WEBVTT - Positively Gam: How to Create Healthy Boundaries w/ Nedra Glover Tawwab 0:00:06.040 --> 0:00:09.840 What's up everybody. I'm Gammy and I'm her husband, Rodney, 0:00:10.240 --> 0:00:13.360 and this is positively gam How are you doing, Babe? 0:00:13.760 --> 0:00:17.000 Doing good? A little cold here though, Yeah, see you 0:00:17.040 --> 0:00:20.880 should be out here with me and our new addition 0:00:21.600 --> 0:00:26.880 to the family, Duchess. Duchess is giving me hell as 0:00:26.880 --> 0:00:30.720 all I can say for the listeners. Rodney and I 0:00:31.000 --> 0:00:35.040 have a new addition to our family. We got a puppy. 0:00:35.120 --> 0:00:38.520 I had a Chihuahua that we had that I had 0:00:38.560 --> 0:00:44.879 for fourteen years, and Busy passed in October, and I 0:00:45.000 --> 0:00:48.040 have been you know, I just I had to like 0:00:48.159 --> 0:00:51.040 take a minute from that because I really loved Bitsy 0:00:51.120 --> 0:00:53.479 a lot. I had them for fourteen years, and I 0:00:53.600 --> 0:00:59.240 just wasn't ready to get any anything new. And then 0:00:59.280 --> 0:01:04.760 we went on a rescue website and found Duchy and 0:01:04.840 --> 0:01:08.360 so yeah, we we found Duchy on the SPC A 0:01:08.920 --> 0:01:13.800 l A website and she is a Chihuahua Terrier mix. 0:01:14.800 --> 0:01:16.640 I can look at her and see that she's gonna 0:01:16.680 --> 0:01:19.280 be bigger than Busy was. Busy was our chihuahua. But 0:01:19.360 --> 0:01:22.760 she's definitely gonna be bigger than Busy was because Busy 0:01:22.840 --> 0:01:26.920 had those little, tiny legs, those tiny delicate legs and feet. 0:01:26.959 --> 0:01:32.120 He was only like five pounds and she's definitely chunkier 0:01:32.160 --> 0:01:37.400 than that. She's almost three months old. So yeah, I'm excited. 0:01:37.480 --> 0:01:39.560 I'm excited to have her, but it is going to 0:01:39.680 --> 0:01:43.399 be challenging going back to that puppy stage of house breaking, 0:01:43.560 --> 0:01:47.400 crate training, all of that, you know, But I signed 0:01:47.440 --> 0:01:50.560 up for it. So I'm just really glad that we 0:01:50.640 --> 0:01:53.280 could find a dog that needed a home and give 0:01:53.360 --> 0:01:57.120 him one, as opposed to just getting something that everybody 0:01:57.160 --> 0:02:01.600 else wants, as opposed to taking finding something that nobody 0:02:01.680 --> 0:02:06.760 wanted and loving it. Right. Okay, so moving on, I'm 0:02:06.800 --> 0:02:11.360 so excited today we have Nedra Glover to walk her book, 0:02:11.600 --> 0:02:14.560 set boundaries and find peace. For those of you who 0:02:14.600 --> 0:02:18.320 are Red Table Talk fans, she joined us on Red 0:02:18.360 --> 0:02:21.839 Table Talk, so I am so excited to have her 0:02:21.880 --> 0:02:26.040 back on to delve a little bit deeper into boundaries 0:02:26.080 --> 0:02:28.960 setting because when I read the book for a second time, 0:02:29.200 --> 0:02:33.160 I really really there were some points that really struck 0:02:33.280 --> 0:02:36.520 me personally. So I'm excited to talk to her. How 0:02:36.520 --> 0:02:39.240 do you feel about having Nedra on? This would be 0:02:39.280 --> 0:02:41.960 your first experience. I'm excited to meet her and to 0:02:42.080 --> 0:02:45.279 hear all of her to hear her expertise on boundaries. 0:02:45.720 --> 0:02:50.000 I think that's really important in everyone's life, and you know, 0:02:50.080 --> 0:02:53.440 setting them as well as adhering to them. So I'm 0:02:53.440 --> 0:02:56.400 looking forward to it. Okay, so let's get started. Here's 0:02:56.400 --> 0:03:06.519 our interview with Nedra. We're so excited to have you, Nedra. 