Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine.
Speaker 2: Oh, Hi Chelsea, Hi, Hi, just skied down to do
Speaker 2: this podcast, and I have to say.
Speaker 1: I love to see. I love skiing so much.
Speaker 3: You just skied right on into the studio. It's perfect.
Speaker 2: I skied right out of my ski out, into my
Speaker 2: ski out and walked over to my house and I
Speaker 2: am just filled filled. I have my two babies with me.
Speaker 2: Jesse and Katie have been with me for a spring break.
Speaker 2: They both slept in bed with me. Last night we
Speaker 2: watched Pride and Prejudice.
Speaker 3: Which one the movie one or the mini series one?
Speaker 1: Minise? Is there a miniseries?
Speaker 3: Is a mini series with Colin Firth.
Speaker 1: Oh, I had to tell you, Oh, you have to
Speaker 1: see it.
Speaker 3: It's like, is it old nineties?
Speaker 4: But it's like Colin Firth coming out of the water
Speaker 4: with that wet shirt.
Speaker 3: It's it's really everything.
Speaker 2: I love the guy from Succession who's in the first
Speaker 2: of all, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is like a
Speaker 2: huge actor. Carrie Mulligan's in it. It's so beautiful and
Speaker 2: the language is so beautiful. I have one Jesse who's
Speaker 2: like love with it, and then Katie's like, this is stupid.
Speaker 5: What is this?
Speaker 1: Why am I talking about this? It was so funny.
Speaker 2: I'm like, Okay, here are the twins, two different, completely different.
Speaker 3: Personalities, exactly exactly.
Speaker 1: I went out.
Speaker 2: I went skiing this morning and I texted them. I said, girls,
Speaker 2: when you get up, meet your father. They call me dad.
Speaker 2: I go meet your father on the mountain. I said,
Speaker 2: if you want to make your father happy, meet me
Speaker 2: on the mountain.
Speaker 1: And they're like, fudda, fudda.
Speaker 2: We're all dressed and ready to go, but where are skis?
Speaker 2: And their mom took their skis back to Squamish for
Speaker 2: some reason.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure why.
Speaker 2: I had one set of skis so only one of
Speaker 2: them could meet me. But they're like, we won't disappoint
Speaker 2: We're coming.
Speaker 1: It's so cute. And then we went to lunch.
Speaker 3: You're just like surrounded by children on the mountain.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, it's I know. I'm running a fucking
Speaker 2: daycare center up here.
Speaker 4: So, Chelsea, I've got a little update that kind of
Speaker 4: goes with our episode today.
Speaker 3: This email comes from Riley.
Speaker 4: Riley says, Dear Chelsea, I'm not a past caller, so
Speaker 4: this really can't be called an update, but it involves
Speaker 4: changes from your advice, so let's call it one. A
Speaker 4: couple of months ago, I decided to take a year
Speaker 4: off from school to pursue a full time job that
Speaker 4: was making a ton of crazy money at A month later,
Speaker 4: I was fired from said job.
Speaker 3: Long story short.
Speaker 4: Within a year, I went from moving to my dream
Speaker 4: city for my dream program in school to a second
Speaker 4: time dropout and unemployed. I've always been a person who's
Speaker 4: believed that energy follows you. I'm also a person who
Speaker 4: is practically a professional in negative energy and deals with depression.
Speaker 4: So I've connected, listened, and taken your advice over the
Speaker 4: last few weeks. I'm on day seventeen of daily Gratitude.
Speaker 4: I've been doing all my positive affirmations, and I've been
Speaker 4: repeating this is a good energy day to myself on
Speaker 4: a daily basis and to both of you. Thank you,
Speaker 4: because today I realized what a massive shift in general
Speaker 4: attitude I've had and the unnatural change in energy around me.
Speaker 4: Then the magic happened. It feels like a door opened
Speaker 4: with the new job I have, I found a different
Speaker 4: program that clicked with my goals and values to go
Speaker 4: back to school, and a guy at a bar asked
Speaker 4: for my number for the very first time. Thanks again,
Speaker 4: sending love from a stranger Riley.
Speaker 2: Yes, everybody, you can change your energy, and when you
Speaker 2: change your energy, you are magnetically attracting and energetically attracting
Speaker 2: different things into your life.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So the value of a gratitude journal may say, sound
Speaker 2: corny or like a hundred of time for that, it
Speaker 2: changes your energy and you won't know it until you
Speaker 2: do it, So fucking do it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and affirmations too.
Speaker 4: It's like when we talk to ourselves differently, things happen.
Speaker 3: It's really really cool.
Speaker 2: Oh, I'm going to DC to be one of the
Speaker 2: comedians that's giving Kevin Hart his Mark Twain Award in DC. Oh,
Speaker 2: that's exciting. Yeah, it'll be on Netflix, I think. So
Speaker 2: I have whipped up a little speech for Kevin.
Speaker 1: Hart, so he better get fucking ready, bitch.
Speaker 3: Is it like a nice speech or is it a
Speaker 3: little roasty?
Speaker 1: A little bit of both?
Speaker 3: Gay? Excellent? Are you guys kind of like good friends
Speaker 3: like chums?
Speaker 2: Well, he's been an old friend, so he's all always
Speaker 2: a good friend, like I've known him for so long
Speaker 2: from Chelsea lately days he demanded to be a guest
Speaker 2: instead of on the Roundtable. After he was on the
Speaker 2: round Table for a period of time, then he demanded
Speaker 2: to be a guest because his people were like, he's
Speaker 2: too he's he's now guest material, and I remember going, wow.
Speaker 1: Look at him. Yeah, so he's been a pain in
Speaker 1: my ass for a very long time.
Speaker 2: I don't see him, No, I don't see him a lot,
Speaker 2: but I will always show up for Kevin.
Speaker 1: I love him.
Speaker 3: I love that. I love that old friends are sometimes
Speaker 3: the best friends.
Speaker 2: And he's one of the only black men, famous men
Speaker 2: that I haven't had sex with. Well, just kidding, just kidding, Okay,
Speaker 2: so oh today. I love this woman and the first
Speaker 2: reason she caught my attention was on Instagram dancing with
Speaker 2: her husband Twitch, who has since passed away, and then
Speaker 2: after he passed away by taking his life.
Speaker 1: I was just blown.
Speaker 2: Away by the way that this woman handled that and
Speaker 2: the way that she was able to almost it felt
Speaker 2: like she was able to center herself, not in a
Speaker 2: premature way, but in such a grounded, centered way with
Speaker 2: her three children, the public facing element of that hardship.
Speaker 1: I just couldn't believe it.
Speaker 2: So I had been dming with her on Instagram months
Speaker 2: and months and months ago and then she came to
Speaker 2: my show at LA and anyway, I just felt a
Speaker 2: connection to her and I wanted to reach out to her.
Speaker 2: And she's on the podcast today and her name is
Speaker 2: Alison Hooker and she's the author of the new children's
Speaker 2: book Keep Dancing Through and as she is the new judge,
Speaker 2: the newest judge and so you think you can dance,
Speaker 2: So please welcome Alison Holker boss.
Speaker 1: Hi Cuty, Petuity, Fashion Fruity.
Speaker 6: That's so good to see you.
Speaker 2: I was watching your clip yesterday on your Instagram of
Speaker 2: that beautiful dancer and you telling her how you could
Speaker 2: see her, and I thought, but oh, that's the best
Speaker 2: thing anyone can hear, is I see you?
Speaker 6: Thank you? No, she went beautiful. It's like sometimes you
Speaker 6: just meet people that have like it's like a beautiful
Speaker 6: soul and you're like I feel that, you know. And
Speaker 6: I was like, that's one of those people where I
Speaker 6: was like I was really moved by her. She was great.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, So that's so awesome that you're judging
Speaker 2: on So you think you can dance?
Speaker 6: Oh my gosh. It's been a dream job to be honest, like,
Speaker 6: I've been like every position on the job, I've been
Speaker 6: like a contestant, all star all of the things, but
Speaker 6: sitting on the judges panel has felt like home. And
Speaker 6: to be honest, I didn't know how I was gonna
Speaker 6: feel about sitting up there because I was like, am
Speaker 6: I gonna miss being on the stage like being the dancer?
Speaker 6: But truly, honestly, it's been way better. I've actually enjoyed
Speaker 6: this experience so much. And I feel like as a judge,
Speaker 6: like I've sat where they are, I've stood in that
Speaker 6: on that stage, so I'm like really hard on them,
Speaker 6: but it's all from like a place of love because
Speaker 6: I have like a high expectation of them. But man,
Speaker 6: it's been a dream job. I've loved the experience so much.
Speaker 2: Well, I also think it's so nice when you're it's
Speaker 2: your specialty and then you take a step back and
Speaker 2: you're actually able to judge and critique others doing what
Speaker 2: you're doing. You would think you miss it, but it's
Speaker 2: actually nice to have the pressure off of you and
Speaker 2: where you can kind of help other people to see
Speaker 2: their strengths or weaknesses.
