Speaker 1: What's up everybody. I'm Gammy and I'm her husband, Rodney,
Speaker 1: and this is positively gam How are you doing, Babe?
Speaker 1: Doing good? A little cold here though, Yeah, see you
Speaker 1: should be out here with me and our new addition
Speaker 1: to the family, Duchess. Duchess is giving me hell as
Speaker 1: all I can say for the listeners. Rodney and I
Speaker 1: have a new addition to our family. We got a puppy.
Speaker 1: I had a Chihuahua that we had that I had
Speaker 1: for fourteen years, and Busy passed in October, and I
Speaker 1: have been you know, I just I had to like
Speaker 1: take a minute from that because I really loved Bitsy
Speaker 1: a lot. I had them for fourteen years, and I
Speaker 1: just wasn't ready to get any anything new. And then
Speaker 1: we went on a rescue website and found Duchy and
Speaker 1: so yeah, we we found Duchy on the SPC A
Speaker 1: l A website and she is a Chihuahua Terrier mix.
Speaker 1: I can look at her and see that she's gonna
Speaker 1: be bigger than Busy was. Busy was our chihuahua. But
Speaker 1: she's definitely gonna be bigger than Busy was because Busy
Speaker 1: had those little, tiny legs, those tiny delicate legs and feet.
Speaker 1: He was only like five pounds and she's definitely chunkier
Speaker 1: than that. She's almost three months old. So yeah, I'm excited.
Speaker 1: I'm excited to have her, but it is going to
Speaker 1: be challenging going back to that puppy stage of house breaking,
Speaker 1: crate training, all of that, you know, But I signed
Speaker 1: up for it. So I'm just really glad that we
Speaker 1: could find a dog that needed a home and give
Speaker 1: him one, as opposed to just getting something that everybody
Speaker 1: else wants, as opposed to taking finding something that nobody
Speaker 1: wanted and loving it. Right. Okay, so moving on, I'm
Speaker 1: so excited today we have Nedra Glover to walk her book,
Speaker 1: set boundaries and find peace. For those of you who
Speaker 1: are Red Table Talk fans, she joined us on Red
Speaker 1: Table Talk, so I am so excited to have her
Speaker 1: back on to delve a little bit deeper into boundaries
Speaker 1: setting because when I read the book for a second time,
Speaker 1: I really really there were some points that really struck
Speaker 1: me personally. So I'm excited to talk to her. How
Speaker 1: do you feel about having Nedra on? This would be
Speaker 1: your first experience. I'm excited to meet her and to
Speaker 1: hear all of her to hear her expertise on boundaries.
Speaker 1: I think that's really important in everyone's life, and you know,
Speaker 1: setting them as well as adhering to them. So I'm
Speaker 1: looking forward to it. Okay, so let's get started. Here's
Speaker 1: our interview with Nedra. We're so excited to have you, Nedra.
Speaker 1: We have Nedra Glover to wob as our guest. Ndra
Speaker 1: is a licensed therapist, sought after relationship expert, and author
Speaker 1: of Set Boundaries Fine Piece. Every day she helps people
Speaker 1: create healthy relationships by teaching them how to implement boundaries
Speaker 1: and I bet we all could use some help with that.
Speaker 1: How are you today, Nedra? I am well, how are
Speaker 1: you all? I am so excited to have you back.
Speaker 1: I know this is the first time Rodney has experienced you,
Speaker 1: but you were and the audience may not know that
Speaker 1: you were a guest on Red Table, and let me
Speaker 1: tell you that experience, it just wasn't enough for me,
Speaker 1: and I was like, I've got to have her on positively,
Speaker 1: gam reading your book is like it's like a therapy session, truly,
Speaker 1: it's it's so much helpful information in there and for
Speaker 1: me personally, So I want to ask you what drew
Speaker 1: you to therapy as a career path. I feel like
Speaker 1: I have been an easy person to talk to always,
Speaker 1: like in childhood as a teenager, I love listening to people.
Speaker 1: I've always been a student of personal development and self help,
Speaker 1: so I really naturally like to listen to people and professionally.
Speaker 1: I didn't grow up knowing any therapists. I knew about psychiatrists.
Speaker 1: I knew about a lot of other things. But when
Speaker 1: I started college and I discovered therapy, I was like,
Speaker 1: that's it. After my first client, that first session, I
Speaker 1: was like, Oh, this is it, Like this is what Yeah,
Speaker 1: this is what I like to do. Anyway. I used
Speaker 1: to get in trouble in school for you know, starting conversations,
Speaker 1: to listen and you know all that stuff. So this
Speaker 1: is very natural for me. So what made you interest
Speaker 1: in boundaries specifically as an area to like explore and
Speaker 1: expound on and study Again, I think this is something
Speaker 1: I started early. It is not what's taught to therapists.
