Speaker 1: After eleven years almost being a father and four children,
Speaker 1: my wife still believes I don't know what I'm doing
Speaker 1: when it comes to these kids. Did ask, Oh, we're
Speaker 1: You're just gonna agree with that. I just have to
Speaker 1: say that moms just be knowing all the time. It's
Speaker 1: the instinct dead ask. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises.
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with our
Speaker 1: boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
Speaker 1: I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one
Speaker 1: more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We
Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's
Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk
Speaker 1: about through the lens of a millennium married. Dead adds
Speaker 1: is the term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,
Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about
Speaker 1: to take pillows off to a whole new level. Dead
Speaker 1: ass starts right now. This is how crazy mothers be. Right,
Speaker 1: where are you going with us to? Mothers don't even
Speaker 1: believe that the mothers that mothered them, their own mothers
Speaker 1: know how to mother their kids as good as them,
Speaker 1: even though their mothers raised them. Case in point, Mimi
Speaker 1: has helped us take care of all four of our kids.
Speaker 1: We now have Dakota. Right, every time Mimi goes to
Speaker 1: hand Dakota off the cadem it's a standoff. Mimi comes
Speaker 1: in with the coota well greased, well powdered babe baby,
Speaker 1: smelling good, wrapped like a triple deck burrito because he
Speaker 1: got mad blankets on and a heat on eighty five. Right,
Speaker 1: And the minute she walks into the living room, right,
Speaker 1: it's like, do do, dude? He stands up, She stares
Speaker 1: her mother in the face, wraps the coda, unwraps the
Speaker 1: first blanket, throws the bank on the couch. They don't
Speaker 1: lose eye contact, do do? Then she unwrapped the second blanket,
Speaker 1: throws it on the floor. Do do do? Dude? Takes
Speaker 1: the last blanket, throws it over the shoulder, snatches the coda,
Speaker 1: and then walks away. And I'm just like why I
Speaker 1: gotta be like that? Like why is it a battle
Speaker 1: to see who can a battle to see who can
Speaker 1: mother the best? Like like why y'all just can't give
Speaker 1: each other some like accolades flowers while y'all alive and
Speaker 1: just say, hey, Mom, you're a version of mothering is
Speaker 1: just as good as mine. No, it is a battle,
Speaker 1: and I'll just be sitting there like, man, listen, you
Speaker 1: know what, Let's get into karaoke and we can come
Speaker 1: back to the story inside. Because if you can unpack
Speaker 1: that whole story time, Okay, let's unpack it, we're gonna
Speaker 1: bring you out to karaoke, right and this karaoke is
Speaker 1: brought to you by my wife. He like saying, my way,
Speaker 1: my way. What I say goes, I'm in control. Ha
Speaker 1: I love karaoke time. That might be one of my
Speaker 1: new favorites. But anyway, let's go into a break real quick.
Speaker 1: We're gonna get into some ads and we'll be back period.
Speaker 1: Let me that's just what it is. This is a
Speaker 1: big battle in our house. That's what it is for
Speaker 1: kids because there's always constantly evolving things. So back to
Speaker 1: story time, you know, let me unpack the burrito that
Speaker 1: is Dakota. Okay, and my mom, So you know, my
Speaker 1: mom claims that she says, anytime I asked her about it,
Speaker 1: I'm from the old school. This is how we used
Speaker 1: to do things back in the day, clearly back in
Speaker 1: the day as and when she was raising me. And
Speaker 1: that's been a couple of decades ago. Well right, almost
Speaker 1: four for scort no for anyway, I would be fabulous
Speaker 1: as I push that number. But um, you know so
Speaker 1: clearly she she feels like what she does is the
Speaker 1: the right way and the only way were right, and
Speaker 1: I didn't make it here safe and sound. I'm all right,
Speaker 1: you know, skin is nice and hydrated because I've been greased.
Speaker 1: You always smell good efficiently over the years. Um. But
Speaker 1: it's the thing with Dakota and the blanket. So she'll
Speaker 1: have the house first of all, like you said on
Speaker 1: like Jamaica, that's what the thermostat says. And then after
Speaker 1: she brings me to brings him to me. Clearly the
Speaker 1: baby starting to sweat profusely and may die of heat
Speaker 1: stroke because he's wrapped in about four blankets here for blankets.
Speaker 1: But sometimes i'd be a little off, you never know, um,
Speaker 1: but he has on four blankets. And then under the
Speaker 1: four blankets there's the fleece onesie that he's also in
Speaker 1: addition to one that's inside socks. Also, I get it.
Speaker 1: It's cold and flu season. But to go back to
Speaker 1: your initial point, every mom feels like the way they
Speaker 1: do things is the right and the only way. And
Speaker 1: it may have a lot to do with the fact
Speaker 1: that these babies have been in our bodies for nine
Speaker 1: plus months, sometimes less, and then there may be in
Speaker 1: the nickeeue and having to be tended to for you know,
Speaker 1: months or weeks, and we just feel like we know
Speaker 1: what's best. There's a thing that happens when you have
Speaker 1: a baby in it. The baby goes from your inner
Speaker 1: boom to the outer world that you feel like, now
Speaker 1: I can no longer protect this child. We know what happens. No,
Speaker 1: we know birth happens, but the thing is that we
Speaker 1: feel like now we can't protect this child dent the
Speaker 1: way we did before when they were in utero. So
Speaker 1: that being said, every mom, I'm sure has their process.
Speaker 1: Some people rely on that maternal instinct to kick in,
Speaker 1: which I think is definitely a real thing. Um, But
Speaker 1: does the paternal instinct kicking for you? Yes? And there
Speaker 1: are some interesting studies. I'm going to read some of
Speaker 1: them because Truple found them for me. Listen, he purposely
Speaker 1: made your triple found something to support his argument today. No,
Speaker 1: I didn't. I didn't. I didn't say triuble, find something
Speaker 1: to support this. I just said, I just need some
Speaker 1: stats about divorce and kids. Sounded like Cairo facts and
Speaker 1: stats shout out to my boys, Cairo. A staggering six
Speaker 1: of couples in the study reported the decline in relationship
Speaker 1: satisfaction after the arrival of the first baby. The decline
Speaker 1: typically shows up between six months for women and nine
Speaker 1: months for men after the baby comes home. The divorce
Speaker 1: rate for couples with children is as much as lower
Speaker 1: than those without children, mainly because most people will stay
Speaker 1: together together. Seventy half of all children in the United
Speaker 1: States will witness the ending of a parent's marriage. According
Speaker 1: to various studies, the three most common causes of divorce
Speaker 1: are conflict arguing irretrievable breakdown in the relationship, lack of
Speaker 1: commitment and fidelity, and lack of physical intimacy. The least
Speaker 1: common reasons are lack of shared interests and incompatibility between partners.
Speaker 1: This is the reason why I brought those stats up.
Speaker 1: We just had dinner with friends of ours. Couple married,
Speaker 1: just had their second child, and they were speaking to
Speaker 1: us about the issue shoes they have in their marriage.
Speaker 1: Of the issues that they have in their marriage are
Speaker 1: around the children, how they raise and care for their
Speaker 1: children individually. I have another friend who just had a baby,
Speaker 1: same exact conversation he's having with me, from husband to husband, right,
Speaker 1: And like I said, I'm not an expert expert, but
Speaker 1: this is what I've deduced. Right. I've asked both men
Speaker 1: and both wives what seems to be the issue. It
Speaker 1: all stems back to the wives feeling, like you said,
Speaker 1: the baby was inside of me. I am the baby's mom.
