1
00:00:00,320 --> 00:00:03,000
Speaker 1: Brought to you by the reinvented two thousand twelve Camray.

2
00:00:03,240 --> 00:00:10,000
Speaker 1: It's ready. Are you welcome to stuff mom never told you?

3
00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:17,639
Speaker 1: From House Towards dot com. Hey there, and welcome to

4
00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:21,520
Speaker 1: the podcast. And Kristen and I am Molly. So Molly.

5
00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:25,160
Speaker 1: I got some news from one of my best friends.

6
00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:30,440
Speaker 1: Her brother is getting married. She was exciting and little

7
00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:36,360
Speaker 1: interesting tidbit about this is he and his fiancee met online.

8
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,560
Speaker 1: He moved to a big city and he was just

9
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:42,239
Speaker 1: having a hard time like meeting girls. It was just

10
00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:45,360
Speaker 1: kind of just nothing was really working out. So he

11
00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:48,960
Speaker 1: decided to take the plunge, got online, ended up meeting

12
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:52,000
Speaker 1: this girl and they've been together now for I don't know,

13
00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:56,520
Speaker 1: maybe three three years, and now they're getting married. Congratulations

14
00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:58,480
Speaker 1: to them. But they're still kind of keeping it quiet

15
00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:01,680
Speaker 1: that they met online. Yes, not that they're getting married. Yeah, yeah,

16
00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:04,160
Speaker 1: I know they're letting people know they're getting married. But

17
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:07,919
Speaker 1: I don't think that he's told, like his parents, that

18
00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:10,720
Speaker 1: they met online, because they just don't even want to

19
00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:13,360
Speaker 1: have that conversation. They don't even want to, you know,

20
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:16,880
Speaker 1: get the strange looks, you know that sometimes they have

21
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:19,640
Speaker 1: some sort of fake here's how we met story. I

22
00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:21,280
Speaker 1: guess so, yeah, I guess they feel like there might

23
00:01:21,319 --> 00:01:23,959
Speaker 1: be you know, there's still a lingering stigma a little

24
00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:26,080
Speaker 1: bit on online dating. But I think that you could

25
00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:29,720
Speaker 1: also say that it's becoming a lot more commonplace. I

26
00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:33,240
Speaker 1: have friends who are in their early twenties who are

27
00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:36,440
Speaker 1: getting online. Oh yeah, I think everyone knows the success

28
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:39,040
Speaker 1: story of someone who's getting married or at least he's had,

29
00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:41,640
Speaker 1: you know, a good success relationship out of online dating.

30
00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:44,160
Speaker 1: A ton of stories popping up about it lately, So

31
00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:47,720
Speaker 1: we decided to tackle whether online dating works. It's online

32
00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:50,920
Speaker 1: dating work? Did you see those those really casual match

33
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:55,880
Speaker 1: dot com commercials? All those handsome couples who just happened

34
00:01:55,880 --> 00:02:00,600
Speaker 1: to meet online and match perfectly. So maybe there's something

35
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:05,080
Speaker 1: to the you know, the supposed science behind online dating.

36
00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:10,280
Speaker 1: But you know, matchmaking nothing new. Um, it's just online now.

37
00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:12,600
Speaker 1: But what used to happen is there were these uh,

38
00:02:12,919 --> 00:02:16,120
Speaker 1: matrimonial agencies in the seventeen hundreds. We're reading about this

39
00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,239
Speaker 1: in Live Science, and you would place a printed ad

40
00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:22,720
Speaker 1: basically a printed personal ad uh for you know, lonely

41
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:25,320
Speaker 1: bachelors who are looking for wives. But you know it

42
00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:27,880
Speaker 1: was pretty unpopular. It had the sort of stigma that

43
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:31,079
Speaker 1: sometimes online dating still has now. And that's thing that

44
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,600
Speaker 1: kind of waxes in Waynes with the times, according to

45
00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:37,080
Speaker 1: Live Science. Right. According to that article, UM personal ads

46
00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:40,560
Speaker 1: became more popular um in the early twentieth centuries, especially

47
00:02:40,639 --> 00:02:43,639
Speaker 1: during World War One, when you would have these lonely

48
00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:46,520
Speaker 1: soldiers who were just looking for a pen pal or

49
00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:50,600
Speaker 1: a girlfriend or something. It just became a little more mainstream,

50
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:53,080
Speaker 1: became the bohemian thing to do to look for comfort.

