1 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:08,640 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:08,720 --> 00:00:10,960 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:14,200 Speaker 1: changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean 4 00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:21,919 Speaker 1: for our psychology. Thanks for joining in again and for 5 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:25,840 Speaker 1: listening to this episode. Today, we're going to talk about 6 00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:30,080 Speaker 1: love languages. Maybe you've heard of them, maybe you haven't. 7 00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:33,920 Speaker 1: Maybe that's why you decided to listen to this episode. 8 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:37,880 Speaker 1: But regardless of your pre existing knowledge of the idea, 9 00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:42,760 Speaker 1: there is plenty to learn today. If there is noise 10 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:45,800 Speaker 1: in the background, I'm so sorry. I'm currently recording this 11 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:50,640 Speaker 1: under a blanket in my house because it's raining. Because 12 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:54,920 Speaker 1: Lendina does not sleep. She just doesn't. So love languages, 13 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:57,720 Speaker 1: that's what we're talking about this week. Essentially, there are 14 00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:02,840 Speaker 1: ways that people express and love. That's the basic premises 15 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:07,160 Speaker 1: and the founder of this concept, essentially, he believes his 16 00:01:07,319 --> 00:01:11,959 Speaker 1: name's Chapman, and he believes that he's created a tool, 17 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:13,839 Speaker 1: a test or I guess, kind of like a dimensional 18 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:17,040 Speaker 1: method that can reveal exactly how you want to be 19 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:20,240 Speaker 1: loved and the ways in which you best show love. 20 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:24,840 Speaker 1: And since it's creation back in the eighties early nineties, 21 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:29,200 Speaker 1: it's expanded quite significantly. Obviously, it's now an online quitz 22 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:32,360 Speaker 1: that I'm sure I would say most of you have done, 23 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:35,679 Speaker 1: and it's no longer just primarily used for couples. It's 24 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:38,920 Speaker 1: used for friendships, the relationships you have with your family, 25 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:43,520 Speaker 1: and even get this in the workplace, although I'm not 26 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:46,000 Speaker 1: quite sure how they incorporate physical touch into that. That 27 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:49,279 Speaker 1: sounds like they're walking a very thin line between healthy 28 00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:53,280 Speaker 1: work relationships and a lawsuit. But anyhow, you can kind 29 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:56,800 Speaker 1: of get the gist. It has become its own kind 30 00:01:56,800 --> 00:02:00,480 Speaker 1: of phenomenon and a pretty core part of our psyche babble. 31 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:03,600 Speaker 1: I remember when I was at UNI, this was like 32 00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:06,440 Speaker 1: a huge thing that people talked about. Oh, you know, like, 33 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:09,560 Speaker 1: what's your love language? I remember doing the quiz. I've 34 00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:11,760 Speaker 1: probably done it quite a few times, and it's changed 35 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:15,120 Speaker 1: every time, But I remember doing it with a group 36 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,720 Speaker 1: of friends, like at one of my UNI dining tables, 37 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:21,200 Speaker 1: like way back in twenty and seventeen, and even today, 38 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:25,160 Speaker 1: people often trot out their self identified love languages as 39 00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:28,520 Speaker 1: kind of a shorthand to indicate how they behave in 40 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:32,120 Speaker 1: relationships in the same kind of casual and convenient way 41 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:34,240 Speaker 1: you might talk about your star sign or your Mayer's 42 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:37,040 Speaker 1: brig type or your Hogwarts house. I see it on 43 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:40,920 Speaker 1: Hinge profiles all the time, like all the time, you know. 44 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:44,320 Speaker 1: I think it's even a prompt on Hinge, And funnily enough, 45 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:48,280 Speaker 1: like the dating app actually did some psychological research on 46 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:51,640 Speaker 1: love languages that we're going to talk about later. And 47 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:54,560 Speaker 1: you know, it's in every context I've talked about it 48 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:57,200 Speaker 1: with I think every single partner that I've ever had, 49 00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:00,680 Speaker 1: even if I wasn't the one who brought it up. 50 00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:04,280 Speaker 1: It's just become such a quintessential part of beginning a 51 00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:08,360 Speaker 1: relationship or continuing a relationship. It's this discussion around what's 52 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:12,239 Speaker 1: your love language? How do you want me to show love? Now? 53 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:14,840 Speaker 1: Acknowledging that it has become such a huge part of 54 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:19,320 Speaker 1: relationship jargon these days, is it even real? Our love 55 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,840 Speaker 1: language is real? Is there any science to it at all? 56 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,880 Speaker 1: Or is it just this like weird, murky pseudoscience slash 57 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:31,200 Speaker 1: like BuzzFeed esque quiz. I think there is a huge 58 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:33,760 Speaker 1: trend these days with a lot of these personality quizzes 59 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:36,080 Speaker 1: and judgments that attempt to tell you things about yourself, 60 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:40,400 Speaker 1: and there's really no kind of indicator of whether they're accurate, 61 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:43,280 Speaker 1: but we put a lot of merit in them at times. 62 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:46,760 Speaker 1: So how much method is there to the madness of 63 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:50,400 Speaker 1: the five love language quiz? Can you truly believe it? 64 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:53,440 Speaker 1: If you go into your relationship having done the quiz 65 00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:55,680 Speaker 1: knowing what you know about yourself, is it actually going 66 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:58,760 Speaker 1: to make you happier? So we're going to unpack all 67 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:01,800 Speaker 1: of that and more in this episode, So stay tuned. 