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Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dom here. If you like this

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Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me

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Speaker 1: tell you about the free platform Anchor. It's a creation

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Speaker 1: from Spotify and create any type of content that you

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Speaker 1: are looking for. Anchor will distribute it all for you

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Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more.

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Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot

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Speaker 1: fm to get started.

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Speaker 2: Thank you.

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Speaker 3: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 2: I played games.

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Speaker 4: I was just like, yo, if I'm in a relationship

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Speaker 4: like you're gonna fall harder than me. I am not

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Speaker 4: going to be all in this. I'm gonna play with

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Speaker 4: your emotions because I want to make sure I don't

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Speaker 4: get pleased. It's like this, like you said, cat and

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Speaker 4: mouse for real and then also like communication with so

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Speaker 4: poor and I noticed that the more that I became

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Speaker 4: a better person individually, like not for anyone else before myself,

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Speaker 4: it allowed me to be a better partner.

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Speaker 3: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 3: or a fresh perspective. If you have any aha moments

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Speaker 3: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a

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Speaker 3: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also,

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Speaker 3: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe

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Speaker 3: on iTunes and visit cultivatingheirspace dot com to access our

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Speaker 3: exclusive after show and other bonus content from the Patreon tab.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 1: women like you. We're your hosts, Doctor Dominique Bussard, a

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Speaker 1: college professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 4: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a

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Speaker 4: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please

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Speaker 4: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 4: five roids to fake friends, and create a safe space

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Speaker 4: where black women can just be.

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Speaker 1: Hey, Lady's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.

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Speaker 1: Do you have a burning question you're dying to get

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Speaker 1: feedback on. Do you want an unbiased perspective on a

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Speaker 1: situation you're facing. If so, visit cultivatinghirspace dot com and

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Speaker 1: click ask Doctor dom under the start here option. Every Tuesday,

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Speaker 1: I'll choose a few questions and answer them at random

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Speaker 1: our quote of the day in order to maintain a

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Speaker 1: positive and secure relationship and to become a better partner,

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Speaker 1: one should focus on becoming a better person. That quote

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Speaker 1: comes to us from Shamirah Howard Blackburn, sex and relationships therapist. Now, lady,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna say that one more time for the people

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Speaker 1: in the back, because I think this is a good one.

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Speaker 1: In order to maintain a positive and secure relationship and

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Speaker 1: to become a better partner, one should focus on becoming

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Speaker 1: a better person.

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Speaker 2: Tea.

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Speaker 5: When you hear that quote, what comes up for you? You

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Speaker 5: know what?

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Speaker 4: Don When I hear that quote, it makes me think

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Speaker 4: about the way that I used to think about relationships

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Speaker 4: and the way that I think many of us have

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Speaker 4: thought about them. Where you are looking for what the

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Speaker 4: other person brings to the table, right, You're very much

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Speaker 4: into their attributes and why they're a good fit, why

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Speaker 4: they may not be a good fit, why they're a

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Speaker 4: good partner, why they might be a bad partner. And

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Speaker 4: I think that this is sort of reframing that conversation

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Speaker 4: and putting it back on us, which is how I

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Speaker 4: think it's supposed to be.

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Speaker 5: Right, Yeah, I would agree.

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Speaker 1: I think that it truly is about self like when

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Speaker 1: we focus on being our best self. Then if we're single,

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Speaker 1: we will attract healthy people. Right if we're in a relationship,

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Speaker 1: then we are able to grow and flourish with our

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Speaker 1: partner because we are being our best version of ourselves.

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Speaker 2: Mm hmmm, that's really good.

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Speaker 4: It just has my mind thinking about different relationships I've

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Speaker 4: been in the past, or different situationships, and a lot

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Speaker 4: of it has to do with how I thought about myself,

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Speaker 4: how I treated myself and how I viewed myself. And

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Speaker 4: I'm thinking about the situations in particular where I put

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Speaker 4: up with some bs or it was like a toxic situation,

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Speaker 4: and I'm like, oh wow, it's very easy to point

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Speaker 4: the finger at the other person and say this person

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Speaker 4: did that, this person did that that. I have to

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Speaker 4: have an honest conversation with me and think, okay, well,

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Speaker 4: how were they able to do that? Did I allow

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Speaker 4: them to do that? And most of the times it's like, yeah,

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Speaker 4: my self esteem was low, and you know, I showed

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Speaker 4: up in a certain way, and so it just it

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Speaker 4: makes me think about a lot. I thought, there's so

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Speaker 4: many emotions and feelings that come around this topic, and

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Speaker 4: I'd love to know your thoughts don on this I

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Speaker 4: guess correlation between how we treat ourselves and how we

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Speaker 4: treat others and then also how we're treated by others.

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Speaker 2: Right, do you think there's a correlation there?

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Speaker 1: Oh, definitely I think that so well, Okay. One thing

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Speaker 1: I do want to make clear is that I think

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Speaker 1: about folks who are in situations where they're experiencing intimate

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Speaker 1: partner violence, and I want to be clear that we're

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Speaker 1: not speaking to those folks in this conversation, right, that

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Speaker 1: that is a different area in terms of looking at

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Speaker 1: relationship dynamics. Once there's physical violence that enters into the relationship, again,

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Speaker 1: that's a whole different dynamic, and that's not our focus

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Speaker 1: for today's conversation. So I think about how we each

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Speaker 1: approach relationships and the messaging that we received about relationships

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Speaker 1: and who we are in those moments, what we may

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Speaker 1: be going through in life, how that impacts how we

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Speaker 1: show up in a relationship. I think about like past

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Speaker 1: relationships that I've been in and recognizing that there were

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Speaker 1: times where I was not in a space to receive

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Speaker 1: someone who wanted to really have a true partnership and.

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Speaker 2: Grow.

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Speaker 1: I also think about relationships situationships guys that I've dated

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Speaker 1: where they were looking, they let me back up. They

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Speaker 1: may not have necessarily been looking, but their presentation, their

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Speaker 1: sense of self in the moment was one that needed caring.

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Speaker 1: And I was drawn to that because I am a

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Speaker 1: giver and wanting to heal and fix and so instead

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Speaker 1: of focusing on myself and growing myself in those relationships,

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Speaker 1: I focused on how can I help heal and fix them.

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Speaker 1: The reality is that that has not how relationships work right,

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Speaker 1: and hence none of those relationships worked out.

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Speaker 4: Okay, now you got me all curious. I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 4: I have questions. So when you because I've definitely been

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Speaker 4: there too, where you see someone maybe they have potential

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Speaker 4: or there's a certain aspect about them that you really

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Speaker 4: click with, and so you're like, oh, well the other

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Speaker 4: things I can just kind of help them with that,

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Speaker 4: you know, with that stuff, so they can be better.

