WEBVTT - 6 Step Plan To Block Social Media From Controlling Your Life And Mind 0:00:00.480 --> 0:00:04.040 Attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin. 0:00:04.360 --> 0:00:07.360 Rite this idea that attachment. If I'm addicted to something, 0:00:07.560 --> 0:00:09.920 if you're trying to push it away and reject it, 0:00:09.920 --> 0:00:12.800 it's as strongly present in your life. Right If you 0:00:12.840 --> 0:00:15.400 love someone and you hate someone, you almost think about 0:00:15.400 --> 0:00:18.560 them equally. If you hate someone with that same obsession 0:00:18.760 --> 0:00:22.360 or that same intensity as you love someone, you almost 0:00:22.360 --> 0:00:31.360 think about them as much as you love someone. Hey, everyone, 0:00:31.480 --> 0:00:34.559 welcome back to on Purpose. Thank you so much for 0:00:34.640 --> 0:00:37.840 being here right now. I am so grateful for your time, 0:00:37.920 --> 0:00:42.080 your energy, your presence. And this is one of those 0:00:42.159 --> 0:00:45.479 themes that I'm really excited I get to address with 0:00:45.520 --> 0:00:49.440 you today. I think that I'm reading more and more searches, 0:00:49.560 --> 0:00:53.160 more and more trends, more and more articles about how 0:00:53.240 --> 0:00:58.200 social media is negatively affecting our mental health. And as 0:00:58.240 --> 0:01:01.600 someone who creates a lot on social media, who's sharing 0:01:01.640 --> 0:01:05.240 a lot of insights and ideas on social media, I 0:01:05.280 --> 0:01:09.959 want to help you navigate and understand how you can 0:01:10.080 --> 0:01:14.399 use social media so that it stops using you. And 0:01:14.480 --> 0:01:16.479 today I'm going to give you a step by step 0:01:16.520 --> 0:01:21.160 plan to block social media from controlling your life and 0:01:21.319 --> 0:01:24.520 your mind. And I want to start off by saying this, 0:01:26.000 --> 0:01:30.959 All new technologies are always going to catch us off guard. 0:01:31.280 --> 0:01:34.360 They're always going to surprise us. There's always going to 0:01:34.400 --> 0:01:37.119 be pros and cons. It was the same as when 0:01:37.520 --> 0:01:42.959 TVs arrived, then color TVs, radios, the Internet. Right, There's 0:01:42.959 --> 0:01:46.919 always been fear. It's always affected us positively and negatively. 0:01:47.480 --> 0:01:50.480 But what I've understood is that a lot of the times, 0:01:50.920 --> 0:01:55.920 we spend a lot of our energy talking about the challenges, 0:01:56.040 --> 0:02:00.160 the stresses, the pressures, the fears of what this new 0:02:00.240 --> 0:02:03.720 technology brings. I'm not saying we shouldn't do that, but 0:02:03.840 --> 0:02:07.520 often we spend such a high amount of our time 0:02:07.840 --> 0:02:11.839 on the issue that we don't really talk about how 0:02:11.880 --> 0:02:19.160 to maneuver, navigate, and guide ourselves through with what is happening. Inevitably, right, 0:02:19.280 --> 0:02:24.079 social media happened and is happening. AI has already happened 0:02:24.200 --> 0:02:27.480 and is happening. And I think unless we can truly 0:02:27.600 --> 0:02:32.480 understand how we fit into a world where it exists, 0:02:33.240 --> 0:02:36.880 it's really difficult for us to take steps forward. We 0:02:36.960 --> 0:02:40.160 can't just keep talking about the challenges and the issues. 0:02:40.200 --> 0:02:42.200 We have to use the challenge and the issue, which 0:02:42.200 --> 0:02:44.520 is what I'm going to attempt to do today and 0:02:44.560 --> 0:02:48.400 then give you solutions, actions and a plan to transform 0:02:48.480 --> 0:02:51.560 that now, just to make it really, really clear, because 0:02:51.600 --> 0:02:53.400 maybe some of us are thinking, Oh, it doesn't affect 0:02:53.400 --> 0:02:55.840 me that much, or it's okay, or maybe you're listening 0:02:55.880 --> 0:02:57.720 right now and you're saying, Jay, this is exactly what 0:02:57.800 --> 0:03:00.000 I need right now. Right If you're someone who spends 0:03:00.000 --> 0:03:02.400 it's too long on social media, if you're someone who's 0:03:02.440 --> 0:03:05.600 feeling a lot of fomo, if you're someone who's