1 00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:08,959 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:11,680 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:15,200 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:23,480 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:28,400 Speaker 1: Welcome back to another episode. New listeners, old listeners. It 6 00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:31,319 Speaker 1: is so amazing to have you here. Thank you for 7 00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:35,640 Speaker 1: tuning in for another episode of the Psychology of Your Twenties, 8 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:39,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we break down some of the psychology 9 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:44,400 Speaker 1: behind the major events and situations and experiences of our twenties. 10 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:46,839 Speaker 1: It is so great to have you here. Thank you 11 00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:51,519 Speaker 1: again for deciding to listen wherever you are in the world. Today, 12 00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:56,600 Speaker 1: we're going to talk about one of my most requested topics. 13 00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:59,640 Speaker 1: I get people asking me for this all the time, 14 00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:03,520 Speaker 1: and I think it is such a valuable episode to do. 15 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:06,000 Speaker 1: And I thought, as many of our listeners in the 16 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:11,000 Speaker 1: US had Thanksgiving this weekend and we're approaching the holiday season, 17 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:14,240 Speaker 1: it's an important episode to do as we spend more 18 00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:18,640 Speaker 1: time with our families and feel obligated to extend and 19 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:22,120 Speaker 1: to kind of engage with all of our family members 20 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:25,200 Speaker 1: and more from the knot that means our parents. So 21 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:28,560 Speaker 1: this is an episode for those who perhaps questioning the 22 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:31,920 Speaker 1: adult relationship or even the childhood relationship they had with 23 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:36,600 Speaker 1: their families, the good, the bad, the ugly. Most of 24 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:41,360 Speaker 1: us we are lucky enough to have secure, healthy relationships 25 00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:46,120 Speaker 1: with our parents, but not every parental relationship is perfect. 26 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:50,400 Speaker 1: And that's what we're discussing today, the psychology of narcissistic 27 00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:54,240 Speaker 1: and toxic parents. I will say before we get started, 28 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:59,160 Speaker 1: this episode is primarily going to cover emotional abuse. As 29 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:02,280 Speaker 1: we know, abuse can come in many forms, and each 30 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:05,120 Speaker 1: is equally as harmful and painful as the next and 31 00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:09,160 Speaker 1: deserves their own attention. But today we're going to be 32 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:14,200 Speaker 1: talking about instances of emotional abuse and the emotional damage 33 00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:18,320 Speaker 1: that can be inflicted by unhealthy parenting styles. And to 34 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:19,840 Speaker 1: add to this, I do just want to make a 35 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:23,200 Speaker 1: quick disclaimer before we begin and say that we are 36 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:28,079 Speaker 1: talking about some topics, situations, concepts that can and will 37 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:33,240 Speaker 1: be distressing for some people. So I topics concerning toxic 38 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:37,200 Speaker 1: or even abusive family dynamics and parenting are something that 39 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:41,000 Speaker 1: you know can cause distress or trigger you. Please just 40 00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:44,680 Speaker 1: take a moment to reflect on whether this episode is 41 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:47,079 Speaker 1: something you need to hear today. I will also say 42 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:50,160 Speaker 1: this is a highly nuanced topic and one that would 43 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:53,920 Speaker 1: take many, many episodes to cover if we wanted to 44 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:57,480 Speaker 1: do a comprehensive sweep and a comprehensive deep dive, but 45 00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:00,280 Speaker 1: sadly we don't have the time for that today. And 46 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:03,520 Speaker 1: as always, my intention with these episodes to give you 47 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:07,079 Speaker 1: the most important parts of the research and the psychology 48 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:11,760 Speaker 1: behind these experiences and the realizations of our twenties. And 49 00:03:11,919 --> 00:03:14,760 Speaker 1: one of these, one that people ask me about quite 50 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:18,280 Speaker 1: a bit, is the adult relationship we begin to have 51 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:21,440 Speaker 1: with our parents as we gain independence and create our 52 00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:25,320 Speaker 1: own lives during this decade. Often as we enter our twenties, 53 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:28,840 Speaker 1: we will see a slow or sometimes sudden shift in 54 00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:31,760 Speaker 1: the dynamics we have with our parents and our caregivers, 55 00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:36,560 Speaker 1: and a recognition perhaps of some of the mistakes they 56 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:40,040 Speaker 1: may have made when raising us, mistakes that now impact 57 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:44,440 Speaker 1: us as adults, and not always just mistakes, but intentional 58 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:47,560 Speaker 1: kind of parenting styles that they may have adopted that 59 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:50,560 Speaker 1: now we have the self awareness to realize may have 60 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:54,680 Speaker 1: negatively impacted us. And this can be a really traumatic 61 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:59,760 Speaker 1: and confusing consequential realization. As we grow into our own 62 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,400 Speaker 1: verse of ourselves and think about what we may want 63 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:05,480 Speaker 1: for our futures, whether that's kids or deciding not to 64 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:08,440 Speaker 1: have kids, or the many other options. Our twenties are 65 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:13,640 Speaker 1: obviously a period of immense self reflection, and it's often 66 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:16,240 Speaker 1: the time where we come to terms with this understanding 67 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:20,360 Speaker 1: that our parents, much like us, are people and they 68 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:23,280 Speaker 1: have their own beliefs, their own pasts, their own regrets, 69 00:04:23,279 --> 00:04:26,240 Speaker 1: their own flaws. And it may also be a period 70 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:29,840 Speaker 1: in which we recognize that our parents may be accidentally, 71 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:35,360 Speaker 1: often not intentionally, have harmed us or cause certain habits 72 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:38,760 Speaker 1: or patterns of behavior within us based on the decisions 73 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:42,000 Speaker 1: they made when they were raising us. And this recognition 74 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:44,880 Speaker 1: can bring about quite a bit of self reflection internally 75 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:47,640 Speaker 1: as we address all of the things that come along 76 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:49,640 Speaker 1: with that, some of the blames, some of the shame. 77 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,440 Speaker 1: And I think one thing that's important to know and 78 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:55,160 Speaker 1: consider as we approach this period is the type of 79 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:59,360 Speaker 1: parents we may have had and their unique parenting styles. Specifically, 80 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:04,080 Speaker 1: what are the sequences and impact that these unique styles 81 00:05:04,279 --> 00:05:08,080 Speaker 1: will and do have on our emotional and mental well being. 