1 00:00:01,080 --> 00:00:06,400 Speaker 1: After eleven years almost being a father and four children, 2 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:10,400 Speaker 1: my wife still believes I don't know what I'm doing 3 00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:15,480 Speaker 1: when it comes to these kids. Did ask, Oh, we're 4 00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:20,400 Speaker 1: You're just gonna agree with that. I just have to 5 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:28,480 Speaker 1: say that moms just be knowing all the time. It's 6 00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:36,480 Speaker 1: the instinct dead ask. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises. 7 00:00:37,479 --> 00:00:39,479 Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with our 8 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:44,440 Speaker 1: boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, 9 00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:48,199 Speaker 1: I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one 10 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:51,479 Speaker 1: more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We 11 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,600 Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's 12 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:58,160 Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk 13 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:00,760 Speaker 1: about through the lens of a millennium married. Dead adds 14 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:02,920 Speaker 1: is the term that we say every day. So when 15 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:07,640 Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, 16 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:10,319 Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about 17 00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:14,880 Speaker 1: to take pillows off to a whole new level. Dead 18 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:22,560 Speaker 1: ass starts right now. This is how crazy mothers be. Right, 19 00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:28,720 Speaker 1: where are you going with us to? Mothers don't even 20 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:32,800 Speaker 1: believe that the mothers that mothered them, their own mothers 21 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:37,399 Speaker 1: know how to mother their kids as good as them, 22 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:44,640 Speaker 1: even though their mothers raised them. Case in point, Mimi 23 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:47,119 Speaker 1: has helped us take care of all four of our kids. 24 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:54,040 Speaker 1: We now have Dakota. Right, every time Mimi goes to 25 00:01:54,080 --> 00:02:00,920 Speaker 1: hand Dakota off the cadem it's a standoff. Mimi comes 26 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:06,320 Speaker 1: in with the coota well greased, well powdered babe baby, 27 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:09,560 Speaker 1: smelling good, wrapped like a triple deck burrito because he 28 00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:12,760 Speaker 1: got mad blankets on and a heat on eighty five. Right, 29 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,560 Speaker 1: And the minute she walks into the living room, right, 30 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:28,079 Speaker 1: it's like, do do, dude? He stands up, She stares 31 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:32,720 Speaker 1: her mother in the face, wraps the coda, unwraps the 32 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:37,160 Speaker 1: first blanket, throws the bank on the couch. They don't 33 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:44,079 Speaker 1: lose eye contact, do do? Then she unwrapped the second blanket, 34 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:51,120 Speaker 1: throws it on the floor. Do do do? Dude? Takes 35 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:54,000 Speaker 1: the last blanket, throws it over the shoulder, snatches the coda, 36 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:58,440 Speaker 1: and then walks away. And I'm just like why I 37 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:01,160 Speaker 1: gotta be like that? Like why is it a battle 38 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:03,639 Speaker 1: to see who can a battle to see who can 39 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:08,040 Speaker 1: mother the best? Like like why y'all just can't give 40 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:12,400 Speaker 1: each other some like accolades flowers while y'all alive and 41 00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:14,320 Speaker 1: just say, hey, Mom, you're a version of mothering is 42 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:16,639 Speaker 1: just as good as mine. No, it is a battle, 43 00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:20,840 Speaker 1: and I'll just be sitting there like, man, listen, you 44 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:22,640 Speaker 1: know what, Let's get into karaoke and we can come 45 00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:24,480 Speaker 1: back to the story inside. Because if you can unpack 46 00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:28,960 Speaker 1: that whole story time, Okay, let's unpack it, we're gonna 47 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,079 Speaker 1: bring you out to karaoke, right and this karaoke is 48 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:34,840 Speaker 1: brought to you by my wife. He like saying, my way, 49 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:44,440 Speaker 1: my way. What I say goes, I'm in control. Ha 50 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:47,920 Speaker 1: I love karaoke time. That might be one of my 51 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:50,840 Speaker 1: new favorites. But anyway, let's go into a break real quick. 52 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:57,200 Speaker 1: We're gonna get into some ads and we'll be back period. 53 00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:58,760 Speaker 1: Let me that's just what it is. This is a 54 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:00,880 Speaker 1: big battle in our house. That's what it is for 55 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:05,560 Speaker 1: kids because there's always constantly evolving things. So back to 56 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:08,840 Speaker 1: story time, you know, let me unpack the burrito that 57 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:12,480 Speaker 1: is Dakota. Okay, and my mom, So you know, my 58 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,800 Speaker 1: mom claims that she says, anytime I asked her about it, 59 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:16,400 Speaker 1: I'm from the old school. This is how we used 60 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,080 Speaker 1: to do things back in the day, clearly back in 61 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:21,360 Speaker 1: the day as and when she was raising me. And 62 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:26,840 Speaker 1: that's been a couple of decades ago. Well right, almost 63 00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:35,479 Speaker 1: four for scort no for anyway, I would be fabulous 64 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:38,760 Speaker 1: as I push that number. But um, you know so 65 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:41,279 Speaker 1: clearly she she feels like what she does is the 66 00:04:41,279 --> 00:04:44,400 Speaker 1: the right way and the only way were right, and 67 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:46,720 Speaker 1: I didn't make it here safe and sound. I'm all right, 68 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:50,400 Speaker 1: you know, skin is nice and hydrated because I've been greased. 69 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:56,920 Speaker 1: You always smell good efficiently over the years. Um. But 70 00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,800 Speaker 1: it's the thing with Dakota and the blanket. So she'll 71 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,839 Speaker 1: have the house first of all, like you said on 72 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:04,360 Speaker 1: like Jamaica, that's what the thermostat says. And then after 73 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:07,400 Speaker 1: she brings me to brings him to me. Clearly the 74 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:10,440 Speaker 1: baby starting to sweat profusely and may die of heat 75 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:15,840 Speaker 1: stroke because he's wrapped in about four blankets here for blankets. 76 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:19,120 Speaker 1: But sometimes i'd be a little off, you never know, um, 77 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:21,000 Speaker 1: but he has on four blankets. And then under the 78 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:26,120 Speaker 1: four blankets there's the fleece onesie that he's also in 79 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:31,360 Speaker 1: addition to one that's inside socks. Also, I get it. 80 00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:34,839 Speaker 1: It's cold and flu season. But to go back to 81 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:39,280 Speaker 1: your initial point, every mom feels like the way they 82 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:43,400 Speaker 1: do things is the right and the only way. And 83 00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:45,320 Speaker 1: it may have a lot to do with the fact 84 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:49,240 Speaker 1: that these babies have been in our bodies for nine 85 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:52,240 Speaker 1: plus months, sometimes less, and then there may be in 86 00:05:52,279 --> 00:05:55,360 Speaker 1: the nickeeue and having to be tended to for you know, 87 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:58,560 Speaker 1: months or weeks, and we just feel like we know 88 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:01,200 Speaker 1: what's best. There's a thing that happens when you have 89 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:04,760 Speaker 1: a baby in it. The baby goes from your inner 90 00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:08,400 Speaker 1: boom to the outer world that you feel like, now 91 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:15,360 Speaker 1: I can no longer protect this child. We know what happens. No, 92 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,800 Speaker 1: we know birth happens, but the thing is that we 93 00:06:17,839 --> 00:06:21,800 Speaker 1: feel like now we can't protect this child dent the 94 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:24,840 Speaker 1: way we did before when they were in utero. So 95 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:28,320 Speaker 1: that being said, every mom, I'm sure has their process. 96 00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:31,600 Speaker 1: Some people rely on that maternal instinct to kick in, 97 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:35,359 Speaker 1: which I think is definitely a real thing. Um, But 98 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:40,160 Speaker 1: does the paternal instinct kicking for you? Yes? And there 99 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,359 Speaker 1: are some interesting studies. I'm going to read some of 100 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:46,279 Speaker 1: them because Truple found them for me. Listen, he purposely 101 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:48,880 Speaker 1: made your triple found something to support his argument today. No, 102 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,000 Speaker 1: I didn't. I didn't. I didn't say triuble, find something 103 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:52,680 Speaker 1: to support this. I just said, I just need some 104 00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:58,640 Speaker 1: stats about divorce and kids. Sounded like Cairo facts and 105 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:02,400 Speaker 1: stats shout out to my boys, Cairo. A staggering six 106 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:05,640 Speaker 1: of couples in the study reported the decline in relationship 107 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:09,440 Speaker 1: satisfaction after the arrival of the first baby. The decline 108 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:12,679 Speaker 1: typically shows up between six months for women and nine 109 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:15,520 Speaker 1: months for men after the baby comes home. The divorce 110 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,720 Speaker 1: rate for couples with children is as much as lower 111 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:22,160 Speaker 1: than those without children, mainly because most people will stay 112 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:27,320 Speaker 1: together together. Seventy half of all children in the United 113 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:31,760 Speaker 1: States will witness the ending of a parent's marriage. According 114 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,280 Speaker 1: to various studies, the three most common causes of divorce 115 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:38,320 Speaker 1: are conflict arguing irretrievable breakdown in the relationship, lack of 116 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:41,679 Speaker 1: commitment and fidelity, and lack of physical intimacy. The least 117 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:45,880 Speaker 1: common reasons are lack of shared interests and incompatibility between partners. 118 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:49,560 Speaker 1: This is the reason why I brought those stats up. 119 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:54,440 Speaker 1: We just had dinner with friends of ours. Couple married, 120 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:58,400 Speaker 1: just had their second child, and they were speaking to 121 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:02,760 Speaker 1: us about the issue shoes they have in their marriage. 