Speaker 1: Hi there everybody. What's going on? Hi Chelsea, what's happening?
Speaker 1: Hui's go in really good.
Speaker 2: Actually, our little puppy is growing up. He's a month
Speaker 2: older and you know, getting potty trained, getting there, getting there.
Speaker 1: Wendell Begnet is a month older. Poor Wendell Beignet. What's
Speaker 1: going to happen to Wendall's life?
Speaker 2: He's going to get chubby like a pugshit, He's.
Speaker 1: Going to come out of the closet very soon. Oh yes, yes,
Speaker 1: he's definitely. He's definitely gay. For sure.
Speaker 2: He for sure is with a name like that. Well, Chelsea,
Speaker 2: I have a quick follow up for you. This is
Speaker 2: from Rachel. She called in on our mic Berbiglia episode
Speaker 2: and she was the one who was getting married and
Speaker 2: her brother in law was not letting her sister's kids
Speaker 2: come to the wedding. Hi, Catherine and Chelsea. I'm so
Speaker 2: sorry about just now replying. I was waiting and hoping
Speaker 2: that something would possibly change, but unfortunately that did not happen.
Speaker 2: My niece and nephew will sadly not be a part
Speaker 2: of my wedding. We're about forty days from the big day,
Speaker 2: and after trying to reach out to my ex brother
Speaker 2: in law again. We've just accepted the situation as it is.
Speaker 2: It's been about eight months since he and I have spoken,
Speaker 2: and things are so messy that he and my sister
Speaker 2: still have to communicate through a co parenting app for
Speaker 2: documentation and legal purposes. It's a parent that he's hurting
Speaker 2: deep down, and I just hope he can get some
Speaker 2: help and heal one day. On the bright side, my
Speaker 2: sister seems happier than ever nowadays. She's thriving in her
Speaker 2: career as an elementary school principle, and she's been able
Speaker 2: to really focus on herself for the first time in
Speaker 2: a while. So we've taken your advice and decided to
Speaker 2: have a private quote pretend wedding in my parents' backyard
Speaker 2: the week before our wedding. That way, my niece and
Speaker 2: nephew can be our flower girl and ring bearer and
Speaker 2: have all the attention and happiness directed toward them. Truthfully,
Speaker 2: I just want them to be okay and not have
Speaker 2: their childhood stripped of their innocence. Chelsea and Catherine, you
Speaker 2: two are awesome. Thank you for keeping us all laughing
Speaker 2: during some shitty situations. Love Rachel PS. I'll be sure
Speaker 2: to send a picture of the three of us at
Speaker 2: our backyard wedding. Stay tuned.
Speaker 1: Oh that's cute, nice solution. That's good. Yeah, that's all
Speaker 1: good vibes. Too bad about the brother, but whatever it is.
Speaker 2: And sometimes we just have to let other people do
Speaker 2: what they're going to do and make the best of
Speaker 2: a situation. And I'm really happy that she's choosing to
Speaker 2: do that. We've got an amazing guest today, Chelsea.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we do. Actually we just worked together sort of
Speaker 1: but not really. We both did Kim Kardashian's Skim's campaign
Speaker 1: bra campaign, uh huh, and we both I noticed, used
Speaker 1: the same hair dresser. Oh, hair dresser, that's like an
Speaker 1: art an outdated term. But anyway, hair stylist Vernado, the
Speaker 1: sky Ronado, and her hair looked so badass during the
Speaker 1: campaign or for the photos. When we got all the photos,
Speaker 1: I was like, I thought my hair looked good. And
Speaker 1: then I saw brook Shields's hair and I was like,
Speaker 1: whoa wait, But then I realized she's Brookshields. Yes, that's
Speaker 1: who our guess is today, Brooks Shields.
Speaker 2: Yeah, she is known for her luscious hair.
Speaker 1: Oh, she's known for her lusciousness.
Speaker 3: Yes.
Speaker 1: Absolutely. She is an actress, model, CEO and host of
Speaker 1: the Now What podcast. Please welcome Brookshields. Hi, Brooke, Hi, Hi,
Speaker 1: how are you?
Speaker 3: I'm good?
Speaker 1: How are you?
Speaker 3: How are you feeling?
Speaker 1: Oh? My god better? But I sell my throat still
Speaker 1: has a pickle, a tickle pickle every I guess it
Speaker 1: must be post nasal drip. But I'm lying in bed
Speaker 1: and I go like this fifty thousand times. I'm glad
Speaker 1: I'm single at this time in my life because I
Speaker 1: don't know who would want to have sex with me. All.
Speaker 3: I always like this, Chris does that, My husband Chris
Speaker 3: does It drives me insane because it's neither nor It's
Speaker 3: not a great cough and it's not really it's something else.
Speaker 3: Commit to one or the other.
Speaker 1: On the subject of your husband, Chris. Actually good place
Speaker 1: to start for us because I knew Chris years ago,
Speaker 1: which I think I told you about. I used to
Speaker 1: wait tables at a place called Roasty on Montana and
Speaker 1: Chris was a young writer who would come in and
Speaker 1: he was a really nice guy, and I think he
Speaker 1: had some friends and he would come in with other
Speaker 1: writer guys. Yeah, And he would come in and That's
Speaker 1: how I knew him. And then he went off and
Speaker 1: married you, and then I never saw him again.
Speaker 3: Well see where was the natural progression?
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly Matt, who stopped speaking to me completely. Oh
Speaker 1: he said to say hi, by the way, Oh tell
Speaker 1: him I say hi back, please.
Speaker 3: I will, I will, I will, I will.
Speaker 1: But you guys have had such a long successful relationship, marriage, partnership.
Speaker 1: I was wondering if you could speak to that and
Speaker 1: tell us a little bit about how you feel about
Speaker 1: your side of the street and your relationship, how you
Speaker 1: feel like you've grown as a woman within your relationship
Speaker 1: with having a family and everything, because these are things
Speaker 1: I can't really relate to. So I'm so curious.
Speaker 3: I'm his first marriage, or he likes to say I'm
Speaker 3: her current marriage. But I had a marriage before, and
Speaker 3: I think that that was probably a really great thing
Speaker 3: because I learned really what I didn't want in a relationship.
Speaker 3: Maybe I should have learned it without having to actually
Speaker 3: go through the marriage, but I think that it's first
Speaker 3: of all, it's a lot is attributable to him because
Speaker 3: he's a very solid person. He doesn't get threatened easily
Speaker 3: by any of any of that. I come with a lot.
Speaker 3: You know, I come with a lot. It's it's hard,
Speaker 3: not only my history, but because I'm recognized and because
Speaker 3: the world feels like they own me. I think that,
Speaker 3: you know, I come with a lot. So he's very,
Speaker 3: very patient. And one of the things that I think
Speaker 3: what he was willing to do is adapt to certain
Speaker 3: things that I have asked him. For instance, when we
Speaker 3: first met, it was always funny how he would make
Speaker 3: fun of me. And he made fun of me like,
Speaker 3: just I do really geeky, stupid things, and like I'm
Speaker 3: that kid that always had the different color highlighters and
Speaker 3: I'm organizing and I like underlining, and you know, I
Speaker 3: just I do things that are kind of geeky. And
Speaker 3: he used to make fun of me, or the fact
Speaker 3: that I couldn't cook. And it was cute in the
Speaker 3: beginning because it was it felt really personal, but it
Speaker 3: was never mean. But they were little things. And as
Speaker 3: you know, like ten years into the relationship, I said
Speaker 3: to him, you know what, I'm growing as a person
Speaker 3: and I don't want to self deprecate as much as
Speaker 3: I used to in the same way and for the
Speaker 3: same reasons. And you kind of knocking me down a
Speaker 3: couple of pegs doesn't feel cute anymore to me.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 3: And I know it sounds like a bait and switch,
Speaker 3: and I know I'm changing the terms here, but we
Speaker 3: all have to adapt. And you've mentioned accountability when we
Speaker 3: were talking one time, and I think that there is
Speaker 3: accountability to You're not trying to change the other person,
Speaker 3: but there are certain things that have to become a compromise,
Speaker 3: and you have to be able to express what you
Speaker 3: need and also be able to change in little ways
Speaker 3: that do make a huge difference to your partner. And
Speaker 3: that type of back and forth in exchange has been
Speaker 3: just really healthy for us. Wow. Yeah, Like he'll if
Speaker 3: I start a sentence with to him, I don't think
Speaker 3: you realize how much I have on my plate, or
Speaker 3: something like that, he cannot stand it because it underestimates
Speaker 3: how much he really does understand about me and my life,
Speaker 3: and so he'll get prickly with something like that. So
Speaker 3: I have to keep in mind that that's not a kind,
Speaker 3: that's not a rhetoric. That it just makes him bristle
Speaker 3: and he in a second, he's got his eye up,
Speaker 3: you know. So I think that the willingness to be
Speaker 3: you know, people say, oh, friendship, and so first of all,
Speaker 3: laughter is just key. I mean, he just makes me
Speaker 3: laugh and that's been a big part of our relationship.
