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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of

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Speaker 1: You Need Therapy. My name is Cat and I am

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Speaker 1: your host, and I'm glad you're here. Glad you made

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Speaker 1: it back, or glad you made it here for the

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Speaker 1: first time. Before we get into anything, just a quick

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Speaker 1: reminder that this is not therapy, just a place for

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Speaker 1: you to hear about therapy and learn about some concepts

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Speaker 1: that might encourage you to go to therapy. I hope

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Speaker 1: we're all doing great today, or you know what, Actually,

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Speaker 1: I take that back. I hope we are all having

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Speaker 1: the day that we need to have. Sometimes that looks

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Speaker 1: like great. Sometimes it looks like a ship show. You know,

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Speaker 1: it is what it is. I'm really excited this week

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Speaker 1: because what I'm gonna make this intro super short because

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Speaker 1: the episode is just so good and juicy and full

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Speaker 1: of so much good stuff. I have somebody coming back

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Speaker 1: for the second time. You have probably heard of her

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Speaker 1: if you're a fan of the podcast. Her name is

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Speaker 1: Aubrey Aubrey hundred Sin, and she is awesome. She is

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Speaker 1: somebody who actually went to grad school one year below

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Speaker 1: me at Vanderbilt, and she since has moved to New

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Speaker 1: York City with her family and is a self worth coach,

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Speaker 1: which is different than a therapist. But the really cool

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Speaker 1: thing about her is that she went to the same

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Speaker 1: training as I did, So she just is really smart

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Speaker 1: and she's just really great. I was telling her after

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Speaker 1: we recorded. She's just like a unique individual in the

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Speaker 1: fact that she is great at what she does, not

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Speaker 1: just because she's great at what she does, because she

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Speaker 1: has like more training and more understanding and more knowledge

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Speaker 1: than an average coach. And she found what she loves

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Speaker 1: to do and the clients that she loves to work with,

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Speaker 1: and she sticks to that, which is what the goal is.

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Speaker 1: She just does it so well. I just love her

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Speaker 1: and I really look up to her, and I think

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Speaker 1: she is just great and so many aspects. So the

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Speaker 1: last time she came on, we talked about befriending our

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Speaker 1: inner critic and what that means and how to do

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Speaker 1: that and if you haven't listened to that episode, go

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Speaker 1: back and give that a sin. And this week she

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Speaker 1: comes and talks to us about breaking up with people

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Speaker 1: pleasing and oh my gosh, is this like needed more

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Speaker 1: than ever now, especially after the episode I did on Codependency.

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of people are like, oh, gosh,

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Speaker 1: I have some work to do. This is a great

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Speaker 1: place to start, a great conversation to start with. So

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Speaker 1: before I introduced the conversation, I just want to let

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Speaker 1: you know you can find her on Instagram at ah Bree.

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Speaker 1: I love her Instagram name. It's a four h is

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Speaker 1: b r E. She's amazing. Also, while you're at it,

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Speaker 1: you can find me at cat dot de fata and

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Speaker 1: the podcast at at You Need Therapy podcast, So go

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Speaker 1: follow her. A lot of great info and stuff on

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Speaker 1: there for you to find and you can work with

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Speaker 1: her no matter where you live because she used a

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Speaker 1: coach and doesn't practice as a therapist, so that's awesome.

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Speaker 1: Any who. Any Who, I don't think I have ever

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Speaker 1: said that before. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this conversation

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Speaker 1: hearing it just as much as I enjoyed having it.

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Speaker 1: And we already are in plans of having her on

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Speaker 1: for the next thing because some stuff came up for

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Speaker 1: me as we were talking. So enjoy her, love her,

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Speaker 1: and thank you for being here. Here's my conversation with Aubrey.

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Speaker 1: All right, everybody, we have Aubrey back again for the

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Speaker 1: second time. She came and talked to us. I think

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Speaker 1: it was October and we did an episode on befriending

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Speaker 1: your inner critic, and if you haven't listened to that,

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Speaker 1: go back and do that because it was very good

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Speaker 1: and I referenced that a lot even in sessions with

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Speaker 1: clients and give it as homework for them to listen to.

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Speaker 1: And it's been really helpful for people. So you're back again. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's great, you're back again. And today we'll probably talk

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Speaker 1: about a lot of things. But as a self worth coach,

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Speaker 1: for you, one of the things that you focus on is,

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Speaker 1: you could say, breaking up with people pleasing. That's a

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Speaker 1: thing that you help people do, and so I want

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Speaker 1: to talk about what that means, how you even do that,

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Speaker 1: why we need to do that, And I think it

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Speaker 1: is very timely now because we just released an episode

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Speaker 1: maybe two weeks ago about codependency. Where should we start

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Speaker 1: with this, like why we need to do it or

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Speaker 1: what even is people pleasing? So as a self worth coach,

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Speaker 1: folks come to me because they are, you know, struggling

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Speaker 1: with something under the umbrella of self worth, which is

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Speaker 1: a big umbrella, right, so it can be literally anything

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Speaker 1: from I struggle with my self confidence at work, and

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Speaker 1: need to advocate for myself more to like, I don't

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Speaker 1: know how to ask for what I need in relationships too,

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Speaker 1: I don't know what I want out of my life

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Speaker 1: and you know, so it's it's a whole range of things.

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Speaker 1: But something that tends to be a common thread for

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Speaker 1: folks that I work with is this trait of people pleasing.

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Speaker 1: And I feel like it's a term that we throw

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Speaker 1: around a lot, and a lot of us have like

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Speaker 1: a sense of what we feel like it means for us.

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Speaker 1: But when I talk about people pleasing, I'm basically talking

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Speaker 1: about someone who has an emo snel sort of need

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Speaker 1: or pull to please others, and particularly at the expense

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Speaker 1: of their own needs or desires. So somebody who is

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Speaker 1: always mindful of how their behavior is going to you know,

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Speaker 1: please or or displease others, and wanting to keep other

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Speaker 1: people happy. And it's something that a lot of people

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Speaker 1: struggle with two differing degrees, right, And it's something that's

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Speaker 1: interesting because it's it's so tied up in so many things.

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Speaker 1: It can be different based on how you were raised,

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Speaker 1: it can be different based on how you were socialized,

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Speaker 1: to your gender. I tend to work mostly with women,

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Speaker 1: not all women, but a majority of my clients were

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Speaker 1: socialized as women, identify as women and feel this poll

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Speaker 1: particularly hard right to be a people pleaser, to kind

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Speaker 1: of have your behavior, you know, be what is going

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Speaker 1: to make other people happy, keep other people comfortable, yes, yes,

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Speaker 1: keeping other people comfortable, and but at the expense of

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Speaker 1: you know, what what you want or what you need,

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Speaker 1: which I think is is the key. You know. I

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Speaker 1: do have clients come to me and say, you know,

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Speaker 1: I'm a people pleaser, but like, I don't want to

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Speaker 1: like become mean or callous or not care about other people.

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Speaker 1: So when I'm you know, working with folks and coaching them,

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Speaker 1: and I'm gonna you know, help them as you as

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Speaker 1: you mentioned, I you know, I want to help folks

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Speaker 1: to break up with people pleasing and really kind of

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Speaker 1: detach from this sort of pattern of behavior. People's responses

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Speaker 1: like wait, wait, wait, are you gonna like, are you

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Speaker 1: going to turn me me? Like, am I gonna have

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Speaker 1: to like not be kind to people? And the goal

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Speaker 1: is not you know, to stop caring about other people, right,

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Speaker 1: or to stop to stop being mindful of what would

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Speaker 1: make people in your life feel okay or happy, you know,

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Speaker 1: You're still going to think about those things, but it's

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Speaker 1: not to prioritize those things over what matters to you

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Speaker 1: and what's important to you and what makes you feel

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Speaker 1: good and well and safe and all of those things.

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Speaker 1: And that's really the key is when we start to

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Speaker 1: prioritize other people's needs, other people's comfort, other people's preferences

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Speaker 1: for us over what we need and what we want.