122 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,600 Speaker 1: Of the issues that they have in their marriage are 123 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:10,120 Speaker 1: around the children, how they raise and care for their 124 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:13,760 Speaker 1: children individually. I have another friend who just had a baby, 125 00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:18,080 Speaker 1: same exact conversation he's having with me, from husband to husband, right, 126 00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:21,600 Speaker 1: And like I said, I'm not an expert expert, but 127 00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:24,680 Speaker 1: this is what I've deduced. Right. I've asked both men 128 00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:29,280 Speaker 1: and both wives what seems to be the issue. It 129 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:34,240 Speaker 1: all stems back to the wives feeling, like you said, 130 00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:38,120 Speaker 1: the baby was inside of me. I am the baby's mom. 131 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:43,120 Speaker 1: I had to be in control and to cover this 132 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:46,920 Speaker 1: baby from everything for ten months. Now the baby's outside 133 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,440 Speaker 1: of me. I cannot just turn this baby over to 134 00:08:49,679 --> 00:08:54,319 Speaker 1: you or anybody and say here, I trust you. It's 135 00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:58,319 Speaker 1: just difficult. I agree with that, and it's damn near 136 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:01,800 Speaker 1: impossible because anything that comes out of my body, I 137 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:08,600 Speaker 1: don't trust it with nobody anything like what. I understand 138 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:12,400 Speaker 1: that that stance, no, I can understand, and I agree 139 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,480 Speaker 1: with you, and I'm glad you acknowledge that, because but 140 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,760 Speaker 1: there's a butt. It takes two people to make a baby, 141 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:24,560 Speaker 1: and fathers have to be allowed two parents. Right. I'll 142 00:09:24,559 --> 00:09:26,840 Speaker 1: give you another example that I've noticed when I was 143 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:31,600 Speaker 1: in Brooklyn mentoring for ten years, of the kids, three 144 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:34,680 Speaker 1: out of the four didn't have father figures in their lives. 145 00:09:35,559 --> 00:09:38,840 Speaker 1: And a lot of the moms that I dealt with well, 146 00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:40,360 Speaker 1: and I only say dealt with because they were like 147 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:44,200 Speaker 1: these were like our family. I don't even family clients, 148 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:46,880 Speaker 1: because they were more than clients, you know, these are 149 00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:51,400 Speaker 1: this is our community, our village. People over four hundred athletes, 150 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:54,280 Speaker 1: three you would say three hundred of them didn't have 151 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:57,800 Speaker 1: fathers in their lives. The vast majority of these women 152 00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:01,600 Speaker 1: were really really strong, great women. But I did notice 153 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:04,280 Speaker 1: a pattern with them when it came to their children, 154 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:08,040 Speaker 1: very different to when when they were boys and girls. 155 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,840 Speaker 1: But when it came to their children, they had a 156 00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:15,200 Speaker 1: fear of relinquishing power to the people that they claimed 157 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:20,120 Speaker 1: they trusted. With their children, they questioned everything, they challenged everything, 158 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:22,600 Speaker 1: but then said, I trust you to do this, and 159 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:25,720 Speaker 1: at the same time, wasn't allowing these people to do 160 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,880 Speaker 1: their job and then complaining to these people when they 161 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:31,760 Speaker 1: couldn't get the job done and didn't realize how much 162 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:35,120 Speaker 1: of a detriment they were to that relationship. I've seen 163 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:37,160 Speaker 1: them do this with coaches. I've seen them to do 164 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:41,720 Speaker 1: this with teachers, principles, mentors, And I said to myself, 165 00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:45,080 Speaker 1: I can't imagine how difficult it had to have been 166 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:49,640 Speaker 1: to be this child's father trying to be in this 167 00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:52,079 Speaker 1: child's life, because remember I told you a bunch of 168 00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:55,720 Speaker 1: stories of men who were trying to be present and 169 00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:59,120 Speaker 1: were constantly pushed aside you know what I'm saying, and 170 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,640 Speaker 1: being told I got is, I don't need you, but 171 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:05,040 Speaker 1: then being told why aren't you fathering? Well? I wonder 172 00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:07,200 Speaker 1: what it is. Is it a control thing? Is it 173 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:10,079 Speaker 1: a thing where the moms are thinking, let me vet 174 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:13,880 Speaker 1: these people around my children to see that they are 175 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:17,319 Speaker 1: indeed going to be, you know, um, fulfilling something for 176 00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:20,120 Speaker 1: my children, versus being a detriment to them, Like does 177 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:22,440 Speaker 1: it ultimately just bid onto control? Because I feel like 178 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,960 Speaker 1: that was some of the issues that some of our 179 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,080 Speaker 1: friends have expressed, that it was a matter of just 180 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:31,120 Speaker 1: wanting to have control over the situation and versus genuinely 181 00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:34,959 Speaker 1: feeling like the father or the mother depending well, is 182 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:38,480 Speaker 1: equipped enough to handle their responsibilities. This is why I 183 00:11:38,559 --> 00:11:40,760 Speaker 1: really want to talk about this topic, because I think 184 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,920 Speaker 1: it's it's a two person responsibility. Right, the moms have 185 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:45,600 Speaker 1: to realize that you're going to have to learn to 186 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:48,480 Speaker 1: relinquish some control to people that you trust, right. But 187 00:11:48,559 --> 00:11:50,880 Speaker 1: then dad's are going to have to learn that you 188 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:55,160 Speaker 1: can't just walk away because this woman has not relinquished 189 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:58,600 Speaker 1: that control to you immediately or in real time or 190 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:02,600 Speaker 1: when you want it relinquished. Because I didn't get involved 191 00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:06,000 Speaker 1: with people's relationships, that was not my concern. But when 192 00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:08,640 Speaker 1: I spoke to parents who were co parenting, I didn't 193 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:12,440 Speaker 1: notice that pattern. Right. The moms wanted the dads to 194 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:15,440 Speaker 1: parent them the way they wanted them to be parented, 195 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,880 Speaker 1: and the dads were like, if you're not gonna let 196 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:20,040 Speaker 1: me parent the way I want a parent, I don't 197 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:23,320 Speaker 1: need to be involved. You have it all. And that's 198 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:26,080 Speaker 1: when I started. I was like, this needs to be discussed. 199 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:27,760 Speaker 1: At that point, it's like the father wants to just 200 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:29,120 Speaker 1: wash his hands and be like, all right, well, if 201 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:32,199 Speaker 1: you have it under control, then we Sometimes it was 202 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:34,400 Speaker 1: the father's washing their hands, and sometimes it was the 203 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:39,800 Speaker 1: mom's creating distance on purpose as a way to keep control. 204 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,920 Speaker 1: Because as the kids get older than the kids to say, well, 205 00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:45,160 Speaker 1: I want to do this with my dad and then 206 00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,320 Speaker 1: I watched sometimes the moms would find a way to 207 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:49,920 Speaker 1: create a wedge, so that because and it was a 208 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:52,920 Speaker 1: fear thing, It wasn't like just a malicious I'm gonna 209 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:55,360 Speaker 1: make this guy suffer and make mind. It was really 210 00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:57,600 Speaker 1: a feel like I have to do something because I 211 00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:01,280 Speaker 1: don't believe that he is capable of caring for my 212 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:04,720 Speaker 1: son or daughter as good as I can, So let 213 00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:06,040 Speaker 1: me create a wedge. And I used to tell the 214 00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:07,959 Speaker 1: moms like, do you realize that you'll create Like, do 215 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:13,840 Speaker 1: you realize like I've I've watched moms at times tell parents, 216 00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:17,160 Speaker 1: tell dad's the wrong time to come to sessions. M hmm, 217 00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:20,679 Speaker 1: on purpose, And then when they get there, the dad 218 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:22,400 Speaker 1: would be like, yo, you told me this time, and 219 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:25,680 Speaker 1: then she would create a riff. And then I would 220 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:27,520 Speaker 1: be like this, I'm like, this is a pattern I'm 221 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,960 Speaker 1: watching you do you cannot do this? And then and 222 00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:32,680 Speaker 1: until try to hold him responsible for not being there. 223 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:36,120 Speaker 1: So now my question or my thought at this point 224 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:38,880 Speaker 1: is is it a control thing or is there just 225 00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:42,480 Speaker 1: like some sort of deep rooted vindictive nature that this 226 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:45,560 Speaker 1: woman has because of maybe her relationship with the father. 