1 00:00:02,279 --> 00:00:05,280 Speaker 1: Hey, guys, welcome to Tommy Talk, and today we're talking 2 00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:09,319 Speaker 1: about when you should give a friend some space. So 3 00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:13,560 Speaker 1: this is a tricky one because everybody requires something different 4 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:16,560 Speaker 1: in a friendship, right, And I'll speak from my own 5 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:20,320 Speaker 1: experience as a friend. For someone I love, I want 6 00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:22,520 Speaker 1: them to know I'm always there for them and I 7 00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:25,439 Speaker 1: will do anything in my power to make them feel 8 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:28,280 Speaker 1: better if they're upset, or to show them that I'm 9 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:30,120 Speaker 1: their ride or die. That's just who I am. As 10 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,400 Speaker 1: you know, I'm an Italian from Jersey. Loyalty is huge 11 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:35,080 Speaker 1: for me, and I really want the people in my 12 00:00:35,159 --> 00:00:37,400 Speaker 1: life to know that they are loved and cared for 13 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:40,520 Speaker 1: and that I will be here for you in any 14 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:44,520 Speaker 1: way I can. But I've often had to learn, over 15 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:46,880 Speaker 1: the course of my life and of over the course 16 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:51,519 Speaker 1: of friendships, that people require different things and not everybody 17 00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:54,040 Speaker 1: always wants you checking in on them all the time 18 00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:59,720 Speaker 1: or following up or asking questions. And I'm the opposite, Like, 19 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:01,720 Speaker 1: I don't don't care. You can ask me a million questions, 20 00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:03,560 Speaker 1: you can check in with me a million times a day, 21 00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:06,200 Speaker 1: Like I like that. I respond to that. I guess 22 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,440 Speaker 1: it's one of my love languages. I don't get offended 23 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:11,720 Speaker 1: or annoyed by it. I very rarely feel smothered or 24 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:14,480 Speaker 1: bothered by that. But there are people very close to 25 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:18,880 Speaker 1: who do have different needs and who do require different things. 26 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:22,400 Speaker 1: So when should you set a boundary with a friend 27 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:26,720 Speaker 1: or kind of back off or give a friend space 28 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:29,520 Speaker 1: in a way that doesn't hurt your relationship or your 29 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:31,760 Speaker 1: friendship or doesn't make them feel like you don't care, 30 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:36,039 Speaker 1: but makes you feel like they're being heard and listen to. 31 00:01:36,319 --> 00:01:39,240 Speaker 1: So there's a few things that I kind of tend 32 00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:41,240 Speaker 1: to follow as a rule, and I've learned this. I'm 33 00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:44,240 Speaker 1: not perfect, and sometimes I have, you know, been told 34 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:47,640 Speaker 1: stop checking in or enough, like I love you, but 35 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:51,000 Speaker 1: like this is enough, because again, the inclination when someone's 36 00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:54,040 Speaker 1: hurting or upset is to check in. But a great example, 37 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:55,680 Speaker 1: and I think a lot of people can relate to this, 38 00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:57,560 Speaker 1: is if you have a friend who's going through a breakup. 39 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:02,040 Speaker 1: You know, I've had a few friends recently go through that, 40 00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:07,000 Speaker 1: And when you see someone so devastated and telling you 41 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:10,680 Speaker 1: that they've broken down, crying repeatedly over the loss of 42 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:14,040 Speaker 1: their relationship, you want to constantly ask, how are you? 43 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:17,560 Speaker 1: Are you okay? What can I do? How is today? 44 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:19,960 Speaker 1: You know tomorrow roll's around? How are you today? The 45 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:21,799 Speaker 1: next day? How are you today? Because you just want 46 00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:24,240 Speaker 1: to make sure they're okay. Now, I do think some 47 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:27,120 Speaker 1: people ask questions like that in a gossipy kind of way, 48 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:30,000 Speaker 1: and they don't always have your best interests. But you 49 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:32,280 Speaker 1: know who those people are. You know who's asking for 50 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:34,919 Speaker 1: the real reasons and who are or who isn't right. 