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Speaker 4: When you're in a situation where we sort of take

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Speaker 4: on this with caretaker be the right role or the

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Speaker 4: caretaker role? Do you find that when we are in

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Speaker 4: those situations where we are the caretaker and we are

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Speaker 4: accommodating and really just sort of growing this person, like

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Speaker 4: helping this person grow and really putting our attention there.

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Speaker 4: Do you think that we end up getting the short

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Speaker 4: end of the stick in those situations like we're now

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Speaker 4: something because they aren't bringing it.

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Speaker 2: To the table.

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Speaker 4: Like, what do you think about those dynamics, because it

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Speaker 4: sounds like depending on how we show up and like

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Speaker 4: people are different people with different people, right, Like, depending

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Speaker 4: on how I show up in a relationship, it could

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Speaker 4: potentially bring out certain aspects of someone. So I'm thinking

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Speaker 4: about if someone sees you or me or whoever and

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Speaker 4: they're like, oh this person, I can I get this

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Speaker 4: caretaker vibe like they want to help me, they want

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Speaker 4: to take care of me. Shit, I'm a chill and

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Speaker 4: I'm gonna just let them do their thing because that's

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Speaker 4: how they're showing up. So I'm gonna switch my actions

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Speaker 4: based on this dynamic.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, I think that that can happen.

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Speaker 1: I think that also what can happen is that person

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Speaker 1: may not want that, right And so then there comes

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Speaker 1: this resistance of I'm not asking you to fix me.

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Speaker 1: I'm not asking you to heal me, to be a

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Speaker 1: caretaker for me.

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Speaker 6: Tee, Okay, I'm not trying to interrupt the show. What

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Speaker 6: I had this end of my idea I want to

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Speaker 6: share with you, and I don't want to forget it.

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Speaker 2: Tell me, tell me what is it?

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Speaker 5: Okay?

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Speaker 6: So you know how at the start of every New Year, Birthday,

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Speaker 6: new Moon, anniversary, new month, knew Anything, people find themselves

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Speaker 6: wanted to have a reset, but they're not sure where

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Speaker 6: to start.

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Speaker 2: I sure do What are you thinking?

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Speaker 5: What if we.

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Speaker 6: Hosted a workshop where we could interact with our listeners

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Speaker 6: to talk about stuff like self care and self love,

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Speaker 6: oh and g.

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Speaker 4: And we could even have a session about manifestation, leaving

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Speaker 4: toxic relationships and becoming our best selves.

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Speaker 2: Girl, I am so excited. I'm sold. We could call

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Speaker 2: it the Vibrate Higher Empowerment Workshop.

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Speaker 6: Yes, yes, that is it. And we could even host

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Speaker 6: a live quarterly wind down to check in and build

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Speaker 6: community as we vibrate higher all year.

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Speaker 2: Oh I love.

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Speaker 5: It, I love it.

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Speaker 2: I'm so let's do it.

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Speaker 5: Lady.

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Speaker 4: If this sounds like fun to you, visit new Year

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Speaker 4: Workshop dot com and join us for the Vibrate Higher

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Speaker 4: Empowerment Workshop. If you want to release baggage, set intentions,

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Speaker 4: and manifest the like you desire, this is just for you, lady.

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Speaker 6: That's New Year Workshop dot com we can't wait to

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Speaker 6: connect with you.

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Speaker 1: So I'm gonna push back against everything that you're bringing

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Speaker 1: to the table. And if that is how you view yourself,

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Speaker 1: if your sense of self is tied to caring for others,

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Speaker 1: then when this other person is saying no, that's not

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Speaker 1: what I need, what are you left with as an individual?

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Speaker 1: If you don't know yourself outside of that role, right,

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Speaker 1: that's good. So then you're kind of stuck, right because

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Speaker 1: then you're trying to figure out, well, then who am I?

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Speaker 5: And then you.

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Speaker 1: May be resistant to not being in that role, which

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Speaker 1: may cause you to act out, and acting out doesn't

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Speaker 1: necessarily mean a bad thing. Acting out means you are

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Speaker 1: not presenting in your normal way, right, So it becomes

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Speaker 1: this dance you try to help this person holds their

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Speaker 1: boundary or they push back, and then you may retreat

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Speaker 1: and withdraw and the other person may be like trying

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Speaker 1: to come closer, but they're not coming closer in a

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Speaker 1: way that you want, so you become resistant and you

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Speaker 1: pull back even more, and it just becomes this continuous

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Speaker 1: cycle of almost kind of not necessarily cat and mouse,

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Speaker 1: but kind of like that.

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Speaker 5: If that makes if that analogy that visual makes sense.

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Speaker 4: It does, And relationships they're so complex. As you said that,

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Speaker 4: I'm just thinking, like, damn, relationships can be so complex.

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Speaker 4: But there are a few things that come to mind

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Speaker 4: when you say that.

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Speaker 3: Down.

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Speaker 2: One is that I think that sometimes I don't know.

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Speaker 4: I found that sometimes married folk or folks that have

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Speaker 4: found their person, I want to say, they tend to

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Speaker 4: sometimes have this or share this notion of like, oh,

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Speaker 4: you have to be evolved and you have to be

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Speaker 4: this perfect person before you find your one. I don't

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Speaker 4: think that's necessarily the case. I do think that when

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Speaker 4: it comes to like what does it mean to be

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Speaker 4: a better person? Right, I think that all of this

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Speaker 4: work begins within, it all begins with self. Like there's

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Speaker 4: so much, like we said earlier, so much conversation around

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Speaker 4: finding mister right or MSUs right and finding the right partner.

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Speaker 4: But it's like, are you the right partner? Have you

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Speaker 4: become who you want to attract?

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Speaker 2: Right?

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Speaker 4: Because you're talking about you want to attract this person

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Speaker 4: that has a good job and they're you know, they're secure,

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Speaker 4: they're confident of this and that, Well, my love is

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Speaker 4: that you because we are who we attract, right, So

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Speaker 4: if you're not becoming who you want to be with.

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Speaker 4: Then it might be kind of hard to attract that

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Speaker 4: person because imagine what do they want?

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Speaker 2: Right?

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Speaker 4: In most cases, they're going to want someone that has

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Speaker 4: those same attributes. And so when I know, when I

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Speaker 4: think about what does it mean to be a good

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Speaker 4: or a better person, I think of becoming my best self? Right,

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Speaker 4: So really going within and sometimes it includes working on

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Speaker 4: some of that trauma healing. I had a lot of

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Speaker 4: healing to do, and I wasn't perfect when I got

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Speaker 4: married or anything like that, but I had worked through

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Speaker 4: a lot of stuff. I have evolved and I am

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Speaker 4: continuing to evolve because this journey doesn't stop, right, It's

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Speaker 4: an evolution journey through life. But I remember we talked

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Speaker 4: about this in our episode about our personal toxic traits.

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Speaker 4: Remember that episode, and I remember talking about how I

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Speaker 4: was like I played games. I was just like, yo,

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Speaker 4: if I'm in a relationship, like you're gonna fall harder

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Speaker 4: than me. I am not going to be all in this.