82 00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:12,839 Speaker 1: I think it goes without saying that our parents, our caregivers, 83 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:18,600 Speaker 1: the ones that we have in childhood, they really greatly 84 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,640 Speaker 1: impact on our future experiences in mental state. For the 85 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:24,280 Speaker 1: majority of our infancy, in our childhood, and even our 86 00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:27,719 Speaker 1: early teens, we are entirely dependent on them for everything, 87 00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:32,000 Speaker 1: for safety, for food, for compassion, and for confidence. We 88 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:35,839 Speaker 1: trust them and we really need them, and even beyond that, 89 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:39,440 Speaker 1: the family that we're born into it's perhaps like the 90 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:44,920 Speaker 1: single most important factor in determining our life trajectory, and 91 00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:48,279 Speaker 1: heaps of studies have confirmed this. There was one in 92 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:51,640 Speaker 1: particular that I found while researching this episode. It's a 93 00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:56,680 Speaker 1: longitudinal study conducted in the US, and it followed nearly 94 00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:59,240 Speaker 1: eight hundred school children from the time of birth until 95 00:05:59,279 --> 00:06:01,960 Speaker 1: they were twenty five, and they found that the family 96 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:05,520 Speaker 1: you're born into often determines your life path and where 97 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:08,480 Speaker 1: you end up. Not just you know, your income bracket 98 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:12,520 Speaker 1: and your education and opportunities, but also the trauma you hold, 99 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:16,680 Speaker 1: the beliefs, the values you have in many aspects of 100 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:20,240 Speaker 1: your long term health. If you're listening to this having 101 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:26,480 Speaker 1: had or having experienced a toxic, narcissistic or abusive caregiving 102 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:30,320 Speaker 1: environment or childhood, I do want to say it's not 103 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:34,120 Speaker 1: all doom and glue. Whilst you know a parenting approach 104 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:38,280 Speaker 1: adopted by our caregivers and our childhood environment is really crucial. 105 00:06:38,839 --> 00:06:42,400 Speaker 1: It is mitigated by many other important determinants, and it's 106 00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:46,919 Speaker 1: always we want to take a strength based approach during 107 00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:50,520 Speaker 1: these episodes. We want to see the future, see the lights, 108 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:54,200 Speaker 1: see the opportunities that we have to grow from our experiences, 109 00:06:54,839 --> 00:06:56,839 Speaker 1: not just the ones we have in our twenties. So 110 00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:59,640 Speaker 1: there is definitely going to be a discussion at the 111 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,840 Speaker 1: end of the episode about what we can do to 112 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:06,000 Speaker 1: kind of you to navigate our adult relationship with our parents, 113 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:09,840 Speaker 1: and how do we overcome perhaps an abusive or toxic 114 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:14,400 Speaker 1: or narcissistic caregiving environment when we were children. So let's 115 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:17,160 Speaker 1: dive in into you know, what a parent, a toxic 116 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:20,800 Speaker 1: parenting style or a toxic caregiving environment might look like 117 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,200 Speaker 1: in some of the impacts, but also how we can 118 00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:31,640 Speaker 1: move forward. So let's get straight into it. What exactly 119 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:37,200 Speaker 1: is toxic parenting as opposed to healthy, secure parenting and 120 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:43,160 Speaker 1: a healthy, secure childhood environment, a healthy secure upbringing. If 121 00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:47,200 Speaker 1: you listen to the episode on Overcoming Childhood Trauma, we 122 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:49,840 Speaker 1: delve much deeper into this topic in that episode. But 123 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:52,240 Speaker 1: to give those an overview who may have not had 124 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:56,280 Speaker 1: the time to listen to that. Essentially, a healthy childhood 125 00:07:56,320 --> 00:08:00,120 Speaker 1: environment is one that is free of trauma, one that 126 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:04,640 Speaker 1: is free of not necessarily struggle, but one that is supportive, 127 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,480 Speaker 1: in which we feel like the people who surround us, 128 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,840 Speaker 1: particularly our parents, are providing our needs and the needs 129 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:15,560 Speaker 1: that we essentially need met. It's not necessarily one that 130 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:19,480 Speaker 1: is free of trauma. It's one that is an environment 131 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:23,480 Speaker 1: of support, whereas a toxic childhood environment might be one 132 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:29,240 Speaker 1: in which your needs aren't met emotionally, physically, socially, mentally, 133 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:32,920 Speaker 1: and it's often defined by some level of trauma. And 134 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:35,880 Speaker 1: I think when we think about trauma, we often think 135 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:39,920 Speaker 1: about really major events like a war or a massive accident, 136 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:44,320 Speaker 1: or a massive injury or illness or a death. That's 137 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:47,200 Speaker 1: not always necessarily the case. When we talk more about 138 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:51,839 Speaker 1: toxic parenting, we'll see that even just an unstable and 139 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:57,160 Speaker 1: negative upbringing and parental environment is enough to create PTSD 140 00:08:57,320 --> 00:09:02,040 Speaker 1: in long term trauma. So essential toxic parenting, it's poor 141 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:06,600 Speaker 1: parenting in which the relationship that a parent and child 142 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:11,960 Speaker 1: is not healthy. It's not conducive to collaboration and to 143 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:15,480 Speaker 1: support and to unconditional love, which is I think something 144 00:09:15,559 --> 00:09:20,160 Speaker 1: every child really really needs. And it's not always the 145 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:22,480 Speaker 1: parent's fault, you know, Like we'll talk about this a 146 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:26,640 Speaker 1: lot more later. Sometimes it's because of generational trauma and 147 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:32,280 Speaker 1: generational learnings and cultural and societal expectations, but essentially, toxic 148 00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:36,840 Speaker 1: parenting results in an inability for a child to trust 149 00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:40,000 Speaker 1: their parent. For a child to go to their parent 150 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:43,280 Speaker 1: might be because that parent is neglecting their needs, especially 151 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:48,560 Speaker 1: their emotional needs, and there might even be instances of abuse, 152 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:53,120 Speaker 1: not just physical, but every other kind. Adults who have 153 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:57,760 Speaker 1: toxic parents and a toxic relationship with their parents, normally 154 00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:02,120 Speaker 1: they're not even able to recognize those behaviors were inherently 155 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:07,160 Speaker 1: wrong or miscalculated or even sometimes cruel until they're older, 156 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,800 Speaker 1: until they're in their twenties, and often they'll end up 157 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:16,280 Speaker 1: with psychological and behavioral issues or damage that although they 158 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:19,760 Speaker 1: may seem like this well perfect, put together, functioning person 159 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:25,240 Speaker 1: internally and unconsciously, that's not always the case. And that's 160 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:28,000 Speaker 1: why this can bring along with it a cycle of 161 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:31,880 Speaker 1: negative thinking, of being over critical to ourselves, of feeling 162 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:35,640 Speaker 1: guilt and shame. A lot of the research done on 163 00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:40,640 Speaker 1: toxic and particularly narcissistic parenting came from the nineteen hundred 164 00:10:40,679 --> 00:10:43,320 Speaker 1: so last century, and obviously things have come a long 165 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:47,600 Speaker 1: way when we think about the emergence of social media 166 00:10:47,679 --> 00:10:50,120 Speaker 1: and the internet, like, the dynamics that children have with 167 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:54,400 Speaker 1: their parents now are completely changed. Children are growing up 168 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,720 Speaker 1: so much quicker. Like I always see these tiktoks of 169 00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:58,600 Speaker 1: people being like, oh, you know, when I was in 170 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:01,400 Speaker 1: middle school, when I was the team, like, this is 171 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:04,280 Speaker 1: what I look like versus what children these days look like. 172 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:08,880 Speaker 1: And it's obviously a massive comparison. And although there is 173 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:12,320 Speaker 1: heaps of research into how social media is kind of 174 00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:15,560 Speaker 1: disrupting the dynamic that children and parents have is making 175 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:19,560 Speaker 1: children kind of mature faster, it's still something that we 176 00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:22,800 Speaker 1: don't have many like long term studies and long term 177 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:26,600 Speaker 1: research into. But let's dive into this early research. We 178 00:11:26,679 --> 00:11:31,679 Speaker 1: know that anecdotally different parents have different ways of parenting 179 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:35,840 Speaker 1: and providing for their children's needs, sometimes not providing for 180 00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:40,200 Speaker 1: their children's needs. A parenting style it's essentially it's a 181 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:46,960 Speaker 1: psychological construct that outlines the specific behaviors and characteristics that 182 00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:51,520 Speaker 1: define what a person and what a parent deems as 183 00:11:51,559 --> 00:11:57,239 Speaker 1: appropriate or necessary when raising a child. And these practices 184 00:11:57,240 --> 00:12:01,280 Speaker 1: are formed in part by by culture, by the environment 185 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:06,720 Speaker 1: that they live in, societal expectations, and of course generational 186 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:13,199 Speaker 1: learning and at times generational trauma. If there is one researcher, 187 00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:17,319 Speaker 1: one psychologist whose name it is important to remember from 188 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:21,040 Speaker 1: this episode, it's Diana Baumer and she was basically like 189 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:25,640 Speaker 1: the founder of parental psychology. I'm not sure if that's 190 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:31,440 Speaker 1: a discipline, but basically research into the psychology behind why 191 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:35,480 Speaker 1: parents and why people raise their children's their children differently. 