Speaker 3: He is such a good father and he's in the time,
Speaker 3: and that makes being a mother so much more palatable
Speaker 3: in many ways for me, even though I've always wanted
Speaker 3: to have kids. It's really not easy, and it's a
Speaker 3: full time.
Speaker 1: It's just forever, and then some it's forever, and then
Speaker 1: some it's never over now.
Speaker 3: And sometimes loving that much it's just to pain the ass.
Speaker 3: You're just like, why am I doing this to myself?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I can imagine.
Speaker 3: It's the kind of worry that you're just like, God,
Speaker 3: did I want to feel this horrible? It's weird. I mean,
Speaker 3: I have that conversation with a really good friend of
Speaker 3: mine and she's sort of belaboring the fact that she's
Speaker 3: not having children and she never wanted them, And then
Speaker 3: the clock got a certain to a certain place, and
Speaker 3: then it became difficult, and then it became, oh, no,
Speaker 3: what am I missing out on? And I said, you know,
Speaker 3: don't lose sight of how you can get love from
Speaker 3: her husband's grandchildren or how you know. And also to
Speaker 3: keep in mind that she never was motivated to have
Speaker 3: to do it wasn't a part of her the way
Speaker 3: it was a part of me.
Speaker 1: I say that in my stand up special, my new
Speaker 1: standup special, I talk about like, if you're on the
Speaker 1: fence at all about becoming a mother, then don't become
Speaker 1: a mother. Like if you're questioning it, if you're not
Speaker 1: one hundred and fifty percent in in it and saying
Speaker 1: like this is what I want, I can't live without it,
Speaker 1: then you shouldn't have a baby because it is that
Speaker 1: kind of commitment. You can't be like, well, I guess
Speaker 1: I'm getting older and I may as well have one.
Speaker 1: You know, tell your friends to call me. I'll just
Speaker 1: shake her out.
Speaker 3: Well, it's also true that, you know, ay, I don't
Speaker 3: I respect the way you talk about it, because not
Speaker 3: everybody should want to have children. If they don't want to,
Speaker 3: they shouldn't be shamed into it. And it's a you know,
Speaker 3: it is also it's the kind of thing that there's
Speaker 3: a lot to it, and you know it's not going
Speaker 3: to fix a relationship. I hear couples talk about, you know,
Speaker 3: their marriage is having trouble and they think a baby
Speaker 3: is going to fix it.
Speaker 1: Trust me, No, it's not that whatever your problems are
Speaker 1: become magnified right when you have a baby, absolutely, and
Speaker 1: then the blame starts and you're just like, this is
Speaker 1: just becoming degraded. Now what Okay? Because I know you have,
Speaker 1: You've spoken a lot and written a lot about your
Speaker 1: relationship and the difficulties with your relationship with your own mother,
Speaker 1: and so I think for your I'm so curious about
Speaker 1: when you became a mother. I mean, you must have
Speaker 1: had such an inner dialogue going on for fear of
Speaker 1: replicating any of the stuff that was so painful or
Speaker 1: hurtful to you.
Speaker 3: The weirdest thing is I've done so much work on
Speaker 3: myself in therapy for decades that I focused on the
Speaker 3: things that I want to replicate rather than just the
Speaker 3: things I didn't want to replicate because I had done
Speaker 3: so much work. And so to compare myself in any
Speaker 3: way in a negative way to a woman who really
Speaker 3: was so broken and couldn't do the work on herself
Speaker 3: or for herself, and you know it's not only just alcoholic.
Speaker 3: I don't think she could ever get through step seven
Speaker 3: or whatever the amends one is. But I think that
Speaker 3: her humor was so important, her willingness to have fun
Speaker 3: with me, her belief that I should always have someone
Speaker 3: my own age around me, even within this industry. Her
Speaker 3: very frank way of discussing anything. You know, she was ballsy,
Speaker 3: and that really protected me. And so I try to
Speaker 3: remember those things, and I try to be careful about
Speaker 3: my drinking because I know that that is in my blood.
Speaker 3: I'm surprised at how how much freedom emotionally I give
Speaker 3: my kids. You know how, I never thought that talking
Speaker 3: to them about sex and talking to I thought because
Speaker 3: my mother never talked to me about anything. You just
Speaker 3: were told, don't do it, you'll burn an hell. And
Speaker 3: then I became sort of known for being a virgin.
Speaker 3: We talk about everything together and I have no judgment
Speaker 3: and I'm shocked at myself. Wow, you know, I mean,
Speaker 3: we talk about it all, and I didn't think that
Speaker 3: i'd be comfortable with it on that level.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I can see what you mean by that. I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm just thinking about my nieces and nephews and I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I guess I would be the closest to non judgmental,
Speaker 1: but I'm still they're like my little babies and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I can't even think about the things that they might
Speaker 1: be getting up to right now.
Speaker 3: It's crazy. It's just so crazy. And but I, you know,
Speaker 3: I always say, it's just it's important that you have
Speaker 3: an ally within these these times in your life because
Speaker 3: you're gonna need it. And who better than your mom
Speaker 3: in my case with her, because I'm always going to
Speaker 3: be here for whatever it is. I'm like, but don't
Speaker 3: be an idiot.
Speaker 1: Do either of your girls remind you of your mom? Oh,
Speaker 1: that's a great question. There are sometimes when my older
Speaker 1: daughter will do something that is just so defiant, like
Speaker 1: she's got balls, my daughter, And you think that I
Speaker 1: would see my mom do that, or she would do
Speaker 1: things just to be the first one dancing on the
Speaker 1: table or something like that. So there are some kind
Speaker 1: of ballsy and her sense of humor, My mom's sense
Speaker 1: of humor does really sort of breathe through Rowan in particular. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's cool. That must be really like meaningful to see
Speaker 1: it is because I'll say things that my mother would
Speaker 1: have said that just can sound borderline, Like you know,
Speaker 1: when a dog is outside the deli or something and
Speaker 1: they're looking inside to see where their master is like
Speaker 1: their masters, like they just can't they can only look
Speaker 1: at theirs, her or whatever.
Speaker 3: My mother used to walk by the dogs and go,
Speaker 3: she's never coming back, which is a sick joke. It's
Speaker 3: a sick joke. And and my mom was full of
Speaker 3: sick jokes like that, and so and I would like
Speaker 3: try them out on rowan and she was like, Mom,
Speaker 3: that's so sick, but it's so fucking funny.
Speaker 1: That's cute. Well, I think that's a really beautiful sentiment.
Speaker 1: You know. Taking the best out of a relationship is
Speaker 1: what we should all be doing, out of our difficult relationships,
Speaker 1: out of our beautiful relationships, out of our best relationships,
Speaker 1: but taking the best things about that and trying to
Speaker 1: replicate those instead of focusing on the things that you
Speaker 1: don't want to replicate, focusing on the things that you do.