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Speaker 1: That is one of the biggest pushbacks I hear when

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Speaker 1: I'm talking with no matter who it is, a client

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Speaker 1: or just a person in the world of like, well,

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Speaker 1: that sounds mean, because especially people pleasing to have a

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Speaker 1: lot to do with boundary work, which I'm sure we'll

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Speaker 1: talk about, but it's like that sounds mean. Who created

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Speaker 1: the idea that saying no is mean or unconned? Where

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Speaker 1: did that start? Is it just in our culture? But

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Speaker 1: that is one of the hardest concepts for people to

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Speaker 1: understand that saying I can't do that or I don't

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Speaker 1: have that in me, or that's actually not something that

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Speaker 1: I can take on or want right now, is not

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Speaker 1: you being an asshole? Yeah? And I mean, this is

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Speaker 1: something I talk about a lot, is the difference between

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Speaker 1: being nice and being kind. Let's talk about that. I

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Speaker 1: think there's often a gender component to this, of the

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Speaker 1: this way that we're socialized and largely as women, to

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Speaker 1: be nice and to show up in a way that

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Speaker 1: is palatable. Right, And I think we think about being

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Speaker 1: nice is like we conflate that with being kind, But

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Speaker 1: there are two different things. Being nice is about being pulled,

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Speaker 1: is about not making anybody uncomfortable. Is about being seen

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Speaker 1: and not heard. Is about performing for others and you know,

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Speaker 1: not making too much noise, not causing trouble, and being

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Speaker 1: kind is something different. Being kind is about, yes, being

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Speaker 1: mindful of other people and making sure other people are

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Speaker 1: kept safe. You're considering other people's needs and boundaries too.

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Speaker 1: But being kind is telling the truth, right. Being kind

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Speaker 1: is being honest. You know, we talk about people pleasing

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Speaker 1: and how will prioritize other people's needs all day long,

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Speaker 1: and then we feel resentful at the end of the day. Right.

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Speaker 1: The reality is that if we're constantly prioritizing someone else

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Speaker 1: over ourselves, then we're going to feel resentful towards that person.

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Speaker 1: There's going to be anger that's building up, and that

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Speaker 1: person might have no idea because we're not communicating it,

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Speaker 1: which is also in its own way unkind because we

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Speaker 1: are building up resentment, we are building up feelings of anger,

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Speaker 1: and we're not making our needs known, and there's a

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Speaker 1: level of dishonesty to that. And I think we sort

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Speaker 1: of demonize the idea of said boundaries and of naming

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Speaker 1: our needs because we're taught that that's like high maintenance, right,

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Speaker 1: that that's asking for too much, when in reality, it

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Speaker 1: is a kind act to set a boundary with someone

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Speaker 1: because you are you are telling that person this is

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Speaker 1: the instruction manual for how to treat me, right, This

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Speaker 1: is the instruction manual for me to feel good about

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Speaker 1: our relationship and our interactions, and it also sets the

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Speaker 1: stage for that person to be able to do the

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Speaker 1: same in return. And so setting boundaries often isn't nice, right,

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Speaker 1: and I'm doing big air quotes. It's not nice, but

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Speaker 1: it is kind, you know, But we we think of

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Speaker 1: it as being this very rude, mean thing to do

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Speaker 1: because because it asks something of someone else, and you know,

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Speaker 1: we're socialized to not to echo everything you said right there.

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Speaker 1: And I want to talk about because what popped into

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Speaker 1: my head is I don't know that men have this

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Speaker 1: issue as much. I'm not a man, so I don't

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Speaker 1: know if that is a percent accurate. But do you

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Speaker 1: see as much of an issue men saying I'm afraid

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Speaker 1: I'm not gonna I'm gonna be mean or whatever. I

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Speaker 1: don't think they're even thinking about the difference between nice

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Speaker 1: and kind. I just whatever. But for women, it is

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Speaker 1: this idea that we need to be these like pleasant, friendly,

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Speaker 1: like those are the adjectives that are coming to my head.

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Speaker 1: It's like, I want to be pleasant, I want to

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Speaker 1: be friendly, I want to be bubbly, I want to

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Speaker 1: be and like I am those things I think authentically.

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Speaker 1: But have you seen this as generally an issue that

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Speaker 1: comes up more in that aspect. I'm thinking that especially

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Speaker 1: because on TikTok there's so many um which I'm totally

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Speaker 1: one of those people that's like I'm never getting a TikTok,

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Speaker 1: And now I'm like, okay, there's actually some good shape

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Speaker 1: on TikTok. But there's all those videos that are coming

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Speaker 1: around of like that are showing like females sending emails

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Speaker 1: in the workplace or whatever, and it's like, hey, they're

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Speaker 1: exclamation point. I hope you're doing great. Exclamation point. I

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Speaker 1: just wanted to maybe see if possibly we can instead

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Speaker 1: of like, uh, the guy would just be like, hey,

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Speaker 1: I need hey do this, right, So, which also isn't mean,

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Speaker 1: that's not mean, that's just being a professional. Right. So yeah,

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Speaker 1: do you see that generally? What does that look like?

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Speaker 1: I know you work mostly with women, but as you're

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Speaker 1: saying the differences, that's a great question. I mean, I

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Speaker 1: will say with the caveat that, you know, regardless of gender,

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Speaker 1: if someone is gravitating towards me as their coach and

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Speaker 1: just kind of my general ethos and the stuff that

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Speaker 1: they know that I'm you know, there to support with,

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Speaker 1: it's going to be someone who is acknowledging that they're

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Speaker 1: struggling with this. Right. So, you know, even folks who

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Speaker 1: come to work with me who wouldn't identify as women,

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Speaker 1: which includes folks whay identify as men, there's the this

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Speaker 1: element of they are struggling with it. If you're coming

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Speaker 1: to me with that said, majority of the folks that

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Speaker 1: I work with our women, and you know, when I

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Speaker 1: am working with men, we talk about the gender element

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Speaker 1: a lot. It's something that comes up often because there

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Speaker 1: is this acknowledgement. I mean, I was talking to a

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Speaker 1: client about this recently, that there is this acknowledgement of

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Speaker 1: recognition that is a gendered component to this. There is

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Speaker 1: a way that as women, we are socialized to be

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Speaker 1: softer and to be easier, to get more digestible, you know,

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Speaker 1: easier for folks to receive. And it's it's so wild

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Speaker 1: to even like describe it out loud because it feels

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Speaker 1: like very archaic, but it very much is present and

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Speaker 1: real in the way that we feel like we have

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Speaker 1: to show up as being low maintenance, as being easy.

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Speaker 1: Oh I can, you know, I can do whatever. It's

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Speaker 1: totally fine. It's like like you're saying with the with

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Speaker 1: the TikTok's about how we like even feel like we

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Speaker 1: have to write emails to like be like light and

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Speaker 1: bubbly and fun and like totally okay if you can't

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Speaker 1: get to it today, like it's not a big deal,

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Speaker 1: when actually it is quite a big deal. So I think,

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Speaker 1: you know, I think it's I think it's something that

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Speaker 1: is a a particular challenge for women in the way

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Speaker 1: that we're socialized. Now that's not to say that men

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Speaker 1: are exempt from it, you know, certainly, but you know,

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Speaker 1: when I work with men who struggle with this. It's

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Speaker 1: it has tended to be in my experience more about

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Speaker 1: you know, kind of like an early family environment, which

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Speaker 1: I think is true for a lot of this, regardless

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Speaker 1: of gender. Right, that often when you talk to someone

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Speaker 1: who really struggles with people pleasing, it's been an issue

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Speaker 1: since childhood. It's been something that we kind of learned

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Speaker 1: our role in a family system often by people pleasing.

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Speaker 1: And you know, which is something that is also true

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Speaker 1: of codependency, right, And they're they're different concepts but closely

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Speaker 1: linked together. But it's it's something that you know, you

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Speaker 1: can look back often from a young age and see that, oh,

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Speaker 1: this is this is the role that I played was

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Speaker 1: to keep everybody else comfortable and happy. And so this

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Speaker 1: is the role that I now play into adulthood and

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Speaker 1: that often ends up falling on women. And you know,

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Speaker 1: as I'm sitting here thinking there could even be a

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Speaker 1: whole other aspect of if I'm a man, I struggle

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Speaker 1: with this, it feels like I shouldn't. Yep, that's a

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Speaker 1: whole another element. I like the I like that you said,

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Speaker 1: like it feels archaic that this is even a concept

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Speaker 1: that we're talking about, because to me. It is it's

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Speaker 1: like weight, haven't we progressed? But then like maybe we

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Speaker 1: didn't all the way like we have, there's still some

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Speaker 1: work to do and that well, and it's hard because

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Speaker 1: I think we can. You know, so many of the

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Speaker 1: clients that I work with, and again, like some of

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Speaker 1: this is my I'm like an outspoken feminist. My orientation

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Speaker 1: outwardly is like very progressive. So again, clients who are

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Speaker 1: working with me often see themselves in that, and so

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Speaker 1: we kind of share that view. And then there's a

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Speaker 1: sense of shame around that too. There's a whole another

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Speaker 1: layer of like ship like I'm I want to be

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Speaker 1: past this. I'm you know, like I'm somebody who wants

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Speaker 1: to be this like very independent, self possessed person who

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Speaker 1: wants to break free of gender roles, and here I

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Speaker 1: am feeling like I'm I'm stuck in them. And a

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Speaker 1: lot of that is like intergenerational, like just stuff that

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Speaker 1: is passed down unconsciously, right, and it's still is very

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Speaker 1: much like the culture that we marinate and is still

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Speaker 1: pretty deeply sexist. And so I think it's even if

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Speaker 1: intellectually we very much are able to feel like no,

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Speaker 1: no, no no, I don't. I don't want to live into that.

