to be
Speaker 1: going to parties, I'm about to be haven't doing all
Speaker 1: the things right. Um. And then I went to college
Speaker 1: and immediately found it out, and my mother pretty much,
Speaker 1: you're welcome. I do think the Good Lord every day. Um.
Speaker 1: So my mom pretty much had told me when she
Speaker 1: knew that I met Devil, and I was kind of like,
Speaker 1: you know, told me like I met this guy and
Speaker 1: blah blah blah, zero interests, like y'all maybe had zero interests.
Speaker 1: She did not want to hear about anybody that I meant. No. Mom, Well,
Speaker 1: so I'm not gonna say she has zero interests. She
Speaker 1: hated me. No, I'm just saying Initially, when I told
Speaker 1: her that I meant somebody, she just she like glazed
Speaker 1: over it. She's just like, so, yeah, what did you
Speaker 1: say about your you know, mass communication one on one class?
Speaker 1: Like so she just completely deflected like the Queen of deflecting, right,
Speaker 1: So she deflected. So Devel was pretty much not trying
Speaker 1: to hear it. At that point, my mother said to me, Kating,
Speaker 1: you can walk through the door with Jesus Christ. It
Speaker 1: does not matter to me, not this in your life.
Speaker 1: A girl of your caliber needs to be in school
Speaker 1: and you need to be focusing in your books and
Speaker 1: your grades and what is it that you want to do?
Speaker 1: I want wouldn't. In turn, she was right like she
Speaker 1: did have her her she did have a point. Mimi
Speaker 1: had a point um, but also she didn't have a point.
Speaker 1: She was right. She was right in the same way
Speaker 1: Pam Oliver was right, yes about saying I was too small.
Speaker 1: It was small exactly like if you're looking at what's
Speaker 1: in front of you, that would probably be the box
Speaker 1: that I checked too, because when I met him, you know,
Speaker 1: he was like a hundred and what with a big
Speaker 1: gas head. My cousin remember saying that looked like a
Speaker 1: lollipy was not that big bro for your body. It
Speaker 1: was though he didn't know what you know, what's that
Speaker 1: these muscles? I remember my cousin meeting him. She was like, man,
Speaker 1: it looks like a lollipop shout out to Sophia. Um.
Speaker 1: But yeah, so my mom was just not trying to
Speaker 1: hear it in that moment. So there came a point
Speaker 1: I wanted to say, maybe two years into our relationship
Speaker 1: that div was just not having it no more. If
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm not gonna allow your mother to
Speaker 1: just like ignore me or disrespect me or anything, so
Speaker 1: or he felt disrespected. So at that point, I was
Speaker 1: just like, I'm gonna have to go with my man.
Speaker 1: I stopped going like a whole year and a half
Speaker 1: come into the house. So then I was conflicted because
Speaker 1: in that moment, I had to decide was I going
Speaker 1: to go and see my family and then spend time
Speaker 1: away from him, and then do I cut my family
Speaker 1: time short to then go chill with him? And I
Speaker 1: kind of felt caught in the middle at that point too,
Speaker 1: but I just had to go with my heart at
Speaker 1: that time. So I was like, all right, we're just
Speaker 1: gonna have to split this time. I had to respect
Speaker 1: the way you felt in that moment too, because at
Speaker 1: first I was just like, you know, you you don't
Speaker 1: understand my mom. That's just how she is. And if
Speaker 1: I was not trying to hear that, and I couldn't
Speaker 1: expect him to understand or to tolerate it. So yeah,
Speaker 1: I my loyalty was definitely tested at that moment, like
Speaker 1: which way was I going to go? But also that
Speaker 1: tested my loyalty if I was willing to deal with it. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: you could be like, Yo, this girl's mother is diff
Speaker 1: I wanted. Is just what I want to deal with
Speaker 1: for the rest of my life potentially? Yeah, Yeah, So
Speaker 1: that was That was an interesting time. And like a
Speaker 1: lot of moments, like loyalty test, testing someone's loyalty comes
Speaker 1: in so many different facets in a relationship. Um, it's