0:03:06.639 --> 0:03:11.600 We have Nedra Glover to wob as our guest. Ndra 0:03:11.840 --> 0:03:16.200 is a licensed therapist, sought after relationship expert, and author 0:03:16.280 --> 0:03:20.160 of Set Boundaries Fine Piece. Every day she helps people 0:03:20.200 --> 0:03:24.520 create healthy relationships by teaching them how to implement boundaries 0:03:24.919 --> 0:03:27.000 and I bet we all could use some help with that. 0:03:27.160 --> 0:03:30.919 How are you today, Nedra? I am well, how are 0:03:30.960 --> 0:03:34.480 you all? I am so excited to have you back. 0:03:34.520 --> 0:03:38.600 I know this is the first time Rodney has experienced you, 0:03:38.680 --> 0:03:41.640 but you were and the audience may not know that 0:03:41.760 --> 0:03:45.680 you were a guest on Red Table, and let me 0:03:45.760 --> 0:03:49.000 tell you that experience, it just wasn't enough for me, 0:03:49.040 --> 0:03:51.320 and I was like, I've got to have her on positively, 0:03:51.400 --> 0:03:57.280 gam reading your book is like it's like a therapy session, truly, 0:03:57.480 --> 0:04:01.000 it's it's so much helpful information in there and for 0:04:01.120 --> 0:04:05.080 me personally, So I want to ask you what drew 0:04:05.280 --> 0:04:10.360 you to therapy as a career path. I feel like 0:04:10.600 --> 0:04:15.760 I have been an easy person to talk to always, 0:04:15.760 --> 0:04:20.240 like in childhood as a teenager, I love listening to people. 0:04:20.920 --> 0:04:26.400 I've always been a student of personal development and self help, 0:04:27.279 --> 0:04:32.320 so I really naturally like to listen to people and professionally. 0:04:32.560 --> 0:04:36.160 I didn't grow up knowing any therapists. I knew about psychiatrists. 0:04:36.760 --> 0:04:39.160 I knew about a lot of other things. But when 0:04:39.200 --> 0:04:42.960 I started college and I discovered therapy, I was like, 0:04:43.040 --> 0:04:45.840 that's it. After my first client, that first session, I 0:04:45.880 --> 0:04:49.720 was like, Oh, this is it, Like this is what Yeah, 0:04:49.760 --> 0:04:52.480 this is what I like to do. Anyway. I used 0:04:52.520 --> 0:04:56.120 to get in trouble in school for you know, starting conversations, 0:04:56.160 --> 0:04:58.680 to listen and you know all that stuff. So this 0:04:58.800 --> 0:05:03.320 is very natural for me. So what made you interest 0:05:03.440 --> 0:05:08.440 in boundaries specifically as an area to like explore and 0:05:08.640 --> 0:05:12.719 expound on and study Again, I think this is something 0:05:12.800 --> 0:05:16.920 I started early. It is not what's taught to therapists. 0:05:16.920 --> 0:05:22.719 Were not taught about the importance of boundaries assertiveness. But 0:05:23.600 --> 0:05:27.680 boundaries can really break a lot of generational patterns that 0:05:27.839 --> 0:05:31.160 I saw in families. I used to be a therapist 0:05:31.440 --> 0:05:36.240 with children and foster care and their parents and so 0:05:36.279 --> 0:05:39.440 many of those stories. I was just like, well, why 0:05:39.440 --> 0:05:42.039 didn't you tell the uncle he could live here? Or 0:05:42.120 --> 0:05:44.520 why was this? You know, I just had so many 0:05:44.680 --> 0:05:47.920 questions because there was such a huge lack of boundaries 0:05:48.320 --> 0:05:50.800 that I thought, you know, I wonder if we have 0:05:51.000 --> 0:05:55.320 more information around the ability to say no to our family, 0:05:55.400 --> 0:05:58.440 ability to say no to family, friends, and all of 0:05:58.440 --> 0:06:01.479 this sort of stuff, what we be better off. But 0:06:01.560 --> 0:06:03.919 I don't think that's the thing that's taught, because we 0:06:04.000 --> 0:06:08.040 are often taught that saying no is mean, it's inappropriate, 0:06:08.680 --> 0:06:11.479 is not what we should do. That's your cousin, this 0:06:11.600 --> 0:06:16.760 is your that, And sometimes those things create bigger problems. 0:06:16.800 --> 0:06:18.960 Like I said, I was working in foster care, so 0:06:19.040 --> 0:06:23.600 some of those lack of boundaries were creating huge issue 0:06:23.800 --> 0:06:27.760 in the family. Yeah, boundaries with family and friends can 0:06:27.800 --> 0:06:31.360 be the most difficult. But I want to ask you, Rodney, 0:06:31.640 --> 0:06:35.840 how do you feel about boundaries you set in work 0:06:36.240 --> 0:06:39.480 and in your personal life. Do you think it's easier 0:06:39.520 --> 0:06:42.359 for you to set boundaries and work. I think it 0:06:42.480 --> 0:06:44.919 is easier for me to set boundaries and work. I 0:06:44.960 --> 0:06:47.880 think it's typically easy for me. Anyway. I'm sort of 0:06:47.920 --> 0:06:51.479 a private person, so I think the boundaries work in reverse. 