51
00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:55,679
Speaker 1: And you know one of my favorite movies, Shop around

52
00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:59,239
Speaker 1: the Corner pen Pals. You know, communitying be a written

53
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:01,920
Speaker 1: word seems very appealing, especially to me. I'm a writer,

54
00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:04,760
Speaker 1: so right, I can understand it. But the police did not.

55
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:07,160
Speaker 1: The police thought that the kind of people who are

56
00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:11,400
Speaker 1: placing these ads were just well, they were trying to

57
00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:15,960
Speaker 1: perpetrate scams. They were perverse, they were dangerous individuals. Police

58
00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:19,959
Speaker 1: in the late sties were thinking this was mainly prostitutes

59
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:23,360
Speaker 1: and gay men placing these ads. But then it becomes

60
00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:27,880
Speaker 1: more acceptable in the nineties with the web. You have

61
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:33,720
Speaker 1: things like Craigslist, you have chat rooms like people being

62
00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:39,040
Speaker 1: a lot more comfortable with divulging personal um information about themselves.

63
00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:41,280
Speaker 1: Now we have things like Facebook where people put up

64
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:45,160
Speaker 1: sometimes far too detailed profiles and pictures that you never

65
00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:50,160
Speaker 1: really wanted to see, the pictures that are far too cousins. Um.

66
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,360
Speaker 1: We just become a lot more comfortable with this idea

67
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:56,200
Speaker 1: of meeting people in general online. So it's a natural

68
00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:58,400
Speaker 1: extension that you would be able to build a profile

69
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:00,880
Speaker 1: much as you would a Facebook profile, just say, make

70
00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:03,560
Speaker 1: the statement I'm looking for love, come find me. Yeah,

71
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:06,560
Speaker 1: and let's and let's face it, dating is not easy, um,

72
00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:11,960
Speaker 1: different in my experience, but it does seem like, you know,

73
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:13,960
Speaker 1: it could take some of the guesswork out of having

74
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,560
Speaker 1: to you know, kiss all the frogs to find your

75
00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:19,920
Speaker 1: prince or princess. Well, it's also convenient, you know, you

76
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:23,640
Speaker 1: can sit at home in your pajamas and be like yes, no, yes, no,

77
00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:26,800
Speaker 1: that seems appealing. And and you know, maybe by the

78
00:04:26,839 --> 00:04:28,640
Speaker 1: time you meet your I know you've got X, Y

79
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:32,160
Speaker 1: and Z in common. Um. And I was to do

80
00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:36,520
Speaker 1: some casual research for this episode. I got on my

81
00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:41,039
Speaker 1: friends match dot com profile just to see how it

82
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,960
Speaker 1: all works. IM only I could if I got on there,

83
00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:48,520
Speaker 1: I would lose hours and hours there's so many different

84
00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:51,640
Speaker 1: ways to slice and dice who's looking at your profile,

85
00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:54,680
Speaker 1: who's interested in you. You can say you know whether

86
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,040
Speaker 1: or not you're interested in them back. You can wink

87
00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:00,880
Speaker 1: at someone. She was telling me that the the protocol

88
00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:04,479
Speaker 1: with winks is if a guy winks you, then you

89
00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:06,800
Speaker 1: can either wink back at him to give him the

90
00:05:06,839 --> 00:05:10,320
Speaker 1: go ahead to email you, or you can just take

91
00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:14,200
Speaker 1: the reins from that wink and contact him directly, which