51 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,840 Speaker 1: There may be are coworkers or colleagues who know you're 52 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:41,480 Speaker 1: going through a breakup and they're constantly trying to talk 53 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:43,800 Speaker 1: to you about it. I don't know if that's always 54 00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:46,880 Speaker 1: for the right reason. So I understand wanting to put 55 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:48,880 Speaker 1: up a guard. I totally do. It's happened to me 56 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:50,679 Speaker 1: with private things I've gone through where I feel like 57 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:52,880 Speaker 1: certain people are asking just to get the tea and 58 00:02:52,919 --> 00:02:55,000 Speaker 1: I'm like, ah, this doesn't feel like you really care. 59 00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:57,839 Speaker 1: But when you're a true friend to someone, you do care. 60 00:02:57,880 --> 00:03:00,000 Speaker 1: But that still doesn't mean you want them asking you 61 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:04,079 Speaker 1: all the time questions. So I one of my best 62 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:07,000 Speaker 1: friends was going through a breakup, and in the beginning 63 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:09,320 Speaker 1: I found myself asking a lot of questions. And then 64 00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:12,120 Speaker 1: I realized when they have something to share with me, 65 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:15,640 Speaker 1: they will. They will because they'll want to talk about it. 66 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:17,880 Speaker 1: I don't have to always pry information out of them. 67 00:03:17,919 --> 00:03:20,480 Speaker 1: I don't have to be the person reminding them of 68 00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:23,280 Speaker 1: this breakup when maybe they woke up on a certain 69 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:25,960 Speaker 1: day not thinking about it for the first time in 70 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:28,320 Speaker 1: ten days. What am I suddenly going to be like, Hey, 71 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:30,160 Speaker 1: how are you feeling after the breakup? Maybe it was 72 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:32,800 Speaker 1: their first good day. So I think that you can't 73 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:35,360 Speaker 1: take it personal and have to realize whatever somebody is 74 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:38,880 Speaker 1: going through in their own life, in this case related 75 00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:42,640 Speaker 1: to a breakup, that's their journey and it's not about 76 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:45,480 Speaker 1: wanting to fill you in every step of the way. 77 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:47,600 Speaker 1: They'll do that when they want to. And as a 78 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:50,240 Speaker 1: friend or as someone who's close to that person, you 79 00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:53,600 Speaker 1: have to understand it's not them pulling away from you, 80 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:56,720 Speaker 1: or them being rude or them mad at you. It's 81 00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:58,760 Speaker 1: not about you. It's not about you at all. It's 82 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:02,600 Speaker 1: about them. So check in gently with somebody in that circumstance, 83 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,120 Speaker 1: but then kind of back off. And I think that 84 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:07,960 Speaker 1: breakup examples kind of how I've learned to live my 85 00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:11,640 Speaker 1: life with anything, with anything monumental that happens in someone's 86 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:14,800 Speaker 1: life if you lose someone that you love, which happened 87 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:17,279 Speaker 1: to me in a very big way over the last year, 88 00:04:17,279 --> 00:04:19,000 Speaker 1: and a lot of people listening know that I've talked 89 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:22,080 Speaker 1: about grief quite a bit. I don't want to always 90 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:24,400 Speaker 1: be asked about it, Like, if I want to talk 91 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:26,920 Speaker 1: about it, I'll talk about it, but I don't need 92 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,880 Speaker 1: to be asked about it every single day because it 93 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,440 Speaker 1: just puts me in this kind of negative space where 94 00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:36,080 Speaker 1: I'm being forced to be sad. It's a fine line 95 00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:38,440 Speaker 1: because I do want the people I love to every 96 00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:42,760 Speaker 1: once in a while check in, especially when something so fresh, 97 00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:45,359 Speaker 1: but I don't need someone to do it all the time. 98 00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:49,000 Speaker 1: So it's figuring out, setting boundaries, learning what works for 99 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,200 Speaker 1: you and what you need. And there's no way for 100 00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:54,120 Speaker 1: people to read your mind and know that unless you 101 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:57,520 Speaker 1: talk to them about that, right. I like the check in. 102 00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:00,000 Speaker 1: So it's communicating also with the people in your life, 103 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:03,640 Speaker 1: whether it's a friend, whether it's a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, whoever, 104 00:05:03,839 --> 00:05:07,520 Speaker 1: saying Yo, this is what I require. We don't need 105 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:09,320 Speaker 1: to keep talking about this, but just so you know, 106 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,680 Speaker 1: going forward, like I need X, Y and Z to 107 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:15,000 Speaker 1: feel like I'm being seen in this friendship or relationship, 108 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:17,440 Speaker 1: or whatever the case may be. I think people are 109 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:19,839 Speaker 1: afraid to say that. They're afraid to communicate for whatever reason. 