0:06:51.560 --> 0:06:54.000 For me. I kind of don't let people in, so 0:06:54.160 --> 0:06:57.400 I may suffer in relationships as a result of that. 0:06:57.480 --> 0:07:01.320 But I'm very private. But at work, you know, I 0:07:01.920 --> 0:07:03.840 own a company. I actually we're kind of in the 0:07:03.880 --> 0:07:07.719 same area. I own a mental health agency, so we 0:07:07.839 --> 0:07:11.480 have therapists and all of those things on staff. And 0:07:12.160 --> 0:07:15.440 you know, I find that people want their needs met, 0:07:15.720 --> 0:07:21.080 whether it's clients, staff, whomever. So they'll typically if they 0:07:21.120 --> 0:07:24.800 get the wrong answer from one of their direct reports, 0:07:25.040 --> 0:07:27.880 they'll circumvent that process and try to come to me 0:07:27.960 --> 0:07:30.640 to get what it is they want. And I just 0:07:30.680 --> 0:07:33.240 think that's human nature. Most people just want, you know, 0:07:33.320 --> 0:07:37.400 to get their needs met natur. Do you think that 0:07:37.520 --> 0:07:42.720 there are certain personality types that find it more difficult 0:07:42.840 --> 0:07:48.600 to set boundaries personality types? Absolutely. I have been asked 0:07:48.720 --> 0:07:52.880 if there are certain boundary differences between men and women, 0:07:53.280 --> 0:07:57.240 and Rotten it was speaking. I was like, I hear 0:07:57.360 --> 0:08:01.400 men being more assertive, and we know that for women 0:08:01.520 --> 0:08:06.840 it could be really challenging to set boundaries in the workspace. 0:08:07.120 --> 0:08:10.320 In families, you know you'd be labeled the me auntie. 0:08:10.880 --> 0:08:14.400 You you know, you'd be labeled the mean lady at work, 0:08:14.680 --> 0:08:16.360 you know, all of this sort of stuff, and that 0:08:16.400 --> 0:08:20.040 really gets to women in a way that it just 0:08:20.200 --> 0:08:22.680 doesn't get to be and I can't even think of 0:08:22.720 --> 0:08:26.320 like parenting. You know, women feel some sort of way 0:08:26.360 --> 0:08:29.640 about denying their child to extra piece of candy. You know. 0:08:29.720 --> 0:08:33.240 The dad is just like, no, that's it, and you're like, oh, 0:08:33.280 --> 0:08:35.960 but it's just a kid cat, you know, it's just 0:08:36.160 --> 0:08:39.040 something about us. And I just be wanting to take 0:08:39.080 --> 0:08:41.120 it out and throw it away sometime, like just take 0:08:41.200 --> 0:08:52.800 this bleeding heart out, just I don't want it. So 0:08:52.920 --> 0:08:57.440 when I went over the book again, something's really stuck 0:08:57.480 --> 0:09:01.040 out to me for me personally, and I don't think 0:09:01.080 --> 0:09:06.040 that before I've read the book that I ever thought 0:09:06.160 --> 0:09:14.120 about setting boundaries on how you respond and react two 0:09:14.160 --> 0:09:18.920 things is a choice. I never thought about that in 0:09:19.040 --> 0:09:21.240 that way. And let me give you an example. This 0:09:21.320 --> 0:09:24.200 is something that Rodney and I have been dealing with 0:09:24.240 --> 0:09:27.640 in our relationship and some boundaries that he has set 0:09:27.720 --> 0:09:31.920 with me. Because when I get angry, the way I 0:09:32.000 --> 0:09:38.120 respond is to holler and cuss. So I'm going to 0:09:38.960 --> 0:09:42.520 scream at you, holler at you, and I'm probably gonna 0:09:42.559 --> 0:09:46.439 cuss you out. Rodney doesn't tolerate that, but that's when 0:09:46.480 --> 0:09:52.440 I'm used to doing. And I never realized that until 0:09:52.600 --> 0:09:55.160 I listened to your book. That is a choice that 0:09:55.240 --> 0:09:59.400 I've made to respond that way, and that I can 0:09:59.600 --> 0:10:04.120 make a choice to respond differently. And it's been a 0:10:04.160 --> 0:10:08.120 struggle for me because Rodney does not tolerate that, and 0:10:08.160 --> 0:10:11.800 so I had to find another way. But in me 0:10:11.920 --> 0:10:15.320 trying to find another way, I told him, you remember, Rodney, 0:10:15.360 --> 0:10:20.080 I said, well, you're preventing me from expressing my anger. 