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Speaker 1: What's sub Professional Homegirls.

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Speaker 2: It's shagarl Ebine here and we are back with yet

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Speaker 2: again a fire episode. Okay, but before we dive in,

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Speaker 2: I just wanted to express my thanks for the incredible

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Speaker 2: feedback on I Denounce My Sorority Part one and two episode.

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Speaker 1: Y'all.

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Speaker 2: Reception has been truly amazing, and I am so grateful

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Speaker 2: for all the dms, the messages, child the text messages

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Speaker 2: because some of y'all got my number and just letting

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Speaker 2: me know how it resonated with you all. So thank you,

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Speaker 2: thank you, thank you for listening, and most importantly, thank

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Speaker 2: you for sharing this episode with your Professional Homegirls. Now

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Speaker 2: before we start, Key Kim, if you need some advice

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Speaker 2: or if you just want to chat, do not hesitate

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Speaker 2: to shoot me an email at hello at thepsgpodcast dot com,

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Speaker 2: and just a hands up. We did reach our goal

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Speaker 2: on Instagram, but we did have a few hayen nest bitches,

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Speaker 2: So if you are not following the Professional Homegirl on Instagram,

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Speaker 2: please make sure you do ad the PHG podcast and

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Speaker 2: catch us on YouTube and TikTok at the Professional Homegirl Now.

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Speaker 2: Today episode is a real gem, y'all, and I know

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Speaker 2: I say that about every episode, but this week's episode

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Speaker 2: was just so amazing. Recently, I've been exploring the topic

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Speaker 2: of grief with my loved ones and just how grief

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Speaker 2: has manifested in all of our lives. So when I

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Speaker 2: stumbled up upon my guest story, I was completely intrigued

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Speaker 2: because I'd never heard of this type of therapy before.

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Speaker 2: Not only did she introduce me to the concept of

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Speaker 2: ketemine therapy, but she also shed light on how grief

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Speaker 2: can uniquely affect an only child. As we dive into

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Speaker 2: her journey navigating the highs and lows of her mental health,

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Speaker 2: you'll be able to discover the profound impact that ketnine

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Speaker 2: therapy has had on her life, from taking that first

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Speaker 2: step into the world of unconventional treatments to the ongoing

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Speaker 2: journey of healing. Our guest shares insight into the transformative

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Speaker 2: power of alternative therapies and mental health care. Now, this

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Speaker 2: episode was so good that I decided to let it

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Speaker 2: rock because y'all know I try to keep it under

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Speaker 2: forty five to sixty minutes, but since I am in

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Speaker 2: such a good mood, you get the entire episode in

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Speaker 2: one sitting, So without further ado I try heaty meine

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Speaker 2: therapy for my depression starts now. All right, to my guests,

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Speaker 2: thank you so much for being on the show.

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Speaker 3: Y'all.

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Speaker 1: We've been kicking for like the past ten minutes.

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Speaker 3: Thanks for having me. I'm so excited.

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Speaker 1: Me too, Me too. How are you? How are you doing?

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Speaker 3: I'm great. I you know, have definitely been worse for sure,

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Speaker 3: Me too, Me too. I feel you. Yeah, So I'm

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Speaker 3: good and I'm happy that I'm good today. Me too.

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Speaker 1: And you look good. My guess is pretty all.

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Speaker 3: Oh? Thanks, Look I went and got a washing gus

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Speaker 3: today and I don't. I'm not a washing girt girly.

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Speaker 3: So I feel like I look like a weird boy.

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Speaker 3: But we're making it happen.

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Speaker 1: Got pa.

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Speaker 3: Look that's how long my hair really is. It is

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Speaker 3: my one lot. My hair shrinks so much. It's just

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Speaker 3: I look like a weird boy.

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Speaker 2: But that is crazy shrinking. It's like the hair, y'all.

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Speaker 2: This will give y'all a visual. Her hair is like

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Speaker 2: to her ears, but she just pulled it. It's like

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Speaker 2: to your chest no.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah yeah, waist length hair. But it's crazy.

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Speaker 1: That is beautiful.

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Speaker 2: Well, you know, I was telling my guests that I'm

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Speaker 2: super excited to have her on because I feel like,

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Speaker 2: as you all know, I am a really huge advocate

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Speaker 2: for mental health and you know, I mean that's the

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Speaker 2: reason why the Professional Homegirl was founded from my pain

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Speaker 2: from losing my grandmother. So I'm really excited to jump

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Speaker 2: in with your story. So I watched your videos about

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Speaker 2: you being the only child, and it led to me.

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Speaker 2: It led me to wonder about the unique situations when

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Speaker 2: it comes to only children. So do you believe parents

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Speaker 2: have a responsibility to prepare their child for their passing?

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Speaker 3: I actually do think there is some sort of responsibility

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Speaker 3: that comes with only having one child. You have to,

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Speaker 3: I think, be a little bit more organized as a parent,

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Speaker 3: and you have to be a little bit more communicative

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Speaker 3: and telling them. Like my mom always told me, if

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Speaker 3: something ever happens to me, open up this particular briefcase.

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Speaker 3: And it was one of those like old timey briefcases

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Speaker 3: with a combination that you have to use. And the

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Speaker 3: combination was my birthday. And she didn't tell my mom

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Speaker 3: was married twice and she didn't tell none of her

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Speaker 3: husband's the combination. She only told me, like you know,

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Speaker 3: the combination and combination is your birthday. So yeah, and

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Speaker 3: she was very like organized as far as like she

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Speaker 3: wrote down all of her Internet passwords and like her

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Speaker 3: credit card, her banking stuff or whatever. And I think

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Speaker 3: she knew that, you know, when the time dick come,

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Speaker 3: that I was going to have to do everything by myself,

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Speaker 3: which I did.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: I have some healthfare from her sisters and stuff like that,

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Speaker 3: But I think the responsibility, the onus is there for

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Speaker 3: the parents. Like a lot of people want to like

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Speaker 3: gloss over it or not talk about it. I don't

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Speaker 3: know that's the thing. In a black community, we'd be like, yeah,

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Speaker 3: it's like you're gonna make it happen, or something like

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Speaker 3: I need to be prepared. Can you prepare a little bit?

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Speaker 3: So yeah, I think it's really important for people who

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Speaker 3: do have just one kid to at least try to

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Speaker 3: get some things in order and then tell them where

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Speaker 3: the stuff is that you got an order.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree.

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Speaker 2: I agree, especially when it comes to like just financial security,

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Speaker 2: because planning a funeral and everything like that, that shit

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Speaker 2: is not.

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Speaker 3: Cheap, Oh my goodness. And I thought I was gonna

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Speaker 3: have to do some underhanded, fraudulent type shit when when

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Speaker 3: my mom passed away, because like the memorial service that

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Speaker 3: I had for her was like six grand or something.

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Speaker 3: I didn't have that in my account, you know. So

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Speaker 3: I was just like, I'm gonna have to use her account.

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Speaker 3: And at first I was like, Oh, I'll just write

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Speaker 3: myself a check from her account and then you know,

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Speaker 3: deposited and it'll be there, you know. But it was

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Speaker 3: gonna take like three to five days or something. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: And so I was like, I'm just gonna write a

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Speaker 3: check from her account. And if I mean, they know

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Speaker 3: she's dead, they know, the funeral home knows that this

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Speaker 3: person is deceased, and here you are writing a check

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Speaker 3: and I just gave it to the Like I was

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Speaker 3: so great stricken at the time that I was just like,

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Speaker 3: just take me to jail at this point, Yeah, don't

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Speaker 3: get me here. If you're gonna take the check, take it.

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Speaker 2: If not, just call the police because I'm like I'm

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Speaker 2: ready to clock out anyway.

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Speaker 3: So I'm ready to clock out. Please hurry up, somebody.

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Speaker 3: But yeah, I think, Oh, another thing that I want

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Speaker 3: to say add that I think it's super important that

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Speaker 3: I don't think enough people talk about for parents who

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Speaker 3: maybe have just was for any parents, really, no matter

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Speaker 3: how many children you have, start getting rid of your stuff.

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Speaker 1: I was going to bring it up, Yeah I don't

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Speaker 1: have so much stuff.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's like really hard and this you're grieving, and

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Speaker 3: like I found myself like anything that my mom wrote

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Speaker 3: on I wanted to keep. It could have been a

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Speaker 3: grocery list from nineteen eighty seven, and I'm like, first

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Speaker 3: of all, why do you have this still? Right? That's

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Speaker 3: number one? Number two? Why am I going to keep it?

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Speaker 3: And this file folder? Because it has your writing and

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Speaker 3: it like makes me feel like you were real person

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Speaker 3: and not just some fever that I had.

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Speaker 2: You know, I want to talk about that when we

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Speaker 2: get there, because I thought that was interesting because I

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Speaker 2: also experienced that emotion. But we'll get there, okay. So,

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Speaker 2: in light of your experience, which do you think is

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Speaker 2: better a long, gradual goodbye or a quick unexpected death?

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Speaker 3: And why so? I actually had this very conversation with

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Speaker 3: one of my old coworkers who's his mom had cancer,

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Speaker 3: and so we both thought as we were having this

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Speaker 3: discussion that the other way would be the better way,

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Speaker 3: Like he thought the quick way would be better because

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Speaker 3: my mom died unexpectedly and very quick after a knee surgery,

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Speaker 3: she developed a blood clot and then it it just

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Speaker 3: she passed out and just never woke up.

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Speaker 1: Did she know about the could she feel the blood clot?

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Speaker 3: Do you know? Oh, my mom was actually a nurse,

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Speaker 3: so she knew that she had a blood clot. She

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Speaker 3: drove herself to the hospital. They gave her some blood

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Speaker 3: thinners or something, discharged her after a couple of days,

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Speaker 3: and as soon as she got out of the car

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Speaker 3: from being discharged, she fell down and never woke up again. Yeah. Wow,

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Speaker 3: so very like, what's happening? And this is when I

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Speaker 3: was living in New York and she was in Mississippi,

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Speaker 3: and so I was getting all these phone calls. This

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Speaker 3: is back in the day when you couldn't talk on

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Speaker 3: the phone on the train, right.

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Speaker 1: Cause niggas be on the phone on the train all

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Speaker 1: the time, Like who are you talking to on the ground.

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Speaker 3: So I when I first moved there, that's when people

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Speaker 3: would be like, if you see anybody on the phone

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Speaker 3: on the train, they're crazy because you can't talk on

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Speaker 3: the phone on the train. But now you can, So

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Speaker 3: I can't use that rule anymore. But I thought that

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Speaker 3: the long goodbye would be better, only because I felt

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Speaker 3: like I had so many questions. Yeah, I just wanted

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Speaker 3: to like sit there. I wanted to record her. If

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Speaker 3: I had a long goodbye, I would have recorded me

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Speaker 3: asking her a lot of questions, yeah, hearing her voice.

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Speaker 3: Just I would have just took so many more pictures

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Speaker 3: of her body, you know, Like it's like sometimes I

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Speaker 3: sort of forget how her hair, like the texture of

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Speaker 3: her hair actually was, because she blew it out a lot,

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Speaker 3: and so I wish I would have had just more pictures,

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Speaker 3: more time. And even though the longer bye, I feel

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Speaker 3: like is starting the grieving process earlier because you know

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Speaker 3: that this person is going to pass away eventually. I

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Speaker 3: just think it gives you so much more time to

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Speaker 3: get questions answered hopefully, you know, if the person can

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Speaker 3: still like speak and make decisions and stuff like that.

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Speaker 3: It's like what do you what would you want me

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Speaker 3: to do with the house? You know, you know, instead

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Speaker 3: of like just guessing, I just felt like I was

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Speaker 3: guessing at everything because my mom was passing was so unexpected,

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Speaker 3: and I felt pressure to make her proud and like

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Speaker 3: make sure I was doing it right. I know, I

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Speaker 3: still don't know if I was like doing it right.

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Speaker 3: I was just trying to like make sure stuff was

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Speaker 3: getting done. So yeah, in my opinion, I think the

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Speaker 3: long goodbye is probably a little bit more grueling, but

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Speaker 3: I think it gives you more opportunity to ask questions

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Speaker 3: and basically interview this person before they go.

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Speaker 2: You know, that's so funny that you said that, because

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Speaker 2: my grandmother, she died from Alzheimer's slash the mission, and

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Speaker 2: I feel like I was just so caught up in

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Speaker 2: a moment that I didn't never I feel like I

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Speaker 2: didn't get to.

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Speaker 1: Know my grandmother as a woman.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and I feel like who I am now was

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Speaker 2: just like being in love with storytelling and like sharing

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Speaker 2: our stories and stuff. Like I would just have love

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Speaker 2: to like just sit down and like just collect so

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Speaker 2: much from her, like because sometimes I even like, like

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Speaker 2: my grandmother, I don't know if you're a spiritual, but

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Speaker 2: like my grandmother, like she doesn't she really doesn't come

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Speaker 2: and visit me my dreams.

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Speaker 1: So sometimes I have like a bad.

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Speaker 2: Day whatever, and I'm like, damn, I wish I had

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Speaker 2: my grandma with me and just like that she'll come

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Speaker 2: in my dream like, because sometimes you forget their voice

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Speaker 2: or you forget how they smell and stuff, and then

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Speaker 2: they would just come and it's just like, oh my goodness,

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Speaker 2: like it feels so real, and I just be feeling like, Okay,

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Speaker 2: this did happen, like you are with me, you know

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Speaker 2: that type of feeling. So I agree, I wish that.

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Speaker 2: I mean, it did take her. It felt like it

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Speaker 2: took a long time for her to transition, But I

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Speaker 2: wish I would have been a little bit more proactive

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Speaker 2: in doing certain things to capture those memories that I

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Speaker 2: only have in my heart.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. I agree with the thing he said about like

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Speaker 3: not getting to know her as the woman. Yeah. When

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Speaker 3: my mom first passed away, I had this sort of

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Speaker 3: long period of feeling super guilty because all of the

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Speaker 3: things that I was remembering, all of the memories that

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Speaker 3: I was keeping, had to do with meet. I'll be like, oh,

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Speaker 3: I remember my seventh birthday, and I'm like, no, I'm

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Speaker 3: trying to remember her, but it was just so focused

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Speaker 3: on me that it was almost like every memory I

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Speaker 3: have is of her just being a mom, and I

246
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Speaker 3: didn't really know her as a woman. Yeah. Yeah, and

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Speaker 3: I would have loved to My mom passed two weeks

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Speaker 3: after I turned thirty. So we were just entering this

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Speaker 3: like exodus from mom to friend. You know, we were

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Speaker 3: just just now getting to the point where we call

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Speaker 3: each other, like, girl, what you're doing, what you're watching

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Speaker 3: on TV? It was just to that point and then

253
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Speaker 3: this happened. So I feel like I really didn't get

254
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Speaker 3: to know her in the best way. But that's why

255
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:46,839
Speaker 3: I always, like I asked, she had a four sisters

256
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Speaker 3: and a brother, and so I'll ask, like, what's your

257
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Speaker 3: favorite memory of my mom and when ya was growing

258
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Speaker 3: up or whatever, Like I asked other people that knew her,

259
00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:57,560
Speaker 3: trying to these together this person that I only knew

260
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Speaker 3: as my mother, you know what I mean?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, No, I totally get it. I totally get it.

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Speaker 1: So when you found out that your mom collapsed, where,

263
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Speaker 1: like where were you at?

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Speaker 3: Like?

265
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Speaker 1: What how did you find out?

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Speaker 3: Who called you? Okay? So I was on I was

267
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Speaker 3: coming home from work in New York. I was working

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Speaker 3: in Manhattan and living in Brooklyn and Crown Heights.

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Speaker 2: And I used to live in Crown Heights. By the way,

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Speaker 2: I know you from somewhere.

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Speaker 3: This is weird.

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Speaker 1: I used to live Utay.

273
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Speaker 3: I was on Sterling Place between Rogers and Elstrand.

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Speaker 2: We probably saw each other on the train, because I

275
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Speaker 2: seen your face somewhere on the four train.

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Speaker 3: I don't even remember what train, I said. I think

277
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Speaker 3: I took the egg on one way and the two

278
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Speaker 3: coming back, Is that right? I don't know, Yeah, I

279
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:50,680
Speaker 3: don't know, all right. I don't remember the B forty four.

