1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,160 Speaker 1: This is Kelly Henderson and you are listening to the 2 00:00:02,240 --> 00:00:06,000 Speaker 1: Velvet Edge podcast. My guest this week is bat Simkin. 3 00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:10,000 Speaker 1: Beet is a world renowned meditation leader, dubbed the David 4 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:14,760 Speaker 1: Bowie of meditation. As a musician, beat combines the world 5 00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:20,040 Speaker 1: of pop culture and spirituality, teaching practical applications of ancient 6 00:00:20,239 --> 00:00:24,160 Speaker 1: spiritual wisdom. The teachings are all featured in Batt's best 7 00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:26,880 Speaker 1: selling book, Don't Just Sit There, as well as her 8 00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:31,240 Speaker 1: countless workshops that have helped thousands. However, her journey has 9 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:35,320 Speaker 1: not always been easy. Batte has lost almost her entire family, 10 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:38,639 Speaker 1: including a four month old daughter, two sids. She has 11 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:41,239 Speaker 1: had a record deal and lost a record deal, as 12 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:44,239 Speaker 1: well as battling back from a heroin and cocaine addiction. 13 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:46,880 Speaker 1: She told me her story of love and loss, how 14 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:50,440 Speaker 1: she navigates grief daily, and how she opened her heart 15 00:00:50,479 --> 00:00:53,159 Speaker 1: back up to find and give the most love she 16 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:57,520 Speaker 1: has ever experienced in her journey of enlightenment. Here's our conversation. 17 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,600 Speaker 1: So I was just kind of I see that I 18 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:03,920 Speaker 1: want to tell the part of your story, um, just 19 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:06,640 Speaker 1: where you started, because I think that's such an important 20 00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:08,520 Speaker 1: part of how you got to the place you are now. 21 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:12,319 Speaker 1: I have not met one deeply spiritual person who has 22 00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:16,920 Speaker 1: not struggled immensely or faced, you know, some major trials 23 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:19,280 Speaker 1: in their life to get to where they got now. 24 00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:22,320 Speaker 1: So can we go back and maybe just talk through 25 00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:25,520 Speaker 1: um your story and where you started. I know you 26 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:27,640 Speaker 1: grew up with a father who was a shaman, and 27 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:32,160 Speaker 1: I'm fascinated by that. So what was that like? What 28 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:34,520 Speaker 1: was your experience like as a child. You know it 29 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:37,360 Speaker 1: was it was mixed in the sense that my father 30 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:40,240 Speaker 1: was misawakened shaman. So it's kind of like growing up 31 00:01:40,319 --> 00:01:44,200 Speaker 1: with a cart tootle in your house and you're only parents. 32 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:47,400 Speaker 1: Because as I was growing up, we you know, my 33 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,920 Speaker 1: whole family started passing away, starting with my mom, who 34 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,880 Speaker 1: died when I was six. And I mean, for anyone 35 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:56,560 Speaker 1: who's listening, losing a parent is like at the age 36 00:01:56,600 --> 00:02:00,000 Speaker 1: of six is total insanity. And I can't I can't 37 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:02,760 Speaker 1: and imagine it now. But I've lived a whole life 38 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:05,720 Speaker 1: where I kind of was like I'm fine, I'm fine, 39 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:07,600 Speaker 1: and I'm very rock and roll. You know, I got 40 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:11,079 Speaker 1: signed to Sony It eighteen, so I wear leather jackets 41 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:14,320 Speaker 1: and I just have this whole like f you attitude 42 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:16,960 Speaker 1: about reality. So I don't think it hit me for 43 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:18,760 Speaker 1: a very long time that I had lost my mom 44 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:20,600 Speaker 1: at the age of six, because I was so busy 45 00:02:20,639 --> 00:02:25,440 Speaker 1: being fine. But um, but she died, and then my 46 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:27,960 Speaker 1: grandma died two weeks later, her mom. And it's not 47 00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:31,200 Speaker 1: like I'm Russian, first generation Russian jewo and so like 48 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:34,359 Speaker 1: we weren't like Grandma's weren't in Florida, like our grandma's 49 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:37,120 Speaker 1: were like across the street and another you know, cracked 50 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:40,200 Speaker 1: out part of Queen's like across the street. So they great, 51 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,839 Speaker 1: they raised us, and so they just all died while 52 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:44,920 Speaker 1: I was growing up. And what I was left with 53 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:49,520 Speaker 1: was this shaman father who was like everything was about enlightenment. 54 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:51,120 Speaker 1: Like I'd be like, Dad, I don't like the kids 55 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,400 Speaker 1: at school, and he'd be like, but these better really 56 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:55,959 Speaker 1: children or is it a matrix? You know, like he 57 00:02:56,000 --> 00:03:00,239 Speaker 1: would just he took it there all the time, and 58 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:03,240 Speaker 1: it was really relieving, and I think, like my whole life, 59 00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:06,440 Speaker 1: I worshiped him and I really felt like I was 60 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:11,280 Speaker 1: so blessed to have this crazy, you know, radical life. Um. 61 00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:14,160 Speaker 1: But it was after I got sober, which was twelve 62 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:17,840 Speaker 1: years ago that I really had to confront how incredibly 63 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:23,360 Speaker 1: unstable and wild my childhood was and how unusual it was. 64 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:25,280 Speaker 1: Like I had always prided myself on it because I 65 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:28,520 Speaker 1: was in that leather jacket moment, right yeah, And so 66 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:31,440 Speaker 1: now it's more like, oh, wow, that was fucked up, 67 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:34,760 Speaker 1: Like that's a crazy way to grow up, you know, right, Well, 68 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:36,880 Speaker 1: I think when I was reading that was exactly my 69 00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:40,200 Speaker 1: thought process, because I hear you when you say, you know, 70 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:42,600 Speaker 1: it was super cool and it was so refreshing. But 71 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:45,200 Speaker 1: I think of myself as a child, and especially when 72 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:48,760 Speaker 1: you're processing through major feelings, like I can imagine losing 73 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:53,320 Speaker 1: your mom at six, but just bring up incredible feelings 74 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,560 Speaker 1: that you didn't even know how to address. And so 75 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:58,640 Speaker 1: when your dad is like, oh, but is this about 76 00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:01,400 Speaker 1: the matrix, like to me, almost wonder if that would 77 00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:03,440 Speaker 1: piss me off? Do you know what I mean? Like 78 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,360 Speaker 1: not really knowing where to direct all of the feelings 79 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:08,800 Speaker 1: that I was feeling. Oh, I just shut them off. 80 00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:13,000 Speaker 1: I didn't. I stopped feeling pretty like I turned into 81 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:16,840 Speaker 1: like a full on um you know, like I'm an artist, 82 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:19,440 Speaker 1: and so like, obviously I know how to feel because 83 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:22,279 Speaker 1: if anyone who makes music or paintings, you know, and 84 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:26,000 Speaker 1: I make music like you just you. You're someone who 85 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:29,240 Speaker 1: processes feelings through your body or like a conduit. But 86 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:32,400 Speaker 1: when it came to just feeling feeling, like crying or 87 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:35,680 Speaker 1: like feeling sad or being angry, that was like not 88 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:39,120 Speaker 1: on the plate, off the menu. No, I was well. 89 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:42,520 Speaker 1: I cried sometimes, but overall, like I was kind of like, 90 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:45,880 Speaker 1: zip it up, pull it together, keep moving, you know, 91 00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:49,039 Speaker 1: because this is real. And I was always you know, 92 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,000 Speaker 1: I have the gift. Like a lot of people learn 93 00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:53,359 Speaker 1: what I learned as a child at the age of 94 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,799 Speaker 1: forty or whatever when they have like a midlife crisis, 95 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:57,560 Speaker 1: like and they're like, what's the meaning of it all? 96 00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:59,440 Speaker 1: I'm gonna die one day. I already did all that. 97 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:04,560 Speaker 1: I'm good figuring out the other stuff in my thirties, 98 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,040 Speaker 1: like how to build a business, how to become wealthy, 99 00:05:07,279 --> 00:05:10,360 Speaker 1: how to like, you know, fucking straighten my hair, Like 100 00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:14,080 Speaker 1: I just learned that ship way later. So you were 101 00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:16,320 Speaker 1: spiritually ahead of all of us and maybe learning some 102 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:20,719 Speaker 1: of the basic life skills. Now, yes, yes, interesting, it's 103 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:24,320 Speaker 1: so crazy. So you've mentioned getting sober twelve years ago. 104 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:26,880 Speaker 1: Do you feel like the stuffing of the emotions that 105 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:29,880 Speaker 1: you keep mentioning was a piece of what led you 106 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:34,279 Speaker 1: into drug addiction, I believe, so yeah. I mean it's 107 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:37,640 Speaker 1: lots of trauma, and I'm also like a wild seeker, 108 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:40,760 Speaker 1: and I think a lot of people listening can probably 109 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:43,520 Speaker 1: relate to this, like this yearning, like you know something's 110 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:45,560 Speaker 1: missing and you're like willing to go to any lengths 111 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:48,480 Speaker 1: to find it. I was like that, except I wasn't 112 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:51,040 Speaker 1: really willing to do the work. I was very very 113 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:54,880 Speaker 1: lazy and also very afraid. And that combo of lazy 114 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:57,359 Speaker 1: and afraid, it's like, if you're lazy and afraid but 115 00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:00,640 Speaker 1: super willing to find the meaning of life, guess what 116 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:04,080 Speaker 1: you're gonna do? Like drugs, right, because it's like, you know, 117 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:08,320 Speaker 1: there's no effort required, Like there's no hours of hypnosis 118 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:12,400 Speaker 1: or like seventy you know, hours of you know, hafa 119 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:14,960 Speaker 1: yoga or standing on your head. Nothing. You just have 120 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,520 Speaker 1: to pop something in your mouth and next thing you know, 121 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:20,200 Speaker 1: you're like, await, You're an awakened guru, you know, for 122 00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:22,960 Speaker 1: five hours. Wow. I never thought about it that way, 123 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,719 Speaker 1: So you you specific I mean, it was very hardcore 124 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:29,080 Speaker 1: drug addiction to heroin and cocaine right, Like, it wasn't 125 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:36,320 Speaker 1: just something small. I mean, yeah, heroin and cocaine was 126 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:40,680 Speaker 1: my favorite. Yeah, you didn't mess around. Yeah, what did 127 00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:42,800 Speaker 1: that part of your life look like? Was it? I 128 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:45,640 Speaker 1: was watching something on your website and you said one 129 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:47,440 Speaker 1: of the main I think it was your website. It 130 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,400 Speaker 1: was somewhere when I was reading about you, but you said, 131 00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:51,919 Speaker 1: one of the main people who helped you was a 132 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:54,760 Speaker 1: spiritual teacher who told you straight up you're a junkie. 