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Speaker 1: I don't feel attached to like traditional gender roles. I

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Speaker 1: you know, it can still be easy to get caught

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Speaker 1: up in that and to have that kind of bubbling

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Speaker 1: underneath the surface subconsciously all the time. And we'll get

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Speaker 1: back to the point of this conversation. But I'm having

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Speaker 1: my own little moment here of I love it. I

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Speaker 1: even myself and sitting here thinking about I consider myself.

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Speaker 1: I'm not like super outspoken, but I'm pretty opinionated. I

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Speaker 1: have some strong thoughts. I don't mind sharing them, and

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Speaker 1: I'm sitting here think trying to like think about how

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Speaker 1: this all is relating to me. I wouldn't consider myself

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Speaker 1: a huge people pleaser, but I have struggled that in

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Speaker 1: the past, and I think we all have an essence

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Speaker 1: of that. I also like to feel like super feminine.

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Speaker 1: I like that feeling, but I'm also sitting here feeling

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Speaker 1: like when I show up as that part of me

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Speaker 1: in my head, I'm not feeling that way. It's like,

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Speaker 1: this doesn't feel feminine, and why is that? Why are

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Speaker 1: those not allowed to be together? Like me being the

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Speaker 1: strong person, which is a whole socialized thing it's so like,

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Speaker 1: it's so what I was growing I grew up in.

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Speaker 1: It's so what I've seen on TV. It's so like

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Speaker 1: people I surround myself with because those things aren't mutually exclusive.

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Speaker 1: But I'm even sitting here because I think part of

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Speaker 1: the work of all of this is realizing that you're

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Speaker 1: in it. That's this is not a conscious thought that

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Speaker 1: I walk around with all the time. It's like when

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Speaker 1: I show up as really strong, sometimes I don't feel

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Speaker 1: as like feminine as I do when I'm doing being

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Speaker 1: this like little quiet, and it's like, oh, I don't

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Speaker 1: like that. I don't like that. Why am I connecting out?

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Speaker 1: And that's part of the deconstruction of it all, like

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Speaker 1: noticing that that you're I'm connecting those things even I'm

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Speaker 1: connecting them. So I think it's important for anybody listening

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Speaker 1: to this, even if you're somebody who's like me, who's like,

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Speaker 1: I don't like that and it shouldn't be this way.

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Speaker 1: Do you sit in some of that? Sometimes I was

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Speaker 1: talking um earlier to somebody about just retraining like core

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Speaker 1: beliefs and messages and all of that, and how important

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Speaker 1: it is to go back and look at where they

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Speaker 1: came from, and then also look at what you want

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Speaker 1: the messages to be now, and why we have to

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Speaker 1: do both, and why we have to do things like

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Speaker 1: affirmations and even even though they feel like really dumb sometimes,

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Speaker 1: and why we do that is because we have to

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Speaker 1: actually start vocalizing the story that we want and the

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Speaker 1: story we want to live while we know what the

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Speaker 1: old story is. We have to know what we're moving

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Speaker 1: away from as we're moving into something. And I think

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Speaker 1: that's right there. What I'm thinking about in my head

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Speaker 1: is like I have to as I'm looking at this

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Speaker 1: stuff and and doing this work, recognize where my stuff

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Speaker 1: is coming from. What am I even saying to my

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Speaker 1: I need to know what I'm saying to myself, which

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Speaker 1: is so tangent. No, this is great because as I mean,

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Speaker 1: as we think about this idea of like what it

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Speaker 1: is to break up with people pleasing, right, and how

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Speaker 1: I think about that process with clients, what you actually

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Speaker 1: shared is like perfectly perfectly aligned with that, which is

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Speaker 1: that like really the first piece is identifying like what

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Speaker 1: it is in your behavior, recognizing like what does people

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Speaker 1: pleasing look like? For me? Is that what I'm doing? Right? So,

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Speaker 1: like we already talked about. You know, people pleasing is

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Speaker 1: really you're a people pleaser. If you're somebody who will

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Speaker 1: prior ties the needs and preferences and comfort of someone

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Speaker 1: else over your own needs, if you will sort of

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Speaker 1: push your own needs to the side to keep someone

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Speaker 1: else comfortable, that is people pleasing. It can show up

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Speaker 1: in a million different ways, but that's sort of the

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Speaker 1: basis of it, right, If you're someone who struggles to

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Speaker 1: say no because you're going to make someone else uncomfortable,

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Speaker 1: if you struggle to set boundaries because you're gonna make

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Speaker 1: someone else uncomfortable. So it's recognizing, okay, am I doing

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Speaker 1: this right and seeing the examples of where that shows up.

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Speaker 1: And then the next piece that is often the really

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Speaker 1: really hard part for a lot of people. It's all

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Speaker 1: I mean, it's all hard, but this part is really

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Speaker 1: hard is really recognizing and unearthing what those core beliefs

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Speaker 1: about yourself are that caused this to happen, right, And

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Speaker 1: some of that is what we've just talked about, the

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Speaker 1: stuff around you know, gender and you know that I'm

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Speaker 1: supposed to be a certain way, whether that's related to

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Speaker 1: your gender identity, whether that's related to you know I

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Speaker 1: I talk a lot with people who are parents about this,

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Speaker 1: and you know, the experience of feeling like why I

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Speaker 1: have to put everyone else's needs above my own because

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Speaker 1: that's my role as a m or because you know

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Speaker 1: that's my role as a caregiver for people. Is there's

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Speaker 1: this sense of like, you know, I'm thinking about what

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Speaker 1: the kind of common core beliefs are under that. But

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Speaker 1: you know a lot of folks struggle with the core

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Speaker 1: belief of I don't get to have boundaries or needs,

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Speaker 1: I don't get to have that. I had a client

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Speaker 1: recently that I was talking to about a situation where

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Speaker 1: they felt pressure too because they had promised to spend

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Speaker 1: time with someone. They felt pressure to like engage in

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Speaker 1: sexual interaction with a person because they had said that

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Speaker 1: they wanted to do it before and it would make

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Speaker 1: the person upset if they said no. And for me

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Speaker 1: to reiterate to that person you get to say no, like,

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Speaker 1: you get to not do that just because you don't

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Speaker 1: want to, like simply because you don't want to, was

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Speaker 1: like an absolute revolutionary, game changing moment for that person

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Speaker 1: to just hear, like the person said to me, you know,

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Speaker 1: I've never thought before that I get to say no,

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Speaker 1: or that I get to assert my needs, or I

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Speaker 1: get to express a preference, or I get to set

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Speaker 1: a boundary. There's often this belief that's under there that

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Speaker 1: we don't always is look at directly. But when you

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Speaker 1: really sit with it for a minute, you know, you

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Speaker 1: ask yourself, what is the fear if I stop engaging

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Speaker 1: in this people pleasing behavior? What is the fear if

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Speaker 1: I stop answering the phone every time my mom calls

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Speaker 1: me twenty eight times a day and tell her like

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Speaker 1: I can't talk right now? What's the fear of what's

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Speaker 1: going to happen? What is the fear if I don't

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Speaker 1: make sure everyone else is comfortable? What am I afraid

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Speaker 1: is going to happen? And that gives you clues into,

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Speaker 1: you know, the further you go down the road with that.

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Speaker 1: While I'm afraid that, you know my mom will be

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Speaker 1: mad at me? Okay, so what if she's mad at you? Well,

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Speaker 1: I'm afraid that you know she won't love me anymore? Okay,

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Speaker 1: you think she won't love you anymore if you said

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Speaker 1: a boundary. Yes, I'm afraid that the reason people love

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Speaker 1: me is because I have no boundaries. There's fear underneath

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Speaker 1: there for folks about whether you have the right to

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Speaker 1: set boundaries. Oftentimes there's fears about you know, your your

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Speaker 1: inherent loveability and what makes you worthwhile to keep around.