Speaker 6: Yeah, and it's like, honestly, a lot of the ones
Speaker 6: audition I've known them since they were children. So I
Speaker 6: feel like I'm like sitting at that table being like
Speaker 6: a mama bear. I've taught a lot of them since
Speaker 6: they were really really young, so it's more of like
Speaker 6: an honor and like a treat to be able to
Speaker 6: see like the progression that they've already had thus far,
Speaker 6: to then be able like, Okay, now, whatever I say
Speaker 6: to you, I can really help you on the next
Speaker 6: step of your journey. And I've already been so blessed
Speaker 6: to have a big journey in the dance community, so
Speaker 6: it's a blessing to be able to cultivate someone else's.
Speaker 1: Now, how did your dancing start, Allison?
Speaker 6: I actually watched my sister dance when I was like
Speaker 6: twelve years old. She just looked so majestic on this stage.
Speaker 6: She was like a warrior princess, like she looked like,
Speaker 6: I don't know, she just looks so powerful, and I
Speaker 6: was like, I want to do that. And then even
Speaker 6: at a young age, I was like, I want to
Speaker 6: impact other kids, or specifically girls, to be just as
Speaker 6: powerful on a stage. Because it wasn't like one of
Speaker 6: those like frillly dancers. It wasn't like she was like
Speaker 6: a ballallet dancer. It was like strong, athletic and powerful.
Speaker 6: She was like flipping, and I was like, I liked
Speaker 6: seeing someone so feminine kind of own their masculine and
Speaker 6: be like kind of dance more like the men and
Speaker 6: just be like owning their power. So that's always really
Speaker 6: what I wanted to do for girls in the dance
Speaker 6: industry specifically.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think that's well said, because you're describing
Speaker 2: yourself too, because you're very feminine and owning your masculinity
Speaker 2: in your dance. That's what I've always noticed about you
Speaker 2: is you're so strong and the dance and you're such
Speaker 2: a good dancer.
Speaker 1: I can't even.
Speaker 2: Do a two step, So if you ever ever got
Speaker 2: me alone and tried to teach me something, you would
Speaker 2: have no respect for me, none, because it would be
Speaker 2: so But no, no, I promise you.
Speaker 1: I cannot my rhythm.
Speaker 2: Someone stole it from me before I was born, and
Speaker 2: I'm tone deaf, and when I dance, it's just people
Speaker 2: have to look away, and I need something to lean on,
Speaker 2: like a ballast. I need something so that I can
Speaker 2: just sway and not move my arms and legs at
Speaker 2: the same time.
Speaker 6: Really, what you're telling us, is you need a wall to.
Speaker 2: Yes, well, I used to go out with my girlfriends
Speaker 2: and we would go to bars and get drunk. I
Speaker 2: would swing my purse around my head to like just
Speaker 2: like as a decoy to not look at my dancing,
Speaker 2: just to look at my purse, and.
Speaker 6: Just also get off your back.
Speaker 1: Duck up, back up.
Speaker 6: No, Honestly, everyone says that they can't dance, but I
Speaker 6: tell everybody like, if you can walk, dancing is just
Speaker 6: walking with style, Like that's it. Like I would be
Speaker 6: able to get you to dance so quick.
Speaker 2: Someone told me this summer that it's better to not
Speaker 2: move your if you're not a great dancer. It's better
Speaker 2: to keep your feet in one place and move the
Speaker 2: rest of your body.
Speaker 1: What are your thoughts on I.
Speaker 6: Definitely thinking we should move your feet so you don't
Speaker 6: just look like you'resser, like get like a teeter tatter.
Speaker 1: Like how long can I not move my feet for?
Speaker 6: I think I would actually start with the lower half
Speaker 6: and work your way up. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 6: Give me like a nice two set.
Speaker 2: Right right, That's what I was thinking. I was like
Speaker 2: the two step I could do, Like okay, how could
Speaker 2: you fuck that up. But once it gets more complex
Speaker 2: than that, that I'm lost. It's like I'm swimming.
Speaker 6: If you just start moving your arms is gonna start
Speaker 6: like looking like the toothpicks or like the what the
Speaker 6: the I don't know, all the flossing and weird stuff.
Speaker 6: We don't want to go there. We start from the
Speaker 6: bottom and a bigger way to the top, you know.
Speaker 1: But I do.
Speaker 2: I mean, that's how I did meet you. It was
Speaker 2: on Instagram and dancing. Congrats on your new book. It's
Speaker 2: called Keep Dancing through a Boss Family Groove.
Speaker 1: How did that come about?
Speaker 6: Actually, this book was written back in twenty twenty one
Speaker 6: into twenty twenty two, so it's it's been a long
Speaker 6: time coming. It was written with my late husband, and
Speaker 6: honestly it's just a testament to what our family would
Speaker 6: do in a day in our lives. You know, my husband,
Speaker 6: we really believed a lot in like affirmations and teaching
Speaker 6: that to our kids. And so every morning, together with
Speaker 6: both of us, we would teach our kids and like
Speaker 6: start our day with like I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm beautiful,
Speaker 6: and I'm kind, which I still do to this day
Speaker 6: of my kids every single morning and we just started realizing,
Speaker 6: like when we talk to other parents or other you know,
Speaker 6: other friends of ours, that they don't really do affirmations.
Speaker 6: And we were like, man, if we got kids to
Speaker 6: start talking kindly to themselves at a young age, like
Speaker 6: that could really help them through their like you know,
Speaker 6: going through like the preteen stage, teenage years into adulthood.
Speaker 6: So we were like, let's teach other kids what we
Speaker 6: like to do. And so the story really goes from
Speaker 6: like morning tonight, my kids, all three of them go
Speaker 6: through something like little little mini kid challenges, nothing dramatic
Speaker 6: and crazy, but either way, for them, it's big, and
Speaker 6: they use affirmations to kind of like pick themselves back up.
Speaker 6: And I think my favorite part of the book Keep
Speaker 6: Dancing Through is that it's not just coming from the
Speaker 6: parents like me and Steve, and it's not just coming
Speaker 6: from us that we teach o your kids affirmations. In
Speaker 6: the book, the siblings help each other to remind each
Speaker 6: other of that, and I thought that was like a
Speaker 6: really special way of looking at it. Because my oldest daughter,
Speaker 6: who's fifteen, so many times when my kids are going
Speaker 6: through the things, she'll step in and help. So that's
Speaker 6: something we also really wanted to kind of get through
Speaker 6: in this book. But really it's just teaching people to
Speaker 6: teach your kids affirmations and if you're having a hard day,
Speaker 6: talk kindly to yourself. So that's really the premise book.
Speaker 1: It reminds me.
Speaker 2: I was driving yesterday with a girlfriend of mine in
Speaker 2: Whistler and we were driving through this neighborhood and we
Speaker 2: saw they said, this boy and this girl. It was
Speaker 2: an older boy, probably like sixteen fifteen sixteen with his
Speaker 2: friend and then a sister. Because they looked alike, you
Speaker 2: could tell they were brother and sister. And he yelled
Speaker 2: at her and she came running back. He goes, don't
Speaker 2: ever walk away without giving me a hug. And he
Speaker 2: was with his friend and I was like, you are
Speaker 2: so cute. We were screaming out the window. I'm like,
Speaker 2: you're the best big brother ever. And he had this
Speaker 2: huge smile, and the girl looked at us and she goes,
Speaker 2: he is the best big brother ever.
Speaker 1: And I thought that was the sweetest thing.
Speaker 6: Honestly, Sibling love is my favorite. I don't think we
Speaker 6: talk about it enough. We always talk about like parent love,
Speaker 6: taking care of your friends, being there for like your relationship,
Speaker 6: and like sibling love is like if you have a
Speaker 6: close relationship with your brother or sister, like it's endless.
Speaker 6: Like I'm so close to my brothers and sisters. I'm
Speaker 6: so grateful for that because it truly is one of
Speaker 6: those relationships where you could like not talk for a week,
Speaker 6: three months a year, but wherever you start talking, it's
Speaker 6: like you never stopped. I love sibling love. It's my favorite.
Speaker 2: How many siblings do you have, Alison, I'm the youngest
Speaker 2: of five.
Speaker 1: Oh no, I'm the youngest of six, So that's what
Speaker 1: we have in common.
Speaker 6: Okay, okay, uh huh, yeah, Oh I'm dating. I'm definitely
Speaker 6: baby energy of the family. I take full advantage.
Speaker 1: Yes, totally.
Speaker 2: The baby is the best position to be in because
Speaker 2: everyone wants to do everything for you and help you.
Speaker 1: And that's why I'm so incompetent.
Speaker 2: I believe in any sort of domestic capability, like I
Speaker 2: cookie cleaning. If something happens, if one of the dogs
Speaker 2: goes to the bathroom on the rug, I just leave,
Speaker 2: like I don't want any part of it. I don't
Speaker 2: know how to clean it. I don't want to know.
Speaker 2: I tried to cook something last night, and ended up.
Speaker 2: I cooked chicken and spinach and they both ended up
Speaker 2: in the garbage. And I just am completely And I
Speaker 2: blame them because they have rendered me useless.
Speaker 6: Yes, no, blame them for sure. It's your fault that
Speaker 6: you are so good at taking care of the house.
Speaker 6: I don't know.
Speaker 1: How, yes, exactly exactly.
Speaker 6: No, I bring it in. I bring it in.
Speaker 1: Where are they? Are they in California? You're siblings.
Speaker 6: So my family all pretty much lives in Utah, although
Speaker 6: they're coming to visit me this week because we're all
Speaker 6: very close, so my mother and my brother, they're coming
Speaker 6: to stay with me. There's a lot lessen I come from,
Speaker 6: like a Utah Mormon family, so there's a lot of grandkids.