Speaker 3: The minute you start going down the road of the
Speaker 3: things you don't want or the things that are bad,
Speaker 3: you're now demonizing this person even more, especially if they're
Speaker 3: not alive, right, and then you're not even giving yourself
Speaker 3: a chance to sort of not live with rose colored
Speaker 3: glasses about who they were, but to also sort of
Speaker 3: say people are complex and I'm going to try to
Speaker 3: shift this and start with a positive rather than, you know,
Speaker 3: making myself terrified that i'm you know things. I'm my
Speaker 3: own person too, you know, And I think that that's
Speaker 3: important for people to remember, is that they are they
Speaker 3: can be their own people.
Speaker 1: Right exactly. Okay, So we are going to take a
Speaker 1: quick break, and then we're going to come back and
Speaker 1: get to some callers who need some life advice. Brook,
Speaker 1: We're going to dish it out, okay, and give real
Speaker 1: people advice on what to do in situations. Catherine, are
Speaker 1: we ready to take a quick break. We're ready to
Speaker 1: take a quick Yes, Oh my god, we're taking a
Speaker 1: break and we'll be right back.
Speaker 3: And we're back and we're back.
Speaker 2: Well, you know what, I'm going to switch up the
Speaker 2: order that I intended these in because we've already been
Speaker 2: talking about dogs, and I see you have it's Pepper
Speaker 2: right of Pepper there at it's.
Speaker 3: Clearly bored because she just got up and left down.
Speaker 1: Aren't dogs all bored all the time? Is not where
Speaker 1: there's sleeping all of the time, and my dogs are
Speaker 1: sleeping all of the time.
Speaker 3: I feel like cats are more bored than dogs. I
Speaker 3: think I don't know. Mine is so neurotic and insecure.
Speaker 1: My dogs are like cats.
Speaker 3: I have two cat dogs, wow, and I have a
Speaker 3: neurotic separation anxiety dog Milcks. She's a Portuguese water dog.
Speaker 1: I mean, I oh, those are nice dogs. What happens
Speaker 1: when you have a dog in the city. Isn't that
Speaker 1: just a fucking huge pain in the ass brook to
Speaker 1: have to go outside into the city every time they
Speaker 1: need to go out.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's it can be a bit can be, but
Speaker 3: you know, you get your dog people in town and
Speaker 3: we are able to leave the city in the summer
Speaker 3: and have the best of both worlds. I mean, what's
Speaker 3: hard is making sure your dog can tell you when
Speaker 3: they have to go to the bathroom, which, like I
Speaker 3: now know her look obviously when she's got to go,
Speaker 3: but she's not clear, Like she doesn't go to the
Speaker 3: door and like paw the door. So there's been many
Speaker 3: a package left for eh.
Speaker 2: Yes, we trained our little pog Mimsy using bells, so
Speaker 2: she if she has to go out, she just goes
Speaker 2: and rings the bell. I mean we take her out
Speaker 2: at regular intervals anyway. But it's it's a life saver.
Speaker 2: It's a carpet saver.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well it's too fucking late for us, Sat. Thanks
Speaker 1: for the hot tip. Now, I mean, we can't train
Speaker 1: these dogs to ring doorbells, sorry or bells?
Speaker 2: Dog can't learn? Okay, Well, and I actually just got
Speaker 2: a new puppy. But I actually picked this question for
Speaker 2: you weeks ago. So this question comes from Lindsay. Lindsay says,
Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea, should we get.
Speaker 1: A new dog.
Speaker 2: It's been over four years since our dog passed away.
Speaker 2: She felt like a soulmate to me and we went
Speaker 2: through so many life events together. I loved her in
Speaker 2: a way that makes my heart burst even today. Her
Speaker 2: passing was tragic and took years to get through. I
Speaker 2: feel her presence all the time, and I miss her
Speaker 2: every day. In the last year, I've been finding myself
Speaker 2: wanting the physical presence of a dog again. However, I'm
Speaker 2: terrified of not feeling that same love for a new dog.
Speaker 2: Well also being terrified that I'll feel that strong feeling again,
Speaker 2: which ultimately means I'll feel terrible loss again. We travel often,
Speaker 2: have two senior cats and a six year old. Our
Speaker 2: lives are busy, so I also wonder if maybe the
Speaker 2: timing isn't right to add a dog to our family.
Speaker 2: How will I know when the time is right? How
Speaker 2: do I get past the fear, Lindsey.
Speaker 1: Just get a fucking dog, Lindsay. I mean, this is
Speaker 1: not a hard problem at all.
Speaker 3: Go get a dog, and don't compare that dog all
Speaker 3: the time to your deceased little love bug. Because it
Speaker 3: took me a while too, and I was like, I'm
Speaker 3: not gonna love this dog as much, and then I
Speaker 3: was resistant, and poor dog didn't know the difference. She
Speaker 3: didn't know my other dog. You know, I just think,
Speaker 3: get a dog, and it's good for a little girl
Speaker 3: to grow up with with a dog. I mean, yeah,
Speaker 3: you know you're gonna end up doing all the work, obviously, but.
Speaker 1: Also once you get a new dog, your love transfers.
Speaker 1: You don't have any choice but to love and focus
Speaker 1: on that dog that you're not gonna have be comparing
Speaker 1: it to your other dog, even like I've had so
Speaker 1: many dogs, and every time you just have a different
Speaker 1: kind of love for them, you're like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: this is my number one now. It actually helps you
Speaker 1: get over the loss of the other one too.
Speaker 3: Actually too, And if you have just one kid, I
Speaker 3: mean think about if you had another daughter, would you
Speaker 3: only love the six year old more than the baby?
Speaker 3: I doubt it, Yeah, exactly, So you just it's like
Speaker 3: growing another heart.
Speaker 1: So buck up and just go get that dog.
Speaker 3: Okay, I think so, Lindsey, get the dog.
Speaker 2: Well that was easy.
Speaker 1: That was probably the easiest question we've ever gotten.
Speaker 3: So oh boy, Okay.
Speaker 2: Well, our next question comes from Jesse. She's a caller.
Speaker 2: She says, Dear Chelsea, my boyfriend and I recently went
Speaker 2: on a camping trip with his whole family, mom, dad's sister,
Speaker 2: and his nephew. My nine year old son and our
Speaker 2: dog also joined us. Three days in, we had reservations
Speaker 2: to go whitewater rafting with my boyfriend's sister, her son,
Speaker 2: my son, and my boyfriend. Of the river was amazing.
Speaker 2: We were all laughing, screaming, and having the best time.
Speaker 2: Shortly into it, I decided to move back a seat
Speaker 2: to sit next to my boyfriend. His sister is an
Speaker 2: aggressive type A and promptly turns around to tell me
Speaker 2: to move back to my original seat. I told her
Speaker 2: it should be fine because I'm still peddling in the
Speaker 2: same area I was before. She continued to tell me no,
Speaker 2: I need to move back. While raising her voice, I
Speaker 2: told her not to talk to me like that, and
Speaker 2: all hell broke loose.
Speaker 1: Uh oh rot row mmmmm.
Speaker 2: She used this moment to stand up, point her finger
Speaker 2: in my face while telling me all the things she's
Speaker 2: always hated about me since day one. She concluded it
Speaker 2: by saying, and I'm not the only one who feels
Speaker 2: this way. I immediately broke down and cried the rest
Speaker 2: of the two hour trip down the river. We packed
Speaker 2: up our camp and drove back home. As soon as
Speaker 2: we got back to the campsite, his mom and dad
Speaker 2: sided with his sister and also doubled down on all
Speaker 2: the resentments they have had toward me for the four
Speaker 2: years we've been together. Oh, nothing they've said makes any
Speaker 2: sense to me, and I honestly feel broken, sad, and confused.
Speaker 2: I lost my dad to COVID in twenty twenty and
Speaker 2: have considered his family my family. I can feel the
Speaker 2: energy shift in my relationship with my boyfriend, and I
Speaker 2: truly don't know where to go from here. Please help Jesse.
Speaker 1: Oh, no, Jesse, Hi, Jesse, Hi, Jesse, Hey, this is
Speaker 1: our special guest, Brookshields is here today.
Speaker 4: Hi Brooke. HII, so nice to see y'all.
Speaker 3: I mean, first of all, rap trips are not easy.