0:10:21.240 --> 0:10:23.960 So I feel like that's gonna be detrimental to me 0:10:24.000 --> 0:10:27.720 because now I'm gonna be have all this anger inside 0:10:27.720 --> 0:10:31.240 of me that I can't get out because you don't 0:10:31.280 --> 0:10:35.600 want me to yell at you. But that's but I'm 0:10:35.679 --> 0:10:46.000 releasing that emotion, right, That's yeah, but exactly exactly. And 0:10:46.040 --> 0:10:48.440 I had to really when I read the book, I 0:10:48.480 --> 0:10:51.120 had to really think about it because I'm like, well, 0:10:51.480 --> 0:10:55.440 I don't throw things, I don't hit him, so I'm 0:10:55.480 --> 0:10:59.319 making a choice to holler. I'm making a choice not 0:10:59.440 --> 0:11:02.880 to hit them, or not to hit anybody that I'm 0:11:02.960 --> 0:11:04.840 angry with, you know what I mean. And I never 0:11:04.880 --> 0:11:08.400 thought about it that way. Can you recommend ways for 0:11:08.480 --> 0:11:13.120 people to find ways to set boundaries on how they 0:11:13.200 --> 0:11:16.560 react and respond to things. How do you train yourself? 0:11:16.600 --> 0:11:21.880 I guess it's my question. I wonder sometimes when we 0:11:22.840 --> 0:11:27.360 respond with anger, with yelling, with hitting, with punching holes 0:11:27.400 --> 0:11:31.600 in the wall and those sort of things, how is 0:11:31.640 --> 0:11:35.320 that different from kicking our shoes off in a restaurant 0:11:35.360 --> 0:11:39.640 if we get upset? How is that different from you know, 0:11:39.840 --> 0:11:43.160 road rage? How is that different from all these things 0:11:43.160 --> 0:11:46.600 that we're actually controlling ourselves? You know, these scenarios were 0:11:46.640 --> 0:11:51.920 controlling our behavior. So why in this situation am I 0:11:52.000 --> 0:11:54.880 now making the choice with this safe person that I 0:11:55.000 --> 0:11:57.560 love to really let it out on them. If I 0:11:57.559 --> 0:12:01.200 can control myself in a restaurant, in the car when 0:12:01.200 --> 0:12:04.760 I'm talking to you know, my friend, I can control 0:12:04.840 --> 0:12:07.280 myself with this person too, And a lot of those 0:12:07.280 --> 0:12:10.000 tools are going to be the same. There's something you're 0:12:10.040 --> 0:12:14.600 telling yourself in those moments. There's another behavior you're tapping 0:12:14.720 --> 0:12:19.560 into other than cousin and screaming. So whatever you're doing 0:12:19.559 --> 0:12:23.679 in those scenarios, you can apply it here. But I 0:12:23.720 --> 0:12:28.120 think you can get your anger out by speaking about 0:12:28.200 --> 0:12:32.760 it using different words, because it's not just anger it's frustration, 0:12:33.360 --> 0:12:37.040 is feeling hurt, it's sadness. It's a lot of stuff 0:12:37.080 --> 0:12:40.120 in there. And if we say just anger, I think 0:12:40.160 --> 0:12:43.000 of anger as this emotion that's a safe and easy 0:12:43.040 --> 0:12:45.920 go to and it seems so hard core to be angry. 0:12:46.240 --> 0:12:49.360 I mean, it's just like I'm angry, and it's like, yes, 0:12:49.840 --> 0:12:53.840 but don't you want to cry to No, You're so right, 0:12:54.160 --> 0:12:56.720 so right, because that's what I'll be trying to explain 0:12:56.800 --> 0:13:00.600 to him that I'm frustrated. I have so many emotion 0:13:00.679 --> 0:13:02.640 is going on right now. I know you want to 0:13:02.679 --> 0:13:07.600 say something, Rodney. I think it's I think it's learned 0:13:07.600 --> 0:13:10.920 behavior too. I think that that is how you let 0:13:10.960 --> 0:13:13.400 me finish. I think that is how you responded in 0:13:13.480 --> 0:13:18.800 previous