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Speaker 1: Welcome. You are now listening to the Professional profession. Hey,

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Speaker 1: Professional home Girls is the kid of a name from

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Speaker 1: the PSD podcast, the only place where you would hear

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Speaker 1: interviews from black women an honestly on stories that will

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Speaker 1: enlighten and expand on taboo topics. Now, if you hear

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Speaker 1: someone that sounds familiar, mind the business that pays you child.

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Speaker 1: If you like the PhD podcast, please rate, review and

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Speaker 1: subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Please five star reviews only. Hold

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Speaker 1: me down, don't hold me up. Merchants now enveloped on

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Speaker 1: the site as well as my book list, so please

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Speaker 1: make sure you visit the link in the show notes below.

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Speaker 1: You can connect with the kids on Instagram at the

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Speaker 1: Professional home Girl and at the PhD podcast. If you

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Speaker 1: are on Twitter, please follow me at the PhD podcast Now.

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Speaker 1: If you are all caught up with episode, listen to

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Speaker 1: the bonus episodes by supporting the PSD podcast Patreon account.

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Speaker 1: To support, please visit www dot patreon dot com. Forward

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Speaker 1: slash the PSD podcast now. Please keep in mind that

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Speaker 1: all of my guests are nonnes so let's again this

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Speaker 1: week's episode. Now, you were addicted to crack cocaine for

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Speaker 1: nineteen years. How long have you been cleaned eighteen? I'm almost.

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Speaker 1: I'm almost. I'm almost been cleaned. As long as I

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Speaker 1: used almost, I'll be clean as long as I use Hey, congratulations.

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Speaker 1: First of all, you don't even look your age and

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Speaker 1: you don't look like you've been through nothing. Thank you.

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Speaker 1: So how were you introduced to it? So we crack

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Speaker 1: mm hm, oh that shoo. That was easy because I

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Speaker 1: was already alcoholic and I was already snorting. And so

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Speaker 1: I was dealing with this drug dealer and this girl

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Speaker 1: in the community knew that I was dealing with this

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Speaker 1: drug dealer, and he used to give me like bags

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Speaker 1: and bags and just pat all right, So she smoked

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Speaker 1: and she she would watch him leave, and she knew

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Speaker 1: that I had you know that he loved people to

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Speaker 1: bag and she was like, you know, she would come down.

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Speaker 1: I would give her something snort. We're talking and she said,

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Speaker 1: it's another way we can do that, and I'm saying

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Speaker 1: that I'm always down. She said, yeah, we can cook it.

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Speaker 1: I said cook it. She said, yeah, come up my house.

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Speaker 1: I want to prowse showing enough. She had all the

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Speaker 1: stuff to cooking and off to the races. If I'm

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Speaker 1: not mistaken when I was reading your book, because you

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Speaker 1: were still young when you were doing drugs, did you? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: Were you're aware of the possible effects that it would

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Speaker 1: have had on you? Because I feel like you didn't

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Speaker 1: know what was to come with it. I don't. I

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Speaker 1: did not care. We cared with it. I just wanted

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Speaker 1: not to feel. I knew that I see other people

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Speaker 1: on drugs that was doing really, really bad, and I

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Speaker 1: knew that you really probably shouldn't be doing drugs. I

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Speaker 1: seen the commercial this is your drug brain with the

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Speaker 1: seeing I've seen that, you know, but I just didn't

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Speaker 1: want to feel, and it was one of the things

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Speaker 1: that helped me not feel so right. When did you

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Speaker 1: realize that you were an adict? I probably? You know.

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Speaker 1: It's funny because when I when I when I went

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Speaker 1: to treatment the first time I went to treatment, and

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Speaker 1: I think I have that in the book about being

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Speaker 1: raped by the first drug counselor. I was so crazy

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Speaker 1: And not to cut you off, but the reason why,

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Speaker 1: it's because what are people are supposed to do when

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Speaker 1: they're supposed to go get help and the help is

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Speaker 1: hurting them right right right? So even then I knew

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Speaker 1: us I knew it's a problem because I could not

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Speaker 1: not get it and I was willing to do anything

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Speaker 1: to get it mm hmm very early on. Yeah, but

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Speaker 1: I was doing that for alcohol. I also felt like

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Speaker 1: when you went took uh when you when the judge

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Speaker 1: was speaking to you, and I know that you played

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Speaker 1: a part and a lot of things she was doing

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Speaker 1: because she was dealing from your loved one something like that.

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Speaker 1: But I also feel like he was very harsh with you.

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Speaker 1: Were calling you a rapist, yeah, and told man about

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Speaker 1: not have any kind of rotting utism including a crayon. Yeah. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: Now that was harsh, especially when you hear a judge

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Speaker 1: tell you that you're no better than a rapist after

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Speaker 1: you had been raped so many times at a very

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Speaker 1: young age, very young. He put me in the same

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Speaker 1: category as the people that raped me, that I was

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Speaker 1: no better than that. Where do you go from there? Man?