feeling 0:03:05.639 --> 0:03:08.920 more stressed and anxiety about your social media usage, you're 0:03:08.960 --> 0:03:12.440 in the right place. So this study blew my mind. 0:03:13.160 --> 0:03:18.080 Forty six percent of respondents indicated that social media makes 0:03:18.120 --> 0:03:21.480 them want to permanently change a part of their body 0:03:21.800 --> 0:03:24.840 through surgery. Now I'm raising that not because I have 0:03:24.880 --> 0:03:27.800 any issues with surgery. I'm raising that because it just 0:03:27.840 --> 0:03:32.000 shows the level of impact. This isn't just an idea. 0:03:33.120 --> 0:03:36.880 It's an ideology that makes us want to physically permanently 0:03:37.120 --> 0:03:40.600 change something because of what we're seeing, because of what 0:03:40.640 --> 0:03:45.640 we're exposed to. Now, listen to this. Eighty nine percent 0:03:45.760 --> 0:03:50.920 of respondents indicated that they feel unsatisfied with their life 0:03:51.280 --> 0:03:54.840 and comparing it to others on social media. Raise your 0:03:54.880 --> 0:03:58.120 hands if you felt that way, Raise your hands if 0:03:58.120 --> 0:04:02.680 that thought has crossed your mind many, many times. I 0:04:02.720 --> 0:04:07.120 think we all have that thought. Now the next one 0:04:07.280 --> 0:04:11.920 thirty two percent of respondents indicated that they feel addicted 0:04:12.240 --> 0:04:15.200 to bad news online. How many of us know that 0:04:15.480 --> 0:04:17.479 when we see bad news, we share it more, we 0:04:17.600 --> 0:04:20.600 comment more, we talk about it more, we hang out 0:04:20.600 --> 0:04:24.120 with our friends more. It's fascinating to me. Now, why 0:04:24.160 --> 0:04:27.159 am I sharing these three things? I know we all 0:04:27.200 --> 0:04:30.000 do them. And you know what the biggest challenge is, 0:04:30.839 --> 0:04:35.480 we want to completely eliminate the thought. Here's the truth. 0:04:36.360 --> 0:04:41.800 You can't eliminate the thought. You can only have a 0:04:41.920 --> 0:04:47.520 response to it. You can't eliminate ever having a thought 0:04:48.080 --> 0:04:50.960 about fomo or bad news. You will have it. It 0:04:51.000 --> 0:04:55.480 will always be your instant response, because that's how we've 0:04:55.520 --> 0:05:00.560 been conditioned for years. All you can change is how 0:05:00.640 --> 0:05:03.839 quickly you have a response that's healthy. Right, So, the 0:05:04.000 --> 0:05:08.839 unhealthy thought of I feel unsatisfied with my life, which 0:05:09.040 --> 0:05:11.360 doesn't make you feel great about yourself, right, It doesn't 0:05:11.400 --> 0:05:14.000 make you feel good about yourself. That thought is going 0:05:14.040 --> 0:05:19.480 to keep recurring for probably most of your life. But 0:05:19.560 --> 0:05:22.719 that's not something to get discouraged about. What we need 0:05:22.760 --> 0:05:25.760 to recognize is at the same time, if we can 0:05:25.800 --> 0:05:28.680 say I don't feel satisfied with my life and ask 0:05:28.720 --> 0:05:31.760 the question, but I'm going to figure it out. What 0:05:32.000 --> 0:05:35.039 is it? What would make me feel satisfied with my life? 0:05:35.080 --> 0:05:38.000 Because guess what, it's not just doing what that person's doing. 0:05:38.240 --> 0:05:40.359 I don't really want to go to that party. I 0:05:40.360 --> 0:05:42.279 don't really want to be invited to that event. But 0:05:42.320 --> 0:05:44.280 I'm saying that there's a part of my life that's 0:05:44.320 --> 0:05:48.560 not satisfying. And that's the really interesting trick or switch 0:05:48.640 --> 0:05:51.680 that we need to make. Right, we're not really saying 0:05:51.720 --> 0:05:54.760 are we really saying that's the life we want? Or 0:05:54.800 --> 0:05:56.600 if we stop to think about it, we're just saying, no, 0:05:56.720 --> 0:06:00.880 there's a life I want, but I'm not there yet. Right. 