280
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Speaker 3: I know I took the B forty four sometimes.

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Speaker 1: Oh see, I don't take no bus. I can't take

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Speaker 1: the bus. Oh yeah, bust of the New York be

283
00:14:57,840 --> 00:14:59,480
Speaker 1: stressing me out right.

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Speaker 3: No, it was a time, A time was had. But

285
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:06,200
Speaker 3: so I was on the train coming back coming home

286
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Speaker 3: from work, and like I said before, like you know,

287
00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:13,480
Speaker 3: you couldn't talk on the phone on the train back then.

288
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Speaker 3: So when as I was coming up the stairs, my

289
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:21,480
Speaker 3: phone was going crazy and it was all these it

290
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:28,000
Speaker 3: was family tweets, messages, calls, everything staying call home, call home,

291
00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:31,920
Speaker 3: call home. Wow. And so I called my mom's house

292
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Speaker 3: and my mom lived alone, and this random lady picked

293
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Speaker 3: up the phone and I was like, hello, like who

294
00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:41,640
Speaker 3: is this? Yeah, I was like, is my mommy there?

295
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:46,280
Speaker 3: And she was like, So my mom was a nurse

296
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Speaker 3: and she had all these nurse friends and they're very

297
00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:55,400
Speaker 3: nonchalant when it comes to nurse things. Yeah. Yeah. And

298
00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:58,040
Speaker 3: so she was like, Oh, she outside on the ground.

299
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Speaker 3: We waiting on the ambulance. I think she having a

300
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Speaker 3: little shroke. I said, what now, this is me coming

301
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:08,040
Speaker 3: in blind because nobody in the tweeter, in the twitters

302
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:11,840
Speaker 3: or the messages had said your mom has collapsed. Nobody

303
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:15,400
Speaker 3: said anything. They just said call home, right right, And

304
00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:21,520
Speaker 3: so I was like, excuse me. What I was like,

305
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:24,880
Speaker 3: is she okay? Can I talk to her? And she

306
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:28,200
Speaker 3: was like, she's not really saying anything. We're waiting on

307
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,880
Speaker 3: the ambulance and I'll call you back when, you know,

308
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,080
Speaker 3: when I find out what hospital they're taking her to.

309
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:37,040
Speaker 3: The ambulance is taking her to. Now, apparently what this

310
00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:39,760
Speaker 3: lady had done was she looked at my mom's phone

311
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Speaker 3: and she found the first person that said aunt, so

312
00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,080
Speaker 3: and so the first person I looked like family.

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Speaker 1: Oh so yeah, she know each other like that.

314
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Speaker 3: I don't know that lady. Oh wow. I did not

315
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:56,600
Speaker 3: know that lady at all. And so she called the

316
00:16:56,760 --> 00:17:00,200
Speaker 3: oldest aunt. This aunt was probably ninety something years old

317
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:03,160
Speaker 3: at the time when she called her. And then aunt

318
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:07,879
Speaker 3: called one of my mom's sisters, like, apparently Diane and

319
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:11,800
Speaker 3: fell down somewhere and nobody could get in touch with right.

320
00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:18,920
Speaker 3: So that's basically how it all started. And then by

321
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:23,240
Speaker 3: the time they took her to the hospital, you know,

322
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:27,919
Speaker 3: they don't give any information over the phone, Yeah, unless

323
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:31,560
Speaker 3: the person authorizes you. And my mom came in unconscious,

324
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:36,040
Speaker 3: so they could not tell me anything. And so I

325
00:17:36,119 --> 00:17:38,600
Speaker 3: had my one of my mom's sisters that lives in

326
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,720
Speaker 3: LA I had her on the phone on a three

327
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:44,040
Speaker 3: way call with the hospital and I said, Auntie, they're

328
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:47,080
Speaker 3: not telling me anything. They won't tell me anything. And

329
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,000
Speaker 3: by this time I had already booked a flight. I

330
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:53,520
Speaker 3: was like, I'm going tomorrow, like I'm down there, and

331
00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:58,520
Speaker 3: my aunt asked a very cru crucial question. She asked

332
00:17:58,520 --> 00:17:59,959
Speaker 3: the lady. She was like, I know you can't tell

333
00:18:00,119 --> 00:18:03,840
Speaker 3: us anything, but if this were your family member, what

334
00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:06,720
Speaker 3: would you be doing right now? And the lady said,

335
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:09,639
Speaker 3: if this was my family member, I would be on

336
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:14,720
Speaker 3: the next flight. And I was like, and that's when

337
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:19,679
Speaker 3: I was like, I'm not ready, right right, I'm not ready.

338
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:22,560
Speaker 3: I don't know anything. Like literally, one of my mom's

339
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:25,000
Speaker 3: last text to me was I put seven hundred and

340
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:27,840
Speaker 3: fifty thousan on your account. Like I just I wasn't

341
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:30,600
Speaker 3: an adult yet. I didn't feel ready. I just felt

342
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:36,200
Speaker 3: like I was still so dependent. So yeah, it was.

343
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:40,840
Speaker 3: It was a time. It was a really crazy, crazy

344
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:44,119
Speaker 3: time to be like I just turned thirty. Off's a giddy,

345
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:47,080
Speaker 3: I'm grown.

346
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:48,880
Speaker 1: I'm that bitch.

347
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:57,880
Speaker 3: Thirty thirties. Baby, we better get lit. No, now, sit

348
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:04,360
Speaker 3: down and cry because basically that's yeah. So she actually

349
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:09,239
Speaker 3: never like woke up or whatever, and I had to, Uh,

350
00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:11,159
Speaker 3: she was on a ventilator, so I had to like

351
00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:13,440
Speaker 3: do the whole thing of signing the papers like four

352
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:15,600
Speaker 3: days later. I think I signed the papers for her

353
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:19,639
Speaker 3: to like get taken off the ventilator, and I waited

354
00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:22,040
Speaker 3: for like some more family to come in and then

355
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:27,600
Speaker 3: sign the papers or whatever. But yeah, it was. I

356
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:33,320
Speaker 3: always say that, like my mom's passing was very tough.

357
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:36,719
Speaker 3: It was very difficult for me, But I think it

358
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:41,879
Speaker 3: was just the catalyst because what happened after that is

359
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:47,439
Speaker 3: that everybody, seemingly everybody started dying. Like I had like

360
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:52,919
Speaker 3: uncles die, my two dogs died one year apart, and

361
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:54,840
Speaker 3: then like my dad died.

362
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,120
Speaker 1: What was the timeframe between your mom and dad?

363
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:03,199
Speaker 3: Five years? Wow. Yeah. So my dad died when I

364
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:04,720
Speaker 3: was about to turn thirty five.

365
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:09,400
Speaker 1: If you're mind share, he had.

366
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:10,040
Speaker 3: A massive artist.

367
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:11,760
Speaker 2: Wow.

368
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:15,040
Speaker 3: His was very sudden as well. It wasn't no like, hey,

369
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:19,040
Speaker 3: you know he's in the hospital. He just again another

370
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:22,280
Speaker 3: one that just went down. And then I had like friends.

371
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:25,280
Speaker 3: I work in advertising and one of my like ad

372
00:20:25,359 --> 00:20:31,160
Speaker 3: mentors a young black guy. He was I think we

373
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:32,960
Speaker 3: were either the same age or he might have been

374
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:36,000
Speaker 3: a little younger than me. He passed away the same

375
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:38,760
Speaker 3: way that my mom did, with a blood clot after

376
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:43,199
Speaker 3: a knee surgery. It was so crazy, wow. And so

377
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,760
Speaker 3: I was just going to at least two to three

378
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:51,800
Speaker 3: funerals a year after her, and it just felt like

379
00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:54,720
Speaker 3: I started just feeling like what am I here for?

380
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:06,960
Speaker 2: Did you ever feel like you just weren't going to

381
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:11,399
Speaker 2: make it? Because my grandmother passed away when I was

382
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:15,280
Speaker 2: twenty nine, and I was ready to tap out, like

383
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,760
Speaker 2: I just could not continue life anymore.

384
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:24,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, I definitely felt like I didn't see the purpose

385
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:30,560
Speaker 3: I felt, especially because again I'm an only child. I

386
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:34,639
Speaker 3: don't have any children. My grandparents had already passed away

387
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:39,360
Speaker 3: some years back, and so my grandparents were deceased, My

388
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:42,399
Speaker 3: parents were deceased, and even my dogs were de seased.

389
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:43,600
Speaker 3: I had no man, no.

390
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:47,400
Speaker 1: Kids, girl going through it.

391
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:52,520
Speaker 3: I was like, what it's the purpose? I mean, did

392
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:54,840
Speaker 3: I was like it might be a punished like did

393
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,200
Speaker 3: I step on like some kind of holy bug at

394
00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:02,080
Speaker 3: some point? Because holy I'm sorry, you know what I'm saying.

395
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:08,840
Speaker 3: I'm like, I repent and yeah, it just it just

396
00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:12,000
Speaker 3: seemingly to me, it felt like it was never ending.

397
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:15,600
Speaker 3: It was like one hit after another hit after another hit,

398
00:22:16,359 --> 00:22:21,199
Speaker 3: and I just felt kind of like a disappointment I was.

399
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:23,840
Speaker 3: I was grieving those people, but I was also grieving

400
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:28,879
Speaker 3: the life that I thought I would have. Yeah, and

401
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:31,560
Speaker 3: so I think grieving the life that I thought I

402
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:34,480
Speaker 3: would have, Like I thought I would be married, have kids,

403
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:36,720
Speaker 3: and my mom would be a grandmother and we would

404
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:40,560
Speaker 3: be over the grandma's house, and like I pictured this

405
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:46,200
Speaker 3: whole life for myself and it just poof went away instantly.

406
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:51,400
Speaker 3: And I think that was even harder to be I'm

407
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:54,520
Speaker 3: still dealing with that because I'm just like, I'm trying

408
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:57,960
Speaker 3: to be happy with the life that I have, but

409
00:22:58,119 --> 00:23:03,600
Speaker 3: it's hard to imagine, like unimagined something that you've been

410
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:06,240
Speaker 3: thinking about since you were little. You know what I mean.

411
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:08,560
Speaker 1: No, I get it, I get it. You know, grief

412
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:09,119
Speaker 1: is grief.

413
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:13,720
Speaker 2: Ain't no bitch grief at all. Yeah, it took me

414
00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:15,920
Speaker 2: a very long time. And I don't think you would

415
00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:19,439
Speaker 2: ever be okay with the people you love not no

416
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:21,360
Speaker 2: longer being here. I just think you just learned how

417
00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:23,479
Speaker 2: to deal with it better as time goes on.

418
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:24,560
Speaker 3: Yeah.

419
00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:25,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, because I feel like.

420
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:28,639
Speaker 2: My just with my grandma, Like it took me a

421
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:30,919
Speaker 2: long time to accept the fact that she was no

422
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:34,240
Speaker 2: longer here because I never experienced death before. So to

423
00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:36,600
Speaker 2: be able to experience depth from somebody that you consider

424
00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:39,320
Speaker 2: her mom is like, that's a that's a hard pill

425
00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:39,840
Speaker 2: to swallow.

426
00:23:40,359 --> 00:23:43,159
Speaker 3: Oh man. I think my grandmother was my first like

427
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:48,360
Speaker 3: family death as well. And like I said, my mom

428
00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:51,159
Speaker 3: was a nurse. And so when my my grandmother was

429
00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:54,240
Speaker 3: like she had she had told everybody, do not recess

430
00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:57,679
Speaker 3: to take me. God is in control your grandma. My

431
00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:01,800
Speaker 3: grandma said that. She said she the DNR like, now

432
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:05,240
Speaker 3: recessitate me, stop, don't try like if got if it's

433
00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:08,080
Speaker 3: my chance or my turn to go, And she was

434
00:24:08,119 --> 00:24:11,240
Speaker 3: really let me go. It was red d honey. She

435
00:24:11,359 --> 00:24:14,720
Speaker 3: was like I'm ready to see my God, okay. And

436
00:24:15,359 --> 00:24:19,600
Speaker 3: so meanwhile, I'm I'm at the house like back in Mississippi,

437
00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:22,399
Speaker 3: and my mom was my grandmother lived in Chicago, and

438
00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:24,840
Speaker 3: my mom was there, like some family members were there

439
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:28,440
Speaker 3: at grandma's house. And I don't think my mom wanted

440
00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:29,960
Speaker 3: me to be there. She probably knew I would be

441
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:33,480
Speaker 3: too emotional or whatever, and so she called me. She

442
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:38,160
Speaker 3: was like, yeah, Grandma's vitals are going down and her

443
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:41,560
Speaker 3: heart isn't beating like it was or whatever something. I said,

444
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,720
Speaker 3: do what you gotta do, right, You know how to

445
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,560
Speaker 3: recess the time, I said, you know how to cepr

446
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:49,480
Speaker 3: that thing right on back? And here she goes, she

447
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:54,639
Speaker 3: doesn't want that. I don't care. Yeah, she didn't know

448
00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:55,720
Speaker 3: what she was talking about.

449
00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:56,520
Speaker 4: Yet.

450
00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:58,800
Speaker 1: My grandma was ready to be with the Lord.

451
00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:03,479
Speaker 3: Baby. Ohay, she said, dude, not recess to say. I'm tired.

452
00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:06,000
Speaker 3: I have lived and done everything I was supposed to do.

453
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:09,560
Speaker 2: But what a beautiful life to live to get to

454
00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:13,120
Speaker 2: that point where you're okay to be like I'm ready

455
00:25:13,119 --> 00:25:14,960
Speaker 2: to go, I'm ready to be with the Lord. Like

456
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,240
Speaker 2: I'm not there yet, oh.

457
00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:23,679
Speaker 3: Please, at all? Not at all? Oh? And that's the

458
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:25,440
Speaker 3: thing like that was one of her things, like God

459
00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:28,159
Speaker 3: is in control. She always staying that. So she just

460
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:30,160
Speaker 3: I think she just felt like, if it's my time

461
00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:31,640
Speaker 3: to go, it's my time to go. Yeah.

462
00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:35,720
Speaker 2: Now, in what ways have you noticed grief manifesting in

463
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:38,600
Speaker 2: your life when it comes to emotionally, mentally and physically.

464
00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:46,359
Speaker 3: Oh well, physically I had. I went through this whole

465
00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:51,480
Speaker 3: time period of like, I'm an emotional eater, so like

466
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:57,159
Speaker 3: I was just eating a lot, eating, crying, sleeping, you know,

467
00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:01,680
Speaker 3: not in that order, but maybe maybe in that order.

468
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:08,439
Speaker 3: And so I gained a lot of weights. And you know,

469
00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:15,920
Speaker 3: the weirdest thing was that I started being like very introverted.

470
00:26:16,359 --> 00:26:18,359
Speaker 3: I'm I'm kind of I always say I'm kind of

471
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:24,480
Speaker 3: like an extroverted introvert. But I started being super introverted

472
00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:30,760
Speaker 3: because I didn't want I didn't feel like pretending anymore. Yeah,

473
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:33,160
Speaker 3: I didn't want to go out and be like hey girl,

474
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:36,080
Speaker 3: people like how are you doing? How you being? I'm good,

475
00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:38,720
Speaker 3: I'm good, I'm I'm making it. I'm I didn't feel

476
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:41,720
Speaker 3: like it. I don't want to. I just wanted to

477
00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:46,080
Speaker 3: like sulk, be in my house and be alone. You know,

478
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:49,440
Speaker 3: my phone was barely ringing anyway. So I'm like I'm

479
00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:53,760
Speaker 3: good here by myself. And that was a little bit

480
00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:58,360
Speaker 3: of a switch into I think that's where I started

481
00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:02,440
Speaker 3: isolating and like switched over into depression. It went from like, oh,

482
00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:06,120
Speaker 3: I'm an introvert, I'm at the house to like, no,

483
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,720
Speaker 3: I'm like becoming one with the bed.

484
00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:10,320
Speaker 1: Yeah.

485
00:27:10,359 --> 00:27:16,840
Speaker 3: Mentally, of course, like the depression set in and it

486
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:22,160
Speaker 3: was just a lot of I was just I think

487
00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:25,520
Speaker 3: I was beating myself up. I beg myself. It was

488
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:27,399
Speaker 3: like am I making her proud? Am I doing the

489
00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:32,439
Speaker 3: right thing? You know? Would she want me to do this?

