Speaker 1: We mad nosy, So we got a whole episode of
Speaker 1: listener letters.
Speaker 2: This is probably every season one of my most favorite shows.
Speaker 2: But y'all know that already. Dead Ass.
Speaker 3: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with our.
Speaker 3: Voice and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.
Speaker 1: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 3: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes.
Speaker 1: Sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue
Speaker 1: about some of Li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 3: Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 1: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
Speaker 1: is a term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 1: We about to take philos off to our whole new level.
Speaker 3: Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: We have some very deep listener letters today, are they Yes,
Speaker 1: We're gonna jump right into it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I realized we on the lineup we have
Speaker 2: about four. But it's because y'all have been doing such
Speaker 2: an amazing job of making sure that we get all
Speaker 2: the tea. We want you to paint the entire picture.
Speaker 2: Don't leave any details out because the more details you
Speaker 2: leave out, the more we are left to assume. And
Speaker 2: we don't want to do that because you know what
Speaker 2: happens when you assume, baby.
Speaker 1: Make an ass out of you and yourself.
Speaker 2: Because nothing to do with that, nothing to do, nothing
Speaker 2: to do it is all right, So let's just go
Speaker 2: ahead and get started with number one.
Speaker 3: Do you want to go first?
Speaker 1: Baby? You know I'll go first today.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much, shake things up for y'all. You
Speaker 3: know what I'm saying, all right?
Speaker 1: Do you think number one? Hey, y'all, first, I want
Speaker 1: to start off by saying that I'm a huge fan
Speaker 1: and I've been watching supporting y'all since Kate was pregnant
Speaker 1: with Kyro. Thank you so very much.
Speaker 3: I want it back in the day joint.
Speaker 1: I'm going to try to make this short, but bear
Speaker 1: with me. According to the page and a half letter,
Speaker 1: this will not be short. I'm currently going through my
Speaker 1: first very official heartbreak. Me and the person, me and
Speaker 1: the person started dating. I wonder why to see me
Speaker 1: and the person? Me and the person started dating long
Speaker 1: distance back in March of twenty twenty one, we were
Speaker 1: making it work despite all of the obstacles that were
Speaker 1: throwing our way. However, in August twenty twenty two, things
Speaker 1: took an unknown turn. He fell into a ain't the funny,
Speaker 1: she said the person, and then she said he she
Speaker 1: really must be mad at this person he is giving that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he fell into a depressive state and never told me.
Speaker 1: So this was about three months of him not communicating
Speaker 1: his true feelings and not being vulnerable with me. A
Speaker 1: week before I went to visit him, he tried to
Speaker 1: break up with me, but I didn't take it serious
Speaker 1: because to me, everything was fine. So I went to
Speaker 1: see him for my Thanksgiving break and the vibes was
Speaker 1: just off. He revealed to me that he wasn't happy
Speaker 1: with himself and that he wanted us to break up
Speaker 1: so I can find someone better. Wow, he was self sabotaged,
Speaker 1: and that's what it sounds like our relationship. So I
Speaker 1: begged him to stay with me because this is the
Speaker 1: only real problem we've had to deal with, and I
Speaker 1: took it. That's him running as soon as things got hard.
Speaker 1: So we ended up working it out and stayed together
Speaker 1: about two maybe three weeks later, I was back at
Speaker 1: school and he wanted to break it with me again
Speaker 1: over the same thing, and I'm begging him again to
Speaker 1: stay and work it out. This went on for about
Speaker 1: two weeks until I eventually gave up because I was
Speaker 1: tired of being the only one fighting. After that, he
Speaker 1: told me once he got his mental state together, he
Speaker 1: wanted to try again. Fast forwarding now March twenty three.
Speaker 1: We haven't spoken for overall month, but I'm waiting for him,
Speaker 1: and everyone says that I should move on and enjoy
Speaker 1: the college experience by talking to different guys. Yes, I'm
Speaker 1: twenty one, but I just want to know if I'm
Speaker 1: wrong for waiting for the one person who I feel
Speaker 1: understands me and that I feel like is my soulmate.
Speaker 1: Keep in mind, this is my first official relationship and
Speaker 1: we lost our virginity to each other. That's what it
Speaker 1: is right there. Sorry for the long story, and I
Speaker 1: appreciate any advice I could get.
Speaker 2: Aw First of all, the fact that twenty one year
Speaker 2: olds want to listen to what we have to say.
Speaker 2: I think that's so cool. It makes me feel like
Speaker 2: an auntie. Exist No, not the auntie trying to be
Speaker 2: nobody honesty, but a cool big says. I love that.
Speaker 2: It's interesting because we can speak from the perspective of
Speaker 2: being together in college, right, And the first thing I'm
Speaker 2: inclined to say to her is, yes, girl, go ahead
Speaker 2: and enjoy that college experience, because you're gonna want to
Speaker 2: talk to different guys and you're gonna want to see
Speaker 2: what's out there. And that's literally the exact rhetoric that
Speaker 2: was spewed to me when I met Devo. But I
Speaker 2: was willing to stop at nothing to be with Devo,
Speaker 2: even though me myself was not necessarily even looking for
Speaker 2: a relationship, because I ultimately felt like he was the one.
Speaker 2: I think the difference here, though, with that situation, or
Speaker 2: our situation rather with her, is that you were kind
Speaker 2: of bought into it too, and it doesn't seem like
Speaker 2: this gentleman here who she's referring to is ready for that.
Speaker 3: And it's hard when you feel like you're the only
Speaker 3: one fighting in the relationship.
Speaker 2: I know you felt like there was moments where I
Speaker 2: was completely detached and you were the only one fighting,
Speaker 2: and vice versa. So I get that perspective, but I
Speaker 2: also feel like, maybe you're so young like, there's so
Speaker 2: much life to live, and you know he may be
Speaker 2: your person and he's that person that understands you and
Speaker 2: I know is very delicate when you lose your virginity
Speaker 2: to someone, like that's a connection that you feel like
Speaker 2: you have waited a particularly long point in your life.
Speaker 2: You're on your twenty one, you finally lose your virginity
Speaker 2: to someone, only to see that this person you know
Speaker 2: does not want to be with you. And again, it
Speaker 2: may not be because of any kind of bad blood
Speaker 2: or anything. It just seems like he's just not in
Speaker 2: a good mental space. Do you think that's what it
Speaker 2: is the valid Do you think that he may be
Speaker 2: using that as an excuse too, to be like, I
Speaker 2: just don't necessarily want to be with you.
Speaker 1: I'm going to be honest right now, a lot of
Speaker 1: people these days are using mental health as a way
Speaker 1: to get out of things. Not saying that he's not
Speaker 1: dealing with that, right but it sounds to me like
Speaker 1: he's a young man who's in a relationship with a
Speaker 1: young woman who he may have lost interests, or he
Speaker 1: may be interested in going out and seeking other opportunities
Speaker 1: just because he's also a young man. The easiest. You know,
Speaker 1: back in the day, it used to be it's not you,
Speaker 1: it's me. But now when you can couple, it's not you,
Speaker 1: it's my mental health. Now people are more inclined to
Speaker 1: be like, oh, let me give you the space you
Speaker 1: need for your mental health, because back in the day
Speaker 1: it was just it's not you, it's me. That's what
Speaker 1: it sounds like. Here. It sounds like they're both young,
Speaker 1: they were having fun. He's ready to try something else,
Speaker 1: so it's not you, it's me type of thing. And
Speaker 1: when you use mental health nowadays, it's a trigger word
Speaker 1: for people to give you your space and be let
Speaker 1: down easy.
Speaker 3: And it's typically a delicate situation.
Speaker 2: But also too, I don't want it to muddy the
Speaker 2: water for people who legitimately do have no health issues too,
Speaker 2: you know. But I get what you're saying. So many
Speaker 2: people are just spewing mental health, mental health. I need
Speaker 2: a break because of this. You've seen it with you know,
Speaker 2: famous athletes and entertainers, and you know that's been more
Speaker 2: of the focus now too.
Speaker 3: But are people using that you think as an excuse
Speaker 3: Sometimes for.