133 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:58,440 Speaker 1: And you didn't even have the awareness that that was 134 00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:00,560 Speaker 1: the thing for you. Like she said to you something 135 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:03,040 Speaker 1: like are you said, doesn't everyone just do cocaine every day? 136 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:05,880 Speaker 1: And she was like, uh no, So what was what 137 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:10,119 Speaker 1: was that experience? Like? Um? Yeah, So like my father 138 00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:12,320 Speaker 1: was this Fourth Way master, which is the work that 139 00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:14,640 Speaker 1: I followed him in. And my book is a Fourth 140 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:17,280 Speaker 1: Way book, like really simple Fourth Way book in the 141 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:20,080 Speaker 1: sense that all other Fourth Way books ever written before it, 142 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:22,760 Speaker 1: if you were to try to read them, they're like 143 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:26,200 Speaker 1: equivalent to reading a language you've never read before, do you, 144 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,920 Speaker 1: I mean like Chinese or whatever. I don't even know 145 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:31,640 Speaker 1: what the Fourth Way is? What does that mean? So? 146 00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:34,600 Speaker 1: Fourth Way is a lineage of enlightenment based in the 147 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:37,680 Speaker 1: real world. So it's enlightenment for people who are interested 148 00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:41,360 Speaker 1: in buying real estate, um, making really hot into their 149 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:44,600 Speaker 1: sixties seventies, like by you know what I mean, like 150 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:49,720 Speaker 1: wearing beautiful clothes, becoming famous, getting married, having kids. So 151 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:53,480 Speaker 1: those are all things that are generally not related to enlightenment. 152 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:55,040 Speaker 1: If you think of the enlightenment, you think of like 153 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:57,360 Speaker 1: a monk or someone who's given up their belongings. No 154 00:07:57,400 --> 00:08:00,120 Speaker 1: longer cares about how hot their ass looks. They're just 155 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:03,480 Speaker 1: beyond and above that, you know. And a fourth way 156 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:07,080 Speaker 1: is actually saying like you can actually find enlightenment while 157 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:11,800 Speaker 1: becoming a president or while like winning a Grammy. Um 158 00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:14,760 Speaker 1: And so though, that's what fourth way is. Okay, that's 159 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:17,480 Speaker 1: really interesting to me because I definitely feel like I've 160 00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:20,640 Speaker 1: ascillated between the two. It's it's like I never have 161 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:22,559 Speaker 1: thought about that process. I'll have to look into it. Okay, 162 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:26,440 Speaker 1: continue though, So he was this fourth Way master. What 163 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:29,680 Speaker 1: was I answering, like, Um, I asked you about your 164 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:32,000 Speaker 1: the part of your life where you were living in 165 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:36,640 Speaker 1: your addiction and what that looked like. Oh yeah, well, 166 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:40,120 Speaker 1: I mean yeah, so I was just pursuing. I was 167 00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:43,960 Speaker 1: pursuing the hotness of life. You know, I cared deeply 168 00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:48,840 Speaker 1: about fame and money, prestige. I was a DJ. I 169 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:52,440 Speaker 1: was always hanging out with celebrities, and you know, it 170 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:56,280 Speaker 1: became very shallow and empty in the sense that I 171 00:08:56,400 --> 00:09:00,960 Speaker 1: wanted something, but I wasn't quite putting the pieces together. 172 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,200 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, you asked me about the spiritual teacher saying 173 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:04,880 Speaker 1: that I'm a junkie. But that's the thing. Is like 174 00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:07,679 Speaker 1: I was snorting the lines of cocaine off of toilets 175 00:09:07,679 --> 00:09:10,600 Speaker 1: with a list celebrities, and so in my mind, I'm like, 176 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:14,920 Speaker 1: I've arrived, and and and anyone who's sane or sober 177 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:18,000 Speaker 1: or even remotely normal note that snorting lines off of 178 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:20,320 Speaker 1: a toilet is not an arrival of any kind. And 179 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:24,720 Speaker 1: that this person, whoever they were, and I'll leave them anonymous, 180 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:29,080 Speaker 1: was you know, not gonna fucking sign me at the moment. 181 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:30,520 Speaker 1: You know, they weren't to be like, you know what, 182 00:09:30,679 --> 00:09:33,720 Speaker 1: you are the next big act. Like they were just like, oh, 183 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:40,439 Speaker 1: coke over, I'm looking at the party. Yeah, I was 184 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:42,959 Speaker 1: looking to party, But I also like I was that 185 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:46,640 Speaker 1: Yoda character. You know, if anyone is a party or 186 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:49,560 Speaker 1: who was listening to this podcast. It's like I was 187 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:51,800 Speaker 1: that person at five am who was like talking about 188 00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:54,920 Speaker 1: non duality and the meaning of existence, and and that 189 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,080 Speaker 1: person that half the people in the room were like, 190 00:09:57,520 --> 00:09:59,920 Speaker 1: have that bit, She's so out there, but the other 191 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,560 Speaker 1: half were like circled around me as if I was 192 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:05,040 Speaker 1: like some kind of chaminess with a campfire in front, 193 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:07,440 Speaker 1: you know, because I really, you know, I had a power. 194 00:10:07,559 --> 00:10:10,280 Speaker 1: You know that. Now I'm like, okay, which is you're 195 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:12,160 Speaker 1: gonna pay me money for this. But back then I 196 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,079 Speaker 1: was like, oh, seven in the morning, let me tell 197 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,679 Speaker 1: you the meaning of life. Yeah, so what did you 198 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:21,160 Speaker 1: do when the lady says to you you're a junkie? Um? 199 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,080 Speaker 1: I wasn't shocked because I was really like, no, I 200 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,000 Speaker 1: don't think so. And my world view was just if 201 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:28,920 Speaker 1: you had had a life as painful as mine, and 202 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:32,439 Speaker 1: you were as poor as me, and you were um, 203 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:34,640 Speaker 1: and I'm sorry. That's where I that's where I dediated. 204 00:10:34,679 --> 00:10:37,200 Speaker 1: My father was a fourth way master. This woman was 205 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:40,439 Speaker 1: introduced to me because there was hundreds of followers of 206 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:43,600 Speaker 1: my father's work collected money because I was so poor 207 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:46,240 Speaker 1: and a heroin act collected money so that I could 208 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:50,360 Speaker 1: get healing after he died and I was not sober 209 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:52,719 Speaker 1: yet and this woman was not sober. She was just 210 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:56,880 Speaker 1: trying to help me, you know. And because this, hundreds 211 00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:59,640 Speaker 1: of people had collected money to pay for this to 212 00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:01,720 Speaker 1: have and so I could have some support because otherwise 213 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:04,160 Speaker 1: I would have been like in the street basically. And 214 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:06,400 Speaker 1: she was like, you're a junkie. And then she said 215 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:08,720 Speaker 1: something really interesting, like she was like, where do you 216 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:11,160 Speaker 1: see yourself in ten years? And at that point I 217 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,480 Speaker 1: was twenty nine, so I would have been like forty, right, 218 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,720 Speaker 1: and I was like, well, married with kids, with a 219 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:20,120 Speaker 1: really fantastic career and like wealthy. And she was like, 220 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:22,640 Speaker 1: how do you see that happening? And I was like, 221 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:25,520 Speaker 1: um wait what? And I was like, wait, are you 222 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,400 Speaker 1: saying that if I just keep doing Heroin every day 223 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:31,280 Speaker 1: like at forty, my life will be basically exactly the same, 224 00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:35,040 Speaker 1: but I'll be forty. And she was like yeah, Like 225 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,319 Speaker 1: she just she was like doing the math in her 226 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:39,320 Speaker 1: mind and I was doing the math in mine, and 227 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,240 Speaker 1: at that moment, I was like, that's not what I 228 00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:45,000 Speaker 1: want to do at forty. And I just made a 229 00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:49,720 Speaker 1: different choice at that moment, and it was so um 230 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:53,600 Speaker 1: incredibly easy. It was easier than any choice I've made 231 00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:56,480 Speaker 1: in my life. Like in the sense that I've had struggles. 