192 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:41,679 Speaker 1: And she observed children across many different kind of generations 193 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:45,640 Speaker 1: and environments and cultures, and she found what she considers 194 00:12:45,679 --> 00:12:51,000 Speaker 1: to be the four basic elements that help shape successful parenting. 195 00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:55,480 Speaker 1: And they're kind of these contradictory ways of treating a child. 196 00:12:55,559 --> 00:13:01,920 Speaker 1: There's responsiveness versus unresponsiveness, and demanding versus demanding versus undemanding, Sorry, 197 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:06,640 Speaker 1: demanding versus undemanding, and these kind of two spectrums and 198 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:10,079 Speaker 1: four characteristics determine the type of parent that you and 199 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:15,600 Speaker 1: I may have had. Parental responsiveness essentially, that refers to 200 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:19,599 Speaker 1: the degree to which a parent is willing to respond 201 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:24,920 Speaker 1: to their child's needs in a supportive and accepting manner 202 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,840 Speaker 1: in a way that is conducive to input from their child, 203 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:31,679 Speaker 1: and it's conducive to long term emotional support and long 204 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:36,160 Speaker 1: term growth in a healthy, sustainable relationship built on trust 205 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:41,600 Speaker 1: and on respect. Parental demandingness refers to the rules which 206 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:44,520 Speaker 1: are parent places on their child, the amount of discipline 207 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:47,920 Speaker 1: they enact, how strict they are, what they expect of 208 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:52,240 Speaker 1: their child, and the repercussions that follow these rules if 209 00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:56,440 Speaker 1: they're broken. So from this, we can identify four different 210 00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:59,439 Speaker 1: styles of parenting, and I want you to listen to these. 211 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:03,000 Speaker 1: So there's four and see if any of the traits 212 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:06,959 Speaker 1: here are recognizable. See if you can identify your parents 213 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:10,080 Speaker 1: in these kind of profiles. I'm not sure if this 214 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:12,520 Speaker 1: is like the healthiest exercise, but it's an interesting one, 215 00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:15,600 Speaker 1: right to see where your parents and where your care 216 00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:18,040 Speaker 1: givers and where your family might sit on the spectrum. 217 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:26,720 Speaker 1: So the four styles are authoritative and authoritarian. Yes, they're different, authoritative, authoritarian, neglectful, 218 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:32,480 Speaker 1: and indulgent slash permissive. So the first one authoritarian. These 219 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:36,440 Speaker 1: parents are quite demanding, but they're not responsive and a 220 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:41,000 Speaker 1: lot a lot of research has been done into the 221 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:43,080 Speaker 1: children of these parents and how a lot of them 222 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:47,520 Speaker 1: end up becoming criminal offenders. Obviously not all of them become, 223 00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:50,760 Speaker 1: and you know, it's obviously contributed by other circumstances and 224 00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:55,120 Speaker 1: by other lifestyle factors. But often these children can turn 225 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:58,680 Speaker 1: into people that aren't able to see themselves as being 226 00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:03,000 Speaker 1: loved and able to see themselves reflected or respected in society. 227 00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:07,360 Speaker 1: These parents are big believers in setting rules for their 228 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:12,040 Speaker 1: children to follow, but not so much interested in listening 229 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:17,240 Speaker 1: to their children, seeing their children as independent people, or 230 00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:21,400 Speaker 1: taking their view into consideration. They often believe that children 231 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:24,960 Speaker 1: are best to be seen and not heard. They're not 232 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:28,800 Speaker 1: willing to apologize for their actions or listen to their children. Often, 233 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:30,920 Speaker 1: you know, it's that whole age old like because I 234 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:34,480 Speaker 1: said so explanation for their decisions, and we can kind 235 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:37,920 Speaker 1: of see that that doesn't leave much room for a 236 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:43,520 Speaker 1: constructive two sided relationship. And the result is these children 237 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:47,600 Speaker 1: often grow up to not only be quite anxious, but 238 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:51,280 Speaker 1: often quite rebellious. Or they might find it difficult to 239 00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:55,400 Speaker 1: establish boundaries for themselves because their parents have always done 240 00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:58,080 Speaker 1: it for them. They've grown up in this really strict 241 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:01,880 Speaker 1: environment they used to obeying rather than leading. It can 242 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:05,240 Speaker 1: also result in these children growing up to be quiet. 243 00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:09,080 Speaker 1: I don't like the word undisciplined, but like rebellious, that's 244 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:12,320 Speaker 1: not necessarily a bad thing, right, Like maybe they grow 245 00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:14,400 Speaker 1: up to be really creative or to be really free 246 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:18,920 Speaker 1: thinking because they're pushing back against the restrictiveness of their 247 00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:23,720 Speaker 1: parental environment of their upbringing. So that was authoritarian. Now 248 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:27,520 Speaker 1: let's talk about authoritative. These parents have rules and they 249 00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:31,000 Speaker 1: have consequences for the actions of their children, but they 250 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:33,960 Speaker 1: also take their children's opinion into accounts. They validate their 251 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:37,960 Speaker 1: children's feelings, but making it clear that we're in charge, 252 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,400 Speaker 1: we are the adult, we are the parent. That's kind 253 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:44,280 Speaker 1: of the lay of the land. So if you're listening 254 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:46,680 Speaker 1: to this and thinking, oh my god, that sounds like 255 00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:49,760 Speaker 1: my parents, that's probably the case. It is the most 256 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,720 Speaker 1: prominent parenting style, and it's also backed by heaps of 257 00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:56,480 Speaker 1: experts and heaps of research that it's the most developmentally 258 00:16:56,520 --> 00:17:00,480 Speaker 1: healthy and effective parenting style because these parents they put 259 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:05,160 Speaker 1: a lot of effort into creating and maintaining a positive 260 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:09,920 Speaker 1: relationship with their child, not just from this like this 261 00:17:10,119 --> 00:17:13,520 Speaker 1: position of them being in charge and the child being inferior, 262 00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:17,920 Speaker 1: Like there isn't this weird, like weird strange hierarchy if 263 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:20,440 Speaker 1: the child will always be below them and should take 264 00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:23,280 Speaker 1: whatever they hand down to them. Right. They want communication, 265 00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:26,920 Speaker 1: they want honesty, and they want their children's input. Like 266 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:30,000 Speaker 1: I said, the most healthy and effective parenting style because 267 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:33,280 Speaker 1: children are both given the structure and safety that they need, 268 00:17:33,359 --> 00:17:37,119 Speaker 1: but also the independence and respect of their emotional needs. 