227 00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:47,440 Speaker 1: So does it have anything to do with the children 228 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:49,600 Speaker 1: at this point or is it something that you know 229 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:54,320 Speaker 1: is stemming from absolutely right, the fear and this is 230 00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:57,360 Speaker 1: that's a great question. The fear of turning over your 231 00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:01,520 Speaker 1: kids to someone like this was created because of the 232 00:14:01,559 --> 00:14:05,440 Speaker 1: way that man handled them. You know what I'm saying, 233 00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:09,079 Speaker 1: You mishandled me. So why can I trust you? I 234 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:12,040 Speaker 1: can understand. And this is the whole point. Is like 235 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:16,280 Speaker 1: when you sit back and dissect the the the entire 236 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:20,280 Speaker 1: scope of the family unit from the outside, not being 237 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:23,040 Speaker 1: you know, being extremely objective, because I was trying to 238 00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:24,800 Speaker 1: be objective as a mentor and as a as a 239 00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:28,720 Speaker 1: train and because I'm trying to they're not even dealing 240 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,760 Speaker 1: with each other, and I'm trying to find what's in 241 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,880 Speaker 1: the best interests of the child. Right. I started to 242 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:36,360 Speaker 1: notice a pattern and it was just like, Okay, you 243 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:39,680 Speaker 1: don't trust him. You don't trust him not because of 244 00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:41,440 Speaker 1: how he parents, you don't trust him because of how 245 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:44,400 Speaker 1: he was as boyfriend. So since you don't trust him 246 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:45,920 Speaker 1: because of how he was as a boyfriend, you don't 247 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:47,960 Speaker 1: trust him as a father, And since you don't trust 248 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:49,920 Speaker 1: him as a father, and you notice, and I've noticed 249 00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:53,400 Speaker 1: this especially with the boys as the boys got older, 250 00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:57,720 Speaker 1: they got closer to their fathers. The women created a wedge, 251 00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:01,480 Speaker 1: and I had a mom for reasons. You know, I 252 00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:03,600 Speaker 1: can't because these are people who have confided in us, 253 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:06,320 Speaker 1: have said to me, I did that on purpose because 254 00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:08,840 Speaker 1: I trust I know for a fact he's going to 255 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:11,760 Speaker 1: break my son's heart and I don't want to watch 256 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:15,160 Speaker 1: him do that because because inconsistency or his pattern stuff 257 00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:16,440 Speaker 1: in the past. And I'm saying, what do you you 258 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:19,960 Speaker 1: do realize that you're breaking your son's heart, right, And 259 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:22,400 Speaker 1: they couldn't even get wrapped their mind around the fact 260 00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,720 Speaker 1: that they were doing that because they were saying, like, 261 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:26,640 Speaker 1: I'm doing what's in the best injuries of my son. 262 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:30,720 Speaker 1: He'll thank me later. And it all goes back to 263 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:34,880 Speaker 1: those infant stages of the baby is inside and I'm 264 00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:36,760 Speaker 1: the best one that can take care of it, so 265 00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:40,280 Speaker 1: I create a wedge between everyone and my child so 266 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:43,040 Speaker 1: that I'm the sole person. Well, and mom is also too, 267 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:46,000 Speaker 1: kind of like that buffer. You know, we just recently 268 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:49,280 Speaker 1: learned from someone that we know that they didn't have 269 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,920 Speaker 1: a relationship with their father for their entire life because 270 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:55,960 Speaker 1: their mom was the person that pretty much just kept 271 00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:58,280 Speaker 1: him away or just pretty much led him to believe 272 00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:01,080 Speaker 1: that his father wasn't all that just didn't want to 273 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:04,680 Speaker 1: be and that wasn't the truth. But again, she felt like, 274 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:08,880 Speaker 1: you'll thank me later because he would probably have been 275 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:12,240 Speaker 1: inconsistent in and out the Sun's life, always breaking his heart. 276 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:14,680 Speaker 1: So she felt like, you know what to prevent that 277 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:17,320 Speaker 1: from happening. But it's crazy because they're now as an adult. 278 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:21,360 Speaker 1: There's so much to unpack from that, you know where 279 00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:25,360 Speaker 1: I tend to kind of I have now realized that 280 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,200 Speaker 1: I need to just kind of be open to it. 281 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:30,120 Speaker 1: And of course this happened earlier for us because of Jackson. 282 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,920 Speaker 1: He's getting older with every phase of life that our 283 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:35,840 Speaker 1: boys encounter, so we have all these different phases between 284 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:39,440 Speaker 1: Jackson and Dakota. I've also realized that I've never been 285 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:43,800 Speaker 1: a boy, I've never been a man. I've never been 286 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:48,920 Speaker 1: a black man. I don't know what it's like to 287 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:52,760 Speaker 1: exist in that space in this world. So I feel 288 00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:56,720 Speaker 1: like I made the best choice possible in choosing a 289 00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:59,720 Speaker 1: spouse and choosing a mate, and choosing a partner who 290 00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:02,920 Speaker 1: would in turn be the father to my children. That 291 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:06,600 Speaker 1: I can say, you know what, wholeheartedly I'm okay with 292 00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:09,800 Speaker 1: allowing devow to father, but it took some time for 293 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:12,560 Speaker 1: me to get there. You know, when Jackson was a baby, 294 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:15,280 Speaker 1: and he was younger, and little things that I wanted 295 00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:17,760 Speaker 1: to just kind of, you know, keep him from falling 296 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:19,480 Speaker 1: off the bed. For example. You remember the first time 297 00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:21,600 Speaker 1: he fell off the bed and I blew a freaking 298 00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:24,000 Speaker 1: gasket and I was like, how did you allow this 299 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:27,639 Speaker 1: to happen? Now we know, and every baby that falls 300 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,600 Speaker 1: off the bed's just another thing that happens, and it's 301 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:33,000 Speaker 1: just like whatever it happens, um. But I had to 302 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:38,000 Speaker 1: slowly learn to say devouts okay with this baby. I 303 00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:41,480 Speaker 1: had to go back to work, remember, full time after 304 00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:43,960 Speaker 1: Jackson um and for the first I want to say, 305 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:46,000 Speaker 1: a year and a half of his life, with the 306 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,320 Speaker 1: exception of the four months that I had maternity leave. 307 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:52,199 Speaker 1: You were so caretaker of Jackson, and it was me 308 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:54,640 Speaker 1: leaving in the morning and making sure there were posts 309 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:57,320 Speaker 1: everywhere and everything was set up and all that. And 310 00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,080 Speaker 1: I had a whole system going, and you pretty to 311 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:03,119 Speaker 1: be like to hell, which is them. I did ship 312 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:06,320 Speaker 1: the way that I wanted to, and thankfully Jackson made 313 00:18:06,359 --> 00:18:08,800 Speaker 1: it out to see another day. He's still here with 314 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:14,080 Speaker 1: us and thriving and doing well. But um, I had 315 00:18:14,119 --> 00:18:18,720 Speaker 1: to know that and trust that with you they would 316 00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:21,080 Speaker 1: be okay, and that they needed their father. And as 317 00:18:21,119 --> 00:18:23,840 Speaker 1: they continued to grow and to encounter different things in 318 00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:27,480 Speaker 1: life in different phases, that Mom may not be able 319 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:32,400 Speaker 1: to speak on certain things because I've never experienced it. Um. 320 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,960 Speaker 1: So what I struggle with sometimes is towing the line 321 00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,720 Speaker 1: between trying to make sure that I'm involved and that 322 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:40,399 Speaker 1: I'm mom who's raising these boys to be self sufficient, 323 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:43,239 Speaker 1: to be respectful and all that, but also to not 324 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:47,399 Speaker 1: coddling them too much or you know, allowing them to 325 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:49,919 Speaker 1: express themselves without feeling like I have to be the 326 00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,480 Speaker 1: one to run to their rescue all the time, you know. 327 00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:55,040 Speaker 1: And that's what happened with the bed um. Kadeina and 328 00:18:55,119 --> 00:18:58,399 Speaker 1: I is a funny quick story. Kadena and I had Jackson. 329 00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:00,359 Speaker 1: He was about one and a half and he was 330 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,399 Speaker 1: crawling all around the bed and I told Jackson a 331 00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:04,960 Speaker 1: number of times, stop crawling by the edge of the bed. 332 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:07,080 Speaker 1: Stop crawling by the edge of the bed. Right so 333 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:09,440 Speaker 1: I had told me and I said, yo, let him 334 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:12,159 Speaker 1: fall off the bed. He'll be fine. Because it was 335 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,399 Speaker 1: a low bed in the low box spring in my 336 00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:17,000 Speaker 1: sister Tori's room. She had a real plush carpet. I 337 00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:19,200 Speaker 1: was like, Yo, he falls off the bed, that's gonna 338 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:21,680 Speaker 1: be the shock. He needs to be more careful. If 339 00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:24,480 Speaker 1: you constantly try to save him. There's gonna come a 340 00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:26,400 Speaker 1: time where he's gonna do something that is a little 341 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,479 Speaker 1: bit more extreme that you can't save him. He may 342 00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:31,040 Speaker 1: fall down the stairs, he may fall off a cliff, 343 00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:32,760 Speaker 1: for example. But if he falls off this bed onto 344 00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:35,080 Speaker 1: the flush carpet and realize that he can lose his balance, 345 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:37,159 Speaker 1: it's a life lesson for him. So I let him 346 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:38,879 Speaker 1: fall off the bed. She cursed me how she was 347 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:42,119 Speaker 1: all his but that was my method, right. I also 348 00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:47,760 Speaker 1: learned through you that, um, there's reasons why moms don't 349 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:52,119 Speaker 1: trust that. Right, that's not the reason why that was 350 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:58,120 Speaker 1: a life lesson, but a half. Hey, you gotta start early. Um. 351 00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:01,600 Speaker 1: Codeine pointed out certain things to me. Um, she was like, 352 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:03,800 Speaker 1: I remember when I was watching Jackson stuff. I just 353 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,160 Speaker 1: She used to call me all the time like did 354 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:07,639 Speaker 1: you feed Jackson? Did you feed Jackson? I used to 355 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,959 Speaker 1: get piste, like super defensive, like I fed him, Like 356 00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:11,479 Speaker 1: I know what I gotta do this my son. I'm 357 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:13,600 Speaker 1: not gonna let him not eat, right, But then I 358 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:15,800 Speaker 1: realized the reason why she used to call and ask 359 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:18,840 Speaker 1: me that was because if she doesn't call and ask me, 360 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:23,400 Speaker 1: if I ate, I won't eat. So imagine you being 361 00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:25,840 Speaker 1: a woman and you know that you you helped take 362 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:29,719 Speaker 1: care of this man, but now the one that you 363 00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:31,720 Speaker 1: have to take care of your trusting this person to 364 00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:34,639 Speaker 1: take care of your baby, it can give you anxiety. 