92
00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:17,880
Speaker 1: just baffles girls. Ever, wink first. I'm sure girls can

93
00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:20,360
Speaker 1: wink first. Ladies, please wink first. I hope that's not

94
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,320
Speaker 1: you know, the girls can't can't wink first. You can

95
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:26,080
Speaker 1: get someone's phone number. There's a thing to click on

96
00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,600
Speaker 1: there to get someone's phone number. And uh, and it

97
00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:33,760
Speaker 1: was kind of funny going through uh, her profile with

98
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,560
Speaker 1: her because she had will send you this list of

99
00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:40,279
Speaker 1: everyone who is interested in you, and so she like

100
00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:42,039
Speaker 1: opened up her inbox with all the people who are

101
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,919
Speaker 1: interested and she just started like clicking through them, like

102
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:49,800
Speaker 1: she was going like gane shopping. He's like no, no, no, maybe,

103
00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:52,600
Speaker 1: oh god, no, no, you know, and it was just

104
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:56,080
Speaker 1: it was kind of fascinating. But these were these guys

105
00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:58,680
Speaker 1: that the site thought that she would get along with. Yeah,

106
00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:00,720
Speaker 1: these were people who you and see I think they

107
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:04,159
Speaker 1: were nineteen attributes that you fill out a lot of, uh,

108
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:09,400
Speaker 1: just physical appearance, uh, lifestyle and habits, political views, whether

109
00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:11,960
Speaker 1: or not you're an animal, leveragees general things about you,

110
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:15,080
Speaker 1: and so it will show you, um how well you

111
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:18,240
Speaker 1: match up to someone else in all of those characteristics

112
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:21,840
Speaker 1: and match dot Com I think sends you, um like

113
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:25,239
Speaker 1: their own lists of uh that they've called of people

114
00:06:25,279 --> 00:06:27,960
Speaker 1: you might be interested in based on your shared interests.

115
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,960
Speaker 1: And then I think people can just randomly, you know,

116
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,880
Speaker 1: see your picture and thinks that you're you're you're hottie

117
00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:36,560
Speaker 1: and wink wink. But see, this is interesting. This is

118
00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:39,480
Speaker 1: where online doing has gotten really high tech lately. Like,

119
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,719
Speaker 1: you know, being matched up on the basis of like

120
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:44,719
Speaker 1: do you smoke not smoke? Kind of a basic thing.

121
00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:46,960
Speaker 1: But now if you go to some of these sites,

122
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:52,040
Speaker 1: you take you know, very long questionnaires on all sorts

123
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:55,039
Speaker 1: of things that you are, about the essence of you

124
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:58,040
Speaker 1: and to under forty eight questions, and that's what they

125
00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:01,080
Speaker 1: used to match you up. It's become very uh high tech.

126
00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:04,000
Speaker 1: They're all these secret algorithms and people are trying to

127
00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:06,560
Speaker 1: wonder is there real science behind this or is it

128
00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:09,840
Speaker 1: just a huge money making scheme, because you can't deny

129
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:12,400
Speaker 1: that money is being made. Uh. According to some recent

130
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:16,160
Speaker 1: data from an investment research firm called Piper Jeffrey, Americans

131
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,920
Speaker 1: spent one point to billion on online matching sites in

132
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:22,400
Speaker 1: two thousand eight, and the company's predicting that by are

133
00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:24,440
Speaker 1: going to be at one point seven billion. Well, it

134
00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:28,280
Speaker 1: sounds all the advertisements do sound pretty appealing. If you

135
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:31,040
Speaker 1: you know a company like let's take e harmony dot

136
00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:33,120
Speaker 1: com for instance. I think they're one of one of

137
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,320
Speaker 1: the most famous for their secret algorithm that I think

138
00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:40,520
Speaker 1: they were going to try to patent at some point UM.