269 00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:42,120 Speaker 1: Next up, we have permissive. So permissive parents. They're super loving, right, 270 00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:45,760 Speaker 1: they're super affectionate, super accepting, but they don't make many 271 00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:50,400 Speaker 1: demands of their children. They are very lenient. They don't 272 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,880 Speaker 1: really want to interfere. They don't really want to give 273 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:56,320 Speaker 1: their children boundaries or rules. That's totally fine as long 274 00:17:56,359 --> 00:17:59,119 Speaker 1: as you're not harming your child, but there are some 275 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:00,840 Speaker 1: ways in which the stuff hurt them in the long 276 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,879 Speaker 1: term because these parents don't want to, you know, they 277 00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:06,600 Speaker 1: tend to avoid conflict with their children. They don't tend 278 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:12,840 Speaker 1: to set up routine rules and routine boundaries. They often 279 00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:16,199 Speaker 1: result in children who you know, have a bit too 280 00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:18,800 Speaker 1: much freedom there without discipline that is often needed. They 281 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:23,080 Speaker 1: might struggle academically and struggle to understand boundaries. But it's 282 00:18:23,119 --> 00:18:25,640 Speaker 1: also a healthy parenting style in the way that they 283 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:29,440 Speaker 1: encourage their kids to talk about issues they don't make 284 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:34,280 Speaker 1: their children, you know, beg for love or beg for compliments, 285 00:18:34,359 --> 00:18:38,040 Speaker 1: or beg for affection. So that's the third type, and 286 00:18:38,119 --> 00:18:40,800 Speaker 1: the final is the one that we're going to focus 287 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:43,040 Speaker 1: on for the remainder of this episode. It is the 288 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:46,880 Speaker 1: toxic parenting style. It is perhaps the worst, and it's 289 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:50,800 Speaker 1: called uninvolved And this is the final parenting style, perhaps 290 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:54,600 Speaker 1: the most dangerous and the most linked to narcissistic parenting, 291 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,720 Speaker 1: which we're going to talk about a little bit later. 292 00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:03,040 Speaker 1: Uninvolved parents they demand almost nothing, but they give nothing 293 00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:07,159 Speaker 1: in return. So uninvolved parents they expect their kids to 294 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:12,200 Speaker 1: raise themselves to have like ultimate often neglectful, a neglectful 295 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:15,320 Speaker 1: level of independence. They don't set expectations, they don't set 296 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:19,240 Speaker 1: boundaries or consequences. They may also spend a lot of 297 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:23,159 Speaker 1: time away from home. They might not even put energy 298 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:27,600 Speaker 1: into their children's basic needs. Sometimes this isn't their fault, 299 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:30,239 Speaker 1: like we really need to be consider it when we 300 00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:33,280 Speaker 1: talk about these different parenting styles of the circumstances and 301 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,800 Speaker 1: external factors that we don't really know anything about. But 302 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:40,320 Speaker 1: this is just a typical profile of what a psychologist 303 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,200 Speaker 1: or a therapist or someone in the community might see 304 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:46,840 Speaker 1: if they were looking at an uninvolved parent, it basically 305 00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:51,479 Speaker 1: kind of verges on the territory of neglect. And of 306 00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:53,720 Speaker 1: course they might have another issue at play, right, you know, 307 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:57,439 Speaker 1: something that interferes with their ability to look after their child. 308 00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:02,680 Speaker 1: Maybe they have an issue where addiction or mental health problems, 309 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:06,240 Speaker 1: a lack of education se via financial stress that they 310 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:10,120 Speaker 1: need to kind of manage first before they can take 311 00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:14,800 Speaker 1: care of their children. But it's not a very loving environment. 312 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:18,280 Speaker 1: The child doesn't feel cared for, They don't feel like 313 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:21,040 Speaker 1: their parents invest in them. You know, they might not 314 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,040 Speaker 1: ask their kids about school or sporting games or how 315 00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:28,760 Speaker 1: their days were. And we can see how detrimental and 316 00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:34,200 Speaker 1: harmful this is going to be. Not having someone who 317 00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:39,760 Speaker 1: cares about us can create a really unloving environment where 318 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:43,760 Speaker 1: we don't feel, as children like we are emotionally supported, 319 00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:45,960 Speaker 1: We aren't able to trust, we don't feel like we 320 00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,879 Speaker 1: have someone who cares about us, Like I don't know. 321 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:51,439 Speaker 1: When I was researching this, all I could think about was, like, 322 00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:54,320 Speaker 1: I don't know, like a tiny helpless child just wanting 323 00:20:54,359 --> 00:20:57,960 Speaker 1: someone to ask them how their day was or help 324 00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:01,480 Speaker 1: them with their homework makes my heartache, you know, so much. 325 00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:05,440 Speaker 1: But it does happen. It does happen. As we said, 326 00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:08,520 Speaker 1: like most parents will fall into that kind of one 327 00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,280 Speaker 1: of those four categories. So if that was you, I'm 328 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:14,560 Speaker 1: really sorry if that was your experience. But we'll talk 329 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:17,399 Speaker 1: about more. How that's, you know, not really the end 330 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,240 Speaker 1: of the line. That's not really the end of our lives. 331 00:21:20,119 --> 00:21:22,639 Speaker 1: We know that these four styles are not exhaustive, you know, 332 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:25,600 Speaker 1: there are so many other different styles. The slow parenting, 333 00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:29,720 Speaker 1: positive parenting, I don't know, gentle parenting, that's super popular 334 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:32,440 Speaker 1: these days. I'm Another cute one that I learned when 335 00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:34,800 Speaker 1: I was at UNI was called dolphin parenting. I think 336 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:39,120 Speaker 1: this is like that, it's so sweet. It's basically described 337 00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,680 Speaker 1: as a type of parenting that involves being almost like 338 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:44,600 Speaker 1: a friend to one's child, super playful and social and 339 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:47,960 Speaker 1: focused on independence. Like then, I always get like the 340 00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:51,879 Speaker 1: visual of like the dolphin, like mom and dad or 341 00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:54,640 Speaker 1: like parent out in the open waters and like their 342 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:57,800 Speaker 1: little baby dolphin, like hanging out beside them, going off 343 00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:01,080 Speaker 1: doing their own thing, but always coming back right, being playful, 344 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:03,840 Speaker 1: being like jubilant. I don't know, it's quite cute, but 345 00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:08,639 Speaker 1: there are other types not dolphin parenting that aren't so cute, 346 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,400 Speaker 1: and then I want to focus on for the rest 347 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:15,760 Speaker 1: of this episode. So one particular parent that has gotten 348 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:20,680 Speaker 1: a lot of attention is the narcissistic parent. I think 349 00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:24,960 Speaker 1: this is so interesting but also can be quite disturbing. 