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Speaker 1: There's lots of folks who believe, you know, if I'm

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Speaker 1: not showing up to keep others comfortable, to make them happy,

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Speaker 1: then I have no worth. And so is how I'm

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Speaker 1: playing into my worth and my role in relationships is

429
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:08,040
Speaker 1: by being helpful, being useful, And that part is really

430
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:10,560
Speaker 1: important because if you don't know what that you know,

431
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:14,200
Speaker 1: core operating belief is, then to your point, you can't

432
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:17,479
Speaker 1: actually sort of like reorient and write a new narrative

433
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:19,440
Speaker 1: and write a new story for yourself if you don't

434
00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:22,720
Speaker 1: know what you're rewriting. Yeah, and I got to say

435
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:25,320
Speaker 1: this just for myself, to say this out loud, that

436
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:28,679
Speaker 1: like every human being has the has the right to

437
00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:32,920
Speaker 1: say no whenever they want. You could say yes ten

438
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,840
Speaker 1: seconds before, and then you get to say now, and

439
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:38,480
Speaker 1: that is just the right you have as being your

440
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:42,800
Speaker 1: own human that's right now. The really painful part of

441
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:45,760
Speaker 1: that statement is that so many people don't really believe that,

442
00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:48,960
Speaker 1: or they believe it for everybody else to except themselves.

443
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:52,439
Speaker 1: And it breaks my heart every time I hear something

444
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:55,160
Speaker 1: like that. And it can be little things, that can

445
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:58,600
Speaker 1: be big things. It can be with sexual consent, it

446
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:00,600
Speaker 1: can be with like at work, can be it can

447
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:02,480
Speaker 1: be with friends. It doesn't matter what it is, you

448
00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:04,560
Speaker 1: always have that right. And that's one of those things.

449
00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:07,000
Speaker 1: I wish I could just like box that up and

450
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:10,119
Speaker 1: like implant it into people's brains, but we can't do that.

451
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:14,960
Speaker 1: We we'd be out of job. But it's worth it, yes,

452
00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:18,680
Speaker 1: absolutely for everyone to I mean imagine that, like imagine

453
00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:22,720
Speaker 1: a world where people really inherently believe. And that's believing

454
00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:25,160
Speaker 1: in like your gut. That is a belief in your

455
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:28,359
Speaker 1: own autonomy and your ability to choose for yourself that

456
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:32,199
Speaker 1: so many people don't have. And that's so sad, but

457
00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:35,520
Speaker 1: it's really I want to talk about more of the

458
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:38,560
Speaker 1: why we don't think that we have that, because what

459
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,919
Speaker 1: it comes down to is if I say no, or

460
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,720
Speaker 1: if I don't show up how people want me to

461
00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:44,240
Speaker 1: show up, or if I don't do the thing that

462
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:47,240
Speaker 1: people expect me to do, or if I whatever it is,

463
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,439
Speaker 1: the fear usually when we really boil it down, like

464
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,240
Speaker 1: you said, is that like people will leave me, because

465
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:56,119
Speaker 1: then why will people stay around? And what I believe

466
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:58,640
Speaker 1: is we you will never know why people really will

467
00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:01,240
Speaker 1: stay around if you don't of yourself a chance to

468
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:04,719
Speaker 1: see that. Because this is the other thing. Humans are humans,

469
00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:07,000
Speaker 1: And if you're given me everything I want all the time,

470
00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:09,119
Speaker 1: I'm going to take advantage of that. Right. So if

471
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:11,640
Speaker 1: I always know that Aubrey, every time I need something,

472
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:13,919
Speaker 1: you will drop everything for me and you don't ever

473
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,960
Speaker 1: complain about it, and you look like you're fine with it,

474
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:17,840
Speaker 1: I'm gonna know that I'm always going to go to

475
00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:20,960
Speaker 1: Aubrey when I need something. Right. However, that might not

476
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:23,639
Speaker 1: be the only reason I like you right or that

477
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:25,320
Speaker 1: I want you in my life. But if you don't

478
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:28,040
Speaker 1: give me an opportunity to experience that, and if you

479
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:30,880
Speaker 1: don't give yourself an opportunity to experience that, you have

480
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:33,800
Speaker 1: no data to support the fact that you have worth

481
00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:37,600
Speaker 1: outside of that the most terrifying thing to do, because

482
00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:42,120
Speaker 1: what you're doing is you're risking to sit in your

483
00:23:42,119 --> 00:23:46,080
Speaker 1: biggest fear. Now, have you had experiences this is the

484
00:23:46,119 --> 00:23:48,600
Speaker 1: other thing where people have done that and people have

485
00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:52,320
Speaker 1: left them. I finally start setting boundaries and people are like, well, okay,

486
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:55,280
Speaker 1: I don't like this. Yeah, it's happened for me personally

487
00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:57,520
Speaker 1: in my own life, it has happened for my clients

488
00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:00,200
Speaker 1: where And it's so interesting because there is, to your point,

489
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,200
Speaker 1: there's always the chance that's going to happen, right, that

490
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:04,080
Speaker 1: you're going to set a boundary and that someone is

491
00:24:04,119 --> 00:24:06,440
Speaker 1: not going to be willing to respect the boundary. Because really,

492
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:08,440
Speaker 1: that's what you're doing. When you're setting a boundary. You're

493
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:11,800
Speaker 1: inviting people to either rise to the occasion or not. Right,

494
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:14,160
Speaker 1: you are giving them a choice. It is actually like

495
00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:17,639
Speaker 1: people think of setting boundaries as like estrangement, right, Like

496
00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:20,320
Speaker 1: that's immediately what people's brain goes to is like you're

497
00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:22,200
Speaker 1: setting a boundary of someone. That means you're saying I'm

498
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:24,640
Speaker 1: never talking to you again, which actually isn't. I mean,

499
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:26,679
Speaker 1: that can be a boundary, but that's on the pretty

500
00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:29,560
Speaker 1: far extreme. Right. Often boundaries are things like it doesn't

501
00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:31,320
Speaker 1: feel good for me when we talk about this topic,

502
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:33,560
Speaker 1: so can we talk about something else? Right, it's things

503
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:36,600
Speaker 1: much more in the gray and much softer and more

504
00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:39,159
Speaker 1: nuanced than that. A lot of the time you're giving

505
00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:42,200
Speaker 1: somebody the option to either respected and say Okay, I

506
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:45,440
Speaker 1: hear you, and respect the boundary or not, and they

507
00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:48,040
Speaker 1: have that choice, right, You're giving someone a choice, and

508
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:50,720
Speaker 1: that's what's scary is because there's always the possibility that

509
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:52,720
Speaker 1: they choose like, no, this is too much for me

510
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:55,800
Speaker 1: to deal with. I think the like obvious thing to

511
00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:58,760
Speaker 1: say that I think is not necessarily soothing, but is

512
00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:02,119
Speaker 1: deeply true that if somebody is not willing to respect

513
00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:05,040
Speaker 1: your boundary, and I really believe this, If you set

514
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:06,560
Speaker 1: a boundary of someone and they are not willing to

515
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,639
Speaker 1: put in the work to respect it, that is not

516
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:11,479
Speaker 1: a person that you want to have in your life.

517
00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:13,679
Speaker 1: And I think for somebody who's really struggling with this,

518
00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:16,600
Speaker 1: that's not always a comforting thing to hear, but it

519
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:18,640
Speaker 1: is for a lot of my clients. When they actually

520
00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:21,720
Speaker 1: move into that place, they do the work of figuring out,

521
00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:24,239
Speaker 1: often role playing with me, how they're going to have

522
00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:27,879
Speaker 1: the boundary conversation and really getting aligned with like this

523
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:29,760
Speaker 1: is what I want my boundary to be. I understand

524
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:32,240
Speaker 1: why it's important to me. I feel ready to communicate

525
00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:34,920
Speaker 1: that to another person. They do it, and that other

526
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:39,119
Speaker 1: person is like nope, sorry and walks away. My clients

527
00:25:39,119 --> 00:25:40,920
Speaker 1: will pretty quickly get to the place of like, yes,

528
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:43,440
Speaker 1: I'm grieving this and it is painful. That's I mean,

529
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:47,000
Speaker 1: losing somebody is always going to be painful. Rejection is

530
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:49,560
Speaker 1: going to feel painful. But at the same time, you

531
00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:52,800
Speaker 1: are standing in your power knowing I have said a

532
00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:55,119
Speaker 1: boundary that's important to me. There is a sense of

533
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:58,399
Speaker 1: I am proud of me for doing what matters to

534
00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:02,280
Speaker 1: me and for honoring my health. And you see that

535
00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:04,640
Speaker 1: that other person wasn't willing to meet you and rise

536
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:06,359
Speaker 1: to the occasion. You put all the work in to

537
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:10,040
Speaker 1: set the boundary, and somebody, frankly, who deserves to be

538
00:26:10,119 --> 00:26:12,680
Speaker 1: in your life at minimum, is going to come back

539
00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:15,800
Speaker 1: and be willing to figure something out with you, to

540
00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:18,720
Speaker 1: make that work to continue in relationship. And I think