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Speaker 1: Where do you go from now? How do you have hope? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: Do you feel like your aunts and your auncles could

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Speaker 1: have did more to protect y'all? Because I know that

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Speaker 1: y'all was eventually split up, you and your siblings to

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Speaker 1: go with family members. But do you think they could

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Speaker 1: have did more. We not think they did that best

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Speaker 1: that good, you know, because I'm none of my friends,

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Speaker 1: I mean all of my aunts and a goes. I

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Speaker 1: mean my aunt's sayall had their steps going on, I

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Speaker 1: think anybody. But when it's like going to not beat

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Speaker 1: when we're gonna stop saying because I also feel like

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Speaker 1: that too. But you know that's exactly. But this is

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Speaker 1: the thing. I think that when my grandmother died, she

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Speaker 1: was the person everybody went to to make sure everything

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Speaker 1: was okay. So, like you said, and you know, in

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Speaker 1: most families want the grandmother died, there's always somebody else

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Speaker 1: kicking that up, you know, like one of the other

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Speaker 1: aunties that's me. But it was nobody, you know. And

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Speaker 1: and so everybody's kind of just off to their own

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Speaker 1: and um and I it was a mass because some

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Speaker 1: of them were a mess, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 1: But better than my mother, you know what I mean?

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Speaker 1: So right, And the only reason why I asked because

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Speaker 1: I remember, um, I shared the story of my podcast

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Speaker 1: before when I was um. My mom used to beat

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Speaker 1: me up really bad when I was a kid. So

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Speaker 1: it was a lot of child abuse in mine when

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Speaker 1: I was growing up. And I went to school one

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Speaker 1: day with a busted lip, and I was thinking to myself,

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Speaker 1: I was like, don't know these teachers to me with

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Speaker 1: a busted lip. Yeah, I'll get it. And you wasn't

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Speaker 1: even going to school, right right, I get it. I

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Speaker 1: get it. Yeah, Like, don't y'all smell my just smell me,

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Speaker 1: smell like a piss right right? You know, come on now,

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Speaker 1: you know, but I get it, you know, Yeah, we

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Speaker 1: do what we do now. Yeah, I agree. During the

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Speaker 1: Lord's work, we changed changing the game. Now. When you

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Speaker 1: share some of your stories of you supporting your habit

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Speaker 1: by becoming a prostitute, that's when I really lost hope

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Speaker 1: and these men um There was a story that you

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Speaker 1: share of having sex a customer and your water broke

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Speaker 1: and you asked him to the hospital. He just gave

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Speaker 1: you ten dollars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was selling

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Speaker 1: mince pregnant and I was prostituting with prostituting well, and

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Speaker 1: he's seen me, he was a regular anyway, and he

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Speaker 1: was like, hey, So I went to his house and

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Speaker 1: in the midst of the and of course my water broke. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: And and it was like he's because he's more piste

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Speaker 1: off of the water being broke, and he gave me

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Speaker 1: ten dollars and just how dark my world was. Instead

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Speaker 1: of me going to the hospital, I went to a

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Speaker 1: filthy shooting gallery to get ten dollars worth of cocaine.

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Speaker 1: Shout up my venues, that's how mad my world is. Actually,

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Speaker 1: I hated feeling so yeah. I was just sitting in

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Speaker 1: this dirty hole in the wall with my fluids are

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Speaker 1: running down my legs waiting for this woman to shoot

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Speaker 1: me up with ten dollars worth of cocaine. That's how

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Speaker 1: bad my world is, my doctor, my world was. And

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Speaker 1: then I went to hospital and of course with my

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Speaker 1: daughter was born with drug center system, and it was awful.

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Speaker 1: I think back to things like that, you know, and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, I just thank God for saving her, for

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Speaker 1: keeping her because I couldn't help her m hm myself. Now,

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Speaker 1: God was definitely he was definitely his hand on you

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Speaker 1: through your darkest moments. Yeah you ready. But the guy

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Speaker 1: in the woods, Oh that was right there. Man. If God.

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Speaker 1: I tell people all the time, I said, God wanted

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Speaker 1: me knowing early on the power his name. Yeah. People,

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Speaker 1: God is with us even when we out there doing

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Speaker 1: you know, I was out there prostitute. I wasn't out

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Speaker 1: there on the street corner PEP preaching. I was out

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Speaker 1: there prostituted um. And to have somebody ready to kill you,

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Speaker 1: ready to crush you with a boulder, and God open

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Speaker 1: up your eyes just in time to call out his name.

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Speaker 1: When you said his name, you said Jesus, like, what

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Speaker 1: does the man do like for him to just stopped

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Speaker 1: like that? Well, because I was like, I guess if

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Speaker 1: you if you want to try to make sist out

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Speaker 1: of an other dispiritual part, I guess he did not

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Speaker 1: expect me to come to more shocked of me coming too,

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Speaker 1: because I think when he was strangling me, he thought

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Speaker 1: he halfway killed me or mostly killed me. He just

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Speaker 1: wanted to make sure with the boulder. So when he

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Speaker 1: was ready to come down, my eyes open and he

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Speaker 1: was straddled over me, and I said Jesus, and I

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Speaker 1: guess just to here my voice come to you know,

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Speaker 1: that was enough for him, and he actually fell back.