490
00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:35,280
Speaker 3: Like it was almost like I had decision paralysis, Like

491
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:39,000
Speaker 3: I couldn't make any decisions anymore. Where I used to

492
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:41,600
Speaker 3: just be like I'm moving to New York, I'm going

493
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:44,560
Speaker 3: over here, I'm going over here, and like I couldn't

494
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:48,600
Speaker 3: do Yeah, I wanted to make her proud, so I

495
00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:50,480
Speaker 3: was like would my mom want me to do this?

496
00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:55,119
Speaker 3: Or should I should not? I couldn't make a decision.

497
00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:59,960
Speaker 3: And I realized that like even though my mom was

498
00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:05,560
Speaker 3: helping me make decisions, I would always run things past her, like, hey, mommy,

499
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,159
Speaker 3: I'm moving to New York. What you think about that,

500
00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:11,720
Speaker 3: She's like like she yes or no, but like I

501
00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:19,240
Speaker 3: didn't have that filtersurance. Yeah. Yeah, that's when you know

502
00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:23,440
Speaker 3: depression really like it knocked me down and I tried

503
00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:25,760
Speaker 3: to find it. Like, what's the line say, I tried

504
00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:32,080
Speaker 3: to sexy away.

505
00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:35,200
Speaker 1: She said she tried to sex it away, shopping.

506
00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:39,840
Speaker 3: Away to do all of that and she was still there. Right,

507
00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:41,880
Speaker 3: Oh that did not.

508
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:45,520
Speaker 1: Work, Like that's a fact. Yeah.

509
00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:48,280
Speaker 3: I found out that, like there's no love like a

510
00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:51,000
Speaker 3: mother's love, you know, if you got a good one,

511
00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:54,920
Speaker 3: there's no love like that one. And I was trying

512
00:28:54,960 --> 00:29:00,880
Speaker 3: to like feel love from these knucklehaired negroes that void. Yeah,

513
00:29:01,040 --> 00:29:04,160
Speaker 3: and it just wasn't giving. It was all. It all

514
00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:07,160
Speaker 3: seemed very conditional.

515
00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:08,200
Speaker 1: And that makes you even more angrier.

516
00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:12,640
Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, I was just going through it. I

517
00:29:12,680 --> 00:29:16,600
Speaker 3: was talking to some knucklehead Brooklyn dude. God at the

518
00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:19,080
Speaker 3: time when she passed away, I was like just fooling

519
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:21,720
Speaker 3: around with this Brooklyn guy. And that was the worst

520
00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:24,760
Speaker 3: thing that could have happened because I latched onto him

521
00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:26,880
Speaker 3: and he wasn't a latch on type.

522
00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:36,200
Speaker 4: Like drug it should have been released, right, But I

523
00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:38,360
Speaker 4: was just holding on me because he was the only

524
00:29:38,440 --> 00:29:41,560
Speaker 4: person like he would come over and like took me things,

525
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:43,880
Speaker 4: but probably.

526
00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:45,880
Speaker 3: Because he didn't have a place to stay or something.

527
00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:52,520
Speaker 3: Was he was definitely a hobo, a hobo sexual correct.

528
00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:57,360
Speaker 3: But yeah, I struggled in that department and I feel

529
00:29:57,400 --> 00:30:00,560
Speaker 3: like I still struggle a little bit with the dudes. Yeah.

530
00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:03,120
Speaker 3: I just like, y'all ain't gonna love me, right, so

531
00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:04,040
Speaker 3: just leave me alone.

532
00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:06,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm surprised you're not celibate unless you are.

533
00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:12,360
Speaker 3: I am, But it's not like a on a one

534
00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:16,440
Speaker 3: purpose like I am celibate. There's no like decree. It's

535
00:30:16,560 --> 00:30:19,600
Speaker 3: just like I ain't really fooling with me right now,

536
00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:22,160
Speaker 3: like y'all don't really, y'all give me the it.

537
00:30:22,800 --> 00:30:25,640
Speaker 1: Yes, a lot of shit in what it's in the pool?

538
00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:29,840
Speaker 3: In the pool, Yeah, it's a whole diarrhea in there.

539
00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:33,480
Speaker 1: Yeah. Do you know if depression run run in your family?

540
00:30:34,480 --> 00:30:38,640
Speaker 3: So that's the thing. I do remember that when my

541
00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:46,320
Speaker 3: grandmother passed, my mom was diagnosed with depression. And I

542
00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:49,160
Speaker 3: only remember that because she we had a conversation about

543
00:30:49,200 --> 00:30:53,360
Speaker 3: it and in one of my therapy sessions, like of course,

544
00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:57,440
Speaker 3: years later or whatever, they said, do you think your

545
00:30:57,520 --> 00:31:01,400
Speaker 3: mom taught you how to greem. I thought that was

546
00:31:01,520 --> 00:31:04,800
Speaker 3: so interesting because I did see how sad she was

547
00:31:04,840 --> 00:31:07,560
Speaker 3: when my grandmother passed away, and I did see how

548
00:31:07,560 --> 00:31:10,600
Speaker 3: she just stayed in the house and it seemed like

549
00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:17,080
Speaker 3: I was repeating that pattern. And so yeah, yeah, I

550
00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:19,720
Speaker 3: was like, that is super interesting, maybe because you know,

551
00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:24,360
Speaker 3: if you see somebody grieving because their mom died, and

552
00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:26,840
Speaker 3: then your mom dies, it's kind of like you know

553
00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:28,080
Speaker 3: what to do already.

554
00:31:27,840 --> 00:31:29,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, because you was there.

555
00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:36,280
Speaker 3: I was there. Yeah, I feel like maybe so you know,

556
00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:41,280
Speaker 3: I mean I I have turned into, like, uh, a

557
00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:45,120
Speaker 3: version of what she was doing. She in the house.

558
00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:52,960
Speaker 3: She watched cash Cab cab. She would she would tell

559
00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:56,240
Speaker 3: me trade cash cab is on turn the USA or whatever.

560
00:31:56,360 --> 00:31:57,720
Speaker 3: Child the child.

561
00:31:59,400 --> 00:31:59,920
Speaker 1: People love it.

562
00:32:02,040 --> 00:32:03,920
Speaker 3: They'd try to beat the people in the bag.

563
00:32:04,280 --> 00:32:04,680
Speaker 1: Listen.

564
00:32:05,080 --> 00:32:07,600
Speaker 2: I do feel like there should be like some classes

565
00:32:07,720 --> 00:32:09,880
Speaker 2: or something, or just some manual when it comes to

566
00:32:10,040 --> 00:32:12,720
Speaker 2: like like maybe somebody in the federal homes can come

567
00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:14,600
Speaker 2: up with this. But when it comes to like grieving,

568
00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:16,880
Speaker 2: and I know there's no right way to grieve, but

569
00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:19,360
Speaker 2: I just think that I wish I were to receive

570
00:32:19,440 --> 00:32:21,880
Speaker 2: something when it came to like what to expect because

571
00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:24,320
Speaker 2: I didn't know what the hell I was going through,

572
00:32:24,480 --> 00:32:26,320
Speaker 2: Like I thought I was about to pass away my

573
00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:27,000
Speaker 2: damn self.

574
00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:30,800
Speaker 3: Mm hmm, yeah, it is.

575
00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:34,040
Speaker 1: It's very intense, so hard.

576
00:32:34,120 --> 00:32:37,960
Speaker 3: And then like because people kept dying after that, I

577
00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:41,360
Speaker 3: think I became like numb. Like now I'm the one that,

578
00:32:41,440 --> 00:32:43,360
Speaker 3: like I go to a funeral, I could speak, I

579
00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:45,360
Speaker 3: could do all you need me to read the thing. Okay,

580
00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:49,120
Speaker 3: I'm so like numb to it all. I'm just like

581
00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:55,280
Speaker 3: I'm zoning out right, I'm not even really there and

582
00:32:55,880 --> 00:32:58,360
Speaker 3: it's it's just you, right, and there needs to be

583
00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:03,120
Speaker 3: some sort of court class. Or actually when my mom

584
00:33:03,280 --> 00:33:06,240
Speaker 3: passed away, when I came back to New York from Mississippi,

585
00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:11,320
Speaker 3: I had hosted on Facebook, Hey New York friends, does

586
00:33:11,360 --> 00:33:17,040
Speaker 3: anybody have a grief counselor a grief and I actually

587
00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:21,280
Speaker 3: found a really great one who talked me down from

588
00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:24,040
Speaker 3: a lot of ledges. Like there was times when I

589
00:33:24,320 --> 00:33:26,560
Speaker 3: don't even think I don't know if I would be

590
00:33:26,640 --> 00:33:30,680
Speaker 3: here if I didn't immediately start grief counseling because it

591
00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:32,120
Speaker 3: was just like I just want to go be with

592
00:33:32,160 --> 00:33:34,360
Speaker 3: my mama at this point because I don't know what

593
00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:38,720
Speaker 3: y'all on y'all, y'all, don't act like my mama. Y'all,

594
00:33:39,440 --> 00:33:43,040
Speaker 3: ain't nobody really loving me? Like, ain't nobody ever gonna

595
00:33:43,040 --> 00:33:46,440
Speaker 3: love me like that? That was the realization that hit

596
00:33:46,560 --> 00:33:47,160
Speaker 3: the hardest.

597
00:33:47,480 --> 00:33:49,320
Speaker 1: Yeah, I was so mad at god. I was like, Yo,

598
00:33:49,360 --> 00:33:49,880
Speaker 1: you took.

599
00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:53,880
Speaker 2: The one person same, the one person that fucked with

600
00:33:53,920 --> 00:33:56,560
Speaker 2: me unconditionally.

601
00:33:55,920 --> 00:34:00,080
Speaker 3: Unconditionally, and just snatched them real.

602
00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:02,760
Speaker 2: Like you didn't even give me a chance to like

603
00:34:02,880 --> 00:34:05,360
Speaker 2: do anything, like it's right?

604
00:34:05,680 --> 00:34:06,360
Speaker 1: Are you okay?

605
00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:07,800
Speaker 3: You mad? What's wrong?

606
00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:12,880
Speaker 2: I was like so confused, Oh my goodness, But I

607
00:34:12,920 --> 00:34:15,400
Speaker 2: feel like, correct me if I'm wrong.

608
00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:17,920
Speaker 1: But I feel like, did you have a support system?

609
00:34:17,920 --> 00:34:21,120
Speaker 2: Because when I was watching your videos she smiled, y'all,

610
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:24,120
Speaker 2: when I was watching your videos, I feel like you

611
00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:27,920
Speaker 2: didn't really have that homegirl or like friends, like and

612
00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:29,839
Speaker 2: maybe you had your family and stuff, but like you said,

613
00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:33,040
Speaker 2: nobody's like your mom, But like, did you have anybody

614
00:34:33,040 --> 00:34:33,640
Speaker 2: that was there for you?

615
00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:34,399
Speaker 1: Because I feel like.

616
00:34:34,320 --> 00:34:37,600
Speaker 2: When you're going through depression, especially when others are not

617
00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:40,640
Speaker 2: they haven't went through anything similar to what you're going through.

618
00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:42,719
Speaker 2: I feel like there's a lot of stigma right there,

619
00:34:42,719 --> 00:34:44,520
Speaker 2: and then people judge you and then they don't want

620
00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:45,439
Speaker 2: to fuck with you no more.

621
00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:55,440
Speaker 3: Yeah. So that's a good question, I think because everyone

622
00:34:55,520 --> 00:35:02,560
Speaker 3: grieves differently, people do not know how to handle your grief. Yeah.

623
00:35:02,960 --> 00:35:08,480
Speaker 3: And so the way that myke that people were supporting

624
00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:13,879
Speaker 3: me quote unquote was sort of like just texting randomly like, hey,

625
00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:16,600
Speaker 3: hope you're doing good. Let me know if you need anything.

626
00:35:16,640 --> 00:35:18,000
Speaker 3: I'm not gonna let you know nothing.

627
00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:19,360
Speaker 1: I don't even know what I need.

628
00:35:19,960 --> 00:35:22,160
Speaker 3: Exactly, I don't I'm not gonna let you know nothing.

629
00:35:22,239 --> 00:35:24,520
Speaker 3: When my mom first passed away, like I had a group,

630
00:35:24,560 --> 00:35:27,000
Speaker 3: a core group of like four best friends that like

631
00:35:27,520 --> 00:35:31,080
Speaker 3: really hopped on it. And the sweetest thing that they

632
00:35:31,120 --> 00:35:32,920
Speaker 3: did was because they all couldn't be there is they

633
00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:36,359
Speaker 3: live in different states. But the sweetest thing that they

634
00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:42,080
Speaker 3: did was they all sent their moms. So one mom beautiful. Yeah.

635
00:35:42,239 --> 00:35:44,719
Speaker 3: One mom was able to talk her way into the

636
00:35:44,760 --> 00:35:46,840
Speaker 3: hospital because she used to work there and so she

637
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:49,080
Speaker 3: was able to get me information. She was called sneaking

638
00:35:49,120 --> 00:35:51,400
Speaker 3: me call and giving me updates before I got there,

639
00:35:52,239 --> 00:35:55,239
Speaker 3: and the other moms were like making me food and

640
00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:59,400
Speaker 3: bringing me food, and they all spoke at the memorial service.

641
00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:01,439
Speaker 3: So it was like I had like a rally of

642
00:36:01,760 --> 00:36:07,799
Speaker 3: other people's moms, which I thought was very special. Yeah, yeah,

643
00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:09,720
Speaker 3: for sure. I don't go out that then that on purpose,

644
00:36:09,800 --> 00:36:12,200
Speaker 3: like hey, I'm gonna go over there, needs you or whatever.

645
00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:15,719
Speaker 3: But like I had grown up with these people, like

646
00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:19,120
Speaker 3: basically they're extended family because my best friends are like

647
00:36:19,160 --> 00:36:23,000
Speaker 3: my sisters because I don't have any, you know, So

648
00:36:23,600 --> 00:36:26,640
Speaker 3: they just all like jumped into action, and I really

649
00:36:26,719 --> 00:36:32,040
Speaker 3: thought that was awesome. But what happened is over time,

650
00:36:32,120 --> 00:36:35,080
Speaker 3: people just expect you to be better sort of immediately.

651
00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:36,360
Speaker 1: That's a fact.

652
00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:40,040
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, And so over time, when I was still

653
00:36:40,160 --> 00:36:44,200
Speaker 3: sad and still grieving, people stopped knowing how to interact

654
00:36:44,239 --> 00:36:47,279
Speaker 3: with me because like I'm tired of checking me in

655
00:36:47,320 --> 00:36:50,840
Speaker 3: on her, like yeah, we don't want to do nothing,

656
00:36:51,280 --> 00:36:55,040
Speaker 3: Let's let's go to brunch, let's do the other I'm like, no,

657
00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:58,640
Speaker 3: I'm good, Like I just didn't. I wasn't there yet,

658
00:36:59,040 --> 00:37:02,000
Speaker 3: and so people just sort of faded away with the

659
00:37:02,680 --> 00:37:07,400
Speaker 3: support because it wasn't I guess in a timely fact fashion.

660
00:37:08,719 --> 00:37:11,000
Speaker 3: I had never experienced my mama dying before, so I

661
00:37:11,080 --> 00:37:13,200
Speaker 3: wasn't like I didn't know how long it was gonna take.

662
00:37:13,400 --> 00:37:17,200
Speaker 1: I mean so, yeah, are you still cool with them?

663
00:37:18,360 --> 00:37:21,400
Speaker 3: I am. I'm still cool with a couple of them, Okay.

664
00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:24,920
Speaker 3: And that's that's another thing. Like one of them her

665
00:37:25,560 --> 00:37:32,000
Speaker 3: dad passed away, and she didn't think that we supported

666
00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:35,799
Speaker 3: her in the way that she should have supported and so,

667
00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:40,800
Speaker 3: like we said, everybody grieves differently, and so you really

668
00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:44,279
Speaker 3: don't know how to support those people if they don't

669
00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:48,000
Speaker 3: communicate it and if you don't ask. So that is

670
00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:51,640
Speaker 3: something I learned from that experience, just to ask, like,

671
00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:54,520
Speaker 3: you know, even though sometimes they're not gonna tell you,

672
00:37:54,520 --> 00:37:56,479
Speaker 3: because I wouldn't have probably told them if somebody asked

673
00:37:56,480 --> 00:37:59,000
Speaker 3: me just let me know how I can support you,

674
00:37:59,040 --> 00:37:59,839
Speaker 3: I wouldn't have told them.