Speaker 6: There's a lot of babies running around all the time.
Speaker 6: So it's like whenever we get together, there's lots of energy.
Speaker 6: But it's really fun. Like we're very big, like game heavy,
Speaker 6: sports heavy family, so we get together, we like make teams,
Speaker 6: we'll play basketball, soccer, and it's really fun. But there's
Speaker 6: a lot of bodies to take care of.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I bet there are another reason why I before
Speaker 2: I met you, or and what I found so inspiring,
Speaker 2: which you know, the world did as well. Was how
Speaker 2: you dealt with the loss of your husband and how
Speaker 2: you dealt with your grief and with your children. And
Speaker 2: it felt like, I don't want to say it happened quickly.
Speaker 2: It felt like you were able to center and ground
Speaker 2: yourself in a way that was surprising to see and
Speaker 2: inspiring to see that you were able to really focus
Speaker 2: on the gratitude. And I want to know more about
Speaker 2: how you did that, and I want my listeners to
Speaker 2: know how you were able to wrangle your strength during
Speaker 2: that time.
Speaker 6: Well, first off, thank you. I'll be real though, I
Speaker 6: think the reason I am where I am today is
Speaker 6: multiple reasons. The first thing being I separated myself from
Speaker 6: the world for like three months. I didn't look at
Speaker 6: social media, didn't look at anything online. I honestly separated
Speaker 6: myself even from friends. And I said to my children,
Speaker 6: we have to do this together and we have to
Speaker 6: face it all, every emotion. We're not rushing the process,
Speaker 6: but we cannot ignore this process. So we didn't go
Speaker 6: to school, I didn't go to work. I didn't I
Speaker 6: didn't even do any of those things. We just sat
Speaker 6: in with our emotions and face the anger, the sad,
Speaker 6: the pain, the joy, the memories, and I went through
Speaker 6: everything together with therapists, with a very very very small
Speaker 6: group of like loved ones, just because I was like,
Speaker 6: this is not something that we can just go to
Speaker 6: the grocery store and try to be like we're okay
Speaker 6: right away. We sat together, face everything communicated, We're vulnerable,
Speaker 6: we're crying with each other, we're holding each other. Walking
Speaker 6: through our home sometimes was just tough because there's so
Speaker 6: many memories in each place. So sometimes someone would just
Speaker 6: start crying when they're walking up the stairs when they
Speaker 6: just like clicked and had a memory of him holding
Speaker 6: them there, or when we'd walk in the kitchen and
Speaker 6: look at a certain chair that was his chair. But
Speaker 6: instead I was like, let's process all this. And I
Speaker 6: think that by allowing us that space of just being
Speaker 6: together and being honest about all of the feelings. Sometimes
Speaker 6: i'd go outside and I would always tell my kids
Speaker 6: that he's in the stars, So if you ever need
Speaker 6: to talk to him, we go outside and just look
Speaker 6: up at the stars and say whatever you need to say.
Speaker 6: And sometimes it would just be you know, today is
Speaker 6: a really beautiful day. I held Zia and we played
Speaker 6: some games. Other times it would be like, I'm really
Speaker 6: upset with you, very upset. How could you do this
Speaker 6: to us? How could you do this to me? And
Speaker 6: I would let them do that as well, and I
Speaker 6: think giving us that space to properly grieve and not
Speaker 6: hide from it, we all shed a lot of layers
Speaker 6: really quickly together, and we forgave him, We forgave ourselves.
Speaker 6: You know, we laughed for the first time together as
Speaker 6: a family, which was, you know, full of mixed emotions
Speaker 6: of is this okay for us to do because you
Speaker 6: kind of feel guilt for smiling and laughing right after
Speaker 6: something like this, But we faced it all and so
Speaker 6: then slowly we started reintroducing ourselves to life and school
Speaker 6: and activities and me associating again with friends or co
Speaker 6: workers or having even the idea of going back to work.
Speaker 6: But we took our time with it, and I think
Speaker 6: that was the smartest thing for the way we did it.
Speaker 6: I can't say it's right for everyone, but it was
Speaker 6: right for us. And then we now feel comfortable talking
Speaker 6: about it publicly because we faced some different emotions, and
Speaker 6: I'm really proud of my kids for that. I'm proudly
Speaker 6: even myself to be honest for that, But we took
Speaker 6: the time to process and we're really really patient with ourselves.
Speaker 1: And how did you know how important that was to
Speaker 1: do well?
Speaker 6: A therapist told me that. But our lives are so public.
Speaker 6: I knew that even though my kids are very young,
Speaker 6: people feel very connected to us and very close with us,
Speaker 6: and I knew we'd be getting a lot of opinions,
Speaker 6: and not necessarily bad. I don't mean that to be
Speaker 6: a negative thing, but we would just have people feel
Speaker 6: so close to us that they open a lot of
Speaker 6: dialogue with us openly, whether we were at like you know,
Speaker 6: when we started associating and going out too public, just
Speaker 6: being at a grocery store, we did a lot of
Speaker 6: conversations from people that no seven year old should be
Speaker 6: really hearing. And so I needed them to be strong.
Speaker 6: I needed them to have gone through some of these
Speaker 6: emotions so then when they're like approached publicly, they have
Speaker 6: a strong sense of themselves. I needed that for them
Speaker 6: and I needed that for me, because it's not a
Speaker 6: negative thing that people want to come to us. But
Speaker 6: I know as a person that I knew people were
Speaker 6: going to come to me with their stories or need
Speaker 6: me to help them through their agony through it. So
Speaker 6: I needed to be strong enough to be able to
Speaker 6: have a full enough cup to be able to pour
Speaker 6: back into people, and unfortunately need my kids to be
Speaker 6: able to do that too, even though that's not a
Speaker 6: position they should be in. That's just kind of where
Speaker 6: we're at, especially as a society with public figures, and
Speaker 6: they're doing it. My kids have people approach them all
Speaker 6: the time about really big topics, especially my oldest who's fifteen,
Speaker 6: and she's able to hold her own and whole conversations
Speaker 6: and help people through their own tragedies as well, and
Speaker 6: it's something that we've worked really hard to get to
Speaker 6: and with tragedy and with this grief, I've learned that
Speaker 6: God and the universe really gave me this purpose and
Speaker 6: I've had to learn to accept it. But there's a
Speaker 6: bigger reason why, and it's because I'm supposed to help
Speaker 6: other people to see that there's still life after You
Speaker 6: can still honor someone, but you can still honor yourself.
Speaker 6: And that's the biggest message I'm still trying to teach
Speaker 6: people through this.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that reminds me, Catherine of what Monica Lewinsky said
Speaker 2: on our podcast Something she said, you know, when you
Speaker 2: turn your pain into.
Speaker 6: Purpose, Yeah, exactly, And.
Speaker 2: I think that is applicable to almost all pain, right,
Speaker 2: regardless of what it is, is that you you can
Speaker 2: become strong like because before this, would you ever imagine
Speaker 2: that you could be this strong?
Speaker 6: Absolutely not. I knew I was a strong person, but
Speaker 6: I never experienced grief before this. This is like I
Speaker 6: went from zero to a thousand. I never experienced anything
Speaker 6: of the degree that I'm at. And so it's been
Speaker 6: a very big learning process, but really grateful for like
Speaker 6: the people and of how around me really teaching me
Speaker 6: how to get through this, guiding me through and helping me,
Speaker 6: and to be honest, it is it's my faith. It's
Speaker 6: like my faith with God or you know, or with
Speaker 6: the spirituality that I have with the universe of just
Speaker 6: being really connected. I follow my intuitional law. I meditate
Speaker 6: a lot, and I think that's really been a huge
Speaker 6: saving grace to me and keeping me mentally sane and
Speaker 6: realizing that I've never woke up a day without being
Speaker 6: super grateful. Still, I still think it's so wonderful life,
Speaker 6: even though the hard times and the you know, the
Speaker 6: great times. I look at the world and I can't
Speaker 6: help but think that there's eight billion people here, and
Speaker 6: though I've gone through something that's you know, really really
Speaker 6: dramatic and really confusing and complex, so have a lot
Speaker 6: of people. So have a lot of people, And instead
Speaker 6: of sitting in my sorrows, like I'd rather help those
Speaker 6: people that are still going through things today get through theirs.
Speaker 6: I think as a support system, specifically for women, we
Speaker 6: just got to be the other's rocks at this point.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's very inspiring and it's very I'm sure many
Speaker 2: of the things that you're saying are going to resonate
Speaker 2: with our listeners a lot, because grief is an inescapable
Speaker 2: thing to go through during life, you know, depending. I mean,
Speaker 2: it's also substantial to different situations for everyone, but it's unavoidable.
Speaker 2: You know, we're all going to lose people, and it's
Speaker 2: about choosing how you're going to deal with that. And
Speaker 2: I think gratitude has been such a huge topic of
Speaker 2: conversation on this podcast and many others because it is
Speaker 2: so powerful. It is so powerful in your darkest moments
Speaker 2: to still have gratitude.