relationships, so when you heard similar or when you 0:13:18.960 --> 0:13:24.280 were confronted with certain conversation a lot of times. I 0:13:24.320 --> 0:13:28.480 think it was a defense mechanism as well as just 0:13:28.920 --> 0:13:32.800 this is how I respond in this situation typically, and 0:13:32.920 --> 0:13:34.960 didn't really give a lot of thought to it. It's 0:13:35.040 --> 0:13:38.600 just you say this. I say that I don't, you know, 0:13:38.760 --> 0:13:41.080 I don't feel like you and I would always have 0:13:41.120 --> 0:13:45.840 to remind you, hey, we're just having conversations like we're 0:13:45.840 --> 0:13:48.840 not arguing. I don't, I'm not. This is not anything 0:13:48.880 --> 0:13:52.559 to argue about. We're just having conversation, and why are 0:13:52.559 --> 0:13:56.600 you getting so elevated? And then you would kind of like, okay, yeah, 0:13:56.679 --> 0:13:58.840 you're right, or we would not be able to have 0:13:58.920 --> 0:14:01.160 the conversation because I wouldn't talk to you when you 0:14:01.200 --> 0:14:04.440 were like that. And then an hour or two later 0:14:04.800 --> 0:14:07.720 you'd come back and you say, you know, I thought 0:14:07.720 --> 0:14:10.600 about it, and we were able to have that conversation, 0:14:10.880 --> 0:14:14.800 you know, like like human beings, right, But what was 0:14:14.840 --> 0:14:18.160 it about you or what were you feeling? I mean, 0:14:18.200 --> 0:14:21.800 why was that a boundary? Because your boundary was You're 0:14:21.800 --> 0:14:25.960 not gonna talk to me that way because I feel 0:14:26.000 --> 0:14:29.720 like I require and deserve a level of respect and 0:14:30.040 --> 0:14:33.320 I'm not gonna treat you in that way. And but 0:14:33.440 --> 0:14:35.360 nor am I going to allow you or anyone else 0:14:35.400 --> 0:14:37.840 to kind of you know, talk to me and to 0:14:37.960 --> 0:14:40.640 mean me and that way and that way either. And 0:14:40.760 --> 0:14:43.720 I felt like most of the time, nine of the time, 0:14:43.760 --> 0:14:48.280 we weren't talking about anything that required a response of 0:14:48.320 --> 0:14:51.840 anger and frustration. It was I disagree with that. I 0:14:51.960 --> 0:14:54.080 disagree with that a lot of time. And I feel 0:14:54.120 --> 0:14:56.600 like that there's a little bit of gas lighting in there. 0:14:57.200 --> 0:15:02.040 You're deciding for me what's important, and what I said 0:15:02.040 --> 0:15:06.400 I wasn't Huh. I didn't say it wasn't important. I 0:15:06.440 --> 0:15:11.600 said it didn't require that level of elevation. So what 0:15:11.720 --> 0:15:14.800 I hear is you are respond in different ways, right 0:15:15.200 --> 0:15:18.920 for you, Rodney, It seems like there are certain situations 0:15:18.960 --> 0:15:22.560 that require this, and there are certain situations that could 0:15:22.600 --> 0:15:27.760 be here. And I wonder, you know, because we express 0:15:27.840 --> 0:15:31.960 feelings in different ways. My situations that you may think 0:15:31.960 --> 0:15:35.480 are here could be here, right, Like all we all 0:15:35.640 --> 0:15:40.040 feel different things at different times. But if there's a 0:15:40.120 --> 0:15:46.160 situation where you are yelling and screaming, how else can 0:15:46.160 --> 0:15:50.880 that be expressed? Y'alling is screaming to me in the case, 0:15:51.000 --> 0:15:53.400 I want to be heard. I want to be heard. 0:15:53.600 --> 0:15:57.200 Listen to me. What I'm saying is important. Please don't 0:15:57.240 --> 0:15:59.920 dismiss me. I will say it louder, I will scream, 0:16:00.080 --> 0:16:02.560 I will cuss, I would do everything for you to 0:16:02.680 --> 0:16:07.920 hear me, right, I agree? Yeah, And I do think 0:16:08.000 --> 0:16:13.560 that you know, in my previous relationships and growing up 0:16:14.000 --> 0:16:17.600 looking back over over, because I'm the youngest and I 0:16:17.640 --> 0:16:21.400 do have a history of just feeling like I was 0:16:21.760 --> 0:16:27.800 never heard that my opinions weren't