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Speaker 1: I think that it shook him. Yeah, me, I think

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Speaker 1: God pushed him back off me. And I was an

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Speaker 1: angel of God. It had to be something that we

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Speaker 1: couldn't see. And but and then God softened this man

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Speaker 1: heart so much right, cradled me like a baby and

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Speaker 1: put me in his truck and took me back to

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Speaker 1: where he got me from. Me said, I don't have

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Speaker 1: no money, but take my watch. So not only did

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Speaker 1: God saved me from being my skull being crushed, but

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Speaker 1: he softened this man's heart enough for him to treat

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Speaker 1: me like a baby and pick me up and take

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Speaker 1: me back, because he could have just got up and ran,

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Speaker 1: or still trying to crack my skull takes me down

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Speaker 1: to really kill me, because most people, once you went

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Speaker 1: that far, they're just gonna He still was overtopped me,

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Speaker 1: so he still had every opportunity to finish their job right,

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Speaker 1: But God had God got the other plans. Do you

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Speaker 1: ever think about the amount of times you beat deaf?

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Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, Yeah, alright. Sometimes I'll be dropping my carnic.

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Speaker 1: I don't thank you, Jo come to my God gonna

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Speaker 1: thank you, thank you Jesus. Sometimes I sometimes I remember

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Speaker 1: stuff and I go, oh, thank you Jesus. I'm shocked. Yeah, Aft.

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Speaker 1: After I got to read your book, I said, if

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Speaker 1: I ever get stranded and I have to pick between

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Speaker 1: you with somebody else, I'm going with you. Because the

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Speaker 1: way you survive. I said, my money is on. We're

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Speaker 1: gonna get through this, I know. And I'm telling you all.

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Speaker 1: I tell people this all time. God, so many gods, gods,

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Speaker 1: so many times. God saved me in so many different ways.

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Speaker 1: Like I remembered using dirty needs for people that at

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Speaker 1: at eight, like it would they took the needle all

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Speaker 1: of their own, draw up the code and put it

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Speaker 1: right my aunt, and they ain't mate. And God, it's

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Speaker 1: like no, and I never contracted the disease, so I

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Speaker 1: can want to have your birth to my daughter, you know.

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Speaker 1: And um, I helped the daughter and delive this life

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Speaker 1: of speaking about the power of God and what he

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Speaker 1: can do and deliverance. And it's just it's been amazing journey. No,

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Speaker 1: it's it's been amazing to be able to be a

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Speaker 1: part of your journey because it's just amazing. Yeah, Um,

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Speaker 1: is it hard for you to trust men now because

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Speaker 1: of everything you've been through? So I have my moments,

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Speaker 1: you know, I have my moments. Uh, but you know,

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Speaker 1: but I don't think it's any more than I don't

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Speaker 1: think you know, women, you know we are, But I

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Speaker 1: think I'm so good at first thinking about it and

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Speaker 1: and put into perspective before I react, because it's just

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Speaker 1: coming from a place of my hurt or is this

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Speaker 1: something I'm really believing? You know? So I have to

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Speaker 1: so promise if I was always have to. We we

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Speaker 1: should be analyzing everything, every thought, because you've got to

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Speaker 1: make sure that we're not feeding off what happened to us,

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Speaker 1: even as as a as a mother to my daughter.

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Speaker 1: I it's so many times I was making the decisions

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Speaker 1: based on what happened to me, you know, and um,

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Speaker 1: which is not healthy, you know, Like I give example,

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Speaker 1: So I get out of the program. I get my

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Speaker 1: first department, so excited, I stack it up like I

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Speaker 1: would buy so many pamper where she wouldn't wear them.

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Speaker 1: She I'll grow him. It's because I was so used.

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Speaker 1: I did not want I remember tearing up sheets to

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Speaker 1: put on my sisters and brothers. We had cheat up

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Speaker 1: against the windom. I'm caring a little about a little

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Speaker 1: to put it on for a diaper, and then taking

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Speaker 1: a plastic bag and putting on top of that to

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Speaker 1: make it. You know, I didn't want my daughter ever

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Speaker 1: have to go through that, you know. So I remember

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Speaker 1: having so much stuff, so many clothes so many stuff,

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Speaker 1: but I couldn't afford it, right, So these unhealthy decisions

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Speaker 1: I was making um for us, and but I was

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Speaker 1: basing on what happened to me and um. So the

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Speaker 1: one that the one time I really understood how I

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Speaker 1: was basing, I made a really bad decision for my

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Speaker 1: daughter based on my trauma. Right, so they kept telling me.

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Speaker 1: I nursed my daughter to she was fifteen months old

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Speaker 1: until I got hit by the car. You read about

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Speaker 1: whenever hit by a car as a na as a nah,

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Speaker 1: God give this one with a break, because it ain't

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Speaker 1: no way. And then you said and then y'all she

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Speaker 1: wasn't even taking she didn't even want to take medication

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Speaker 1: to some boltra And I said, nah, my money on her.