350 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:29,600 Speaker 1: So obviously, we all know that narcissistic people they exist 351 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:33,760 Speaker 1: in society. In fact, there are studies that even suggest 352 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:38,640 Speaker 1: like one in two hundred people have narcissism. And yeah, 353 00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:41,840 Speaker 1: it's a disorder. It's not something that people can control 354 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:45,119 Speaker 1: or that they willingly choose to be. But the behaviors 355 00:22:45,119 --> 00:22:49,879 Speaker 1: of a narcissist, nonetheless can be incredibly harmful. So what 356 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:53,840 Speaker 1: happens when these people have children? And how do we 357 00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:58,320 Speaker 1: identify if our parent might be a narcissistic parent, not 358 00:22:58,359 --> 00:23:02,640 Speaker 1: just a narcissistic person, but allow those kind of overall 359 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:07,479 Speaker 1: attitudes bleed into how they treat their children. Let's give 360 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:10,320 Speaker 1: a brief definition of narcissism before we get into it. 361 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:13,439 Speaker 1: We have an episode on this on the psychology of 362 00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:17,520 Speaker 1: narcissism if you're interested, but if you do need a refresher. Basically, 363 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:21,200 Speaker 1: a narcissist is a person who has an excessive interest 364 00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:26,199 Speaker 1: or admiration of themselves and isn't able to see the 365 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:29,280 Speaker 1: point of view of others. Everyone is obviously a little 366 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,960 Speaker 1: bit narcissistic. We have good days, we have bad days. 367 00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:35,200 Speaker 1: It's part of being a human, like all traits are, 368 00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:39,679 Speaker 1: and often as adolescents we even go through a period 369 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:43,800 Speaker 1: developmentally where we have an exaggerated sense of self. When 370 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:47,359 Speaker 1: narcissism begins to interfere with how a person functions, though, 371 00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:50,200 Speaker 1: and how they function at home, at work, at school, 372 00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:54,640 Speaker 1: that's when it's problematic, and that's when it veers into 373 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:58,480 Speaker 1: the realm of a personality disorder rather than just a trait. 374 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:02,320 Speaker 1: So these people, they have an unreasonably high sense of 375 00:24:02,359 --> 00:24:06,200 Speaker 1: their own self importance, but in kind of conjunction with that, 376 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:09,119 Speaker 1: and alongside that, they also have really low levels of 377 00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:12,480 Speaker 1: empathy and can often lash out when they feel that 378 00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:15,960 Speaker 1: people aren't respecting them or don't admire them, and they 379 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:19,480 Speaker 1: might be disappointed when they're not given special favors, when 380 00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:23,439 Speaker 1: people don't meet their needs, and they find their relationships, 381 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:26,800 Speaker 1: including with their children if they have them, to be 382 00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:31,639 Speaker 1: really unfulfilling because they want so much from the other person. 383 00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:35,360 Speaker 1: So let's answer that question we had before. What happens 384 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:40,360 Speaker 1: when these people become parents. So there was two researchers 385 00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:43,480 Speaker 1: out of the University of Georgia in the US who 386 00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:46,040 Speaker 1: have focused on this for quite some time. They're essentially 387 00:24:46,119 --> 00:24:50,320 Speaker 1: experts in narcissism, and what they found is that when 388 00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:54,920 Speaker 1: narcissists have children, often they lose interest in their children 389 00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:59,040 Speaker 1: entirely and look for other sources of validation, often leading 390 00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:02,880 Speaker 1: to that parenting style we kind of just just discussed, 391 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:07,600 Speaker 1: like the uninvolved parent, but to an added degree, others 392 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:10,560 Speaker 1: tend to view their children as a reflection of themselves. 393 00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:14,920 Speaker 1: They become hyper involved and controlling. They see their children 394 00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:19,480 Speaker 1: as an opportunity for self advancement rather than just as 395 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:22,920 Speaker 1: a child, as someone who was a human who was growing, 396 00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:27,920 Speaker 1: and as per their self seeking tendencies. They often place 397 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,800 Speaker 1: a lot of value on how a child can contribute 398 00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:34,760 Speaker 1: to their status and their appearance and how people see them, 399 00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:40,160 Speaker 1: rather than the most important thing being how that child is, 400 00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:42,960 Speaker 1: how they are mentally, how they're going. I know it 401 00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:46,080 Speaker 1: sounds so basic, but like a child should be allowed 402 00:25:46,119 --> 00:25:50,600 Speaker 1: to be a child without the expectations of a parent, 403 00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:53,919 Speaker 1: kind of like veering down on them and creating a 404 00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:57,840 Speaker 1: toxic environment. They have really high expectations of their children. 405 00:25:58,119 --> 00:26:02,040 Speaker 1: Those are the narcissist parents who don't completely abandon them 406 00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:04,720 Speaker 1: when they get kind of bored, and they push their 407 00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:09,080 Speaker 1: kids to excel in everything. They believe that their children 408 00:26:09,119 --> 00:26:12,840 Speaker 1: are special and deserving of special opportunities and privileges, but 409 00:26:12,920 --> 00:26:16,480 Speaker 1: they refuse to tolerate anything less than perfection from their 410 00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:19,920 Speaker 1: own child. So this sometimes leads into what is called 411 00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:25,040 Speaker 1: narcissistic parental abuse, and this involves parents who excessively need 412 00:26:25,119 --> 00:26:29,240 Speaker 1: admiration or attention at an enormous cost to their child's 413 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:34,840 Speaker 1: development and well being. They become obsessed, obsessed with what 414 00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:41,040 Speaker 1: their child can do for them, how their child's successes 415 00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:44,720 Speaker 1: and accolades, and everything else to do with them. Their 416 00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:49,160 Speaker 1: looks will reflect on them, and it may be done subconsciously. 417 00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:55,399 Speaker 1: The goal of narcissistic abuse isn't always known consciously to 418 00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:59,879 Speaker 1: the person who is instigating it, but essentially, when we 419 00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:02,959 Speaker 1: see a narcissistic parent who is acting in this way, 420 00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:06,480 Speaker 1: they the ultimate kind of goal. The ultimate thing that 421 00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:09,639 Speaker 1: they have in mind based on this kind of disordered 422 00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:13,240 Speaker 1: personality they have, is to be in control and is 423 00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:16,840 Speaker 1: to be the most important person in the room. So 424 00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:20,040 Speaker 1: they're willing to do anything to make their child comply 425 00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:23,840 Speaker 1: with how they think their lives should go, and they 426 00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:26,280 Speaker 1: kind of place themselves as the care giver at the 427 00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:28,800 Speaker 1: center of the relationship that rather than the child, and 428 00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:31,080 Speaker 1: I think we can all agree that it should be 429 00:27:31,119 --> 00:27:36,400 Speaker 1: the child in childhood. The victims of narcissistic parental abuse, 430 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:39,800 Speaker 1: if you've been through this, if you've had a parent 431 00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:44,640 Speaker 1: who is so obsessed with your successes, so obsessed with 432 00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:47,080 Speaker 1: what you can do for them, but also so focused 433 00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:50,119 Speaker 1: on themselves, so focused in what other people think of 434 00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:52,399 Speaker 1: you and think and think of them and think of 435 00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:55,560 Speaker 1: your family, or perhaps they just don't care about you 436 00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:57,840 Speaker 1: at all, in favor of their own careers or in 437 00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:01,040 Speaker 1: favor of, you know, their own kind of vision and 438 00:28:01,119 --> 00:28:05,440 Speaker 1: external appearance. Typically what happens is people who've suffered through 439 00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:11,040 Speaker 1: this they feel ashamed, they feel unimportant, they feel insignificant, 440 00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:15,520 Speaker 1: and sometimes they feel responsible for the abusive behavior that 441 00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:20,520 Speaker 1: they kind of were subjected to, often emotionally abusive behavior. 