Speaker 1: important to feel chosen. Makes you feel good, you know,
Speaker 1: as a person when you know that person which he
Speaker 1: was rocking with you, Yeah, because you chose You chose
Speaker 1: me when I was skinny, you chose me when I
Speaker 1: was broke, you chose me when I was making poor
Speaker 1: selfish decisions. And it feels good to be chosen, and
Speaker 1: it makes you feel like I have to do the
Speaker 1: same things, you know what I'm saying. It's motivating to
Speaker 1: be like and that's why a lot of people don't
Speaker 1: They don't understand, like why some men don't understand, like,
Speaker 1: why would you go so hard for a woman? You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, Why does it? Because you know,
Speaker 1: I make these posts about how much I adore you
Speaker 1: and how proud I am of the things you've been
Speaker 1: able to accomplish, and over time, you have chosen me
Speaker 1: so many times. I want to celebrate the fact that
Speaker 1: I feel chosen. You understand what I'm saying. Even even
Speaker 1: when they came to to choosing me for children right
Speaker 1: after having Jackson and the issue, yeah, having the decision
Speaker 1: to have Jackson and everything, the traumas you went through
Speaker 1: with having Jackson, have to have surgery and almost have
Speaker 1: a blood transfusion, to then choose to say, you know what,
Speaker 1: let's go again and have another child because you believe
Speaker 1: in this partnership, in the legacy. It's like, then, once again,
Speaker 1: she chose something that I wanted and needed. You know,
Speaker 1: I just realized when you said that in this moment,
Speaker 1: and this is a little bit off topic, but I
Speaker 1: just realized that's probably why in the moment I didn't
Speaker 1: realize I was traumatized from my experience with Jackson. I
Speaker 1: always wonder why we took that long break in between
Speaker 1: that we took five years, five years, and I think
Speaker 1: I might have just been like dealing with some trauma
Speaker 1: from that moment that I was almost you think you
Speaker 1: think there was no thinking for me at that point.
Speaker 1: I really just just hit me like that's probably why
Speaker 1: I waited so long in between in the hospital, right, um,
Speaker 1: And we've told this story on the podcast. In the
Speaker 1: hospital when I blacked out, had no when I remember
Speaker 1: coming to and I'm saying that Canino be out of surgery,
Speaker 1: you know, in about an hour, I remember saying to myself,
Speaker 1: I hope my son is okay. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: If my wife makes it out of this, I'm never
Speaker 1: having children again. Like that was my that was my
Speaker 1: like my mindset, my my I was processing that if
Speaker 1: we get escaped this unscathed, I'm good with one child.
Speaker 1: I'm good with being here. So for me, every time
Speaker 1: I thought of having children again, it was like, do
Speaker 1: we go through this process possibly having this process again
Speaker 1: and even once again trying to be loyal choosing you.
Speaker 1: I wanted more kids, but I'm not going to choose
Speaker 1: to put your life at risk just because i want
Speaker 1: more kids, you know what I'm saying. And that once again,
Speaker 1: its loyalty to your partner you're seeing in some relationships,
Speaker 1: or you don't want more kids. I'm out because I
Speaker 1: want more kids. It's like, wow, that was a very
Speaker 1: conditional move, you know what I'm saying, not being able
Speaker 1: to communicate and just make up to make a decision
Speaker 1: for both of I'm out if you don't want to
Speaker 1: have more kids. Like, there's so many decisions that happened
Speaker 1: within the course of a relationship that requires someone to
Speaker 1: be selfless that I think people don't realize, especially single people.
Speaker 1: You know, if if you're watching social media or listen
Speaker 1: to what people say when single people have an opinion
Speaker 1: about how married people move, that be the best for me,
Speaker 1: That would be the best for me. I love y'all,
Speaker 1: my single folks with y'all be having a whole lot
Speaker 1: to say sometimes do I love? I love my single people.