Speaker 1: Us it's impossible to tell when they're using it on sue,
Speaker 1: So you never want to label it. But what I'm
Speaker 1: saying is based on what she's saying. Everything in his
Speaker 1: behavior and everything sounds like he just wants to do
Speaker 1: something else, you know what I'm saying. That's that's what
Speaker 1: it sounds like to me. And it's easier to say
Speaker 1: I need a break for my mental health than it's
Speaker 1: to say I just want to break up, because maybe
Speaker 1: he's trying to let her down easy and say it's
Speaker 1: not you, it's not it's me. In a different way,
Speaker 1: it's a new age version of it's a new year.
Speaker 1: To me, it sounds like a new age version of it. Now.
Speaker 1: I can't say that he doesn't have mental health issues,
Speaker 1: but he also could have said to her, you know,
Speaker 1: I have mental health issues. Can you help me get
Speaker 1: through this?
Speaker 3: And let's do it together.
Speaker 1: Let's do it together. He could have said that, but
Speaker 1: he didn't.
Speaker 2: Right because she said she feels like this is the
Speaker 2: person who understands her. One person understands So you know,
Speaker 2: maybe is it vice versa. Does he feel like she
Speaker 2: understands him or maybe not. He may not feel like that,
Speaker 2: but yeah, that's a good point that you may that
Speaker 2: he may be wanting her if he wanted to be
Speaker 2: with her long term, he would have been more inclined
Speaker 2: to say, hey, let's do this together, or can you
Speaker 2: help me get through this.
Speaker 1: And ultimately lean on each other. And ultimately it's not
Speaker 1: about what you want in a relationship. You want to
Speaker 1: make this work. You're in love with him, You this,
Speaker 1: you this, you that. If he doesn't want the same,
Speaker 1: it's sometimes it's easier to let people go. Well when
Speaker 1: people tell you what they want and what they need
Speaker 1: and what they require, believe them. You can't change their mind.
Speaker 1: And to me, she's getting all the signs of he
Speaker 1: doesn't want his mind changed. And as much as you
Speaker 1: love him, if he's not going to love you the
Speaker 1: way you want to be loved, to be there for
Speaker 1: you and reciprocated, then it's time to move on and
Speaker 1: find somebody that will fact and wish him well. You
Speaker 1: can keep checking on him and stuff, but what's it Well.
Speaker 3: And he might be, you know, in a better space
Speaker 3: later on.
Speaker 2: But whether you don't want to do is sacrifice now
Speaker 2: your health, happiness and mental health at the expense of
Speaker 2: somebody else. Because one thing you can force is vibes
Speaker 2: and one thing meet man, I do manah beg all right,
Speaker 2: I'm not begging anybody for anything. So you know, I
Speaker 2: know you've made attempt sus to try to say, hey,
Speaker 2: let's give it one more try, let's wait, But if
Speaker 2: you're giving it another try and it's only a two
Speaker 2: weeks three weeks later, it seems like it's just kind
Speaker 2: of being drug out. And at this point, baby, keep
Speaker 2: it pushing. You're twenty one. I'm sure you have a
Speaker 2: lot going for yourself. The fact that you even wrote
Speaker 2: in and you so eloquently expressed the situation shows that
Speaker 2: there's definitely potential for you in whatever relationship you decide
Speaker 2: to get into. But think about yourself, you know, and
Speaker 2: continue to work on yourself because the right person in
Speaker 2: the right situation will eventually come along. And not to
Speaker 2: say it won't be with him, it just may not
Speaker 2: be the time right now.
Speaker 1: Okay, we need to do an additional podcast about how
Speaker 1: to deal with people who say they have mental health issues,
Speaker 1: because you and I have both dealt with that with
Speaker 1: friends and families saying they have mental health issues and
Speaker 1: with us feeling lost, Yes, because we don't know whether
Speaker 1: to push them or to give them space. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: based on what we've seen on social media, Pushing them
Speaker 1: and giving them space can both lead be detrimental something
Speaker 1: detrimental to them, you know. So we need to do
Speaker 1: a whole podcast on how to deal with people make
Speaker 1: note of that, say they have mental health, and.
Speaker 2: Maybe bring in some sort of expert who can speak
Speaker 2: more about that and help us kind of navigate through
Speaker 2: how we can give support to people who do have
Speaker 2: same to have mental health issues, particularly close to us.
Speaker 3: So that's a good idea. So good luck to you, sis,
Speaker 3: keep keeping on.
Speaker 1: You heard that one.
Speaker 3: We'd love to go back to being twenty one again.
Speaker 3: Oh man, I'm only twenty five.
Speaker 1: That's a couple of years ago for me. Read the
Speaker 1: second listening letter.
Speaker 3: I to valan K.
Speaker 2: I want to start off by saying I love your
Speaker 2: podcast and book. I'm about halfway through the book.
Speaker 3: Awesome.
Speaker 2: Your podcast has helped me through so many tough days,
Speaker 2: and I appreciate your transparency. It really made me feel
Speaker 2: like I wasn't alone in this.
Speaker 3: Thank you.
Speaker 2: That is why we do it, y'all. Yes, realize you're
Speaker 2: not the only one, you're not the anomaly. You're not crazy,
Speaker 2: or you might just be crazy. But I'm crazy.
Speaker 1: Too, And that's all right, that's it, that's actually what
Speaker 1: it is.
Speaker 3: AnyWho.
Speaker 2: I'm a mom of three littles who works from home
Speaker 2: in a corporate job. My husband is a police officer
Speaker 2: and his hours get long and the job is stressful.
Speaker 2: I don't currently have a village to help me, so
Speaker 2: I'm usually on my own with my kids while I work.
Speaker 2: My oldest just started pre k ages are four to
Speaker 2: two and eleven months old.
Speaker 3: We're done at three. Oh man, you got your hands.
Speaker 2: Oh hobby got snipped while I was pregnant with our
Speaker 2: last congratutave out on your snip.
Speaker 1: Awesome. Finally somebody celebrates my snip because you know it
Speaker 1: didn't happen here.
Speaker 3: We're still waiting for that sample to get.
Speaker 1: You're supposed to help collect the sample. Your job.
Speaker 2: I did the hard several several times. Don't ask me
Speaker 2: where is that? Several places? I got to get back
Speaker 2: to that urologist with him all any who to continue
Speaker 2: the story? Oh, I said, okay, here we are. Since
Speaker 2: having kids, I really lost myself. I don't know what
Speaker 2: I like anymore. Hobbies, what makes me happy? My husband's
Speaker 2: always asking me what makes me happy? And I'm just
Speaker 2: at a loss for words. I have no idea what
Speaker 2: the answer is, and it's really hard. The last few
Speaker 2: years I just went to have my kids. My husban's
Speaker 2: been my job and my household. I never knew how
Speaker 2: to answer the question, and it's disheartening. I started working
Speaker 2: out again and chatting with a therapist, but just wanted
Speaker 2: to know what Kay did to find herself again. What
Speaker 2: steps could I do to find myself again. I feel
Speaker 2: like I have no real purpose anymore outside of being
Speaker 2: a mom and wife. I always was a go getter
Speaker 2: or had the go getter attitude and was very driven.
Speaker 3: Before my kids.
Speaker 2: I was in the Navy, graduated college which with a
Speaker 2: bachelor's degree, got a great job, and then got married
Speaker 2: and had kids. And now I'm done with kids. I'm
Speaker 2: just lost and really don't know how to find my
Speaker 2: purpose again. I want to be excited about life again.
Speaker 2: I'm only thirty five and refuse to think this is
Speaker 2: it for me. Also, I should say my husband allows
Speaker 2: me every opportunity to get out of the house and
Speaker 2: go have me time, but your girl is still struggling
Speaker 2: a bit.
Speaker 3: Anything would help coming from you guys. Again.
Speaker 2: Appreciate you all, and please keep doing what you're doing.
Speaker 2: You help so many y'sus.
Speaker 3: Girl.
Speaker 2: First of all, I see you, see you, I understand you.
Speaker 2: I am you still to an extent, and I was you.
Speaker 3: To me.
Speaker 2: It sounds like back to back postpartum, prenatal, postpartum, prenatal,
Speaker 2: everything in between.