541
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:21,840
Speaker 1: it doesn't always look as clean as hey, this is

542
00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:24,399
Speaker 1: my boundary. Can you respect it? Yes, totally, never a

543
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:27,520
Speaker 1: bump in the road. Again like that that's the ideal scenario,

544
00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:30,600
Speaker 1: and often it looks different from that. Often it's like

545
00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:32,840
Speaker 1: I need to understand more why you're setting this boundary,

546
00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:34,960
Speaker 1: or my feelings are initially hurt, but like I want

547
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:37,639
Speaker 1: to try, or somebody at least engaging with it. To

548
00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:40,960
Speaker 1: some degree is a demonstration that they're invested in the

549
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:43,800
Speaker 1: relationship with you. Somebody who walks away because the boundary

550
00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:46,760
Speaker 1: is set is not deeply invested in that relationship. And

551
00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:49,560
Speaker 1: so I think there's a combination of holding space for

552
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:53,040
Speaker 1: the grief that is real and also recognizing that in

553
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:55,119
Speaker 1: order to move forward into the healthy place that you

554
00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:57,840
Speaker 1: want to be. And if you're coming into coaching, often

555
00:26:57,880 --> 00:27:00,480
Speaker 1: if you're you know, imagine if you're coming into therapy,

556
00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:03,119
Speaker 1: there's pain. You're in pain in your current state, and

557
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:05,560
Speaker 1: you want to move out of it. And unfortunately, sometimes

558
00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:08,680
Speaker 1: that's going to mean not being in relationship with certain

559
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:11,359
Speaker 1: people because they're not willing to engage with the boundaries.

560
00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:13,440
Speaker 1: That's the essence of things are going to get worse

561
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:16,160
Speaker 1: before they get better, right, which is usually what happens

562
00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:18,919
Speaker 1: when you decide to make a change like that. And

563
00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:22,240
Speaker 1: you know, I frame that as like what you're doing

564
00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:25,199
Speaker 1: in those moments, you could live that way forever, and

565
00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:27,080
Speaker 1: you can be in that pain forever, and you can

566
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:30,040
Speaker 1: get comfortable in that pain and all of that. But

567
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:34,040
Speaker 1: this is you giving yourself a shot to actually feel

568
00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:38,080
Speaker 1: what real, loving, caring relationships can look and feel like.

569
00:27:38,359 --> 00:27:40,600
Speaker 1: And if you don't give yourself a shot, you'll never

570
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:43,960
Speaker 1: probably experience that. And so yeah, there there will be people,

571
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:48,280
Speaker 1: because the truth is our world is full of very unhealthy,

572
00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:52,400
Speaker 1: disregulated who it beans and we can always tell who

573
00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:55,480
Speaker 1: those people are like just from looking at the outside.

574
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:58,680
Speaker 1: And so if if you find somebody in your life

575
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:01,359
Speaker 1: who's like, oh, no, I I can't get down with

576
00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:04,280
Speaker 1: your boundaries and I can't learn how to respect you

577
00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:07,160
Speaker 1: and have a healthy relationship with you, that sucks so

578
00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:10,400
Speaker 1: bad and like, at the end of the day, probably

579
00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:13,160
Speaker 1: not going to be good for you anyway. No, I

580
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:15,359
Speaker 1: think too. I think the important thing to also remember

581
00:28:15,359 --> 00:28:16,960
Speaker 1: and that I remind my clients of all the time

582
00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:19,200
Speaker 1: is like back to your point about you know, you're

583
00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:21,760
Speaker 1: giving yourself a shot to see what's going to happen.

584
00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:24,120
Speaker 1: When you're a people pleaser, you move through the world

585
00:28:24,119 --> 00:28:26,679
Speaker 1: with the assumption that your needs are going to get dismissed,

586
00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:29,280
Speaker 1: that other people aren't going to meet your needs right,

587
00:28:29,359 --> 00:28:31,960
Speaker 1: that you know that other people are going to disrespect

588
00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:34,040
Speaker 1: your boundaries, and so you're not even going to try

589
00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:37,280
Speaker 1: to set them because you're assuming that other people are

590
00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:39,480
Speaker 1: coming from that place of not respecting you. Or what

591
00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:42,680
Speaker 1: you need, and so you're not even giving them the chance.

592
00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:45,440
Speaker 1: A lot of my clients have never set boundaries before

593
00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:47,640
Speaker 1: and are like, no, I literally am starting from scratch

594
00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:51,560
Speaker 1: here and giving yourself the chance to start and have

595
00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:55,720
Speaker 1: those conversations with people. You're exploring what it's even like

596
00:28:55,840 --> 00:28:58,280
Speaker 1: to have those conversations, and people are going to surprise you.

597
00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:00,960
Speaker 1: That's the thing, is that, you know. What we also

598
00:29:01,080 --> 00:29:04,680
Speaker 1: forget is that being able to have those vulnerable conversations

599
00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:08,280
Speaker 1: and have the boundary conversations and have conversations where we're

600
00:29:08,320 --> 00:29:12,680
Speaker 1: addressing conflict directly are actually gateways for intimacy, which is

601
00:29:12,680 --> 00:29:16,200
Speaker 1: something I think people forget, right, The willingness to you know,

602
00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:18,000
Speaker 1: if we are if you like, going by to the

603
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:20,479
Speaker 1: example you use where you know you know that if

604
00:29:20,480 --> 00:29:22,560
Speaker 1: you ask me for help, I'll drop everything and I'll

605
00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:25,360
Speaker 1: be there. And I don't seem to be upset. I

606
00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:28,760
Speaker 1: always answer the phone like whatever. But let's say inside,

607
00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:31,360
Speaker 1: I've got all this resentment brewing, right, I'm angry, I'm pissed.

608
00:29:31,360 --> 00:29:33,360
Speaker 1: You always call me when you need something, but like

609
00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:35,360
Speaker 1: you're never there for me or whatever. Like I've got

610
00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:37,920
Speaker 1: this story I'm telling myself and if I don't tell

611
00:29:37,960 --> 00:29:40,520
Speaker 1: you about it. That just goes on forever until one

612
00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:42,080
Speaker 1: day I blow up at you and I'm pissed and

613
00:29:42,120 --> 00:29:44,920
Speaker 1: you have no idea why. Versus if I say, I'm

614
00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:47,080
Speaker 1: so glad and grateful that you call me when you're

615
00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:49,360
Speaker 1: struggling with something, and like I want you to keep

616
00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:51,640
Speaker 1: doing that, but also like I'm trying to create healthy

617
00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:53,840
Speaker 1: boundaries for myself, so they're going to be sometimes that

618
00:29:53,920 --> 00:29:56,000
Speaker 1: I have to I have to say no. And it's

619
00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:57,680
Speaker 1: not because I don't love you and care about you

620
00:29:58,080 --> 00:30:00,480
Speaker 1: and want to help, but it's because you know, I'm

621
00:30:00,520 --> 00:30:02,920
Speaker 1: like trying to to really take care of me, and

622
00:30:02,960 --> 00:30:05,080
Speaker 1: so I just wanted to let you know that that

623
00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:08,520
Speaker 1: doesn't push someone away, is the reality, at least not

624
00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:11,640
Speaker 1: in a healthy scenario. And like often that invites somebody

625
00:30:11,680 --> 00:30:14,680
Speaker 1: in to really get closer to you, to say, like, wow,

626
00:30:14,720 --> 00:30:17,320
Speaker 1: I really like thank you for telling me that, thank

627
00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:20,280
Speaker 1: you for being willing to initiate a vulnerable conversation. I

628
00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:24,560
Speaker 1: think often people really appreciate somebody being willing to come

629
00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:28,120
Speaker 1: to them with something that feels so vulnerable and so personal.

630
00:30:28,280 --> 00:30:30,800
Speaker 1: Because what you're saying by setting a boundary is hey,

631
00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:33,280
Speaker 1: our relationship matters to me, and I wanted to be

632
00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:37,480
Speaker 1: sustainable long term as somebody who I consider myself to

633
00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:42,480
Speaker 1: be a healthy human. I would be so distraught if

634
00:30:42,560 --> 00:30:46,080
Speaker 1: I knew how upset one of my people in my

635
00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:50,200
Speaker 1: life were about how maybe I was treating them, even

636
00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:53,160
Speaker 1: though you might have trained me to treat you that way.

637
00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:56,120
Speaker 1: I would be so upset if I knew that somebody

638
00:30:56,160 --> 00:30:58,520
Speaker 1: I loved felt that way. And it does feel like

639
00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:01,360
Speaker 1: very loving of like, Oh, you care about me and

640
00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:04,040
Speaker 1: our relationship that much that you're going to do your

641
00:31:04,120 --> 00:31:07,120
Speaker 1: least favorite thing in the world, which is to be vulnerable.