68 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:09,160 Speaker 1: So if you're one of the few people who hasn't 69 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:12,800 Speaker 1: heard of love languages, here's a simple rundown. So the 70 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:16,440 Speaker 1: five love languages are these different ways of expressing and 71 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:22,480 Speaker 1: receiving love. They are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, 72 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:27,000 Speaker 1: acts of service, and physical touch. The premise is this, 73 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:32,800 Speaker 1: not everyone communicates love in the same way, and likewise 74 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,920 Speaker 1: people have different ways that they prefer to receive love. 75 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:39,320 Speaker 1: And the concept of love languages it was developed by 76 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:42,160 Speaker 1: this man. His name was Gary Chapman, and he wrote 77 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:44,680 Speaker 1: a book about it. His book was The Five Love 78 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:48,839 Speaker 1: Languages The Secret to Love That lass and in this book, 79 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:53,679 Speaker 1: which has become quite famous, he describes these five unique 80 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:57,800 Speaker 1: styles of communicating love categories that he's kind of distilled 81 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,960 Speaker 1: from his experience as a marriage counselor a bit of 82 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:04,640 Speaker 1: background on Gary Chapman. He's actually incredibly well known in 83 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:09,000 Speaker 1: social psychology. He runs an institute in the United States 84 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:12,320 Speaker 1: and they do heaps of pretty groundbreaking work or just 85 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:18,600 Speaker 1: interesting work on relationships and communication styles. And he a 86 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,280 Speaker 1: kind of a side note, but he did this amazing experiment, 87 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:24,520 Speaker 1: I think ten years ago where he was able to 88 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:27,880 Speaker 1: predict out of a hundred couples which ones would last 89 00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:31,040 Speaker 1: and which ones would with like a ninety five percent accuracy, 90 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:35,920 Speaker 1: all based on how they communicate their communication styles, which 91 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:37,960 Speaker 1: is kind of different to the five love languages, but 92 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:42,039 Speaker 1: it was incorporated at times. So what he says is 93 00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:46,200 Speaker 1: that we probably all relate to these love languages. Everyone 94 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:49,560 Speaker 1: loves receiving gifts, everyone loves words of affirmation at different times, 95 00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:53,160 Speaker 1: but there's definitely one that will speak to you the most, 96 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:56,839 Speaker 1: and discovering you and your partner's primary love language and 97 00:05:56,920 --> 00:06:01,159 Speaker 1: speaking that language regularly may help a better understanding of 98 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:04,560 Speaker 1: each other's needs and kind of support each other's growth 99 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:09,279 Speaker 1: in your relationship, whatever the parameters of that. Maybe. So 100 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,400 Speaker 1: here's a bit of a deeper overview of what each 101 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:14,120 Speaker 1: of them is acknowledging before we dive in that not 102 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:17,800 Speaker 1: one single love language is better than another, nor are 103 00:06:17,839 --> 00:06:20,880 Speaker 1: we kind of just limited to one way of expressing 104 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:23,400 Speaker 1: love to others. You can feel an attachment to all 105 00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:25,840 Speaker 1: of these if you're listening to them or hearing about 106 00:06:25,839 --> 00:06:27,320 Speaker 1: them for the first time and you're like, well, I 107 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:30,000 Speaker 1: don't really think one of them represents me. That's kind 108 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:33,720 Speaker 1: of the whole point. Everyone likes each of these probably 109 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:36,479 Speaker 1: a little bit. It's just about which one kind of 110 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,840 Speaker 1: stands out. So first, let we have words of affirmation. 111 00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:43,000 Speaker 1: So people with words of affirmation as a love language, 112 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:47,080 Speaker 1: they value verbal acknowledgement of affection. You know, they like 113 00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:50,320 Speaker 1: when you frequently tell them I love you. They're like compliments, 114 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:54,880 Speaker 1: words of appreciation, and verbal encouragement. And in the modern age, 115 00:06:55,480 --> 00:07:00,640 Speaker 1: these people often probably really enjoy frequent digital communication, texting 116 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:05,520 Speaker 1: and social media engagement, and written and spoken efforts of 117 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:10,040 Speaker 1: affection matter the most to these people above other things. 118 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:13,400 Speaker 1: You would rather receive a heartfelt message or a compliment 119 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:16,800 Speaker 1: from someone you love than maybe a gift or a hug. 120 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,640 Speaker 1: So the second one is quality time. So people whose 121 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:24,360 Speaker 1: love language is quality time, they feel the most adored 122 00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:28,040 Speaker 1: when their partner actively wants to spend time with them, 123 00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:30,160 Speaker 1: and it's kind of always down to like hang out 124 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:34,760 Speaker 1: or do things they particularly love when their partner or 125 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:38,680 Speaker 1: the person they're with is actively listening, making eye contact 126 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:42,920 Speaker 1: and their full presence is kind of in that moment. 127 00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:46,280 Speaker 1: They like date nights, they're like doing things together. This 128 00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:49,960 Speaker 1: love language, it's all about giving your undivided attention to 129 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:53,600 Speaker 1: that kind of special person without the distraction of your 130 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:57,800 Speaker 1: phone or another kind of stimuli or something else in 131 00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:01,000 Speaker 1: the background, no interference. And these people they have a 132 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:04,280 Speaker 1: strong desire to actively spend time with their significant other, 133 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:09,120 Speaker 1: have those meaningful conversations and share in hobbies and activities. 