442 00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:24,840 Speaker 1: Because narcissists are really great a twisting and narrative so 443 00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:27,120 Speaker 1: that they are never the villain, They are always kind 444 00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:30,159 Speaker 1: of the hero. They are always the god like person 445 00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:33,359 Speaker 1: who has all these amazing qualities and who rises above 446 00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:36,560 Speaker 1: It was your fault. You're the reason that's happened because 447 00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:40,200 Speaker 1: you failed to impress them and meet their standards. And 448 00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:43,280 Speaker 1: you know, there are different types of narcissistic parental abuse. 449 00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:48,400 Speaker 1: It can be physical, psychological, emotional, you know, including things 450 00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:53,800 Speaker 1: like verbal insults or gaslighting, harsh criticisms, mind games like 451 00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:58,400 Speaker 1: passive aggressiveness, silent treatment, like the list goes on and 452 00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:01,680 Speaker 1: on and on, and you know, sometimes I think there 453 00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:04,680 Speaker 1: is this weird comparison in psychology and in therapy that like, 454 00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:07,520 Speaker 1: there is this kind of spectrum of abuse and at 455 00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:10,640 Speaker 1: one end is like the things we typically really cringe 456 00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:14,040 Speaker 1: over it and make us really distressed and feel really uncomfortable, 457 00:29:14,040 --> 00:29:17,000 Speaker 1: which is sexual and physical abuse, and then you know 458 00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:20,080 Speaker 1: there's things down the other end, like silent treatment and 459 00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:24,000 Speaker 1: passive aggressiveness might not seem as detrimental, but oh my goodness, 460 00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:28,640 Speaker 1: I mean that is entirely false. They absolutely are because 461 00:29:28,680 --> 00:29:31,480 Speaker 1: they teach a child that they are alone, that they 462 00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:35,400 Speaker 1: cannot trust their parents, they are not valued, that they 463 00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:41,400 Speaker 1: are not cared for, that they're invisible, and many behaviors 464 00:29:41,440 --> 00:29:45,640 Speaker 1: that are sometimes instituted by narcissistic parents are overlooked by 465 00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:50,200 Speaker 1: teachers in general society because they look good. Narcissists are 466 00:29:50,200 --> 00:29:53,800 Speaker 1: so great at making the external appearance of their parenting 467 00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:58,400 Speaker 1: style look good. You know, it might seem beneficial to 468 00:29:58,440 --> 00:30:01,960 Speaker 1: be encouraging your child to achieve specific goals and to 469 00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:05,000 Speaker 1: groom your child to be seen as like the golden 470 00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:08,520 Speaker 1: pupil and the golden child, but it might also be 471 00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:14,000 Speaker 1: narcissistic parental abuse. I do just want to say, not 472 00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:18,000 Speaker 1: all people who are narcissists going to treat their children 473 00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:20,479 Speaker 1: as we have described, And it's really rare that this 474 00:30:20,520 --> 00:30:23,800 Speaker 1: would be or that you have experienced this type of parent. 475 00:30:23,880 --> 00:30:25,760 Speaker 1: But it doesn't mean it doesn't happen, and it doesn't 476 00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:31,640 Speaker 1: mean that when it does, it's quite harmful. Just because 477 00:30:31,760 --> 00:30:34,800 Speaker 1: perhaps your parent might fit some of these descriptions, it 478 00:30:34,840 --> 00:30:38,880 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that they were abusive narcissistic parents. I think 479 00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:42,880 Speaker 1: it's important to also consider a lot of other things 480 00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:46,800 Speaker 1: and to really seek professional help and the professional opinion 481 00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:51,720 Speaker 1: if you are suddenly identifying attributes of your parents in 482 00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:55,960 Speaker 1: these kind of descriptions. But once again, like this parental style, 483 00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:58,800 Speaker 1: it's so disruptive, it's so dysfunctional and it can be 484 00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:03,480 Speaker 1: really really harmful in the long term. I just want 485 00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:06,080 Speaker 1: to stress as well, like if this is something that 486 00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:09,120 Speaker 1: you can relate to, it's not some kind of like 487 00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:12,480 Speaker 1: death sentence, like a sign of your certificate, like that's 488 00:31:12,480 --> 00:31:14,440 Speaker 1: the end of their life. They're never going to be well, 489 00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:17,719 Speaker 1: They're never going to be well rounded or development or developed. 490 00:31:17,760 --> 00:31:21,280 Speaker 1: Probably absolutely not. Like I said at the beginning, we're 491 00:31:21,320 --> 00:31:24,720 Speaker 1: all about like a strength based narrative on this show 492 00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:28,560 Speaker 1: and the actions that we can take small and significant 493 00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:32,840 Speaker 1: to overcome the difficulties, the difficulties we are all going 494 00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:38,479 Speaker 1: to experience at some stage in our lives. So I 495 00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:42,160 Speaker 1: also want to talk about firstly some of the impacts 496 00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:46,480 Speaker 1: and ways to identify the impacts that these parenting styles 497 00:31:46,720 --> 00:31:49,560 Speaker 1: might have inflicted on us in the long term, but 498 00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:53,080 Speaker 1: also the strategies and the mechanisms that we can adopt 499 00:31:53,080 --> 00:31:57,120 Speaker 1: to kind of rise above the struggles and the harms 500 00:31:57,240 --> 00:32:08,520 Speaker 1: that come along with toxic and narcissus parenting styles. There 501 00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:13,240 Speaker 1: has obviously been a lot of research into the impacts 502 00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:19,760 Speaker 1: of toxic and narcissistic parenting and parents during our upbringing 503 00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:22,720 Speaker 1: on the behaviors that we bring into adulthood. It's a 504 00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:27,800 Speaker 1: huge part of social psychology to understand how our interpersonal relationships, 505 00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:32,000 Speaker 1: including those that we have with our caregivers, ultimately kind 506 00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:35,280 Speaker 1: of sets up our life trajectory in many ways. It 507 00:32:35,360 --> 00:32:40,040 Speaker 1: can impact everything from the partners we choose to our 508 00:32:40,080 --> 00:32:43,560 Speaker 1: career paths, our mental and emotional health in the company 509 00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:47,680 Speaker 1: we keep. Studies have found that children of narcissistic parents 510 00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:52,000 Speaker 1: have significantly higher rates of depression and lower self esteem 511 00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:56,080 Speaker 1: during adulthood compared to those who didn't perceive their parents 512 00:32:56,160 --> 00:32:59,840 Speaker 1: or their caregivers to be narcissistic. Often a parents like 513 00:33:00,160 --> 00:33:03,400 Speaker 1: empathy towards their child contributes to this. You know, the 514 00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:08,120 Speaker 1: child's own desires are denied, their feelings are restrained, their 515 00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:11,840 Speaker 1: emotional well being is ignored for kind of the parents 516 00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:17,000 Speaker 1: perceived higher goal and higher desire to be perceived, for 517 00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:19,920 Speaker 1: them to be perceived as as well liked, for them 518 00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:24,200 Speaker 1: to be perceived as successful, often using their child as 519 00:33:24,280 --> 00:33:26,880 Speaker 1: kind of a tool or a resource to get them there. 520 00:33:27,600 --> 00:33:31,800 Speaker 1: Children of narcissistic parents, they're taught to submit, they're taught 521 00:33:31,840 --> 00:33:36,560 Speaker 1: to conform, and it causes them to often lose touch 522 00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:41,200 Speaker 1: of themselves as individuals and deny the parts of the 523 00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:45,080 Speaker 1: individuality that they might value, and this can lead to 524 00:33:45,120 --> 00:33:49,080 Speaker 1: the child possessing as in adulthood, often few memories of 525 00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:53,440 Speaker 1: feeling appreciated or loved by them by their parents were 526 00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:58,120 Speaker 1: being themselves because they tend to associate the love and 527 00:33:58,200 --> 00:34:02,960 Speaker 1: appreciation they received from their parents with conformity and with success. 