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Speaker 4: I'm going to play with your emotions because I want

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Speaker 4: to make sure I don't get pleased. It's like this,

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Speaker 4: like you said, cat and mouse for real? And then

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Speaker 4: also like communication was so poor, and I noticed that

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Speaker 4: the more that I became a better person individually, like,

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Speaker 4: not for anyone else, but for myself, it allowed me

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Speaker 4: to be.

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Speaker 5: A better partner exactly.

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Speaker 1: I think that is the key, right that that's what

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Speaker 1: we would all want to strive for in a relationship.

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Speaker 1: That recognizing that as you become a better partner, the

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Speaker 1: hope is that the relationship grows, the relationship thrives. I

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Speaker 1: will note though, that just because you, as an individual

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Speaker 1: are working on self does not mean that your partner

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Speaker 1: is working on their self right, does not mean that

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Speaker 1: your partner is going to evolve with you. And I

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Speaker 1: think sometimes that can be a hard pill for folks

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Speaker 1: to swallow, is to recognize that, oh, wait, I'm doing

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Speaker 1: all this work on me, which is great, fabulous and fantastic,

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Speaker 1: that's exactly what we want. But then it becomes a hurtful,

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Speaker 1: painful experience when as we're growing, our partner is not

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Speaker 1: growing at all, And so then there becomes a shift

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Speaker 1: in the dynamic of the relationship because one person is

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Speaker 1: moving and the other person is staying stagnant. I think

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Speaker 1: oftentimes that can become a trap or a setback for

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Speaker 1: the person who's focused on growing, because then that may

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Speaker 1: cause them to question themselves.

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Speaker 5: And what I would like to encourage is for us.

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Speaker 1: To recognize that, you know, we've said it before, that

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Speaker 1: everyone is not meant to accompany you on your journey,

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Speaker 1: and as you're continuing to grow and evolve, there are

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Speaker 1: going to be people, including the person you were in

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Speaker 1: a relationship with, who may fall off because your growth

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Speaker 1: isn't matching with their growth.

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Speaker 2: There's so much there. Okay, a few things that came

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Speaker 2: to mind.

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Speaker 4: Down One, I think this conversation around partnership can go

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Speaker 4: for friends and your intimate relationships. Okay, So I used

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Speaker 4: to think that people around me, especially they had to

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Speaker 4: like grow at my rate. They had to be into

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Speaker 4: the things that I was into. So now that I'm

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Speaker 4: like more into spirituality and just diving into certain things,

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Speaker 4: it's like, oh, hey, you guys got to come along

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Speaker 4: with me. But I've learned that everyone does really have

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Speaker 4: their own path, and so sometimes you may I think

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Speaker 4: there are situations down where it's right, you're with someone

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Speaker 4: and you are growing, like you're very much dedicated to

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Speaker 4: your personal growth journey. Right, so maybe you're working on

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Speaker 4: healing your trauma. Maybe you're working on your communication. Maybe

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Speaker 4: you're working on just evolving to a better version of yourself,

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Speaker 4: and like you have these new evolved values and whatever, right,

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Speaker 4: and your partner maybe they're not supportive of that.

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Speaker 1: Right.

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Speaker 4: You could have various scenarios, but maybe they're not supportive.

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Speaker 4: Maybe they have no interest or desire even though you

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Speaker 4: share those things with them, and you can clearly see

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Speaker 4: if I'm going this way and you're going this way,

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Speaker 4: this relationship, it's probably not going to last long, right,

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Speaker 4: Or if it does, it might be one of those

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Speaker 4: situations where we're just in the relationship because it's become

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Speaker 4: a routine and now it's kind of mundane and like

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Speaker 4: we got the kids, we got the bills, we're just

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Speaker 4: kind of doing this shit just because.

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 4: It could be something like that. But I think there's

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Speaker 4: also situations where maybe you are evolving and your partner

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Speaker 4: they're evolving, but they're involving in other areas. But then

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Speaker 4: you come together to have conversations about the things that

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Speaker 4: you are interested in and how you're evolving and share

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Speaker 4: those with one another. And it doesn't mean the other

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Speaker 4: person has to evolve at your rape, but maybe they're

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Speaker 4: open to some of the changes that you have. So's

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Speaker 4: I'm going to use communication because that has always been

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Speaker 4: like my thing, and I'm so proud of myself. Now

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Speaker 4: I've evolved so much because I used to be like

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Speaker 4: below the line. I used to just be very immature

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Speaker 4: communicator and I am not all the way there, but

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Speaker 4: like I have come a long way. And so I

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Speaker 4: think about, you know, if you have evolved communication wise,

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Speaker 4: and maybe you went from you know, calling people hood

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Speaker 4: rats and cussing them out and just going in and

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Speaker 4: you know what I mean, like you raise your voice,

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Speaker 4: you might get I mean you I don't know, you

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Speaker 4: might just all out all that. And now you've learned

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Speaker 4: to like use your words, You've learned to do deep threats.

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Speaker 4: You've learned to like, you know, not shoot below the

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Speaker 4: belt or go below the belt and not name call.

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Speaker 4: And maybe your partner might be still into those things,

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Speaker 4: but maybe you usher them into this new way that

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Speaker 4: you're doing things. And so now you both are evolving together.

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Speaker 4: I think that's a possibility too, because I know we've

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Speaker 4: talked about outgrowing people before, and I think you really

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Speaker 4: have to think about your situation, like am I outgrowing

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Speaker 4: this person?

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Speaker 2: Or is there a possibility for us to do it together. Right.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that that's important, right because again I

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Speaker 1: think as we grow, everyone isn't meant to be on

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Speaker 1: the journey with us. And like you pointed out, it

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean that because they're not growing, that it's an

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Speaker 1: automatic end. Right to me, it's about information. We look

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Speaker 1: at it as a moment to pause and reflect and

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Speaker 1: to say, Okay, here is where I am. I see

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Speaker 1: that I am changing, I'm evolving. My partner is stagnant.

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Speaker 1: Like you said, this is this big comes like a

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Speaker 1: fork in the road. Are we going to use this

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Speaker 1: opportunity to advance the relationship, like let the relationship evolve

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Speaker 1: or does this mean that we do have to go

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Speaker 1: our separate ways because the rate at which I'm growing

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Speaker 1: or how I'm growing or what I'm growing in now

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Speaker 1: makes me incompatible with this partner. And I want to

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Speaker 1: be clear that that doesn't mean that your partner is

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Speaker 1: a bad person, right. I think that there are a

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Speaker 1: lot of times and this is human nature. This is

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Speaker 1: about ego protection, right that when we are in relationships

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Speaker 1: and we feel hurt or we see that there's things

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Speaker 1: aren't working out, it is easy for us to build

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Speaker 1: and eye the other person because that protects our ego, right,

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Speaker 1: And I think that what we want to remember here

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Speaker 1: is that in our growth, just because our partner might

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Speaker 1: not be growing with us, or they may be stagnant,

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Speaker 1: does not make them a bad person, because again, every

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Speaker 1: person has their.