respected or people didn't 0:16:27.920 --> 0:16:31.160 really feel like I had anything to say. Mm hmm. 0:16:31.840 --> 0:16:37.280 So that could explain why I react the way I do. 0:16:37.440 --> 0:16:39.880 And you are right, Rodney, I would that is a 0:16:39.960 --> 0:16:42.400 behavior I was used to. But when you first said 0:16:42.400 --> 0:16:44.440 it that it was learned, I thought you meant that 0:16:44.720 --> 0:16:47.520 I had learned that I saw that in like maybe 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:50.320 my parents or something like that, and that wasn't true 0:16:50.360 --> 0:16:54.840 because they didn't argue at all. So yeah, okay, so 0:16:54.920 --> 0:16:59.080 that makes sense to me, Nedra that yeah, that I'm 0:16:59.120 --> 0:17:02.520 feeling like I'm not being heard, and so I get 0:17:02.640 --> 0:17:07.359 very elevated. I wonder if the boundary for you, Gammy 0:17:07.440 --> 0:17:11.160 is I need to feel heard. So when we're talking, 0:17:11.240 --> 0:17:14.400 this is what I need from you, And what are 0:17:14.440 --> 0:17:17.680 those things like, you know, I contact you to put 0:17:17.680 --> 0:17:22.239 a hand on my leg YouTube, give vocal indication that 0:17:22.320 --> 0:17:25.040 you understand, like I understand you, I hear you, like, 0:17:25.440 --> 0:17:28.439 what are those things so that I'm not you know, 0:17:28.520 --> 0:17:31.960 going back to this behavior yelling, because I see that 0:17:32.040 --> 0:17:36.000 you are listening to me, that you are valuing what 0:17:36.040 --> 0:17:39.040 I'm saying in these moments. I don't even think it 0:17:39.119 --> 0:17:42.720 was that with Rodney, I think I just automatically went there. 0:17:43.000 --> 0:17:47.520 There's a lot of different emotions happening at the same time, 0:17:47.560 --> 0:17:51.960 So there's frustration, there's anger, there's hurt, there's all of 0:17:51.960 --> 0:17:56.800 those emotions, and so I immediately go into that high 0:17:56.960 --> 0:18:02.639 level of response. And I'm just retraining myself now because 0:18:02.680 --> 0:18:05.600 I see that where it was acceptable with other people, 0:18:05.680 --> 0:18:08.960 it is not acceptable with him. And he's actually correct 0:18:09.080 --> 0:18:14.159 that we hear each other better if we're talking and 0:18:14.240 --> 0:18:18.000 if I'm not screaming and if I'm calm, then I 0:18:18.040 --> 0:18:21.960 can hear him and he can hear me. So but 0:18:22.040 --> 0:18:24.960 it still doesn't happen. I mean, it was almost like 0:18:25.200 --> 0:18:27.960 a guarantee it at one point when we first got together, 0:18:28.200 --> 0:18:32.120 and it doesn't happen that often anymore. So No, I'm 0:18:32.160 --> 0:18:45.960 doing so much better natural. What is your advice for 0:18:46.040 --> 0:18:51.480 setting boundaries with getting other family members involved in relationships? 0:18:51.920 --> 0:18:55.000 Like you know, I don't necessarily, we don't necessarily think 0:18:55.000 --> 0:18:58.800 it's a good idea. When you may have I would say, 0:18:58.960 --> 0:19:04.680 other family and friends into personal relationship issues, and then 0:19:04.760 --> 0:19:07.520 everybody's got to put their two cents into it. I 0:19:07.560 --> 0:19:10.560 don't think that's such a good idea. I think it's 0:19:10.560 --> 0:19:14.840 a terrible idea because what happens is we are still 0:19:14.960 --> 0:19:19.119 very mad at Rodney. Meanwhile, you and Ronnie holding hands, 0:19:19.200 --> 0:19:23.120 y'all going on vacation, and I'm still thinking about two 0:19:23.200 --> 0:19:26.159 years ago when Ronnie came over here and you were 0:19:26.280 --> 0:19:29.120 so mad you left the house. I can't get over 0:19:29.160 --> 0:19:32.320 it like you, because I'm not having all of these 0:19:32.359 --> 0:19:36.800 positive experiences with your partner. And so if you really 0:19:36.800 --> 0:19:40.360 want me to be fair and balanced in your relationships, 0:19:40.680 --> 0:19:43.120 there are some things that I don't need to know 0:19:43.600 --> 