675
00:37:59,880 --> 00:38:01,120
Speaker 1: She Yeah, I wouldn't.

676
00:38:01,160 --> 00:38:02,759
Speaker 2: Honestly, I don't even know how you can support me

677
00:38:02,800 --> 00:38:05,160
Speaker 2: because right you can give my girl back?

678
00:38:06,360 --> 00:38:10,000
Speaker 3: I no, can you get Jesus on the main line? Right?

679
00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:11,359
Speaker 3: Because see?

680
00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:14,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, but it was one video I was watching you

681
00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:17,680
Speaker 2: and it kind of made me sad because you was

682
00:38:17,719 --> 00:38:21,560
Speaker 2: crying about I think it was just a very difficult

683
00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:22,239
Speaker 2: week for you.

684
00:38:22,360 --> 00:38:24,120
Speaker 1: But what are your friends? They want to be friends

685
00:38:24,160 --> 00:38:24,759
Speaker 1: with you no more?

686
00:38:25,200 --> 00:38:28,000
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's the one that's the one that uh, her

687
00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:30,480
Speaker 3: that's the way, and like she didn't think we were

688
00:38:30,560 --> 00:38:35,960
Speaker 3: supportive of her, so she basically just dipped. She didn't

689
00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:39,360
Speaker 3: communicate anything with us, and she just dipped on the

690
00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:43,360
Speaker 3: friend group. And I was just super hurt by that

691
00:38:43,360 --> 00:38:46,719
Speaker 3: because we've been friends for almost thirty years. Yeah, and

692
00:38:46,760 --> 00:38:51,359
Speaker 3: so it seems like, wow, like you wouldn't You didn't

693
00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:54,560
Speaker 3: even give me a chance to like do better. You know,

694
00:38:56,239 --> 00:38:58,319
Speaker 3: I feel like I supported her in the way in

695
00:38:58,360 --> 00:39:00,680
Speaker 3: which I would have wanted to be supportive, but again,

696
00:39:01,760 --> 00:39:04,080
Speaker 3: she wanted different and I just didn't know that, you

697
00:39:04,120 --> 00:39:07,880
Speaker 3: know what I'm saying. Yeah, Yeah, it's very hurtful. And

698
00:39:07,960 --> 00:39:10,680
Speaker 3: again that goes back to me saying it seems like

699
00:39:10,840 --> 00:39:15,200
Speaker 3: every year I'm losing people. I'm losing like family, friends,

700
00:39:15,239 --> 00:39:21,520
Speaker 3: people just whether they're dying, just walking away or differing,

701
00:39:21,640 --> 00:39:25,120
Speaker 3: you know, don't want to commit me all these dudes.

702
00:39:25,680 --> 00:39:28,640
Speaker 3: Like it just feels like I just keep losing people

703
00:39:28,760 --> 00:39:31,640
Speaker 3: left and right. And that's what makes me like go

704
00:39:31,760 --> 00:39:36,919
Speaker 3: deeper into like a depression. I think, is you oh

705
00:39:37,080 --> 00:39:41,280
Speaker 3: for sure? I'm like, listen, I know I'm a little weird,

706
00:39:41,840 --> 00:39:43,880
Speaker 3: you know what I mean, I'm a little I'm a

707
00:39:43,920 --> 00:39:47,000
Speaker 3: little goofy or whatever. But like somebody that's been friends

708
00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:48,560
Speaker 3: with me for almost thirty years, you should be used

709
00:39:48,560 --> 00:39:53,439
Speaker 3: to it and be able to, you know, communicate like, hey,

710
00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:56,239
Speaker 3: I need to talk to my sisters a little bit

711
00:39:56,280 --> 00:39:59,000
Speaker 3: more like I'm falling into a deep dark hole. Boom,

712
00:39:59,080 --> 00:40:02,480
Speaker 3: I'm calling you more. But she never said that, and

713
00:40:02,719 --> 00:40:05,799
Speaker 3: I guess we didn't ask the right questions. So yeah,

714
00:40:05,840 --> 00:40:07,520
Speaker 3: that's done. Well.

715
00:40:07,560 --> 00:40:10,680
Speaker 2: You know, I do know that sometimes grief of played

716
00:40:10,680 --> 00:40:12,600
Speaker 2: my games. When you grief, have you think of this?

717
00:40:12,719 --> 00:40:15,200
Speaker 2: This one is not really not that, so sometimes you

718
00:40:15,239 --> 00:40:16,920
Speaker 2: just gotta let time play as part.

719
00:40:17,160 --> 00:40:20,520
Speaker 3: Yeah, I wrote her a letter of like a card

720
00:40:20,640 --> 00:40:23,440
Speaker 3: or whatever, and I told her, like, you know, love

721
00:40:23,600 --> 00:40:26,040
Speaker 3: you love your family. I'm still your friend even if

722
00:40:26,040 --> 00:40:29,680
Speaker 3: you ain't my friend, right, so you know, we'll see,

723
00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:32,360
Speaker 3: like you said, the only time will tell. Yeah.

724
00:40:32,960 --> 00:40:36,200
Speaker 2: Now, earlier in our conversation, you mentioned about how parents

725
00:40:36,239 --> 00:40:39,279
Speaker 2: should reduce their belonging. So do you think your mom

726
00:40:39,280 --> 00:40:40,919
Speaker 2: should have done that? And the reason why I asked

727
00:40:40,920 --> 00:40:44,760
Speaker 2: because I know a part of your depression your house

728
00:40:44,800 --> 00:40:46,719
Speaker 2: got like really like cluttered.

729
00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:48,200
Speaker 1: To the point where you yeah, you couldn't even move

730
00:40:48,239 --> 00:40:48,640
Speaker 1: through it.

731
00:40:49,320 --> 00:40:56,480
Speaker 3: No, okay, so it was a trickle down effect. So again,

732
00:40:56,640 --> 00:40:59,720
Speaker 3: once my grandmother passed away, my mom was the oldest,

733
00:41:00,800 --> 00:41:04,399
Speaker 3: she went to the house and even though people took

734
00:41:04,480 --> 00:41:06,439
Speaker 3: you know, stuff, little stuff here and there, my mom

735
00:41:06,480 --> 00:41:10,799
Speaker 3: basically took everything of my grandmother's Wow. So now my

736
00:41:10,880 --> 00:41:15,320
Speaker 3: grandmother stuff is at my mom's house in Mississippi. Then boom,

737
00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:20,560
Speaker 3: my mom dies. So now I have a house full

738
00:41:20,600 --> 00:41:24,240
Speaker 3: of not only my mom things, but my grandmother's things.

739
00:41:24,280 --> 00:41:25,400
Speaker 1: That's a lot.

740
00:41:25,680 --> 00:41:28,880
Speaker 3: It's a lot, and I'm one person, I'm my only child.

741
00:41:29,600 --> 00:41:34,440
Speaker 3: And also I'm grieving and just going through it and

742
00:41:34,480 --> 00:41:36,960
Speaker 3: not even wanting to get out of the bed. So

743
00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:38,600
Speaker 3: it just started compounding.

744
00:41:39,280 --> 00:41:42,440
Speaker 2: But I could not be depressed every time. It's right

745
00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:44,080
Speaker 2: in your face, the grief.

746
00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:46,560
Speaker 3: Right in my face. It's like her clothes or like

747
00:41:46,920 --> 00:41:49,239
Speaker 3: I was. I tried to go through a couple of boxes.

748
00:41:49,480 --> 00:41:52,360
Speaker 3: I couldn't make the boxes because I would always I

749
00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:54,319
Speaker 3: call them in my on my YouTube channel, I call

750
00:41:54,360 --> 00:41:59,360
Speaker 3: them little landmines. I would always find something that's like, oh,

751
00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:03,239
Speaker 3: here's my grandma's journal. Like so now I'm sitting there

752
00:42:03,320 --> 00:42:06,359
Speaker 3: reading and crying and oh, you know whatever, And it's

753
00:42:06,400 --> 00:42:10,959
Speaker 3: just like crazy, how you could start with such good

754
00:42:10,960 --> 00:42:14,640
Speaker 3: intentions like oh, I'm gonna little area today, and then

755
00:42:14,800 --> 00:42:17,879
Speaker 3: you stumble across something that just brings everything right back

756
00:42:17,880 --> 00:42:20,239
Speaker 3: down and you're right back in the bed. And so

757
00:42:20,840 --> 00:42:24,520
Speaker 3: that's really why I started my YouTube show called Depression

758
00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:28,480
Speaker 3: Nests because I recognized that my house was getting out

759
00:42:28,520 --> 00:42:31,200
Speaker 3: of control. I recognized that I wasn't doing anything to

760
00:42:31,280 --> 00:42:37,080
Speaker 3: maintain it, and I just kept buying more things to

761
00:42:37,239 --> 00:42:40,000
Speaker 3: like help me retail therapy, like is my jam like

762
00:42:40,040 --> 00:42:41,799
Speaker 3: I just be like, ooh that's cute. I'm gonna get right.

763
00:42:43,239 --> 00:42:46,400
Speaker 3: But I was adding to the clutter, and so it

764
00:42:46,520 --> 00:42:49,720
Speaker 3: was just getting out of control and I needed an accountability,

765
00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:52,520
Speaker 3: something that was going to keep me on tasks. And

766
00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:55,000
Speaker 3: so because I have to make these videos every week,

767
00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:58,480
Speaker 3: it's definitely keeping me like, Okay, we gotta keep cleaning

768
00:42:58,520 --> 00:43:00,440
Speaker 3: because there's a video do list.

769
00:43:00,680 --> 00:43:02,520
Speaker 1: Content creation will put your ass to work.

770
00:43:02,640 --> 00:43:06,560
Speaker 3: Oh you made some content listen.

771
00:43:06,680 --> 00:43:09,279
Speaker 2: Content will snap you out or whatever you go through

772
00:43:09,880 --> 00:43:12,520
Speaker 2: because you gotta put the videos.

773
00:43:12,640 --> 00:43:18,680
Speaker 3: Exactly exactly like that's the you know. I started for

774
00:43:18,760 --> 00:43:23,080
Speaker 3: that reason. And I also was like I was nervous

775
00:43:23,080 --> 00:43:24,720
Speaker 3: when I first started because I was like, I'm putting

776
00:43:24,719 --> 00:43:26,879
Speaker 3: my mess on display because you.

777
00:43:26,920 --> 00:43:29,719
Speaker 1: Gave a walkthrough. I was like, oh, wow, she's.

778
00:43:29,520 --> 00:43:33,480
Speaker 3: Really doing this. Yes. I was like listen, you know,

779
00:43:33,520 --> 00:43:35,799
Speaker 3: I put like a little disclaimer on my little you know,

780
00:43:36,160 --> 00:43:38,719
Speaker 3: description box or whatever. I was like, if y'all want

781
00:43:38,760 --> 00:43:40,880
Speaker 3: to say something mean, you're gonna be blocks immediately. Like

782
00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:44,600
Speaker 3: I don't have the mental bandwidth or emotion capacity right

783
00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:48,719
Speaker 3: now to handle like the mean comments. But I was

784
00:43:48,760 --> 00:43:51,959
Speaker 3: really nervous about like putting it all out there because

785
00:43:52,000 --> 00:43:54,520
Speaker 3: you know when somebody call you and they say like, hey,

786
00:43:54,560 --> 00:43:57,680
Speaker 3: I'm in your neighborhood, I'm gonna stop through. You gotta

787
00:43:57,760 --> 00:44:04,240
Speaker 3: hurry up right, running all over.

788
00:44:04,520 --> 00:44:07,400
Speaker 1: Right, throwing ship in places, you know it wrong.

789
00:44:08,560 --> 00:44:10,920
Speaker 3: They're not going to open this cabinet, just throwing everything

790
00:44:11,040 --> 00:44:13,520
Speaker 3: in there, And like, I don't want to live like

791
00:44:13,560 --> 00:44:15,839
Speaker 3: that anymore. I want to just be like, okay, girl,

792
00:44:15,840 --> 00:44:18,799
Speaker 3: i'll see you soon. Like I just want to be

793
00:44:18,960 --> 00:44:24,359
Speaker 3: chilled because my house is already together. And so yeah,

794
00:44:24,480 --> 00:44:29,360
Speaker 3: that's why I started it, because the depression really got

795
00:44:29,400 --> 00:44:32,800
Speaker 3: me in a place. But you know, having messy rooms

796
00:44:33,000 --> 00:44:35,640
Speaker 3: is kind of like a clear sign that you might

797
00:44:35,680 --> 00:44:39,080
Speaker 3: not be feeling well. It's like, yeah, a brain, your

798
00:44:39,120 --> 00:44:42,399
Speaker 3: brain is like being manifested on the outside and your living.

799
00:44:43,480 --> 00:44:46,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, what's the saying about a club of space as

800
00:44:46,000 --> 00:44:47,160
Speaker 2: a club of mine or something?

801
00:44:47,320 --> 00:44:47,760
Speaker 3: Exactly?

802
00:44:47,880 --> 00:44:49,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly, that's a fact.

803
00:44:50,520 --> 00:44:54,240
Speaker 3: Yeah, for sure, I really do believe that. And also

804
00:44:54,400 --> 00:44:57,200
Speaker 3: you have to have some you know how people with depression,

805
00:44:57,320 --> 00:45:01,040
Speaker 3: like sometimes they don't take showers. You have to you

806
00:45:01,160 --> 00:45:06,200
Speaker 3: have to have the wherewithal to want to like live

807
00:45:06,320 --> 00:45:09,759
Speaker 3: better or like shower, you want to like do things

808
00:45:09,760 --> 00:45:13,960
Speaker 3: for yourself. People with depression, it's a struggle to do that,

809
00:45:14,120 --> 00:45:18,200
Speaker 3: to do those things, like nothing matters, so why am I?

810
00:45:18,239 --> 00:45:21,640
Speaker 3: What am I doing that? It's sort of like that.

811
00:45:21,800 --> 00:45:26,839
Speaker 3: So yeah, I just had to get it together. And

812
00:45:27,840 --> 00:45:30,319
Speaker 3: I honestly, when I look back on some of those

813
00:45:30,400 --> 00:45:35,480
Speaker 3: original videos, like you could see how sad I was.

814
00:45:35,719 --> 00:45:39,960
Speaker 1: Oh you have a glow now, I know right, Like

815
00:45:40,040 --> 00:45:40,560
Speaker 1: I look.

816
00:45:40,560 --> 00:45:42,760
Speaker 3: So much better. I feel so much better.

817
00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:44,120
Speaker 1: Like you look lighter.

818
00:45:44,840 --> 00:45:48,040
Speaker 3: Yes, that's how I feel. I feel lighter. I feel

819
00:45:48,080 --> 00:45:51,719
Speaker 3: like the tasks that I have to do, like they

820
00:45:51,760 --> 00:45:56,640
Speaker 3: don't seem as difficult, they don't seem as like Daun team.

821
00:45:56,840 --> 00:45:59,560
Speaker 3: Like sometimes one of my friends she'd be like, why's

822
00:45:59,600 --> 00:46:03,160
Speaker 3: your betting? It's Sunday, wash your betting. I'm like, girl,

823
00:46:03,400 --> 00:46:04,680
Speaker 3: I didn't even wash this shirt.

824
00:46:05,680 --> 00:46:07,520
Speaker 1: I even washed my ass.

825
00:46:10,640 --> 00:46:17,879
Speaker 3: Right stripping the bag. Girl. But like, you know, ever

826
00:46:17,920 --> 00:46:21,640
Speaker 3: since I had started the treatments or whatever, like just

827
00:46:21,800 --> 00:46:26,080
Speaker 3: been washing my bedding regularly, like cleaning up, like it's

828
00:46:26,120 --> 00:46:31,600
Speaker 3: just nothing seems no. Yeah, I'm really pleased.

829
00:46:40,800 --> 00:46:42,480
Speaker 1: And we're gonna get to the treatment.

830
00:46:42,520 --> 00:46:44,560
Speaker 2: But I just want to bring this up because I,

831
00:46:44,920 --> 00:46:47,200
Speaker 2: y know, when you said this, I was like, Yo,

832
00:46:47,400 --> 00:46:49,279
Speaker 2: this is how I feel like.