528 00:34:04,040 --> 00:34:06,960 Speaker 1: You may also experience, you know, chronic stress if you've 529 00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:10,080 Speaker 1: had toxic parents and other health problems, because you're used 530 00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:14,160 Speaker 1: to living in an environment in which you weren't neglected, 531 00:34:14,800 --> 00:34:18,880 Speaker 1: in which love was not a constant. You can also 532 00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:22,759 Speaker 1: involve self sabotaging if it's normal for you to be 533 00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:26,360 Speaker 1: surrounded by toxic people because of the lessons and the 534 00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:29,719 Speaker 1: habits you've picked up from your parents. You might struggle 535 00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:32,680 Speaker 1: setting boundaries because you know, if we think about the 536 00:34:33,000 --> 00:34:37,000 Speaker 1: authoritarian parent, like they always did that for you. We 537 00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:40,600 Speaker 1: talked about this before, right, they set up this incredibly 538 00:34:40,719 --> 00:34:44,880 Speaker 1: strict structure around you that you had to obey and follow. 539 00:34:45,560 --> 00:34:48,919 Speaker 1: So when you're an adult, when you live on your own, 540 00:34:48,960 --> 00:34:51,319 Speaker 1: when you go out and do your own thing, you 541 00:34:51,400 --> 00:34:54,359 Speaker 1: no longer have that kind of can you no longer 542 00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:57,279 Speaker 1: have that environment, that environment that's normal to you that 543 00:34:57,400 --> 00:35:00,760 Speaker 1: feels normal to you to go back to. So you've 544 00:35:00,880 --> 00:35:03,439 Speaker 1: really struggled to set boundaries within your life because someone 545 00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:06,000 Speaker 1: else has always done that for you. It has always 546 00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:10,120 Speaker 1: done that in the past. I think people with dysfunctional 547 00:35:10,160 --> 00:35:14,520 Speaker 1: relationships with their parents might also struggle with a lot 548 00:35:14,520 --> 00:35:17,880 Speaker 1: of other things right. They might struggle with trusting themselves, 549 00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:21,360 Speaker 1: with their self esteem, with their confidence, and studies have 550 00:35:21,440 --> 00:35:25,360 Speaker 1: even suggested that our upbringing ultimately determines the people that 551 00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:30,719 Speaker 1: we find attractive, the people that we inevitably date or 552 00:35:30,880 --> 00:35:35,880 Speaker 1: form long term partnerships with. It's important to remember that 553 00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:41,680 Speaker 1: the first example of a romantic relationship and cohabitation that 554 00:35:41,760 --> 00:35:46,040 Speaker 1: a children that a child will often see is that 555 00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:48,680 Speaker 1: of their parents or the couple that they live with. 556 00:35:49,239 --> 00:35:53,440 Speaker 1: This is a really crucial way that our environment as 557 00:35:53,440 --> 00:35:57,360 Speaker 1: a child and our parenting and upbringing environment will have 558 00:35:57,440 --> 00:36:02,399 Speaker 1: a major influence on some really important life decisions. What 559 00:36:02,480 --> 00:36:07,400 Speaker 1: we see will affect what we expect from our own relationships, 560 00:36:07,560 --> 00:36:12,480 Speaker 1: and it can influence our actions years down the line, 561 00:36:12,600 --> 00:36:16,760 Speaker 1: ages into the future. Because our experiences in our upbringing, 562 00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:21,400 Speaker 1: what we observe, what we expect, is going to influence 563 00:36:21,440 --> 00:36:24,560 Speaker 1: how we perceive romantic love and choose a partner. So 564 00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:27,120 Speaker 1: there are two theories around the impact of our parents 565 00:36:27,200 --> 00:36:29,560 Speaker 1: on the partners we choose. The first is that we 566 00:36:29,600 --> 00:36:34,880 Speaker 1: tend to choose partners and relationships that satisfy something we 567 00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:38,480 Speaker 1: didn't have as a child, which sounds like a good thing, right, 568 00:36:38,680 --> 00:36:41,319 Speaker 1: you know, when we're able to recognize, you know, like 569 00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:44,400 Speaker 1: I didn't have security and consistency as a child because 570 00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:48,080 Speaker 1: my parent was uninvolved or neglectful, we'll seek out a 571 00:36:48,120 --> 00:36:51,520 Speaker 1: partner that treats us that way. But often when what 572 00:36:51,719 --> 00:36:56,560 Speaker 1: sometimes psy psychologists and therapist see is when someone obtains that, 573 00:36:56,680 --> 00:36:58,840 Speaker 1: it's really hard for them to let that go, and 574 00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:02,600 Speaker 1: they can become hyper dependent on that person because they've 575 00:37:02,680 --> 00:37:06,120 Speaker 1: kind of given them everything they never had. The other 576 00:37:06,320 --> 00:37:09,760 Speaker 1: kind of theory is that we choose partners that mimic 577 00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:13,680 Speaker 1: the relationships that we have with our caregivers. So if 578 00:37:13,680 --> 00:37:16,640 Speaker 1: we had a narcissistic parent who we always had to impress, 579 00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:21,160 Speaker 1: whose love was conditional on our successes and our accolades 580 00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:25,560 Speaker 1: and the compliments and admiration we had for them, if 581 00:37:25,600 --> 00:37:27,799 Speaker 1: we have parents who required a lot of praise and 582 00:37:27,920 --> 00:37:31,400 Speaker 1: didn't have much empathy for our feelings, this might be 583 00:37:31,480 --> 00:37:35,560 Speaker 1: what we seek in a romantic partner, and the toxic 584 00:37:35,600 --> 00:37:39,279 Speaker 1: relationship that we have with our parents evolves into a 585 00:37:39,360 --> 00:37:44,520 Speaker 1: toxic romantic relationship in adulthood. Obviously, this is not always 586 00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:47,080 Speaker 1: the case, and it also doesn't have to be. The 587 00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:51,720 Speaker 1: long term impacts of toxic and narcissistic family and parenting 588 00:37:51,840 --> 00:37:57,520 Speaker 1: environments can be mitigated and can be avoided. The parents 589 00:37:57,560 --> 00:38:00,680 Speaker 1: we have are not the only determinants of the lives 590 00:38:00,680 --> 00:38:02,680 Speaker 1: that we will lead. You know the saying go as 591 00:38:02,719 --> 00:38:06,600 Speaker 1: it takes a village, and that definitely applies in this situation. 592 00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:09,880 Speaker 1: The love we receive from other family members like a 593 00:38:09,960 --> 00:38:13,680 Speaker 1: grandparent or an aunt or an uncle, from our teachers, 594 00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:17,759 Speaker 1: from our mentors, from our friends, their support from our community, 595 00:38:17,800 --> 00:38:22,319 Speaker 1: the validation from activities beyond our families like school or 596 00:38:22,360 --> 00:38:25,719 Speaker 1: sports or church if you attend. All of these can 597 00:38:25,760 --> 00:38:29,680 Speaker 1: mitigate and protect us against the negative consequences of growing 598 00:38:29,760 --> 00:38:33,560 Speaker 1: up with the toxic or narcissistic parent. And we also 599 00:38:34,000 --> 00:38:38,239 Speaker 1: have a choice in many ways in determining the habits 600 00:38:38,400 --> 00:38:41,279 Speaker 1: and the decisions that can bring us comfort and can 601 00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:45,879 Speaker 1: allow us to heal. So I want to talk through 602 00:38:45,960 --> 00:38:50,400 Speaker 1: some things that you can do if you've experienced this 603 00:38:50,640 --> 00:38:54,400 Speaker 1: kind of upbringing or you've suffered through narcissistic parental abuse. 604 00:38:55,080 --> 00:38:58,759 Speaker 1: To overcome this situation to kind of move past the 605 00:38:58,840 --> 00:39:03,600 Speaker 1: experiences of your childhood. Firstly, it's important to mourn what 606 00:39:03,640 --> 00:39:08,360 Speaker 1: you didn't have. Sometimes we actually need to sit in 607 00:39:08,440 --> 00:39:12,880 Speaker 1: the grief and sit in the resentment and the emotion 608 00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:15,960 Speaker 1: that we have for a little while before we can 609 00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:20,279 Speaker 1: move forward. If we don't take time in early adulthood 610 00:39:20,800 --> 00:39:24,800 Speaker 1: to really recognize the feelings we have towards our parents, 611 00:39:24,800 --> 00:39:28,319 Speaker 1: the resentment, to blame, the guilt even sometimes that we have, 612 00:39:29,400 --> 00:39:33,120 Speaker 1: it just ends up being suppressed. And with suppression there's 613 00:39:33,120 --> 00:39:36,480 Speaker 1: a lack of recognition. You're not able to work on 614 00:39:36,520 --> 00:39:40,320 Speaker 1: something or fix something that you can't acknowledge or understand yourself. 615 00:39:40,440 --> 00:39:43,200 Speaker 1: So it is important to mourn what you didn't have. 616 00:39:43,280 --> 00:39:46,640 Speaker 1: It's important to sit with the grief of the what ifs, 617 00:39:46,760 --> 00:39:51,719 Speaker 1: the grief of the other possibilities, and hopefully kind of 618 00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:54,799 Speaker 1: come to terms with the fact that this happened. This 619 00:39:54,920 --> 00:39:57,959 Speaker 1: was your experience, But it doesn't mean that you can't 620 00:39:58,000 --> 00:40:01,680 Speaker 1: live a really happy and qualit city life. The other 621 00:40:01,960 --> 00:40:07,919 Speaker 1: just essential essential feature of moving towards a healthy relationship 622 00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:11,080 Speaker 1: with a parent who may have treated you this way. 623 00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:14,840 Speaker 1: If that's something you want is to set boundaries. You know, 624 00:40:14,880 --> 00:40:18,279 Speaker 1: you might benefit from some distance between you and a 625 00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:23,480 Speaker 1: narcissistic or toxic parent. You might want to ensure that 626 00:40:23,520 --> 00:40:26,759 Speaker 1: you establish your nonnegotiables. You know, if your parent is 627 00:40:26,800 --> 00:40:30,279 Speaker 1: constantly picking on your saying things that make you uncomfortable. 628 00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:33,440 Speaker 1: You're an adult, you know, as part of it as 629 00:40:33,480 --> 00:40:35,759 Speaker 1: it is because of that controlling environment they may have 630 00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:38,759 Speaker 1: built when you're a child. You don't have to put 631 00:40:38,840 --> 00:40:41,440 Speaker 1: up with that. You don't have to depend on them 632 00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:46,000 Speaker 1: anymore for their support. So set up non negotiables. Things 633 00:40:46,040 --> 00:40:48,839 Speaker 1: that you won't tolerate from your family. You know, maybe 634 00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:52,719 Speaker 1: you won't tolerate them showing up unexpectedly or visiting you, 635 00:40:52,880 --> 00:40:57,440 Speaker 1: or making unsolicited comments or judgments about your life choices. 