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Speaker 5: Own journey.

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Speaker 1: And we can't force our partner to come along with us.

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Speaker 1: We can hope that they will, but we can't force it.

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Speaker 1: And so really, truly the focus is about self and

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Speaker 1: this doesn't make us selfish and a negative connotation. When

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Speaker 1: we focus on self to grow, hopefully, what that does

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Speaker 1: is sow the seed in cultivating healthy relationships.

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Speaker 4: All a wow, I love that time you hit the

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Speaker 4: nail on the head and that used to be me, like,

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Speaker 4: thank God for evolution, Like you're not doing this, you're

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Speaker 4: the villain. But it's all about looking in the mirror.

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Speaker 4: And I think that's a good segue into our seven

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Speaker 4: ways to become a better partner.

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Speaker 2: And number one.

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Speaker 4: Is having a solid sense of self. And we've said

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Speaker 4: this on past episodes. I think that you know no

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Speaker 4: matter what roles you occupy in life, So whether it's wife, mother,

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Speaker 4: you know, sister, daughter, whatever it is, I personally believe

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Speaker 4: that we should all have a sense of self outside

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Speaker 4: of those identities. Like, I think it's so important, And

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Speaker 4: for me, the most important thing about that is, you know,

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Speaker 4: I've watched so many women and I'm going through my

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Speaker 4: own transition, so it'll be interesting to see how I

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Speaker 4: make the transition in this new phase of life as

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Speaker 4: a mom. But I've watched so many women who they

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Speaker 4: take on these identities, right, you're now a wife, you're

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Speaker 4: now a mother, you're now a professional at this job.

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Speaker 4: And when you take on that identity and then the

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Speaker 4: identity is either ripped from you or it transitions from

404
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Speaker 4: your I want to say, sphere of influence, then it's like,

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Speaker 4: oh shit, identity crisis. And so whether it's like you know,

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Speaker 4: your partner is no longer there, or you get a divorce,

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Speaker 4: right or your kids now you're an empty nester, your

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Speaker 4: kids have grown up, or now you're not at that

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Speaker 4: job anymore. You know, Yes, it's important to be the

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Speaker 4: best that we can be in those identities. But I

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Speaker 4: do think they're having a sense of self. I'm like,

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Speaker 4: who are you outside of this role? What do you like?

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Speaker 2: Right? Like?

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Speaker 4: What makes you happy? I think those are things that

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Speaker 4: are extremely important. And I think that within that, I'm

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Speaker 4: going to add a little bullet point underneath, like practicing

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Speaker 4: self care while you are sort of exploring that sense

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Speaker 4: of self is also important because again I've watched I

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Speaker 4: mean the black woman complex, right, strong black woman that

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Speaker 4: many of us have seen and witness. I know, I

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Speaker 4: watch my grandmother do everything for everyone, and at the

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Speaker 4: end of the day, oftentimes she got the short end

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Speaker 4: of the stick, you know, because a lot of times,

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Speaker 4: if you're not looking out for yourself, some people may.

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Speaker 4: But a lot of times, especially if you're around Leach,

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Speaker 4: just people are just gonna take take, take, and let

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Speaker 4: you keep caretaking and doing all of that, and then

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Speaker 4: you find out, damn, what do I have left for me?

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Speaker 2: You know what I mean. So have a sense of self?

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Speaker 2: What do you think about that time?

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Speaker 5: Oh, that's spot on.

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Speaker 1: I think that you know, you definitely want to know

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Speaker 1: who you are, and when you feel comfortable and confident

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Speaker 1: in who you are, then it makes it easier one

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Speaker 1: to grow and two to set boundaries, and then three

436
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:59,640
Speaker 1: be open to life's possibilities. So recognizing that no matter

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Speaker 1: which way the relationship goes, that you are still grounded

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Speaker 1: in who you are and like the example that you

439
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Speaker 1: gave about, like, okay, you get a divorce, or maybe

440
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:16,680
Speaker 1: your partner unexpectedly dies, or you know, like you said,

441
00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:18,440
Speaker 1: your kids are out of the house, move out of

442
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:21,320
Speaker 1: the house. Whatever the change may be, you lose your job,

443
00:26:21,359 --> 00:26:25,000
Speaker 1: whatever the change is, you have to be.

444
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:30,600
Speaker 5: Aware of who you are outside of all of that.

445
00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:33,520
Speaker 4: I do want to say before we dive into number

446
00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:36,680
Speaker 4: two dome. I feel like this is not a conversation.

447
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:39,160
Speaker 4: It's not something that many women are encouraged to do,

448
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:41,280
Speaker 4: and so there may be a lot of judgment around it.

449
00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:45,359
Speaker 4: If you find that you are a mommy or a wife,

450
00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:48,000
Speaker 4: or you know a partner and you're carving out time

451
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,159
Speaker 4: for yourself, some people will try to shame you and

452
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:52,480
Speaker 4: make you feel like you're a bad person because you're

453
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:53,520
Speaker 4: doing something for you.

454
00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:56,920
Speaker 2: But you good, like like they say, you got to

455
00:26:56,920 --> 00:26:57,879
Speaker 2: put your mask on first.

456
00:26:57,880 --> 00:26:59,640
Speaker 4: If mommy is not good, like I know, if I'm

457
00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:01,639
Speaker 4: not good, that my household is going to be in

458
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:04,119
Speaker 4: shambles because now I'm gonna be pissy. I'm gonna be

459
00:27:04,119 --> 00:27:06,000
Speaker 4: walking around with an attitude like I make sure that

460
00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:08,400
Speaker 4: I take care of my damn self. And then when

461
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:13,480
Speaker 4: my coup is overflowing, we could I'm like, okay, I'm good.

462
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:15,119
Speaker 4: So I think everyone just needs to make sure to

463
00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:17,520
Speaker 4: make sure you are full. Okay, that is so important.

464
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:21,080
Speaker 5: Yes, yes, all right.

465
00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:26,560
Speaker 1: So tip number two heal from any trauma or past

466
00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:31,600
Speaker 1: experiences that have had an adverse impact on you. That's real,

467
00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:38,240
Speaker 1: point blank period. Whenever I hear this, I think about

468
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:44,200
Speaker 1: Erica Badou's song bag Lading, and just I mean, if

469
00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:46,639
Speaker 1: you just think about the meaning of that song that, like,

470
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:54,000
Speaker 1: you can't go into a new relationship carrying all these

471
00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:59,280
Speaker 1: other bags expecting that your partner is your new partner

472
00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:03,080
Speaker 1: is gonna help you carry those bags, because your new

473
00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:07,760
Speaker 1: partner is coming with their own bags. And so ideally

474
00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:15,080
Speaker 1: we want to come in as baggage free as possible,

475
00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:19,840
Speaker 1: recognizing that there may be some things that we aren't

476
00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:24,960
Speaker 1: aware of that may come up in a new relationship

477
00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:31,080
Speaker 1: that you know, let's say that you have fears of

478
00:28:31,119 --> 00:28:36,360
Speaker 1: abandonment because your parents divorced when you were little, and

479
00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:40,960
Speaker 1: one of your parents left the relationship and left you

480
00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:45,280
Speaker 1: at the same time, right, So then there's fears of abandonment,

481
00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:49,239
Speaker 1: and you were fine going into all other relationships all

482
00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:52,440
Speaker 1: along that wasn't the issue, and then all of a sudden,

483
00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:55,640
Speaker 1: you're in this new relationship and it feels amazing, and

484
00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:58,760
Speaker 1: it feels better than any other relationship you've ever had.