134 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:15,280 Speaker 1: Next up, acts of service kind of like all of them. 135 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:17,960 Speaker 1: Like the title, you can kind of gather a lot 136 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,280 Speaker 1: from that. But if your love language is acts of service, 137 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:22,960 Speaker 1: you really value on your partner goes out of their 138 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:26,920 Speaker 1: way to make your life easier. It's things like, I 139 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,480 Speaker 1: don't know, bringing you like panadol when you're sick, making 140 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:32,480 Speaker 1: you coffee in the morning, picking up your dry cleaning, 141 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:35,680 Speaker 1: making the bed for you when you've had a busy 142 00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:39,400 Speaker 1: day at work, doing the laundry. Simple acts that would 143 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:42,240 Speaker 1: maybe take time out of your day and they decide 144 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:44,400 Speaker 1: to kind of take it on for you. So this 145 00:08:44,559 --> 00:08:47,080 Speaker 1: love language is for people who believe that I guess 146 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:50,679 Speaker 1: actions speak louder than words, unlike those who prefer to 147 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:53,080 Speaker 1: hear about how much they're cared for, as with words 148 00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:56,880 Speaker 1: of affirmation. People who fit into the acts of service category, 149 00:08:56,920 --> 00:09:00,400 Speaker 1: they like to be shown that they're appreciated. Doing this 150 00:09:00,559 --> 00:09:03,280 Speaker 1: small or bigger chores to make their lives easier or 151 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:08,120 Speaker 1: more comfortable is pretty highly cherished by these people. Okay, 152 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:12,079 Speaker 1: gifts perhaps the most controversial. I want to say, don't 153 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:16,360 Speaker 1: mistake this love language for materialism. The receiver of the gifts, 154 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:21,160 Speaker 1: it's not that you spent money, it's that there's thoughtfulness 155 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:24,280 Speaker 1: and effort behind the gift. And it's pretty straightforward. You 156 00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:27,280 Speaker 1: feel loved when people give you visual symbols of love. 157 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:30,680 Speaker 1: As Chapman calls it, It's not about the monetary value. 158 00:09:30,679 --> 00:09:33,440 Speaker 1: Like I said, it's not about receiving diamonds or a car, 159 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:37,400 Speaker 1: but it's the symbolic thought behind the gift. And people 160 00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:40,600 Speaker 1: with this style recognize and value the gift giving process, 161 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:45,239 Speaker 1: the careful reflection, you deliberately choosing an object that represents 162 00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:49,760 Speaker 1: the relationship and kind of the emotional benefits from receiving 163 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:53,600 Speaker 1: the present. So people whose love language is receiving gifts, 164 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,920 Speaker 1: they enjoy being gifted something that is both physical but 165 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:59,559 Speaker 1: also meaningful. And for me, gift giving is the love 166 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,960 Speaker 1: language I like to show. I don't so much like 167 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:06,360 Speaker 1: receiving gifts, but for me, like if I love someone, 168 00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:11,000 Speaker 1: it's kind of it's really meaningful to give them something 169 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:14,800 Speaker 1: that shows that in like a physical form. So finally, 170 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:18,040 Speaker 1: the fifth love language is physical touch. So people with 171 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:21,240 Speaker 1: physical touch as their love language, they feel loved when 172 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:26,640 Speaker 1: they receive physical signs of affection kissing, holding hands, cuddling 173 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:30,080 Speaker 1: on the couch, and of course sex. Physical intimacy and 174 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:33,560 Speaker 1: touch can be incredibly affirming and they really serve as 175 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:37,280 Speaker 1: quite a powerful, emotional, soulful connector for people with this 176 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:41,480 Speaker 1: love language. And there's this theory give it as much 177 00:10:41,559 --> 00:10:43,440 Speaker 1: thought as you want, as much weight as you want. 178 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:46,560 Speaker 1: But there's a theory that the roots of physical touch 179 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:50,480 Speaker 1: go back to childhood. Some people only felt a deep 180 00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:54,120 Speaker 1: connection and love by their parents when they were held, kissed, 181 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:58,240 Speaker 1: and touched, and in adulthood that might manifest in physical 182 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:02,680 Speaker 1: touch being their primary love language. People who communicate their 183 00:11:02,679 --> 00:11:06,679 Speaker 1: appreciation through this language when they consent to it, feel 184 00:11:06,679 --> 00:11:10,320 Speaker 1: appreciated when you hold them, when you cuddle them, when 185 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:13,480 Speaker 1: you love them through warmth and comfort and physical touch. 186 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:18,000 Speaker 1: So these are all pretty typical forms of expressing love. 187 00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:20,079 Speaker 1: I think we're all fairly familiar with them, and I'm 188 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:23,040 Speaker 1: sure we've all experienced them. I'm hoping there aren't really 189 00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:25,840 Speaker 1: any surprises here, though I'm sure you can maybe see 190 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:29,880 Speaker 1: perhaps some love languages that may be missing. But one 191 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:32,000 Speaker 1: of them that I talked about with someone once was 192 00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:33,920 Speaker 1: like cooking for someone. It's not so much like the 193 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:37,000 Speaker 1: act of service, and it's not gift giving. It's something 194 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,800 Speaker 1: in between. And we're going to get further into this 195 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:42,640 Speaker 1: later for sure, because that's a big argument against the 196 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:45,600 Speaker 1: use of the love language quiz or distinction. It's that 197 00:11:45,679 --> 00:11:47,840 Speaker 1: it doesn't really capture everyone, and love is a lot 198 00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:52,120 Speaker 1: more nuanced than kind of a five point categorical scale. 