Speaker 1: I had to be in control and to cover this
Speaker 1: baby from everything for ten months. Now the baby's outside
Speaker 1: of me. I cannot just turn this baby over to
Speaker 1: you or anybody and say here, I trust you. It's
Speaker 1: just difficult. I agree with that, and it's damn near
Speaker 1: impossible because anything that comes out of my body, I
Speaker 1: don't trust it with nobody anything like what. I understand
Speaker 1: that that stance, no, I can understand, and I agree
Speaker 1: with you, and I'm glad you acknowledge that, because but
Speaker 1: there's a butt. It takes two people to make a baby,
Speaker 1: and fathers have to be allowed two parents. Right. I'll
Speaker 1: give you another example that I've noticed when I was
Speaker 1: in Brooklyn mentoring for ten years, of the kids, three
Speaker 1: out of the four didn't have father figures in their lives.
Speaker 1: And a lot of the moms that I dealt with well,
Speaker 1: and I only say dealt with because they were like
Speaker 1: these were like our family. I don't even family clients,
Speaker 1: because they were more than clients, you know, these are
Speaker 1: this is our community, our village. People over four hundred athletes,
Speaker 1: three you would say three hundred of them didn't have
Speaker 1: fathers in their lives. The vast majority of these women
Speaker 1: were really really strong, great women. But I did notice
Speaker 1: a pattern with them when it came to their children,
Speaker 1: very different to when when they were boys and girls.
Speaker 1: But when it came to their children, they had a
Speaker 1: fear of relinquishing power to the people that they claimed
Speaker 1: they trusted. With their children, they questioned everything, they challenged everything,
Speaker 1: but then said, I trust you to do this, and
Speaker 1: at the same time, wasn't allowing these people to do
Speaker 1: their job and then complaining to these people when they
Speaker 1: couldn't get the job done and didn't realize how much
Speaker 1: of a detriment they were to that relationship. I've seen
Speaker 1: them do this with coaches. I've seen them to do
Speaker 1: this with teachers, principles, mentors, And I said to myself,
Speaker 1: I can't imagine how difficult it had to have been
Speaker 1: to be this child's father trying to be in this
Speaker 1: child's life, because remember I told you a bunch of
Speaker 1: stories of men who were trying to be present and
Speaker 1: were constantly pushed aside you know what I'm saying, and
Speaker 1: being told I got is, I don't need you, but
Speaker 1: then being told why aren't you fathering? Well? I wonder
Speaker 1: what it is. Is it a control thing? Is it
Speaker 1: a thing where the moms are thinking, let me vet
Speaker 1: these people around my children to see that they are
Speaker 1: indeed going to be, you know, um, fulfilling something for
Speaker 1: my children, versus being a detriment to them, Like does
Speaker 1: it ultimately just bid onto control? Because I feel like
Speaker 1: that was some of the issues that some of our
Speaker 1: friends have expressed, that it was a matter of just
Speaker 1: wanting to have control over the situation and versus genuinely
Speaker 1: feeling like the father or the mother depending well, is
Speaker 1: equipped enough to handle their responsibilities. This is why I
Speaker 1: really want to talk about this topic, because I think
Speaker 1: it's it's a two person responsibility. Right, the moms have
Speaker 1: to realize that you're going to have to learn to
Speaker 1: relinquish some control to people that you trust, right. But
Speaker 1: then dad's are going to have to learn that you
Speaker 1: can't just walk away because this woman has not relinquished
Speaker 1: that control to you immediately or in real time or
Speaker 1: when you want it relinquished. Because I didn't get involved
Speaker 1: with people's relationships, that was not my concern. But when
Speaker 1: I spoke to parents who were co parenting, I didn't
Speaker 1: notice that pattern. Right. The moms wanted the dads to
Speaker 1: parent them the way they wanted them to be parented,
Speaker 1: and the dads were like, if you're not gonna let
Speaker 1: me parent the way I want a parent, I don't
Speaker 1: need to be involved. You have it all. And that's
Speaker 1: when I started. I was like, this needs to be discussed.
Speaker 1: At that point, it's like the father wants to just
Speaker 1: wash his hands and be like, all right, well, if
Speaker 1: you have it under control, then we Sometimes it was
Speaker 1: the father's washing their hands, and sometimes it was the
Speaker 1: mom's creating distance on purpose as a way to keep control.
Speaker 1: Because as the kids get older than the kids to say, well,
Speaker 1: I want to do this with my dad and then
Speaker 1: I watched sometimes the moms would find a way to
Speaker 1: create a wedge, so that because and it was a
Speaker 1: fear thing, It wasn't like just a malicious I'm gonna
Speaker 1: make this guy suffer and make mind. It was really
Speaker 1: a feel like I have to do something because I
Speaker 1: don't believe that he is capable of caring for my
Speaker 1: son or daughter as good as I can, So let
Speaker 1: me create a wedge. And I used to tell the
Speaker 1: moms like, do you realize that you'll create Like, do
Speaker 1: you realize like I've I've watched moms at times tell parents,
Speaker 1: tell dad's the wrong time to come to sessions. M hmm,
Speaker 1: on purpose, And then when they get there, the dad
Speaker 1: would be like, yo, you told me this time, and
Speaker 1: then she would create a riff. And then I would
Speaker 1: be like this, I'm like, this is a pattern I'm
Speaker 1: watching you do you cannot do this? And then and
Speaker 1: until try to hold him responsible for not being there.
Speaker 1: So now my question or my thought at this point
Speaker 1: is is it a control thing or is there just
Speaker 1: like some sort of deep rooted vindictive nature that this
Speaker 1: woman has because of maybe her relationship with the father.
Speaker 1: So does it have anything to do with the children
Speaker 1: at this point or is it something that you know
Speaker 1: is stemming from absolutely right, the fear and this is
Speaker 1: that's a great question. The fear of turning over your
Speaker 1: kids to someone like this was created because of the
Speaker 1: way that man handled them. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: You mishandled me. So why can I trust you? I
Speaker 1: can understand. And this is the whole point. Is like
Speaker 1: when you sit back and dissect the the the entire
Speaker 1: scope of the family unit from the outside, not being
Speaker 1: you know, being extremely objective, because I was trying to
Speaker 1: be objective as a mentor and as a as a
Speaker 1: train and because I'm trying to they're not even dealing
Speaker 1: with each other, and I'm trying to find what's in
Speaker 1: the best interests of the child. Right. I started to
Speaker 1: notice a pattern and it was just like, Okay, you
Speaker 1: don't trust him. You don't trust him not because of
Speaker 1: how he parents, you don't trust him because of how
Speaker 1: he was as boyfriend. So since you don't trust him
Speaker 1: because of how he was as a boyfriend, you don't
Speaker 1: trust him as a father, And since you don't trust
Speaker 1: him as a father, and you notice, and I've noticed
Speaker 1: this especially with the boys as the boys got older,
Speaker 1: they got closer to their fathers. The women created a wedge,
Speaker 1: and I had a mom for reasons. You know, I
Speaker 1: can't because these are people who have confided in us,
Speaker 1: have said to me, I did that on purpose because
Speaker 1: I trust I know for a fact he's going to
Speaker 1: break my son's heart and I don't want to watch
Speaker 1: him do that because because inconsistency or his pattern stuff
Speaker 1: in the past. And I'm saying, what do you you
Speaker 1: do realize that you're breaking your son's heart, right, And
Speaker 1: they couldn't even get wrapped their mind around the fact
Speaker 1: that they were doing that because they were saying, like,
Speaker 1: I'm doing what's in the best injuries of my son.