Speaker 3: They're they're challenging, and they're they bring out a lot
Speaker 3: in people.
Speaker 4: I think that was that was one of the issues
Speaker 4: for sure.
Speaker 3: What did you how did your Have you spoken at
Speaker 3: length to your boyfriend about all of this?
Speaker 4: We actually both started seeing a therapist. We both see
Speaker 4: the same therapists now, which is convenient. So on Sundays
Speaker 4: basically that he does him at ten am and me
Speaker 4: at eleven am, and we're both kind of talking it
Speaker 4: out with our cool so, I mean, we're just we're
Speaker 4: trying to get through it. It's just it was a
Speaker 4: lot and he's not really sure where to go from
Speaker 4: here either.
Speaker 1: Like what is he saying? Like how does he feel?
Speaker 1: I mean, what does he agree with his family? Did
Speaker 1: he know that they felt this way?
Speaker 4: He he's a different person with them than he is
Speaker 4: with me. He is very quiet around them, he's very
Speaker 4: doesn't really speak as mine. But when he's with me,
Speaker 4: he's like, that was obviously crazy, you know, And basically
Speaker 4: I don't want to surround myself with somebody that's really
Speaker 4: negative and that just brings that energy around, so he
Speaker 4: doesn't really agree with it at all.
Speaker 3: Well usually though, But there's also a part in a
Speaker 3: relationship where to a certain extent, your partner has to
Speaker 3: be able to stick up for you in some way,
Speaker 3: and it can be done in a loving way. But
Speaker 3: you are his choice. His family. He didn't have a
Speaker 3: choice about. You know, is he older or younger than
Speaker 3: the sister.
Speaker 4: He's younger. She's actually my age and he's three years
Speaker 4: younger than me.
Speaker 3: And what's her life situation.
Speaker 4: She is a single mom. She's always had that aggressive side,
Speaker 4: a little just abrasive. I think it's kind of like
Speaker 4: a guard she has up to protect herself, if that
Speaker 4: makes sense, because she's kind of always been on her
Speaker 4: own and she does take care of her son by herself,
Speaker 4: so it's just her and him.
Speaker 3: What's interesting about that is there I feel like there's
Speaker 3: some jealousy and projection. But also when anybody says, and
Speaker 3: I'm not the only one that feels that way, that's
Speaker 3: sort of a cop out because they're not owning their vitriol,
Speaker 3: you know, they're sort of pawning it off on somebody.
Speaker 1: I hate that. I hate that when people use that
Speaker 1: in fights.
Speaker 4: Oh my God, it was so hurtful, that so immature
Speaker 4: for me. Yeah, I immediately started crying and.
Speaker 3: So unfair by the way to the rest of his
Speaker 3: family also, because you know, sometimes that can be an
Speaker 3: opening for the rest of his family talking to them
Speaker 3: and sort of saying, is this true. Do you have
Speaker 3: a problem with me that I don't know about? Because
Speaker 3: I love your brother, I love your son. Can we
Speaker 3: talk about this? Just because to hear it like that
Speaker 3: and being such an outburst, there has to be something
Speaker 3: else either going on. I mean, I would save her
Speaker 3: to last, but I don't know.
Speaker 4: It's so funny you say that because we had this
Speaker 4: conversation yesterday and I'm like, you know, I feel like
Speaker 4: this was obviously a projection of something. But this might
Speaker 4: have something to do with her and his relationship.
Speaker 3: Oh you know, maybe that's.
Speaker 4: What made her because there wasn't anything that led up
Speaker 4: to that other than the changing seats on the raft
Speaker 4: that made her so angry.
Speaker 3: Yeah, is there another sister? Is it just the two
Speaker 3: of them?
Speaker 4: It's just the two of them?
Speaker 3: Yeah, well you're invading her space and you know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, something that pupped up for me reading that, imagining
Speaker 2: myself like if I were the sister blowing up, but
Speaker 2: you is potentially she had some anxiety about the whitewater
Speaker 2: rafting and you moving it like brought out this other stuff.
Speaker 2: But she's also clearly been harboring resentments. And I'm so
Speaker 2: bummed out that this happened to you, but I'm also
Speaker 2: sorry this happened in front of your son, like any adults.
Speaker 4: Was one of the main issues for me was that
Speaker 4: happened in front of my son. I couldn't y knock
Speaker 4: her teeth out, you know, I couldn't. I couldn't scream
Speaker 4: at her. I just went in the other direction.
Speaker 1: But that's okay because you don't want to scream in
Speaker 1: yaw because that's a loss of control. Her screaming at
Speaker 1: you in the middle of a whitewater rafting trip is
Speaker 1: like a complete loss of control. So if any like
Speaker 1: set's on her, Yeah, there's a million ways to have
Speaker 1: a rational conversation when you have issues with somebody. Flipping
Speaker 1: out in the middle of a trip is a loss
Speaker 1: of control that you need to apologize for. That's where
Speaker 1: accountability comes in. You have to go, God, that was
Speaker 1: really inappropriate, especially in front of your kid.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and also if you don't have the guts to
Speaker 3: tell me personally, you need an audience. I don't know
Speaker 3: what that says about her, you know, I think she's
Speaker 3: she's obviously triggered and maybe sounds like she's jealous of
Speaker 3: whatever she thinks you have, including her brother.
Speaker 1: Or angry just at her own circumstances. So what were
Speaker 1: the complaints that she had about you? What did she say?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 4: My god, they were so ridiculous one of the main ones,
Speaker 4: because I didn't hear them from her. The only thing
Speaker 4: on the trip that I heard was that I keep
Speaker 4: bringing up their childhood and she doesn't like that.
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 4: I like to get really deep when I talk to people.
Speaker 4: It's almost to a fault, Like I immediately start talking
Speaker 4: about therapy, and you know, everybody needs therapy. Therapy is great.
Speaker 4: And I live in South Alabama. I live in a
Speaker 4: small southern town, but the people around here just aren't
Speaker 4: that way, you know, And whenever I talk to them
Speaker 4: about it, I can see they get uncomfortable. But I
Speaker 4: almost take that as an opening to keep going and
Speaker 4: like helping them just be happier and live happier lives. Almost,
Speaker 4: you know, we don't have to worry about this other shit.
Speaker 4: We can be on a happy path if we want to.
Speaker 4: But I think maybe they did see me as a threat.
Speaker 4: I don't know, maybe they saw me. That's what our
Speaker 4: therapist is saying, that, like, I caused a disruption in
Speaker 4: their family unit.
Speaker 2: Which is no fault of yours.
Speaker 3: It's not a fault.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm just dating this guy.
Speaker 3: It's not a fault of yours at all. I mean,
Speaker 3: I also think holding a mirror up to people, you know,
Speaker 3: they get really threatened if they don't have the guts
Speaker 3: to do that kind of self exploration, you know, and
Speaker 3: admit things that you know maybe aren't the best about them.
Speaker 3: But this is not your fault. I mean, God, I
Speaker 3: just I want him to come to your aide.
Speaker 4: But I don't want it to be my decision. You know,
Speaker 4: we had this conversation yesterday.
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, I was.
Speaker 4: What I would love for you to do is to
Speaker 4: do this, you know, to go over there and stand
Speaker 4: up for yourself and say this is who I am
Speaker 4: and we're not mad about any of the complaints. His
Speaker 4: mom is the one who came over and kind of
Speaker 4: started using this opportunity to tell me about things that
Speaker 4: have made her angry over the years about me, and
Speaker 4: one of them was that I didn't help do dishes
Speaker 4: on Thanksgiving two years ago. And on my side, I'm like,
Speaker 4: all you had to do was ask, and I'll do
Speaker 4: the dishes, you know. But also I don't really pick
Speaker 4: up after myself when I'm invited to Thanksgiving dinner. You know,
Speaker 4: it's like this was your house, you know, this is
Speaker 4: your stuff, and but all you have to do is ask.
Speaker 4: But it was really petty stuff like that, like I
Speaker 4: didn't help pick up dishes at Thanksgiving, I didn't help
Speaker 4: bring bags over to the campsite. I didn't help them
Speaker 4: unload the stuff from their from their car to their tent.