Speaker 1: I love my single friends. But even my single friends
Speaker 1: when they try to give me advice about how I
Speaker 1: should move even different through even my single female friends
Speaker 1: when they're like, oh, well, you know, KaDee, maybe feeling
Speaker 1: this or maybe you should try this. Sometimes I'll be like, yo,
Speaker 1: with all due respect, you can't possibly understand what what
Speaker 1: it feels like to want to be of service to
Speaker 1: somebody because either you you've tried failed, you've chosen not to,
Speaker 1: you have no desire right, or you have no desire
Speaker 1: to be In either case, then you can understand the
Speaker 1: feeling I have. Not that you're wrong, but you can't
Speaker 1: understand the feeling I have to want to work to
Speaker 1: be with this person. So to hear all of the
Speaker 1: opinions and hear all the stuff of people who are
Speaker 1: not even actively trying to be in relationships about how
Speaker 1: married people should be sound crazy to me because it
Speaker 1: also takes a delusional person. It really doesn't think, but
Speaker 1: it takes a delusional person to be married right think
Speaker 1: about this, to believe that this person, like you, have
Speaker 1: a blind trust in someone that at any point can
Speaker 1: decide the married person you feel like has an element
Speaker 1: of delusion in them. All crazy. We're all crazy because
Speaker 1: we all walke around here and trying to figure it out. All.
Speaker 1: That's what Delenna said yesterday, she said, we're here, we
Speaker 1: have no pretending like wet figure out and we don't.
Speaker 1: We don't, and we're all crazy to think that. Just
Speaker 1: just to think that you are going to choose me
Speaker 1: all the time, every single time, the way I want
Speaker 1: it done, and the minute you don't, I get upset.
Speaker 1: It's fucking delusional. It's delusional. And to be honest, I'm
Speaker 1: delusional because I'd be like, I'd be like, 't gonna
Speaker 1: do it the way I want to do it? And
Speaker 1: then when you don't every day, I think you are
Speaker 1: delusional because you want because you on your side. I
Speaker 1: think that I'm going to make all my decisions based
Speaker 1: on you every single time. That's delusional, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. And the thing is, I'm willing to admit
Speaker 1: that married people are crazy, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: But at the same time, I'm not trying to listen
Speaker 1: to a single person tell me what loyalty looks like,
Speaker 1: because that's that's really what it is. A lot of
Speaker 1: a lot of single people have comments about this. This
Speaker 1: is why I can't get married, because the loyalty you're
Speaker 1: not even trying. You gotta kind of be I mean,
Speaker 1: to be honest, you have to be a little delusional
Speaker 1: to believe in God. It's blind faith, right, it's blind faith,
Speaker 1: and we and yet we do right, and yet we
Speaker 1: do so I believe in loyalty. I believe in loyalty
Speaker 1: is blind, it's blinding, and it's hard even a relationship
Speaker 1: with God's herd yes, because there's the tests, there's blind faith,
Speaker 1: Like you said, there's getting through what we What were
Speaker 1: we watching? And the young lady said, um, oh, it
Speaker 1: was Jamie Foxx showing Netflix. Dad, don't embarrass me, And
Speaker 1: I think it was the first The second episode was
Speaker 1: about church and she didn't want to go to church anymore.
Speaker 1: And the reason why she didn't want to go to
Speaker 1: church anymore was because her mom made her go to church,
Speaker 1: and when her mom got sick, she prayed to God
Speaker 1: to save her mom. And when her mom died, she said,
Speaker 1: I did all that pray and it didn't work. Why
Speaker 1: should I believe in a God that would let my
Speaker 1: mom die? Right once again, conditional. Your loyalty to God
Speaker 1: or the God that you pray to is only conditional
Speaker 1: based on you getting everything you want every single time.
Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying. That doesn't mean that God
Speaker 1: doesn't exist. That just means that you're loyalty to him
Speaker 1: or to anybody else. It's fake because you're only going
Speaker 1: to be loyal when you get what you want, or
Speaker 1: it's just not wholehearted. But it's just not wholehearted. Conditional, conditional, conditional.