Speaker 1: Were not taught about the importance of boundaries assertiveness. But
Speaker 1: boundaries can really break a lot of generational patterns that
Speaker 1: I saw in families. I used to be a therapist
Speaker 1: with children and foster care and their parents and so
Speaker 1: many of those stories. I was just like, well, why
Speaker 1: didn't you tell the uncle he could live here? Or
Speaker 1: why was this? You know, I just had so many
Speaker 1: questions because there was such a huge lack of boundaries
Speaker 1: that I thought, you know, I wonder if we have
Speaker 1: more information around the ability to say no to our family,
Speaker 1: ability to say no to family, friends, and all of
Speaker 1: this sort of stuff, what we be better off. But
Speaker 1: I don't think that's the thing that's taught, because we
Speaker 1: are often taught that saying no is mean, it's inappropriate,
Speaker 1: is not what we should do. That's your cousin, this
Speaker 1: is your that, And sometimes those things create bigger problems.
Speaker 1: Like I said, I was working in foster care, so
Speaker 1: some of those lack of boundaries were creating huge issue
Speaker 1: in the family. Yeah, boundaries with family and friends can
Speaker 1: be the most difficult. But I want to ask you, Rodney,
Speaker 1: how do you feel about boundaries you set in work
Speaker 1: and in your personal life. Do you think it's easier
Speaker 1: for you to set boundaries and work. I think it
Speaker 1: is easier for me to set boundaries and work. I
Speaker 1: think it's typically easy for me. Anyway. I'm sort of
Speaker 1: a private person, so I think the boundaries work in reverse.
Speaker 1: For me. I kind of don't let people in, so
Speaker 1: I may suffer in relationships as a result of that.
Speaker 1: But I'm very private. But at work, you know, I
Speaker 1: own a company. I actually we're kind of in the
Speaker 1: same area. I own a mental health agency, so we
Speaker 1: have therapists and all of those things on staff. And
Speaker 1: you know, I find that people want their needs met,
Speaker 1: whether it's clients, staff, whomever. So they'll typically if they
Speaker 1: get the wrong answer from one of their direct reports,
Speaker 1: they'll circumvent that process and try to come to me
Speaker 1: to get what it is they want. And I just
Speaker 1: think that's human nature. Most people just want, you know,
Speaker 1: to get their needs met natur. Do you think that
Speaker 1: there are certain personality types that find it more difficult
Speaker 1: to set boundaries personality types? Absolutely. I have been asked
Speaker 1: if there are certain boundary differences between men and women,
Speaker 1: and Rotten it was speaking. I was like, I hear
Speaker 1: men being more assertive, and we know that for women
Speaker 1: it could be really challenging to set boundaries in the workspace.
Speaker 1: In families, you know you'd be labeled the me auntie.
Speaker 1: You you know, you'd be labeled the mean lady at work,
Speaker 1: you know, all of this sort of stuff, and that
Speaker 1: really gets to women in a way that it just
Speaker 1: doesn't get to be and I can't even think of
Speaker 1: like parenting. You know, women feel some sort of way
Speaker 1: about denying their child to extra piece of candy. You know.
Speaker 1: The dad is just like, no, that's it, and you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: but it's just a kid cat, you know, it's just
Speaker 1: something about us. And I just be wanting to take
Speaker 1: it out and throw it away sometime, like just take
Speaker 1: this bleeding heart out, just I don't want it. So
Speaker 1: when I went over the book again, something's really stuck
Speaker 1: out to me for me personally, and I don't think
Speaker 1: that before I've read the book that I ever thought
Speaker 1: about setting boundaries on how you respond and react two
Speaker 1: things is a choice. I never thought about that in
Speaker 1: that way. And let me give you an example. This
Speaker 1: is something that Rodney and I have been dealing with
Speaker 1: in our relationship and some boundaries that he has set
Speaker 1: with me. Because when I get angry, the way I
Speaker 1: respond is to holler and cuss. So I'm going to
Speaker 1: scream at you, holler at you, and I'm probably gonna
Speaker 1: cuss you out. Rodney doesn't tolerate that, but that's when
Speaker 1: I'm used to doing. And I never realized that until
Speaker 1: I listened to your book. That is a choice that
Speaker 1: I've made to respond that way, and that I can
Speaker 1: make a choice to respond differently. And it's been a
Speaker 1: struggle for me because Rodney does not tolerate that, and
Speaker 1: so I had to find another way. But in me
Speaker 1: trying to find another way, I told him, you remember, Rodney,
Speaker 1: I said, well, you're preventing me from expressing my anger.