833
00:46:49,360 --> 00:46:51,680
Speaker 1: I feel like sometimes I'm like, was my grandma even real?

834
00:46:52,640 --> 00:46:58,719
Speaker 3: Oh? Yeah? Oh yeah, that's I feel like, especially the

835
00:46:58,800 --> 00:47:02,719
Speaker 3: longer it gets. Yes, since that person passed away, you're like,

836
00:47:03,520 --> 00:47:05,879
Speaker 3: did I is this a real part? Did I make

837
00:47:05,920 --> 00:47:08,640
Speaker 3: this person up? And that's why it's really hard for

838
00:47:08,680 --> 00:47:10,920
Speaker 3: me to get rid of my mom's clothes, Like I

839
00:47:10,960 --> 00:47:13,080
Speaker 3: haven't gotten to that part of my house yet, but

840
00:47:13,520 --> 00:47:15,880
Speaker 3: I already know when I get to that closet with

841
00:47:15,920 --> 00:47:18,319
Speaker 3: all of her clothes and stuff and there, it's gonna

842
00:47:18,320 --> 00:47:21,799
Speaker 3: be tough because that is the part to me that

843
00:47:22,280 --> 00:47:24,719
Speaker 3: makes me feel like she was a real person, like

844
00:47:25,560 --> 00:47:28,480
Speaker 3: actual physical clothes that she had on her body at

845
00:47:28,480 --> 00:47:32,440
Speaker 3: some point. It just makes me feel like, Okay, she

846
00:47:32,640 --> 00:47:36,520
Speaker 3: was real, she was you know here and just like

847
00:47:36,680 --> 00:47:41,239
Speaker 3: getting rid of that stuff is gonna be tough because

848
00:47:41,280 --> 00:47:45,319
Speaker 3: I feel like that's the pieces of her that were tangible. Yeah,

849
00:47:46,080 --> 00:47:48,759
Speaker 3: like actually giving away. But I can't hold on to

850
00:47:48,840 --> 00:47:50,759
Speaker 3: that stuff. I don't know. I don't want to. I

851
00:47:50,760 --> 00:47:52,759
Speaker 3: don't have any kids, but I don't want Whenever I

852
00:47:52,800 --> 00:47:55,040
Speaker 3: passed away, whoever gonna go through my stuff, they gonna

853
00:47:55,080 --> 00:47:56,680
Speaker 3: be in for a shock if I were to, if

854
00:47:56,680 --> 00:47:59,359
Speaker 3: I were to pass away right now, maybe they walk

855
00:47:59,400 --> 00:48:07,320
Speaker 3: in the house like, oh yeah, please call that one one. Wait.

856
00:48:07,440 --> 00:48:09,480
Speaker 2: Do you ever for your mom near you? Like, do

857
00:48:09,600 --> 00:48:11,040
Speaker 2: you ever dream about her or anything?

858
00:48:11,920 --> 00:48:15,440
Speaker 3: I haven't in a while. But like what really kisses

859
00:48:15,480 --> 00:48:17,239
Speaker 3: me off about the dreams that I have about my

860
00:48:17,280 --> 00:48:20,040
Speaker 3: mom is that they're so regular, Like it'll be her,

861
00:48:20,200 --> 00:48:24,440
Speaker 3: like girl passed me the remote. Huh No. When I

862
00:48:24,480 --> 00:48:32,080
Speaker 3: waked up, I'll be like, I'm mad a remote in

863
00:48:32,160 --> 00:48:34,480
Speaker 3: my dream, Like why would you do that? Like I

864
00:48:34,520 --> 00:48:36,760
Speaker 3: got questions were supposed to hug and stuff.

865
00:48:38,160 --> 00:48:40,080
Speaker 1: You know, you know, it's so crazy.

866
00:48:40,520 --> 00:48:43,400
Speaker 2: So this is probably the first year because you know

867
00:48:43,440 --> 00:48:45,480
Speaker 2: how certain days come around your body kind of like

868
00:48:45,520 --> 00:48:47,960
Speaker 2: tense up and you know like, oh shit, that day

869
00:48:48,040 --> 00:48:50,759
Speaker 2: is coming. So this year on the anniversary of my

870
00:48:50,800 --> 00:48:54,840
Speaker 2: grandmother's passing March first, I've just been so busy that

871
00:48:55,320 --> 00:48:58,000
Speaker 2: I forgot that that was the anniversary. And I'm pretty

872
00:48:58,040 --> 00:49:01,040
Speaker 2: sure I would have remembered, but you know, just regular life,

873
00:49:01,160 --> 00:49:05,319
Speaker 2: hustle on, bustle, right. And so I was sleeping in

874
00:49:05,360 --> 00:49:08,440
Speaker 2: the bed whatever, and I was dreaming and my Grandma

875
00:49:08,480 --> 00:49:10,160
Speaker 2: don't really come and visit me too often in my

876
00:49:10,239 --> 00:49:12,080
Speaker 2: dreams whatever. And sometimes I can feel her or I

877
00:49:12,080 --> 00:49:13,840
Speaker 2: can smell her sometimes, but like in my dreams, I

878
00:49:13,840 --> 00:49:16,239
Speaker 2: don't really good chance to like see her. So in

879
00:49:16,320 --> 00:49:18,279
Speaker 2: my dream, we're just running around her house having a

880
00:49:18,280 --> 00:49:21,960
Speaker 2: good time, and she kept saying like fifteen fifteen, So

881
00:49:21,960 --> 00:49:24,000
Speaker 2: I'm like fifteen what Nana'm like, what are you talking about?

882
00:49:24,200 --> 00:49:26,080
Speaker 2: So I don't know if she was saying fifteen minutes.

883
00:49:26,120 --> 00:49:28,000
Speaker 2: But then then she kept saying, I'm always with you,

884
00:49:28,040 --> 00:49:31,040
Speaker 2: I'm I always, I'm always with you. So I'm laughing.

885
00:49:31,080 --> 00:49:32,759
Speaker 2: I'm like, all right, girl whatever. Because it felt so

886
00:49:33,040 --> 00:49:36,040
Speaker 2: real and it reminded me of us, like me being

887
00:49:36,080 --> 00:49:38,120
Speaker 2: an adult, but it felt like I was a child

888
00:49:38,239 --> 00:49:39,759
Speaker 2: in the house that I grew up in with her.

889
00:49:40,600 --> 00:49:44,239
Speaker 2: And so rewind to the first dream I had, I

890
00:49:44,280 --> 00:49:46,239
Speaker 2: actually had a dream that my grandmother was going to

891
00:49:46,280 --> 00:49:49,680
Speaker 2: pass away before she passed away, right, So fast forward

892
00:49:49,760 --> 00:49:53,640
Speaker 2: to the current dream. I had that same exact dream, right,

893
00:49:54,360 --> 00:49:56,440
Speaker 2: and I end up, you know when they put the

894
00:49:56,440 --> 00:49:59,480
Speaker 2: sheet over the person, and I pulled the sheet back,

895
00:50:00,040 --> 00:50:04,200
Speaker 2: and my grandmother because PHG the Professional Homegirl was founded

896
00:50:04,239 --> 00:50:06,759
Speaker 2: because of her, and I always wonder like if my

897
00:50:06,760 --> 00:50:08,440
Speaker 2: grandma would be proud or I wish she would be

898
00:50:08,440 --> 00:50:11,479
Speaker 2: here to see some of the things that I'm doing. No, Lie,

899
00:50:11,640 --> 00:50:14,360
Speaker 2: I pulled the sheet back. She had on this white

900
00:50:14,400 --> 00:50:17,240
Speaker 2: polo shirt that had in my closet with the PHG

901
00:50:17,360 --> 00:50:22,480
Speaker 2: logo on it. When I tell you, I was like, nah, girl,

902
00:50:22,520 --> 00:50:24,040
Speaker 2: we're not doing that.

903
00:50:24,040 --> 00:50:25,080
Speaker 3: That's okase.

904
00:50:26,080 --> 00:50:28,799
Speaker 2: And I woke up and it was March first, and

905
00:50:28,840 --> 00:50:30,319
Speaker 2: I was like, wow.

906
00:50:31,239 --> 00:50:36,280
Speaker 3: I love I love stories like that, Like I only

907
00:50:36,360 --> 00:50:40,640
Speaker 3: had one. I would like to call it a visit.

908
00:50:42,320 --> 00:50:46,520
Speaker 3: I don't think it was a dream because it was

909
00:50:46,680 --> 00:50:50,400
Speaker 3: just too blended with the real world. So I was

910
00:50:50,600 --> 00:50:53,359
Speaker 3: at this was like very soon after she passed away.

911
00:50:53,440 --> 00:50:56,080
Speaker 3: My mom passed away and I was in her bed

912
00:50:56,719 --> 00:51:00,480
Speaker 3: reading a book and I had two dogs at the time.

913
00:51:00,520 --> 00:51:04,600
Speaker 3: They were in the backyard and they started barking like crazy,

914
00:51:05,080 --> 00:51:09,439
Speaker 3: barking in the backyard. And then my mother, my mom

915
00:51:09,520 --> 00:51:12,279
Speaker 3: was fifty eight when she passed away, which.

916
00:51:12,040 --> 00:51:15,839
Speaker 1: Is pretty young though, yeah, pretty young, but.

917
00:51:17,320 --> 00:51:21,520
Speaker 3: I'm going to give her thirty eight year old version

918
00:51:21,600 --> 00:51:24,560
Speaker 3: of my mother walked in and my mom, like I

919
00:51:24,719 --> 00:51:27,960
Speaker 3: told you, she had a knee surgery, so she walked

920
00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:30,799
Speaker 3: with a cane for a long time, and she just

921
00:51:30,960 --> 00:51:37,160
Speaker 3: walked in, no cane. She looked young, she looked different,

922
00:51:37,160 --> 00:51:39,680
Speaker 3: and she just walked in. She stopped and she like

923
00:51:39,840 --> 00:51:42,239
Speaker 3: propped her hand on the dresser that was right there,

924
00:51:42,719 --> 00:51:44,279
Speaker 3: and she said, try, you're not going to see what

925
00:51:44,320 --> 00:51:48,040
Speaker 3: the dogs barking about. And I was like, oh yeah,

926
00:51:48,080 --> 00:51:50,800
Speaker 3: And I got up and I looked through the window

927
00:51:50,840 --> 00:51:53,239
Speaker 3: and they were just barking in circles. And then it

928
00:51:53,360 --> 00:51:57,040
Speaker 3: hit me that that was my mother who just said that,

929
00:51:57,480 --> 00:52:00,560
Speaker 3: And I said and then immediately I was on the

930
00:52:00,600 --> 00:52:01,280
Speaker 3: bed again.

931
00:52:02,239 --> 00:52:06,080
Speaker 1: Wow, I was like what.

932
00:52:06,360 --> 00:52:11,960
Speaker 3: It just seems so real and so crazy, because why

933
00:52:11,960 --> 00:52:14,839
Speaker 3: would that be the version of her that I would see.

934
00:52:14,840 --> 00:52:17,120
Speaker 3: That's why I don't think it was anything that my

935
00:52:17,560 --> 00:52:22,920
Speaker 3: that I was doing, you know, But yeah, that's like

936
00:52:23,400 --> 00:52:25,400
Speaker 3: the one that I hold onto because it seems like

937
00:52:25,880 --> 00:52:31,200
Speaker 3: she came back and like, but again, regular you're not

938
00:52:31,200 --> 00:52:33,160
Speaker 3: gonna check on the dogs. That's something she was saying,

939
00:52:33,640 --> 00:52:34,320
Speaker 3: regular life.

940
00:52:34,360 --> 00:52:37,359
Speaker 1: But no, she came But I wonder why she came

941
00:52:37,360 --> 00:52:38,000
Speaker 1: back younger.

942
00:52:38,880 --> 00:52:41,440
Speaker 3: That's the thing. I have no idea, because I was like,

943
00:52:42,760 --> 00:52:44,480
Speaker 3: when I sat on the bed again, I was like,

944
00:52:45,000 --> 00:52:46,040
Speaker 3: what was that?

945
00:52:46,239 --> 00:52:47,080
Speaker 1: Were you freezed out?

946
00:52:48,320 --> 00:52:51,760
Speaker 3: I kind of was because I but I was happy

947
00:52:51,800 --> 00:52:55,080
Speaker 3: to have like felt like I had some kind of encounter.

948
00:52:56,960 --> 00:53:01,040
Speaker 3: But I was still like, wow, that was so interesting,

949
00:53:01,239 --> 00:53:05,160
Speaker 3: like because I have heard, you know, of people saying

950
00:53:05,280 --> 00:53:11,080
Speaker 3: like the apparitions or whatever, that you might see if

951
00:53:11,080 --> 00:53:15,080
Speaker 3: somebody might be their younger version or something like that,

952
00:53:15,520 --> 00:53:19,600
Speaker 3: and so I've heard that before, but that's still weirded

953
00:53:19,640 --> 00:53:22,279
Speaker 3: me out that like a super young version of her

954
00:53:22,520 --> 00:53:24,920
Speaker 3: just sauntered through the door with no caine, no nothing,

955
00:53:25,040 --> 00:53:26,560
Speaker 3: like just like, girl, you're not gonna see what them

956
00:53:26,600 --> 00:53:27,319
Speaker 3: dogs barking about.

957
00:53:27,400 --> 00:53:28,960
Speaker 1: And the dogs aren't really barking.

958
00:53:29,600 --> 00:53:32,600
Speaker 3: The dogs were really barking, and you know they're saying

959
00:53:32,640 --> 00:53:36,759
Speaker 3: animals can like sense, yeah, like spirits and stuff like that.

960
00:53:36,840 --> 00:53:39,360
Speaker 3: So I feel like the dogs were like they knew,

961
00:53:40,000 --> 00:53:47,000
Speaker 3: they knew, and so it was too real to be

962
00:53:47,200 --> 00:53:50,160
Speaker 3: a dream, even though when I looked back, I was

963
00:53:50,200 --> 00:53:52,000
Speaker 3: back on the bed and I was like, was I

964
00:53:52,080 --> 00:53:57,480
Speaker 3: just sleep? It felt very strange, but that's my That

965
00:53:57,560 --> 00:53:59,440
Speaker 3: was my one little visit Yad. I couldn't wait to

966
00:53:59,480 --> 00:54:03,359
Speaker 3: go to therapy and tell the lady. She was like

967
00:54:03,400 --> 00:54:06,200
Speaker 3: what girl, No, she was like she was one of

968
00:54:06,239 --> 00:54:07,200
Speaker 3: those like hippie dippy.

969
00:54:07,520 --> 00:54:08,719
Speaker 1: Oh okay, okay, lady.

970
00:54:08,960 --> 00:54:13,880
Speaker 3: She was into it. She was like, yes, is it yeah?

971
00:54:13,920 --> 00:54:18,600
Speaker 3: So yeah. But again she hadn't say nothing profound, nothing prophet, like, girl,

972
00:54:18,960 --> 00:54:20,640
Speaker 3: tell me give me the secrets of life.

973
00:54:20,920 --> 00:54:23,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, but you know, I think that's so doubtful because

974
00:54:23,760 --> 00:54:26,680
Speaker 2: there's so many things that we don't know that we experience.

975
00:54:27,280 --> 00:54:29,399
Speaker 2: But it's like, you know, you know what you saw,

976
00:54:29,480 --> 00:54:30,440
Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying so.

977
00:54:30,880 --> 00:54:35,080
Speaker 3: Exactly exactly, and like nothing like that has ever happened since,

978
00:54:35,120 --> 00:54:36,880
Speaker 3: you know, I've seen her here and there in a

979
00:54:37,080 --> 00:54:40,200
Speaker 3: in a dream. One time I saw her and my

980
00:54:40,640 --> 00:54:45,160
Speaker 3: grandfather's mother, my granny. They actually died the same year,

981
00:54:46,080 --> 00:54:48,359
Speaker 3: my granny and my mom and so.

982
00:54:48,480 --> 00:54:51,720
Speaker 1: Was your grandfather's mother to your great grandma.