199 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:55,720 Speaker 1: But before we kind of dig into the controversy, I 200 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:59,520 Speaker 1: want to discuss the quiz, the quiz that is most 201 00:11:59,559 --> 00:12:03,520 Speaker 1: typically used to discover your love language. So the creator 202 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:07,920 Speaker 1: Chapman we've mentioned talked about him. He developed this kind 203 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:11,440 Speaker 1: of test based on his interactions with thousands and I 204 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:14,559 Speaker 1: mean thousands of couples in one on one therapy sessions 205 00:12:14,559 --> 00:12:16,840 Speaker 1: and interviews. There's a TV series about this if you 206 00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:21,200 Speaker 1: want to know more. Essentially, but through this experience with 207 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:23,920 Speaker 1: his clients, I'm just going to note here the majority 208 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:27,719 Speaker 1: of them were heterosexual and monogamous. But through his experiences 209 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:31,240 Speaker 1: talking with them, he determined that not only are there 210 00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:35,800 Speaker 1: five very distinct ways of showing and receiving love, but 211 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:40,520 Speaker 1: we can clinically discern which one suits a person best 212 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:44,160 Speaker 1: by asking them to rate some fairly simple statements and 213 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:47,520 Speaker 1: just to say which they would prefer. So, for example, 214 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,480 Speaker 1: one of the questions or statements might begin with this, 215 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:54,800 Speaker 1: so it's more meaningful when a I receive a loving 216 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,320 Speaker 1: note from my loved one, or be my partner and 217 00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,760 Speaker 1: I hug so with the first option that of represents 218 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:04,800 Speaker 1: words of affirmation and the second being physical touch. This 219 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,160 Speaker 1: goes on for a while. I don't know how many 220 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:10,440 Speaker 1: there are, I'm guessing probably over twenty, and at the 221 00:13:10,559 --> 00:13:13,320 Speaker 1: end you get a percentage for each of the five 222 00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:16,960 Speaker 1: languages that tells you which you would like to receive, 223 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:20,120 Speaker 1: and the percentages add up to a hundred meaning there's 224 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:22,319 Speaker 1: room for all of them in your final result. It's 225 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:24,800 Speaker 1: very rare that you'll get one hundred percent just for one. 226 00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:30,280 Speaker 1: Actually it's impossible. It's not rare. It's impossible. You're definitely 227 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:34,840 Speaker 1: you're definitely going to perhaps have two or three that 228 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,880 Speaker 1: really are quite significant, and sometimes they're pretty close. So 229 00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:41,199 Speaker 1: for example, for me, my lowest love languages are quality 230 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,840 Speaker 1: time and words of affirmation, and they're both around twelve percent. 231 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:47,560 Speaker 1: If you haven't done it before, take five minutes. Now 232 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,319 Speaker 1: pause the podcast. I promise I'm not saying anything not 233 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:54,080 Speaker 1: interesting and completely quids. Just google five love languages. It's free, 234 00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:57,679 Speaker 1: It's completely free, and answer intuitively. Don't think too much 235 00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:00,760 Speaker 1: into it. That's how you'll get the most antique answer. 236 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:03,640 Speaker 1: But hold off reading too much into it right away, 237 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:06,520 Speaker 1: wait till the end of the episode. Then consider how 238 00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:08,480 Speaker 1: much weight you want to give this. What's the merit 239 00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:16,720 Speaker 1: you'd like to give this tool? A big question I 240 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:19,440 Speaker 1: kind of always wondered, maybe you're wondering it as well, 241 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:23,280 Speaker 1: is what is the most common love language? The founder 242 00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:25,880 Speaker 1: of the quiz, he analyzed the results of I think 243 00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:28,160 Speaker 1: over ten thousand people who took the quiz in two 244 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:31,520 Speaker 1: and ten, and he found that words of affirmation was 245 00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:36,840 Speaker 1: the most popular language, but by really thin margin. And 246 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:39,920 Speaker 1: in two eighteen, the dating app Hinge, Yes, that's right, 247 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:44,040 Speaker 1: Hinge analyzed their app and found the most common love 248 00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:47,880 Speaker 1: language was quality time by far, So there's been the 249 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:51,000 Speaker 1: shift in the last eight years. Between two and ten 250 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:54,400 Speaker 1: and two eighteen, Chapman found it was words of affirmation, 251 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:57,680 Speaker 1: and then when Hinge did it quality time, I think 252 00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:00,800 Speaker 1: it was like two hundred percent higher the second option, 253 00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:03,920 Speaker 1: which was actually words of affirmation, but by a long shot. 254 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:06,080 Speaker 1: And when I read this, I kind of found it 255 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:08,440 Speaker 1: equally parts funny and a little bit sad because these 256 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:11,600 Speaker 1: are my lowest by far, but also it's not something 257 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:14,240 Speaker 1: you can really change, and it's still possible to access 258 00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:17,200 Speaker 1: those areas of expressing love, even if they are the 259 00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:21,600 Speaker 1: most prominent or not the most prominent. Sorry, even if 260 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:24,200 Speaker 1: they're not the most prominent. Yeah, there we go. So 261 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:26,800 Speaker 1: diving further into this data collected by Hinge because I 262 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:31,440 Speaker 1: find this really fascinating, like a dating app doing psychological research. 263 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:35,320 Speaker 1: But they also assessed the differences in love languages between 264 00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:38,640 Speaker 1: men and women using the app. So whilst quality time 265 00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:42,320 Speaker 1: was the most common love language. Overall, there was some 266 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:45,760 Speaker 1: discrepancies between men and women and how they looked at 267 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:49,840 Speaker 1: the other love languages. So for men, have a guess 268 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:54,880 Speaker 1: which is the most second most important, it was physical touch, 269 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,440 Speaker 1: but for women it was words of affirmation, and that 270 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:02,560 Speaker 1: was pretty comfortably ahead the third option. Another thing they 271 00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:04,960 Speaker 1: found which I'm really not quite sure what to read 272 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:07,560 Speaker 1: into this, Like I read it and I tried to 273 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:10,280 Speaker 1: find an explanation as to why this might be the case, 274 00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:15,880 Speaker 1: but it's just probably a coincidence. But women who answered 275 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:18,280 Speaker 1: that acts of service was their love language of choice 276 00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:23,200 Speaker 