Speaker 1: He'll thank me later. And it all goes back to
Speaker 1: those infant stages of the baby is inside and I'm
Speaker 1: the best one that can take care of it, so
Speaker 1: I create a wedge between everyone and my child so
Speaker 1: that I'm the sole person. Well, and mom is also too,
Speaker 1: kind of like that buffer. You know, we just recently
Speaker 1: learned from someone that we know that they didn't have
Speaker 1: a relationship with their father for their entire life because
Speaker 1: their mom was the person that pretty much just kept
Speaker 1: him away or just pretty much led him to believe
Speaker 1: that his father wasn't all that just didn't want to
Speaker 1: be and that wasn't the truth. But again, she felt like,
Speaker 1: you'll thank me later because he would probably have been
Speaker 1: inconsistent in and out the Sun's life, always breaking his heart.
Speaker 1: So she felt like, you know what to prevent that
Speaker 1: from happening. But it's crazy because they're now as an adult.
Speaker 1: There's so much to unpack from that, you know where
Speaker 1: I tend to kind of I have now realized that
Speaker 1: I need to just kind of be open to it.
Speaker 1: And of course this happened earlier for us because of Jackson.
Speaker 1: He's getting older with every phase of life that our
Speaker 1: boys encounter, so we have all these different phases between
Speaker 1: Jackson and Dakota. I've also realized that I've never been
Speaker 1: a boy, I've never been a man. I've never been
Speaker 1: a black man. I don't know what it's like to
Speaker 1: exist in that space in this world. So I feel
Speaker 1: like I made the best choice possible in choosing a
Speaker 1: spouse and choosing a mate, and choosing a partner who
Speaker 1: would in turn be the father to my children. That
Speaker 1: I can say, you know what, wholeheartedly I'm okay with
Speaker 1: allowing devow to father, but it took some time for
Speaker 1: me to get there. You know, when Jackson was a baby,
Speaker 1: and he was younger, and little things that I wanted
Speaker 1: to just kind of, you know, keep him from falling
Speaker 1: off the bed. For example. You remember the first time
Speaker 1: he fell off the bed and I blew a freaking
Speaker 1: gasket and I was like, how did you allow this
Speaker 1: to happen? Now we know, and every baby that falls
Speaker 1: off the bed's just another thing that happens, and it's
Speaker 1: just like whatever it happens, um. But I had to
Speaker 1: slowly learn to say devouts okay with this baby. I
Speaker 1: had to go back to work, remember, full time after
Speaker 1: Jackson um and for the first I want to say,
Speaker 1: a year and a half of his life, with the
Speaker 1: exception of the four months that I had maternity leave.
Speaker 1: You were so caretaker of Jackson, and it was me
Speaker 1: leaving in the morning and making sure there were posts
Speaker 1: everywhere and everything was set up and all that. And
Speaker 1: I had a whole system going, and you pretty to
Speaker 1: be like to hell, which is them. I did ship
Speaker 1: the way that I wanted to, and thankfully Jackson made
Speaker 1: it out to see another day. He's still here with
Speaker 1: us and thriving and doing well. But um, I had
Speaker 1: to know that and trust that with you they would
Speaker 1: be okay, and that they needed their father. And as
Speaker 1: they continued to grow and to encounter different things in
Speaker 1: life in different phases, that Mom may not be able
Speaker 1: to speak on certain things because I've never experienced it. Um.
Speaker 1: So what I struggle with sometimes is towing the line
Speaker 1: between trying to make sure that I'm involved and that
Speaker 1: I'm mom who's raising these boys to be self sufficient,
Speaker 1: to be respectful and all that, but also to not
Speaker 1: coddling them too much or you know, allowing them to
Speaker 1: express themselves without feeling like I have to be the
Speaker 1: one to run to their rescue all the time, you know.
Speaker 1: And that's what happened with the bed um. Kadeina and
Speaker 1: I is a funny quick story. Kadena and I had Jackson.
Speaker 1: He was about one and a half and he was
Speaker 1: crawling all around the bed and I told Jackson a
Speaker 1: number of times, stop crawling by the edge of the bed.
Speaker 1: Stop crawling by the edge of the bed. Right so
Speaker 1: I had told me and I said, yo, let him
Speaker 1: fall off the bed. He'll be fine. Because it was
Speaker 1: a low bed in the low box spring in my
Speaker 1: sister Tori's room. She had a real plush carpet. I
Speaker 1: was like, Yo, he falls off the bed, that's gonna
Speaker 1: be the shock. He needs to be more careful. If
Speaker 1: you constantly try to save him. There's gonna come a
Speaker 1: time where he's gonna do something that is a little
Speaker 1: bit more extreme that you can't save him. He may
Speaker 1: fall down the stairs, he may fall off a cliff,
Speaker 1: for example. But if he falls off this bed onto
Speaker 1: the flush carpet and realize that he can lose his balance,
Speaker 1: it's a life lesson for him. So I let him
Speaker 1: fall off the bed. She cursed me how she was
Speaker 1: all his but that was my method, right. I also
Speaker 1: learned through you that, um, there's reasons why moms don't
Speaker 1: trust that. Right, that's not the reason why that was
Speaker 1: a life lesson, but a half. Hey, you gotta start early. Um.
Speaker 1: Codeine pointed out certain things to me. Um, she was like,
Speaker 1: I remember when I was watching Jackson stuff. I just
Speaker 1: She used to call me all the time like did
Speaker 1: you feed Jackson? Did you feed Jackson? I used to
Speaker 1: get piste, like super defensive, like I fed him, Like
Speaker 1: I know what I gotta do this my son. I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna let him not eat, right, But then I
Speaker 1: realized the reason why she used to call and ask
Speaker 1: me that was because if she doesn't call and ask me,
Speaker 1: if I ate, I won't eat. So imagine you being
Speaker 1: a woman and you know that you you helped take
Speaker 1: care of this man, but now the one that you
Speaker 1: have to take care of your trusting this person to
Speaker 1: take care of your baby, it can give you anxiety.
Speaker 1: And I never thought about that. I really didn't think
Speaker 1: about that. I just knew that the same way you
Speaker 1: said there's a maternal instinct. There's a paternal instinct, right,
Speaker 1: I'll feed my kids and not eat. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, Like, I couldn't trust that at the time
Speaker 1: that I was like, and I do, and I get that.
Speaker 1: But there's a lot of couples who don't even get
Speaker 1: to that point of realization because they don't even do
Speaker 1: any accountability. So what they do is they start to
Speaker 1: just blame their partner. You don't trust me, you don't
Speaker 1: trust me, you trust my way and trust my way,
Speaker 1: and then it's the constantly back, constant back and forth
Speaker 1: till it gets the point where it's just like, yo,
Speaker 1: I don't want to be arguing a big room with
Speaker 1: you the more and they decided to split up. Once
Speaker 1: you split up, there's I've noticed this with a lot
Speaker 1: of the especially in Brooklyn. Kids and parents have separation anxiety.
Speaker 1: But also, um, what's the name of the when people
Speaker 1: leave them all the time? Oh? Um? When you mean
Speaker 1: when kids always have somebody leaving that? Yeah, what's what's
Speaker 1: it called? What do they develop? When kids? When? When
Speaker 1: kids attachment issues? So they have attachment issues? Right? Imagine
Speaker 1: you're a woman and you're in a relationship and you've
Speaker 1: you've been with this guy and every time things go awry,
Speaker 1: the guy flees. And this has been your relationship for years,
Speaker 1: you happen to get pregnant, and now every time you
Speaker 1: argue about the kid, he flees. What would make this
Speaker 1: woman trust at that man with their kids? You understand
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, And then to me, this is where
Speaker 1: the accountability has to be for both people. Right, You
Speaker 1: as a man have to understand that it is not
Speaker 1: okay for you to leave during this early infant stages.