Speaker 3: Your children are so close in age four, two.
Speaker 2: And eleven months that you just have not even had
Speaker 2: a chance to recoup since the first baby.
Speaker 3: Think about it, four.
Speaker 2: Years postpartum, pregnant again, prenatal, pregnant, postpartum again, and now
Speaker 2: you have an eleven month old. So what it seems
Speaker 2: to me is you've had compounded situations of hormonal imbalance
Speaker 2: from growing humans and then recovering from that. And that
Speaker 2: can be a very tiring place. It can be a
Speaker 2: very stressful place. It can be a very depressing place,
Speaker 2: and it can also be a very lonely place.
Speaker 3: I think what you and I have in common is.
Speaker 2: Is husbands who are in invested in making sure that
Speaker 2: you're okay and making sure that you're doing the things
Speaker 2: to find yourself again. But I do think it will
Speaker 2: take some time for you. The fact that you don't
Speaker 2: have a village. I feel for you in that sense,
Speaker 2: because that's literally what has helped Devalini just have help
Speaker 2: with the children and be able to then have the
Speaker 2: space and the time and the latitude to be able
Speaker 2: to even start figuring out what the purpose is. Again,
Speaker 2: So it can be a very very dark and daunting place,
Speaker 2: and you don't have to feel bad for that. It
Speaker 2: seems like you may have a little bit of postpartum
Speaker 2: depression because when I had postpartum depression, I did deal
Speaker 2: with a lot of purpose issues.
Speaker 3: Remember I kept saying to you, like, man, I don't
Speaker 3: know what my purpose is.
Speaker 2: And I recently sent on one of our live shows
Speaker 2: that I just recently felt like, wow, I may just
Speaker 2: be walking in my purpose doing everything that I'm doing
Speaker 2: with the podcast and with you know, my children and
Speaker 2: my family and my husband, like being that pillar for
Speaker 2: my family.
Speaker 3: That is a part of my purpose.
Speaker 2: But I do understand wanting to have your own again,
Speaker 2: and sometimes that's reinvented after you have children. So who
Speaker 2: you were prior to having children can be refreshed and
Speaker 2: renewed and reinvented after children. So my advice to you
Speaker 2: would just be to give yourself a little bit more time,
Speaker 2: because I think you may still be in that phase
Speaker 2: of you know, hormones leveling out. Even with me after Dakota,
Speaker 2: I realized that when it came to them to working
Speaker 2: out and reinvesting in myself and in my health, that
Speaker 2: I really didn't start to see the benefits of it
Speaker 2: until he was at least a year maybe you know,
Speaker 2: fourteen months later. That's the space that I'm in now.
Speaker 2: And it's also okay to be a little uncomfortable and
Speaker 2: confused about where you are in life, because that discomfort
Speaker 2: just means that growth is on the horizon.
Speaker 3: So lean into that.
Speaker 2: Continue to investigate the things that you like again, take
Speaker 2: time that your husband is giving you, that me time
Speaker 2: that's very necessary for you to soul search. I think
Speaker 2: it's great that you have a therapist that you can
Speaker 2: lean on and speak to and kind of get your
Speaker 2: thoughts out.
Speaker 3: And it does get better.
Speaker 2: It does get better, particularly when the kids are older
Speaker 2: and they start to be a little bit more independent
Speaker 2: once they start school, and then you can regain some
Speaker 2: time again to see the things that you like.
Speaker 3: So think about what you think will make you feel better.
Speaker 2: First off, in the situation, does it mean getting a
Speaker 2: light workout in going for a pilates class, you know,
Speaker 2: go into a coffee shop and just grabbing lunch on
Speaker 2: your own and being still, do you have a girlfriend
Speaker 2: or your mom or somebody who can just be a
Speaker 2: partner that will just help you to have time outside
Speaker 2: of the children. Sometimes when you're a stay at home
Speaker 2: mom and you're with the kids all day, you feel
Speaker 2: like you're just always talking baby child language.
Speaker 1: She's not No, she has a job.
Speaker 3: Oh I didn't know. She said she wants to work. Yeah,
Speaker 3: oh she does have a corporate job. Oh's a corporate job. Oh, okay,
Speaker 3: got you. So you do work from home.
Speaker 1: But this is my thing though, And.
Speaker 3: But I guess I say stay at home meaning being
Speaker 3: in the house all.
Speaker 2: The time, but you're not to stay at home mom.
Speaker 1: And this is I think we've gotten so far left
Speaker 1: from like when now we empower women so much that
Speaker 1: being a mom or being a wife is not my purpose,
Speaker 1: Like I'm so much more than that. When people don't
Speaker 1: have a purpose in their career now, they feel like
Speaker 1: they don't have a purpose. I'm just a mom, I'm
Speaker 1: just a wife. Being You can't just say somebody's just
Speaker 1: a mom, Like I don't want to say I'm starting
Speaker 1: to get annoyed. But I am starting to get annoyed
Speaker 1: when people downplay the role of motherhood and wifehood in
Speaker 1: a woman's life, as if if you want to be
Speaker 1: or choose to be a mom and a wife, now
Speaker 1: you're less than a woman. You know, we've come so
Speaker 1: far left Before it was, you know, before it was
Speaker 1: if you don't have a career, if you don't have
Speaker 1: a career and you're just a mom and a wife,
Speaker 1: that's what woman who was? And now if you only
Speaker 1: have a career, you're losing something as a woman. If
Speaker 1: you don't have a husband and you don't have kids.
Speaker 1: You don't have to choose one or balance both in
Speaker 1: order to be a full fledged woman, right you don't.
Speaker 3: And one doesn't necessarily hold more value.
Speaker 1: No, it's just what matters to you. And this is
Speaker 1: my truth. If you're chasing a career and you can't
Speaker 1: find purpose in a career, maybe having a career is
Speaker 1: not your purpose. If you enjoy being a mom and
Speaker 1: a wife, it is okay, Like, can we stop discrediting
Speaker 1: women who want to just be moms and wives? Not
Speaker 1: I don't even say just be Can we stop discrediting
Speaker 1: women who want to be moms and wives.
Speaker 3: That's true.
Speaker 2: That's a good point, you seriously, because it seems that
Speaker 2: people don't even aspire to that anymore, which is fine,
Speaker 2: but it's because it's seen as, oh, you're just a
Speaker 2: stay at home mom or you just want to tend
Speaker 2: to your family, which to me, when.
Speaker 1: Is so it's almost like back to social conditioning, right,
Speaker 1: every generation has a certain thing that they're socially conditioned
Speaker 1: to do. In the fifties, we were socially conditioning women
Speaker 1: to be step Ford wives. Remember that movie Start for Wives.
Speaker 1: You know, stay at home, make sure that the food
Speaker 1: is cooked and the kids were good, make sure you're
Speaker 1: prim and proper, make sure you stay in shape. And
Speaker 1: that's what we conditioned women to do in the fifties
Speaker 1: and sixties. Then there was a change women empowerment movement
Speaker 1: in the sixties and seventies and the eighties, and they
Speaker 1: got more into the workforce. And now it's like, you
Speaker 1: have to have a career, you have to chase something
Speaker 1: other than being just a mom and just the wife,
Speaker 1: because being just a mom and just the wife it's
Speaker 1: not enough. So now you have women who may want
Speaker 1: to be moms and wives who feel like, well, what's
Speaker 1: my purpose? Because I don't have anything else? What's wrong
Speaker 1: with that purpose? Your purpose could be raising the great
Speaker 1: next astronaut, because you're there to make sure that your
Speaker 1: child or children get every aspect of life that they
Speaker 1: can to be the greatest version of themselves.
Speaker 2: Do you remember when I said that to you, when
Speaker 2: I was to figure out my purpose and I said,
Speaker 2: what if my purpose is just to be here with
Speaker 2: my husband and my children and raise the best human
Speaker 2: being psychic?
Speaker 1: How did you feel? How did you feel?
Speaker 2: We still felt like there was more to be done.
Speaker 2: That's my problem, because all I'm hearing is you have
Speaker 2: so much potential exactly, you know, you can be so
Speaker 2: great at this. And this was after maybe Jackson chyron Cash.