642
00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:10,160
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, that makes me feel so important to

643
00:31:10,160 --> 00:31:14,000
Speaker 1: you and as a healthy person. Yeah, let's work on this.

644
00:31:14,360 --> 00:31:17,960
Speaker 1: I'm sorry for what I might have communicated accidentally. Let's

645
00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:19,960
Speaker 1: figure out a way that we can be in this

646
00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:22,560
Speaker 1: relationship and be here for each other that works for

647
00:31:22,600 --> 00:31:25,320
Speaker 1: both of us, because it doesn't work for me that

648
00:31:25,360 --> 00:31:28,480
Speaker 1: you're showing up but you're resenting me. That doesn't work

649
00:31:28,520 --> 00:31:32,400
Speaker 1: for me. I don't want that exactly. I think that's

650
00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:35,200
Speaker 1: a really good point. So is that just how do

651
00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:38,440
Speaker 1: you coach people through this? Because we've got the ins

652
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:41,120
Speaker 1: and outs and like why we might be this way

653
00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:43,360
Speaker 1: and the fears behind it and then the fears of

654
00:31:43,440 --> 00:31:46,520
Speaker 1: actually doing it. But if somebody's like, oh my gosh,

655
00:31:46,640 --> 00:31:49,480
Speaker 1: everything you're saying is me and maybe I'm one of

656
00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:52,080
Speaker 1: those people that identifies with the fact that I really

657
00:31:52,080 --> 00:31:54,440
Speaker 1: do want to be like nice and keep people comfortable

658
00:31:54,520 --> 00:31:57,840
Speaker 1: and all that. What is a step there, steps that

659
00:31:57,880 --> 00:31:59,720
Speaker 1: you can just give somebody or is it like we'll

660
00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:02,680
Speaker 1: go meet with somebody to talk through it. I think

661
00:32:02,720 --> 00:32:04,560
Speaker 1: it depends on the person. I think, you know, for

662
00:32:04,640 --> 00:32:07,560
Speaker 1: some folks having the having the accountability and the support

663
00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:10,000
Speaker 1: directly if somebody can be really helpful, which is you know,

664
00:32:10,080 --> 00:32:12,680
Speaker 1: tends to be folks that I work with as my clients.

665
00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:15,440
Speaker 1: But in terms of like actual tangible steps, I think

666
00:32:15,480 --> 00:32:17,520
Speaker 1: it's recognizing that you're even doing it in the first place.

667
00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:19,880
Speaker 1: I think a lot of folks exist in the place of,

668
00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:22,440
Speaker 1: you know, I feel resentful in my relationships. I feel

669
00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:24,320
Speaker 1: like I'm doing everything for everyone else and no one's

670
00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:26,280
Speaker 1: doing anything for me, and I don't know why. And

671
00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:28,840
Speaker 1: so it's first having the recognition of like, oh, this

672
00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:31,360
Speaker 1: is what I'm doing. That's a significant step. Then it's

673
00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:33,000
Speaker 1: doing what we just talked about, which is sort of

674
00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:35,320
Speaker 1: peeling back why, like, what are the beliefs I have

675
00:32:35,440 --> 00:32:38,160
Speaker 1: about me that tell me that I need to show

676
00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:41,160
Speaker 1: up this way? And you know, that gets you to

677
00:32:41,200 --> 00:32:43,320
Speaker 1: the place of recognition that this is painful and I

678
00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:46,080
Speaker 1: don't want to do it anymore, right, I need something different,

679
00:32:46,120 --> 00:32:49,720
Speaker 1: which is often the moment that people come into either coaching, therapy,

680
00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:52,720
Speaker 1: whatever the setting might be. And so when I'm working

681
00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:55,880
Speaker 1: with a client, it's really exploring and understanding those beliefs

682
00:32:55,920 --> 00:32:59,400
Speaker 1: and then moving into practice of boundary setting what boundaries

683
00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:02,800
Speaker 1: need to be set, And that's really sort of the

684
00:33:03,240 --> 00:33:07,240
Speaker 1: real life application that is often challenging and is ongoing forever,

685
00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:10,200
Speaker 1: which I think some folks are frustrated with that idea

686
00:33:10,280 --> 00:33:13,160
Speaker 1: that it's not like one in dead do I have

687
00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:17,640
Speaker 1: to do? Like at what point is over? Exactly exactly?

688
00:33:17,720 --> 00:33:20,040
Speaker 1: It's like And you know, when I work with clients,

689
00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:22,600
Speaker 1: it's really about building up the skill so that you

690
00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:25,120
Speaker 1: can rinse and repeat over and over, you know, but

691
00:33:25,200 --> 00:33:27,360
Speaker 1: you have sort of the muscle built up, and so

692
00:33:27,920 --> 00:33:30,920
Speaker 1: you know, setting boundaries is really it's it's very it

693
00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:33,160
Speaker 1: can look a million different ways. It's very tailored to

694
00:33:33,160 --> 00:33:36,280
Speaker 1: the individual situation. But I mean in the example that

695
00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:38,800
Speaker 1: we're using. If I'm talking to someone who feels like

696
00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:40,920
Speaker 1: they're showing up all the time for their friend and

697
00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:43,880
Speaker 1: their friend isn't showing up for them, and they feel

698
00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:45,440
Speaker 1: like they don't know how to say no or set

699
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:48,680
Speaker 1: a limit, then it's literally practicing what that would look like,

700
00:33:48,720 --> 00:33:50,640
Speaker 1: what it would look like to have a conversation. Oh,

701
00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:54,360
Speaker 1: you're terrified to have that conversation. Let's talk about why, right, Like,

702
00:33:54,440 --> 00:33:57,960
Speaker 1: let's literally play out the worst case scenario of what

703
00:33:58,000 --> 00:34:00,480
Speaker 1: you think could happen, and let's also play out the

704
00:34:00,480 --> 00:34:03,160
Speaker 1: best case scenario. Let's think about what if this went

705
00:34:03,240 --> 00:34:04,960
Speaker 1: really well? What would that look like. What do you

706
00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:08,120
Speaker 1: think that would feel like to be in a relationship

707
00:34:08,160 --> 00:34:10,680
Speaker 1: with someone where you were able to set a boundary

708
00:34:10,680 --> 00:34:13,440
Speaker 1: successfully and it felt better? And then how does that

709
00:34:13,480 --> 00:34:16,640
Speaker 1: compare with your current reality, which is obviously feeling painful

710
00:34:16,719 --> 00:34:19,560
Speaker 1: because you're here in this conversation with me. And so

711
00:34:19,880 --> 00:34:23,239
Speaker 1: it's recognizing that enough that we can move forward into

712
00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:26,480
Speaker 1: actually practicing boundary setting. And I think that's something that's

713
00:34:26,480 --> 00:34:28,040
Speaker 1: a challenge for a lot of people. The thing I

714
00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:31,560
Speaker 1: would recommend is if you are brand new to setting boundaries,

715
00:34:31,600 --> 00:34:34,760
Speaker 1: if you've never ever done it before if you're really

716
00:34:34,800 --> 00:34:37,200
Speaker 1: like not sure where to start or how to practice that.

717
00:34:37,600 --> 00:34:40,120
Speaker 1: Boundary setting is something that I think we think about

718
00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:44,239
Speaker 1: only doing in our most toxic, painful relationships, like the

719
00:34:44,280 --> 00:34:46,640
Speaker 1: relationships that brought us into coaching or therapy in the

720
00:34:46,680 --> 00:34:49,640
Speaker 1: first place. And I actually don't recommend that people start there.