1: received seven times more likes than other women when you like, 277 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:26,560 Speaker 1: held everything else constant, really random, And it wasn't like 278 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:29,000 Speaker 1: they were putting this in their bio. It's like they 279 00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:31,400 Speaker 1: used the app for a couple of months and then 280 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:33,920 Speaker 1: they were asked to take the love language quiz, and 281 00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:36,440 Speaker 1: that's like, I'm just going to repeat that again. Women 282 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:38,680 Speaker 1: who answered acts of service for their love language of 283 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:43,240 Speaker 1: choice seven times more likes than other women. But I 284 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:46,680 Speaker 1: also personally think it depends a lot on gender, culture, 285 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:51,160 Speaker 1: customs values. So certain love languages, which are pretty prevalent 286 00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:54,320 Speaker 1: in the West, might be less common in non Western cultures. So, 287 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:58,720 Speaker 1: for example, in South Asian cultures, directly praising someone is 288 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:03,360 Speaker 1: very uncomfortable and might not be well received. Instead, I 289 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:05,800 Speaker 1: read this article and it said that praising that person 290 00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:09,000 Speaker 1: to a third party is more highly valuabled when they 291 00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:11,720 Speaker 1: hear about what you said about them through the grapevine 292 00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:15,719 Speaker 1: or through another person. Also, public displays of affection between 293 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,359 Speaker 1: romantic partners it might also be less accepted, whereas in 294 00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:22,240 Speaker 1: Western cultures that kind of level of PDA it's much 295 00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:25,080 Speaker 1: more accepted. I'm not really sure why. I'm not going 296 00:17:25,119 --> 00:17:26,760 Speaker 1: to read too much into it, but it's just some 297 00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:30,400 Speaker 1: findings and some kind of observations that some people have had. 298 00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:34,760 Speaker 1: But love language they aren't just reserved for your romantic relationships. 299 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:37,920 Speaker 1: They can also be really important in other close loving 300 00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:42,560 Speaker 1: relationships we have with our friends and our family. It 301 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:46,639 Speaker 1: can be really difficult and frustrating when we don't feel understood, 302 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:50,080 Speaker 1: regardless of the contexts, and that's the gap that love 303 00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:54,359 Speaker 1: languages help bridge. By understanding how we feel seen and appreciated, 304 00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:58,800 Speaker 1: and when we're able to accurately communicate that, we reduce 305 00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:01,480 Speaker 1: the friction that comes from don't feel understood by those 306 00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:05,080 Speaker 1: who are closest to us. However, as popular as the 307 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:09,040 Speaker 1: concept is, many many people have since pointed out some 308 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:13,800 Speaker 1: problems with Chapman's idea of just five love languages. Some 309 00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:17,359 Speaker 1: people can maybe use this quiz this theory as a 310 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:20,160 Speaker 1: sort of personality test, despite the fact that the founder 311 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,760 Speaker 1: his whole point is that we're supposed to adapt ourselves 312 00:18:24,359 --> 00:18:27,560 Speaker 1: to our partner's love language, not demand that they use ours. 313 00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:31,560 Speaker 1: And when partners use the concept of love languages only 314 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:35,320 Speaker 1: as a way to talk about how they themselves instinctively 315 00:18:35,359 --> 00:18:39,960 Speaker 1: express affection or what makes them personally feel loved, Chapman 316 00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:45,119 Speaker 1: noted the idea can actually actively cause trouble in relationships. 317 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,920 Speaker 1: There's also this idea of people are very different. There's 318 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:52,800 Speaker 1: some people who are survivors of combat or sexual abuse, trauma, 319 00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:55,960 Speaker 1: or people with autism spectrum disorders, for example. They're not 320 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,439 Speaker 1: going to respond well to partners who just insist on 321 00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:02,920 Speaker 1: physical touch, as that's probably not what they want to do. 322 00:19:04,359 --> 00:19:06,520 Speaker 1: And that's like kind of what Chapman was saying this 323 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:09,239 Speaker 1: whole time. It's not about demanding your love language, it's 324 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:12,960 Speaker 1: about adapting to the other persons. So do our love 325 00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:17,679 Speaker 1: languages have to align for a relationship relationship to be 326 00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:20,160 Speaker 1: successful or long term. Well, that's the question that's been 327 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:24,960 Speaker 1: asked quite a lot as well. And recent research revealed 328 00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:28,600 Speaker 1: that couples who share the same love languages or their 329 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:30,960 Speaker 1: love languages are aligned and they're on the same wavelength, 330 00:19:31,359 --> 00:19:33,520 Speaker 1: it doesn't exactly mean that they're going to have a 331 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:36,320 Speaker 1: more successful and happy relationship. It's not like the big 332 00:19:36,359 --> 00:19:40,160 Speaker 1: secret here, it's not the antidote. It's just a component. 333 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:43,159 Speaker 1: Couples who shared the same love language, they just they 334 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:46,040 Speaker 1: weren't happier than couples who are differing styles. And that 335 00:19:46,119 --> 00:19:50,120 Speaker 1: kind of suggests that mastering fluency over the love language 336 00:19:50,119 --> 00:19:53,240 Speaker 1: system and adapting it based on what your partner needs 337 00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:55,840 Speaker 1: in the moment is a lot more valuable than solely 338 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:59,000 Speaker 1: relying on a dominant love language type, which is what 339 00:19:59,119 --> 00:20:01,440 Speaker 1: people who share the same love language would be doing. 