Speaker 1: So I feel like that's gonna be detrimental to me
Speaker 1: because now I'm gonna be have all this anger inside
Speaker 1: of me that I can't get out because you don't
Speaker 1: want me to yell at you. But that's but I'm
Speaker 1: releasing that emotion, right, That's yeah, but exactly exactly. And
Speaker 1: I had to really when I read the book, I
Speaker 1: had to really think about it because I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: I don't throw things, I don't hit him, so I'm
Speaker 1: making a choice to holler. I'm making a choice not
Speaker 1: to hit them, or not to hit anybody that I'm
Speaker 1: angry with, you know what I mean. And I never
Speaker 1: thought about it that way. Can you recommend ways for
Speaker 1: people to find ways to set boundaries on how they
Speaker 1: react and respond to things. How do you train yourself?
Speaker 1: I guess it's my question. I wonder sometimes when we
Speaker 1: respond with anger, with yelling, with hitting, with punching holes
Speaker 1: in the wall and those sort of things, how is
Speaker 1: that different from kicking our shoes off in a restaurant
Speaker 1: if we get upset? How is that different from you know,
Speaker 1: road rage? How is that different from all these things
Speaker 1: that we're actually controlling ourselves? You know, these scenarios were
Speaker 1: controlling our behavior. So why in this situation am I
Speaker 1: now making the choice with this safe person that I
Speaker 1: love to really let it out on them. If I
Speaker 1: can control myself in a restaurant, in the car when
Speaker 1: I'm talking to you know, my friend, I can control
Speaker 1: myself with this person too, And a lot of those
Speaker 1: tools are going to be the same. There's something you're
Speaker 1: telling yourself in those moments. There's another behavior you're tapping
Speaker 1: into other than cousin and screaming. So whatever you're doing
Speaker 1: in those scenarios, you can apply it here. But I
Speaker 1: think you can get your anger out by speaking about
Speaker 1: it using different words, because it's not just anger it's frustration,
Speaker 1: is feeling hurt, it's sadness. It's a lot of stuff
Speaker 1: in there. And if we say just anger, I think
Speaker 1: of anger as this emotion that's a safe and easy
Speaker 1: go to and it seems so hard core to be angry.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's just like I'm angry, and it's like, yes,
Speaker 1: but don't you want to cry to No, You're so right,
Speaker 1: so right, because that's what I'll be trying to explain
Speaker 1: to him that I'm frustrated. I have so many emotion
Speaker 1: is going on right now. I know you want to
Speaker 1: say something, Rodney. I think it's I think it's learned
Speaker 1: behavior too. I think that that is how you let
Speaker 1: me finish. I think that is how you responded in
Speaker 1: previous relationships, so when you heard similar or when you
Speaker 1: were confronted with certain conversation a lot of times. I
Speaker 1: think it was a defense mechanism as well as just
Speaker 1: this is how I respond in this situation typically, and
Speaker 1: didn't really give a lot of thought to it. It's
Speaker 1: just you say this. I say that I don't, you know,
Speaker 1: I don't feel like you and I would always have
Speaker 1: to remind you, hey, we're just having conversations like we're
Speaker 1: not arguing. I don't, I'm not. This is not anything
Speaker 1: to argue about. We're just having conversation, and why are
Speaker 1: you getting so elevated? And then you would kind of like, okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: you're right, or we would not be able to have
Speaker 1: the conversation because I wouldn't talk to you when you
Speaker 1: were like that. And then an hour or two later
Speaker 1: you'd come back and you say, you know, I thought
Speaker 1: about it, and we were able to have that conversation,
Speaker 1: you know, like like human beings, right, But what was
Speaker 1: it about you or what were you feeling? I mean,
Speaker 1: why was that a boundary? Because your boundary was You're
Speaker 1: not gonna talk to me that way because I feel
Speaker 1: like I require and deserve a level of respect and
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna treat you in that way. And but
Speaker 1: nor am I going to allow you or anyone else
Speaker 1: to kind of you know, talk to me and to
Speaker 1: mean me and that way and that way either. And
Speaker 1: I felt like most of the time, nine of the time,
Speaker 1: we weren't talking about anything that required a response of
Speaker 1: anger and frustration. It was I disagree with that. I
Speaker 1: disagree with that a lot of time. And I feel
Speaker 1: like that there's a little bit of gas lighting in there.