Speaker 2: I don't even think I had gotten to this point yet.
Speaker 2: We may not even had the podcast set and all
Speaker 2: of these things happening. But still sometimes I have moments
Speaker 2: within this space where I'm working, where I feel like I'm.
Speaker 1: Still not doing it. We gotta be careful with that,
Speaker 1: because I'm no. We got to be careful with that.
Speaker 1: Because a woman asked you at the one of the
Speaker 1: live shows, and it was a very genuine question. She
Speaker 1: was like, Kadeen, what's next for you? What is your
Speaker 1: what are your dreams? What do your think?
Speaker 3: And I'm like it's like, oh, Deval's doing all this stuff,
Speaker 3: but what do you want to do?
Speaker 1: But my thing is like, how does someone say to
Speaker 1: you what's next? What are your dreams? What's next for you?
Speaker 1: When you're you're at a show where Kadeen is the
Speaker 1: head host of the podcast. We just got off a
Speaker 1: tour for New York Times bestseller, and it's like, that's
Speaker 1: still not enough. You know, we put so much pressure
Speaker 1: on We put so much pressure on women to be
Speaker 1: everything and all the things. You have to be an
Speaker 1: A one mom, you have to be an A one wife.
Speaker 1: You have to be the CEO of a company, you
Speaker 1: have to be the lead actress in this. You have
Speaker 1: to be the best w NBA player. Like, if you
Speaker 1: don't do all of these things, you don't have a purpose.
Speaker 3: You need every practice.
Speaker 1: There's no way they have.
Speaker 3: A hot piping meal ready for everybody at the end
Speaker 3: of the night.
Speaker 1: Like we have to stop doing that to women and
Speaker 1: trying to define what a woman's purpose is, right, we
Speaker 1: really do have to stop to find it. Now. I
Speaker 1: will admit it's a little bit more simple for guys
Speaker 1: because we don't have to carry children, so we know
Speaker 1: what our purpose is. Our purpose is to provide and
Speaker 1: protect the person who is carrying our children. But let
Speaker 1: me ask you a question. What if you don't want
Speaker 1: to have children as a guy, right, then it's like
Speaker 1: your purpose is to just be a career driven person
Speaker 1: and to just make as much money as possible, and
Speaker 1: that's fine, right. We have so many different variables for
Speaker 1: what a guy can do. When a guy could be
Speaker 1: before a woman, it is almost like it's this abstract
Speaker 1: idea that a woman has to be all of the
Speaker 1: things or she is nothing, and that's scary.
Speaker 3: It is scary.
Speaker 1: That's scary.
Speaker 2: It is a scary, scary place. I recently came across
Speaker 2: a page on Instagram. I think it's called like the
Speaker 2: Rich Aunties or something like that, and that's like a
Speaker 2: now a movement of women, or at least it's probably
Speaker 2: been a thing, but you know, with social media, things
Speaker 2: are brought to the forefront. But it's literally a platform
Speaker 2: for women who say, I don't care to have children.
Speaker 2: That is not my purpose. I don't desire that, I
Speaker 2: don't aspire to that. So I'm going to be the
Speaker 2: quote unquote rich. Yeah, and they and they revere it
Speaker 2: and they empower it, and there's like a whole I
Speaker 2: think they have like over one hundred and something cave followers.
Speaker 3: Imagine people are revering that.
Speaker 1: But imagine if a woman says I don't care to
Speaker 1: have a job, I don't care to work. I want
Speaker 1: to be a wife and I'll be a mom. They
Speaker 1: will say, oh, you're taking us back to the fifties.
Speaker 1: Why is that right?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying to me, I just think
Speaker 1: that that's so asked backwards, like who is going to
Speaker 1: raise our future?
Speaker 2: That part, you know, because clearly, clearly a lot of
Speaker 2: things have faltered.
Speaker 3: If you just look at the way society educational system.
Speaker 1: You know why teachers complain so much about having too
Speaker 1: much to do, because they're responsible for all of the
Speaker 1: kids because everyone else is at work. Now, I'm not
Speaker 1: saying that women are supposed to be home to help teachers.
Speaker 1: What I'm saying is that we discredit the value of
Speaker 1: someone being at home to take care of home. And
Speaker 1: look at how society is getting.
Speaker 2: Messed up home to receive the children when they come
Speaker 2: home from school and make sure that the idle time
Speaker 2: is not super idle where they're out there doing a
Speaker 2: bunch of nonsense.
Speaker 1: Like as a suffered as a latch key kid who
Speaker 1: had to help raise my younger brother and sister because
Speaker 1: both my parents work, I value the fact that one
Speaker 1: of us or both of us can be home when
Speaker 1: the kids get here. Yeah, for sure, for sure, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, Like, I value that, and I
Speaker 1: think that we're as a society need to get back
Speaker 1: to creating a safer space for the family unit to
Speaker 1: exist without ridicule. You know what I'm saying, Like, even
Speaker 1: if it's a stay at home dad, they'll ridicule a
Speaker 1: stay at home dad and be like, oh you do
Speaker 1: is stay or do stay home with the kids.
Speaker 3: While your wife goes out and stay home raising kids?
Speaker 2: It seems like gets to be at the bottom of
Speaker 2: the totem pole now, as if that's there's no value in.
Speaker 1: But then but then they the same people complain.
Speaker 3: Who raised these kids out.
Speaker 1: In the street. I think there's nobody home to raise them.
Speaker 3: That's a fact. So back to your story, that's a
Speaker 3: good point, you may be.
Speaker 1: Yea, I was just saying that I just don't. I
Speaker 1: just would. I was saying all that to say this,
Speaker 1: your purpose may not be connected to a career. It
Speaker 1: may not be connected to an activity. It may be
Speaker 1: connected to the very thing that you enjoy doing. Like
Speaker 1: you said, all she said, all I have is my
Speaker 1: husband and my kids. That may be your purpose, and
Speaker 1: you're running from it because you're afraid of the ridicule
Speaker 1: that you may receive by saying I want to dive
Speaker 1: into my kids and my husband. And also that may
Speaker 1: just be for that season. You may just be into
Speaker 1: your kids and your husband for that season because your
Speaker 1: children are young, and then as they go to school,
Speaker 1: then it's like I figured something else out, you know,
Speaker 1: like your purpose doesn't remain the same throughout your entire life.
Speaker 2: Oh for sure, it changes, and some things are seasonal,
Speaker 2: some things are reasonable, you know. But I think for her,
Speaker 2: I think, coupled with what you've mentioned, I think it
Speaker 2: also may have a lot to do with what I
Speaker 2: said initially in the very beginning that just having the
Speaker 2: children back to back and just feeling like you're in
Speaker 2: a rut is something that's completely normal, particularly having children
Speaker 2: so close together.
Speaker 1: I hear you man but I hear this thing with
Speaker 1: women in purpose and they kids be like fourteen, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, And it's like, at some point,
Speaker 1: it's not postpartum depression. At some point, it's the fact
Speaker 1: that it's okay to want to be a mom. Like
Speaker 1: people be wanting their mom. Like why do we keep
Speaker 1: saying like, oh, I'm just a mom. You are a mom.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, You're a mom. Some people
Speaker 1: I be wanting my wife. Some people just want their
Speaker 1: wife when my days get long and I'm tired of
Speaker 1: shit and I want I just want my wife. We
Speaker 1: got to stop letting people think that, you know, I'm
Speaker 1: just a wife. No, have you ever heard a man
Speaker 1: be like, I'm just a husband. There's a pride that
Speaker 1: we take in being a husband, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: There's a pride that we take in and providing for
Speaker 1: our family and protecting and being the emotional support and
Speaker 1: being there head of household and being the stability when
Speaker 1: everything's in chaos. There's a pride. This should be a
Speaker 1: pride that women take and being a wife and a
Speaker 1: mom and being like, we need to stop that rhetoric
Speaker 1: of just a mom. Or just a wife. You take
Speaker 1: pride in that, and I don't want to always say
Speaker 1: it's postpartum that could be part of it. Yes, three
Speaker 1: kids under five, there's a lot of stress there, so
Speaker 1: I get that too, but this should be pride there
Speaker 1: that you're doing a great job.