Speaker 1: Shout out to Jamie foxx Sidbar the Homie. Five ways
Speaker 1: to choose your partner every day. Celebrate the winds, hold
Speaker 1: on through the lows. Remember step in instead of stepping out.
Speaker 1: Remember your manners, which are sometimes real hard, because very
Speaker 1: hard sometimes because to delusional people thinking they write all
Speaker 1: the time, man right, man is what um? Share the
Speaker 1: winds and respect yes, basy and remember your man is
Speaker 1: like the same, and share the winds and celebrate the winds.
Speaker 1: It's kind of the same. So this could be three
Speaker 1: things to choose your partner every day. Well, I mean,
Speaker 1: I guess that's the most important one though, is what
Speaker 1: hold on through the Absolutely it's easy to celebrate. But
Speaker 1: you can celebrate winds with people you don't even like.
Speaker 1: That's a fact. You got to share the wins. I'm
Speaker 1: not celebrating nothing with people I don't like. That's been
Speaker 1: that's been hitting you lately. You've been seeming very upset
Speaker 1: about that. I'm not upset, but I'm just being mindful
Speaker 1: of my space and my energy. I got you. That's
Speaker 1: just what it is, you know, and respecting through the lows.
Speaker 1: In respect that because Kadina and I have had some
Speaker 1: moments where we've disrespected each other when when stuff got low,
Speaker 1: said some wild stuff to each other. But you know
Speaker 1: we're here. We're here because I wanted, because I want
Speaker 1: to be Yes, that is the fact. And you also
Speaker 1: know that if you have attempted to do anything else,
Speaker 1: I will punch you down and find you she's crazy, delusional. Guys. Well,
Speaker 1: I guess it's about time we take a quick break
Speaker 1: and raison news and then we'll come back to listener
Speaker 1: letters and see what y'all have to talk about. Thanks.
Speaker 1: All right, we're back, guys to Caden's favorite part of
Speaker 1: the show, listener letters. Let's see what you have for
Speaker 1: me today. UM, I'll go all right. First, I want
Speaker 1: to say that I am a huge fan. Starting from
Speaker 1: you guys feature on Black Love. Yeah, we love Black Love,
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Um. From then, I've been keeping
Speaker 1: up with you guys, and I love the podcast. Me
Speaker 1: and my husband have been together since teenagers sixteen years together,
Speaker 1: five married, three children thirteen six and two. We're both
Speaker 1: thirty four years old, and throughout the years we have been.
Speaker 1: There has been infidelity on both sides. I cheated in
Speaker 1: the marriage also because of the insecurity I have from
Speaker 1: felt from his I guess from his infidelity. Okay, so
Speaker 1: she cheated because he did. Um. When he gets caught,
Speaker 1: he lies about it no matter the evidence. He will deny, deny, deny,
Speaker 1: but claims he wants his family. Just recently, I decided
Speaker 1: marriage counseling was my last draw, and within the counseling,
Speaker 1: he opened up to me that he was molested by
Speaker 1: a woman who babysat him and his brother when he
Speaker 1: was a child, and the cheating is his way for
Speaker 1: him to feel in control. I love him, I really do,
Speaker 1: and I want to be there for him in this time.
Speaker 1: But part of me feels like with therapy he can
Speaker 1: get through the situation and be the faithful, loving husband
Speaker 1: I need. But on the other side, I feel like,
Speaker 1: even with therapy, will the cheating ever stop. This is tough,
Speaker 1: but I've been so hurt and so broken by the
Speaker 1: infidelity I really can't take another hit. On the flip side,
Speaker 1: I do want to be supportive and fight for my marriage.
Speaker 1: What's a girl to do? The first thing I want
Speaker 1: to say is Um, I'm I'm glad she talked about
Speaker 1: the story because people think that molestation only happens on
Speaker 1: one side, but many young men deal with molestation as well,
Speaker 1: and it can be an issue as that person becomes
Speaker 1: an adult. If they don't deal with it, manifests itself.