Speaker 6: Absolutely. I just like I have a journal that I
Speaker 6: keep that I like start with my affirmations. I go
Speaker 6: into like, you know, my goal writing, but then I
Speaker 6: always end with gratitude. I think it's the best thing
Speaker 6: ever because you can't really sit in pain if you're grateful.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And it's a weird thing how it can kind
Speaker 2: of shift it does it shifts your grief?
Speaker 6: Oh yeah, because you also learn, unfortunately but fortunately to
Speaker 6: be grateful for your experience to make you a stronger,
Speaker 6: better human. At the end of the day, Stephen was
Speaker 6: one of the most inspiring people still to the state.
Speaker 7: To me.
Speaker 6: I had thirteen years with him and loved every minute
Speaker 6: of it. I learned so much from him. We always
Speaker 6: exchange advice on self help books. We loved affirmations, we
Speaker 6: love manifestation. We would always listen to podcasts. We'd always
Speaker 6: watch inspiring like documentaries of how to get through life
Speaker 6: and people's tragedies but how they overcome. Like we shared
Speaker 6: this common love for these things. And though yes there's
Speaker 6: things that bring me a lot of pain from his actions,
Speaker 6: I still can't deny how much I learned from him.
Speaker 6: He's helped build the person I am today, and he
Speaker 6: actually helped build me to be the strongest version of myself,
Speaker 6: to be able to handle this, and so I give him,
Speaker 6: even through all this, I give him a lot of
Speaker 6: credit for making me the strongest person, be the best
Speaker 6: version of myself. For my kids so beautiful, and I
Speaker 6: still believe that.
Speaker 1: I believe it too.
Speaker 2: I mean, I can see it, and that's beautiful, and
Speaker 2: so are you, and so is your family.
Speaker 6: Thank you. I mean, listen, my kids. My kids are
Speaker 6: my champions, and I learned from them every day. I
Speaker 6: think sometimes as parents we really kind of like forget
Speaker 6: that you can learn so much from just irving your kids,
Speaker 6: but also listening to them. Like my youngest is four,
Speaker 6: and if anyone's taught me boundaries its her. She's four.
Speaker 6: We'll be cuddling on the couch watching a movie and
Speaker 6: she's like snuggling up to me. She'll stand up and leave,
Speaker 6: like where you going? She's like, I need some space.
Speaker 6: So it seemed to be boundaries. I'm like, oh, I
Speaker 6: don't have to be a people pleaser. I could just
Speaker 6: leave and take off whatever I want and that's cool. Yeah, right,
Speaker 6: and she'll re inswer herself back when she's ready. But yeah,
Speaker 6: I think I have really awesome kids to still be
Speaker 6: learning from every single day too.
Speaker 2: So okay, let's take a break and we're gonna be
Speaker 2: right back, and we're back with Alison Holker as our
Speaker 2: special guest.
Speaker 1: So excited I met you.
Speaker 2: The first time I met you was at my show,
Speaker 2: right at my show in LA when you came.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 6: It was such a great show too. I had so
Speaker 6: much fun.
Speaker 2: Okay, so, Catherine, we're gonna we're gonna take some calls
Speaker 2: from people, yes, and give them some life advice out
Speaker 2: since you're in a fucking great position to do it.
Speaker 1: I mean, you should be like a counselor.
Speaker 6: At this point, I've lived so much life. I will
Speaker 6: sit back and like, bring it on, let's see what
Speaker 6: we got. I might not have a best advice, I
Speaker 6: could definitely give some and try.
Speaker 1: Yeah no, sure, sure.
Speaker 3: Well, Adam says dear Chelsea.
Speaker 4: I just wanted to start off by saying a huge
Speaker 4: thank you and let you in on a little secret.
Speaker 3: I totally snagged are you there vodka?
Speaker 4: It's me Chelsea from my mom's shelf way too early
Speaker 4: in life. But hey, it was totally worth it because
Speaker 4: once we both realized we shared the same sense of humor,
Speaker 4: we became addicted to watching your shows together as a
Speaker 4: young gay guy. These hilarious moments brought me and my
Speaker 4: mom closer and improved our relationship big time. But I've
Speaker 4: got something on my mind that's been bugging me lately.
Speaker 4: I lost a close friend recently in a freak accident.
Speaker 4: She had a history of seizures, and unfortunately, one of
Speaker 4: them caused an accident and she didn't make it. We
Speaker 4: were tight back in college when we first met, but
Speaker 4: after we graduated things started to change. It felt like
Speaker 4: I became her personal therapist, and as I made other
Speaker 4: friends and had my own life, she seemed resentful and distant.
Speaker 4: Don't get me wrong, she was an amazing friend during
Speaker 4: our college days, but eventually I kind of ghosted her.
Speaker 4: Looking back, I know it wasn't the best way to
Speaker 4: handle it, and now that she's gone, I can't help,
Speaker 4: but wish I had had the chance to explain myself.
Speaker 4: So I'm reaching out for some advice. How can I
Speaker 4: deal with this loss and stop myself from ghosting friends
Speaker 4: without giving them proper closure when things get weird? And
Speaker 4: how do I deal with the things left unsaid? Thanks
Speaker 4: for being such a badass in everything you do. Cheers Adam.
Speaker 2: Well, first, I would say there is not You know,
Speaker 2: we say this a lot that you cannot change what
Speaker 2: you've done.
Speaker 1: You cannot change the past, but you have.
Speaker 2: To forgive yourself for the past and know that moving
Speaker 2: forward that you are going.
Speaker 1: To change your behavior.
Speaker 2: And of course it's not nice to ghost people, but
Speaker 2: I'm sure your friend who passed away has forgiven you
Speaker 2: and you need to forgive yourself and you can even
Speaker 2: do that in prayer or meditation or write it in
Speaker 2: you know, you can journal about it, and you obviously
Speaker 2: feel that. And when you feel guilt, it's true, you
Speaker 2: do feel badly for what you did. And that's all
Speaker 2: you can do because there's no way to change that.
Speaker 2: How you can make it up to her is by
Speaker 2: making sure that you don't do that to anyone else
Speaker 2: in the future. And when things do get weird, have
Speaker 2: an honest conversation with yourself before you have an honest
Speaker 2: conversation with the person you know you don't want to.
Speaker 2: It's no one feels good getting left behind, No one
Speaker 2: feels good getting ghosted.
Speaker 1: And it is so much more honorable and more difficult.
Speaker 2: To be direct and truthful to people when it is
Speaker 2: an uncomfortable situation, and once you do it one time,
Speaker 2: you're going to be so proud of yourself for handling
Speaker 2: it like an adult that it will become your new habit.
Speaker 2: And you have to be accountable to yourself. You know,
Speaker 2: you have to be accountable to yourself. That is what
Speaker 2: honor is like. When no one's looking, what are you
Speaker 2: going to do? When no one's watching? What are you
Speaker 2: going to do? So I just I would say, just
Speaker 2: to move forward in a completely new way and make
Speaker 2: a promise to yourself that you're not going to make
Speaker 2: that mistake again, because, as Oprah says, when you know better,
Speaker 2: you do better, and that is very true.
Speaker 1: Allison, what do you think?
Speaker 6: I first off, agree with everything you just said because
Speaker 6: I believe about speaking things into the world and into
Speaker 6: the universe. So if you need forgiveness and need forgive
Speaker 6: it from her, just speak it out loud. Go outside,
Speaker 6: go to a mountain, talk, go into nature, scream it out,
Speaker 6: say I'm so sorry, I wish I did this. Get
Speaker 6: it off of you. Give yourself after though, is the
Speaker 6: biggest thing. You have to say it to yourself though,
Speaker 6: because I think sometimes forget people, forget that the person
Speaker 6: you're talking to is yourself the most throughout the day.
Speaker 6: You have to be the person forgive you. You're not going
Speaker 6: to hear it from someone else, so you have to
Speaker 6: speak it out, get it off of you, forgive yourself.
Speaker 6: But then also remember that people do come in seasons
Speaker 6: and they know that for themselves as well. It's okay
Speaker 6: to be in a relationship with someone, love someone, have
Speaker 6: a friend, have a family member that you love so
Speaker 6: much and that you do kind of set brand part ways.
Speaker 6: I do agree with Chelsea, have a conversation with them
Speaker 6: before you just ghost them. But it's okay to have
Speaker 6: someone that was in your life for twelve years kind
Speaker 6: of becomes someone that you now move on from. That's okay,
Speaker 6: and I think people don't realize that you don't have
Speaker 6: to hold onto relationships that are no longer working and
Speaker 6: valid for both parties. It's okay for people to come
Speaker 6: in for a month, a year, seven years, because sometimes
Speaker 6: you meet someone new and they feel like you've known
Speaker 6: them forever, and that's great to accept a new move
Speaker 6: in your life.
Speaker 1: I always have new friends.
Speaker 2: I'm always making new friends and I do and I've
Speaker 2: just wrote about this in my new book, which is
Speaker 2: you know Some people are there just for a season,
Speaker 2: you know, in your life. Some people are there to
Speaker 2: help you through a time in your life. And sometimes
Speaker 2: you're the person helping another person through the time in
Speaker 2: their life. But you don't have to look at anything
Speaker 2: as permanent. And sometimes that's all it is. It's a
Speaker 2: three year friendship or a ten year friendship or a
Speaker 2: couple months friendship. Sometimes that's it and you won't know
Speaker 2: the purpose of it, maybe ever, But you just have
Speaker 2: to try TuS that either you're there for them or
Speaker 2: they're there for you, and that was important. And then
Speaker 2: when you move on, be graceful about it.