Speaker 1: And as a woman, you have to be accountable to
Speaker 1: understand that you trusted this person enough to lay down
Speaker 1: with them and and have a baby. You have to
Speaker 1: relinquish some of that control to allow that person to
Speaker 1: be a father. And then what happens to those people
Speaker 1: who didn't necessarily trust this person you laid down with.
Speaker 1: It just might have been a smash. And then what
Speaker 1: happens You have a baby, and then you have a
Speaker 1: baby with somebody you don't even know, And and here
Speaker 1: that's a whole another layer of things to unpack. And
Speaker 1: I've had the mentor and train people who've dealt with that.
Speaker 1: And you know what I've noticed, I've I met one
Speaker 1: of the greatest couples. There was a one night stand,
Speaker 1: they had a baby. They were friends for a long time,
Speaker 1: but they were never trying to be like that with
Speaker 1: each other. But they became intimate one night she got pregnant.
Speaker 1: They made a concerted effort to co parents, give each
Speaker 1: other space and time, but it was about communication and
Speaker 1: about the child. It was never a bickering and whatever
Speaker 1: was in the best interests of the child was done.
Speaker 1: And this young man I met them when he was
Speaker 1: sixteen years old, academically like off the charts, struggled athletically,
Speaker 1: um he had he had some issues with toughness because
Speaker 1: he lived with his mom, so they ended up putting
Speaker 1: him in prototype because his dad wanted him to play football.
Speaker 1: So since his dad wanted him to play football, she
Speaker 1: was just like, I'm going to get up some training
Speaker 1: because he was thin. And his father was like, he'll
Speaker 1: learned playing football and stuff like that. So the mom
Speaker 1: chose to bring him to us. The dad was just like,
Speaker 1: I don't need nobody else to help raise my son.
Speaker 1: But the mom was like, listen, I think this is
Speaker 1: in his best interests. So the father was like, all right,
Speaker 1: well compromise. If you're gonna let him play football, I'll
Speaker 1: let him do this. But that was just a perfect
Speaker 1: example of two people who had different styles, different ideas,
Speaker 1: but they spoke on it. And just like we told
Speaker 1: our friends, the way you get through these situations is
Speaker 1: by constantly having conversations about what you need and what
Speaker 1: you want out of this relationship with this child. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, So me as a father saying, babe,
Speaker 1: I need you to not call me every hour when
Speaker 1: you're at work when I have my son, I need
Speaker 1: you to not do that because I got this. Yes,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, and and for you to say, well,
Speaker 1: I need you to assure me that my child ate it.
Speaker 1: Let me see the empty as bowl, let me see
Speaker 1: the empty as bottle, because stranger things have happened with you. Yes,
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna live. I've gone a whole day and
Speaker 1: the night been like yo, I didn't eat well. I
Speaker 1: unders I understood, you know what I'm saying. But um,
Speaker 1: I think people have to constantly have conversations and understand
Speaker 1: that having a conversation is in always an argument doesn't
Speaker 1: have to be a battle, And having those constant conversations
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that your marriage is in the rut right,
Speaker 1: It just provides so much clarity. And then the context
Speaker 1: I think comes from thinking about how each person was raised.
Speaker 1: Think about how much your background and your childhood and
Speaker 1: your parents parenting styles and the environment that you grew
Speaker 1: up in that all impacts how you parents. So imagine
Speaker 1: having two people with completely different ways they were raised,
Speaker 1: completely different backgrounds, completely different parenting styles, adversity that they've
Speaker 1: had to encounter, and how that then impacts how they
Speaker 1: raise their children. Then you're like voting on so many
Speaker 1: other you know things. So I'm glad you brought up
Speaker 1: someone interrupt quick ask you this question answer. Can you
Speaker 1: give women or moms three things that they can do
Speaker 1: to help easy anxiety or relinquish the control and say,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna let my partner take care of these three
Speaker 1: things that you've done or noticed. And it doesn't have
Speaker 1: to be your husband or your your baby far just
Speaker 1: to be other. This is someone that I have to
Speaker 1: trust in this moment because some women don't have someone right,
Speaker 1: some women only have a nanny, or only have a sister,
Speaker 1: only have an aunt. What's three things you can tell
Speaker 1: these women they can do to relinquish that control and trust?
Speaker 1: People got you? Well, I think the first thing is
Speaker 1: something that you said, which we've been saying. Only have
Speaker 1: your children stay with or in the presence of people
Speaker 1: who you wholeheartedly trust. Like there's just certain people that, Hey,
Speaker 1: this might be my friend, that's my my home girl,
Speaker 1: we go to the club, we hang out, we shot,
Speaker 1: but she would not be equipped to watch my children,
Speaker 1: like meet people where they are and know what they're
Speaker 1: capable of, you know. So that's the case. Know who
Speaker 1: it is that you're leaving your children with. So that's
Speaker 1: number one, UM Number two, if there are things that
Speaker 1: you're very specific about when it comes to your children.
Speaker 1: For example, my child can only eat at this certain
Speaker 1: amount of time, for this a certain amount um, this
Speaker 1: time of day. Be specific with your rollout, so you
Speaker 1: may feel like you're being erotic like I used to
Speaker 1: do the post it, so you may feel keep being crazy.
Speaker 1: But if there's a step by step process for people
Speaker 1: to follow when you leave your children with them, I
Speaker 1: think that a eliminates any doubt for the person who's
Speaker 1: now the caretaker, and then it gives you the reassurance
Speaker 1: that you've left everything step by step, like a blueprint
Speaker 1: exactly for someone to follow. Um. And then a number
Speaker 1: two and then number three. Can you give one specifically
Speaker 1: for women who like struggling with their their spouse, like,
Speaker 1: because that's what we're getting a lot of these arguments
Speaker 1: of people who we had a baby together, now she changed,
Speaker 1: she had different. Give something and I want to speak
Speaker 1: to the women, but I want the men to hear
Speaker 1: it and say this is what we can work on. Right.
Speaker 1: The third one I would say is that you need
Speaker 1: to not not downplay or bash the father and his
Speaker 1: style of doing things, but rather try to have a
Speaker 1: conversation to understand his mindset of why he did something
Speaker 1: with the child together. For example, maybe the at you're
Speaker 1: playing rough house with the boys, right, and you're teaching
Speaker 1: them how to to fight each other, which is what
Speaker 1: you do in the house with the boys. You have
Speaker 1: Kiro and Cats finding each other, Jackson and Cairo. You
Speaker 1: have Jackson sometimes purposely pick on Cats or Cairo just
Speaker 1: because you want to get that toughness built up in them, right,
Speaker 1: because you're sending your kids out into the world and
Speaker 1: who knows what's going to happen with them. So having
Speaker 1: the conversation to say, all right, I need to understand
Speaker 1: your mindset behind why you do this, that has helped
Speaker 1: me a lot because that made me think, Okay, Devil
Speaker 1: has been a boy, he's been a school aged boy,
Speaker 1: He's had to deal with bullying, He's had to deal
Speaker 1: with all these different things that I may not have
Speaker 1: had to deal with. So he can foresee a potential
Speaker 1: of something happening down the line or in the future
Speaker 1: with my sons that I may not be able to
Speaker 1: talk them through guide them through because I just have
Speaker 1: not walked that walk. So I think women should be
Speaker 1: having the conversations with their husband or with their spouse
Speaker 1: for their child's father to say, hey, I'm seeing that
Speaker 1: you've been doing it this way. I don't necessarily agree
Speaker 1: with it. I don't necessarily think it's right, but I
Speaker 1: want to really understand why you're doing this or how
Speaker 1: you arrive at this method of doing it, because it
Speaker 1: just doesn't make sense to me. And sometimes if clarity happens,
Speaker 1: then you have a little bit more or you'll be
Speaker 1: more willing to relinquish that control a bit if she's
Speaker 1: willing to be understanding, because a lot of times people
Speaker 1: to ask questions only with the intent to argue, or
Speaker 1: of course to argue. I don't want to compromise either.
