Speaker 1: Hi, I'm Jonathan Goldstein, host of the hit podcast Heavyweight.
Speaker 1: Our fourth season will begin on September twenty sixth, But
Speaker 1: worry not, I've prepared a delicious amuse boush to amuse
Speaker 1: your boosh while you wait. Over the next eight weeks,
Speaker 1: I'll present the Heavyweight Diaries, short Peabody worthy pieces of
Speaker 1: hard hitting journalism, sprinkled, as all journalism is, with subtle,
Speaker 1: tastefully executed, barely noticeable instances of paid product placements. Set
Speaker 1: your Heavyweight timers for eight weeks and start polishing your
Speaker 1: silver plated Heavyweight dessert spoons because you're in for retreat.
Speaker 1: Alex wants to see you in the studio, Harper says.
Speaker 1: Alex is Gimblet Media CEO and founder Alex Bloomberg. Harper
Speaker 1: is his executive assistant, and the studio is the special
Speaker 1: one with the shag carpeting and the silent Grandfather clock that,
Speaker 1: rather than potentially interrupting a recording session with an ill
Speaker 1: timed dong emits at the stroke of each hour an
Speaker 1: expensive puff of Chanelle number five. Of course, I know
Speaker 1: why Bloomberg wants to see me. I've been working on
Speaker 1: the new season of Heavyweight for months now, without a
Speaker 1: single thing to show for it. Where did the time go?
Speaker 1: It's all panicky blur. In January there was the week
Speaker 1: long team building event at the Dude Ranch, where my
Speaker 1: producers and I learned to ride donkeys, learned to milk donkeys,
Speaker 1: and learn the importance of teamwork by doing trust falls
Speaker 1: off our donkeys. And most of March was spent preparing
Speaker 1: for my big news media profile. We want to understand
Speaker 1: your moves, the reporter told me, the way you embrace
Speaker 1: death with such calm resolve. I thought the interview would
Speaker 1: be Fog of warlike in its depth and Barbara Walters
Speaker 1: like in its national primetime audiencenss, but instead it ended
Speaker 1: up being a four minute appearance on a mixed martial
Speaker 1: arts podcast that thought Heavyweight was a boxing blog. And
Speaker 1: now the day of reckoning is upon me. Bloomberg wants
Speaker 1: to see me. Oh why today, of all days, had
Speaker 1: I chosen to wear socks with holes? Earlier in the day,
Speaker 1: putting them on made me feel capricious, But now that
Speaker 1: regretful choice is making my dogs sweat something awful. What
Speaker 1: if Bloomberg asks me to take off my shoes out
Speaker 1: of respect for the studio shag carpeting, or to illustrate
Speaker 1: some point about resilient adhocracy he'd picked up in management
Speaker 1: training shoes in a pile, he might say, this pile
Speaker 1: represents growth. I will nod my head, the shag tickling
Speaker 1: my bare, sweaty dogs through the holes. Please don't look down, Alex,
Speaker 1: I will think a thought that will only make my
Speaker 1: dogs sweat harder than an ice cold bottle of Miller
Speaker 1: High Life glistening in the desert sun. As Harper leads
Speaker 1: me to the studio, my persperant dogs continue to moisten out,
Speaker 1: pacing the already compromised wicking capacity of my oversaturated socks
Speaker 1: and rendering the already unpresentable hosiery even more unpresentable. Perhaps
Speaker 1: Harper would allow me to stop for a bathroom break
Speaker 1: along the way. Once safely in a locked toilet stall,
Speaker 1: I could peel off my socks and tape them to
Speaker 1: the underbelly of a toilet lid for retrieval after work. Oh,
Speaker 1: why today, of all days that I forget to pack
Speaker 1: Gaffer's tape in my fanny pack? Does my caprice know
Speaker 1: any limits? Maybe I could just squeeze the socks into
Speaker 1: my front pockets. But what if Bloomberg asks me to
Speaker 1: empty my front pockets contents of your front pockets in
Speaker 1: a pile, He might say, this pile represents growth. Upon
Speaker 1: seeing socks emerge from my pockets, Bloomberg might inquire as
Speaker 1: to why I keep socks in my pockets. I was
Speaker 1: planning on tennis after work, I might say, then, why
Speaker 1: aren't there pump palms on the ankles of your pocket socks?