721
00:34:49,880 --> 00:34:52,360
Speaker 1: I recommend that people start in a like if you

722
00:34:52,400 --> 00:34:54,919
Speaker 1: think about your relationship where you're the most comfortable, where

723
00:34:54,920 --> 00:34:58,319
Speaker 1: you can be the most yourself. Often where we think about, like, oh,

724
00:34:58,360 --> 00:35:00,520
Speaker 1: I don't need boundaries with this person because they just

725
00:35:00,600 --> 00:35:02,840
Speaker 1: like know what I need. You still need boundaries in

726
00:35:02,880 --> 00:35:07,480
Speaker 1: that relationship, hy, I like, every relationship can benefit from

727
00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:12,240
Speaker 1: naming and making explicit boundaries, but practicing with that person

728
00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:15,960
Speaker 1: right and even literally telling somebody whoever this person is

729
00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:18,440
Speaker 1: for you, if it's your best friend, if it's your partner,

730
00:35:18,480 --> 00:35:22,960
Speaker 1: if it's your brother, you know, whoever it is, saying hey,

731
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:25,440
Speaker 1: I'm working on setting boundaries and like it's brand new

732
00:35:25,480 --> 00:35:27,520
Speaker 1: for me, and I'm really comfortable with you, Like I

733
00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:29,719
Speaker 1: feel safe with you, and so this is like if

734
00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:31,560
Speaker 1: I could just practice some of the stuff on you,

735
00:35:32,040 --> 00:35:34,200
Speaker 1: that would be really helpful to me. And you know,

736
00:35:34,280 --> 00:35:36,400
Speaker 1: and naming for that person to like, our relationship is

737
00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:38,439
Speaker 1: really important to me, So I think, like it could

738
00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:39,920
Speaker 1: be nice for us to talk about some of this

739
00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:43,120
Speaker 1: stuff anyway, right, and being able to do that like

740
00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:46,040
Speaker 1: in small ways. I think something else that we think

741
00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:48,640
Speaker 1: about with boundaries, that we're always setting boundaries around things

742
00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:51,799
Speaker 1: that are bad. Boundary setting always is in response to

743
00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:57,120
Speaker 1: like toxic, negative, harmful behavior. When I also think boundary

744
00:35:57,120 --> 00:36:00,200
Speaker 1: setting can happen in the opposite direction, Like it's it's

745
00:36:00,280 --> 00:36:02,680
Speaker 1: different from setting a boundary. But like if something I

746
00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:06,560
Speaker 1: encourage my clients to start with is naming when someone

747
00:36:06,680 --> 00:36:09,000
Speaker 1: has done something really lovely and you want it to

748
00:36:09,040 --> 00:36:11,840
Speaker 1: be repeated, and that's a good way to practice it

749
00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:14,600
Speaker 1: sort of in the inverse, so you feel like you're

750
00:36:14,800 --> 00:36:18,680
Speaker 1: getting into the habit of talking about how people's actions

751
00:36:18,719 --> 00:36:22,879
Speaker 1: make you feel without it being super high stakes. So like,

752
00:36:23,320 --> 00:36:24,880
Speaker 1: you know, I had a client who was saying that

753
00:36:24,920 --> 00:36:26,759
Speaker 1: a friend reached out to her just out of the

754
00:36:26,800 --> 00:36:29,640
Speaker 1: blue for no reason and was checking in and it

755
00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:31,759
Speaker 1: like made her whole day. And I said, Okay, did

756
00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:33,680
Speaker 1: you tell that person that? Well? No, I mean I

757
00:36:33,719 --> 00:36:35,760
Speaker 1: just figured, oh my god, tell them, like you should

758
00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:38,080
Speaker 1: tell them, hey, when you when you're thinking of me

759
00:36:38,080 --> 00:36:39,399
Speaker 1: and you just reach out to me in the middle

760
00:36:39,440 --> 00:36:41,040
Speaker 1: of the day, like that makes my day and I

761
00:36:41,080 --> 00:36:43,239
Speaker 1: just wanted you to know that that made me feel

762
00:36:43,239 --> 00:36:45,960
Speaker 1: so good how to treat you. That's the same thing

763
00:36:45,960 --> 00:36:50,160
Speaker 1: as a boundary, Yes, the same concept. It's just it's

764
00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:52,400
Speaker 1: just in reverse. And and you see right how that

765
00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:55,600
Speaker 1: feels a lot easier to practice starting with that than

766
00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:57,800
Speaker 1: to say, like, Hey, it made me feel like ship

767
00:36:57,840 --> 00:36:59,520
Speaker 1: when you said this thing to me the other day,

768
00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:04,759
Speaker 1: because that feel so I'm so glad that you said that.

769
00:37:05,160 --> 00:37:07,759
Speaker 1: I want to add to that with a lot of this.

770
00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:09,839
Speaker 1: And the same goes to when you're doing any kind

771
00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:12,960
Speaker 1: of codependency work in general, is you're also going to

772
00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:16,600
Speaker 1: have to find a way to like soothe yourself because

773
00:37:17,200 --> 00:37:22,920
Speaker 1: being able to sit with somebody else's possible uncomfy feelings

774
00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:27,200
Speaker 1: is hard no matter who you are usually and so

775
00:37:27,360 --> 00:37:29,200
Speaker 1: what and the people that can do it well are

776
00:37:29,200 --> 00:37:33,399
Speaker 1: the people that have coping skills, and so through all

777
00:37:33,440 --> 00:37:36,240
Speaker 1: of this, yet do all this work, try these things

778
00:37:36,719 --> 00:37:39,080
Speaker 1: start where you need to start, and then also think

779
00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:42,880
Speaker 1: about what do I need to implement in my life

780
00:37:42,920 --> 00:37:46,040
Speaker 1: that helps remind me that this is a okay, thing

781
00:37:46,080 --> 00:37:48,440
Speaker 1: that I'm doing in a good thing. How do I

782
00:37:48,560 --> 00:37:51,759
Speaker 1: regulate myself and my nervous system as it starts to

783
00:37:51,800 --> 00:37:54,600
Speaker 1: get anxious around this stuff, So you can tell your

784
00:37:54,640 --> 00:37:57,440
Speaker 1: body and your mind that this is there's no threat here,

785
00:37:57,480 --> 00:38:01,240
Speaker 1: I'm okay, yes, absolutely well, and that's where that's where,

786
00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:03,920
Speaker 1: you know, sort of the affirmation piece really comes in.

787
00:38:04,040 --> 00:38:06,440
Speaker 1: It's getting grounded in. You know. If you have that

788
00:38:06,560 --> 00:38:09,640
Speaker 1: belief of I don't get to set boundaries, then it's

789
00:38:09,680 --> 00:38:12,560
Speaker 1: how are you reprogramming with a more the more positive

790
00:38:12,560 --> 00:38:14,600
Speaker 1: flip side version of that, which is I deserve to

791
00:38:14,600 --> 00:38:17,360
Speaker 1: have boundaries, or my needs matter or what you know,

792
00:38:17,440 --> 00:38:19,759
Speaker 1: whatever the case may be, something that you can return to.

793
00:38:19,880 --> 00:38:22,440
Speaker 1: I think the other thing that's important that you just

794
00:38:22,520 --> 00:38:24,239
Speaker 1: I mean, you just keep bringing me right to like

795
00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:26,560
Speaker 1: whatever the next step is, So thank you for that.

796
00:38:27,040 --> 00:38:29,080
Speaker 1: You know. The piece of this that ends up being

797
00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:31,359
Speaker 1: really important as you're setting boundaries to and that goes

798
00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:33,760
Speaker 1: hand in hand, is that the piece that we often

799
00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:36,279
Speaker 1: continue to forget about and leave behind is that we

800
00:38:36,360 --> 00:38:39,359
Speaker 1: have needs and desires to as people pleasers, we just

801
00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:41,680
Speaker 1: push them to the side to focus on other people,

802
00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:44,920
Speaker 1: and in boundary work, it can really still feel like

803
00:38:44,960 --> 00:38:48,960
Speaker 1: we're doing that because it's very emotionally intense focus on

804
00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:52,040
Speaker 1: the other person and whether they're gonna respect our boundary

805
00:38:52,120 --> 00:38:54,800
Speaker 1: or not. And another piece of being a people pleaser

806
00:38:54,880 --> 00:38:57,120
Speaker 1: is like, Okay, how can we reconnect you with the

807
00:38:57,160 --> 00:38:59,759
Speaker 1: things that are meaningful and important to you? Because so

808
00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:02,800
Speaker 1: often when you're a people pleaser, you've been so focused

809
00:39:02,800 --> 00:39:04,640
Speaker 1: on other people and what they want and what they

810
00:39:04,680 --> 00:39:08,160
Speaker 1: need that you've forgotten completely what it is that you want,

811
00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:11,600
Speaker 1: what you enjoy in life. Right, I'll ask somebody who

812
00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:14,200
Speaker 1: is kind of my typical client, you know, like, what

813
00:39:14,280 --> 00:39:16,840
Speaker 1: would make you happy right now in this moment? What

814
00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:19,600
Speaker 1: would make you the absolute happiest And their response is like,

815
00:39:19,719 --> 00:39:21,560
Speaker 1: if my boyfriend got to do this thing, I'd be

816
00:39:21,640 --> 00:39:24,680
Speaker 1: really happy. Or if my such and such person said

817
00:39:24,719 --> 00:39:27,880
Speaker 1: like it's truly it is, it becomes so we're so

818
00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:31,120
Speaker 1: few would make other people yes, like I don't know,

819
00:39:31,320 --> 00:39:35,000
Speaker 1: you choose right, And so there is that also work

820
00:39:35,080 --> 00:39:38,280
Speaker 1: that's always kind of constantly going on, which is connecting