Speaker 2: No for sure, and now you know you and hubby
Speaker 2: you're done having kids too. Once the kids get older
Speaker 2: and you get some time to yourself, you'll figure it out.
Speaker 2: You'll figure it out.
Speaker 3: So good luck to you, sis, Thank you for writing in.
Speaker 2: I think this might be a good point to take
Speaker 2: a quick break because we have two more listening letters
Speaker 2: when we get back.
Speaker 3: So let's go pay some bills and we'll see y'all
Speaker 3: in a.
Speaker 1: Second and we're back and to go take a quick
Speaker 1: break your dig let's get back to this this third listener.
Speaker 1: Let the thing.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you guys have been thank y'all for for the
Speaker 3: writing and music. Been great.
Speaker 1: Deval In Kadeen Ellis, words cannot express how much I
Speaker 1: admire you both as individuals as well as a unit collectively.
Speaker 1: We over me has blessed my life in a tremendous way.
Speaker 1: I'm a man that's divorced who desires to be married again,
Speaker 1: so I'm always reading and acquiring different tools to become
Speaker 1: a greater version of me. That's a great job. I
Speaker 1: appreciate and celebrate your story of how you made it
Speaker 1: through the being of service. Part about being in a healthy,
Speaker 1: committed relationship marriage is what I aspired to do most
Speaker 1: did I mentioned Chapter eight had me balling like a baby.
Speaker 1: It was Thanksgiving night, Kay had to go to work
Speaker 1: while the vows with the family in Jackson and Kadeen
Speaker 1: was super sad she had to leave, and devou said,
Speaker 1: holding back tears, this is what this will be the
Speaker 1: last time you will have to do this. That's exactly
Speaker 1: what happened. That did something to my soul spirit as
Speaker 1: a man. The way you guys present love to me
Speaker 1: is what I aspire to have. I know you both
Speaker 1: don't like the term couple goals and I don't like
Speaker 1: using it, so I'll just say I will definitely take
Speaker 1: a lot of what I learned from this book and
Speaker 1: utilize it in my next last relationship marriage. I appreciate
Speaker 1: the broth that's dope. Thank you for sharing your life
Speaker 1: with little o' me. I celebrate you guys in every way.
Speaker 1: Thank you guys for showing us black love. It's the
Speaker 1: complete honesty. It's the extreme transparency and the attitude of
Speaker 1: gratitude that I will keep near. The way you both
Speaker 1: decide to wake up every day and choose each other
Speaker 1: or ask each other how can I be of service
Speaker 1: to you? What do you need from me? Is why
Speaker 1: y'all's marriage took a turn for the best. Y'all rock
Speaker 1: thanks a lot.
Speaker 2: Bro little appreciation letter, But I think it's pretty dope.
Speaker 2: I mean, you know, I always love when I hear
Speaker 2: the fellas write in because why I typically we're led
Speaker 2: to believe and historically males, particularly black males, and we're
Speaker 2: not sure if well he did DCA is a black love.
Speaker 2: So a black male or not, you are not never
Speaker 2: feel safe or allowed to express their feelings or.
Speaker 3: To even ask questions.
Speaker 2: So the fact that he, as a now single black male,
Speaker 2: you know, did purchase our book and it spoke to
Speaker 2: him in some way and he aspires to be married again.
Speaker 3: I love that.
Speaker 2: And that's one of the biggest things we talk about
Speaker 2: in the book is like what do you aspire to
Speaker 2: be when it comes to relationships? Do you aspire to marriage?
Speaker 2: Do you not aspire to marriage. And that's why I
Speaker 2: think the book was so vital for not just people
Speaker 2: in relationships, whether they're married or couples or you know, engaged,
Speaker 2: but the single person who is on the fence about
Speaker 2: deciding or the divorce. See like he is, you know,
Speaker 2: who was just like, man, do I want to be
Speaker 2: married again?
Speaker 1: The divorce part is of what I want to tackle.
Speaker 1: He said. The chapter eight really spoke to made him
Speaker 1: call like a baby, which means it was triggering. Right.
Speaker 1: That was a chapter I talked about feeling less of
Speaker 1: a man because you had to go to work. I
Speaker 1: wonder if he got divorced because he couldn't provide something,
Speaker 1: or if he wasn't able to provide and financially this
Speaker 1: became an issue for him and his ex wife, right.
Speaker 3: And maybe the insecurities around that, you know, cause other
Speaker 3: issues in their relationship.
Speaker 1: Right. But I feel like so many men don't want
Speaker 1: to talk about that, but this is a reality. There
Speaker 1: is a fear amongst men of not being able to
Speaker 1: provide everything that the women they fall in love with needs,
Speaker 1: and so many men don't talk about that. But oftentimes
Speaker 1: men will self sabotage or walk away or feel like
Speaker 1: I really don't need love because they have an insecurity
Speaker 1: about being able to support to provide what a woman
Speaker 1: needs in totality.
Speaker 2: Also to adding to what you said, the pressure that
Speaker 2: us women put on men to feel like you need
Speaker 2: to make sure there's a timeline in which all of
Speaker 2: these things. Yeah, that's you know, that too is an
Speaker 2: issue because, like we've said, even on the journey to marriage,
Speaker 2: the journey to being engaged, there's so much pressure on
Speaker 2: the men to do it in a conframe when us
Speaker 2: women feel is necessary and vital because in our timeline,
Speaker 2: this is when it works. But we're not thinking past
Speaker 2: that moment, whereas men, at least if he's a.
Speaker 3: Good man, you know, is really.
Speaker 2: Under the stress and pressure of figuring out how to
Speaker 2: provide past the engagement and past the wedding day. So
Speaker 2: you know, I'll speak to the women because I know
Speaker 2: we do this a lot. It's putting pressure on our
Speaker 2: men to do things in the way we want it,
Speaker 2: in the order in which we wanted. When you've led
Speaker 2: me to realize that every man has.
Speaker 1: A plan, well, no, I'm not going to say every
Speaker 1: good man, every good man, every good man has a plan.
Speaker 1: Every good man has a plan, and sometimes their plan
Speaker 1: may not fall in line with your timeline, you know,
Speaker 1: because the woman's biological clock is a real thing, you know,
Speaker 1: And for people who don't understand what that is is
Speaker 1: that the older you get, the less likely it is
Speaker 1: that you have a healthy pregnancy or a healthy child,
Speaker 1: especially if you get into your men to late thirties,
Speaker 1: you know, Kadeen and I learned that once you get
Speaker 1: to thirty six, you're considered geriatric. You know. The prime
Speaker 1: age for women to have children are I think nineteen
Speaker 1: to thirty. I think that's what they said, that's rue
Speaker 1: your bust last time I saw yeah, prime abe, prime
Speaker 1: ages nineteen to thirty, thirty two or something. So for women.
Speaker 1: They're for women who are really aspiring to have families
Speaker 1: and they're trying to do it within that time. Women
Speaker 1: often have to balance that and having a career if
Speaker 1: that's something they wish to do. Sure, and like we
Speaker 1: talked about the Lastness and a letter, ninety five percent
Speaker 1: of women now feel like even if they wanted to
Speaker 1: have a child or be married, they have to do
Speaker 1: that while balancing a career because society has told us
Speaker 1: now just being a mom is not enough. So as
Speaker 1: a man, you have to think if you're being deliberate
Speaker 1: about being with a woman, she's going to have a timeline.
Speaker 1: And as a man, when you're trying to provide for
Speaker 1: an entire family, things don't always go as quickly as
Speaker 1: you expect them to go. I've been here before, even
Speaker 1: getting a head start and playing in the NFL, still
Speaker 1: had to restart in our mid to late twenties and
Speaker 1: it took us about ten years to get back. What
Speaker 1: if you are a woman that didn't have patience, who
Speaker 1: was just like, man, I don't want to live in
Speaker 1: this apartment no more. I wanted living a type of
Speaker 1: life I'm out. That could be an issue for a
Speaker 1: lot of people, and I feel like men don't speak
Speaker 1: about that enough. And that's why women don't understand why
Speaker 1: men always delay the process of engagement or why men
Speaker 1: are sometimes like I'm not ready yet. Women often assume
Speaker 1: it's because, oh, he don't want to give up all
Speaker 1: the booty he's getting. Sometimes it's not even that. Sometimes
Speaker 1: it's like I don't have the money to get engaged,
Speaker 1: let alone get engaged, have a wedding, buy a house,
Speaker 1: build a family, continue a legacy, that can be daunting
Speaker 1: to a man.