Speaker 1: You're deciding for me what's important, and what I said
Speaker 1: I wasn't Huh. I didn't say it wasn't important. I
Speaker 1: said it didn't require that level of elevation. So what
Speaker 1: I hear is you are respond in different ways, right
Speaker 1: for you, Rodney, It seems like there are certain situations
Speaker 1: that require this, and there are certain situations that could
Speaker 1: be here. And I wonder, you know, because we express
Speaker 1: feelings in different ways. My situations that you may think
Speaker 1: are here could be here, right, Like all we all
Speaker 1: feel different things at different times. But if there's a
Speaker 1: situation where you are yelling and screaming, how else can
Speaker 1: that be expressed? Y'alling is screaming to me in the case,
Speaker 1: I want to be heard. I want to be heard.
Speaker 1: Listen to me. What I'm saying is important. Please don't
Speaker 1: dismiss me. I will say it louder, I will scream,
Speaker 1: I will cuss, I would do everything for you to
Speaker 1: hear me, right, I agree? Yeah, And I do think
Speaker 1: that you know, in my previous relationships and growing up
Speaker 1: looking back over over, because I'm the youngest and I
Speaker 1: do have a history of just feeling like I was
Speaker 1: never heard that my opinions weren't respected or people didn't
Speaker 1: really feel like I had anything to say. Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: So that could explain why I react the way I do.
Speaker 1: And you are right, Rodney, I would that is a
Speaker 1: behavior I was used to. But when you first said
Speaker 1: it that it was learned, I thought you meant that
Speaker 1: I had learned that I saw that in like maybe
Speaker 1: my parents or something like that, and that wasn't true
Speaker 1: because they didn't argue at all. So yeah, okay, so
Speaker 1: that makes sense to me, Nedra that yeah, that I'm
Speaker 1: feeling like I'm not being heard, and so I get
Speaker 1: very elevated. I wonder if the boundary for you, Gammy
Speaker 1: is I need to feel heard. So when we're talking,
Speaker 1: this is what I need from you, And what are
Speaker 1: those things like, you know, I contact you to put
Speaker 1: a hand on my leg YouTube, give vocal indication that
Speaker 1: you understand, like I understand you, I hear you, like,
Speaker 1: what are those things so that I'm not you know,
Speaker 1: going back to this behavior yelling, because I see that
Speaker 1: you are listening to me, that you are valuing what
Speaker 1: I'm saying in these moments. I don't even think it
Speaker 1: was that with Rodney, I think I just automatically went there.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of different emotions happening at the same time,
Speaker 1: So there's frustration, there's anger, there's hurt, there's all of
Speaker 1: those emotions, and so I immediately go into that high
Speaker 1: level of response. And I'm just retraining myself now because
Speaker 1: I see that where it was acceptable with other people,
Speaker 1: it is not acceptable with him. And he's actually correct
Speaker 1: that we hear each other better if we're talking and
Speaker 1: if I'm not screaming and if I'm calm, then I
Speaker 1: can hear him and he can hear me. So but
Speaker 1: it still doesn't happen. I mean, it was almost like
Speaker 1: a guarantee it at one point when we first got together,
Speaker 1: and it doesn't happen that often anymore. So No, I'm
Speaker 1: doing so much better natural. What is your advice for
Speaker 1: setting boundaries with getting other family members involved in relationships?
Speaker 1: Like you know, I don't necessarily, we don't necessarily think
Speaker 1: it's a good idea. When you may have I would say,
Speaker 1: other family and friends into personal relationship issues, and then
Speaker 1: everybody's got to put their two cents into it. I
Speaker 1: don't think that's such a good idea. I think it's
Speaker 1: a terrible idea because what happens is we are still
Speaker 1: very mad at Rodney. Meanwhile, you and Ronnie holding hands,
Speaker 1: y'all going on vacation, and I'm still thinking about two
Speaker 1: years ago when Ronnie came over here and you were
Speaker 1: so mad you left the house. I can't get over
Speaker 1: it like you, because I'm not having all of these
Speaker 1: positive experiences with your partner. And so if you really
Speaker 1: want me to be fair and balanced in your relationships,
Speaker 1: there are some things that I don't need to know
Speaker 1: about your relationship because that is your information. Perhaps to
Speaker 1: work out for sure with your partner, maybe with the therapist,
Speaker 1: maybe there is some other person in your life. But
Speaker 1: with your close friends and family that could be tough
Speaker 1: because they don't let things go like you do. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: What advice do you share with your clients when they
Speaker 1: come to you and say they don't have good boundaries
Speaker 1: in general with their family or close friends. I give
Speaker 1: you an example about I have a friend, Well, I've
Speaker 1: had I've had this a couple of times in my
Speaker 1: life where friends have come to borrow money, right, and
Speaker 1: you know I would do it a couple of times,
Speaker 1: and I already understand that typically if I'm lending money,
Speaker 1: I already have in my mind that I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: get it back. So I'm not going to lend you
Speaker 1: anything that if I can't afford to do it. But still,
Speaker 1: I felt like this person was constantly coming borrowing money,
Speaker 1: and I just it's just not a good idea. I
Speaker 1: didn't want the friendship to be based on that. I
Speaker 1: didn't feel like, I'm not the bank. I'm not. I
Speaker 1: don't want anyone to rely on me for that. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm not the fixer, And so setting a boundary with
Speaker 1: that was it was difficult for me because they were friends,
Speaker 1: and I kind of ended up putting it on Rodney.