139
00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:43,360
Speaker 1: And and the way they derived their algorithm was they

140
00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:48,720
Speaker 1: took personality profiles of five thousand married couples and then

141
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:53,560
Speaker 1: they scored their personality types UM and compared that to

142
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:58,080
Speaker 1: their level of reported marital happiness UM according to something

143
00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:02,400
Speaker 1: called the die datic Ajustment scale. And then from that

144
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:07,080
Speaker 1: they created these twenty nine core traits and vital attributes

145
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:09,920
Speaker 1: that they supposedly match people by. And I think you

146
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,640
Speaker 1: have to go through once you joined it, you you

147
00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:16,160
Speaker 1: answer two fifty eight questions that sums up your core

148
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:21,720
Speaker 1: traits and vital attributes, and uh, somehow, you know, magic happens.

149
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:24,600
Speaker 1: You know, one of my friends who used said that

150
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:27,360
Speaker 1: she was willing to use this one because the fact

151
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:29,720
Speaker 1: that you had to spend time answering all those questions

152
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,680
Speaker 1: at least proved that the people who are there wanted

153
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:33,560
Speaker 1: to be there. Yeah, you weren't just filling out a

154
00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:37,200
Speaker 1: random another profile to add to your repertoire. But at

155
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:38,960
Speaker 1: the same time, I think we do have to mention

156
00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:43,040
Speaker 1: that e harmony um has gotten a lot of flak

157
00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:50,280
Speaker 1: because this algorithm does not take into account uh, homosexual

158
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:54,199
Speaker 1: people like the they can't actually join the site, and

159
00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:58,559
Speaker 1: the Harmony says, well, we just used um only heterosexual

160
00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:01,360
Speaker 1: couples in our reas search to derive the algorithms, so

161
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,920
Speaker 1: it can't really fit. At the same time, it's definitely

162
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,400
Speaker 1: been a big PR problem for them. Yeah, and the

163
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,880
Speaker 1: PR problem that it seems like all these companies currently

164
00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:10,959
Speaker 1: face on office will change in the future is that

165
00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:13,560
Speaker 1: no one since they haven't seen the algorithms, there's no

166
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:16,359
Speaker 1: way for it to be subject to a peer review process.

167
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:20,200
Speaker 1: Other scientists and sociologists, psychologists, all these people who would

168
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:23,360
Speaker 1: know about whether these algorithms work in terms of compatibility

169
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:25,320
Speaker 1: can't get their hands on it to review. But the

170
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:28,560
Speaker 1: only you know, measures of success e Harmony has released

171
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:31,360
Speaker 1: other than the commercials that tell all the weddings that

172
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:34,760
Speaker 1: people are having um is one study that compared happiness

173
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:37,120
Speaker 1: between couples who had met on the site and couples

174
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,320
Speaker 1: who hadn't met on the site, and they were concluding

175
00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:41,240
Speaker 1: that people who had met on the site were much

176
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:44,560
Speaker 1: happier than the other couples. But they were comparing couples

177
00:09:44,559 --> 00:09:47,120
Speaker 1: who have been you know, married for six months versus

178
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:49,880
Speaker 1: two years, and so the couples that have married two

179
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:52,040
Speaker 1: years might have been a little more settled out of

180
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:54,760
Speaker 1: that newly wet phase and as a result, that might

181
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,880
Speaker 1: have been why they're reporting less happiness. But and I

182
00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:00,240
Speaker 1: also think that the Harmony tried to claim that, uh,

183
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:03,960
Speaker 1: they were responsible for something like two of all of

184
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:07,240
Speaker 1: the weddings that happened in the US, like I think

185
00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:09,400
Speaker 1: last year, I think a hundred and twenty weddings a

186
00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:12,080
Speaker 1: day or something like that, or the Harmony weddings, which

187
00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:16,280
Speaker 1: seems pretty impressive. But Helen Fisher over at Chemistry dot com.