Speaker 1: I think that's differently different people. UM, and I can't
Speaker 1: speak too much on it because that's not something I've experienced. However,
Speaker 1: I do know that in just speaking to people are
Speaker 1: just hearing about stories, that it can manifest itself in
Speaker 1: different ways. And I have heard people say men and
Speaker 1: women say when they've been molested, at some point they
Speaker 1: do feel like they want to take control of their sexuality,
Speaker 1: so they become more sexual. I've heard that being one
Speaker 1: of the ways it manifests, if not the only way.
Speaker 1: So the fact that you guys are in therapy and
Speaker 1: working on it, hopefully therapy can help him deal with
Speaker 1: his past trauma and if he can deal with it
Speaker 1: and he can be the husband that you want him
Speaker 1: to be. So I do think there's hope. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: don't think there's hope. I do understand you don't also
Speaker 1: feeling like you don't want to take another hit but
Speaker 1: I think that since this his surface and before or
Speaker 1: he used to just deny, deny, deny, Now that you
Speaker 1: guys are in counseling and we're getting kind of to
Speaker 1: the root of why he's doing it, there's a possibility
Speaker 1: that there may be a breakthrough and if he deals
Speaker 1: with that, there may be a brighter side for them.
Speaker 1: And ultimately, it's just whether you want to or not.
Speaker 1: No one else can give you advice or say to
Speaker 1: you whether you should be with your husband or not.
Speaker 1: If it's not a detriment to you physically, mentally or
Speaker 1: your health, If it's something you can work on together
Speaker 1: and you want to be there, work on it, don't
Speaker 1: ever let somebody else say to you you should just
Speaker 1: walk away. You understand what I'm saying. So, so, I
Speaker 1: think this is a choice that you have to make personally.
Speaker 1: It seems like you guys are pulling out all the
Speaker 1: stops to figure out a way to help. Yeah, definitely
Speaker 1: fighting for the marriage to Yeah. So I said, yeah,
Speaker 1: definitely be there as a support system to him, you know,
Speaker 1: as you to work on this together, because it seems
Speaker 1: that you've had a really great history together. You have
Speaker 1: three children, invested both still young, only thirty or four
Speaker 1: years old. UM, so good luck to you guys on that. Yes,
Speaker 1: I am a twenty six year old male in my
Speaker 1: relationship definitely reminds me of both of you. Literally almost
Speaker 1: everything you'll talk about I feel like I can relate
Speaker 1: to in some way. And when I started to listen
Speaker 1: from the first season so now just a few months ago,
Speaker 1: has definitely been a source of therapy for me personally. Testimony. So,
Speaker 1: my fiance and I have been together since we were
Speaker 1: sixteen and fifteen, were twenty and twenty five, and we're
Speaker 1: going to be married at the end of the summer.
Speaker 1: Growing up from teams to young adults, going through high
Speaker 1: school and college and now adulting, it has been a
Speaker 1: full roller coaster, as expected in any relationship, and we're
Speaker 1: just scratching the surface by entering marriage. Throughout the eleven
Speaker 1: years of being together, there has been breakups, to makeups
Speaker 1: and so forth, and transgressions mainly on my end, but
Speaker 1: we're still here. And we were supposed to get married
Speaker 1: last year, but COVID delayed that and we ended up
Speaker 1: getting a home together and moved in together, which we
Speaker 1: will be six months, which will be in six minutes
Speaker 1: before the wedding, and by this happening, it has really
Speaker 1: opened up the door to us digging deeper in our
Speaker 1: connection and addressing issues like sex and trust and her
Speaker 1: and understanding one another and communication. And we started to
Speaker 1: do a couple of therapy and also marriage counseling because
Speaker 1: the wedding is soon. What I need help with with
Speaker 1: now is still feeling what what I need a little
Speaker 1: hope with now? Is I still feel like something is
Speaker 1: in the way or blocking us or I don't know
Speaker 1: if it's just me so reaching another level in our relationship.