0:06:00.920 --> 0:06:03.440 You are going to respond to bad news. It's how 0:06:03.480 --> 0:06:05.840 our brains are wired. You're going to see bad news 0:06:05.880 --> 0:06:07.680 and become attracted to it, and you're going to want 0:06:07.720 --> 0:06:11.040 to talk about it. But how about next time you're 0:06:11.040 --> 0:06:15.400 with your friends and you start a conversation, you purposely 0:06:15.839 --> 0:06:18.680 propose a positive news topic. You say, hey, did you 0:06:18.720 --> 0:06:21.080 see this? Did you see this amazing video of this 0:06:21.200 --> 0:06:24.560 little kid? Did you see this incredible thing that this 0:06:24.600 --> 0:06:28.240 person did in the media. How about you become that switch. 0:06:28.279 --> 0:06:30.120 I want you to try it out for seven days. 0:06:30.160 --> 0:06:33.440 Please please, please, please please, Because what we don't understand 0:06:33.560 --> 0:06:38.839 is when we talk negatively about other people, we're then 0:06:39.080 --> 0:06:43.600 more fearful of people talking negatively about us. Right if 0:06:43.640 --> 0:06:46.400 there's been the latest scandal, the latest issue, we're diving 0:06:46.400 --> 0:06:49.120 into the gossip. It feels like it doesn't affect us. 0:06:49.160 --> 0:06:52.039 I promise you it does because you now become less 0:06:52.120 --> 0:06:55.360 vulnerable about your challenges with your friends, because you don't 0:06:55.360 --> 0:06:58.720 want to be the talk of the town. Here's what 0:06:59.120 --> 0:07:04.200 I want to add as our direction for today. If 0:07:04.200 --> 0:07:07.760 we don't learn how to use technology, it ends up 0:07:07.800 --> 0:07:12.440 consuming us. We're not trained how to interact with new technology. 0:07:12.960 --> 0:07:15.040 And on top of all of that, it's designed to 0:07:15.080 --> 0:07:18.600 be addictive, and therefore we have to be more careful 0:07:18.680 --> 0:07:21.480 when we interact with it. I find it really fascinating 0:07:21.520 --> 0:07:26.320 that addictive substances are generally bound by age, So you 0:07:26.400 --> 0:07:30.200 have to be eighteen to smoke, right, and nicotine is 0:07:30.200 --> 0:07:33.200 one of the most accessible legal drugs, and it's also 0:07:33.240 --> 0:07:35.760 one of the most addictive, and most people who smoke 0:07:35.880 --> 0:07:38.560 just a few times will get hooked, and only a 0:07:38.720 --> 0:07:43.240 very few people are able to smoke occasionally without being addicted. Now, 0:07:43.520 --> 0:07:45.960 what's really interesting is I feel that way about social media. Right, 0:07:46.000 --> 0:07:48.160 you only have to use social media a few times 0:07:48.360 --> 0:07:51.679 before you're addicted. It's not something that's like a slow burner. 0:07:51.760 --> 0:07:54.480 More like alcohol, which is kind of like this. You 0:07:54.480 --> 0:07:57.280 don't get immediately hooked, but it takes a longer period 0:07:57.320 --> 0:07:59.680 of time. Social media, I think we'd all agree, is 0:07:59.720 --> 0:08:03.040 far more instant. And what's really interesting is when you 0:08:03.080 --> 0:08:08.040 look at the relationship, we understand that what's happening chemically 0:08:09.000 --> 0:08:12.120 is the release of dopamine, and studies showed that scientists 0:08:12.240 --> 0:08:14.680 used to think that dopamine was a pleasure chemical in 0:08:14.680 --> 0:08:19.000 the brain, but now we know it actually creates desire. 0:08:19.560 --> 0:08:23.800 Dopamine causes us to seek, want, and search, and the 0:08:23.840 --> 0:08:27.040 pull of dopamine is so strong that studies have shown 0:08:27.120 --> 0:08:31.640 tweeting is harder for people to resist than cigarettes and alcohol. 0:08:31.880 --> 0:08:33.480 You know, you don't have to be twenty one to 0:08:33.480 --> 0:08:37.720 be on social media, but our brains are not fully 0:08:37.800 --> 0:08:40.679 developed when we're using it, and it's more addictive. So 0:08:41.080 --> 0:08:42.480 I also want to take that as a point of 0:08:42.520 --> 0:08:46.080 empathy and compassion with yourself. That if you, your child, 0:08:46.200 --> 0:08:49.120 your niece, your nephew, your cousin is struggling with social 0:08:49.120 --> 0:08:52.679 media addiction, please don't see that as a weakness. Please 0:08:52.720 --> 0:08:55.880 don't see that as your fault. It's designed to do that. 0:08:56.440 --> 0:08:58.840 And I think when we stop guilting ourselves, we have 0:08:58.920 --> 0:09:02.440 the opportunity for grit. When we stop making ourselves feel 0:09:02.480 --> 0:09:05.560 bad about something, we might actually be able to make 0:09:05.600 --> 0:09:08.920 a good choice. Right. Think about that. Listen to that again. 