Speaker 6: Absolutely.
Speaker 4: Yeah, And like Chelsea said about not doing it again,
Speaker 4: I think maybe the lesson here that you're going to
Speaker 4: take away is that you're not going to do this
Speaker 4: to another person. And maybe that next person is the
Speaker 4: one that like will really need you.
Speaker 3: To gracefully exit the relationship.
Speaker 1: That sort of thing, right, And.
Speaker 2: The person that you lost gave you this lesson, and
Speaker 2: so that isn't worth nothing either.
Speaker 1: You know that is meaningful.
Speaker 2: That relationship is meaningful because it's going to change how
Speaker 2: you deal with everyone else in the future.
Speaker 6: Yeah, And to be honest, I'm a person that's like
Speaker 6: very non confrontational. So when there's a conversation that has
Speaker 6: to be had that feels like it could go either
Speaker 6: side and not in control of it, I get very
Speaker 6: nervous about them. So that's even a lesson I'm trying
Speaker 6: to teach myself right now, is like not being scared
Speaker 6: of a conversation, being uncomfortable, maybe having a little bit
Speaker 6: of conflict and having to work it out with someone.
Speaker 6: It's very, very scary, But at the end of the day,
Speaker 6: once you start doing it, each conversation you have becomes
Speaker 6: easier and easier and easier to face.
Speaker 4: All right, Adam, Well write us in, give us an
Speaker 4: update after you, you know, have that conversation, write that
Speaker 4: letter and keep us posted on how you are.
Speaker 1: Alison. Do you ski?
Speaker 6: I've skied, but it's been years and years and years,
Speaker 6: so I'd have to like relearn retry it. It's been
Speaker 6: a while.
Speaker 1: But I grew oh right, right, right, so of course
Speaker 1: you had to ski.
Speaker 6: But when I was younger, you're a skier.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I can ski. You can teach me how to dance,
Speaker 2: and I can teach you how to ski fire.
Speaker 6: I'm so in on all of that.
Speaker 1: And then we can dance ski. Maybe we can do
Speaker 1: a dance ski for my fiftieth next year.
Speaker 6: Oh I'm so down. Don't kill me with a good time.
Speaker 1: That would be so funny. Oh my god. If I
Speaker 1: could dance on.
Speaker 2: Skis, actually, I'd probably be a better dancer on skis.
Speaker 6: Really would just be the upper money.
Speaker 7: I know that.
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh look, look I got rid of them.
Speaker 3: Have you guys seen those videos?
Speaker 4: There are videos that have been circulating recently that are
Speaker 4: like in the eighties, it was like an Olympic sport
Speaker 4: where people would like ski dance and it's like the
Speaker 4: most eighties thing ever.
Speaker 3: It's kind of incredible.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's it's like slow dancing on skis. I've seen
Speaker 2: it going around.
Speaker 6: Yes, I have not seen that. I'm gonna definitely look
Speaker 6: it up.
Speaker 3: Though, worsha Google for sure, for sure.
Speaker 7: Well.
Speaker 4: Our next question comes from Krinne. She says, Dear Chelsea,
Speaker 4: I recently turned forty and welcomed my first baby, the
Speaker 4: cutest boy.
Speaker 3: In December.
Speaker 4: Actually, we live in Ottawa, and I missed Chelsea's show
Speaker 4: here because I was giving birth.
Speaker 3: Womp.
Speaker 4: I have lots to be happy about, and I am,
Speaker 4: but There's one thing I can't stop steing about. On
Speaker 4: Christmas Night last year, my dad's partner of nearly twenty
Speaker 4: years and our stepmom, announced she was leaving him and
Speaker 4: ghosted us completely. She took all of her things that
Speaker 4: evening after guests had left, and we have not heard
Speaker 4: from her since. I'm normally one to say fuck it,
Speaker 4: let's let this go and move forward, but I'm struggling.
Speaker 4: My question is do I reach out to her. I
Speaker 4: don't want a relationship with her, and it's clear she
Speaker 4: doesn't want one with us, but the complete disappearance and
Speaker 4: deceit continue to bother me. She told my dad she
Speaker 4: had decided to end the relationship a month prior, but
Speaker 4: wanted to get through Christmas. Why she went through the
Speaker 4: motions of sending us her Christmas list, so her Christmas
Speaker 4: list of what she wanted. This really grinds my gears
Speaker 4: and even hosting dinner, but why If she had left
Speaker 4: before Christmas, we could have hosted my dad and started
Speaker 4: a new tradition with his first grandson, But instead we
Speaker 4: spent the day with her family, most notably her drunk
Speaker 4: brother who kept telling me I still looked pregnant. If
Speaker 4: I were to reach out, I'm not sure it would
Speaker 4: be worth it. And what am I even looking for?
Speaker 3: Need help?
Speaker 2: Bestkrinn Hi, Karen, Hi, Hi, this is Alison Hooker, our
Speaker 2: special guest today.
Speaker 6: Nice to meet you you too.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you don't want to reach out to her, You're
Speaker 2: not going to get any information.
Speaker 1: And I understand what you're saying.
Speaker 2: You wish she would have left before Christmas, but she
Speaker 2: probably thought she was. She definitely thought she was doing
Speaker 2: the right thing by sticking it through Christmas, which probably
Speaker 2: ninety percent of people would say they would do, is
Speaker 2: stick it out through the hall to do the right
Speaker 2: thing and then get through the holidays and call it.
Speaker 1: So you're not looking for answers. You're irked.
Speaker 2: Yes, you had to spend Christmas with her drunk brother,
Speaker 2: but guess what, you'll never have to see him again,
Speaker 2: and you'll never have to.
Speaker 1: See her again. And how is your father doing.
Speaker 7: He's having a hard time, Like I think that's the
Speaker 7: part of it we're struggling with, Like he was completely shocked.
Speaker 7: So the anger I have is like, yes, I totally
Speaker 7: agree with you. She's like a sweet person and kind
Speaker 7: of wanted to get through the holidays, but I guess
Speaker 7: just the embarrassment to him, like we gave her like
Speaker 7: new grandma ornaments, like I don't care, like move along.
Speaker 7: She deserves to be happy, but I think it's that
Speaker 7: part that I'm struggling with and like seeing him struggle.
Speaker 2: Right, I would take all of your energy and anger
Speaker 2: towards her and put it towards supporting and loving and
Speaker 2: comforting him.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Like take.
Speaker 2: All of that anger and just focus on him and
Speaker 2: help him through this difficult time, because that is who's
Speaker 2: hurting really, you know, and you're hurting on behalf of him.
Speaker 2: You're not missing her, you know, you don't. She's not
Speaker 2: gonna give you any answers that you're gonna like or
Speaker 2: that are gonna help, I promise.
Speaker 6: Sometimes the thing is people we hope to hear something
Speaker 6: that's gonna make us feel better, so we have preconceived ideas.
Speaker 6: I'm like, maybe she'll say this happened or maybe it
Speaker 6: was because of this, but really you don't.
Speaker 1: Know what it is.
Speaker 6: And then that's what's really scary, is the unknown of why,
Speaker 6: and you have so many questions about it. But whatever
Speaker 6: she says, even if she does give you an answer,
Speaker 6: you might not like and it might make it worse
Speaker 6: or more confusing, or it might not even be an
Speaker 6: honest answer from her. She might just be trying to
Speaker 6: like soften the whatever it was. So for me, at
Speaker 6: the end of the day, it's more about you forgiving
Speaker 6: and moving on through it. Right, you are all working
Speaker 6: together in your family of finding your own piece and
Speaker 6: just moving forward together as a unit.
Speaker 7: Yeah, for sure. And it's totally me being like petty
Speaker 7: and a stickler, Like I totally get that, And I
Speaker 7: just have struggled with why does it even bother me?
Speaker 7: Because I would tell anyone exactly what Chelsea just said.
Speaker 2: It bothers you because it's your father and you love
Speaker 2: him and you care about him and you hate see
Speaker 2: him in pain.
Speaker 1: That's why it bothers you.
Speaker 2: But you have a new baby, and that's a great
Speaker 2: focal point, Like that's great for your dad to focus on.
Speaker 1: That's great for you to focus on.
Speaker 2: And all you can do is just be a ballast
Speaker 2: for him, just support him, love him, show up for him,
Speaker 2: let him vent to you.
Speaker 1: Has he had communication with her since they.
Speaker 7: Broke up, only that she wrote him that she canceled
Speaker 7: his Netflix, Like that's the only Wow.
Speaker 2: Oh, God, not really, Yeah, just new beginnings. You have
Speaker 2: to think about it as new beginnings. There's a time
Speaker 2: for grieving, there's a time for morning, and then there's
Speaker 2: a time for like planting and harvesting. And in this
Speaker 2: cycle you are going to get to the next phase
Speaker 2: and just stick with him, you know, use all of
Speaker 2: that anger and turn it into love for your father.
Speaker 7: Yeah, okay, we are.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm sure you are.
Speaker 2: But when you want to reach out to her, just
Speaker 2: redirect that attention towards him.
Speaker 7: Okay, that's helpful.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think that's really good advice.