Speaker 1: You have to be open to compromising and you have
Speaker 1: to be you know, and also too, if that's the case,
Speaker 1: sold to your children on the side, put them to
Speaker 1: the sign and be like yo, when you use with
Speaker 1: your father. I just want to make sure that everything
Speaker 1: went well, you know. Um, But no, I think it's
Speaker 1: just the conversations, just like how regular couples have conversations
Speaker 1: about finances, about plans and gold. That's definitely something that
Speaker 1: needs to be spoken on, for sure. I got three
Speaker 1: for the gentleman, because the dudes be like pulling their
Speaker 1: hair out. Like the first thing, I would say that
Speaker 1: the most important thing when you and your wife is
Speaker 1: pregnant and you're about to have a kid, take some
Speaker 1: time to do a deep dive into her family history.
Speaker 1: If you can understand who she is, how her family
Speaker 1: was raised, how she was you know how she was raised,
Speaker 1: and you can understand where some of the anxiety maybe
Speaker 1: coming from. Now she has her heart beat outside walking around.
Speaker 1: If you can understand her family history, you can sit
Speaker 1: back and saying I know why that triggers you, or
Speaker 1: I know why you choose to do this with our children.
Speaker 1: That's number one. Number two. Understand that the first year
Speaker 1: after a woman gives birth, it takes her all of
Speaker 1: that time to get back physically, emotionally, and spiritually. So
Speaker 1: everything you're going through in this first year, and it
Speaker 1: said here on the breakdown that most people get divorced
Speaker 1: between six and nine months after having a baby. That's
Speaker 1: still within the year. The woman that you're next to
Speaker 1: right now that just had that baby is not the
Speaker 1: woman that you proposed to or laid down with or
Speaker 1: got married to. So understand it's gonna take her time
Speaker 1: to get back. So when you're saying she's changed, absolutely
Speaker 1: she's changed because she had to uh, grow a baby,
Speaker 1: nurture the baby, give birth to the baby, now nurture
Speaker 1: the baby outside of her body with her body like
Speaker 1: they when a woman has a baby, she's then reborn.
Speaker 1: So to reintroduce yourself to an extent, So if you
Speaker 1: if you have that understanding of that as a man,
Speaker 1: you will give your your wife or your girlfriend a
Speaker 1: little bit more grace when it comes to dealing with
Speaker 1: these issues as opposed to being like she's being neurotic
Speaker 1: and ridiculous, like if you understand that. So that's one
Speaker 1: is understanding her family history too, is understanding where she
Speaker 1: is physically and understand that where she is. And the
Speaker 1: last one is this bro yes her to death and
Speaker 1: when she leaves, do what you want to do anyway,
Speaker 1: because that's what I do. Like now, I know I'm
Speaker 1: never leaving this house with the no. But but here's
Speaker 1: the truth. Though, people argue right because they just want
Speaker 1: to be right in the moment. Right, So you're telling
Speaker 1: me all of these things to do with the posts,
Speaker 1: and most people are you don't want to do this
Speaker 1: I don't know this. Are you know what I did?
Speaker 1: I used to look at the focus posts. You said
Speaker 1: two and a half hours, right, we got four ounces? Right,
Speaker 1: I'm just with the milk bourbon. Two minutes okay, um,
Speaker 1: two changes in the onesie, I gotta do, Okay, I
Speaker 1: make sure I get a lot done. The minute you left,
Speaker 1: I was like, rip, rip ribbedy rip, throw that out.
Speaker 1: He was in the same ones thee all day. The
Speaker 1: ones he was open, it was just flapping. I was
Speaker 1: walking around, fed him what I wanted to feed him.
Speaker 1: If he wasn't crying, he was not getting no extra bottle,
Speaker 1: and he was fine. And when you came home and
Speaker 1: he was like, did you do everything I told you?
Speaker 1: I was like yeah, because it wasn't even worth it
Speaker 1: to debate about what you told me. Let me tell
Speaker 1: y'all have to survive. I'm about to choke myself. Let
Speaker 1: me tell you how far we've come. Okay, let me
Speaker 1: tell you how far we come. I got a quick story.
Speaker 1: So I'm taking Chiros to a birthday party last weekend
Speaker 1: for one of his friends. Beautiful sixty five degree day
Speaker 1: in Atlanta in February, you know, and I'm like, all right,
Speaker 1: I can rock with this. Coming from New York, I'm
Speaker 1: like this, this is it all right? Slid However, he's
Speaker 1: going to a snow tubing party. So these people brought
Speaker 1: some snow in, you know, and built these two little
Speaker 1: slides with ice and snow for the kids to slide on.
Speaker 1: So the mom messaged me and say, hey, I'm so
Speaker 1: happy that Kyra can come to the party. Just make
Speaker 1: sure that you're dressing him appropriately because we're going to
Speaker 1: be doing snow tubing. So I'm like, cool, I'm thinking
Speaker 1: snow tubing is wet, it's cold, it's ice. Let me
Speaker 1: make sure that he's dressed appropriately. So I put on
Speaker 1: some long johns on him, right, put some sweatpants on,
Speaker 1: and then he has on his socks, his hoodie whatever.
Speaker 1: So as been rushing out the door because the VAL's
Speaker 1: gonna drop us over to the party. I'm my devot,
Speaker 1: where's Cairo's you know, bubble coat? And he's just like,
Speaker 1: it's sixty five degrees. I'm like, I know it's sixty
Speaker 1: five degrees. However, a you know how kids could randomly
Speaker 1: there and we're like, I'm cold, I'm not whatever. I
Speaker 1: bring the coat because I feel like, I want to
Speaker 1: be prepared in the event that I need the coat, right,
Speaker 1: I too put on my coat because I'm always cold.
Speaker 1: So Devo doesn't say anything. I get in the car,
Speaker 1: we go to the party. I'm at the party with Cairo.
Speaker 1: He's sliding on the slide leaving. I was just like,
Speaker 1: why are we Why are you taking a bubble cot? Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: because I asked you where it was and you were
Speaker 1: just like, why do you need the sixty five degrees?
Speaker 1: And then I was just like, I just want to
Speaker 1: bring it just in case. So then we get to
Speaker 1: the party. Cairo is going on the slide. He goes
Speaker 1: down twice. There's like mud at the bottom, so he's
Speaker 1: already instantly dirty. Cairo's piste now, because we know how
Speaker 1: Cairo stays about his clothes, y'all, He's very particular about
Speaker 1: his clothes. Remember that point when I get here to
Speaker 1: we but this story to continue, continue, So Cairo is
Speaker 1: upset about the snow and the mud and all that.
Speaker 1: At this point, he didn't have his bubble coat, and
Speaker 1: I just had it in my hands because I wanted
Speaker 1: to make sure, you know, just in case. So at
Speaker 1: the party, can I finish So I'm there, I'm talking.
Speaker 1: You know, we're under the shade of the backyard of
Speaker 1: the people's house and whatnot. So eventually I even start
Speaker 1: to get warm, so I take my coat off, right,
Speaker 1: So Kyro and I both have our coats and they're
Speaker 1: off to the side. So we're going back to the
Speaker 1: car now when Devlo picks us up, and Devot could
Speaker 1: not wait to ask me if we use the bubble
Speaker 1: coat or not. We did not use the bubble coat.
