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Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine.

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Speaker 2: Oh, Hi Chelsea, Hi, Hi, just skied down to do

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Speaker 2: this podcast, and I have to say.

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Speaker 1: I love to see. I love skiing so much.

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Speaker 3: You just skied right on into the studio. It's perfect.

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Speaker 2: I skied right out of my ski out, into my

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Speaker 2: ski out and walked over to my house and I

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Speaker 2: am just filled filled. I have my two babies with me.

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Speaker 2: Jesse and Katie have been with me for a spring break.

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Speaker 2: They both slept in bed with me. Last night we

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Speaker 2: watched Pride and Prejudice.

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Speaker 3: Which one the movie one or the mini series one?

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Speaker 1: Minise? Is there a miniseries?

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Speaker 3: Is a mini series with Colin Firth.

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Speaker 1: Oh, I had to tell you, Oh, you have to

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Speaker 1: see it.

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Speaker 3: It's like, is it old nineties?

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Speaker 4: But it's like Colin Firth coming out of the water

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Speaker 4: with that wet shirt.

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Speaker 3: It's it's really everything.

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Speaker 2: I love the guy from Succession who's in the first

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Speaker 2: of all, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is like a

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Speaker 2: huge actor. Carrie Mulligan's in it. It's so beautiful and

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Speaker 2: the language is so beautiful. I have one Jesse who's

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Speaker 2: like love with it, and then Katie's like, this is stupid.

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Speaker 5: What is this?

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Speaker 1: Why am I talking about this? It was so funny.

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Speaker 2: I'm like, Okay, here are the twins, two different, completely different.

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Speaker 3: Personalities, exactly exactly.

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Speaker 1: I went out.

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Speaker 2: I went skiing this morning and I texted them. I said, girls,

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Speaker 2: when you get up, meet your father. They call me dad.

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Speaker 2: I go meet your father on the mountain. I said,

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Speaker 2: if you want to make your father happy, meet me

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Speaker 2: on the mountain.

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Speaker 1: And they're like, fudda, fudda.

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Speaker 2: We're all dressed and ready to go, but where are skis?

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Speaker 2: And their mom took their skis back to Squamish for

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Speaker 2: some reason.

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure why.

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Speaker 2: I had one set of skis so only one of

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Speaker 2: them could meet me. But they're like, we won't disappoint

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Speaker 2: We're coming.

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Speaker 1: It's so cute. And then we went to lunch.

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Speaker 3: You're just like surrounded by children on the mountain.

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Speaker 2: Oh my god, it's I know. I'm running a fucking

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Speaker 2: daycare center up here.

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Speaker 4: So, Chelsea, I've got a little update that kind of

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Speaker 4: goes with our episode today.

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Speaker 3: This email comes from Riley.

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Speaker 4: Riley says, Dear Chelsea, I'm not a past caller, so

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Speaker 4: this really can't be called an update, but it involves

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Speaker 4: changes from your advice, so let's call it one. A

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Speaker 4: couple of months ago, I decided to take a year

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Speaker 4: off from school to pursue a full time job that

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Speaker 4: was making a ton of crazy money at A month later,

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Speaker 4: I was fired from said job.

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Speaker 3: Long story short.

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Speaker 4: Within a year, I went from moving to my dream

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Speaker 4: city for my dream program in school to a second

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Speaker 4: time dropout and unemployed. I've always been a person who's

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Speaker 4: believed that energy follows you. I'm also a person who

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Speaker 4: is practically a professional in negative energy and deals with depression.

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Speaker 4: So I've connected, listened, and taken your advice over the

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Speaker 4: last few weeks. I'm on day seventeen of daily Gratitude.

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Speaker 4: I've been doing all my positive affirmations, and I've been

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Speaker 4: repeating this is a good energy day to myself on

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Speaker 4: a daily basis and to both of you. Thank you,

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Speaker 4: because today I realized what a massive shift in general

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Speaker 4: attitude I've had and the unnatural change in energy around me.

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Speaker 4: Then the magic happened. It feels like a door opened

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Speaker 4: with the new job I have, I found a different

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Speaker 4: program that clicked with my goals and values to go

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Speaker 4: back to school, and a guy at a bar asked

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Speaker 4: for my number for the very first time. Thanks again,

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Speaker 4: sending love from a stranger Riley.

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Speaker 2: Yes, everybody, you can change your energy, and when you

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Speaker 2: change your energy, you are magnetically attracting and energetically attracting

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Speaker 2: different things into your life.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: So the value of a gratitude journal may say, sound

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Speaker 2: corny or like a hundred of time for that, it

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Speaker 2: changes your energy and you won't know it until you

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Speaker 2: do it, So fucking do it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and affirmations too.

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Speaker 4: It's like when we talk to ourselves differently, things happen.

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Speaker 3: It's really really cool.

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Speaker 2: Oh, I'm going to DC to be one of the

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Speaker 2: comedians that's giving Kevin Hart his Mark Twain Award in DC. Oh,

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Speaker 2: that's exciting. Yeah, it'll be on Netflix, I think. So

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Speaker 2: I have whipped up a little speech for Kevin.

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Speaker 1: Hart, so he better get fucking ready, bitch.

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Speaker 3: Is it like a nice speech or is it a

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Speaker 3: little roasty?

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Speaker 1: A little bit of both?

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Speaker 3: Gay? Excellent? Are you guys kind of like good friends

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Speaker 3: like chums?

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Speaker 2: Well, he's been an old friend, so he's all always

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Speaker 2: a good friend, like I've known him for so long

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Speaker 2: from Chelsea lately days he demanded to be a guest

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Speaker 2: instead of on the Roundtable. After he was on the

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Speaker 2: round Table for a period of time, then he demanded

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Speaker 2: to be a guest because his people were like, he's

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Speaker 2: too he's he's now guest material, and I remember going, wow.

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Speaker 1: Look at him. Yeah, so he's been a pain in

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Speaker 1: my ass for a very long time.

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Speaker 2: I don't see him, No, I don't see him a lot,

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Speaker 2: but I will always show up for Kevin.

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Speaker 1: I love him.

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Speaker 3: I love that. I love that old friends are sometimes

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Speaker 3: the best friends.

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Speaker 2: And he's one of the only black men, famous men

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Speaker 2: that I haven't had sex with. Well, just kidding, just kidding, Okay,

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Speaker 2: so oh today. I love this woman and the first

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Speaker 2: reason she caught my attention was on Instagram dancing with

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Speaker 2: her husband Twitch, who has since passed away, and then

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Speaker 2: after he passed away by taking his life.

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Speaker 1: I was just blown.

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Speaker 2: Away by the way that this woman handled that and

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Speaker 2: the way that she was able to almost it felt

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Speaker 2: like she was able to center herself, not in a

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Speaker 2: premature way, but in such a grounded, centered way with

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Speaker 2: her three children, the public facing element of that hardship.

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Speaker 1: I just couldn't believe it.

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Speaker 2: So I had been dming with her on Instagram months

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Speaker 2: and months and months ago and then she came to

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Speaker 2: my show at LA and anyway, I just felt a

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Speaker 2: connection to her and I wanted to reach out to her.

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Speaker 2: And she's on the podcast today and her name is

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Speaker 2: Alison Hooker and she's the author of the new children's

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Speaker 2: book Keep Dancing Through and as she is the new judge,

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Speaker 2: the newest judge and so you think you can dance,

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Speaker 2: So please welcome Alison Holker boss.

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Speaker 1: Hi Cuty, Petuity, Fashion Fruity.

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Speaker 6: That's so good to see you.

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Speaker 2: I was watching your clip yesterday on your Instagram of

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Speaker 2: that beautiful dancer and you telling her how you could

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Speaker 2: see her, and I thought, but oh, that's the best

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Speaker 2: thing anyone can hear, is I see you?

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Speaker 6: Thank you? No, she went beautiful. It's like sometimes you

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Speaker 6: just meet people that have like it's like a beautiful

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Speaker 6: soul and you're like I feel that, you know. And

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Speaker 6: I was like, that's one of those people where I

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Speaker 6: was like I was really moved by her. She was great.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, So that's so awesome that you're judging

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Speaker 2: on So you think you can dance?

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Speaker 6: Oh my gosh. It's been a dream job to be honest, like,

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Speaker 6: I've been like every position on the job, I've been

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Speaker 6: like a contestant, all star all of the things, but

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Speaker 6: sitting on the judges panel has felt like home. And

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Speaker 6: to be honest, I didn't know how I was gonna

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Speaker 6: feel about sitting up there because I was like, am

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Speaker 6: I gonna miss being on the stage like being the dancer?

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Speaker 6: But truly, honestly, it's been way better. I've actually enjoyed

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Speaker 6: this experience so much. And I feel like as a judge,

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Speaker 6: like I've sat where they are, I've stood in that

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Speaker 6: on that stage, so I'm like really hard on them,

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Speaker 6: but it's all from like a place of love because

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Speaker 6: I have like a high expectation of them. But man,

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Speaker 6: it's been a dream job. I've loved the experience so much.

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Speaker 2: Well, I also think it's so nice when you're it's

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Speaker 2: your specialty and then you take a step back and

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Speaker 2: you're actually able to judge and critique others doing what

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Speaker 2: you're doing. You would think you miss it, but it's

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Speaker 2: actually nice to have the pressure off of you and

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Speaker 2: where you can kind of help other people to see

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Speaker 2: their strengths or weaknesses.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, and it's like, honestly, a lot of the ones

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Speaker 6: audition I've known them since they were children. So I

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Speaker 6: feel like I'm like sitting at that table being like

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Speaker 6: a mama bear. I've taught a lot of them since

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Speaker 6: they were really really young, so it's more of like

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Speaker 6: an honor and like a treat to be able to

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Speaker 6: see like the progression that they've already had thus far,

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Speaker 6: to then be able like, Okay, now, whatever I say

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Speaker 6: to you, I can really help you on the next

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Speaker 6: step of your journey. And I've already been so blessed

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Speaker 6: to have a big journey in the dance community, so

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Speaker 6: it's a blessing to be able to cultivate someone else's.

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Speaker 1: Now, how did your dancing start, Allison?

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Speaker 6: I actually watched my sister dance when I was like

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Speaker 6: twelve years old. She just looked so majestic on this stage.

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Speaker 6: She was like a warrior princess, like she looked like,

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Speaker 6: I don't know, she just looks so powerful, and I

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Speaker 6: was like, I want to do that. And then even

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Speaker 6: at a young age, I was like, I want to

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Speaker 6: impact other kids, or specifically girls, to be just as

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Speaker 6: powerful on a stage. Because it wasn't like one of

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Speaker 6: those like frillly dancers. It wasn't like she was like

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Speaker 6: a ballallet dancer. It was like strong, athletic and powerful.

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Speaker 6: She was like flipping, and I was like, I liked

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Speaker 6: seeing someone so feminine kind of own their masculine and

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Speaker 6: be like kind of dance more like the men and

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Speaker 6: just be like owning their power. So that's always really

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Speaker 6: what I wanted to do for girls in the dance

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Speaker 6: industry specifically.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think that's well said, because you're describing

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Speaker 2: yourself too, because you're very feminine and owning your masculinity

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Speaker 2: in your dance. That's what I've always noticed about you

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Speaker 2: is you're so strong and the dance and you're such

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Speaker 2: a good dancer.

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Speaker 1: I can't even.

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Speaker 2: Do a two step, So if you ever ever got

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Speaker 2: me alone and tried to teach me something, you would

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Speaker 2: have no respect for me, none, because it would be

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Speaker 2: so But no, no, I promise you.

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Speaker 1: I cannot my rhythm.

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Speaker 2: Someone stole it from me before I was born, and

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Speaker 2: I'm tone deaf, and when I dance, it's just people

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Speaker 2: have to look away, and I need something to lean on,

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Speaker 2: like a ballast. I need something so that I can

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Speaker 2: just sway and not move my arms and legs at

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Speaker 2: the same time.

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Speaker 6: Really, what you're telling us, is you need a wall to.

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Speaker 2: Yes, well, I used to go out with my girlfriends

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Speaker 2: and we would go to bars and get drunk. I

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Speaker 2: would swing my purse around my head to like just

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Speaker 2: like as a decoy to not look at my dancing,

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Speaker 2: just to look at my purse, and.

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Speaker 6: Just also get off your back.

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Speaker 1: Duck up, back up.

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Speaker 6: No, Honestly, everyone says that they can't dance, but I

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Speaker 6: tell everybody like, if you can walk, dancing is just

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Speaker 6: walking with style, Like that's it. Like I would be

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Speaker 6: able to get you to dance so quick.

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Speaker 2: Someone told me this summer that it's better to not

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Speaker 2: move your if you're not a great dancer. It's better

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Speaker 2: to keep your feet in one place and move the

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Speaker 2: rest of your body.

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Speaker 1: What are your thoughts on I.

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Speaker 6: Definitely thinking we should move your feet so you don't

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Speaker 6: just look like you'resser, like get like a teeter tatter.

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Speaker 1: Like how long can I not move my feet for?

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Speaker 6: I think I would actually start with the lower half

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Speaker 6: and work your way up. You know what I'm saying,

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Speaker 6: Give me like a nice two set.

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Speaker 2: Right right, That's what I was thinking. I was like

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Speaker 2: the two step I could do, Like okay, how could

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Speaker 2: you fuck that up. But once it gets more complex

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Speaker 2: than that, that I'm lost. It's like I'm swimming.

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Speaker 6: If you just start moving your arms is gonna start

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Speaker 6: like looking like the toothpicks or like the what the

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Speaker 6: the I don't know, all the flossing and weird stuff.

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Speaker 6: We don't want to go there. We start from the

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Speaker 6: bottom and a bigger way to the top, you know.

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Speaker 1: But I do.

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Speaker 2: I mean, that's how I did meet you. It was

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Speaker 2: on Instagram and dancing. Congrats on your new book. It's

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Speaker 2: called Keep Dancing through a Boss Family Groove.

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Speaker 1: How did that come about?