340 00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:05,640 Speaker 1: I think that kind of promotes codependency and it prevents 341 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:10,040 Speaker 1: partners from developing autonomy and authenticity. And you know, a 342 00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:12,640 Speaker 1: relationship is a place for transformation and growth, and when 343 00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:16,000 Speaker 1: we limit each other with a specific love language, we 344 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:19,040 Speaker 1: don't really allow room for change. And then if you 345 00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,080 Speaker 1: also think about this, there might be times when you're 346 00:20:21,119 --> 00:20:23,960 Speaker 1: just really busy, and if your partner's love language and 347 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,600 Speaker 1: your love language as acts of service and they're also busy, 348 00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:29,560 Speaker 1: the whole thing kind of falls apart because neither of 349 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:33,800 Speaker 1: you can show love in that typical way. The broad concepts, 350 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:37,160 Speaker 1: when we lean on its practical simplicity, can also feel 351 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:40,439 Speaker 1: think a little bit too simplistic, since it is not 352 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:46,880 Speaker 1: completely inclusive of sexuality and culture trauma and generational differences. 353 00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:50,480 Speaker 1: In many nuanced multicultural communities, there needs to be on 354 00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:55,440 Speaker 1: an understanding that human relationships are a pretty complicated reflection 355 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:58,320 Speaker 1: of a lot of things, of childhood, wounds of attachment, 356 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:02,399 Speaker 1: of things that happened in the past. And I think 357 00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:04,520 Speaker 1: it's only when you really are able to overcome that 358 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:07,159 Speaker 1: and kind of heal those ruins of past relationships and 359 00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:11,560 Speaker 1: family and develop a healthy attachment style that love languages 360 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:14,280 Speaker 1: can become something that's prominent in how you treat others. 361 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:16,280 Speaker 1: And it might even be the case that your love 362 00:21:16,359 --> 00:21:21,320 Speaker 1: language really significantly changes. Here's the other issue that we've mentioned, 363 00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:23,080 Speaker 1: but I want to expand on it a bit further. 364 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:27,919 Speaker 1: It's this narrow idea that there are only five love languages, 365 00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:32,000 Speaker 1: when there has been an abundance of further research that's 366 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:36,280 Speaker 1: shown there's so many more, and these will all very slightly, 367 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:40,240 Speaker 1: like we've said, with different cultures and demographics. So one 368 00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:43,520 Speaker 1: research or in particular, she set out to modify the 369 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:47,080 Speaker 1: love languages that were initially created or listed by Chapman. 370 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:50,000 Speaker 1: This is what you have to say. So she saw 371 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:54,639 Speaker 1: from the data that as gender norms in particular have changed, 372 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:59,520 Speaker 1: the expectations we have for our romantic relationships have become 373 00:22:00,359 --> 00:22:04,879 Speaker 1: very different from the late eighties. For heterosexual couples in particular, 374 00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:08,760 Speaker 1: the division of labor across gender lines is no longer 375 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:13,000 Speaker 1: kind of neatly circumscribed, leading to kind of an expansion 376 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:16,800 Speaker 1: of what we expect from our partners. Let's dive into 377 00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:20,239 Speaker 1: this further. So, as an example, in Chapman's book, he 378 00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:25,800 Speaker 1: consistently frames kind of a man doing housework as helping 379 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:29,240 Speaker 1: his wife out. He kind of suggests that that is 380 00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:32,240 Speaker 1: an act of service. Doing an equal part of housework 381 00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:35,080 Speaker 1: is an act of service. Not to mention, there is 382 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:39,919 Speaker 1: multiple anecdotes in his book from husbands who have you 383 00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:43,320 Speaker 1: succeeded and they bring round a paycheck, they do the dishes, 384 00:22:43,359 --> 00:22:45,960 Speaker 1: and they're baffled when their partners want them to do more. 385 00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:50,600 Speaker 1: While these attitudes you know of this gender division of 386 00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:55,040 Speaker 1: labor and financial means aren't totally behind us. I think 387 00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:59,840 Speaker 1: the error when you know this is the error, I guess. 388 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:03,119 Speaker 1: And most women earn as much or sometimes more than 389 00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:07,000 Speaker 1: their male partners, and most couples expect to bring more 390 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,719 Speaker 1: of themselves to a partnership. And also there is no 391 00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:14,400 Speaker 1: longer this traditional idea that women do the housework. Men 392 00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:16,800 Speaker 1: bring from the money. And when men do the housework, 393 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:19,840 Speaker 1: it's an act of service. It's just expected. Now. If 394 00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:21,639 Speaker 1: a man was like to me, oh, I did the dishes, 395 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:25,000 Speaker 1: and you know that's how I showed my love for you, 396 00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:27,560 Speaker 1: I'd be like, no, that's just we both ate the 397 00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:30,400 Speaker 1: same meal, Like, of course you're gonna do the fucking 398 00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:33,440 Speaker 1: dishes if I cook. It's just splitting labor. Evenly, it's 399 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:38,040 Speaker 1: not love. So because of this woman's kind of observations, 400 00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:41,480 Speaker 1: she's created a new set of love languages. There's not five, 401 00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:44,199 Speaker 1: there's seven this time. Here's what they are. So the 402 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:47,439 Speaker 1: first is activity. So these people feel special, special and 403 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:50,480 Speaker 1: valued when their partner actually takes an interest in their 404 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:54,400 Speaker 1: hobbies and their activities, even more so, those who resonate 405 00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:57,919 Speaker 1: most with the activity love language. They feel especially valued 406 00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:00,520 Speaker 1: when their partner makes an effort to enjoy these hobbies 407 00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:03,920 Speaker 1: and interest with them. You know, like I always found 408 00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:06,720 Speaker 1: it so meaningful with friends, because, as we've said, it's 409 00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:10,000 Speaker 1: not just romantic partners, but when my friends join me 410 00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:11,959 Speaker 1: in doing something that I really love, like when they 411 00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:13,840 Speaker 1: come on the podcast, or when we go to an 412 00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:16,400 Speaker 1: art class