365 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,760 Speaker 1: And I never thought about that. I really didn't think 366 00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:39,680 Speaker 1: about that. I just knew that the same way you 367 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:42,879 Speaker 1: said there's a maternal instinct. There's a paternal instinct, right, 368 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:45,960 Speaker 1: I'll feed my kids and not eat. You know what 369 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,640 Speaker 1: I'm saying, Like, I couldn't trust that at the time 370 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:51,280 Speaker 1: that I was like, and I do, and I get that. 371 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:53,680 Speaker 1: But there's a lot of couples who don't even get 372 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:56,439 Speaker 1: to that point of realization because they don't even do 373 00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:59,399 Speaker 1: any accountability. So what they do is they start to 374 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:01,280 Speaker 1: just blame their partner. You don't trust me, you don't 375 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:03,040 Speaker 1: trust me, you trust my way and trust my way, 376 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:05,680 Speaker 1: and then it's the constantly back, constant back and forth 377 00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:07,439 Speaker 1: till it gets the point where it's just like, yo, 378 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:09,240 Speaker 1: I don't want to be arguing a big room with 379 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:12,840 Speaker 1: you the more and they decided to split up. Once 380 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:15,520 Speaker 1: you split up, there's I've noticed this with a lot 381 00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:21,000 Speaker 1: of the especially in Brooklyn. Kids and parents have separation anxiety. 382 00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:25,520 Speaker 1: But also, um, what's the name of the when people 383 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:29,600 Speaker 1: leave them all the time? Oh? Um? When you mean 384 00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:31,880 Speaker 1: when kids always have somebody leaving that? Yeah, what's what's 385 00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:33,600 Speaker 1: it called? What do they develop? When kids? When? When 386 00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:37,760 Speaker 1: kids attachment issues? So they have attachment issues? Right? Imagine 387 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:41,680 Speaker 1: you're a woman and you're in a relationship and you've 388 00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:43,800 Speaker 1: you've been with this guy and every time things go awry, 389 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:48,760 Speaker 1: the guy flees. And this has been your relationship for years, 390 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:51,800 Speaker 1: you happen to get pregnant, and now every time you 391 00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:55,440 Speaker 1: argue about the kid, he flees. What would make this 392 00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:58,840 Speaker 1: woman trust at that man with their kids? You understand 393 00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:00,760 Speaker 1: what I'm saying, And then to me, this is where 394 00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:04,960 Speaker 1: the accountability has to be for both people. Right, You 395 00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:07,400 Speaker 1: as a man have to understand that it is not 396 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:11,560 Speaker 1: okay for you to leave during this early infant stages. 397 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:14,320 Speaker 1: And as a woman, you have to be accountable to 398 00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:17,080 Speaker 1: understand that you trusted this person enough to lay down 399 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:20,360 Speaker 1: with them and and have a baby. You have to 400 00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:23,639 Speaker 1: relinquish some of that control to allow that person to 401 00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:25,760 Speaker 1: be a father. And then what happens to those people 402 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:28,280 Speaker 1: who didn't necessarily trust this person you laid down with. 403 00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:31,520 Speaker 1: It just might have been a smash. And then what 404 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:33,919 Speaker 1: happens You have a baby, and then you have a 405 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:36,320 Speaker 1: baby with somebody you don't even know, And and here 406 00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:38,840 Speaker 1: that's a whole another layer of things to unpack. And 407 00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:41,960 Speaker 1: I've had the mentor and train people who've dealt with that. 408 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,000 Speaker 1: And you know what I've noticed, I've I met one 409 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:47,040 Speaker 1: of the greatest couples. There was a one night stand, 410 00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:50,400 Speaker 1: they had a baby. They were friends for a long time, 411 00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:52,479 Speaker 1: but they were never trying to be like that with 412 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:56,320 Speaker 1: each other. But they became intimate one night she got pregnant. 413 00:22:56,880 --> 00:23:01,760 Speaker 1: They made a concerted effort to co parents, give each 414 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:04,919 Speaker 1: other space and time, but it was about communication and 415 00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:08,280 Speaker 1: about the child. It was never a bickering and whatever 416 00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:11,160 Speaker 1: was in the best interests of the child was done. 417 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,920 Speaker 1: And this young man I met them when he was 418 00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:18,320 Speaker 1: sixteen years old, academically like off the charts, struggled athletically, 419 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:20,960 Speaker 1: um he had he had some issues with toughness because 420 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:22,480 Speaker 1: he lived with his mom, so they ended up putting 421 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:24,880 Speaker 1: him in prototype because his dad wanted him to play football. 422 00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:27,639 Speaker 1: So since his dad wanted him to play football, she 423 00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:29,600 Speaker 1: was just like, I'm going to get up some training 424 00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:31,640 Speaker 1: because he was thin. And his father was like, he'll 425 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:33,960 Speaker 1: learned playing football and stuff like that. So the mom 426 00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:37,720 Speaker 1: chose to bring him to us. The dad was just like, 427 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:41,200 Speaker 1: I don't need nobody else to help raise my son. 428 00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:43,560 Speaker 1: But the mom was like, listen, I think this is 429 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:45,640 Speaker 1: in his best interests. So the father was like, all right, 430 00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:49,000 Speaker 1: well compromise. If you're gonna let him play football, I'll 431 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,320 Speaker 1: let him do this. But that was just a perfect 432 00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:54,280 Speaker 1: example of two people who had different styles, different ideas, 433 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:57,359 Speaker 1: but they spoke on it. And just like we told 434 00:23:57,359 --> 00:24:00,200 Speaker 1: our friends, the way you get through these situations is 435 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:04,760 Speaker 1: by constantly having conversations about what you need and what 436 00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:07,800 Speaker 1: you want out of this relationship with this child. You 437 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:10,600 Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, So me as a father saying, babe, 438 00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:15,800 Speaker 1: I need you to not call me every hour when 439 00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:18,720 Speaker 1: you're at work when I have my son, I need 440 00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:21,400 Speaker 1: you to not do that because I got this. Yes, 441 00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:25,160 Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, and and for you to say, well, 442 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:29,399 Speaker 1: I need you to assure me that my child ate it. 443 00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:32,040 Speaker 1: Let me see the empty as bowl, let me see 444 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:36,040 Speaker 1: the empty as bottle, because stranger things have happened with you. Yes, 445 00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:38,679 Speaker 1: I'm not gonna live. I've gone a whole day and 446 00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:40,760 Speaker 1: the night been like yo, I didn't eat well. I 447 00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:43,440 Speaker 1: unders I understood, you know what I'm saying. But um, 448 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:46,560 Speaker 1: I think people have to constantly have conversations and understand 449 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:50,800 Speaker 1: that having a conversation is in always an argument doesn't 450 00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:53,720 Speaker 1: have to be a battle, And having those constant conversations 451 00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:55,840 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that your marriage is in the rut right, 452 00:24:56,119 --> 00:24:58,760 Speaker 1: It just provides so much clarity. And then the context 453 00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:02,920 Speaker 1: I think comes from thinking about how each person was raised. 454 00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:08,199 Speaker 1: Think about how much your background and your childhood and 455 00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:12,240 Speaker 1: your parents parenting styles and the environment that you grew 456 00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:17,480 Speaker 1: up in that all impacts how you parents. So imagine 457 00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:20,880 Speaker 1: having two people with completely different ways they were raised, 458 00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:26,360 Speaker 1: completely different backgrounds, completely different parenting styles, adversity that they've 459 00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:29,880 Speaker 1: had to encounter, and how that then impacts how they 460 00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:33,040 Speaker 1: raise their children. Then you're like voting on so many 461 00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:36,720 Speaker 1: other you know things. So I'm glad you brought up 462 00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:41,000 Speaker 1: someone interrupt quick ask you this question answer. Can you 463 00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:45,000 Speaker 1: give women or moms three things that they can do 464 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:51,639 Speaker 1: to help easy anxiety or relinquish the control and say, 465 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:53,760 Speaker 1: I'm gonna let my partner take care of these three 466 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,480 Speaker 1: things that you've done or noticed. And it doesn't have 467 00:25:56,560 --> 00:25:59,879 Speaker 1: to be your husband or your your baby far just 468 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:02,639 Speaker 1: to be other. This is someone that I have to 469 00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:05,679 Speaker 1: trust in this moment because some women don't have someone right, 470 00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:08,520 Speaker 1: some women only have a nanny, or only have a sister, 471 00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:11,120 Speaker 1: only have an aunt. What's three things you can tell 472 00:26:11,119 --> 00:26:14,520 Speaker 1: these women they can do to relinquish that control and trust? 473 00:26:14,560 --> 00:26:16,560 Speaker 1: People got you? Well, I think the first thing is 474 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:19,399 Speaker 1: something that you said, which we've been saying. Only have 475 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:21,760 Speaker 1: your children stay with or in the presence of people 476 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:25,879 Speaker 1: who you wholeheartedly trust. Like there's just certain people that, Hey, 477 00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:28,000 Speaker 1: this might be my friend, that's my my home girl, 478 00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:29,800 Speaker 1: we go to the club, we hang out, we shot, 479 00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:32,119 Speaker 1: but she would not be equipped to watch my children, 480 00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,320 Speaker 1: like meet people where they are and know what they're 481 00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:37,720 Speaker 1: capable of, you know. So that's the case. Know who 482 00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:39,800 Speaker 1: it is that you're leaving your children with. So that's 483 00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:43,199 Speaker 1: number one, UM Number two, if there are things that 484 00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:45,639 Speaker 1: you're very specific about when it comes to your children. 