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Speaker 6: Actually, this book was written back in twenty twenty one

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Speaker 6: into twenty twenty two, so it's it's been a long

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Speaker 6: time coming. It was written with my late husband, and

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Speaker 6: honestly it's just a testament to what our family would

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Speaker 6: do in a day in our lives. You know, my husband,

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Speaker 6: we really believed a lot in like affirmations and teaching

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Speaker 6: that to our kids. And so every morning, together with

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Speaker 6: both of us, we would teach our kids and like

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Speaker 6: start our day with like I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm beautiful,

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Speaker 6: and I'm kind, which I still do to this day

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Speaker 6: of my kids every single morning and we just started realizing,

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Speaker 6: like when we talk to other parents or other you know,

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Speaker 6: other friends of ours, that they don't really do affirmations.

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Speaker 6: And we were like, man, if we got kids to

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Speaker 6: start talking kindly to themselves at a young age, like

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Speaker 6: that could really help them through their like you know,

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Speaker 6: going through like the preteen stage, teenage years into adulthood.

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Speaker 6: So we were like, let's teach other kids what we

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Speaker 6: like to do. And so the story really goes from

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Speaker 6: like morning tonight, my kids, all three of them go

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Speaker 6: through something like little little mini kid challenges, nothing dramatic

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Speaker 6: and crazy, but either way, for them, it's big, and

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Speaker 6: they use affirmations to kind of like pick themselves back up.

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Speaker 6: And I think my favorite part of the book Keep

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Speaker 6: Dancing Through is that it's not just coming from the

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Speaker 6: parents like me and Steve, and it's not just coming

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Speaker 6: from us that we teach o your kids affirmations. In

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Speaker 6: the book, the siblings help each other to remind each

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Speaker 6: other of that, and I thought that was like a

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Speaker 6: really special way of looking at it. Because my oldest daughter,

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Speaker 6: who's fifteen, so many times when my kids are going

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Speaker 6: through the things, she'll step in and help. So that's

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Speaker 6: something we also really wanted to kind of get through

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Speaker 6: in this book. But really it's just teaching people to

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Speaker 6: teach your kids affirmations and if you're having a hard day,

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Speaker 6: talk kindly to yourself. So that's really the premise book.

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Speaker 1: It reminds me.

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Speaker 2: I was driving yesterday with a girlfriend of mine in

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Speaker 2: Whistler and we were driving through this neighborhood and we

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Speaker 2: saw they said, this boy and this girl. It was

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Speaker 2: an older boy, probably like sixteen fifteen sixteen with his

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Speaker 2: friend and then a sister. Because they looked alike, you

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Speaker 2: could tell they were brother and sister. And he yelled

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Speaker 2: at her and she came running back. He goes, don't

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Speaker 2: ever walk away without giving me a hug. And he

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Speaker 2: was with his friend and I was like, you are

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Speaker 2: so cute. We were screaming out the window. I'm like,

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Speaker 2: you're the best big brother ever. And he had this

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Speaker 2: huge smile, and the girl looked at us and she goes,

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Speaker 2: he is the best big brother ever.

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Speaker 1: And I thought that was the sweetest thing.

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Speaker 6: Honestly, Sibling love is my favorite. I don't think we

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Speaker 6: talk about it enough. We always talk about like parent love,

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Speaker 6: taking care of your friends, being there for like your relationship,

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Speaker 6: and like sibling love is like if you have a

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Speaker 6: close relationship with your brother or sister, like it's endless.

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Speaker 6: Like I'm so close to my brothers and sisters. I'm

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Speaker 6: so grateful for that because it truly is one of

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Speaker 6: those relationships where you could like not talk for a week,

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Speaker 6: three months a year, but wherever you start talking, it's

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Speaker 6: like you never stopped. I love sibling love. It's my favorite.

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Speaker 2: How many siblings do you have, Alison, I'm the youngest

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Speaker 2: of five.

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Speaker 1: Oh no, I'm the youngest of six, So that's what

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Speaker 1: we have in common.

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Speaker 6: Okay, okay, uh huh, yeah, Oh I'm dating. I'm definitely

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Speaker 6: baby energy of the family. I take full advantage.

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Speaker 1: Yes, totally.

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Speaker 2: The baby is the best position to be in because

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Speaker 2: everyone wants to do everything for you and help you.

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Speaker 1: And that's why I'm so incompetent.

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Speaker 2: I believe in any sort of domestic capability, like I

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Speaker 2: cookie cleaning. If something happens, if one of the dogs

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Speaker 2: goes to the bathroom on the rug, I just leave,

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Speaker 2: like I don't want any part of it. I don't

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Speaker 2: know how to clean it. I don't want to know.

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Speaker 2: I tried to cook something last night, and ended up.

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Speaker 2: I cooked chicken and spinach and they both ended up

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Speaker 2: in the garbage. And I just am completely And I

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Speaker 2: blame them because they have rendered me useless.

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Speaker 6: Yes, no, blame them for sure. It's your fault that

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Speaker 6: you are so good at taking care of the house.

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Speaker 6: I don't know.

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Speaker 1: How, yes, exactly exactly.

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Speaker 6: No, I bring it in. I bring it in.

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Speaker 1: Where are they? Are they in California? You're siblings.

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Speaker 6: So my family all pretty much lives in Utah, although

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Speaker 6: they're coming to visit me this week because we're all

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Speaker 6: very close, so my mother and my brother, they're coming

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Speaker 6: to stay with me. There's a lot lessen I come from,

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Speaker 6: like a Utah Mormon family, so there's a lot of grandkids.

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Speaker 6: There's a lot of babies running around all the time.

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Speaker 6: So it's like whenever we get together, there's lots of energy.

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Speaker 6: But it's really fun. Like we're very big, like game heavy,

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Speaker 6: sports heavy family, so we get together, we like make teams,

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Speaker 6: we'll play basketball, soccer, and it's really fun. But there's

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Speaker 6: a lot of bodies to take care of.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I bet there are another reason why I before

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Speaker 2: I met you, or and what I found so inspiring,

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Speaker 2: which you know, the world did as well. Was how

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Speaker 2: you dealt with the loss of your husband and how

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Speaker 2: you dealt with your grief and with your children. And

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Speaker 2: it felt like, I don't want to say it happened quickly.

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Speaker 2: It felt like you were able to center and ground

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Speaker 2: yourself in a way that was surprising to see and

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Speaker 2: inspiring to see that you were able to really focus

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Speaker 2: on the gratitude. And I want to know more about

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Speaker 2: how you did that, and I want my listeners to

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Speaker 2: know how you were able to wrangle your strength during

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Speaker 2: that time.

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Speaker 6: Well, first off, thank you. I'll be real though, I

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Speaker 6: think the reason I am where I am today is

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Speaker 6: multiple reasons. The first thing being I separated myself from

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Speaker 6: the world for like three months. I didn't look at

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Speaker 6: social media, didn't look at anything online. I honestly separated

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Speaker 6: myself even from friends. And I said to my children,

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Speaker 6: we have to do this together and we have to

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Speaker 6: face it all, every emotion. We're not rushing the process,

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Speaker 6: but we cannot ignore this process. So we didn't go

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Speaker 6: to school, I didn't go to work. I didn't I

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Speaker 6: didn't even do any of those things. We just sat

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Speaker 6: in with our emotions and face the anger, the sad,

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Speaker 6: the pain, the joy, the memories, and I went through

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Speaker 6: everything together with therapists, with a very very very small

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Speaker 6: group of like loved ones, just because I was like,

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Speaker 6: this is not something that we can just go to

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Speaker 6: the grocery store and try to be like we're okay

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Speaker 6: right away. We sat together, face everything communicated, We're vulnerable,

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Speaker 6: we're crying with each other, we're holding each other. Walking

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Speaker 6: through our home sometimes was just tough because there's so

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Speaker 6: many memories in each place. So sometimes someone would just

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Speaker 6: start crying when they're walking up the stairs when they

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Speaker 6: just like clicked and had a memory of him holding

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Speaker 6: them there, or when we'd walk in the kitchen and

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Speaker 6: look at a certain chair that was his chair. But

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Speaker 6: instead I was like, let's process all this. And I

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Speaker 6: think that by allowing us that space of just being

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Speaker 6: together and being honest about all of the feelings. Sometimes

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Speaker 6: i'd go outside and I would always tell my kids

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Speaker 6: that he's in the stars, So if you ever need

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Speaker 6: to talk to him, we go outside and just look

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Speaker 6: up at the stars and say whatever you need to say.

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Speaker 6: And sometimes it would just be you know, today is

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Speaker 6: a really beautiful day. I held Zia and we played

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Speaker 6: some games. Other times it would be like, I'm really

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Speaker 6: upset with you, very upset. How could you do this

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Speaker 6: to us? How could you do this to me? And

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Speaker 6: I would let them do that as well, and I

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Speaker 6: think giving us that space to properly grieve and not

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Speaker 6: hide from it, we all shed a lot of layers

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Speaker 6: really quickly together, and we forgave him, We forgave ourselves.

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Speaker 6: You know, we laughed for the first time together as

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Speaker 6: a family, which was, you know, full of mixed emotions

404
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Speaker 6: of is this okay for us to do because you

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Speaker 6: kind of feel guilt for smiling and laughing right after

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Speaker 6: something like this, But we faced it all and so

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Speaker 6: then slowly we started reintroducing ourselves to life and school

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Speaker 6: and activities and me associating again with friends or co

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Speaker 6: workers or having even the idea of going back to work.

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Speaker 6: But we took our time with it, and I think

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Speaker 6: that was the smartest thing for the way we did it.

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Speaker 6: I can't say it's right for everyone, but it was

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Speaker 6: right for us. And then we now feel comfortable talking

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Speaker 6: about it publicly because we faced some different emotions, and

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Speaker 6: I'm really proud of my kids for that. I'm proudly

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Speaker 6: even myself to be honest for that, But we took

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Speaker 6: the time to process and we're really really patient with ourselves.

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Speaker 1: And how did you know how important that was to

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Speaker 1: do well?

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Speaker 6: A therapist told me that. But our lives are so public.

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Speaker 6: I knew that even though my kids are very young,

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Speaker 6: people feel very connected to us and very close with us,

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Speaker 6: and I knew we'd be getting a lot of opinions,

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Speaker 6: and not necessarily bad. I don't mean that to be

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Speaker 6: a negative thing, but we would just have people feel

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Speaker 6: so close to us that they open a lot of

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Speaker 6: dialogue with us openly, whether we were at like you know,

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Speaker 6: when we started associating and going out too public, just

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Speaker 6: being at a grocery store, we did a lot of

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Speaker 6: conversations from people that no seven year old should be

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Speaker 6: really hearing. And so I needed them to be strong.

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Speaker 6: I needed them to have gone through some of these

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Speaker 6: emotions so then when they're like approached publicly, they have

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Speaker 6: a strong sense of themselves. I needed that for them

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Speaker 6: and I needed that for me, because it's not a

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Speaker 6: negative thing that people want to come to us. But

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Speaker 6: I know as a person that I knew people were

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Speaker 6: going to come to me with their stories or need

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00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:04,560
Speaker 6: me to help them through their agony through it. So

440
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:06,600
Speaker 6: I needed to be strong enough to be able to

441
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,800
Speaker 6: have a full enough cup to be able to pour

442
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:11,760
Speaker 6: back into people, and unfortunately need my kids to be

443
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:13,679
Speaker 6: able to do that too, even though that's not a

444
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:16,440
Speaker 6: position they should be in. That's just kind of where

445
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:19,680
Speaker 6: we're at, especially as a society with public figures, and

446
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:23,080
Speaker 6: they're doing it. My kids have people approach them all

447
00:20:23,119 --> 00:20:27,040
Speaker 6: the time about really big topics, especially my oldest who's fifteen,

448
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:30,399
Speaker 6: and she's able to hold her own and whole conversations

449
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,760
Speaker 6: and help people through their own tragedies as well, and

450
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:37,439
Speaker 6: it's something that we've worked really hard to get to

451
00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:43,320
Speaker 6: and with tragedy and with this grief, I've learned that

452
00:20:43,359 --> 00:20:45,679
Speaker 6: God and the universe really gave me this purpose and

453
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:47,879
Speaker 6: I've had to learn to accept it. But there's a

454
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:51,320
Speaker 6: bigger reason why, and it's because I'm supposed to help

455
00:20:51,359 --> 00:20:54,679
Speaker 6: other people to see that there's still life after You

456
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:58,440
Speaker 6: can still honor someone, but you can still honor yourself.

457
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:01,119
Speaker 6: And that's the biggest message I'm still trying to teach

458
00:21:01,119 --> 00:21:01,880
Speaker 6: people through this.

459
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:06,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, that reminds me, Catherine of what Monica Lewinsky said

460
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:10,399
Speaker 2: on our podcast Something she said, you know, when you

461
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:11,800
Speaker 2: turn your pain into.

462
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:14,560
Speaker 6: Purpose, Yeah, exactly, And.

463
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:17,800
Speaker 2: I think that is applicable to almost all pain, right,

464
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:21,680
Speaker 2: regardless of what it is, is that you you can

465
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:25,200
Speaker 2: become strong like because before this, would you ever imagine

466
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,320
Speaker 2: that you could be this strong?

467
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:30,399
Speaker 6: Absolutely not. I knew I was a strong person, but

468
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:34,080
Speaker 6: I never experienced grief before this. This is like I

469
00:21:34,119 --> 00:21:39,240
Speaker 6: went from zero to a thousand. I never experienced anything

470
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:42,720
Speaker 6: of the degree that I'm at. And so it's been

471
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:45,760
Speaker 6: a very big learning process, but really grateful for like

472
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:48,320
Speaker 6: the people and of how around me really teaching me

473
00:21:48,359 --> 00:21:50,919
Speaker 6: how to get through this, guiding me through and helping me,

474
00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:53,680
Speaker 6: and to be honest, it is it's my faith. It's

475
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:55,679
Speaker 6: like my faith with God or you know, or with

476
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:57,800
Speaker 6: the spirituality that I have with the universe of just

477
00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:01,160
Speaker 6: being really connected. I follow my intuitional law. I meditate

478
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:03,840
Speaker 6: a lot, and I think that's really been a huge

479
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:07,720
Speaker 6: saving grace to me and keeping me mentally sane and

480
00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:11,440
Speaker 6: realizing that I've never woke up a day without being

481
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:17,119
Speaker 6: super grateful. Still, I still think it's so wonderful life,

482
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:19,840
Speaker 6: even though the hard times and the you know, the

483
00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:22,560
Speaker 6: great times. I look at the world and I can't

484
00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:24,719
Speaker 6: help but think that there's eight billion people here, and

485
00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:28,800
Speaker 6: though I've gone through something that's you know, really really

486
00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:33,040
Speaker 6: dramatic and really confusing and complex, so have a lot

487
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:36,240
Speaker 6: of people. So have a lot of people, And instead

488
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:39,480
Speaker 6: of sitting in my sorrows, like I'd rather help those

489
00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:42,399
Speaker 6: people that are still going through things today get through theirs.