Speaker 1: Why know back my husband's boundary and I want mine back.
Speaker 1: You need all your But so how do you how
Speaker 1: do you deal with those situations? I think you mentioned bank,
Speaker 1: and I think about a bank. When you want to
Speaker 1: borrow money from the bank, they have a loan application, correct, Yes,
Speaker 1: what's on your loan application? Like I just wonder, like
Speaker 1: what is your criteria for loaning money? And that's what
Speaker 1: I talked to, Like when they getting these situations of
Speaker 1: loaning money, what is your criteria? You are only helping
Speaker 1: these situations, you will only go up to this mount.
Speaker 1: It has to be paid bye Bay. This time. The
Speaker 1: person has to actually have a relationship with you where
Speaker 1: they check on you, you check on them like it
Speaker 1: is some healthy back and forth. Half in in here
Speaker 1: is this a crisis? Like? What is your criteria for
Speaker 1: loaning people money? Most of us go into it with
Speaker 1: no criteria. We just trust in the person. You know,
Speaker 1: here's two hundred dollars. Just give it back to me
Speaker 1: when you can. I don't know a bill collector on
Speaker 1: this earth that puts when you can on a bill
Speaker 1: that's not stated they wanted by the fifteenth if after
Speaker 1: the fifteenth is twenty dollars extra. What is your criteria?
Speaker 1: If you're going to loan the money, you have to
Speaker 1: go into it with This is my expectation, and sometimes
Speaker 1: it's you know, I understand this is a tough situation,
Speaker 1: particularly when we're helping people through a crisis. I'm not
Speaker 1: loaning this money. I'm giving you a gift. You know,
Speaker 1: you can say that to people so they're not dodging
Speaker 1: you or you know, all of these interesting things people
Speaker 1: do when they owe your money. But if you want
Speaker 1: to loan, go into it with these are my boundaries,
Speaker 1: and this is my expectation. Got it? Got it? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I never did that. I never felt like I have
Speaker 1: to say that. I never felt like the ask was frivolous.
Speaker 1: There was always a need, but I did not have
Speaker 1: any I never even asked to be paid back. I
Speaker 1: never even asked for that because I just feel like
Speaker 1: if people are asking for it, they probably just don't
Speaker 1: have it anyway. So I never even asked for the
Speaker 1: money back. I just typically don't do that. And now
Speaker 1: I just don't loan money anymore. I just got to
Speaker 1: that point where I just I don't do it. Let's
Speaker 1: talk just a little bit about why it is difficult.
Speaker 1: What is it that makes it so difficult to set
Speaker 1: boundaries with close friends and family in particular? I find
Speaker 1: that so difficult. We care about the relationship, and we
Speaker 1: care with the person things and with family. The relationships
Speaker 1: are so intertwined. If you upset this one person, it
Speaker 1: upsets five people. If you say no to this one person,
Speaker 1: they're gonna call it a mama. Then their mama gonna
Speaker 1: be calling your mama, and then the aunt as yadoh,
Speaker 1: And I mean, the stuff is just so connected where
Speaker 1: it's just like, yeah, you could come stay over here
Speaker 1: because you rather not even here the whole thing about it.
Speaker 1: But you need to be in the pon the person,
Speaker 1: and the most of us need to be the person
Speaker 1: in the family, because there is one of most families
Speaker 1: where you know, you know, no, not uncle or not
Speaker 1: at like they are very clear, no we I don't
Speaker 1: cook for Thanksgiving. You know, it's like, no, you cannot
Speaker 1: come over here with your dog, like they are very
Speaker 1: clear about these things. How do you become hopefully one
Speaker 1: of many people who can speak those things and not
Speaker 1: necessarily just not care because we do care, but also
Speaker 1: speak those things care and continue to speak them because
Speaker 1: there are some things that you don't like. There are
Speaker 1: some preferences that you do have, and it should certainly
Speaker 1: be okay to have those preferences in the relationships with
Speaker 1: the people that we are closest to, to the relationships
Speaker 1: that we really value. I don't want to be known
Speaker 1: well by a bunch of strangers. I want the people
Speaker 1: who live in my home, the people who you know
Speaker 1: I talked to most often, to understand who I am.