Speaker 1: I don't know what that is. I don't know if
Speaker 1: I should be concerned or just go with the flow.
Speaker 1: We're both on the same page now and we both
Speaker 1: know we can never be ready to be married. So
Speaker 1: I don't think it's the cold feat starting to kick in.
Speaker 1: It's just something that I feel like it's missing that
Speaker 1: could take us to the next level, especially listening and
Speaker 1: learning from YouTube. What is your advice and opinion on this?
Speaker 1: So him feeling that something is missing, Remember, we had
Speaker 1: moments I feel like in our relationships kind of I
Speaker 1: guess kind of like we can relate because we met
Speaker 1: when we wereround eighteen nineteen and then here we are now.
Speaker 1: So they've been ten years into their relationship. Remember we
Speaker 1: had moments where we felt like, man, things are kind
Speaker 1: of coasting and doing too well, Like what's going to
Speaker 1: happen to just take us to the next level. And
Speaker 1: for me be kind of the pessimist pessimists that I was,
Speaker 1: would always bee like, damn, something bad, it's probably gonna
Speaker 1: happen that will then test us, you know, and take
Speaker 1: us to either the next level or just break us
Speaker 1: up or something. Um. So I can kind of understand
Speaker 1: what he means when he says that he feels like
Speaker 1: there's something, but I also feel like to being together
Speaker 1: for ten years, you get into this groove sometimes and
Speaker 1: they can tend to be a little monotonous at monotonous
Speaker 1: at times where you feel like, damn, like everything is
Speaker 1: just kind of coasting. When is something going to happen? Um,
Speaker 1: But they did have a lot that happened to you
Speaker 1: figure in the eleven years that they've been together. Um,
Speaker 1: they have the house now, you know with COVID, the
Speaker 1: wedding got delayed and then people, I think sometimes expect
Speaker 1: for there to be a grand something to happen after
Speaker 1: the wedding too, and that doesn't necessarily happen because life
Speaker 1: kind of just moves on. You have the party for
Speaker 1: the day and then the next thing. So I don't
Speaker 1: know if you guys are hoping to have children, maybe
Speaker 1: children will be the next thing on their list. You
Speaker 1: don't think, so, do you know what it is? Okay?
Speaker 1: Maybe from a band's perspective, you can speak together sty
Speaker 1: of fifteen and sixteen. Right, they've been together ten years.
Speaker 1: You know what? They haven't worked on themselves purpose. Everything
Speaker 1: they've done in their adolescent to now young adult lives
Speaker 1: has been for each other. Either one of them have
Speaker 1: focused on their purpose as individuals. And I know this
Speaker 1: because we went through this. And I tell anybody who
Speaker 1: starts being in a relationship from young, you cannot be
Speaker 1: complete in a relationship if you don't know who you
Speaker 1: are what you're doing. Some of the poor choices I
Speaker 1: made in our relationships stem from the fact that when
Speaker 1: I was young, I was always trying to do everything
Speaker 1: for you and to please you or to society's standards.
Speaker 1: Should have been happening at that point in our life,
Speaker 1: at that juncture, and it wasn't until I made choices
Speaker 1: for myself and decisions for myself that it made me
Speaker 1: make decisions, say, you know what, I want to be
Speaker 1: here because here is where I thrive or here is
Speaker 1: where I feel better. But when you're not taking time
Speaker 1: to do it for yourself, you can't really figure out
Speaker 1: if here is where you want to be. Well, that's
Speaker 1: true because you figure if you have something says an
Speaker 1: individual goal that you're trying to attain, or something that
Speaker 1: you want to do for yourself just because you feel
Speaker 1: like that's your purpose to do in that process or
Speaker 1: in that victory, that is something then that you together
Speaker 1: you can celebrate and the benefits of. Right. So that's
Speaker 1: a really good point about because listen, think about it.