0:09:09.040 --> 0:09:12.360 When we stop making ourselves feel bad about something, we 0:09:12.400 --> 0:09:18.880 can actually start making better, good choices. Right. And it's 0:09:19.000 --> 0:09:21.960 just interesting how we've given access to something that is 0:09:22.000 --> 0:09:27.160 so addictive to everyone. Think about gambling, right. Gambling activates 0:09:27.200 --> 0:09:30.280 the brain's reward system, which is powered by dopamine. And 0:09:30.320 --> 0:09:34.520 dopamine is a neurotransmitter inside the brain that reinforces sensations 0:09:34.520 --> 0:09:38.520 of pleasure and connects those sensations to certain behaviors or actions. 0:09:38.760 --> 0:09:42.320 So we're getting locked in that loop. Right. You go 0:09:42.360 --> 0:09:45.320 on social media, you see someone like your post, you comment, 0:09:45.440 --> 0:09:47.640 you get that dopamine reward bang. I'm going to keep 0:09:47.720 --> 0:09:50.760 using it, keep using it to get that same dopamine reward, 0:09:51.000 --> 0:09:53.959 And the way it works is you have to keep 0:09:54.000 --> 0:09:56.559 doing more and more and more to get the same 0:09:56.640 --> 0:09:58.440 level of benefit. It's not like you do more and 0:09:58.480 --> 0:10:01.480 you get more benefit or more excit It's almost like 0:10:01.520 --> 0:10:03.960 you've got to do more every time to get the 0:10:04.000 --> 0:10:07.000 same level of excitement. So we have access to something 0:10:07.080 --> 0:10:10.560 very addictive, and if you're addicted or if you're struggling, 0:10:11.120 --> 0:10:15.440 that is not your fault. It is natural. And today's 0:10:15.480 --> 0:10:17.600 all about saying, well, how can I actually develop a 0:10:17.640 --> 0:10:21.880 healthy relationship with something which has benefits, which has pros, 0:10:21.960 --> 0:10:25.480 which can benefit my life in many many ways? But 0:10:25.520 --> 0:10:27.319 how do I make sure that that's what I'm getting 0:10:27.320 --> 0:10:31.240 out of it? And that's really what life is about overall, 0:10:31.360 --> 0:10:36.360 is saying this exists, how can I interact with it 0:10:36.480 --> 0:10:40.920 in a way that it's beneficial to my existence. So 0:10:41.600 --> 0:10:44.080 let's dive in. One of the first things I read 0:10:44.160 --> 0:10:46.600 which blew my mind in this studies that people talk 0:10:46.600 --> 0:10:49.800 about themselves around thirty to forty percent of the time 0:10:49.880 --> 0:10:52.640 in person. If you're an in person conversation, you're going 0:10:52.679 --> 0:10:54.440 to talk about yourself thirty to forty percent of the time. 0:10:54.559 --> 0:10:56.320 Is the other time you're talking about them and maybe 0:10:56.320 --> 0:10:58.520 you're talking about a world event, right, So if you're 0:10:58.520 --> 0:11:00.520 talking about yourself thirty to forty percent, and they're talking 0:11:00.520 --> 0:11:03.240 about themselves thirty to forty percent, that's sixty to eighty percent, 0:11:03.640 --> 0:11:05.720 and then the rest of the twenty to forty percent 0:11:05.840 --> 0:11:09.320 is about what's happening in the world. Check this out. 0:11:09.559 --> 0:11:13.679 On social media, people talk about themselves eighty percent of 0:11:13.720 --> 0:11:19.040 the time. Eighty percent. That's double what we do in 0:11:19.040 --> 0:11:24.199 real life. So when we receive a notification of positive feedback, 0:11:24.400 --> 0:11:28.080 we feel a positive sensation from dopamine. But let's look 0:11:28.120 --> 0:11:30.400 at that the other way. When you get a negative comment, 0:11:30.760 --> 0:11:34.520 it has a negative interaction. What I'm really learning here 0:11:34.559 --> 0:11:36.480 and I looked into some more of the research, and 0:11:36.520 --> 0:11:40.600 it says that talking face to face is messy and 0:11:40.679 --> 0:11:44.160 emotionally involved, and we don't get the time to do 0:11:44.200 --> 0:11:48.960 what psychologists call self presentation or positioning yourself. So on 0:11:49.000 --> 0:11:52.640 social media we get to position ourselves how we want, 0:11:53.080 --> 0:11:54.840 as opposed in real life when you have to do 0:11:54.880 --> 0:11:58.280 it in the moment, we struggle to do that. Now, 0:11:58.320 --> 0:12:00.319 the challenge with that is also that when we position 0:12:00.480 --> 0:12:03.439 ourselves and we take a lot of time to curate ourselves, 0:12:03.559 --> 0:12:06.319 but then people don't like the way we curate ourselves. 