Speaker 2: I think that's the right thing. So yes, and you know,
Speaker 2: be graceful when it's over. Always be graceful when it's over,
Speaker 2: someone tells you they don't want to be there anymore.
Speaker 1: Thank you for letting us know. Goodbye.
Speaker 7: Yeah totally. I just needed to hear.
Speaker 6: If they want to go, you've got to let them go. Unfortunately,
Speaker 6: even though it causes you pain, but you're gonna be okay.
Speaker 7: Yeah, thank you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no problem.
Speaker 4: Rio.
Speaker 3: Well, thanks for calling Ankorin of course, take care.
Speaker 6: All right.
Speaker 3: Our next one is just an email. This comes from Meredith.
Speaker 3: She says, should I tell my mom about my dad's girlfriend.
Speaker 4: Ah, and it's a little bit of a tricky it's
Speaker 4: a little bit of a tricky title.
Speaker 3: But but you'll say, you'll see.
Speaker 2: I have to say I love salacious affairs, like I
Speaker 2: don't want them to happen to everyone.
Speaker 1: But I do like to hear about it.
Speaker 3: I know, I know.
Speaker 4: Sometimes I'm like, I'm sorry you're going through this, but
Speaker 4: it's great for the time.
Speaker 1: I can't help it.
Speaker 3: Oh, we do like hearing about it.
Speaker 4: Okay, so it's a little bit of a misdirect But
Speaker 4: Dear Chelsea, my sister's daughter has autism, and there's one
Speaker 4: teacher of hers who's been particularly extraordinary. My sister has
Speaker 4: talked to our mom about this teacher a lot because
Speaker 4: of all the wonderful things she's done for my niece
Speaker 4: over the years. But my sister withholds the fact that
Speaker 4: this teacher has been dating our dad for the past
Speaker 4: six months and things are getting serious. In a few weeks,
Speaker 4: my mom and I will be flying in for my
Speaker 4: niece's birthday. My dad and his girlfriend will also be
Speaker 4: at all the birthday events. My dad knows my mom
Speaker 4: will be there, but my mom doesn't know my dad
Speaker 4: has a girlfriend. Let alone that it's someone she knows.
Speaker 4: Though my parents have been divorced for twenty years and
Speaker 4: live in different states, my mom still has a short.
Speaker 3: Fuse when it comes to my dad.
Speaker 4: My dad, sister and I are expecting my mom's reaction
Speaker 4: to be explosive, yelling, crying, running away, etc. I ask
Speaker 4: my sister multiple times to tell our mom about our
Speaker 4: dad's relationship so our mom has time to process and
Speaker 4: she doesn't create a scene at my niece's birthday party.
Speaker 4: But it's been months and it's clear my sister is
Speaker 4: not going to do it. Do I tell my mom
Speaker 4: about my dad's girlfriend, Meredith?
Speaker 2: I'd say yes, I didn't realize they're not married. He's
Speaker 2: allowed to have a girlfriend. That's allowed. Yes, they've been
Speaker 2: divorced and separated for a long time, and yes, to
Speaker 2: save the drama from the actual day, I would absolutely
Speaker 2: be honest with your mother, since your sister camp bring
Speaker 2: herself to do it and your father's I mean, I
Speaker 2: don't know that he has a responsibility to even tell
Speaker 2: her because they've been separated for so long. So I think,
Speaker 2: as a daughter, yes, I think you should tell her
Speaker 2: and say listen, I want to tell you something. This
Speaker 2: is going to be maybe difficult for you to hear,
Speaker 2: but I just want our niece not to suffer anything,
Speaker 2: you know, have any.
Speaker 1: Bad vibes on her birthday. Yeah, but this is the situation.
Speaker 6: Someone that's been separated for twenty years absolutely has permission
Speaker 6: to start date. I mean, there's not really a time frame
Speaker 6: for any of that, right, you don't want that to
Speaker 6: happen at a party. And also it's also one of
Speaker 6: those things like if she is explosive and it has
Speaker 6: this big personality that is going to blow up, you
Speaker 6: should get that that fuse to be started outside of
Speaker 6: the party at home on her own, because she's going
Speaker 6: to show up the party and she's going to see
Speaker 6: them together. She's going to feel the energy, and that
Speaker 6: girlfriend shouldn't have to hide the emotion she has for
Speaker 6: the dad, but she shouldn't have to act like they're
Speaker 6: not together while she's there to protect someone else's feelings
Speaker 6: because they have an explosive personality.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and I'm sure the sister who is like the
Speaker 4: mom of the niece, I'm sure the sister like hasn't
Speaker 4: told mom because she's like, oh, well then mom won't come.
Speaker 3: But you can't just like surprise people with this, like
Speaker 3: if if that's.
Speaker 4: Mom's prerogative and she doesn't want to come because Dad's
Speaker 4: going to be there with his girlfriend, Like she's allowed
Speaker 4: to do that.
Speaker 3: And she has to be able to make her own choice.
Speaker 2: I'm not a big proponent of choosing making choices for
Speaker 2: other people, right. You give people the information and then
Speaker 2: they decide what they're going to do with it. You
Speaker 2: give them the truth and then they decide. You can't
Speaker 2: decide for your mother that she's you know what I mean,
Speaker 2: And your sister can't decide for your mother either, Like, oh,
Speaker 2: maybe she'll find out at the part, Like that's so
Speaker 2: unfair and it's so disloyal. You know, that's your mother
Speaker 2: and that's your father, and you want to be actually
Speaker 2: respectful to both of them. And I also would include
Speaker 2: making sure your mom knows how much this woman has
Speaker 2: done for your niece, because I think that's important information
Speaker 2: for your mother to hear and to kind of mitigate
Speaker 2: her anger.
Speaker 3: Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2: I love the idea though, that you would be separated
Speaker 2: for twenty years and your ex would be pissed that
Speaker 2: you're dating. Like, I love the notion of that. I
Speaker 2: mean I honestly believe your mom. I mean, there's a
Speaker 2: chance your mom will have absolutely no fucking reaction whatsoever
Speaker 2: true other than the fact that you guys all knew
Speaker 2: about it and no one said anything to her.
Speaker 6: Maybe we should also get her dating, like why does
Speaker 6: no one tell she? Probably maybe she should date someone,
Speaker 6: like maybe you put her on a date.
Speaker 2: Who knows who what she's up to. Maybe she is
Speaker 2: and is too scared to tell her own family. But
Speaker 2: I don't like secrets within families. It's like, no, there's
Speaker 2: no necessary that, there's no need to get be secretive
Speaker 2: like that when you're hiding something that creates toxicity.
Speaker 1: I feel like secrets are always a toxic thing.
Speaker 3: What do they say, you're only as sick as your secrets.
Speaker 3: I think that's like an age.
Speaker 2: Oh, yes, that's right, you're only as sick as your secrets.
Speaker 2: Luckily I have none.
Speaker 1: I have a couple.
Speaker 4: But all right, Well, our next caller is Jess, And
Speaker 4: this question is kind of about like when you're very
Speaker 4: busy making sure that there's time for your family, for balance,
Speaker 4: all that stuff. So Jess is thirty seven and she's
Speaker 4: in Grand Rapids, Michigan. She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm living
Speaker 4: my dream. I have my dream wife, my dream job,
Speaker 4: and quite frankly, my dream life. We don't have kids,
Speaker 4: and we're lucky enough to have the opportunity to travel often,
Speaker 4: and I'm really proud of and happy with the life
Speaker 4: we've created. Unfortunately, my incredible wife of almost ten years
Speaker 4: is not having the same experience. It breaks my heart,
Speaker 4: especially since it seems I'm partially to blame. I started
Speaker 4: a nonprofit seven years ago that utilizes gardening and caring
Speaker 4: for reskewed animals to teach life skills, social skills, and
Speaker 4: job skills to adults with autism. It's the most difficult
Speaker 4: and rewarding thing I've ever done. It requires a lot
Speaker 4: of sacrifices money, time, and energy, and it all goes
Speaker 4: back into the organization. I really try hard to balance
Speaker 4: it with my life at home, but I never seem
Speaker 4: to be able to give my wife everything she needs
Speaker 4: from me. She says that I have nothing left for
Speaker 4: her after work, and she's not wrong. It can be
Speaker 4: all consuming. There's no money to be made in this field.
Speaker 4: We're fortunate to break even, and as an organization, we
Speaker 4: don't even have the finances to hire extra help. At
Speaker 4: the moment, I'm not willing to give my wife less
Speaker 4: than she deserves. I'm also not willing to give up
Speaker 4: this dream. There are too many people depending on it.
Speaker 3: So what do I do?
Speaker 4: I want to make a difference in the world, But
Speaker 4: my wife is not going to put up with this
Speaker 4: much longer. She's already given so much, aside from winning
Speaker 4: the lottery to fund the organization. I don't feel like
Speaker 4: there's a real win here. Please help, Thank you so
Speaker 4: so much.
Speaker 2: Jess, Hi, Jess, this is all especially just Alsinholker today.
Speaker 5: Oh my gosh, wonderful.
Speaker 2: Okay, so your wife is pissed because she doesn't get
Speaker 2: enough of your attention. Basically, so when you come home
Speaker 2: from work, like, what are your work hours?
Speaker 5: Like, Oh, they're just all over the place. I mean
Speaker 5: I work seven days a week.