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Speaker 1: When when the end of the days come, I am

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Speaker 1: flying to where you at because my money is on you.

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Speaker 1: We're gonna make it. Okay. Just imagine finally getting to

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Speaker 1: treat this right. I got my daughter. I'm nursing her

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Speaker 1: because they told me I'm not hif positive test, you know,

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Speaker 1: keep saying about negative, So now I can nurse her.

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Speaker 1: And then I got this new bond with my daughter.

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Speaker 1: And then I'm I'm volunteering at the program after doing

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Speaker 1: my stay, decided to offer me a job because I'm

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Speaker 1: there all the time, so I'm never life. I got

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Speaker 1: my little bart man, I got me and I go

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Speaker 1: to work one day and get hit by a car.

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Speaker 1: I tell people all the time for nineteen years, I

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Speaker 1: was drunk in the middle of the night, in the

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Speaker 1: middle of get sober walking the cross walking broad the

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Speaker 1: like you get it, and um, we don't know he

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Speaker 1: was I think I'm going, oh wow, gets hitting run

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Speaker 1: had shoulders. My aunt was shattered. I had those skin

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Speaker 1: on the whole right side of my body, and my

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Speaker 1: teeth was pushed up in in my head. And the

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Speaker 1: worst part of it all was them coming to my bed.

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Speaker 1: I was in John Day took me to John Hopkins.

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Speaker 1: And the worst part is having somebody tell me, after

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Speaker 1: everything I did to keep my daughter that now I

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Speaker 1: would not be able to take care of my daughter.

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Speaker 1: Mm hmm. Thank God wanted the women that the program

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Speaker 1: says she'll take her home, and you know, because she

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Speaker 1: had got the system, I would never got her back

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Speaker 1: because my so imagine doing everything right for once and

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Speaker 1: still being told that you're unable to take care of

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Speaker 1: a chap that right there could have thrown me back,

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Speaker 1: but thank god God was with me. Thank God I

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Speaker 1: had a relationship with God, and I kept moving forward, right,

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Speaker 1: and I didn't watch that. I don't want I don't

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Speaker 1: want you. I don't want the narcotic pain medicine. I

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Speaker 1: was in so much pain though, but I said, get

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Speaker 1: me motor and I'm gonna push through it. And I did. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I was like, man, and you made a good point

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Speaker 1: because a lot of people would have turned back to drugs, right.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I mean, come on now, like you get

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Speaker 1: this far and then you know so. But God restored, recovered,

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Speaker 1: restored and everything. Um, I just I think about the things,

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Speaker 1: like the reason why I created my skincare lines is

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Speaker 1: because I used to I used to have all these

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Speaker 1: track morks like oh my nag on my arms, I said,

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Speaker 1: And I used to look in the mirror. I'm healing

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Speaker 1: from my trauma, but those he said, Well, I was cut, cut,

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Speaker 1: beat up and all that. I had all these scars

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Speaker 1: on my body and it will remind me of my trauma.

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Speaker 1: Mm hmm. I started mixing up stuff to to clear

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Speaker 1: my skin up and it worked. And so that's why

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Speaker 1: I ended up Because I have to I had beautiful

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Speaker 1: lawless skin down and um. But I had that before

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Speaker 1: you even started to skin caroline because I was mixing

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Speaker 1: up the stuff that I ended up having the laboratory

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Speaker 1: developed for me um for the skin caroline. But but yeah,

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Speaker 1: I was a mess and um from the accident, from

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Speaker 1: the rates, from the beatings, from the drugs I mean,

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Speaker 1: and then I was like I was one of those

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Speaker 1: people that they call them cooke bugs. If you ever

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Speaker 1: see anybody pick, they pick holes in their skin because

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Speaker 1: they think bugs when they did cocaine. That was me.

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Speaker 1: So I had holes, black holes all over my body.

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Speaker 1: M hmm. And I was watching your documentary and you

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Speaker 1: also mentioned that you will see the men that review

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Speaker 1: of the Okay, did they denize you? Yeah? From always

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Speaker 1: joke around. I would say when I go around to it,

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Speaker 1: because you know, I have no known profit and my mother,

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Speaker 1: my family's deliver round who it and when I go

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Speaker 1: around in I would see him all time. They'ree saying

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Speaker 1: stupid stuff like I always had a crush on you

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Speaker 1: child almost said the N word. And the drug dealers.

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Speaker 1: I had one drug dealers saying you know I always

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Speaker 1: had a crush on yours said really because that was

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Speaker 1: hard to tell when I was dollar short that time

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Speaker 1: you kicked me in my stomach, you know what I mean,

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Speaker 1: Like they forget like I'm supposed to. They think I

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Speaker 1: forgot with how they treated me when I was out

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Speaker 1: in the streets. Yeah, I mean, like I said, I

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Speaker 1: know you you played a part in your journey, but

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Speaker 1: I also felt like the men were just like even

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Speaker 1: with your ex husband, how he treated you, they were

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Speaker 1: just awful and he took your son away from you,

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Speaker 1: right and then when he saw you in the street,

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Speaker 1: obviously he was he was high, and he would make

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Speaker 1: you give him or a sex just for you to

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Speaker 1: see a picture of your son. It was just disgusting. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'm telling you, man, these niggas. Man, I mean, these men.