Speaker 1: So when you set boundaries with people, is it a
Speaker 1: matter of when you're setting the boundaries that you're explaining
Speaker 1: the why is that? Is that helpful? Is that necessary?
Speaker 1: That can be challenging, particularly in families, because they can
Speaker 1: talk you right out of that. Why. They know a
Speaker 1: lot of stuff about you and your history and who
Speaker 1: you dated before Ronnie and how they helped you one
Speaker 1: time with your graduation dress. I mean just all this stuff.
Speaker 1: So if you start getting into stuff, people will pull
Speaker 1: their stuff out too. And so is it useful to
Speaker 1: give an explanation, because sometimes that explanation can really put
Speaker 1: our boundary apart. If you say I don't want to
Speaker 1: come to your party because my car is in the shop,
Speaker 1: they say, we'll call it uber man, Not I call
Speaker 1: it uber. You just didn't want to go to the
Speaker 1: party like that was the response, And so creating all
Speaker 1: these other things will then again put you in a
Speaker 1: situation that you didn't want to be in. So then
Speaker 1: is it more about just knowing what you want and
Speaker 1: what your limits are and just standing strong in that
Speaker 1: and being it plain and simple. It's just it's adult
Speaker 1: behavior in families. What typically happens. I am the youngest child,
Speaker 1: and I am the youngest cousin of all my first cousins,
Speaker 1: and so I get a lot of old little Madra,
Speaker 1: you know, just yeah, and you and and them them
Speaker 1: seeing me as an adult, they you know, they kind
Speaker 1: of clear the path because I'm making these statements of
Speaker 1: like no, I don't want It's like, okay, she has
Speaker 1: a voice. But people will remind you of your role
Speaker 1: in the family. We know that the baby is supposed
Speaker 1: to like listen to all these big people. We know
Speaker 1: that the oldest is supposed to tell everybody what to do.
Speaker 1: So those roles around we are now like making waves.
Speaker 1: And so it is okay to do that because whether
Speaker 1: you are the forty year old baby or you know,
Speaker 1: the fifty year old baby, you're still an adult. You're
Speaker 1: a baby adult. So I'm not a baby twelve year old.
Speaker 1: Now I'm an adult and I have some understanding of
Speaker 1: what I want from my life. I am the oldest,
Speaker 1: but I am an adult. I am the middle, I'm
Speaker 1: an adult. I'm a cousin, but I'm somebody mama. You know,
Speaker 1: you have to really assert your yourself in a family system. Yeah, Rannie,
Speaker 1: did you I see you shaking your head? Did you
Speaker 1: want to add something to any of that? Yeah? I
Speaker 1: was just thinking that you know, a lot of times
Speaker 1: it's you don't have boundaries, or let me speak for myself,
Speaker 1: in certain situations, I don't have boundaries because I'm I'm
Speaker 1: concerned about what other people think, and it's it's more
Speaker 1: so putting myself first and foremost, and you know, not
Speaker 1: that I'm not concerned the most important person in the room.
Speaker 1: Got it? So that makes it easier for you when
Speaker 1: you think about it in those terms you mean, got it?
Speaker 1: Does that make sense? Ndra? Absolutely, And that's the energy
Speaker 1: that most people have when they are setting boundaries with you.
Speaker 1: They are the most important person in the world, and
Speaker 1: we have to think about not only how this impacts
Speaker 1: other people, but how does this impact me? Okay, So
Speaker 1: the last boundary that I really want to get into
Speaker 1: because once again and reading the book, it really brought
Speaker 1: up some personal emotions and some understanding about myself, and
Speaker 1: that is boundaries that you set for yourself, right, and
Speaker 1: it involves people pleasing and self betrayal and self sabotage.
Speaker 1: And I think when I read it, I didn't even
Speaker 1: realize my own behavior right, my own negative talk and
Speaker 1: the thoughts that go on in my head that contribute
Speaker 1: to my low self esteem issues, right, and like making
Speaker 1: disparaging comments about myself to myself and to others. Like
Speaker 1: I just didn't even realize until that's what I said.