110 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:24,080 Speaker 1: I don't know why, I wish. I'm not a psychologist, 111 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,560 Speaker 1: but I think it's sometimes awkward to tell someone how 112 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:31,320 Speaker 1: you really feel, and I respect that. My best friend, 113 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:34,599 Speaker 1: who did go through that breakup, tells me like, I 114 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:37,360 Speaker 1: don't want people always asking me about it. I hear 115 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,080 Speaker 1: you cool, got it. I'm not going to do that. 116 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:42,200 Speaker 1: I might do it if you haven't talked about it 117 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:45,359 Speaker 1: for like four months, just to check in once, but 118 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:49,360 Speaker 1: then I'm good. So boundaries we forget to set in 119 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:53,480 Speaker 1: these friendships and even these relationships because we always expect 120 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:56,480 Speaker 1: the other person to automatically know what we need or want. 121 00:05:57,279 --> 00:06:00,919 Speaker 1: I've certainly done that before. It feels sombatbarrasing to say that, 122 00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:04,520 Speaker 1: but nobody's a mind reader, Like you can't just guess 123 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:06,839 Speaker 1: what the other person needs or wants. I think that's 124 00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:14,680 Speaker 1: something that's very, very dangerous because it creates this animosity 125 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:17,360 Speaker 1: towards someone as if you are doing something wrong, and 126 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:19,599 Speaker 1: that's just not the case. That's not the case at all. 127 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,520 Speaker 1: I think boundaries with family are also really important. I 128 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:25,440 Speaker 1: know I started this off with friends, but a lot 129 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,480 Speaker 1: of family are friends, Like I have cousins who are 130 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:32,080 Speaker 1: best friends and you know aunts who I consider friends 131 00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:34,400 Speaker 1: more than family because I tell them things that I 132 00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:36,680 Speaker 1: feel like I would tell a best friend. So I 133 00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:42,279 Speaker 1: think that knowing when is the appropriate time to share 134 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:45,160 Speaker 1: something and when is not is also based on what 135 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:48,440 Speaker 1: you need. So assumptions, to me are the number one 136 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:51,520 Speaker 1: red flag in any relationship, any friendship that I see 137 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:56,640 Speaker 1: causing problems. You just can't assume somebody knows. And a 138 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:59,640 Speaker 1: really interesting story about this is I had a friend 139 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:05,800 Speaker 1: who who did know that something really hard was going 140 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:08,160 Speaker 1: on in my life, and I share this with them, 141 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:10,200 Speaker 1: and I share two things that were going on in 142 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:14,880 Speaker 1: my life at the time, and this friend didn't really 143 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:17,400 Speaker 1: acknowledge what I was saying in a way that made 144 00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:19,440 Speaker 1: me feel like they heard me or cared. It was 145 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:21,920 Speaker 1: kind of like, oh, I'm sorry, but like nothing else. 146 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:25,400 Speaker 1: And then never ever brought it up again, like never 147 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:27,800 Speaker 1: brought up either of the things I told them again. 