485
00:28:59,880 --> 00:29:05,320
Speaker 1: And one night, they're running late from work and they

486
00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:09,760
Speaker 1: don't call, and they're stuck in traffic and you don't

487
00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:15,480
Speaker 1: get a call until they show home four hours late. Meanwhile,

488
00:29:15,600 --> 00:29:21,480
Speaker 1: you are freaking out because you're wondering where the hell

489
00:29:21,520 --> 00:29:25,200
Speaker 1: are they, and your fear of abandonment starts popping up

490
00:29:26,080 --> 00:29:28,760
Speaker 1: and you didn't even realize it was there. That's when

491
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:31,640
Speaker 1: you go and talk to your therapist. Have a conversation

492
00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:37,400
Speaker 1: with your partner, and talk with your therapist, because you

493
00:29:37,560 --> 00:29:41,920
Speaker 1: want to make sure that the healthiest version of you

494
00:29:43,120 --> 00:29:48,440
Speaker 1: is willing to address when things come up. You want

495
00:29:48,480 --> 00:29:53,880
Speaker 1: to focus on healing past traumas because how that could

496
00:29:53,960 --> 00:29:56,400
Speaker 1: show up in your relationship is okay. So now your

497
00:29:56,440 --> 00:29:58,760
Speaker 1: partner gets in the door and the first thing you

498
00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:01,680
Speaker 1: do is go off on them for not contacting.

499
00:30:01,120 --> 00:30:04,720
Speaker 2: You, unpacked your bags and shit, you ready to go.

500
00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:09,880
Speaker 5: I'm I'm going to walk out on you before you

501
00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:10,680
Speaker 5: walk out on me.

502
00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:16,480
Speaker 1: And they come in and they're frazzled because they were

503
00:30:16,520 --> 00:30:20,040
Speaker 1: in traffic, their phone died and had no way of communicating,

504
00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:24,600
Speaker 1: and they were stuck for hours in traffic. And so

505
00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:30,200
Speaker 1: their stuff is their anxiety is being activated because they

506
00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:34,240
Speaker 1: were in an anxiety provoking situation. Then they come home

507
00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:39,880
Speaker 1: and you're at their neck about not communicating, not letting

508
00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:44,920
Speaker 1: you know where they were, but they couldn't, and it

509
00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:48,000
Speaker 1: becomes this whole big thing unless you were willing to

510
00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:52,280
Speaker 1: step back and say, oh wait, hold on, let me

511
00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:55,880
Speaker 1: one tap into what do I know about this person?

512
00:30:56,680 --> 00:30:59,040
Speaker 1: Is this behavior common in this person? Is this the

513
00:30:59,040 --> 00:31:04,520
Speaker 1: first time that it had happen? And also what is

514
00:31:04,640 --> 00:31:09,200
Speaker 1: really coming up for me? What's really beneath this? If

515
00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:11,760
Speaker 1: I know that this isn't a pattern of behavior with

516
00:31:11,840 --> 00:31:17,640
Speaker 1: this person, that question right, And then once you have

517
00:31:17,680 --> 00:31:21,560
Speaker 1: an awareness of what's coming up for you, letting your

518
00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:25,240
Speaker 1: partner know, oh, here's what came up for me and why,

519
00:31:26,360 --> 00:31:28,560
Speaker 1: and again, like I said, working with your therapist to

520
00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:33,240
Speaker 1: process through that, but having continued conversations with your partner.

521
00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:36,240
Speaker 2: And that's a great segue down right into number three,

522
00:31:36,360 --> 00:31:40,719
Speaker 2: which is learned to communicate honestly, openly and clearly. And

523
00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:44,360
Speaker 2: so I've learned that, you know, my.

524
00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:48,000
Speaker 4: Personal best practice is no name calling, like take ownership

525
00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:51,800
Speaker 4: of your feelings, use those I statements, you know, because

526
00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:53,320
Speaker 4: at the end of the day, one of the things

527
00:31:53,360 --> 00:31:58,480
Speaker 4: that I've learned on my communication evolution journey is that think.

528
00:31:58,280 --> 00:31:59,200
Speaker 2: About the end goal.

529
00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:03,000
Speaker 4: My goal in communicating my concern or this issue with

530
00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:07,320
Speaker 4: you is that I can express myself, I can get

531
00:32:07,360 --> 00:32:09,360
Speaker 4: some validation, and we can figure out a plan for

532
00:32:09,440 --> 00:32:10,040
Speaker 4: moving forward.

533
00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:10,320
Speaker 2: Right.

534
00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:12,960
Speaker 4: And so if that is the goal, typically when you

535
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:17,400
Speaker 4: converse with your partner, how are you initiating the conversation

536
00:32:17,480 --> 00:32:19,160
Speaker 4: to facilitate that type of outcome?

537
00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:19,480
Speaker 2: Right?

538
00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:23,760
Speaker 4: And so for me, I've also realized that knowing what

539
00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:25,959
Speaker 4: you want and how you want it and knowing how

540
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:28,440
Speaker 4: to say it, that is priceless. The one thing I

541
00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:31,880
Speaker 4: love dom about getting older is that I am very

542
00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:34,160
Speaker 4: specific about the things that I want, Like I know

543
00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:36,560
Speaker 4: what I want, I know how I want it, I

544
00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:38,440
Speaker 4: know when I want like, I am very clear on

545
00:32:38,480 --> 00:32:41,280
Speaker 4: that and various arenas of life, and I'm able to

546
00:32:41,320 --> 00:32:44,760
Speaker 4: communicate that Whereas I used to be like, oh, I

547
00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:50,000
Speaker 4: don't know, you know whatever, or just not knowing at all.

548
00:32:50,400 --> 00:32:52,680
Speaker 4: But now having lived a little bit of life, and

549
00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:55,240
Speaker 4: you know when it comes like your favorite food, right,

550
00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:57,520
Speaker 4: or like how you want your hair or how you

551
00:32:57,560 --> 00:33:00,280
Speaker 4: want certain things done, even if it's something sexual, it's like, hey,

552
00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:02,480
Speaker 4: this is what I like, and being able to communicate that.