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00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:06,199
Speaker 1: I mean, you know it's funny because it's it was

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Speaker 1: like that all my life, yeah, all your life, all

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Speaker 1: my life. So when I when we wrote the book

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Speaker 1: Relationship after Trauma, and you know, I talked about how

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Speaker 1: they have healthy relationship like the relationship I'm in now,

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Speaker 1: you know. Um So when I met my fiance, I

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Speaker 1: mean he when I meant he was a police officer,

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Speaker 1: you know what I mean, And we and you know,

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Speaker 1: what's really interesting with him is he's never been introduced

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Speaker 1: to the trauma trauma form care world, you know. But

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Speaker 1: I remember very early on he was when I would

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Speaker 1: had my little moments, he would say things like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: what can I do for you right now? Because he

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00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:51,280
Speaker 1: knew it wasn't about him right now, it would be

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00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:59,000
Speaker 1: about him. But I think I'll go ahead the patients

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Speaker 1: and and the love that he gives me. You know,

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Speaker 1: I don't know how long this lady gonna keep me

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00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:07,560
Speaker 1: on this podcast. No, we almost done. We almost done, sir.

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Speaker 1: She should have read the whole book that I just

356
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:17,040
Speaker 1: had no idea, what know, we almost talking to her fiance. Yeah,

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00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:18,760
Speaker 1: but we almost done because we don't want to keep

358
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Speaker 1: you too much long because I know it's dinner time.

359
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:28,560
Speaker 1: So um so yeah so um. He I never had.

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Speaker 1: I never had a man in my life that was

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Speaker 1: very that loving and gentle, because most men take it personally,

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Speaker 1: you know what I mean, you know, they take me personally.

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Speaker 1: You know, he knew that it wasn't personal. He knew

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Speaker 1: that whatever I was feeling really had a little to

365
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:48,200
Speaker 1: do with him. You know. He helped me the process itself,

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Speaker 1: you know, and for the longest time. I've never met

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Speaker 1: anybody like that. And I'm glad that he kind of

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00:21:57,080 --> 00:21:59,280
Speaker 1: interjected now so because you have a conversation with him

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Speaker 1: on the side. But I'm had that you were able

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Speaker 1: to express the type of love that you experienced me

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Speaker 1: because it gives people hope. Yeah, exactly. And and after

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Speaker 1: all of that, I've been beating raped so many times

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Speaker 1: by men I stopped counting up. I don't leave it.

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Speaker 1: That's how many times every relationship I had in the past,

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Speaker 1: wherever it was, drug counsel raped me, my ex husband

376
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:23,119
Speaker 1: beat me, raped me, and then my boyfriends and you know,

377
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Speaker 1: and then all the rapists and all in the truths

378
00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:28,879
Speaker 1: because you're homelessen so, and the detentions and the officers

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00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:32,320
Speaker 1: were suxually abusing me. And it's like everybody that was

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00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:35,000
Speaker 1: going on to me sexually hurt, beat or whatever the

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00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,560
Speaker 1: drug deals and batting me down because I found their

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00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:41,240
Speaker 1: stature right, you know, all the things that went along

383
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Speaker 1: with that. But even with all that, when you start

384
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:51,280
Speaker 1: to heal from trauma, truly, truly hell, allow yourself to help,

385
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:55,879
Speaker 1: you will be able to allow yourself to not only

386
00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:59,720
Speaker 1: receive love, but to love it. Takes time. It's not easy.

387
00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:03,200
Speaker 1: It's not overnight, it's not And you're gonna have some

388
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,240
Speaker 1: You're gonna you know some Earl try and Narrows as

389
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:11,000
Speaker 1: I call him. But there is love out there, you know,

390
00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:14,879
Speaker 1: and and and everybody deserves to have love, you know.

391
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:19,360
Speaker 1: Right on your road to recovery, you talk about how

392
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Speaker 1: your therapist was the first person to ask you what happened?