983
00:54:52,520 --> 00:54:57,640
Speaker 3: My great grandmother and my mother died in the same year. Wow, yes,

984
00:54:57,880 --> 00:55:00,799
Speaker 3: she died. My granny died in February and my mom

985
00:55:00,840 --> 00:55:06,239
Speaker 3: died in November. So I one time was I had

986
00:55:06,280 --> 00:55:08,560
Speaker 3: a dream that I was walking down the street in

987
00:55:08,600 --> 00:55:11,239
Speaker 3: New York and a cab pulled up in front of me,

988
00:55:11,880 --> 00:55:16,480
Speaker 3: and then they both hopped out together and I was like,

989
00:55:17,120 --> 00:55:21,960
Speaker 3: now what is going on here? And they was on

990
00:55:22,080 --> 00:55:22,800
Speaker 3: some surprise.

991
00:55:24,160 --> 00:55:26,240
Speaker 1: No, we ain't doing no surprise in New York.

992
00:55:26,120 --> 00:55:27,440
Speaker 3: City with no cabs.

993
00:55:27,760 --> 00:55:28,600
Speaker 1: What's wrong with you?

994
00:55:30,800 --> 00:55:34,239
Speaker 3: What are you talking about again? I just feel like

995
00:55:34,400 --> 00:55:36,960
Speaker 3: I don't know if, like you know how some people

996
00:55:37,000 --> 00:55:40,120
Speaker 3: say that they can like take over the control of

997
00:55:40,160 --> 00:55:44,640
Speaker 3: their dreams. I just feel like I have that, Yeah,

998
00:55:44,719 --> 00:55:47,560
Speaker 3: because every time I want, I always just wake up

999
00:55:47,560 --> 00:55:49,759
Speaker 3: too much and then I can't return back to.

1000
00:55:52,200 --> 00:55:53,680
Speaker 1: Like it happens one time and that's it.

1001
00:55:54,360 --> 00:55:57,640
Speaker 3: That's it. And then I remember that I saw them

1002
00:55:57,640 --> 00:55:59,759
Speaker 3: and I'm like, oh, that was great, you know.

1003
00:55:59,840 --> 00:56:02,479
Speaker 1: How to see see beautiful? Though?

1004
00:56:03,120 --> 00:56:08,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, Now, explain what ketamine therapy is because I've never

1005
00:56:08,560 --> 00:56:10,200
Speaker 2: heard heard of that until now.

1006
00:56:11,360 --> 00:56:18,919
Speaker 3: Yeah, so same. So ketamine is like the street term

1007
00:56:19,040 --> 00:56:21,400
Speaker 3: for it's shrooms, which I know you have heard of.

1008
00:56:22,080 --> 00:56:23,880
Speaker 1: That's where I would because I'm like, is this a drum?

1009
00:56:24,600 --> 00:56:29,799
Speaker 3: Yes? It is it is a drug, it's shrooms. But

1010
00:56:30,160 --> 00:56:33,680
Speaker 3: apparently they have been doing studies and they have found

1011
00:56:34,200 --> 00:56:41,880
Speaker 3: that ketamine actually causes neuroplasticity in your brain. So what

1012
00:56:42,000 --> 00:56:46,040
Speaker 3: happens is when you have depression, some parts of your

1013
00:56:46,080 --> 00:56:49,120
Speaker 3: brain don't light up like they used to, right, And

1014
00:56:49,160 --> 00:56:51,799
Speaker 3: so why you're sad all the time, you don't want

1015
00:56:51,800 --> 00:56:54,319
Speaker 3: to do anything, You don't have the energy, you can't

1016
00:56:54,400 --> 00:56:58,359
Speaker 3: muster the motivation to do things. These parts of your

1017
00:56:58,360 --> 00:57:02,680
Speaker 3: brain are sort of lying dormant. And so when you

1018
00:57:03,960 --> 00:57:09,520
Speaker 3: do this ketamine treatment, they have found that if you

1019
00:57:09,600 --> 00:57:13,640
Speaker 3: do like six ketamine sessions within like three weeks, so

1020
00:57:13,680 --> 00:57:17,000
Speaker 3: like two times a week, so very close together, and

1021
00:57:17,080 --> 00:57:21,160
Speaker 3: like three one week after another, every time you go,

1022
00:57:21,400 --> 00:57:25,080
Speaker 3: the ketemine lights up those parts of your brain, those

1023
00:57:25,200 --> 00:57:33,000
Speaker 3: those neuropathways. And because you go so often, eventually your

1024
00:57:33,040 --> 00:57:37,520
Speaker 3: brain remembers to light up on its own. And so

1025
00:57:39,120 --> 00:57:42,320
Speaker 3: I had never heard about it. I gotten I had

1026
00:57:42,360 --> 00:57:48,040
Speaker 3: gotten to a really bad point here in February. I

1027
00:57:48,080 --> 00:57:52,880
Speaker 3: believe where I was gonna dial or text nine eight

1028
00:57:52,920 --> 00:57:55,360
Speaker 3: eight and nine eight eight is like the mental.

1029
00:57:55,120 --> 00:57:57,200
Speaker 1: Health line line.

1030
00:57:57,640 --> 00:58:00,840
Speaker 3: And I was I was like, first of all, I

1031
00:58:00,840 --> 00:58:03,560
Speaker 3: don't like talking to strangerself. For me, even thinking about

1032
00:58:04,200 --> 00:58:07,600
Speaker 3: dialing nine eight eight was like a major thing where

1033
00:58:07,640 --> 00:58:12,840
Speaker 3: I knew I needed some outside help yourself. I didn't

1034
00:58:12,920 --> 00:58:17,200
Speaker 3: have any plan, but I didn't want to right right right.

1035
00:58:17,320 --> 00:58:19,360
Speaker 3: I was like I didn't have like I don't have

1036
00:58:19,440 --> 00:58:21,680
Speaker 3: like a way to do it, but I just felt

1037
00:58:21,680 --> 00:58:23,720
Speaker 3: like it would be better. I would be better.

1038
00:58:23,640 --> 00:58:27,200
Speaker 1: Off if I was with somebody somewhere else with Yeah.

1039
00:58:27,720 --> 00:58:31,440
Speaker 3: So I instead of dialing nine eight eight, I have

1040
00:58:31,480 --> 00:58:36,480
Speaker 3: a friend who's a nurse practitioner and behavioral health field

1041
00:58:37,200 --> 00:58:40,360
Speaker 3: and I was like, I just it was. It happened

1042
00:58:40,360 --> 00:58:42,640
Speaker 3: actually twice that week, twice in the same week I

1043
00:58:42,680 --> 00:58:45,320
Speaker 3: was gonna dial nine eight eight, and that's when I knew.

1044
00:58:45,760 --> 00:58:48,200
Speaker 3: I was like, it's this is too much. It's getting

1045
00:58:48,240 --> 00:58:49,600
Speaker 3: to be too much.

1046
00:58:49,960 --> 00:58:53,600
Speaker 1: Something trigger you that week or so, I.

1047
00:58:53,560 --> 00:58:58,120
Speaker 3: Actually I told you I have this Atlanta condo. And

1048
00:58:58,240 --> 00:59:01,840
Speaker 3: I actually put my Atlanta condo on the market and

1049
00:59:03,000 --> 00:59:05,800
Speaker 3: I was cleaning up, cleaning it out and like getting

1050
00:59:05,840 --> 00:59:08,760
Speaker 3: it in showing condition, and at that moment, I think

1051
00:59:08,800 --> 00:59:11,440
Speaker 3: it was just too It felt like I was losing

1052
00:59:11,480 --> 00:59:17,600
Speaker 3: something else, right, And so I've had yeah, I've had

1053
00:59:17,640 --> 00:59:20,640
Speaker 3: two condos, you know, I've been like, oh, at least

1054
00:59:20,680 --> 00:59:23,200
Speaker 3: I know. The one thing I felt like I was

1055
00:59:23,240 --> 00:59:24,919
Speaker 3: doing to make my mom proud was I was being

1056
00:59:24,960 --> 00:59:29,960
Speaker 3: successful in my career. Yeah, you know what I'm saying.

1057
00:59:30,160 --> 00:59:33,080
Speaker 3: Like I was doing my big one I was doing.

1058
00:59:33,840 --> 00:59:37,760
Speaker 3: And when I was decided that I was going to

1059
00:59:37,840 --> 00:59:40,000
Speaker 3: put this place on the market, I just felt like

1060
00:59:40,280 --> 00:59:42,040
Speaker 3: I was losing something else, and I was like, what

1061
00:59:42,160 --> 00:59:44,600
Speaker 3: is the point? I just got to this really deep

1062
00:59:44,680 --> 00:59:49,400
Speaker 3: dark place. And I called my friend who's a nurse practitioner,

1063
00:59:49,560 --> 00:59:54,200
Speaker 3: and she was like, I've been hearing some things about ketamine.

1064
00:59:54,200 --> 00:59:56,160
Speaker 3: Have you ever thought about it? Do you know about it?

1065
00:59:56,480 --> 00:59:59,600
Speaker 3: And I was like, absolutely not. I'm not a drug user,

1066
01:00:00,040 --> 01:00:02,840
Speaker 3: Like I don't. I don't do the drugs, Like I

1067
01:00:02,920 --> 01:00:06,360
Speaker 3: barely drink. I've done like some weed gummies, but like

1068
01:00:06,880 --> 01:00:10,520
Speaker 3: they do nothing for me. And so she was like, no,

1069
01:00:10,640 --> 01:00:16,440
Speaker 3: the FDA has just approved ketamine as a nasal spray

1070
01:00:16,520 --> 01:00:21,560
Speaker 3: for depression, so people know that kedemine works for depression.

1071
01:00:22,040 --> 01:00:24,760
Speaker 3: And so she was like, let me call around and

1072
01:00:24,840 --> 01:00:28,720
Speaker 3: find you a place with an MD that is administering

1073
01:00:28,760 --> 01:00:31,760
Speaker 3: because a lot of these sometimes it's kind of meane claims, y'all.

1074
01:00:31,760 --> 01:00:38,600
Speaker 3: You know those like ivy hydration oxygen. That's what I'm saying.

1075
01:00:38,840 --> 01:00:44,560
Speaker 3: I don't want those. You want somewhere where there's some doctors. Yeah.

1076
01:00:45,000 --> 01:00:47,600
Speaker 3: And so she ended up because she knew I wasn't

1077
01:00:47,600 --> 01:00:50,320
Speaker 3: gonna do it. She ended up calling a place. She

1078
01:00:50,560 --> 01:00:54,960
Speaker 3: talked to the doctor. MMMM, and this is one of

1079
01:00:55,000 --> 01:00:57,400
Speaker 3: my best friends that you know, I consider like a sister.

1080
01:00:58,080 --> 01:01:00,640
Speaker 3: And then she called me back and she was like, hey,

1081
01:01:00,680 --> 01:01:05,040
Speaker 3: I called this place. I talked to the doctor and

1082
01:01:05,080 --> 01:01:07,800
Speaker 3: he told me x y Z. Basically, he told her like,

1083
01:01:08,000 --> 01:01:10,840
Speaker 3: it's been working for war vets, it's been working for

1084
01:01:10,880 --> 01:01:15,520
Speaker 3: people with like extreme PTSD, and it's you know, the

1085
01:01:15,560 --> 01:01:20,080
Speaker 3: studies are showing that it's actually working. It works really fast, man,

1086
01:01:21,400 --> 01:01:23,400
Speaker 3: she was I. So I just straight out asked her.

1087
01:01:23,440 --> 01:01:25,480
Speaker 3: I was like, do you think this is something that

1088
01:01:25,520 --> 01:01:27,680
Speaker 3: I should do? And she was like, I actually think

1089
01:01:27,680 --> 01:01:30,360
Speaker 3: you should give this a try. And I was like, okay,

1090
01:01:30,440 --> 01:01:32,040
Speaker 3: I'm doing it. Tell him to call me. So he

1091
01:01:32,160 --> 01:01:34,480
Speaker 3: called me. The doctor called me and we had like

1092
01:01:34,480 --> 01:01:38,280
Speaker 3: a little consultation and I made my appointment that day.

1093
01:01:38,480 --> 01:01:41,240
Speaker 3: I was just like, okay, I'll do it. And you know,

1094
01:01:41,360 --> 01:01:45,240
Speaker 3: it was four hundred dollars a session and insurance cover that.

1095
01:01:46,400 --> 01:01:49,360
Speaker 3: I don't think so, not yet, but it probably will eventually.

1096
01:01:49,440 --> 01:01:52,800
Speaker 3: Insurance covers that nasal thing. But I was getting an IV.

1097
01:01:53,400 --> 01:01:56,800
Speaker 1: Yeah, so how many sessions did you do?

1098
01:01:57,440 --> 01:02:01,640
Speaker 3: I did six sessions, so it's twenty four hundred dollars

1099
01:02:01,680 --> 01:02:07,600
Speaker 3: in total. But right after the first session, I felt lighter. Wow,

1100
01:02:07,640 --> 01:02:09,280
Speaker 3: I felt I felt better.

1101
01:02:09,960 --> 01:02:13,479
Speaker 2: I felt could you do more than six? Or six

1102
01:02:13,600 --> 01:02:17,080
Speaker 2: is like the requiring amount the first go around. This

1103
01:02:17,120 --> 01:02:18,160
Speaker 2: is your first time doing it.

1104
01:02:18,960 --> 01:02:22,480
Speaker 3: Yeah, six is like sometimes depending on the clinic, they

1105
01:02:22,560 --> 01:02:24,720
Speaker 3: might ask you to do eight. But I think six

1106
01:02:24,840 --> 01:02:28,120
Speaker 3: is like the minimum within many weeks. Yeah, yeah, the minimum.

1107
01:02:28,160 --> 01:02:31,560
Speaker 3: And then actually I'm going to go back again later

1108
01:02:31,640 --> 01:02:33,040
Speaker 3: this month for like a booster.

1109
01:02:33,880 --> 01:02:34,920
Speaker 1: You should get boosters.

1110
01:02:35,280 --> 01:02:37,480
Speaker 3: You can get boosters, so like you could go. The

1111
01:02:37,520 --> 01:02:40,240
Speaker 3: doctor told me that sometimes people come back like once

1112
01:02:40,280 --> 01:02:43,000
Speaker 3: a quarter or like twice a year or something, depending

1113
01:02:43,040 --> 01:02:44,840
Speaker 3: on you. You know, if you start, he said, up,

1114
01:02:44,880 --> 01:02:48,280
Speaker 3: I have like two or three down days in a row.

1115
01:02:48,680 --> 01:02:51,080
Speaker 3: Come on back, you know, let's just get that fixed

1116
01:02:51,160 --> 01:02:51,760
Speaker 3: up real quick.

1117
01:02:53,320 --> 01:02:59,320
Speaker 2: And so it's actually pretty dope though, yeah, and pun

1118
01:02:59,360 --> 01:03:07,120
Speaker 2: intended pretty dope. Look, I was so nervous because I

1119
01:03:07,160 --> 01:03:09,120
Speaker 2: was like, I don't I was imagining.

1120
01:03:09,160 --> 01:03:10,200
Speaker 3: Let me tell you what I was imagining.

1121
01:03:10,360 --> 01:03:12,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, because you never did drugs or anything like that before,

1122
01:03:12,480 --> 01:03:15,000
Speaker 2: so I can imagine how your anxiety was.

1123
01:03:15,280 --> 01:03:17,280
Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, I was like, wat, should me be

1124
01:03:17,320 --> 01:03:22,200
Speaker 3: the first person that dies from from an overdose drugs? No? Look,

1125
01:03:22,280 --> 01:03:24,920
Speaker 3: because you know that guy from Friends, He died of

1126
01:03:25,160 --> 01:03:32,240
Speaker 3: a ketamine overdose. The guy, the guy that plays Chandler. Yes,

1127
01:03:32,400 --> 01:03:34,640
Speaker 3: Matthew Perry, I think it's his name. Yeah, he died.