Speaker 1: Reading your book was like a therapy session. So give
Speaker 1: me an example of you doing that, say like saying something.
Speaker 1: I do it all the time. I'm constantly telling myself,
Speaker 1: oh you, I can't do that. I can't do that.
Speaker 1: I listen something as simple as I took and I
Speaker 1: just rewatched the tape of the day. I'm I'm a stepper, right,
Speaker 1: a Chicago stepper. I love dance, and I recently took
Speaker 1: a private dance lesson with an instructive who who's dance
Speaker 1: I really admire. And he was talking to me and
Speaker 1: showing me some steps that I could incorporate into my
Speaker 1: dance that would change my dance. And I was like, oh, well,
Speaker 1: I don't I think I could only do it now
Speaker 1: because you were counting it out for me. If you
Speaker 1: weren't counting, I wouldn't have been able to do that.
Speaker 1: And he was like, what are you saying? You just
Speaker 1: did it? How about let me show you that I
Speaker 1: can do it without you counting. I automatically went into
Speaker 1: I can't do that, and I'm constantly telling myself that
Speaker 1: I'm not a good dancer. I can't do this, I
Speaker 1: can't do that. Oh, they don't want to hear me,
Speaker 1: they don't want to see me. It was very difficult
Speaker 1: for me even to like just to transition into red tape,
Speaker 1: but was very challenging. I mean it still is. I
Speaker 1: just have this negative talk in my head that I
Speaker 1: don't think that people really want to hear what I
Speaker 1: have to say. I don't know what I'm talking about, Like, oh,
Speaker 1: just god, all this negative talk. When I hear those knts,
Speaker 1: I think about all the things that you've already achieved
Speaker 1: and accomplished. I don't know if you remember this about yourself,
Speaker 1: but perhaps you remember it about Jada or Willow or Jaden.
Speaker 1: How we can't do a lot of stuff. We can't walk,
Speaker 1: we can't talk, we can't hold our heads up, we
Speaker 1: can't Oh my gosh. We are born with kents, and
Speaker 1: every time we master it, it's a victory. Little kids
Speaker 1: are often I mean, you you ever see a baby
Speaker 1: find their hand, how wonder it is. It's just like
Speaker 1: just buttoning their shirt. It's like, oh my gosh, I
Speaker 1: just come here, come look, I just but my I
Speaker 1: think about all of the things that we haven't been
Speaker 1: able to do at, all of the things that we master,
Speaker 1: Like that just makes that just warms my heart to
Speaker 1: think about how wonderful we are and how we do
Speaker 1: have the ability always to learn something new, to apply
Speaker 1: something different. We're already accomplished. You've already done a lot.
Speaker 1: If you could curl your own hair, you're a master,
Speaker 1: because there's a lot of people who can't. So there
Speaker 1: are so many things that we can do, and that
Speaker 1: can't is not necessary and it's not useful. Yeah, And
Speaker 1: that that I can't narrative that I constantly have in
Speaker 1: my head is very discouraging and it's really tiresome. I'm
Speaker 1: getting tired of my damn self. But you can because
Speaker 1: you you're constantly learning stuff. You're doing real table, you're
Speaker 1: on a podcast. So it's like you're saying can't, but
Speaker 1: I see your behavior doing something else. Yeah, So I
Speaker 1: guess I have to learn how to be more gentle
Speaker 1: and kind to myself. Yeah, that's who you need to
Speaker 1: cuss out that voice in your head. You need to
Speaker 1: cuss out that can't voice in your hand. As we
Speaker 1: start wrapping up of this, a couple of things that
Speaker 1: I want to bring up. You said in your book too,
Speaker 1: was that boundary setting is never about other people. It
Speaker 1: is about yourself. And I think that's important, that's really
Speaker 1: important to understand. So if I'm setting a boundary, it's
Speaker 1: about me, it's not about you. If I'm setting a
Speaker 1: boundary with you, it doesn't have anything to do with you.
Speaker 1: It has to do with me. Because I had a
Speaker 1: situation where I was setting some boundaries for myself with
Speaker 1: other people, right, other people in my life, but it
Speaker 1: didn't have anything to do necessarily with the other people.
Speaker 1: It had to do with me, right, And that was
Speaker 1: really hard for other people to understand. But your boundaries
Speaker 1: are really for you, for and about you. I think
Speaker 1: about the example you just use in terms of like drinking. Right,
Speaker 1: So if you say to your group of friends, hey,
Speaker 1: I'm not drinking socially anymore. I'm I'm gonna cut back.