188
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:19,080
Speaker 1: We talked about Helen Fisher in episode UM entitled why

189
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:22,320
Speaker 1: is the Sizzle Fizzle. She she's an anthropologist who studies

190
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:26,280
Speaker 1: kind of the the science of love and UH, and

191
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:29,840
Speaker 1: she's trying to get her formula for chemistry dot com

192
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:34,640
Speaker 1: peer reviewed because what she's done is UM taken psychological

193
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:38,400
Speaker 1: and sociological measures and compared that with the levels of

194
00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:42,280
Speaker 1: certain UM chemicals in your brains such as UH, dopamine

195
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:46,599
Speaker 1: and nor pephrin that all contribute to um our behavior

196
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:49,840
Speaker 1: when we are in love. And has UH kind of

197
00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:55,360
Speaker 1: broken that out into these uh different personality types, like

198
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:59,520
Speaker 1: I think, UM, there are things like builders and a

199
00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:01,600
Speaker 1: lot of a tone in you're a builder, Yeah, if

200
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:05,000
Speaker 1: you have testoster and you're a director, and they're also

201
00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:08,600
Speaker 1: explorers and negotiators. And she's basically found that people who

202
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:12,640
Speaker 1: are explorers, tentific explorers, builders choose builders, while it's directors

203
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:15,080
Speaker 1: and negotiators select each other. So you know, she's saying,

204
00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:17,840
Speaker 1: I can use these chemicals in the brain to predict

205
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,520
Speaker 1: who's going to get along. But like the other sites,

206
00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:24,440
Speaker 1: not currently peera viewed, but there have been a lot

207
00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:29,120
Speaker 1: of other studies peer viewed studies on online dating behavior

208
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:33,280
Speaker 1: and whether or not it really might work. And you know, Kristen,

209
00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:35,360
Speaker 1: when we were researching this, some of the studies I

210
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:38,160
Speaker 1: was most interested in were these studies about whether people

211
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:41,320
Speaker 1: are honest online because this is a pretty big, maybe

212
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:44,080
Speaker 1: mental hurdle for a lot of people. You know, we

213
00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:46,360
Speaker 1: already know that when people are online, they feel they

214
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:49,440
Speaker 1: can say and do anything, so naturally, if you're trying

215
00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:52,600
Speaker 1: to catch a fella, catch a nice lady, you might lie.

216
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,520
Speaker 1: And they're finding that people, yes, do lie. About half

217
00:11:55,520 --> 00:12:00,280
Speaker 1: of the men lie about their height, more than sixty

218
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,240
Speaker 1: percent of participants skew their weight by five pounds or more.

219
00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:05,560
Speaker 1: And you know, then there are always correlations that the

220
00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:08,199
Speaker 1: people who are shorter and more out of shape are

221
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,920
Speaker 1: more likely to lie. I mean, it seems fairly obvious,

222
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,040
Speaker 1: but it does happen. There was one steer that showed

223
00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:14,960
Speaker 1: the men are mostly going to be you know, a

224
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:19,240
Speaker 1: little bit deceptive about their income, their height, age, and

225
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:24,239
Speaker 1: troubling le marital status. Yeah, there was one disturbing statistic

226
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:27,920
Speaker 1: about the number of men on on these sides who

227
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:31,720
Speaker 1: are already married ladies. So just to be aware note

228
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:34,400
Speaker 1: of caution, and women were just more likely to lie

229
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:36,120
Speaker 1: about their appearance. But you know, then you've got other

230
00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:38,560
Speaker 1: people coming in saying who doesn't lie at the beginning

231
00:12:38,559 --> 00:12:41,320
Speaker 1: of a relationship. Yeah. One thing I noticed when I

232
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:45,000
Speaker 1: was reading these match dot Com profiles was they were

233
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:49,600
Speaker 1: all so just, you know, breezy and casual, you know,

234
00:12:49,679 --> 00:12:52,600
Speaker 1: everyone like you could just there's always like this boilerplate

235
00:12:52,679 --> 00:12:54,960
Speaker 1: statement of you know, I just you know, I'm really