232 00:11:56,800 --> 00:12:00,200 Speaker 1: I've struggled with body dysmorphia, you know, food crap app 233 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:04,040 Speaker 1: I've studied with poverty to wealth. I've struggled with bad men. 234 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:06,040 Speaker 1: I've done it all, and that's why I feel like 235 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,240 Speaker 1: I can help people with all of those things. But 236 00:12:08,679 --> 00:12:11,840 Speaker 1: the transformation, it was like boom, I kicked heroin in 237 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:14,200 Speaker 1: two days. I was actually, that's a question I have 238 00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:17,319 Speaker 1: for later for you, but I'll just get to it now. 239 00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:21,920 Speaker 1: But do you feel like, um, this was a journey 240 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:24,280 Speaker 1: of getting to like a spiritual awakening for you? Or 241 00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:27,200 Speaker 1: was it just like this moment that you knew life 242 00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:31,920 Speaker 1: needed to change? How do you mean, like, was that 243 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:34,280 Speaker 1: the moment when that lady says to you you're a 244 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:38,080 Speaker 1: junkie and your face with yourself. Was it just like 245 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:40,280 Speaker 1: you said, it just was an easy fix and an 246 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:43,920 Speaker 1: easy switch or was it more of a process of 247 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:47,960 Speaker 1: an awakening. It was a really long process. But I 248 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,320 Speaker 1: also I used to believe enlightenment was like this final 249 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,920 Speaker 1: moment where like all of a sudden I was going 250 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,600 Speaker 1: to be lifted into the heavens and then I could 251 00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:58,320 Speaker 1: be better than all of you, and I could like 252 00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:01,080 Speaker 1: come down from the Holy High like Moses and like 253 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,600 Speaker 1: give you the commandments. Like I just had all these 254 00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:08,760 Speaker 1: crazy ideas. And what I've realized after white light experience, 255 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:12,800 Speaker 1: after white light experience, after white light experience, is that 256 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:16,559 Speaker 1: enlightenment is is not a one and done deal. It's 257 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:21,400 Speaker 1: a process of understanding that enlightenment is a totality of 258 00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:24,080 Speaker 1: your living. It's not like, Okay, finally, if I just 259 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:27,960 Speaker 1: get this right, guys, um, then will finally stop incarnating 260 00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,400 Speaker 1: as a fucking human and then I can just go 261 00:13:30,679 --> 00:13:34,240 Speaker 1: like pussy list and mouthless, never eat, never funk again, 262 00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:36,400 Speaker 1: never have to deal with the pain of death, and 263 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,400 Speaker 1: I'll be free from this karma. And to me, how 264 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:41,960 Speaker 1: is that any different from like the whole Catholic dogma, 265 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:44,640 Speaker 1: which is like one day when you die, then Christ 266 00:13:44,679 --> 00:13:47,680 Speaker 1: will give you, you know, a birthday cake or whatever, 267 00:13:47,679 --> 00:13:49,640 Speaker 1: you know what I mean. Like, it's like I don't 268 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:52,240 Speaker 1: want to wait, like I want it now. If enlightenment now, 269 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:55,960 Speaker 1: then that means Sometimes enlightenment looks like me being like ah, 270 00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:59,079 Speaker 1: because my kid just like wrote with marker on the wall, 271 00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:01,760 Speaker 1: you know what I mean, and I don't explain that 272 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,760 Speaker 1: more to me that one whenever in my head, Well, 273 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,600 Speaker 1: the idea is like enlightenment. Okay, So my friend Argina 274 00:14:07,679 --> 00:14:10,559 Speaker 1: has this whole wheel and he talks about how people 275 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,400 Speaker 1: think enlightenment is this one thing can get it and 276 00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:15,680 Speaker 1: then you're struck enlightened and then you just walk around 277 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,320 Speaker 1: with a robe and you're like, I don't have problems, right, 278 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:21,720 Speaker 1: so and I'm saying that's not true. And his little wheel, 279 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:24,680 Speaker 1: I think, really depicts the process very well. So enlightenment 280 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:28,240 Speaker 1: is like a shock where you feel like an aha 281 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:31,600 Speaker 1: moment where you're clear about the meaning of existence, You're 282 00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:35,280 Speaker 1: filled with love and a state of complete forgiveness and peace, 283 00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:39,600 Speaker 1: and then that moment passes. For anyone listening who was 284 00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:42,560 Speaker 1: like I've had that, Like, it passes and then it 285 00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:46,000 Speaker 1: turns into creative flow. And creative flow is like a 286 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:49,680 Speaker 1: place where you're tasked with effort. So most people don't 287 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:53,600 Speaker 1: want enlightenment because enlightenment means responsibility to what that creative 288 00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:55,920 Speaker 1: flow instructs you to do. So maybe that creative flow 289 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,720 Speaker 1: will say you're actually a painter, or maybe they'll say, oh, 290 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:01,440 Speaker 1: you're a spiritual teacher or to you, they probably said, oh, 291 00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:03,920 Speaker 1: now you have to like run a podcast, which I'm 292 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:07,480 Speaker 1: sure like any task that we're given, we have resistance towards. 293 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:10,840 Speaker 1: We're like, oh, podcast, like I have to recorded, and 294 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:13,280 Speaker 1: then I have to like, you know, film things and 295 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:16,600 Speaker 1: there's a photo shoots and like the star reviews on 296 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:18,920 Speaker 1: iTunes like no, no, no, no no, And so there's 297 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:22,440 Speaker 1: this resistance, but we do it if we're willing. That's 298 00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:24,920 Speaker 1: enlightenment is someone who's willing to go with the flow 299 00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:27,640 Speaker 1: of this cycle. Okay, so the creative flow then is 300 00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:31,880 Speaker 1: followed by achievement, and achievement is like spreadsheets, cold calls, 301 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:35,680 Speaker 1: emails and ship you really don't want to do like marketing, 302 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:39,239 Speaker 1: you know. And no one thinks that that is enlightenment 303 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:42,400 Speaker 1: because again it's like they just think, oh, it's like 304 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,920 Speaker 1: a miraculous at Cart totally just happens to be the 305 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,880 Speaker 1: most famous spiritual teacher in the world. Like I guarantee 306 00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:50,880 Speaker 1: you there's someone as enlightened as at Cart totally like 307 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:55,160 Speaker 1: hiding in Brooklyn, who no one's ever heard of. And 308 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,800 Speaker 1: the reason for that is because that person is really 309 00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:00,880 Speaker 1: interested in one part of that wheel. They're not interested 310 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:04,240 Speaker 1: in the whole wheel. They just want to sit there 311 00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:06,960 Speaker 1: and be enlightened, right, But for the rest of us 312 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,480 Speaker 1: who are like, Okay, what's this other stuff about? How 313 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:13,800 Speaker 1: what's this creative low part? What this achievement ship? And 314 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,920 Speaker 1: then the next part after achievement is you hit a wall. 315 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:19,440 Speaker 1: For anyone who's ever tried to do anything in life, 316 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:22,080 Speaker 1: you know, you hit a wall, like you get rejected, 317 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:25,520 Speaker 1: you lose that opportunity, you get a pimple on the 318 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:28,120 Speaker 1: day of the photo shoot, you're bloated, whatever it is, Like, 319 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:31,120 Speaker 1: things go awry and it could be even bigger. Someone dies, 320 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:35,080 Speaker 1: your house burns down, whatever, right, and then you are 321 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:39,600 Speaker 1: hit with complete recognition that you of yourself are nothing 322 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,960 Speaker 1: and you're a useless, worthless piece of craps, so to speak. 323 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,640 Speaker 1: That's kind of the feeling you like when you get 324 00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:46,400 Speaker 1: punched in the gut and you're like rocky on the 325 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:49,560 Speaker 1: floor and you're covered in blood. And then that leads 326 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:53,360 Speaker 1: to what's called humility. And humility is the like the 327 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:58,160 Speaker 1: fourth part of the Enlightenment quadrants. And humility is when 328 00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:02,120 Speaker 1: you're struck to your knees and you just basically I pray, 329 00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:05,719 Speaker 1: but you say, like I can't do this, like something, 330 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:09,119 Speaker 1: whatever it is, please help me. And then you feel 331 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:12,639 Speaker 1: like I can't do this, and that's when enlightened that 332 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:16,840 Speaker 1: comes back again, go again and enlightened minutes followed by 333 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:19,119 Speaker 1: creative flow, and creative flow is followed by achievement and 334 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:23,000 Speaker 1: achievement ulity. And if you can get with that program, 335 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,360 Speaker 1: then you're no longer going to be this victim of like, 336 00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:28,600 Speaker 1: what's the spreadsheet bullshit? I'm supposed to be a latent 337 00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:31,480 Speaker 1: guru sitting on top of a mountain, you know, yeah, 338 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,720 Speaker 1: you know I was. I'm listening to you talking. I'm 339 00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:35,679 Speaker 1: sitting here going, well, this is no mistake that this 340 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:37,719 Speaker 1: is the podcast that I had book today, because this 341 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:40,160 Speaker 1: is exactly summing up where I am in my life. 342 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:44,000 Speaker 1: And I think that if I would guess correctly or 343 00:17:44,119 --> 00:17:46,120 Speaker 1: just take a hunt, that a lot of people are 344 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:49,480 Speaker 1: feeling that this year, specifically, you know, I think has 345 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:54,399 Speaker 1: been such a year collectively of loss, of change, of shifting, 346 00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:59,080 Speaker 1: and I know I personally have been struggling with what 347 00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:02,800 Speaker 1: is my purpose? You know, like because nothing is as 348 00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:06,679 Speaker 1: it was and it feels like I keep bumping up 349 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:10,040 Speaker 1: against that thing you're talking about where it's just you 350 00:18:10,119 --> 00:18:12,600 Speaker 1: hit the wall and it's not working or there's something 351 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:16,159 Speaker 1: that needs to shift, and um I can get I 352 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:19,280 Speaker 1: can find I seem to get really stuck in the 353 00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:23,399 Speaker 1: like why is this happening? The pain of whatever, the 354 00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:28,600 Speaker 1: loss is, the grief around that versus like the mentality 355 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,240 Speaker 1: that I hear in your voice, which is like, Okay, 356 00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:35,160 Speaker 1: this is happening. What is the universe opening up? Or 357 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,560 Speaker 1: you know, like just to get back to the enlightenment, 358 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:39,680 Speaker 1: maybe like I get a little stuck. Have you ever 359 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:43,000 Speaker 1: felt like that? Oh? Yeah, of course. I think it's 360 00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:47,919 Speaker 1: a process, like patients and understanding that time makes no mistakes. 