393
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Speaker 1: What do you think that we can do or what

394
00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:29,320
Speaker 1: do you think that therapists or people that deal with

395
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:32,399
Speaker 1: people that are that survive trauma, what can they do

396
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,920
Speaker 1: the better their techniques? Because for you to go through

397
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:36,600
Speaker 1: everything he went through and that was the first person

398
00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:40,240
Speaker 1: to ask you. That's that says a lot, right, that

399
00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:44,080
Speaker 1: says a lot. Short, Like I said, um, she was

400
00:23:44,119 --> 00:23:48,240
Speaker 1: a trauma and formed um therapist and and the real

401
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:51,240
Speaker 1: thing is two thousand and eight, that's when the world

402
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:53,280
Speaker 1: we started talking about, you know how we need to

403
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:56,719
Speaker 1: start to trauma. And I think that we just need

404
00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:58,520
Speaker 1: to keep pushing on a little. People like you need

405
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:01,880
Speaker 1: to continue to do the podcast as we are. All

406
00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:04,719
Speaker 1: of my books, my movies, my TV show has some

407
00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:07,719
Speaker 1: kinds something to do with awareness and trauma. Like we

408
00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:10,280
Speaker 1: need to be continued to have these conversations, put it

409
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:14,240
Speaker 1: out there through social media, through films, through books. Do

410
00:24:14,359 --> 00:24:16,800
Speaker 1: you know your podcasts and things like that. I think

411
00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:20,080
Speaker 1: we're doing it. You know, people can start saying, wait

412
00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:22,760
Speaker 1: a minute, it may be something that happened to them,

413
00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:25,479
Speaker 1: not what's wrong with them. You know, what did your

414
00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:29,720
Speaker 1: journey look like when it came to forgiving yourself? Um?

415
00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:33,359
Speaker 1: So I started to forgive myself because I believe the

416
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:36,000
Speaker 1: word of God. I believe that Jesus Christ, I was

417
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:40,639
Speaker 1: forgiven me because of Jesus. And if God, a holy, holy,

418
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:44,400
Speaker 1: holy God can forgive me, who am I notificate myself

419
00:24:45,119 --> 00:24:48,480
Speaker 1: and freedom in that? And you know, so, but I

420
00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:52,320
Speaker 1: gotta forgive myself all the time because I ain't know.

421
00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:55,200
Speaker 1: Drive said, oh, don't no more. But sometimes I'll be

422
00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:58,400
Speaker 1: thinking something I would like, I made a call us

423
00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:03,160
Speaker 1: in everybody, So be guys like I forgive myself sometimes

424
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:07,199
Speaker 1: every day as we have to ask for forgiveness, you know,

425
00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:10,639
Speaker 1: And that's what it is. It's okay, and this is

426
00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:13,880
Speaker 1: the way. So I know you're like, she can't talking

427
00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:15,479
Speaker 1: all these TV shows, but I do got a lot

428
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,960
Speaker 1: of shows that's coming out come on now. Flex for us.

429
00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:21,200
Speaker 1: Did you deserve it? So? Um, I have another show

430
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:25,720
Speaker 1: called hats Off that is just uh it's a talk

431
00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:28,680
Speaker 1: show and it's called hats Off. And this show is

432
00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:32,320
Speaker 1: about women coming's Christian women coming to the table, getting real,

433
00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:35,840
Speaker 1: taking those big fancy hats off and stop you stop.

434
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:39,080
Speaker 1: Because one of the things I tell people all the time.

435
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:42,560
Speaker 1: After I left the altar, I still was a hope, right,

436
00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:46,320
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. I still I was hooking up. Yeah,

437
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:48,560
Speaker 1: I'm gonna control of the sex thing, you know what

438
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:50,480
Speaker 1: I mean. Then that didn't feel good. Then I went

439
00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:53,680
Speaker 1: to pouring and masturbation. Then, you know, so we ain't

440
00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:56,480
Speaker 1: talking about these things and help people get delivered from

441
00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:58,920
Speaker 1: these things and free because we want we want to

442
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:03,879
Speaker 1: go the shame around real quick, to talk about it,

443
00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:07,040
Speaker 1: and because we need to start to and pound want

444
00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:10,159
Speaker 1: people to talk about things because people live with so

445
00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:15,040
Speaker 1: much shame and guilt and you know, we need to know.

446
00:26:15,119 --> 00:26:20,320
Speaker 1: I'm saying it's okay, it's okay. I didn't they probably didn't.

447
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:25,920
Speaker 1: You know, It's okay, you know, and that's what it's about. Um.

448
00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:28,240
Speaker 1: You mentioned earlier that one of your kids don't want

449
00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:30,399
Speaker 1: to be re nitey with you. Do you want you

450
00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:32,280
Speaker 1: do you want your kids to read your book and

451
00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:35,480
Speaker 1: to know more about your story? Absolutely a matter of fact,

452
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:38,480
Speaker 1: when when the other three reunited, they read the book

453
00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:40,639
Speaker 1: in the dad I wanted to Marie because I wanted

454
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:46,200
Speaker 1: them to understand that it was better for them not

455
00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:51,679
Speaker 1: to be with you, right right and and um, but

456
00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:54,119
Speaker 1: I never stopped loving them, but I wanted them to

457
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:58,359
Speaker 1: just see everything and hear everything and say, yeah, do

458
00:26:58,520 --> 00:26:59,840
Speaker 1: you want to be a part of that? You know?