Speaker 3: Yea.
Speaker 2: And I mean think about it. People who have a
Speaker 2: certain kind of way they want to be proposed to.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: We have someone that we know that proposed with his
Speaker 2: mom's ring and it was super low key, just the
Speaker 2: two of them, and she.
Speaker 1: Couldn't be happy and she couldn't be happier, you know.
Speaker 2: And that think about the delay that could have happened
Speaker 2: in their proposal and them starting their life together because
Speaker 2: he felt the pressure of having to save all this
Speaker 2: money and do this grand you know, engagement situation, that
Speaker 2: that whole as we say, quote unquote instagrammable moment, that
Speaker 2: would delay their their life starting together by it could
Speaker 2: be easily two years, two three years easily if he
Speaker 2: was trying to, you know, save up for the kind
Speaker 2: of ring that she wants.
Speaker 1: But that's also speaks to their relationship that they were
Speaker 1: able to have that discussion where he felt comfortable knowing
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter what I propose with. She just wants
Speaker 1: to know that I'm here for the long haul, and
Speaker 1: I want her to know that I'm here for the
Speaker 1: long haul. And ultimately, that's what relationships are about. It's
Speaker 1: about creating a team to build something with. You know,
Speaker 1: we we hear so many people say, now, what are
Speaker 1: you bringing to the table? Right?
Speaker 2: Maybe I am that's a good Listen, I'm the lumberjack
Speaker 2: who cut down that.
Speaker 3: They like, Okay, then it's a battle.
Speaker 2: It's like then I was the one who panted the
Speaker 2: tree like it's always keep going with it.
Speaker 3: They gonna keep going with it.
Speaker 1: I want to challenge people to say, let's come together
Speaker 1: empty to build something. You know, people, because because people
Speaker 1: say to me, you.
Speaker 2: Don't come together empty. You come together with your skill
Speaker 2: set and your no.
Speaker 1: No I mean when I mean empty, I mean as
Speaker 1: far as people keep saying, what do you bring into
Speaker 1: the table, what do you bring into the temple? You
Speaker 1: and I brought shit to the table. We were eighteen
Speaker 1: years old, or we brought was ideas, or we brought
Speaker 1: was ideas, work ethic, pat We did bring good sense
Speaker 1: and that helped a lot. That definitely helped a lot,
Speaker 1: took the edge off. But we brought a passion, a
Speaker 1: work ethic, and an unyielding need to be of service
Speaker 1: to each other. We didn't bring money to the table.
Speaker 1: We didn't bring degrees to the table. We earned all
Speaker 1: that together yeah, and that's what I'm saying. How about
Speaker 1: you find somebody who's empty like you're empty, and be like, hey,
Speaker 1: let's build.
Speaker 2: Something that might be what our first listener letter girl
Speaker 2: is feeling, like twenty one, I think I found my business.
Speaker 3: And we can build together like we did. You know,
Speaker 3: she might have been feel that too.
Speaker 1: And that's okay. So if you're not complete, and this
Speaker 1: is to men and women, because you know, both men
Speaker 1: and women have to listen to people on Instagram shout
Speaker 1: out these lists of demands that their significant other has
Speaker 1: to have, and a lot of people feel like I
Speaker 1: don't have anything on those lists, especially if you're twenty one.
Speaker 1: I don't make six figures, I don't have two degrees.
Speaker 1: You know, it's hard out here for single people. So
Speaker 1: I'm going to employ you, guys to find someone who's
Speaker 1: looking to build. Find someone looking to build, not find
Speaker 1: someone who's looking for a complete person.
Speaker 3: That is a fact. Good stuff, good stuff.
Speaker 2: Good luck to you, brother, Yes, thank you for the
Speaker 2: well wishes, and thank you positive words for all that
Speaker 2: good stuff. All right, and onto her lastness letter on
Speaker 2: this episode by quick Man even diving in here, Hey
Speaker 2: to Valancadin, I love you guys so much. Been rocking
Speaker 2: with you for a while now, and I've learned so
Speaker 2: much about me and people just by listening to what
Speaker 2: you guys talk about and applying it to my daily life.
Speaker 3: Thank you for that.
Speaker 2: I was at y'all's live show in Dallas this past February,
Speaker 2: sat next to Triple and knew all the answers to
Speaker 2: the questions and had the best time. Listen, y'all. If
Speaker 2: you have not been to a live show, y'all have
Speaker 2: to do it.
Speaker 3: Fact, you have to come.
Speaker 2: It's probably one of my most favorite things to do
Speaker 2: ever in life, is be on stage, performing, engaging with
Speaker 2: you guys. If you have Patreon, you know that you
Speaker 2: can watch the actual live shows.
Speaker 3: We literally really we literally.
Speaker 2: Feel like it's like a almost like a mix between
Speaker 2: like a comedy show slash yeah deval is like a
Speaker 2: you know, a whole stand up comedium low key. So
Speaker 2: it's a good time. So thank you for coming to
Speaker 2: the show. I kind of want to share then when
Speaker 2: I was a question time, but I felt like it
Speaker 2: was too much. Oh she wanted to share this, Okay,
Speaker 2: so here's the story. Sorry in advance. If it's hell
Speaker 2: along got to give you all the context. As Kadeen
Speaker 2: likes to say, thank you Sis, I'll be listen land.
Speaker 2: I lost my virginity at age nineteen when I was
Speaker 2: in college, and it totally wasn't worth it. I say
Speaker 2: this because I grew up in a religious household, so
Speaker 2: I was always told to wait until marriage to have sex.
Speaker 2: Was even given books to read on why you should wait,
Speaker 2: what happens if you don't, and whatnot. After I had sex,
Speaker 2: I felt bad about it. I was disappointed within myself
Speaker 2: and the guy was going around campus spreading rumors about it.
Speaker 3: Damn that sucks.
Speaker 2: I was like, I should have listened to my mom
Speaker 2: and waited until the right person came along. So I
Speaker 2: told myself the next time I do engage in sexual activities,
Speaker 2: it would be with someone who I feel is worth
Speaker 2: it or who I feel is trustworthy.
Speaker 3: All right, fast forward to now. I'm thirty five.
Speaker 2: Okay, so it's been a couple of years now and
Speaker 2: I'm practically a virgin again since I haven't had sex
Speaker 2: since age nineteen.
Speaker 1: Oh what does Sun do?
Speaker 3: Wow?
Speaker 1: The Sun made her go from sex Pacific room.
Speaker 2: Was on campus and think about the build up of
Speaker 2: what she was raised to believe, and then she did
Speaker 2: that and she was about.
Speaker 1: Well we discernment about who we choose man, I just her.
Speaker 2: I now have a boyfriend and it's a fresh relationship.
Speaker 2: He is aware of how I feel about sex and
Speaker 2: my first encounter and how my first encounter went. I'm
Speaker 2: not really holding out until marriage, but I don't want
Speaker 2: to have sex just because I wanted to have meaning,
Speaker 2: substance and not just be a random fuck. He says
Speaker 2: he understands, and he will leave it alone, but then
Speaker 2: he'll come back and pressure me about it. All my
Speaker 2: relationships are like this. I date to one I don't
Speaker 2: put out, they dump me. I don't want him to
Speaker 2: be like that because I do feel like he's different
Speaker 2: than other guys than others, but I can't get him
Speaker 2: to see that. I'm just not quite ready yet. Is
Speaker 2: there any advice that y'all could offer me in my situation?
Speaker 2: Thank you for your time, Any advice you can give me?