636 00:40:58,160 --> 00:41:00,680 Speaker 1: You can also ask that they don't have input into 637 00:41:00,680 --> 00:41:03,880 Speaker 1: your life choices that you know there's Sometimes they are 638 00:41:03,920 --> 00:41:07,160 Speaker 1: these crossroads right where we can choose whether we want 639 00:41:07,320 --> 00:41:11,120 Speaker 1: to borrow further into familial and parental control or forge 640 00:41:11,160 --> 00:41:14,960 Speaker 1: your own path. Often a narcissistic parent might attempt to 641 00:41:15,040 --> 00:41:18,560 Speaker 1: kind of keep us in their control and complying through 642 00:41:18,760 --> 00:41:23,239 Speaker 1: financial support and financial assistance. Through gifts through manipulation and 643 00:41:23,360 --> 00:41:27,120 Speaker 1: gas lighting. So do some of that work with a 644 00:41:27,200 --> 00:41:31,120 Speaker 1: therapist or a professional to identify what habits and what 645 00:41:31,280 --> 00:41:36,000 Speaker 1: patterns of behavior your parent often does to get you 646 00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:38,680 Speaker 1: back in, to bring you back into the fold, and 647 00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:41,239 Speaker 1: write them down, make sure you recognize them and you 648 00:41:41,320 --> 00:41:44,879 Speaker 1: identify what it is about those behaviors that A makes 649 00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:48,560 Speaker 1: you uncomfortable, that B is quite manipulative, and which C 650 00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:51,239 Speaker 1: can be avoided, in which you can set up boundaries 651 00:41:51,239 --> 00:41:54,640 Speaker 1: to prevent from happening, because you do have to, essentially, 652 00:41:54,719 --> 00:41:57,640 Speaker 1: and as hard as hard as it is, take some 653 00:41:57,719 --> 00:42:01,719 Speaker 1: kind of ownership to protect your own peace. The other 654 00:42:01,760 --> 00:42:05,279 Speaker 1: thing we've talked about here that definitely needs addressing is 655 00:42:05,360 --> 00:42:09,719 Speaker 1: the role of generational trauma that goes back decades and 656 00:42:09,800 --> 00:42:14,560 Speaker 1: centuries and generations in kind of determining how a parent 657 00:42:14,680 --> 00:42:17,960 Speaker 1: chooses to raise their child. It often doesn't even choose 658 00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:21,200 Speaker 1: to raise their child. It's something that's unconscious, right. They 659 00:42:21,200 --> 00:42:25,440 Speaker 1: don't necessarily choose to harm the children they bring into 660 00:42:25,480 --> 00:42:27,799 Speaker 1: the world. They don't choose to be narcissistic, they don't 661 00:42:27,880 --> 00:42:32,799 Speaker 1: choose to be neglectful or uninvolved. So sometimes we owe 662 00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:37,080 Speaker 1: it to ourselves to you know, work on ending the 663 00:42:37,120 --> 00:42:42,200 Speaker 1: cycle of intergenerational trauma and intergenerational habits and learning. Even 664 00:42:42,239 --> 00:42:44,680 Speaker 1: if we don't plan on having kids ourselves, you know, 665 00:42:44,680 --> 00:42:48,160 Speaker 1: the relationship we have with our caregivers, with our family, 666 00:42:48,200 --> 00:42:54,279 Speaker 1: with our parents impacts all other relationships, especially those we 667 00:42:54,360 --> 00:42:56,879 Speaker 1: may have with our own kids. And if you don't 668 00:42:56,920 --> 00:42:59,000 Speaker 1: have you know, if you don't plan on having kids 669 00:42:59,000 --> 00:43:01,160 Speaker 1: in the future, the people that we choose to nurture 670 00:43:01,200 --> 00:43:04,440 Speaker 1: and bring into our lives. So I think it's important 671 00:43:04,520 --> 00:43:08,080 Speaker 1: that once you've identified that this is a cycle that 672 00:43:08,239 --> 00:43:11,920 Speaker 1: you know you've kind of been brought into, you somewhat 673 00:43:11,960 --> 00:43:14,279 Speaker 1: have a duty to put a stop to it and 674 00:43:14,360 --> 00:43:18,040 Speaker 1: to address the trauma and the significant things that have 675 00:43:18,080 --> 00:43:20,400 Speaker 1: happened in your past that your parents and your care 676 00:43:20,480 --> 00:43:23,759 Speaker 1: givers may not have had the bandwidth, or the resources 677 00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:26,960 Speaker 1: or the energy to deal with. I think it's important 678 00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:29,600 Speaker 1: that if you've gone through this experience, if you can 679 00:43:29,800 --> 00:43:33,759 Speaker 1: identify or relate to anything we've talked about today, you 680 00:43:33,880 --> 00:43:37,280 Speaker 1: discuss that the impact of that with people that you trust, 681 00:43:38,160 --> 00:43:42,040 Speaker 1: people that love you, and you identify and relate to 682 00:43:42,120 --> 00:43:45,479 Speaker 1: what you're in a child your younger self missed out 683 00:43:45,520 --> 00:43:48,520 Speaker 1: on or would have wanted from a parent and emulate 684 00:43:48,600 --> 00:43:51,680 Speaker 1: that and how you treat the people you care about, 685 00:43:51,719 --> 00:43:54,040 Speaker 1: how you treat the peach the people that you nurture 686 00:43:54,080 --> 00:43:59,400 Speaker 1: in your life, create an environment, and create relationships that 687 00:43:59,560 --> 00:44:03,080 Speaker 1: make you feel safe. You know, it's all about you. Now. 688 00:44:03,120 --> 00:44:06,040 Speaker 1: You are allowed to be selfish, and you're allowed to 689 00:44:06,080 --> 00:44:09,280 Speaker 1: put yourself first, even if your parents and your family 690 00:44:09,800 --> 00:44:12,880 Speaker 1: don't see it that way. And talk to a professional 691 00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:16,200 Speaker 1: who can give you advice and address and give the 692 00:44:16,280 --> 00:44:22,400 Speaker 1: long term psychological and emotional harms or insecurities that this 693 00:44:22,600 --> 00:44:30,759 Speaker 1: upbringing may have caused. Finally, it might sound controversial, but 694 00:44:30,840 --> 00:44:35,759 Speaker 1: it's important, I think to forgive now. I know in 695 00:44:35,760 --> 00:44:39,399 Speaker 1: instances of abuse that is a lot easier said than done, 696 00:44:40,239 --> 00:44:42,080 Speaker 1: and you don't always have to do that. You know, 697 00:44:42,160 --> 00:44:45,640 Speaker 1: if this is not something for you, if you don't 698 00:44:45,640 --> 00:44:47,520 Speaker 1: think you can forgive, if it's going to take too 699 00:44:47,600 --> 00:44:50,560 Speaker 1: much mental energy, that is totally fine. You're allowed to 700 00:44:50,560 --> 00:44:53,680 Speaker 1: be selfish and you're allowed to choose what you want 701 00:44:53,680 --> 00:44:55,520 Speaker 1: to do with your life and make the decisions that 702 00:44:55,520 --> 00:45:00,200 Speaker 1: are most appropriate for you. But I think remember that 703 00:45:00,280 --> 00:45:03,960 Speaker 1: you're not forgiving your parents or these people as a 704 00:45:04,000 --> 00:45:07,239 Speaker 1: favor or an act of kindness to them or so 705 00:45:07,400 --> 00:45:10,680 Speaker 1: that they can live their lives guilt free. You're forgiving 706 00:45:10,680 --> 00:45:14,120 Speaker 1: these people for yourself so that you can be released 707 00:45:14,200 --> 00:45:19,360 Speaker 1: from a cycle of shame and trauma and move forward 708 00:45:19,400 --> 00:45:24,200 Speaker 1: without as much resentment and emotional baggage. So forgive, but 709 00:45:24,320 --> 00:45:28,680 Speaker 1: don't forget. If you related to any of this today, 710 00:45:29,480 --> 00:45:31,399 Speaker 1: I don't want to say I'm sorry, because I don't 711 00:45:31,400 --> 00:45:34,920 Speaker 1: want to make you feel like you're being pitied, But 712 00:45:34,960 --> 00:45:37,480 Speaker 1: I do want to say you're incredibly strong, and I'm 713 00:45:37,480 --> 00:45:40,840 Speaker 1: proud of you for listening to this episode and getting 714 00:45:40,880 --> 00:45:43,880 Speaker 1: to know more about some of the psychology behind Why 715 00:45:44,040 --> 00:45:46,600 Speaker 1: are you know if you've had a narcissistic or a 716 00:45:46,600 --> 00:45:50,080 Speaker 1: toxic parent, why they may have acted this way, why 717 00:45:50,120 --> 00:45:53,040 Speaker 1: their behavior may have been this way. And I think 718 00:45:53,040 --> 00:45:56,600 Speaker 1: it's important knowledge and an important kind of understanding to 719 00:45:56,719 --> 00:46:00,960 Speaker 1: bring into the holiday season as we feel Russia to 720 00:46:01,000 --> 00:46:05,000 Speaker 1: see our families, to reconnect, to spend time with them. 721 00:46:05,239 --> 00:46:08,279 Speaker 1: And if you've gone through the process of establishing boundaries 722 00:46:09,719 --> 00:46:12,640 Speaker 1: for the right reasons and for reasons that you think 723 00:46:12,680 --> 00:46:14,840 Speaker 1: are fair, make sure you stick to them right like 724 00:46:15,640 --> 00:46:19,560 Speaker 1: these parents and these people, as we've described, have many 725 00:46:19,640 --> 00:46:22,560 Speaker 1: ways of leveraging their role as our parents and their 726 00:46:22,680 --> 00:46:25,319 Speaker 1: role as kind of the mature superior person and the 727 00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:29,200 Speaker 1: relationship to their advantage. So I think it's an important 728 00:46:29,200 --> 00:46:31,520 Speaker 1: reminder around the holiday season that you're allowed to be 729 00:46:31,560 --> 00:46:34,120 Speaker 1: selfish and do what's best for you if you've found 730 00:46:34,120 --> 00:46:38,200 Speaker 1: yourself in this environment. I also want to say thank 731 00:46:38,200 --> 00:46:41,440 Speaker 1: you so much for listening. If you're still here, if 732 00:46:41,440 --> 00:46:44,000 Speaker 1: you're still with me, thank you for supporting the show. 733 00:46:44,160 --> 00:46:47,319 Speaker 1: Thank you for listening to another episode. It was so 734 00:46:47,400 --> 00:46:49,600 Speaker 1: great to have you along for the ride to learn 735 00:46:49,640 --> 00:46:53,880 Speaker 1: some more about this concept and experience and these feelings 736 00:46:53,880 --> 00:46:58,000 Speaker 1: and realizations that we have in our twenties. If you 737 00:46:58,080 --> 00:47:01,840 Speaker 1: feel called to do so, or if the episode benefited 738 00:47:01,840 --> 00:47:04,120 Speaker 1: you in any way, please feel free to leave a 739 00:47:04,120 --> 00:47:08,680 Speaker 1: five star review on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, wherever you're listening 740 00:47:08,760 --> 00:47:11,560 Speaker 1: right now. It really helps the show to grow and 741 00:47:11,600 --> 00:47:15,920 Speaker 1: to reach new people. And thank you, thank you again. 742 00:47:15,960 --> 00:47:18,960 Speaker 1: I feel so blessed to have people who want to 743 00:47:18,960 --> 00:47:21,160 Speaker 1: listen to this content and want to hear about these topics. 744 00:47:21,200 --> 00:47:23,919 Speaker 1: I think they are so important and so fascinating. So 745 00:47:24,400 --> 00:47:27,120 Speaker 1: thank you for coming on board for the ride, and 746 00:47:27,280 --> 00:47:29,880 Speaker 1: I will see you next week for another episode of 747 00:47:30,040 --> 00:47:32,400 Speaker 1: the Psychology of Your twenties,