361 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,639 Speaker 1: It is a process of learning, right, so we could 362 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:54,160 Speaker 1: never learn it. Of course, if we keep looking at 363 00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:59,040 Speaker 1: life's difficulties as like the universes or God's efforts to 364 00:18:59,119 --> 00:19:02,239 Speaker 1: block us, you know, then of course we're just going 365 00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:04,399 Speaker 1: to get more and more bitter. Which is something you 366 00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:06,840 Speaker 1: see quite often and people who are elderly, is called 367 00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:09,920 Speaker 1: the massive amount of bitterness because you can imagine, if 368 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:13,160 Speaker 1: you've experience rejection once, if you're ninety years old, you've 369 00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:16,440 Speaker 1: experienced it a lot more times than that. And if 370 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:20,879 Speaker 1: every time you experience rejection or loss or disappointment or 371 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:25,919 Speaker 1: boredom or whatever you make it mean that you're a failure, 372 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:29,359 Speaker 1: you're a loser, and that's something that like malevolent is 373 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:33,000 Speaker 1: literally working against you instead of asking the question of 374 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,480 Speaker 1: how is this here to serve me and how can 375 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:40,520 Speaker 1: I utilize this opportunity as a means of growing my 376 00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:44,320 Speaker 1: patients even more and trusting in the flow of time 377 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:49,440 Speaker 1: even more. Well so when you say that that is 378 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:52,160 Speaker 1: where I want to get. But I have a question 379 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:55,840 Speaker 1: because you know, when I I was thinking about what 380 00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:59,760 Speaker 1: I've been feeling. This is even yesterday. Actually, um, I thought, 381 00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:03,560 Speaker 1: you know, I'm just tired, Like I'm just tired. I 382 00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:06,679 Speaker 1: feel like I've been doing the process, doing the work, 383 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,320 Speaker 1: doing all these things, and I keep hitting walls. And 384 00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:11,760 Speaker 1: a friend said to me last night something about um, 385 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,280 Speaker 1: they talk about like when you're living in your purpose, 386 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,800 Speaker 1: things flow a little bit easier versus when you're trying 387 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:19,399 Speaker 1: to force things to work and you keep bumping up 388 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,200 Speaker 1: acaust the walls. And you mentioned your dad passing away 389 00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:24,680 Speaker 1: as well, and there was so much loss in your 390 00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:26,720 Speaker 1: life and we haven't even talked about all of it yet. 391 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:30,480 Speaker 1: But was there ever a moment that you thought to yourself, 392 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:34,120 Speaker 1: I can't do this again, or like fuck this, Like 393 00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:36,720 Speaker 1: why would I keep bumping up against this same thing 394 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:39,680 Speaker 1: of loss in my life? You know, yes, And and 395 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:41,879 Speaker 1: I don't think it's going away, you know, like I 396 00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,159 Speaker 1: may not be in that right now as we're sitting 397 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:47,080 Speaker 1: here speaking with one another, but I know that that 398 00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:51,200 Speaker 1: feeling is coming again, and that feeling comes for me 399 00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:55,840 Speaker 1: as someone who's in this wheel of enlightenment, I have 400 00:20:56,119 --> 00:21:00,160 Speaker 1: to hit humility every so often. Right, It's just it's 401 00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:04,760 Speaker 1: not it's non negotiable, and rather than seeing that hit 402 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,360 Speaker 1: when I get hit and I'm rocky and I'm down 403 00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:09,679 Speaker 1: on the ground, for me, it's it can be depression. 404 00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:12,719 Speaker 1: It can be not being able to feel an emotion 405 00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:15,600 Speaker 1: because I spent my whole life blocking emotions and so 406 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:17,879 Speaker 1: it's very hard for me. Sometimes it's happen to what 407 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:21,840 Speaker 1: I'm feeling. Um. Sometimes it can be disappointment or like 408 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,600 Speaker 1: I get a little bitchy when someone doesn't email me 409 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:28,360 Speaker 1: back right away, something like that. But it's like whatever 410 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:30,840 Speaker 1: it is that's coming up for me that day, Like 411 00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:35,120 Speaker 1: I'm not denying that it's coming anymore. However, I am 412 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:38,359 Speaker 1: understanding that these are the things that bring me to 413 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:40,720 Speaker 1: my needs. And so I'm in a state of awe 414 00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:42,960 Speaker 1: and gratitude for the things that we can me. I've 415 00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:45,879 Speaker 1: I've got my Achilles heels. And if we talk about 416 00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:49,000 Speaker 1: body types, different people are bothered by different things. Some 417 00:21:49,119 --> 00:21:52,040 Speaker 1: of them are like me, and they're vain and power hungry, 418 00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:54,240 Speaker 1: and those are the things that are going to bring 419 00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:57,080 Speaker 1: them down. Other people are more dominant and they just 420 00:21:57,119 --> 00:21:59,720 Speaker 1: want to be on top of everything and control everything. 421 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:02,679 Speaker 1: They're going to be brought down by that. Some people 422 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:07,240 Speaker 1: are more like they you know, want everyone to like them. 423 00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:10,560 Speaker 1: You know, people please me, right. So everyone's got their 424 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:13,840 Speaker 1: own major key weaknesses. Now, of course we have all 425 00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:16,199 Speaker 1: of them on some level, but there's gonna be some 426 00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:18,679 Speaker 1: that are like Herculean, Like all of a sudden it 427 00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:23,240 Speaker 1: hits you and you're like, you know, I cannot take 428 00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:25,440 Speaker 1: this anymore. And those are the words that I use. 429 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:28,160 Speaker 1: I cannot take this anymore. It's almost like I put 430 00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:29,680 Speaker 1: my hand over my head and I'm like, I just 431 00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:33,359 Speaker 1: can't take this anymore, this planet. And then I remember 432 00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:37,119 Speaker 1: it's like, yet, you chose this planet. You chose a 433 00:22:37,119 --> 00:22:42,560 Speaker 1: planet that is versatile and changing and risky and crazy 434 00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:45,720 Speaker 1: and fucked up. You chose it. You didn't come here 435 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:49,480 Speaker 1: randomly or not some little first time or Daisy Paisy 436 00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:52,400 Speaker 1: who's like, oh no, you know it's like you've been 437 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:55,439 Speaker 1: in wars, You've killed, you've been killed, Like this is 438 00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:59,680 Speaker 1: not new to you. Yeah, yeah, I do. So when 439 00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:03,440 Speaker 1: you are in um, this peaceful place that I hear 440 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:05,320 Speaker 1: for you like, do you have you ever do you 441 00:23:05,359 --> 00:23:07,159 Speaker 1: have those moments where you look at someone else and 442 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:08,720 Speaker 1: kind of when I was listening to you talk about, 443 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:12,000 Speaker 1: You're like, you have to hit the humility. I am 444 00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:14,720 Speaker 1: certain this is not true, but my brain wants to 445 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:17,359 Speaker 1: tell me that not that does not happen for everyone. 446 00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:20,000 Speaker 1: And I want to note I have two questions to this. 447 00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:23,760 Speaker 1: What happens if we don't hit the place of humility 448 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:26,320 Speaker 1: would be the first question, and then the second question 449 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:30,400 Speaker 1: is that that do you feel like certain people can 450 00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:34,959 Speaker 1: kind of deny that place and just keep the train moving? Yeah? Um, 451 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:37,640 Speaker 1: I think not being able to hit humility is the 452 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:41,600 Speaker 1: biggest tragedy of anyone's life. Why do you say that, because, like, 453 00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:45,800 Speaker 1: I have friends who are pretty much alcoholics who drink 454 00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:48,400 Speaker 1: too much. Their lives are a mess. They have all 455 00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:50,919 Speaker 1: the isms that I had when I was in my 456 00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:54,840 Speaker 1: using and drinking days, but their life just never got 457 00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:58,159 Speaker 1: fucked up enough, or they don't see it that way, 458 00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:00,720 Speaker 1: so that they've never made a chance change and so 459 00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:04,520 Speaker 1: that as they get older, that everything stays exactly the 460 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:07,359 Speaker 1: same for them. And so to me, like that's a 461 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:09,679 Speaker 1: huge tragedy, Like I'm just so grateful that I was 462 00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:13,520 Speaker 1: graced with the ability to see my powerlessness, to see 463 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,720 Speaker 1: that I cannot do this, and to humbly fall onto 464 00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:20,760 Speaker 1: my knees and seek something that is invisible and unprovable. 