Speaker 7: It depends.
Speaker 3: It just depends on what.
Speaker 5: The needs of the animals are. And you know, depending
Speaker 5: on if I get you know, we could be on
Speaker 5: a day or doing something and I get pulled away
Speaker 5: because the animals escape the fence or whatever. There's just
Speaker 5: always something that comes up. It's just there's always a need.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's tough. And what does your wife have a job,
Speaker 2: what's her schedule?
Speaker 5: Like, she is a bartender. She works most evenings some daytimes,
Speaker 5: but her work is very much you know, like leave
Speaker 5: it there, whereas mine I bring it home. And so
Speaker 5: even with I even when I am having time with her,
Speaker 5: I'm very distracted thinking about all of these people that
Speaker 5: are depending on me. For a lot of our participants,
Speaker 5: it's they don't have other options, so we're pretty much
Speaker 5: their only source of support. So if someone calls me up,
Speaker 5: I kind of feel obligated to, you know, respond to that.
Speaker 2: And so you can work at any time of the day,
Speaker 2: like you could call it in. I mean, are there
Speaker 2: other people that you can delegate stuff to that work.
Speaker 5: With you to an extent, Yes, but we don't have
Speaker 5: the funds to hire enough staff for that. So generally,
Speaker 5: if it's like in off hours or out of whatever
Speaker 5: hours we have, then it's pretty much just.
Speaker 1: Me, okay.
Speaker 2: And when people call you for an emergency, like, give
Speaker 2: me an example of what an emergency is.
Speaker 5: Well, if it's a parent calling, it could be that
Speaker 5: the parent is having a crisis with their son or
Speaker 5: daughter and they need help figuring out how to calm
Speaker 5: them and how to stabilize them. If it's coming from
Speaker 5: the organization the farm. It could be that animals have
Speaker 5: gotten out of the fence. It could be that an
Speaker 5: animal is sick. It could be any number of things.
Speaker 5: It just depends during the growing season. It could have
Speaker 5: to do with our garden. It could have to do
Speaker 5: with managing whatever pass or deer or what I mean.
Speaker 5: It could be literally hundreds of thousands of reasons.
Speaker 3: It's like morning tonight every single day, basically.
Speaker 6: Right, absolutely, absolutely well.
Speaker 2: It sounds like you're going to have to find sometimes
Speaker 2: to just block out any sort of you know, needs
Speaker 2: from your work, like little pockets you know, on certain
Speaker 2: days when your wife isn't working, whether it's like a
Speaker 2: Saturday morning for two hours that you are not going
Speaker 2: to answer your phone or respond to your phone, you know,
Speaker 2: and leave a message that you're not available for these
Speaker 2: two hours, because it is reasonable for her to be
Speaker 2: irritated at that. It sounds like a twenty four hour job.
Speaker 2: And if you really want to hold on to this relationship,
Speaker 2: which I'm assuming you do, absolutely yeah, then you have
Speaker 2: to compromise and you're going to have to figure out
Speaker 2: away to either delegate some of your responsibilities or just
Speaker 2: have these like little blackout curtains throughout the week, you know,
Speaker 2: I mean a couple of hours like each you know,
Speaker 2: whatever days that you guys want to spend together, or
Speaker 2: even if it's in the mornings where you're not going
Speaker 2: to look at your phone and you're going to have
Speaker 2: a message on your phone saying I will be back
Speaker 2: and responding to messages at ten am or you know,
Speaker 2: four pm.
Speaker 1: I'm not answering messages from two to four.
Speaker 2: You're gonna have to do that, and you're gonna have
Speaker 2: to find somebody who can pick who can take care
Speaker 2: of things for those two hours that you can delegate
Speaker 2: that too, and I think you can. It sounds like
Speaker 2: what you're doing is pretty like noble, and the people
Speaker 2: that you work with are probably going to want to
Speaker 2: you know, is there some exchange you can do with
Speaker 2: the other people that also work there where you can
Speaker 2: kind of cover each other.
Speaker 5: Yes, yes, I think there is some of that. I think,
Speaker 5: you know, it's also a big boundary issue I have
Speaker 5: with the participants and the parents of the participants of
Speaker 5: the program, where you know, well, I have kind of
Speaker 5: made myself available twenty four to seven, and I need
Speaker 5: to kind of change that precedent because it's not working
Speaker 5: for us.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean even if you're available nine to five,
Speaker 4: it's too much because then you still have to do
Speaker 4: all this care for all these animals in the off hours,
Speaker 4: you know. I mean you can't be these people's like
Speaker 4: primary point of contact for like you know, medical and
Speaker 4: emotional emergencies and have this like farm situation. I do
Speaker 4: have some thoughts, like specifically how to like bring in
Speaker 4: additional help, you know.
Speaker 3: I think if Tiger King taught us anything, it.
Speaker 4: Is that there is a world of people out there
Speaker 4: who love animals and are ready to volunteer to come
Speaker 4: help at something like this, especially because it's for you know,
Speaker 4: members of the autistic community and helping people as well.
Speaker 4: So you're in Grand Rapids, Michigan, right, Yes, And do
Speaker 4: you have like an Instagram or somewhere where people can
Speaker 4: reach out to you if this sounds like they would
Speaker 4: like to volunteer.
Speaker 5: Yes, Yes, you can do it through the website site,
Speaker 5: which is we grow roots dot org.
Speaker 4: Amazing, amazing, and we'll make sure that we put that
Speaker 4: in the description as well. And I think Chelsea is right,
Speaker 4: like a date night goes a really long way or
Speaker 4: date morning, if it's like we know every Saturday morning
Speaker 4: we're going out to brunch or whatever it is.
Speaker 2: But yeah, you are boundaryless and it's honorable for what
Speaker 2: you're doing, so I can understand it. But if you
Speaker 2: put the effort towards your spouse and say, I'm going
Speaker 2: to put two of these days aside, two of these
Speaker 2: time slots aside, whether it's Friday night or Tuesday night
Speaker 2: or Saturday morning, whatever, this is just for us. I'm
Speaker 2: going to let everyone know that I'm not going to
Speaker 2: be reachable during those hours. And you can be honest
Speaker 2: if you want to be being Like, listen, my relationship
Speaker 2: is suffering because of my work. I've over you know,
Speaker 2: I have no boundaries, and it's necessary for me to
Speaker 2: create some. I've spoken with a counselor her name is
Speaker 2: Chelsea Handler, and I need to create some boundaries because
Speaker 2: you want to save your marriage, and when you put
Speaker 2: forth that effort towards.
Speaker 1: Your partner, a little goes a really long way.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I pull those non negotia in my life, like
Speaker 6: I absolutely I am blocked off Saturday mornings from nine
Speaker 6: to twelve or or and do whatever we want to do.
Speaker 6: No one can contact me, no checking your emails. But
Speaker 6: you also have to be diligent of like not checking
Speaker 6: your phones and going back to those people reaching out
Speaker 6: at the same time. But I even think, for me,
Speaker 6: when I'm hearing your story, I agree with you, like
Speaker 6: the boundaries. We definitely have to put up boundaries. But
Speaker 6: it also seems like you have to have non negotiable
Speaker 6: time for just yourself because you keep pouring into so
Speaker 6: many people and you're talking about your relationship, you're talking
Speaker 6: about the animals, talking about your charit. But like you
Speaker 6: also have to protect your energy. So I think you
Speaker 6: have to have like a date night that's like scheduled,
Speaker 6: but also you have to have time for yourself, whether
Speaker 6: it's working out, going on a walk by yourself. I
Speaker 6: think you need to prioritize yourself so then by the
Speaker 6: time you get to date night, you even have energy
Speaker 6: to be able to pour into someone.
Speaker 5: Thank you. Yeah that is that's I feel like that
Speaker 5: is a really important piece that I'm missing. For sure,
Speaker 5: I give everything I have to whomever I can give
Speaker 5: it to, and then yeah, I feel pretty drained. So
Speaker 5: I think that thank you, thank you for that recommendation.
Speaker 2: It is so important what Elson just said, Like, if
Speaker 2: your cup is full, you are able to fill other's cup.
Speaker 2: When your cup is depleted, you're empty handed, right, You
Speaker 2: know what I mean. So you have to fig whether
Speaker 2: it's meditating every morning, whether it is giving yourself an
Speaker 2: hour every morning to get centered and focused so that
Speaker 2: you are available, and to know when you are reaching
Speaker 2: your limit, and to know and say, I am not
Speaker 2: going to be helpful to you at this point because
Speaker 2: I've overworked and I need to be fresh, like I
Speaker 2: need to refresh. And part of that refresh is spending
Speaker 2: time with your wife, quality time with your wife, and
Speaker 2: part of it is spending quality time alone. I would
Speaker 2: spend more time with your wife than alone right now,
Speaker 2: because it sounds like.
Speaker 1: She's fucking pissed off. So I would really go in
Speaker 1: on that.
Speaker 2: But I would really even if it's fifteen minutes every
Speaker 2: morning where you just sit and you meditate, or you
Speaker 2: sit and you do affirmations, you know, but you have
Speaker 2: to really be respectful of your time and your bandwidth.
Speaker 2: And I know, oh that to be true. I've been there,
Speaker 2: Allison's been there, Catherine's been there. Every single person has
Speaker 2: lit the candle at both ends. And paid the price
Speaker 2: because you're not giving the best of yourself when you're
Speaker 2: that depleted.