0:19:48.720 about your relationship because that is your information. Perhaps to 0:19:48.760 --> 0:19:52.280 work out for sure with your partner, maybe with the therapist, 0:19:52.640 --> 0:19:55.399 maybe there is some other person in your life. But 0:19:55.480 --> 0:19:58.560 with your close friends and family that could be tough 0:19:58.680 --> 0:20:03.200 because they don't let things go like you do. Yeah, yeah, 0:20:03.640 --> 0:20:06.680 What advice do you share with your clients when they 0:20:06.760 --> 0:20:09.480 come to you and say they don't have good boundaries 0:20:09.520 --> 0:20:12.880 in general with their family or close friends. I give 0:20:12.880 --> 0:20:15.880 you an example about I have a friend, Well, I've 0:20:15.920 --> 0:20:18.280 had I've had this a couple of times in my 0:20:18.359 --> 0:20:23.920 life where friends have come to borrow money, right, and 0:20:25.600 --> 0:20:28.040 you know I would do it a couple of times, 0:20:28.200 --> 0:20:33.080 and I already understand that typically if I'm lending money, 0:20:33.560 --> 0:20:35.640 I already have in my mind that I'm not gonna 0:20:35.640 --> 0:20:37.919 get it back. So I'm not going to lend you 0:20:38.000 --> 0:20:43.120 anything that if I can't afford to do it. But still, 0:20:43.160 --> 0:20:47.359 I felt like this person was constantly coming borrowing money, 0:20:47.480 --> 0:20:50.479 and I just it's just not a good idea. I 0:20:50.520 --> 0:20:53.199 didn't want the friendship to be based on that. I 0:20:53.240 --> 0:20:56.119 didn't feel like, I'm not the bank. I'm not. I 0:20:56.160 --> 0:20:59.879 don't want anyone to rely on me for that. You know, 0:21:00.160 --> 0:21:05.320 I'm not the fixer, And so setting a boundary with 0:21:05.480 --> 0:21:08.880 that was it was difficult for me because they were friends, 0:21:09.240 --> 0:21:12.680 and I kind of ended up putting it on Rodney. 0:21:14.880 --> 0:21:21.160 Why know back my husband's boundary and I want mine back. 0:21:24.400 --> 0:21:28.120 You need all your But so how do you how 0:21:28.119 --> 0:21:32.800 do you deal with those situations? I think you mentioned bank, 0:21:32.840 --> 0:21:34.840 and I think about a bank. When you want to 0:21:34.880 --> 0:21:39.600 borrow money from the bank, they have a loan application, correct, Yes, 0:21:40.080 --> 0:21:44.879 what's on your loan application? Like I just wonder, like 0:21:45.040 --> 0:21:48.919 what is your criteria for loaning money? And that's what 0:21:49.000 --> 0:21:51.720 I talked to, Like when they getting these situations of 0:21:51.840 --> 0:21:54.679 loaning money, what is your criteria? You are only helping 0:21:54.720 --> 0:21:57.600 these situations, you will only go up to this mount. 0:21:57.800 --> 0:22:02.000 It has to be paid bye Bay. This time. The 0:22:02.080 --> 0:22:06.280 person has to actually have a relationship with you where 0:22:06.440 --> 0:22:08.719 they check on you, you check on them like it 0:22:08.840 --> 0:22:11.560 is some healthy back and forth. Half in in here 0:22:11.920 --> 0:22:16.040 is this a crisis? Like? What is your criteria for 0:22:16.200 --> 0:22:18.720 loaning people money? Most of us go into it with 0:22:18.800 --> 0:22:21.560 no criteria. We just trust in the person. You know, 0:22:21.720 --> 0:22:23.800 here's two hundred dollars. Just give it back to me 0:22:23.880 --> 0:22:27.640 when you can. I don't know a bill collector on 0:22:27.720 --> 0:22:31.040 this earth that puts when you can on a bill 0:22:31.600 --> 0:22:35.560 that's not stated they wanted by the fifteenth if after 0:22:35.600 --> 0:22:39.680 the fifteenth is twenty dollars extra. What is your criteria? 