Speaker 1: I don't want to drink now, some people they will
Speaker 1: personalize at oh, and nothing wrong with that. Is absolutely
Speaker 1: a boundary that's for you. You're not in that space
Speaker 1: trying to say, you know, you can't do what you
Speaker 1: can't do what you can't do it. But for me
Speaker 1: and for what I want for my life, I am
Speaker 1: choosing not to do this. It is not an indictment
Speaker 1: on what you choose to do in your life. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much, Nadra for joining running. And you have
Speaker 1: a bunch of resources on your website, including this fantastic book,
Speaker 1: Set Boundaries. Fine piece. I'm telling you, Set Boundaries, find Peace.
Speaker 1: Do yourself a favor and pick up a copy of
Speaker 1: this book or listen to get it on audio. I'm
Speaker 1: telling you it is a I'm telling you it is
Speaker 1: life changing. Tell people where they can find you on
Speaker 1: social media to learn more about you and boundary setting, Nadra.
Speaker 1: I am on most social media platforms, but in particular
Speaker 1: Instagram at natural Wop. Thank you so much, Nadra, Thank
Speaker 1: you so much. You're welcome. Always a pleasure. That was
Speaker 1: a really great conversation with Nadra. Wasn't a babe, It
Speaker 1: absolutely was. Yeah. I mean, I'm telling you to the listeners,
Speaker 1: this book is life changing and I would seriously, seriously
Speaker 1: encourage you to get it. But moving on, we have
Speaker 1: some fan questions to answer, Babe. The fans want to
Speaker 1: know who is your favorite sports team? So I'm a
Speaker 1: big basketball fan, but I don't really have a team.
Speaker 1: I just love the game football. It'll have to be
Speaker 1: because I'm from Baltimore. It's the Ravens, but I also
Speaker 1: like the Los Angeles Rams. Yeah, since you're yeah, since
Speaker 1: we're back and I'm half and half, Yeah, you're half
Speaker 1: and half were my coastal so well, I and I
Speaker 1: actually don't have a favorite I don't have a favorite team,
Speaker 1: but my favorite sport is basketball. That is my favorite sport. Okay.
Speaker 1: And then the second question is what is your favorite
Speaker 1: your favorite trait about your partner. M hmm, good luck
Speaker 1: on that. I'd have to say that you're my best friend,
Speaker 1: that that friend trait that you have. H being a
Speaker 1: friend is not a trait. Okay, but anyway, but anyway,
Speaker 1: because my answer is not really a trade either. It's
Speaker 1: the favorite. It's what I like about you. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: my favorite thing about So we're gonna change the change
Speaker 1: the question a little. Yeah. So I think the thing
Speaker 1: that I like about you the best when it comes
Speaker 1: to me is that you and I've said this before,
Speaker 1: I love that you accept me as I am right.
Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean that there's no room for growth
Speaker 1: in me and there's not things that I need to change,
Speaker 1: but at the at the core, you love me for
Speaker 1: who I am, and that is extremely extremely important to
Speaker 1: me because that has not been my experience in the past,
Speaker 1: at least that's not what I felt in the past
Speaker 1: from other partners. So I thoroughly appreciate that from you.
Speaker 1: And then there is a trait, there is a trade
Speaker 1: in you that that I like to and that is
Speaker 1: I do like your your calm, your typically typically you
Speaker 1: are a person until I start driving. Yeah, Now that
Speaker 1: that's a whole different thing because you too, you're off
Speaker 1: the tab when it goes to drive. You think you're
Speaker 1: on a race way all the time and you're not. Yeah.
Speaker 1: But so those are the things that I like about
Speaker 1: you the best. And join this episode of Positively Gam.
Speaker 1: Then subscribe to the Positively gam series to catch up
Speaker 1: on all of season two. And that's our show for
Speaker 1: this week, that is positively Gam. You can follow me
Speaker 1: online at Gammy Norris and you can follow me at
Speaker 1: I Am Rodney Norris. Help us out by leaving a
Speaker 1: five star review on I Heart Radio app or Apple podcast,
Speaker 1: and by hitting the follow button on Spotify. You can
Speaker 1: submit your questions to positively gam at red table talk
Speaker 1: dot com for a chance to hear me answer them
Speaker 1: on a future episode. Stay grateful, y'all, and thanks for listening.
Speaker 1: Talk to you later, babe. Positively gam is produced by
Speaker 1: red Table Talk Podcast and I Heart Radio. Executive producers
Speaker 1: are Adrian Banfield, Naris Balin, Jethro and Jada Pinkett Smith.
Speaker 1: Our audio engineer is Calvin Bayleet, and our associate producer
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