1128
01:03:34,680 --> 01:03:39,800
Speaker 3: He just died doing this keta mean no, No, he

1129
01:03:39,920 --> 01:03:45,680
Speaker 3: wasn't doing the treatment, but started taking it because he

1130
01:03:45,800 --> 01:03:49,400
Speaker 3: was depressed. And probably they probably just because he's a celebrity,

1131
01:03:49,840 --> 01:03:51,240
Speaker 3: they probably just gave it to him. You know what

1132
01:03:51,240 --> 01:03:55,120
Speaker 3: I'm saying, Like you and he probably just odd on

1133
01:03:55,160 --> 01:04:00,440
Speaker 3: that because it does feel great, you know. So I

1134
01:04:00,440 --> 01:04:03,880
Speaker 3: could see how people if that, if you just have

1135
01:04:03,960 --> 01:04:07,960
Speaker 3: it in your hand, I could see how you would, yeah,

1136
01:04:08,120 --> 01:04:10,040
Speaker 3: take it one day and then maybe the next day

1137
01:04:10,120 --> 01:04:11,640
Speaker 3: be like, you know, I'm gonna need a little top

1138
01:04:11,680 --> 01:04:16,280
Speaker 3: off sometime off. I could see how that could happen.

1139
01:04:16,400 --> 01:04:22,120
Speaker 3: But I thought I was going to see like I

1140
01:04:22,160 --> 01:04:25,920
Speaker 3: was picturing like seventies tied eye kaleidoscope. It was going

1141
01:04:26,000 --> 01:04:30,680
Speaker 3: to be like the seven Hell, I thought it was

1142
01:04:30,720 --> 01:04:33,520
Speaker 3: going to be like that, right, and it was. It

1143
01:04:33,600 --> 01:04:36,440
Speaker 3: was very weird. Of course, I watched some YouTube videos

1144
01:04:36,440 --> 01:04:41,000
Speaker 3: of some people who was talking about their experience with Academy,

1145
01:04:41,200 --> 01:04:43,160
Speaker 3: all white people, and.

1146
01:04:43,480 --> 01:04:46,360
Speaker 2: I had You're the only only brownie I saw doing this.

1147
01:04:46,520 --> 01:04:47,640
Speaker 2: That's what really.

1148
01:04:47,520 --> 01:04:48,280
Speaker 1: Made me intrigue.

1149
01:04:48,920 --> 01:04:52,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, and and that's why I decided to record all

1150
01:04:52,240 --> 01:04:53,000
Speaker 3: of my sessions.

1151
01:04:53,120 --> 01:04:54,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, which is helpful.

1152
01:04:55,120 --> 01:04:57,720
Speaker 3: Yeah. I wanted to be the face that I didn't

1153
01:04:57,720 --> 01:04:59,760
Speaker 3: see when I was trying to find information on it

1154
01:05:00,080 --> 01:05:05,720
Speaker 3: whatever facts, And so I try to describe it to

1155
01:05:05,800 --> 01:05:07,320
Speaker 3: some of my friends who asked me like, so, what

1156
01:05:07,440 --> 01:05:11,640
Speaker 3: is it like or whatever, and it is, it's just

1157
01:05:11,920 --> 01:05:15,520
Speaker 3: very A couple of my sessions were very like existential,

1158
01:05:15,680 --> 01:05:19,560
Speaker 3: like I got I got everything. I was questioning everything,

1159
01:05:19,640 --> 01:05:25,240
Speaker 3: like what is people? What is Like I had on

1160
01:05:25,720 --> 01:05:27,880
Speaker 3: an eyemask and I was like touching it and my

1161
01:05:28,000 --> 01:05:30,680
Speaker 3: fingers felt funny, and I was like, what are fingers?

1162
01:05:30,760 --> 01:05:35,040
Speaker 3: What are toes? It was that it was getting were

1163
01:05:35,040 --> 01:05:38,040
Speaker 3: you high? No, yeah, it's a it gives you. They

1164
01:05:38,080 --> 01:05:42,720
Speaker 3: call it like a trip. M had a trip and

1165
01:05:42,800 --> 01:05:46,480
Speaker 3: so uh. And then sometimes I would feel like I

1166
01:05:46,600 --> 01:05:51,280
Speaker 3: was I was floating like an outer space and then

1167
01:05:51,360 --> 01:05:58,959
Speaker 3: other time I was like sinking into myself. I can't

1168
01:05:58,960 --> 01:06:04,600
Speaker 3: even really, it's very strange, but I will say that.

1169
01:06:04,640 --> 01:06:07,960
Speaker 3: Shout out to Jenea Eko because her music is she

1170
01:06:08,080 --> 01:06:10,200
Speaker 3: has an album that's called Trip. I really feel like

1171
01:06:10,240 --> 01:06:12,040
Speaker 3: she does kedamine. Let me just put that out there.

1172
01:06:12,080 --> 01:06:14,760
Speaker 3: I don't know you, but I feel like you do it.

1173
01:06:15,160 --> 01:06:17,360
Speaker 3: And because your music went too good with.

1174
01:06:17,440 --> 01:06:21,440
Speaker 2: The drill, I'm pretty sure a lot of niggas in

1175
01:06:21,440 --> 01:06:23,480
Speaker 2: the industry do that just to keep themselves up with

1176
01:06:23,640 --> 01:06:24,680
Speaker 2: everything is going on.

1177
01:06:24,880 --> 01:06:29,440
Speaker 3: Yeah, because it after the very first one, I just

1178
01:06:29,520 --> 01:06:34,560
Speaker 3: felt lighter. I even in my YouTube video I do

1179
01:06:34,760 --> 01:06:38,680
Speaker 3: a comparison from that morning before I went yo no Lie.

1180
01:06:39,000 --> 01:06:40,040
Speaker 1: I saw the different that.

1181
01:06:40,480 --> 01:06:40,720
Speaker 4: Yeah.

1182
01:06:40,800 --> 01:06:41,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was.

1183
01:06:41,920 --> 01:06:45,200
Speaker 3: Like my eyes were closed, like it was like I

1184
01:06:45,240 --> 01:06:48,560
Speaker 3: could barely open them or something. And then afterwards.

1185
01:06:48,040 --> 01:06:53,640
Speaker 1: Alert, I was like, hey, y'all wide open, like right.

1186
01:06:54,000 --> 01:06:56,040
Speaker 3: I even I noticed it, and I'm looking at my

1187
01:06:56,080 --> 01:07:02,280
Speaker 3: own face, you know. Yeah, food tasted better. I was like, God,

1188
01:07:02,360 --> 01:07:04,760
Speaker 3: damn it feel good. It's the same food I had yesterday.

1189
01:07:04,800 --> 01:07:07,840
Speaker 1: But this, well, that just shows you how real depression is.

1190
01:07:08,440 --> 01:07:13,720
Speaker 3: Okay, it like takes it makes everything dang and everything

1191
01:07:13,800 --> 01:07:17,360
Speaker 3: is just a downer, you know. And so yeah, i

1192
01:07:17,520 --> 01:07:23,520
Speaker 3: just finished my six sessions last week and I'm still

1193
01:07:23,560 --> 01:07:27,520
Speaker 3: feeling good. I you know, I still feel good and

1194
01:07:27,560 --> 01:07:32,400
Speaker 3: I'm excited about you know, what it did for me.

1195
01:07:32,600 --> 01:07:37,240
Speaker 3: And I'm also very happy to get on anybody's platform

1196
01:07:37,400 --> 01:07:39,680
Speaker 3: and talk about it because if I could help, you know,

1197
01:07:40,000 --> 01:07:42,640
Speaker 3: just one more person feel better and like climb out

1198
01:07:42,640 --> 01:07:45,360
Speaker 3: of that deep dark hole, yeah I will.

1199
01:07:46,160 --> 01:07:47,880
Speaker 2: And how many booster shirts are you gonna do? Cause

1200
01:07:47,880 --> 01:07:50,120
Speaker 2: I know you're gonna you're taking one very soon, so

1201
01:07:50,160 --> 01:07:52,680
Speaker 2: how often? Like what's the frequency with that?

1202
01:07:54,000 --> 01:07:57,840
Speaker 3: I think I'm just going to you know, see it out.

1203
01:07:58,040 --> 01:08:00,160
Speaker 3: I'm not really sure, but I just want to to

1204
01:08:00,160 --> 01:08:02,440
Speaker 3: do I'm leaving. I'm about to leave Atlanta soon. That's

1205
01:08:02,440 --> 01:08:03,920
Speaker 3: why I was like, well, let me just get one

1206
01:08:03,960 --> 01:08:08,360
Speaker 3: in with the same clinic that I used to before

1207
01:08:08,600 --> 01:08:12,800
Speaker 3: I go back to Chicago and then either I'll find

1208
01:08:12,840 --> 01:08:15,960
Speaker 3: a place in Chicago or you know, maybe come back

1209
01:08:16,000 --> 01:08:19,080
Speaker 3: to Atlanta with the people that I know. But yeah,

1210
01:08:19,120 --> 01:08:22,200
Speaker 3: I think I'm just gonna like see, I'm hoping that

1211
01:08:22,200 --> 01:08:24,200
Speaker 3: maybe if I can do just like one a quarter,

1212
01:08:24,360 --> 01:08:25,360
Speaker 3: I can still feel good.

1213
01:08:25,479 --> 01:08:26,760
Speaker 1: That's rightly all you need too.

1214
01:08:27,280 --> 01:08:34,360
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I think I'm happy with the results. And

1215
01:08:34,439 --> 01:08:40,439
Speaker 3: this helps people who have anxiety, PTSD, any kind of

1216
01:08:40,520 --> 01:08:47,400
Speaker 3: traumatic events. It really helps with all of those things, depression,

1217
01:08:48,120 --> 01:08:52,720
Speaker 3: all of that. And so yeah, I'm when you reached out.

1218
01:08:52,760 --> 01:08:55,400
Speaker 3: I was like, oh, hell yeah, let's talk about this,

1219
01:08:55,479 --> 01:08:58,679
Speaker 3: because you know, I just feel like black people ain't

1220
01:08:58,680 --> 01:09:00,000
Speaker 3: doing this, oh for sure.

1221
01:09:00,600 --> 01:09:03,479
Speaker 1: No, honestly, I don't even think they're not doing it.

1222
01:09:03,479 --> 01:09:05,000
Speaker 1: I don't think black people know about this.

1223
01:09:05,360 --> 01:09:09,719
Speaker 3: No, yeah, exactly, Yeah, because I'm telling you I didn't

1224
01:09:09,720 --> 01:09:11,719
Speaker 3: know nothing about it. And so my friend, my friend

1225
01:09:11,760 --> 01:09:14,800
Speaker 3: that I called is white, and she was the one

1226
01:09:14,800 --> 01:09:18,320
Speaker 3: that brought it. Like, yeah, Kenny me and you heard

1227
01:09:18,320 --> 01:09:20,400
Speaker 3: about it. It's kind of it's gonna make you happy

1228
01:09:20,439 --> 01:09:21,600
Speaker 3: a little bit. I'm like, I.

1229
01:09:23,200 --> 01:09:25,760
Speaker 2: Was telling my cousin about this, and my cousin you

1230
01:09:25,800 --> 01:09:27,680
Speaker 2: know hood nigga.

1231
01:09:27,920 --> 01:09:29,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm about the interview this girl she did kedd

1232
01:09:30,000 --> 01:09:31,800
Speaker 1: of me. He was like, Nigga, that shrooms.

1233
01:09:32,280 --> 01:09:36,559
Speaker 2: I was like really, he was like, yeah, nigga.

1234
01:09:36,840 --> 01:09:38,280
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I help her though.

1235
01:09:38,320 --> 01:09:40,360
Speaker 2: I'm like, from what I see him, like, she seems

1236
01:09:40,360 --> 01:09:43,120
Speaker 2: happier and lighter. He was like, yeah, he was like,

1237
01:09:43,479 --> 01:09:44,559
Speaker 2: I know that feeling too.

1238
01:09:48,120 --> 01:09:51,439
Speaker 3: Look my friend that I called, she had done shrooms

1239
01:09:51,479 --> 01:09:54,360
Speaker 3: like recreationally, and she was like, no, yeah, it's gonna

1240
01:09:54,360 --> 01:09:58,000
Speaker 3: make you feel good for sure, it's right, right. But

1241
01:09:58,479 --> 01:10:03,080
Speaker 3: the thing that I think what's amazing for me is

1242
01:10:03,120 --> 01:10:07,880
Speaker 3: that I still feel good like later, you know what

1243
01:10:07,880 --> 01:10:12,200
Speaker 3: I'm saying, Like the effects are lasting. And for a

1244
01:10:12,280 --> 01:10:14,400
Speaker 3: lot of people, I was on anti depress I mean,

1245
01:10:14,400 --> 01:10:18,479
Speaker 3: I'm still on antidepressants, but I was on antidepressants before,

1246
01:10:18,640 --> 01:10:21,200
Speaker 3: and it takes like six to eight weeks for antidepressants

1247
01:10:21,200 --> 01:10:23,400
Speaker 3: to like even start doing anything.

1248
01:10:23,080 --> 01:10:23,840
Speaker 1: For a lot of people.

1249
01:10:24,600 --> 01:10:27,880
Speaker 3: And so for you to take one treatment and like

1250
01:10:28,080 --> 01:10:32,120
Speaker 3: sort of feel better that immediately, it's I think that

1251
01:10:32,240 --> 01:10:34,760
Speaker 3: was just a godsend because I was just like, oh shit,

1252
01:10:34,800 --> 01:10:36,200
Speaker 3: I should have did this a long time ago. I

1253
01:10:36,200 --> 01:10:40,280
Speaker 3: should have. I should have, right, I know.

1254
01:10:40,880 --> 01:10:44,000
Speaker 1: I know Reagan and Nancy Shress.

1255
01:10:43,680 --> 01:10:47,320
Speaker 3: Okay what and I said I said that. I said

1256
01:10:47,360 --> 01:10:49,240
Speaker 3: I was a part of the their generation, like I

1257
01:10:49,360 --> 01:10:53,160
Speaker 3: mean everything like and now I'm like.

1258
01:10:53,360 --> 01:10:55,120
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah that.

1259
01:10:59,000 --> 01:11:00,880
Speaker 2: So did you have to make any changes to your

1260
01:11:00,880 --> 01:11:03,600
Speaker 2: self care routine or like, how are you coping with

1261
01:11:03,680 --> 01:11:06,640
Speaker 2: things now that you are on Kennemy.

1262
01:11:07,760 --> 01:11:14,080
Speaker 3: Well, when I was doing the treatments, like you can't

1263
01:11:14,160 --> 01:11:16,000
Speaker 3: drive for twelve hours.

1264
01:11:15,680 --> 01:11:16,559
Speaker 1: Yeah, I saw that.

1265
01:11:17,320 --> 01:11:21,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, so I when I would come home, I would

1266
01:11:21,240 --> 01:11:24,800
Speaker 3: just sort of like veg out for that day. Like

1267
01:11:24,920 --> 01:11:27,519
Speaker 3: towards the end of the night, I would be up.

1268
01:11:27,600 --> 01:11:29,720
Speaker 3: I'm like, oh, okay, I gotta do some editing, I

1269
01:11:29,720 --> 01:11:35,880
Speaker 3: gotta do some this and that. Like it was crazy.

1270
01:11:35,920 --> 01:11:38,240
Speaker 3: I was like actually getting shit done. Like I'm usually

1271
01:11:38,240 --> 01:11:41,679
Speaker 3: a very bit procrastinator, and I was just getting shit done.

1272
01:11:41,960 --> 01:11:45,840
Speaker 3: And it felt really good actually, because nothing felt like

1273
01:11:47,040 --> 01:11:49,720
Speaker 3: so daunting. It didn't feel like it was gonna be

1274
01:11:49,720 --> 01:11:51,759
Speaker 3: hard to do or I was putting it off or whatever.

1275
01:11:51,800 --> 01:11:54,040
Speaker 3: It just felt like, let's hopp into this, let's get

1276
01:11:54,040 --> 01:11:58,920
Speaker 3: this done. But other than that, like I think the

1277
01:11:59,000 --> 01:12:01,439
Speaker 3: thing that has probably stayed a little bit the same

1278
01:12:02,280 --> 01:12:06,040
Speaker 3: is me staying at home a lot, like I still

1279
01:12:06,320 --> 01:12:08,720
Speaker 3: don't leave my house a lot, like I'm not out

1280
01:12:08,720 --> 01:12:15,200
Speaker 3: and about, but for the most part, like I'm doing things.

1281
01:12:15,400 --> 01:12:17,400
Speaker 3: You know. One thing that I noticed that really like

1282
01:12:18,840 --> 01:12:21,439
Speaker 3: made me feel good was that I started singing in

1283
01:12:21,479 --> 01:12:21,920
Speaker 3: the car.