465 00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:23,680 Speaker 1: And then the second question about are there people who 466 00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:27,520 Speaker 1: can just power through? I get I guess so, but 467 00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:31,040 Speaker 1: I don't envy them, because to me that just seems 468 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:33,679 Speaker 1: like a spiritual bypass. And you see a lot of 469 00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:39,120 Speaker 1: that on Instagram these days constantly, like proselytizing these ian 470 00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:41,919 Speaker 1: like you have to be in this amazing mood and 471 00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:45,399 Speaker 1: just go work out and power through. And I actually 472 00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:48,520 Speaker 1: found that all that stuff is like it's true, like 473 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:51,600 Speaker 1: I do really work out every day, but when I 474 00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:53,359 Speaker 1: was trying to do it from a place of self 475 00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:56,639 Speaker 1: improvement or like fixing something, it didn't work all the 476 00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:58,560 Speaker 1: time because sometimes I would just like be like I 477 00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:01,239 Speaker 1: just can't do it, you know what I mean, Like 478 00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:05,639 Speaker 1: I just can't make myself any better, right John, You know, 479 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:08,240 Speaker 1: but and that's like, I love that you brought up 480 00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:10,240 Speaker 1: social media because that's one of the biggest things I say, 481 00:25:10,359 --> 00:25:12,320 Speaker 1: is those aren't the moments that we're posting about on 482 00:25:12,359 --> 00:25:14,520 Speaker 1: social media at that moment you just talked about. It's 483 00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:16,159 Speaker 1: the when you do go work out, and when you 484 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:20,040 Speaker 1: do are doing all the striving, and so it gets confusing. 485 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:23,439 Speaker 1: It looks like someone else's reality just looks so different 486 00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,639 Speaker 1: from what I'm experiencing, and you start to do the 487 00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:28,359 Speaker 1: you know, the comparing the insides and the outsides, and 488 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:32,040 Speaker 1: for me sometimes that's a huge spiritual block because then 489 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:34,560 Speaker 1: I start to find myself getting super piste off at 490 00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:37,720 Speaker 1: the universe or God or whatever you want to call 491 00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:42,000 Speaker 1: your higher power. Yeah, oh yeah, And I think that's normal. 492 00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:44,720 Speaker 1: And again, for certain types, it's going to be a 493 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:47,879 Speaker 1: bigger weakness. And I've experienced quite a bit of that 494 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:50,000 Speaker 1: in my life. One of the tools that I use 495 00:25:50,119 --> 00:25:54,120 Speaker 1: with envy is to say I had a mantra for envy. 496 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:55,959 Speaker 1: Hold on, let me see it's in my notes. Do 497 00:25:56,000 --> 00:26:02,800 Speaker 1: I have a second and being Montreal, we always go dud, dud, dud, 498 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:07,200 Speaker 1: which is actually really sad because this we lost Alex Trebell. 499 00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:11,199 Speaker 1: What what a hottie? Though? Can you talk? Can we 500 00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:16,119 Speaker 1: just talk about how what a maintained um body? And 501 00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:22,840 Speaker 1: like face that guy looks. Yes, it's incredible. Okay, here's 502 00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:26,080 Speaker 1: my here's my mandre. Okay what And I always used 503 00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:28,760 Speaker 1: the word God, even though I'm not religious, specifically that 504 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:32,640 Speaker 1: I very much and one with this power. No doubts 505 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:35,800 Speaker 1: about this power. So I say what God has done 506 00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:40,520 Speaker 1: for others, he now does for me and more. And 507 00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:44,760 Speaker 1: then I say, thou art all fair, my love for God, 508 00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:47,679 Speaker 1: call on for God, call it on the scene and 509 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:52,800 Speaker 1: unseen m I love that all is fair, my love, 510 00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:55,200 Speaker 1: because that's one of the biggest things that goes into 511 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:58,920 Speaker 1: my head is the justice. Piece of this justice isn't fair? 512 00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:01,280 Speaker 1: I have so to heart. That is one of my 513 00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:07,440 Speaker 1: achilles heels for sure. Yeah, that prayer has helped me. Yeah, Yeah, 514 00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:09,879 Speaker 1: I'm with you and I get it, and you've got that. 515 00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:12,160 Speaker 1: I think you've thought that saturned vibe. If we went more. 516 00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:14,000 Speaker 1: We're not going to go into the whole body type 517 00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:17,000 Speaker 1: of stuff here, but I just the Saturn's you know, 518 00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:20,359 Speaker 1: that's it's all about righteous anger, right, Yes, So like 519 00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:23,560 Speaker 1: that's not right. That's as if the universe is right, 520 00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:26,360 Speaker 1: that's clearly not what they were setting up here, right. 521 00:27:26,359 --> 00:27:28,080 Speaker 1: I mean, if it's right, then the last four years 522 00:27:28,119 --> 00:27:33,760 Speaker 1: would not have happened, never exactly. Let's talk a little 523 00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:37,439 Speaker 1: bit about how because we mentioned your father passed away, 524 00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:39,760 Speaker 1: and then the part that we haven't talked about yet 525 00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:42,720 Speaker 1: is that you lost a child. Um, you lost a 526 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:46,720 Speaker 1: child at four months old, two sids, which I cannot 527 00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:49,240 Speaker 1: even comprehend what that would feel like. Can you talk 528 00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:51,040 Speaker 1: us through that part of your story a little bit? 529 00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:53,280 Speaker 1: You know, I was at a point in my life 530 00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:56,480 Speaker 1: where I was so lost, um, and I was dry. 531 00:27:57,040 --> 00:28:00,159 Speaker 1: For anyone who knows anything about alcoholisms variety, like, I 532 00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:02,640 Speaker 1: was dry. So dry means you're not using, but you're 533 00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:06,120 Speaker 1: like miserable. But I was. Um. I was a mom, 534 00:28:06,359 --> 00:28:08,560 Speaker 1: and I was twenty six years old, and I had 535 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:11,080 Speaker 1: this beautiful baby who I was very in love with, 536 00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:14,480 Speaker 1: and I had this partner who was sort of a boyfriend, 537 00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:16,919 Speaker 1: and he liked brought he was the faded daddy, and 538 00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:20,400 Speaker 1: he brought Bulah to me dead and he said she's 539 00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:25,080 Speaker 1: not feeding and I tried to give her CPR. And 540 00:28:25,119 --> 00:28:27,080 Speaker 1: then my father, who lived with us at the time, 541 00:28:27,119 --> 00:28:29,399 Speaker 1: he was still alive. Because there was a sequence of 542 00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:32,440 Speaker 1: events that that I believe were the Universe's way of 543 00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:35,600 Speaker 1: waking me up. Um, And for anyone who's struggling right 544 00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:40,240 Speaker 1: now or even experiencing difficulties, just remember, like difficulties are 545 00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:43,160 Speaker 1: the way that the whispers of the universe are are 546 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:47,200 Speaker 1: trying to awaken me. So the difference between enlightened man 547 00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:50,200 Speaker 1: and a non enlightened man is just the enlightenment says, 548 00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:52,760 Speaker 1: I'm listening to the whisper and I'll do whatever you say. 549 00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:54,440 Speaker 1: And I was at a point when I was just 550 00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:58,160 Speaker 1: like to fucking fingers in the air, and no one 551 00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:01,320 Speaker 1: tells me what to do, not even us. And when 552 00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:03,640 Speaker 1: she died, I went and picked up an entire like 553 00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:06,840 Speaker 1: a hundred bucks worth of heroin. And that was the 554 00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:10,080 Speaker 1: beginning of so much. It just got worse and worse. 555 00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:12,720 Speaker 1: And then after that my house burnt down, and my 556 00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:15,280 Speaker 1: best friend hung himself, and then my dad died of 557 00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:18,600 Speaker 1: a heart attack, all within like two years. Oh my God, 558 00:29:19,880 --> 00:29:21,720 Speaker 1: Like when I hear that, I go, how are you 559 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:26,320 Speaker 1: still standing? Honestly, I don't. I think it was like 560 00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:29,720 Speaker 1: back then, what kept me alive was the drug, and 561 00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:33,400 Speaker 1: then for many years it was like a blend of spirit, 562 00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:36,560 Speaker 1: like I really have a spiritual foundation that is very 563 00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:40,280 Speaker 1: very rich. But then it was that leather jacket kept 564 00:29:40,280 --> 00:29:44,040 Speaker 1: me alive for many years. Today I'm fully naked, like 565 00:29:44,160 --> 00:29:46,360 Speaker 1: I share openly. I was just doing a podcast the 566 00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:49,640 Speaker 1: other day and this woman, this beautiful woman that was 567 00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:52,000 Speaker 1: interviewing me, was like talking about how much she loves 568 00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:56,040 Speaker 1: my music. And I've always been very afraid about my music, 569 00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:59,440 Speaker 1: very shy, very like oh no, like don't judge me, 570 00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:02,200 Speaker 1: you know, And I just share about all of it now, 571 00:30:02,240 --> 00:30:05,360 Speaker 1: like none of it's a secret. And that's something that's 572 00:30:05,440 --> 00:30:07,600 Speaker 1: very different about where I am today. So that's what 573 00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:11,200 Speaker 1: keeps me alive today is zero secrets. But what kept 574 00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:14,120 Speaker 1: me alive for the longest time, which is the leather jacket. 