0:12:07.200 --> 0:12:11.679 That causes an issue, right, just as we like the 0:12:11.720 --> 0:12:15.880 positive feedback, of course, we get negatively affected by the comments. 0:12:16.559 --> 0:12:19.480 And sixty two percent of people say they feel better 0:12:19.520 --> 0:12:22.880 about themselves when people react positively to what they post 0:12:22.960 --> 0:12:25.640 on social media. But of course we know the same 0:12:25.720 --> 0:12:28.080 is true for the negative. So what are we trying 0:12:28.080 --> 0:12:30.320 to say here? We're trying to say that we're basically 0:12:30.360 --> 0:12:35.199 more self obsessed on social media. We're more self focused, 0:12:35.559 --> 0:12:38.320 and that ends up creating rewards, but it also ends 0:12:38.400 --> 0:12:41.360 up creating issues. Here's how I want us to shift. 0:12:41.720 --> 0:12:50.880 How can we shift to focusing on connecting with others 0:12:51.640 --> 0:12:55.920 on social media? How can we comment positively on other 0:12:56.000 --> 0:13:02.720 people's posts? How can we truly feel excited for others? 0:13:02.800 --> 0:13:05.959 This is the real question that we're struggling with because 0:13:06.000 --> 0:13:10.000 we get so self obsessed, which makes us more amplified. 0:13:10.000 --> 0:13:12.040 It's almost like putting a magnifying glass on the self, 0:13:12.040 --> 0:13:14.360 which means the positives gets bigger and so does the negative. 0:13:14.679 --> 0:13:16.400 But it's actually the struggle that we have is how 0:13:16.440 --> 0:13:19.000 do we actually feel more excited about other people's joy. 0:13:19.200 --> 0:13:20.719 Here's a few things I want to share with you. 0:13:21.120 --> 0:13:27.000 Someone else's joy does not take away from your opportunity 0:13:27.040 --> 0:13:29.960 for joy. There is no cap on the amount of 0:13:29.960 --> 0:13:33.560 people getting married in twenty twenty three. There is no 0:13:33.760 --> 0:13:37.640 cap of the amount of billionaires or millionaires or financially 0:13:37.640 --> 0:13:40.840 free people in twenty twenty three, or twenty twenty four 0:13:40.880 --> 0:13:44.160 for that matter. The world has made us believe that 0:13:44.320 --> 0:13:49.040 there is a finite number of seats. There's limited availability, 0:13:49.480 --> 0:13:53.840 there's VIP, and then there's normal, the special seats, the 0:13:53.960 --> 0:13:57.080 last seats, the final few, it's sold out. Write This 0:13:57.360 --> 0:14:02.200 language has created this belief of scarcity, that there is 0:14:02.360 --> 0:14:05.960 less and less and less opportunity for you to live 0:14:06.000 --> 0:14:07.800 the life you want. And I want to remind you this. 0:14:08.520 --> 0:14:12.040 There is unlimited opportunity. There is no limit. There is 0:14:12.120 --> 0:14:16.680 no cap on any of the things you pursue. They're 0:14:16.760 --> 0:14:18.960 just don't Maybe you have to wait a bit longer, 0:14:19.680 --> 0:14:23.320 maybe it's not your turn this time. But I promise 0:14:23.400 --> 0:14:26.840 you that someone else winning does not mean you're losing. 0:14:27.720 --> 0:14:30.200 And this is something we have to remind ourselves off daily. 0:14:30.240 --> 0:14:34.760 When someone else is winning, that does not mean you're losing. 