Speaker 4: Just things like that, and how they don't think I
Speaker 4: treat their son right.
Speaker 1: But well, listen, all of these examples you are giving
Speaker 1: are reasonable things for someone. Listen, when I go to
Speaker 1: somebody's house, I don't know how to do dishes, but
Speaker 1: I always clean up after myself, whether it's someone else's
Speaker 1: house or not. That's just kind of like a nice
Speaker 1: thing to do. So yeah, the things that they're saying, whatever,
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter whether they're right or you're wrong. It's
Speaker 1: just the matter of how you're having the conversation, right,
Speaker 1: if they have resentments and like they shouldn't have to
Speaker 1: ask you to come and help with the dishes as
Speaker 1: a guest, you should try and help. And then they
Speaker 1: either say no or thank you. You know what I mean,
Speaker 1: No you sit down or thank you. You know, there's
Speaker 1: there's a certain like measure of manners that you should
Speaker 1: impart and when, especially when you're at your boyfriend's parents' house,
Speaker 1: just out of decency. Right, So all of these things,
Speaker 1: it's like, Okay, that's a good point, that's a bad point.
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter. It's just a matter of the tenor
Speaker 1: of the conversation. Because they've clearly painted you as this
Speaker 1: person that doesn't help out wherever you go camping over
Speaker 1: to Thanksgiving. They think you're selfish and that I would
Speaker 1: imagine that you don't treat your boyfriend with respect in
Speaker 1: their eyes, that's what they're thinking, right.
Speaker 3: It's funny. The dishes thing is a funny thing because
Speaker 3: my daughter just recently said to me, she said, Mom,
Speaker 3: I'm amazed at how badly behaved a lot of young
Speaker 3: people are. She said, whenever we're at dinner at someone
Speaker 3: else's house. She was like, mom my, sister and I
Speaker 3: are always the first up to go help with the dishes.
Speaker 3: And it's either oh my god, thank you so much
Speaker 3: or no, no, no, Annie, sit down, like you know,
Speaker 3: but it's that little gesture. There are little things that
Speaker 3: go a long way, but these things feel that there's
Speaker 3: something deeper. Yes, that they're using these petty things to say, Oh,
Speaker 3: she's a princess, she doesn't want to help with anything.
Speaker 3: You're obviously not that, but it feels like there's something deeper.
Speaker 3: You know, you're taking her son away? Are you his
Speaker 3: first real relationship? You know, you're the other woman with
Speaker 3: regards to the sister. Whenever these things happen, it's always
Speaker 3: about that person. The person doling out.
Speaker 4: The person doing that is the person with the issue
Speaker 4: for sure.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's hard for you to say, but it's
Speaker 1: also important to say to take accountability when it's when
Speaker 1: you don't even feel like you've done anything wrong. You
Speaker 1: know what I mean. To be a bigger person in
Speaker 1: this larger conversation that you're having about your relationship, I
Speaker 1: think it's really important for you to consider everything that
Speaker 1: they're saying and whether or not you think you're wrong
Speaker 1: or right, doesn't matter, right, It's just about the actual
Speaker 1: tenor of the conversation. Because if you come back at
Speaker 1: them calmly in a month or so or whatever and say, hey, listen,
Speaker 1: I've thought a lot about everything you guys said, and
Speaker 1: I want to take some accountability and responsibility for my
Speaker 1: end of the thing, and I will definitely contribute more
Speaker 1: and this and that. But I also you also need
Speaker 1: something in return for that too. So when you're going
Speaker 1: to therapy with you and your boyfriend, like when you
Speaker 1: say your boyfriend doesn't know how to move on from this,
Speaker 1: you've been together for four years, are you contemplating splitting
Speaker 1: up over this?
Speaker 4: It was actually it was a thought just because I
Speaker 4: felt like I was coming between him and his family.
Speaker 1: But isn't that a defensive thought though? Is that a
Speaker 1: real thought or a defensive Yeah, it.
Speaker 4: Was totally an insecurity. It was fully based off of
Speaker 4: he's going to choose them, so I better hurry up
Speaker 4: and in this uh huh right, So I was just
Speaker 4: this whole thing just made me really uncomfortable, Like the
Speaker 4: face to face confrontation kind of scared me. And I'm like, well,
Speaker 4: my son is traumatized, and I've tried to have open
Speaker 4: conversations with him just just so he's not traumatized. Do
Speaker 4: you think sitting down and having a face to face
Speaker 4: conversation with his parents would be beneficial.
Speaker 1: I think that you need to. I think yes, I
Speaker 1: think you're on the defense and you have every I
Speaker 1: understand why, but I think you need to, like love
Speaker 1: or your defenses and come from a place of understanding
Speaker 1: and love because they're looking at you as a threat
Speaker 1: and a loss. So like you have to be bigger
Speaker 1: than that, and you have to go Okay, these people
Speaker 1: are scared that they're going to lose their son. They
Speaker 1: found a bunch of things they don't like about me.
Speaker 1: Let me make this easier for everybody, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, And you be the bigger person who cares
Speaker 1: how they behaved, who cares how they acted. You can
Speaker 1: actually make like a blueprint for them moving forward on
Speaker 1: how you're all going to communicate together. So it is
Speaker 1: a big opportunity for you to be a bigger person
Speaker 1: and to actually come from your heart, not being defensive,
Speaker 1: not trying to get rid of him before he gets
Speaker 1: rid of you, or get rid of him before his
Speaker 1: family gets rid of you, because that's not really anything,
Speaker 1: you know, then you might just be losing somebody that's
Speaker 1: supposed to be in your life. If you put the
Speaker 1: effort forth, coming from a place of love and then
Speaker 1: it doesn't work out, then you have no regrets and
Speaker 1: you have nothing to be ashamed about, nothing at all
Speaker 1: to be ashamed about.
Speaker 3: And the most disarming thing is coming at people with love,
Speaker 3: because I always say to my daughter's tug of war
Speaker 3: only works if both people are pulling. And it's so
Speaker 3: disarming to sort of say, all right, I'm going to
Speaker 3: own my part in this. But when these conversations, I've
Speaker 3: learned not to say you made me feel like this,
Speaker 3: you did this. I say, when you said that, all
Speaker 3: of this insecurity came up in me, and I'm so
Speaker 3: sorry if I haven't. I didn't know that was the
Speaker 3: proper I didn't know that's what you wanted. And I'll
Speaker 3: always you know. And it's once you give them the
Speaker 3: littlest thing, like you know, I'd love to help you
Speaker 3: in the kitchen, didn't I didn't think Whatever the reason is,
Speaker 3: then you've lowered the frenetic, like you said, the tenor
Speaker 3: of the whole communication and then you can say, you know,
Speaker 3: I'm not trying to steal your son. I love this,
Speaker 3: you know, family, or whatever you have to say. But
Speaker 3: I do think that once you come at it from
Speaker 3: a place like Chelsea said, of love, nobody can fight
Speaker 3: against that. There's no nothing to fight against. Now, they
Speaker 3: may not be the kind of arrived people emotionally that
Speaker 3: will be able to handle it. You kind of have
Speaker 3: to be ready for that too, you know. And then
Speaker 3: you're like, look, I'm not I'm not trying to fight
Speaker 3: with you. I'm trying to understand because I felt hurt
Speaker 3: and I felt embarrassed in front of my son, and
Speaker 3: this is an important moment. You know, we were on
Speaker 3: a vacation. That's a very intimate thing, and I don't
Speaker 3: want that to be the memory from this. Can we
Speaker 3: move through this and can we have an open conversation
Speaker 3: so that we can all own this and own our
Speaker 3: truth without hurting each other.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's such a good perspective. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's the harder thing to do. It's the high road,
Speaker 3: you know. Oh yeah, but it's so admirable and it's
Speaker 3: so freeing because like Chelsea said, then there's zero regret.