575 00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:17,440 Speaker 1: And like being like I don't feel anything to pluck yourself, 576 00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:19,720 Speaker 1: you know, right. What I hear so much in that 577 00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:22,880 Speaker 1: is that you're truly allowing yourself to be seen, which 578 00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:27,040 Speaker 1: is such um in an enlightened way to live, to meet, 579 00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:29,640 Speaker 1: to just allow ourselves to be seen I think that's 580 00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:32,840 Speaker 1: so much more difficult for me. It has been at 581 00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:36,719 Speaker 1: least the journey of fully being myself and opening myself 582 00:30:36,840 --> 00:30:39,800 Speaker 1: up to that vulnerability of someone seeing all of me 583 00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:45,720 Speaker 1: in a true way. Yeah, it's amazing. Yeah. So after 584 00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:50,160 Speaker 1: you have all of this loss, and specifically just loss 585 00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:52,680 Speaker 1: of your family. Um, I was reading something on your 586 00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:56,080 Speaker 1: Instagram and you said you said you talked about like 587 00:30:56,200 --> 00:30:58,760 Speaker 1: the loss, and then you said losing most of your 588 00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:01,760 Speaker 1: family growing up, and that taught you was not to 589 00:31:01,840 --> 00:31:05,040 Speaker 1: stop loving, but to instead love more. So how do 590 00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:08,960 Speaker 1: you convince yourself to take the risk of loving again 591 00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:11,320 Speaker 1: after so much loss? Like, how do you not just 592 00:31:11,440 --> 00:31:16,360 Speaker 1: completely shut your heart down? I think what I've melted 593 00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:19,760 Speaker 1: into and come into being with is that there's no 594 00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:24,520 Speaker 1: difference between loss and and having and loving. How do 595 00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:29,840 Speaker 1: you mean, well, they are one. They cannot be separate 596 00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:32,880 Speaker 1: in the sense that on this planet, in the world 597 00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:34,840 Speaker 1: of duality, which is where we live, we're not all 598 00:31:34,840 --> 00:31:36,920 Speaker 1: tripping on M D M A all day long. We're 599 00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:41,040 Speaker 1: not all like touching each other at like a desert party, 600 00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:44,200 Speaker 1: tripping on asset. This is not how life looks in America, 601 00:31:44,640 --> 00:31:48,160 Speaker 1: in the world, in our cities, we wake up. You know, 602 00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:53,920 Speaker 1: there's coffee, there's work, there's families, they're difficulties, there's showers. 603 00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:55,840 Speaker 1: I mean, there's so many things that happened in a 604 00:31:55,920 --> 00:31:58,120 Speaker 1: day that I have nothing to do with that feeling 605 00:31:58,320 --> 00:32:01,320 Speaker 1: of like, oh you know, it's all one, We're all one, 606 00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:05,320 Speaker 1: you know what I mean. And to me, that inside 607 00:32:05,320 --> 00:32:09,720 Speaker 1: of that struggle is where we build relationships and find 608 00:32:09,840 --> 00:32:14,680 Speaker 1: true love. And we also are always on the precipice 609 00:32:14,680 --> 00:32:17,000 Speaker 1: of death. I used to think that was really scary, 610 00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:20,000 Speaker 1: Like I was like I really could die at any minute, 611 00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:22,560 Speaker 1: and because my whole family had died fams, my brother 612 00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:25,760 Speaker 1: was very much alive and living in Montreal, like other 613 00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:29,120 Speaker 1: than my brother, like everyone dropped dead, including my child, 614 00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:32,120 Speaker 1: And so I was like very much afraid. Like when 615 00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:34,480 Speaker 1: I would get on a subway platform, I always thought 616 00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:36,000 Speaker 1: someone was going to shoot me, or I thought someone 617 00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:38,840 Speaker 1: pushing on the tracks. I thought, um whenever I would 618 00:32:38,840 --> 00:32:40,000 Speaker 1: like touch my breath, I was like, oh my god, 619 00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:43,440 Speaker 1: I have breast cancer. Like I just so afraid because 620 00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:46,719 Speaker 1: I had seen how quickly and how without any warning 621 00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:50,040 Speaker 1: people just disappear and never to return again. And so 622 00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:52,720 Speaker 1: I was like, this is scary, and what I have 623 00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:56,920 Speaker 1: concluded and where I live now is I've been dying 624 00:32:57,120 --> 00:32:59,720 Speaker 1: from the moment that I was born, Like the moment 625 00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:05,040 Speaker 1: Yet was born, she already um was in a state 626 00:33:05,120 --> 00:33:08,800 Speaker 1: of her death, right, And so this is just gets 627 00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:11,680 Speaker 1: a little metaphysical to stay with me here. The idea 628 00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:15,240 Speaker 1: is this, like if you really do something spiritual, like 629 00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:18,360 Speaker 1: if you do something that's really hard for you, like 630 00:33:19,160 --> 00:33:22,520 Speaker 1: whatever it is facing your biggest dreams, pursuing your wealth 631 00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:26,160 Speaker 1: with dreams, or you know, workouts that are really painful, 632 00:33:26,480 --> 00:33:29,600 Speaker 1: or eating in a state of presence or I'm trying 633 00:33:29,640 --> 00:33:32,040 Speaker 1: to think of some other hearts, or stopping drinking. Right, 634 00:33:32,080 --> 00:33:35,280 Speaker 1: if you do something that like requires like a what 635 00:33:35,400 --> 00:33:38,800 Speaker 1: is this? Like this is a massive change, right, There's 636 00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:43,200 Speaker 1: a feeling that comes where you feel like very very 637 00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:47,560 Speaker 1: very alive in those moments, but you also feel like 638 00:33:47,600 --> 00:33:49,520 Speaker 1: you're almost gonna die, do you know what I mean? 639 00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:51,800 Speaker 1: Because it's so hard, you're like, I didn't know it 640 00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:55,360 Speaker 1: could get this hard. And to me, that's kind of 641 00:33:55,400 --> 00:33:59,560 Speaker 1: what death is. It's like we've been dying since we 642 00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:02,719 Speaker 1: were born worn and so people who are willing to 643 00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:08,360 Speaker 1: get connected to that feeling of pain and grief and loss, 644 00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:10,600 Speaker 1: which is what our death really is. It's all of 645 00:34:10,640 --> 00:34:15,320 Speaker 1: those beautiful things, um. You then we pursue a life 646 00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:18,880 Speaker 1: that feels like death in the sense that we're doing 647 00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:24,040 Speaker 1: things that constantly push us towards that feeling. Oh my gosh, 648 00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:28,239 Speaker 1: I mean that feels like such. It feels like such 649 00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:31,920 Speaker 1: a surrendered place to live. Like immediately when I hear 650 00:34:31,960 --> 00:34:34,480 Speaker 1: you say all that, I'm like, what how in the world? 651 00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:39,279 Speaker 1: Because you come at life from that perspective, mm hmm, 652 00:34:39,960 --> 00:34:43,160 Speaker 1: how did you get there? A lot of pain and 653 00:34:43,200 --> 00:34:46,800 Speaker 1: a lot of trying to like hold on to life, 654 00:34:46,840 --> 00:34:49,920 Speaker 1: and and also like unwillingness, like I love my husband, 655 00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:52,799 Speaker 1: I love I have a baby now she's too, and 656 00:34:52,880 --> 00:34:55,719 Speaker 1: the love that I feel for them, and the love 657 00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:58,200 Speaker 1: that I feel for like the beautiful homes that we 658 00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:01,560 Speaker 1: live in, and the you know, star hotels that I 659 00:35:01,880 --> 00:35:04,680 Speaker 1: you know, partner with, and like my beautiful life and 660 00:35:04,719 --> 00:35:09,680 Speaker 1: my gorgeous body. I just the more I got tuned 661 00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:12,000 Speaker 1: into what was really going on, I could feel that 662 00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:14,480 Speaker 1: there was a horror inside of all of that. There 663 00:35:14,520 --> 00:35:17,560 Speaker 1: was like a literal horror of like this is all 664 00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:22,720 Speaker 1: very fragile and at any minute, and I wasn't willing 665 00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:24,840 Speaker 1: to live like that anymore. So I had to start 666 00:35:24,960 --> 00:35:29,240 Speaker 1: seeing the unity in those things. If I kept seeing 667 00:35:29,280 --> 00:35:34,480 Speaker 1: those things as dangerous or like risky and separate, I 668 00:35:34,560 --> 00:35:37,160 Speaker 1: was not going to be able to melt and really 669 00:35:37,200 --> 00:35:40,120 Speaker 1: appreciate these moments because that's all we have at the 670 00:35:40,160 --> 00:35:45,120 Speaker 1: present moment. That is so true because I I have 671 00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:47,920 Speaker 1: myself faced a lot of loss in my life, and 672 00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:51,560 Speaker 1: I feel like I've become this hyper vigilant version of 673 00:35:51,600 --> 00:35:54,920 Speaker 1: myself because of that. Like when I'm you know, in 674 00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:57,839 Speaker 1: my within my relationship, for instance, I'm deeply in love 675 00:35:57,880 --> 00:36:01,120 Speaker 1: with my boyfriend, and that panics me versus you know 676 00:36:01,120 --> 00:36:04,160 Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Like instead of feeling like sometimes I 677 00:36:04,160 --> 00:36:07,160 Speaker 1: can just fully lean into it, I'll go, oh my god, 678 00:36:07,160 --> 00:36:09,440 Speaker 1: but this is wrong and this isn't perfect, and like 679 00:36:09,800 --> 00:36:11,799 Speaker 1: he does this and that could mean this, or I 680 00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:13,879 Speaker 1: did this in this relationship so that could mean that, 681 00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:17,520 Speaker 1: And you know, like over analyze all of it in 682 00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:20,440 Speaker 1: some aspects because I'm so scared of losing it. What 683 00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:23,120 Speaker 1: did you do with your grief? Like where is your 684 00:36:23,120 --> 00:36:25,840 Speaker 1: grief now? Does it sneak up on you still? Hell? No? 685 00:36:26,200 --> 00:36:29,200 Speaker 1: I have a practice, so I do thirty seconds of 686 00:36:29,239 --> 00:36:35,040 Speaker 1: grief meditation every day and it's very very helpful and um, 687 00:36:35,160 --> 00:36:37,800 Speaker 1: my friend Cassie taught it to me. It's really beautiful. 688 00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:41,719 Speaker 1: It just like helps you to experience grief. And there's 689 00:36:41,760 --> 00:36:44,400 Speaker 1: this there's this famous rabbi who said, if you don't 690 00:36:44,480 --> 00:36:48,520 Speaker 1: experience like ten minutes of deep pain and sorrow for 691 00:36:48,600 --> 00:36:52,440 Speaker 1: the world's like pain every day, then it'll creep, like 692 00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:54,880 Speaker 1: you said, creep up on you when it feels like 693 00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:59,880 Speaker 1: creeping up and um, an intentional grief practice allows me 694 00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:03,440 Speaker 1: to not pretend like I didn't have a life like 695 00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:05,719 Speaker 1: the one I had, and also be connected to what's 696 00:37:05,760 --> 00:37:08,600 Speaker 1: coming in this sense that I'm going to die, my 697 00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:11,319 Speaker 1: husband's gonna die, my daughter is gonna die. I mean, 698 00:37:11,560 --> 00:37:14,080 Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure she's gonna die after me. But that 699 00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:17,200 Speaker 1: doesn't matter for anyone else there has kids, like it's 700 00:37:17,239 --> 00:37:19,480 Speaker 1: horrifun to think that they're gonna ever die, or like, 701 00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:24,319 Speaker 1: beautiful baby, I cannot die, And so you know, I 702 00:37:24,400 --> 00:37:28,520 Speaker 1: just sit with those feelings and UM, and the grief 703 00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:31,040 Speaker 1: also about the things that I can't I cannot change 704 00:37:31,120 --> 00:37:34,240 Speaker 1: because I cannot change what's been happening in our country 705 00:37:34,280 --> 00:37:36,560 Speaker 1: for the last four years. I cannot change the fact 706 00:37:36,600 --> 00:37:39,479 Speaker 1: that I have cellulite. I cannot change that. I haven't 707 00:37:39,480 --> 00:37:42,439 Speaker 1: won a Grammy yet. Yeah, I just can't change those things. 