490
00:22:43,359 --> 00:22:45,920
Speaker 6: I think as a support system, specifically for women, we

491
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,240
Speaker 6: just got to be the other's rocks at this point.

492
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:52,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's very inspiring and it's very I'm sure many

493
00:22:52,359 --> 00:22:54,080
Speaker 2: of the things that you're saying are going to resonate

494
00:22:54,119 --> 00:22:57,119
Speaker 2: with our listeners a lot, because grief is an inescapable

495
00:22:57,200 --> 00:22:59,520
Speaker 2: thing to go through during life, you know, depending. I mean,

496
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:04,200
Speaker 2: it's also substantial to different situations for everyone, but it's unavoidable.

497
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,320
Speaker 2: You know, we're all going to lose people, and it's

498
00:23:06,359 --> 00:23:08,439
Speaker 2: about choosing how you're going to deal with that. And

499
00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:10,840
Speaker 2: I think gratitude has been such a huge topic of

500
00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:14,320
Speaker 2: conversation on this podcast and many others because it is

501
00:23:14,359 --> 00:23:17,639
Speaker 2: so powerful. It is so powerful in your darkest moments

502
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:18,960
Speaker 2: to still have gratitude.

503
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:22,080
Speaker 6: Absolutely. I just like I have a journal that I

504
00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:25,640
Speaker 6: keep that I like start with my affirmations. I go

505
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:27,800
Speaker 6: into like, you know, my goal writing, but then I

506
00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:30,600
Speaker 6: always end with gratitude. I think it's the best thing

507
00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:33,120
Speaker 6: ever because you can't really sit in pain if you're grateful.

508
00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:35,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, And it's a weird thing how it can kind

509
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:38,560
Speaker 2: of shift it does it shifts your grief?

510
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:43,800
Speaker 6: Oh yeah, because you also learn, unfortunately but fortunately to

511
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:45,959
Speaker 6: be grateful for your experience to make you a stronger,

512
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,879
Speaker 6: better human. At the end of the day, Stephen was

513
00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:53,440
Speaker 6: one of the most inspiring people still to the state.

514
00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:53,680
Speaker 7: To me.

515
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:58,399
Speaker 6: I had thirteen years with him and loved every minute

516
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:01,080
Speaker 6: of it. I learned so much from him. We always

517
00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:04,800
Speaker 6: exchange advice on self help books. We loved affirmations, we

518
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:08,440
Speaker 6: love manifestation. We would always listen to podcasts. We'd always

519
00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:11,520
Speaker 6: watch inspiring like documentaries of how to get through life

520
00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:14,959
Speaker 6: and people's tragedies but how they overcome. Like we shared

521
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:19,760
Speaker 6: this common love for these things. And though yes there's

522
00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:22,119
Speaker 6: things that bring me a lot of pain from his actions,

523
00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:24,640
Speaker 6: I still can't deny how much I learned from him.

524
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:27,199
Speaker 6: He's helped build the person I am today, and he

525
00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:30,399
Speaker 6: actually helped build me to be the strongest version of myself,

526
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:32,960
Speaker 6: to be able to handle this, and so I give him,

527
00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:34,960
Speaker 6: even through all this, I give him a lot of

528
00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:37,080
Speaker 6: credit for making me the strongest person, be the best

529
00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:41,840
Speaker 6: version of myself. For my kids so beautiful, and I

530
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:42,720
Speaker 6: still believe that.

531
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:43,840
Speaker 1: I believe it too.

532
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:46,199
Speaker 2: I mean, I can see it, and that's beautiful, and

533
00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:47,720
Speaker 2: so are you, and so is your family.

534
00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:51,960
Speaker 6: Thank you. I mean, listen, my kids. My kids are

535
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:54,240
Speaker 6: my champions, and I learned from them every day. I

536
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:57,280
Speaker 6: think sometimes as parents we really kind of like forget

537
00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:00,800
Speaker 6: that you can learn so much from just irving your kids,

538
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:03,840
Speaker 6: but also listening to them. Like my youngest is four,

539
00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:06,639
Speaker 6: and if anyone's taught me boundaries its her. She's four.

540
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:08,679
Speaker 6: We'll be cuddling on the couch watching a movie and

541
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:11,240
Speaker 6: she's like snuggling up to me. She'll stand up and leave,

542
00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:13,520
Speaker 6: like where you going? She's like, I need some space.

543
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:18,639
Speaker 6: So it seemed to be boundaries. I'm like, oh, I

544
00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:20,080
Speaker 6: don't have to be a people pleaser. I could just

545
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:22,879
Speaker 6: leave and take off whatever I want and that's cool. Yeah, right,

546
00:25:23,119 --> 00:25:26,840
Speaker 6: and she'll re inswer herself back when she's ready. But yeah,

547
00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:29,439
Speaker 6: I think I have really awesome kids to still be

548
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:30,840
Speaker 6: learning from every single day too.

549
00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:33,560
Speaker 2: So okay, let's take a break and we're gonna be

550
00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:40,280
Speaker 2: right back, and we're back with Alison Holker as our

551
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:41,000
Speaker 2: special guest.

552
00:25:41,119 --> 00:25:42,159
Speaker 1: So excited I met you.

553
00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:43,600
Speaker 2: The first time I met you was at my show,

554
00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:45,480
Speaker 2: right at my show in LA when you came.

555
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:46,600
Speaker 1: Yeah. Oh my gosh.

556
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:48,399
Speaker 6: It was such a great show too. I had so

557
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:49,000
Speaker 6: much fun.

558
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:51,600
Speaker 2: Okay, so, Catherine, we're gonna we're gonna take some calls

559
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:54,680
Speaker 2: from people, yes, and give them some life advice out

560
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:57,479
Speaker 2: since you're in a fucking great position to do it.

561
00:25:57,600 --> 00:25:59,840
Speaker 1: I mean, you should be like a counselor.

562
00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:03,040
Speaker 6: At this point, I've lived so much life. I will

563
00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:04,760
Speaker 6: sit back and like, bring it on, let's see what

564
00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:06,520
Speaker 6: we got. I might not have a best advice, I

565
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:07,960
Speaker 6: could definitely give some and try.

566
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:10,440
Speaker 1: Yeah no, sure, sure.

567
00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:13,320
Speaker 3: Well, Adam says dear Chelsea.

568
00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:15,640
Speaker 4: I just wanted to start off by saying a huge

569
00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:17,720
Speaker 4: thank you and let you in on a little secret.

570
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:20,280
Speaker 3: I totally snagged are you there vodka?

571
00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:23,080
Speaker 4: It's me Chelsea from my mom's shelf way too early

572
00:26:23,119 --> 00:26:25,600
Speaker 4: in life. But hey, it was totally worth it because

573
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:28,159
Speaker 4: once we both realized we shared the same sense of humor,

574
00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:31,159
Speaker 4: we became addicted to watching your shows together as a

575
00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:33,520
Speaker 4: young gay guy. These hilarious moments brought me and my

576
00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:37,159
Speaker 4: mom closer and improved our relationship big time. But I've

577
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:39,240
Speaker 4: got something on my mind that's been bugging me lately.

578
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:42,080
Speaker 4: I lost a close friend recently in a freak accident.

579
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:45,280
Speaker 4: She had a history of seizures, and unfortunately, one of

580
00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:47,959
Speaker 4: them caused an accident and she didn't make it. We

581
00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:50,080
Speaker 4: were tight back in college when we first met, but

582
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:53,359
Speaker 4: after we graduated things started to change. It felt like

583
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:56,520
Speaker 4: I became her personal therapist, and as I made other

584
00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:59,720
Speaker 4: friends and had my own life, she seemed resentful and distant.

585
00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:02,680
Speaker 4: Don't get me wrong, she was an amazing friend during

586
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:05,680
Speaker 4: our college days, but eventually I kind of ghosted her.

587
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,280
Speaker 4: Looking back, I know it wasn't the best way to

588
00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:11,000
Speaker 4: handle it, and now that she's gone, I can't help,

589
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:13,400
Speaker 4: but wish I had had the chance to explain myself.

590
00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:16,359
Speaker 4: So I'm reaching out for some advice. How can I

591
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:19,160
Speaker 4: deal with this loss and stop myself from ghosting friends

592
00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:22,520
Speaker 4: without giving them proper closure when things get weird? And

593
00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:25,320
Speaker 4: how do I deal with the things left unsaid? Thanks

594
00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:28,840
Speaker 4: for being such a badass in everything you do. Cheers Adam.

595
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:31,840
Speaker 2: Well, first, I would say there is not You know,

596
00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:34,000
Speaker 2: we say this a lot that you cannot change what

597
00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:34,440
Speaker 2: you've done.

598
00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:36,080
Speaker 1: You cannot change the past, but you have.

599
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:39,160
Speaker 2: To forgive yourself for the past and know that moving

600
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:40,840
Speaker 2: forward that you are going.

601
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:41,720
Speaker 1: To change your behavior.

602
00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:44,960
Speaker 2: And of course it's not nice to ghost people, but

603
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:48,080
Speaker 2: I'm sure your friend who passed away has forgiven you

604
00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:50,399
Speaker 2: and you need to forgive yourself and you can even

605
00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:53,600
Speaker 2: do that in prayer or meditation or write it in

606
00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:56,920
Speaker 2: you know, you can journal about it, and you obviously

607
00:27:57,000 --> 00:28:00,159
Speaker 2: feel that. And when you feel guilt, it's true, you

608
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:02,439
Speaker 2: do feel badly for what you did. And that's all

609
00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:04,600
Speaker 2: you can do because there's no way to change that.

610
00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:06,840
Speaker 2: How you can make it up to her is by

611
00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:09,200
Speaker 2: making sure that you don't do that to anyone else

612
00:28:09,240 --> 00:28:11,960
Speaker 2: in the future. And when things do get weird, have

613
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:14,879
Speaker 2: an honest conversation with yourself before you have an honest

614
00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:18,080
Speaker 2: conversation with the person you know you don't want to.

615
00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:21,080
Speaker 2: It's no one feels good getting left behind, No one

616
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:22,560
Speaker 2: feels good getting ghosted.

617
00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:27,399
Speaker 1: And it is so much more honorable and more difficult.

618
00:28:27,119 --> 00:28:30,000
Speaker 2: To be direct and truthful to people when it is

619
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:33,439
Speaker 2: an uncomfortable situation, and once you do it one time,

620
00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:37,720
Speaker 2: you're going to be so proud of yourself for handling

621
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:41,800
Speaker 2: it like an adult that it will become your new habit.

622
00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:45,680
Speaker 2: And you have to be accountable to yourself. You know,

623
00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:48,240
Speaker 2: you have to be accountable to yourself. That is what

624
00:28:48,400 --> 00:28:51,200
Speaker 2: honor is like. When no one's looking, what are you

625
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:53,680
Speaker 2: going to do? When no one's watching? What are you

626
00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:57,080
Speaker 2: going to do? So I just I would say, just

627
00:28:57,120 --> 00:29:00,960
Speaker 2: to move forward in a completely new way and make

628
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:03,120
Speaker 2: a promise to yourself that you're not going to make

629
00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:06,880
Speaker 2: that mistake again, because, as Oprah says, when you know better,

630
00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:08,680
Speaker 2: you do better, and that is very true.

631
00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:10,120
Speaker 1: Allison, what do you think?

632
00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:13,160
Speaker 6: I first off, agree with everything you just said because

633
00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:15,760
Speaker 6: I believe about speaking things into the world and into

634
00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:18,120
Speaker 6: the universe. So if you need forgiveness and need forgive

635
00:29:18,120 --> 00:29:20,960
Speaker 6: it from her, just speak it out loud. Go outside,

636
00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:24,640
Speaker 6: go to a mountain, talk, go into nature, scream it out,

637
00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:27,040
Speaker 6: say I'm so sorry, I wish I did this. Get

638
00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:30,400
Speaker 6: it off of you. Give yourself after though, is the

639
00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:32,520
Speaker 6: biggest thing. You have to say it to yourself though,

640
00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:35,400
Speaker 6: because I think sometimes forget people, forget that the person

641
00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:38,360
Speaker 6: you're talking to is yourself the most throughout the day.

642
00:29:38,760 --> 00:29:40,880
Speaker 6: You have to be the person forgive you. You're not going

643
00:29:40,920 --> 00:29:42,880
Speaker 6: to hear it from someone else, so you have to

644
00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:45,240
Speaker 6: speak it out, get it off of you, forgive yourself.

645
00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:49,640
Speaker 6: But then also remember that people do come in seasons

646
00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:52,200
Speaker 6: and they know that for themselves as well. It's okay

647
00:29:52,280 --> 00:29:54,920
Speaker 6: to be in a relationship with someone, love someone, have

648
00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:57,640
Speaker 6: a friend, have a family member that you love so

649
00:29:57,800 --> 00:30:01,280
Speaker 6: much and that you do kind of set brand part ways.

650
00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:03,720
Speaker 6: I do agree with Chelsea, have a conversation with them

651
00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:07,400
Speaker 6: before you just ghost them. But it's okay to have

652
00:30:07,440 --> 00:30:10,040
Speaker 6: someone that was in your life for twelve years kind

653
00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:12,640
Speaker 6: of becomes someone that you now move on from. That's okay,

654
00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:14,920
Speaker 6: and I think people don't realize that you don't have

655
00:30:14,960 --> 00:30:17,560
Speaker 6: to hold onto relationships that are no longer working and

656
00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:20,200
Speaker 6: valid for both parties. It's okay for people to come

657
00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:23,400
Speaker 6: in for a month, a year, seven years, because sometimes

658
00:30:23,480 --> 00:30:25,719
Speaker 6: you meet someone new and they feel like you've known

659
00:30:25,760 --> 00:30:28,320
Speaker 6: them forever, and that's great to accept a new move

660
00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:29,120
Speaker 6: in your life.