485 00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,960 Speaker 1: For example, my child can only eat at this certain 486 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:52,920 Speaker 1: amount of time, for this a certain amount um, this 487 00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:56,760 Speaker 1: time of day. Be specific with your rollout, so you 488 00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:58,639 Speaker 1: may feel like you're being erotic like I used to 489 00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:01,240 Speaker 1: do the post it, so you may feel keep being crazy. 490 00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:04,119 Speaker 1: But if there's a step by step process for people 491 00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:06,879 Speaker 1: to follow when you leave your children with them, I 492 00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:09,800 Speaker 1: think that a eliminates any doubt for the person who's 493 00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:12,360 Speaker 1: now the caretaker, and then it gives you the reassurance 494 00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:16,280 Speaker 1: that you've left everything step by step, like a blueprint 495 00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:20,200 Speaker 1: exactly for someone to follow. Um. And then a number 496 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:23,760 Speaker 1: two and then number three. Can you give one specifically 497 00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:26,919 Speaker 1: for women who like struggling with their their spouse, like, 498 00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:29,240 Speaker 1: because that's what we're getting a lot of these arguments 499 00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:31,560 Speaker 1: of people who we had a baby together, now she changed, 500 00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:34,240 Speaker 1: she had different. Give something and I want to speak 501 00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:35,840 Speaker 1: to the women, but I want the men to hear 502 00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:38,679 Speaker 1: it and say this is what we can work on. Right. 503 00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:43,680 Speaker 1: The third one I would say is that you need 504 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:49,399 Speaker 1: to not not downplay or bash the father and his 505 00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:53,119 Speaker 1: style of doing things, but rather try to have a 506 00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:57,199 Speaker 1: conversation to understand his mindset of why he did something 507 00:27:57,200 --> 00:28:01,360 Speaker 1: with the child together. For example, maybe the at you're 508 00:28:01,359 --> 00:28:04,280 Speaker 1: playing rough house with the boys, right, and you're teaching 509 00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:06,520 Speaker 1: them how to to fight each other, which is what 510 00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:08,000 Speaker 1: you do in the house with the boys. You have 511 00:28:08,119 --> 00:28:10,320 Speaker 1: Kiro and Cats finding each other, Jackson and Cairo. You 512 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:13,040 Speaker 1: have Jackson sometimes purposely pick on Cats or Cairo just 513 00:28:13,119 --> 00:28:15,520 Speaker 1: because you want to get that toughness built up in them, right, 514 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:17,720 Speaker 1: because you're sending your kids out into the world and 515 00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:20,480 Speaker 1: who knows what's going to happen with them. So having 516 00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:22,920 Speaker 1: the conversation to say, all right, I need to understand 517 00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:26,240 Speaker 1: your mindset behind why you do this, that has helped 518 00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:28,840 Speaker 1: me a lot because that made me think, Okay, Devil 519 00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:31,160 Speaker 1: has been a boy, he's been a school aged boy, 520 00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:33,640 Speaker 1: He's had to deal with bullying, He's had to deal 521 00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:35,440 Speaker 1: with all these different things that I may not have 522 00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:39,080 Speaker 1: had to deal with. So he can foresee a potential 523 00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:41,640 Speaker 1: of something happening down the line or in the future 524 00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:44,560 Speaker 1: with my sons that I may not be able to 525 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:47,920 Speaker 1: talk them through guide them through because I just have 526 00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:51,080 Speaker 1: not walked that walk. So I think women should be 527 00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:53,760 Speaker 1: having the conversations with their husband or with their spouse 528 00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:56,720 Speaker 1: for their child's father to say, hey, I'm seeing that 529 00:28:56,760 --> 00:28:59,400 Speaker 1: you've been doing it this way. I don't necessarily agree 530 00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:01,840 Speaker 1: with it. I don't necessarily think it's right, but I 531 00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:05,240 Speaker 1: want to really understand why you're doing this or how 532 00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:08,200 Speaker 1: you arrive at this method of doing it, because it 533 00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:11,520 Speaker 1: just doesn't make sense to me. And sometimes if clarity happens, 534 00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:14,520 Speaker 1: then you have a little bit more or you'll be 535 00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:18,040 Speaker 1: more willing to relinquish that control a bit if she's 536 00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:20,120 Speaker 1: willing to be understanding, because a lot of times people 537 00:29:20,120 --> 00:29:23,440 Speaker 1: to ask questions only with the intent to argue, or 538 00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:26,120 Speaker 1: of course to argue. I don't want to compromise either. 539 00:29:26,480 --> 00:29:29,040 Speaker 1: You have to be open to compromising and you have 540 00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:31,280 Speaker 1: to be you know, and also too, if that's the case, 541 00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:32,760 Speaker 1: sold to your children on the side, put them to 542 00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:33,920 Speaker 1: the sign and be like yo, when you use with 543 00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:40,000 Speaker 1: your father. I just want to make sure that everything 544 00:29:40,040 --> 00:29:42,520 Speaker 1: went well, you know. Um, But no, I think it's 545 00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:45,520 Speaker 1: just the conversations, just like how regular couples have conversations 546 00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:49,760 Speaker 1: about finances, about plans and gold. That's definitely something that 547 00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:53,120 Speaker 1: needs to be spoken on, for sure. I got three 548 00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:56,400 Speaker 1: for the gentleman, because the dudes be like pulling their 549 00:29:56,400 --> 00:29:59,440 Speaker 1: hair out. Like the first thing, I would say that 550 00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:02,600 Speaker 1: the most important thing when you and your wife is 551 00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:04,560 Speaker 1: pregnant and you're about to have a kid, take some 552 00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:07,600 Speaker 1: time to do a deep dive into her family history. 553 00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:11,840 Speaker 1: If you can understand who she is, how her family 554 00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:14,960 Speaker 1: was raised, how she was you know how she was raised, 555 00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:17,360 Speaker 1: and you can understand where some of the anxiety maybe 556 00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:21,680 Speaker 1: coming from. Now she has her heart beat outside walking around. 557 00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:24,200 Speaker 1: If you can understand her family history, you can sit 558 00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:27,080 Speaker 1: back and saying I know why that triggers you, or 559 00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:30,320 Speaker 1: I know why you choose to do this with our children. 560 00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:34,920 Speaker 1: That's number one. Number two. Understand that the first year 561 00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:38,720 Speaker 1: after a woman gives birth, it takes her all of 562 00:30:38,760 --> 00:30:43,600 Speaker 1: that time to get back physically, emotionally, and spiritually. So 563 00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:45,440 Speaker 1: everything you're going through in this first year, and it 564 00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:47,560 Speaker 1: said here on the breakdown that most people get divorced 565 00:30:47,560 --> 00:30:50,520 Speaker 1: between six and nine months after having a baby. That's 566 00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:52,920 Speaker 1: still within the year. The woman that you're next to 567 00:30:53,040 --> 00:30:54,480 Speaker 1: right now that just had that baby is not the 568 00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:57,520 Speaker 1: woman that you proposed to or laid down with or 569 00:30:57,560 --> 00:31:00,280 Speaker 1: got married to. So understand it's gonna take her time 570 00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:03,680 Speaker 1: to get back. So when you're saying she's changed, absolutely 571 00:31:03,720 --> 00:31:06,920 Speaker 1: she's changed because she had to uh, grow a baby, 572 00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:09,720 Speaker 1: nurture the baby, give birth to the baby, now nurture 573 00:31:09,720 --> 00:31:12,040 Speaker 1: the baby outside of her body with her body like 574 00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:14,200 Speaker 1: they when a woman has a baby, she's then reborn. 575 00:31:14,360 --> 00:31:19,240 Speaker 1: So to reintroduce yourself to an extent, So if you 576 00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:22,560 Speaker 1: if you have that understanding of that as a man, 577 00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:25,120 Speaker 1: you will give your your wife or your girlfriend a 578 00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:28,120 Speaker 1: little bit more grace when it comes to dealing with 579 00:31:28,160 --> 00:31:30,920 Speaker 1: these issues as opposed to being like she's being neurotic 580 00:31:30,960 --> 00:31:34,560 Speaker 1: and ridiculous, like if you understand that. So that's one 581 00:31:34,840 --> 00:31:37,760 Speaker 1: is understanding her family history too, is understanding where she 582 00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:40,720 Speaker 1: is physically and understand that where she is. And the 583 00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:44,840 Speaker 1: last one is this bro yes her to death and 584 00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:47,480 Speaker 1: when she leaves, do what you want to do anyway, 585 00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:53,440 Speaker 1: because that's what I do. Like now, I know I'm 586 00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:57,240 Speaker 1: never leaving this house with the no. But but here's 587 00:31:57,240 --> 00:32:01,680 Speaker 1: the truth. Though, people argue right because they just want 588 00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:04,160 Speaker 1: to be right in the moment. Right, So you're telling 589 00:32:04,160 --> 00:32:05,880 Speaker 1: me all of these things to do with the posts, 590 00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:07,480 Speaker 1: and most people are you don't want to do this 591 00:32:07,520 --> 00:32:08,760 Speaker 1: I don't know this. Are you know what I did? 592 00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:12,880 Speaker 1: I used to look at the focus posts. You said 593 00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:15,880 Speaker 1: two and a half hours, right, we got four ounces? Right, 594 00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:19,800 Speaker 1: I'm just with the milk bourbon. Two minutes okay, um, 595 00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:22,480 Speaker 1: two changes in the onesie, I gotta do, Okay, I 596 00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:24,200 Speaker 1: make sure I get a lot done. The minute you left, 597 00:32:24,200 --> 00:32:26,840 Speaker 1: I was like, rip, rip ribbedy rip, throw that out. 598 00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:28,680 Speaker 1: He was in the same ones thee all day. The 599 00:32:28,720 --> 00:32:31,000 Speaker 1: ones he was open, it was just flapping. I was 600 00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:33,800 Speaker 1: walking around, fed him what I wanted to feed him. 601 00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:36,320 Speaker 1: If he wasn't crying, he was not getting no extra bottle, 602 00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:38,960 Speaker 1: and he was fine. And when you came home and 603 00:32:38,960 --> 00:32:40,200 Speaker 1: he was like, did you do everything I told you? 604 00:32:40,240 --> 00:32:43,520 Speaker 1: I was like yeah, because it wasn't even worth it 605 00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:46,600 Speaker 1: to debate about what you told me. Let me tell 606 00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:52,120 Speaker 1: y'all have to survive. I'm about to choke myself. Let 607 00:32:52,120 --> 00:32:54,360 Speaker 1: me tell you how far we've come. Okay, let me 608 00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:56,720 Speaker 1: tell you how far we come. I got a quick story. 