708 00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:45,520 Speaker 1: And those things can make me grief stricken if I 709 00:37:45,600 --> 00:37:50,680 Speaker 1: don't practice grief as a beautiful opportunity. Grief is an opportunity. 710 00:37:50,719 --> 00:37:52,400 Speaker 1: I don't need to I don't need to be afraid 711 00:37:52,440 --> 00:37:56,439 Speaker 1: of it. Awarded off, you know that. Let's talk about 712 00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:58,799 Speaker 1: life now, because you mentioned, um, you don't have a 713 00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:02,080 Speaker 1: Grammy yet, and you this was another part of the 714 00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:04,160 Speaker 1: loss of maybe the beginning stages of your life as 715 00:38:04,239 --> 00:38:06,359 Speaker 1: you are a musician, as you said, and you had 716 00:38:06,360 --> 00:38:09,759 Speaker 1: a record deal very early on and lost that record deal. 717 00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:12,520 Speaker 1: Did you feel like when you got the deal, where 718 00:38:12,560 --> 00:38:15,839 Speaker 1: you like, this is it here I go, I am complete. 719 00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:21,759 Speaker 1: Life is happening. Yeah, I definitely did that. And what 720 00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:26,280 Speaker 1: did What actually happened? I turned into a junkie and 721 00:38:26,280 --> 00:38:29,000 Speaker 1: and I ended up like losing the record deal. I 722 00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:32,200 Speaker 1: ended up like traveling the country by myself, shaving my 723 00:38:32,239 --> 00:38:35,160 Speaker 1: head and selling CDs out of my book bag, and 724 00:38:35,280 --> 00:38:39,160 Speaker 1: like falling in love in every state that I lived in, um, 725 00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:42,760 Speaker 1: most especially San Francisco. That was really where I really 726 00:38:42,800 --> 00:38:46,120 Speaker 1: got my heartbroken. But I was just so in love 727 00:38:46,400 --> 00:38:51,560 Speaker 1: and so lost, so so so lost, and you know 728 00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:54,280 Speaker 1: it was just the beginning, you know, And I'm really grateful. 729 00:38:54,320 --> 00:38:58,080 Speaker 1: I'm grateful that I've been wrong so many times because 730 00:38:58,120 --> 00:39:01,480 Speaker 1: I think that being wrong is the most painful feeling 731 00:39:01,560 --> 00:39:04,799 Speaker 1: we have. And it's kind of like whenever I'm in 732 00:39:04,880 --> 00:39:09,200 Speaker 1: pain now, um, which happens, you know, as periodically, I'm 733 00:39:09,320 --> 00:39:13,080 Speaker 1: very like blessed with the beauty of pain making its 734 00:39:13,080 --> 00:39:15,960 Speaker 1: return over and over again in my life and constantly 735 00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:19,960 Speaker 1: re rebirthing me. But like as pain comes today, I'm 736 00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:24,600 Speaker 1: just like, Okay, where am I wrong? Like what what 737 00:39:24,760 --> 00:39:28,080 Speaker 1: am I miss? What am I not seeing properly? Because 738 00:39:28,120 --> 00:39:30,160 Speaker 1: I know that when I'm in a state of alignment, 739 00:39:30,520 --> 00:39:33,560 Speaker 1: there is no pain. Pain isn't actually a thing that 740 00:39:34,040 --> 00:39:37,399 Speaker 1: is included in alignment. However, it is included in the 741 00:39:37,400 --> 00:39:41,200 Speaker 1: Earth experience. It's it's here for a reason, and I 742 00:39:41,200 --> 00:39:43,520 Speaker 1: think it's a cue that we're just off. It's like, 743 00:39:43,960 --> 00:39:46,920 Speaker 1: you know operation where used to remove organs from that 744 00:39:46,960 --> 00:39:51,840 Speaker 1: little body, and it was like when you touch the wall, yeah, 745 00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:54,320 Speaker 1: that's kind of like pain. It's like, no, it's in there, 746 00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:57,400 Speaker 1: you can't touch the edge. Like this is how it works, 747 00:39:57,640 --> 00:40:01,240 Speaker 1: and it can you know it and feel never ending? 748 00:40:01,600 --> 00:40:04,000 Speaker 1: But I I just feel so grateful. I feel so 749 00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:07,320 Speaker 1: grateful for it. Well, so explain to people how music 750 00:40:07,480 --> 00:40:10,400 Speaker 1: is now tied into what you do with your meditation 751 00:40:10,440 --> 00:40:13,360 Speaker 1: practices and all of the other guide guiding that you 752 00:40:13,400 --> 00:40:17,879 Speaker 1: do with your clients. So I have a record out, 753 00:40:17,920 --> 00:40:19,920 Speaker 1: and I'm about to release a new record, which is 754 00:40:20,239 --> 00:40:23,240 Speaker 1: is a slow coming because of my producers like trapped 755 00:40:23,280 --> 00:40:28,279 Speaker 1: in quarantine. But um, but yeah whatever, So the record 756 00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:29,680 Speaker 1: is going to come out when it comes out. But 757 00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:32,040 Speaker 1: I just what I do is I put on these 758 00:40:32,120 --> 00:40:35,920 Speaker 1: huge mass experiences, um with thousands of people all over 759 00:40:35,960 --> 00:40:38,440 Speaker 1: the world to get commissioned to do or I do 760 00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:43,080 Speaker 1: on my own, and they're branded and everyone is coming 761 00:40:43,120 --> 00:40:45,359 Speaker 1: together to meditate, and I score the events with my 762 00:40:45,400 --> 00:40:48,719 Speaker 1: own music as well as performed the music live. And 763 00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:52,239 Speaker 1: generally speaking, my events are you know, fifty of the 764 00:40:52,239 --> 00:40:55,040 Speaker 1: audience will be weeping by the end of the experience. 765 00:40:55,040 --> 00:40:59,359 Speaker 1: So it's really like a culmination of culture, music, meditation, 766 00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:02,279 Speaker 1: and puck and roll, and it has this energy of 767 00:41:02,719 --> 00:41:06,080 Speaker 1: it's okay to bring those things together because I had 768 00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:08,800 Speaker 1: a real like a chip on my shoulder would be 769 00:41:08,880 --> 00:41:11,000 Speaker 1: one example. But I just I hated the way rock 770 00:41:11,040 --> 00:41:14,839 Speaker 1: shows felt. I don't understand why everyone's standing. I don't 771 00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:18,080 Speaker 1: understand why everyone's drunk. I don't understand why everyone's hitting 772 00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:21,440 Speaker 1: themselves over with Budweiser cans and like tripping on things, 773 00:41:21,560 --> 00:41:25,279 Speaker 1: and and it's just terrible. And I believe that, you know, 774 00:41:25,320 --> 00:41:28,680 Speaker 1: in my lifetime, there could be a future where rock 775 00:41:28,719 --> 00:41:31,960 Speaker 1: and roll experiences can be held with much more respect. 776 00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:35,080 Speaker 1: And to me, what that looked like was incorporating meditation, 777 00:41:35,800 --> 00:41:39,359 Speaker 1: I gazing and and a state of presence, like because 778 00:41:39,400 --> 00:41:42,640 Speaker 1: if your state of presence was what gave you the 779 00:41:43,600 --> 00:41:48,360 Speaker 1: uh not worthiness, but like the entry fee to actually 780 00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:50,759 Speaker 1: hear the music. Okay, we'll play the okay, funck. You 781 00:41:50,800 --> 00:41:52,520 Speaker 1: will play the music for you once you sit the 782 00:41:52,520 --> 00:41:55,600 Speaker 1: funk down and get into a present state, because that's 783 00:41:56,080 --> 00:41:59,040 Speaker 1: where your soul is gonna who's the music for? Is 784 00:41:59,080 --> 00:42:02,240 Speaker 1: it for like drunken body or is it for your soul? 785 00:42:02,280 --> 00:42:04,279 Speaker 1: Because if it's for your soul, then you've got to 786 00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:05,879 Speaker 1: do a couple of things to get into a state 787 00:42:05,880 --> 00:42:07,960 Speaker 1: where your soul can even eat some of this music. 788 00:42:08,320 --> 00:42:12,040 Speaker 1: So when you do these events, are people meditating collectively 789 00:42:13,080 --> 00:42:16,320 Speaker 1: and you're doing music? Yeah, but The way I guide 790 00:42:16,320 --> 00:42:18,480 Speaker 1: meditations is very rock and roll, So there's a lot 791 00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:21,879 Speaker 1: of screaming. There's wreck where people are fainting, like, people 792 00:42:21,920 --> 00:42:25,760 Speaker 1: are crying, people are eye gazing, like people are punching 793 00:42:25,760 --> 00:42:28,680 Speaker 1: in the air, shaking their hands, jumping like. It's not 794 00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:32,920 Speaker 1: all just sitting there pretending to being sent I actually 795 00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:35,719 Speaker 1: love that. One of the biggest battles I've had with 796 00:42:35,800 --> 00:42:38,319 Speaker 1: meditation is that sometimes my insights feel like they just 797 00:42:38,360 --> 00:42:41,280 Speaker 1: want to scream out, like I when I get still, 798 00:42:41,400 --> 00:42:43,279 Speaker 1: it's when I need to get the emotions out of 799 00:42:43,320 --> 00:42:46,480 Speaker 1: my body. If that makes sense. Oh, yeah, for sure. 800 00:42:46,520 --> 00:42:49,280 Speaker 1: It's not for everyone, and there's just as you become 801 00:42:49,320 --> 00:42:53,560 Speaker 1: a skilled meditator, you can incorporate that kind of meditation too, 802 00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:56,160 Speaker 1: because you're no longer resistant. But for some of us, 803 00:42:56,200 --> 00:42:58,399 Speaker 1: we have to go through the moving center to get 804 00:42:58,400 --> 00:43:00,920 Speaker 1: to that place, and we have to be cognizant of that. 805 00:43:01,040 --> 00:43:04,920 Speaker 1: Not everyone learns the same way. Not everyone wants to 806 00:43:04,920 --> 00:43:10,120 Speaker 1: sit in like a strict an hour, you know, of 807 00:43:10,200 --> 00:43:12,799 Speaker 1: not moving at all. Not that's not for everyone. Yeah, 808 00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:15,239 Speaker 1: that's actually been um kind of the journey I've been 809 00:43:15,280 --> 00:43:17,600 Speaker 1: in the past six months. As you know, because every 810 00:43:17,640 --> 00:43:22,760 Speaker 1: spiritual teacher that I speak to says, meditation, meditate, meditate, meditate, 811 00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:26,000 Speaker 1: you know, like that is the way to find a 812 00:43:26,080 --> 00:43:30,160 Speaker 1: spiritual connection, for some spiritual awakening, to find peace, to 813 00:43:30,200 --> 00:43:33,600 Speaker 1: turn it over all of those things. And um, I've 814 00:43:33,640 --> 00:43:37,239 Speaker 1: had to really figure out what type of meditation and 815 00:43:37,239 --> 00:43:39,920 Speaker 1: what kind of practice works for me, because what works 816 00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:42,680 Speaker 1: for me isn't necessarily what I have been told or 817 00:43:42,760 --> 00:43:44,960 Speaker 1: like taught, or what I see other people doing. I 818 00:43:45,040 --> 00:43:49,360 Speaker 1: just it does not register for me. Yes, you have 819 00:43:49,440 --> 00:43:51,759 Speaker 1: a book called Don't Just Sit There? Can you tell 820 00:43:51,800 --> 00:43:55,840 Speaker 1: us about the book? Yeah, I mean pretty much encapsulates 821 00:43:55,880 --> 00:43:58,520 Speaker 1: what you're saying, which is that it gives people a 822 00:43:58,560 --> 00:44:02,239 Speaker 1: different form of meditation, And um, it breaks down. It's 823 00:44:02,320 --> 00:44:03,920 Speaker 1: very much like a ptero deck in the sense that 824 00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:06,120 Speaker 1: you can really turn to any page and there's laws, 825 00:44:06,640 --> 00:44:09,600 Speaker 1: and each law will unravel something for you. So as 826 00:44:09,640 --> 00:44:12,000 Speaker 1: you read the law, you see how it applies in 827 00:44:12,040 --> 00:44:14,680 Speaker 1: your life, and then you become flee from it by 828 00:44:14,680 --> 00:44:18,440 Speaker 1: observing how it's kind of crippling you in your life, 829 00:44:19,000 --> 00:44:21,600 Speaker 1: and it gives you exercises. So each chapter gives you 830 00:44:21,640 --> 00:44:23,839 Speaker 1: a law, shows you how it's working with you, like 831 00:44:23,880 --> 00:44:26,239 Speaker 1: a cat with a mouse, and then it gives you 832 00:44:26,360 --> 00:44:30,560 Speaker 1: tools to um kind of unfunck yourself in these categories 833 00:44:31,360 --> 00:44:34,200 Speaker 1: and um and yeah, I think the book is is 834 00:44:34,320 --> 00:44:37,360 Speaker 1: very simple, it's funny, and it it also has some 835 00:44:37,440 --> 00:44:40,880 Speaker 1: stories from my insane