1284
01:12:22,560 --> 01:12:24,679
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, And that was.

1285
01:12:24,600 --> 01:12:28,880
Speaker 3: Something that I realized that I haven't done forever, Like

1286
01:12:28,920 --> 01:12:32,280
Speaker 3: I usually listen to a podcast and I just zone out.

1287
01:12:32,360 --> 01:12:35,000
Speaker 3: I don't speak. I don't really say anything in the car,

1288
01:12:35,080 --> 01:12:37,719
Speaker 3: and you know, I drive down from Chicago to Atlanta

1289
01:12:37,760 --> 01:12:41,200
Speaker 3: and back up like a lot, and it would just

1290
01:12:41,240 --> 01:12:46,080
Speaker 3: be like eleven hours of me just zone. Wow, it's

1291
01:12:46,240 --> 01:12:51,559
Speaker 3: just WoT not saying nothing. And so after my first

1292
01:12:51,640 --> 01:12:57,200
Speaker 3: ketamine and infusion, I went to Walmart. And as I

1293
01:12:57,240 --> 01:12:59,759
Speaker 3: was going to Walmart, I I was like, you know,

1294
01:13:00,280 --> 01:13:03,000
Speaker 3: to music, and I just started listening to music. I

1295
01:13:03,040 --> 01:13:06,439
Speaker 3: put on a nineties playlist and I was singing down

1296
01:13:07,040 --> 01:13:14,120
Speaker 3: Boom Boots. I was singing hard. I was like, you

1297
01:13:14,920 --> 01:13:20,640
Speaker 3: wrote the song. Ohkay, it was amazing. And so you know,

1298
01:13:20,680 --> 01:13:23,960
Speaker 3: I'm I'm just starting to notice things. And other people

1299
01:13:23,960 --> 01:13:27,360
Speaker 3: have been like you, You're like getting back to yourself.

1300
01:13:27,600 --> 01:13:28,920
Speaker 1: Yeah that's good.

1301
01:13:29,439 --> 01:13:32,799
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm just really excited about the prospects of it because,

1302
01:13:33,240 --> 01:13:35,439
Speaker 3: and you know what, it makes me feel hopeful that

1303
01:13:35,800 --> 01:13:38,400
Speaker 3: even if I do have some days where I'm feeling down.

1304
01:13:38,760 --> 01:13:42,880
Speaker 3: Before I felt very hopeless because it was like nothing

1305
01:13:42,920 --> 01:13:47,479
Speaker 3: can help me. This is my life. Now. Yeah, I

1306
01:13:47,520 --> 01:13:49,760
Speaker 3: was just giving up. But now I feel like, even

1307
01:13:49,800 --> 01:13:51,200
Speaker 3: if I do have a couple of days where I'm

1308
01:13:51,200 --> 01:13:54,280
Speaker 3: feeling sad, I'm gonna make an appointment, and I know

1309
01:13:54,360 --> 01:13:57,040
Speaker 3: I'm not gonna be sad, you know for a minute

1310
01:13:57,080 --> 01:13:59,879
Speaker 3: after that, knowing that there is something that can actually

1311
01:14:00,080 --> 01:14:02,880
Speaker 3: helped me and it's like actually working. Yeah.

1312
01:14:03,040 --> 01:14:07,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you also invest in yourself, like even if

1313
01:14:07,040 --> 01:14:09,160
Speaker 2: you have the faith of a mustard, see, the fact

1314
01:14:09,200 --> 01:14:12,479
Speaker 2: that you're still fighting is just like that's inspiring because

1315
01:14:12,479 --> 01:14:13,920
Speaker 2: a lot of people wouldn't even do that.

1316
01:14:15,120 --> 01:14:18,519
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, because listen, I was, I was right there

1317
01:14:18,520 --> 01:14:23,000
Speaker 3: about to give up on everything, and I was like,

1318
01:14:23,160 --> 01:14:26,559
Speaker 3: I just my friend was like, I don't have I

1319
01:14:26,560 --> 01:14:29,800
Speaker 3: wish I had four hundred dollars a session. I would

1320
01:14:29,800 --> 01:14:32,400
Speaker 3: I would do it. And I said, well, if I

1321
01:14:32,439 --> 01:14:34,519
Speaker 3: had jumped off of somebody's bridge, they weren't gonna get

1322
01:14:34,520 --> 01:14:35,479
Speaker 3: their money anyway.

1323
01:14:35,800 --> 01:14:40,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, so what I figure it out?

1324
01:14:40,320 --> 01:14:43,479
Speaker 3: I'm like, if you figure everything else out right, just

1325
01:14:43,800 --> 01:14:46,080
Speaker 3: on a credit card and be happier.

1326
01:14:46,560 --> 01:14:46,960
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1327
01:14:47,840 --> 01:14:50,360
Speaker 3: And it wasn't it wasn't worth it to be like,

1328
01:14:50,439 --> 01:14:53,479
Speaker 3: oh this is so expensive. I just wanted something to

1329
01:14:53,640 --> 01:14:54,960
Speaker 3: help me, period.

1330
01:14:55,160 --> 01:14:55,479
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1331
01:14:55,760 --> 01:14:57,880
Speaker 2: We have two more questions, but something else just came

1332
01:14:57,920 --> 01:15:00,320
Speaker 2: to mind. Is there anything else that you can can't

1333
01:15:00,360 --> 01:15:03,479
Speaker 2: do when you're doing kennymy like is there any like

1334
01:15:03,520 --> 01:15:05,400
Speaker 2: I know you can't drive, but do you have to

1335
01:15:05,479 --> 01:15:07,080
Speaker 2: prepare for anything? Like do you need to eat a

1336
01:15:07,080 --> 01:15:08,679
Speaker 2: certain amount of food or.

1337
01:15:09,800 --> 01:15:14,360
Speaker 3: I actually saw in some other people's experiences that they

1338
01:15:14,439 --> 01:15:17,720
Speaker 3: weren't eating for four to six hours before. So I

1339
01:15:17,760 --> 01:15:21,599
Speaker 3: always made my Kenemine appointments in the morning, like ten

1340
01:15:21,680 --> 01:15:24,599
Speaker 3: thirty or eleven, and I just wouldn't eat anything before

1341
01:15:24,640 --> 01:15:29,360
Speaker 3: I went okay, and so, but they do give you

1342
01:15:29,439 --> 01:15:34,240
Speaker 3: like a nausea, a little nausea, little pill, yeah before

1343
01:15:34,280 --> 01:15:39,400
Speaker 3: it starts, and yeah, they just I think some people

1344
01:15:39,439 --> 01:15:42,559
Speaker 3: probably get the spinnies what they call the spinnies, where

1345
01:15:42,600 --> 01:15:46,519
Speaker 3: like the room is spinning, and yeah, I never got that.

1346
01:15:46,520 --> 01:15:48,920
Speaker 3: That never happened to me. Nothing was ever spinning. But

1347
01:15:49,360 --> 01:15:52,160
Speaker 3: see how if stuff is spinning, how you would feel

1348
01:15:52,160 --> 01:15:55,120
Speaker 3: dizzy and like maybe throw up or whatever. But like

1349
01:15:55,200 --> 01:15:57,360
Speaker 3: every time I went there, like are you feeling any nausea?

1350
01:15:57,479 --> 01:16:02,000
Speaker 3: Are you feeling Nope, I'm good because I never eight. Yeah, yeah,

1351
01:16:02,040 --> 01:16:05,799
Speaker 3: maybe that was a thing. But I would say avoiding

1352
01:16:05,840 --> 01:16:09,960
Speaker 3: alcohol after you know, oh yeah, yeah. I wouldn't say

1353
01:16:10,000 --> 01:16:12,640
Speaker 3: like do ketamine and then go to a bar or

1354
01:16:12,640 --> 01:16:13,920
Speaker 3: something like that.

1355
01:16:13,920 --> 01:16:14,439
Speaker 1: Oh god.

1356
01:16:14,600 --> 01:16:18,920
Speaker 3: Yeah. But other than that, I nothing, you know, no

1357
01:16:19,080 --> 01:16:24,719
Speaker 3: drugs that I was currently taking interfered with it, and yeah,

1358
01:16:24,800 --> 01:16:28,799
Speaker 3: I think it was just you know, a topper something

1359
01:16:28,800 --> 01:16:29,639
Speaker 3: to top it off.

1360
01:16:30,479 --> 01:16:32,439
Speaker 2: Now, if you what would be some advice you will

1361
01:16:32,479 --> 01:16:35,960
Speaker 2: offer to someone considering Kellymine therapy for the first time,

1362
01:16:36,200 --> 01:16:37,080
Speaker 2: What would be your advice?

1363
01:16:38,160 --> 01:16:43,240
Speaker 3: My main advice would be to try it once and

1364
01:16:43,439 --> 01:16:50,200
Speaker 3: if you feel better, go ahead and continue. My I

1365
01:16:50,240 --> 01:16:53,240
Speaker 3: think I just kept thinking because I had learned about

1366
01:16:53,280 --> 01:16:59,280
Speaker 3: like the neural plasticity and like how it was forming

1367
01:16:59,360 --> 01:17:01,920
Speaker 3: neuropaths ways and like lighting up the old ones that

1368
01:17:01,960 --> 01:17:05,240
Speaker 3: were dormant. Once I learned about that, I did not

1369
01:17:05,360 --> 01:17:08,439
Speaker 3: give a fuck what happened. When I was laying down

1370
01:17:08,439 --> 01:17:11,160
Speaker 3: on that chair. I would just like in my head,

1371
01:17:11,160 --> 01:17:12,840
Speaker 3: I was just like, get in there and do what

1372
01:17:12,880 --> 01:17:16,880
Speaker 3: you gotta do. Light up stuff. And if you think

1373
01:17:16,880 --> 01:17:20,559
Speaker 3: about it like that, I think you're more likely to

1374
01:17:20,680 --> 01:17:24,679
Speaker 3: finish the whole treatment because your life everything that needs

1375
01:17:24,680 --> 01:17:26,559
Speaker 3: to be light lit up in my brain to be

1376
01:17:26,640 --> 01:17:31,840
Speaker 3: lit up. But I guess my main advice would be

1377
01:17:31,840 --> 01:17:34,320
Speaker 3: the just if you can afford it, or find a

1378
01:17:34,360 --> 01:17:36,920
Speaker 3: way to afford it, at least try to go once

1379
01:17:37,040 --> 01:17:42,320
Speaker 3: or twice, and you probably will feel better. I felt

1380
01:17:42,320 --> 01:17:43,559
Speaker 3: better after the first one.

1381
01:17:43,840 --> 01:17:47,000
Speaker 1: You'll find it four hundred dollars after that first.

1382
01:17:46,680 --> 01:17:49,280
Speaker 3: To think about everything else you spend four hundred dollars on,

1383
01:17:49,360 --> 01:17:53,439
Speaker 3: like you could find it somewhere. And you know, I

1384
01:17:53,479 --> 01:17:56,679
Speaker 3: feel like, if your life is on the line, it's

1385
01:17:56,720 --> 01:17:59,240
Speaker 3: worth just trying once, you know.

1386
01:18:00,520 --> 01:18:03,679
Speaker 2: And last, but not least, if you can tell your

1387
01:18:03,720 --> 01:18:06,280
Speaker 2: mom one thing about this journey you've been on since

1388
01:18:06,320 --> 01:18:09,800
Speaker 2: she departed. What would that be academy journey or just

1389
01:18:09,880 --> 01:18:13,200
Speaker 2: my life's journey, your life journey since she transition.

1390
01:18:13,560 --> 01:18:24,960
Speaker 3: O child, I would tell her that I was still trying. Yeah,

1391
01:18:25,320 --> 01:18:28,720
Speaker 3: I think I you know, I think I would like

1392
01:18:28,840 --> 01:18:31,519
Speaker 3: to have been like, oh, you know, I did this,

1393
01:18:31,680 --> 01:18:33,840
Speaker 3: I'm so successful, and I traveled here and I did

1394
01:18:33,840 --> 01:18:36,640
Speaker 3: all lah lah lah. But if I had the opportunity

1395
01:18:36,640 --> 01:18:39,200
Speaker 3: to just say one thing to her, it would just

1396
01:18:39,240 --> 01:18:43,200
Speaker 3: be that, like, I'm still trying, I'm still doing it,

1397
01:18:43,280 --> 01:18:46,680
Speaker 3: I'm still here. She probably would understand how much of

1398
01:18:46,680 --> 01:18:49,760
Speaker 3: a struggle it was, considering how sad she was when

1399
01:18:49,800 --> 01:18:53,799
Speaker 3: her own mother passed away. Yeah, and so the fact

1400
01:18:53,800 --> 01:18:57,559
Speaker 3: that like I'm still trying, I think as a very

1401
01:18:57,680 --> 01:19:00,519
Speaker 3: important statement for not only you know, to tell her,

1402
01:19:00,640 --> 01:19:04,920
Speaker 3: but like to tell myself, yeah, and I'm still trying,

1403
01:19:05,520 --> 01:19:06,799
Speaker 3: and I don't even think she will understand.

1404
01:19:06,800 --> 01:19:07,839
Speaker 1: I think she would be proud.

1405
01:19:08,680 --> 01:19:08,880
Speaker 3: Yes.

1406
01:19:09,320 --> 01:19:11,360
Speaker 1: By the way, I actually have.

1407
01:19:12,200 --> 01:19:14,719
Speaker 3: A sticky note on my mirror at home in Chicago

1408
01:19:14,760 --> 01:19:17,280
Speaker 3: that says she's proud of you. Yeah, And so I

1409
01:19:17,439 --> 01:19:19,439
Speaker 3: have to kind of remind myself because I just be

1410
01:19:19,560 --> 01:19:23,400
Speaker 3: like thinking, I'm out here doing the worst. But yeah, no,

1411
01:19:24,240 --> 01:19:25,519
Speaker 3: I'm doing pretty well.

1412
01:19:25,720 --> 01:19:27,760
Speaker 4: Yeah you are. You know.

1413
01:19:27,880 --> 01:19:30,720
Speaker 2: I'm so happy that we connected. I think this conversation

1414
01:19:30,960 --> 01:19:34,960
Speaker 2: was so it was just so like it made me

1415
01:19:34,960 --> 01:19:37,320
Speaker 2: feel really good, like you're eating soul food.

1416
01:19:38,120 --> 01:19:42,479
Speaker 3: Yeah for sure. Sure. Yeah. I appreciate you so much

1417
01:19:42,680 --> 01:19:44,320
Speaker 3: for asking me to come on here.

1418
01:19:44,600 --> 01:19:46,080
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, thank you so much.

1419
01:19:46,080 --> 01:19:49,160
Speaker 2: And I hope this inspires other people to really invest

1420
01:19:49,160 --> 01:19:51,640
Speaker 2: inate mental health because as far as we know, we

1421
01:19:51,680 --> 01:19:54,519
Speaker 2: only get one shot at this period, so.

1422
01:19:54,560 --> 01:19:55,559
Speaker 1: Make the best out of it.

1423
01:19:55,680 --> 01:19:58,240
Speaker 2: So to the listeners, if you have any questions, comments,

1424
01:19:58,320 --> 01:20:00,360
Speaker 2: or concerns, So if you want to say hey girl, hey,

1425
01:20:00,720 --> 01:20:03,680
Speaker 2: please make sure to email me at hello at thepsgepodcast

1426
01:20:03,720 --> 01:20:06,519
Speaker 2: dot com. To my guests, thank you so much for

1427
01:20:06,600 --> 01:20:09,559
Speaker 2: sharing your storyline because, like I always say, you never

1428
01:20:09,600 --> 01:20:13,240
Speaker 2: know how your storyline can be someone else's lifeline, and

1429
01:20:13,640 --> 01:20:26,000
Speaker 2: until next time, everyone Later. The Professional Homegirl podcast is

1430
01:20:26,040 --> 01:20:29,160
Speaker 2: a production of the Black Effect podcast Network. For more

1431
01:20:29,200 --> 01:20:33,479
Speaker 2: podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or

1432
01:20:33,479 --> 01:20:35,880
Speaker 2: wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Don't forget to

1433
01:20:35,880 --> 01:20:38,840
Speaker 2: subscribe and rate the show, and you can connect with

1434
01:20:38,920 --> 01:20:41,559
Speaker 2: me on social media at the PG podcast