236
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:57,360
Speaker 1: just looking for love, I want to soulmate and just

237
00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,560
Speaker 1: someone to you know, go to dinner with on a

238
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:04,440
Speaker 1: Tuesday night. I mean just like really just out there,

239
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:07,800
Speaker 1: like very very straightforward at the same time, like you know,

240
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:11,760
Speaker 1: just trying to appear as normal as possible, because that's

241
00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:13,800
Speaker 1: the kind of statement that would not seem normal if

242
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:15,559
Speaker 1: a guy came up to at a bar and was like,

243
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,400
Speaker 1: looking for love, want to be my soul mate, really

244
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:20,160
Speaker 1: want a soul mate. So, on the one hand, you

245
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,320
Speaker 1: have people who can be very honest about what they're

246
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:25,360
Speaker 1: looking for. On the other hand, maybe not so honest

247
00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:28,880
Speaker 1: about uh who they are. But at the same time,

248
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,040
Speaker 1: how are we evaluating that. Obviously, in the back of

249
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:32,920
Speaker 1: our head we know that each profile we look at

250
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:36,600
Speaker 1: may not be particularly honest, but I was interested by

251
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:40,280
Speaker 1: these things about how people evaluate the profiles, which they

252
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:42,199
Speaker 1: started looking at after they realized that a lot of

253
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:45,679
Speaker 1: people would join these sites and become disenchanted very quickly.

254
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,560
Speaker 1: They would you know, quit the site, not go on

255
00:13:47,559 --> 00:13:51,560
Speaker 1: any dates. There's one statistic from the New York Times that, um,

256
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:54,000
Speaker 1: you know, people who are looking at profiles only go

257
00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:56,720
Speaker 1: on dates with fewer than one percent of the people

258
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:59,280
Speaker 1: whose profiles they look at. And then they often claim

259
00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:01,760
Speaker 1: these dates are just appointments. So they started looking at

260
00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:05,600
Speaker 1: why this was. A group of researchers from Harvard Business School,

261
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,400
Speaker 1: Boston University, and M I. T started looking at all

262
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:12,600
Speaker 1: this online dating behavior and uh. They they found that

263
00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:17,600
Speaker 1: people often create unrealistic expectations that are just setting them

264
00:14:17,679 --> 00:14:21,920
Speaker 1: up for failure. Because you see this profile of someone,

265
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:23,880
Speaker 1: you know, let's take you say, I'm looking for a

266
00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:26,920
Speaker 1: guy I find. You know, he just looks so handsome

267
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,680
Speaker 1: and all those photos. He seems very well adjusted, he

268
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:33,040
Speaker 1: has a very nice reading list. I like that he kayaks,

269
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:35,440
Speaker 1: you know, so we finally he winks at me, I

270
00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:38,280
Speaker 1: wink at M back, and you know, we have magical

271
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:41,040
Speaker 1: trail of emails and uh, and then we finally go

272
00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:43,320
Speaker 1: out on a date, and I built him up so

273
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,200
Speaker 1: much in my mind that I'm just kind of doomed

274
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:48,400
Speaker 1: to failure because they were saying that you need to

275
00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:53,160
Speaker 1: leave a little mystery to h actually make dating, the

276
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,760
Speaker 1: actual person to person process of dating a little more exciting.

277
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:59,520
Speaker 1: It's like, we put so much information out there, it's

278
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:03,600
Speaker 1: just not as much of a fun game. And if

279
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:06,760
Speaker 1: you're pre judging that information they found, you know, they

280
00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:09,400
Speaker 1: gave online data to a list of attributes, some of

281
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:11,440
Speaker 1: which they felt described them as well and some of

282
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:14,880
Speaker 1: which didn't. And if the first attribute that they stuck

283
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:18,400
Speaker 1: up there didn't jive with the person who saw it,

284
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:21,680
Speaker 1: they were much more likely to negatively judge all the

285
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:24,600
Speaker 1: adjectives that followed, even if all the other adjectives and

286
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:27,120
Speaker 1: qualities that followed were exactly what they were looking for.