0:14:35.480 --> 0:14:39.640 And instead of feeling envious and jealous when someone else 0:14:39.720 --> 0:14:45.720 is winning study them, study, learn take notes, learn about 0:14:45.760 --> 0:14:49.160 their struggle, learn about their journey, learn about what they 0:14:49.200 --> 0:14:51.720 did to get there, whatever that may be. Because when 0:14:51.760 --> 0:14:56.040 you study and you understand the struggle, you no longer 0:14:56.040 --> 0:14:59.600 feel envious. You recognize that it took a lot out 0:14:59.640 --> 0:15:02.480 of them, and you're ready to go down that same path. 0:15:03.000 --> 0:15:05.040 So we have to shift our focus on how we 0:15:05.120 --> 0:15:07.080 view others and how we view ourselves. I think we 0:15:07.120 --> 0:15:09.840 spend too much time on social media thinking about ourselves, 0:15:10.600 --> 0:15:12.600 and we need to kind of get back down to 0:15:12.640 --> 0:15:15.800 that thirty to forty percent. If we're on social media 0:15:15.880 --> 0:15:18.200 spending thirty to forty percent of time on ourselves, but 0:15:18.200 --> 0:15:20.960 then thirty to forty percent of time supporting our friends, 0:15:20.960 --> 0:15:24.480 supporting others, and maybe twenty percent of time making sure 0:15:24.480 --> 0:15:28.200 we follow and unfollow the right places, Like I have blocked, muted, 0:15:28.400 --> 0:15:31.000 unfollowed so many things that I don't want to see 0:15:31.000 --> 0:15:34.840 on a daily basis because I know that they trigger 0:15:34.920 --> 0:15:39.280 certain responses, and that's really important. Are you aware of 0:15:39.320 --> 0:15:42.200 what triggers you down a negative path? Are you aware 0:15:42.280 --> 0:15:45.560 of what sets you off? Right? Who are those pages? 0:15:45.840 --> 0:15:48.200 I literally know the page when it pops up, if 0:15:48.240 --> 0:15:50.320 it ever does again, and I say, Okay, now, no 0:15:50.400 --> 0:15:53.760 wonder I'm feeling this way. Okay, number two, this one's 0:15:53.800 --> 0:15:56.280 really really important to me. And this one is something 0:15:56.280 --> 0:15:58.640 that I think we underutilize. And I'm sure you've heard 0:15:58.640 --> 0:16:01.520 this before, but I just want to reiterate it because 0:16:01.560 --> 0:16:05.720 I find it becoming so common. Please do activities without 0:16:05.760 --> 0:16:09.680 your phone when you're with your friends, like dinners, lunches, brunches, 0:16:09.800 --> 0:16:11.920 Like put the phone away and put it away together. 0:16:12.240 --> 0:16:14.360 Make it a ritual where you all put it in 0:16:14.360 --> 0:16:16.280 a bowl at the beginning. You will put it away 0:16:16.320 --> 0:16:19.080 in your own bags or someone's bag at the beginning. 0:16:19.120 --> 0:16:22.400 Like make a commitment out of it. Make a commitment 0:16:22.400 --> 0:16:24.680 out of it, because we all know that everyone starts 0:16:24.680 --> 0:16:27.160 a good conversation phones on the table, Take phones off 0:16:27.240 --> 0:16:31.600 the table. Take the phone off the table, and keep 0:16:31.680 --> 0:16:34.600 each other accountable to this because it's so easy for 0:16:34.680 --> 0:16:36.200 when someone says, I'm going to the bathroom, you just 0:16:36.200 --> 0:16:39.400 take your phone out. I've been forcing myself to not 0:16:40.040 --> 0:16:42.040 take out my phone in gaps. It's hard for me too, 0:16:42.080 --> 0:16:44.200 By the way, The gaps are the easiest time for 0:16:44.280 --> 0:16:47.240 me when someone's gone to the bathroom or I'm getting 0:16:47.240 --> 0:16:50.360 in the elevator. I've been trying really hard to not 0:16:50.480 --> 0:16:52.920 distract myself with my phone and use it in that 0:16:53.040 --> 0:16:55.840 way and instead to just be present, listen to the 0:16:55.920 --> 0:16:58.960 music and the elevator, to observe the cool clothes someone's 0:16:59.000 --> 0:17:02.520 wearing next to me, to take a moment at a restaurant, 0:17:02.560 --> 0:17:04.960 to just look at the menu, to just take in 0:17:05.000 --> 0:17:07.359 the sense and the sites. It's really hard to do this, 0:17:07.560 --> 0:17:10.359 but it's so important that we get used to not 0:17:10.560 --> 0:17:14.160 using our phone as a gap filler. And you'll say 0:17:14.160 --> 0:17:15.600 to me, Jay, well, how do I do that? Because 0:17:15.720 --> 0:17:18.920 my natural instinct is to pick up my phone, make 0:17:18.960 --> 0:17:21.560 your background on your phone saying put down your phone, 0:17:21.560 --> 