Speaker 1: Two years ago now you're thirty seven. Now, two years
Speaker 1: ago you were thirty five, right, which is still ten
Speaker 1: years older than them. You and I were sitting down
Speaker 1: and you were sobbing because you were like, I don't
Speaker 1: know what my purpose is. And that's thirty five you're
Speaker 1: telling me. They know, they don't know. And it wasn't
Speaker 1: until you and I sat down and we have you
Speaker 1: sat down with our business manager, Donorra and Dinora was like, yo,
Speaker 1: what's going on like sometimes case seems in, sometimes she
Speaker 1: seems out. And I was like, I don't think she
Speaker 1: knows exactly what she wants to do. And you took
Speaker 1: some time to buy yourself, not without me guiding you,
Speaker 1: because I tend to do that. I tend to feel
Speaker 1: like and I tend to lean on like you for advice.
Speaker 1: So it really took soul searching myself. You know what,
Speaker 1: I'm praying on certain things and fasting about certain things
Speaker 1: and just really just saying okay, and this is what
Speaker 1: I am saying, devout. I thought I wanted to do
Speaker 1: this because part of our relationship was me being expected
Speaker 1: to do this as your wife. And he was like,
Speaker 1: I just don't want to do it or some of
Speaker 1: these were dreams that I had when I was like younger,
Speaker 1: pre marriage, three kids, free everything, And I was like,
Speaker 1: I thought, that's where my interest lies, and it's just
Speaker 1: not lying it no more. You know, So yes, young man,
Speaker 1: because you're twenty six, and I think the same should
Speaker 1: be for your fiance as well. You know, just taking
Speaker 1: some time for both of you. You know, your mom
Speaker 1: told us early in she said, y'all need to take
Speaker 1: some time to learn yourselves. You right, you don't know
Speaker 1: who you are, all into each other playing house so young.
Speaker 1: I need stopping. Stop. She said that pretty was just
Speaker 1: like that. Stop. That's how my mom's been looking when
Speaker 1: she talked to me, and she's stop. And at the time,
Speaker 1: I was in twenties and I'm thinking I know everything
Speaker 1: all the time. Fifteen to twenty you think you know everything.
Speaker 1: Five you know you know everything. To thirty you start
Speaker 1: to realize like should I ain't know nothing at all time?
Speaker 1: Then in your thirties you're fixing all of the mistakes
Speaker 1: you made from fifteen to thirty, So take some time
Speaker 1: to know yourself. I'm thirty seven. I've seen a lot
Speaker 1: of people to say they're not gett married in their
Speaker 1: twenties now, like a lot of millennial gen Zers are
Speaker 1: the gen Z's after us. Yeah, a lot of them
Speaker 1: saying like, man, I don't know based on what they
Speaker 1: are we gonna get married in If you could do
Speaker 1: it all over again, would you get married in twenties? Um? No, No,
Speaker 1: Or I would have maybe taken some time to just
Speaker 1: build on my own. I always wanted to have my
Speaker 1: own place, my own apartment somewhere, do my own things.
Speaker 1: So no, I probably wouldn't have gone wouldn't I probably
Speaker 1: would have And also know what now and also to
Speaker 1: a different perspective I looked at as a woman, was like,
Speaker 1: damn in my twenties and if I want to be
Speaker 1: married and have children, like the clock's going to take
Speaker 1: and then you realize, like the clock is not really
Speaker 1: take care of your body and take care your body
Speaker 1: that you're supposed to do, and you know you'll be
Speaker 1: all right having children in your thirties. So I I
Speaker 1: would get married in my twenties. I would have took
Speaker 1: time to focus on myself. Saved us a lot of
Speaker 1: heartbreak and anger toward frustration towards each other. Now I
Speaker 1: will say this, what we have now is special because
Speaker 1: we've been through all of that and now it's sure
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. Kind feel like we're a
Speaker 1: bit of an anomaly. Sometimes I agree, you can't. You
Speaker 1: can't show me the exception to make it the rule.