553
00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:05,600
Speaker 4: And then I would also say, when it comes to communication,

554
00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:08,880
Speaker 4: another thing that makes me think about is just having

555
00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:12,640
Speaker 4: self respect. As far as you know what we tolerate

556
00:33:12,720 --> 00:33:15,960
Speaker 4: and how someone communicates with us, and then knowing when

557
00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:19,520
Speaker 4: to apologize. I think that's all baked into communication. And

558
00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:22,480
Speaker 4: I know for me at this point in life, you know,

559
00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:24,560
Speaker 4: being a person that used to tolerate a lot of

560
00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:27,240
Speaker 4: like nonsense, and you know, people talking to me in

561
00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:29,240
Speaker 4: any kind of way, I have such a high standard

562
00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:31,920
Speaker 4: for the way that I speak to myself, like the

563
00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:32,880
Speaker 4: internal dialogue.

564
00:33:33,080 --> 00:33:34,160
Speaker 2: The standard is so high.

565
00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:36,920
Speaker 4: Whereas I used to call myself names and used to

566
00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:40,560
Speaker 4: beat myself up a lot, I still hold myself accountable, right.

567
00:33:40,520 --> 00:33:42,280
Speaker 2: But I use different language.

568
00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:44,640
Speaker 4: And so that means if someone is coming at me

569
00:33:44,680 --> 00:33:46,760
Speaker 4: a certain kind of way, we're not gonna be able

570
00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:48,719
Speaker 4: to have a conversation if you're coming at me sideways,

571
00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:51,200
Speaker 4: because I don't even talk to myself like that, So

572
00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:54,680
Speaker 4: I don't care. Mam and daddy, husband child like, I

573
00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:56,960
Speaker 4: don't care who it is, We're gonna have to figure

574
00:33:57,000 --> 00:33:59,760
Speaker 4: out how to have a conversation where the respect is there,

575
00:33:59,800 --> 00:34:03,880
Speaker 4: because I now finally respect myself enough to have a

576
00:34:03,920 --> 00:34:06,240
Speaker 4: high standard where you're not just gonna come and talk

577
00:34:06,280 --> 00:34:06,880
Speaker 4: to me crazy.

578
00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:08,200
Speaker 2: You know what I mean exactly?

579
00:34:08,360 --> 00:34:12,799
Speaker 5: Yes, yes, yes, I know exactly what you mean.

580
00:34:13,320 --> 00:34:15,279
Speaker 1: And I think that it takes practice to get to

581
00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:18,839
Speaker 1: that point, right, Yes, definitely.

582
00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:21,720
Speaker 5: Take some practice. And I think that.

583
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:27,160
Speaker 1: That leads us to our fourth tip, which is listen,

584
00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:33,840
Speaker 1: because as you are listening, that provides you with information, right,

585
00:34:34,320 --> 00:34:37,040
Speaker 1: So that provides you with information on whether or not

586
00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:40,480
Speaker 1: this person, how the other person is communicating with you,

587
00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:46,759
Speaker 1: if it's something that flows with your boundaries. So, as

588
00:34:46,800 --> 00:34:49,640
Speaker 1: you're listening, is this person raising their voice and yelling

589
00:34:49,680 --> 00:34:54,880
Speaker 1: at me, Oh they are, I'm out right, I'm going

590
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:57,880
Speaker 1: to communicate. I'm going to state that this is my

591
00:34:58,040 --> 00:35:02,040
Speaker 1: boundary and then remove myself.

592
00:35:01,719 --> 00:35:02,640
Speaker 5: From that situation.

593
00:35:03,600 --> 00:35:10,280
Speaker 1: But I'm also going to listen for understanding their perspective,

594
00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:13,920
Speaker 1: because I think sometimes when we're in the heat of

595
00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:18,040
Speaker 1: the moment, we can get so caught up in making

596
00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:22,360
Speaker 1: sure that we communicate our point of view that we

597
00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:27,399
Speaker 1: stop listening to the other person, and that's what can

598
00:35:27,520 --> 00:35:32,359
Speaker 1: lead to further miscommunication. Because if I go back to

599
00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:35,840
Speaker 1: the example of my partner was sitting in traffic and

600
00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:41,360
Speaker 1: then they come home, if I immediately start in about

601
00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:44,840
Speaker 1: what my needs are and what I'm not going to tolerate,

602
00:35:46,200 --> 00:35:51,600
Speaker 1: and if I'm not listening, I'm gonna miss them letting

603
00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:51,960
Speaker 1: me know.

604
00:35:53,440 --> 00:35:56,120
Speaker 5: One, what the real issue.

605
00:35:55,640 --> 00:35:57,440
Speaker 1: Was was that they were stuck in traffic and their

606
00:35:57,440 --> 00:36:01,440
Speaker 1: phone died, right, So that means, okay, maybe we need

607
00:36:01,440 --> 00:36:04,839
Speaker 1: to have a conversation about one keeping making sure your

608
00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:07,040
Speaker 1: phone miss charge and two making sure you have a

609
00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:10,280
Speaker 1: car charger. Right, So like that's an easy problem solving.

610
00:36:10,640 --> 00:36:16,080
Speaker 1: If we listen, we can also be missing that they're

611
00:36:16,120 --> 00:36:20,279
Speaker 1: saying that they were anxious too, So we're missing an

612
00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:26,879
Speaker 1: opportunity to offer empathy to our partner because we are

613
00:36:26,920 --> 00:36:30,480
Speaker 1: so caught up in our own stuff. So I think

614
00:36:30,520 --> 00:36:35,080
Speaker 1: that listening is key on so many levels.

615
00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:38,120
Speaker 4: Yep, I would agree with that, Tom. I think that

616
00:36:38,239 --> 00:36:42,759
Speaker 4: listening is absolutely key, And the only thing I would

617
00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:45,560
Speaker 4: add there is when you're listening. Also, I think sometimes

618
00:36:45,600 --> 00:36:47,520
Speaker 4: we can be so centered on ourselves that we don't

619
00:36:47,520 --> 00:36:50,280
Speaker 4: take the time to listen to what is your partner's

620
00:36:50,280 --> 00:36:52,920
Speaker 4: favorite color, what is their interests? Like indulge them in

621
00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:55,160
Speaker 4: like a TV show that they like, right, that you

622
00:36:55,200 --> 00:36:57,680
Speaker 4: may not understand, but listening to you know what excites

623
00:36:57,719 --> 00:37:00,440
Speaker 4: them about it? Just showing giving some that type of

624
00:37:00,480 --> 00:37:03,640
Speaker 4: attention and actually listening to understand, like you said, and

625
00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:07,360
Speaker 4: not to respond or not to share your personal and

626
00:37:07,440 --> 00:37:10,240
Speaker 4: put there's time for that too, but just really listening

627
00:37:10,239 --> 00:37:12,399
Speaker 4: to get to know them, I think is key. And

628
00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:17,200
Speaker 4: that takes us to number five, which is show, don't tell.