Speaker 1: But you know what a mother does. A mother foresees
Speaker 1: all of the scenarios that could potentially happen. And if
Speaker 1: I if I do that, what would have happened is
Speaker 1: Kyra would have been like, mom, I want my coat,
Speaker 1: or mom My, my sweatshirt is dirty. I want to
Speaker 1: take it off. And then I would have been ill
Speaker 1: equipped and had to call you to come back and
Speaker 1: bring me change your clothes. So I'd rather be prepared
Speaker 1: and have the coat in the event that he got
Speaker 1: chilly and he got dirty. And then this is the
Speaker 1: longest story ever. This story is longer than storytime story.
Speaker 1: I just want to put that out there because you're
Speaker 1: trying to get all your details. This is the problem y'all.
Speaker 1: This is the problem. People just be listening with the
Speaker 1: intent to respond and not even let me get my
Speaker 1: story out finished as a mom, to make sure that, okay,
Speaker 1: all of the scenarios that could potentially happen, I'd rather
Speaker 1: have it, you know, the mom that has said all
Speaker 1: of the scenarios, you didn't prepare for the greatest scenario.
Speaker 1: And I'm shocked that you didn't prepare for this. But
Speaker 1: you know why, I'm not shocked because you were never
Speaker 1: Because you were never a boy. Okay, I was a boy, right,
Speaker 1: And I remember going to parties and my mom getting
Speaker 1: me dressed and having on khakis and a bow tie
Speaker 1: and niggas just running around and my ship my first thing.
Speaker 1: My mother said, don't you get them closed dirty. It's
Speaker 1: a party, right, But that was no. But but this
Speaker 1: is where you didn't foresee things, right, Jackson. I mean,
Speaker 1: Kiro loves that Michael Jordan's hoodie. He loves it, don't he.
Speaker 1: I would have told him, don't wear that hoodie to
Speaker 1: go slide down and thing into a barrel of hay
Speaker 1: with dirt on it. You're going to get the hoodie dirt.
Speaker 1: You know why you didn't know it's gonna be dirt
Speaker 1: because you're not a boy and you never slid down
Speaker 1: things right boys. So and I would have had I
Speaker 1: known about the party, but I didn't know about the party.
Speaker 1: In any events, moms foresee things differently, And this is
Speaker 1: why it's important for parents to understand that there's no
Speaker 1: one way to do everything right right. If we were
Speaker 1: a team in that moment, as opposed to someone saying
Speaker 1: I got this because I'm a mom, I wouldn't have
Speaker 1: got a text message saying that Chiro's crying because his
Speaker 1: hoodie's dirty, because Daddy would have told you, don't wear
Speaker 1: them fresh Jays because they're gonna get dirty. Don't wear
Speaker 1: that hoodie because it's gonna get dirty. But did Mom
Speaker 1: think about that? No? You want to know why, because
Speaker 1: Mom is not a sneaker head. He didn't wear his
Speaker 1: fresh Days sidebar. He wore his old Let you tell
Speaker 1: your story. Didn't but but you got to I let
Speaker 1: you tell you. He did not wear his cool grays
Speaker 1: because I was nervous about that. So, no, he didn't
Speaker 1: wear his cool grays that he loves. Did she go
Speaker 1: controlling the conversation? We just talked about control. We just
Speaker 1: learned talking about control. The point ain't The point of
Speaker 1: my rebuttal is that a mom can't see everything because
Speaker 1: moms don't know everything. Y'all just claim y'all know everything.
Speaker 1: Y'all don't, especially when it comes to raising boys because
Speaker 1: you've never been a boy. So but but there's a
Speaker 1: lot of moms out there who will not be honest
Speaker 1: about that and still claim they know everything and still
Speaker 1: push fathers aside while trying to raise young boys, not
Speaker 1: realizing that the greatest person to help them maybe their father.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, And that's the whole point
Speaker 1: of the conversation is listen, understand that your spouse has
Speaker 1: a perspective, respect their perspective, and let's not argue about
Speaker 1: who did things the right way, which because here's the thing.
Speaker 1: Becaudina and I didn't argue to get in the car
Speaker 1: and go to the party. We didn't argue when we
Speaker 1: got back from the party because we both matured enough
Speaker 1: to say, hey, she's gonna do what she want to do.
Speaker 1: She took him to the party, I'm gonna let her
Speaker 1: walk there with the big gas bubble coats and fumbling
Speaker 1: bubble and carried around because I don't got to do it.
Speaker 1: Part of the reason why I'll be getting upset when
Speaker 1: you be carrying a whole bunch of stuff for options.
Speaker 1: It's I'm the mothercker. I gotta carry that stuff. So
Speaker 1: we'll be walking through the airport and we got four kids,
Speaker 1: and every kid got to have an option. I'm the
Speaker 1: one that got to carry the option while she walks
Speaker 1: around with her purse and her shades on, and I'm
Speaker 1: back there fumbling with mad guys, and then she's asking
Speaker 1: me why I'm frustrated because I'm I'm the one that
Speaker 1: has to carry your options. But I don't only carry
Speaker 1: options for the kids. I'll be heavy your back to
Speaker 1: you and not be having stuff for you because at
Speaker 1: a random moment in time, if I was just like,
Speaker 1: oh I need to tiss you, Oh damn, I could
Speaker 1: do to snack uh And usually nine times out of tank, y'all,
Speaker 1: I got that ship in my backpack, backpack, back back backpack,
Speaker 1: Like Dora, We're gonna take a break and go pay
Speaker 1: some of these ads because this is one of those moments.
Speaker 1: I said this in season I think it was season two.
Speaker 1: When your wife thinks you know everything and you're tired
Speaker 1: of argument to be like, okay, baby, this we're having discussion.
Speaker 1: We're having a discussion, y'all. This is not an argument.
Speaker 1: But we're gonna take a break, come back with some
Speaker 1: listening letters. We get into y'all business. Y'all be in
Speaker 1: our business, all right, y'all. So now we're back for
Speaker 1: listener letters, which I think is easily becoming devours favorite
Speaker 1: part of the show. Shoot, we want to gain people.
Speaker 1: Agree on that, all right, We agree on that right now.
Speaker 1: First one, hey de Valcote, and congrats on Dakoda. Thank you,
Speaker 1: my sweet baby. He's the sweetest baby, y'all. Oh man. Anyway, Um,
Speaker 1: my boyfriend and I have been together for a year now,
Speaker 1: and we keep coming back to this recurring conversation fathering
Speaker 1: with a real father figure. Let me explain, my boyfriend
Speaker 1: feels as if because he didn't have a real father figure,
Speaker 1: he doesn't know how to be a father to his son's.
Speaker 1: Now I speak life into it and suggest that he
Speaker 1: learns the things that he wasn't taught and then teach
Speaker 1: his boys those things. I know in my personal experience,
Speaker 1: I've taken the things my daughter, my mother taught me,
Speaker 1: and I appreciate and taught my daughter and omitted the
Speaker 1: things that I did, like in order to parent my daughter.
Speaker 1: I feel that his fear of failing as a father
Speaker 1: is crippling him whenever his schedule allows. We have his boys.
Speaker 1: He's a great father, considering he feels like he isn't
Speaker 1: He doesn't have it all, but his children adore him
Speaker 1: because he gives them encouragement, a safe space to be
Speaker 1: themselves and speak freely. Is there anything else I can
Speaker 1: do on my part to help him? Okay, so he
Speaker 1: has these boys outside of her, got you? Well? The
Speaker 1: first thing is, um, it's not your responsibility to make
Speaker 1: him feel secure about being a father, like you just
Speaker 1: can't do that. We we've learned this with Delna. We
Speaker 1: spoke about this like there are two things, and specifically
Speaker 1: that you can't controllers that someone else's happiness and someone
Speaker 1: else's security. Most of the time, their their lack of
Speaker 1: happiness or feeling of insecurity comes from their personal experiences,
Speaker 1: and part of his insecurity comes from him not dealing
Speaker 1: with his father issues. And men can have daddy issues too,
Speaker 1: and a lot of times, especially like I said before,
Speaker 1: mentoring these young men who didn't have fathers. They come
Speaker 1: from fathers whose fathers were not there, and a lot
Speaker 1: of times, like you know, like this young man says,
Speaker 1: they feel like they don't know how to father, which
Speaker 1: is not always the case. You have to be willing
Speaker 1: to say to yourself, I know I'm gonna make some
Speaker 1: mistakes along the way, but I'm gonna figure out and
Speaker 1: we're gonna figure it out together. That's something I say
Speaker 1: that Jackson, Cairo, and Kaz soon to be the coda.