0:22:39.840 --> 0:22:42.800 If you're going to loan the money, you have to 0:22:42.840 --> 0:22:47.800 go into it with This is my expectation, and sometimes 0:22:47.800 --> 0:22:51.080 it's you know, I understand this is a tough situation, 0:22:51.119 --> 0:22:54.159 particularly when we're helping people through a crisis. I'm not 0:22:54.240 --> 0:22:57.359 loaning this money. I'm giving you a gift. You know, 0:22:57.440 --> 0:22:59.880 you can say that to people so they're not dodging 0:23:00.040 --> 0:23:02.960 you or you know, all of these interesting things people 0:23:03.000 --> 0:23:05.840 do when they owe your money. But if you want 0:23:05.920 --> 0:23:10.119 to loan, go into it with these are my boundaries, 0:23:10.119 --> 0:23:14.240 and this is my expectation. Got it? Got it? Yeah? 0:23:14.280 --> 0:23:17.520 I never did that. I never felt like I have 0:23:17.680 --> 0:23:20.919 to say that. I never felt like the ask was frivolous. 0:23:21.520 --> 0:23:26.200 There was always a need, but I did not have 0:23:26.280 --> 0:23:30.080 any I never even asked to be paid back. I 0:23:30.160 --> 0:23:32.760 never even asked for that because I just feel like 0:23:32.800 --> 0:23:35.720 if people are asking for it, they probably just don't 0:23:35.760 --> 0:23:38.320 have it anyway. So I never even asked for the 0:23:38.400 --> 0:23:41.200 money back. I just typically don't do that. And now 0:23:41.440 --> 0:23:43.879 I just don't loan money anymore. I just got to 0:23:43.920 --> 0:23:55.240 that point where I just I don't do it. Let's 0:23:55.280 --> 0:24:01.080 talk just a little bit about why it is difficult. 0:24:02.080 --> 0:24:04.920 What is it that makes it so difficult to set 0:24:05.080 --> 0:24:11.399 boundaries with close friends and family in particular? I find 0:24:11.440 --> 0:24:16.959 that so difficult. We care about the relationship, and we 0:24:17.040 --> 0:24:20.560 care with the person things and with family. The relationships 0:24:20.600 --> 0:24:25.159 are so intertwined. If you upset this one person, it 0:24:25.280 --> 0:24:29.720 upsets five people. If you say no to this one person, 0:24:29.760 --> 0:24:32.320 they're gonna call it a mama. Then their mama gonna 0:24:32.320 --> 0:24:35.000 be calling your mama, and then the aunt as yadoh, 0:24:35.640 --> 0:24:38.440 And I mean, the stuff is just so connected where 0:24:38.440 --> 0:24:40.800 it's just like, yeah, you could come stay over here 0:24:40.840 --> 0:24:44.520 because you rather not even here the whole thing about it. 0:24:45.000 --> 0:24:47.280 But you need to be in the pon the person, 0:24:47.440 --> 0:24:49.439 and the most of us need to be the person 0:24:49.480 --> 0:24:51.800 in the family, because there is one of most families 0:24:51.800 --> 0:24:54.879 where you know, you know, no, not uncle or not 0:24:55.040 --> 0:24:58.440 at like they are very clear, no we I don't 0:24:58.480 --> 0:25:02.440 cook for Thanksgiving. You know, it's like, no, you cannot 0:25:02.480 --> 0:25:05.320 come over here with your dog, like they are very 0:25:05.320 --> 0:25:10.880 clear about these things. How do you become hopefully one 0:25:10.920 --> 0:25:14.920 of many people who can speak those things and not 0:25:15.200 --> 0:25:19.400 necessarily just not care because we do care, but also 0:25:19.600 --> 0:25:23.240 speak those things care and continue to speak them because 0:25:23.240 --> 0:25:25.800 there are some things that you don't like. There are 0:25:25.840 --> 0:25:29.679 some preferences that you do have, and it should certainly 0:25:29.720 --> 0:25:33.879 be okay to have those preferences in the relationships with 0:25:33.920 --> 0:25:37.600 the people that we are closest to, to the relationships 0:25:37.640 --> 0:25:40.400 that we really value. I don't want to be known 0:25:40.480 --> 0:25:44.320 well by a bunch of strangers. I want the people 0:25:44.560 --> 0:25:47.439 who live in my home, the people who you know 0:25:47.520 --> 0:25:51.639 I talked to most often, to understand who I am. 0:25:51.720 --> 0:25:54.880 So when you set boundaries with people, is it a 0:25:54.960 --> 0:25:59.680 matter of when you're setting the boundaries that you're explaining 0:25:59.840 --> 0:26:05.240 the why is that? Is that helpful? Is that necessary? 0:26:05.280 --> 0:26:10.800 That can be challenging, particularly in families, because they can 0:26:10.880 --> 0:26:13.600