0:17:24.119 put it away right. Whatever you need is that reminder 0:17:24.359 --> 0:17:27.400 when you take it out, right, when you first take 0:17:27.440 --> 0:17:31.000 it out and you're about to start scrolling, just take 0:17:31.040 --> 0:17:33.920 a moment to set the habit of when you pull 0:17:33.920 --> 0:17:36.080 your phone out, to ask why am I here? Do 0:17:36.200 --> 0:17:39.119 I actually need anything from this? And it's going to 0:17:39.200 --> 0:17:41.600 feel weird at first, it's going to feel strange at first, 0:17:41.800 --> 0:17:44.719 but I promise you that the more you can actually 0:17:44.720 --> 0:17:47.440 create that distance between you and your phone in those gaps, 0:17:48.080 --> 0:17:49.840 the more you're going to start feeling peace and ease, 0:17:49.880 --> 0:17:51.399 and you just need to try it a few times 0:17:51.440 --> 0:17:54.439 to feel it. A study found that ninety four percent 0:17:54.480 --> 0:17:58.359 of participants reported feeling troubled when they didn't have their phone, 0:17:59.000 --> 0:18:02.320 eighty percent were when someone else use their phone, and 0:18:02.400 --> 0:18:06.320 seventy percent expected to feel depressed, panicked, and helpless if 0:18:06.320 --> 0:18:09.520 their phone weren't missing or they couldn't find it. A 0:18:09.560 --> 0:18:12.840 study found that eighty nine percent of undergraduate students experience 0:18:12.920 --> 0:18:16.679 phantom vibrations. This is the perception of vibrations from a 0:18:16.720 --> 0:18:21.919 mobile device that isn't vibrating. People crave receiving notifications so 0:18:22.080 --> 0:18:26.080 much that they start imagining them right, and this is 0:18:26.200 --> 0:18:29.880 why we have to get out and do activities where 0:18:29.920 --> 0:18:34.480 you don't even think about your phone, like ping pong, tennis, pickleball, walks, hikes, 0:18:34.960 --> 0:18:39.199 getting out there into nature with friends, with family. You 0:18:39.280 --> 0:18:41.120 won't even think about your phone. You won't even need 0:18:41.160 --> 0:18:43.600 it because you have to use your body in mind. 0:18:43.800 --> 0:18:48.000 What's happening now is we're doing more activities that don't 0:18:48.040 --> 0:18:52.800 require our three sixty presents. For example, if I'm playing pickleball, 0:18:52.880 --> 0:18:54.879 or if I'm playing ping pong or tennis or whatever 0:18:54.880 --> 0:18:57.240 it may be, I can't be on my phone and 0:18:57.320 --> 0:19:00.000 hold a racket at the same time. It's just not possible. 0:19:00.200 --> 0:19:03.119 If you're into golf, if you're into football or soccer 0:19:03.240 --> 0:19:05.960 or whatever it may be, you're not going to be 0:19:06.040 --> 0:19:07.560 able to be on your phone at the same time, 0:19:07.800 --> 0:19:09.920 and you could be out there for two three hours. Right, 0:19:10.760 --> 0:19:13.399 And we're doing too many activities where you can be 0:19:13.480 --> 0:19:16.240 watching TV while you're on your phone. You could be 0:19:16.320 --> 0:19:19.000 cooking while you're on your phone, right. You could be 0:19:19.720 --> 0:19:21.720 doing so many other things while you're on your phone, 0:19:21.720 --> 0:19:24.359 while you're talking to someone else. And the more we 0:19:24.440 --> 0:19:27.399 take time every day to do activities where it's just 0:19:27.520 --> 0:19:31.360 physically impossible that you're incapable of doing it while you're 0:19:31.359 --> 0:19:34.960 on your phone. Especially sports is such a great way 0:19:35.520 --> 0:19:38.160 of getting outdoors and being away from it. And that's 0:19:38.200 --> 0:19:41.280 where we're training ourselves to have extended periods of time. Right. 