609 00:32:56,880 --> 00:32:59,400 Speaker 1: So I'm taking Chiros to a birthday party last weekend 610 00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:03,280 Speaker 1: for one of his friends. Beautiful sixty five degree day 611 00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:06,320 Speaker 1: in Atlanta in February, you know, and I'm like, all right, 612 00:33:06,360 --> 00:33:08,080 Speaker 1: I can rock with this. Coming from New York, I'm 613 00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:11,040 Speaker 1: like this, this is it all right? Slid However, he's 614 00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:14,600 Speaker 1: going to a snow tubing party. So these people brought 615 00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:19,200 Speaker 1: some snow in, you know, and built these two little 616 00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:23,400 Speaker 1: slides with ice and snow for the kids to slide on. 617 00:33:23,480 --> 00:33:25,440 Speaker 1: So the mom messaged me and say, hey, I'm so 618 00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:27,120 Speaker 1: happy that Kyra can come to the party. Just make 619 00:33:27,120 --> 00:33:29,480 Speaker 1: sure that you're dressing him appropriately because we're going to 620 00:33:29,560 --> 00:33:32,680 Speaker 1: be doing snow tubing. So I'm like, cool, I'm thinking 621 00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:36,120 Speaker 1: snow tubing is wet, it's cold, it's ice. Let me 622 00:33:36,160 --> 00:33:38,720 Speaker 1: make sure that he's dressed appropriately. So I put on 623 00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:41,520 Speaker 1: some long johns on him, right, put some sweatpants on, 624 00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:44,840 Speaker 1: and then he has on his socks, his hoodie whatever. 625 00:33:45,480 --> 00:33:47,280 Speaker 1: So as been rushing out the door because the VAL's 626 00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:50,160 Speaker 1: gonna drop us over to the party. I'm my devot, 627 00:33:50,240 --> 00:33:53,320 Speaker 1: where's Cairo's you know, bubble coat? And he's just like, 628 00:33:53,560 --> 00:33:56,160 Speaker 1: it's sixty five degrees. I'm like, I know it's sixty 629 00:33:56,200 --> 00:34:00,920 Speaker 1: five degrees. However, a you know how kids could randomly 630 00:34:00,960 --> 00:34:04,200 Speaker 1: there and we're like, I'm cold, I'm not whatever. I 631 00:34:04,280 --> 00:34:06,320 Speaker 1: bring the coat because I feel like, I want to 632 00:34:06,360 --> 00:34:09,359 Speaker 1: be prepared in the event that I need the coat, right, 633 00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:12,880 Speaker 1: I too put on my coat because I'm always cold. 634 00:34:14,160 --> 00:34:16,560 Speaker 1: So Devo doesn't say anything. I get in the car, 635 00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:19,640 Speaker 1: we go to the party. I'm at the party with Cairo. 636 00:34:19,880 --> 00:34:22,520 Speaker 1: He's sliding on the slide leaving. I was just like, 637 00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:24,319 Speaker 1: why are we Why are you taking a bubble cot? Well, yeah, 638 00:34:24,320 --> 00:34:25,600 Speaker 1: because I asked you where it was and you were 639 00:34:25,640 --> 00:34:28,400 Speaker 1: just like, why do you need the sixty five degrees? 640 00:34:28,440 --> 00:34:29,880 Speaker 1: And then I was just like, I just want to 641 00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:31,880 Speaker 1: bring it just in case. So then we get to 642 00:34:31,920 --> 00:34:33,640 Speaker 1: the party. Cairo is going on the slide. He goes 643 00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:35,839 Speaker 1: down twice. There's like mud at the bottom, so he's 644 00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:38,560 Speaker 1: already instantly dirty. Cairo's piste now, because we know how 645 00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:42,560 Speaker 1: Cairo stays about his clothes, y'all, He's very particular about 646 00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:45,080 Speaker 1: his clothes. Remember that point when I get here to 647 00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:50,320 Speaker 1: we but this story to continue, continue, So Cairo is 648 00:34:50,400 --> 00:34:54,200 Speaker 1: upset about the snow and the mud and all that. 649 00:34:54,360 --> 00:34:55,840 Speaker 1: At this point, he didn't have his bubble coat, and 650 00:34:55,880 --> 00:34:57,879 Speaker 1: I just had it in my hands because I wanted 651 00:34:57,920 --> 00:35:00,319 Speaker 1: to make sure, you know, just in case. So at 652 00:35:00,360 --> 00:35:05,880 Speaker 1: the party, can I finish So I'm there, I'm talking. 653 00:35:05,920 --> 00:35:07,880 Speaker 1: You know, we're under the shade of the backyard of 654 00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:10,680 Speaker 1: the people's house and whatnot. So eventually I even start 655 00:35:10,719 --> 00:35:12,719 Speaker 1: to get warm, so I take my coat off, right, 656 00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:15,359 Speaker 1: So Kyro and I both have our coats and they're 657 00:35:15,360 --> 00:35:17,600 Speaker 1: off to the side. So we're going back to the 658 00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:20,160 Speaker 1: car now when Devlo picks us up, and Devot could 659 00:35:20,200 --> 00:35:22,760 Speaker 1: not wait to ask me if we use the bubble 660 00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:25,560 Speaker 1: coat or not. We did not use the bubble coat. 661 00:35:25,600 --> 00:35:28,120 Speaker 1: But you know what a mother does. A mother foresees 662 00:35:28,239 --> 00:35:32,279 Speaker 1: all of the scenarios that could potentially happen. And if 663 00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:35,279 Speaker 1: I if I do that, what would have happened is 664 00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:37,759 Speaker 1: Kyra would have been like, mom, I want my coat, 665 00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:40,759 Speaker 1: or mom My, my sweatshirt is dirty. I want to 666 00:35:40,760 --> 00:35:42,960 Speaker 1: take it off. And then I would have been ill 667 00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:45,480 Speaker 1: equipped and had to call you to come back and 668 00:35:45,520 --> 00:35:48,120 Speaker 1: bring me change your clothes. So I'd rather be prepared 669 00:35:48,160 --> 00:35:49,759 Speaker 1: and have the coat in the event that he got 670 00:35:49,800 --> 00:35:52,560 Speaker 1: chilly and he got dirty. And then this is the 671 00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:54,959 Speaker 1: longest story ever. This story is longer than storytime story. 672 00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:56,719 Speaker 1: I just want to put that out there because you're 673 00:35:56,760 --> 00:35:59,040 Speaker 1: trying to get all your details. This is the problem y'all. 674 00:35:59,040 --> 00:36:00,800 Speaker 1: This is the problem. People just be listening with the 675 00:36:01,320 --> 00:36:03,400 Speaker 1: intent to respond and not even let me get my 676 00:36:03,440 --> 00:36:08,320 Speaker 1: story out finished as a mom, to make sure that, okay, 677 00:36:08,440 --> 00:36:10,640 Speaker 1: all of the scenarios that could potentially happen, I'd rather 678 00:36:10,719 --> 00:36:13,480 Speaker 1: have it, you know, the mom that has said all 679 00:36:13,480 --> 00:36:16,800 Speaker 1: of the scenarios, you didn't prepare for the greatest scenario. 680 00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:19,040 Speaker 1: And I'm shocked that you didn't prepare for this. But 681 00:36:19,080 --> 00:36:21,719 Speaker 1: you know why, I'm not shocked because you were never 682 00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:25,560 Speaker 1: Because you were never a boy. Okay, I was a boy, right, 683 00:36:25,840 --> 00:36:28,280 Speaker 1: And I remember going to parties and my mom getting 684 00:36:28,280 --> 00:36:30,640 Speaker 1: me dressed and having on khakis and a bow tie 685 00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:33,360 Speaker 1: and niggas just running around and my ship my first thing. 686 00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:35,359 Speaker 1: My mother said, don't you get them closed dirty. It's 687 00:36:35,400 --> 00:36:38,239 Speaker 1: a party, right, But that was no. But but this 688 00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:41,799 Speaker 1: is where you didn't foresee things, right, Jackson. I mean, 689 00:36:41,920 --> 00:36:45,200 Speaker 1: Kiro loves that Michael Jordan's hoodie. He loves it, don't he. 690 00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:49,680 Speaker 1: I would have told him, don't wear that hoodie to 691 00:36:49,760 --> 00:36:52,200 Speaker 1: go slide down and thing into a barrel of hay 692 00:36:52,320 --> 00:36:54,879 Speaker 1: with dirt on it. You're going to get the hoodie dirt. 693 00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:56,480 Speaker 1: You know why you didn't know it's gonna be dirt 694 00:36:56,800 --> 00:36:59,239 Speaker 1: because you're not a boy and you never slid down 695 00:36:59,280 --> 00:37:03,600 Speaker 1: things right boys. So and I would have had I 696 00:37:03,640 --> 00:37:06,360 Speaker 1: known about the party, but I didn't know about the party. 697 00:37:06,520 --> 00:37:10,960 Speaker 1: In any events, moms foresee things differently, And this is 698 00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:14,400 Speaker 1: why it's important for parents to understand that there's no 699 00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:17,879 Speaker 1: one way to do everything right right. If we were 700 00:37:17,920 --> 00:37:21,560 Speaker 1: a team in that moment, as opposed to someone saying 701 00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:25,239 Speaker 1: I got this because I'm a mom, I wouldn't have 702 00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:27,640 Speaker 1: got a text message saying that Chiro's crying because his 703 00:37:27,719 --> 00:37:30,520 Speaker 1: hoodie's dirty, because Daddy would have told you, don't wear 704 00:37:30,560 --> 00:37:33,279 Speaker 1: them fresh Jays because they're gonna get dirty. Don't wear 705 00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:35,640 Speaker 1: that hoodie because it's gonna get dirty. But did Mom 706 00:37:35,760 --> 00:37:37,480 Speaker 1: think about that? No? You want to know why, because 707 00:37:37,600 --> 00:37:40,400 Speaker 1: Mom is not a sneaker head. He didn't wear his 708 00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:43,799 Speaker 1: fresh Days sidebar. He wore his old Let you tell 709 00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:48,239 Speaker 1: your story. Didn't but but you got to I let 710 00:37:48,280 --> 00:37:50,480 Speaker 1: you tell you. He did not wear his cool grays 711 00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:52,560 Speaker 1: because I was nervous about that. So, no, he didn't 712 00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:54,319 Speaker 1: wear his cool grays that he loves. Did she go 713 00:37:54,400 --> 00:37:57,840 Speaker 1: controlling the conversation? We just talked about control. We just 714 00:37:57,880 --> 00:38:01,839 Speaker 1: learned talking about control. The point ain't The point of 715 00:38:01,920 --> 00:38:06,400 Speaker 1: my rebuttal is that a mom can't see everything because 716 00:38:06,440 --> 00:38:09,760 Speaker 1: moms don't know everything. Y'all just claim y'all know everything. 717 00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:13,560 Speaker 1: Y'all don't, especially when it comes to raising boys because 718 00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:17,440 Speaker 1: you've never been a boy. So but but there's a 719 00:38:17,440 --> 00:38:19,960 Speaker 1: lot of moms out there who will not be honest 720 00:38:19,960 --> 00:38:23,360 Speaker 1: about that and still claim they know everything and still 721 00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:26,600 Speaker 1: push fathers aside while trying to raise young boys, not 722 00:38:26,719 --> 00:38:30,000 Speaker 1: realizing that the greatest person to help them maybe their father. 723 00:38:30,920 --> 00:38:32,439 Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, And that's the whole point 724 00:38:32,440 --> 00:38:36,640 Speaker 1: of the conversation is listen, understand that your spouse has 725 00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:41,120 Speaker 1: a perspective, respect their perspective, and let's not argue about 726 00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:43,600 Speaker 1: who did things the right way, which because here's the thing. 727 00:38:43,760 --> 00:38:46,000 Speaker 1: Becaudina and I didn't argue to get in the car 728 00:38:46,040 --> 00:38:48,040 Speaker 1: and go to the party. We didn't argue when we 729 00:38:48,080 --> 00:38:50,239 Speaker 1: got back from the party because we both matured enough 730 00:38:50,280 --> 00:38:52,560 Speaker 1: to say, hey, she's gonna do what she want to do. 731 00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:54,799 Speaker 1: She took him to the party, I'm gonna let her 732 00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:56,880 Speaker 1: walk there with the big gas bubble coats and fumbling 733 00:38:56,920 --> 00:38:58,759 Speaker 1: bubble and carried around because I don't got to do it. 734 00:38:59,040 --> 00:39:01,040 Speaker 1: Part of the reason why I'll be getting upset when 735 00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:02,880 Speaker 1: you be carrying a whole bunch of stuff for options. 736 00:39:03,200 --> 00:39:06,040 Speaker 1: It's I'm the mothercker. I gotta carry that stuff. So 737 00:39:06,080 --> 00:39:08,520 Speaker 1: we'll be walking through the airport and we got four kids, 738 00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:11,440 Speaker 1: and every kid got to have an option. I'm the 739 00:39:11,480 --> 00:39:13,280 Speaker 1: one that got to carry the option while she walks 740 00:39:13,280 --> 00:39:16,080 Speaker 1: around with her purse and her shades on, and I'm 741 00:39:16,080 --> 00:39:19,080 Speaker 1: back there fumbling with mad guys, and then she's asking 742 00:39:19,120 --> 00:39:21,880 Speaker 1: me why I'm frustrated because I'm I'm the one that 743 00:39:21,920 --> 00:39:25,080 Speaker 1: has to carry your options. But I don't only carry 744 00:39:25,200 --> 00:39:28,319 Speaker 1: options for the kids. I'll be heavy your back to 745 00:39:29,640 --> 00:39:31,319 Speaker 1: you and not be having stuff for you because at 746 00:39:31,320 --> 00:39:33,000 Speaker 1: a random moment in time, if I was just like, 747 00:39:33,000 --> 00:39:34,640 Speaker 1: oh I need to tiss you, Oh damn, I could 748 00:39:34,680 --> 00:39:39,160 Speaker 1: do to snack uh And usually nine times out of tank, y'all, 749 00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:44,000 Speaker 1: I got that ship in my backpack, backpack, back back backpack, 750 00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:48,319 Speaker 1: Like Dora, We're gonna take a break and go pay 751 00:39:48,360 --> 00:39:51,600 Speaker 1: some of these ads because this is one of those moments. 