287
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:30,320
Speaker 1: As soon as they spotted that one flaw, they're like, nope,

288
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:32,520
Speaker 1: out of here, next one. Yeah, it's just a domino

289
00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:35,840
Speaker 1: effect until you just it's like my friend but who

290
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,200
Speaker 1: was just like clicking through she would see an attribute

291
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:40,280
Speaker 1: she didn't like, and it was just like done, done, done.

292
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:44,400
Speaker 1: And some people think that this is this is a problem,

293
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:47,600
Speaker 1: this is creating just kind of a throwaway culture. Um,

294
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:51,000
Speaker 1: we already have a divorce rate, and this kind of

295
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:53,200
Speaker 1: behavior is only going to intensify that. There was an

296
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:56,840
Speaker 1: article in Scientific American UM by Robert Epstein and he

297
00:15:56,960 --> 00:16:00,240
Speaker 1: was referring to this as the click problem. I thought

298
00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:03,240
Speaker 1: it was he was concerned to the fact that not only, um,

299
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:07,520
Speaker 1: are you kind of dating in a socially isolated environment

300
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:09,600
Speaker 1: because you're sitting in front of a computer, but you're

301
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:12,000
Speaker 1: also given all these options that you can just you know,

302
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:15,120
Speaker 1: toss people away with a click. Yeah, as soon as

303
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:17,120
Speaker 1: you as soon as you're done, you're out of there.

304
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:18,920
Speaker 1: And you know, it seems like there are all these

305
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:21,440
Speaker 1: other fish in the see. But you can become overwhelmed

306
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:24,840
Speaker 1: by that much choice is another thing that people are saying, Um,

307
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,360
Speaker 1: you know you just read and read these profiles and

308
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:29,680
Speaker 1: you never actually follow up on them. Yeah. There was

309
00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:34,080
Speaker 1: UM one study that was discussed in UM Technology Review

310
00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:36,720
Speaker 1: from M. I. T. And it was saying that, uh,

311
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:40,600
Speaker 1: you have so many choices that users experience something called

312
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:44,800
Speaker 1: cognitive overload. It's like you just you can't even make

313
00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:47,760
Speaker 1: a good decision because you have so many choices in

314
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,880
Speaker 1: front of you. And I think that probably what what

315
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,560
Speaker 1: part of this might stem from is that we do

316
00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:56,000
Speaker 1: hear all these success stories like your friend, UM, I

317
00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:58,400
Speaker 1: have friends like this, So we we hear these success stories.

318
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:00,400
Speaker 1: And I think once you make that, men to herdle

319
00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:02,000
Speaker 1: and say Okay, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna go

320
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:04,920
Speaker 1: online and date, and when it doesn't happen as easily

321
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,879
Speaker 1: as you know it seems like it happens for your friends,

322
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:10,399
Speaker 1: become very frustrated very quickly, right because you think that

323
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:13,479
Speaker 1: the biggest benefit of online dating is that you can

324
00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:15,160
Speaker 1: just you know, you can just cut to the chase.

325
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:17,560
Speaker 1: You can find that guy who has your you know,

326
00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:19,520
Speaker 1: the list of attributes that you want, and you guys

327
00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:21,240
Speaker 1: can meet, you can fall in love and it's going

328
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:24,879
Speaker 1: to be magical. But there was one point raised by

329
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:29,359
Speaker 1: UM a psychologist named Eli Finkel at Northwestern University, and

330
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:33,520
Speaker 1: he was saying that we might be making impossible shopping

331
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:36,560
Speaker 1: lists for a mate because we now have the ability to,

332
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:38,679
Speaker 1: you know, try to like hone in on what we

333
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:41,360
Speaker 1: think is going to be the perfect person. When when

334
00:17:41,359 --> 00:17:44,000
Speaker 1: it boils right down to it, sometimes you know, you

335
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,560
Speaker 1: really can't explain love. You can't boil love down to

336
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:50,359
Speaker 1: two fifty eight questions despite all our attempts to explain

337
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:53,199
Speaker 1: love on podcasts. Uh So, I think the really the

338
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:55,840
Speaker 1: takeaway is that online dating can work. I mean, you

339
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:57,560
Speaker 1: have to stick with it just as long as you

340
00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:00,600
Speaker 1: would stick with real life you know, in real life dating. Right.