459
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,320
Speaker 1: And um, thank god, because I've been around for had

460
00:27:03,359 --> 00:27:06,080
Speaker 1: some friends that held onto their kids and their kids

461
00:27:06,119 --> 00:27:09,080
Speaker 1: were right there seeing everything, and then their kids ended up,

462
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:11,840
Speaker 1: you know. And so I'm very grateful for that. And

463
00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:15,280
Speaker 1: my daughter, my oldest daughter, she's not ready yet, but

464
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:18,800
Speaker 1: she has sent pictures through my son for me and

465
00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:20,880
Speaker 1: asked for pictures to me. So I think that time

466
00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:25,879
Speaker 1: will come. Yeah, I think so too. And then you

467
00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:28,639
Speaker 1: have custody of your youngest child. I raised her, the

468
00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:31,400
Speaker 1: one I was in. How did you feel about everything

469
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:42,240
Speaker 1: you made? The privilege? Um, girl, don't get resold on

470
00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:47,840
Speaker 1: that one you made. But now I guess because you've

471
00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:52,000
Speaker 1: been through so much. So my daughter has she hasn't

472
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:53,440
Speaker 1: read the book that I won't let her read the book.

473
00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:55,159
Speaker 1: She has seen the dv thed she traveled with me

474
00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:58,679
Speaker 1: on tour, so she knows the story. You know. But

475
00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:06,960
Speaker 1: this private school privilege I need, I need, I need.

476
00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:12,880
Speaker 1: Are you looking at her right now? I'm you would

477
00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:14,480
Speaker 1: looking seon. She come in my room. She came in

478
00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:19,760
Speaker 1: my room earlier. Mom, I ded it card ain't working.

479
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:26,200
Speaker 1: I want a door dish. Well. One of the reasons

480
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:28,240
Speaker 1: why I really wanted to have you on this show,

481
00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:30,760
Speaker 1: and that's where we almost finished, it's because I feel

482
00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:33,240
Speaker 1: like people like you with your story, and this show

483
00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:36,560
Speaker 1: give people an opportunity to humanize you, because I feel

484
00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:38,880
Speaker 1: like if people were to know who you were, or

485
00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:41,480
Speaker 1: to know all things that you've been through, even what

486
00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:43,760
Speaker 1: you were saying he was arrested eighty three times and

487
00:28:43,880 --> 00:28:47,000
Speaker 1: convicted sixty three times. But when people get to the

488
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:49,080
Speaker 1: root of why all this has happened to you and

489
00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:51,760
Speaker 1: humanize you and make people want to have empathy towards

490
00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:55,080
Speaker 1: you and to other people like, Okay, my life's good.

491
00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:57,920
Speaker 1: You don't care how you feel about me? Right? How

492
00:28:57,920 --> 00:29:01,720
Speaker 1: many people people out there? You know, we automatically want

493
00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:05,280
Speaker 1: to the stigma and I want to assume, Well, do

494
00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:07,000
Speaker 1: you get what you get? You know what I mean?

495
00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:09,480
Speaker 1: And no, you know. So that's why I told the

496
00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:11,840
Speaker 1: story and also the reason why I asked you about

497
00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:14,480
Speaker 1: your kids. It's because you made a really good point

498
00:29:15,160 --> 00:29:18,200
Speaker 1: of if they were with you, because I really do

499
00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:20,520
Speaker 1: think you had good intentions of being a good mother

500
00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:23,520
Speaker 1: to them. But thank god they wasn't with you doing

501
00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:26,640
Speaker 1: that that part of your journey absolutely as to the

502
00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:29,040
Speaker 1: best thing I could do was to not fight it,

503
00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:32,240
Speaker 1: you know, um, so they can have a loving home.

504
00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:34,720
Speaker 1: And when I was ready for me to have a child,

505
00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:41,120
Speaker 1: he gave me her, my seventeen year old. I could

506
00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:47,400
Speaker 1: shook sometimes, like, this is a child that has traveled

507
00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:49,520
Speaker 1: over all. For her sixteenth birthday, she got a car.

508
00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:52,240
Speaker 1: She's been in private school since pre day four. I like,

509
00:29:52,400 --> 00:30:02,080
Speaker 1: she like dreams and no, nothing is enough, nothing missing out.

510
00:30:02,200 --> 00:30:06,400
Speaker 1: You sound like a mom right now, I'm like, But

511
00:30:06,520 --> 00:30:09,239
Speaker 1: so she turns eighteen next to mine, and I was like,

512
00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:13,040
Speaker 1: I told her together, and I was like, you're very turning. God,

513
00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:19,400
Speaker 1: actually let me hold on to you. I said, Robbie

514
00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:21,680
Speaker 1: hadn't done the best of everything, but I think I

515
00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:25,600
Speaker 1: did a pretty good job. And she says, she did Okay, Mom,

516
00:30:25,760 --> 00:30:28,600
Speaker 1: now you did you did good. She's a good kid.

517
00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:33,280
Speaker 1: She smart, smart girl. And um, she's she's a good girl.

518
00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:35,680
Speaker 1: She's a good kid. She's a good kid. She's pretty gone.