661
00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:30,480
Speaker 1: I always have new friends.

662
00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:33,120
Speaker 2: I'm always making new friends and I do and I've

663
00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:35,040
Speaker 2: just wrote about this in my new book, which is

664
00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:38,320
Speaker 2: you know Some people are there just for a season,

665
00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:40,600
Speaker 2: you know, in your life. Some people are there to

666
00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:43,200
Speaker 2: help you through a time in your life. And sometimes

667
00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:45,720
Speaker 2: you're the person helping another person through the time in

668
00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:48,040
Speaker 2: their life. But you don't have to look at anything

669
00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:51,720
Speaker 2: as permanent. And sometimes that's all it is. It's a

670
00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:53,920
Speaker 2: three year friendship or a ten year friendship or a

671
00:30:53,920 --> 00:30:56,520
Speaker 2: couple months friendship. Sometimes that's it and you won't know

672
00:30:56,560 --> 00:30:59,680
Speaker 2: the purpose of it, maybe ever, But you just have

673
00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:02,320
Speaker 2: to try TuS that either you're there for them or

674
00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:05,240
Speaker 2: they're there for you, and that was important. And then

675
00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:07,760
Speaker 2: when you move on, be graceful about it.

676
00:31:08,120 --> 00:31:08,800
Speaker 6: Absolutely.

677
00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:11,240
Speaker 4: Yeah, And like Chelsea said about not doing it again,

678
00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:13,600
Speaker 4: I think maybe the lesson here that you're going to

679
00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:15,200
Speaker 4: take away is that you're not going to do this

680
00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:17,640
Speaker 4: to another person. And maybe that next person is the

681
00:31:17,640 --> 00:31:19,680
Speaker 4: one that like will really need you.

682
00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:21,400
Speaker 3: To gracefully exit the relationship.

683
00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:23,080
Speaker 1: That sort of thing, right, And.

684
00:31:23,040 --> 00:31:26,160
Speaker 2: The person that you lost gave you this lesson, and

685
00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:28,040
Speaker 2: so that isn't worth nothing either.

686
00:31:28,160 --> 00:31:29,520
Speaker 1: You know that is meaningful.

687
00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:32,320
Speaker 2: That relationship is meaningful because it's going to change how

688
00:31:32,360 --> 00:31:34,120
Speaker 2: you deal with everyone else in the future.

689
00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:36,280
Speaker 6: Yeah, And to be honest, I'm a person that's like

690
00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:39,600
Speaker 6: very non confrontational. So when there's a conversation that has

691
00:31:39,600 --> 00:31:41,720
Speaker 6: to be had that feels like it could go either

692
00:31:41,840 --> 00:31:44,040
Speaker 6: side and not in control of it, I get very

693
00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:45,960
Speaker 6: nervous about them. So that's even a lesson I'm trying

694
00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:48,240
Speaker 6: to teach myself right now, is like not being scared

695
00:31:48,280 --> 00:31:51,160
Speaker 6: of a conversation, being uncomfortable, maybe having a little bit

696
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:52,760
Speaker 6: of conflict and having to work it out with someone.

697
00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:55,320
Speaker 6: It's very, very scary, But at the end of the day,

698
00:31:55,600 --> 00:31:58,280
Speaker 6: once you start doing it, each conversation you have becomes

699
00:31:58,280 --> 00:31:59,760
Speaker 6: easier and easier and easier to face.

700
00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:02,719
Speaker 4: All right, Adam, Well write us in, give us an

701
00:32:02,760 --> 00:32:05,640
Speaker 4: update after you, you know, have that conversation, write that

702
00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:08,080
Speaker 4: letter and keep us posted on how you are.

703
00:32:08,640 --> 00:32:09,560
Speaker 1: Alison. Do you ski?

704
00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:12,880
Speaker 6: I've skied, but it's been years and years and years,

705
00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:15,479
Speaker 6: so I'd have to like relearn retry it. It's been

706
00:32:15,480 --> 00:32:15,680
Speaker 6: a while.

707
00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:18,520
Speaker 1: But I grew oh right, right, right, so of course

708
00:32:18,560 --> 00:32:19,280
Speaker 1: you had to ski.

709
00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:21,800
Speaker 6: But when I was younger, you're a skier.

710
00:32:22,000 --> 00:32:24,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, I can ski. You can teach me how to dance,

711
00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:26,840
Speaker 2: and I can teach you how to ski fire.

712
00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:28,960
Speaker 6: I'm so in on all of that.

713
00:32:29,200 --> 00:32:31,160
Speaker 1: And then we can dance ski. Maybe we can do

714
00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:33,240
Speaker 1: a dance ski for my fiftieth next year.

715
00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:35,520
Speaker 6: Oh I'm so down. Don't kill me with a good time.

716
00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:38,080
Speaker 1: That would be so funny. Oh my god. If I

717
00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:38,880
Speaker 1: could dance on.

718
00:32:38,880 --> 00:32:42,000
Speaker 2: Skis, actually, I'd probably be a better dancer on skis.

719
00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:43,600
Speaker 6: Really would just be the upper money.

720
00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:44,160
Speaker 7: I know that.

721
00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:46,040
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh look, look I got rid of them.

722
00:32:46,120 --> 00:32:47,240
Speaker 3: Have you guys seen those videos?

723
00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:49,600
Speaker 4: There are videos that have been circulating recently that are

724
00:32:49,640 --> 00:32:52,760
Speaker 4: like in the eighties, it was like an Olympic sport

725
00:32:53,280 --> 00:32:56,080
Speaker 4: where people would like ski dance and it's like the

726
00:32:56,120 --> 00:32:57,760
Speaker 4: most eighties thing ever.

727
00:32:58,000 --> 00:32:59,160
Speaker 3: It's kind of incredible.

728
00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:02,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's it's like slow dancing on skis. I've seen

729
00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:02,800
Speaker 2: it going around.

730
00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:05,400
Speaker 6: Yes, I have not seen that. I'm gonna definitely look

731
00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:05,760
Speaker 6: it up.

732
00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:07,800
Speaker 3: Though, worsha Google for sure, for sure.

733
00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:09,280
Speaker 7: Well.

734
00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:14,000
Speaker 4: Our next question comes from Krinne. She says, Dear Chelsea,

735
00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:17,560
Speaker 4: I recently turned forty and welcomed my first baby, the

736
00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:18,520
Speaker 4: cutest boy.

737
00:33:18,360 --> 00:33:18,960
Speaker 3: In December.

738
00:33:19,360 --> 00:33:21,680
Speaker 4: Actually, we live in Ottawa, and I missed Chelsea's show

739
00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:22,960
Speaker 4: here because I was giving birth.

740
00:33:23,040 --> 00:33:23,480
Speaker 3: Womp.

741
00:33:24,280 --> 00:33:26,040
Speaker 4: I have lots to be happy about, and I am,

742
00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:28,680
Speaker 4: but There's one thing I can't stop steing about. On

743
00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:32,560
Speaker 4: Christmas Night last year, my dad's partner of nearly twenty

744
00:33:32,640 --> 00:33:35,719
Speaker 4: years and our stepmom, announced she was leaving him and

745
00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:39,000
Speaker 4: ghosted us completely. She took all of her things that

746
00:33:39,120 --> 00:33:42,040
Speaker 4: evening after guests had left, and we have not heard

747
00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:45,120
Speaker 4: from her since. I'm normally one to say fuck it,

748
00:33:45,280 --> 00:33:48,280
Speaker 4: let's let this go and move forward, but I'm struggling.

749
00:33:48,720 --> 00:33:51,280
Speaker 4: My question is do I reach out to her. I

750
00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:53,760
Speaker 4: don't want a relationship with her, and it's clear she

751
00:33:53,760 --> 00:33:56,560
Speaker 4: doesn't want one with us, but the complete disappearance and

752
00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:59,480
Speaker 4: deceit continue to bother me. She told my dad she

753
00:33:59,520 --> 00:34:02,480
Speaker 4: had decided to end the relationship a month prior, but

754
00:34:02,600 --> 00:34:05,880
Speaker 4: wanted to get through Christmas. Why she went through the

755
00:34:05,920 --> 00:34:09,560
Speaker 4: motions of sending us her Christmas list, so her Christmas

756
00:34:09,560 --> 00:34:12,520
Speaker 4: list of what she wanted. This really grinds my gears

757
00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:16,160
Speaker 4: and even hosting dinner, but why If she had left

758
00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:18,800
Speaker 4: before Christmas, we could have hosted my dad and started

759
00:34:18,840 --> 00:34:21,759
Speaker 4: a new tradition with his first grandson, But instead we

760
00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:24,440
Speaker 4: spent the day with her family, most notably her drunk

761
00:34:24,480 --> 00:34:27,319
Speaker 4: brother who kept telling me I still looked pregnant. If

762
00:34:27,320 --> 00:34:29,200
Speaker 4: I were to reach out, I'm not sure it would

763
00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:31,399
Speaker 4: be worth it. And what am I even looking for?

764
00:34:31,800 --> 00:34:32,319
Speaker 3: Need help?

765
00:34:32,480 --> 00:34:37,120
Speaker 2: Bestkrinn Hi, Karen, Hi, Hi, this is Alison Hooker, our

766
00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:38,240
Speaker 2: special guest today.

767
00:34:38,760 --> 00:34:40,719
Speaker 6: Nice to meet you you too.

768
00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:43,319
Speaker 2: Yeah, you don't want to reach out to her, You're

769
00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:44,680
Speaker 2: not going to get any information.

770
00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:47,400
Speaker 1: And I understand what you're saying.

771
00:34:47,800 --> 00:34:50,239
Speaker 2: You wish she would have left before Christmas, but she

772
00:34:50,360 --> 00:34:52,799
Speaker 2: probably thought she was. She definitely thought she was doing

773
00:34:52,880 --> 00:34:56,040
Speaker 2: the right thing by sticking it through Christmas, which probably

774
00:34:56,120 --> 00:34:58,640
Speaker 2: ninety percent of people would say they would do, is

775
00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:01,120
Speaker 2: stick it out through the hall to do the right

776
00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:04,560
Speaker 2: thing and then get through the holidays and call it.

777
00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:08,080
Speaker 1: So you're not looking for answers. You're irked.

778
00:35:08,480 --> 00:35:10,799
Speaker 2: Yes, you had to spend Christmas with her drunk brother,

779
00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:13,520
Speaker 2: but guess what, you'll never have to see him again,

780
00:35:14,160 --> 00:35:15,960
Speaker 2: and you'll never have to.

781
00:35:15,960 --> 00:35:18,240
Speaker 1: See her again. And how is your father doing.

782
00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:21,080
Speaker 7: He's having a hard time, Like I think that's the

783
00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:24,920
Speaker 7: part of it we're struggling with, Like he was completely shocked.

784
00:35:25,400 --> 00:35:28,080
Speaker 7: So the anger I have is like, yes, I totally

785
00:35:28,160 --> 00:35:31,399
Speaker 7: agree with you. She's like a sweet person and kind

786
00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:33,760
Speaker 7: of wanted to get through the holidays, but I guess

787
00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:36,200
Speaker 7: just the embarrassment to him, like we gave her like

788
00:35:36,320 --> 00:35:39,640
Speaker 7: new grandma ornaments, like I don't care, like move along.

789
00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:41,799
Speaker 7: She deserves to be happy, but I think it's that

790
00:35:41,920 --> 00:35:46,120
Speaker 7: part that I'm struggling with and like seeing him struggle.

791
00:35:46,000 --> 00:35:48,240
Speaker 2: Right, I would take all of your energy and anger

792
00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:50,759
Speaker 2: towards her and put it towards supporting and loving and

793
00:35:50,800 --> 00:35:51,520
Speaker 2: comforting him.

794
00:35:51,680 --> 00:35:52,720
Speaker 1: Yeah, Like take.

795
00:35:52,640 --> 00:35:55,120
Speaker 2: All of that anger and just focus on him and

796
00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:58,160
Speaker 2: help him through this difficult time, because that is who's

797
00:35:58,200 --> 00:36:01,520
Speaker 2: hurting really, you know, and you're hurting on behalf of him.

798
00:36:01,880 --> 00:36:04,480
Speaker 2: You're not missing her, you know, you don't. She's not

799
00:36:04,520 --> 00:36:07,160
Speaker 2: gonna give you any answers that you're gonna like or

800
00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:09,600
Speaker 2: that are gonna help, I promise.

801
00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:12,480
Speaker 6: Sometimes the thing is people we hope to hear something

802
00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:15,520
Speaker 6: that's gonna make us feel better, so we have preconceived ideas.

803
00:36:15,560 --> 00:36:17,759
Speaker 6: I'm like, maybe she'll say this happened or maybe it

804
00:36:17,840 --> 00:36:20,240
Speaker 6: was because of this, but really you don't.

805
00:36:20,040 --> 00:36:20,799
Speaker 1: Know what it is.

806
00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:23,760
Speaker 6: And then that's what's really scary, is the unknown of why,

807
00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:26,240
Speaker 6: and you have so many questions about it. But whatever

808
00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:28,000
Speaker 6: she says, even if she does give you an answer,

809
00:36:28,080 --> 00:36:30,160
Speaker 6: you might not like and it might make it worse

810
00:36:30,480 --> 00:36:33,520
Speaker 6: or more confusing, or it might not even be an

811
00:36:33,560 --> 00:36:35,560
Speaker 6: honest answer from her. She might just be trying to

812
00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:38,839
Speaker 6: like soften the whatever it was. So for me, at

813
00:36:38,840 --> 00:36:40,480
Speaker 6: the end of the day, it's more about you forgiving

814
00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:43,160
Speaker 6: and moving on through it. Right, you are all working

815
00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:46,120
Speaker 6: together in your family of finding your own piece and

816
00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:47,880
Speaker 6: just moving forward together as a unit.