341
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,439
Speaker 1: That was all that was one of the conclusions from

342
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,240
Speaker 1: one of these studies. It was just that the rules

343
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:07,000
Speaker 1: of online dating and real life dating are the same.

344
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:12,080
Speaker 1: You just have to have in front different form of communication.

345
00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:14,760
Speaker 1: Kiss your frogs, wait for your prince or princess, wait

346
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:18,720
Speaker 1: for your wings. But while you are waiting for those wings,

347
00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:20,800
Speaker 1: if you do have a you know, a lull. One

348
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:23,120
Speaker 1: one good thing to do to take up some time

349
00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:25,639
Speaker 1: is read. Are we gonna do reading? We are fans

350
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:28,320
Speaker 1: of reading here at stuff Mom never told you, And

351
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:31,480
Speaker 1: now you guys have been sending in your reading lists

352
00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:34,399
Speaker 1: per our request. Thank you very much, And so I

353
00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:39,720
Speaker 1: am going to read Sheila in Virginia Beaches reading list.

354
00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:43,320
Speaker 1: She has split her summer reading into three sections, which

355
00:18:43,359 --> 00:18:46,480
Speaker 1: I'm very impressed with. Sheila. For social studies, she's reading

356
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:50,359
Speaker 1: Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell, Bonk by Mary Roach, and the

357
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:53,920
Speaker 1: Mirror Effect by Drew Pinski and s. Martin Young, and

358
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:57,520
Speaker 1: then an Undead fiction. She is reading Pride and Prejudice

359
00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:01,200
Speaker 1: in Zombies by Jane Austen and Seth Graham Smith. She's

360
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:05,040
Speaker 1: reading Breathers, a Zombies Lament by S. G. Brown, and

361
00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:09,040
Speaker 1: then she's reading blood Sucking Fiends by Christopher Moore. And

362
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:12,520
Speaker 1: then finally the third section is soccer. She's gonna read

363
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:16,640
Speaker 1: The Beckham Experiment by Grant Wall Finn mccool's Football Club

364
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:20,400
Speaker 1: by Stephen ray An Outcasts United by Warren st. John.

365
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:23,600
Speaker 1: Very interesting. That's about UH soccer team not too far

366
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:27,280
Speaker 1: from here in Atlanta, refugees. I'm interesting. I'm interested in

367
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:29,000
Speaker 1: that book as well. Yeah, So if you got any

368
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:30,800
Speaker 1: reading list you want to send us, or if you

369
00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:35,000
Speaker 1: have any thoughts on online dating, any success stories, horror stories,

370
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:37,040
Speaker 1: Molly and I would love to hear them, so you

371
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:39,880
Speaker 1: should send us an email at mom stuff at how

372
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:43,760
Speaker 1: stuff works dot com. And as always, you can check

373
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:48,119
Speaker 1: out our blog called how to stuff. And if you

374
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:51,320
Speaker 1: want to learn more about UH finding love and the

375
00:19:51,359 --> 00:19:54,040
Speaker 1: chemistry of love and how kissing works and all of that,

376
00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:57,040
Speaker 1: you should just head on over to how stuff Works

377
00:19:57,080 --> 00:20:03,719
Speaker 1: dot com. For more on this and thousands of other topics,

378
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:11,119
Speaker 1: visit how staff works dot com. Brought to you by

379
00:20:11,119 --> 00:20:14,520
Speaker 1: the reinvented two thousand twelve Camry. It's ready, Are you