WEBVTT - The Heavy Wait Diaries: Chapter 1

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<v Speaker 1>Hi, I'm Jonathan Goldstein, host of the hit podcast Heavyweight.

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<v Speaker 1>Our fourth season will begin on September twenty sixth, But

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<v Speaker 1>worry not, I've prepared a delicious amuse boush to amuse

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<v Speaker 1>your boosh while you wait. Over the next eight weeks,

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<v Speaker 1>I'll present the Heavyweight Diaries, short Peabody worthy pieces of

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<v Speaker 1>hard hitting journalism, sprinkled, as all journalism is, with subtle,

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<v Speaker 1>tastefully executed, barely noticeable instances of paid product placements. Set

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<v Speaker 1>your Heavyweight timers for eight weeks and start polishing your

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<v Speaker 1>silver plated Heavyweight dessert spoons because you're in for retreat.

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<v Speaker 1>Alex wants to see you in the studio, Harper says.

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<v Speaker 1>Alex is Gimblet Media CEO and founder Alex Bloomberg. Harper

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<v Speaker 1>is his executive assistant, and the studio is the special

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<v Speaker 1>one with the shag carpeting and the silent Grandfather clock that,

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<v Speaker 1>rather than potentially interrupting a recording session with an ill

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<v Speaker 1>timed dong emits at the stroke of each hour an

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<v Speaker 1>expensive puff of Chanelle number five. Of course, I know

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<v Speaker 1>why Bloomberg wants to see me. I've been working on

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<v Speaker 1>the new season of Heavyweight for months now, without a

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<v Speaker 1>single thing to show for it. Where did the time go?

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<v Speaker 1>It's all panicky blur. In January there was the week

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<v Speaker 1>long team building event at the Dude Ranch, where my

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<v Speaker 1>producers and I learned to ride donkeys, learned to milk donkeys,

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<v Speaker 1>and learn the importance of teamwork by doing trust falls

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<v Speaker 1>off our donkeys. And most of March was spent preparing

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<v Speaker 1>for my big news media profile. We want to understand

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<v Speaker 1>your moves, the reporter told me, the way you embrace

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<v Speaker 1>death with such calm resolve. I thought the interview would

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<v Speaker 1>be Fog of warlike in its depth and Barbara Walters

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<v Speaker 1>like in its national primetime audiencenss, but instead it ended

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<v Speaker 1>up being a four minute appearance on a mixed martial

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<v Speaker 1>arts podcast that thought Heavyweight was a boxing blog. And

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<v Speaker 1>now the day of reckoning is upon me. Bloomberg wants

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<v Speaker 1>to see me. Oh why today, of all days, had

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<v Speaker 1>I chosen to wear socks with holes? Earlier in the day,

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<v Speaker 1>putting them on made me feel capricious, But now that

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<v Speaker 1>regretful choice is making my dogs sweat something awful. What

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<v Speaker 1>if Bloomberg asks me to take off my shoes out

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<v Speaker 1>of respect for the studio shag carpeting, or to illustrate

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<v Speaker 1>some point about resilient adhocracy he'd picked up in management

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<v Speaker 1>training shoes in a pile, he might say, this pile

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<v Speaker 1>represents growth. I will nod my head, the shag tickling

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<v Speaker 1>my bare, sweaty dogs through the holes. Please don't look down, Alex,

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<v Speaker 1>I will think a thought that will only make my

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<v Speaker 1>dogs sweat harder than an ice cold bottle of Miller

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<v Speaker 1>High Life glistening in the desert sun. As Harper leads

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<v Speaker 1>me to the studio, my persperant dogs continue to moisten out,

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<v Speaker 1>pacing the already compromised wicking capacity of my oversaturated socks

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<v Speaker 1>and rendering the already unpresentable hosiery even more unpresentable. Perhaps

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<v Speaker 1>Harper would allow me to stop for a bathroom break

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<v Speaker 1>along the way. Once safely in a locked toilet stall,

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<v Speaker 1>I could peel off my socks and tape them to

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<v Speaker 1>the underbelly of a toilet lid for retrieval after work. Oh,

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<v Speaker 1>why today, of all days that I forget to pack

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<v Speaker 1>Gaffer's tape in my fanny pack? Does my caprice know

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<v Speaker 1>any limits? Maybe I could just squeeze the socks into

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<v Speaker 1>my front pockets. But what if Bloomberg asks me to

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<v Speaker 1>empty my front pockets contents of your front pockets in

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<v Speaker 1>a pile, He might say, this pile represents growth. Upon

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<v Speaker 1>seeing socks emerge from my pockets, Bloomberg might inquire as

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<v Speaker 1>to why I keep socks in my pockets. I was

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<v Speaker 1>planning on tennis after work, I might say, then, why

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<v Speaker 1>aren't there pump palms on the ankles of your pocket socks?