817
00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:51,840
Speaker 7: Yeah, for sure. And it's totally me being like petty

818
00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:54,560
Speaker 7: and a stickler, Like I totally get that, And I

819
00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:56,880
Speaker 7: just have struggled with why does it even bother me?

820
00:36:56,960 --> 00:36:59,719
Speaker 7: Because I would tell anyone exactly what Chelsea just said.

821
00:37:00,239 --> 00:37:01,960
Speaker 2: It bothers you because it's your father and you love

822
00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:03,439
Speaker 2: him and you care about him and you hate see

823
00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:04,239
Speaker 2: him in pain.

824
00:37:04,360 --> 00:37:05,399
Speaker 1: That's why it bothers you.

825
00:37:05,719 --> 00:37:07,760
Speaker 2: But you have a new baby, and that's a great

826
00:37:07,760 --> 00:37:10,759
Speaker 2: focal point, Like that's great for your dad to focus on.

827
00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:12,239
Speaker 1: That's great for you to focus on.

828
00:37:12,320 --> 00:37:14,760
Speaker 2: And all you can do is just be a ballast

829
00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:18,279
Speaker 2: for him, just support him, love him, show up for him,

830
00:37:18,360 --> 00:37:19,439
Speaker 2: let him vent to you.

831
00:37:20,160 --> 00:37:22,160
Speaker 1: Has he had communication with her since they.

832
00:37:22,040 --> 00:37:26,880
Speaker 7: Broke up, only that she wrote him that she canceled

833
00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:30,520
Speaker 7: his Netflix, Like that's the only Wow.

834
00:37:33,920 --> 00:37:38,160
Speaker 2: Oh, God, not really, Yeah, just new beginnings. You have

835
00:37:38,239 --> 00:37:40,719
Speaker 2: to think about it as new beginnings. There's a time

836
00:37:40,719 --> 00:37:43,040
Speaker 2: for grieving, there's a time for morning, and then there's

837
00:37:43,040 --> 00:37:46,239
Speaker 2: a time for like planting and harvesting. And in this

838
00:37:46,320 --> 00:37:48,960
Speaker 2: cycle you are going to get to the next phase

839
00:37:49,880 --> 00:37:52,160
Speaker 2: and just stick with him, you know, use all of

840
00:37:52,160 --> 00:37:55,720
Speaker 2: that anger and turn it into love for your father.

841
00:37:56,160 --> 00:37:57,880
Speaker 7: Yeah, okay, we are.

842
00:37:58,719 --> 00:37:59,719
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm sure you are.

843
00:38:00,120 --> 00:38:02,080
Speaker 2: But when you want to reach out to her, just

844
00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:03,919
Speaker 2: redirect that attention towards him.

845
00:38:04,080 --> 00:38:05,320
Speaker 7: Okay, that's helpful.

846
00:38:05,440 --> 00:38:07,320
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think that's really good advice.

847
00:38:07,440 --> 00:38:10,600
Speaker 2: I think that's the right thing. So yes, and you know,

848
00:38:11,120 --> 00:38:14,160
Speaker 2: be graceful when it's over. Always be graceful when it's over,

849
00:38:14,239 --> 00:38:16,000
Speaker 2: someone tells you they don't want to be there anymore.

850
00:38:16,239 --> 00:38:18,040
Speaker 1: Thank you for letting us know. Goodbye.

851
00:38:18,239 --> 00:38:20,719
Speaker 7: Yeah totally. I just needed to hear.

852
00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:23,440
Speaker 6: If they want to go, you've got to let them go. Unfortunately,

853
00:38:23,440 --> 00:38:25,760
Speaker 6: even though it causes you pain, but you're gonna be okay.

854
00:38:26,040 --> 00:38:27,680
Speaker 7: Yeah, thank you.

855
00:38:28,400 --> 00:38:29,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, no problem.

856
00:38:29,719 --> 00:38:29,839
Speaker 4: Rio.

857
00:38:29,840 --> 00:38:33,240
Speaker 3: Well, thanks for calling Ankorin of course, take care.

858
00:38:37,239 --> 00:38:37,759
Speaker 6: All right.

859
00:38:38,080 --> 00:38:41,280
Speaker 3: Our next one is just an email. This comes from Meredith.

860
00:38:41,360 --> 00:38:44,759
Speaker 3: She says, should I tell my mom about my dad's girlfriend.

861
00:38:45,520 --> 00:38:50,120
Speaker 4: Ah, and it's a little bit of a tricky it's

862
00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:51,200
Speaker 4: a little bit of a tricky title.

863
00:38:51,239 --> 00:38:52,600
Speaker 3: But but you'll say, you'll see.

864
00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:55,680
Speaker 2: I have to say I love salacious affairs, like I

865
00:38:55,719 --> 00:38:57,879
Speaker 2: don't want them to happen to everyone.

866
00:38:58,000 --> 00:38:59,520
Speaker 1: But I do like to hear about it.

867
00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:00,359
Speaker 3: I know, I know.

868
00:39:00,520 --> 00:39:02,640
Speaker 4: Sometimes I'm like, I'm sorry you're going through this, but

869
00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:03,759
Speaker 4: it's great for the time.

870
00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:04,560
Speaker 1: I can't help it.

871
00:39:04,760 --> 00:39:06,880
Speaker 3: Oh, we do like hearing about it.

872
00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:09,400
Speaker 4: Okay, so it's a little bit of a misdirect But

873
00:39:10,160 --> 00:39:14,040
Speaker 4: Dear Chelsea, my sister's daughter has autism, and there's one

874
00:39:14,040 --> 00:39:18,120
Speaker 4: teacher of hers who's been particularly extraordinary. My sister has

875
00:39:18,120 --> 00:39:20,120
Speaker 4: talked to our mom about this teacher a lot because

876
00:39:20,160 --> 00:39:22,240
Speaker 4: of all the wonderful things she's done for my niece

877
00:39:22,280 --> 00:39:25,239
Speaker 4: over the years. But my sister withholds the fact that

878
00:39:25,320 --> 00:39:27,680
Speaker 4: this teacher has been dating our dad for the past

879
00:39:27,760 --> 00:39:31,320
Speaker 4: six months and things are getting serious. In a few weeks,

880
00:39:31,360 --> 00:39:32,880
Speaker 4: my mom and I will be flying in for my

881
00:39:32,960 --> 00:39:36,520
Speaker 4: niece's birthday. My dad and his girlfriend will also be

882
00:39:36,560 --> 00:39:38,879
Speaker 4: at all the birthday events. My dad knows my mom

883
00:39:38,920 --> 00:39:40,919
Speaker 4: will be there, but my mom doesn't know my dad

884
00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:43,960
Speaker 4: has a girlfriend. Let alone that it's someone she knows.

885
00:39:44,360 --> 00:39:46,880
Speaker 4: Though my parents have been divorced for twenty years and

886
00:39:46,960 --> 00:39:49,760
Speaker 4: live in different states, my mom still has a short.

887
00:39:49,560 --> 00:39:51,160
Speaker 3: Fuse when it comes to my dad.

888
00:39:51,760 --> 00:39:54,200
Speaker 4: My dad, sister and I are expecting my mom's reaction

889
00:39:54,280 --> 00:39:59,239
Speaker 4: to be explosive, yelling, crying, running away, etc. I ask

890
00:39:59,360 --> 00:40:01,920
Speaker 4: my sister multiple times to tell our mom about our

891
00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:04,799
Speaker 4: dad's relationship so our mom has time to process and

892
00:40:04,840 --> 00:40:07,280
Speaker 4: she doesn't create a scene at my niece's birthday party.

893
00:40:07,719 --> 00:40:09,920
Speaker 4: But it's been months and it's clear my sister is

894
00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:12,080
Speaker 4: not going to do it. Do I tell my mom

895
00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:14,440
Speaker 4: about my dad's girlfriend, Meredith?

896
00:40:15,160 --> 00:40:18,759
Speaker 2: I'd say yes, I didn't realize they're not married. He's

897
00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:22,080
Speaker 2: allowed to have a girlfriend. That's allowed. Yes, they've been

898
00:40:22,080 --> 00:40:25,360
Speaker 2: divorced and separated for a long time, and yes, to

899
00:40:25,560 --> 00:40:28,879
Speaker 2: save the drama from the actual day, I would absolutely

900
00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:32,000
Speaker 2: be honest with your mother, since your sister camp bring

901
00:40:32,040 --> 00:40:34,239
Speaker 2: herself to do it and your father's I mean, I

902
00:40:34,239 --> 00:40:36,520
Speaker 2: don't know that he has a responsibility to even tell

903
00:40:36,560 --> 00:40:40,319
Speaker 2: her because they've been separated for so long. So I think,

904
00:40:40,400 --> 00:40:43,000
Speaker 2: as a daughter, yes, I think you should tell her

905
00:40:43,040 --> 00:40:44,880
Speaker 2: and say listen, I want to tell you something. This

906
00:40:44,960 --> 00:40:46,640
Speaker 2: is going to be maybe difficult for you to hear,

907
00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:50,040
Speaker 2: but I just want our niece not to suffer anything,

908
00:40:50,200 --> 00:40:51,880
Speaker 2: you know, have any.

909
00:40:51,280 --> 00:40:54,200
Speaker 1: Bad vibes on her birthday. Yeah, but this is the situation.

910
00:40:54,719 --> 00:40:57,720
Speaker 6: Someone that's been separated for twenty years absolutely has permission

911
00:40:57,760 --> 00:40:59,479
Speaker 6: to start date. I mean, there's not really a time frame

912
00:40:59,520 --> 00:41:01,440
Speaker 6: for any of that, right, you don't want that to

913
00:41:01,440 --> 00:41:04,000
Speaker 6: happen at a party. And also it's also one of

914
00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:05,960
Speaker 6: those things like if she is explosive and it has

915
00:41:05,960 --> 00:41:08,920
Speaker 6: this big personality that is going to blow up, you

916
00:41:09,000 --> 00:41:11,759
Speaker 6: should get that that fuse to be started outside of

917
00:41:11,760 --> 00:41:14,400
Speaker 6: the party at home on her own, because she's going

918
00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:16,120
Speaker 6: to show up the party and she's going to see

919
00:41:16,120 --> 00:41:18,320
Speaker 6: them together. She's going to feel the energy, and that

920
00:41:18,600 --> 00:41:21,920
Speaker 6: girlfriend shouldn't have to hide the emotion she has for

921
00:41:21,960 --> 00:41:23,759
Speaker 6: the dad, but she shouldn't have to act like they're

922
00:41:23,800 --> 00:41:26,640
Speaker 6: not together while she's there to protect someone else's feelings

923
00:41:26,640 --> 00:41:28,640
Speaker 6: because they have an explosive personality.

924
00:41:28,800 --> 00:41:31,759
Speaker 4: Yeah, and I'm sure the sister who is like the

925
00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:34,080
Speaker 4: mom of the niece, I'm sure the sister like hasn't

926
00:41:34,080 --> 00:41:36,600
Speaker 4: told mom because she's like, oh, well then mom won't come.

927
00:41:36,920 --> 00:41:39,640
Speaker 3: But you can't just like surprise people with this, like

928
00:41:39,719 --> 00:41:41,000
Speaker 3: if if that's.

929
00:41:40,840 --> 00:41:43,319
Speaker 4: Mom's prerogative and she doesn't want to come because Dad's

930
00:41:43,320 --> 00:41:45,720
Speaker 4: going to be there with his girlfriend, Like she's allowed

931
00:41:45,760 --> 00:41:46,040
Speaker 4: to do that.

932
00:41:46,040 --> 00:41:48,000
Speaker 3: And she has to be able to make her own choice.

933
00:41:48,280 --> 00:41:51,160
Speaker 2: I'm not a big proponent of choosing making choices for

934
00:41:51,239 --> 00:41:54,359
Speaker 2: other people, right. You give people the information and then

935
00:41:54,400 --> 00:41:56,040
Speaker 2: they decide what they're going to do with it. You

936
00:41:56,080 --> 00:41:58,120
Speaker 2: give them the truth and then they decide. You can't

937
00:41:58,160 --> 00:42:00,759
Speaker 2: decide for your mother that she's you know what I mean,

938
00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:03,640
Speaker 2: And your sister can't decide for your mother either, Like, oh,

939
00:42:04,000 --> 00:42:05,560
Speaker 2: maybe she'll find out at the part, Like that's so

940
00:42:05,680 --> 00:42:08,879
Speaker 2: unfair and it's so disloyal. You know, that's your mother

941
00:42:09,120 --> 00:42:11,440
Speaker 2: and that's your father, and you want to be actually

942
00:42:11,480 --> 00:42:14,080
Speaker 2: respectful to both of them. And I also would include

943
00:42:14,080 --> 00:42:16,479
Speaker 2: making sure your mom knows how much this woman has

944
00:42:16,560 --> 00:42:19,200
Speaker 2: done for your niece, because I think that's important information

945
00:42:19,280 --> 00:42:22,280
Speaker 2: for your mother to hear and to kind of mitigate

946
00:42:22,360 --> 00:42:23,000
Speaker 2: her anger.

947
00:42:23,200 --> 00:42:24,280
Speaker 3: Yeah, for sure.

948
00:42:24,520 --> 00:42:27,279
Speaker 2: I love the idea though, that you would be separated

949
00:42:27,320 --> 00:42:30,000
Speaker 2: for twenty years and your ex would be pissed that

950
00:42:30,080 --> 00:42:33,080
Speaker 2: you're dating. Like, I love the notion of that. I

951
00:42:33,160 --> 00:42:35,360
Speaker 2: mean I honestly believe your mom. I mean, there's a

952
00:42:35,440 --> 00:42:38,600
Speaker 2: chance your mom will have absolutely no fucking reaction whatsoever

953
00:42:38,760 --> 00:42:40,520
Speaker 2: true other than the fact that you guys all knew

954
00:42:40,520 --> 00:42:42,360
Speaker 2: about it and no one said anything to her.

955
00:42:43,080 --> 00:42:45,239
Speaker 6: Maybe we should also get her dating, like why does

956
00:42:45,239 --> 00:42:48,320
Speaker 6: no one tell she? Probably maybe she should date someone,

957
00:42:48,560 --> 00:42:50,080
Speaker 6: like maybe you put her on a date.