629
00:37:17,920 --> 00:37:20,840
Speaker 4: And this reminds me of the conversation. I feel like

630
00:37:20,840 --> 00:37:24,000
Speaker 4: we may have had conversations about this before, but about love,

631
00:37:24,080 --> 00:37:29,080
Speaker 4: languages and how I think many of us have probably

632
00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:33,760
Speaker 4: been in this position where you've loved someone or given

633
00:37:33,840 --> 00:37:37,000
Speaker 4: something that you would have wanted, right. It's like the

634
00:37:37,040 --> 00:37:39,120
Speaker 4: Golden Road. Treat people the way you want to be treated,

635
00:37:39,120 --> 00:37:41,799
Speaker 4: but really it should be treat people the way they

636
00:37:41,840 --> 00:37:42,640
Speaker 4: want to be treated.

637
00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:43,000
Speaker 2: Right.

638
00:37:43,760 --> 00:37:48,839
Speaker 4: And so if I know that my partner really appreciates

639
00:37:48,880 --> 00:37:51,520
Speaker 4: words of affirmation, but I'm out here trying to get

640
00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:52,560
Speaker 4: the PS what is it?

641
00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:55,239
Speaker 5: PS five is what I think? So I don't keep

642
00:37:55,320 --> 00:37:55,919
Speaker 5: up with these things.

643
00:37:56,600 --> 00:37:58,160
Speaker 2: I think you're right, So it trend in.

644
00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:01,200
Speaker 4: I'm not really into you know, thedeo games anymore, but

645
00:38:01,520 --> 00:38:03,120
Speaker 4: you know what I'm talking about, Right, I go out

646
00:38:03,160 --> 00:38:06,680
Speaker 4: and get you know, all the things that I don't know,

647
00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:10,080
Speaker 4: the latest, the latest gadgets, all that stuff.

648
00:38:10,160 --> 00:38:12,759
Speaker 2: Right, I go out and get that. The whole time.

649
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:15,000
Speaker 4: My partner's like, but all I wanted was like a poem.

650
00:38:15,239 --> 00:38:16,759
Speaker 4: All I wanted it was like a thank you note,

651
00:38:16,800 --> 00:38:18,080
Speaker 4: you know what I mean. And I'm trying to do

652
00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:19,759
Speaker 4: the things that I want someone to do for me.

653
00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:22,239
Speaker 4: So I think that goes back to listening, understanding what

654
00:38:22,280 --> 00:38:24,319
Speaker 4: do they really want and need? And then how do

655
00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:27,000
Speaker 4: I actually show them that and not just tell them like, oh,

656
00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:29,600
Speaker 4: I appreciate you so much, I love you so much. Well,

657
00:38:30,160 --> 00:38:33,279
Speaker 4: how can I show that in action? And so I

658
00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:36,160
Speaker 4: think that's also a really important one. And then it

659
00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:39,080
Speaker 4: also makes me think about how changed behavior is the

660
00:38:39,120 --> 00:38:43,120
Speaker 4: best apology. So when we are showing and not just telling,

661
00:38:43,680 --> 00:38:45,560
Speaker 4: that is a key. So I know, for me personally,

662
00:38:45,640 --> 00:38:48,160
Speaker 4: there have been conversations that you know, I would have

663
00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:51,000
Speaker 4: in a relationship about things that I need to work on,

664
00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:53,400
Speaker 4: right in addition to things that partner needs to work on.

665
00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:56,560
Speaker 4: But for me, instead of just going over those things

666
00:38:56,600 --> 00:38:58,719
Speaker 4: every time we have a disagreement, I began to write

667
00:38:58,760 --> 00:39:01,279
Speaker 4: them down and think, Okay, what can I actually do

668
00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:05,480
Speaker 4: to get better with doing xyz? You know what I mean,

669
00:39:05,560 --> 00:39:08,680
Speaker 4: instead of just saying, oh, I'm sorry, it won't happen again.

670
00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:11,799
Speaker 4: But really, if I'm not working on it, it's probably

671
00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:13,840
Speaker 4: going to keep happening over and over and over, you

672
00:39:13,840 --> 00:39:17,080
Speaker 4: know what I mean, Because there's no intentionality to the action,

673
00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:20,640
Speaker 4: so show, don't tell yes.

674
00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:23,239
Speaker 1: And I would agree with you on that that like,

675
00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:30,839
Speaker 1: actions definitely speak louder than words, so and within that,

676
00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:34,880
Speaker 1: I think that leads us to our tip number six,

677
00:39:35,480 --> 00:39:39,799
Speaker 1: which is be considerate. And I think you gave a

678
00:39:39,800 --> 00:39:45,280
Speaker 1: great example with the love languages right that being considerate

679
00:39:45,400 --> 00:39:50,719
Speaker 1: to me is about taking that into account, like what

680
00:39:50,840 --> 00:39:55,640
Speaker 1: is your partner's love language and how can you communicate to.

681
00:39:55,640 --> 00:39:58,439
Speaker 5: Them in their language?

682
00:39:58,640 --> 00:40:03,480
Speaker 1: And also being considerate comes into play when we talk

683
00:40:03,520 --> 00:40:08,799
Speaker 1: about listening that if I am really listening to my

684
00:40:08,880 --> 00:40:14,880
Speaker 1: partner to understand them, then I would know, Okay, my

685
00:40:14,960 --> 00:40:18,520
Speaker 1: partner's having a rough day at work, so maybe I'm

686
00:40:18,520 --> 00:40:23,320
Speaker 1: not gonna talk about my issues at work, or maybe

687
00:40:23,360 --> 00:40:27,200
Speaker 1: I'm going to make sure that maybe their favorite meal

688
00:40:27,600 --> 00:40:28,400
Speaker 1: is ready.

689
00:40:28,080 --> 00:40:28,960
Speaker 5: When they get home.

690
00:40:30,000 --> 00:40:33,960
Speaker 1: You know, to me, being considerate is acts of kindness

691
00:40:34,200 --> 00:40:37,359
Speaker 1: or thinking about Okay, my partner has to get up

692
00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:39,360
Speaker 1: at five am to get ready for work.

693
00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:43,839
Speaker 5: I'm typically a night owl. Well, if I know my.

694
00:40:43,840 --> 00:40:47,239
Speaker 1: Partner has to get up at five am, I'm not

695
00:40:47,400 --> 00:40:51,000
Speaker 1: going to just crawl into bed at two and reach

696
00:40:51,040 --> 00:40:54,640
Speaker 1: over and say, hey, ready for some sex When I

697
00:40:54,760 --> 00:40:56,640
Speaker 1: know that they got to get up at five in

698
00:40:56,680 --> 00:40:59,120
Speaker 1: the morning, even though I might be horny as hell,

699
00:41:00,400 --> 00:41:02,279
Speaker 1: I'm gonna hold fast sex in or I'm gonna go

700
00:41:02,360 --> 00:41:05,560
Speaker 1: in the bathroom and get one of my sex toys

701
00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:10,840
Speaker 1: and figure it out for myself and wait until find

702
00:41:10,880 --> 00:41:12,160
Speaker 1: a convenient time.