Speaker 3: Love you guys? How do you feel about this as
Speaker 3: a guy.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna just be clear, Okay, if we're dating, I
Speaker 1: like to have sex. If you don't want to have sex,
Speaker 1: then we don't have to date in that manner. Like
Speaker 1: she has needs, I have needs. No one need is
Speaker 1: greater if we can't come to a medium, and we can.
Speaker 1: If our needs are not in alignment, we need to
Speaker 1: find someone else whose needs are in alignment. And that's
Speaker 1: for both of us. If she doesn't want to have
Speaker 1: sex and she wants to court until she gets married,
Speaker 1: or she's not sure, she needs to court with someone
Speaker 1: who desires the same thing. You know, I'm not I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna shame her for not wanting to have sex,
Speaker 1: But I'm also not gonna be shamed for wanting to
Speaker 1: have sex. You know. It's just two people who have
Speaker 1: different values. Yeah, And I feel like it's okay to
Speaker 1: tell people like, hey, you know what, our values aren't
Speaker 1: in alignment. So I like you, you cool person, But
Speaker 1: I'm gonna find somebody else whose values are in my alignment.
Speaker 1: There's too many people in the world to settle in life,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So that's how I feel
Speaker 1: about it. I mean, kudos to her for sticking staying
Speaker 1: ten toes down.
Speaker 2: I was gonna say, you know what I'm saying, it's
Speaker 2: awesome for you to feel that way. And also, so
Speaker 2: I wonder if you've like spoken to anybody about that
Speaker 2: trauma pretty much.
Speaker 1: And I do think she's having a trauma response to it. Yes,
Speaker 1: by waiting sixteen years and now every other guy is
Speaker 1: compared to that guy, so she's never going to I
Speaker 1: don't feel like she's going to open up after sixteen years.
Speaker 1: And she says she's dated multiple guys and it's gotten
Speaker 1: the same thing. She's afraid, which I understand right, Like
Speaker 1: that's a traumatic she is it afraid.
Speaker 2: And these guys, they if they're clearly interested in her
Speaker 2: and they have feelings for her or just are dating her,
Speaker 2: you know guy's.
Speaker 3: Going to want to fuck.
Speaker 1: But also she has to use discernment and realize, like,
Speaker 1: if this keeps happening over and over again, you keep
Speaker 1: dating the same type of guy, at some point you
Speaker 1: have to change things up. If the type of guy
Speaker 1: you like wants to have sex and you're not ready
Speaker 1: to have sex, you have to change it up and
Speaker 1: see if you can find someone who else is looking
Speaker 1: to explore that opportunity. May not be as experienced in
Speaker 1: that realm, So maybe that person is looking to explore
Speaker 1: with you because you're not as experienced. But if she
Speaker 1: keeps chasing guys who are experienced in sex and want
Speaker 1: to continue to have sex, but then say she's not
Speaker 1: ready to put out. She can't feel a way if
Speaker 1: they're ready.
Speaker 2: To move on, or what if they embark on the
Speaker 2: relationship with her and say, oh, maybe I'll maybe I'll
Speaker 2: wear her down, like maybe I'll be the.
Speaker 3: One to change her mind.
Speaker 2: That's definitely that's probably also what some of these guys
Speaker 2: are thinking. You know, absolutely we were going to build
Speaker 2: this you know, awesome relationship or the feelings where she's
Speaker 2: gonna feel like she wants to but then being pressured
Speaker 2: is not going to make you feel anymore.
Speaker 1: Absolutely there. But also if but here's the thing, even
Speaker 1: the word pressure in the terminol she she says, they
Speaker 1: pressure me, and then when I say I'm not interested
Speaker 1: or I don't want to do that, I get dumped. No,
Speaker 1: how about their continuously being honest with you about what
Speaker 1: they need and require, and when you say I'm not
Speaker 1: ready to do that, they make a decision to go elsewhere.
Speaker 1: That's not you getting pressured and getting dumped. You're not
Speaker 1: aligning thoughts. And what happens is people take rejection so
Speaker 1: next negatively, you know what I'm saying so, then they
Speaker 1: put negative words because the way she tells a story,
Speaker 1: which I understand based on what happened to her, she
Speaker 1: feels like now she's being pressured and getting dumped. I
Speaker 1: don't think it's pressure. I have a responsibility because this
Speaker 1: is also what could happen. Look, you don't want to
Speaker 1: have sex. I want to have sex. I could easily
Speaker 1: say cool, I'm with you. We're going to ride the
Speaker 1: celib celibacy thing together and then go fuck other people.
Speaker 1: They could do that, but it's just saying like, hey,
Speaker 1: look man, you know, come on, like you know, I
Speaker 1: really want to engage in this with you. I want
Speaker 1: to try this with you, and I want to try this.
Speaker 1: How about why are you not comfortable yet? It may
Speaker 1: feel like pressure to her. They may still want to
Speaker 1: understand sorry, it's okay. They may want to understand why
Speaker 1: it's not happening, and then once they realize, you know what,
Speaker 1: she's not with it, so it's like, you know what,
Speaker 1: for your best interests in mind, I'm going to go
Speaker 1: find someone who else is in alignment.
Speaker 2: I thought about that when I first read it. I'm like, shoot,
Speaker 2: I would think a guy I can't speak for men
Speaker 2: in general. But I'm saying a guy who's genuinely saying
Speaker 2: maybe interested in her and says oh, because she says
Speaker 2: she feels like he's different. Maybe there's some sort of
Speaker 2: you know, synergies that they had that she didn't have
Speaker 2: with somebody else before. What's stopping him from like just
Speaker 2: smashing an somebody else on the side, That's what I'm saying,
Speaker 2: continuing in a relationship with relationship with her with the
Speaker 2: hopes that maybe one day they can be sexually active,
Speaker 2: and then he could probably describe everybody else.
Speaker 1: And that's what I'm saying. The fact that they're speaking
Speaker 1: with her means they're trying to be honest, and she
Speaker 1: takes it as pressure, but they could easily just be like,
Speaker 1: all right, I'm with you while doing something else. And
Speaker 1: the fact that they're not, and when she says they
Speaker 1: dump me, no, they're making a choice for themselves. And
Speaker 1: that's something we also said in our book We Over Me.
Speaker 1: We have to stop making people feel like when they
Speaker 1: make choices for themselves to not be in a relationship,
Speaker 1: they're selfish. That's not selfish to me, that's deciding that,
Speaker 1: you know what, whatever's going on in this relationship is
Speaker 1: not better. It's not good for the betterment of me
Speaker 1: or you. So I'm going to make a decision for
Speaker 1: me and for you and say let's go our separate
Speaker 1: ways rather than dragging us both down, you know, by
Speaker 1: doing something despicable, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: More hurt, closing more closing war.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, so I think I think, young lady, I
Speaker 1: think you should look at it like that. If the
Speaker 1: young men are telling you, like, hey, this is not
Speaker 1: gonna work for me, I'd rather, you know, find someone
Speaker 1: who wants to have sex at least applaud him for
Speaker 1: his honesty and not doing you dirty by having sex
Speaker 1: with other people and keeping you around. But also I
Speaker 1: think you should speak with someone about your hurt, Yeah,
Speaker 1: so that you can move forward and find peace. Because
Speaker 1: after sixteen years, if you're still going back to that
Speaker 1: time in life, that means you haven't let it go,
Speaker 1: you haven't forgotten about it, and you haven't forgiven that
Speaker 1: young man or healed from it. Then that means you'll
Speaker 1: never grow from that. So that's sure.
Speaker 2: And I think the assumption to now is that if
Speaker 2: you're thirty five and you're in the dating scene, you're probably.
Speaker 1: Fucking yeah, that's what people what people gonna think.
Speaker 2: You know, But you should never have to alter your
Speaker 2: beliefs to your desires or budge on your stance because
Speaker 2: of pressure from anyone.
Speaker 3: So good luck to you girls.