958
00:42:50,400 --> 00:42:52,840
Speaker 2: Who knows who what she's up to. Maybe she is

959
00:42:52,880 --> 00:42:55,279
Speaker 2: and is too scared to tell her own family. But

960
00:42:55,400 --> 00:42:58,160
Speaker 2: I don't like secrets within families. It's like, no, there's

961
00:42:58,200 --> 00:43:00,640
Speaker 2: no necessary that, there's no need to get be secretive

962
00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:05,120
Speaker 2: like that when you're hiding something that creates toxicity.

963
00:43:05,440 --> 00:43:07,799
Speaker 1: I feel like secrets are always a toxic thing.

964
00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:09,800
Speaker 3: What do they say, you're only as sick as your secrets.

965
00:43:09,880 --> 00:43:10,799
Speaker 3: I think that's like an age.

966
00:43:10,840 --> 00:43:13,080
Speaker 2: Oh, yes, that's right, you're only as sick as your secrets.

967
00:43:13,160 --> 00:43:14,080
Speaker 2: Luckily I have none.

968
00:43:14,239 --> 00:43:14,840
Speaker 1: I have a couple.

969
00:43:14,920 --> 00:43:20,960
Speaker 4: But all right, Well, our next caller is Jess, And

970
00:43:21,480 --> 00:43:24,200
Speaker 4: this question is kind of about like when you're very

971
00:43:24,280 --> 00:43:27,280
Speaker 4: busy making sure that there's time for your family, for balance,

972
00:43:27,320 --> 00:43:30,640
Speaker 4: all that stuff. So Jess is thirty seven and she's

973
00:43:30,640 --> 00:43:34,000
Speaker 4: in Grand Rapids, Michigan. She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm living

974
00:43:34,040 --> 00:43:37,120
Speaker 4: my dream. I have my dream wife, my dream job,

975
00:43:37,200 --> 00:43:40,120
Speaker 4: and quite frankly, my dream life. We don't have kids,

976
00:43:40,120 --> 00:43:42,760
Speaker 4: and we're lucky enough to have the opportunity to travel often,

977
00:43:43,080 --> 00:43:45,279
Speaker 4: and I'm really proud of and happy with the life

978
00:43:45,280 --> 00:43:49,240
Speaker 4: we've created. Unfortunately, my incredible wife of almost ten years

979
00:43:49,280 --> 00:43:52,279
Speaker 4: is not having the same experience. It breaks my heart,

980
00:43:52,480 --> 00:43:56,120
Speaker 4: especially since it seems I'm partially to blame. I started

981
00:43:56,120 --> 00:43:59,640
Speaker 4: a nonprofit seven years ago that utilizes gardening and caring

982
00:43:59,640 --> 00:44:03,040
Speaker 4: for reskewed animals to teach life skills, social skills, and

983
00:44:03,120 --> 00:44:06,640
Speaker 4: job skills to adults with autism. It's the most difficult

984
00:44:06,719 --> 00:44:09,839
Speaker 4: and rewarding thing I've ever done. It requires a lot

985
00:44:09,880 --> 00:44:13,200
Speaker 4: of sacrifices money, time, and energy, and it all goes

986
00:44:13,239 --> 00:44:16,920
Speaker 4: back into the organization. I really try hard to balance

987
00:44:16,960 --> 00:44:18,680
Speaker 4: it with my life at home, but I never seem

988
00:44:18,719 --> 00:44:20,520
Speaker 4: to be able to give my wife everything she needs

989
00:44:20,520 --> 00:44:22,719
Speaker 4: from me. She says that I have nothing left for

990
00:44:22,760 --> 00:44:25,440
Speaker 4: her after work, and she's not wrong. It can be

991
00:44:25,480 --> 00:44:28,160
Speaker 4: all consuming. There's no money to be made in this field.

992
00:44:28,440 --> 00:44:31,360
Speaker 4: We're fortunate to break even, and as an organization, we

993
00:44:31,400 --> 00:44:33,600
Speaker 4: don't even have the finances to hire extra help. At

994
00:44:33,640 --> 00:44:36,239
Speaker 4: the moment, I'm not willing to give my wife less

995
00:44:36,239 --> 00:44:38,600
Speaker 4: than she deserves. I'm also not willing to give up

996
00:44:38,640 --> 00:44:41,400
Speaker 4: this dream. There are too many people depending on it.

997
00:44:41,680 --> 00:44:42,480
Speaker 3: So what do I do?

998
00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:44,400
Speaker 4: I want to make a difference in the world, But

999
00:44:44,440 --> 00:44:46,000
Speaker 4: my wife is not going to put up with this

1000
00:44:46,160 --> 00:44:49,759
Speaker 4: much longer. She's already given so much, aside from winning

1001
00:44:49,760 --> 00:44:52,160
Speaker 4: the lottery to fund the organization. I don't feel like

1002
00:44:52,160 --> 00:44:54,880
Speaker 4: there's a real win here. Please help, Thank you so

1003
00:44:54,880 --> 00:44:55,560
Speaker 4: so much.

1004
00:44:55,920 --> 00:45:00,320
Speaker 2: Jess, Hi, Jess, this is all especially just Alsinholker today.

1005
00:45:00,880 --> 00:45:02,320
Speaker 5: Oh my gosh, wonderful.

1006
00:45:03,000 --> 00:45:05,480
Speaker 2: Okay, so your wife is pissed because she doesn't get

1007
00:45:05,600 --> 00:45:09,319
Speaker 2: enough of your attention. Basically, so when you come home

1008
00:45:09,320 --> 00:45:11,120
Speaker 2: from work, like, what are your work hours?

1009
00:45:11,200 --> 00:45:13,960
Speaker 5: Like, Oh, they're just all over the place. I mean

1010
00:45:14,120 --> 00:45:16,399
Speaker 5: I work seven days a week.

1011
00:45:16,560 --> 00:45:17,000
Speaker 7: It depends.

1012
00:45:17,080 --> 00:45:17,920
Speaker 3: It just depends on what.

1013
00:45:17,880 --> 00:45:21,840
Speaker 5: The needs of the animals are. And you know, depending

1014
00:45:21,880 --> 00:45:24,759
Speaker 5: on if I get you know, we could be on

1015
00:45:24,880 --> 00:45:26,759
Speaker 5: a day or doing something and I get pulled away

1016
00:45:26,760 --> 00:45:29,480
Speaker 5: because the animals escape the fence or whatever. There's just

1017
00:45:29,520 --> 00:45:32,399
Speaker 5: always something that comes up. It's just there's always a need.

1018
00:45:34,040 --> 00:45:36,479
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's tough. And what does your wife have a job,

1019
00:45:36,520 --> 00:45:37,360
Speaker 2: what's her schedule?

1020
00:45:37,440 --> 00:45:42,800
Speaker 5: Like, she is a bartender. She works most evenings some daytimes,

1021
00:45:43,120 --> 00:45:46,000
Speaker 5: but her work is very much you know, like leave

1022
00:45:46,040 --> 00:45:50,560
Speaker 5: it there, whereas mine I bring it home. And so

1023
00:45:50,680 --> 00:45:53,360
Speaker 5: even with I even when I am having time with her,

1024
00:45:53,840 --> 00:45:57,279
Speaker 5: I'm very distracted thinking about all of these people that

1025
00:45:57,640 --> 00:46:00,799
Speaker 5: are depending on me. For a lot of our participants,

1026
00:46:00,920 --> 00:46:04,480
Speaker 5: it's they don't have other options, so we're pretty much

1027
00:46:04,520 --> 00:46:08,040
Speaker 5: their only source of support. So if someone calls me up,

1028
00:46:08,640 --> 00:46:12,120
Speaker 5: I kind of feel obligated to, you know, respond to that.

1029
00:46:12,560 --> 00:46:15,080
Speaker 2: And so you can work at any time of the day,

1030
00:46:15,200 --> 00:46:16,880
Speaker 2: like you could call it in. I mean, are there

1031
00:46:16,920 --> 00:46:19,600
Speaker 2: other people that you can delegate stuff to that work.

1032
00:46:19,440 --> 00:46:23,839
Speaker 5: With you to an extent, Yes, but we don't have

1033
00:46:24,280 --> 00:46:28,360
Speaker 5: the funds to hire enough staff for that. So generally,

1034
00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:32,080
Speaker 5: if it's like in off hours or out of whatever

1035
00:46:32,160 --> 00:46:34,799
Speaker 5: hours we have, then it's pretty much just.

1036
00:46:34,840 --> 00:46:35,880
Speaker 1: Me, okay.

1037
00:46:36,080 --> 00:46:38,319
Speaker 2: And when people call you for an emergency, like, give

1038
00:46:38,320 --> 00:46:40,120
Speaker 2: me an example of what an emergency is.

1039
00:46:40,880 --> 00:46:42,920
Speaker 5: Well, if it's a parent calling, it could be that

1040
00:46:43,000 --> 00:46:46,600
Speaker 5: the parent is having a crisis with their son or

1041
00:46:46,719 --> 00:46:49,240
Speaker 5: daughter and they need help figuring out how to calm

1042
00:46:49,239 --> 00:46:53,040
Speaker 5: them and how to stabilize them. If it's coming from

1043
00:46:53,680 --> 00:46:57,239
Speaker 5: the organization the farm. It could be that animals have

1044
00:46:57,280 --> 00:47:00,759
Speaker 5: gotten out of the fence. It could be that an

1045
00:47:00,800 --> 00:47:04,040
Speaker 5: animal is sick. It could be any number of things.

1046
00:47:04,080 --> 00:47:06,600
Speaker 5: It just depends during the growing season. It could have

1047
00:47:06,760 --> 00:47:08,640
Speaker 5: to do with our garden. It could have to do

1048
00:47:08,760 --> 00:47:11,680
Speaker 5: with managing whatever pass or deer or what I mean.

1049
00:47:11,680 --> 00:47:15,200
Speaker 5: It could be literally hundreds of thousands of reasons.

1050
00:47:15,480 --> 00:47:18,600
Speaker 3: It's like morning tonight every single day, basically.

1051
00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:20,920
Speaker 6: Right, absolutely, absolutely well.

1052
00:47:21,160 --> 00:47:24,000
Speaker 2: It sounds like you're going to have to find sometimes

1053
00:47:24,239 --> 00:47:28,320
Speaker 2: to just block out any sort of you know, needs

1054
00:47:28,360 --> 00:47:32,480
Speaker 2: from your work, like little pockets you know, on certain

1055
00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:35,719
Speaker 2: days when your wife isn't working, whether it's like a

1056
00:47:35,760 --> 00:47:38,800
Speaker 2: Saturday morning for two hours that you are not going

1057
00:47:38,840 --> 00:47:41,680
Speaker 2: to answer your phone or respond to your phone, you know,

1058
00:47:41,800 --> 00:47:44,160
Speaker 2: and leave a message that you're not available for these

1059
00:47:44,239 --> 00:47:47,120
Speaker 2: two hours, because it is reasonable for her to be

1060
00:47:47,320 --> 00:47:50,440
Speaker 2: irritated at that. It sounds like a twenty four hour job.

1061
00:47:50,880 --> 00:47:53,359
Speaker 2: And if you really want to hold on to this relationship,

1062
00:47:53,719 --> 00:47:57,839
Speaker 2: which I'm assuming you do, absolutely yeah, then you have

1063
00:47:57,880 --> 00:48:00,000
Speaker 2: to compromise and you're going to have to figure out

1064
00:48:00,160 --> 00:48:04,440
Speaker 2: away to either delegate some of your responsibilities or just

1065
00:48:04,520 --> 00:48:08,360
Speaker 2: have these like little blackout curtains throughout the week, you know,

1066
00:48:08,560 --> 00:48:10,960
Speaker 2: I mean a couple of hours like each you know,

1067
00:48:11,000 --> 00:48:13,000
Speaker 2: whatever days that you guys want to spend together, or

1068
00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:15,040
Speaker 2: even if it's in the mornings where you're not going

1069
00:48:15,080 --> 00:48:16,520
Speaker 2: to look at your phone and you're going to have

1070
00:48:16,560 --> 00:48:18,919
Speaker 2: a message on your phone saying I will be back

1071
00:48:18,960 --> 00:48:22,200
Speaker 2: and responding to messages at ten am or you know,

1072
00:48:22,440 --> 00:48:23,080
Speaker 2: four pm.

1073
00:48:23,480 --> 00:48:25,359
Speaker 1: I'm not answering messages from two to four.

1074
00:48:25,600 --> 00:48:27,400
Speaker 2: You're gonna have to do that, and you're gonna have

1075
00:48:27,440 --> 00:48:29,799
Speaker 2: to find somebody who can pick who can take care

1076
00:48:29,840 --> 00:48:32,680
Speaker 2: of things for those two hours that you can delegate

1077
00:48:32,719 --> 00:48:35,160
Speaker 2: that too, and I think you can. It sounds like

1078
00:48:35,320 --> 00:48:38,720
Speaker 2: what you're doing is pretty like noble, and the people

1079
00:48:38,760 --> 00:48:40,560
Speaker 2: that you work with are probably going to want to

1080
00:48:40,920 --> 00:48:43,239
Speaker 2: you know, is there some exchange you can do with

1081
00:48:43,280 --> 00:48:45,160
Speaker 2: the other people that also work there where you can

1082
00:48:45,239 --> 00:48:46,319
Speaker 2: kind of cover each other.

1083
00:48:46,960 --> 00:48:50,239
Speaker 5: Yes, yes, I think there is some of that. I think,

1084
00:48:51,000 --> 00:48:54,319
Speaker 5: you know, it's also a big boundary issue I have

1085
00:48:54,520 --> 00:48:57,960
Speaker 5: with the participants and the parents of the participants of

1086
00:48:58,040 --> 00:49:01,400
Speaker 5: the program, where you know, well, I have kind of

1087
00:49:01,440 --> 00:49:04,359
Speaker 5: made myself available twenty four to seven, and I need

1088
00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:07,640
Speaker 5: to kind of change that precedent because it's not working

1089
00:49:07,680 --> 00:49:08,120
Speaker 5: for us.