752 00:39:51,719 --> 00:39:53,919 Speaker 1: I said this in season I think it was season two. 753 00:39:54,719 --> 00:39:56,600 Speaker 1: When your wife thinks you know everything and you're tired 754 00:39:56,600 --> 00:40:01,640 Speaker 1: of argument to be like, okay, baby, this we're having discussion. 755 00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:04,720 Speaker 1: We're having a discussion, y'all. This is not an argument. 756 00:40:05,160 --> 00:40:07,920 Speaker 1: But we're gonna take a break, come back with some 757 00:40:08,080 --> 00:40:11,040 Speaker 1: listening letters. We get into y'all business. Y'all be in 758 00:40:11,080 --> 00:40:25,200 Speaker 1: our business, all right, y'all. So now we're back for 759 00:40:25,520 --> 00:40:28,320 Speaker 1: listener letters, which I think is easily becoming devours favorite 760 00:40:28,360 --> 00:40:32,759 Speaker 1: part of the show. Shoot, we want to gain people. 761 00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:35,399 Speaker 1: Agree on that, all right, We agree on that right now. 762 00:40:36,480 --> 00:40:39,760 Speaker 1: First one, hey de Valcote, and congrats on Dakoda. Thank you, 763 00:40:39,880 --> 00:40:43,719 Speaker 1: my sweet baby. He's the sweetest baby, y'all. Oh man. Anyway, Um, 764 00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:45,839 Speaker 1: my boyfriend and I have been together for a year now, 765 00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:49,200 Speaker 1: and we keep coming back to this recurring conversation fathering 766 00:40:49,280 --> 00:40:52,920 Speaker 1: with a real father figure. Let me explain, my boyfriend 767 00:40:52,920 --> 00:40:56,960 Speaker 1: feels as if because he didn't have a real father figure, 768 00:40:57,360 --> 00:40:59,600 Speaker 1: he doesn't know how to be a father to his son's. 769 00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:03,000 Speaker 1: Now I speak life into it and suggest that he 770 00:41:03,080 --> 00:41:05,560 Speaker 1: learns the things that he wasn't taught and then teach 771 00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:09,160 Speaker 1: his boys those things. I know in my personal experience, 772 00:41:09,280 --> 00:41:12,080 Speaker 1: I've taken the things my daughter, my mother taught me, 773 00:41:12,480 --> 00:41:14,880 Speaker 1: and I appreciate and taught my daughter and omitted the 774 00:41:14,920 --> 00:41:17,640 Speaker 1: things that I did, like in order to parent my daughter. 775 00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:20,839 Speaker 1: I feel that his fear of failing as a father 776 00:41:21,000 --> 00:41:24,880 Speaker 1: is crippling him whenever his schedule allows. We have his boys. 777 00:41:25,320 --> 00:41:27,920 Speaker 1: He's a great father, considering he feels like he isn't 778 00:41:28,280 --> 00:41:30,880 Speaker 1: He doesn't have it all, but his children adore him 779 00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:33,520 Speaker 1: because he gives them encouragement, a safe space to be 780 00:41:33,600 --> 00:41:36,719 Speaker 1: themselves and speak freely. Is there anything else I can 781 00:41:36,760 --> 00:41:40,200 Speaker 1: do on my part to help him? Okay, so he 782 00:41:40,239 --> 00:41:44,600 Speaker 1: has these boys outside of her, got you? Well? The 783 00:41:44,640 --> 00:41:48,279 Speaker 1: first thing is, um, it's not your responsibility to make 784 00:41:48,360 --> 00:41:51,080 Speaker 1: him feel secure about being a father, like you just 785 00:41:51,120 --> 00:41:55,759 Speaker 1: can't do that. We we've learned this with Delna. We 786 00:41:55,800 --> 00:41:58,799 Speaker 1: spoke about this like there are two things, and specifically 787 00:41:58,800 --> 00:42:01,520 Speaker 1: that you can't controllers that someone else's happiness and someone 788 00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:04,480 Speaker 1: else's security. Most of the time, their their lack of 789 00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:10,400 Speaker 1: happiness or feeling of insecurity comes from their personal experiences, 790 00:42:10,440 --> 00:42:13,160 Speaker 1: and part of his insecurity comes from him not dealing 791 00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:17,640 Speaker 1: with his father issues. And men can have daddy issues too, 792 00:42:17,880 --> 00:42:20,400 Speaker 1: and a lot of times, especially like I said before, 793 00:42:20,680 --> 00:42:23,120 Speaker 1: mentoring these young men who didn't have fathers. They come 794 00:42:23,200 --> 00:42:27,000 Speaker 1: from fathers whose fathers were not there, and a lot 795 00:42:27,040 --> 00:42:29,680 Speaker 1: of times, like you know, like this young man says, 796 00:42:29,719 --> 00:42:32,959 Speaker 1: they feel like they don't know how to father, which 797 00:42:33,000 --> 00:42:36,040 Speaker 1: is not always the case. You have to be willing 798 00:42:36,080 --> 00:42:37,880 Speaker 1: to say to yourself, I know I'm gonna make some 799 00:42:37,920 --> 00:42:40,000 Speaker 1: mistakes along the way, but I'm gonna figure out and 800 00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:42,000 Speaker 1: we're gonna figure it out together. That's something I say 801 00:42:42,000 --> 00:42:44,760 Speaker 1: that Jackson, Cairo, and Kaz soon to be the coda. 802 00:42:44,880 --> 00:42:47,719 Speaker 1: All the time, Daddy makes mistakes. And I grew up 803 00:42:47,760 --> 00:42:51,440 Speaker 1: with my father, my uncle's and my grandparents, so I've 804 00:42:51,440 --> 00:42:53,600 Speaker 1: always had positive male figures in my life. But I 805 00:42:53,640 --> 00:42:56,440 Speaker 1: still make mistakes. And every time we go through stuff 806 00:42:56,480 --> 00:42:59,400 Speaker 1: and we're talking about things like the boys are at 807 00:42:59,400 --> 00:43:00,839 Speaker 1: the point out the end out walk in the room, 808 00:43:00,840 --> 00:43:02,880 Speaker 1: they like add attention because they think they're in trouble, 809 00:43:03,160 --> 00:43:06,680 Speaker 1: you know, because because of my work schedule for a 810 00:43:06,719 --> 00:43:09,120 Speaker 1: couple of months, I wasn't home. So then when I 811 00:43:09,160 --> 00:43:11,560 Speaker 1: did come home, I was always checking them on stuff 812 00:43:11,560 --> 00:43:13,200 Speaker 1: that I saw wrong. So every time I walk in 813 00:43:13,239 --> 00:43:15,560 Speaker 1: the room, they felt like I was doing like like 814 00:43:15,600 --> 00:43:17,880 Speaker 1: they did something wrong. First of all, that was mistake 815 00:43:17,960 --> 00:43:21,360 Speaker 1: number one, right, So then after a while, I was like, 816 00:43:21,840 --> 00:43:23,719 Speaker 1: I get I feel kind of bad every time I 817 00:43:23,760 --> 00:43:26,160 Speaker 1: walk somewhere that they feel like they're in trouble. So 818 00:43:26,200 --> 00:43:28,960 Speaker 1: I started just calling them and be like, Jackson, Cairo 819 00:43:29,800 --> 00:43:32,040 Speaker 1: like what I'm like, come here. So when they come 820 00:43:32,200 --> 00:43:33,719 Speaker 1: and I hugged him and be like that, I tell 821 00:43:33,719 --> 00:43:36,000 Speaker 1: you I love you today. Just so that my presence 822 00:43:36,040 --> 00:43:38,640 Speaker 1: doesn't put fear in their heart, you know what I'm saying. 823 00:43:38,719 --> 00:43:42,040 Speaker 1: But I also tell them like, hey, listen, you've never 824 00:43:42,080 --> 00:43:44,480 Speaker 1: been tent before, Jackson, this is your first time being tent. 825 00:43:44,560 --> 00:43:47,239 Speaker 1: You're gonna make mistakes. I've never had a ten year old. 826 00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:50,880 Speaker 1: I'm gonna make mistakes. Can we make mistakes together and 827 00:43:51,080 --> 00:43:53,640 Speaker 1: hug each other and figure it out? And he's like, yeah, 828 00:43:53,680 --> 00:43:57,200 Speaker 1: we can. Like yeah, So I think for for you, 829 00:43:57,200 --> 00:44:01,080 Speaker 1: young lady, continue to encourage him. Um, but he is 830 00:44:01,080 --> 00:44:02,520 Speaker 1: going to have to do the work on his own 831 00:44:02,560 --> 00:44:05,279 Speaker 1: outside of you. He's gonna have to I don't know 832 00:44:05,320 --> 00:44:06,960 Speaker 1: how he's going to deal with his father issues if 833 00:44:06,960 --> 00:44:09,560 Speaker 1: his therapy speaks to his mom about what happened, but 834 00:44:09,680 --> 00:44:11,440 Speaker 1: he's going to have to find a way to reconcile 835 00:44:11,440 --> 00:44:13,880 Speaker 1: with not having a father. If he's gonna want to 836 00:44:14,080 --> 00:44:16,480 Speaker 1: work on those insecurities. I think half the battle for him, 837 00:44:16,520 --> 00:44:18,839 Speaker 1: which I admire, is the fact that he even acknowledges 838 00:44:18,880 --> 00:44:21,320 Speaker 1: that he realizes that there may be a deficit for 839 00:44:21,480 --> 00:44:25,359 Speaker 1: him as a father because he hasn't had his dad UM. 840 00:44:25,440 --> 00:44:28,279 Speaker 1: And then you talked about earlier paternal instinct kicking in, 841 00:44:28,280 --> 00:44:31,279 Speaker 1: the same maternal instinct kicks in. So if he, I think, 842 00:44:31,320 --> 00:44:33,600 Speaker 1: relies on that, and if they do have a healthy 843 00:44:33,600 --> 00:44:36,680 Speaker 1: co parenting relationship, I think it would be great. And 844 00:44:36,719 --> 00:44:38,719 Speaker 1: I think that he'll be okay once he, like you said, 845 00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:41,000 Speaker 1: maybe gets the therapy or deals with that. But I 846 00:44:41,040 --> 00:44:43,759 Speaker 1: love that he is even speaking about that, and he's 847 00:44:43,800 --> 00:44:46,440 Speaker 1: interested in finding ways to be a better father UM, 848 00:44:46,480 --> 00:44:48,840 Speaker 1: and that can be personal to him. So, for example, 849 00:44:48,960 --> 00:44:51,719 Speaker 1: you're not doing some of the things that you've experience 850 00:44:51,800 --> 00:44:54,600 Speaker 1: with your dad. You said, for example with Jackson, you 851 00:44:54,640 --> 00:44:56,960 Speaker 1: did something with Jackson, or you spoke to him about 852 00:44:56,960 --> 00:44:58,920 Speaker 1: something recently and you said, you know, Jackson, I have 853 00:44:58,960 --> 00:45:01,200 Speaker 1: to apologize to you because I did not go about 854 00:45:01,239 --> 00:45:04,000 Speaker 1: this the right way. You're apologized until your ten year old. 855 00:45:04,239 --> 00:45:05,680 Speaker 1: That's something that you said your dad never did. He 856 00:45:05,719 --> 00:45:08,880 Speaker 1: never apologize or admitted fault sometimes. So that's something that 857 00:45:08,920 --> 00:45:11,759 Speaker 1: you've taken from your experience with your dad and you 858 00:45:11,880 --> 00:45:13,239 Speaker 1: have now said, you know what, I'm going to do 859 00:45:13,280 --> 00:45:17,200 Speaker 1: it differently him not having his dad there. They don't 860 00:45:17,239 --> 00:45:21,399 Speaker 1: to this day, don't apologize. They just like, right, yeah, 861 00:45:21,520 --> 00:45:23,440 Speaker 1: you're my child, and you know how that affected you 862 00:45:23,480 --> 00:45:26,239 Speaker 1: growing up and how you felt kind of discredited along 863 00:45:26,320 --> 00:45:29,880 Speaker 1: the way. So now you're taking that portion of your parents, 864 00:45:30,239 --> 00:45:32,839 Speaker 1: you know, way with you, and you're altering that with 865 00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:35,160 Speaker 1: him not having his father around, he can now create 866 00:45:35,600 --> 00:45:38,680 Speaker 1: that life that he wants for himself and his boys. Um. 867 00:45:38,760 --> 00:45:41,359 Speaker 1: So yeah, just stick by his side, like you, vinces um, 868 00:45:41,400 --> 00:45:44,400 Speaker 1: continue to speak life into him and maybe let him know, 869 00:45:44,440 --> 00:45:46,040 Speaker 1: like you know, just because you didn't have your dad 870 00:45:46,080 --> 00:45:48,560 Speaker 1: around doesn't mean that you can't now create your own 871 00:45:48,600 --> 00:45:50,799 Speaker 1: path just based off of what you see fit for 872 00:45:50,800 --> 00:45:54,600 Speaker 1: your son's cool. It's a good one. Number two. Hello, 873 00:45:55,200 --> 00:45:57,760 Speaker 1: Thank you both for always keeping in and for always 874 00:45:57,760 --> 00:45:59,920 Speaker 1: discussing hard subjects that no one else wants to talk of. 875 00:46:00,000 --> 00:46:03,000 Speaker 1: W We appreciate you listening. Thank you so much. I 876 00:46:03,000 --> 00:46:05,160 Speaker 1: am writing to you both for advice because I don't 877 00:46:05,160 --> 00:46:07,200 Speaker 1: know what I should do in a relationship I'm currently 878 00:46:07,239 --> 00:46:10,319 Speaker 1: in I'll try to keep this email short. I'm a 879 00:46:10,320 --> 00:46:13,000 Speaker 1: twenty eight year old woman while my boyfriend is thirty. Essentially, 880 00:46:13,280 --> 00:46:16,680 Speaker 1: we work extremely well together except for his insecurities and jealousy. 881 00:46:16,880 --> 00:46:18,960 Speaker 1: We have two different views on how when to keep 882 00:46:19,000 --> 00:46:21,520 Speaker 1: people in our lives. He is not friends with any 883 00:46:21,560 --> 00:46:24,200 Speaker 1: of his exits, along with anyone he has ever slept with. I, 884 00:46:24,320 --> 00:46:26,839 Speaker 1: on the other hand, am He knew this coming into 885 00:46:26,840 --> 00:46:28,839 Speaker 1: the relationship. He does not try to stop me from 886 00:46:28,880 --> 00:46:31,120 Speaker 1: hanging out with any of these friends. However, his emotions 887 00:46:31,120 --> 00:46:33,640 Speaker 1: become so high at the slightest mention of it, he 888 00:46:33,680 --> 00:46:35,719 Speaker 1: starts playing a bunch of scenarios in his head and 889 00:46:35,719 --> 00:46:38,480 Speaker 1: tricks himself into thinking I'm playing him. He shuts down 890 00:46:38,480 --> 00:46:41,200 Speaker 1: and almost immediately needs space for me. He tells me 891 00:46:41,280 --> 00:46:43,360 Speaker 1: I'm not doing anything wrong, but it always feels like 892 00:46:43,400 --> 00:46:45,920 Speaker 1: I am because of how high his emotions get. I 893 00:46:45,960 --> 00:46:50,040 Speaker 1: have cheated before and another relationship, while he never has. However, 894 00:46:50,440 --> 00:46:52,759 Speaker 1: when we initially met over ten years ago, we were 895 00:46:52,880 --> 00:46:56,560 Speaker 1: in uh F W B relationship. I'm not sure oh 896 00:46:56,600 --> 00:46:59,640 Speaker 1: friends would benefit relationship while I was in an open relationship. 