Speaker 5: So how do how do the three of you manage
Speaker 5: your personal relationships being how busy you all three are well?
Speaker 6: With mine, so with my I have three children, so
Speaker 6: I'll talk about those relationships. I schedule out something that's
Speaker 6: personal for them each week. That's kind of like everyone
Speaker 6: looks for. Like my daughter, she loves to get her
Speaker 6: nails done, so we get her nails done and that's
Speaker 6: our own time, just us too. I do it every
Speaker 6: single time with her. It's very consistent. I also send
Speaker 6: her flowers every month just because I between us. But
Speaker 6: then my son Max, I take into Yogurtland and just
Speaker 6: a date with us without the other kids. So I
Speaker 6: always make sure that each kid gets even just an
Speaker 6: hour of my time, no phone, no work, no friends,
Speaker 6: no other kids, and it's just focused on them.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's nice.
Speaker 4: I think setting the time on your calendar is like
Speaker 4: absolutely helpful.
Speaker 3: It's a seesaw too.
Speaker 4: You know, some weeks are going to be busier, some
Speaker 4: weeks you're not going to be as busy. So for me,
Speaker 4: I know it's like, oh my gosh, I haven't really
Speaker 4: connected with my husband. In a little while, I'm gonna
Speaker 4: like put some time on the calendar. Hey, on Friday,
Speaker 4: we're doing absolutely nothing but date night or hanging out
Speaker 4: and watching a movie or whatever it is.
Speaker 1: And I think, you know, you're a giver.
Speaker 2: You're giving out your output output output, And you know,
Speaker 2: I've gone through phases in my life where people are
Speaker 2: going through things and it is so important for me
Speaker 2: to be a good friend, Like that is my number
Speaker 2: one thing. Like I love to show up for people
Speaker 2: when they're in crisis or when they need me, Like
Speaker 2: I am dependable and I am reliable.
Speaker 1: Those are the things I've always wanted to be.
Speaker 2: But you have to understand that when it is time
Speaker 2: for you to be selfish, like for you to take
Speaker 2: care of yourself, Like people think, oh, I'm being so
Speaker 2: Like it's not selfish, it's filling yourself up with more gas,
Speaker 2: spending your time alone. Like you have to take that
Speaker 2: time and say, yes, I am going to be selfish.
Speaker 1: Right now.
Speaker 2: You've given enough to enough people to like get you
Speaker 2: into heaven three times over. So when you need that
Speaker 2: time alone, you have to a be able to recognize it,
Speaker 2: recognize when you're like depleted and go okay, okay, okay,
Speaker 2: you're not of good use to anyone, certainly not your
Speaker 2: partner or the people that you work with when you
Speaker 2: are constantly running on empty. So you have to really
Speaker 2: really be able to a recognize it and then be
Speaker 2: execute that by going, Okay, this is my time. I'm
Speaker 2: going to go for a walk, I'm going to refresh,
Speaker 2: I'm going to recharge, I'm going to take a nap
Speaker 2: for thirty minutes. Whatever it is that you need to
Speaker 2: do that's going to make you feel better. Do not
Speaker 2: be shy about asking for it and.
Speaker 1: Then taking it.
Speaker 6: Thank you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and don't be shy.
Speaker 2: About asking people that work with you for that time too,
Speaker 2: you know, tell them I need thirty minutes right now,
Speaker 2: I need to recharge. I need to go spend this
Speaker 2: time with my wife. Don't be shy about asking for favors.
Speaker 2: People are more willing to do things for you than
Speaker 2: we all know.
Speaker 5: Yeah, you're right, you're right. I need to be a
Speaker 5: better at asking for help, that's for sure.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not You're not a hero when you're just
Speaker 2: constantly getting drained, Right, it feels like you're doing the
Speaker 2: right thing, but it's not heroic, yeah, because in the
Speaker 2: end everyone suffers.
Speaker 4: Yeah, right right, And saying no is a bit of
Speaker 4: a muscle you have to work like. It will be
Speaker 4: hard for you at first, and you may get people
Speaker 4: who are like you weren't there, but you know what,
Speaker 4: they will realize that, like you need time for yourself
Speaker 4: and that's okay. Like it's okay if sometimes you get
Speaker 4: people who are upset about it, because they'll kind of
Speaker 4: get used to it as well, or they won't and
Speaker 4: they'll go find some other boundaryless person to bother.
Speaker 3: But the more you work that muscle of saying no
Speaker 3: and setting a boundary, the better you'll get at it.
Speaker 5: Yeah. I think that's really important because I don't want
Speaker 5: to be unavailable for anyone, but I also don't want
Speaker 5: to be available twenty four to seven. And I think
Speaker 5: I've given certain people sort of this unending support that
Speaker 5: just has no limits, and so I need to start
Speaker 5: setting a boundary and changing that precedent.
Speaker 2: Change that precedent, pick a few hour windows throughout the week,
Speaker 2: and also stop answering calls at a certain time of night,
Speaker 2: whether it's eight o'clock or nine, whatever you feel comfortable with.
Speaker 2: But as an expression of love to your partner. I
Speaker 2: am not going to answer calls past this time.
Speaker 1: I'm just not.
Speaker 2: Whatever happens, that happens, and I'll be available tomorrow during
Speaker 2: workout yepes.
Speaker 1: But pick a time and start sticking to that.
Speaker 2: And people do respect when you set boundaries. They don't
Speaker 2: like it in the beginning, but they respect.
Speaker 4: It, right right, all right, Jess, Well keep us posting,
Speaker 4: all right.
Speaker 5: I will thank you so much, all three of you
Speaker 5: for your time. It's been such a pleasure to meet you.
Speaker 6: Thank you.
Speaker 5: I appreciate it so much.
Speaker 2: Oh, you're welcome, Jess. Good luck with everything, and thank
Speaker 2: you for the work you're doing.
Speaker 7: Oh.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, take care.
Speaker 6: Bye.
Speaker 2: Okay, we're going to take a quick break and we're
Speaker 2: going to wrap it up with Alison Holker and we're
Speaker 2: back Allison. Allison's new book, you guys, it's a children's book.
Speaker 2: It's called Keep Dancing Through. It's a boss family groove
Speaker 2: and it's all about positive affirmations for your children and
Speaker 2: way to spread joy and sunshine. Allison, Before you go,
Speaker 2: I do want to ask you if you could give
Speaker 2: one piece of advice to anyone experiencing grief or loss.
Speaker 1: What would you say.
Speaker 6: Life isn't about what happens to you, It's about how
Speaker 6: you walk through it.
Speaker 1: Love it, love it. Thank you so much for being
Speaker 1: our guest today.
Speaker 2: I adore you, and I well, I'm going to contact
Speaker 2: you when I'm back in La so we can have
Speaker 2: a drink together.
Speaker 6: I love that way.
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, and congrats on everything. And you can see
Speaker 2: her every week on So you think you could dance?
Speaker 2: Thanks Allison, Thank you so much you guys, It's been
Speaker 2: so much fun.
Speaker 6: Hopefully come back.
Speaker 2: Yes or I'll be on so you think you can say?
Speaker 2: That's actually the perfect title for me.
Speaker 1: Okay, guys, so for stand up.
Speaker 2: My next two shows in Vancouver are March twenty ninth.
Speaker 2: There are still tickets available for March thirtieth in Vancouver
Speaker 2: if you're in the Vancouver area, so get your tickets
Speaker 2: before they run out. That's March twenty ninth is sold out.
Speaker 2: March thirtieth tickets available. And then I'm coming to Salt
Speaker 2: Lake City on April fourth, and I'm coming to Denver,
Speaker 2: Colorado and April fifth. Tickets are still available for those two. Maricopa,
Speaker 2: Arizona is April twelfth, and then Brooks California is April thirteenth,
Speaker 2: and we added a second show in Sydney, and we
Speaker 2: added a second show in Prior Lake, Minnesota, which is
Speaker 2: now going to be May twenty fourth. We added the
Speaker 2: Santa Barbara Bowl, which is so fun. I performed there
Speaker 2: last year. That's August seventeenth, the Santa Barbara Bowl. We
Speaker 2: added a second show at Santa Rosa on August second,
Speaker 2: and we added two dates at Hawaii.
Speaker 1: Guys.
Speaker 2: I'm coming to Hawaii on July nineteenth to ca Who
Speaker 2: Louis gonna be at Caho Louis, And then I'm coming
Speaker 2: on July twenty at to Honolulu. And I just added
Speaker 2: another date on August first Auburn, Washington. So, and all
Speaker 2: my Australia and New Zealand dates are up, and I
Speaker 2: will be announcing a European tour shortly, so I will
Speaker 2: be coming there.
Speaker 1: And I'm coming to Oklahoma.
Speaker 2: I have two dates in Oklahoma May third, which is
Speaker 2: my mother's birthday, Norman, Oklahoma, and May fourth, I will.
Speaker 1: Be in Thackerville, Oklahoma.
Speaker 2: So Oklahomians, Oklahoma's Oklohm's come fine.
Speaker 4: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
Speaker 4: at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be
Speaker 4: sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
Speaker 4: and engineered by Brad Dickard executive producer Catherine Law and
Speaker 4: be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot
Speaker 4: com