519
00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:40,080
Speaker 1: She'll she's going to her senior year. And um, I

520
00:30:40,160 --> 00:30:43,479
Speaker 1: took her for a Memorial Day weekend because she had

521
00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:45,920
Speaker 1: a long breath. I took on the Disney Cruise because

522
00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:47,520
Speaker 1: we like Disney Cruise. Every year we're going to just

523
00:30:48,320 --> 00:30:50,320
Speaker 1: c and I took on the Disney Cruise just so

524
00:30:50,320 --> 00:30:53,120
Speaker 1: it gonna be and her because all after this year

525
00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:56,360
Speaker 1: she won't be able to go to the little clubs

526
00:30:56,400 --> 00:31:00,280
Speaker 1: that have the kids club, that the teenage club. She'll

527
00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:04,640
Speaker 1: be eighteen, all right, So so I wanted to that.

528
00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:07,840
Speaker 1: And so I'm gonna take her on the Europinion when

529
00:31:07,840 --> 00:31:16,000
Speaker 1: we're gonna fly into Spain and do we're gonna do Rome, Italy, Rome, Um,

530
00:31:16,360 --> 00:31:20,560
Speaker 1: France and Spain on the cruise. But she'll be at

531
00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:22,560
Speaker 1: eight she'll be eighteen since she can kind of hang

532
00:31:22,600 --> 00:31:26,560
Speaker 1: out with mom and so'll be fine. No, that's cool. Um.

533
00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:28,520
Speaker 1: What is some advice she would give to the listeners

534
00:31:28,520 --> 00:31:31,920
Speaker 1: on healing from trauma that occurred in that childhood before

535
00:31:31,920 --> 00:31:35,560
Speaker 1: it shows up in their adulthood. Talk about and find

536
00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:38,960
Speaker 1: somebody you can trust. You know, Um, go to the

537
00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:43,840
Speaker 1: sense of website es s A, m h s A

538
00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:48,720
Speaker 1: dot gov so a lot of resources. Don't feel comfortable

539
00:31:48,720 --> 00:31:51,719
Speaker 1: going there. I started a non profit in two thousand

540
00:31:51,680 --> 00:31:55,600
Speaker 1: and fifteen to get free services to trauma survivors. It's

541
00:31:55,640 --> 00:31:58,840
Speaker 1: called mean Cares. It's called mean Cares. If we can

542
00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:01,400
Speaker 1: connect you to some re sources, you can reach out

543
00:32:01,400 --> 00:32:04,320
Speaker 1: to it. So you're not alone. You're not alone. I

544
00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:07,120
Speaker 1: do what I do because we want to help people.

545
00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:09,640
Speaker 1: I go out there in the world so we can

546
00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:12,440
Speaker 1: continue to kick doors and for people and then hold

547
00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:15,240
Speaker 1: them open for them to have the time to get

548
00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:18,600
Speaker 1: through it. So yeah, so, UM, you're not You're not alone.

549
00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:21,760
Speaker 1: We are here for you. And UM, if you don't

550
00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:25,000
Speaker 1: find somebody talk to in your circle, there's other circles

551
00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:28,600
Speaker 1: that you can contact. Contact us will connect you. And

552
00:32:28,720 --> 00:32:31,000
Speaker 1: last but not least, if there is one thing that

553
00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:33,120
Speaker 1: you would like people to receive from your story, what

554
00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:35,920
Speaker 1: would that be? No matter what there's hope, no matter

555
00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:38,120
Speaker 1: how bad it feels, nobody what the record sys, no

556
00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:39,960
Speaker 1: matter what it looks like, no matter what it feels like.

557
00:32:40,080 --> 00:32:43,640
Speaker 1: I always know songs you're breathing there, So yeah, that

558
00:32:43,760 --> 00:32:46,800
Speaker 1: was my favorite. That's my mom to with us breakfast.

559
00:32:47,720 --> 00:32:49,760
Speaker 1: But I appreciate you. I know I had you don't

560
00:32:49,760 --> 00:32:52,720
Speaker 1: hear for a thousand hours, but I just people that

561
00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:55,240
Speaker 1: I was persistent with you because I just knew your story.

562
00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:57,880
Speaker 1: Was it When people bring me on this show, I

563
00:32:58,000 --> 00:33:01,560
Speaker 1: do twenty minutes. I know, oh, I know, I know you.

564
00:33:01,560 --> 00:33:02,840
Speaker 1: You have a lot going on, and I was like,

565
00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:06,800
Speaker 1: come on, God, but no, you are a great, great, great,

566
00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:09,239
Speaker 1: great host. I you know, if I can if I

567
00:33:09,280 --> 00:33:12,240
Speaker 1: can click with a person and we're joving, we're good.

568
00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:16,400
Speaker 1: So what's my pleasure? Thank you all. If I haven't

569
00:33:16,440 --> 00:33:18,160
Speaker 1: thank you, and if you have any questions of comments,

570
00:33:18,160 --> 00:33:19,760
Speaker 1: to concerns, please make sure to reach out to me

571
00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:22,800
Speaker 1: at hello at the PSD podcast dot com. And until

572
00:33:22,840 --> 00:33:27,600
Speaker 1: next time, everyone later, all right, sweetie,