897 00:46:59,680 --> 00:47:01,759 Speaker 1: I d stand his perspective on things, and I'm not 898 00:47:01,840 --> 00:47:05,000 Speaker 1: upset with him for having them. I just don't know 899 00:47:05,040 --> 00:47:07,320 Speaker 1: what to do because every time I suggest an alternative, 900 00:47:07,360 --> 00:47:10,000 Speaker 1: he immediately shuts it down. What advice can you guys 901 00:47:10,280 --> 00:47:15,759 Speaker 1: give me? Yeah, I mean insecurities is something that you 902 00:47:15,800 --> 00:47:19,840 Speaker 1: can't control. Jealousy you can't control. He knew what it 903 00:47:20,040 --> 00:47:22,840 Speaker 1: was apparently when he got with you, because you've explained 904 00:47:23,200 --> 00:47:25,560 Speaker 1: that you guys both kept it a hundred in in 905 00:47:25,960 --> 00:47:29,799 Speaker 1: the beginning. So that sounds like a him problem, not 906 00:47:29,920 --> 00:47:33,839 Speaker 1: a you problem, sis um, But to the point where 907 00:47:33,920 --> 00:47:37,320 Speaker 1: it's always an argument, where it's always jealousy, it's always 908 00:47:37,360 --> 00:47:39,719 Speaker 1: these scenarios that he's playing, and said, him not being 909 00:47:39,760 --> 00:47:41,960 Speaker 1: secure with himself is not something that you can teach him. 910 00:47:42,000 --> 00:47:43,640 Speaker 1: And if that's going to be a detriment to you 911 00:47:43,800 --> 00:47:46,759 Speaker 1: and the relationship with him, then maybe you need to 912 00:47:46,760 --> 00:47:48,759 Speaker 1: reassess this. This is something you even want to be 913 00:47:48,840 --> 00:47:53,040 Speaker 1: a part of. I think that's a UM. That's a 914 00:47:53,080 --> 00:47:55,680 Speaker 1: really good suggestion that a lot of people don't want 915 00:47:55,680 --> 00:47:58,640 Speaker 1: to hear. Right, it's like, fix my relationship. Sometimes the 916 00:47:58,719 --> 00:48:02,120 Speaker 1: relationship can't be fixed, right, especially if one person doesn't 917 00:48:02,120 --> 00:48:04,719 Speaker 1: want to fix themselves or feel strongly about something which 918 00:48:04,719 --> 00:48:07,879 Speaker 1: he says. It seems like he does. It seems as 919 00:48:07,880 --> 00:48:10,719 Speaker 1: if he has insecurities. Either he was cheated on or 920 00:48:10,760 --> 00:48:13,839 Speaker 1: he watched someone be cheated on and it affected him 921 00:48:13,840 --> 00:48:16,760 Speaker 1: and it triggers him. So now he's trying his hardest 922 00:48:17,080 --> 00:48:20,960 Speaker 1: to be understanding and to be you know, accepting of 923 00:48:21,480 --> 00:48:24,200 Speaker 1: her lifestyle of having a friend that she had sex with. 924 00:48:24,680 --> 00:48:27,239 Speaker 1: But it's difficult. He has to be honest with her 925 00:48:27,239 --> 00:48:30,560 Speaker 1: and say this is difficult for me, and she has 926 00:48:30,600 --> 00:48:32,160 Speaker 1: to be honest with him and say, well, I don't 927 00:48:32,160 --> 00:48:34,800 Speaker 1: I'm not willing to change, And he has to be 928 00:48:34,880 --> 00:48:37,000 Speaker 1: honest with himself because how many times have we or 929 00:48:37,040 --> 00:48:39,360 Speaker 1: not we per se But I know I have sometimes 930 00:48:39,680 --> 00:48:41,759 Speaker 1: agreed to or signed up to things that I thought 931 00:48:41,800 --> 00:48:44,120 Speaker 1: I would be okay with and then I mean the 932 00:48:44,200 --> 00:48:46,680 Speaker 1: thicker things and I'm like, I second, though, I don't 933 00:48:46,719 --> 00:48:48,759 Speaker 1: think I like this, So question what made you say it? 934 00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:52,240 Speaker 1: What made you agree to something? Because it's like sometimes 935 00:48:52,280 --> 00:48:53,600 Speaker 1: you'll talk yourself into it. You be like, you know what, 936 00:48:53,640 --> 00:48:55,239 Speaker 1: Alwa's not going to be that bad, or oh, this 937 00:48:55,400 --> 00:48:58,960 Speaker 1: probably is a worst case scenario, or this may happen, 938 00:48:59,000 --> 00:49:01,759 Speaker 1: but it probably really won't happen. So then you just 939 00:49:01,960 --> 00:49:04,680 Speaker 1: talk yourself into thinking all right, Well, if it did happen, 940 00:49:04,719 --> 00:49:07,520 Speaker 1: I'd be okay, not really thinking it's going to happen. 941 00:49:07,520 --> 00:49:10,200 Speaker 1: But when it does happen, you're like, damn, now that 942 00:49:10,239 --> 00:49:13,439 Speaker 1: it's actually here, I don't think what's called I wonder, 943 00:49:13,520 --> 00:49:18,080 Speaker 1: I wonder what what's that called. I'm, for example, I'm 944 00:49:18,080 --> 00:49:21,040 Speaker 1: not I'm thinking about all of the things. You think 945 00:49:21,040 --> 00:49:24,200 Speaker 1: you're him thinking about all the scenarios. Yeah, but because 946 00:49:24,320 --> 00:49:27,360 Speaker 1: I'm him thinking about all of the scenarios, I would 947 00:49:27,440 --> 00:49:30,200 Speaker 1: say I'm not comfortable. I'm not going to talk about 948 00:49:30,239 --> 00:49:32,640 Speaker 1: all the scenarios and then say I'm comfortable with it 949 00:49:33,320 --> 00:49:35,640 Speaker 1: and hope that that scenario don't happen. Like that's a 950 00:49:35,719 --> 00:49:38,640 Speaker 1: recipe for disaster, because I've learned that the hard way. 951 00:49:39,239 --> 00:49:41,799 Speaker 1: Once you give someone the license to do something, right 952 00:49:42,120 --> 00:49:45,440 Speaker 1: saying that, okay, five things can happen if I give 953 00:49:45,480 --> 00:49:48,839 Speaker 1: them this license. Of the five things too, I don't 954 00:49:48,880 --> 00:49:50,719 Speaker 1: like there's a chance that two of those things might 955 00:49:50,760 --> 00:49:53,520 Speaker 1: might happen. You can't say once two of those things happen, well, 956 00:49:53,560 --> 00:49:56,800 Speaker 1: I didn't like this. That's unfair, that's not that's not honest, 957 00:49:56,840 --> 00:49:59,920 Speaker 1: that's not transparent with the person that you're being You're dating, 958 00:50:00,520 --> 00:50:02,879 Speaker 1: you know, so you cannot do that, and and for me, 959 00:50:03,520 --> 00:50:06,040 Speaker 1: that's how I've always lived my life. I might listen, 960 00:50:06,920 --> 00:50:09,000 Speaker 1: so you're thinking of all scenarios, I think of all 961 00:50:09,040 --> 00:50:12,560 Speaker 1: ten scenarios, and I'm gonna say, Okay, of all tense scenarios, 962 00:50:12,600 --> 00:50:14,759 Speaker 1: four of these I don't like. So I don't feel 963 00:50:14,800 --> 00:50:18,080 Speaker 1: comfortable with you moving forward in that direction because ten 964 00:50:18,120 --> 00:50:21,600 Speaker 1: things can happen, and then you, at that point can say, 965 00:50:22,120 --> 00:50:24,160 Speaker 1: all right, I appreciate your thoughts, but I'm still going 966 00:50:24,200 --> 00:50:26,480 Speaker 1: to move forward doing it. And then I have to 967 00:50:26,520 --> 00:50:29,239 Speaker 1: make a decision and say if I want to stick 968 00:50:29,239 --> 00:50:33,040 Speaker 1: around for that, or you can say I don't like yeah, 969 00:50:33,160 --> 00:50:35,120 Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. Or you can say I 970 00:50:35,160 --> 00:50:38,400 Speaker 1: don't have a good feeling about you telling me what 971 00:50:38,440 --> 00:50:39,920 Speaker 1: you like and don't like. So I don't want to 972 00:50:39,920 --> 00:50:42,239 Speaker 1: be in this situation. You know what I'm saying. And 973 00:50:42,200 --> 00:50:44,520 Speaker 1: the truth of the matter is it's okay to walk 974 00:50:44,560 --> 00:50:48,160 Speaker 1: away from people. It's okay that some people are seasonal. 975 00:50:48,400 --> 00:50:50,840 Speaker 1: Some people are here just to teach you a lesson. 976 00:50:51,760 --> 00:50:55,600 Speaker 1: It's not a failure, it's your After talking for hours 977 00:50:55,600 --> 00:50:59,240 Speaker 1: and hours on days on days for months, we've realized 978 00:50:59,239 --> 00:51:02,319 Speaker 1: we're not compared to boo. Let's ship this square peg 979 00:51:02,360 --> 00:51:05,960 Speaker 1: into a circle hole happen, and that's okay too. So 980 00:51:06,520 --> 00:51:08,719 Speaker 1: I think you know, if you'll keep having conversations and 981 00:51:08,760 --> 00:51:11,560 Speaker 1: realize that you're not compatible, it's okay to move on. 982 00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:15,960 Speaker 1: That's a fact. Save everybody some time, right, because that's 983 00:51:15,960 --> 00:51:18,239 Speaker 1: something that we're always at a deficit for. If you 984 00:51:18,239 --> 00:51:20,040 Speaker 1: want to be featured as a listener letter, be sure 985 00:51:20,080 --> 00:51:23,600 Speaker 1: to email us at dead Advice at gmail dot com. 986 00:51:23,760 --> 00:51:26,960 Speaker 1: And oh my bad, got your part, bro, what happened? 987 00:51:27,000 --> 00:51:32,200 Speaker 1: Because I think the truth? That's D E A D 988 00:51:32,239 --> 00:51:35,040 Speaker 1: A S S A D V I C E at 989 00:51:35,080 --> 00:51:38,600 Speaker 1: gmail dot com. Alright, moment of truth time, coming off 990 00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:44,360 Speaker 1: of conversation about parenting and whose way is the right way? 991 00:51:44,640 --> 00:51:48,439 Speaker 1: There's my moment of truth. Baby. It's very simple when 992 00:51:48,480 --> 00:51:51,120 Speaker 1: two people have a baby, coming from two different backgrounds, 993 00:51:51,120 --> 00:51:55,799 Speaker 1: to different families, to different lifestyles, right, two different genders. Right, 994 00:51:57,560 --> 00:51:59,719 Speaker 1: It's gonna be some things that you don't agree on. 995 00:52:00,880 --> 00:52:03,000 Speaker 1: It's gonna take some months for y'all to figure it out. 996 00:52:03,239 --> 00:52:05,160 Speaker 1: It may take y'all some years to figure it out. 997 00:52:05,480 --> 00:52:09,480 Speaker 1: That don't mean that your relationship is a waste. Embrace 998 00:52:09,600 --> 00:52:13,439 Speaker 1: the challenge of wanting to be with someone and raise 999 00:52:13,480 --> 00:52:16,920 Speaker 1: a life together and go into it excited about learning 1000 00:52:16,960 --> 00:52:20,359 Speaker 1: more about your spouse or your significant other and and 1001 00:52:20,400 --> 00:52:23,040 Speaker 1: being in it together to raise this child. Don't run 1002 00:52:23,200 --> 00:52:26,720 Speaker 1: from what people call the hard time. All these relationships 1003 00:52:26,719 --> 00:52:29,600 Speaker 1: are hard. It's not hard having constant conversations, it's not hard. 1004 00:52:29,640 --> 00:52:31,960 Speaker 1: It's very beautiful. You know, you and I have created 1005 00:52:32,000 --> 00:52:34,960 Speaker 1: a whole brand off of having these conversations, like we 1006 00:52:35,400 --> 00:52:37,400 Speaker 1: have a whole podcast. You know, we're working on a 1007 00:52:37,400 --> 00:52:39,120 Speaker 1: bunch of different things. And I feel like people need 1008 00:52:39,160 --> 00:52:43,640 Speaker 1: to understand that these conversations are not taboo, and they're 1009 00:52:43,680 --> 00:52:49,600 Speaker 1: not destructive to your relationship point or ending line. There 1010 00:52:49,680 --> 00:52:53,080 Speaker 1: is there a finish line or ending point. There is 1011 00:52:53,080 --> 00:52:55,839 Speaker 1: no finish line or ending point for these conversations. Because 1012 00:52:55,840 --> 00:52:58,320 Speaker 1: then they ask us this at dinner, when does it stop? 1013 00:53:00,120 --> 00:53:03,280 Speaker 1: It doesn't. And that's about moting the truth. The conversations 1014 00:53:03,360 --> 00:53:05,759 Speaker 1: never stop, you all, they never stop. They always need 1015 00:53:05,840 --> 00:53:08,600 Speaker 1: to be have because, particularly when it comes to children, 1016 00:53:08,960 --> 00:53:12,799 Speaker 1: there's always a different phase. There's always something new. They're 1017 00:53:12,800 --> 00:53:15,760 Speaker 1: continuing to grow for the next eighteen years and sometimes 1018 00:53:15,800 --> 00:53:18,279 Speaker 1: past eighteen years of life. And then you also have 1019 00:53:18,320 --> 00:53:20,560 Speaker 1: to take into consideration at some point once the children 1020 00:53:20,600 --> 00:53:23,480 Speaker 1: become of age, the child's feeling and how they can 1021 00:53:23,480 --> 00:53:26,640 Speaker 1: see you guys interacting, you know, and how that can 1022 00:53:26,680 --> 00:53:30,120 Speaker 1: affect them as well too. So the conversations never stop. 1023 00:53:30,440 --> 00:53:34,680 Speaker 1: The conversations are healthy. The conversations, we hope bring more clarity. 1024 00:53:35,320 --> 00:53:37,560 Speaker 1: And I think you should also to keep in mind 1025 00:53:37,600 --> 00:53:39,719 Speaker 1: that you love this person and you decided to sit 1026 00:53:39,719 --> 00:53:41,640 Speaker 1: down with this person or lay down with this person. 1027 00:53:41,920 --> 00:53:46,360 Speaker 1: In most scenarios, um, particularly you know husbands and lives 1028 00:53:46,400 --> 00:53:48,440 Speaker 1: or people who are together, that there has to be 1029 00:53:48,480 --> 00:53:50,960 Speaker 1: something that you love about the person that you're with, 1030 00:53:51,080 --> 00:53:53,239 Speaker 1: how they were raised, how they were brought up. Um, 1031 00:53:53,719 --> 00:53:56,160 Speaker 1: you may have a relationship with their family. So knowing 1032 00:53:56,200 --> 00:53:59,160 Speaker 1: the particular background that you um your spouse or your 1033 00:53:59,200 --> 00:54:02,640 Speaker 1: partner has to may also player roll in it. The 1034 00:54:02,680 --> 00:54:05,880 Speaker 1: funny thing is sometimes that may cause you to go 1035 00:54:05,920 --> 00:54:07,640 Speaker 1: in a different direction because you like, damn, I don't 1036 00:54:07,680 --> 00:54:10,160 Speaker 1: like the way my mother in law father in law 1037 00:54:10,239 --> 00:54:14,480 Speaker 1: did that. But at least there's an awareness in the conversation. Yes, 1038 00:54:14,760 --> 00:54:17,960 Speaker 1: you'll be like, oh no, what they did with my 1039 00:54:18,040 --> 00:54:20,319 Speaker 1: spouse is the brother or sister, But whatever it is, 1040 00:54:20,840 --> 00:54:23,520 Speaker 1: I'm not signing up to it. Yes, all right, y'all. 1041 00:54:24,320 --> 00:54:26,680 Speaker 1: Be sure to follow us on social media if you're 1042 00:54:26,680 --> 00:54:29,560 Speaker 1: not already, So the dead as podcast page. I love 1043 00:54:29,600 --> 00:54:32,279 Speaker 1: it because people are starting to engage there and we're 1044 00:54:32,280 --> 00:54:34,880 Speaker 1: trying to post more and stuff there, and the team 1045 00:54:37,920 --> 00:54:40,319 Speaker 1: we would love that, so continue to put stuff on 1046 00:54:40,360 --> 00:54:43,120 Speaker 1: the dead Ass the podcast page. And then of course 1047 00:54:43,200 --> 00:54:45,560 Speaker 1: Cadine I am and I am devouting. If you're listening 1048 00:54:45,600 --> 00:54:49,800 Speaker 1: on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe 1049 00:54:50,400 --> 00:54:53,920 Speaker 1: dead as Dead as dead Ass is a production of 1050 00:54:54,000 --> 00:54:56,560 Speaker 1: I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the 1051 00:54:56,640 --> 00:55:00,719 Speaker 1: Norapinia and follow the podcast on social media at dead 1052 00:55:00,760 --> 00:55:08,000 Speaker 1: as the Podcast and never miss a Thing m