life, which I think is important 836 00:44:40,920 --> 00:44:44,680 Speaker 1: because I feel like people soften when they hear a 837 00:44:44,840 --> 00:44:47,719 Speaker 1: human you know, like why why would you turn to 838 00:44:47,800 --> 00:44:51,560 Speaker 1: one spiritful feature versus another? Because they make you relax 839 00:44:51,760 --> 00:44:55,719 Speaker 1: because you feel like they hear they see you in 840 00:44:55,760 --> 00:44:59,280 Speaker 1: a way that you haven't been able to see yourself yet, 841 00:44:59,360 --> 00:45:01,799 Speaker 1: and that that is what a spiritual teacher does. They 842 00:45:01,840 --> 00:45:06,000 Speaker 1: like see you into you, seeing yourself. Do you feel 843 00:45:06,000 --> 00:45:10,200 Speaker 1: like you are fully living in line with your purpose? Yeah? 844 00:45:10,320 --> 00:45:12,719 Speaker 1: I think so. I think that it's hard because I'm 845 00:45:12,760 --> 00:45:16,920 Speaker 1: a really ambitious UM person and so like I have 846 00:45:17,200 --> 00:45:21,319 Speaker 1: dreams upon dreams that are even you know, higher, and 847 00:45:21,360 --> 00:45:24,799 Speaker 1: I think that's that's normal. Um. I used to think, oh, well, 848 00:45:24,800 --> 00:45:29,080 Speaker 1: then maybe I'm not yet, because like then i'd have 849 00:45:29,200 --> 00:45:32,000 Speaker 1: that evidence and that evidence and I'd have like you know, 850 00:45:32,120 --> 00:45:34,480 Speaker 1: fucking tennis quote or whatever, like I don't know like 851 00:45:34,560 --> 00:45:37,440 Speaker 1: what it is I think would happen that would finally 852 00:45:37,520 --> 00:45:40,359 Speaker 1: prove that I am sitting in my purpose but I 853 00:45:40,400 --> 00:45:42,840 Speaker 1: think that, Um, not only am I living in my purpose, 854 00:45:42,880 --> 00:45:44,759 Speaker 1: but I think I was living in my purpose when 855 00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:48,399 Speaker 1: I was three, And you know, like I don't have 856 00:45:48,520 --> 00:45:52,120 Speaker 1: to do anything to prove that to the world. And 857 00:45:52,160 --> 00:45:55,040 Speaker 1: that's different, you know, do you can you look back 858 00:45:55,080 --> 00:45:58,400 Speaker 1: at the struggles the loss of their record deal, for instance, 859 00:45:58,440 --> 00:46:01,560 Speaker 1: and now obviously you tie your music into this meditation 860 00:46:01,600 --> 00:46:03,560 Speaker 1: in a in a way that I've never seen before, 861 00:46:03,640 --> 00:46:07,520 Speaker 1: and it's very inventive and new. Do you feel very 862 00:46:07,640 --> 00:46:10,640 Speaker 1: satisfied in that going No, see, that wasn't the right 863 00:46:10,640 --> 00:46:14,360 Speaker 1: path and here I am now able to expose something 864 00:46:14,400 --> 00:46:19,600 Speaker 1: completely new, exciting and helpful to people. Does that feel 865 00:46:19,680 --> 00:46:23,160 Speaker 1: like do you find a lot of contentment within that? Oh? Yeah, 866 00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:27,959 Speaker 1: I don't regret anything. Like every mistake, every horrible like 867 00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:33,560 Speaker 1: everyone I ever had sex with, every terrible relationship, every 868 00:46:33,800 --> 00:46:38,520 Speaker 1: the failure I've ever had. I'm so like stoked because 869 00:46:38,520 --> 00:46:41,400 Speaker 1: it got into the place you are now. Yeah, and 870 00:46:41,440 --> 00:46:44,560 Speaker 1: also like this it's it's happening now too, you know, 871 00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:47,600 Speaker 1: Like I remember, like a year or two ago, I 872 00:46:47,640 --> 00:46:50,319 Speaker 1: had this gig. I was gonna do this huge mass 873 00:46:50,360 --> 00:46:53,279 Speaker 1: meditation for like I don't know, ten thousand people at 874 00:46:53,320 --> 00:46:55,840 Speaker 1: Madison Square Garden. It was this huge deal and I 875 00:46:55,880 --> 00:46:57,719 Speaker 1: was getting paid for it. It was a big thing. 876 00:46:57,800 --> 00:47:00,560 Speaker 1: It was really it felt like the next step of 877 00:47:00,600 --> 00:47:04,080 Speaker 1: my career. Blah blah blah. And I knew something was off. 878 00:47:04,160 --> 00:47:07,360 Speaker 1: I was like, these people are gonna something's off, like 879 00:47:07,360 --> 00:47:09,440 Speaker 1: they're going to drop the ball on this, you know. 880 00:47:10,120 --> 00:47:12,360 Speaker 1: And I remember I was in l A, which the 881 00:47:12,400 --> 00:47:13,960 Speaker 1: event was obviously in New York, and I was about 882 00:47:13,960 --> 00:47:15,480 Speaker 1: to go back to New York to do the event. 883 00:47:15,640 --> 00:47:17,200 Speaker 1: And it was two weeks before the event, and I 884 00:47:17,200 --> 00:47:19,920 Speaker 1: was in l A doing some work stuff, some podcasts, whatever, 885 00:47:20,480 --> 00:47:23,759 Speaker 1: and I got the email that they were canceling me 886 00:47:24,520 --> 00:47:29,239 Speaker 1: from the event, and I just I was in such 887 00:47:29,280 --> 00:47:31,080 Speaker 1: a state of you know, like I was in the 888 00:47:31,200 --> 00:47:33,319 Speaker 1: enlightenment part of the Enlightenment. We all, I wasn't in 889 00:47:33,360 --> 00:47:37,000 Speaker 1: the achievement of humility enlightenment part. And I was like, 890 00:47:37,719 --> 00:47:40,560 Speaker 1: that's fine, like cancel me, because I know this is 891 00:47:40,640 --> 00:47:43,080 Speaker 1: I could feel it breaking my heart, like I could 892 00:47:43,160 --> 00:47:45,960 Speaker 1: feel like my dreams being crushed and like the pain. 893 00:47:46,680 --> 00:47:48,880 Speaker 1: But because I was in a state of enlightenment while 894 00:47:49,000 --> 00:47:52,960 Speaker 1: that was happening, I was like, oh wow, the crushing 895 00:47:53,040 --> 00:47:57,400 Speaker 1: of my trains. What a powerful force like I was 896 00:47:57,680 --> 00:48:00,080 Speaker 1: into it almost. I was like, yeah, do you it 897 00:48:00,200 --> 00:48:03,880 Speaker 1: break it, break my heart, you know. And then I 898 00:48:04,000 --> 00:48:07,200 Speaker 1: emailed them some crazy email that was like, I am 899 00:48:07,239 --> 00:48:11,360 Speaker 1: so grateful that you are canceling me because I've never 900 00:48:11,400 --> 00:48:14,200 Speaker 1: wanted anything more than to do this event and the 901 00:48:14,239 --> 00:48:16,799 Speaker 1: fact that you are breaking my heart like this is 902 00:48:16,840 --> 00:48:20,160 Speaker 1: only evidence that I'm on my way to fulfilling my 903 00:48:20,239 --> 00:48:26,359 Speaker 1: life stream. And if not now, then soon. They were like, 904 00:48:26,480 --> 00:48:30,680 Speaker 1: We've never met anyone as like dignified and amazing as you. 905 00:48:31,000 --> 00:48:34,160 Speaker 1: Thank you for being so understanding or like touch that 906 00:48:34,200 --> 00:48:36,720 Speaker 1: you're so And I was like, and if anything changes, 907 00:48:36,960 --> 00:48:40,080 Speaker 1: like please let me know. I will be ready and 908 00:48:40,120 --> 00:48:42,400 Speaker 1: I'll be on the next plane to New York City 909 00:48:42,480 --> 00:48:46,719 Speaker 1: to do my job like I was just And then 910 00:48:46,760 --> 00:48:48,319 Speaker 1: I was walking around l A like looking at the 911 00:48:48,320 --> 00:48:50,719 Speaker 1: cactuses in the palm trees, like tripping, you know, like 912 00:48:50,800 --> 00:48:55,759 Speaker 1: literally tripping because to face life's tragedies and like downfalls 913 00:48:56,120 --> 00:48:58,879 Speaker 1: now not like oh, ten years ago when I lost 914 00:48:58,920 --> 00:49:01,000 Speaker 1: my record, you know record feel and that sucked and 915 00:49:01,040 --> 00:49:02,640 Speaker 1: now I get and now I get it because I 916 00:49:02,640 --> 00:49:05,000 Speaker 1: have this amazing career, not then, but to have that 917 00:49:05,040 --> 00:49:09,280 Speaker 1: recognition boom, like right today when you're having the pain happen. 918 00:49:10,120 --> 00:49:14,320 Speaker 1: That's kind of a trippy thing. I love that you 919 00:49:14,400 --> 00:49:16,560 Speaker 1: have found the success you have now. And I was 920 00:49:16,600 --> 00:49:19,200 Speaker 1: reading a bunch of stuff on your I think this 921 00:49:19,280 --> 00:49:21,200 Speaker 1: was your website as well, but you and I saw 922 00:49:21,239 --> 00:49:23,879 Speaker 1: it in another article you had done where you talk 923 00:49:24,000 --> 00:49:27,640 Speaker 1: about the relationship with women and money, and I think 924 00:49:27,640 --> 00:49:30,120 Speaker 1: that that is such an important conversation. I loved what 925 00:49:30,160 --> 00:49:34,320 Speaker 1: you said. Can you answer the question what should women 926 00:49:34,400 --> 00:49:40,080 Speaker 1: know about money? Mm? Hmm? Did did I answer that? 927 00:49:40,200 --> 00:49:42,880 Speaker 1: Or you did? You did answer that, but I wanted to. 928 00:49:42,920 --> 00:49:45,439 Speaker 1: I want you to tell the listeners the part that 929 00:49:45,800 --> 00:49:47,480 Speaker 1: you said. I saw this on your website. I was 930 00:49:47,480 --> 00:49:50,880 Speaker 1: in a video. Yeah, I remember I asked you about 931 00:49:51,280 --> 00:49:55,520 Speaker 1: charging charging your worth just kind of you know, I 932 00:49:55,560 --> 00:49:57,640 Speaker 1: think that women have a hard time. They're always like, 933 00:49:57,840 --> 00:50:00,960 Speaker 1: it's very common for women to say, hey, a eye 934 00:50:01,080 --> 00:50:05,640 Speaker 1: cost you know, this amount of thousands of dollars, right, 935 00:50:06,040 --> 00:50:09,080 Speaker 1: and then be like, but if you don't have that, yes, 936 00:50:09,239 --> 00:50:12,040 Speaker 1: like I'm willing to negotiate, and also like we can 937 00:50:12,080 --> 00:50:15,000 Speaker 1: work something out and please don't worry. And it's kind 938 00:50:15,000 --> 00:50:17,680 Speaker 1: of like, what, like, what was it? What was all 939 00:50:17,680 --> 00:50:19,920 Speaker 1: that bullshit? You just said after you named your price, 940 00:50:20,000 --> 00:50:23,120 Speaker 1: like it's just a price, it doesn't mean anything, like 941 00:50:23,239 --> 00:50:25,759 Speaker 1: calm down, take a breath, say the number, and call 942 00:50:25,840 --> 00:50:27,560 Speaker 1: it a day, and if they want it, they'll pay 943 00:50:27,600 --> 00:50:30,920 Speaker 1: for that. Right. Well, I think that's hard a lot 944 00:50:30,960 --> 00:50:34,279 Speaker 1: in a creative field. And and also like I love 945 00:50:34,320 --> 00:50:37,560 Speaker 1: to just the idea of analyzing from a spiritual perspective, 946 00:50:38,040 --> 00:50:42,440 Speaker 1: the shame we might put around monetizing our gifts or 947 00:50:42,480 --> 00:50:45,560 Speaker 1: the things that we do our spiritual practices, you know, 948 00:50:45,600 --> 00:50:48,160 Speaker 1: like the tie there where you might go. But am 949 00:50:48,160 --> 00:50:51,560 Speaker 1: I using this for the right reasons? Or is it 950 00:50:51,600 --> 00:50:55,080 Speaker 1: okay to ask for a fee for these services because 951 00:50:55,080 --> 00:50:57,640 Speaker 1: I'm actually just helping people and things like that. And 952 00:50:57,680 --> 00:50:59,600 Speaker 1: I've never thought about it that way until I read 953 00:50:59,640 --> 00:51:03,120 Speaker 1: what you were saying about it. M hm, So I 954 00:51:03,120 --> 00:51:06,000 Speaker 1: thought that was really interesting. Well, the book is called 955 00:51:06,080 --> 00:51:09,080 Speaker 1: don't just sit there. Um. You can also find your 956 00:51:09,200 --> 00:51:12,040 Speaker 1: music everywhere, and I actually saw that on your website 957 00:51:12,080 --> 00:51:15,279 Speaker 1: you have um some meditations with your music as well. 958 00:51:15,600 --> 00:51:19,520 Speaker 1: Where else can people find you? I think Instagram is 959 00:51:19,520 --> 00:51:22,000 Speaker 1: a really great place to find me. Um, I'm at 960 00:51:22,040 --> 00:51:25,719 Speaker 1: guided by Baette and I you know, there's places. I 961 00:51:25,719 --> 00:51:28,319 Speaker 1: think the book is also like a super like just 962 00:51:28,440 --> 00:51:31,719 Speaker 1: having that it's a handbook for life, and and you 963 00:51:31,719 --> 00:51:34,120 Speaker 1: can read it forever because it's just forty four laws 964 00:51:34,160 --> 00:51:36,040 Speaker 1: and you can just read them over and over again, 965 00:51:36,080 --> 00:51:38,480 Speaker 1: because the good and bad news is that the law 966 00:51:38,520 --> 00:51:41,400 Speaker 1: has never really stopped operating. Like I could read my 967 00:51:41,480 --> 00:51:44,360 Speaker 1: own book now and be like, oh, girl, you should 968 00:51:44,360 --> 00:51:46,160 Speaker 1: take that advice, you know what I mean, Like it'd 969 00:51:46,160 --> 00:51:49,239 Speaker 1: still be and even though it's my advice, Like I'd 970 00:51:49,239 --> 00:51:53,760 Speaker 1: be like, oh, that's helpful. What is your Instagram handle? 971 00:51:53,760 --> 00:51:57,920 Speaker 1: It's guided by baette yes, and it's b I E 972 00:51:58,040 --> 00:52:00,520 Speaker 1: T for anyone listening. What is the um? What is 973 00:52:00,520 --> 00:52:04,799 Speaker 1: your website? It's guided by bat dot com, guided by 974 00:52:04,840 --> 00:52:08,160 Speaker 1: biat dot com. The book is again, don't just sit there. 975 00:52:08,200 --> 00:52:11,760 Speaker 1: I'm actually gonna go order it right now. It sounds 976 00:52:11,880 --> 00:52:14,000 Speaker 1: very helpful. Thank you so much for being here and 977 00:52:14,040 --> 00:52:17,440 Speaker 1: sharing your story with all of us today. Thank you 978 00:52:17,719 --> 00:52:20,279 Speaker 1: so much, such such a joy being together. I just 979 00:52:20,320 --> 00:52:23,360 Speaker 1: adore you same. We will have to do this again, 980 00:52:23,400 --> 00:52:25,719 Speaker 1: you guys, go check out the book. Don't just sit there, 981 00:52:25,800 --> 00:52:28,840 Speaker 1: And you can find Beat on Instagram at guided by BIET. 982 00:52:29,280 --> 00:52:33,480 Speaker 1: There's lots of helpful insights there and just quotes thanks 983 00:52:33,520 --> 00:52:35,680 Speaker 1: to get you through the day. I've really enjoyed following you. 984 00:52:36,120 --> 00:52:38,160 Speaker 1: Thank you again, and thank you guys for listening.