703
00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:16,640
Speaker 7: For both of us to have sex. That's being considerable.

704
00:41:17,440 --> 00:41:21,120
Speaker 7: Those are very good examples time. I love that good examples.

705
00:41:21,280 --> 00:41:24,000
Speaker 7: And our last one here, number seven is accept your

706
00:41:24,040 --> 00:41:25,960
Speaker 7: partner for who they are. I don't know about you,

707
00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:29,000
Speaker 7: but I think we all have a little quirkiness in us,

708
00:41:29,120 --> 00:41:31,440
Speaker 7: or many of us do. Many of us have little quirkiness,

709
00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:35,480
Speaker 7: We have idiosyncrasies, and so this isn't always an easy one.

710
00:41:35,560 --> 00:41:37,560
Speaker 7: If you you know, I'm sure if your partner does

711
00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:39,880
Speaker 7: some weird stuff, but I think just accepting them for

712
00:41:39,920 --> 00:41:42,279
Speaker 7: who they are is really important. And I think that

713
00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:45,000
Speaker 7: when you have a space where you can just be yourself,

714
00:41:45,080 --> 00:41:48,239
Speaker 7: unapologetically and authentically, it's just so freeing, you know what

715
00:41:48,280 --> 00:41:50,600
Speaker 7: I mean. So I think that is the last one

716
00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:52,759
Speaker 7: that kind of closes out our seven ways to become

717
00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:56,000
Speaker 7: a better partner. So to do a quicker recap, we

718
00:41:56,040 --> 00:41:59,000
Speaker 7: have number one, but just have a solid sense of

719
00:41:59,040 --> 00:42:02,480
Speaker 7: self because all this work starts within right, starts with

720
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:06,160
Speaker 7: the self. Number two is heal from any trauma or

721
00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:09,960
Speaker 7: past experiences that have had an adverse impact on you.

722
00:42:11,200 --> 00:42:18,520
Speaker 7: Number three learn to communicate honestly, openly and clearly. Number

723
00:42:18,520 --> 00:42:23,160
Speaker 7: four is very simple or maybe not, but listen, listen.

724
00:42:23,840 --> 00:42:29,600
Speaker 7: That's number four. Number five is show, don't tell. Number

725
00:42:29,640 --> 00:42:34,839
Speaker 7: six is be considerate, and number seven is accept your

726
00:42:34,880 --> 00:42:36,239
Speaker 7: partner for who they are.

727
00:42:37,400 --> 00:42:40,680
Speaker 1: I think that this is a great way for us

728
00:42:40,760 --> 00:42:48,279
Speaker 1: to start off our sexy self love series that will

729
00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:52,680
Speaker 1: be coming to us for the next month. Lady, you

730
00:42:52,920 --> 00:42:56,840
Speaker 1: want to make sure you tune in, because cool child.

731
00:42:57,080 --> 00:42:58,480
Speaker 1: When I tell you.

732
00:42:59,200 --> 00:43:03,440
Speaker 2: Listen, girl, I'm not ready.

733
00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:07,080
Speaker 4: I'm clutching visible pearls like dom you want to give

734
00:43:07,120 --> 00:43:09,720
Speaker 4: a couple of teasers on the Sexy Self Love series

735
00:43:09,760 --> 00:43:11,520
Speaker 4: and what's coming up next month.

736
00:43:11,800 --> 00:43:14,560
Speaker 5: I mean, you know, we're gonna talk about some sex toys.

737
00:43:15,160 --> 00:43:17,520
Speaker 2: Sex toys, We're gonna.

738
00:43:17,280 --> 00:43:22,360
Speaker 5: Talk about polyamory. It's gonna be talking about our chakras.

739
00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:28,040
Speaker 4: Like it's about to go down, and lady, the conversation

740
00:43:28,160 --> 00:43:29,920
Speaker 4: isn't over, by the way, Domina are about to go

741
00:43:29,960 --> 00:43:33,040
Speaker 4: hop on Patreon and we're gonna do an after show

742
00:43:33,080 --> 00:43:36,280
Speaker 4: about today's episode. So you can visit our website, herspace

743
00:43:36,320 --> 00:43:39,960
Speaker 4: podcast dot com. Click on Patreon and the top tab

744
00:43:40,080 --> 00:43:41,799
Speaker 4: and come and join us so you can tune into

745
00:43:41,800 --> 00:43:45,840
Speaker 4: this conversation. You hope to see you there. Hey, lady,

746
00:43:45,920 --> 00:43:49,360
Speaker 4: it's Terry here from cultivating her Space. Are you tired

747
00:43:49,400 --> 00:43:52,239
Speaker 4: of working hard for your money? Do you want your

748
00:43:52,239 --> 00:43:55,560
Speaker 4: business to run smoothly when you're out of office? If

749
00:43:55,560 --> 00:43:58,120
Speaker 4: you want to learn how to automate your business cash

750
00:43:58,200 --> 00:44:02,520
Speaker 4: flow and increase your impact and influence, join me from

751
00:44:02,560 --> 00:44:07,279
Speaker 4: our free workshop at brandwidth terry dot com. Again, that's

752
00:44:07,480 --> 00:44:12,440
Speaker 4: brand with Terry dot com. My name is spelled Teubri.

753
00:44:12,560 --> 00:44:14,360
Speaker 4: I hope to see you there, lady.

754
00:44:14,680 --> 00:44:20,640
Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us today. Please Note that our show

755
00:44:20,719 --> 00:44:26,640
Speaker 1: may contain conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment, and

756
00:44:26,760 --> 00:44:29,880
Speaker 1: mental health, but is by no means meant to be

757
00:44:29,920 --> 00:44:34,200
Speaker 1: a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship with a trained

758
00:44:34,239 --> 00:44:38,279
Speaker 1: mental health provider. If you are someone you know is

759
00:44:38,320 --> 00:44:41,640
Speaker 1: in need of mental health care, please visit a Therapy

760
00:44:41,680 --> 00:44:47,600
Speaker 1: for Black Girls directory Psychology today or contact your insurance provider.

761
00:44:48,480 --> 00:44:50,160
Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

762
00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:54,759
Speaker 2: the conversation going, visit our website cultivatinghirspace dot com and

763
00:44:54,880 --> 00:44:57,400
Speaker 2: be sure to click the Patreon tab to get access

764
00:44:57,440 --> 00:45:01,720
Speaker 2: to video content, bonuses, and and our weekly after show

765
00:45:02,200 --> 00:45:05,640
Speaker 2: and before we meet again, repeat after me, I am

766
00:45:05,800 --> 00:45:08,240
Speaker 2: aligned with my inevitable outcome.

767
00:45:09,239 --> 00:45:10,720
Speaker 5: We'll see you next week, Lady