Speaker 1: And they're men. There are men who are virgins or older. Yeah,
Speaker 1: there was a football player, I think it was Daryl
Speaker 1: Green who was They used to call him the forty
Speaker 1: old version. He had never had sex before. And and
Speaker 1: that's also to say, like there's always somebody for somebody,
Speaker 1: you know, Like, you don't have to say I have
Speaker 1: to convert to what the world believes in order to
Speaker 1: live my life. No, you don't. If you don't want
Speaker 1: to have sex to a marriage and you want to
Speaker 1: get married at forty there are playing people out here
Speaker 1: who are probably doing the same thing. You just have
Speaker 1: to find those pockets of people, you know what. You
Speaker 1: don't have to convert to what the world believes to
Speaker 1: make yourself happy.
Speaker 2: The old Jamaican proverb that my mom said to me,
Speaker 2: every whole of us.
Speaker 3: Every.
Speaker 2: Do you have anyone on it? That whole isn't like
Speaker 2: the whole people out there and being a bush wh
Speaker 2: as in the gardening tool. Right, every hole has his
Speaker 2: stick in the bush.
Speaker 3: That's it. Everybody has their person. I'm the hole, you're
Speaker 3: my stick.
Speaker 1: Just caught yourself a hole, I'll stick my stick in
Speaker 1: your bush hole Like, what gonna this and so profoundly
Speaker 1: like I'm a hole, you're my stick.
Speaker 2: This analogy is a wild when you really think about it. Yes, me, me,
Speaker 2: I'm gonna have I'm gonna have to talk to me
Speaker 2: about this and be like, do you understand what y'all
Speaker 2: what y'all are saying over here?
Speaker 1: And your mom got dressed up the other night. Your
Speaker 1: mother had on a uh, some tights on with some
Speaker 1: boots Louisa tom boots and the freaking bots. They were
Speaker 1: cute though I don't know what they was. But your
Speaker 1: mom a less She was going out to get chosen.
Speaker 3: It was given fashion over vibes. I'm like, man, you've
Speaker 3: been shopping on, you've been shop looking. She was.
Speaker 1: Sixty five. Yes, the mother's out here strutting in sixty five.
Speaker 1: That means you got at least twenty five more years
Speaker 1: to be fine.
Speaker 3: At the very least.
Speaker 1: It's a good thing. I got.
Speaker 3: Cute and put together.
Speaker 2: And you know now, I know why because everyone. Oh
Speaker 2: my goodness, love you guys. I love this time. Thank
Speaker 2: y'all so much for continuing to write into listener letters.
Speaker 2: We always encourage it, we love it. We love to
Speaker 2: hear from y'all and it really gives us a pulse
Speaker 2: in the community, I feel like, because it really makes
Speaker 2: us feel connected to you guys, and we love to
Speaker 2: always see that these listener letters start with someone telling
Speaker 2: some kind of story about how they appreciate the things
Speaker 2: that we do, or they've been following us for a
Speaker 2: long time, And just as an appreciation to y'all, a
Speaker 2: thank you. We literally could not do this without you
Speaker 2: if we did not have listeners and supporters who just
Speaker 2: always continue to revere us and support everything that we do.
Speaker 2: So if you're listening on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen,
Speaker 2: if you're subscribed to our Patreon, which is getting to
Speaker 2: be so popping now it's fairly new for us, but
Speaker 2: you know we're building it up with videos, exclusive content.
Speaker 2: So thank y'all so much for whatever avenue it is
Speaker 2: that you continue to support us in.
Speaker 3: Do you have a moment of truth for listening letters?
Speaker 1: Baby, I have a moment of truth? Is a quick
Speaker 1: moment of truth, Let's continue to have grace for each other.
Speaker 1: When you hear these stories, there's never a right and
Speaker 1: or wrong unless someone come miss physical violence or does
Speaker 1: something really fucked up. It's never a right and or wrong.
Speaker 1: It's just different perspectives and how we deal with things.
Speaker 1: I'm big on having no judgment for people, whether they
Speaker 1: write in or they ask questions in live shows, We're
Speaker 1: not gonna judge.
Speaker 3: We'll have fun with y'all.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we'll have fun. We'll make jokes and stuff like that.
Speaker 1: But let's continue to have grace for each other, learn
Speaker 1: about each other, and love on each other.
Speaker 3: Absolutely.
Speaker 2: I love that, baby, And I guess my moment of
Speaker 2: truth is, you know, just to thank y'all to be honest, like,
Speaker 2: I love hearing from you, We love the support. We
Speaker 2: love that you are continuing to give us a space
Speaker 2: to be creatives and to also share and elevate the culture.
Speaker 2: We would hope just by continuing healthy conversations and continuing
Speaker 2: to have people seek help. You know, that's something that's
Speaker 2: definitely never been a thing for us in the black
Speaker 2: community particular.
Speaker 1: To seek help. I'm done k is like, we need
Speaker 1: people to seek help because in the black community. Be
Speaker 1: sure to find us on patreons. It's the exclusive dead
Speaker 1: Ass Podcast content. Find us on social media.
Speaker 3: Just so stupid.
Speaker 2: No, I'm just saying that to say, like asking for
Speaker 2: help or giving it, you know, asking for advice or
Speaker 2: wanting to write into us to hear our perspective, people
Speaker 2: don't necessarily do that. A lot of people internalized stuff
Speaker 2: and they don't joke for help. I know you are judging.
Speaker 1: I'm judging. You told these people seek help. They wrote
Speaker 1: it for listen. Let us you here talk about some
Speaker 1: y'all need to seek help.
Speaker 3: That's not what I said, everybody.
Speaker 1: I know. That's why it's a joke. Be sure to
Speaker 1: find us on a Patreon and see that exclusive dead
Speaker 1: Ass Podcast video.
Speaker 3: Read that part. You just be taking over myself.
Speaker 2: Well. First of all, if you want to be featured
Speaker 2: as a listener letter because we didn't do that part,
Speaker 2: be sure to email us at Deadass Advice at gmail
Speaker 2: dot com.
Speaker 3: Because I was coming back to it, I was coming back.
Speaker 1: That makes sense, yo. Let me tell you something. Kadan
Speaker 1: is never gonna admit fault for anything. She completely missed it.
Speaker 1: I did not completely miss We always do that part
Speaker 1: before the moment of truth and you did it.
Speaker 2: This is a listener letter episode, so after the moment
Speaker 2: of truth, I wanted to wrap it up with letting
Speaker 2: them know where they can write a listener letter.
Speaker 1: That makes no sense. We don't do that. We never
Speaker 1: do that. We always finish the last listening letter. And
Speaker 1: you say, dead Ass part this is still eleven says
Speaker 1: it's eleven seasons. It's eleven seasons. In every listening letter
Speaker 1: episode we do the dead Ass advice.
Speaker 3: And put me in a box. Why can't I do
Speaker 3: something different?
Speaker 1: Exactly? So, why can't we be sure to find us
Speaker 1: on Patreon this exclusive that's you just said, that's my job. See,
Speaker 1: come on, come on, come on, I'm trying to hear
Speaker 1: this argument.
Speaker 2: Well, if you want to get on me for not
Speaker 2: saying that part first, and I can get on you
Speaker 2: about taking line on line, be sure to find us
Speaker 2: on Patreon to see exclusive dead Ass podcast content, and
Speaker 2: you can find us on social media at dead Ass
Speaker 2: the Podcast.
Speaker 3: You can find me Kadeen I am.
Speaker 1: If you'd like to be featured as one of our
Speaker 1: listening email a dead Ass Advice at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: That's d E A D A yok up the whole show.
Speaker 1: I'm control you down, yeah spelled dead ass advice without
Speaker 1: looking at it.
Speaker 2: Go E E A D A S S A D
Speaker 2: V I C E at gmail dot com. It's a
Speaker 2: little truckle bus there, a little I just giving the
Speaker 2: inflection you give.
Speaker 3: Alright, that's how you be sounded.
Speaker 1: I'll be a little bit more smooth.
Speaker 3: But go ahead whatever, finish it up. And if you're listening, ahead, and.
Speaker 1: I am devo, And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review and subscribe. You're a hot
Speaker 1: mess dead ass. Y'all get help, Signed Kadenium.
Speaker 3: Let me go get some help my damnself. Florid.
Speaker 1: Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and
Speaker 1: is produced by Donor Pinya and Triple. Follow the podcast
Speaker 1: on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and never
Speaker 1: miss a Thing.