1090
00:49:08,480 --> 00:49:11,839
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean even if you're available nine to five,

1091
00:49:12,000 --> 00:49:14,359
Speaker 4: it's too much because then you still have to do

1092
00:49:14,400 --> 00:49:16,800
Speaker 4: all this care for all these animals in the off hours,

1093
00:49:17,360 --> 00:49:19,200
Speaker 4: you know. I mean you can't be these people's like

1094
00:49:19,280 --> 00:49:22,120
Speaker 4: primary point of contact for like you know, medical and

1095
00:49:22,120 --> 00:49:27,560
Speaker 4: emotional emergencies and have this like farm situation. I do

1096
00:49:27,680 --> 00:49:30,399
Speaker 4: have some thoughts, like specifically how to like bring in

1097
00:49:30,480 --> 00:49:32,120
Speaker 4: additional help, you know.

1098
00:49:32,320 --> 00:49:35,520
Speaker 3: I think if Tiger King taught us anything, it.

1099
00:49:35,480 --> 00:49:38,000
Speaker 4: Is that there is a world of people out there

1100
00:49:38,040 --> 00:49:41,239
Speaker 4: who love animals and are ready to volunteer to come

1101
00:49:41,280 --> 00:49:44,440
Speaker 4: help at something like this, especially because it's for you know,

1102
00:49:44,520 --> 00:49:48,040
Speaker 4: members of the autistic community and helping people as well.

1103
00:49:48,120 --> 00:49:52,000
Speaker 4: So you're in Grand Rapids, Michigan, right, Yes, And do

1104
00:49:52,040 --> 00:49:54,239
Speaker 4: you have like an Instagram or somewhere where people can

1105
00:49:54,280 --> 00:49:56,080
Speaker 4: reach out to you if this sounds like they would

1106
00:49:56,160 --> 00:49:56,960
Speaker 4: like to volunteer.

1107
00:49:58,040 --> 00:50:00,360
Speaker 5: Yes, Yes, you can do it through the website site,

1108
00:50:00,360 --> 00:50:02,160
Speaker 5: which is we grow roots dot org.

1109
00:50:02,640 --> 00:50:04,799
Speaker 4: Amazing, amazing, and we'll make sure that we put that

1110
00:50:04,840 --> 00:50:07,359
Speaker 4: in the description as well. And I think Chelsea is right,

1111
00:50:07,480 --> 00:50:10,080
Speaker 4: like a date night goes a really long way or

1112
00:50:10,200 --> 00:50:12,680
Speaker 4: date morning, if it's like we know every Saturday morning

1113
00:50:12,719 --> 00:50:14,759
Speaker 4: we're going out to brunch or whatever it is.

1114
00:50:14,840 --> 00:50:17,799
Speaker 2: But yeah, you are boundaryless and it's honorable for what

1115
00:50:17,840 --> 00:50:19,799
Speaker 2: you're doing, so I can understand it. But if you

1116
00:50:19,960 --> 00:50:22,560
Speaker 2: put the effort towards your spouse and say, I'm going

1117
00:50:22,600 --> 00:50:25,040
Speaker 2: to put two of these days aside, two of these

1118
00:50:25,040 --> 00:50:28,160
Speaker 2: time slots aside, whether it's Friday night or Tuesday night

1119
00:50:28,280 --> 00:50:31,520
Speaker 2: or Saturday morning, whatever, this is just for us. I'm

1120
00:50:31,560 --> 00:50:33,640
Speaker 2: going to let everyone know that I'm not going to

1121
00:50:33,680 --> 00:50:36,520
Speaker 2: be reachable during those hours. And you can be honest

1122
00:50:36,520 --> 00:50:38,640
Speaker 2: if you want to be being Like, listen, my relationship

1123
00:50:38,680 --> 00:50:41,359
Speaker 2: is suffering because of my work. I've over you know,

1124
00:50:41,400 --> 00:50:43,719
Speaker 2: I have no boundaries, and it's necessary for me to

1125
00:50:43,760 --> 00:50:46,440
Speaker 2: create some. I've spoken with a counselor her name is

1126
00:50:46,520 --> 00:50:50,120
Speaker 2: Chelsea Handler, and I need to create some boundaries because

1127
00:50:50,160 --> 00:50:52,839
Speaker 2: you want to save your marriage, and when you put

1128
00:50:52,880 --> 00:50:54,200
Speaker 2: forth that effort towards.

1129
00:50:54,040 --> 00:50:56,839
Speaker 1: Your partner, a little goes a really long way.

1130
00:50:57,680 --> 00:51:01,319
Speaker 6: Yeah, I pull those non negotia in my life, like

1131
00:51:01,719 --> 00:51:04,839
Speaker 6: I absolutely I am blocked off Saturday mornings from nine

1132
00:51:04,840 --> 00:51:06,520
Speaker 6: to twelve or or and do whatever we want to do.

1133
00:51:06,719 --> 00:51:08,960
Speaker 6: No one can contact me, no checking your emails. But

1134
00:51:09,000 --> 00:51:11,280
Speaker 6: you also have to be diligent of like not checking

1135
00:51:11,320 --> 00:51:13,839
Speaker 6: your phones and going back to those people reaching out

1136
00:51:13,840 --> 00:51:16,120
Speaker 6: at the same time. But I even think, for me,

1137
00:51:16,160 --> 00:51:18,680
Speaker 6: when I'm hearing your story, I agree with you, like

1138
00:51:18,719 --> 00:51:21,000
Speaker 6: the boundaries. We definitely have to put up boundaries. But

1139
00:51:21,080 --> 00:51:23,080
Speaker 6: it also seems like you have to have non negotiable

1140
00:51:23,160 --> 00:51:26,239
Speaker 6: time for just yourself because you keep pouring into so

1141
00:51:26,480 --> 00:51:29,080
Speaker 6: many people and you're talking about your relationship, you're talking

1142
00:51:29,080 --> 00:51:32,239
Speaker 6: about the animals, talking about your charit. But like you

1143
00:51:32,320 --> 00:51:34,440
Speaker 6: also have to protect your energy. So I think you

1144
00:51:34,480 --> 00:51:36,480
Speaker 6: have to have like a date night that's like scheduled,

1145
00:51:36,880 --> 00:51:38,959
Speaker 6: but also you have to have time for yourself, whether

1146
00:51:38,960 --> 00:51:41,440
Speaker 6: it's working out, going on a walk by yourself. I

1147
00:51:41,480 --> 00:51:44,560
Speaker 6: think you need to prioritize yourself so then by the

1148
00:51:44,560 --> 00:51:46,400
Speaker 6: time you get to date night, you even have energy

1149
00:51:46,400 --> 00:51:47,520
Speaker 6: to be able to pour into someone.

1150
00:51:48,239 --> 00:51:50,840
Speaker 5: Thank you. Yeah that is that's I feel like that

1151
00:51:51,000 --> 00:51:53,720
Speaker 5: is a really important piece that I'm missing. For sure,

1152
00:51:53,920 --> 00:51:59,040
Speaker 5: I give everything I have to whomever I can give

1153
00:51:59,040 --> 00:52:01,520
Speaker 5: it to, and then yeah, I feel pretty drained. So

1154
00:52:01,719 --> 00:52:04,400
Speaker 5: I think that thank you, thank you for that recommendation.

1155
00:52:05,000 --> 00:52:07,200
Speaker 2: It is so important what Elson just said, Like, if

1156
00:52:07,239 --> 00:52:09,719
Speaker 2: your cup is full, you are able to fill other's cup.

1157
00:52:09,760 --> 00:52:12,759
Speaker 2: When your cup is depleted, you're empty handed, right, You

1158
00:52:12,800 --> 00:52:14,879
Speaker 2: know what I mean. So you have to fig whether

1159
00:52:14,920 --> 00:52:17,520
Speaker 2: it's meditating every morning, whether it is giving yourself an

1160
00:52:17,560 --> 00:52:21,040
Speaker 2: hour every morning to get centered and focused so that

1161
00:52:21,120 --> 00:52:23,880
Speaker 2: you are available, and to know when you are reaching

1162
00:52:23,920 --> 00:52:26,360
Speaker 2: your limit, and to know and say, I am not

1163
00:52:26,560 --> 00:52:29,600
Speaker 2: going to be helpful to you at this point because

1164
00:52:29,719 --> 00:52:32,440
Speaker 2: I've overworked and I need to be fresh, like I

1165
00:52:32,480 --> 00:52:35,400
Speaker 2: need to refresh. And part of that refresh is spending

1166
00:52:35,440 --> 00:52:37,840
Speaker 2: time with your wife, quality time with your wife, and

1167
00:52:37,920 --> 00:52:40,600
Speaker 2: part of it is spending quality time alone. I would

1168
00:52:40,600 --> 00:52:42,680
Speaker 2: spend more time with your wife than alone right now,

1169
00:52:42,719 --> 00:52:43,759
Speaker 2: because it sounds like.

1170
00:52:43,719 --> 00:52:46,480
Speaker 1: She's fucking pissed off. So I would really go in

1171
00:52:46,560 --> 00:52:46,879
Speaker 1: on that.

1172
00:52:47,280 --> 00:52:49,719
Speaker 2: But I would really even if it's fifteen minutes every

1173
00:52:49,719 --> 00:52:52,160
Speaker 2: morning where you just sit and you meditate, or you

1174
00:52:52,200 --> 00:52:55,279
Speaker 2: sit and you do affirmations, you know, but you have

1175
00:52:55,360 --> 00:52:58,799
Speaker 2: to really be respectful of your time and your bandwidth.

1176
00:52:59,440 --> 00:53:01,600
Speaker 2: And I know, oh that to be true. I've been there,

1177
00:53:01,719 --> 00:53:04,879
Speaker 2: Allison's been there, Catherine's been there. Every single person has

1178
00:53:04,920 --> 00:53:07,040
Speaker 2: lit the candle at both ends. And paid the price

1179
00:53:07,440 --> 00:53:10,480
Speaker 2: because you're not giving the best of yourself when you're

1180
00:53:10,480 --> 00:53:11,160
Speaker 2: that depleted.

1181
00:53:11,520 --> 00:53:14,520
Speaker 5: So how do how do the three of you manage

1182
00:53:14,640 --> 00:53:19,680
Speaker 5: your personal relationships being how busy you all three are well?

1183
00:53:19,719 --> 00:53:21,680
Speaker 6: With mine, so with my I have three children, so

1184
00:53:21,719 --> 00:53:25,160
Speaker 6: I'll talk about those relationships. I schedule out something that's

1185
00:53:25,200 --> 00:53:27,800
Speaker 6: personal for them each week. That's kind of like everyone

1186
00:53:27,800 --> 00:53:29,759
Speaker 6: looks for. Like my daughter, she loves to get her

1187
00:53:29,840 --> 00:53:31,799
Speaker 6: nails done, so we get her nails done and that's

1188
00:53:31,840 --> 00:53:34,359
Speaker 6: our own time, just us too. I do it every

1189
00:53:34,360 --> 00:53:37,719
Speaker 6: single time with her. It's very consistent. I also send

1190
00:53:37,719 --> 00:53:40,279
Speaker 6: her flowers every month just because I between us. But

1191
00:53:40,360 --> 00:53:42,880
Speaker 6: then my son Max, I take into Yogurtland and just

1192
00:53:42,920 --> 00:53:45,279
Speaker 6: a date with us without the other kids. So I

1193
00:53:45,280 --> 00:53:48,480
Speaker 6: always make sure that each kid gets even just an

1194
00:53:48,600 --> 00:53:52,759
Speaker 6: hour of my time, no phone, no work, no friends,

1195
00:53:52,800 --> 00:53:55,359
Speaker 6: no other kids, and it's just focused on them.

1196
00:53:55,880 --> 00:53:57,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's nice.

1197
00:53:57,239 --> 00:53:59,560
Speaker 4: I think setting the time on your calendar is like

1198
00:53:59,840 --> 00:54:01,320
Speaker 4: absolutely helpful.

1199
00:54:01,560 --> 00:54:02,560
Speaker 3: It's a seesaw too.

1200
00:54:02,600 --> 00:54:04,319
Speaker 4: You know, some weeks are going to be busier, some

1201
00:54:04,360 --> 00:54:06,920
Speaker 4: weeks you're not going to be as busy. So for me,

1202
00:54:07,040 --> 00:54:08,640
Speaker 4: I know it's like, oh my gosh, I haven't really

1203
00:54:08,640 --> 00:54:11,000
Speaker 4: connected with my husband. In a little while, I'm gonna

1204
00:54:11,040 --> 00:54:13,760
Speaker 4: like put some time on the calendar. Hey, on Friday,

1205
00:54:13,760 --> 00:54:16,560
Speaker 4: we're doing absolutely nothing but date night or hanging out

1206
00:54:16,600 --> 00:54:18,040
Speaker 4: and watching a movie or whatever it is.

1207
00:54:18,520 --> 00:54:20,399
Speaker 1: And I think, you know, you're a giver.

1208
00:54:20,560 --> 00:54:24,640
Speaker 2: You're giving out your output output output, And you know,

1209
00:54:24,760 --> 00:54:27,160
Speaker 2: I've gone through phases in my life where people are

1210
00:54:27,160 --> 00:54:29,360
Speaker 2: going through things and it is so important for me

1211
00:54:29,400 --> 00:54:31,200
Speaker 2: to be a good friend, Like that is my number

1212
00:54:31,239 --> 00:54:33,160
Speaker 2: one thing. Like I love to show up for people

1213
00:54:33,160 --> 00:54:35,440
Speaker 2: when they're in crisis or when they need me, Like

1214
00:54:35,520 --> 00:54:37,240
Speaker 2: I am dependable and I am reliable.

1215
00:54:37,280 --> 00:54:38,799
Speaker 1: Those are the things I've always wanted to be.

1216
00:54:39,480 --> 00:54:43,800
Speaker 2: But you have to understand that when it is time

1217
00:54:44,600 --> 00:54:47,560
Speaker 2: for you to be selfish, like for you to take

1218
00:54:47,600 --> 00:54:50,640
Speaker 2: care of yourself, Like people think, oh, I'm being so

1219
00:54:51,040 --> 00:54:55,200
Speaker 2: Like it's not selfish, it's filling yourself up with more gas,

1220
00:54:55,600 --> 00:54:58,120
Speaker 2: spending your time alone. Like you have to take that

1221
00:54:58,239 --> 00:55:01,040
Speaker 2: time and say, yes, I am going to be selfish.