Speaker 1: And also there's no defensive like you know, if she's defensive,
Speaker 1: if the sister's defensive, if the mother's defensive, you don't
Speaker 1: match that defensiveness. The only way to diffuse that is
Speaker 1: to have no reaction to that, right, So if someone's
Speaker 1: screaming at you and you're not screaming back at them
Speaker 1: and you're just looking at them, then where do they go?
Speaker 1: But that situation just diffuses. It has to because you
Speaker 1: can't yell alone. So like that's where I would say
Speaker 1: to a you know, to go to mentally when you
Speaker 1: have this conversation, and should be in person, and it
Speaker 1: should be with the whole family because they owe you
Speaker 1: that for putting you in that situation in the first place,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean.
Speaker 3: And also I think that he obviously these are two
Speaker 3: very strong women in his life. Was that his dad there?
Speaker 4: Mom and dad weren't on the raft with us. They
Speaker 4: were back at the campsite. Oh okay, but yeah he
Speaker 4: was there so to speek.
Speaker 3: I wonder if that's the dynamic that has been set
Speaker 3: since he was a little boy. You know, you've got
Speaker 3: these two demonstrative women, then he always is silenced or
Speaker 3: his masculinity is not you know important, or he watches
Speaker 3: how his mother treats his dead or whatever that is, Like,
Speaker 3: that's the stuff that that's coming up and hopefully will
Speaker 3: be dealt with in therapy. But what's really hard to
Speaker 3: do is to put him also in a position like saying,
Speaker 3: why didn't you stick up for me? That's also a
Speaker 3: defensive you know, that's also very difficult because if he
Speaker 3: doesn't know how to stick up for himself and probably
Speaker 3: never did as a child or with these women, it
Speaker 3: doesn't matter how much he loves you, it's gonna he
Speaker 3: doesn't have the tools yet. He hasn't learned how to
Speaker 3: stick up for yourself, vote with love.
Speaker 1: And remember if that's his blueprint for women, like you're
Speaker 1: also that woman in his life, another strong willed, powerful woman,
Speaker 1: So remember that when you're dealing with him, because you
Speaker 1: want to have your own dynamic with him, so that
Speaker 1: there's also value in dissecting that and therapy with alone
Speaker 1: and with each other.
Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, he's never really uncovered any truths about
Speaker 4: his past until recently. So while I'm like repairing from
Speaker 4: what happened on the camping trip, he's repairing from all
Speaker 4: all these years of trauma and from his childhood unlearning
Speaker 4: things that he learned as a kid.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Wow, that kind of patience is huge. And you know,
Speaker 3: I've found in my relationships that I'm always better off
Speaker 3: if I somehow give them the space to have whatever
Speaker 3: and without being the one that says you have to
Speaker 3: do this and I want this, and because you can
Speaker 3: do all that. By the way, the fact that he's
Speaker 3: going to therapy with you is huge.
Speaker 1: Huge, Yeah, it is huge.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, And I think that that's where you guys
Speaker 3: can heal, you know, I think in that together and
Speaker 3: that's just yours, that's nothing that's not his family.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah, we did make the decision this year. I was
Speaker 4: going to ask you, So, my birthday is the day
Speaker 4: after Christmas. His birthday is on the thirtieth, and every
Speaker 4: year on Christmas Eve, we go to his uncle's house
Speaker 4: for this big Christmas Eve thing. His sister and his
Speaker 4: nephew go and his mom and dad and just kind
Speaker 4: of an intimates Eve thing. We made the decision not
Speaker 4: to go just because his sister's going to be there.
Speaker 4: It was hard, but we made the decision. So I
Speaker 4: was listening to him one day we were on our
Speaker 4: lunch break and he got emotional talking about not going
Speaker 4: to Christmas Eve. So I'm like, what, I'm going to
Speaker 4: throw a surprise party for him. I've got to do
Speaker 4: something for him. I've got to repair this. He's upset.
Speaker 4: So I texted his mom and I said, I'd love
Speaker 4: to throw a surprise party on the thirtieth, on his birthday.
Speaker 4: I'd love for you guys to be there, if you
Speaker 4: could bring his nephew, and if you could reach out
Speaker 4: to his uncles as well to come, I.
Speaker 1: Would love that.
Speaker 4: And they said, what is Mom's response was this puts
Speaker 4: us in an uncomfortable position because they wouldn't want to
Speaker 4: bring the sun without his mom. They're basically his sister,
Speaker 4: and I understand that for sure, But now I'm like, well,
Speaker 4: since I was shot down, that was kind of embarrassing
Speaker 4: because I've put myself out there.
Speaker 1: But you're being defensive again. You're being defensive, yeah, but as.
Speaker 3: You put yourself out there in a way that's very hard,
Speaker 3: because what that is that's almost like you're doubling down
Speaker 3: yes by going, oh, yeah, well I'm going to throw
Speaker 3: this party for him, that's not.
Speaker 1: And then but putting them in a position where they're
Speaker 1: not going to invite their own daughter. So that's not
Speaker 1: correct what you did. Okay, I'm going to be very
Speaker 1: honest with you, obviously because I can't be anything else.
Speaker 1: But I think you were really coming from a place
Speaker 1: where you have to adjust a little bit now too.
Speaker 1: These people definitely have adjustments to make, but you need
Speaker 1: to adjust because you're putting them in a position where
Speaker 1: they have to leave out their daughter for their son's
Speaker 1: birth birthday party. Think about that. That's not cool for
Speaker 1: you to do to a family, and that is a
Speaker 1: disruption to a family. And if the most generous thing
Speaker 1: you can do is send his mother a text back
Speaker 1: and say, you know what, Okay, I understand that this
Speaker 1: puts you in a difficult position. He's very upset about
Speaker 1: missing Christmas Eve. Either agree to go with him and
Speaker 1: go together and barry the hatchet and send everyone an
Speaker 1: email beforehand saying this is such an important holiday for
Speaker 1: your boyfriend and I want to be there for him,
Speaker 1: and I just want to be there in support and
Speaker 1: love and I don't want to have any issues or
Speaker 1: any problems. However, you want to say it in the
Speaker 1: most gracious way you can find Unearthed all of the
Speaker 1: therapy that you have gleaned and use it and give
Speaker 1: it out right now, and then go to this Christmas
Speaker 1: Eve dinner if you can, if not, let him go
Speaker 1: without you, you know, let him be with his family.
Speaker 1: Don't take people's families from them. Oh yeah, you know.
Speaker 4: No, I definitely don't want I don't want it to
Speaker 4: be my decision at all.
Speaker 1: Right, but just offer it up, I say offered.
Speaker 3: I mean I was going to say that early. I
Speaker 3: was just trying to ease and do it. But I
Speaker 3: think the best thing you can do for him and
Speaker 3: for yourself is to go to No. I don't believe
Speaker 3: they've uninvited you. I'm assuming not, but to go and
Speaker 3: kill him with kindness and whatever it is. I'm sorry
Speaker 3: I didn't help you in the kitchen. I know holidays
Speaker 3: are really stressful. I wasn't thinking properly jump in the
Speaker 3: kitchen and be like I'm cleaning all the dishes or
Speaker 3: without making it a thing, but saying like, I apologize,
Speaker 3: What can I do to help?
Speaker 1: Yeah, you don't even have to bring up the dishes.
Speaker 1: Just go there this time and help and do all
Speaker 1: the things that they accused you of. Just go in there.
Speaker 1: You don't have to make it a thing, have a conversation,
Speaker 1: just a show by example that you heard what they said,
Speaker 1: regardless of how they came to you, and regardless of
Speaker 1: the altercation that happened on the boat. You be the
Speaker 1: bigger person. This is a huge opportunity for you to
Speaker 1: go in. You were going to leave that Christmas Eve
Speaker 1: dinner feeling fucking victorious. Yeah, God, I hope so you are.
Speaker 1: I promise you you are. You're going to report back
Speaker 1: to us right after.
Speaker 3: Also, and that's the most loving thing that you can
Speaker 3: do for yourself and for your boyfriend.
Speaker 1: And you need to apologize to his mother for putting
Speaker 1: them in that situation. Also, just say, you know what,
Speaker 1: I wasn't thinking. You're right. I wasn't thinking that wasn't right.