together or we go for a hike, it's 413 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:21,200 Speaker 1: just so meaningful to me. The second is appreciation. So 414 00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:24,520 Speaker 1: people who feel the appreciation love language applies to most 415 00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:28,320 Speaker 1: to them will feel really loved and adored when their 416 00:24:28,359 --> 00:24:33,040 Speaker 1: partner showers them in compliments, in praises and appreciation when 417 00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:36,119 Speaker 1: they're told I love you. This is pretty similar to 418 00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:41,560 Speaker 1: words of affirmation. These people they like being told explicitly 419 00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:44,520 Speaker 1: that they're admired and loved, and this makes them feel 420 00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:48,560 Speaker 1: really understood. Here's the next one. We're two down, five 421 00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:53,080 Speaker 1: to go. Emotional emotional love language will resonate with many 422 00:24:53,119 --> 00:24:55,320 Speaker 1: of those who feel as though they can connect with 423 00:24:55,359 --> 00:24:58,679 Speaker 1: their partner and be supported even in the toughest of times. 424 00:24:59,119 --> 00:25:03,040 Speaker 1: Partners who present during the worst and best moments will 425 00:25:03,119 --> 00:25:08,119 Speaker 1: feel really valued by someone with an emotional love language financial. 426 00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:11,040 Speaker 1: This is the first one that's quite different from Chapman's 427 00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:14,280 Speaker 1: original love languages, and it's kind of been adapted because 428 00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:17,560 Speaker 1: of what we saw now as that shift in earnings, 429 00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:21,919 Speaker 1: that shift in labor. So a person who feels loved 430 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:23,880 Speaker 1: when they have a partner who is generous with their 431 00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:26,879 Speaker 1: money and sees the value in giving is someone with 432 00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:30,600 Speaker 1: a financial love language. This doesn't have to come from gifts. 433 00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:33,160 Speaker 1: It might be that you pay for dinner, it might 434 00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:36,320 Speaker 1: be that you pay more of the bills. The way 435 00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:40,720 Speaker 1: these people feel valued and appreciated will mostly be through 436 00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:44,919 Speaker 1: gifts or resources. And just a reminder, they don't have 437 00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:46,919 Speaker 1: to be expensive or lavish, they just have to be 438 00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:52,119 Speaker 1: well meaning. Here's another new one, intellectual. And I really 439 00:25:52,119 --> 00:25:54,320 Speaker 1: like this love language. I think that a lot of 440 00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:56,800 Speaker 1: us can relate to it, and it was quite surprising 441 00:25:56,800 --> 00:26:00,120 Speaker 1: to me that Chapman didn't include it in his initial lifts. 442 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:03,080 Speaker 1: So people with the intellectual love language, they like to 443 00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:07,800 Speaker 1: connect through the mind. Oh my god, what's that sexuality 444 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:11,080 Speaker 1: type where you fall in love with someone's ideas and 445 00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:14,879 Speaker 1: their mind. I can't remember. Message me if you remember, 446 00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,480 Speaker 1: or I'll google it. They can find out together. But 447 00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:21,240 Speaker 1: people with intellectual love language, they feel loved when their 448 00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:24,919 Speaker 1: partner values their intelligence, When your partner wants to have 449 00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:29,000 Speaker 1: engaging conversations with you, when they respect your opinion and 450 00:26:29,119 --> 00:26:32,960 Speaker 1: they take part in kind of thoughtful discussions of important issues. 451 00:26:33,119 --> 00:26:35,600 Speaker 1: It's the person who feels loved when their partner is 452 00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:38,560 Speaker 1: willing to have a debate and disagree with them for 453 00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:44,200 Speaker 1: the sake of an intellectual conversation. Physical We've already talked 454 00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:48,000 Speaker 1: about this. It's physical touch. It's feeling adored and validated 455 00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:52,399 Speaker 1: through physical affection. It's the same as Chapman's one and 456 00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:55,119 Speaker 1: then the final and the seventh love language in this 457 00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:59,720 Speaker 1: adapted kind of model is practical. People with the practical 458 00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:02,720 Speaker 1: love language feel the most loved when their partners chip 459 00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:06,560 Speaker 1: in with their everyday duties and responsibilities. They feel cared 460 00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:08,920 Speaker 1: for when their loved ones do the chores and offer 461 00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:13,840 Speaker 1: to help. We can see that there are you know, 462 00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:15,680 Speaker 1: a lot of these are kind of similar to Chapman's 463 00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:20,040 Speaker 1: original theory. But it's that addition of these actual love languages, 464 00:27:20,119 --> 00:27:23,600 Speaker 1: intellectual and financial in particular, that I think encompasses more 465 00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:27,480 Speaker 1: people who may not previously have operated or fit into 466 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:32,320 Speaker 1: the traditional framework. By using a more updated, diverse sample 467 00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:34,919 Speaker 1: this woman, she was able to create a new system 468 00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:37,760 Speaker 1: or tool that I think is more applicable to modern 469 00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:41,320 Speaker 1: day settings and modern day relationships. And you know, since 470 00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:45,040 Speaker 1: the original five love languages were created, relationships have evolved 471 00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:48,320 Speaker 1: from you know what used to be a mostly practical 472 00:27:48,359 --> 00:27:52,360 Speaker 1: partnership based on efficient division of labor and raising children, 473 00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:57,280 Speaker 1: to a more spiritual and personal connection that we have 474 00:27:57,359 --> 00:28:00,760 Speaker 1: higher expectations for. We don't just want to come home 475 00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:02,840 Speaker 1: to someone who will bring home a paycheck or help 476 00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:05,240 Speaker 1: us with chores. We want this person to help us 477 00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:08,760 Speaker 1: kind of achieve our best selves. And there are also 478 00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:13,600 Speaker 1: more accepted types of relationships now, like open relationships or polyamory, 479 00:28:14,119 --> 00:28:18,680 Speaker 1: in which aspects like financial and intellectual love might be 480 00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:22,280 Speaker 1: more central. You know, yeah, I don't really know how 481 00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:24,520 Speaker 1: to explain this, but it kind of made sense to me, 482 