Speaker 1: All the time, Daddy makes mistakes. And I grew up
Speaker 1: with my father, my uncle's and my grandparents, so I've
Speaker 1: always had positive male figures in my life. But I
Speaker 1: still make mistakes. And every time we go through stuff
Speaker 1: and we're talking about things like the boys are at
Speaker 1: the point out the end out walk in the room,
Speaker 1: they like add attention because they think they're in trouble,
Speaker 1: you know, because because of my work schedule for a
Speaker 1: couple of months, I wasn't home. So then when I
Speaker 1: did come home, I was always checking them on stuff
Speaker 1: that I saw wrong. So every time I walk in
Speaker 1: the room, they felt like I was doing like like
Speaker 1: they did something wrong. First of all, that was mistake
Speaker 1: number one, right, So then after a while, I was like,
Speaker 1: I get I feel kind of bad every time I
Speaker 1: walk somewhere that they feel like they're in trouble. So
Speaker 1: I started just calling them and be like, Jackson, Cairo
Speaker 1: like what I'm like, come here. So when they come
Speaker 1: and I hugged him and be like that, I tell
Speaker 1: you I love you today. Just so that my presence
Speaker 1: doesn't put fear in their heart, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: But I also tell them like, hey, listen, you've never
Speaker 1: been tent before, Jackson, this is your first time being tent.
Speaker 1: You're gonna make mistakes. I've never had a ten year old.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna make mistakes. Can we make mistakes together and
Speaker 1: hug each other and figure it out? And he's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: we can. Like yeah, So I think for for you,
Speaker 1: young lady, continue to encourage him. Um, but he is
Speaker 1: going to have to do the work on his own
Speaker 1: outside of you. He's gonna have to I don't know
Speaker 1: how he's going to deal with his father issues if
Speaker 1: his therapy speaks to his mom about what happened, but
Speaker 1: he's going to have to find a way to reconcile
Speaker 1: with not having a father. If he's gonna want to
Speaker 1: work on those insecurities. I think half the battle for him,
Speaker 1: which I admire, is the fact that he even acknowledges
Speaker 1: that he realizes that there may be a deficit for
Speaker 1: him as a father because he hasn't had his dad UM.
Speaker 1: And then you talked about earlier paternal instinct kicking in,
Speaker 1: the same maternal instinct kicks in. So if he, I think,
Speaker 1: relies on that, and if they do have a healthy
Speaker 1: co parenting relationship, I think it would be great. And
Speaker 1: I think that he'll be okay once he, like you said,
Speaker 1: maybe gets the therapy or deals with that. But I
Speaker 1: love that he is even speaking about that, and he's
Speaker 1: interested in finding ways to be a better father UM,
Speaker 1: and that can be personal to him. So, for example,
Speaker 1: you're not doing some of the things that you've experience
Speaker 1: with your dad. You said, for example with Jackson, you
Speaker 1: did something with Jackson, or you spoke to him about
Speaker 1: something recently and you said, you know, Jackson, I have
Speaker 1: to apologize to you because I did not go about
Speaker 1: this the right way. You're apologized until your ten year old.
Speaker 1: That's something that you said your dad never did. He
Speaker 1: never apologize or admitted fault sometimes. So that's something that
Speaker 1: you've taken from your experience with your dad and you
Speaker 1: have now said, you know what, I'm going to do
Speaker 1: it differently him not having his dad there. They don't
Speaker 1: to this day, don't apologize. They just like, right, yeah,
Speaker 1: you're my child, and you know how that affected you
Speaker 1: growing up and how you felt kind of discredited along
Speaker 1: the way. So now you're taking that portion of your parents,
Speaker 1: you know, way with you, and you're altering that with
Speaker 1: him not having his father around, he can now create
Speaker 1: that life that he wants for himself and his boys. Um.
Speaker 1: So yeah, just stick by his side, like you, vinces um,
Speaker 1: continue to speak life into him and maybe let him know,
Speaker 1: like you know, just because you didn't have your dad
Speaker 1: around doesn't mean that you can't now create your own
Speaker 1: path just based off of what you see fit for
Speaker 1: your son's cool. It's a good one. Number two. Hello,
Speaker 1: Thank you both for always keeping in and for always
Speaker 1: discussing hard subjects that no one else wants to talk of.
Speaker 1: W We appreciate you listening. Thank you so much. I
Speaker 1: am writing to you both for advice because I don't
Speaker 1: know what I should do in a relationship I'm currently
Speaker 1: in I'll try to keep this email short. I'm a
Speaker 1: twenty eight year old woman while my boyfriend is thirty. Essentially,
Speaker 1: we work extremely well together except for his insecurities and jealousy.
Speaker 1: We have two different views on how when to keep
Speaker 1: people in our lives. He is not friends with any
Speaker 1: of his exits, along with anyone he has ever slept with. I,
Speaker 1: on the other hand, am He knew this coming into
Speaker 1: the relationship. He does not try to stop me from
Speaker 1: hanging out with any of these friends. However, his emotions
Speaker 1: become so high at the slightest mention of it, he
Speaker 1: starts playing a bunch of scenarios in his head and
Speaker 1: tricks himself into thinking I'm playing him. He shuts down
Speaker 1: and almost immediately needs space for me. He tells me
Speaker 1: I'm not doing anything wrong, but it always feels like
Speaker 1: I am because of how high his emotions get. I
Speaker 1: have cheated before and another relationship, while he never has. However,
Speaker 1: when we initially met over ten years ago, we were
Speaker 1: in uh F W B relationship. I'm not sure oh
Speaker 1: friends would benefit relationship while I was in an open relationship.
Speaker 1: I d stand his perspective on things, and I'm not
Speaker 1: upset with him for having them. I just don't know
Speaker 1: what to do because every time I suggest an alternative,
Speaker 1: he immediately shuts it down. What advice can you guys
Speaker 1: give me? Yeah, I mean insecurities is something that you
Speaker 1: can't control. Jealousy you can't control. He knew what it
Speaker 1: was apparently when he got with you, because you've explained
Speaker 1: that you guys both kept it a hundred in in
Speaker 1: the beginning. So that sounds like a him problem, not
Speaker 1: a you problem, sis um, But to the point where
Speaker 1: it's always an argument, where it's always jealousy, it's always
Speaker 1: these scenarios that he's playing, and said, him not being
Speaker 1: secure with himself is not something that you can teach him.
Speaker 1: And if that's going to be a detriment to you
Speaker 1: and the relationship with him, then maybe you need to
Speaker 1: reassess this. This is something you even want to be
Speaker 1: a part of. I think that's a UM. That's a
Speaker 1: really good suggestion that a lot of people don't want
Speaker 1: to hear. Right, it's like, fix my relationship. Sometimes the
Speaker 1: relationship can't be fixed, right, especially if one person doesn't
Speaker 1: want to fix themselves or feel strongly about something which
Speaker 1: he says. It seems like he does. It seems as
Speaker 1: if he has insecurities. Either he was cheated on or
Speaker 1: he watched someone be cheated on and it affected him
Speaker 1: and it triggers him. So now he's trying his hardest
Speaker 1: to be understanding and to be you know, accepting of
Speaker 1: her lifestyle of having a friend that she had sex with.