Speaker 1: I'm very sorry for doing that, and I apologize, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean.
Speaker 3: And then leave it at that. Just then that's it.
Speaker 1: You put that in a text back to her, you know,
Speaker 1: which she said, you're putting us in an uncomfortable situation.
Speaker 1: Was that a text from her?
Speaker 4: Yeah, that was a text from his mom.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think you should apologize to her, say you're right,
Speaker 1: I didn't see it that way, I get it now,
Speaker 1: and then whether you want to text them about showing
Speaker 1: up for Christmas or talk to your boyfriend and how
Speaker 1: he wants to handle it, but let him know that
Speaker 1: you're ready to go and play ball and have a
Speaker 1: great time and there are no hard feelings and you
Speaker 1: can deal with the other stuff later.
Speaker 4: Do you think that I should have a conversation with
Speaker 4: his sister and I just don't see no confrontation kind
Speaker 4: of Well.
Speaker 1: You can send her a text or an email and
Speaker 1: just say, hey, listen, Christmas Eve is coming up. This
Speaker 1: is what's your boyfriend's name, Taylor, Taylor. I know we
Speaker 1: have some stuff, unfinished business or whatever however you want
Speaker 1: to frame it, but be like, this is the holiday season.
Speaker 1: I just want Taylor to be with his family and
Speaker 1: be happy. I know this is meaningful to him. I'm
Speaker 1: going to do my best to show up for you
Speaker 1: guys in the ways that you don't think I have
Speaker 1: or whatever. Just you know what I mean. Vacline the
Speaker 1: whole situation and then go in and demonstrate the fact
Speaker 1: that you heard what they said and you're still in therapy.
Speaker 1: You guys have all the time in the world to
Speaker 1: figure out the nuances and the intricacies of how you
Speaker 1: want to handle this situation. But in the meantime, go
Speaker 1: and show yourself and make the situation lovely. It's a
Speaker 1: good challenge for yourself. You don't have to get into
Speaker 1: it with anybody. If anyone says anything untoured towards you,
Speaker 1: just let it roll over, you know, let it roll
Speaker 1: off your back. Use it as an exercise.
Speaker 3: And also you've said more than one time, I don't
Speaker 3: want it to be my decision. Well, it has to
Speaker 3: be your decision, but it has to be your decision
Speaker 3: under the right auspices, you know, with the right heart,
Speaker 3: because he's in trauma with them all, with the whole
Speaker 3: process and dealing with issues that he's had with his
Speaker 3: parents or with his mom and his sister. You know,
Speaker 3: this is not the first time. I'm sure something they
Speaker 3: have put him in some this position before. He's looking
Speaker 3: to you, also without saying it, to make a decision,
Speaker 3: but do it because of love, and they won't have
Speaker 3: anything to fight against. But you know, Chelsea's right, like
Speaker 3: the actions are going to speak louder than any text
Speaker 3: any words.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I want you to think about it in
Speaker 1: this way when you go in there. This relationship may
Speaker 1: work and there or this relationship may not work. But
Speaker 1: either way, they were always going to look back at
Speaker 1: the Christmas Eve that their son missed and blame the
Speaker 1: girl that was beat the cause of that. Yeah, So
Speaker 1: don't be that girl person, Go be the girl that
Speaker 1: actually looked over all of it and said, fuck it,
Speaker 1: we're coming anyway. I'm a bigger person than this. I'm
Speaker 1: not going to let you bring me down. I'm going
Speaker 1: to be here to support my boyfriend, and I'm going
Speaker 1: to be here and show you what a loving family
Speaker 1: member I can be, just for now, just so that
Speaker 1: that's not the memory that any of you have that
Speaker 1: he missed at Christmas Eve with his family because of
Speaker 1: some woman, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 3: Yeah? Absolutely, and your son too. It's really good for
Speaker 3: your son to see how you've processed this information and
Speaker 3: see how you show up. Oh yeah, see how you
Speaker 3: show up for yourself and the graciousness of that is
Speaker 3: such a good trait.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Oh my god.
Speaker 3: That Yeah.
Speaker 4: I really need to stop being defensive.
Speaker 1: Yes, stop being defensive, and think of these two words,
Speaker 1: grace and dignity. Grace and dignity whenever I am dealing
Speaker 1: with somebody that I want to fucking kill. I think
Speaker 1: about grace and dignity and then I just exude that
Speaker 1: Oh my god.
Speaker 4: And yeah, and putting myself in an uncomfortable position is
Speaker 4: only going to be beneficial for me. You know, nothing
Speaker 4: bad can come from that.
Speaker 3: They also, you know that they've put you in a
Speaker 3: position to It's like they're trying to win, right, and
Speaker 3: so if you cow away or then pull him away,
Speaker 3: they they've won. You know, they've won, and they're right
Speaker 3: in everything they've said. But if you show them in
Speaker 3: the merit that they're actually not right and this is
Speaker 3: how and this is why, then there's nothing else. Either
Speaker 3: there's something much much deeper, and it'll come out or
Speaker 3: it won't come out. But the important thing is is
Speaker 3: that you are taking this and saying, wow, I had
Speaker 3: no idea. Whether you agree with it or not is
Speaker 3: not the point. Yeah, these little like.
Speaker 4: I hurt them in some way and just that alone.
Speaker 3: Did they ever say that word you hurt me?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 4: But you know, there were a lot of different things
Speaker 4: that happened that were said. I don't really remember all
Speaker 4: of them. I just immediately put up a guard, immediately
Speaker 4: got defensive, like whoa whoa, whoa whoa whoa Like y'all
Speaker 4: have never said this to me. And that's kind of
Speaker 4: what I was focusing on, was the fact that they've
Speaker 4: never said that to me, but they're saying it now,
Speaker 4: so now I address it, you know, yes.
Speaker 3: And also you know this is the way you've really
Speaker 3: always felt about me. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to
Speaker 3: do anything to you, and that it was never my intention, And.
Speaker 1: Try not to play like a victim role at all.
Speaker 1: Just try not to be emotional about it. I understand
Speaker 1: you have your emotions and you have your right to them,
Speaker 1: but like, just try to be even and just think
Speaker 1: about grace and dignity throughout the whole thing. Even if
Speaker 1: someone says something untowared or unkind or a little you know, slight,
Speaker 1: you can just look the other way and just not engage,
Speaker 1: not react. It's not your place. You're just here to
Speaker 1: support your boyfriend. That's it. Yeah.
Speaker 4: Don't make it about me, right, yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And don't make it a self fulfilling prophecy that
Speaker 2: you're the gal coming in to keep him from his family.
Speaker 4: I'm being the bigger person. Yeah, yeah, this is what
Speaker 4: this is yeah.
Speaker 3: And yeah, don't expect a like a metal or anything either,
Speaker 3: Like that's they'd be like, but I've done the altruistic thing,
Speaker 3: you know, and it's like, yeah, that's not the way
Speaker 3: it works. And it's like it's almost like you have
Speaker 3: to do a random act of kindness, you know.
Speaker 2: A very targeted, random active kindness.
Speaker 4: Yeah, to snap out of it.
Speaker 3: My mom used to pay the toll of the car
Speaker 3: behind us and then just keep driving and she and
Speaker 3: I'd say, oh, well, you know, they don't know it
Speaker 3: to you, and she goes, that's why it's a random
Speaker 3: active kindness. You don't pull over on the side of
Speaker 3: the road and point to yourself. I paid me. You
Speaker 3: know you're welcome. Now you do it without getting anything.
Speaker 1: Back, right, Yeah?
Speaker 2: Yeah, well Jesse, let us know how it goes, okay,
Speaker 2: and I will very good luck.
Speaker 3: Thank you. I think there's son. It's the best thing
Speaker 3: to do for.
Speaker 4: Your son, to conflict of a resolution. We've been talking
Speaker 4: a lot about about that, like how kids will see
Speaker 4: arguments and they don't see them resolved. So but I
Speaker 4: can't thank y'all enough. This was like huge for me,
Speaker 4: and I'm just I'm really, really, really happy that I
Speaker 4: got to talk to all all.