00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:29,399 Speaker 1: especially that financial and those financial and intellectual components. You 483 00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:32,720 Speaker 1: might be able to get words of affirmation and physical 484 00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:36,119 Speaker 1: touch from someone else, but the person waiting for you 485 00:28:36,119 --> 00:28:38,920 Speaker 1: at home might be the person you really relate to intellectually, 486 00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:42,200 Speaker 1: and too, you have kind of a financial promise too, 487 00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:44,240 Speaker 1: and that is love that is a form of love. 488 00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:48,520 Speaker 1: I think in general, it's also important to note that 489 00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:50,960 Speaker 1: you shouldn't just use love languages as kind of a 490 00:28:51,040 --> 00:28:55,200 Speaker 1: universal solve to like remedy issues. It's clear that we 491 00:28:55,280 --> 00:29:00,240 Speaker 1: do need more of a skill set than those, you know, 492 00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:05,440 Speaker 1: than just five ways, five tools, maybe even seven to 493 00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:08,360 Speaker 1: face the problems that may exist below the surface of 494 00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:12,959 Speaker 1: our relationship, you know, maybe going to therapy, working on yourself, 495 00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:16,160 Speaker 1: fixing your own problems. That's also a form of love 496 00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:19,200 Speaker 1: that doesn't really fit into any of the ones that 497 00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:22,719 Speaker 1: we've talked about. When we use a quiz on the 498 00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:25,280 Speaker 1: internet to tell us something definitive about ourselves, it's not 499 00:29:25,280 --> 00:29:27,240 Speaker 1: always going to be one hundred percent accurate. I don't 500 00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:29,080 Speaker 1: need to tell you that, and I don't think it 501 00:29:29,080 --> 00:29:31,960 Speaker 1: should be taken entirely literally as well. And that's kind 502 00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:35,600 Speaker 1: of Chapman's main's point. In doing so, you kind of 503 00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:39,000 Speaker 1: detract from his true intentions. And his intention was to 504 00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:45,240 Speaker 1: create a tool, an informational tool to help partners communicate 505 00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:48,960 Speaker 1: and understand each other better, rather than kind of narrow 506 00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:53,440 Speaker 1: the ways in which they show that they care. That's 507 00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:55,480 Speaker 1: kind of the end of what we have today. A 508 00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:59,240 Speaker 1: shorter episode, but short and sweet, and it was really 509 00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:03,280 Speaker 1: interesting looking into this. I found it, you know, quite insightful, 510 00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:07,440 Speaker 1: especially now you know that I'm not dating anyone or 511 00:30:07,440 --> 00:30:10,360 Speaker 1: anything like that. I was doing the love language quiz 512 00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:13,560 Speaker 1: and I realized that since the last time I did it, 513 00:30:13,560 --> 00:30:16,120 Speaker 1: which was when I was last in a relationship, it's 514 00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:20,160 Speaker 1: changed so much. Like I realize, I think my love 515 00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:23,680 Speaker 1: languages had kind of adapted to the other person, and 516 00:30:23,920 --> 00:30:26,360 Speaker 1: now that I'm able to refocus on myself, I kind 517 00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:28,200 Speaker 1: of realized that some of the things that they were 518 00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:31,880 Speaker 1: giving to me perhaps weren't actually what I wanted. So 519 00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:34,560 Speaker 1: it's interesting to do that now versus when I'm in 520 00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:37,160 Speaker 1: a relationship. And if you haven't done it, you should 521 00:30:37,200 --> 00:30:39,560 Speaker 1: do it. It's if you're not dating someone, you should 522 00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:42,120 Speaker 1: still do it. It's like I said, great for relating 523 00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:44,760 Speaker 1: to your family, great for relating to your friends as well. 524 00:30:46,120 --> 00:30:48,320 Speaker 1: Like I know, for me personally, I love giving my 525 00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:50,400 Speaker 1: friends gifts, but I feel weird when they give them 526 00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:53,680 Speaker 1: to me, and I would much rather, you know, quality 527 00:30:53,680 --> 00:30:56,040 Speaker 1: time or like a frequent message or something like that 528 00:30:56,560 --> 00:31:00,160 Speaker 1: then acts than an act of service or something. It's 529 00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:03,600 Speaker 1: good to kind of understand that about your friendships and 530 00:31:03,640 --> 00:31:06,680 Speaker 1: your family. Those relationships are also important. It's not just 531 00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:10,520 Speaker 1: your romantic partner that should be the most prominent. But 532 00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:13,959 Speaker 1: thank you again for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode. 533 00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:17,680 Speaker 1: I'm going to do my basic spiel now, you know, 534 00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:21,080 Speaker 1: saying all the things I usually say blah blah blah. 535 00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:23,920 Speaker 1: If you'd like to review this podcast on Apple podcast 536 00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:28,640 Speaker 1: on Spotify, I would greatly appreciate it. No one, all seriousness. 537 00:31:28,640 --> 00:31:32,239 Speaker 1: It really does help the podcast grow, and it's just 538 00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:34,360 Speaker 1: me doing this. It takes a while to write these episodes. 539 00:31:34,360 --> 00:31:36,640 Speaker 1: It only takes like four hours to make one, and 540 00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:38,440 Speaker 1: it's all kind of worth it when I get a 541 00:31:38,560 --> 00:31:41,200 Speaker 1: nice review or something like that. So if you are 542 00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:43,920 Speaker 1: getting something out of this, I would really appreciate it, 543 00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:47,080 Speaker 1: and make sure to follow. I always say us, but 544 00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:52,200 Speaker 1: it is just me on Instagram on Facebook, although I 545 00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:54,840 Speaker 1: don't really use it. But if you feel the need 546 00:31:56,320 --> 00:32:00,000 Speaker 1: and subscribe, there we go. There's my three list of demands. 547 00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:03,000 Speaker 1: Thank you and tune in. Next week. We're going to 548 00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:07,440 Speaker 1: talk about situation ships. Boy or boy. I was in 549 00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:11,840 Speaker 1: a situations situationship for seven months this year and last year, 550 00:32:12,080 --> 00:32:15,200 Speaker 1: and let me tell you that fucked me up, so 551 00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:19,320 Speaker 1: I have so much to talk about. I've been researching 552 00:32:19,320 --> 00:32:22,200 Speaker 1: my little butt off to get some good content into 553 00:32:22,240 --> 00:32:26,000 Speaker 1: the years of all thou who are listening, So tune 554 00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:29,120 Speaker 1: in for that and have a lovely, lovely week. Thank you.