Speaker 1: He might ask, Only a Neanderthal plays tennis without sock
Speaker 1: pump poms, Jonathan, are you a Neanderthal? Canadian tennis prohibits
Speaker 1: pomp pomery of any sort, I might say, such a
Speaker 1: proud people, He might say, time to see just how proud.
Speaker 1: Let's strip down to our jockeys and play some tennis
Speaker 1: right now. I'll whip you, but good. The thought of
Speaker 1: Bloomberg whipping me but good in my under dainties, what
Speaker 1: with the dearth of elasticity dangerously compromising my pantywaiste, was
Speaker 1: enough to get my dogs drooling, And so I decide
Speaker 1: to do the mature thing. Harper, I asked, will I
Speaker 1: be required to take my shoes off during the course
Speaker 1: of this business? Meeting. When Harper fails to respond or
Speaker 1: even acknowledge my having spoken words out loud, I realized
Speaker 1: that posing my question was a bad idea. After a
Speaker 1: few minutes, I ask if you would mind not repeating
Speaker 1: this conversation to Bloomberg. But I'm not even sure if
Speaker 1: what we just had was a conversation. He asked me
Speaker 1: not to say something Harper might now say to Bloomberg,
Speaker 1: But I am saying something. What are you saying, Bloomberg
Speaker 1: might say, ask him. Harper might say, gesturing in my direction,
Speaker 1: what aren't you saying? Bloomberg might say, Oh, I'd say
Speaker 1: I just asked if Harper might not say anything about
Speaker 1: the surprise birthday party I'm planning for you. My birthday
Speaker 1: isn't for another ten months. Bloomberg might say, what I'd
Speaker 1: like most is a surprise tennis for birthday party. But
Speaker 1: instead of tennis rackets, we could use spanking paddles, the
Speaker 1: kind traditionally used on liars. And instead of boring old champagne,
Speaker 1: I might say, we could drink the champagne of Beers
Speaker 1: Miller High Life. By the time we reach the studio,
Speaker 1: my knees are rubbery and my sweat drenched socks are
Speaker 1: making squishing sounds in my shoes. I walk into the studio, and,
Speaker 1: to my tremendous relief, see that I'm alone. Bloomberg isn't
Speaker 1: here yet, so it's just me and my socks. I
Speaker 1: quickly take off my shoes with the idea of stashing
Speaker 1: my socks down my pants and wearing just my now
Speaker 1: wet shoes, a plan that should work as long as
Speaker 1: the subject of tennis does not arise, which it shouldn't,
Speaker 1: as my socks will no longer be in my front pockets,
Speaker 1: but will rather be secured safely down the front of
Speaker 1: my pants, where they cannot be seen nor commented upon
Speaker 1: by the eagle eyed journalist turned oligarch. Fingers trembling, I
Speaker 1: remove my right sock and stash it with my left
Speaker 1: sock and mid peel. I pause for a moment to
Speaker 1: savor my victory. For once, Jonathan Goldstein will escape humiliation.
Speaker 1: The sodden sock clears my last little toe with a
Speaker 1: flourish sending a gentle arc of dog sweat across the
Speaker 1: studio at the exact moment that Alex Bloomberg walks in
Speaker 1: the door. This has been chapter one of the Heavyweight Diaries.
Speaker 1: With any luck, the new season of Heavyweight will begin
Speaker 1: on September twenty sixth, and you can chart our progress
Speaker 1: each week with a new Diary update. And remember the
Speaker 1: best place to listen to Heavyweight is on Spotify. The
Speaker 1: second best place to listen to Heavyweight is in a
Speaker 1: Beautiful Villa in the Italian Alps. Heavyweight is me Jonathan
Speaker 1: Goldstein along with Jorge just Stevie Lane, Khalila Holt and
Speaker 1: b A. Parker. This episode was mixed by Emma Munger,
Speaker 1: music by Bobby Lord. Our ad music is Vivaldi's Spring
Speaker 1: performed by the Wichita State University Chamber Players. We'll have
Speaker 1: a new chapter of the Heavyweight Diaries next week.