Speaker 1: Right, well, good luck with everything, okay, thank you, and
Speaker 1: keep us posting Essie.
Speaker 3: Okay, thank you, I will all right, bye, bye bye, Brooke.
Speaker 2: You're so good at this.
Speaker 3: Oh god, I've never done anything like this before in
Speaker 3: my life. I'm sweating you, guys.
Speaker 1: She took up our whole fucking episode. I was like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, this is a serious situation, because, you
Speaker 1: know what, when that call started, I was like same,
Speaker 1: And once they I realized what they said to her,
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, wait a second, maybe they have a
Speaker 1: fucking point, because you know, there are obviously two sides
Speaker 1: to every story. And then with her defensiveness, I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: we're gonna have to spend a little extra time with
Speaker 1: her because she does need to take it down a notch.
Speaker 3: Right, Right, if someone showed up in my house, I
Speaker 3: don't care who they are, and they didn't at least
Speaker 3: attempt to help with the dishes, it's like one oh one.
Speaker 1: So that's a little bit of skew. Right, You don't say,
Speaker 1: nobody's gonna say, can you come help with the dishes?
Speaker 1: As a guest? No, I don't have That's not their job.
Speaker 1: To ask you.
Speaker 3: It's your job to get my mom. This was I
Speaker 3: was like a kid, kid, like five or something, and
Speaker 3: I went over to this little rich boy's house and
Speaker 3: after we were finished eating, I brought my dishes to
Speaker 3: the sink. And the mom called my mom later and said, yes, well,
Speaker 3: we just wanted you to know that we have people
Speaker 3: to do that. And so you tell your daughter that
Speaker 3: she shouldn't bring her dishes to the sink. And my
Speaker 3: mother said, well, we don't have people, and don't worry
Speaker 3: about it because she's never coming over to your house again. Click.
Speaker 3: She was always like, come on, kim On, you're gonna
Speaker 3: do it. Their little things go a long way.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, seriously.
Speaker 2: So let's take a quick break and we'll be right
Speaker 2: back to wrap up with Brooke and Chelsea.
Speaker 1: And we're back to wrap up with Bookshield, who it's
Speaker 1: been as a light as Oh my god, good advice. Brook.
Speaker 1: That was our longest call ever, I think, Catherine.
Speaker 2: So but it was complicated.
Speaker 3: Well, I'm kind of both.
Speaker 1: No, I was down for it. Listen, I could have
Speaker 1: been on the phone with her all day. I'm down
Speaker 1: with that right totally.
Speaker 2: Well, you know what, Brooke, do you have any advice
Speaker 2: you'd like from Chelsea?
Speaker 1: Yes, Brook, do you have any advice you'd like to
Speaker 1: ask me?
Speaker 3: Well, there was one bit of advice that I was like,
Speaker 3: because I don't this is really from your special because
Speaker 3: I'm really bad with any kind of drug, Like I
Speaker 3: can't take anything. And I was like, I'm going to
Speaker 3: ask her what she thinks would work for me to
Speaker 3: sort of dial me down a little bit every once
Speaker 3: in a while so that I could relax a little more.
Speaker 1: Yeah, honestly, I don't think you're think you're cut out
Speaker 1: for drugs either. I know what you mean. I know.
Speaker 1: I mean, like a hit of a joint would be
Speaker 1: fine for you. Not an edible because those are like
Speaker 1: long being, but like just a hit, not a joint,
Speaker 1: but just a hit would just take the edge off
Speaker 1: and make you a little bit loosey, goosey and giggly
Speaker 1: and not probably as tightly wound as you may feel,
Speaker 1: because I can I know you and you've talked about it,
Speaker 1: and you know I feel tightly wound a lot of
Speaker 1: the times too, even though people would not find that
Speaker 1: hard to believe. I am. You know, I can be
Speaker 1: really stressed out about stuff, and I find a hit
Speaker 1: of a joint, not a smoking a joint. A cannabis
Speaker 1: drink would be good too. I'll send you some leisure
Speaker 1: Town here.
Speaker 3: So you know what I'd do, though, is I try
Speaker 3: to beat it, like I try to win at it.
Speaker 3: So the moment where you go, wait a minute, did
Speaker 3: I did I just go somewhere or no, I'm back?
Speaker 3: That makes me like panic?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know. I can't need to have like less
Speaker 1: than two and a half milligrams. You need leisure Town.
Speaker 1: This is a cannabis drink that has two and a
Speaker 1: half milligrams. You have to start with that and it
Speaker 1: just microdose and that's it and that's all you need
Speaker 1: and you will feel it and you won't get crazy
Speaker 1: and you won't go overboard.
Speaker 3: Okay, I mean I like tequila.
Speaker 1: Oh you do like tequila? Yeah, I liked I loved you.
Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with drinking. You don't have a drinking problem. Books.
Speaker 1: You don't have to worry about becoming your mother. That's
Speaker 1: already a wrap like You're not that person, right.
Speaker 3: I do have one question, though this is a different
Speaker 3: type of question as a you said you're not an actress,
Speaker 3: but you really your talent and your performance, the level
Speaker 3: of rejection that is in this industry, Yes, how do
Speaker 3: you find the way to say no, I'm I'm really
Speaker 3: good and I'm going to keep putting myself out there
Speaker 3: and I'm not going to take it personally. You know,
Speaker 3: when you get doors slammed in your face or you
Speaker 3: don't get so many of these things, what's the thing
Speaker 3: inside you that makes you say no, no, no, no, no, no, no, nope, nope, nope.
Speaker 3: I will not be rejected like this.
Speaker 1: I'm a hustler. God, that's me too, And you're always
Speaker 1: gonna hear I've been here this whole time. So you've
Speaker 1: been here for thirty something years forty well for you,
Speaker 1: I don't even know how many years are fifty seven.
Speaker 3: Because I started when I was eleven months old.
Speaker 1: Right, Okay, there you go, And so you've been here
Speaker 1: this whole time, so you're not going anywhere. So fuck
Speaker 1: anybody who says no. Listen, rejection fucking sucks. I've rejected
Speaker 1: all the time too. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts,
Speaker 1: it hurts, But it's not all there is. There's always
Speaker 1: there's acceptance, and there's the one person that says yes,
Speaker 1: or the one person that gives you the deal or
Speaker 1: the opportunity or the podcast or this or that. And
Speaker 1: when you're a hustler, you will always find a way.
Speaker 1: So that's what you are.
Speaker 3: That's the way I've lived my life. And you know,
Speaker 3: people will say to me, oh, you have such a
Speaker 3: varied career. I'm like, why do you think that is?
Speaker 3: That's when I'm shut out over here. I'm like, oh, God,
Speaker 3: write a book or you know. And right, it's because
Speaker 3: I will not not be creative in some way or another.
Speaker 3: I just I hadn't heard you say it that way.
Speaker 3: I've always when people say how are you, I say,
Speaker 3: it's all a h no matter what, it's all awesome. Yeah,
Speaker 3: And there's something liberating about that too.
Speaker 1: So yeah, you know what. Also, I'm proud of being
Speaker 1: a hustler. I'd love to go that's a fucking great
Speaker 1: way to be.
Speaker 3: Yeah, my mom would be proud of both of us.
Speaker 1: Well, thank you Brooks so much. It was such a
Speaker 1: fun time talking to you. Thanks for taking the time
Speaker 1: to do this.
Speaker 3: Thank you. You look like you're in a beautiful, snowy place.
Speaker 3: I hope you're in a special place, whatever that is,
Speaker 3: and enjoying the weather.
Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you.
Speaker 3: I am good, feel better.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Have a great Thanks you, bruh.
Speaker 3: Thank you.
Speaker 1: Don't forget to watch my special on Netflix. You guys revolution.
Speaker 1: It's a revolution.
Speaker 2: So if you'd like advice from Chelsea, just send us
Speaker 2: an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea is a production of iHeartRadio, executive produced by
Speaker 2: Nick Stuff, produced by Catherine Law, and edited and engineered
Speaker 2: by Brad Dickert.