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<v Speaker 1>He might ask, Only a Neanderthal plays tennis without sock

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<v Speaker 1>pump poms, Jonathan, are you a Neanderthal? Canadian tennis prohibits

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<v Speaker 1>pomp pomery of any sort, I might say, such a

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<v Speaker 1>proud people, He might say, time to see just how proud.

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<v Speaker 1>Let's strip down to our jockeys and play some tennis

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<v Speaker 1>right now. I'll whip you, but good. The thought of

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<v Speaker 1>Bloomberg whipping me but good in my under dainties, what

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<v Speaker 1>with the dearth of elasticity dangerously compromising my pantywaiste, was

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<v Speaker 1>enough to get my dogs drooling, And so I decide

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<v Speaker 1>to do the mature thing. Harper, I asked, will I

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<v Speaker 1>be required to take my shoes off during the course

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<v Speaker 1>of this business? Meeting. When Harper fails to respond or

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<v Speaker 1>even acknowledge my having spoken words out loud, I realized

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<v Speaker 1>that posing my question was a bad idea. After a

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<v Speaker 1>few minutes, I ask if you would mind not repeating

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<v Speaker 1>this conversation to Bloomberg. But I'm not even sure if

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<v Speaker 1>what we just had was a conversation. He asked me

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<v Speaker 1>not to say something Harper might now say to Bloomberg,

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<v Speaker 1>But I am saying something. What are you saying, Bloomberg

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<v Speaker 1>might say, ask him. Harper might say, gesturing in my direction,

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<v Speaker 1>what aren't you saying? Bloomberg might say, Oh, I'd say

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<v Speaker 1>I just asked if Harper might not say anything about

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<v Speaker 1>the surprise birthday party I'm planning for you. My birthday

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<v Speaker 1>isn't for another ten months. Bloomberg might say, what I'd

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<v Speaker 1>like most is a surprise tennis for birthday party. But

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<v Speaker 1>instead of tennis rackets, we could use spanking paddles, the

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<v Speaker 1>kind traditionally used on liars. And instead of boring old champagne,

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<v Speaker 1>I might say, we could drink the champagne of Beers

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<v Speaker 1>Miller High Life. By the time we reach the studio,

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<v Speaker 1>my knees are rubbery and my sweat drenched socks are

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<v Speaker 1>making squishing sounds in my shoes. I walk into the studio, and,

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<v Speaker 1>to my tremendous relief, see that I'm alone. Bloomberg isn't

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<v Speaker 1>here yet, so it's just me and my socks. I

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<v Speaker 1>quickly take off my shoes with the idea of stashing

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<v Speaker 1>my socks down my pants and wearing just my now

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<v Speaker 1>wet shoes, a plan that should work as long as

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<v Speaker 1>the subject of tennis does not arise, which it shouldn't,

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<v Speaker 1>as my socks will no longer be in my front pockets,

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<v Speaker 1>but will rather be secured safely down the front of

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<v Speaker 1>my pants, where they cannot be seen nor commented upon

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<v Speaker 1>by the eagle eyed journalist turned oligarch. Fingers trembling, I

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<v Speaker 1>remove my right sock and stash it with my left

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<v Speaker 1>sock and mid peel. I pause for a moment to

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<v Speaker 1>savor my victory. For once, Jonathan Goldstein will escape humiliation.

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<v Speaker 1>The sodden sock clears my last little toe with a

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<v Speaker 1>flourish sending a gentle arc of dog sweat across the

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<v Speaker 1>studio at the exact moment that Alex Bloomberg walks in

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<v Speaker 1>the door. This has been chapter one of the Heavyweight Diaries.

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<v Speaker 1>With any luck, the new season of Heavyweight will begin

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<v Speaker 1>on September twenty sixth, and you can chart our progress

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<v Speaker 1>each week with a new Diary update. And remember the

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<v Speaker 1>best place to listen to Heavyweight is on Spotify. The

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<v Speaker 1>second best place to listen to Heavyweight is in a

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<v Speaker 1>Beautiful Villa in the Italian Alps. Heavyweight is me Jonathan

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<v Speaker 1>Goldstein along with Jorge just Stevie Lane, Khalila Holt and

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<v Speaker 1>b A. Parker. This episode was mixed by Emma Munger,

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<v Speaker 1>music by Bobby Lord. Our ad music is Vivaldi's Spring

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<v Speaker 1>performed by the Wichita State University Chamber Players. We'll have

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<v Speaker 1>a new chapter of the Heavyweight Diaries next week.