Speaker 1: So would I change what happened with us? No, I'd
Speaker 1: never change it. But I have boys, hopefully one day
Speaker 1: I have a daughter. And if they ask me what
Speaker 1: they should do, I'm not going to say meet your
Speaker 1: wife or your your your husband at stick it out.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna do that. So young man, I think
Speaker 1: you should focus on learning about yourself. Let your your
Speaker 1: young lady focus on learning about herself and come together
Speaker 1: a complete, a complete individual. So y'all can choose to
Speaker 1: enjoy life together, because I think that's what we do now.
Speaker 1: And some days I still wake up like, name, something's missing,
Speaker 1: But I know it's because I'm not doing fully what
Speaker 1: I want to do yet, So that feeling of emptiness
Speaker 1: doesn't come from my lack in my marriage. It comes
Speaker 1: from me not fulfilling my purpose of what that is
Speaker 1: true because if that sometimes wakes up some mornings and
Speaker 1: you know, we kind of see this little down, a
Speaker 1: little funk, and I automatically think it's because of me.
Speaker 1: Like naturally, I'm like, oh my god, what did I do?
Speaker 1: What did I not do? What is it? I'm literally
Speaker 1: and is everything okay? And He'll be just like, no,
Speaker 1: I just I just want to act so bad. I
Speaker 1: want to be on these films. I want to be
Speaker 1: making blockbuster films, like That's what I want to do.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, oh, so he's just having a moment
Speaker 1: where within the context of his purpose and where he
Speaker 1: wants to be in life. He feels like he's not
Speaker 1: there yet, but there's that burning desire and not for nothing.
Speaker 1: Money can't change that. Because Cadine used to wake up,
Speaker 1: I was making a ton of money playing football. Can
Speaker 1: he used to make up and I'm just like, what's
Speaker 1: wrong with you? Same thing, same thing. She's like, I'm
Speaker 1: just here. I felt like I was just like, I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm thankful that you are able to afford us a
Speaker 1: lifestyle where we don't have the pressures, but I feel
Speaker 1: like I'm just wasting away, like that I need to
Speaker 1: be doing something. And at the time I was my
Speaker 1: egos like, damn, is something wrong with me? You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Like she's so ungrateful, like do I
Speaker 1: not make enough money that she's not happy? Nothing to
Speaker 1: do with money. We make more money now than we
Speaker 1: made when I was playing football, and k still some
Speaker 1: makes up some mornings and she's just like and but
Speaker 1: now I don't look at her and be like what
Speaker 1: am I not doing? I was like, you, baby, you
Speaker 1: need something to figure out what you need to figure
Speaker 1: that out? And we give each other space to do
Speaker 1: that space and grace all right now, well, if you
Speaker 1: want to be featured as one of our listener letters,
Speaker 1: be sure to email us at dead as Advice at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. That's d E A d A S
Speaker 1: S A d V I C E at Gmail. Now
Speaker 1: time for the mot. You know what the mot is.
Speaker 1: I just made an acronym that just came to me.
Speaker 1: When I looked at it, I was like, wait a second,
Speaker 1: m O TAM is wrong with moment of truth? That
Speaker 1: was just like palm. You came up with pull out
Speaker 1: method conscious exactly and the uh what was it for
Speaker 1: the other one? Uh s s dB snip them balls.
Speaker 1: I love a good acronym. I love a good acronym,
Speaker 1: A right moment, moment of truth. Loyalty. It's earned, not expected,
Speaker 1: It's not conditional m hm. And in order to prove
Speaker 1: real loyalty, it has to be tested with adversity. You
Speaker 1: took all of the moments of truth, Devo, you took
Speaker 1: all of the truth. I'm just full of knowledge. Don't
Speaker 1: be mad at me. That sums it up, y'all. Loyalty, loyalty, loyalty,
Speaker 1: boom boom. All right, y'all, So be sure to find
Speaker 1: us on social media. Follow us at dead as the
Speaker 1: podcast Who Are You, I Am? And Who Are You?
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