Speaker 1: But it's difficult. He has to be honest with her
Speaker 1: and say this is difficult for me, and she has
Speaker 1: to be honest with him and say, well, I don't
Speaker 1: I'm not willing to change, And he has to be
Speaker 1: honest with himself because how many times have we or
Speaker 1: not we per se But I know I have sometimes
Speaker 1: agreed to or signed up to things that I thought
Speaker 1: I would be okay with and then I mean the
Speaker 1: thicker things and I'm like, I second, though, I don't
Speaker 1: think I like this, So question what made you say it?
Speaker 1: What made you agree to something? Because it's like sometimes
Speaker 1: you'll talk yourself into it. You be like, you know what,
Speaker 1: Alwa's not going to be that bad, or oh, this
Speaker 1: probably is a worst case scenario, or this may happen,
Speaker 1: but it probably really won't happen. So then you just
Speaker 1: talk yourself into thinking all right, Well, if it did happen,
Speaker 1: I'd be okay, not really thinking it's going to happen.
Speaker 1: But when it does happen, you're like, damn, now that
Speaker 1: it's actually here, I don't think what's called I wonder,
Speaker 1: I wonder what what's that called. I'm, for example, I'm
Speaker 1: not I'm thinking about all of the things. You think
Speaker 1: you're him thinking about all the scenarios. Yeah, but because
Speaker 1: I'm him thinking about all of the scenarios, I would
Speaker 1: say I'm not comfortable. I'm not going to talk about
Speaker 1: all the scenarios and then say I'm comfortable with it
Speaker 1: and hope that that scenario don't happen. Like that's a
Speaker 1: recipe for disaster, because I've learned that the hard way.
Speaker 1: Once you give someone the license to do something, right
Speaker 1: saying that, okay, five things can happen if I give
Speaker 1: them this license. Of the five things too, I don't
Speaker 1: like there's a chance that two of those things might
Speaker 1: might happen. You can't say once two of those things happen, well,
Speaker 1: I didn't like this. That's unfair, that's not that's not honest,
Speaker 1: that's not transparent with the person that you're being You're dating,
Speaker 1: you know, so you cannot do that, and and for me,
Speaker 1: that's how I've always lived my life. I might listen,
Speaker 1: so you're thinking of all scenarios, I think of all
Speaker 1: ten scenarios, and I'm gonna say, Okay, of all tense scenarios,
Speaker 1: four of these I don't like. So I don't feel
Speaker 1: comfortable with you moving forward in that direction because ten
Speaker 1: things can happen, and then you, at that point can say,
Speaker 1: all right, I appreciate your thoughts, but I'm still going
Speaker 1: to move forward doing it. And then I have to
Speaker 1: make a decision and say if I want to stick
Speaker 1: around for that, or you can say I don't like yeah,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. Or you can say I
Speaker 1: don't have a good feeling about you telling me what
Speaker 1: you like and don't like. So I don't want to
Speaker 1: be in this situation. You know what I'm saying. And
Speaker 1: the truth of the matter is it's okay to walk
Speaker 1: away from people. It's okay that some people are seasonal.
Speaker 1: Some people are here just to teach you a lesson.
Speaker 1: It's not a failure, it's your After talking for hours
Speaker 1: and hours on days on days for months, we've realized
Speaker 1: we're not compared to boo. Let's ship this square peg
Speaker 1: into a circle hole happen, and that's okay too. So
Speaker 1: I think you know, if you'll keep having conversations and
Speaker 1: realize that you're not compatible, it's okay to move on.
Speaker 1: That's a fact. Save everybody some time, right, because that's
Speaker 1: something that we're always at a deficit for. If you
Speaker 1: want to be featured as a listener letter, be sure
Speaker 1: to email us at dead Advice at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: And oh my bad, got your part, bro, what happened?
Speaker 1: Because I think the truth? That's D E A D
Speaker 1: A S S A D V I C E at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. Alright, moment of truth time, coming off
Speaker 1: of conversation about parenting and whose way is the right way?
Speaker 1: There's my moment of truth. Baby. It's very simple when
Speaker 1: two people have a baby, coming from two different backgrounds,
Speaker 1: to different families, to different lifestyles, right, two different genders. Right,
Speaker 1: It's gonna be some things that you don't agree on.
Speaker 1: It's gonna take some months for y'all to figure it out.
Speaker 1: It may take y'all some years to figure it out.
Speaker 1: That don't mean that your relationship is a waste. Embrace
Speaker 1: the challenge of wanting to be with someone and raise
Speaker 1: a life together and go into it excited about learning
Speaker 1: more about your spouse or your significant other and and
Speaker 1: being in it together to raise this child. Don't run
Speaker 1: from what people call the hard time. All these relationships
Speaker 1: are hard. It's not hard having constant conversations, it's not hard.
Speaker 1: It's very beautiful. You know, you and I have created
Speaker 1: a whole brand off of having these conversations, like we
Speaker 1: have a whole podcast. You know, we're working on a
Speaker 1: bunch of different things. And I feel like people need
Speaker 1: to understand that these conversations are not taboo, and they're
Speaker 1: not destructive to your relationship point or ending line. There
Speaker 1: is there a finish line or ending point. There is
Speaker 1: no finish line or ending point for these conversations. Because
Speaker 1: then they ask us this at dinner, when does it stop?
Speaker 1: It doesn't. And that's about moting the truth. The conversations
Speaker 1: never stop, you all, they never stop. They always need
Speaker 1: to be have because, particularly when it comes to children,
Speaker 1: there's always a different phase. There's always something new. They're
Speaker 1: continuing to grow for the next eighteen years and sometimes
Speaker 1: past eighteen years of life. And then you also have
Speaker 1: to take into consideration at some point once the children
Speaker 1: become of age, the child's feeling and how they can
Speaker 1: see you guys interacting, you know, and how that can
Speaker 1: affect them as well too. So the conversations never stop.
Speaker 1: The conversations are healthy. The conversations, we hope bring more clarity.
Speaker 1: And I think you should also to keep in mind
Speaker 1: that you love this person and you decided to sit
Speaker 1: down with this person or lay down with this person.
Speaker 1: In most scenarios, um, particularly you know husbands and lives
Speaker 1: or people who are together, that there has to be
Speaker 1: something that you love about the person that you're with,
Speaker 1: how they were raised, how they were brought up. Um,
Speaker 1: you may have a relationship with their family. So knowing
Speaker 1: the particular background that you um your spouse or your
Speaker 1: partner has to may also player roll in it. The
Speaker 1: funny thing is sometimes that may cause you to go
Speaker 1: in a different direction because you like, damn, I don't
Speaker 1: like the way my mother in law father in law
Speaker 1: did that. But at least there's an awareness in the conversation. Yes,
Speaker 1: you'll be like, oh no, what they did with my
Speaker 1: spouse is the brother or sister, But whatever it is,
Speaker 1: I'm not signing up to it. Yes, all right, y'all.
Speaker 1: Be sure to follow us on social media if you're
Speaker 1: not already, So the dead as podcast page. I love
Speaker 1: it because people are starting to engage there and we're
Speaker 1: trying to post more and stuff there, and the team
Speaker 1: we would love that, so continue to put stuff on
Speaker 1: the dead Ass the podcast page. And then of course
Speaker 1: Cadine I am and I am devouting. If you're listening
Speaker 1: on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe
Speaker 1: dead as Dead as dead Ass is a production of
Speaker 1: I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the
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