0:19:41.280 --> 0:19:42.760 If I just told you just sit in your house 0:19:42.960 --> 0:19:44.960 and don't be on your device, it's not going to work. 0:19:45.359 --> 0:19:47.480 And so we have to find that alternative. We have 0:19:47.600 --> 0:19:51.000 to find a way of being off our devices in 0:19:51.040 --> 0:19:54.120 a way that's fully present. I know that I can 0:19:54.119 --> 0:19:56.640 play pickaball for three hours and then I'll go back 0:19:56.680 --> 0:19:58.520 to my phone and I'll think, Wow, like you know, 0:19:58.520 --> 0:20:01.320 I didn't even miss my phone. Now the next one. 0:20:01.960 --> 0:20:04.000 We all know we need to reduce usage. And this 0:20:04.040 --> 0:20:05.919 is something I want to talk about because a lot 0:20:05.960 --> 0:20:08.600 of us think we need to completely stop using social media. Now. 0:20:08.640 --> 0:20:13.840 That can be useful in small periods, but overall, we 0:20:13.880 --> 0:20:16.760 need to build a healthy relationship. And a healthy relationship 0:20:16.880 --> 0:20:19.280 is not a version. There's a beautiful quote in The 0:20:19.280 --> 0:20:23.280 Bug with Ghita which says that attachment and aversion are 0:20:23.280 --> 0:20:27.359 two sides of the same coin. Right, this idea that attachment. 0:20:27.400 --> 0:20:30.080 If I'm addicted to something, actually, if you're trying to 0:20:30.080 --> 0:20:33.480 push it away and reject it, it's as strongly present 0:20:33.520 --> 0:20:35.560 in your life. Right. If you love someone and you 0:20:35.600 --> 0:20:38.000 hate someone, you almost think about them equally. If you 0:20:38.080 --> 0:20:43.040 hate someone with that same obsession or that same intensity 0:20:43.119 --> 0:20:45.639 as you love someone, you almost think about them as 0:20:45.760 --> 0:20:48.880 much as you love someone. And so with social media. 0:20:48.920 --> 0:20:50.320 If you hate it, if you're trying to be like 0:20:50.359 --> 0:20:52.520 I don't want it, I want to be away from it, 0:20:52.520 --> 0:20:56.840 it's almost like you're thinking about it again. Now here's 0:20:56.880 --> 0:21:01.359 something I want to say to you that's really helped me. No, 0:21:01.760 --> 0:21:05.760 technology zones and times in your home, and I want 0:21:05.800 --> 0:21:07.840 you to think about this in a fun way. You 0:21:07.920 --> 0:21:13.280 can literally put print out signs with the no phone 0:21:13.359 --> 0:21:15.840 sign almost like a no smoking sign, but with a 0:21:15.840 --> 0:21:19.280 phone picture, in areas of your home that you want 0:21:19.280 --> 0:21:20.960 to be reminded that you have to leave your phone 0:21:21.000 --> 0:21:24.520 out of. So I remember, for me, I almost visualized 0:21:24.600 --> 0:21:28.359 lasers in certain parts of mine and my wife's apartment 0:21:28.440 --> 0:21:30.760 and now our home where it's like, okay, in the bedroom, 0:21:31.000 --> 0:21:34.200 no phone area, right the dining table, no phone area. 0:21:34.320 --> 0:21:36.480 Like what are those areas in your home? And literally 0:21:36.480 --> 0:21:38.840 put up signs make it fun and silly if friends 0:21:38.840 --> 0:21:40.239 will come over and they'll have to leave it out 0:21:40.280 --> 0:21:42.080 as well, and all of a sudden it's like, okay, 0:21:42.080 --> 0:21:44.840 we're in a no phone zone. We're in a no 0:21:44.960 --> 0:21:47.360 phone zone in the house. This area we're not using 0:21:47.400 --> 0:21:50.280 it. It could be a table, it could be a bedside table, 0:21:50.600 --> 0:21:53.840 it could be wherever you think it's important for you 0:21:53.920 --> 0:21:59.200 to disconnect. Because people who limited their social media use 0:21:59.280 --> 0:22:02.320 to ten minutes day for three weeks led to lower 0:22:02.359 --> 0:22:06.080 loneliness and depression. You think your loneliness may go up 0:22:06.080 --> 0:22:08.520 if you're not on social media, your loneliness actually goes 0:22:08.600 --> 0:22:11.840 down when you reduce your time on social media, and 0:22:11.920 --> 0:22:15.120 reducing social media use to even thirteen minutes per day 0:22:15.600 --> 0:22:20.919 results in significantly lower levels of anxiety, depression, sleep problems, 0:22:21.320 --> 0:22:24.720 and of course fomo. Now now I like using social media, 0:22:24.720 --> 0:22:27.160 and I found a way of limiting my social media 0:22:27.240 --> 0:22:29.719 in a way that I'm following things that make me happy, 0:22:30.320 --> 0:22:33.080 following things that don't give me those negative responses. And 0:22:33.080 --> 0:22:36.040 that's what it is. It's those it's the responses that 0:22:36.359 --> 0:22:40.119