148 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:31,200 Speaker 1: And I never really told this person a lot of 149 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:34,880 Speaker 1: personal things before our friendship was very social and at 150 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:39,160 Speaker 1: the time very based around getting together and partying and 151 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:41,600 Speaker 1: having drinks and that sort of thing. So like the 152 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:44,120 Speaker 1: one time I really did open up in a big way, 153 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:48,800 Speaker 1: I didn't get the reaction I wanted back, and in retrospect, 154 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:52,320 Speaker 1: I never addressed it and that was the start of 155 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:56,400 Speaker 1: a crumbling friendship for many reasons. But if that were 156 00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:59,240 Speaker 1: me today, I would have said to that person like, hey, 157 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:01,840 Speaker 1: I told you some really personal stuff. Why aren't we 158 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:04,200 Speaker 1: talking about it? Like why have you never asked me 159 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:07,920 Speaker 1: about it? The things I told you any normal person 160 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:11,000 Speaker 1: would have a reaction to. So it was also on me. 161 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:13,200 Speaker 1: As much as I don't want to admit it, because 162 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:16,120 Speaker 1: this person has done a lot of not so great things, 163 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:18,520 Speaker 1: it's very hard for me to admit it, it was 164 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:21,800 Speaker 1: also on me in that moment and the weeks after 165 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,240 Speaker 1: to not say something to that person, to not bring 166 00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:29,160 Speaker 1: it up. So you can, you can have expectations and 167 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:32,800 Speaker 1: have boundaries that you set with people, but you also 168 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:35,679 Speaker 1: have to be able to be on the receiving end 169 00:08:35,679 --> 00:08:37,960 Speaker 1: of that and realize, Okay, I'm either doing it or 170 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,120 Speaker 1: not doing it to the way that makes somebody feel 171 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,679 Speaker 1: like they understand or get me. So it's a two 172 00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:44,760 Speaker 1: way street. It's a two way street. It's a very 173 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:49,760 Speaker 1: complicated issue. Boundaries, I feel like appear less and less 174 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:53,920 Speaker 1: with the rise of phones and social media and tech. 175 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:57,120 Speaker 1: I think it's very easy to lose that human to 176 00:08:57,240 --> 00:09:00,040 Speaker 1: human connection and interaction. And you say something flippantly on 177 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,559 Speaker 1: a text message or in a phone call or in 178 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:04,840 Speaker 1: a voice memo, and it should be a moment that's 179 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:07,320 Speaker 1: for in person. So I think that's also a big 180 00:09:07,559 --> 00:09:10,240 Speaker 1: piece of the pie that we are navigating. It's like 181 00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:13,400 Speaker 1: how to maintain those real human connections in this ever 182 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:16,720 Speaker 1: evolving and ever changing landscape of social media and tech. 183 00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:18,800 Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, you have to 184 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:22,560 Speaker 1: tell a friend where you stand with them, and you 185 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,680 Speaker 1: have to tell a friend what your needs are, what 186 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:27,679 Speaker 1: works for you, what doesn't work for you, or you 187 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:30,880 Speaker 1: can't get matter upset with them. So communication is key 188 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:33,440 Speaker 1: in any relationship and any friendship. And this is just 189 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:35,439 Speaker 1: a reminder that if you're feeling like you're going through 190 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:38,320 Speaker 1: a tough time with someone you love, don't throw in 191 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:41,160 Speaker 1: the towel. Just talk to them. Just have a human 192 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:44,199 Speaker 1: to human conversation, not on a phone, not via text, 193 00:09:44,559 --> 00:09:46,680 Speaker 1: meet them in person, have a meal, have a coffee 194 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:50,839 Speaker 1: and actually talk to them is the biggest piece of 195 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:54,439 Speaker 1: advice I can give for as we embrace relationships and 196 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:57,880 Speaker 1: friendships going to this year. So here's to good old 197 00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:01,960 Speaker 1: fashioned human to human connection and hoping that you and 198 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:07,280 Speaker 1: your friendships and relationships continue to flourish and blossom. I've 199 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:10,600 Speaker 1: Never Said This Before is hosted by Me Tommy Dedario. 200 00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:15,559 Speaker 1: This podcast is executive produced by Andrew Piglisi at iHeartRadio 201 00:10:15,679 --> 00:10:20,000 Speaker 1: and by Me Tommy, with editing by Joshua Colaudney. I've 202 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:22,480 Speaker 1: Never Said This Before is part of the Elvis Durant 203 00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:26,760 Speaker 1: podcast Network on iHeart Podcasts. For more, rate review and 204 00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:29,800 Speaker 1: subscribe to our show and if you liked this episode, 205 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:33,360 Speaker 1: tell your friends. Until next time, I'm Tommy de Dario.