1222
00:55:01,120 --> 00:55:01,479
Speaker 1: Right now.

1223
00:55:01,920 --> 00:55:05,080
Speaker 2: You've given enough to enough people to like get you

1224
00:55:05,120 --> 00:55:08,120
Speaker 2: into heaven three times over. So when you need that

1225
00:55:08,239 --> 00:55:11,239
Speaker 2: time alone, you have to a be able to recognize it,

1226
00:55:11,600 --> 00:55:14,680
Speaker 2: recognize when you're like depleted and go okay, okay, okay,

1227
00:55:15,040 --> 00:55:17,799
Speaker 2: you're not of good use to anyone, certainly not your

1228
00:55:17,840 --> 00:55:20,200
Speaker 2: partner or the people that you work with when you

1229
00:55:20,280 --> 00:55:23,360
Speaker 2: are constantly running on empty. So you have to really

1230
00:55:23,440 --> 00:55:25,600
Speaker 2: really be able to a recognize it and then be

1231
00:55:25,800 --> 00:55:29,000
Speaker 2: execute that by going, Okay, this is my time. I'm

1232
00:55:29,040 --> 00:55:31,160
Speaker 2: going to go for a walk, I'm going to refresh,

1233
00:55:31,200 --> 00:55:33,080
Speaker 2: I'm going to recharge, I'm going to take a nap

1234
00:55:33,080 --> 00:55:35,239
Speaker 2: for thirty minutes. Whatever it is that you need to

1235
00:55:35,280 --> 00:55:37,279
Speaker 2: do that's going to make you feel better. Do not

1236
00:55:37,400 --> 00:55:39,239
Speaker 2: be shy about asking for it and.

1237
00:55:39,200 --> 00:55:39,880
Speaker 1: Then taking it.

1238
00:55:40,080 --> 00:55:40,480
Speaker 6: Thank you.

1239
00:55:41,120 --> 00:55:42,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, and don't be shy.

1240
00:55:42,280 --> 00:55:45,200
Speaker 2: About asking people that work with you for that time too,

1241
00:55:45,600 --> 00:55:48,239
Speaker 2: you know, tell them I need thirty minutes right now,

1242
00:55:48,480 --> 00:55:50,640
Speaker 2: I need to recharge. I need to go spend this

1243
00:55:50,680 --> 00:55:53,440
Speaker 2: time with my wife. Don't be shy about asking for favors.

1244
00:55:53,480 --> 00:55:55,719
Speaker 2: People are more willing to do things for you than

1245
00:55:55,800 --> 00:55:56,279
Speaker 2: we all know.

1246
00:55:57,600 --> 00:55:59,239
Speaker 5: Yeah, you're right, you're right. I need to be a

1247
00:55:59,239 --> 00:56:01,000
Speaker 5: better at asking for help, that's for sure.

1248
00:56:01,200 --> 00:56:03,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not You're not a hero when you're just

1249
00:56:04,000 --> 00:56:07,960
Speaker 2: constantly getting drained, Right, it feels like you're doing the

1250
00:56:08,040 --> 00:56:10,880
Speaker 2: right thing, but it's not heroic, yeah, because in the

1251
00:56:11,040 --> 00:56:12,240
Speaker 2: end everyone suffers.

1252
00:56:12,360 --> 00:56:15,040
Speaker 4: Yeah, right right, And saying no is a bit of

1253
00:56:15,080 --> 00:56:17,279
Speaker 4: a muscle you have to work like. It will be

1254
00:56:17,360 --> 00:56:19,440
Speaker 4: hard for you at first, and you may get people

1255
00:56:19,440 --> 00:56:21,239
Speaker 4: who are like you weren't there, but you know what,

1256
00:56:21,320 --> 00:56:24,640
Speaker 4: they will realize that, like you need time for yourself

1257
00:56:24,880 --> 00:56:27,879
Speaker 4: and that's okay. Like it's okay if sometimes you get

1258
00:56:27,880 --> 00:56:31,040
Speaker 4: people who are upset about it, because they'll kind of

1259
00:56:31,040 --> 00:56:33,400
Speaker 4: get used to it as well, or they won't and

1260
00:56:33,440 --> 00:56:35,879
Speaker 4: they'll go find some other boundaryless person to bother.

1261
00:56:36,040 --> 00:56:38,239
Speaker 3: But the more you work that muscle of saying no

1262
00:56:38,480 --> 00:56:40,440
Speaker 3: and setting a boundary, the better you'll get at it.

1263
00:56:41,000 --> 00:56:44,880
Speaker 5: Yeah. I think that's really important because I don't want

1264
00:56:44,920 --> 00:56:47,600
Speaker 5: to be unavailable for anyone, but I also don't want

1265
00:56:47,640 --> 00:56:50,320
Speaker 5: to be available twenty four to seven. And I think

1266
00:56:51,040 --> 00:56:57,600
Speaker 5: I've given certain people sort of this unending support that

1267
00:56:57,719 --> 00:56:59,719
Speaker 5: just has no limits, and so I need to start

1268
00:56:59,719 --> 00:57:02,920
Speaker 5: setting a boundary and changing that precedent.

1269
00:57:03,560 --> 00:57:06,759
Speaker 2: Change that precedent, pick a few hour windows throughout the week,

1270
00:57:06,800 --> 00:57:09,680
Speaker 2: and also stop answering calls at a certain time of night,

1271
00:57:09,719 --> 00:57:13,480
Speaker 2: whether it's eight o'clock or nine, whatever you feel comfortable with.

1272
00:57:13,560 --> 00:57:16,280
Speaker 2: But as an expression of love to your partner. I

1273
00:57:16,360 --> 00:57:19,120
Speaker 2: am not going to answer calls past this time.

1274
00:57:19,320 --> 00:57:19,840
Speaker 1: I'm just not.

1275
00:57:20,200 --> 00:57:24,560
Speaker 2: Whatever happens, that happens, and I'll be available tomorrow during

1276
00:57:24,600 --> 00:57:25,280
Speaker 2: workout yepes.

1277
00:57:25,320 --> 00:57:27,840
Speaker 1: But pick a time and start sticking to that.

1278
00:57:27,880 --> 00:57:30,919
Speaker 2: And people do respect when you set boundaries. They don't

1279
00:57:31,000 --> 00:57:33,040
Speaker 2: like it in the beginning, but they respect.

1280
00:57:32,680 --> 00:57:37,840
Speaker 4: It, right right, all right, Jess, Well keep us posting,

1281
00:57:37,880 --> 00:57:38,360
Speaker 4: all right.

1282
00:57:38,800 --> 00:57:41,000
Speaker 5: I will thank you so much, all three of you

1283
00:57:41,120 --> 00:57:43,600
Speaker 5: for your time. It's been such a pleasure to meet you.

1284
00:57:44,200 --> 00:57:44,560
Speaker 6: Thank you.

1285
00:57:44,640 --> 00:57:45,840
Speaker 5: I appreciate it so much.

1286
00:57:46,400 --> 00:57:49,040
Speaker 2: Oh, you're welcome, Jess. Good luck with everything, and thank

1287
00:57:49,080 --> 00:57:50,120
Speaker 2: you for the work you're doing.

1288
00:57:50,560 --> 00:57:50,800
Speaker 7: Oh.

1289
00:57:50,840 --> 00:57:52,360
Speaker 1: Absolutely, take care.

1290
00:57:52,840 --> 00:57:53,440
Speaker 6: Bye.

1291
00:57:53,880 --> 00:57:55,600
Speaker 2: Okay, we're going to take a quick break and we're

1292
00:57:55,600 --> 00:58:02,560
Speaker 2: going to wrap it up with Alison Holker and we're

1293
00:58:02,560 --> 00:58:06,439
Speaker 2: back Allison. Allison's new book, you guys, it's a children's book.

1294
00:58:06,480 --> 00:58:09,280
Speaker 2: It's called Keep Dancing Through. It's a boss family groove

1295
00:58:09,320 --> 00:58:12,320
Speaker 2: and it's all about positive affirmations for your children and

1296
00:58:12,400 --> 00:58:15,760
Speaker 2: way to spread joy and sunshine. Allison, Before you go,

1297
00:58:15,880 --> 00:58:17,800
Speaker 2: I do want to ask you if you could give

1298
00:58:17,840 --> 00:58:21,600
Speaker 2: one piece of advice to anyone experiencing grief or loss.

1299
00:58:22,000 --> 00:58:23,160
Speaker 1: What would you say.

1300
00:58:23,200 --> 00:58:25,320
Speaker 6: Life isn't about what happens to you, It's about how

1301
00:58:25,360 --> 00:58:26,160
Speaker 6: you walk through it.

1302
00:58:26,520 --> 00:58:29,600
Speaker 1: Love it, love it. Thank you so much for being

1303
00:58:29,600 --> 00:58:30,400
Speaker 1: our guest today.

1304
00:58:30,640 --> 00:58:33,760
Speaker 2: I adore you, and I well, I'm going to contact

1305
00:58:33,800 --> 00:58:35,160
Speaker 2: you when I'm back in La so we can have

1306
00:58:35,200 --> 00:58:36,080
Speaker 2: a drink together.

1307
00:58:36,920 --> 00:58:38,680
Speaker 6: I love that way.

1308
00:58:39,600 --> 00:58:44,160
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, and congrats on everything. And you can see

1309
00:58:44,160 --> 00:58:46,520
Speaker 2: her every week on So you think you could dance?

1310
00:58:47,040 --> 00:58:49,400
Speaker 2: Thanks Allison, Thank you so much you guys, It's been

1311
00:58:49,480 --> 00:58:50,160
Speaker 2: so much fun.

1312
00:58:50,680 --> 00:58:51,760
Speaker 6: Hopefully come back.

1313
00:58:51,840 --> 00:58:54,080
Speaker 2: Yes or I'll be on so you think you can say?

1314
00:58:55,400 --> 00:58:56,960
Speaker 2: That's actually the perfect title for me.

1315
00:58:59,240 --> 00:59:02,040
Speaker 1: Okay, guys, so for stand up.

1316
00:59:02,120 --> 00:59:04,520
Speaker 2: My next two shows in Vancouver are March twenty ninth.

1317
00:59:04,680 --> 00:59:07,880
Speaker 2: There are still tickets available for March thirtieth in Vancouver

1318
00:59:08,320 --> 00:59:11,080
Speaker 2: if you're in the Vancouver area, so get your tickets

1319
00:59:11,120 --> 00:59:14,160
Speaker 2: before they run out. That's March twenty ninth is sold out.

1320
00:59:14,160 --> 00:59:16,720
Speaker 2: March thirtieth tickets available. And then I'm coming to Salt

1321
00:59:16,760 --> 00:59:19,840
Speaker 2: Lake City on April fourth, and I'm coming to Denver,

1322
00:59:19,920 --> 00:59:24,240
Speaker 2: Colorado and April fifth. Tickets are still available for those two. Maricopa,

1323
00:59:24,280 --> 00:59:29,160
Speaker 2: Arizona is April twelfth, and then Brooks California is April thirteenth,

1324
00:59:29,200 --> 00:59:32,560
Speaker 2: and we added a second show in Sydney, and we

1325
00:59:32,640 --> 00:59:35,760
Speaker 2: added a second show in Prior Lake, Minnesota, which is

1326
00:59:35,800 --> 00:59:38,880
Speaker 2: now going to be May twenty fourth. We added the

1327
00:59:38,920 --> 00:59:42,240
Speaker 2: Santa Barbara Bowl, which is so fun. I performed there

1328
00:59:42,320 --> 00:59:46,200
Speaker 2: last year. That's August seventeenth, the Santa Barbara Bowl. We

1329
00:59:46,200 --> 00:59:49,720
Speaker 2: added a second show at Santa Rosa on August second,

1330
00:59:50,360 --> 00:59:53,160
Speaker 2: and we added two dates at Hawaii.

1331
00:59:53,280 --> 00:59:53,640
Speaker 1: Guys.

1332
00:59:54,040 --> 00:59:58,680
Speaker 2: I'm coming to Hawaii on July nineteenth to ca Who

1333
00:59:58,880 --> 01:00:03,360
Speaker 2: Louis gonna be at Caho Louis, And then I'm coming

1334
01:00:03,440 --> 01:00:07,080
Speaker 2: on July twenty at to Honolulu. And I just added

1335
01:00:07,080 --> 01:00:11,600
Speaker 2: another date on August first Auburn, Washington. So, and all

1336
01:00:11,640 --> 01:00:14,880
Speaker 2: my Australia and New Zealand dates are up, and I

1337
01:00:14,920 --> 01:00:18,720
Speaker 2: will be announcing a European tour shortly, so I will

1338
01:00:18,760 --> 01:00:19,320
Speaker 2: be coming there.

1339
01:00:19,400 --> 01:00:20,880
Speaker 1: And I'm coming to Oklahoma.

1340
01:00:20,920 --> 01:00:24,240
Speaker 2: I have two dates in Oklahoma May third, which is

1341
01:00:24,280 --> 01:00:27,640
Speaker 2: my mother's birthday, Norman, Oklahoma, and May fourth, I will.

1342
01:00:27,520 --> 01:00:29,120
Speaker 1: Be in Thackerville, Oklahoma.

1343
01:00:29,240 --> 01:00:34,120
Speaker 2: So Oklahomians, Oklahoma's Oklohm's come fine.

1344
01:00:34,520 --> 01:00:36,920
Speaker 4: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email

1345
01:00:36,960 --> 01:00:39,800
Speaker 4: at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be

1346
01:00:39,840 --> 01:00:42,880
Speaker 4: sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited

1347
01:00:42,880 --> 01:00:46,520
Speaker 4: and engineered by Brad Dickard executive producer Catherine Law and

1348
01:00:46,600 --> 01:00:49,040
Speaker 4: be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot

1349
01:00:49,040 --> 01:00:49,840
Speaker 4: com