821
00:39:38,320 --> 00:39:40,560
Speaker 1: with yourself, right, And some of that goes back to

822
00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:43,440
Speaker 1: that self soothing It's like, what do you enjoy, what

823
00:39:43,680 --> 00:39:46,800
Speaker 1: makes you happy? What is grounding for you? Not because

824
00:39:46,800 --> 00:39:48,959
Speaker 1: it has anything to do with anybody else, but because

825
00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:51,759
Speaker 1: it matters to you, because that's also important, right, Like,

826
00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:53,520
Speaker 1: I mean this is something that I imagine we both

827
00:39:53,520 --> 00:39:55,279
Speaker 1: see show up with a lot of our peers, right,

828
00:39:55,440 --> 00:39:57,399
Speaker 1: is the sense that a lot of us will make

829
00:39:57,440 --> 00:39:59,880
Speaker 1: our whole lives about helping other people because that's all

830
00:40:00,120 --> 00:40:03,520
Speaker 1: we know. And then we lose sight of ourselves and

831
00:40:03,560 --> 00:40:05,720
Speaker 1: who we are and what we enjoy, and I think

832
00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:09,080
Speaker 1: we forget that things have value just because they bring

833
00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:11,480
Speaker 1: us joy, not because it is doing anything to help

834
00:40:11,520 --> 00:40:16,440
Speaker 1: anybody else. Yes, like you're allowed to be invested in

835
00:40:16,600 --> 00:40:21,560
Speaker 1: something mundane and something simple, something that doesn't change the world,

836
00:40:21,800 --> 00:40:25,400
Speaker 1: Like let's go do those things. But also you're allowed

837
00:40:25,440 --> 00:40:27,680
Speaker 1: to spend time doing things that nobody else will ever

838
00:40:27,719 --> 00:40:29,960
Speaker 1: know about. That's right, I know I feel that personally

839
00:40:30,400 --> 00:40:34,520
Speaker 1: in the climate of just the world right now, more

840
00:40:34,520 --> 00:40:38,160
Speaker 1: importantly in the United States, it feels like everything I

841
00:40:38,239 --> 00:40:41,680
Speaker 1: do has to be something that helps fix all these

842
00:40:41,719 --> 00:40:44,400
Speaker 1: things and changes all this stuff, and I have to

843
00:40:44,440 --> 00:40:47,600
Speaker 1: fight this fight, and like, yes, let's do that, because

844
00:40:47,760 --> 00:40:50,799
Speaker 1: there's some battles to be fought. Also, not everything has

845
00:40:50,840 --> 00:40:53,960
Speaker 1: to be a big global thing that's going to change

846
00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:56,680
Speaker 1: every single aspect of the world. We're also just allowed

847
00:40:56,719 --> 00:41:00,120
Speaker 1: to enjoy simple things like painting our tone oils on

848
00:41:00,120 --> 00:41:02,040
Speaker 1: a Friday night. I don't know why that's right in

849
00:41:02,040 --> 00:41:05,200
Speaker 1: my head because I've never actually done the thing. The

850
00:41:05,239 --> 00:41:07,359
Speaker 1: thing that came to my head was getting my nails done,

851
00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:09,440
Speaker 1: so like I'm right there with you, but like no,

852
00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:12,319
Speaker 1: and I mean I think that's we can and you

853
00:41:12,360 --> 00:41:15,439
Speaker 1: can be a person who is engaged and who gives

854
00:41:15,440 --> 00:41:17,640
Speaker 1: a ship about the things that are happening in the world,

855
00:41:17,680 --> 00:41:21,799
Speaker 1: and who cares deeply and also recognize that like sometimes

856
00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:24,720
Speaker 1: it is truly it is self preservation to go into

857
00:41:24,719 --> 00:41:27,520
Speaker 1: some like Audrey Lord here, like what is the quotes

858
00:41:27,560 --> 00:41:30,839
Speaker 1: like caring for myself is not self indulgence, it's self

859
00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:33,880
Speaker 1: preservation and that is an act of political warfare. I

860
00:41:33,880 --> 00:41:38,719
Speaker 1: think that's the quote. But like truly, right, like, we

861
00:41:38,840 --> 00:41:41,839
Speaker 1: can't show up for the stuff that matters to us

862
00:41:41,840 --> 00:41:43,960
Speaker 1: in life if we're not taking care of ourselves. And

863
00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:47,880
Speaker 1: that's why there's you know, like people pleasers will build

864
00:41:47,920 --> 00:41:50,320
Speaker 1: this kind of resentment or we don't we don't necessarily

865
00:41:50,320 --> 00:41:53,279
Speaker 1: have the endurance to kind of do the work that

866
00:41:53,360 --> 00:41:54,920
Speaker 1: we want to do or have the impact that we

867
00:41:54,960 --> 00:41:57,640
Speaker 1: want to have if we're not connected to like what

868
00:41:57,800 --> 00:42:01,040
Speaker 1: actually keeps us going, and it okay if what keeps

869
00:42:01,080 --> 00:42:03,520
Speaker 1: you going is going to get your nails done, like,

870
00:42:03,800 --> 00:42:06,680
Speaker 1: it's okay. If what keeps you going is not helpful

871
00:42:06,719 --> 00:42:10,479
Speaker 1: to anybody else, is just is just pleasurable to you,

872
00:42:10,560 --> 00:42:12,960
Speaker 1: which is also another another aspect for me, is like

873
00:42:13,000 --> 00:42:15,840
Speaker 1: diving into like you no, like literally just what brings

874
00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:18,400
Speaker 1: you joy and pleasure not to do with anybody else.

875
00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:20,279
Speaker 1: And for a lot of folks that is like an

876
00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:22,520
Speaker 1: uncomfortable place to go because like I don't know, like

877
00:42:22,560 --> 00:42:25,239
Speaker 1: it's just frivolous stuff, like it doesn't matter. But it's like, no,

878
00:42:25,400 --> 00:42:28,400
Speaker 1: that's the stuff that matters the most. Actually things like

879
00:42:28,600 --> 00:42:31,600
Speaker 1: it's dumb, but I think that, Yes, yeah, I think

880
00:42:31,600 --> 00:42:33,600
Speaker 1: that that you're saying, like that's the stuff that matters

881
00:42:33,640 --> 00:42:35,640
Speaker 1: the most. That's where it kind of starts. It's like

882
00:42:35,719 --> 00:42:37,680
Speaker 1: how are other people going to care for us? It's

883
00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:39,480
Speaker 1: so cliche, but it's like, how are other people going

884
00:42:39,560 --> 00:42:41,160
Speaker 1: to care for us if we don't even care about

885
00:42:41,200 --> 00:42:44,080
Speaker 1: ourselves or care for ourselves, Like you've got to start

886
00:42:44,080 --> 00:42:47,040
Speaker 1: with self respect And that's probably a whole another podcast,

887
00:42:48,960 --> 00:42:52,200
Speaker 1: but Okay, so this is so great. Myself even have

888
00:42:52,360 --> 00:42:54,799
Speaker 1: started to think about a lot of things through this conversation,

889
00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:57,399
Speaker 1: and I know there's more to it, but I think

890
00:42:57,400 --> 00:42:59,560
Speaker 1: this is a great place for people to start, especially

891
00:42:59,680 --> 00:43:03,040
Speaker 1: people that really we're grabbing onto that codependency episode that

892
00:43:03,080 --> 00:43:05,080
Speaker 1: I did a couple of weeks ago. This is a

893
00:43:05,160 --> 00:43:07,480
Speaker 1: great place for some of them to really start with

894
00:43:07,600 --> 00:43:10,520
Speaker 1: untangling some of that stuff. So thank you for this.

895
00:43:10,960 --> 00:43:13,800
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Oh my gosh, thanks for having

896
00:43:13,840 --> 00:43:16,560
Speaker 1: me always, always, so much. And I feel like I

897
00:43:16,560 --> 00:43:18,600
Speaker 1: could talk to you for four hours. But you know,

898
00:43:18,800 --> 00:43:21,279
Speaker 1: people that haven't met you before, where can they find you? Well,

899
00:43:21,400 --> 00:43:23,040
Speaker 1: the place I like to hang out the most is

900
00:43:23,040 --> 00:43:25,640
Speaker 1: on Instagram, so you can find me there. My handle

901
00:43:25,719 --> 00:43:28,920
Speaker 1: is Aubrey so it's a four H is b R

902
00:43:29,000 --> 00:43:33,160
Speaker 1: E Aubrey and um. You can also learn more about

903
00:43:33,160 --> 00:43:36,200
Speaker 1: me at my website that's Aubrey Henderson dot com. Okay,

904
00:43:36,239 --> 00:43:37,040
Speaker 1: thank you so much.